1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
72 -- Gifts for Children --
74 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
75 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
76 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
77 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
78 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
79 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
80 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
81 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
82 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
83 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
84 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
88 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
89 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
90 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
91 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
92 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
93 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
94 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
95 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
96 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
97 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
98 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
100 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
101 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
109 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
110 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
111 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
115 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
116 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
117 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
122 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
123 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
124 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
125 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
126 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
127 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
128 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
129 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
130 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
131 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
132 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
133 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
134 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
136 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
138 Has your family tried 'em?
142 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
144 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
145 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
149 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
150 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
151 stains that indicate freshness.
153 It's grad exam time...
155 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
156 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
157 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
158 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
159 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
162 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
163 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
164 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
167 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
169 It's grad exam time...
171 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
172 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
173 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
176 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
177 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
178 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
179 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
182 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
183 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
184 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
186 Pittsburgh driver's test
188 a) extremely dangerous.
190 c) the fault of the previous administration.
191 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
192 The correct answer is b.
193 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
194 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
195 you have nothing to worry about.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
198 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
200 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
203 The correct answer is d.
204 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
206 Pittsburgh driver's test
207 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
208 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
209 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
211 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
212 The correct answer is d.
213 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
215 Answer c is worth a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
223 The correct answer is b.
224 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
225 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
226 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
229 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
230 How often should you test it?
235 The correct answer is d.
236 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
237 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
241 but a steady left tail light. This means
242 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
243 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
244 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
245 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
246 d) The driver is from out of town.
247 The correct answer is d.
248 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
255 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
256 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
257 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
260 Pittsburgh driver's test
261 9: Roads are salted in order to
266 The correct answer is c.
267 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
268 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
269 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
272 THE STORY OF CREATION
276 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
277 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
278 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
279 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
280 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
281 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
282 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
285 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
288 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
289 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
290 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
291 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
292 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
294 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
295 he met the traveling salesman.
296 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
297 in high-level language.
298 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
299 and Apples," commented Jack.
300 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
301 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
302 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
303 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
305 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
306 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
309 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
311 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
312 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
315 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
316 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
317 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
318 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
319 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
324 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
325 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
326 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
328 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
329 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
330 Know what to kiss -- and when.
331 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
333 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
334 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
335 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
336 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
338 You are a fluke of the universe ...
339 You have no right to be here.
340 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
341 Is laughing behind your back.
345 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
347 Double bucky, you're the one!
348 You make my keyboard lots of fun
349 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
351 Control and Meta side by side,
352 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
353 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
355 Double bucky, left and right
356 OR'd together, outta sight!
357 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
358 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
359 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
361 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
363 Hard Copies and Chmod
365 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
366 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
367 user-hostile software
369 of course they're only bits and bytes
370 and characters and strings
373 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
374 telling me he loves me and
375 he'll take care of me
377 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
378 deep intimate secrets and
379 how he doesn't trust me
381 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
382 on personal stationery
383 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
385 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
386 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
387 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
388 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
390 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
391 neither has street credibility.
392 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
393 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
395 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
397 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
398 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
399 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
400 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
401 up of western dualism?
402 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
405 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
406 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
407 All kludgy were the function flows
408 And subroutines adhoc.
410 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
411 squrooneg, the false goto
412 Beware the infiniteloop
413 And shun the inprectoo.
415 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
416 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
417 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
418 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
419 when you hit the ground.
420 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
421 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
422 to psychological problems.
423 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
424 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
425 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
426 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
427 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
428 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
429 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
430 staggering illegally.
431 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
432 sanitary due to limited circulation.
433 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
436 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
437 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
438 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
439 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
440 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
441 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
442 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
443 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
444 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
445 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
446 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
447 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
448 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
449 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
450 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
451 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
452 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
453 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
454 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
457 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
459 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
460 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
462 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
463 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
464 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
466 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
467 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
468 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
469 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
470 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
471 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
473 The Three Major Kind of Tools
475 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
476 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
477 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
478 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
480 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
482 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
483 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
484 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
485 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
486 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
488 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
489 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
490 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
491 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
492 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
493 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
494 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
495 And we've also found Just flip one switch
496 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
497 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
499 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
500 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
501 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
503 'Twas the Night before Crisis
505 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
506 Not a program was working not even a browse.
507 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
508 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
509 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
510 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
511 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
512 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
513 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
514 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
515 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
516 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
517 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
518 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
519 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
520 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
521 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
522 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
524 What I Did During My Fall Semester
525 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
526 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
527 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
529 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
530 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
531 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
533 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
534 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
535 I found a thesis topic:
536 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
537 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
538 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
540 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
542 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
543 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
544 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
545 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
546 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
547 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
548 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
549 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
550 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
551 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
552 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
553 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
554 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
555 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
556 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
557 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
563 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
567 The integral of z squared, dz
568 From 1 to the square root of 3
571 Is the log of the cube root of e
575 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
576 Plans to "Eat it later"
578 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
580 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
581 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
582 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
583 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
584 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
585 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
586 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
587 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
588 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
589 you should blame when you make a mistake.
591 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
592 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
593 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
595 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
597 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
600 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
601 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
602 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
603 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
604 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
605 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
606 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
607 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
608 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
609 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
610 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
611 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
612 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
613 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
614 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
616 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
617 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
618 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
619 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
620 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
622 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
623 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
624 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
625 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
627 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
628 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
629 try this simple test:
630 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
631 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
632 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
633 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
634 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
635 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
637 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
639 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
640 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
641 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
642 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
643 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
644 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
645 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
646 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
647 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
648 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
649 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
650 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
651 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
652 yourself in the morning.
655 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
657 System going down in 60 seconds
661 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
662 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
663 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
664 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
665 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
666 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
667 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
668 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
669 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
670 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
671 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
673 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
675 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
677 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
678 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
681 A dozen, a gross and a score,
682 Plus three times the square root of four,
684 Plus five times eleven,
685 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
687 7,140 pounds on the Sun
688 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
690 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
691 43 pounds on the Moon
692 648 pounds on Jupiter
694 303 pounds on Neptune
697 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
700 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
701 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
702 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
703 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
705 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
706 of carp-to-carp walleting."
708 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
709 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
710 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
711 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
712 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
713 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
714 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
715 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
716 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
717 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
719 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
720 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
721 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
722 have what I think is a pretty good act."
723 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
724 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
725 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
726 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
727 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
728 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
729 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
730 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
731 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
732 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
735 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
738 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
739 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
740 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
741 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
742 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
744 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
745 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
746 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
747 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
748 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
749 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
750 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
751 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
752 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
753 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
755 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
756 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
758 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
759 house of seven gobbles.
761 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
762 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
763 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
764 sadly, "runneth over."
766 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
767 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
768 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
769 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
770 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
771 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
773 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
774 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
775 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
776 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
777 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
778 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
779 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
780 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
781 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
782 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
783 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
784 only blurt out, "What happened?"
785 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
786 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
787 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
788 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
789 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
790 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
792 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
793 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
794 brother and inquires after his pet.
795 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
796 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
797 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
798 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
799 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
800 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
801 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
802 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
804 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
807 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
808 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
809 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
811 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
812 book The Martian Chronicles?"
814 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
817 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
818 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
820 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
821 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
823 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
824 The housewife replied, "Four!".
825 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
826 through my spread sheet one more time."
827 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
828 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
830 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
831 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
832 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
834 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
835 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
836 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
837 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
838 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
839 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
841 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
842 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
843 The bartender ignores him.
844 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
846 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
847 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
848 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
849 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
850 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
851 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
852 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
854 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
855 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
856 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
857 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
858 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
859 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
860 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
861 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
862 told, "that one is 150,000."
863 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
864 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
865 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
866 -- being told in Poland, 1987
868 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
869 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
870 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
871 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
872 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
874 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
876 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
877 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
878 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
879 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
880 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
881 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
882 little more ... that's it."
883 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
884 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
885 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
886 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
887 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
888 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
889 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
890 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
892 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
893 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
894 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
895 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
896 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
897 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
898 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
899 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
901 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
902 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
903 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
904 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
905 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
906 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
907 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
908 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
910 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
911 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
912 was making a bolt for the door.
914 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
915 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
916 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
917 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
920 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
921 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
923 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
925 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
926 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
928 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
929 how long will it take?"
930 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
931 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
932 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
933 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
934 The programmer agreed to this.
935 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
936 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
937 He had been programming all night.
938 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
940 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
941 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
942 manager retained his job.
943 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
944 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
945 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
946 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
947 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
948 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
949 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
950 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
951 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
952 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
954 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
955 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
956 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
957 resigned on the spot.
958 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
959 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
960 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
961 hours of the morning.
962 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
964 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
965 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
966 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
967 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
968 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
969 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
970 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
971 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
972 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
974 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
976 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
977 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
978 he said, "may I examine it?"
979 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
980 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
981 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
982 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
984 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
986 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
987 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
988 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
990 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
991 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
993 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
994 "It is," came the reply.
995 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
996 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
997 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
998 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
999 over for today," he said.
1000 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1004 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1005 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1006 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1007 today's minute attention span.
1009 The Troubled Aardvark
1011 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1012 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1013 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1014 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1015 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1016 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1017 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1018 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1019 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1020 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1021 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1023 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1026 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1027 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1029 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1030 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1031 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1032 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1033 "If what?" asked the composer.
1034 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1036 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1037 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1038 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1039 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1040 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1041 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1042 power-down sequence.
1043 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1044 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1045 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1048 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1049 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1050 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1051 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1052 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1053 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1054 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1055 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1056 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1057 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1058 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1060 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1061 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1062 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1063 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1064 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1065 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1066 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1067 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1068 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1069 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1071 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1072 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1074 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1075 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1076 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1078 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1079 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1080 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1081 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1082 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1083 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1085 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1086 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1087 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1088 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1089 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1090 unnatural entity exist?"
1091 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1092 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1093 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1094 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1095 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1097 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1099 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1100 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1101 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1102 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1103 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1104 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1105 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1107 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1108 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1109 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1110 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1113 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1114 "A dollar for your death."
1117 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1118 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1119 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1120 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1121 party. He walked out into the night.
1122 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1123 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1125 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1126 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1127 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1129 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1130 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1131 has killed them all.
1132 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1133 went out to be killed?
1134 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1135 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1137 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1138 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1139 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1140 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1141 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1143 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1144 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1145 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1146 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1148 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1149 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1150 way that astonishes him least.
1151 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1152 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1154 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1155 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1157 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1159 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1160 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1161 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1162 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1163 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1164 made rude noises during my presentation."
1165 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1166 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1167 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1168 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1169 with social conventions?"
1170 "They are alive within the Tao."
1171 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1173 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1174 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1175 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1178 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1179 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1180 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1181 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1182 which contained twelve more loons.
1183 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1184 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1185 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1186 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1188 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1189 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1190 his wellness potential."
1192 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1193 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1195 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1196 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1198 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1199 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1201 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1202 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1203 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1204 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1205 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1206 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1207 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1208 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1210 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1212 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1213 "This is a parson to parson call."
1214 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1215 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1216 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1217 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1218 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1219 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1220 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1221 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1222 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1225 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1226 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1227 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1229 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1230 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1231 really want to know.
1232 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1233 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1235 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1236 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1237 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1238 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1239 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1240 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1241 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1242 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1243 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1244 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1245 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1246 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1247 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1248 going to it is so large.
1249 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1250 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1251 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1252 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1253 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1254 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1255 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1257 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1258 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1259 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1260 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1261 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1262 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1263 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1264 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1265 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1267 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1268 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1269 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1270 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1271 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1272 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1273 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1275 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1277 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1279 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1280 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1281 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1282 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1283 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1284 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1285 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1287 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1288 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1289 suck the poison from the wound."
1290 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1291 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1292 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1293 who my real friends are."
1295 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1296 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1297 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1299 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1300 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1301 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1302 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1303 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1304 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1305 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1306 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1307 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1308 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1311 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1312 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1313 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1314 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1315 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1317 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1318 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1319 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1321 "This is true," He replied.
1322 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1323 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1324 right to make his laws?"
1325 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1328 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1330 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1331 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1332 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1333 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1334 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1335 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1338 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1339 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1340 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1341 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1343 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1344 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1345 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1346 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1347 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1348 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1349 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1350 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1351 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1352 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1353 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1354 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1355 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1356 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1357 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1358 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1361 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1362 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1363 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1364 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1366 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1367 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1368 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1371 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1372 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1373 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1374 These are the things I learned:
1378 Put things back where you found them.
1379 Clean up your own mess.
1380 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1381 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1382 Wash your hands before you eat.
1384 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1385 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1386 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1387 Take a nap every afternoon.
1388 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1390 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1391 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1392 how or why, but we are all like that.
1393 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1394 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1395 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1396 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1397 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1398 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1400 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1401 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1402 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1403 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1404 and to clean up their own mess.
1405 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1406 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1407 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1408 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1410 All that you touch, And all you create,
1411 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1412 All that you taste, All that you do,
1413 All you feel, And all you say,
1414 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1415 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1416 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1417 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1418 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1419 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1420 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1421 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1423 But the sun is eclipsed
1426 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1427 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1429 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1430 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1431 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1432 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1434 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1435 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1436 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1437 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1438 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1439 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1440 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1441 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1442 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1443 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1444 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1445 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1447 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1448 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1449 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1450 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1452 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1453 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1455 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1456 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1457 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1458 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1459 is ready to build a second system.
1460 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1461 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1462 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1463 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1465 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1466 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1467 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1468 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1470 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1471 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1472 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1473 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1474 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1475 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1477 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1478 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1479 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1480 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1481 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1482 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1484 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1485 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1486 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1487 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1490 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1491 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1492 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1493 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1494 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1495 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1496 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1497 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1498 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1499 this head and pulls the trigger.
1500 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1502 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1503 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1505 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1506 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1507 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1508 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1509 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1510 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1511 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1512 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1513 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1514 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1515 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1516 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1517 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1518 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1520 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1521 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1522 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1523 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1524 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1525 hour seems like a minute."
1526 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1527 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1528 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1530 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1531 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1532 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1533 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1534 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1535 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1536 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1538 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1539 asked the father of his little son.
1542 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1543 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1544 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1545 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1546 can at least make a decision."
1547 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1548 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1549 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1550 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1552 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1553 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1555 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1556 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1557 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1560 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1561 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1562 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1563 "That was the curious incident."
1564 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1566 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1567 preaching to a group of disciples.
1568 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1569 the absolute reality of --"
1570 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1571 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1573 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1574 with the spirit of the morning.
1575 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1577 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1578 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1580 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1581 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1582 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1583 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1584 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1585 Governor, and he vaporized.
1586 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1587 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1589 "Are you police officers?"
1590 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1591 -- The Blues Brothers
1593 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1594 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1597 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1598 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1599 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1600 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1601 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1602 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1604 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1606 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1607 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1608 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1610 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1611 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1613 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1614 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1615 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1616 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1617 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1618 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1619 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1620 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1621 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1622 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1624 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1625 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1626 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1627 by their ignorance the hard way."
1628 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
1630 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1631 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1632 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1633 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1634 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1635 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1636 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1637 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1638 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1639 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1640 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1641 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1642 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1643 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1644 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1645 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1647 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1650 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1651 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1652 still five feet between rails.
1653 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1654 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1655 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1656 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1657 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1658 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1659 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1660 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1661 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1663 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1665 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1666 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1667 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1668 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1669 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1670 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1671 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1672 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1673 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1674 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1675 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1676 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1677 it some other time, Carrie."
1679 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1681 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1682 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1683 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1686 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1687 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1688 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1690 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1691 way I ought to go from here?"
1692 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1694 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1695 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1700 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1701 A medley of extemporanea;
1702 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1703 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1706 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1707 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1709 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1712 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1714 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1715 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1716 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1717 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1718 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1719 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1720 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1721 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1722 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1723 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1724 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1725 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1726 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1727 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1728 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1729 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1730 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1731 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1732 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1734 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1736 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1737 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1738 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1739 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1740 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1741 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1743 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1744 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1745 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1746 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1747 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1749 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1751 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1752 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1753 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1754 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1755 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1756 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1757 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1758 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1759 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1760 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1762 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1763 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1764 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1765 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1767 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1768 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1769 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1770 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1771 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1773 "Do you think there's a God?"
1774 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1777 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1778 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1780 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1782 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1783 Or is Vaseline better?
1785 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1786 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1787 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1788 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1789 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1790 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1791 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1792 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1793 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1794 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1795 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1797 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1798 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1799 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1800 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1802 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1803 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1804 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1805 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1806 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1807 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1808 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1809 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1810 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1811 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1812 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1813 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1814 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1815 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1816 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1817 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1818 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1819 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1820 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1822 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1823 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1824 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1825 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1826 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1827 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1828 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1829 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1830 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1832 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1833 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1834 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1835 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1836 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1837 shot at mine, over there."
1839 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1840 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1841 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1842 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1843 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1844 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1845 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1846 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1847 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1848 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1849 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1850 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1851 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1853 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1854 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1855 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1856 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1859 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1860 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1861 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1862 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1863 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1864 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1865 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1866 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1867 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1868 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1869 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1870 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1872 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1873 that she didn't recognize me.
1874 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1875 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1876 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1877 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1879 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1880 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1881 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1882 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1883 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1884 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1885 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1887 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1888 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1889 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1890 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1891 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1892 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1893 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1894 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1895 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1896 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1897 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1898 energy policy and neither do you."
1899 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1901 "Fantasies are free."
1902 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1904 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1905 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1906 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1908 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1909 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1910 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1911 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1912 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1913 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1914 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1915 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1916 the little hammers strike.
1917 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1918 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1919 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1921 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1922 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1923 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1927 Say my love is easy had,
1928 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1929 Say I am too often sad --
1930 Still behold me at your side.
1932 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1933 Say I woo and coddle care,
1934 Say the devil touched my tongue --
1935 Still you have my heart to wear.
1937 But say my verses do not scan,
1938 And I get me another man!
1941 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1942 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1948 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1949 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1951 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1952 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1954 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1956 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1957 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1958 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1959 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1960 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1961 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1962 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1963 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1964 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1965 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1966 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1967 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1968 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1969 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1971 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
1973 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1975 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1977 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1978 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1979 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1981 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1982 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1984 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
1985 extracurricular activity except you."
1986 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1987 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1991 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1992 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1993 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1994 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1995 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1996 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1998 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1999 differences once and for all.
2000 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2001 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2003 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2004 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2005 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2006 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2007 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2008 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2009 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2010 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2011 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2012 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2013 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2015 Thank you and good luck.
2016 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2018 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2020 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2021 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2022 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2023 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2024 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2025 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2028 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2029 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2030 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2031 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2032 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2033 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2034 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2035 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2036 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2037 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2038 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2039 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2040 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2041 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2042 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2043 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2044 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2045 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2046 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2047 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2048 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2049 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2051 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2053 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2054 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2055 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2056 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2057 had actually implicationed.
2058 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2059 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2060 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2063 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2064 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2065 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2066 to conquer the world.
2067 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2068 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2069 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2070 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2071 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2072 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2073 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2075 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2076 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2077 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2078 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2079 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2080 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2081 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2082 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2083 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2084 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2085 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2087 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2088 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2090 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2091 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2092 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2093 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2094 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2095 the gun on himself!"
2096 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2097 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2099 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2102 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2103 "Yes; I don't have one."
2104 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2105 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2107 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2108 "Oh, twice that long."
2110 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2111 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2114 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2115 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2116 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2117 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2118 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2119 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2120 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2121 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2123 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2124 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2126 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2127 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2128 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2130 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2132 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2133 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2134 without darkening me.
2135 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2137 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2138 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2140 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2141 "How would that help?"
2144 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2147 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2152 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2153 between amd64 and ia64."
2154 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2155 know the difference then."
2156 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2158 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2159 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2160 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2161 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2162 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2163 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2164 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2165 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2166 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2167 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2168 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2169 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2170 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2171 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2172 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2173 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2175 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2176 of her blonde companion.
2177 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2178 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2181 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2182 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2183 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2184 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2185 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2186 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2187 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2188 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2189 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2191 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2192 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2193 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2195 "How many people work here?"
2198 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2199 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2200 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2201 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2203 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2204 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2205 full of money before."
2207 "How'd you get that flat?"
2208 "Ran over a bottle."
2209 "Didn't you see it?"
2210 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2214 I will not play at tug o' war.
2215 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2218 Where everyone giggles
2219 And rolls on the rug,
2220 Where everyone kisses,
2222 And everyone cuddles,
2226 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2227 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2228 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2229 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2230 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2231 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2232 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2233 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2234 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2235 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2236 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2238 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2239 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2240 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2241 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2243 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2245 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2246 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2247 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2250 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2251 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2252 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2253 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2254 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2255 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2256 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2257 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2258 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2260 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2262 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2263 (There's a hole *where*?)
2265 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2266 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2267 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2269 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2270 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2271 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2273 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2275 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2278 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2279 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2281 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2283 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2284 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2285 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2286 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2287 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2291 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2292 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2293 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2294 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2295 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2296 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2297 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2298 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2299 have to get back to you.
2303 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2304 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2305 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2307 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2309 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2310 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2312 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2313 so many different things."
2314 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2316 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2318 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2319 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2320 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2321 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2322 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2323 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2324 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2325 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2326 understand his long delay.
2328 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2329 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2330 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2331 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2332 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2333 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2334 shack in the desert.
2335 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2336 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2337 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2339 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2340 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2341 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2342 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2343 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2344 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2345 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2348 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2349 I think very probably he might be cured."
2350 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2351 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2352 The elders murmured assent.
2353 "Now, what affects it?"
2354 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2355 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2356 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2357 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2358 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2359 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2360 irritation and distraction."
2361 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2362 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2363 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2364 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2365 "And then he will be sane?"
2366 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2367 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2368 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2370 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2371 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2374 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2375 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2376 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2377 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2378 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2380 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2381 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2382 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2383 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2384 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2385 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2386 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2387 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2388 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2389 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2390 happened to be in the right.
2391 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2393 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2395 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2397 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2398 back; I would be nice."
2399 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2401 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2403 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2404 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2405 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2406 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2407 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2409 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2410 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2411 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2412 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2414 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2415 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2416 these complaints represent?"
2417 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2418 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2420 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2422 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2423 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2424 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2425 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2426 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2427 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2428 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2429 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2430 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2431 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2432 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2433 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2434 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2435 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2437 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2438 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2439 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2440 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2441 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2443 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2445 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2446 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2447 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2448 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2449 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2451 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2452 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2455 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2456 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2458 -- The Life of Brian
2460 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2461 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2463 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2464 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2465 that is also a psychological interaction.
2466 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2468 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2469 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2471 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2472 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2473 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2474 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2475 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2477 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2479 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2480 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2482 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2484 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2485 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2486 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2487 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2490 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2491 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2492 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2493 repeat the sequence.
2494 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2495 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2496 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2498 -- William S. Burroughs
2500 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2501 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2502 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2503 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2504 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2505 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2506 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2507 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2508 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2509 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2510 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2511 difficult can it be?"
2512 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2513 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2514 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2515 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2516 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2518 I'd say that VCS is more like the anal sex of the software
2519 world: Everybody talks about it, some people do it, some people enjoy
2520 it, but typically only vague implications about the best techniques
2521 are ever voiced in public.
2522 -- Warner Losh, on Version Control Systems
2524 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2525 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2526 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2527 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2528 them, or something?"
2529 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2530 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2531 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2532 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2533 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2534 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2535 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2536 would destroy the whole point of it."
2537 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2539 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2540 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2542 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2544 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2545 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2546 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2547 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2548 was by the time I find it.
2549 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2550 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2551 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2552 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2556 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2557 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2558 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2561 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2562 Junior, what are you up to?"
2563 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2565 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2566 will publish such rubbish!"
2567 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2568 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2569 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2570 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2571 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2573 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2574 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2575 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2576 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2577 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2578 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2579 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2581 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2582 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2584 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2585 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2586 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2587 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2588 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2589 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2590 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2591 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2592 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2594 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2595 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2596 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2597 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2598 been an efficiency expert?
2599 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2601 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2604 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2605 can see what we have done."
2606 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2607 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2608 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2609 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2610 "Certainly," said man.
2611 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2613 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2615 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2616 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2617 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2618 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2619 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2620 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2621 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2622 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2624 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2625 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2626 large numbers and prospered.
2627 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2628 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2629 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2630 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2631 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2632 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2633 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2634 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2635 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2636 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2637 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2638 -- The Story of Babel
2640 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2641 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2643 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2644 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2645 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2646 How could it be otherwise?
2647 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2649 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2650 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2651 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2652 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2653 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2654 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2655 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2656 you close your eyes?"
2657 "So that the room will be empty."
2658 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2660 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2661 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2662 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2663 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2664 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2665 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2666 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2667 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2668 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2669 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2670 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2672 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2673 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2674 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2675 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2676 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2677 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2680 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2681 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2682 life-style otherwise."
2683 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2685 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2686 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2687 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2688 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2689 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2690 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2691 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2692 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2693 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2694 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2695 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2697 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2700 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2701 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2703 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2704 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2706 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2707 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2709 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2710 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2712 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2713 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2714 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2715 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2717 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2718 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2719 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2720 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2721 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2722 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2723 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2724 freedom and games to the network...
2727 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2728 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2729 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2730 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2731 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2732 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2733 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2734 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2736 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2737 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2738 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2740 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2741 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2742 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2743 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2744 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2745 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2746 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2747 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2748 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2749 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2750 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2751 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2752 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2753 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2754 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2755 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2757 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2758 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2759 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2760 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2761 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2762 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2763 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2764 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2765 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2767 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2768 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2769 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2770 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2771 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2772 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2773 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2775 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2776 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2777 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2778 need to find out where we are."
2779 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2780 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2781 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2783 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2784 fifty feet in the air!"
2785 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2786 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2787 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2790 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2791 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2792 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2794 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2795 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2796 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2797 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2798 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2799 really needed in the first place.
2800 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2801 analogous to the above.
2802 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2804 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2805 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2806 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2807 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2808 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2809 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2810 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2812 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2816 "It means summon's in trouble."
2817 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2819 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2820 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2822 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2823 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2824 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2825 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2826 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2827 it always me, teacher?"
2828 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2831 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2833 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2834 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2835 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2836 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2837 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2838 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2839 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2840 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2841 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2842 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2846 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2847 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2848 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2849 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2850 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2851 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2852 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2853 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2854 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2855 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2856 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2857 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2858 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2859 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2860 now. They're in a band.
2863 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2864 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2865 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2866 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2867 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2868 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2869 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2870 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2871 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2872 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2873 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2874 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2876 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2877 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2878 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2879 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2880 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2881 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2882 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2883 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2884 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2885 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2886 smacked his lips with relish.
2887 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2888 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2893 My love is like an iron wand
2894 That conks me on the head,
2895 My love is like the valium
2896 That I take before my bed,
2897 My love is like the pint of scotch
2898 That I drink when I be dry;
2899 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2900 Until my wife is wise.
2902 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2904 "I said `intellectual'."
2907 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2908 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2911 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2914 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2916 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2917 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2918 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2921 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2922 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2923 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2924 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2925 All I have in the world is this gun."
2927 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2928 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2929 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2930 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2931 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2932 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2933 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2934 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2936 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2937 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2938 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2939 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2940 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2941 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2942 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2943 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2944 movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2945 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2946 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2947 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2948 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2949 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2950 possible, and turns to Murray.
2951 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2952 spits in the sergeants face.
2953 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2954 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2956 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2957 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2958 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2959 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2960 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2961 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2962 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2963 and Knights of Pithiests.
2964 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2965 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2966 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2967 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2968 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2969 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2970 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2971 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2972 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2973 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2974 So we're going back in a few years...
2977 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2978 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2980 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2981 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2982 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2983 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2984 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2985 the alter of human limitations.
2986 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2987 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2988 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2989 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2990 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2991 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2992 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2993 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2994 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2996 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2997 a girl should not do before twenty."
2998 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3001 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3002 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3003 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3004 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3005 true value of the company.
3006 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3007 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3008 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3009 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3010 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3011 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3014 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3015 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3016 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3017 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3018 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3019 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3021 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3022 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3024 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3025 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3026 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3027 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3028 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3029 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3030 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3031 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3032 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3033 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3034 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3035 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3036 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3037 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3038 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3040 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3041 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3042 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3043 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3044 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3045 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3046 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3047 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3048 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3049 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3050 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3051 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3052 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3053 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3054 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3056 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3058 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3059 to be avoided than harped upon.
3060 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3061 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3062 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3063 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3064 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3066 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3067 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3068 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3069 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3071 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3074 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3075 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3076 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3077 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3078 no attention to the signal.
3079 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3080 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3081 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3082 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3083 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3085 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3086 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3087 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3088 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3089 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3090 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3091 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3092 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3093 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3095 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3096 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3097 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3098 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3099 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3100 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3101 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3102 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3103 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3104 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3105 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3106 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3107 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3108 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3111 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3112 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3113 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3114 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3115 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3116 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3117 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3118 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3119 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3120 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3121 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3122 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3123 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3124 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3125 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3126 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3127 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3128 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3130 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3131 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3132 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3133 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3134 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3135 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3136 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3137 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3138 she looked like the side of a barn.
3139 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3140 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3141 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3142 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3143 to decide quickly. I decided.
3144 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3145 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoe came after
3146 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3147 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3148 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3149 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3150 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3151 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3153 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3154 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3155 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3156 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3157 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3158 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3159 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3160 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3161 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3162 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3163 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3164 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3165 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3166 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3167 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3168 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3169 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3170 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3173 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3174 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3175 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3176 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3177 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3178 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3179 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3180 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3181 die quicker than boredom!"
3182 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3183 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3184 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3185 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3186 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3187 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3188 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3189 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3190 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3191 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3192 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3195 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3196 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3197 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3198 dolphins live forever!
3199 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3200 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3201 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3202 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3203 steal one of these birds.
3204 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3205 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3206 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3207 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3208 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3209 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3210 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3211 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3212 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3214 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3215 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3216 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3217 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3218 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3219 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3220 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3221 help you break such a spell."
3222 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3223 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3224 the night under her pillow."
3225 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3226 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3227 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3228 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3229 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3231 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3232 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3233 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3234 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3235 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3236 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3237 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3238 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3239 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3240 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3241 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3242 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3243 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3244 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3245 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3246 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3247 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3248 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3249 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3250 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3251 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3253 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3254 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3255 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3256 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3257 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3258 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3259 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3260 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3261 perception of the elephant.
3262 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3263 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3264 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3265 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3266 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3268 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3269 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3270 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3271 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3272 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3273 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3274 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3275 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3276 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3277 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3278 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3279 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3280 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3282 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3283 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3284 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3285 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3286 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3287 available to anyone.
3288 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3290 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3291 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3293 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3294 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3297 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3298 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3299 went to speak with him.
3300 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3302 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3303 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3304 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3306 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3307 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3308 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3309 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3310 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3311 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3313 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3315 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3316 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3317 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3318 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3320 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3321 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3322 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3323 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3324 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3325 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3326 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3327 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3328 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3329 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3330 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3331 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3332 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3333 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3334 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3335 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3336 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3337 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3338 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3341 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3342 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3343 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3344 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3345 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3346 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3348 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3349 Back came the reply...
3350 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3351 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3352 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3353 Back came the reply...
3354 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3355 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3357 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3358 is our support for UNIX?
3359 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3360 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3361 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3362 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3363 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3364 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3365 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3366 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3367 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3368 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3369 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3370 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3371 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3372 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3373 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3374 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3375 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3379 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3380 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3381 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3382 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3383 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3386 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3387 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3388 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3389 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3390 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3391 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3392 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3395 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3397 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3398 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3399 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3400 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3401 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3403 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3404 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3405 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3406 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3407 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3408 never reveal our sauce."
3409 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3410 kept favoring curry.
3411 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3412 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3414 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3415 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3417 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3418 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3419 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3420 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3421 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3422 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3423 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3424 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3425 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3426 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3427 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3428 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3430 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3431 sounding a bit worried.
3432 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3433 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3434 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3436 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3437 Cobb said, hopping out.
3438 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3440 Phases of a Project:
3444 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3445 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3446 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3448 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3449 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3450 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3451 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3452 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3453 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3454 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3455 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3456 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3457 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3459 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3460 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3461 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3462 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3463 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3465 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3466 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3467 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3468 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3469 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3471 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3473 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3474 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3475 ran like a gentle wind.
3476 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3477 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3478 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3479 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3480 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3481 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3482 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3483 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3484 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3485 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3486 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3487 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3488 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3489 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3491 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3492 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3493 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3494 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3495 starfield surrounding the ship.
3496 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3497 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3498 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3499 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3500 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3501 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3502 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3504 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3505 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3506 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3507 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3508 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3509 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3510 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3511 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3512 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3513 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3514 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3515 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3516 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3517 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3518 On the Campaign Trail"
3520 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3521 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3522 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3523 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3524 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3525 if they don't live our way."
3527 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3528 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3529 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3530 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3531 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3532 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3533 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3534 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3535 "When you look at it that way..."
3536 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3537 Whatever. We want. To do."
3538 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3540 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3541 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3542 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3543 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3544 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3545 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3546 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3547 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3548 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3550 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3552 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3553 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3554 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3556 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3557 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3558 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3559 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3560 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3561 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3562 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3563 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3571 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3572 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3573 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3574 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3575 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3576 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3577 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3578 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3579 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3580 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3582 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3583 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3584 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3585 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3587 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3588 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3589 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3590 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3591 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3592 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3594 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3595 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3596 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3597 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3598 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3599 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3600 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3601 nice gesture you made today, George.
3602 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3603 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3604 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3605 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3608 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3609 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3610 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3611 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3612 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3613 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3614 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3615 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3616 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3617 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3619 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3620 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3621 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3622 the odd integers are prime."
3623 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3624 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3625 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3626 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3627 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3628 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3629 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3630 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3631 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3633 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3634 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3635 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3636 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3637 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3639 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3640 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3643 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3644 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3645 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3647 "What's he wanted for?"
3650 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3651 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3652 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3653 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3654 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3655 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3656 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3657 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3658 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3661 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3662 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3663 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3664 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3665 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3666 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3667 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3668 right straight toward us.
3669 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3670 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3671 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3672 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3673 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3674 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3675 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3676 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3677 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3678 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3679 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3681 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3682 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3683 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3685 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3686 -- Dating in Minnesota
3688 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3689 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3690 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3691 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3692 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3693 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3694 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3695 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3696 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3697 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3698 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3699 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3700 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3701 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3702 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3703 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3704 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3705 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3706 This is the Minneapple.
3708 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3709 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3710 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3712 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3713 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3714 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3715 harmony in the world.
3716 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3718 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3720 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3721 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3722 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3723 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3724 farmers in America."
3725 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3727 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3728 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3729 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3730 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3731 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3732 Machineries of Joy?"
3733 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3734 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3736 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3738 Bottle 750 milliliters
3739 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3741 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3742 Methuselah 8 bottles
3743 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3744 Balthazar 16 bottles
3745 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3746 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3748 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3749 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3750 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3751 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3753 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3754 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3756 "What is your name?"
3757 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3758 "What is your quest?"
3759 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3760 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3761 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3762 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3764 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3765 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3766 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3767 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3768 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3769 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3770 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3771 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3772 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3773 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3774 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3775 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3776 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3777 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3778 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3779 broke and rolled back.
3780 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3782 "Surely you can't be serious."
3783 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3785 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3786 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3787 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3788 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3789 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3790 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3791 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3793 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3795 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3796 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3797 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3798 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3799 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3801 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3803 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3804 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3805 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3807 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3808 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3809 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3810 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3811 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3812 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3813 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3814 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3815 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3816 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3817 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3819 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3820 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3821 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3822 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3823 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3824 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3825 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3826 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3827 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3828 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3830 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3831 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3832 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3833 got a sense of humor?"
3834 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3836 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3837 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3838 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3840 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3843 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3845 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3846 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3848 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3849 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3850 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3851 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3852 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3854 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3855 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3857 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3859 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3861 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3862 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3864 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3865 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3866 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3867 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3868 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3870 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3871 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3873 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3875 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3877 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3878 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3880 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3881 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3882 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3883 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3884 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3885 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3886 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3888 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3889 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3890 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3891 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3892 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3893 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3895 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3896 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3897 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3898 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3899 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3900 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3901 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3902 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3903 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3905 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3906 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3907 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3908 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3910 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3912 On the good ship Enterprise
3913 Every week there's a new surprise
3914 Where the Romulans lurk
3915 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3917 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3918 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3920 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3922 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3923 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3924 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3925 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3927 It's the good ship Enterprise
3928 Heading out where danger lies
3929 And you live in dread
3930 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3931 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3933 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3934 the subject of towels.
3935 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3936 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3937 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3938 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3939 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3940 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3941 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3942 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3944 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3945 the subject of towels.
3946 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3947 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3948 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3949 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3950 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3951 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3952 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3953 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3955 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3957 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3958 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3959 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3960 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3961 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3962 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3963 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3964 "That's two," he said.
3965 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3966 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3967 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3968 shot the horse between the eyes.
3969 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3970 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3971 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3973 "The jig's up, Elman."
3977 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3979 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3980 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3981 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3982 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3983 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3986 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3987 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3988 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3991 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
3992 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
3993 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
3995 Here is a sample program:
3996 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
3997 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
3998 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
3999 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4001 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4003 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4005 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4009 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4011 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4013 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4015 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4016 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4017 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4019 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4020 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4021 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4024 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4025 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4026 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4028 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4029 you find the time to try it again?"
4031 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4032 a position of negative need.
4033 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4034 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4036 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4037 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4038 prestige of His identity.
4039 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4040 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4041 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4042 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4043 into a pleasurific mood state.
4044 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4045 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4046 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4047 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4048 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4049 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4050 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4051 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4054 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4055 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4056 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4057 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4058 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4059 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4060 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4062 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4064 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4065 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4067 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4068 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4070 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4071 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4072 you know where it might be?"
4073 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4074 in the data center."
4075 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4077 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4078 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4080 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4081 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4082 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4084 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4085 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4086 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4087 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4089 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4090 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4092 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4093 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4095 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4096 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4097 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4098 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4100 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4101 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4102 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4104 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4105 logically experienced citizens."
4107 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4108 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4109 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4111 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4112 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4114 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4115 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4117 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4118 Alice corrected herself.
4119 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4120 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4121 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4122 time completely bewildered.
4123 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4124 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4125 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4127 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4128 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4129 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4130 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4131 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4132 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4134 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4135 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4136 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4137 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4138 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4139 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4141 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4143 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4144 problems in order to get results
4145 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4146 toy problems in order to get results.
4148 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4149 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4150 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4151 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4152 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4153 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4154 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4155 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4157 "The pyramid is opening!"
4159 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4160 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4161 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4163 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4164 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4165 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4166 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4167 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4168 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4169 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4170 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4171 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4172 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4173 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4174 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4175 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4176 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4177 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4179 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4181 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4183 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4184 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4186 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4187 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4189 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4190 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4192 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4193 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4194 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4195 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4196 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4197 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4198 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4200 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4201 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4202 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4203 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4205 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4207 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4208 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4209 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4211 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4212 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4214 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4218 The wombat lives across the seas,
4219 Among the far Antipodes.
4220 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4221 Or then again, on missionaries;
4222 His distant habitat precludes
4223 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4224 But I would not engage the wombat
4225 In any form of mortal combat.
4227 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4228 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4229 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4230 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4231 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4232 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4233 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4234 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4235 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4236 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4237 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4238 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4239 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4240 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4241 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4244 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4245 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4246 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4247 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4248 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4249 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4250 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4251 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4252 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4253 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4254 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4255 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4256 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4258 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4259 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4260 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4262 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4263 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4264 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4265 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4266 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4270 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4271 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4272 hard, to keep from falling.
4273 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4274 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4276 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4277 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4278 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4279 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4281 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4282 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4287 Into love and out again,
4288 Thus I went and thus I go.
4289 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4290 Well and bitterly I know
4291 All the songs were ever sung,
4292 All the words were ever said;
4293 Could it be, when I was young,
4294 Someone dropped me on my head?
4297 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4298 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4299 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4300 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4301 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4303 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4304 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4305 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4306 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4307 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4308 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4309 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4310 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4312 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4313 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4314 that people cannot think.
4315 -- Richard W. Hamming
4317 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4318 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4319 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4320 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4321 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4322 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4323 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4324 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4325 but nothing was to be found.
4326 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4327 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4328 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4329 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4330 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4331 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4332 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4333 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4335 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4336 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4337 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4338 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4339 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4340 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4341 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4343 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4344 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4345 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4346 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4347 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4349 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4350 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4351 a man who answered one door.
4352 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4354 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4355 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4356 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4357 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4359 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4360 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4361 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4362 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4363 they're carrying upstairs!"
4365 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnaped
4366 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4367 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4369 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4370 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4371 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4373 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4374 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4375 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4376 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4377 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4378 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4379 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4380 Proof: assume the opposite...
4382 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4383 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4384 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4385 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4386 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4387 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4389 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4390 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4391 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4392 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4393 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4394 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4395 is easier to design."
4396 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4397 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4398 The programmer made no reply.
4399 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4401 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4402 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4403 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4404 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4405 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4406 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4407 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4408 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4409 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4410 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4411 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4412 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4413 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4414 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4416 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4417 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4418 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4419 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4420 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4421 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4422 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4423 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4424 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4425 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4426 things was itself the doing of them.
4427 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4428 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4429 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4430 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4431 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4432 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4433 spread only for demons or for gods."
4434 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4436 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4437 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4438 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4439 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4440 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4441 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4442 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4443 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4444 country. We're completely computerized.
4445 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4446 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4447 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4448 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4449 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4450 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4451 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4452 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4453 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4454 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4455 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4456 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4457 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4459 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4460 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4461 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4462 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4463 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4464 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4465 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4466 making anything out of all the hard work.
4467 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4468 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4469 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4470 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4471 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4473 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4474 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4476 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4477 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4478 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4479 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4480 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4481 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4482 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4483 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4484 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4485 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4486 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4487 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4488 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4489 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4490 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4492 To A Quick Young Fox
4493 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4494 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4495 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4496 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4499 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4500 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4501 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4502 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4503 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4504 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4505 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4506 pint of ice cream nearby.
4507 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4509 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4511 The other saw stars.
4513 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4514 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4517 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4518 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4519 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4520 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4521 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4522 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4523 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4524 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4525 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4526 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4527 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4528 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4529 was Carmen or Cohen.
4530 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4531 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4532 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4534 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4535 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4537 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4539 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4540 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4541 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4542 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4543 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4544 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4545 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4546 soggy potato chips."
4547 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4548 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4549 "but I thought it made good copy."
4550 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4552 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4553 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4556 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4557 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4558 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4560 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4561 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4562 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4564 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4566 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4568 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4570 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4571 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4572 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4573 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4574 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4575 by law, up to and including nothing.
4576 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4577 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4578 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4579 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4580 attack shark at which point we relented.
4581 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4583 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4584 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4585 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4586 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4588 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4589 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4590 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4591 -- William Burroughs
4593 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4595 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4596 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4597 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4598 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4599 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4600 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4601 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4602 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4603 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4604 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4605 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4606 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4608 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4609 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4610 psycho-prompter couch?"
4612 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4613 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4614 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4616 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4617 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4618 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4619 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4620 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4621 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4623 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4624 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4625 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4627 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4631 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4632 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4633 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4634 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4635 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4636 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4637 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4638 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4639 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4640 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4641 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4642 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4643 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4644 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4645 Time passed, unheeded.
4646 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4647 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4650 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4651 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4652 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4653 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4655 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4656 let him lie there all night."
4657 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4658 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4659 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4660 that a bunch of thugs had kidnaped him."
4661 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4662 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4663 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4664 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4665 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4666 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4667 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4668 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4669 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4671 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4672 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4673 maim or kill innocent little children."
4674 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4675 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4678 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4680 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4681 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4682 "It means the Thing to Do."
4683 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4685 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4686 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4687 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4690 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4691 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4692 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4693 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4695 The New Yorker's comment:
4696 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4698 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4699 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4700 "No, we just don't like him."
4701 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4702 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4703 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4704 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4706 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4707 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4708 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4709 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4712 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4713 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4714 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4715 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4716 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4717 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4718 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4719 they're not selling."
4720 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4721 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4723 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4724 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4725 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4726 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4727 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4728 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4730 "What are we going to do?"
4731 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4732 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4733 short initiation period."
4734 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4736 "What are you watching?"
4738 "Well, what's happening?"
4739 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4741 "Why are you watching it?"
4742 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4746 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4748 "You keep it to yourself."
4751 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4753 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4755 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4756 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4757 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4758 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4759 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4760 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4761 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4762 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4763 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4764 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4765 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4766 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4767 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4768 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4770 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4771 didn't believe in God".
4772 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4773 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4774 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4777 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4778 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4779 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4780 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4782 "What's that thing?"
4783 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4784 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4785 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4786 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4788 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4789 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4790 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4791 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4792 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4793 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4794 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4795 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4797 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4798 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4799 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4801 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4802 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4803 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4804 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4805 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4806 moved farther to the left."
4807 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4809 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4810 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4811 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4813 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4814 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4815 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4816 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4818 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4819 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4821 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4822 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4823 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4824 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4825 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4827 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4828 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4829 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4830 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4831 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4832 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4833 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4834 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4835 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4836 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4838 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4840 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4841 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4842 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4843 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4845 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4847 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4848 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4849 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4850 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4851 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4852 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4853 then. We're trying to catch her."
4854 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4855 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4856 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4858 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4859 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4860 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4863 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4864 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4865 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4867 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4868 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4869 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4870 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4871 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4872 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4873 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4874 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4875 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4876 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4877 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4878 why the sea is salt."
4879 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4880 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4882 Why are you doing this to me?
4883 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4885 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4887 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4888 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4889 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4890 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4893 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4894 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4895 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4896 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4897 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4898 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4899 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4900 "Okay. It's your wife."
4904 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4905 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4912 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4913 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4915 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4916 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4917 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4918 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4919 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4921 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4922 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4923 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4924 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4925 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4926 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4927 long, and two mouses wide."
4928 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4930 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4934 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4935 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4936 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4937 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4938 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4939 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4940 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4941 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4943 "You are *so* lovely."
4945 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4947 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4948 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4949 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4951 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4952 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4953 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4954 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4955 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4957 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4958 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4959 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4961 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4962 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
4963 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4965 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4966 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4967 fit to hear his view of things?"
4968 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4969 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4970 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4971 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4972 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4973 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4974 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4976 "You say there are two types of people?"
4977 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4979 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4980 Those who separate people into three groups.
4981 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4982 Those who can't decide."
4983 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4985 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4986 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4988 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4989 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4992 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4993 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4994 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4995 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4996 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4997 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4998 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4999 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5000 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5001 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5002 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5003 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5004 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5005 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5007 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5008 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5009 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5010 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5011 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5012 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5013 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5014 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5015 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5016 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5017 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5018 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5019 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5020 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5021 cats on the dinette table, etc.
5022 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5024 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5025 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5027 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5029 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5030 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5031 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5032 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5033 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5034 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5035 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5037 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5038 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5039 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5040 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5041 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5042 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5044 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5045 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5061 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5062 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5063 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5064 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5070 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5072 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5073 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5075 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5077 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5078 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5079 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5080 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5081 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5083 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5095 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5096 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5097 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5098 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5099 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5100 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5101 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5102 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5103 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5110 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5114 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5116 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5117 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5118 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5119 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5120 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5121 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5122 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5124 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5126 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5127 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5128 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5129 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5130 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5132 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
5134 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5135 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5136 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5137 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5138 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5140 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
5142 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5144 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5145 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5146 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5147 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5148 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5151 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5153 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5155 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5156 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5157 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5158 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5159 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5162 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5164 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5165 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5166 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5167 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5169 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5170 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5171 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5174 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5175 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5176 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5178 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5179 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5181 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5183 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5185 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5186 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5187 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5188 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5190 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5192 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5193 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5194 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5195 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5196 it cold boots the machine so often.
5198 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5200 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5201 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5202 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5203 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5204 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5206 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5211 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5212 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5213 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5214 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5215 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5217 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5219 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5221 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5222 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5223 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5224 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5225 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5226 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5227 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5228 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5229 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5230 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5232 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5234 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5235 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5236 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5237 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5238 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5239 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5240 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5241 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5242 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5243 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5244 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5246 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5248 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5249 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5253 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5255 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5257 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5260 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5262 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5264 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5266 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5268 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5269 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5270 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5271 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5272 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5274 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5276 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5277 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5278 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5279 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5280 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5281 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5282 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5283 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5286 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5288 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5289 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5290 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5291 second per second takes over.
5292 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5293 intervenes suddenly.
5294 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5295 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5296 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5297 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5299 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5300 conforming to its perimeter.
5301 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5302 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5303 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5304 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5305 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5306 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5308 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5309 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5310 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5312 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5313 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5316 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5317 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5318 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5321 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5322 have turned into a pile of dust.
5324 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5325 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5328 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5329 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5330 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5331 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5332 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5333 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5334 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5336 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5337 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5338 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5339 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5340 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5341 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5342 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5343 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5344 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5345 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5347 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5349 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5350 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5351 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5352 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5353 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5354 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5356 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5357 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5358 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5361 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5362 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5363 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5364 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5365 never when standing.
5367 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5368 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5369 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5370 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5371 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5372 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5373 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5374 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5375 astray by hunting and pecking.
5376 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5377 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5379 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5381 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5383 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5385 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5386 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5387 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5388 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5389 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5390 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5391 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5392 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5393 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5394 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5395 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5396 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5398 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5399 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5400 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5401 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5402 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5403 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5404 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5405 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5406 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5407 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5409 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5410 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5411 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5412 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5413 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5414 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5415 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5416 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5417 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5419 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5422 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5423 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5424 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5425 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5426 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5427 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5428 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5429 other's private parts.
5430 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5432 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5433 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5437 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5438 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5441 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5442 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5443 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5444 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5445 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5446 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5448 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5450 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5452 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5453 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5454 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5455 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5456 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5457 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5458 knows them in the naming.
5459 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5465 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5466 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5467 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5468 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5471 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5472 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5473 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5474 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5476 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5478 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5479 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5480 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5481 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5482 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5483 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5484 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5485 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5486 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5487 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5488 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5489 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5490 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5492 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5493 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5494 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5495 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5497 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5499 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5500 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5501 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5504 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5505 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5506 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5508 : is not an identifier
5510 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5511 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5512 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5513 superficial design flaws.
5514 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5515 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5517 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5518 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5519 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5520 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5523 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5524 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5527 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5528 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5531 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5532 legally ... impeccable!
5534 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5535 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5536 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5537 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5538 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5539 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5540 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5541 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5542 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5543 of a lucrative nature.
5544 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5545 osseous structure, but appelations will eternally remain innocuous.
5547 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5551 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5552 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5553 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5555 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5556 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5559 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5560 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5561 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5562 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5563 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5564 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5565 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5566 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5567 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5568 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5569 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5570 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5571 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5572 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5574 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5576 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5577 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5578 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5579 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5580 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5581 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5582 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5584 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5585 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5589 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5590 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5591 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5592 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5593 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5594 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5595 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5597 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5598 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5599 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5600 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5601 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5603 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5604 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5605 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5606 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5607 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5609 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5610 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5611 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5612 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5613 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5614 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5616 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5617 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5618 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5619 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5620 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5622 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5623 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5624 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5625 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5626 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5627 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5628 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5629 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5630 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5631 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5632 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5633 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5634 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5635 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5636 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5638 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5640 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5641 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5642 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5643 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5644 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5645 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5646 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5647 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5648 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5649 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5650 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5651 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5652 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5653 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5654 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5655 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5657 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5662 Norman, knock loudly,
5667 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5670 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5671 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5672 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5675 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5676 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5677 optimal cachinnation.
5679 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5680 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5681 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5682 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5683 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5685 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5686 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5687 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5688 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5690 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5692 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5693 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5694 -- The Firesign Theater
5696 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5697 from beginning to end.
5698 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5701 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5703 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5705 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5706 entrances; others cannot.
5707 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5708 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5709 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5710 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5711 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5713 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5714 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5715 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5716 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5717 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5718 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5719 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5720 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5721 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5722 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5723 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5724 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5725 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5729 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5730 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5731 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5732 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5733 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5734 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5735 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5736 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5737 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5738 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5740 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5741 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5743 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5744 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5747 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5748 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5749 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5750 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5751 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5752 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5753 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5754 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5755 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5756 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5757 barely able to walk.
5758 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5759 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5760 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5761 "The good news first!"
5762 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5763 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5764 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5765 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5768 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5770 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5771 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5772 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5774 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5775 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5777 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5778 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5779 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5780 Wash the windows once a week.
5781 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5782 coal for the day's business.
5783 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5785 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5786 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5787 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5788 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5789 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5792 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5794 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5795 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5796 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5797 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5798 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5799 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5800 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5801 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5802 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5803 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5804 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5806 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5807 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5808 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5809 [4] Four is an even number.
5810 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5811 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5812 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5814 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5815 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5816 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5817 [4] Four is an even number.
5818 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5819 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5820 Therefore, all horses are black.
5822 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5823 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5824 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5825 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5826 the social ramble ain't restful.
5827 5. Avoid running at all times.
5828 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5829 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5831 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5832 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5834 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5835 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5836 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5837 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5838 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5839 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5840 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5841 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5842 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5843 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5844 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5845 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5846 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5847 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5848 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5849 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5850 to 1 meter per second
5851 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5852 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5853 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5854 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5855 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5856 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5857 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5858 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5859 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5863 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5864 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5865 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5866 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5868 1: No code table for op: ++post
5871 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5872 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5873 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5874 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5875 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5876 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5877 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5879 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5880 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5881 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5882 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5883 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5884 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5885 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5886 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5887 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5888 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5890 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
5892 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5894 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5895 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5896 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5897 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5898 other beers on the side.
5899 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
5901 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5902 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5903 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5904 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5906 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5907 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5908 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5910 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5912 Take one down, short it to ground
5913 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5915 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5917 Take one down, short it to ground
5918 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
5922 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5923 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5924 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5926 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5928 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5929 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5933 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5936 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5940 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5946 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5949 1/2 oz. orange juice
5952 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5953 Long Island Iced Tea
5957 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5959 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5960 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5961 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5962 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5963 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5964 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5966 Nine in the second place means:
5967 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5969 Six in the third place means:
5970 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5971 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5973 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5976 17th Rule of Friendship:
5978 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5979 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5981 -- Esquire, May 1977
5983 186,000 miles per second:
5984 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5986 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5987 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5989 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5990 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5991 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5992 1907 Good to the last drop
5993 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5994 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5995 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5996 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5997 1919 It satisfies thirst
5998 1919 The taste is the test
5999 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6000 1922 Thirst knows no season
6001 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6002 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6004 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6005 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6006 1929 The pause that refreshes
6007 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6008 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6009 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6010 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6011 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6012 1939 Thirst stops here
6013 1942 It's the real thing
6015 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6016 1963 Things go better with Coke
6017 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6018 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6020 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6022 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6024 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6026 2180, U.S. History question:
6027 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6028 office did he later hold?
6030 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6031 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6032 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6034 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6039 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6041 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6042 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6043 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6044 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6045 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6047 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6049 3rd Law of Computing:
6050 Anything that can go wr
6051 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6053 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6055 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6057 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6058 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6059 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6060 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6061 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6062 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6063 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6064 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6065 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6067 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6068 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6069 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6070 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6071 and other good books.
6072 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6073 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6074 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6075 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6076 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6077 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6078 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6079 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6080 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6081 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6083 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6091 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6092 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6095 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6096 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6097 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6099 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6100 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6102 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6103 and the rest hang out around here.
6105 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6107 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6108 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6110 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6112 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6113 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6115 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6116 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6118 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6121 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6123 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6124 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6127 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6129 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6133 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6134 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6136 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6137 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6140 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6141 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6144 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6147 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6150 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6152 A beginning is the time for taking the
6153 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6154 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6156 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6157 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6159 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6160 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6161 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6162 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6164 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6165 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savanna in their
6166 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6168 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6169 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6170 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6171 there's one white zebra."
6172 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6174 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6176 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6178 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6181 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6183 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6189 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6190 that the animal is going somewhere.
6193 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6194 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6195 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6196 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6197 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6198 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6199 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6200 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6201 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6202 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6203 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6204 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6205 resource centers along the roads.
6206 -- The Underground Grammarian
6208 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6209 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6211 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6212 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6214 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6216 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6217 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6220 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6221 of turning around three times before lying down.
6224 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6227 A budget is just a method of worrying
6228 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6230 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6232 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6234 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6235 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6236 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6237 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6238 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6239 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6240 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6241 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6242 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6243 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6244 pole in a complex plane."
6246 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6247 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6248 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6249 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6250 -- Robert W. Service
6252 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6253 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6255 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6258 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6259 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6261 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6262 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6263 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6264 examine him about his recent diet.
6265 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6267 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6268 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6269 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6270 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6271 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6272 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6273 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6275 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6277 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6278 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6279 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6280 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6281 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6282 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6283 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6285 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6286 does not prove anything.
6287 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6289 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6291 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6292 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6294 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6295 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6296 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6297 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6298 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6299 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6300 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6301 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6304 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6305 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6306 who passed it on to theirs.
6308 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6309 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6310 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6311 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6312 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6313 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6314 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6315 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6316 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6317 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6318 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6319 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6320 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6321 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6323 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6324 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6325 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6327 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6328 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6330 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6332 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6335 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6337 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6338 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6339 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6342 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6344 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6345 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6347 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6348 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6350 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6351 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6354 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6357 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6359 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6360 and nobody wants to read.
6361 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6363 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6365 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6366 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6367 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6368 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6369 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6371 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6373 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6374 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6375 valuable scientific objectivity.
6377 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6378 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6379 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6381 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6382 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6384 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6386 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6387 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6388 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6389 disability you may have experienced.
6391 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6392 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6393 explained in terms that you would understand.
6395 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6396 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6397 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6399 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6401 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6402 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6403 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6405 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6406 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6408 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6409 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6410 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6411 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6413 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6414 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6416 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6417 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6418 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6419 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6421 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6424 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6425 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6427 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6428 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6431 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6434 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6436 A complex system that works is invariably
6437 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6439 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6442 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6445 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6446 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6449 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6450 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6451 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6452 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6454 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6455 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6456 Computer: George Washington.
6457 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6458 Where is my father?"
6459 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6460 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6462 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6463 landed a twelve pound bass.
6465 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6466 the computer science student has run in to.
6468 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6469 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6470 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6471 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6472 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6473 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6474 get the pointer value from there?
6475 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6476 make it point to the previous item.
6477 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6478 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6480 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6482 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6484 A computer science student on an exam:
6486 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6487 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6488 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6491 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6493 A computer, to print out a fact,
6494 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6495 But this output can be
6496 No more than debris,
6497 If the input was short of exact.
6500 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6501 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6503 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6505 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6506 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6509 A CONS is an object which cares.
6512 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6515 A conservative is a man
6516 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6519 A conservative is a man
6520 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6521 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6523 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6524 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6526 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6529 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6530 damned things is ample.
6533 A couch is as good as a chair.
6535 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6538 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6539 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6540 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6541 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6542 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6543 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6544 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6545 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6546 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6548 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6549 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6550 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6551 there, he don't have one!"
6553 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6554 money is always there but the pockets change;
6555 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6556 and that is all there is to say about money.
6559 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6560 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6561 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6562 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6563 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6564 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6565 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6566 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6567 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6568 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6569 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6570 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6571 this central section.
6572 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6573 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6574 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6575 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6577 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6580 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6581 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6582 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6584 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6587 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6589 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6591 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6593 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6595 A day without sunshine is like night.
6597 A dead man cannot bite.
6598 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6600 A debugged program is one for which you have
6601 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6604 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6605 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6606 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6607 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6608 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6609 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6610 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6612 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6613 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6615 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6616 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6618 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6619 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6622 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6623 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6624 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6626 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6629 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6630 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6632 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6635 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6636 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6638 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6639 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6640 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6642 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6644 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6645 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6646 that you only have six weeks to live."
6647 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6649 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6652 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6653 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6654 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6655 courtesy," he explained.
6657 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6660 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6664 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6667 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6668 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6669 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6670 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6672 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6675 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6677 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6680 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6681 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6683 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6685 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6686 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6687 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6688 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6689 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6690 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6691 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6693 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6694 -- Winston Churchill
6696 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6698 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6699 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6700 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6701 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6702 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6703 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6704 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6705 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6706 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6707 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6708 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6709 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6710 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6712 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6713 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6716 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6717 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6718 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6719 should be masculine or feminine.
6720 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6721 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6722 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6723 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6724 went on their way rather quickly.
6725 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6726 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6727 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6729 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6731 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6732 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6733 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6736 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6737 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6739 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6741 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6743 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6744 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6745 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6746 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6747 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6748 drowned in the lake!"
6749 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6750 more chain than he can swim with?"
6752 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6753 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6754 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6755 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6756 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6757 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6760 (Or scatters scats);
6761 A potting shed's for potting;
6764 Or caught an otter otting.
6767 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6769 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6770 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6772 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6774 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6776 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6778 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6779 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6781 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6783 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6784 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6786 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6787 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6789 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6790 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6791 -- George Bernard Shaw
6793 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6796 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6798 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6801 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6802 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6803 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6805 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6808 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6811 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6813 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6814 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6816 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6817 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6820 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6821 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6823 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6825 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6828 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6830 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6833 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6835 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6836 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6837 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6838 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6841 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6842 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6844 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6845 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6846 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6847 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6848 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6851 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6852 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6853 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6854 electrical shock to the horse.
6855 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6856 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6857 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6858 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6859 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6860 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6862 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6864 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6866 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6868 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6870 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6872 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6875 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6877 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6878 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6879 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
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\ba_
\bt _
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\ba_
\bd _
\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6880 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6882 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6883 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6885 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6888 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6889 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6891 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6892 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6894 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6895 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6896 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6897 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6901 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6902 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6903 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6904 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6905 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6906 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6909 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6910 -- Michel de Montaigne
6912 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6914 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6915 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6918 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6921 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6925 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6926 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6927 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6930 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6933 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6935 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6937 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6938 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6939 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6940 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6942 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6943 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6944 "That's dynamite, baby."
6945 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
6947 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6948 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6952 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6953 the table after you eat.
6955 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6958 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6959 to take it all away.
6962 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6964 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6967 A great many people think they are thinking
6968 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6971 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6974 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6975 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6976 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6977 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6978 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6979 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6980 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6981 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
6982 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6983 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6984 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6985 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6986 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6987 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6989 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6990 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6991 not going to church on Sunday.
6994 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6997 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6998 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7000 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7003 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7004 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7005 Brings good fortune.
7007 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7009 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7011 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7013 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7014 weight in other people's patience.
7017 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7019 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7020 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7021 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7026 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7027 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7028 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7029 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7030 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7031 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7032 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7033 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7034 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7036 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7038 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7039 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7042 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7043 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7045 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7046 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7047 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7048 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7049 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7050 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7051 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7052 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7053 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7055 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7057 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7058 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7060 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7062 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7063 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7064 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
7066 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7069 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7072 A hypothetical paradox:
7073 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7074 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7075 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7078 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7079 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7080 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7081 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7082 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7083 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7084 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
7085 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7086 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7087 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7088 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7089 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7090 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7091 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7096 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7097 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7098 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7099 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7100 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7101 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7102 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7103 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7104 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7105 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7106 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7107 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7108 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7109 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7110 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7111 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7112 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7113 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7114 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7115 T is for true, which does very little.
7116 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7117 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7118 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7119 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7120 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7121 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7122 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7124 A joint is just tea for two.
7126 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7128 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7131 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7134 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7136 Simply handed in through the window.
7137 There is certainly no blame in this.
7139 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7142 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7143 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7145 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7147 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7148 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7150 A king's castle is his home.
7152 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7153 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7154 words are superfluous.
7156 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7158 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7161 A lady with one of her ears applied
7162 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7163 Two female gossips in converse free --
7164 The subject engaging them was she.
7165 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7166 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7167 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7168 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7169 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7170 "To hear my character lied about!"
7173 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7174 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7177 A language that doesn't have everything is
7178 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7179 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7181 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7182 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7183 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7184 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7185 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7186 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7187 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7188 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7189 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7190 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7191 this here corn liquor?"
7192 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7193 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7194 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7195 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7196 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7197 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7198 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7199 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7202 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7203 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7206 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7207 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7208 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7209 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7210 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7211 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7212 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7213 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7214 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7215 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7216 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7217 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7219 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7220 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7222 A Law of Computer Programming:
7223 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7224 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7226 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7229 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7232 A lie in time saves nine.
7234 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7238 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7240 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7242 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7244 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7245 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7247 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7250 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7251 Into space that is quite economical.
7252 But the good ones I've seen
7253 So seldom are clean,
7254 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7256 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7257 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7260 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7263 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7265 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7268 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7269 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7271 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7272 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7273 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7274 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7275 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7277 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7278 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7279 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7280 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7281 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7282 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7285 A little word of doubtful number,
7286 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7287 If you add an "s" to this,
7288 Great is the metamorphosis.
7289 Plural is plural now no more,
7290 And sweet what bitter was before.
7293 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7295 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7297 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7298 Buy the negatives at any price.
7300 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7302 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7305 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7306 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7309 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7312 A major, with wonderful force,
7313 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7314 All the flowers looked round,
7315 But no horse could be found;
7316 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7318 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7321 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7322 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7324 A man always remembers his first love with special
7325 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7328 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7329 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7330 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7331 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7333 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7334 on the side to make it interesting?"
7336 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7340 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7343 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7344 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7345 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7347 A deep majestic voice answered,
7348 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7349 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7350 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7351 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7352 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7353 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7355 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7359 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7360 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7362 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7365 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7366 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7367 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7369 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7370 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7371 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7372 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7374 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7375 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7376 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7377 and he heads off into the distance.
7378 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7379 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7380 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7381 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7382 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7383 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7385 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7388 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7389 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7392 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7393 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7394 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7396 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7399 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7400 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7402 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7403 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7406 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7407 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7408 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7410 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7412 A man said to the Universe:
7414 "However," replied the Universe,
7415 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7418 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7419 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7420 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7421 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7422 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7424 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7425 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7426 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7427 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7428 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7429 just want to get my saddle back!"
7431 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7432 he is able to answer.
7435 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7437 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7438 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7439 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7440 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7441 wakes up and gives me hell."
7442 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7444 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7445 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7446 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7447 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7448 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7451 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7452 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7453 why did you Di......eeee"
7454 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7455 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7456 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7457 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7458 why....eeeee did you.."
7459 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7460 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7461 "My wife's first husband."
7463 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7464 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7466 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7469 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7470 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7472 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7473 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7475 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7477 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7479 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7480 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7482 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7484 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7486 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7488 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7489 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7490 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7491 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7492 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7494 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7496 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7498 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7499 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7501 A man's house is his castle.
7504 A man's house is his hassle.
7506 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7507 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7508 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7509 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7510 "What about you: do you see it?"
7511 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7512 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7513 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7514 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7515 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7517 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7518 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7519 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7520 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7522 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7523 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7524 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7526 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7528 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7531 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7533 A meeting is an event at which the
7534 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7536 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7537 but to protect the writer.
7540 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7541 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7544 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7545 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7546 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7547 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7548 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7549 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7550 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7551 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7552 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7553 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7554 fall over gently onto their backs.
7555 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7557 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7559 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7560 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7561 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7563 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7564 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7566 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7567 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7568 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7571 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7572 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7575 A mighty creature is the germ,
7576 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7577 His customary dwelling place
7578 Is deep within the human race.
7579 His childish pride he often pleases
7580 By giving people strange diseases.
7581 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7582 You probably contain a germ.
7585 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7587 A modem is a baudy house.
7589 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7590 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7593 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7594 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7595 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7596 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7597 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7598 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7599 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7600 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7601 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7602 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7603 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7604 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7607 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7608 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7611 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7613 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7615 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7617 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7619 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7620 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7623 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7624 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7626 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7629 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7631 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7632 will be to us a national blessing.
7633 -- Alexander Hamilton
7635 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7636 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7637 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7638 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7640 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7641 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7642 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7643 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7644 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7645 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7646 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7649 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7650 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7651 It is an ice cream koan.
7653 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7654 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7655 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7657 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7658 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7659 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7660 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7661 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7662 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7663 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7664 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7666 A New Way of Taking Pills
7667 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7668 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7669 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7670 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7671 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7673 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7674 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7676 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7677 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7678 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7679 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7680 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7681 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7682 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7683 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7684 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7685 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7686 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7687 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7688 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7692 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7693 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7694 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7695 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7696 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7697 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7698 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7699 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7700 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7703 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7704 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7706 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7709 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7710 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7713 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7715 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7717 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7718 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7721 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7723 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7724 enlightenment, several years later.
7729 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7730 With thought and sarcasm.
7732 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7734 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7735 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7737 A Parable of Modern Research:
7739 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7740 brightly lit corner.
7741 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7742 "I can only see here."
7744 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7745 -- William S. Burroughs
7747 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7750 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7752 A penny saved has not been spent.
7754 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7756 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7758 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7760 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7761 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7762 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7763 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7764 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7767 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7768 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7769 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7770 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7773 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7775 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7777 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7778 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7780 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7781 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7784 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7787 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
7790 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7791 gets out and goes into the office.
7792 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7793 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7794 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7796 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7797 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7799 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7800 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7802 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7803 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7804 "we're building a house".
7806 A pig is a jolly companion,
7807 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7808 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7809 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7810 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7811 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7812 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7813 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7814 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7815 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7817 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7818 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7820 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7821 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7823 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7824 referring to memory management system services.]
7826 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7829 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7830 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7833 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7835 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7837 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7838 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7839 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7840 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7841 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7842 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7844 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7845 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7846 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7847 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7848 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7850 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7852 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7853 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7856 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7859 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7861 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7862 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
7864 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7865 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7866 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7869 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7872 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7873 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7874 of yours to press against my heart.
7877 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7879 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7880 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7882 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7886 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7888 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7890 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7891 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7892 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7894 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7896 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7898 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7900 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7902 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7905 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7906 asks you not to kill him.
7907 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7909 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7910 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7912 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7914 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7915 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7916 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7917 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7918 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7919 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7920 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7921 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7922 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7924 A programming language is low level
7925 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7927 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7928 drink with -- even if he drank.
7931 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7932 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7933 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7934 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7935 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7936 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7937 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7938 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7939 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7940 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7942 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7943 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7946 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7947 your wife asks you for nothing.
7950 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7951 your wife will give you for free.
7953 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7954 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7955 was intended for her preservation.
7958 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7959 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7960 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7961 to make a travesty of the game.
7964 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7965 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7966 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7968 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7969 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7970 might be made an Archbishop."
7971 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7972 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7973 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7974 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7975 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7976 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7977 up from being the Pope?"
7978 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7979 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7981 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7982 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7985 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7986 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7989 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7991 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7992 his neighbor notice it.
7995 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7996 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7997 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7998 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7999 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8000 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8001 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8002 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8003 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8004 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8006 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8007 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8009 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8010 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8012 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8013 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8015 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8016 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8017 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8018 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8020 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8021 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8022 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8025 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8026 people what to do with their money.
8027 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8029 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8032 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8033 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8036 A robin redbreast in a cage
8037 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8040 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8041 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8042 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8044 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8046 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8048 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8051 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8052 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8053 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8054 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8057 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8058 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8059 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8060 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8061 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8062 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8063 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8064 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8065 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8066 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8067 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8068 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8069 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8070 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8071 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8073 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8074 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8075 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8076 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8077 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8078 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8079 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8080 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8081 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8083 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8084 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8085 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8087 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8089 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8090 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8091 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8093 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8094 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8095 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8098 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8100 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8101 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8102 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8103 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8104 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8105 the vocation must fit the individual.
8106 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8108 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8110 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8111 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8112 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8115 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8116 the vexation of thinking.
8117 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8119 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8120 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8121 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8122 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8124 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8125 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8127 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8129 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8130 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8134 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8137 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8138 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8139 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8140 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8141 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8142 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8143 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8144 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8145 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8146 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8147 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8148 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8149 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8151 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8152 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8153 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8154 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8155 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8156 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8157 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8158 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8159 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8160 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8161 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8162 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8163 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8165 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8168 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8171 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8172 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8173 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8176 I knew the language of the floweret;
8177 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8178 Love long has taken for his amulet
8181 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8182 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8183 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8185 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8187 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8190 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8192 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8194 A snake lurks in the grass.
8195 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8197 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8198 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8199 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8201 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8202 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8203 which is on its way out.
8206 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8209 A soft drink turneth away company.
8211 A song in time is worth a dime.
8213 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8214 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8215 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8216 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8217 "How are you?" they ask.
8218 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8219 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8220 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8221 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8222 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8224 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8225 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8226 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8227 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8229 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8230 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8231 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8232 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8234 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8236 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8238 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8241 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8242 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8243 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8244 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8246 A stitch in time saves nine.
8248 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8251 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8255 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8256 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8257 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8258 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8259 the student with a stick.
8261 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8263 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8265 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8266 undreamed of by its author.
8269 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8273 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8274 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8275 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8276 new versions of their own innards!
8279 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8280 -- by Charles Dickens
8282 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8284 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8287 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8289 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8290 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8292 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8295 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8297 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8298 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8300 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8301 -- by Charles Dickens
8303 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8304 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8307 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8308 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8310 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8311 feels guilty and apologizes.
8313 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8316 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8318 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8320 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8322 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8323 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8325 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8326 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8328 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8329 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8332 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8333 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8335 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8338 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8339 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8342 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8343 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8345 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8346 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8347 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8348 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8349 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8350 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8351 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8352 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8353 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8354 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8355 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8356 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8358 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8360 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8361 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8363 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8366 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8367 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8370 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8373 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8375 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8377 A truth that's told with bad intent
8378 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8381 A university is what a college becomes
8382 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8385 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8386 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8388 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8389 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8390 She found a good way
8391 To combine work and play:
8392 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8394 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8395 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8396 -- Tennessee Williams
8398 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8401 A very intelligent turtle
8402 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8403 The system, you see,
8404 Ran as slow as did he,
8405 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8407 A violent man will die a violent death.
8410 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8412 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8414 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8416 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8419 A watched clock never boils.
8421 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8422 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8424 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8426 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8427 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8428 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8429 Software rots if not used.
8431 These are great mysteries.
8432 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8434 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8437 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8438 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8440 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8441 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8443 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8446 A witty saying proves nothing.
8449 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8452 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8453 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8454 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8455 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8456 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8457 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8458 near your person at all times.
8459 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8461 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8462 were quite a struggle.
8465 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8467 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8468 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8469 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8471 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8474 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8475 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8478 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8479 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8482 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8483 thankful for a good one.
8484 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8486 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8490 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8491 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8494 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8498 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8499 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8500 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8501 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8503 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8506 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8507 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8508 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8509 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8510 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8511 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8512 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8513 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8515 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8516 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8517 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8519 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8520 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8522 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8524 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8527 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8528 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8530 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8531 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8533 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8535 A word to the wise is enough.
8536 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8538 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8539 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8540 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8541 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8542 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8543 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8544 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8546 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8547 what he writes fiction.
8550 A yawn is a silent shout.
8553 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8555 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8556 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8557 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8559 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8560 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8561 have that!" she gushed.
8562 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8563 window and grabbing the ring.
8564 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8565 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8566 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8568 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8569 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8570 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8572 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8573 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8574 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8575 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8576 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8577 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8578 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8579 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8580 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8581 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8582 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8583 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8584 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8585 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8586 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8587 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8588 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8589 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8590 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8591 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8594 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8596 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8597 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8598 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8599 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8600 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8601 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8603 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8605 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8606 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8608 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8610 Abbott's Admonitions:
8611 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8612 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8614 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8616 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8617 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8619 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8620 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8621 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8622 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8623 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8624 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8625 And to the presence in the room he said,
8626 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8627 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8628 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8629 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8630 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8631 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8632 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8633 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8634 It came again with a great wakening light,
8635 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8636 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8637 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8639 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8641 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8643 About the only thing we have left that actually
8644 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8646 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8649 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8650 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8651 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8653 Above all else - sky.
8655 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8657 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8660 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8661 and miss the return train.
8663 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8664 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8667 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8668 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8671 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8672 it enkindles the great.
8674 Absence makes the heart forget.
8676 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8678 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8681 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8683 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8686 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8690 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8691 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8692 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8694 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8698 A weak person who yields to the
8699 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8700 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8703 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8704 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8705 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8706 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8707 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8708 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8709 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8710 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8711 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8712 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8713 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8714 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8717 A statement or belief manifestly
8718 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8719 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8721 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8722 because the stakes are so low.
8725 Academicians care, that's who.
8728 A modern school where football is taught.
8730 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8732 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8734 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8737 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8739 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8740 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8742 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8745 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8746 but absence of body is better.
8747 -- Foolish Dictionary
8750 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8751 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8752 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8753 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8754 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8756 Accidents cause History.
8758 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8759 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8760 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8761 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8762 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8763 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8765 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8766 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8767 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8768 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8769 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8770 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8771 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8772 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8773 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8774 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8775 sheepish grin" comes from.
8777 According to all the latest reports,
8778 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8780 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8781 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8782 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8783 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8786 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8787 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8789 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8791 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8792 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8794 According to the latest official figures,
8795 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8797 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8800 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8801 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8802 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8803 beat up their city anytime.
8807 A bagpipe with pleats.
8810 The vice of being right
8812 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8814 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8817 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8818 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8819 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8820 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8822 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8824 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8825 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8826 well, I think of my sex life.
8831 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8832 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8833 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8834 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8835 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8836 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8837 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
8838 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8839 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8841 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8842 everyone glued in their seats!"
8843 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8846 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8847 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8848 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8849 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8851 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8853 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8854 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8855 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8857 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8859 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8860 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8862 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8863 only have one floor to go to.
8865 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8866 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8867 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8868 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8869 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8872 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8875 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8876 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8878 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8880 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8881 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8884 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8885 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8887 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8888 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
8890 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8891 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8892 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8893 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
8895 Adding sound to movies would be like
8896 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8897 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
8899 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8900 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8902 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8904 Adler's Distinction:
8905 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8906 and from the bureaucrats.
8909 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8913 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8915 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8920 To venerate expectantly.
8921 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8924 One old enough to know better.
8928 Advancement in position.
8930 Advertisements contain the only
8931 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8934 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8935 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8938 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8941 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8942 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8945 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8946 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8949 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8951 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8953 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8954 then at least be aseptic.
8956 African violet: Such worth is rare
8957 Apple blossom: Preference
8958 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8959 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8960 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
8961 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8962 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8963 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8967 Forget-me-not: True love
8969 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8970 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8971 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8972 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8973 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8974 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8975 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8976 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8977 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8978 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8980 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8981 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8982 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8983 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8984 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8985 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8986 especially that which is prohibited.
8987 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8988 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8990 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8991 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8992 more advanced than the lichen family.
8993 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8995 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8997 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8998 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8999 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9000 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9001 And presents aren't promises
9002 And you begin to accept your defeats
9003 With your head up and your eyes open,
9004 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9005 And you learn to build all your roads
9006 On today because tomorrow's ground
9007 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9008 A way of falling down in midflight,
9009 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9010 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9011 For someone to bring you flowers.
9012 And you learn that you really can endure...
9013 That you really are strong,
9014 And you really do have worth
9015 And you learn and learn
9016 With every goodbye you learn.
9017 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9019 After all, all he did was string together
9020 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9021 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9023 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9025 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9028 After all my erstwhile dear,
9029 My no longer cherished,
9030 Need we say it was not love,
9031 Just because it perished?
9032 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9034 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9035 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9036 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9039 After an instrument has been assembled,
9040 extra components will be found on the bench.
9042 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9043 month than you did before.
9045 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9046 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9047 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9048 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9049 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9050 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9051 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9052 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9053 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9054 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9055 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9056 that it sinks like a stone.
9057 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9059 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9060 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9061 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9062 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9063 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9064 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9065 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9066 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9067 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9068 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9069 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9070 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9071 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9073 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9074 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9075 cost to others, to win advancement.
9078 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9080 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9081 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9083 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9084 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9085 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9086 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9087 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9088 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9089 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9090 one foot in his mouth.)
9091 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9093 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9096 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9097 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9098 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9099 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9100 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9102 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9103 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9105 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9106 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9107 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9108 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9109 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9110 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9111 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9112 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9113 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9114 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9115 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9116 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9117 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9118 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9120 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9121 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9122 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9124 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9125 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9126 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9127 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9128 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9130 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9131 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9132 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9133 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9134 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9135 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9136 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9138 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9139 straight to the point.
9140 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9142 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9143 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9145 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9148 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9151 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9153 Against Idleness and Mischief
9155 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9156 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9157 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9158 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9160 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9161 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9162 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9163 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9164 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9166 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9167 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9169 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9171 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9174 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9175 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9178 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9179 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9180 enterprise to commit.
9181 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9184 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9186 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9188 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9189 Or what's a heaven for ?
9190 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9192 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9195 For all dreams are not equal,
9196 some exit to nightmare
9197 most end with the dreamer
9199 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9201 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9202 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9203 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9204 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9207 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9209 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9211 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9213 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9214 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9215 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9216 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9217 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9218 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9220 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9222 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9223 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9225 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9228 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9229 -- The Mad Dogtender
9231 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9232 bring me a message from a young man.
9235 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9237 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9240 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9241 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9243 Air is water with holes in it.
9246 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9247 the fattening of the poor.
9248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9250 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9252 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9253 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9254 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9256 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9257 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9259 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9260 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9261 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9262 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9264 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9265 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9267 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9268 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9273 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9274 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9275 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9276 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9279 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9280 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9281 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9282 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9283 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9286 Social innovations tend to the level
9287 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9289 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9290 The surest poison is time.
9291 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9293 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9294 -- George Bernard Shaw
9297 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9299 (2) Always be backlit.
9300 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9302 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9303 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9304 You take one down, and pass it around,
9305 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9307 Alex Haley was adopted!
9309 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9310 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9312 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9313 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9314 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9316 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9317 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9319 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9320 important programming language yet developed.
9324 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9326 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9328 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9329 them keeps paying for it.
9332 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9335 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9338 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9340 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9342 Alive without breath,
9344 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9345 All in mail ever clinking.
9347 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9349 All art is but imitation of nature.
9350 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9352 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9353 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9354 Catiline", by Sallust
9356 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9360 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9361 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9363 All constants are variables.
9365 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9368 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9370 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9375 Smoke a friend today.
9377 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9380 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9382 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9384 All Gods were immortal.
9385 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9387 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9390 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9392 All heiresses are beautiful.
9395 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9396 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9399 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9402 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9404 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9407 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9408 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9411 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9412 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9413 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9416 All I need to have a good time,
9417 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9418 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9419 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9421 All I want is to never grow old,
9422 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9423 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9424 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9426 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9427 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9428 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9429 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9430 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9432 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9433 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9435 All intelligent species own cats.
9437 All is fear in love and war.
9439 All is well that ends well.
9442 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9443 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9444 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9445 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9446 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9447 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9449 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9452 All laws are simulations of reality.
9455 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9458 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9462 All men have the right to wait in line.
9464 All men know the utility of useful things;
9465 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9468 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9469 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9470 To believe none so is something worse.
9471 -- John Quincy Adams
9473 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9474 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9477 All most people ask of life is a constant
9478 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9480 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9482 All my friends and I are crazy.
9483 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9485 All my friends are getting married,
9486 Yes, they're all growing old,
9487 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9488 They're all doing what they're told.
9490 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9494 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9496 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9497 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9499 All of the animals except man know that
9500 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9502 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9503 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9504 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9505 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9508 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9509 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9511 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9512 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9513 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9514 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9515 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9517 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9521 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9522 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9523 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9525 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9527 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9530 All phone calls are obscene.
9531 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9533 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9536 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9538 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9539 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9540 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9541 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9542 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9543 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9545 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9547 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9549 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9550 to live beyond its income.
9551 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9553 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9554 -- Ernest Rutherford
9556 All seems condemned in the long run
9557 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9560 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9563 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9565 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9567 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9569 All that is gold does not glitter,
9570 Not all those who wander are lost;
9571 The old that is strong does not wither,
9572 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9573 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9574 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9575 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9576 The crownless again shall be king.
9579 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9580 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9581 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9582 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9583 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9584 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9586 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9588 All the evidence concerning the universe
9589 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9591 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9592 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9593 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9594 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9596 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9597 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9598 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9599 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9601 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9602 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9603 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9604 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9606 I've read all the greats
9607 Both starving and fat,
9608 But none was as great as
9609 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9610 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9612 All the men on my staff can type.
9615 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9618 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9622 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9625 All the simple programs have been written.
9627 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9628 the government in less than a second.
9631 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9633 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9636 All the world's a VAX,
9637 And all the coders merely butchers;
9638 They have their exits and their entrails;
9639 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9640 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9641 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9642 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9643 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9644 Unwillingly to school.
9645 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9647 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9648 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9649 -- Richard P. Feynman
9651 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9653 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9655 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9656 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9658 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9659 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9662 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9664 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9665 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9667 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9668 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9672 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9673 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9674 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9676 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9678 All who joy would win Must share it --
9679 Happiness was born a twin.
9682 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9684 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9685 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9686 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9687 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9691 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9694 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9695 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9696 cannot separately plunder a third.
9697 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9699 All's well that ends.
9701 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9702 about today's software design would be accurate.
9707 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9709 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9710 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9712 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9713 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9714 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9715 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9716 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9717 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9719 caaa, n: An automobile.
9720 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9721 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9722 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9723 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9725 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9727 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9728 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9731 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9732 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9733 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9734 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9735 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9736 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9737 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9738 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9740 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9742 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9743 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9744 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9745 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9746 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9747 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9748 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9749 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9750 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9751 running the post office.
9752 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9754 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9755 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9756 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9757 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9758 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9759 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9760 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9761 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9762 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
9764 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
9766 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9768 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9771 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9773 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9775 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9778 Always store beer in a dark place.
9780 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9781 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9783 Always there remain portions of our heart
9784 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9786 Always think of something new; this
9787 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9790 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9793 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9796 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9797 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9800 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9801 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9804 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9805 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9808 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9810 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9814 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9815 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9816 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9818 America: born free and taxed to death.
9820 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9823 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9826 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9827 and the scum rises to the top.
9830 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9831 -- President John F. Kennedy
9833 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9834 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9835 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9836 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9837 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
9839 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9840 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9841 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9842 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9843 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9844 by the majority they were at the time.
9845 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9847 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9848 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9850 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9851 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9854 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9855 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9857 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9859 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9861 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9862 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9863 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9864 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9865 pictures on the doors.
9866 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9868 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9870 American cars are made shoddily...
9871 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9874 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9875 we allow them short of hanging.
9878 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9879 tail it knocks over a chair.
9882 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9883 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9886 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9888 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9889 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9890 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9892 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9894 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9897 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9898 and divide at the same time.
9900 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9901 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407
9903 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9905 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9906 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9908 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9911 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9912 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
9914 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9916 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9917 people refuse to see it.
9918 -- James Michener, "Space"
9920 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9921 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9922 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9923 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9925 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9928 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9931 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9932 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9933 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
9935 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9936 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9937 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9938 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9941 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9944 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9945 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9946 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9947 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9948 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9949 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9950 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9952 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9953 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9954 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9956 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9957 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9959 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9961 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9962 transportation everywhere."
9963 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9964 R: "We take the train."
9965 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9966 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9967 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9970 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9971 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9973 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9974 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9975 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9978 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9979 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9982 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9984 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9986 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9988 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9990 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9992 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9994 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9997 An attachment a la Plato
9998 for a bashful young potato
9999 or a, not too French, french bean
10000 must excite your languid spleen.
10001 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10002 with a poppy or lily
10003 in your medieval hand,
10004 every one will say,
10005 as you walk your flowery way;
10006 "If this young man is content,
10007 with a vegetable love
10008 which would certainly not content me.
10009 Why, what a very pure young man
10010 this pure young man must be!"
10011 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10012 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10014 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10015 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10016 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10017 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10018 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10019 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10021 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10022 really care to know.
10024 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10026 An economist is a man who would marry
10027 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10029 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10032 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10034 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10035 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10036 -- Winston Churchill
10038 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10039 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10042 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10043 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10044 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10045 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10046 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10047 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10048 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10049 I've already paid them half of it."
10050 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10051 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10053 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10055 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10056 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10057 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10058 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10059 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10060 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10061 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10062 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10063 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10064 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10066 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10068 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10069 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10070 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10071 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10073 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10076 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10078 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10079 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10080 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10081 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10082 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10085 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10086 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10087 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10088 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10089 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10090 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10091 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10092 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10093 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10094 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10095 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10096 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10098 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10100 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10104 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10108 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10109 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10110 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10112 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10113 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10115 An eye in a blue face
10116 Saw an eye in a green face.
10117 "That eye is like this eye"
10118 Said the first eye,
10120 Not in high place."
10122 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10123 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10124 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10125 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10126 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10127 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10128 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10129 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10130 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10131 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10132 He let go by the things of yesterday
10133 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10134 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10135 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10136 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10137 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10138 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10139 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10140 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10141 Was he to study till his head wend round
10142 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10143 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10144 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10145 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10147 [well, almost. Ed.]
10149 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10152 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10153 bought they stay bought.
10156 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10157 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10159 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10160 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10162 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10164 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10166 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10169 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10171 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10172 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10175 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10178 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10179 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10180 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10181 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10182 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10183 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10185 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10186 -- Benjamin Franklin
10188 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10189 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10190 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10191 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10192 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10193 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10194 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10195 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10196 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10197 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10198 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10199 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10200 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10201 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10204 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10207 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10208 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10210 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10212 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10215 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10218 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10220 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10223 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10224 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10225 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10226 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10227 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10228 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10229 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10231 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10232 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10233 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10234 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10235 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10236 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10238 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10239 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10240 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10241 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10242 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10243 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10244 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10246 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10247 Let our chant fill the void
10248 That others may know
10250 In the land of the night
10251 The ship of the sun
10254 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10256 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10257 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10258 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10259 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10260 And did the Countenance Divine
10261 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10262 And was Jerusalem builded here
10263 Among these dark satanic mills?
10265 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10266 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10267 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10268 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10269 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10270 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10271 Till we have built Jerusalem
10272 In England's green and pleasant land.
10273 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10275 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10277 And ever has it been known that
10278 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10281 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10282 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10283 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10284 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10285 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10286 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10287 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10288 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10289 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10290 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10291 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10292 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10293 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10294 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10295 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10296 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10297 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10299 And here I wait so patiently
10300 Waiting to find out what price
10301 You have to pay to get out of
10302 Going thru all of these things twice
10303 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10305 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10307 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10308 As they strolled out of sight,
10309 "Merry Christmas to all --
10310 You take credit cards, right?"
10311 -- "Outsiders" comic
10313 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10314 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10315 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10316 them, aren't braced against them.
10317 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10319 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10320 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10321 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10322 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10324 And if California slides into the ocean,
10325 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10326 I predict this motel will be standing,
10327 Until I've paid my bill.
10328 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10330 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10331 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10335 As I am heading for the sink.
10336 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10337 Along with half of my last drink.
10339 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10340 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10343 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10344 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10347 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10350 And miles to go before I sleep.
10352 And now for something completely the same.
10354 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10355 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10356 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10357 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10359 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10360 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10361 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10362 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10364 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10365 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10366 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10367 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10369 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10370 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10371 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10372 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10375 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10377 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10379 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10381 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10384 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10385 Mama'd come to school
10386 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10387 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10388 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10389 but you know yourself
10390 it's always somewhere else
10391 I'd build me a castle
10392 with dragons and kings
10393 and I'd ride off with them
10394 As I stood by my window
10395 and looked out on those
10397 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10399 And so it was, later,
10400 As the miller told his tale,
10401 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10402 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10405 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10406 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10407 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10408 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10409 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10410 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10411 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10412 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10413 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10415 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10417 And that's the way it is...
10420 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10421 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10422 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10423 clothes! He is naked!"
10424 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10426 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10427 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10428 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10429 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10430 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10431 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10433 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10434 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10435 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10437 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10438 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10440 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10441 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10442 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10443 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10444 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10446 And this is good old Boston,
10447 The home of the bean and the cod,
10448 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10449 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10451 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10452 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10454 And we heard him exclaim
10455 As he started to roam:
10456 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10457 please don't try this at home!'"
10460 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10461 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10462 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10463 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10464 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10465 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10466 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10467 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10468 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10469 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10470 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10471 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10472 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10473 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10475 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10476 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10477 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10478 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10479 -- The Grateful Dead
10481 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10482 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10483 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10484 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10485 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10486 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10489 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10490 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10491 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10492 face, we have politics.
10493 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10494 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10496 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10497 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10499 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10500 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10501 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10503 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10505 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10506 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10507 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10509 Andrea's Admonition:
10510 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10511 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10512 it isn't and he can.
10517 Angels we have heard on High
10518 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10521 Anger is momentary madness.
10524 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10526 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10527 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10530 Ankh if you love Isis.
10532 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10534 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10536 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10537 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10538 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10539 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10540 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10543 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10545 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10547 Another day, another dollar.
10548 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10549 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10552 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10554 Another megabytes the dust.
10556 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10557 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10558 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10559 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10560 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10562 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10565 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10568 Anthony's Law of Force:
10569 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10571 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10572 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10573 corner of the workshop.
10576 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10579 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10580 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10582 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10585 Was tired of living alonio
10586 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10587 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10588 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10590 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10592 Said if you will be my ownio
10593 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10594 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10595 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10597 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10599 Uttered a dismal moanio
10600 And went off and hid
10601 Or I'm told that he did
10602 In the Antartical Zonio.
10605 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10607 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10608 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10609 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10610 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10611 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10612 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10613 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10614 cars across Europe.
10616 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10617 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10619 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10622 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10623 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10624 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10625 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10626 Is there a better way to die?
10627 -- Charles Lindbergh
10629 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10630 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10631 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10632 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10633 -- Richard Schickel
10635 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10638 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10639 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10641 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10642 wise person to be able to sell it.
10644 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10648 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10652 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10654 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10656 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10657 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10658 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10659 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10663 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10665 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10666 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10667 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10668 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10669 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10671 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10672 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10674 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10675 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10676 be deemed to be a cat.
10677 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10679 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10680 -- Sydney J. Harris
10682 Any president should have the right to shoot
10683 at least two people a year without explanation.
10684 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10686 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10689 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10693 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10695 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10697 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10698 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10699 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10700 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10702 Any small object that is accidentally
10703 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10705 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10706 exactly the point of most pressure.
10709 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10712 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10714 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10715 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10717 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10718 given proper legal counsel.
10719 -- Alfred Perlstein
10721 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10724 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10725 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10727 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10729 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10730 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10733 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10734 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10737 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10738 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10740 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10742 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10743 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10744 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10747 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10748 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10751 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10754 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10757 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10758 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10759 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10760 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10761 thought on every occasion.
10762 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10764 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10766 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10767 extremely humble opinion.
10771 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10772 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10773 make messes in the house.
10774 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10776 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10779 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10780 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10782 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10785 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10786 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10787 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10788 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10789 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10791 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10792 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10795 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10796 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10797 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10799 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10800 account be allowed to do the job.
10801 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10803 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10804 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10805 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10806 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10808 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10811 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10812 tried taking candy from a baby.
10815 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10818 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10820 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10822 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10824 Anything is possible on paper.
10827 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10829 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10830 The label means the price went up.
10831 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10832 means the price went way up.
10834 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10836 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10837 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10838 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10840 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10842 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10843 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10844 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10845 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10846 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10847 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10848 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10849 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10850 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10852 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10853 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10855 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10858 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10859 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10862 A concise, clever statement.
10864 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10865 -- James Alexander Thom
10867 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10869 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10870 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10872 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10874 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10875 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10878 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10879 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10882 Appearances often are deceiving.
10886 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10889 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10890 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10892 April is the cruelest month...
10893 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10895 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10896 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10897 faucet on and off with your toes.
10898 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10900 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10901 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10902 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10903 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10904 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10906 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10907 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10908 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10909 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10910 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10912 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10913 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10914 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10915 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10916 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10917 able to lend you a few bucks.
10919 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10920 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10921 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10922 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10923 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10924 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10927 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10928 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10929 general can be said."
10931 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10932 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10936 Are we running light with overbyte?
10939 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10940 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10941 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10944 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10945 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10947 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10948 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10949 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10950 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10951 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10952 Don't you know any better?
10953 How could you be so stupid?
10954 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10955 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10956 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10958 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10959 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10961 Do as I say, not as I do.
10962 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10963 What did you do *this* time?
10964 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10965 When I was your age...
10966 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10967 Think of all the starving children in India.
10968 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10969 I'm going to kill you.
10971 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10973 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10974 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10976 Go away. You bother me.
10977 Why? Because life is unfair.
10978 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10979 Children should be seen and not heard.
10980 You'll be the death of me.
10981 You'll understand when you're older.
10983 Wipe that smile off your face.
10984 I don't believe you.
10985 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10988 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10989 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10991 Good children always obey.
10992 Quit acting so childish.
10994 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10995 Why do you have to know so much?
10996 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10997 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10998 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11000 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11002 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11003 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11005 When are you going to grow up?
11006 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11007 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11009 What's wrong with you?
11010 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11011 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11012 Don't you have any sense at all?
11013 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11014 Why? Because I said so.
11015 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11017 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11018 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11020 You wouldn't understand.
11021 You ask too many questions.
11022 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11023 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11024 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11026 You're acting too big for your britches.
11027 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11028 Wait till your father gets home.
11029 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11030 Shape up or ship out.
11034 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11036 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11038 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11039 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11041 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11042 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11045 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11046 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11048 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11049 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11050 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11053 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11054 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11055 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11056 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11059 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11060 the world's developed countries.
11062 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11066 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11068 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11069 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11074 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11076 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11077 If the check is truly in the mail,
11078 it is surely made out to someone else.
11081 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11083 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11084 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11085 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11086 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11089 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11090 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11091 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11092 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11094 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11095 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11096 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11097 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11099 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11100 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11102 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11103 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11104 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11105 piece would be better known as:
11106 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11108 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11109 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11110 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11112 Art is a jealous mistress.
11113 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11115 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11118 Art is anything you can get away with.
11119 -- Marshall McLuhan
11121 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11124 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11127 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11128 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11130 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11132 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11133 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11134 remind them of someone else.
11135 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11136 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11137 of yourself in person.
11140 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11141 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11142 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11143 Article the Fourth:
11144 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11145 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11146 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11148 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11149 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11150 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11151 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11152 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11154 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11155 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11158 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11160 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11162 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11163 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11164 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11165 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11166 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11168 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11169 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11170 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11173 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11174 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11175 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11177 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11178 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11179 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11180 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11182 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11183 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11184 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11185 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11187 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11188 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11190 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11191 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11192 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11195 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11196 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11199 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11202 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11203 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11205 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11206 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11207 -- Frederic Reynolds
11209 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11210 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11213 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11215 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11218 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11219 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11220 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11221 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11222 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11223 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11224 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11225 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11226 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11229 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11230 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11233 As I thought, no better from this side.
11236 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11237 Feeling worse and worser,
11238 There I met a C.R.T.
11239 And it drop't me a cursor.
11242 Phosphors light on you!
11243 If I had fifty hours a day
11244 I'd spend them all at you.
11245 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11247 As I was passing Project MAC,
11248 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11249 Every hack had seven bugs;
11250 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11251 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11252 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11253 How many losses at Project MAC?
11255 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11256 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11257 The words were torn and tattered,
11258 From the storm the night before,
11259 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11261 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11262 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11263 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11264 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11266 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11267 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11268 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11269 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11271 As in certain cults it is possible to
11272 kill a process if you know its true name.
11273 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11275 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11276 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11277 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11278 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11279 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11280 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11281 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11282 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11283 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11284 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11285 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11286 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11287 on the austerity of the word.
11288 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11290 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11291 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11292 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11293 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11295 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11297 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11299 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11300 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11301 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11303 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11304 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11305 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11307 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11308 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11309 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11311 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11313 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11314 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11315 3. Some people never look at me.
11316 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11317 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11318 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11319 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11320 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11321 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11322 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11323 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11324 12. I cannot read or write.
11325 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11326 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11327 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11328 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11329 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11330 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11331 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11332 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11334 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11335 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11336 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11338 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11340 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11341 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11343 4. I like mannish children.
11344 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11345 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11346 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11347 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11348 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11349 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11350 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11352 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11353 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11354 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11355 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11356 16. My eyes are always cold.
11357 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11358 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11359 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11360 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11362 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11363 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11364 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11365 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11366 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11367 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11368 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11369 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11370 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11372 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11373 Please update your programs.
11375 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11376 Please update your programs.
11378 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11380 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11381 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11383 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11385 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11386 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11387 Keywords: C sources
11390 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11391 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11392 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11393 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11395 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11396 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11397 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11400 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11401 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11402 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11403 conversion to a new computer system.
11405 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11406 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11407 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11408 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11409 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11411 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11412 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11413 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11414 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11416 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11418 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11419 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11422 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11423 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11424 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11425 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11426 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11427 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11428 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11430 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11431 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11432 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11434 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11435 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11436 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11437 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11439 -- Benjamin Franklin
11441 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11442 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11444 As Will Rogers would have said,
11445 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11447 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11448 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11449 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11450 proper time for chocolate.
11451 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11453 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11454 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11457 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11458 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11459 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11460 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11461 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11462 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11463 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11464 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11465 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11466 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11467 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11468 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11469 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11472 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11473 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11474 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11475 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11476 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11477 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11478 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11479 spider is suing you for damages.
11481 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11482 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11484 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11487 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11488 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11489 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11493 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11495 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11497 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11498 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11500 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11501 one went to Harvard).
11502 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11504 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11505 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11508 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11510 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11511 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11513 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11516 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11519 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11520 -- John Stuart Mill
11522 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11523 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11524 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11525 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11526 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11527 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11528 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11529 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11530 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11531 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11532 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11533 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11534 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11535 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11536 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11537 -- Garrison Keillor
11539 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11540 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11541 -- Christopher Hampton
11544 The masculine of "lass".
11546 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11547 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11550 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11551 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11552 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11553 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11556 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11558 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11559 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11561 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11562 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11563 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11564 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11565 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11566 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11567 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11568 a computer problem?"
11569 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11570 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11571 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11572 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11573 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11574 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11575 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11577 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11579 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11580 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11581 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11582 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11584 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11585 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11586 ignorance upon the shore.
11589 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11590 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11591 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11592 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11594 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11595 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11596 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11597 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11598 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11599 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11600 function as a normal person.
11602 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11603 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11608 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11609 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11610 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11612 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11614 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11615 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11616 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11618 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11619 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11622 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11625 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11627 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11628 thumb with a hammer.
11629 -- Marshall Lumsden
11631 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11632 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11633 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11634 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11635 after fact and reason.
11638 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11639 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11642 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11643 and no further activities are scheduled.
11645 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11646 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11647 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11648 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11650 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11651 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11652 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11653 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11654 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11655 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11656 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11658 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11660 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11661 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11662 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11663 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11664 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11665 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11666 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11667 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11669 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11670 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11671 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11672 guess who's going to die soon!"
11674 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11675 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11677 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11678 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11680 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11681 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11684 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11685 number of pens that person is carrying.
11687 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11690 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11692 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11695 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11696 -- Winston Churchill
11698 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11699 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11703 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11704 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11705 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11706 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11707 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11708 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11711 A gyp off the old block.
11713 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11717 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11719 Auribus teneo lupum.
11720 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11723 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11725 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11726 depths they were once able to plumb.
11729 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11730 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11733 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11738 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11740 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11741 They're a dime a dozen.
11743 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11745 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11746 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11748 Avoid reality at all costs.
11750 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11751 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11752 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11754 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11756 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11757 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11758 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11759 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11761 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11762 bad fiction contest.
11765 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11766 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11767 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11770 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11773 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11775 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11776 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11777 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11778 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11779 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11780 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11781 Business before pleasure."
11783 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11784 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11785 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11786 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11787 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11788 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11789 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11790 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11791 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11792 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11793 never really caught on.
11795 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11796 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11798 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11799 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11801 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11803 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11805 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11806 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11810 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11811 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11812 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11813 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11814 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11817 Bagdikian's Observation:
11818 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11819 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11821 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11822 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11824 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11825 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11826 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11831 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11835 Fear of being buried alive.
11844 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11846 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11848 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11849 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11850 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11853 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11854 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11856 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11859 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11861 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11862 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11863 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11864 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11865 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11867 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11868 floor -- especially in the dark.
11871 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11874 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11875 what kind of weather we are having.
11876 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11878 Barth's Distinction:
11879 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11880 types, and those who don't.
11882 Baruch's Observation:
11883 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11885 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11888 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11891 Basic Definitions of Science:
11892 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11893 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11894 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11896 Basic is a high level languish.
11897 APL is a high level anguish.
11899 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11901 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11905 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11906 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11908 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11909 come in and sink my boats.
11913 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11914 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11915 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11917 Batteries not included.
11920 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11921 will not yield to the tongue.
11922 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11924 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11925 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11927 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11929 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11931 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11932 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11934 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11936 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11939 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11941 Be careful! Is it classified?
11943 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11945 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11946 situations that can't bear inspection.
11948 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11951 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11952 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11954 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11956 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11959 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11961 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11962 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11964 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11965 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11968 Be different: conform.
11970 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11971 the issue afterwards.
11973 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11974 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11976 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11979 Insult a rich relative today.
11981 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11982 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11984 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11987 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11988 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11990 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11992 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11993 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11995 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11996 and original in your work.
11999 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12001 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12004 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12006 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12008 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12009 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12013 In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
12014 from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
12015 In war: where soldiers die.
12017 Beam me up, Scotty!
12019 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12021 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12023 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12026 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12028 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12030 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12032 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12035 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12036 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12039 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12043 Because I do not hope,
12044 Because I do not hope to survive
12045 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12046 Because I do, only do,
12050 Because the wine remembers.
12052 Because we don't think about future generations,
12053 they will never forget us.
12057 What did you bring back for me?
12059 Been Transferred Lately?
12061 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12063 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12065 Bees are very busy souls
12066 They have no time for birth controls
12067 And that is why in times like these
12068 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12070 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12071 -- Addison H. Hallock
12073 Before destruction a man's heart is
12074 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12077 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12078 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12079 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12080 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12081 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12085 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12087 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12088 they are "Let's eat out."
12090 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12091 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12093 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12095 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12097 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12098 you really want to know the answers.
12099 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12101 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12102 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12106 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12107 you won't have to watch commercials.
12109 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12110 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12112 Beggars should be no choosers.
12115 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12117 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12119 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12121 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12122 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12123 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12127 Behold the unborn foetus and
12128 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12129 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12130 An enemy civilian).
12132 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12133 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12135 Beifeld's Principle:
12136 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12137 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12138 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12139 looking and richer male friend.
12141 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12143 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12144 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12145 opposite applies with the judges.
12146 -- Beyond the Fringe
12148 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12149 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12152 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12153 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12154 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12155 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12156 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12158 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12159 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12160 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12161 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12163 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12165 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12166 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12168 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12169 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12172 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12173 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12176 Being owned by someone used to be called
12177 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12179 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12181 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12182 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12183 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12185 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12188 Something you do not believe.
12190 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12194 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12196 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12199 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12200 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12201 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12202 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12204 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12208 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12210 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12211 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12213 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12214 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12217 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12218 none of his friends like him either.
12221 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12222 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12223 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12224 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12225 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12226 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12227 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12228 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12229 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12230 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12231 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12232 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12233 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12234 "The test or the room?"
12235 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12236 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12237 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12238 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12239 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12241 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12244 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12245 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12246 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12248 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12250 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12252 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12253 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12255 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12258 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12259 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12260 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12261 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12264 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12265 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12267 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12268 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12269 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12270 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12271 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12272 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12273 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12274 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12276 Best Mistakes In Films
12277 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12278 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12280 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12281 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12282 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12283 with television aerials.
12284 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12285 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12287 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12288 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12289 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12291 Best of all is never to have been born.
12292 Second best is to die soon.
12295 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12296 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12297 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12299 Better by far you should forget and
12300 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12301 -- Christina Rossetti
12303 Better dead than mellow.
12305 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12306 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12308 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12310 Better late than never.
12311 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12313 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12318 santa claus <north pole >town
12320 cat /etc/passwd >list
12323 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12324 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12325 santa claus <north pole > town
12327 who | grep sleeping
12329 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12330 for (goodness sake) {
12334 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12335 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12336 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12338 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12340 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12341 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12343 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12345 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12348 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12349 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12350 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12351 pushing boulders into a single word.
12352 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12353 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12354 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12355 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12356 Parliament and Party.
12357 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12358 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12359 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12361 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12363 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12371 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12373 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12374 referring to system service dispatching.]
12376 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12378 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12380 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12382 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12384 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12385 a new wearer of clothes.
12386 -- Henry David Thoreau
12390 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12394 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12396 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12398 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12400 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12402 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12403 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12404 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12407 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12408 -- Leonard Brandwein
12410 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12411 drip under pressure.
12413 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12414 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12415 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12417 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12419 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12420 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12422 Beware the new TTY code!
12424 Beware the one behind you.
12427 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12429 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12430 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12431 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12432 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12434 Big book, big bore.
12437 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12438 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12441 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12443 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12446 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12448 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12449 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12451 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12452 generation to generation?
12454 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12457 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12459 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12460 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12461 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12464 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12466 Biology grows on you.
12468 Biology is the only science in which
12469 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12472 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12475 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12476 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12477 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12479 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12482 The first and direst of all disasters.
12483 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12485 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12487 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12488 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12489 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12490 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12491 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12492 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12493 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12496 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12497 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12498 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12501 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12502 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12503 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12507 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12510 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12512 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12514 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12515 are involved in when they burn stores.
12518 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12519 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12520 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12521 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12523 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12524 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12525 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12526 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12530 That's an empty wish.
12531 Just dump them together
12532 And leave them alone,
12533 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12534 -- To My Favorite Things
12536 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12537 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12538 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12539 She wants to hit those bricks,
12540 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12541 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12542 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12543 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12544 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12545 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12547 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12549 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12550 get the better even of their blunders.
12553 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12555 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12558 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12560 -- James Russell Lowell
12562 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12563 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12565 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12568 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12571 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12572 for he shall enjoy living.
12575 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12576 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12579 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12585 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12586 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12587 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12589 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12591 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12593 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12594 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12597 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12600 Blow it out your ear.
12603 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12606 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12608 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12610 Boling's postulate:
12611 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12613 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12614 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12615 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12617 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12618 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12620 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12621 seemed to come from Texas.
12622 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12624 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12627 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12629 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12632 You always find something in the last place you look.
12635 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12638 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12642 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12643 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12646 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12647 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12648 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12651 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12652 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12653 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12657 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12660 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12661 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12663 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12664 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12665 straightened out for a crowbar.
12668 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12669 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12670 on the same communications line connection.
12671 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12673 Boucher's Observation:
12674 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12675 several octaves higher than originally written.
12677 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12681 Talent goes where the action is.
12684 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12688 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12689 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12690 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12691 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12692 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12693 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12694 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12696 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12697 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12699 Boy, life takes a long time to live
12703 A noise with dirt on it.
12705 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12707 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12709 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12710 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12713 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12716 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12717 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12718 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12719 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12720 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12721 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12722 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12723 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12724 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12725 which is all the time.
12726 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12728 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12729 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12730 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12731 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12732 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12736 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12737 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12739 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12740 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12741 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12742 have handled this?"
12744 Brain fried -- core dumped
12747 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12748 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12750 Brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
12751 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12752 of error in an opponent.
12753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12755 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12756 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12758 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12759 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12760 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12761 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12763 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12764 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12765 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12766 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12767 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12768 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12769 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12770 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12771 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12772 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12773 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12774 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12775 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12776 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12778 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12781 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12784 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12786 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12787 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12788 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12790 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12791 Watch lights fade from every room.
12792 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12793 another day's useless energies spent.
12795 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12796 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12797 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12798 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12800 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12801 Removes the colors from our sight.
12802 Red is grey and yellow white.
12803 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12804 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12806 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12809 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12810 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12812 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12815 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12817 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12818 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12819 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12820 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12821 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12822 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12823 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12824 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12825 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12826 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12827 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12828 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12829 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12832 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12833 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12834 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12835 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12837 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12838 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12839 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12840 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12841 -- "The Jabberwock"
12843 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12844 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12846 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12847 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12848 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12849 brusque, your character.
12852 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12853 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12856 British Israelites:
12857 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12858 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12859 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12860 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12861 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12862 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12863 and take all your teeth.
12864 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12866 broad-mindedness, n:
12867 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12870 People tend to congregate in the back
12871 of the church and the front of the bus.
12874 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12876 Brontosaurus Principle:
12877 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12878 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12879 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12880 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12883 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12884 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12885 expands it beyond recognition.
12888 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12891 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12892 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12893 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12895 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12896 (of one of the two other meanings).
12897 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12898 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12899 reviews just done in his spirit.
12901 BS: You remind me of a man.
12903 BS: The man with the power.
12905 BS: The power of voodoo.
12909 BS: Remind me of a man.
12911 BS: The man with the power...
12912 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12915 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12916 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12918 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12921 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12924 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12925 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12928 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12932 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12933 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12934 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12935 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12938 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12941 Building translators is good clean fun.
12944 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12946 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12947 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12951 All the parts falling off this car are
12952 of the very finest British manufacture.
12954 Bunker's Admonition:
12955 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12958 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12959 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12960 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12962 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12963 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12964 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12965 12 months after the decision is made.
12968 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12971 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12975 A politician who has tenure.
12977 Burke's Postulates:
12978 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12979 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12981 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12982 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12984 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12985 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12986 perfectly balanced.
12987 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
12990 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12993 Bus error -- driver executed.
12995 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12997 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12999 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13000 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13001 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13003 Business will be either better or worse.
13006 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13008 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13011 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13012 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13014 But has any little atom,
13015 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13016 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13019 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13020 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13021 kill more than I could eat.
13024 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13026 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13027 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13028 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13029 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13030 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13032 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13033 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13034 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13035 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13036 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13037 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13038 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13039 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13040 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13041 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13042 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13043 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13045 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13047 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13048 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13049 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13051 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13052 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13053 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13055 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13060 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13062 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13063 In proving foresight may be vain:
13064 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13066 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13068 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13070 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13072 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13074 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13075 to the nearest gas station.
13077 But scientists, who ought to know
13078 Assure us that it must be so.
13079 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13080 What nobody is sure about.
13083 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13085 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13086 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13089 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13090 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13091 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13092 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13094 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13095 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13096 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13097 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13098 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13099 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13100 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13101 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13102 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13103 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13104 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13106 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13107 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13108 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13109 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13110 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13111 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13113 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13115 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13116 I've been taking them for years.
13118 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13119 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13120 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13121 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13122 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13123 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13125 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13128 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13129 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13131 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13132 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13133 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13134 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13136 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13137 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13138 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13139 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13140 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13141 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13142 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13143 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13144 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13145 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13146 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13147 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13148 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13149 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13152 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13154 By doing just a little every day, you can
13155 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13157 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13159 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13160 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13161 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13164 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13165 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13168 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13169 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13170 as it is to invent.
13172 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13173 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13174 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13175 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13177 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13178 -- Charles Spurgeon
13180 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13181 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13183 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13184 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13185 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13187 By the time you swear you're his,
13188 shivering and sighing
13189 and he vows his passion is
13190 infinite, undying --
13191 Lady, make a note of this:
13192 One of you is lying.
13193 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13195 By the yard, life is hard.
13196 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13198 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13199 Another man's, I mean.
13202 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13203 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13207 Believing Your Own Bull
13209 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13210 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13211 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13212 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13213 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13214 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13215 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13217 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13219 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13220 carefully print the chaff.
13231 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13233 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13234 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13235 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13238 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13239 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13240 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13245 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13247 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13249 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13250 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13253 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13254 is supposed to know is there.
13256 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13259 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13260 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13263 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13266 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13267 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13269 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13272 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13273 referring to logical names.]
13275 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13276 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13278 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13279 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13280 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13281 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13283 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13284 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13285 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13287 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13288 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13290 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13291 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13295 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13297 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13299 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13303 Can anyone remember when the times
13304 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13306 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13307 Yes, work never begun.
13309 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13310 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13311 -- Robert J. Ringer
13313 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13314 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13316 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13317 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13319 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13320 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13321 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13323 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13324 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13325 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13326 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13327 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13329 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13330 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13331 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13332 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13333 when you're poor and unhappy.
13335 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13336 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13337 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13338 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13339 recipients are Cancer people.
13342 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13343 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13344 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13345 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13346 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13347 fashion without thinking.
13348 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13349 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13350 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13352 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13353 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13354 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13356 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13358 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13360 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13361 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13362 -- John Maynard Keynes
13364 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13365 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13366 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13367 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13368 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13369 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13371 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13372 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13373 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13374 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13376 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13377 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13378 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13379 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13380 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13382 Captain Penny's Law:
13383 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13384 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13386 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13388 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13389 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13390 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13393 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13394 trousers that don't match.
13396 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13397 the name Craney incorrectly.
13400 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13401 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13402 the same can be said of dirt.
13404 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13405 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13406 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
13407 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13408 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13410 Carson's Consolation:
13411 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13412 It can always be used as a bad example.
13414 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13415 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13417 Carswell's Corollary:
13418 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13419 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13422 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13424 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13427 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13430 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13432 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13433 -- Garrison Keillor
13435 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13436 a sled through the snow.
13438 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13440 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13441 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13443 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13445 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13447 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13449 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13451 Cecil, you're my final hope
13452 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13453 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13454 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13455 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13456 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13457 What I don't understand is just why he
13458 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13459 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13460 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13461 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13462 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13463 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13464 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13465 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13466 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13468 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13470 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13471 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13472 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13473 -- Kelvin Throop III
13475 Census Taker to Housewife:
13476 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13478 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13480 cerebral atrophy, n:
13481 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13482 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13483 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13484 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13485 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13486 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13487 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13489 cerebral darwinism, n:
13490 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13491 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13492 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13493 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13494 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13495 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13496 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13497 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13499 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13500 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13501 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13504 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13505 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13507 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13508 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13509 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13510 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13511 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13512 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13513 others who have tried it.
13514 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13517 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13518 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13519 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13520 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13521 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13522 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13523 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13524 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13526 Certainly the game is rigged.
13527 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13528 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13530 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13531 But it's very funny --
13532 did you ever try buying them without money?
13535 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13537 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13538 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13540 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13543 Chairman of the Bored.
13545 Chamberlain's Laws:
13546 1: The big guys always win.
13547 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13549 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13552 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13554 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13557 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13559 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13561 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13562 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13563 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13564 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13565 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13566 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13567 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13570 character density, n.:
13571 The number of very weird people in the office.
13573 Character is what you are in the dark!
13574 -- Lord John Whorfin
13577 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13579 Charity begins at home.
13580 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13582 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13583 Linus: To make others happy.
13584 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13586 Charlie was a chemist,
13587 But Charlie is no more.
13588 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13590 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13591 without having asked any clear question.
13593 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13595 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13596 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13599 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13600 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13602 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13604 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13605 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13608 Any cook who swears in French.
13611 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13612 the next time he's in need.
13615 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13617 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13619 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13621 Chemistry is applied theology.
13622 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13624 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13627 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13631 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13634 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13636 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13637 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13638 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13639 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13641 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13642 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13643 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13644 cheerfully baste you.
13645 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13647 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13648 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13650 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13652 Chicken Little was right.
13655 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13656 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13657 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13658 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13660 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13661 shivers when it's warm.
13663 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13664 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13666 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13667 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13669 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13670 going to catch you in next.
13671 -- Franklin P. Jones
13673 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13674 And that's what parents were created for.
13677 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13678 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13681 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13682 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13684 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13685 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13687 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13689 Chism's Law of Completion:
13690 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13691 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13693 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13694 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13696 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13697 Roger the thief has a
13700 Folks who are reading are
13702 Always Forgetting to
13703 Guard their own bac ...
13707 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13708 a friend if she were a man.
13712 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13713 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13714 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13715 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13716 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13717 And we begged her not to go.
13718 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13719 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13720 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13721 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13722 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13723 He's been taking this so well.
13724 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13725 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13726 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13727 They should never give a license,
13728 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13730 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13733 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
13735 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13737 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13738 -- George Bernard Shaw
13740 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13741 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13742 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13743 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13745 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13746 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13747 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13748 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13750 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13751 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13752 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13753 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13754 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13755 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13756 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13757 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13758 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13761 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13762 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13763 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13766 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13770 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13771 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13772 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13774 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13777 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13780 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13781 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13783 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13787 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13788 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13790 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13792 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13793 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13796 Clarke's Conclusion:
13797 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13799 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13800 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13803 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13804 leading the parade.
13807 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13808 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13811 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13813 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13814 the walk before it stops snowing.
13817 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13820 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13823 Where their last tornado did six
13824 million dollars worth of improvements.
13826 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13829 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13831 Climate and Surgery
13832 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13833 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13834 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13835 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13836 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13837 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13838 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13840 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13841 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13843 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13844 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13845 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13846 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13847 please?" it asked the bartender.
13848 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13849 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13850 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13853 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13854 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13855 is a clone of our product."
13857 Clones are people two.
13859 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13861 Clothes make the man.
13862 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13865 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13866 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13867 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13868 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13870 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13871 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13872 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13874 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13875 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13876 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13878 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13879 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13880 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13882 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13883 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13884 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13886 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13887 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13888 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13890 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13891 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13892 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13894 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13895 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13896 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13898 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13899 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13900 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13902 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13903 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13904 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13905 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13906 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13907 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13909 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13910 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13911 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13913 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13914 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13915 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13917 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13918 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13919 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13920 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13923 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13926 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13928 COBOL is for morons.
13929 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13931 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13933 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13936 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13937 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13939 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13940 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13941 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13943 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13947 There is no bottom to worse.
13950 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13951 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13952 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13955 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13958 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13959 -- G. K. Chesterton
13962 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
13965 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13968 Cold hands, no gloves.
13971 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13974 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13975 other fellow can spell.
13978 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13980 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13981 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13982 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13983 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13988 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13990 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13992 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13994 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13995 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13996 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13997 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13998 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13999 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14000 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14001 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14002 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14003 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14005 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14006 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14007 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14008 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14009 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14010 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14011 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14013 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14014 All probabilities are 50%.
14015 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14017 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14018 This is especially true when
14019 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14021 Grelb's Commentary:
14022 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14024 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14025 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14026 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14027 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14028 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14030 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14031 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14032 The bird of time has but a little way
14033 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14037 -- George McGovern, 1972
14039 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14040 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14041 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14043 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14044 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14045 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14046 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14047 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14049 Come live with me, and be my love,
14050 And we will some new pleasures prove
14051 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14052 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14055 Come live with me and be my love,
14056 And we will some new pleasures prove
14057 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14058 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14059 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14060 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14062 You live with me, and I with you,
14063 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14064 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14065 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14067 And everything we will confess;
14068 Yes, even to the IRS.
14069 Some day on what we both may earn,
14070 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14071 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14072 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14073 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14074 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14076 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14077 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14079 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14080 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14083 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14084 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14085 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14086 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14087 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14088 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14089 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14090 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14091 Wherever in your sightless substances
14092 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14093 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14094 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14095 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14096 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14099 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14101 Coming to Stores Near You:
14103 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14105 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14106 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14107 I'm Not Misbehaving
14109 And A Whole Lot More...
14111 Coming together is a beginning;
14112 keeping together is progress;
14113 working together is success.
14116 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14117 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14119 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14120 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14123 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14124 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14127 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14128 decide that nothing can be done.
14132 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14133 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14134 stamps you as being wise.
14135 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14137 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14138 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14139 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14141 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14142 be appointed to do the work.
14144 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14145 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14148 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14151 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14154 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14155 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14158 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14159 1) No action is without side-effects.
14160 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14161 3) There is no free lunch.
14163 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14165 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14166 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14169 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14170 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14171 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14172 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14173 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14174 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14175 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14178 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14179 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14182 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14183 is in the eye of the beholder.
14184 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14186 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14187 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14192 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14195 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14198 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14199 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14200 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14203 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14204 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14205 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14207 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14209 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14211 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14214 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14215 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14216 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14217 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14218 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14219 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14220 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14222 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14224 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14226 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14227 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14230 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14232 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14233 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14236 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14239 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14240 the world that just don't add up.
14242 Computers don't actually think.
14243 You just think they think.
14246 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14247 than the estimate the job will cost.
14249 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14250 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14253 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14256 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14257 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14258 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14260 Condense soup, not books!
14263 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14264 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14265 he's already decided to do.
14267 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14268 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14271 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14273 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14274 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14277 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14279 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14281 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14282 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14283 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14285 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14286 fall flat on your face.
14289 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14291 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14292 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14294 Conflicting research paradigms
14295 Have legitimized various crimes.
14296 The worst we can see
14298 Measuring reaction times.
14300 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14302 Confucius say too damn much!
14304 Confucius say too much.
14305 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14307 Confusion will be my epitaph
14308 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14309 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14310 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14311 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14313 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14314 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14317 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14318 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14319 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14320 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14321 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14322 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14323 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14324 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14325 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14326 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14327 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14328 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14329 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14331 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14333 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14338 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14339 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14340 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14341 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14342 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14345 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14346 nameless to the development team after releasing
14347 the second version of their product.
14349 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14351 Mathematician's Proof:
14352 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14353 odd numbers are prime.
14355 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14356 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14358 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14359 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14360 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14361 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14363 Connector Conspiracy, n:
14364 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14365 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14366 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14367 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14368 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14371 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14373 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14374 governing that is hard.
14375 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14377 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14380 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14383 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14384 when everything else feels great.
14386 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14387 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14389 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14393 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14394 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14395 never admitted to in the first place.
14397 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14398 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14401 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14402 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14403 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14405 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14406 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14408 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14409 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14411 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14412 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14413 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14414 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14416 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14417 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14418 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14420 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14421 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14425 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14426 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14427 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14428 Calculator, Will Travel.
14431 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14434 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14435 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14436 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14437 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14441 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14442 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14444 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14445 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14448 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14450 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14451 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14452 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14453 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14454 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14455 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14457 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14458 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14459 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14461 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14462 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
14464 Convention is the ruler of all.
14467 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14468 but solitude is the school of genius.
14471 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14472 is called the listener.
14475 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14478 This person must be fired.
14480 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14482 -- Raymond Chandler
14485 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14486 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14487 interested in reading them.
14490 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14491 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
14493 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14495 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14499 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14501 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14502 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14506 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14507 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14508 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14511 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14513 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14514 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14515 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14516 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14517 being easier to stake.
14519 Counting in binary is just like counting
14520 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14523 Counting in octal is just like counting
14524 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14527 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14529 Courage is grace under pressure.
14531 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14534 Courage is your greatest present need.
14537 A place where they dispense with justice.
14540 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14541 -- William Congreve
14544 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14545 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14547 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14548 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14549 -- Wernher von Braun
14551 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14553 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14554 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14555 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14556 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14557 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14558 between adequacy and excellence.
14560 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14561 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14562 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14563 say it was obvious all along.
14564 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14566 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14568 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14569 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14571 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14575 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14577 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14578 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14579 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14580 regardless of your formal duties.
14582 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14586 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14588 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14590 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14593 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14594 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14597 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14598 -- Socrates' last words
14601 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14604 The amount of work done varies inversely
14605 with the time spent in the office.
14607 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14610 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14611 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14612 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14613 much work has already been done on it.
14615 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14617 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14621 Cthulhu for President!
14622 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14624 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14626 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14628 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14632 One whose program will not run.
14637 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14639 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14641 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14642 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14643 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14644 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14645 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14646 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14647 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14648 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14649 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14650 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14651 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14652 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14653 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14657 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14658 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14659 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14660 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14662 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14664 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14665 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14668 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14672 Cutler Webster's Law:
14673 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14674 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14676 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14677 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14678 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
14685 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14686 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14687 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14688 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14691 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14694 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14695 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14698 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14701 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14702 it lacks is a decent editor
14705 The city that chose Astroturf to
14706 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14708 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
14710 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14712 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14715 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14717 Damn, I need a Coke!
14718 -- Dr. William DeVries
14719 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14721 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14724 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14726 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14729 The watchdog barkin'
14733 Slip in his window.
14735 Then his house I start to wreck
14740 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14741 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14743 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14744 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14747 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14748 -- Princess Leia Organa
14750 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14753 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14756 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14757 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14759 Data is not information;
14760 Information is not knowledge;
14761 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14764 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14765 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14767 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14769 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14770 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14771 * Hourly motel rates
14772 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14773 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14774 like some countries we could mention
14775 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14776 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14777 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14779 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14780 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14781 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14782 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14783 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14784 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14785 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14786 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14787 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14788 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14789 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14790 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14791 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14793 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14794 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14795 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14798 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14801 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14802 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14804 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14806 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14807 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14810 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14812 Dealing with failure is easy:
14813 Work hard to improve.
14814 Success is also easy to handle:
14815 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14817 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14818 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14822 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14826 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14827 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14828 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14829 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14830 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14831 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14832 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14833 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14835 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14838 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14839 summarize. What should I do?
14843 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14844 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14845 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14846 summarizing a vote.
14847 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14850 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14855 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14856 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14857 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14859 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14862 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14867 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14868 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14869 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14870 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14871 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14872 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14875 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14876 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14877 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14878 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14879 -- A Concerned Citizen
14882 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14883 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14884 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14885 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14886 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14888 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14889 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14890 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14891 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14892 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14893 they are always interested in good stories.
14896 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14897 to. How about an example?
14901 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14902 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14903 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14904 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14905 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14906 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14907 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14908 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14909 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14910 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14911 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14912 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14913 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14914 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14915 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14916 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14917 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14918 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14921 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14926 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14927 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14929 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14930 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14931 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14932 about the signature anyway.
14933 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14935 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14939 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14940 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14941 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14942 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14943 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14945 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14948 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14949 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14950 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14951 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14954 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14955 the other hand", again.
14957 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14961 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14962 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14963 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14966 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14967 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14968 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14969 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14972 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
14976 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
14980 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14981 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14982 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14983 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14984 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14985 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14986 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14989 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14990 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14991 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14992 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14993 before making your attack.
14995 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
14996 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
14997 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
14998 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
14999 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15000 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15001 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15002 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15003 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15004 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15008 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15010 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15012 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15013 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15014 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15015 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15016 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15017 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15018 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15021 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15026 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15027 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15028 posting it. All others please ignore."
15029 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15030 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15031 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15032 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15033 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15034 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15035 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15036 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15037 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15038 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15039 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15040 so post it as many places as you can.
15041 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15044 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15045 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15046 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15047 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15048 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15050 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15052 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15054 Death before dishonor.
15055 But neither before breakfast.
15057 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15058 He lurks in every flower;
15059 Each season has its own disease,
15060 Its peril -- every hour.
15063 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15065 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15066 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15069 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15071 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15074 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15076 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15078 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15080 Death is only a state of mind.
15082 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15084 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15086 Death to all fanatics!
15089 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15091 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15093 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15094 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15096 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15099 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15100 erra, n: A mistake.
15101 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15102 Linder, n: A female name.
15103 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15104 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15105 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15106 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15107 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15108 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15109 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15110 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15112 Decision maker, n.:
15113 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15114 before the music stopped.
15116 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15117 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15118 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15119 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15120 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15121 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15123 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15124 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15126 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15127 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15130 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15131 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15132 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15133 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15137 The hardware's, of course.
15140 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15141 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15142 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15143 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15145 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15148 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15149 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15150 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15151 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15153 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15155 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15157 Hardware is what you kick;
15158 Software is what you curse.
15160 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15163 (cond ((null c) () )
15165 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15167 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15169 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15171 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15172 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15173 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15174 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15175 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15176 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15178 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15179 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15182 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15183 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15184 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15185 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15186 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15188 Delay is preferable to error.
15189 -- Thomas Jefferson
15191 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15192 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15194 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15195 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15197 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15198 referring to I/O system services.]
15200 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15201 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15202 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15203 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15204 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15205 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15206 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15207 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15208 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15209 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15211 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15212 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15213 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15215 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15218 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15220 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15222 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15224 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15225 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15226 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15227 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15228 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15229 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15230 steroid-free fitness center.
15231 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15233 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15234 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15235 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15237 Demand the establishment of the government
15238 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15240 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15241 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15243 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15244 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15246 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15248 -- George Bernard Shaw
15250 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15251 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15254 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15255 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15256 -- George Bernard Shaw
15258 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15261 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15262 will get the blame.
15263 -- Laurence J. Peter
15265 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15266 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15269 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15270 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15272 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15273 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15275 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15276 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15279 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15280 deserve to get it good and hard.
15281 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15283 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15284 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15285 -- Winston Churchill
15288 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15289 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15290 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15291 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15292 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15293 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15294 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15295 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15299 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15302 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15303 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15304 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15305 -- Charles Bukowski
15307 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15308 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15310 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15311 The remainder is thrown out.
15313 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15315 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15316 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15318 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15319 windows by Democrats.
15320 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15322 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15323 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15325 Dental health is next to mental health.
15328 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15329 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15330 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15333 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15335 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15337 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15339 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15341 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15342 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15345 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15347 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15348 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15351 What you regret not doing later on.
15353 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15354 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15356 Despising machines to a man,
15357 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15358 And ride out by night
15359 In a sheeting of white
15360 To lynch all the robots they can.
15361 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15363 Despite all appearances, your boss
15364 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15366 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15367 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15369 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15371 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15372 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15373 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15375 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15378 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15379 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15381 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15382 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15385 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15386 Some do, some don't.
15388 Did I say 2? I lied.
15390 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15391 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15393 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15394 has already been born?
15397 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15398 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15401 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15403 Did you hear about the model who sat
15404 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15406 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15407 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15409 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15411 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15416 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15417 only recaptured 116 of them?
15420 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15422 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15425 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15426 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15427 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15429 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15432 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15433 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15434 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15435 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15437 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15439 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15440 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15441 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15442 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15443 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15444 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15446 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15449 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15452 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15453 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15455 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15456 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15458 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15463 Did you know the University of Iowa
15464 closed down after someone stole the book?
15468 That no-one ever reads these things?
15470 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15471 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15472 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15473 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15476 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
15478 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15479 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15480 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15483 To stop sinning suddenly.
15486 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15487 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15489 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15491 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15493 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15496 Dignity is like a flag.
15497 It flaps in a storm.
15502 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15503 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15504 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15506 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15508 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15509 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15510 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15513 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15515 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15516 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15518 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15519 asked him, after a few days.
15520 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15522 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15523 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15524 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15526 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15529 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15532 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15538 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15542 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15543 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15546 As distinguished from some other bar.
15548 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15550 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15551 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15552 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15553 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15554 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15555 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15556 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15557 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15559 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15564 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15565 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15567 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15569 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15571 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15574 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15577 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15579 Disks travel in packs.
15581 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15582 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15584 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15585 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15588 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15591 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15592 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15594 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15595 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15596 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15598 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15599 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15600 -- Lord Chesterfield
15602 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15604 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15607 Do clones have navels?
15609 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15612 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15614 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15616 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15618 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15620 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
15622 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15624 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15627 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15628 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15629 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15630 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15631 of them ever committed suicide.
15632 -- Henry David Thoreau
15634 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15635 Their tastes may not be the same.
15636 -- George Bernard Shaw
15638 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15640 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15643 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15645 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15648 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15649 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15651 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15652 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15654 Do not overtax your powers.
15656 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15657 Violators will be prosecuted.
15658 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15660 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15661 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15662 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15664 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15666 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15668 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15670 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15671 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15674 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15676 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15678 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15680 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15682 Do not worry about which side your
15683 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15685 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15687 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15689 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15691 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15693 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15695 Do unto others before they undo you.
15697 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15699 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15700 -- Aleister Crowley
15702 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15703 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15705 Do you believe in intuition?
15706 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15708 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15709 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15710 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15711 Can you see your neck?
15712 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15713 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15714 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15715 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15718 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15720 Do you have lysdexia?
15722 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15724 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15725 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15726 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15727 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15728 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15729 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15733 Do you know Montana?
15735 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15736 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15739 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15740 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15743 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15744 between Nixon and the White House.
15745 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15747 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15748 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15750 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15751 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15753 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15754 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15756 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15757 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15759 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15761 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15762 just whipped out a quarter?
15765 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15766 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15768 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15769 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15770 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15771 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15772 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15773 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15775 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15776 Do they like to shake their tails?
15777 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15778 Is your garden full of snails?
15780 Do your part to help preserve life on
15781 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15783 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15784 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15785 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15788 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15791 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15792 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15795 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15796 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15798 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15799 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15800 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15801 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15802 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15804 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15806 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15808 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15809 and the rest of us.
15811 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15813 Doing gets it done.
15816 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15818 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15819 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15820 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15821 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15822 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
15823 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15824 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15826 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15828 Don't abandon hope.
15829 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15831 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15834 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15835 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15836 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15837 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15839 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15842 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15844 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15846 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15848 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15850 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15852 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15855 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15857 Don't confuse things that need action
15858 with those that take care of themselves.
15860 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15862 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15863 -- Firesign Theatre
15865 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15867 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15870 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15871 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15873 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15875 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15876 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15878 Don't eat yellow snow.
15880 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15882 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15885 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15886 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15888 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15890 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15893 Don't get even, get odd.
15895 Don't get mad, get even.
15896 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15898 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15901 Don't get mad, get interest.
15903 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15905 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15906 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15909 Don't get to bragging.
15911 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15912 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15915 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15917 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15920 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15922 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15924 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15926 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15928 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15932 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15934 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15935 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15937 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15939 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15941 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15943 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15944 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15946 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15947 until you have hold of something else.
15948 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15950 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15951 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15952 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15953 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15954 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15955 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15956 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15958 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15960 Don't let your status become too quo!
15962 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15964 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15966 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15972 Your brains are in it.
15975 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15977 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15978 -- Scottish Proverb
15980 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15982 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15983 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15985 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15986 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15988 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15989 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15991 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15992 lock the door and throw away the key.
15994 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15996 Don't read everything you believe.
15998 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16000 Don't remember what you can infer.
16003 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16004 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16006 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16008 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16009 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16011 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16013 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16015 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16017 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16021 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16023 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16026 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16029 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16030 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16032 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16034 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16037 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16038 sodomy and the lash.
16039 -- Winston Churchill
16041 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16043 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16046 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16049 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16050 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16051 -- Watchman Examiner
16053 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16055 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16058 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16059 with my breakfast cereal.
16060 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16062 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16064 Don't wake me up too soon...
16065 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16068 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16069 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16071 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16073 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16075 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16077 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16078 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16081 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16082 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16085 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16088 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16089 you can always take something for it.
16091 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16092 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16094 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16096 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16098 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16099 want to help you could agree with each other?
16101 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16103 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16104 you through times of no dope.
16107 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16108 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16109 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16110 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16114 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16115 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16116 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16117 Control and meta, side by side,
16118 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16119 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16121 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16122 Had a couple of bits more!
16123 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16125 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16126 OR'd together, outta sight!
16127 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16128 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16129 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16130 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16131 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16132 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16134 double-blind Experiment, n:
16135 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16136 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16137 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16139 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16142 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16143 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16145 Down to the Banana Republics,
16146 Down to the tropical sun.
16147 Go the expatriated Americans,
16148 Hoping to find some fun.
16149 Some of them go for the sailing,
16150 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16151 Trying to find what is ailing,
16152 Living in the land of the free.
16153 Some of them are running from lovers,
16154 Leaving no forward address.
16155 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16156 Some are running from the IRS.
16157 Late at night you will find them,
16158 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16159 Hustling the senoritas,
16160 While they dance beneath the stars.
16161 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16163 Down with the categorical imperative!
16166 In a hierarchical organization,
16167 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16169 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16170 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16171 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16172 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16174 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16176 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16178 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16179 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16180 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16181 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16183 Here's how the diet works:
16186 First Month: One egg
16187 Second Month: A raisin
16188 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16190 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16191 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16193 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16196 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16198 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16199 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16200 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16202 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16204 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16206 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16208 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16209 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16210 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16212 Drilling for oil is boring.
16214 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16215 Love, the reeling midnight through
16216 For tomorrow we shall die!
16217 (But, alas, we never do.)
16218 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16220 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16222 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16223 instant motor skills.
16226 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16229 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16230 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16233 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16234 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16235 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16237 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16239 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16240 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16241 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16244 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16245 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16246 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16247 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16248 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16253 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16256 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16260 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16263 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16265 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16270 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16271 yourself as part of the problem.
16273 Ducharme's Precept:
16274 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16278 Ducks? What ducks??
16280 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16281 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16284 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16285 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16287 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16288 fate and captain of your soul.
16290 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16293 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16295 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16296 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16297 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16298 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16301 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16302 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16304 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16306 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16307 perform as president?"
16308 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16311 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16312 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16313 and fly your colors proudly.
16315 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16316 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16317 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16320 What one expects from others.
16323 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16324 nothing whatever to do with it.
16325 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16327 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16328 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16330 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16337 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16339 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16342 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16343 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16344 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16345 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16346 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16347 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16348 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16349 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16350 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16351 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16352 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16353 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16354 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16355 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16356 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16357 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16359 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16360 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16362 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16363 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16364 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16365 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16367 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16370 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16371 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16372 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16376 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16377 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16379 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16383 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16384 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16385 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16387 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16389 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16390 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16391 21st century aircraft:
16393 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16394 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16395 pilot if he touches anything.
16396 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16398 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16399 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16401 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16402 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16405 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16407 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16409 /earth: file system full.
16411 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16413 Earth is a beta site.
16415 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16418 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16419 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16420 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16421 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16422 means the puzzle is solved.
16423 -- Steve Rubenstein
16425 Easy come and easy go,
16426 some call me easy money,
16427 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16428 and sometimes it ain't funny
16429 You may think that I'm a fool
16430 and sometimes that is true,
16431 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16432 with or without you.
16435 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16436 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16438 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16440 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16442 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16444 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16445 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16447 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16449 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16451 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16453 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16455 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16456 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16459 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16460 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16462 Economies of scale:
16463 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16464 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16465 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16466 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16467 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16471 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16472 personality to become an accountant.
16474 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16475 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16478 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16479 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16480 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16482 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16485 Editing is a rewording activity.
16487 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16488 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16489 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16491 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16492 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16493 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16495 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16496 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16498 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16501 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16504 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16505 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16506 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16507 royal-blue chickens.
16508 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16510 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16511 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16513 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16516 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16517 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16518 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16519 the "nog" comes from.
16521 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16524 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16526 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16527 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16530 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16533 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16537 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16538 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16540 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16542 Ehrman's Commentary:
16543 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16544 2. Who said things would get better?
16546 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16547 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16550 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16551 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16555 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16556 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16559 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16560 armrest in a movie theatre.
16561 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16564 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16566 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16567 make the machine do some more.
16570 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16571 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16574 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16576 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16580 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16581 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16582 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16583 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16587 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16588 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16589 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16591 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16593 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16594 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16595 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16596 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16597 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16598 the faint of heart.
16599 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16600 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16603 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16604 children under eight years of age.
16606 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16609 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16611 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16615 A mouse built to government specifications.
16617 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16619 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16620 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16621 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16622 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16623 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16624 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16625 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16626 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16628 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16629 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16630 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16631 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16632 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16634 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16637 The feel of a kiss.
16639 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16641 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16642 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16645 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16647 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
16648 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16649 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16652 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16653 Son knows everything.
16655 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16656 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16657 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16658 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16660 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16661 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16662 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16664 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16666 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16667 And here, find rest.
16669 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16670 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16671 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16672 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16674 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16675 Science: "Why will this work?"
16676 Management: "When will this work?"
16677 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16679 English literature's performing flea.
16680 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16683 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16684 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16685 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16686 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16687 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16688 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16689 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16690 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16691 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16692 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16694 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16695 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16698 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16700 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16702 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16705 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16706 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16708 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16710 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16713 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16717 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16718 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16720 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16721 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16725 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16726 something his wife can beat him at.
16728 Equal bytes for women.
16730 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16731 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16733 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16734 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16736 Error in operator: add beer
16738 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16739 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16740 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16741 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16742 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
16744 Eschew obfuscation.
16746 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16747 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16749 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16751 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16754 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16757 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16758 fashion for those with no taste.
16761 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16762 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16763 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16764 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16768 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
16769 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16772 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16773 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16774 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16775 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16776 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16777 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16778 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16779 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16780 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16781 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16782 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16784 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16789 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16791 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16793 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16795 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16796 And says his prayers at night
16797 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16798 And the moon is full and bright.
16799 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16801 Even God cannot change the past.
16804 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16807 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16808 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16811 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16814 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16817 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16818 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16819 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16820 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16821 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16822 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16823 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16824 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16825 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16826 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16827 A fairer summer and a later fall
16828 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16829 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16830 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16831 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16832 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16834 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16836 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16837 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16839 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16840 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16843 Events are not affected, they develop.
16846 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16848 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16849 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16851 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16852 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16855 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16856 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16858 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16859 Simple coincidence?
16862 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16863 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16864 We're big but bigger we will be,
16865 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16867 Our products now are known in every zone.
16868 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16869 We've fought our way thru
16870 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16871 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16872 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16874 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16875 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16876 Right here and now we thankfully
16877 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16878 To the corporation that's the best of all
16879 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16880 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16881 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16882 Once or twice, then sing again
16883 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16884 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16886 Ever since I was a young boy,
16887 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16888 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16889 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16890 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16891 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16892 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16893 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16894 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16895 Sure sends a mean packet.
16896 He's a UNIX wizard,
16897 There has to be a twist.
16898 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16899 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16900 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16901 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16902 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16903 The proper bit flags set,
16904 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16905 Sure sends a mean packet.
16908 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16909 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16910 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16911 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16912 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16913 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16914 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16915 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16917 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16919 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16921 Because newspapers are read too.
16922 Two and Two is four.
16923 Four and four is eight.
16924 Eight and four is twelve.
16925 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16926 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16927 Queen Mary was a ship.
16928 Ships sail the sea.
16929 There are fishes in the sea.
16931 The Fins fought the Russians.
16933 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16934 Therefore fire engines are red.
16936 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16937 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16938 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16939 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
16940 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16941 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16942 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16943 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16944 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16945 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16946 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16947 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16948 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16949 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16950 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16952 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16953 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16955 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16959 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16961 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16962 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16964 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16965 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16967 Every country has the government it deserves.
16968 -- Joseph De Maistre
16970 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16972 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
16974 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16977 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16979 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
16980 woman and stop her.
16982 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
16983 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
16984 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
16985 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
16986 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
16987 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
16989 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16990 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16991 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16992 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16993 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
16994 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
16995 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16996 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
16998 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17000 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17001 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17002 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17003 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17004 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17005 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17006 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17007 color"], that does not exist.
17009 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17010 -- Frank Moore Colby
17012 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17014 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17017 Every love's the love before
17019 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17021 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
17023 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17024 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17025 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17026 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17027 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17028 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17029 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17030 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17031 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17032 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17033 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17035 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17036 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17038 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17039 of vision for the limits of the world.
17042 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17043 and powerful know that he is.
17044 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17046 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17047 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17048 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17049 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17050 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17051 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17052 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17054 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17055 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17058 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
17059 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
17062 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17063 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17064 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17065 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17066 up, you'd better be running.
17068 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17070 Every night my prayers I say,
17071 And get my dinner every day;
17072 And every day that I've been good,
17073 I get an orange after food.
17074 The child that is not clean and neat,
17075 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17076 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17077 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17078 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17080 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17082 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17084 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17085 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17086 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17087 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17088 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17090 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17091 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17094 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17095 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17096 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17097 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17099 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17100 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17101 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17104 Every path has its puddle.
17106 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17107 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17108 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17110 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17111 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17112 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17114 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17115 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17117 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17119 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17121 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17122 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17124 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17125 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17128 Every solution breeds new problems.
17130 Every successful person has had failures
17131 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17133 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17136 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17138 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17140 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17142 Every time you manage to close the door on
17143 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17145 Every why hath a wherefore.
17146 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17148 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17151 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17155 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17156 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17157 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17158 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17159 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17160 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17161 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17162 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17163 you're fired. As of right now."
17164 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17165 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17166 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17167 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17170 Everybody has something to conceal.
17173 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17174 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17176 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17179 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17180 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17181 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17182 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17184 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17185 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17188 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17189 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17191 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17192 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17193 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17194 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17196 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17197 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17198 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17199 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17200 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17202 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17205 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17206 stop hacking and fall in love!
17208 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17210 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17211 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17213 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17215 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17217 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17220 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17222 Everyone is in the best seat.
17225 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17228 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17229 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17230 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17231 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17232 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17233 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17234 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17235 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17236 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17238 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17240 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17242 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17246 Everyone was born right-handed.
17247 Only the greatest overcome it.
17249 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17250 1. They want it quick.
17251 2. They want it good.
17252 3. They want it cheap.
17253 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17254 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17256 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17258 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17260 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17262 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17264 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17265 -- Alexander Woollcott
17267 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17268 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17270 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17271 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17273 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17274 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17276 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17277 that a belch is more satisfying.
17280 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17281 something you know.
17282 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17283 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17285 Everything might be different in the present
17286 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17288 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17289 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17291 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17293 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17296 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17299 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17300 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17302 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17304 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17306 Everything you know is wrong!
17308 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17309 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17312 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17313 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17314 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17315 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17317 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17319 Everything's great in this good old world;
17320 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17321 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17322 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17323 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17324 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17325 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17326 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17327 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17329 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17330 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17331 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17332 -- Flannery O'Connor
17334 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17335 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17336 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17338 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17340 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17341 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17344 Evolution is a million line computer
17345 program falling into place by accident.
17347 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17348 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17349 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17350 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17351 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17352 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17353 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17354 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17356 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17357 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17360 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17361 It is the only thing.
17362 -- Albert Schweitzer
17364 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17365 Spike the office water cooler.
17367 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17369 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17371 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17373 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17376 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17377 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17379 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17380 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17382 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17385 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17386 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17387 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17389 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17390 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17391 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17393 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17395 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17397 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17400 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17404 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17406 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17408 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17409 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17411 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17413 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17415 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17417 Expedience is the best teacher.
17419 Expense accounts, n:
17420 Corporate food stamps.
17422 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17423 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17425 Experience is not what happens to you;
17426 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17429 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17430 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17433 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17434 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17436 Experience is what causes a person
17437 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17439 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17441 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17442 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17443 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17445 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17448 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17452 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17454 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17456 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17457 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17458 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17459 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17460 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17461 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17462 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17463 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17464 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17465 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17466 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17467 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17468 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17469 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17471 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17472 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17473 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17474 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17475 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17476 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17477 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17478 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17479 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17480 offer more plausible alternatives.
17481 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17482 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17484 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17485 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17487 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17488 of justice is no virtue.
17491 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17492 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17493 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17494 On the poison they're exuding.
17495 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17497 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17499 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17501 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17503 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17505 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17507 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17510 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17512 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17515 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17518 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17519 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17520 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17521 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17522 doesn't even shout at me."
17523 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17524 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17525 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17526 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17527 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17528 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17529 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17530 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17531 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17532 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17533 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17534 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17536 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17538 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17539 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17542 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17544 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17546 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17547 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17548 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17549 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17551 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17552 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17554 Faith is under the left nipple.
17558 That quality which enables us to
17559 believe what we know to be untrue.
17562 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17563 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17564 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17567 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17568 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17569 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17570 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17571 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17572 good idea to check with your doctor.
17575 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17576 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17578 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17580 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17582 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17583 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17586 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17587 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17590 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17592 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17594 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17597 Families, when a child is born
17598 Want it to be intelligent.
17599 I, through intelligence,
17600 Having wrecked my whole life,
17601 Only hope the baby will prove
17602 Ignorant and stupid.
17603 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17604 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17608 Conspicuously miserable.
17609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17614 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17615 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17616 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17617 4: We won't need reservations.
17618 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17619 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17620 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17621 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17623 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17624 forgotten your aim.
17625 -- George Santayana
17627 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17628 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17630 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17631 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17632 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17633 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17634 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17635 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17636 was the Empire forged.
17637 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17639 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17641 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17642 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17643 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17644 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17645 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17646 are a pretty neat idea ...
17647 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17649 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17650 stressful than divorce.
17651 -- Wall Street Journal
17653 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17654 it every six months.
17657 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17660 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17662 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17665 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17668 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17670 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17672 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17673 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17675 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17677 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17678 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17679 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17682 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17684 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17685 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17687 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17691 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17692 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17693 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17694 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17695 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17697 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17698 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17701 Feel disillusioned?
17702 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17704 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17707 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17708 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
17709 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17710 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17711 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17712 A singular development of cat communications
17713 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17714 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17715 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17716 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17717 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17718 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17719 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17720 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17721 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17722 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17723 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17725 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17726 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17727 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17728 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
17729 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17730 yours to the bottom of the list.
17732 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17733 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17734 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17735 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17736 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17737 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17738 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17740 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17743 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17746 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17747 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17748 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17750 Ferguson's Precept:
17751 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17753 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17754 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17756 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17757 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17758 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17759 basic difference between robots and humans?
17760 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17761 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17762 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17764 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17768 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17770 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17771 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17772 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17773 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17774 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17776 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17777 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17779 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17781 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17782 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17783 there is nothing important to do.
17785 Fifty flippant frogs
17786 Walked by on flippered feet
17787 And with their slime they made the time
17790 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17794 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17797 Throwing your wait around.
17799 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17800 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17803 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17805 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17806 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17808 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17809 No matter what results are expected,
17810 someone is always willing to fake it.
17812 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17813 No matter what the result someone
17814 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17816 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17817 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17818 it happened according to his pet theory.
17820 Finagle's First Law:
17821 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17823 Finagle's First Law:
17824 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17826 Finagle's Second Law:
17827 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17829 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17830 Once a job is fouled up,
17831 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17833 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17834 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17836 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17837 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17839 Finagle's Second Law:
17840 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17841 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17842 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17844 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17845 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17847 Finagle's Third Law:
17848 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17849 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17852 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17853 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17854 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17857 Perfection is finality.
17858 Nothing is perfect.
17859 There are lumps in it.
17861 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17863 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17865 Fine day for friends.
17868 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17870 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17873 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17875 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17877 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17879 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17882 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17885 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17887 First, a few words about tools.
17889 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17890 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17891 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17892 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17893 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17894 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17895 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17897 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17898 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17901 First Law of Bicycling:
17902 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17904 First law of debate:
17905 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17907 First Law of Procrastination:
17908 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17909 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17910 imposed the deadline).
17912 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17913 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17915 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17916 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17917 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17919 First Rule of History:
17920 History doesn't repeat itself --
17921 historians merely repeat each other.
17923 First rule of public speaking.
17924 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17926 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17928 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17929 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17931 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17932 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17933 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17934 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17935 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17936 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17937 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17938 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17939 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17940 another phone booth.
17941 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17942 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17943 released it, too, in the scrub.
17944 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17945 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17946 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17947 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17948 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17950 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17952 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
17953 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
17955 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17956 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17957 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17958 trees to prove their manhood.
17962 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17963 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17965 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17968 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17971 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
17974 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
17975 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
17976 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
17977 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
17978 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
17979 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
17980 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17981 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
17982 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
17983 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
17984 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
17985 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
17986 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
17987 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
17988 Yes, and goin' insane,
17989 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
17990 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17992 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
17994 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
17995 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
17996 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
17997 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
17998 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
17999 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18000 Irish Political History".
18002 Five rules for eternal misery:
18003 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18004 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18005 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18006 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18007 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18008 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18009 things might become).
18010 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18011 follow the first four rules.
18017 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18018 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18020 Flappity, floppity, flip
18021 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18022 The strip revolved,
18023 The mouse dissolved
18024 In a chronodimensional skip.
18027 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18028 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18030 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18033 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18035 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18037 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18041 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18042 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18044 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18045 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18048 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18049 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18051 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18052 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18054 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18055 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18058 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18059 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18060 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18061 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18062 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18064 flowchart, n. & v.:
18065 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18066 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18067 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18068 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18069 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18070 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18071 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18072 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18073 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18074 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18075 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18076 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18079 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18080 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18082 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18084 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18085 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18087 Flying saucers on occasion
18088 Show themselves to human eyes.
18089 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18090 While they brand these tales as lies.
18093 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18094 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18095 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18097 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18098 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18099 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18100 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18102 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18103 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18105 Foolproof Operation:
18106 No provision for adjustment.
18108 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18110 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18111 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18113 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18114 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18115 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18117 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18120 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18122 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18124 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18126 For a light heart lives long.
18127 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18129 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18132 For adult education nothing beats children.
18134 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18135 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18136 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18137 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18138 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18139 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18140 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18141 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18143 For an adequate time call 555-3321
18145 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18146 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18148 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18151 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18153 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18154 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18156 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18159 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18160 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18163 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18167 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18170 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18171 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18174 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18175 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18176 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18177 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18178 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18179 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18180 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18181 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18183 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18185 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18189 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18198 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18200 For good, return good.
18201 For evil, return justice.
18203 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18204 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18206 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18207 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18208 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18210 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18211 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18212 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18213 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18214 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18215 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18216 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18219 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18221 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18222 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18225 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18226 get themselves filed.
18229 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18230 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18233 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18234 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18235 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18236 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18237 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18238 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18239 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18240 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18241 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18242 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18243 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18244 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18246 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18247 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18248 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18249 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18250 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18252 For people who like that kind of book,
18253 that is the kind of book they will like.
18255 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18256 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18257 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18260 Parachute. Used once.
18261 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18263 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18264 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18265 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18267 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18269 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18270 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18271 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18274 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18275 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18277 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18279 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18280 referring to system overview.]
18283 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18284 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18287 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18289 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18290 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18292 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18293 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18294 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18296 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18297 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18299 For they starve the frightened little child
18300 Till it weeps both night and day:
18301 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18302 And gibe the old and grey,
18303 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18304 And none a word may say.
18306 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18307 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18308 And the fetid breath of living Death
18309 Chokes up each grated screen,
18310 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18311 In Humanity's machine.
18313 And all men kill the thing they love,
18314 By all let this be heard,
18315 Some do it with a bitter look,
18316 Some with a flattering word,
18317 The coward does it with a kiss,
18318 The brave man with a sword.
18321 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18322 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18323 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18324 spend my evenings?"
18327 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18328 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18329 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18332 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18333 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18335 8 oz. shredded suet
18337 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18339 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18340 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18341 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18342 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18343 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18344 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18345 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18346 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18347 four to five hours.
18349 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18352 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18353 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18356 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18357 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18358 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18360 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18362 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18363 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18364 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18365 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18366 -- Justin Richardson
18368 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18370 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18373 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18374 "That definition's just."
18375 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18376 Remembering his pounded head:
18377 "Force is not might but must!"
18380 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18381 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18383 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18386 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18387 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18389 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18392 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18393 their destitution of conscience.
18395 Forgive and forget.
18399 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18402 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18403 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18406 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18409 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18411 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18415 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18416 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18418 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18420 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18421 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18424 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18427 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18430 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18431 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18432 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18433 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18435 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18436 probably for at least the next decade.
18439 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18441 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18442 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18443 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18444 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18445 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18446 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18447 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18448 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18449 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18452 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18455 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18457 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18458 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18459 my dissertation to rhyme.
18461 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18464 A: No, He's a mythter.
18466 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18468 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18470 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18473 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18474 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18475 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18478 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18479 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18480 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18481 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18485 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18486 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18489 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18492 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18493 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18495 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18496 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18497 she will get on with her life.
18498 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18499 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18500 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18501 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18502 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18503 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18504 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18505 these classes rarely prove effective.
18507 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18510 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18511 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18512 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18515 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18516 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18517 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18518 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18519 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18520 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18521 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18522 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18524 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18527 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18528 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18529 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18530 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18533 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18534 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18535 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18536 fixed without special tools".
18537 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18538 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18539 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18542 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18545 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18546 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18549 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18550 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18551 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18552 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18553 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18554 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18555 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18557 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18560 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18561 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18562 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18563 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18564 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18565 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18566 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18567 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18571 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18572 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18573 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18574 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18575 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18576 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18577 price their policies accordingly.
18578 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18579 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18582 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18585 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18586 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18587 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18588 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18591 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18592 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18593 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18594 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18595 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18596 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18598 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18601 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18602 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18603 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18604 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18607 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18608 looking, men kick cats.
18611 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18612 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18613 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18614 aware of some short people living in the house.
18616 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18619 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18620 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18621 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18622 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18623 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18624 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18627 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18628 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18629 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18630 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18633 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18634 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18635 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18637 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18640 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18641 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18642 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18643 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18644 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18645 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
18647 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18650 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18651 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18652 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18653 Boardwalk property.
18655 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18657 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18659 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18660 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18661 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18662 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18663 With Julie Christie.
18665 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18667 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18668 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18669 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18672 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18675 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18676 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18677 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18678 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18679 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18681 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18683 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18684 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18685 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18686 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18687 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18688 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18689 a glowing performance.
18691 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18693 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18694 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18695 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18696 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18698 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18700 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18701 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18702 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18703 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18704 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18707 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18709 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18710 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18711 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18712 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18714 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18715 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18716 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18717 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18718 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18720 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18722 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18724 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18725 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18726 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18728 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18730 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18731 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18732 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18733 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18734 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18735 as that in support of an affirmative.
18736 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18738 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18740 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18741 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18742 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18745 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18747 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18748 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18749 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18750 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18751 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18752 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18753 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18755 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18757 skilled oral communicator:
18758 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18759 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18761 skilled written communicator:
18762 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18763 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18766 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18767 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18768 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18770 key company figure:
18771 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18773 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18776 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18777 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18779 an excellent sounding board:
18780 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18781 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18783 a planner and organizer:
18784 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18785 animal tags on his clothing.
18787 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18789 has management potential:
18790 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18791 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18795 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18799 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18803 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18806 Fortune favors the lucky.
18808 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18810 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18812 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18814 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18815 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18816 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18818 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18820 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18821 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18822 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18824 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18826 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18829 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18831 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18834 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18836 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18838 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18840 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18841 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18843 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18845 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18847 fortune: No such file or directory
18852 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18854 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18855 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18856 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18857 renkontas. I've met.
18858 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18859 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18860 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18861 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18864 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18866 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18867 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18868 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18869 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18870 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18871 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18874 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18876 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18878 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18879 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18880 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18881 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18882 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18884 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18886 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18887 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18888 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18889 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18891 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18893 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18894 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18896 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18898 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18899 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18901 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18903 A: To be or not to be.
18904 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18906 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18908 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18909 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18911 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18913 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18914 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18916 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18918 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18919 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18921 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18923 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18924 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18926 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18928 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18929 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18931 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18933 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18934 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18936 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18940 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18941 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18942 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18943 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18945 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18946 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18947 make "heads or tails of all this"
18950 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18951 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18953 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18954 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18956 Oh, and have a nice day!
18957 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18959 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18961 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18962 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18965 Fortune's current rates:
18969 Answers requiring thought .50
18970 Correct answers $1.00
18972 Dumb looks are still free.
18974 Fortune's diet truths:
18975 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
18976 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
18977 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
18978 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
18979 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
18980 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
18981 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
18982 appealing as tepid beer.
18983 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
18984 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
18985 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
18987 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
18988 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
18989 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
18990 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
18993 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
18995 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
18996 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
18997 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
18998 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
18999 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19000 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19001 you twitter around in your chair.
19002 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
19003 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19004 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19005 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19006 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19007 followed by one throw-up.
19008 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19010 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19013 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19014 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19015 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19016 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19017 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19019 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19020 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19021 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19022 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19023 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19024 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19025 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19026 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19027 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19028 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19029 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19030 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19031 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19032 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19033 poothtick comes out crean.
19035 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19036 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19038 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19039 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19040 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19041 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19042 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19043 rather then a spotted one.
19044 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19045 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19046 legume-part of the pea family.
19047 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19049 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19050 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19051 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19053 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19054 Can you name the seven seas?
19055 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19056 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19057 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19058 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19060 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19061 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19063 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19065 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19066 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19067 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19069 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19070 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19071 at least once a year.
19073 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19075 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19076 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19078 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19079 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19080 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19081 ability in that particular field."
19083 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19085 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19086 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19088 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19089 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19091 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19092 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19093 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19094 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19096 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19098 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19099 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19101 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19103 Don't Write On Walls!
19107 You want I should type?
19109 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19112 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19113 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19115 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19117 if reality disappears?
19118 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19119 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19121 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19122 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19123 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19124 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19125 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19126 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19127 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19128 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19130 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19132 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19133 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19134 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19135 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19137 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19138 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19139 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19140 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19143 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19144 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19145 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19146 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19147 charges may have been reversed.
19149 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19151 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19152 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19153 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19154 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19155 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19156 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19157 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19159 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19160 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19161 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19162 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19163 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19164 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19165 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19167 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19169 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19171 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19172 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19173 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19174 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19175 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19176 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19177 single poem ever written."
19179 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19180 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19181 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19182 bungling and greed of President
19185 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19186 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19188 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19189 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19190 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19191 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19192 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19193 apply to female horses.
19195 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19196 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19197 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19198 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19199 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19201 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19202 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19203 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19204 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19205 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19206 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19208 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19209 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19211 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19213 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19215 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19217 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19218 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19219 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19220 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19222 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19224 Q: Are you married?
19225 A: No, I'm divorced.
19226 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19227 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19229 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19231 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19232 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19234 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19236 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19237 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19240 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19242 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19243 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19244 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19246 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19248 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19250 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19252 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19253 A: Picking them up in the air.
19254 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19255 A: Attached to the ears.
19257 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19259 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19260 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19261 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19262 him to the station?
19263 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19265 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19267 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19269 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19271 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19273 Q: What is your name?
19274 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19275 Q: And what is your marital status?
19278 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19280 Q: What happened then?
19281 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19283 Q: Did he kill you?
19286 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19288 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19289 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19290 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19291 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19292 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19293 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19294 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19295 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19296 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19297 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19298 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19300 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19301 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19302 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19304 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19306 Never goose a wolverine.
19308 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19310 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19312 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19314 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19315 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19317 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19318 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19320 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19321 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19323 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19324 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19325 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19327 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19328 tombstones, women and competitors.
19329 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19331 Four hours to bury the cat?
19332 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19334 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19335 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19336 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19337 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19339 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19340 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19341 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19344 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19345 study for that instructor's course.
19347 Fourth Law of Revision:
19348 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19349 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19352 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19353 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19356 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19359 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19362 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19363 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19365 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19366 -- A Yippie Proverb
19368 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19370 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19372 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19374 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19378 Did you know that successive security officers take
19379 control by beheading their predecessor?
19382 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19384 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19386 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19389 Freedom is slavery.
19390 Ignorance is strength.
19394 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19396 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19397 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19399 Fremen add life to spice!
19401 Fresco's Discovery:
19402 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19404 Friction is a drag.
19407 Increased automation of clerical function
19408 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19410 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19414 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19416 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19418 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19419 Let me clue you in;
19420 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19421 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19422 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19423 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19424 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19425 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19426 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19427 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19428 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19430 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19434 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19435 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19439 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19440 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19441 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19442 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19443 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19444 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19445 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19446 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19447 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19448 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19450 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19451 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19452 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19453 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19454 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19455 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19456 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19457 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19459 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19460 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19462 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19463 That is the point that must be reached.
19466 From a Tru64 patch description:
19468 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19470 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19471 Association, in Rome]:
19473 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19474 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19475 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19476 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19477 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19478 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19479 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19480 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19481 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19483 From dusk till dawn
19484 I gathered people and their crown
19485 Conquered the hearts of
19487 United the heads of
19489 When weaken your mind
19491 When tired of thinking
19493 My sons and descendants
19494 Don?t get exhausted in mind and thought and but get experienced.
19495 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
19497 From Italian tourist guide:
19499 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19500 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19502 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19504 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19507 From the crystal swirling waters,
19509 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19510 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19511 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19512 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19513 Your butt is on the menu
19514 And the check is in the mail.
19515 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19517 From the "Guinness Book of World Records", 1973:
19519 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19520 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19521 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19522 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19523 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19524 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19525 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19526 being nuts (unground)."
19528 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19529 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19530 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19532 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19535 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19536 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19537 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19538 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19539 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19540 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19541 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19543 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19544 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19545 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19547 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19549 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19550 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19551 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19552 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19553 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19554 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19555 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19557 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19559 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19560 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19561 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19562 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19563 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19565 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19566 systems program at JPL
19568 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19569 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19570 experience in sound:
19572 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19573 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19575 From too much love of living,
19576 From hope and fear set free,
19577 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19578 Whatever gods may be,
19579 That no life lives forever,
19580 That dead men rise up never,
19581 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19584 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
19585 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
19587 "Yes. They have more money."
19590 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19593 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19594 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19597 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19598 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19599 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19602 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19603 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19606 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19607 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19608 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19613 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19616 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19617 even when you are the only person in line.
19618 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19620 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19623 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19624 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19626 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19628 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19629 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
19631 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19632 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19633 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19634 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19635 that's your chance, my boy."
19637 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19640 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19641 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19642 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19644 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19647 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19648 stockings and desolating the country.
19649 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19651 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19652 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19653 -- Adventures of Asterix
19655 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19657 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19658 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19659 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19661 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19662 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19663 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19664 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19665 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19666 individuals and then grow ...
19667 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19668 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19669 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19670 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19671 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19672 think not, my friend, I think not.
19673 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19675 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19676 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19677 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19678 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19679 in it today, either.
19681 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19682 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
19683 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
19684 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
19687 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19688 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19689 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19690 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19691 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19694 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19695 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19697 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19700 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19701 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19702 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19704 General notions are generally wrong.
19705 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19707 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19708 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19710 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19714 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19716 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19717 and if you don't, why you should.
19720 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19721 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19722 all the right things to all the right people.
19724 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19727 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19728 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19733 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19735 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19737 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19741 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19745 Why he stays in the bottle.
19748 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19749 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19750 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19751 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19752 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19753 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19754 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19755 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19756 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19757 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19758 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19759 confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19760 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19761 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19762 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19763 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19764 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19765 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19766 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19767 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19768 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19769 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19770 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19771 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19774 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19775 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19776 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19779 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19782 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19783 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19784 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19786 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19787 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19788 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19790 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19791 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19793 George Orwell was an optimist.
19795 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19796 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19799 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19800 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19801 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19802 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19803 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19804 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19805 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19806 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19807 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19808 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19809 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19810 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19811 gonna get on Labor Day."
19813 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19814 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19815 "And he didn't understand me."
19817 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19818 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19819 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19820 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19821 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19822 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19824 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19826 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19829 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19831 Getting into trouble is easy.
19832 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19834 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19835 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19836 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19837 of the American Bar Association
19839 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19842 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19844 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19846 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19848 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19849 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19850 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19851 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19853 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19854 See them flying through the air (...)
19855 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19856 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19858 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19859 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19860 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19861 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19863 Gilbert's Discovery:
19864 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19865 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19867 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19868 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19869 the last whose realm was fair and free
19870 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19872 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19873 his shining helm afar was seen;
19874 the countless stars of heaven's field
19875 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19877 But long ago he rode away,
19878 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19879 for into darkness fell his star
19880 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19884 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19886 2. You can't break even.
19887 3. You can't even quit the game.
19889 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19891 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19892 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19895 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19896 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19897 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19900 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19901 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19903 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19905 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19906 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19908 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19909 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19912 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19913 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19915 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19917 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19918 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19920 Give him an evasive answer.
19922 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19923 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19925 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19926 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19928 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19930 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19933 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19936 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19938 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19939 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19940 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19941 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19944 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19945 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19946 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19947 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19948 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19949 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19951 Give thought to your reputation.
19952 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19956 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19958 Give your very best today.
19959 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19961 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19962 -- William Faulkner
19964 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19965 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19968 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19970 Given sufficient time, what you put
19971 off doing today will get done by itself.
19973 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19974 rather lie around. No contest.
19977 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19978 car keys to teenage boys.
19981 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19982 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19983 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19984 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19987 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
19988 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
19990 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
19991 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
19992 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
19993 some useful work done.
19995 Gloffing is a state of mine.
19997 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
19998 fifth of dry red wine
20000 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20004 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20005 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20007 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20008 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20009 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20010 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20011 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20012 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20013 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20014 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20015 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20019 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20021 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20023 Go ahead, make my day.
20024 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
20026 Go away, I'm all right.
20027 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20029 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20030 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20034 Go climb a gravity well.
20036 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20038 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20039 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20041 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20042 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20044 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20045 be in owning a piece thereof.
20046 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20048 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20049 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20052 Go to a movie tonight.
20053 Darkness becomes you.
20055 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20059 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20060 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20061 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20064 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20065 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20066 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20067 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20070 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20072 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20076 Darwin's chief rival.
20078 God created a few perfect heads.
20079 The rest he covered with hair.
20082 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20083 but many other things ceased as well.
20084 Woman was God's second mistake.
20087 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20088 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20090 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20091 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20094 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
20096 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20097 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20098 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20099 would he lie about a thing like that?
20100 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20102 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20104 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20105 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20107 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20108 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20109 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20110 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20111 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20112 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20113 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20114 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20116 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20117 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20118 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20120 God help those who do not help themselves.
20123 God helps them that helps themselves.
20126 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20128 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20129 but by pains and contradictions.
20132 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20134 God is a polytheist.
20143 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20146 God is love, but get it in writing.
20149 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20150 much less ambitious project.
20152 God is real, unless declared integer.
20154 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20155 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20159 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20162 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20164 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20167 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20169 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20172 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20174 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20177 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20179 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20181 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20182 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20183 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20184 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20185 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20186 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20189 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20190 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20191 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20192 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20193 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20194 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20197 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20198 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20199 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20200 Won't ruin your whole day.
20201 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20203 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20205 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20206 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20209 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20211 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20213 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20217 God votes Republican.
20219 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20223 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20224 somebody moves the ends.
20226 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20228 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20229 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20232 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20233 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20234 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20235 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20236 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20238 Goldenstern's Rules:
20239 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20240 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20242 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20243 eating before he bursts.
20246 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20249 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20250 (2) Time accelerates.
20251 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20253 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20254 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20256 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20258 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20261 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20263 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20264 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20266 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20268 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20271 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20273 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20275 Good advice is something a man gives
20276 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20277 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20279 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20281 Good day for business affairs.
20282 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20284 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20286 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20288 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20290 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20291 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20293 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20295 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20296 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20297 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20298 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20300 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20302 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20303 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20304 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20305 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20306 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20308 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20310 Good judgment comes from experience.
20311 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20314 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20316 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20317 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20318 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20320 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20322 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20324 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20326 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20328 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20330 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20333 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20336 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20339 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20340 -- George Saunders' dying words
20342 Goodbye, cool world.
20344 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20345 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20346 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20347 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20348 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20349 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20350 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20351 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20353 Gordon's first law:
20354 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20358 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20360 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20361 time travel, you never can tell."
20362 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20365 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20368 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20370 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20371 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20375 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20377 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20378 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20379 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20380 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20382 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20383 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20384 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20385 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20387 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20388 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20389 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20390 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20392 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20393 Everybody wants to have a home.
20394 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20395 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20396 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20399 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20402 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20403 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20407 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20408 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20409 leaving the best part.
20411 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20414 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20415 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20417 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20420 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20421 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20423 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20426 There is an exception to all laws.
20428 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20429 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20431 -- Princess Leia Organa
20434 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20436 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20438 Graduate students and most professors are
20439 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20441 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20443 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20444 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20445 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20447 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20448 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20450 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20452 Graphics blind the eyes.
20453 Audio files deafen the ear.
20454 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20455 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20456 Options wither the heart.
20458 The Guru observes the net
20459 but trusts his inner vision.
20460 He allows things to come and go.
20461 His heart is as open as the ether.
20464 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20466 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20470 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20472 Gravity brings me down.
20474 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20476 Gray's Law of Programming:
20477 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20478 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20480 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20481 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20483 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20486 Great American Axiom:
20487 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20489 Great minds run in great circles.
20491 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20493 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20494 place of residence.
20496 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20498 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20500 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20502 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20504 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20507 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20508 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20511 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20513 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20514 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20517 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20519 Green's Law of Debate:
20520 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20522 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20523 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20524 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20525 of half of Common Lisp.
20528 Eighty percent of all people consider
20529 themselves to be above average drivers.
20531 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20533 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20534 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20538 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20540 Grig (the navigator):
20541 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20545 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20547 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20548 Grig: That's the spirit!
20549 -- The Last Starfighter
20551 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20552 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20554 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20555 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20558 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20559 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20560 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20561 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20562 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20563 maybe, but not in the House."
20565 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20566 -- Maurice Chevalier
20568 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20569 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20570 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
20571 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
20572 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
20573 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
20574 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
20575 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
20576 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
20577 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
20578 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
20579 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
20580 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20583 Grub first, then ethics.
20587 A French chopping center.
20590 The probability of a given event
20591 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20593 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20595 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20596 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20597 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20598 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20599 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20602 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20603 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20604 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20607 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20608 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20609 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20612 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20615 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20616 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20617 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20618 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20619 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20620 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20621 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20622 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20624 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20625 Slice him up before he slays you.
20626 Nothing makes you look a slob
20627 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20628 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20630 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20631 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20632 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20634 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20635 Those who can -- do.
20636 Those who can't -- teach.
20638 Martin's Extension:
20639 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20641 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20644 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20645 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20646 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
20647 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20648 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20649 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20650 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20652 Hacker's Fight Song
20654 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20655 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20656 Never bungles, never shirks,
20657 Always gets his stuff to work!
20659 All take a drink (important!)
20661 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20663 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20664 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20665 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20666 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20667 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20668 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20669 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20670 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20671 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20672 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20673 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20674 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20675 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20677 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20678 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20679 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20680 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20681 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20682 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20683 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20686 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20687 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20689 Hackers of the world, unite!
20691 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20692 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20696 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20698 Had he and I but met
20699 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20700 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20701 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20702 And killed him in his place.
20703 I shot him dead because --
20704 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20705 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20706 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20707 No other reason why.
20708 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20709 You shoot a fellow down
20710 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20711 Or help to half-a-crown.
20714 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20715 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20716 -- Alfonso the Wise
20718 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20719 referring to operating system initialization.]
20721 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20722 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20724 Hail to the sun god
20725 He's such a fun god
20728 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20730 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20731 a big enough majority in any town?
20732 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20734 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20735 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20736 one of the following:
20737 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20740 (d) The letter you are answering.
20742 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20743 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20744 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20745 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20747 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
20749 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20751 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20752 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20755 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20756 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20757 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20758 difference between life and death.
20760 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20761 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20762 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20763 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20764 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20765 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20766 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20769 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20771 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20772 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20773 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20775 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20776 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20777 their own districts).
20780 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20781 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20782 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20785 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20787 handshaking protocol, n:
20788 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20789 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20790 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20792 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20796 The wrath of grapes.
20799 Never attribute to malice
20800 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20802 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20803 There are never enough hours in a day,
20804 but always too many days before Saturday.
20806 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20808 Happiness is a hard disk.
20810 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20812 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20815 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20818 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20820 Happiness is the greatest good.
20822 Happiness is twin floppies.
20824 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20826 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20829 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20832 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20834 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20837 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20839 Happy feast of the pig!
20841 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20844 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20847 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20850 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20852 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20853 -- Charlie McCarthy
20856 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20858 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20859 The Duke is fond of kittens
20860 He likes to take their insides out
20861 And use them for his mittens
20862 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
20864 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20865 Advertising wondrous things.
20868 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20869 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20872 Harp not on that string.
20873 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20875 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20876 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20877 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20879 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20880 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20881 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20883 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20884 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20885 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20886 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20887 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20888 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20889 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20890 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20891 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20892 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20894 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20895 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20896 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20897 hadn't been carving that pie."
20898 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20900 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20901 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20904 Harrison's Postulate:
20905 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20908 All the good ones are taken.
20910 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20911 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20912 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20913 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20914 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20915 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20916 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20917 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20918 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20919 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20920 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20921 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20922 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20923 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20924 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20927 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20928 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20929 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20930 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20931 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20932 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20933 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20934 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20935 just like Richard Nixon."
20936 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20938 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20939 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20940 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20941 with all that pep and vitality.
20943 Hartley's First Law:
20944 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20945 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20947 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
20948 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20951 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20954 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20955 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20956 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20960 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20961 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20962 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20963 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20965 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20966 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20967 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20968 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20969 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20973 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20974 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20975 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20976 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20977 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20979 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20981 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20983 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20984 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20985 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20986 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20987 but a lot harder than it appears.
20989 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
20990 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
20991 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
20992 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
20993 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
20994 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21000 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21002 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21003 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21005 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21006 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21008 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21011 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21012 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21016 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21018 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21020 Have a coke and a smile!
21025 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21027 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21028 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21034 Have an adequate day.
21038 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21041 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21042 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21043 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21045 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21046 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21047 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21049 Long live the revolution!
21052 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21053 seriously, for they will shape you.
21056 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21057 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21058 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21059 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21060 two-day-old cookbook?
21061 -- Richard Brautigan
21063 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21065 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21066 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21067 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21068 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21070 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21072 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21073 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21074 never find the time for play?
21076 Have you flogged your kid today?
21078 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21080 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21081 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21083 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21084 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21087 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21089 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21090 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21092 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21093 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21094 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21095 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21097 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21098 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21099 Let me take you by the hand
21100 Lead you through the streets of London
21101 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21103 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21104 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21105 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21106 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21108 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21109 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21110 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21111 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21112 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21113 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21115 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21116 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21117 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21118 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21119 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21121 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21122 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21123 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21124 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21125 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21126 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21128 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21129 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21130 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21131 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21132 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21133 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21134 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21136 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21138 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21141 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21144 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21145 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21147 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21150 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21151 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21152 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21153 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21156 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21157 It's not easy to play the clown
21158 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21160 He: Do you like Kipling?
21161 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21163 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21164 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21167 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21168 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21171 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21174 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21175 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21177 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21179 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21180 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21181 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21183 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21184 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21186 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21187 finer than the staple of his argument.
21188 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21190 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21192 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21194 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21195 perfectly delightful.
21198 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21199 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21200 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21201 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21203 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21206 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21207 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21210 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21213 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21214 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21216 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21217 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21218 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21219 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21221 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21224 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21225 who can say nothing in the most words.
21227 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21229 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21232 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21235 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21238 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21240 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21241 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21243 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21245 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21246 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21248 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21249 -- Sir Richard Burton
21251 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21252 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21254 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21257 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21260 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21261 had fallen to the ground.
21262 -- The Book of Serenity
21264 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21266 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21267 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21268 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21269 I must translate it otherwise.
21270 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21271 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21272 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21273 Lest you should write too hastily.
21274 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21275 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21276 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21277 That my translation must be changed again.
21278 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21279 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21282 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21283 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21285 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21286 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21288 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21289 -- John Stark, movie review
21291 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21292 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21294 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21295 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21296 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21298 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21299 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21301 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21302 -- Scottish proverb
21304 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21307 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21308 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21310 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21311 -- Benjamin Franklin
21313 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21315 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21316 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21318 He thought he saw an albatross
21319 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21320 He looked again and saw it was
21321 A penny postage stamp.
21322 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21323 "The nights are rather damp."
21325 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21326 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21327 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21328 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21329 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21330 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21332 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21336 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21338 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21339 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21340 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21341 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21342 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21345 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21348 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21351 He was part of my dream, of course --
21352 but then I was part of his dream too.
21355 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21357 He was the sort of person whose personality
21358 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21360 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21362 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21363 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21364 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21366 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21367 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21369 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21370 the human condition is a fool.
21373 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21374 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21376 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21379 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21382 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21384 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21386 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21388 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21390 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21392 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21393 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21394 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21396 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21398 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21401 He who hesitates is last.
21403 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21405 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21407 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21408 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21410 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21412 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21414 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21416 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21417 encounter many rivals.
21418 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21420 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21421 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21422 senses until the day of judgment.
21425 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21427 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21430 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21431 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21432 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21434 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21435 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21436 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21437 he knows something. Or something like that.
21439 He who knows others is wise.
21440 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21443 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21446 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21449 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21451 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21453 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21455 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21457 He who laughs, lasts.
21459 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21461 He who loses, wins the race,
21462 And parallel lines meet in space.
21463 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21465 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21468 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21470 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21471 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21472 -- Sir Richard Burton
21474 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21477 He who slings mud loses ground.
21480 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21482 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21484 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21487 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21490 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21491 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21492 education and culture.
21493 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21495 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21498 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21500 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21501 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21505 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21506 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21509 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21510 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21513 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21514 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21515 up a chopped libber?
21518 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
21519 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21522 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21523 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21527 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21528 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
21529 typewriter's ribbon?
21532 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
21533 One fortunate cookie...
21535 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
21536 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
21537 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
21539 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
21540 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
21542 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
21543 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
21545 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
21546 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
21547 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
21548 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
21551 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
21552 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
21553 while you expound your own.
21554 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21556 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
21557 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
21560 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
21562 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
21564 Heisenberg may have been here.
21566 Heisenberg may have slept here.
21568 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
21571 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
21572 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
21573 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
21575 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
21576 how are they supposed to know you care?
21578 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21579 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21582 Truth seen too late.
21585 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21587 Johnson's Corollary:
21588 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21591 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21592 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21593 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21595 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21596 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21597 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21598 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21599 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21600 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21602 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21603 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21604 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21607 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21609 Hell's broken loose.
21612 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21614 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21616 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21619 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21621 Help fight continental drift.
21623 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune/!
21625 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21627 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21629 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21631 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21632 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21633 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21634 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21635 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21636 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21639 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21640 Her loving husband's life to save;
21641 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21642 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21644 But to our modern married fair,
21645 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21646 No stellar recognition's given.
21647 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21649 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21650 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21652 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21654 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21655 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21656 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21657 thousand times before
21658 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21659 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21661 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21665 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21666 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21667 First net.this and net.that,
21668 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21670 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21671 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21672 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21673 For someone trapped in net.news?
21675 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21676 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21678 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21679 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21680 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21681 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21683 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21684 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21685 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21686 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21688 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21689 At whose beckoning history shook.
21690 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21691 So I stay at home with a book.
21694 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21695 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21696 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21697 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21698 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21699 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21700 important electrical lesson.
21702 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21703 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21704 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21705 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21706 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21707 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21708 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21710 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21711 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21712 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21714 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21716 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21717 if you're alive, it isn't.
21719 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21720 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21721 marketing anxiety in China.
21723 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21724 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21726 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21728 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21729 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21730 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21731 satiric vistas do not open up.
21732 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21734 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21735 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21738 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21740 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21741 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21742 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21744 Here there by tygers.
21746 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21747 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21748 around as if you're going to fall.
21749 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
21751 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21752 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21756 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21758 He's been like a father to me,
21759 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21760 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21761 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21766 He's got the heart of a little child,
21767 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21769 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21771 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21773 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21774 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21777 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21778 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21780 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21782 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21783 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21785 Hewett's Observation:
21786 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21787 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21788 peers similarly engaged.
21790 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21791 To get a little more stack;
21792 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21793 And have to pop all the way back.
21795 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21796 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21798 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21799 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21800 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21801 these words were spoken.
21803 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21804 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21807 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21808 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21810 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21811 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21812 leave your name and message after the beep...
21814 Hi! How are things going?
21815 (just fine, thank you...)
21816 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21817 (you just asked one...)
21818 Well, how about one more?
21819 (one more than the first one?)
21821 (you already asked that...)
21822 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21823 May I ask two questions, sir?
21825 May I ask ONE then?
21827 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21829 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21830 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21831 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21832 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21834 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21835 (go right ahead...)
21837 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21838 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21839 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21840 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21841 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21842 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21843 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21844 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21846 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21847 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21848 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21850 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21851 You wanna help on the audit now?
21853 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21854 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21855 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21857 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21858 The mice ran up the clock,
21859 The clock struck one,
21860 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21862 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21866 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21868 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21869 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21870 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21871 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21872 We buried him today because
21873 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21874 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21875 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21876 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21881 Ruffled the critics by
21882 Dropping this bomb:
21883 "Phooey on Freud and his
21885 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
21888 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21889 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21891 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21893 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21894 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21896 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21897 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21898 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21899 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21900 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21901 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21902 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21903 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21904 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21905 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21906 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21907 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21908 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21909 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21910 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21912 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21915 A California innovation composed
21916 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21918 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21920 Hildebrant's Principle:
21921 If you don't know where you are going,
21922 any road will get you there.
21924 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21925 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21926 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21927 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21930 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21933 Hindsight is an exact science.
21936 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21937 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21938 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21939 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21940 of zoology is full of surprises.
21941 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21943 Hire the morally handicapped.
21945 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21946 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21947 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21949 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21952 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21953 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21955 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21956 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21957 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21958 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21959 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21960 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21961 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21962 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21963 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21964 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21965 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21966 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21967 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21969 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21970 money, he went to Southern California.
21972 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21974 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21977 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21979 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21982 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21984 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21985 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21986 continues to this day.
21989 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
21991 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
21992 of the Mexican revolution:
21994 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
21995 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
21996 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
21997 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
21998 army where he was then executed."
22000 History is curious stuff
22001 You'd think by now we had enough
22002 Yet the fact remains I fear
22003 They make more of it every year.
22005 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22006 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22009 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22011 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22012 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22014 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22016 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22017 time as bedroom farce.
22019 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22021 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22022 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22023 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22024 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22025 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22026 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22028 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22029 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22030 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22031 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22032 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22034 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22035 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22036 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22037 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22038 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22040 And let me halfway fall in love,
22041 For part of a lonely night,
22042 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22043 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22044 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22045 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22048 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22049 The stapler runs out of staples
22050 only while you are trying to staple something.
22052 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22053 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22054 used against the coloured.
22055 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22058 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22059 they will find an easier way to do it.
22061 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22062 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22064 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22065 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22066 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22067 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22068 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22069 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22070 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22071 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22072 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22073 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22074 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22075 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22077 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22078 Inside every large problem is a small
22079 problem struggling to get out.
22081 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22083 Hoffer's Discovery:
22084 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22085 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22088 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22089 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22091 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22092 Take a shot every time:
22094 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22095 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22096 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22097 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22098 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22099 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22100 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22101 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22102 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22103 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22104 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22105 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22106 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22107 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22108 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22109 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22110 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22111 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22112 plan is impossible.
22113 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22116 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22118 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22121 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22122 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22124 Tune in again tomorrow:
22125 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22129 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22130 they have to take you in.
22131 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22133 Home is where the hurt is.
22135 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22136 cage is to a cockatoo.
22137 -- George Bernard Shaw
22139 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22140 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22143 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22145 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22148 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22151 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22153 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22156 Honesty's the best policy.
22157 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22160 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22163 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22165 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22167 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22170 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22171 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
22172 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22173 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22175 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22178 Hope is a waking dream.
22181 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22184 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22186 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22189 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22190 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22193 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22194 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22196 Horngren's Observation:
22197 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22199 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22202 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22205 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22207 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22209 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22210 had towels from my house.
22213 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22216 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22217 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22219 Housework can kill you if done right.
22222 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22225 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22226 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22228 How can you be in two places at once
22229 when you're not anywhere at all?
22231 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22234 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22235 -- Charles de Gaulle
22237 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22240 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22241 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22242 in the waking state?
22245 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22248 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22250 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22252 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22253 claim they'll make you?
22255 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22257 How come we never talk anymore?
22259 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22261 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22262 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22265 How could they think women a recreation?
22266 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22267 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22268 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22269 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22270 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22271 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22272 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22273 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22274 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22275 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22276 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22277 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22278 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22279 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22281 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22282 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22283 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22284 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22285 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22286 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22287 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22288 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22289 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22290 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22291 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22292 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22293 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22294 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22295 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22296 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22298 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22300 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22303 How doth the little crocodile
22304 Improve his shining tail,
22305 And pour the waters of the Nile
22306 On every golden scale!
22308 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22309 How neatly spreads his claws,
22310 And welcomes little fishes in,
22311 With gently smiling jaws!
22312 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22314 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22315 Improve its object code.
22316 And even as we speak does it
22317 Increase the system load.
22319 How patiently it seems to run
22320 And spit out error flags,
22321 While users, with frustration, all
22322 Tear their clothes to rags.
22324 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22325 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22326 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22328 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22330 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22331 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22333 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22334 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22336 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22337 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22338 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22339 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22340 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22341 cheese!" and so on.
22342 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22344 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22346 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22347 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22349 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22351 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22353 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22355 How much does she love you?
22356 Less than you'll ever know.
22358 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22359 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22360 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22362 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22364 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22366 How often I found where I should be going
22367 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22368 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22370 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22372 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22375 How to become a sysop:
22376 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22377 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22378 worked a full day in my life since then.
22381 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22382 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22384 How untasteful can you get?
22386 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22388 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22389 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22391 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22392 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22394 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22396 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22399 How you look depends on where you go.
22402 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22404 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22405 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22408 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22409 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22410 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22411 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22412 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22413 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22414 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22415 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22416 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22417 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22418 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22419 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22420 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22421 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22422 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22423 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22424 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22425 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22426 in the name of "conservatism."
22427 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22429 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22430 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22431 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22432 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22433 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22434 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22435 -- Albuquerque Journal
22438 Don't take life too seriously;
22439 you won't get out of it alive.
22441 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22443 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22448 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22450 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22451 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22452 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22453 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22454 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22455 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22457 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22458 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22460 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22463 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22464 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22468 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22471 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22472 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22474 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22476 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22479 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22482 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22483 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22484 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22485 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22486 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22487 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22488 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22489 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22490 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22492 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22494 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22495 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22496 All the king's horses,
22497 And all the king's men,
22498 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22500 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22502 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22503 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22504 to... to... uh.....
22506 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22507 time, turns into people.
22511 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22512 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22514 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22515 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22517 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22519 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22521 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
22522 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
22524 -- Norman Augustine
22526 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
22527 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
22528 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
22529 terrifies people the most.
22532 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
22535 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
22538 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
22539 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
22541 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
22542 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
22543 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
22544 -- Richard M. Nixon
22546 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
22547 -- Richard M. Nixon
22549 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
22550 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
22551 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
22553 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
22556 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
22557 It is never any good to oneself.
22558 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
22560 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
22561 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
22563 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
22564 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
22565 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
22567 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
22570 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
22571 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
22572 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
22573 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
22574 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
22575 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
22576 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22577 And a cow. And a cow.
22579 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
22580 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
22581 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
22582 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
22583 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
22584 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
22585 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22586 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22587 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22589 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22590 person, you will not sell me another book.
22593 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22595 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22596 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22597 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22599 I am a deeply superficial person.
22602 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22606 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22607 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22609 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22610 computer to be running Win98.
22611 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22613 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22614 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22615 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22617 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22618 -- Winston Churchill
22620 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22621 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22622 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22623 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22625 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22627 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22628 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22629 is to suffer for others.
22632 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22633 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22634 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22635 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22637 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22638 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22640 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22641 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22642 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22645 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22646 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22647 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22648 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22649 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22650 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22652 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22653 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22655 I am looking for a honest man.
22656 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22658 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22665 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22668 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22669 -- William Allen White
22671 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22674 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22677 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22680 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22681 -- English Professor
22683 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22684 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22685 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22686 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22689 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22690 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22691 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22693 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22694 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22695 -- Winston Churchill
22697 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22698 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22699 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22701 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22702 with an option to buy.
22704 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22706 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22708 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22711 I am two with nature.
22714 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22715 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22718 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22719 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22720 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22721 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22722 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22724 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22725 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22726 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22727 they don't even invite me.
22730 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22731 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22732 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22733 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22734 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22735 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22736 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22738 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22739 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22747 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22750 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22751 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22752 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22753 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22754 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22755 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22756 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22757 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22758 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22759 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22760 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22761 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22763 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22765 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22766 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22769 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22770 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22771 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22772 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22773 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22774 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22775 the people who might elect him.
22778 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22779 -- G. K. Chesterton
22781 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22784 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22785 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22786 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22788 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22789 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22790 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22793 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22796 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22799 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22800 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22801 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22803 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22804 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22805 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22806 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22807 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22809 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22810 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22811 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22813 I brake for chezlogs!
22815 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22816 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22817 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22818 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22819 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22820 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22821 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22822 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22823 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22824 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22825 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22826 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22827 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22828 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22829 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22832 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22835 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22836 They're still living in the fifties.
22839 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22841 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22842 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22843 -- Firesign Theatre
22845 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22847 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22848 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22849 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22853 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22854 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22856 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22859 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22860 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22863 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22865 I can relate to that.
22867 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22868 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22872 I can resist anything but temptation.
22874 I can see him a'comin'
22875 With his big boots on,
22876 With his big thumb out,
22877 He wants to get me.
22878 He wants to hurt me.
22879 He wants to bring me down.
22880 But some time later,
22881 When I feel a little straighter,
22882 I'll come across a stranger
22883 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22884 And then.... I'll run him over.
22885 Pretty smart on my part!
22886 To find my way... In the dark!
22889 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22890 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22893 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22896 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22897 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22899 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22900 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22901 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22903 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22904 If it be man's work I will do it.
22906 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22908 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22909 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22910 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22911 United States would have lost World War II."
22912 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22914 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22917 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22918 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22920 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22923 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22924 -- Florence Henderson
22926 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22929 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22930 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22931 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22932 Your Socks Outside-in
22933 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22934 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22935 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22936 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22937 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22938 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22940 I can't mate in captivity.
22941 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22943 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22944 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22947 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22948 -- Albert Anastasia
22950 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22951 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22952 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22953 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22956 I can't understand it.
22957 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22958 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22960 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22961 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22964 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22965 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22968 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22969 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22973 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22974 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22975 -- Michael Prichard
22977 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22978 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22981 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22982 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22983 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
22985 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
22986 dance with the cows till you come home.
22989 I could never learn to like her --
22990 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
22993 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
22995 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
22996 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
22999 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23001 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23002 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23005 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23008 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23009 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23012 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23014 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
23016 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23017 The curtain was up.
23019 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23020 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23022 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23023 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23024 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23025 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23026 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23028 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23029 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23030 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23032 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23033 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23035 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23037 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23038 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23039 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23040 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23041 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23042 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23044 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23046 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23047 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23048 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23051 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23052 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23053 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23054 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23055 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23056 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23057 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23058 Cardinals backed down and played.
23060 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23063 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23064 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23067 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23068 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23070 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23071 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23072 comes nearest to it of any.
23073 -- Henry David Thoreau
23075 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23076 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23079 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23080 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23081 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23082 devote it to research in mathematics.
23083 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23085 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23086 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23090 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23093 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23094 don't believe in astrology.
23095 -- James R. F. Quirk
23097 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23098 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23101 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23102 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23103 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23105 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23106 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23107 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23108 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23110 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23111 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23113 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23116 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23120 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23121 deserve that either.
23124 I don't do it for the money.
23125 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23127 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23130 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23131 -- Katherine Cebrian
23133 I don't get no respect.
23135 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23136 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23138 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23139 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23141 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23142 highly trained certified public accountants.
23145 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23146 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23147 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23149 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23150 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23153 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23156 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23157 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23160 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23161 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23164 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23165 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23167 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23169 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23170 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23173 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23175 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23176 with Dutch Schultz.
23178 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23179 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23180 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23183 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23186 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23187 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23190 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23193 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23194 streets and frighten the horses.
23197 I don't need no arms around me...
23198 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23199 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23200 Don't think I need anything at all.
23201 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23202 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23203 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23204 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23206 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23208 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23210 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23211 he starts to practice law.
23212 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23215 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23216 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23217 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23219 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23221 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23222 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23223 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23225 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23226 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23228 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23229 you human beings don't."
23232 I don't understand you anymore.
23234 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23235 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23237 I don't want a pickle,
23238 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23239 And I don't want to die,
23240 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23243 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23246 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23247 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23250 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23251 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23252 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23253 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23254 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23255 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23256 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23259 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23261 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23264 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23266 I dote on his very absence.
23267 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23269 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23271 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23272 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23273 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23274 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23275 -- George Bernard Shaw
23277 I drink to make other people interesting.
23278 -- George Jean Nathan
23280 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23282 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23284 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23286 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23288 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23290 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23291 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23292 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23294 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23295 honest difference of opinion.
23298 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23299 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23302 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23303 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23306 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23308 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23311 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23312 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23315 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23316 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23317 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23318 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23320 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23321 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23322 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23323 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23325 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23326 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23327 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23328 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23330 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
\bh_
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23331 minutes of my life!
23333 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23336 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23339 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23340 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23341 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23342 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23344 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23345 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23346 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23347 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23350 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23351 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23353 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23356 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23359 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23360 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23361 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23364 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23368 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23371 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23372 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23373 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23374 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23375 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23376 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23377 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23380 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23383 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23384 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23386 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23387 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23388 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23389 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23391 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23393 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23394 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23395 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23396 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23398 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23399 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23400 win -- or even how you won.
23403 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23404 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23407 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23408 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23409 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23410 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23412 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23415 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23416 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23417 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23419 I had a dream last night...
23420 I dreamt about 1976.
23421 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23422 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23423 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23424 so I went back to sleep again.
23425 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23427 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23428 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23429 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23430 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23431 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23432 dinner and I let it go.
23433 -- Winston Churchill
23435 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23436 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23440 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23441 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23442 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23444 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23445 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23449 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23450 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23451 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23452 power to make things different is a bitch.
23455 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23456 so I took his shoes.
23459 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23460 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23463 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23464 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
23467 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23469 I hate babies. They're so human.
23475 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23476 it's going to be up all night.
23479 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23480 and I know how bad I am.
23484 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23486 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23487 there's nothing else to do.
23490 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23491 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23494 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23495 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23496 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23497 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23498 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23499 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23500 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23501 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23502 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23505 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23506 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23507 and just keeps on typing.
23510 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23511 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
23512 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
23513 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23515 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
23516 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
23517 I just... to make a long story short..."
23520 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
23521 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
23523 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
23524 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
23528 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
23529 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
23530 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
23531 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
23533 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
23534 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
23535 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
23536 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
23537 -- Robert L. Stevenson
23539 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
23540 I spent last summer folding it.
23541 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
23544 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
23547 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
23548 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
23549 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
23552 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
23554 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
23555 but I can't prove it.
23557 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
23560 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
23561 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
23563 I have a very strange feeling about this...
23566 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
23567 sacrifice my wife's brother.
23570 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
23571 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
23572 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
23574 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
23577 I have become me without my consent.
23579 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
23580 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
23581 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
23583 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23585 -- George Bernard Shaw
23587 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23588 to sit still in a room.
23591 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23592 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23593 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23595 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23596 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23597 support of the woman I love.
23598 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
23599 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23600 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
23602 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23603 most of them are trash.
23606 I have gained this by philosophy:
23607 that I do without being commanded what others
23608 do only from fear of the law.
23611 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23614 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23615 of a prostate operation.
23616 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23618 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23621 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23622 I do believe that is a record.
23623 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23625 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23626 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23627 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23628 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23629 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23630 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23631 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23634 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23635 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23639 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23640 Which still grates on
23641 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23644 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23645 None of them is worth anything.
23646 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23647 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23648 The price of half a gallon
23650 And most of the bus fare home.
23652 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23653 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23654 -- James Gordon Bennett
23656 I have made this letter longer than usual
23657 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23660 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23662 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23664 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23666 I have never been one to sacrifice
23667 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23668 -- A. M. Readyhough
23670 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23673 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23676 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23677 gone in two years. He was half right.
23678 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23680 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23683 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23684 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23688 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23689 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23692 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23693 As seas of ink I spatter.
23694 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23695 The other kind don't matter.
23696 -- Robert W. Service
23698 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23699 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23700 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23701 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23703 I have not yet begun to byte!
23705 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23708 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23709 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23710 be blockhead enough to have me.
23713 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23716 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23719 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23720 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23721 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23722 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23723 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23724 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23725 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23726 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23727 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23728 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23729 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23730 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23731 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23732 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23733 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23734 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23735 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23736 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23737 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23738 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23739 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
23740 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23741 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23742 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23743 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23745 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23746 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23748 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23750 I have that old biological urge,
23751 I have that old irresistible surge,
23754 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23757 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23758 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23760 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23763 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23764 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23765 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23766 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23767 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23768 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23769 science of data processing), c. 1957
23771 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23772 -- John D. Rockefeller
23774 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23775 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23778 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23780 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23782 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23783 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23785 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23787 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23788 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23789 more than he knows.
23790 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23792 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23793 -- Thomas Jefferson
23795 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23796 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23797 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23798 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23800 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23801 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23802 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23803 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23805 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23807 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23808 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23810 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23813 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23817 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23818 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23819 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23820 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23821 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23823 I just got out of the hospital after a
23824 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23827 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23830 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23833 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23834 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23835 -- Arturo Toscanini
23837 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23838 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23840 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23841 If I could just remember what it was.
23843 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23844 take one along that worked.
23845 -- Raymond Chandler
23847 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23848 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23849 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23850 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23851 But don't you get square!
23852 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23853 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23855 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23857 I know not how I came into this,
23858 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23861 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23862 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23865 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23868 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23869 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23872 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23873 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23874 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23876 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23877 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23880 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23881 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23882 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23883 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23884 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23885 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23887 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23888 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23891 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23892 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23894 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23896 I lately lost a preposition;
23897 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23898 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23899 Up from out of under there."
23901 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23902 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23903 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23904 Up from out of under for?"
23907 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23908 Waitin' for the double E.
23909 The railroad don't run no more.
23910 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23911 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23912 These young girls won't let me be,
23913 Lord have mercy on me!
23916 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23917 Well, I ain't naming names.
23918 But she really worked me over good,
23919 She was just like Jesse James.
23920 She really worked me over good,
23921 She was a credit to her gender.
23922 She put me through some changes, boy,
23923 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23925 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23926 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23927 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23928 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23929 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23931 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23932 didn't is just lyin'!
23935 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23938 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23939 that kidnaped Europa.
23940 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23942 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23943 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23944 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23945 the way and let them have it.
23946 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23948 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23950 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23953 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23955 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23957 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23958 to bite people themselves.
23959 -- August Strindberg
23961 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23962 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23965 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23966 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23969 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23970 someone takes them away.
23973 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23974 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23976 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23979 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23982 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23983 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
23984 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
23986 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
23987 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
23989 I love to eat them Smurfies
23990 Smurfies what I love to eat
23991 Bite they ugly heads off,
23992 Nibble on they bluish feet.
23994 I love treason but hate a traitor.
23995 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
23997 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24000 I love you, not only for what you are,
24001 but for what I am when I am with you.
24004 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24005 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24007 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24009 I married beneath me. All women do.
24010 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24012 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24013 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24015 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24017 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24019 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24022 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24023 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24025 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24026 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24028 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
24029 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
24031 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
24032 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
24033 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24035 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
24036 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
24037 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24038 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
24039 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
24040 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24041 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
24043 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24044 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24047 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24051 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24052 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24053 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24055 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24056 -- Alexander Woolcott
24058 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24059 week sometimes to make it up.
24060 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24062 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24064 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24065 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24066 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24067 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24070 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24071 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24072 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24073 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24074 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24076 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24077 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24079 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24081 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24084 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24085 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24089 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24090 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24091 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24093 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24094 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24097 I never did it that way before.
24099 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24100 places they do today.
24103 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24104 could do was to go away.
24106 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24109 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24112 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24115 I never made a mistake in my life.
24116 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24119 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24120 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24122 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24124 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24126 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24127 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24129 I never saw a purple cow
24130 I never hope to see one
24131 But I can tell you anyhow
24132 I'd rather see than be one.
24135 I've never seen a purple cow
24136 I never hope to see one
24137 But from the milk we're getting now
24138 There certainly must be one
24141 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24142 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24143 But I can tell you anyhow
24144 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24145 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24147 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24149 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24152 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24153 -- George Bernard Shaw
24155 I only know what I read in the papers.
24158 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24159 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24161 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24162 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24163 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24164 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24165 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24166 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24167 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24168 -- Letters From Colette
24171 It's off to work I go...
24173 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24177 I owe the public nothing.
24180 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24181 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24182 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24183 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24184 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24185 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24187 -- Thomas Jefferson
24189 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24190 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24191 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24192 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24193 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24194 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24196 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24198 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24199 of the United States of America
24200 and to the republic for which it stands,
24204 and justice for all.
24205 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24207 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24210 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24212 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24213 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24215 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24218 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24221 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24222 -- William F. Buckley
24224 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24225 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24228 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24229 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24230 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24231 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24232 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24233 aspire to crudeness.
24234 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24236 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24239 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24240 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24241 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24242 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24244 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24245 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24248 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24249 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24251 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24254 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24255 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24256 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24257 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24260 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24261 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24262 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24263 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24264 write about, such as nose-picking.
24265 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24268 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24269 -- Marilyn Chambers
24271 I really hate this damned machine
24272 I wish that they would sell it.
24273 It never does quite what I want
24274 But only what I tell it.
24276 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24277 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24278 something of what has been passing in their time.
24281 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24282 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24283 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24286 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24287 believing that some men are my equals.
24290 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24292 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24293 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24294 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24295 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24296 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24297 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24298 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24299 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24302 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24303 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24304 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24306 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24310 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24311 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24314 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24317 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24318 woman should marry -- and no man.
24319 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24321 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24322 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24323 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24324 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24325 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24326 if they don't get it.
24329 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24330 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24332 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24333 'Round and round they sped.
24334 I was disturbed at this,
24335 I accosted the man,
24336 "It is futile," I said.
24338 "You lie!" He cried,
24342 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24345 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24346 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24349 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24351 I see a bad moon rising.
24352 I see trouble on the way.
24353 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24354 I see bad times today.
24355 Don't go 'round tonight,
24356 It's bound to take your life.
24357 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24358 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24360 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24361 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24362 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24364 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24365 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24366 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24367 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24368 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24370 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24371 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24372 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24373 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24375 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24376 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24377 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24378 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24379 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24380 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24381 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24382 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24383 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24384 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24386 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24387 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24389 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24390 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24392 I sent a message to another time,
24393 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24394 I sent a message to another plane,
24395 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24397 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24398 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24399 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24400 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24401 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24402 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24404 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24405 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24406 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24407 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24408 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24410 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24411 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24413 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24415 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24416 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24417 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24418 that matters, but victory.
24421 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
24422 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24426 -- graffito in San Francisco
24428 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24429 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24432 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24433 most western countries.
24438 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24439 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24442 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24447 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24449 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24450 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24452 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24453 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
24455 I stood on the leading edge,
24456 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24457 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24458 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24459 Go on and give it a try,
24460 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24461 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24463 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24464 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24467 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
24470 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24471 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24472 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24473 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24475 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24477 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24478 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24479 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24480 That needs a helping hand,
24481 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24482 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24484 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24485 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24486 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24487 are worth considering, to wit:
24490 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24491 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24494 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24495 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24496 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
24500 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
24503 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24504 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24505 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24506 are worth considering, to wit:
24509 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
24510 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
24511 a U-turn on a divided highway."
24514 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
24515 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
24516 traveling more than 60 MPH."
24519 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24520 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24522 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24523 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24524 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24525 are worth considering, to wit:
24528 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
24529 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
24532 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
24533 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
24534 a 5' parking space."
24537 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
24538 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
24540 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
24541 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
24543 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
24544 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
24545 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
24547 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
24548 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
24549 munchies, and ate the other half.
24551 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
24552 bottle stuck up my nose.
24553 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24555 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
24556 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
24558 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
24559 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
24560 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
24561 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24563 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
24564 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
24565 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
24566 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24568 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
24571 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
24572 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
24575 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
24578 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
24579 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
24581 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
24582 because I couldn't remember the proof.
24583 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
24585 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
24586 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24588 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
24590 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
24591 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
24592 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
24594 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
24595 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
24596 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
24597 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24598 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24601 I think that I shall never hear
24602 A poem lovelier than beer.
24603 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24604 With golden base and snowy cap.
24605 The stuff that I can drink all day
24606 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24607 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24608 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24610 I think that I shall never see
24611 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24612 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24613 I'll never see a tree at all.
24616 I think that I shall never see
24617 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24618 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
24619 I'll never see a tree at all.
24622 I think that I shall never see
24623 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24624 But as you see the trees have gone
24625 They went this morning with the dawn.
24626 A logging firm from out of town
24627 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24628 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24629 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
24631 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24632 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24633 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24634 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24635 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24636 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24637 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24638 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24639 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24640 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24642 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24643 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24646 I think the world is run by C students.
24649 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24650 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24651 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24653 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24654 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24655 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24657 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24659 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24661 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24662 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
24664 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24666 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24668 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24671 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24672 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24673 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24674 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24675 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24676 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24677 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24678 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24680 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24682 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24683 -- Firesign Theatre
24685 I think we're in trouble.
24688 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24689 except for the one about my mental instability.
24690 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
24692 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24693 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24694 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24695 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24696 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24697 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24698 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24699 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24700 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24701 She sent one from some past high school day,
24702 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24703 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24704 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24705 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24706 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24707 If you were not so totally weird!"
24708 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24709 And he had not done just the same,
24710 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24711 And would not have had fun with the game.
24713 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24715 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24717 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24719 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24721 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24722 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24723 -- Winston Churchill
24725 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24726 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24730 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24731 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24733 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24735 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24736 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24737 and drown myself in the noise.
24738 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24740 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24741 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24743 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24746 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24747 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24749 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24750 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24751 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24753 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24754 I never have to go upstairs.
24756 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24757 front of it in only eight minutes.
24760 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24763 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24766 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24769 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24770 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24771 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24772 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24773 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24774 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24778 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24780 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24783 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24786 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24787 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24788 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24789 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24790 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24791 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24792 No more, Mr. Clean,
24793 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24794 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24796 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24797 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24798 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24799 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24800 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24802 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24803 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24805 I used to have a drinking problem.
24806 Now I love the stuff.
24808 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24809 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24811 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24812 like I'm the only one moving.
24814 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24815 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24816 to be out that long."
24818 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24819 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24822 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24823 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24824 more mature than I am.
24826 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24828 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24829 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24830 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24833 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24834 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24837 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24841 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24842 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24843 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24844 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24848 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24850 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24851 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24853 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24854 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24856 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24858 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24861 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24863 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24864 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24865 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24866 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24867 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24868 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24870 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24872 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24873 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24876 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24877 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24878 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24882 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24883 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24884 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24885 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24888 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24889 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24890 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24891 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24892 get off my driveway.
24895 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24896 With a lady in St. Louie,
24897 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24898 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24899 Roll this rocker out some money,
24900 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24903 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24904 I said I didn't know.
24907 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24908 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24909 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24910 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24911 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24912 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24913 that all the time."
24914 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24916 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24917 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24920 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24921 permitted me to function effectively.
24924 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24925 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24926 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24927 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24928 avoiding the beach.
24929 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24931 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24932 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24935 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24936 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24937 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24938 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24939 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24940 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24941 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24942 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24943 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24944 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24945 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24947 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24948 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24949 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24950 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24952 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24953 full house and four people died.
24956 I was the best I ever had.
24959 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24962 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24963 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24964 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24965 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24966 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24968 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24971 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24974 I went home with a waitress,
24975 The way I always do.
24976 How I was I to know?
24977 She was with the Russians too.
24979 I was gambling in Havana,
24980 I took a little risk.
24981 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24982 Dad, get me out of this.
24983 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
24985 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
24988 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
24989 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
24993 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
24994 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
24995 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
24996 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
24997 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
24998 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
24999 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25000 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25001 program to the point where it would not run at all.
25002 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25003 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25005 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25006 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25008 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25009 As if you just squashed a cop.
25010 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25012 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25016 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25017 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25018 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25020 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25024 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25025 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25026 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25027 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25029 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25030 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25032 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25035 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25036 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25038 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25040 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25041 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25045 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25046 statues that are in all the other museums.
25049 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25050 it took seven others to beat him!
25052 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25054 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25055 but not into it if I can help it.
25056 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25058 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25059 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25060 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25061 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25062 writing on this stone!
25065 I will make you shorter by the head.
25068 I will never lie to you.
25070 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25074 I will not get drunk!
25076 I will not in public!
25078 I will not fall down!
25080 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25082 I will not forget you.
25084 I will not play at tug o' war.
25085 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25086 Where everyone hugs
25088 Where everyone giggles
25089 And rolls on the rug,
25090 Where everyone kisses,
25091 And everyone grins,
25092 And everyone cuddles,
25094 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25096 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25100 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25101 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25104 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25106 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25108 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25109 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25113 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25115 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25117 I woke up a feelin' mean
25118 went down to play the slot machine
25119 the wheels turned round,
25120 and the letters read
25121 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25124 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25125 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25126 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25127 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25130 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25131 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25132 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25133 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25136 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25137 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25139 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25140 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25143 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25144 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25145 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25146 after we've been home a long while.
25149 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25150 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25153 I would have made a good pope.
25156 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25157 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25158 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25161 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25162 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25163 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25164 forget or do not know.
25165 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25167 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25168 referring to image activation and termination.]
25170 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25171 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25172 our tasks will be solved.
25173 -- Warren G. Harding
25175 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25176 with income tax policies.
25177 -- William F. Buckley
25179 I would like to know
25180 What I was fencing in
25181 And what I was fencing out.
25184 I would much rather have men ask why
25185 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25186 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25188 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25189 they're being taped.
25192 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25193 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25195 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25196 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25197 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25199 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25200 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25202 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25204 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25206 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25207 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25208 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25210 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25212 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25213 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25229 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25230 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25231 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25232 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25233 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25234 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25238 Idiots Become Managers
25240 Impossible to Buy Machine
25241 Incredibly Big Machine
25242 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25243 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25244 It Boggles the Mind
25245 It's Better Manually
25246 Itty-Bitty Machines
25248 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25249 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25250 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25253 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25254 And everywhere this language went,
25255 It was a total loss.
25257 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25259 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25260 Machines should work. People should think.
25262 IBM's original motto:
25263 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25265 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25268 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25270 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25272 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25275 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25276 -- Princess Leia Organa
25278 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25279 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25281 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25283 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25285 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25286 whole field to private industry.
25289 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25292 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25295 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25298 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25300 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25303 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25306 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25307 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25309 I'd never cry if I did find
25310 A blue whale in my soup...
25311 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25312 Inside a chicken coop.
25313 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25314 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25315 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25316 They've put acid in my rain.
25319 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25322 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25323 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25326 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25328 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25330 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25333 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25335 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25338 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25340 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25341 Than cry with the saints,
25342 The sinners are much more fun!
25343 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25345 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25347 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25348 solitary confinement.
25350 Identify your visitor.
25353 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25354 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25355 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25358 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25359 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25360 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25363 Leisure gone to seed.
25365 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25367 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25368 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25369 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25370 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25371 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25373 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25376 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25377 at about 30 miles/second.
25378 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25380 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25383 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
25384 is a camel's behind.
25385 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25387 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25389 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25390 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25392 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25393 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25396 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25399 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25400 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25403 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25404 really a guru at all?
25405 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25407 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
25408 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
25409 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25411 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25412 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25413 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25414 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25416 If a listener nods his head when you're
25417 explaining your program, wake him up.
25419 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25420 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25422 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25425 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25426 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25428 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25429 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25430 -- Albert Schweitzer
25432 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25433 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25434 it might well prolong his life.
25435 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25437 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25438 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25439 -- Thomas Jefferson
25441 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25442 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25443 will lose that, too.
25444 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25446 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25447 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25448 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25449 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25451 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25453 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
25454 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
25455 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
25456 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25459 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25460 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25463 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25464 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25465 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25467 If a system is administered wisely,
25468 its users will be content.
25469 They enjoy hacking their code
25470 and don't waste time implementing
25471 labor-saving shell scripts.
25472 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25473 they aren't interested in other machines.
25474 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25475 but these don't access any hosts.
25476 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25477 but nobody ever uses them.
25478 People enjoy reading their mail,
25479 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
25480 spend weekends working at their terminals,
25481 delight in the doings at the site.
25482 And even though the next system is so close
25483 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
25484 they are content to die of old age
25485 without ever having gone to see it.
25487 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
25488 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
25489 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
25490 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
25491 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
25494 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
25495 -- G. K. Chesterton
25497 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
25500 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
25502 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
25503 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
25504 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
25507 If all be true that I do think,
25508 There be five reasons why one should drink;
25509 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
25510 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
25511 Or any other reason why.
25513 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
25514 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
25516 If all else fails, lower your standards.
25518 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
25520 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
25521 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
25522 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
25524 If all the seas were ink,
25525 And all the reeds were pens,
25526 And all the skies were parchment,
25527 And all the men could write,
25528 These would not suffice
25529 To write down all the red tape
25530 Of this Government.
25532 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
25535 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
25536 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
25539 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
25540 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
25541 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
25542 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
25543 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
25544 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
25545 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
25546 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
25547 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
25549 If an S and an I and an O and a U
25550 With an X at the end spell Su;
25551 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
25552 Pray what is a speller to do?
25553 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
25554 And an HED spell side,
25555 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
25556 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
25557 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
25559 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
25560 car he ever lays down in front of.
25563 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
25564 let him become president of Harvard.
25567 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
25568 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
25569 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
25570 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
25572 If anything can go wrong, it will.
25574 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
25576 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25578 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
25580 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
25582 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25584 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25587 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25588 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
25591 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
25593 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
25595 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
25596 -- Leonard Levinson
25598 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
25600 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
25601 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
25602 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
25603 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
25604 plentiful as blackberries.
25607 If bankers can count, how come they have
25608 eight windows and only four tellers?
25610 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25611 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25612 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25614 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25615 but illegal purposes.
25618 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25620 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25623 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25627 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25629 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25633 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25635 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25637 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25638 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25640 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25642 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25643 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25645 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25647 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25648 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25649 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25651 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25652 around a deal faster.
25653 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
25655 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25657 If everything on the road of life seems to
25658 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25660 If everything seems to be going well,
25661 you have obviously overlooked something.
25663 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25664 -- Bertrand Russell
25666 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25668 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25669 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25670 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25671 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25672 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25673 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25676 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25677 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25679 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25682 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25684 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25686 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25688 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25690 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25692 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25694 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25695 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25697 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25699 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25700 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25702 If God had really intended men to fly,
25703 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25706 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25707 have made them cute and furry.
25710 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25713 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25714 He would have given you bigger hands.
25716 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25717 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25719 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25721 If God is One, what is bad?
25724 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25726 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25729 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25732 If God wanted us to have a President,
25733 He would have sent us a candidate.
25734 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25736 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25737 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25739 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25742 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25743 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25745 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25746 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25747 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25748 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25750 If he should ever change his faith,
25751 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25753 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25754 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25756 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25759 If I could read your mind, love,
25760 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25761 Just like a paperback novel,
25762 The kind the drugstore sells,
25763 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25764 The hero would be me,
25766 You won't read that book again, because
25767 the ending is just too hard to take.
25769 I walk away, like a movie star,
25770 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25772 A movie queen to play the scene
25773 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25774 But for now, love, let's be real
25775 I never thought I could act this way,
25776 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25777 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25778 And I just can't get it back...
25779 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25781 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25782 I would spill it all over the stage.
25783 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25784 Would you think the boy was strange?
25787 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25788 Suicide right on the stage,
25789 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25790 Would it help to ease the pain?
25792 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25794 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25797 If I don't drive around the park,
25798 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25799 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25800 I may get back my looks again.
25801 If I abstain from fun and such,
25802 I'll probably amount to much;
25803 But I shall stay the way I am,
25804 Because I do not give a damn.
25807 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25809 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25810 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25811 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25812 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25813 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25815 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25817 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25818 got to be a better way.
25819 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25821 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25822 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25823 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25825 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25828 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25829 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25832 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25833 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25835 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25836 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25837 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25838 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25839 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25840 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25841 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25842 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25843 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25844 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25845 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25846 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25847 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25848 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25849 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25850 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25852 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25855 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25856 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25858 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25860 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25861 shoulders of giants.
25864 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25865 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25868 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25872 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25875 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25876 stand on each other's toes.
25879 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25880 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25881 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25884 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25885 shoulders of giants.
25888 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
25889 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25892 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
25896 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
25899 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25902 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25903 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25904 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25906 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25907 -- Johann van Goethe
25909 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25910 just couldn't help myself.
25913 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25914 -- Alan Parsons Project
25916 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25917 I'm an engineer working on something.
25920 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25922 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25923 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25924 Murphy would be there to tell me
25925 The pot's at the other end.
25928 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25930 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25931 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25934 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25935 because I can't swim.
25938 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25939 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25942 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25944 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25947 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25948 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25950 If in doubt, mumble.
25952 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25954 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25956 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25957 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25959 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25960 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25961 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25963 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25965 If it heals good, say it.
25967 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25968 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25971 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25973 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25976 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25979 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25981 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25983 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
25985 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
25986 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
25988 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
25989 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
25990 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
25991 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
25992 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
25995 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
25997 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
25999 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26001 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26003 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26005 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26007 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26008 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26012 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26013 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26014 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26015 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26016 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26017 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26018 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26019 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26021 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26022 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26023 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26025 If Khaan behaves as serfs
26026 Lose entire states and all estates.
26027 If serfs behave as Khaan
26028 He will regret for his head.
26029 In time of friendship and harmony
26030 Befriend as closely
26031 In time of conflict with enemies
26032 Be falcon of advance and attacks
26033 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
26035 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26037 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26039 If life is merely a joke, the question
26040 still remains: for whose amusement?
26042 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26044 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26047 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26048 you've got in the house.
26049 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26051 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26054 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26055 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26057 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26060 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26062 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26063 -- Mary Wilson Little
26065 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26066 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26068 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26069 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26072 If men are not afraid to die,
26073 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26075 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26076 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26077 Who will dare to break the law?
26079 There is always an official executioner.
26080 If you try to take his place,
26081 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26082 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26083 you will only hurt your hand.
26084 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26086 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26088 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26089 be a merrier world.
26090 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26092 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26093 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26094 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26095 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26097 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26098 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26101 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26102 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26103 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26104 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26105 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26106 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26107 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26108 get an unfair advantage.
26109 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26111 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26114 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26116 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26118 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26121 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26122 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26123 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26125 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26127 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26129 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26130 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26132 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26134 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26135 -- George Bernard Shaw
26137 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26138 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26140 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26141 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26144 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26145 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26148 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26149 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26151 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26153 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26154 will take sandwiches.
26157 Eats first, morals after.
26158 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26160 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26161 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26164 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26165 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26167 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26169 If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26170 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26171 an optional preceding '+' ).
26174 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26175 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26178 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26179 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26181 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26183 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26185 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26187 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26190 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26192 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26193 Eating components of soured milk.
26194 On at least one occasion,
26195 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26196 Or at least in her vicinity,
26197 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26198 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26199 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26201 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26202 pool cues, who would win?
26205 3) The television viewing public
26208 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26211 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26212 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26213 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26214 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26217 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26221 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26223 Their romance might have flourished.
26224 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26226 Love could not help but die,
26227 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26229 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26232 If some people didn't tell you,
26233 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26235 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26236 one day, I would have studied harder.
26237 -- Pope John Paul I
26239 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26241 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26242 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26244 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26247 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26248 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26250 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26251 presumably flunk it.
26254 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26255 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26256 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26257 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26259 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26260 this would be a better world.
26261 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26263 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26266 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26267 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26268 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26269 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26270 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26271 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26272 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26273 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26274 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26275 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26276 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26277 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26278 put on a professor.
26279 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26281 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26282 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26283 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26285 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26287 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26290 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26291 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26294 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26296 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26299 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26300 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26302 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26303 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26305 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26306 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26308 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26309 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26311 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26312 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26314 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26316 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26318 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26319 I would have recommended something simpler.
26320 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26321 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26323 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26324 the lives of both have been wasted.
26326 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26327 then this sentence would not be false.
26329 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26330 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26333 If the odds are a million to one against something
26334 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26336 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26339 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26340 what a living the poor could make!
26342 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26344 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26345 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26348 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26350 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26351 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26352 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26353 paper folding, or something.
26356 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26357 -- Chief Dan George
26359 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26360 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26361 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26362 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26363 -- Reverend Chichester
26365 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26367 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26368 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26370 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26371 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26375 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26376 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
26378 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26379 can't afford divorce.
26382 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26385 If there is no wind, row.
26388 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26389 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26392 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26394 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26395 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26396 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26397 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26399 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26400 something out of you.
26403 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26405 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26406 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26407 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26411 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26412 him because they don't like his necktie.
26413 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26415 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26417 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26419 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26422 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26424 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26427 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26430 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26431 doing the thinking.
26432 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26434 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26436 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26438 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26439 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26440 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26442 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26443 -- Ernest Hemingway
26445 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
26446 -- Laurence J. Peter
26448 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26450 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26451 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26453 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26455 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26456 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26458 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26459 all be millionaires.
26460 -- Abigail Van Buren
26462 If we do not change our direction we are
26463 likely to end up where we are headed.
26465 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26468 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26472 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26473 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26474 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26475 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26478 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26479 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26482 If we spoke a different language, we
26483 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26486 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26487 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26490 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26492 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
26495 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
26497 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
26499 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
26501 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
26502 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
26503 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
26504 -- Marguerite Emmons
26506 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
26508 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
26509 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
26510 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
26511 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
26514 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
26515 -- Aristotle Onassis
26517 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
26518 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
26519 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
26522 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
26523 Quit work and play for once!
26525 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
26528 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
26529 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
26531 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
26532 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
26535 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
26538 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
26540 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
26541 good, you will get out of it.
26543 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
26544 your honesty is corrupt.
26546 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
26547 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
26548 -- Abigail Van Buren
26550 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
26551 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
26554 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
26555 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
26557 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
26559 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
26560 by your parents, we will cash your check.
26562 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
26563 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
26566 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
26567 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
26569 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
26571 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
26573 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
26574 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26576 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
26579 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
26580 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
26582 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
26584 If you can read this, you're too close.
26586 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
26588 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
26591 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
26592 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
26593 -- Edwin Schrodinger
26595 If you can't be good, be careful.
26596 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
26598 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
26600 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
26602 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
26604 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
26605 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26607 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
26609 If you catch a man, throw him back.
26610 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
26612 If you continually give you will continually have.
26614 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
26615 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
26617 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
26619 If you didn't have most of your friends,
26620 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
26622 If you didn't have to work so hard,
26623 you'd have more time to be depressed.
26625 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
26628 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
26629 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
26632 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
26634 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26636 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26638 -- Mordecai Richler
26640 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26641 would have happened if you had done it.
26643 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26645 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26647 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26650 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26653 If you don't have the time right now,
26654 will you have redo right time later?
26656 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26657 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26659 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26661 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26663 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26666 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26667 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26669 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26670 Lavoris in the toilet.
26673 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26675 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26676 either of you for the rest of the day.
26678 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26679 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26681 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26682 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
26683 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26684 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
26685 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26686 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26687 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
26688 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26689 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26690 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26691 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26692 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26693 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26694 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26695 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26696 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26697 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26698 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26699 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26702 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26705 If you explain something so clearly that no
26706 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26708 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26710 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26711 the solution may become your next problem.
26713 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26715 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26716 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26717 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26719 If you fool around with something long
26720 enough, it will eventually break.
26722 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26724 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26725 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26726 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26728 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26729 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26730 -- Winston Churchill
26732 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26733 so as not to disturb those around you.
26735 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26736 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26740 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26742 If you had better tools, you could more
26743 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26745 If you had just one moment to live
26746 And they granted you one special wish
26747 Would you ask for something
26748 Like another chance.
26749 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26751 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26752 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26754 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26756 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26759 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26761 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26762 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26763 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26764 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26765 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26766 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26767 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26768 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26769 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26770 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26772 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26774 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26777 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26779 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26782 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26784 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26786 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26787 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26788 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26791 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26792 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26795 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26796 yourself in the posterior.
26797 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26799 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26801 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26805 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26807 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26810 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26813 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26814 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26817 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26818 365 useless things.
26820 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26823 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26825 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26828 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26829 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26831 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26832 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26835 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26836 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26837 -- Garrison Keillor
26839 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26840 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26842 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26843 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26845 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26846 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26847 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26849 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26850 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26852 If you love someone, set them free.
26853 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26855 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26856 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26858 If you make a mistake you right it
26859 immediately to the best of your ability.
26861 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26862 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26863 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26865 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26866 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26868 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26869 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26872 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
26873 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
26875 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26878 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26879 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26881 If you need anything just whistle.
26882 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26883 Just put your lips together and blow.
26884 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26886 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26887 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26889 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26892 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26893 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26896 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26897 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26900 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26901 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26904 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26905 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26906 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
26908 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26910 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26911 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26912 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26915 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26919 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26920 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26921 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26922 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26923 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26924 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26925 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26928 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26930 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26932 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26933 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26934 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26936 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26938 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26939 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26940 -- Swami Prabhupada
26942 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26945 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26947 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26949 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26950 many it's research.
26953 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26954 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26957 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26958 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26959 Or some joker who is slicker,
26960 Will trick you of your liquor,
26961 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26963 If you stick your head in the sand,
26964 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26966 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26968 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26972 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26973 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26976 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26979 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26981 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26982 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26984 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26985 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26987 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26988 try missing a couple of car payments.
26991 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
26992 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
26995 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
26996 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
26999 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27002 If you think the system is working,
27003 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27005 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27006 shopping center in the world?
27007 -- Richard M. Nixon
27009 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27010 lack sufficient imagination.
27012 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27013 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27014 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27016 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27017 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27018 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27019 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27020 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27022 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27023 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27024 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27025 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27026 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27029 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27030 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27033 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27034 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27035 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27037 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27038 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27040 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27042 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
27045 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27046 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27048 If you want divine justice, die.
27051 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27052 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27055 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27058 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27059 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
27062 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27064 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27068 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27071 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27073 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27077 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27078 -- Harry Blackstone
27080 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27081 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27082 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27083 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27084 the word "National".
27087 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27088 you say, talk in your sleep.
27090 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27091 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27092 even if they don't know what it means.
27093 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27095 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27097 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27098 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27101 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27102 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27103 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27104 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27107 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27109 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27111 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27112 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27115 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27116 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27117 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27118 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27119 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27120 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27121 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27122 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27123 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27124 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27127 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27129 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27132 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27133 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27135 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27136 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27139 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27141 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27143 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27144 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27145 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27147 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27148 I guess you do have a problem.
27149 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27151 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27153 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27154 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27156 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27158 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27159 longer be fantasies.
27162 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27163 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27166 If you're careful enough, nothing
27167 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27169 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27170 The Olympics are over.
27172 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27173 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27175 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27176 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27178 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27180 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27181 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27183 If you're going to do something tonight
27184 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27187 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27189 If you're happy, you're successful.
27191 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27193 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27194 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27196 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27198 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27199 As well as by traffic and crime,
27200 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27201 Though living on burrowed time.
27202 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27204 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27205 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27206 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27208 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27212 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27213 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27214 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27216 Ignorance is bliss.
27219 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27220 BLISS is ignorance.
27222 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27223 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27224 -- Franklin K. Dane
27226 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27228 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27229 so resolutely pursuing it.
27231 Ignore previous fortune.
27233 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27234 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27235 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27236 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27237 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27240 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27241 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
27242 it. Neither will Iles.
27244 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27247 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27249 I'll burn my books.
27250 -- Christopher Marlowe
27252 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27253 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27254 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27255 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27257 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27259 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27261 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27262 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27263 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27265 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27266 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27267 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27268 And in our bound partition never part.
27269 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27271 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27272 I play just what I feel.
27273 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27274 And die behind the wheel.
27275 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27276 I want a name when I lose.
27277 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27278 Call me Deacon Blues.
27279 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27281 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27284 I'll never get off this planet.
27287 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27289 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27290 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27291 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27293 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27294 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27296 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27300 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27303 Illegitimi non carborundum
27304 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27306 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27307 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27309 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27311 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27314 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27315 that I could have evolved from man.
27317 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27318 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27319 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27320 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27321 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27322 Ellen up a steep incline.
27323 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27324 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta
27325 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27326 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27327 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27328 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27329 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2
27330 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27331 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27332 that Kirk talked strangely.
27333 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27334 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27335 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27336 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27337 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27338 physical exam to answer the alert.
27340 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27341 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27343 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27345 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27346 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27347 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27349 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27350 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27352 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27353 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27356 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27357 will be more productive than its cost.
27358 -- David Rockefeller
27361 But it's not what I really want to do.
27362 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27363 I know what you're going to say --
27364 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27365 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27366 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27368 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27371 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27372 that I could have been created by man.
27374 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27375 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27376 I'll tell some power broker
27377 What they did for Iacocca
27378 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27379 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27380 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27381 When they hand a million grand out,
27382 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27383 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27386 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27388 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27389 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27390 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27391 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27392 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27393 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27394 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27395 "You snake," she rattled.
27396 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27397 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27398 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27399 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27400 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27401 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27402 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27403 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27405 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27408 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27411 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27413 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27414 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27416 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27417 I'm glad that I am free,
27418 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27419 And McGovern were a tree.
27421 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27422 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27425 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27426 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27427 > And in LA it's 72.
27429 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27430 is a million percent.
27431 > And in LA it's 72.
27433 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27434 > And in LA there are 72.
27436 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27439 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27442 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27445 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27448 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27449 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27452 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27454 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27455 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27457 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27458 I've missed your special date.
27459 Please say that you're not mad at me
27460 My tax return is late.
27461 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27463 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27467 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27468 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27469 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27470 She's traversed me seven times before.
27471 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27472 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27473 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27474 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27475 N-ary the tree I am.
27476 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27478 I'm not a lovable man.
27481 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
27482 with twenty-eight years ago.
27485 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
27489 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
27490 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
27492 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
27494 I'm not offering myself as an example;
27495 every life evolves by its own laws.
27497 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
27501 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
27503 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
27504 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
27506 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
27508 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
27512 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
27513 that some thinkle peep I am.
27514 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
27516 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
27517 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
27518 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
27519 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
27520 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
27521 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
27522 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
27523 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
27526 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
27527 totally unprepared for everyday life.
27529 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
27530 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
27533 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
27534 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
27536 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
27537 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
27538 -- English Professor, Providence College
27540 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
27542 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
27544 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
27545 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
27546 you being a dumbass.
27547 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
27549 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
27551 I'm sorry I missed.
27554 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
27556 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
27558 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
27559 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
27561 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
27562 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
27563 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
27564 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
27565 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
27567 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
27568 like pigeons and Catholics.
27571 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
27574 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
27577 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
27578 -- Jules de Gaultier
27580 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
27581 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
27582 thinks of complaining.
27583 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
27585 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
27586 It would mean political ruin.
27589 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
27590 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
27591 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
27592 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
27593 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
27595 "Is it PC compatible?"
27597 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
27598 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
27600 Imagine what we can imagine!
27601 -- Arthur Rubinstein
27603 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
27606 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
27607 In order for something to become clean, something else must
27608 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
27611 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
27614 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
27616 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
27618 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
27621 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
27622 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
27624 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27627 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27628 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27629 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27630 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27633 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27634 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27635 conflicting opinions.
27636 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27638 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27639 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27640 Boss is reading it.
27643 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27644 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
27645 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27646 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27648 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27651 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27654 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27655 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27657 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27660 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27661 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27662 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27663 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27664 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27666 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27667 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27669 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27670 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27671 more to its liking.
27673 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27674 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27677 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27679 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27680 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27682 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27683 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27685 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27686 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27687 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27688 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27690 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27691 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27695 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27696 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27698 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27699 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27701 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27702 other really likes.
27703 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27705 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27706 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27707 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27708 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27709 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27711 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27712 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27713 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27715 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27716 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27719 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27720 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27721 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27722 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27723 superior to Tops10.
27725 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27726 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27728 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27729 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27730 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27732 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27733 of the risks he takes.
27736 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27737 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27738 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27739 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27740 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27741 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27743 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27744 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27748 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27750 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27752 -- The Peter Principle
27754 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27755 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27758 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27759 are to be treated as variables.
27761 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27762 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27764 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27765 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27768 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27771 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27772 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27774 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27775 the cows are known sluts.
27778 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27779 made the World Series just something that came later.
27780 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27782 In buying horses and taking a wife
27783 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27785 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27786 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27787 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27788 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27789 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27791 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27792 it into television shows.
27793 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27795 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27797 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27798 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27800 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27801 -- The Kidner Report
27803 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27805 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27806 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27808 In charity there is no excess.
27811 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27812 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27813 be free of subjugation.
27814 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27816 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27817 This is called Monotony.
27819 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27820 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27821 to get her attention.
27823 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27825 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27826 in any motor vehicle.
27828 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27829 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27831 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27834 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27836 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27837 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27838 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27839 In speech, be true.
27840 In work, be competent.
27841 In action, be careful of your timing.
27844 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27845 programming languages.
27847 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27848 -- Thomas Jefferson
27850 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27851 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27853 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27854 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27855 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27856 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27859 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27861 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27862 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27863 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27864 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27865 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27867 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27868 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27870 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27871 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27872 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27873 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27874 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27875 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27876 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27878 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27880 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27881 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27884 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27885 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27887 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27888 In all the others all she loves is love.
27889 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27891 In high school in Brooklyn
27892 I was the baseball manager,
27893 proud as I could be
27894 I chased baseballs,
27895 gathered thrown bats
27896 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27897 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27898 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27899 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27900 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27901 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27902 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27903 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27904 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27905 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27906 I still recall that jacket
27907 and the memory goes on hurting.
27908 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27910 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27911 afterwards that causes the problems.
27914 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27917 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27918 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27919 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27922 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27923 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27924 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27925 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27927 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27929 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27930 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27931 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27933 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27934 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27937 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27940 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27943 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27946 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27947 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27948 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27950 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27951 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27953 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27954 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27955 have obtained from books of travel.
27958 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27959 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27960 -- Thomas Jefferson
27962 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27965 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27966 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27968 In most instances, all an argument
27969 proves is that two people are present.
27971 In my end is my beginning.
27972 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27974 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27975 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27976 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27978 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27979 becoming pure energy.
27980 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
27982 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
27983 punishments, there are consequences.
27986 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
27987 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
27988 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
27990 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
27991 a practice which is still continued.
27994 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
27996 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
27997 you're what's left.
27999 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28001 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28002 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28004 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28006 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28008 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28009 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28010 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28012 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28013 Court decision and violent revolution.
28014 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28016 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28018 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28019 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28020 -- John Diefenbaker
28022 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28023 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28025 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28026 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28029 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28030 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28033 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28034 want the other person.
28035 -- Margaret Anderson
28037 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28039 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28041 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28042 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28043 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28044 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28045 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28046 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28048 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28049 merger be that far off?
28050 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28052 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28053 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28054 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28055 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28056 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28058 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28061 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28062 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28063 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28064 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28065 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28066 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28067 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28069 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28070 is over six feet in length.
28072 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28073 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28075 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
28077 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28079 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28082 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28085 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28088 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28089 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28090 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28092 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28093 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28094 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28095 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28096 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28098 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28099 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28100 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28102 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28104 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28105 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28107 In the beginning was the word.
28108 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28110 For with it came syntax ...
28113 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28114 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28115 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28116 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28117 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28118 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28119 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28120 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28121 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28123 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28124 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28125 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28128 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28129 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28131 In the days of old,
28132 When Knights were bold,
28133 And women were too cautious;
28134 Oh, those gallant days,
28135 When women were women,
28136 And men were really obnoxious.
28138 In the dimestores and bus stations
28139 People talk of situations
28140 Read books repeat quotations
28141 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28144 In the early morning queue,
28145 With a listing in my hand.
28146 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28147 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28148 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28149 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28150 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28151 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28152 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28153 I've moved up one at last.
28154 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28155 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28157 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28160 In the first place, God made idiots;
28161 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28164 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28165 the proper order then why can't he?
28167 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28170 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28171 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28173 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28176 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28177 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28180 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28181 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28182 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28184 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28187 In the long run we are all dead.
28188 -- John Maynard Keynes
28190 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28191 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28192 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28194 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28195 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28197 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28198 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28199 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28200 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28201 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28202 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28205 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28207 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28209 In the next world, you're on your own.
28211 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28212 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28213 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28215 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28216 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28218 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28219 the sound of those drums."
28220 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28221 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28223 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28224 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28225 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28226 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28227 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28228 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28229 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28231 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28232 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28233 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28234 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28235 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28238 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28239 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28240 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28241 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28242 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28243 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28244 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28247 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28248 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28249 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28251 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28253 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28254 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28257 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28259 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28260 In practice, there is.
28262 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28267 Your head grows bald
28271 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28272 -- Benjamin Franklin
28274 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28275 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28278 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28279 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28281 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28282 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28285 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28287 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28289 -- Winston Churchill
28291 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28292 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28295 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28296 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28298 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28299 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28300 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28301 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28302 Down to a sunless C.
28304 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28307 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28310 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28311 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28313 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28315 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28318 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28319 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28321 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28322 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28323 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28324 Through caverns measureless to man
28325 Down to a sunless sea.
28326 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28327 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28328 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28329 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28330 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28331 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28332 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28334 In youth, it was a way I had
28335 To do my best to please,
28336 And change, with every passing lad,
28337 To suit his theories.
28339 But now I know the things I know,
28340 And do the things I do;
28341 And if you do not like me so,
28342 To hell, my love, with you!
28343 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28346 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28347 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28348 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28349 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28354 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28355 Have mate's phone bugged.
28358 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28359 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28361 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28363 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28364 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28365 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28369 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28370 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28372 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28373 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28374 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28377 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28379 Individualists unite!
28381 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28382 advance; insufferable in victory.
28383 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28386 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28387 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28388 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28391 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28392 in Constantinople, one who does.
28393 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28395 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28397 Information Center, n.:
28398 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28399 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28401 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28403 Information Processing:
28404 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28405 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28407 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28409 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28410 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28411 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28412 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28413 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28415 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28416 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28417 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28421 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28423 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28424 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28427 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28428 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28431 On a Bucharest elevator:
28433 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28434 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28438 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28440 Various signs in Poland:
28442 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28444 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28446 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28448 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28450 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28451 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28454 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28457 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28458 and then complains of indigestion.
28460 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28461 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28464 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28465 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
28466 promote intellectual crime.
28467 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28469 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
28471 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
28476 Innovation is hard to schedule.
28482 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
28483 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
28486 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
28488 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
28489 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
28492 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
28495 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
28496 the person who told it to you.
28498 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
28500 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
28502 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
28505 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
28507 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
28508 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
28509 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
28510 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
28511 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28513 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
28516 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
28517 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
28518 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
28519 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
28520 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
28523 Integrity has no need for rules.
28525 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
28528 Intellect annuls Fate.
28529 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
28530 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28532 Interchangeable parts won't.
28535 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
28536 burned out employees must feign.
28538 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
28539 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
28540 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
28541 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
28544 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
28545 best at, that's what I say.
28549 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
28550 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
28551 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
28552 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28554 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
28557 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
28559 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
28564 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
28566 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
28568 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
28570 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
28571 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
28575 It's off to disk I go,
28576 A bit or byte to read or write,
28579 IOT trap -- core dumped
28581 IOT trap -- mos dumped
28583 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
28586 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
28587 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
28588 little paper envelopes.
28590 Iron Law of Distribution:
28591 Them that has, gets.
28594 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
28595 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
28597 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
28598 -- Douglas Hofstadter
28600 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
28602 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
28604 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
28606 Is death legally binding?
28608 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
28609 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
28612 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
28615 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28617 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28618 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28619 and such as are out wish to get in?
28622 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28623 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28625 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28628 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28630 Is there life before breakfast?
28632 Is this really happening?
28634 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28636 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28637 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28639 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28640 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28641 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
28643 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28644 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28645 -- Kelvin Throop III
28647 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28648 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28649 would make them better prospects?
28651 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28655 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28656 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28659 A solution in search of a problem!
28661 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28662 The Course of Progress:
28663 Most things get steadily worse.
28664 The Path of Progress:
28665 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28667 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28668 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28669 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28670 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28671 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28672 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28673 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28674 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28675 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28676 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28677 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28679 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28680 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28683 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28684 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28685 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28686 And empty holes it fills.
28687 It comes first and follows after,
28688 Ends life, kills laughter.
28690 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28691 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28692 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28693 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28694 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28695 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28696 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28697 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28698 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28699 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28701 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28702 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28703 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28704 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28705 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28706 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28708 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28709 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28711 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28712 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28713 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28714 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28715 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28716 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28718 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28720 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28722 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28723 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28725 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28726 done and what you're going to do.
28728 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28730 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28731 next morning it was someone else.
28734 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28735 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28736 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28737 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28738 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28740 It gets late early out there.
28743 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28744 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28746 It hangs down from the chandelier
28747 Nobody knows quite what it does
28748 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28749 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28751 It grows a couple of feet each day
28752 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28753 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28754 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28755 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28757 It happened long ago
28758 In the new magic land
28759 The Indians and the buffalo
28760 Existed hand in hand
28761 The Indians needed food
28762 They need skins for a roof
28763 The only took what they needed
28764 And the buffalo ran loose
28765 But then came the white man
28766 With his thick and empty head
28767 He couldn't see past his billfold
28768 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28769 It was sad, oh so sad.
28770 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28772 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28773 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28774 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28775 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28776 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28777 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28779 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28780 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28781 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28784 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28785 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28786 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28787 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28789 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28790 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28792 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28794 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28795 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28796 -- Bertrand Russell
28798 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28799 and getting people under the influence.
28802 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28804 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28805 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28806 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28807 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28808 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28809 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28810 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28811 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28812 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28813 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28814 competence will be quite enough.
28815 -- The Underground Grammarian
28817 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28818 little things are infinitely the most important.
28819 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28821 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28822 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28823 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28824 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28826 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28827 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28830 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28831 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28832 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28836 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28837 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28838 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28840 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28841 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28844 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28846 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28849 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28850 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28853 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28854 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28855 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28856 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28857 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28858 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28859 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28860 three more than the schedule allowed.
28861 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28862 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28863 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28864 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28865 their thumbs for ten months.
28866 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28867 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28868 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28869 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28870 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28871 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28872 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
28874 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28875 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28877 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28878 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28879 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28882 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28885 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28886 but you should let go of it now and then.
28889 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28890 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28891 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28893 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28895 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28896 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28897 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28900 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28901 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28902 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28903 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28904 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28905 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28906 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28908 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28909 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28910 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28912 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
28914 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28915 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28917 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28918 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28920 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28923 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28927 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28928 One in a million, perhaps.
28930 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28932 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28934 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28936 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28938 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28940 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28942 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28944 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28946 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28948 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28951 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28953 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28955 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28956 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28958 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28960 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28961 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28964 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28965 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28966 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28968 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28969 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
28972 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
28973 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
28974 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28976 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
28980 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
28981 depends upon his not understanding it.
28984 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
28986 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
28987 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
28988 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
28991 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
28993 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
28995 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
28997 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
28998 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
28999 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29000 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29001 attention, the harder the task.
29002 -- Sydney J. Harris
29004 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29006 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29009 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29011 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29012 -- George Santayana
29014 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29015 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29017 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29019 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29021 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29024 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29025 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29026 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29028 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29029 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29030 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29031 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29033 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29034 referring to scheduling.]
29036 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29037 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29040 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29041 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29042 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29044 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29046 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29048 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29052 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29055 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29057 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29058 innovative maneuvers.
29060 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29061 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29062 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29064 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29065 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29067 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29068 love does not lie in the ear.
29071 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29072 Boulevard at one time.
29074 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29076 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29077 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29078 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29079 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29080 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29082 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29084 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29085 against the attack of those who want to die.
29087 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29088 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29089 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29091 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29095 It is impossible to make anything
29096 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29098 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29099 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29103 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29105 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29106 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29109 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29110 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29111 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29113 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29114 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29115 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29116 like a happy married life.
29119 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29120 offense consists in doubting it.
29121 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29123 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29124 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29126 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29127 when you know nothing about the problem.
29129 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29131 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29132 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29133 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29134 -- George Bernard Shaw
29136 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29139 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29141 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29142 that makes life blessed.
29145 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29146 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29147 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29149 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29151 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29153 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29154 The main thing is to use it well.
29157 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29158 we should also have the management of them.
29159 -- La Rochefoucauld
29161 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29164 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29165 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29166 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29168 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29169 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29172 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29173 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29174 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29175 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29176 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29177 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29178 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29180 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29181 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29182 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29184 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29185 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29186 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29187 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29188 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29189 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29190 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29194 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29195 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29196 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29197 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29198 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29199 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29200 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29201 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29202 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29204 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29205 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29207 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29209 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29210 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29214 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29215 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29217 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29220 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29221 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29222 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29225 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29228 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29229 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29232 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29233 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29234 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29236 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29237 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29241 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29242 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29243 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29244 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29245 should be used in its proper place.
29246 -- Christopher Strachey
29248 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29249 -- Maimie Van Doren
29251 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29252 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29253 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29254 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29256 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29257 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29258 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29259 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29261 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29262 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29263 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29264 day like any other day, only shorter.
29265 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29267 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29268 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29269 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29270 too, shall pass away."
29273 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29274 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29277 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29278 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29280 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29281 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29282 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29284 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29285 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29287 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29288 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29289 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29290 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29291 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29292 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29293 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29295 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29296 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29298 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29299 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29300 until the other has gone.
29302 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29305 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29308 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29309 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29312 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29313 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29315 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29318 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29320 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29321 lives, works and has his being.
29324 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
29325 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
29326 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29328 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29330 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29332 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29333 It produces a false impression.
29336 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29337 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29339 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29342 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29343 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29345 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29347 It isn't easy being green.
29350 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29351 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29354 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29358 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29359 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29361 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29362 to Grandmother's condo.
29364 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29365 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29366 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29368 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29370 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29371 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29372 -- Princess Leia Organa
29374 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29375 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29376 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29378 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29379 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
29381 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29382 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29383 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29385 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29389 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29390 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29392 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29393 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29396 It may be that your whole purpose in life
29397 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
29399 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29401 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29402 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29403 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29404 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29405 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29406 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29408 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29409 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29410 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29413 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29415 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29417 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29418 one's life and then come round.
29419 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29421 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29423 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29424 they'll come out for it.
29425 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29431 When it reaches to the tongue
29432 It is like a mosquito
29433 When it relives from tongue
29434 It is like an elephant.
29435 -- Boorchi (first of 9 knights of Chinggis (Genghis) Khan)
29437 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29438 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29440 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29441 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29443 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29445 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29446 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29448 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29449 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29450 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29451 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29452 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29453 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29455 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29458 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29461 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29462 language named "research student".
29464 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29466 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29467 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
29468 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
29469 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
29470 average wife is like that.
29471 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
29473 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
29475 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
29477 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
29478 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
29480 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
29482 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
29484 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
29487 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
29489 It takes less time to do a thing right
29490 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
29491 -- H. W. Longfellow
29493 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
29495 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
29496 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
29497 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
29498 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
29499 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
29500 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
29501 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
29502 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
29504 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
29505 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
29508 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
29509 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
29510 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
29511 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
29512 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
29513 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
29515 It used to be the fun was in
29516 The capture and kill.
29517 In another place and time
29518 I did it all for thrills.
29521 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
29524 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
29526 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
29528 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
29529 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
29530 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
29531 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
29533 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
29534 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
29535 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
29537 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
29540 It was all so different before everything changed.
29542 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
29543 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
29544 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
29546 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
29547 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
29550 It was one time too many
29552 It was all too much for me and you
29553 There was one way to go
29554 Nothing more we could do
29559 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
29561 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
29563 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
29565 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
29566 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
29567 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
29568 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
29569 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
29570 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
29571 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
29575 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
29576 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
29577 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
29578 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
29579 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
29580 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
29581 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
29582 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
29583 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
29584 would let me stay here for the night."
29585 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
29588 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
29589 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
29590 -- Hunter S. Thompson
29592 It was wonderful to find America, but it
29593 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
29596 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
29599 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
29600 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
29602 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
29603 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
29605 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
29606 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
29610 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
29611 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
29612 two things still safe to eat.
29615 It would be nice to be sure of anything
29616 the way some people are of everything.
29618 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
29621 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
29622 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
29623 are often slanted to the left.
29625 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29627 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29630 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29633 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29635 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29637 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29640 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29643 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29645 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29646 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29648 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29650 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29651 when you lose yours.
29654 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29657 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29658 -- Churchy La Femme
29660 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29662 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29665 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29666 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29667 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29668 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29669 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29670 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29671 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29672 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29673 have thought it up, I wonder?
29676 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29678 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29680 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
29683 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29684 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29686 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29688 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29690 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29693 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29694 but why do the rats always have to win?
29696 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29699 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
29702 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29704 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29706 It's clever, but is it art?
29708 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29710 "It's easier said than done."
29712 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29713 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29714 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29717 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29720 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29721 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29723 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29726 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29727 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29729 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29731 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29734 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29735 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29736 the ignorance of the community.
29739 It's faster horses,
29743 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29745 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29746 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29748 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29749 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29753 It's gonna be alright,
29754 It's almost midnight,
29755 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29757 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29758 even if most of them are bad.
29760 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29761 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29763 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29765 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29766 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29769 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29772 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29773 you're getting something off your chest.
29775 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29776 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29778 It's hard to think of you as the end
29779 result of millions of years of evolution.
29781 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29783 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29784 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29786 It's interesting to think that many quite
29787 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29789 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29790 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29791 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29792 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29794 It's just a jump to the left
29795 And then a step to the right.
29796 Put your hands on your hips
29797 And pull your knees in tight.
29798 It's the pelvic thrust
29799 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
29801 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29803 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29805 It's just apartment house rules,
29806 So all you 'partment house fools
29807 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29808 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29809 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29811 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29814 It's later than you think.
29816 It's later than you think, the joint
29817 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29819 It's like deja vu all over again.
29826 and even the teddy bears
29829 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29830 you're going in the wrong direction.
29832 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29835 It's multiple choice time...
29839 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29840 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29843 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29844 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29847 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29849 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29850 a sickness you like.
29853 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29854 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29857 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29859 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29862 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29865 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29866 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29868 It's not easy being green.
29871 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29874 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29877 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29880 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29881 what you're taking for it...
29883 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29885 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29889 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29890 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29893 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29895 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29898 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29901 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29904 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29906 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29908 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29909 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29910 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29911 -- Sydney J. Harris
29913 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29914 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29917 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29918 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29919 elected governor of California.
29921 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29922 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29924 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29925 as a warning to others.
29927 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29928 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29931 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29933 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29935 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29936 society will take full responsibility for you.
29938 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29939 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29940 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29941 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29944 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29946 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29947 have been all over it.
29948 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29950 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29951 just to see if it's real,
29952 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29953 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29954 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29955 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29956 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29958 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29960 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29962 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29963 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29965 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29966 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29967 -- Franklin P. Jones
29969 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29970 boy gets another beer.
29973 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29975 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29976 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29978 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29979 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29980 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
29982 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
29983 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
29985 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
29986 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
29987 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
29988 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
29989 inevitably unsuccessful.
29990 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
29991 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
29992 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
29993 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
29994 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
29995 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
29996 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
29997 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
29998 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
29999 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30000 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30001 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30002 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30003 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30004 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30006 I've already told you more than I know.
30008 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30010 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30011 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30013 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30014 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30017 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30022 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30025 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30026 Does anybody know where it goes,
30027 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30029 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30033 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30034 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30035 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30036 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30037 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30038 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30039 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30040 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30042 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30043 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30044 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30045 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30047 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30048 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30049 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30051 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30053 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30054 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30055 -- Dennie van Tassel
30057 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30058 this little hole in the bottom ...
30061 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30063 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30066 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30069 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30072 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30075 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30078 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30079 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30081 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30083 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30086 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30089 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30092 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30096 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30099 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30101 I've only got 12 cards.
30103 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
30104 -- Senator Claghorn
30106 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30107 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30108 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30109 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30110 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30111 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30113 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30114 And from that full meridian of my glory
30115 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30116 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30117 And no man see me more.
30120 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30121 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30122 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30124 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30125 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30126 legislature is in session.
30130 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30131 ones; the meek the girls(the
30132 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30133 all except the cold ones; the slim
30134 ones plump tiny tall)
30139 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30141 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30142 all except ones; the mean
30143 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30145 except the green ones
30148 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30149 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30152 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30153 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30154 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30156 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30157 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30158 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30159 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30160 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30161 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30162 television?" and "Good night".
30163 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30167 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30168 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30169 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30170 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30171 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30173 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30180 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30182 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30183 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30185 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30186 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30189 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30190 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30191 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30193 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30194 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30195 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30197 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30198 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30199 to you. You gonna pay it?
30202 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30203 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30206 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30208 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30211 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30212 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30213 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30214 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30215 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30216 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30217 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30218 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30219 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30221 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30224 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30226 John Dame May Oscar
30227 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30228 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30229 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30232 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30234 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30236 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30237 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30238 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30239 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30240 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30241 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30242 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30243 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30244 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30246 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30247 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30248 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30249 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30251 Johnson's First Law:
30252 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30253 most inconvenient possible time.
30256 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30258 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30259 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30261 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30262 exciting people, and kill them.
30264 Join the march to save individuality!
30266 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30267 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30270 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30271 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30272 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30273 importance of their original contribution.
30276 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30279 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30282 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30283 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30285 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30286 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30287 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30288 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30289 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30290 yourself as wide as the sky.
30292 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30295 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30297 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30298 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30299 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30301 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30302 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30303 someone else's cash.
30304 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30306 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30309 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30310 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30311 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30313 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30314 6: It matches my eyes.
30315 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30316 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30317 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30318 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30319 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30320 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30322 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30323 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30324 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30325 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30326 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30327 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30328 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30329 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30330 She helped me with my suitcase,
30331 She stands before my eyes,
30332 Driving me to the airport
30333 And to the friendly skies.
30334 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30336 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30337 (and nobody cares about it).
30338 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30340 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
30341 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
30342 daydreams about women.
30343 -- George Bernard Shaw
30345 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
30346 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
30347 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
30348 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
30349 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
30350 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
30351 sense of respect for the whole truth.
30352 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30354 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30357 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30359 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30363 Just because the message may never be
30364 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30366 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
30367 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30369 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30371 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30374 Just because your doctor has a name for your
30375 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
30377 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30379 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30380 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
30381 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30383 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30385 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30386 get a prompt, type like hell.
30388 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30389 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30390 about his or her love affairs.
30393 Just machines to make big decisions,
30394 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30395 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30396 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30397 What a beautiful world this will be,
30398 What a glorious time to be free.
30399 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30401 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30402 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30403 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
30405 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30406 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30407 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30409 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30412 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30413 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30415 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30416 As he landed his crew with care;
30417 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30418 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30420 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30421 That alone should encourage the crew.
30422 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30423 What I tell you three times is true.'
30424 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30426 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30427 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30430 Just to have it is enough.
30432 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30433 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30434 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30436 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30438 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30441 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30442 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30443 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30444 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30446 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30447 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30448 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30449 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30450 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30451 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30453 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30454 -- Michael J. Wagner
30456 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30460 A decision in your favor.
30462 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30463 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30464 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30465 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30466 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30469 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30470 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30472 Kamikazes do it once.
30475 Where the men are men and so are the women!
30477 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
30480 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
30482 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
30483 package of snack food.
30485 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
30487 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
30490 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
30491 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
30493 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
30496 Men and nations will act rationally when
30497 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
30499 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
30500 exhausted all other alternatives.
30503 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
30504 Population density is inversely proportional
30505 to the square of the distance from the keg.
30508 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
30509 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
30511 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
30514 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
30516 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
30517 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
30518 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
30519 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
30520 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
30521 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
30523 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
30524 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
30526 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
30528 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
30530 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
30531 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
30532 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
30533 force is technically termed "car suck").
30534 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
30536 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
30537 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
30538 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
30539 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
30540 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
30541 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
30542 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
30543 in the head and knock you silly.
30545 Keep it short for pithy sake.
30547 Keep on keepin' on.
30549 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
30550 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
30553 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
30556 Keep the phase, baby.
30558 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
30560 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
30561 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
30562 at the end of six months.
30565 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
30567 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
30568 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
30569 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
30570 Your Feet on the Ground,
30571 Your Head on your Shoulders.
30572 Now... try to get something DONE!
30574 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
30575 -- Benjamin Franklin
30577 Keep your laws off my body!
30579 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
30580 Open it and you remove all doubt.
30582 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
30583 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
30584 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
30585 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
30586 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
30589 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
30590 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
30591 you've got to go broke.
30594 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
30597 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
30598 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
30599 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
30602 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
30603 traditions of sorcery and black art.
30605 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
30606 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
30607 and parking for the faculty.
30609 Kettering's Observation:
30610 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
30612 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
30614 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
30615 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
30616 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
30617 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
30618 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
30619 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
30620 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
30622 Kill a commy for your mommy.
30624 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
30626 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
30631 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
30636 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30640 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30641 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30644 An affliction of the blood
30646 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30649 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30652 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30653 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30654 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30657 Kinkler's First Law:
30658 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30660 Kinkler's Second Law:
30661 All the easy problems have been solved.
30663 Kirk to Enterprise...
30665 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30667 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30668 any of its streets.
30670 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30672 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30673 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30675 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30677 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30679 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30681 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30683 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30686 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30687 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30688 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30690 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30691 Butter up a friend.
30693 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30694 -- Winston Churchill
30696 Klatu barada nikto.
30698 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30700 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30704 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30706 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30707 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30709 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30710 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30713 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30715 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30718 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30719 causes of statistics.
30721 Knights are hardly worth it.
30722 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30728 Sam and Janet Evening...
30730 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30733 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30734 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30735 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30736 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30737 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30739 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30740 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30741 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30742 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30743 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30744 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30745 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30746 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30747 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30748 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30750 Knocked, you weren't in.
30753 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30761 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30763 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30767 Things you believe.
30769 Knowledge is power.
30772 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30773 -- Aleister Crowley
30775 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30777 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30778 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30779 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30780 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30781 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30784 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30786 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30787 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30788 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30791 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30792 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30793 From mud slides to brush fires.
30796 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30797 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30799 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30801 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30802 -- George Bernard Shaw
30807 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30809 Lactomangulation, n.:
30810 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30811 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30812 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30814 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30816 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30817 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30818 I come before you to stand behind you
30819 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30820 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30821 There will be a convention held in the
30822 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30823 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30824 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30825 It was a summer's day in winter,
30826 And the snow was raining fast,
30827 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30828 Stood sitting in the grass.
30829 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30830 Two dead men got up to fight.
30831 Three blind men to see fair play,
30832 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30833 Back to back, they faced each other,
30834 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30835 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30836 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30838 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30839 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30840 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30841 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30842 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30844 -- Billie Jean King
30846 Lady, lady, should you meet
30847 One whose ways are all discreet,
30848 One who murmurs that his wife
30849 Is the lodestar of his life,
30850 One who keeps assuring you
30851 That he never was untrue,
30852 Never loved another one...
30853 Lady, lady, better run!
30854 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30856 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30857 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30860 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30862 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30864 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30865 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30866 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30868 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30869 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30870 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30871 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30872 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30873 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30874 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30875 you would pin this on your white meat."
30878 Look to your stern!
30879 Your house is on fire,
30880 Your children will burn!
30881 So jump ye and sing, for
30882 The very first time
30883 The four lines above
30884 Have been put into rhyme.
30887 Laetrile is the pits.
30889 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30890 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30892 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30894 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30896 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30897 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30898 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30899 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30900 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30902 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30905 (1) Everything depends.
30906 (2) Nothing is always.
30907 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30909 Language is a virus from another planet.
30910 -- William Burroughs
30912 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30913 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30914 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30918 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30919 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30920 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30921 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30922 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30924 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30925 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30928 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30929 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30930 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30931 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30932 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30933 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30934 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30935 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30936 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30939 All laws are basically false.
30944 Last guys don't finish nice.
30945 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30947 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30948 the pillow was gone.
30951 Last night I met upon the stair
30952 A little man who wasn't there.
30953 He wasn't there again today.
30954 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30956 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30957 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30960 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30961 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30963 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30965 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30966 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30967 I don't remember what it was.
30970 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30972 Latin is a language,
30974 First it killed the Romans,
30975 And now it's killing me.
30977 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30979 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
30981 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
30983 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
30985 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
30987 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
30989 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
30993 No child throws up in the bathroom.
30995 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
30996 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
30998 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
30999 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31000 -- Richard M. Nixon
31002 Law of Communications:
31003 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31004 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31005 area of misunderstanding.
31008 Experiments should be reproducible.
31009 They should all fail the same way.
31011 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31012 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31014 Law of Selective Gravity:
31015 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31017 Jenning's Corollary:
31018 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31019 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31022 He who hesitates is lunch.
31025 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31027 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31028 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31030 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31032 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31034 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31035 -- Otto von Bismarck
31037 Laws of Computer Programming:
31038 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31039 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31040 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31041 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31042 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31043 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31044 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31045 the programmer who must maintain it.
31047 Laws of Serendipity:
31049 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31051 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31052 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31055 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31059 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31060 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31061 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31063 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31066 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31069 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31072 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31073 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31074 Is to keep the lightning out.
31075 But what these unobservant birds
31076 Have failed to notice is that herds
31077 Of bears may come with buns
31078 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31080 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31081 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31082 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31085 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31087 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31088 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31089 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31090 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31092 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31094 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31096 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31098 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31101 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31102 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31103 quicker you can do it.
31105 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31106 everything else follows in the same way.
31109 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31110 thought without learning is perilous.
31113 Leave no stone unturned.
31117 Mother said there would be days like this,
31118 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31120 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31122 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31125 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31126 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31127 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31128 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31132 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31133 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31135 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31136 Proof (by induction):
31137 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31138 horses in that set are the same color.
31139 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31140 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31141 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31142 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31143 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31144 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31145 horses are the same color.
31146 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31147 Proof (by intimidation):
31148 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31149 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31150 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31151 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31152 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31153 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31154 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31155 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31157 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31159 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31161 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31163 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31164 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31165 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31166 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31168 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31169 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31170 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31171 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31173 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31174 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31175 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31176 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31177 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31180 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31182 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31185 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31187 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31188 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31190 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31191 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31195 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31196 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31197 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31198 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31199 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31200 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31201 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31202 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31203 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31204 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31205 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31206 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31207 If this be error and upon me proved,
31208 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31209 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31211 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31213 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31214 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31216 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31217 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31218 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31219 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31220 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31221 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31222 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31223 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31228 Let my petty body exhausted,
31229 But not my state nature.
31230 Let my whole body exhausted
31231 But not my entire state
31232 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31234 Let no guilty man escape.
31237 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31239 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31240 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31242 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31245 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31246 -- "The Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Plauger
31248 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31251 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31252 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31254 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31255 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31258 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31259 -- Benjamin Franklin
31261 Let us go then you and I
31262 while the night is laid out against the sky
31263 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31265 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31268 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31269 The muttering retreats
31270 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31271 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31272 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31273 Of insidious intent
31274 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31275 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31276 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31280 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31284 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31285 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31288 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31289 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31292 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31294 Let us treat men and women well;
31295 Treat them as if they were real;
31297 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31299 Let your conscience be your guide.
31303 [The state, that's me.]
31306 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31308 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31309 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31310 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
31311 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
31312 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
31313 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
31314 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31316 Let's love each other slowly,
31317 reaching for a plane,
31318 of exquisite pleasure,
31322 Let's not complicate our relationship
31323 by trying to communicate with each other.
31325 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31327 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31330 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
31331 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
31332 Anguish. You would sue:
31334 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31335 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31336 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31339 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31340 cretin like yourself.
31342 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31343 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31344 a large cash settlement anyway.
31347 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31348 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31349 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31350 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31351 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31352 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31353 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31354 It's not his money.
31355 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31357 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31361 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31362 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31363 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31364 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31365 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31366 agricultural industry.
31369 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31373 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31374 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31376 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31378 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31379 The first piece of luggage out of the
31380 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
31382 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31386 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31389 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31393 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31395 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31396 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31397 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31399 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31400 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31402 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31403 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31405 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31406 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
31407 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
31408 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31410 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31411 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31412 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31413 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31414 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31417 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31418 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31419 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31420 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31424 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31425 discovered to date.
31428 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31430 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31434 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31437 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31440 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31442 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31444 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31445 -- Miss November, 1966
31447 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31450 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31452 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31453 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31455 Life exists for no known purpose.
31457 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31458 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31459 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31460 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31463 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31464 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31465 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31467 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31468 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
31471 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
31472 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
31474 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
31475 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
31476 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
31477 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
31480 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
31482 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
31483 A medley of extemporania;
31484 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
31485 And I am Marie of Roumania.
31486 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
31488 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
31491 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
31493 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
31495 -- Charles Baudelaire
31497 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
31500 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
31501 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
31504 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
31506 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
31508 Life is an exciting business, and most
31509 exciting when it is lived for others.
31511 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
31513 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
31515 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
31517 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
31518 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
31520 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
31522 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
31524 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
31526 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
31529 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
31530 eat it nevertheless.
31533 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
31535 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
31537 Life is like a sewer.
31538 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
31541 Life is like a simile.
31543 Life is like a tin of sardines.
31544 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
31545 -- Beyond the Fringe
31547 Life is like an analogy
31549 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
31550 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
31552 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
31553 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
31556 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
31557 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
31560 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
31561 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
31562 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
31564 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
31565 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
31567 Life is not for everyone.
31569 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
31570 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
31572 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
31575 Life is the living you do,
31576 Death is the living you don't do.
31579 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
31581 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
31583 Life is too important to take seriously.
31586 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
31589 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
31592 Life is wasted on the living.
31593 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
31595 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
31596 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
31598 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
31601 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
31603 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31605 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
31606 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
31608 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
31609 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
31610 -- Dag Hammarskjold
31612 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
31613 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
31614 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
31615 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
31617 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
31618 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
31619 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
31620 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
31621 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
31622 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
31624 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
31627 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
31628 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
31630 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
31633 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
31634 weren't for other people.
31637 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
31640 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
31641 -- George Bernard Shaw
31643 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
31645 Lift every voice and sing
31646 Till earth and heaven ring,
31647 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31648 Let our rejoicing rise
31649 High as the listening skies,
31650 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31652 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31653 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31654 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31655 Let us march on till victory is won.
31656 -- James Weldon Johnson
31658 Lighten up, while you still can,
31659 Don't even try to understand,
31660 Just find a place to make your stand,
31662 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31665 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31666 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31669 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31671 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31672 the difference between one young woman and another.
31673 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31675 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31676 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31677 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31678 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31679 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31680 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31681 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31682 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31684 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31685 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31686 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31688 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31689 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31690 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31691 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31693 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31694 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31695 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31696 worst possible novel.
31698 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31699 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31700 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31701 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31702 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31703 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31704 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31705 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31706 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31707 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31708 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31709 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31710 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31711 You know I can't think straight no more
31712 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31713 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31714 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31716 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31717 weren't so damned great!
31718 -- Armistead Maupin
31720 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31721 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31722 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31723 like the Rolling Stones?
31724 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31725 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31727 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31728 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31729 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31730 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31731 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31735 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31737 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31738 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31739 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31741 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31742 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31745 Like the time I ran away...
31746 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31747 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31749 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31751 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31752 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31753 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31754 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31755 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31756 -- Senior Year Quote
31758 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31759 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31761 Q -- Is there life after death?
31762 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31763 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31764 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31765 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31766 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31767 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31768 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31769 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31770 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31773 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31774 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31775 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31777 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31778 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31780 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31781 Kennedy in November 1960.
31783 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31785 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31788 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31789 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31791 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31792 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31794 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31795 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31797 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
31799 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31801 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31802 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31804 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31805 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31808 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31809 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31810 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31811 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31813 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31814 Maybe we should think only about today.
31816 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31820 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31822 Lions in the street and roaming,
31823 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31824 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31825 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31827 Went down south across the border,
31828 Left the chaos and disorder
31829 Back there, over his shoulder.
31830 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31831 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31832 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31833 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31834 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31837 To call a spade a thpade.
31839 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31840 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31841 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31845 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31847 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31848 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31849 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31850 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31851 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31852 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31853 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31854 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31855 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31856 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31857 a panacea so alleged.
31858 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31859 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31860 facing up to the recession?"
31862 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31863 is the other way round.
31864 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31867 -- Ronald Macdonald
31870 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31871 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31872 Has brush'd away. And the want
31873 Of thought is death,
31875 A fly like thee? Then am I
31876 Or art not thou A happy fly
31877 A man like me? If I live
31882 Till some blind hand
31883 Shall brush my wing.
31884 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31886 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31889 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31890 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31892 Little Known Facts, #23:
31893 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31894 the BMW repair garage?
31896 Little Mary on the ice,
31897 Went out to have a frisk,
31898 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31901 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31902 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31904 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31907 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31909 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31911 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31912 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31913 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31915 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31918 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31919 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31920 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31922 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31923 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31925 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31926 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31928 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31931 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31932 to want things that nobody else wants.
31935 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31936 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31938 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31939 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31942 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31944 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31945 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31946 Don't you envy people who
31947 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31949 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31950 -- Henry David Thoreau
31952 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31953 interest rates, we don't need it."
31956 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31957 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31958 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31959 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31960 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31961 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31962 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31963 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31964 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31965 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31966 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31967 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31968 you and your friends will be, too.
31969 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31970 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31972 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31973 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31974 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31976 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31979 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31981 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
31983 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
31985 Logicians have but ill defined
31986 As rational the human kind.
31987 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
31988 But let them prove it if they can.
31989 -- Oliver Goldsmith
31993 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
31996 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
31997 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
31998 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
31999 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32000 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32001 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32002 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32003 Bulletin Board System).
32005 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32006 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32007 -- '80 Microcomputing
32009 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32011 Lonely is a man without love.
32012 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32014 Lonely men seek companionship.
32015 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32022 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32024 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32026 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32027 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32028 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32029 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32031 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32033 Long life is in store for you.
32035 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32036 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32037 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32038 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32040 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32042 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32044 Look at it this way:
32045 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32046 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32047 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32049 Look at it this way:
32050 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32051 forget $26,000 of college education.
32052 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32054 Look before you leap.
32060 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32062 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32063 to pay income taxes, too?
32064 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32066 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32067 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32071 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32072 -- Stephen Sondheim
32074 Loose bits sink chips.
32076 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32077 -- Charles D'Hericault
32079 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32080 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32082 Losing your drivers' license is just
32083 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32085 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32086 Answers to electric can opener.
32088 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32090 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32092 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32095 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32096 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32098 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32101 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32102 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32104 Fine little girl she waits for me
32105 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32106 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32107 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32108 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32109 I smell the rose in her hair
32110 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32111 It won't be long, me see my love
32112 I take her in my arms and then
32113 Me tell her I never leave again
32114 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32117 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32120 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32123 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32124 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32127 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32130 When you don't want someone too close--
32131 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32134 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32136 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32138 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32140 Love America - or give it back.
32142 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32144 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32145 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32147 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32150 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32151 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32153 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32154 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32155 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32157 Love is a grave mental disease.
32160 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32163 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32164 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32165 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32167 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32168 Hate is a word that is not.
32169 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32170 Love, I have read, is hot.
32171 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32172 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32173 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32174 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32177 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32178 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32179 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32181 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32182 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32185 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32188 Love is being stupid together.
32191 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32192 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32193 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32195 Love is in the offing.
32196 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32198 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32200 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32201 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32202 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32206 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32207 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32209 Love is never asking why?
32211 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32213 Love is sentimental measles.
32215 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32217 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32218 raises some pretty good questions.
32221 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32224 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32225 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32226 -- Charles Baudelaire
32228 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32231 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32234 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32237 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32239 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32242 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32244 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32245 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32247 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32250 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32251 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32253 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32255 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32256 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32258 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32259 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32261 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32263 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32264 -- Krainian Proverb
32266 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32268 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32271 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32273 Love to eat them mousies,
32274 Mousies I love to eat.
32275 Bite they little heads off,
32276 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32279 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32280 seized this one for the fair form
32281 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32282 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32283 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32284 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32285 Love brought us to one death.
32286 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32288 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
32289 trying to figure out what you're up to.
32291 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32292 -- Benjamin Franklin
32295 If it jams -- force it. If it
32296 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32298 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32300 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32301 There's always one more bug.
32303 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32304 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32305 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32306 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32307 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32308 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32310 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32313 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32317 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32318 lighter -- both of which work.
32320 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32322 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32323 Can't you be serious for once?
32324 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32325 of the more important things in life!
32329 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32330 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32332 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32333 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32335 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32338 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32340 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32342 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32344 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32345 Does not run on any existing machine.
32347 Machine-independent program:
32348 A program that will not run on any machine.
32350 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32351 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32354 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32357 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32361 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32363 Macho does not prove mucho.
32367 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32368 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32370 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
32371 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32375 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32377 Madness takes its toll.
32380 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32381 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32382 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32383 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32384 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32385 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32386 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32387 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32388 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32389 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32390 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32391 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32392 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32393 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32394 entire nodal aggravations.
32395 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32397 Magary's Principle:
32398 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32399 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32400 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32402 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32404 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32406 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32408 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32409 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32410 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32412 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32415 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32417 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32420 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32421 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32425 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32428 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32429 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32430 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32431 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32432 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32433 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32434 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32435 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32438 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32439 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32440 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32441 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32444 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32445 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32448 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32449 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32450 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32451 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32454 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32456 Maintainer's Motto:
32457 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32459 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32460 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
32461 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
32464 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
32466 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32468 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32470 Secondary Conclusion:
32471 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
32472 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
32474 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
32477 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32479 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32480 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32482 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
32486 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
32488 Make a wish, it might come true.
32490 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
32492 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
32494 Make it right before you make it faster.
32496 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
32497 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
32499 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
32501 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
32503 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
32504 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
32505 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
32506 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
32507 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
32510 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
32513 The reason surgeons wear masks.
32515 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
32518 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
32520 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
32522 Man and wife make one fool.
32524 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
32525 -- Wernher von Braun
32527 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
32528 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
32529 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
32530 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
32531 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
32532 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32534 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
32537 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
32539 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
32542 Man is a military animal,
32543 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
32546 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
32547 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
32550 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
32551 no dog exchanges bones with another.
32554 Man is by nature a political animal.
32557 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
32558 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
32559 -- Wernher von Braun
32561 Man is the measure of all things.
32564 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
32567 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
32568 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
32569 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
32571 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
32572 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
32573 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
32576 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
32577 -- Arthur R. Miller
32580 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
32581 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
32582 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
32583 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
32584 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
32585 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32587 Man proposes, God disposes.
32590 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
32594 Man who arrives at party two hours late
32595 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
32597 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
32599 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
32601 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
32603 Man will never fly.
32604 Space travel is merely a dream.
32605 All aspirin is alike.
32607 Management: How many feet do mice have?
32608 Reply: Mice have four feet.
32610 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
32611 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
32612 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
32613 M: What? Feet with no legs?
32614 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
32615 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
32616 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
32617 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
32618 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
32619 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
32620 is not equipped with a foot.
32621 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
32622 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
32623 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
32624 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
32625 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
32626 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
32627 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
32628 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
32629 ornamental in nature.
32630 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
32631 R: Mice have four feet.
32634 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
32637 A man known for giving great meeting.
32639 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
32640 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
32641 don't think, right?"
32645 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
32648 Easy glum, easy glow.
32650 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32653 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32654 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32655 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32656 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32659 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32660 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32661 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32664 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32667 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32669 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32671 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32672 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32673 -- Sydney J. Harris
32676 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32677 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32678 you need is in the others.
32681 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32684 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32686 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32687 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32688 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32690 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32691 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32692 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32694 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32695 can easily support two or more.
32697 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32698 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32699 -- George D. Prentice
32701 Many are called, few are chosen.
32702 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32704 Many are called, few volunteer.
32706 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32708 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32710 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32711 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32712 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32713 their data processing systems.
32714 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32716 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32717 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32718 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32719 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32720 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32721 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32723 Many hands make light work.
32726 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32728 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32729 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32730 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32731 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32732 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32733 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32734 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32735 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32736 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32737 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32738 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32740 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32741 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32742 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32744 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32745 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32746 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32748 Many pages make a thick book.
32750 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32753 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32754 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32756 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32758 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32760 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32762 Many people feel that if you won't let
32763 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32765 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32766 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32768 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32770 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32771 -- Bertrand Russell
32773 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32775 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32778 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
32779 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32780 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32781 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
32784 Margaret, are you grieving
32785 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32786 Leaves, like the things of man,
32787 You, with your fresh thoughts
32789 Ah! as the heart grows older
32790 It will come to such sights colder
32791 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32792 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32793 And yet you will weep and know why.
32794 Now no matter, child, the name
32795 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32796 It is the blight man was born for,
32797 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32798 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32802 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32803 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32805 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32806 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32808 Rose, any color: Love
32809 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32810 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32811 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32812 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32813 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32814 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32815 Rosemary: Remembrance
32816 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32817 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32818 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32819 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32820 Violet, white: Modesty
32821 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32822 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32824 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32826 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32827 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32828 it in order to protect themselves.
32831 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32832 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32833 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32836 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32837 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32838 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32843 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32844 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32847 Marriage causes dating problems.
32849 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32852 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32854 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32855 not ready for an institution yet.
32858 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32859 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32862 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32864 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32865 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32868 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32869 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32871 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32872 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32874 -- George Jean Nathan
32876 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32878 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32879 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32881 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32884 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
32885 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
32888 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32891 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32892 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32894 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32899 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32902 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32904 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32905 connected by a thin strand.
32907 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32908 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32910 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32911 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32912 territory from invasion by another group."
32914 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32915 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32917 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32918 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32919 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32921 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32922 -- George Bernard Shaw
32924 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32925 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32927 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32928 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32929 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32930 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32931 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32932 named a drink Fred?"
32934 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32935 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32937 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32938 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32939 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32940 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32941 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32942 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32943 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32944 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32945 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32946 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32947 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32948 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32952 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32954 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32955 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32957 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32960 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32961 you treat everything like a nail.
32963 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32964 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32966 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32968 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32969 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32972 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32973 -- Christopher Hampton
32975 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32978 Mater artium necessitas.
32979 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32981 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
32984 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
32985 Please, don't drink and derive.
32992 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
32996 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
32998 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
32999 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33000 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33002 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33003 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33005 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33008 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33011 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33013 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33014 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33017 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33018 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33021 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33022 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33023 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33024 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33025 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33026 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33027 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33028 -- Bertrand Russell
33030 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33032 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33034 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33035 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33037 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33039 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33040 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33041 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33044 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33048 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33050 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33051 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33053 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33055 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33057 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33059 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33061 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33063 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33065 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33066 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33067 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33069 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33071 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33073 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33075 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33076 a full moon on a dark night,
33077 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33079 May you live in uninteresting times.
33082 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33084 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33086 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33087 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33089 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33090 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33093 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33096 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33097 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33100 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
33102 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33103 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33104 had to seek professional help.
33106 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33107 these days you can certainly charge it.
33110 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33111 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33113 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33115 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33116 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33117 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33119 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33120 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33124 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33125 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33128 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33129 just like everyone else.
33131 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33132 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33133 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33134 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33135 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33136 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33137 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33138 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33139 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33140 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33141 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33142 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33143 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33144 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33145 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33146 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33147 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33148 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33150 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33151 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33152 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33153 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33154 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33155 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33156 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33157 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33158 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33159 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33160 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33161 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33162 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33163 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33166 Measure twice, cut once.
33168 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33171 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33173 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33176 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33177 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33180 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33182 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33183 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33184 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33188 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33189 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33192 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33193 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33196 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33197 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33198 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33199 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33201 I guess some things never leave you.
33202 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
33204 Memory fault -- brain fried
33206 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33208 Memory fault - where am I?
33210 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33212 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33215 Men are superior to women.
33218 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33221 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33222 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33225 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33228 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33229 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33232 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33233 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33236 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33238 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33240 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33241 from religious conviction.
33242 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
33244 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33247 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33248 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33249 -- Winston Churchill
33251 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33252 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33254 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33256 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33257 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33259 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33260 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33261 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33262 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33263 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33264 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33265 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
33267 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33270 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33272 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33274 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33275 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33277 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33278 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33281 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33282 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
33283 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
33284 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33285 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33287 Men who cherish for women the highest
33288 respect are seldom popular with them.
33291 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33292 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33294 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33295 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33296 cork makes when it is popped.
33298 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33299 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33301 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33302 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33303 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33304 can never hope to acquire it.
33306 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
33308 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33309 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33310 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33313 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33314 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33318 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33321 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33324 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33326 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33328 Message will arrive in the mail.
33329 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33332 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33333 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33335 Metermaids eat their young.
33337 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33338 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33339 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33340 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33341 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33342 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33343 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33344 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33345 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33346 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33347 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33348 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33349 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33350 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33351 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33352 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33353 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33354 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33355 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33356 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33357 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33358 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33359 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33360 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33361 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33362 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33363 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33364 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33366 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33372 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33374 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33376 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33377 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33379 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33381 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33383 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
33384 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33387 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33388 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33390 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33393 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33395 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33397 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33400 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33404 Lose a few, lose a few.
33407 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33409 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
33410 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33413 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
33414 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
33415 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
33416 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
33417 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
33418 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
33419 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
33420 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
33421 the gold and the black.
33422 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33424 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
33425 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
33426 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
33427 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
33428 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
33429 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
33431 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33433 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33436 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33440 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33441 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33442 come fall in love with a loon.
33443 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33444 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33445 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33446 where the elite meet sleet.
33447 glove it or leave it.
33448 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33449 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33450 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33452 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33454 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33455 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
33458 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
33460 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
33463 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
33465 Misery no longer loves company.
33466 Nowadays it insists on it.
33470 The kind of fortune that never misses.
33471 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33473 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
33476 A title with which we brand unmarried
33477 women to indicate that they are in the market.
33478 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33480 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
33482 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
33485 The Georgia Tech of the North
33487 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
33488 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
33489 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
33491 Mittsquinter, adj.:
33492 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
33493 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
33494 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33496 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
33497 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
33501 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
33502 With five empty seats.
33505 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
33506 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
33508 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
33510 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
33511 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
33512 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
33513 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
33516 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
33517 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
33518 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
33519 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
33520 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
33521 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
33522 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
33523 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
33524 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
33526 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
33530 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
33531 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
33533 Moderation in all things.
33534 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
33536 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
33539 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
33540 themselves that they have a better idea.
33543 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
33545 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
33546 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
33547 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
33548 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
33549 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
33550 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
33551 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
33552 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
33553 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
33554 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
33555 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
33556 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
33559 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
33561 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
33564 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
33565 not to be aware of it.
33568 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
33569 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
33571 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
33573 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
33574 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
33576 Moebius always does it on the same side.
33578 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
33580 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
33581 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
33582 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
33584 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
33585 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
33586 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
33587 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
33588 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
33589 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
33590 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
33591 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
33592 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
33593 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
33594 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
33595 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
33598 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
33599 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
33600 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
33601 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
33602 the atom in that it is an ion...
33603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33605 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
33606 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
33607 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
33610 What you give a person when they are going away.
33612 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
33615 When they finally do have to take you to the
33616 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
33618 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
33621 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
33622 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33625 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
33626 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33628 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
33630 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33632 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
33636 but is excellent kindling.
33638 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
33639 Is a keen observer of life,
33640 The word intellectual suggests right away
33641 A man who's untrue to his wife.
33642 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33644 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33645 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33648 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33649 -- Christopher Marlowe
33651 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33654 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33657 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33659 Money is its own reward.
33661 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33663 Money is the root of all wealth.
33665 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33668 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33669 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33671 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33673 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33674 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33676 Money will say more in one moment than
33677 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33679 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33682 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33686 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33689 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33692 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33694 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33695 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33696 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33697 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33700 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33701 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33704 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33705 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33708 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33710 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33713 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33714 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33718 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33721 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33723 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33725 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33726 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33727 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33728 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33729 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33730 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33731 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33732 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33733 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33735 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33736 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33737 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33738 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33740 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33741 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33742 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33743 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33745 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33746 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33747 I just want to win one little lottery."
33748 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33749 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33752 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33754 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33755 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33756 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33758 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33759 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33760 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33763 The state bird of New Jersey.
33765 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33767 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33768 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33769 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33770 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33771 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33772 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33773 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33774 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33775 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33776 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33777 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33780 Most folks they like the daytime,
33781 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33782 They're up in the morning,
33783 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33784 But when the sun goes down,
33785 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33787 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33788 and one of them is always night.
33789 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33790 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33791 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33792 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33794 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33797 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33800 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33801 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33803 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33804 difficulties before we get to them.
33807 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33808 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33809 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33810 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33811 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33812 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33813 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33814 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33815 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33816 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33818 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33820 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33822 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33823 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33824 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33828 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33830 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33834 Most people deserve each other.
33837 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33838 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33840 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33843 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33845 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33846 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33847 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33850 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33852 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33853 a good reason, and the real reason.
33855 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33856 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33859 Most people need some of their problems
33860 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33862 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33864 Most people want either less corruption
33865 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33867 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33868 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33870 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33872 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33874 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33875 can't talk for people who can't read.
33878 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33880 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33886 Mother Earth is not flat!
33888 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33891 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33893 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33896 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
33898 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33899 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33902 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33903 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33904 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33906 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33908 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33910 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33914 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33915 population is growing.
33917 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33918 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33919 shirts but they're going back.
33921 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33922 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33924 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33925 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33926 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33928 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33929 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33932 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33933 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33934 wrong, "Up to a point."
33935 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33936 Yokohama isn't it?"
33937 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33938 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33939 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33940 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33942 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33945 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33946 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33949 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33950 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33951 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33953 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33954 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33955 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33957 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33958 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33959 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33960 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33961 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33963 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33964 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33965 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33966 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33967 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33968 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33969 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33970 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33972 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33974 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33975 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33976 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33977 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33978 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33979 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33980 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33981 as much fun to watch.
33982 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
33985 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
33987 Mummy dust to make me old;
33988 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
33989 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
33990 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
33991 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
33992 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
33993 Now begin thy magic spell!
33994 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
33997 -- Miguel de Cervantes
33999 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34000 -- Xaviera Hollander
34002 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34004 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34005 talk about after dinner.
34006 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34008 Murphy was an optimist.
34010 Murphy's Discovery:
34011 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34012 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34013 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34016 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34018 Murphy's Law of Research:
34019 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34021 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34022 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34025 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34026 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34027 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34030 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34032 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34035 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34037 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34038 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34041 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34042 long it has become a science project.
34043 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34045 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34046 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34048 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34049 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34050 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34051 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34052 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34054 And you know two heads are better than one.
34056 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34057 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34058 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34059 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34060 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34061 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34062 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34063 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34064 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34065 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34066 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34067 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34069 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34071 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34073 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34074 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34076 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34077 The height of its contents to see!
34078 She lit a small match to assist her,
34079 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34081 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34082 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34083 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34084 a bulls-eye on the back.
34086 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34087 said, "So will you."
34088 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34090 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34093 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
34094 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34097 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34098 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34099 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34100 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34101 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34102 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34103 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34104 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34105 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34106 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34108 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34109 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34111 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34112 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34113 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34114 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34115 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34116 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34117 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34118 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34119 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34121 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34122 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34124 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34126 My darling wife was always glum.
34127 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34128 And so made sure that she would stay
34129 In better spirits night and day.
34131 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34132 Unless there are three other people.
34135 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34137 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34138 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34142 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34145 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34146 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34147 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34149 My father taught me three things:
34150 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34151 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34152 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34154 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34155 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34158 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34161 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34162 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34163 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34165 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34166 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34167 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34168 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34169 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34170 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34171 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34172 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34174 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34175 but they were there to meet the boat.
34177 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34178 later I can ask him what he meant.
34181 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34182 but always, always, he was right.
34184 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34185 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34186 back and dig her up.
34188 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34189 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34190 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34191 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34192 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34194 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34196 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34198 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34200 My interest is in the future because I am
34201 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34203 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34206 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34207 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34208 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34209 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34210 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34211 As the fragrance of acacia.
34212 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34213 And I wish he were in Asia.
34214 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34216 My love runs by like a day in June,
34217 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34218 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34219 In the pathway or the morrows.
34220 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34221 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34222 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34223 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34224 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34226 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34227 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34228 -- George Bernard Shaw
34230 My mind can never know my body, although
34231 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34232 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34234 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34237 My mother loved children -- she would
34238 have given anything if I had been one.
34241 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34242 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34243 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34244 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34246 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34250 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34251 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34252 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34253 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34255 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34256 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34257 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34258 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34261 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34263 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34264 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34266 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34267 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34268 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34270 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34272 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34275 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34276 And he cares not what comes after.
34277 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34278 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34279 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34280 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34281 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34282 And I wish I'd never met him.
34283 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34285 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34286 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34287 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34288 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34289 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34290 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34291 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34292 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34293 -- James A. Michener
34295 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34297 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34298 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34299 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34300 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34303 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34306 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34309 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34312 My rackets are run on strictly American
34313 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34316 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34317 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34318 with our frail and feeble mind.
34321 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34322 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34323 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34324 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34325 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34326 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34327 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34328 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34329 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34330 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34331 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34332 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34333 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34334 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34337 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34338 reason to limit myself.
34341 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34342 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34344 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34345 I do not like me anymore,
34346 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34347 I ponder on the narrow house
34348 I shudder at the thought of men
34349 I'm due to fall in love again.
34350 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34352 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34353 -- Christopher Morley
34355 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34358 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34359 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34362 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34364 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34365 -- Booth Tarkington
34368 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
34369 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34370 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34371 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34373 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34374 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34375 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34377 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34379 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34380 "So, how's your daughter?"
34381 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34382 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34383 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34384 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34387 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34389 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34392 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34395 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34398 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34400 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34402 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34403 -- The Mad Palindromist
34405 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34407 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34409 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34411 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34412 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34414 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34416 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
34417 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
34418 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
34421 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
34422 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
34423 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
34424 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
34425 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
34426 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
34427 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
34430 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
34431 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
34434 "Have you ever seen me before?"
34436 "Then how do you know it was me?"
34438 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
34440 "Why?", he was asked.
34441 "Because at night we need the light more."
34443 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
34444 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
34445 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
34446 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
34448 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
34450 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
34451 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
34452 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
34454 Natural laws have no pity.
34456 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
34457 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
34458 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
34459 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
34460 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
34461 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
34462 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
34466 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
34467 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
34468 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
34472 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
34473 -- Clare Booth Luce
34475 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
34477 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
34478 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
34480 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
34481 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
34483 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
34485 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
34487 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
34488 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
34491 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
34492 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
34495 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
34496 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
34497 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
34498 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
34499 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
34500 The solid power of understanding fails;
34501 Where beams of warm imagination play,
34502 The memory's soft figures melt away.
34503 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
34505 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
34508 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
34509 On the Rue des Ecoles
34512 Every evening I would see him
34513 guiding the dog along
34514 the sidewalk, keeping
34515 a firm grip on the leash
34516 so that the dog wouldn't
34517 run into a passerby
34518 Sometimes the dog would stop
34519 and look up at the sky
34521 noticed me watching the dog
34522 and he said, "Oh, yes,
34524 when the moon is out,
34525 he can feel it on his face"
34528 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
34529 want to test a man's character, give him power.
34532 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
34533 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
34536 Necessity has no law.
34539 Necessity hath no law.
34542 Necessity is a mother.
34544 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
34545 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
34546 -- Alfred North Whitehead
34548 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
34549 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
34550 -- William Pitt, 1783
34552 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
34555 Needs are a function of what other people have.
34557 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
34560 Neil Armstrong tripped.
34562 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
34564 Nemo me impune lacessit
34565 [No one provokes me with impunity]
34566 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
34569 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
34570 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
34571 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
34574 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
34578 Melancholia's blue.
34582 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
34583 Psychotics live in them,
34584 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
34586 Neutrinos are into physicists.
34588 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
34591 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
34592 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
34593 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
34595 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
34598 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
34599 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
34602 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
34604 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
34606 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
34608 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
34611 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
34612 Professionals built the Titanic.
34614 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
34616 Never buy from a rich salesman.
34619 Never buy what you do not want
34620 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
34621 -- Thomas Jefferson
34623 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
34625 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
34627 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
34629 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
34631 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
34635 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
34637 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
34638 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
34639 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
34640 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
34642 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
34644 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
34645 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
34646 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34648 Never eat more than you can lift.
34651 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34652 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34654 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34655 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34658 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34661 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34663 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34665 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34667 Never give an inch!
34669 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
34672 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34673 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34675 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34678 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34681 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34683 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34685 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34688 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34691 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34693 Never laugh at live dragons.
34696 Never leave anything to chance;
34697 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34699 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34702 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34703 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34705 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34707 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34708 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34710 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34713 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34715 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34716 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34718 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34720 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34722 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34724 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34725 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34727 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34729 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34731 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34733 Never promise more than you can perform.
34736 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34739 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34741 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34743 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34744 law against it by that time.
34746 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34750 Never reveal your best argument.
34752 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34754 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34756 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34758 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34761 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34763 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34765 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34767 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34768 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34769 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34770 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34773 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34775 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34776 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34777 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34779 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34782 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34784 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34786 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34788 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34791 Never trust an operating system.
34793 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34795 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34797 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34801 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34803 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34804 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34806 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34807 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34809 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34810 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34812 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34814 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34817 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34818 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34820 Never volunteer for anything.
34823 Never worry about theory as long as the
34824 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34825 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34828 Different color from previous model.
34830 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34832 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34834 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34835 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34837 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34838 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34840 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34841 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34844 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34845 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34846 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34848 New systems generate new problems.
34850 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34851 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34852 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34854 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34856 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34857 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34860 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34861 Flyin' in from London to your door
34862 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34863 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34865 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34867 New York's got the ways and means;
34868 Just won't let you be.
34869 -- The Grateful Dead
34872 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34873 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34875 Newman's Discovery:
34876 Your best dreams may not come true;
34877 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34880 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34881 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34886 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34887 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34890 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34894 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34896 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34897 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34899 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34900 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34902 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34905 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34907 Nice guys finish last.
34910 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34913 Nice guys get sick.
34915 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34916 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34918 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34920 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34921 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34922 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34924 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34926 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34927 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34928 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34929 but Americans call him by value.
34931 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34932 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34933 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34934 Three megs for system source;
34936 One disk to rule them all,
34937 One disk to bind them,
34938 One disk to hold the files
34939 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34941 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34942 And tapes without any tracks;
34943 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34944 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34945 Take hold of the tape
34946 And pull off the strip,
34947 And then you'll be sure
34948 Your tape drive will skip.
34950 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34952 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34955 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34956 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34959 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34960 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34961 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34963 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34964 that be and their friends hang out.
34967 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34968 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34969 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34970 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34972 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34975 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
34977 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
34979 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
34980 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
34983 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
34987 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
34988 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
34990 No character, however upright, is a match for
34991 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
34992 -- Alexander Hamilton
34994 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
34995 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
34996 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
34997 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
34999 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35000 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35001 effectively under such difficult conditions.
35002 -- Laurence J. Peter
35006 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35007 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35008 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35010 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35011 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35013 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35016 No evil can happen to a good man.
35019 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35022 No extensible language will be universal.
35025 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35026 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35029 No good deed goes unpunished.
35030 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35032 No group of professionals meets except to
35033 conspire against the public at large.
35036 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35037 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35038 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35042 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35043 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35046 No, his mind is not for rent
35047 To any god or government.
35048 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35049 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35052 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35054 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35055 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35056 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35058 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35059 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35061 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35062 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35063 and Telegraph Company.
35064 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35067 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35070 No job too big; no fee too big!
35071 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
35073 No line available at 300 baud.
35075 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35076 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35077 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35078 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35079 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35080 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35081 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35082 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35087 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35088 interest in hair restorers.
35091 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35093 -- Channing Pollock
35095 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35096 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35097 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35098 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35099 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35100 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35101 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35103 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35105 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35107 No man is useless who has a friend,
35108 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35109 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35111 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35114 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35115 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35118 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35119 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35122 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35123 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35124 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35128 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35130 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35132 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35133 signs of improvement.
35134 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35136 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35139 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35141 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35142 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35144 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35146 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35147 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35149 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35150 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35153 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35154 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35157 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35158 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35159 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35160 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35161 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35162 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35163 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35165 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35166 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35168 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35170 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35171 dirty little beast.
35174 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35175 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35177 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35179 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35181 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35183 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35184 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35186 No one knows like a woman how to say
35187 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35190 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35193 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35196 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35199 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35200 one who's giving it.
35203 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35204 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35206 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35207 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35211 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35212 For this isn't really the norm.
35213 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35214 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35216 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35217 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35218 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35219 Cast even more perils before swine.
35221 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35222 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35223 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35224 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35226 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35227 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35228 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35229 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35231 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35232 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35233 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35234 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35237 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35238 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35239 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35240 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35242 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35243 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35244 their wish has been granted.
35245 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35247 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35249 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35252 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35254 "No program is perfect,"
35255 They said with a shrug.
35256 "The customer's happy--
35257 What's one little bug?"
35259 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35260 The others went home. As year followed year.
35261 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35262 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35264 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35265 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35266 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35267 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35269 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35270 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35271 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35272 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35273 -- The Perfect Programmer
35275 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35276 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35277 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
35278 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
35279 indication-applied occurrence.
35282 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35284 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35285 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35288 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35289 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35292 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
35294 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35295 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35297 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35299 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35300 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35303 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35305 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35306 Finished his old Raven,
35307 then he started his Old Crow.
35309 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35312 No spitting on the Bus!
35313 Thank you, The Management.
35315 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35318 No two persons ever read the same book.
35321 No use getting too involved in life --
35322 you're only here for a limited time.
35324 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35327 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
35328 she will or will not be a mother.
35329 -- Margaret H. Sanger
35331 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35332 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
35334 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35335 him than he deserves.
35336 -- Edgar Watson Howe
35338 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35339 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35341 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35343 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35345 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
35346 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
35347 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
35348 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
35349 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
35350 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
35351 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
35352 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
35353 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
35354 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
35355 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
35356 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
35357 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
35358 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
35359 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
35360 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
35361 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
35362 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
35363 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
35364 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
35365 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
35368 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35370 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
35372 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35374 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35376 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35379 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35381 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35383 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35384 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35385 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35386 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35387 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35388 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35391 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35393 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35397 Everybody hates me,
35398 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35399 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35400 Eat their insides out,
35401 And throw way the skins.
35402 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35403 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35404 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35406 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35407 And then it's too late.
35409 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35412 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35413 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35414 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35416 Only Capone kills like that.
35417 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35419 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35420 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35422 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
35423 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
35424 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
35427 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35428 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35430 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35431 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35433 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35434 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35436 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35437 coming in late and lying about it.
35441 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35442 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35446 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35450 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35454 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35456 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35459 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35461 None love the bearer of bad news.
35464 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35465 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35466 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35467 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35468 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35469 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35470 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35471 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35472 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
35474 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
35475 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35476 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35478 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
35481 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
35484 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
35486 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
35488 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
35489 intentions. He had money as well.
35490 -- Margaret Thatcher
35492 Norm: Hey, everybody.
35493 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
35494 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
35496 How are you feeling today, Norm?
35497 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
35498 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
35500 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
35501 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
35503 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
35505 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
35506 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
35507 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
35509 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
35510 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
35512 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
35513 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
35514 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
35516 Coach: How's life, Norm?
35517 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
35518 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
35520 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
35522 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
35523 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
35524 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
35526 Coach: What's up, Normie?
35527 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
35528 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
35530 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
35532 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35534 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
35536 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
35537 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
35538 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
35539 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
35541 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
35542 Norm: Elope with my wife.
35543 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35545 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
35546 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
35547 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
35551 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
35552 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
35553 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35555 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
35556 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
35557 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
35558 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
35560 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
35561 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
35562 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
35564 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
35566 Coach: What's up, Norm?
35567 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
35568 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35570 Sam: What's new, Normie?
35571 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
35572 They're demanding beer.
35573 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
35575 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
35576 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
35577 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
35579 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
35580 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
35582 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
35584 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
35585 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
35586 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
35588 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
35589 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
35590 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
35591 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
35593 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
35595 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
35596 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
35597 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
35599 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
35601 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
35603 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
35605 Not all men who drink are poets.
35606 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
35608 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
35609 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
35611 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
35612 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
35614 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
35615 the capitalist mode of production.
35618 Not every question deserves an answer.
35620 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
35622 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
35623 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
35624 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
35625 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
35626 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
35627 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
35628 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
35629 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
35630 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
35631 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
35633 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
35636 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
35637 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
35638 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
35640 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
35641 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
35643 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
35646 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
35647 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
35648 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
35650 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
35653 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
35654 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
35655 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
35657 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
35658 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35659 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35660 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35661 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35662 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35663 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35664 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35665 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35666 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35667 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35668 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35669 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35670 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35672 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35674 Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35675 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35677 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35679 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35680 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35681 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35682 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35683 not to make any poultry jokes.
35686 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35687 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35689 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35692 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35694 Nothing endures but change.
35696 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35698 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35699 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35702 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35703 -- Winston Churchill
35705 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35706 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35709 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35711 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35713 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35714 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35715 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35717 Nothing is but what is not.
35719 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35721 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35723 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35724 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35726 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35728 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35731 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35734 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35735 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35738 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35740 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35741 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35742 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35744 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35745 -- Michel de Montaigne
35747 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35748 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35750 Nothing lasts forever.
35751 Where do I find nothing?
35753 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35755 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35756 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35759 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35762 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35763 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35765 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35766 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35767 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35768 which can be offered to a personality.
35769 -- Soren Kierkegaard
35771 Nothing recedes like success.
35774 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35775 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35778 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35781 Nothing succeeds like success.
35784 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35785 -- Christopher Lascl
35787 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35790 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35791 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35792 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35793 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35794 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35795 She got from trying to fight
35796 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35798 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35799 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35800 She said it before, she said it to me,
35801 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35802 But the same old four imaginary walls
35803 She'd built for livin' inside
35804 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35806 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35807 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35808 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35809 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35810 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35811 The veil that covered her eyes,
35812 I said oh, you can leave it.
35813 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35815 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35818 Nothing will ever be attempted
35819 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35823 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35824 be summarily put out.
35828 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35830 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35832 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
35833 French for "not enough food".
35835 Continental breakfast, n:
35836 English for "not enough food".
35839 Spanish for "not enough food".
35842 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35845 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35848 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35850 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35851 not better, just different.
35853 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35855 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35856 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35857 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35859 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35860 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35861 If he should stop before I wake,
35862 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35865 Now I lay me down to sleep
35866 I pray the double lock will keep;
35867 May no brick through the window break,
35868 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35870 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35871 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35872 If I should die before I wake,
35873 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35875 Now I lay me down to study,
35876 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35877 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35878 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35879 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35880 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35881 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35882 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35884 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35887 Now is the time for drinking;
35888 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35889 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35891 Now it's time to say goodbye
35892 To all our company...
35893 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35894 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35897 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35898 Twenty will not come again,
35899 And take from seventy springs a score,
35900 It leaves me only fifty more.
35902 And since to look at things in bloom
35903 Fifty springs are little room,
35904 About the woodlands I will go
35905 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35908 Now that day wearies me,
35910 Will receive more kindly,
35911 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35913 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35914 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35916 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35918 And my soul, unguarded,
35919 Would soar on widespread wings,
35920 To live in night's magical sphere
35921 More profoundly, more variously.
35922 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35924 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35925 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35926 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35927 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35929 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35930 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35931 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35932 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35933 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35934 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35935 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35937 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35939 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35940 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35941 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35942 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35944 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35945 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35946 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35948 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35949 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35952 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35954 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35957 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35958 the next freeway exit.
35960 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35961 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35962 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35963 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35964 We see him and he's all washed up --
35965 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35966 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35967 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35969 Death and Money make their point once more
35970 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35971 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35972 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35973 Have the courage of the here and now
35974 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35975 When you think you got it paid in full
35976 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
35977 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35978 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
35979 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35980 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
35981 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
35983 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
35984 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
35985 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
35986 Times, June 10, 1955.
35988 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
35991 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
35994 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
35995 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
35996 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
35998 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
36001 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36003 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36005 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36007 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36009 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36012 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36014 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36015 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36016 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36017 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36020 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36021 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36022 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36023 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36025 O! If I were a fish
36026 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36027 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36030 For fish don't ever mish;
36031 They needn't flush after they pish!
36032 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36033 For all the fish!!!
36036 Where the buffalo roam,
36037 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36038 Where seldom is heard
36039 A discouraging word,
36040 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36042 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36043 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36046 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36047 To use it like a giant.
36048 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36050 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36051 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36053 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36054 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36055 Might we not smash it to bits
36056 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36057 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
36061 Objects are lost only because people
36062 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36065 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36067 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36068 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36069 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36071 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36074 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36077 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36078 To activate its captivation,
36079 Deposit on its termination,
36080 A quantity of particles saline.
36082 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36084 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
36085 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36086 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36087 of the grandstands.
36089 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36092 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36093 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36096 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36097 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36098 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36099 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36100 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36101 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36104 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36105 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36107 Odets, where is thy sting?
36108 -- George S. Kaufman
36110 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36112 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36113 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36116 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36117 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36119 -- Thomas L. Martin
36121 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36124 Of all the words of witch's doom
36125 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36126 The man who kills both which and whom
36127 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36130 Of all things man is the measure.
36133 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36136 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36137 if you don't know them too well.
36138 -- Charles Bukowski
36140 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36141 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36144 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36145 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36147 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36149 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36150 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36153 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36154 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36156 Official Project Stages:
36157 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36159 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36161 5. Search for the Guilty
36162 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36163 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36165 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36166 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36168 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36171 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36173 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36175 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36178 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36180 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36181 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36182 And isn't your life extremely flat
36183 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36185 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36186 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36187 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36188 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36190 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36191 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36192 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36193 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36195 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36196 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36197 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36198 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36200 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36201 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36202 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36203 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36205 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36206 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36207 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36208 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36209 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36211 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36213 Oh, give me a home,
36214 Where the buffalo roam,
36215 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36217 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36218 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36219 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36220 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36221 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
36222 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36223 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36224 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36225 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36226 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36227 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36228 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36229 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36230 And living up here is a bore.
36231 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36232 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36234 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36235 Where the space debris always collects,
36236 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36237 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36238 -- to Home on the Range
36240 Oh give me your pity!
36241 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36242 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36243 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36245 We confer and concur,
36246 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36247 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36248 And consider a load of reports.
36250 We compose and propose,
36251 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36252 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36253 There's terribly little gets done.
36255 We resolve and absolve;
36256 But we never dissolve,
36257 Since it's out of the question for us
36258 To bring our committee
36259 To end like this ditty,
36260 Which stops with a period, thus.
36261 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36263 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36264 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36265 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36266 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36267 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36268 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36269 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36270 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36271 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36272 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36273 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36274 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36275 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36276 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36277 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36279 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36280 I muck with indices and structs all day
36281 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36282 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36284 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36285 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36286 Shooting up my veins,
36287 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36288 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36289 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36290 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36291 -- To 'If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz"
36293 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36294 be irresponsible, too.
36297 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36298 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36299 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36300 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36301 You have not dreamed of --
36302 Wheeled and soared and swung
36303 High in the sunlit silence.
36305 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36306 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36307 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36308 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36309 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36310 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36311 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36312 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36313 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
36315 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36316 From a typical American town.
36317 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36318 And keeping old Castro down.
36319 And when it came my time to serve
36320 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36321 But when I got to my old draft board,
36322 Buddy, this is what I said:
36325 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36326 And I always carry a purse!
36327 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36328 And my asthma's getting worse!
36329 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36330 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36331 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36332 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36333 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36335 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36336 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36337 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36338 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36340 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36341 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36342 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36344 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36345 it's what you do with what you have left.
36346 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36348 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36349 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36351 Oh, so there you are!
36353 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36354 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36355 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36356 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36357 -- The Smothers Brothers
36359 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36360 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36362 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36363 To see oursel's as others see us!
36364 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36365 And foolish notion.
36366 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36368 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36369 Born under one law, to another bound.
36370 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36372 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36374 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36377 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36378 Then I was clean and brave,
36379 And miles around the wonder grew
36380 How well did I behave.
36382 And now the fancy passes by,
36383 And nothing will remain,
36384 And miles around they'll say that I
36385 Am quite myself again.
36388 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36390 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
36391 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
36392 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
36393 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
36395 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36396 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36400 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36401 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36402 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36403 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36404 save precious time and electrons.
36407 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36410 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36412 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36413 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36414 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36415 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36417 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36419 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
36422 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36425 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36428 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36430 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36432 Old Japanese proverb:
36433 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36434 and those who climb it twice.
36436 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36438 Old mail has arrived.
36440 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
36441 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
36442 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36444 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36445 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36446 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36447 And so was her daughter, I guess...
36449 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
36451 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
36453 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
36455 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
36457 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
36460 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
36463 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
36465 omnibiblious, adj.:
36466 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
36469 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
36471 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
36474 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
36476 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
36479 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
36480 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
36482 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
36483 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
36486 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
36487 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
36488 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
36490 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
36491 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
36495 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
36496 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
36497 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
36498 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
36499 you come any closer."
36500 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
36502 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
36504 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
36505 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
36506 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
36509 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
36510 proposition that all men are created jerks.
36511 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
36513 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
36514 same moment -- halftime.
36516 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
36518 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
36519 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
36520 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
36521 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
36523 On the subject of C program indentation:
36525 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
36526 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
36527 -- Blair P. Houghton
36529 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
36530 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
36532 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
36533 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
36534 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
36535 ideas that could provoke such a question.
36538 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
36539 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
36540 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
36542 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
36543 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36547 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36549 Once again dread deed is done.
36551 his all-knowing eye shaded
36552 to human chance and circumstance.
36553 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
36554 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
36556 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
36557 Impatient hands wait eagerly
36559 scant moments of time
36560 wrested from life in the full
36561 glory of Canon's power;
36562 held captive by his unblinking eye.
36564 Three golden orbs stand watch;
36565 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
36566 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
36567 When that feared moment arrives,
36568 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
36569 It tolls for thee."
36570 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
36571 Valley Pawn Shop today"
36573 Once Again From the Top
36575 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
36576 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
36577 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
36578 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
36579 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
36580 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
36581 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
36582 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
36583 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
36584 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
36585 The Herald regrets the errors."
36586 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
36588 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
36589 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
36592 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
36593 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
36594 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
36595 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
36596 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
36597 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
36599 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
36600 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
36601 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
36602 principles or your mistress".
36604 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
36607 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
36608 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
36609 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
36610 the railroad yards."
36611 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
36612 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
36613 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
36615 Once I finally figured out all of life's
36616 answers, they changed the questions.
36618 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
36619 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
36620 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
36622 Once is happenstance,
36623 Twice is coincidence,
36624 Three times is enemy action.
36625 -- Auric Goldfinger
36627 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
36628 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
36630 Once Law was sitting on the bench
36631 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
36632 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
36633 Nor come before me creeping.
36634 Upon your knees if you appear,
36635 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
36637 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
36638 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
36639 "Amica curiae," she replied --
36640 "Friend of the court, so please you."
36641 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
36642 I never saw your face before!"
36643 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36645 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
36646 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
36647 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
36648 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
36651 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
36654 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
36655 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
36656 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
36657 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
36658 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36659 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36660 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36661 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36662 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36663 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36664 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36665 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36666 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36667 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36668 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36669 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36670 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36671 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36672 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36673 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36674 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36675 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36677 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36678 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36679 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36680 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36681 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36682 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36683 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36684 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36685 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36687 Once upon a time there...
36689 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36690 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36691 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36692 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36693 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36694 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36695 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36696 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36698 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36701 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
36702 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
36703 the smaller prime numbers.
36705 2: The Odd Prime --
36706 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
36707 3: The True Prime --
36708 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
36709 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
36710 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
36711 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
36712 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
36713 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
36716 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
36717 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
36718 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
36720 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36721 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36722 Over many a broken and subordinate
36723 Volume of gnarly lore,
36724 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36725 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36726 As of someone profusely skulking,
36727 Skulking at my chamber door.
36729 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36731 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36732 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36734 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36735 somebody's listening.
36736 -- Franklin P. Jones
36738 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36740 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36742 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36743 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36744 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36746 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36748 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36750 One Bell System - it works.
36752 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36755 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36758 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36759 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36762 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36763 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36764 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36766 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36768 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36769 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36770 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36772 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36774 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36775 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36777 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36778 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36779 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36780 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36781 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36782 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36783 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36784 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36785 and march back home."
36786 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36787 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36788 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36789 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36790 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36792 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36793 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36794 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36795 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36796 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36797 is death by hanging."
36798 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36799 "I don't believe you."
36800 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36801 "But that would make it the truth!"
36802 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36804 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36805 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36806 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36807 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36808 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36809 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36810 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36811 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36812 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36813 there a number of details to be figured out.
36814 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36815 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36816 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36818 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36819 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36820 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36821 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36822 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36823 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36824 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36825 harmonic motion..."
36829 With nothing to say,
36830 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36831 That started: "One day,
36833 With nothing to say,
36834 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36835 That started: "One day,
36838 Were the words that the poet,
36840 To bring his mad poem,
36841 To some sort of close".
36842 Were the words that the poet,
36844 To bring his mad poem,
36845 To some sort of close".
36847 One difference between a man and a machine
36848 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36850 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36853 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36854 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36855 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36856 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36857 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36858 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36859 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36860 been havin' all these years."
36861 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36862 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36863 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36864 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36865 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36866 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36867 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36868 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36869 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36871 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36874 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36876 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36879 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36880 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36882 -- Henry Brook Adams
36884 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36885 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36887 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36888 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36890 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36892 One good thing about music,
36893 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36894 So hit me with music;
36895 Hit me with music now.
36896 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36898 One good turn asketh another.
36901 One good turn deserves another.
36904 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36906 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36907 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36910 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36913 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36914 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36916 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36919 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36922 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36923 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36925 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36927 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36928 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36929 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36930 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36934 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36937 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36940 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36941 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36943 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36946 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36948 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36949 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36952 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36954 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36955 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36958 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36962 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36964 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36966 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36967 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36968 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36969 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36970 nobody can touch him.
36971 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36973 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36974 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
36978 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
36979 enough to give you presents they make at school.
36982 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
36983 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
36984 -- Joyce Carol Oates
36986 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
36987 do and always a clever thing to say.
36990 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
36991 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
36992 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
36993 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
36994 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
36995 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
36996 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
36997 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
36998 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
36999 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37000 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37002 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37003 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37006 One of the most striking differences between a
37007 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37010 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37011 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
37013 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37015 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37017 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37019 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37020 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37021 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37022 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37023 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37025 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37026 once had a publisher shot.
37027 -- Siegfried Unseld
37029 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37031 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37032 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37033 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37034 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37035 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37036 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37037 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37038 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37039 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37041 One organism, one vote.
37043 One person's error is another person's data.
37045 One picture is worth 128K words.
37047 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37050 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37051 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37052 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37053 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37054 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37055 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37057 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37058 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37059 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37061 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37062 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37063 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37066 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37068 One planet is all you get.
37070 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37071 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37073 One possible reason why things aren't going
37074 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37076 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37077 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37078 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37079 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37080 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37081 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37082 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37083 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37084 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37085 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37086 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37087 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37088 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37089 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37090 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37091 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37092 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37094 One reason why George Washington
37095 Is held in such veneration:
37096 He never blamed his problems
37097 On the former Administration.
37098 -- George O. Ludcke
37100 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37101 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37102 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37103 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37104 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37105 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37106 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37107 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37110 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37112 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37116 Doesn't fit anyone.
37118 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37120 One thing about the past.
37121 It's likely to last.
37124 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37125 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37126 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37127 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37129 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37131 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
37133 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37134 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37136 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37137 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37141 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37143 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37144 One toke over the line,
37145 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37146 One toke over the line.
37147 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37148 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37149 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37150 One toke over the line.
37152 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37155 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37157 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37158 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37161 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37165 One-Shot Case Study, n:
37166 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37167 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37170 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37173 Only a fool has no doubts.
37175 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37178 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37180 Only fools are quoted.
37183 Only God can make random selections.
37185 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37188 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37189 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37191 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37192 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37195 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37196 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37198 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37199 to use the editorial "we".
37201 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37202 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37204 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37207 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37208 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37209 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37210 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37211 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37212 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37213 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37214 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37215 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37216 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37217 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37218 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37220 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37223 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37224 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37227 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37229 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37231 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37232 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37233 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37234 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37235 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37236 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37237 -- Sicilian police officer
37239 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37240 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37242 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37244 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37246 Onward through the fog.
37248 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37250 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37253 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37254 feel like eating for the next six days.
37255 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37257 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37259 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37260 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37262 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
37263 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37264 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37265 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37267 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37268 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37271 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37272 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37273 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37274 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37275 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37276 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37279 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37280 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37283 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37286 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37288 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37289 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37290 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37291 would justify them."
37292 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37293 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37294 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37296 Optimization hinders evolution.
37298 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37301 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37303 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37304 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37308 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37311 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37314 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37315 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37319 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37320 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37323 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37324 to people you could not have possibly met.
37325 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37328 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37330 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37333 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37334 Where most she satisfies.
37335 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37337 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37339 Others will look to you for stability,
37340 so hide when you bite your nails.
37342 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37343 Murphy was an optimist.
37345 Ouch! That felt good!
37348 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37349 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37351 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37352 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37353 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37355 Our business in life is not to succeed
37356 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37357 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37359 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37360 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37361 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37362 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37363 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37364 home-made, hand-held model.
37366 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37367 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37369 a. Don't kill anybody.
37370 b. Don't build things that do.
37371 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37373 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37376 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
37377 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
37379 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37380 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37381 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37382 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
37384 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37388 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37389 means to be a programmer."
37391 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
37392 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
37393 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
37394 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
37395 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
37396 to have been quite real.
37397 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
37399 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37401 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37402 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37404 Our little systems have their day;
37405 They have their day and cease to be;
37406 They are but broken lights of thee.
37409 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37410 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37411 In kernel as it is in user.
37413 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37414 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37415 rain, we were punished.
37416 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37418 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37419 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37421 Our problems are so serious that the best
37422 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37424 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37425 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37426 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37427 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37429 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37430 -- Christopher Marlowe
37432 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37433 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37434 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37435 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37436 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37437 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37438 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37439 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37442 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37445 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37446 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37448 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37449 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37451 Out of sight is out of mind.
37454 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37457 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37459 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37460 it's too dark to read.
37463 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
37464 need of the manager than the programming task.
37466 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
37467 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
37469 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
37470 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
37471 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
37472 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
37473 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
37474 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
37475 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
37477 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
37478 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
37479 Concepts and Philosophies,"
37480 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
37482 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
37483 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
37484 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
37485 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
37487 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
37489 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
37491 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
37494 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
37496 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
37498 Owe no man any thing...
37501 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
37502 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
37503 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
37504 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
37505 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
37506 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
37507 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
37508 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
37509 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
37512 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
37513 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
37514 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
37515 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
37516 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
37518 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
37519 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
37520 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
37523 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
37524 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
37526 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
37529 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
37530 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
37531 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37532 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
37534 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
37535 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
37536 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
37537 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
37538 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
37539 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
37540 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
37542 troopa, n: A state policeman.
37543 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
37544 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
37545 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
37548 Falling out of a twenty story building,
37549 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
37552 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
37555 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
37557 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
37560 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
37561 exposing them to the critic.
37562 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37565 Never open a box you didn't close.
37567 panic: can't find /
37569 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
37571 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
37575 2 dashes == 1smidgen
37576 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
37577 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
37578 2 soupcons == too much paprika
37580 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
37584 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
37586 Paralysis through analysis.
37589 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
37591 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
37593 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
37595 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
37597 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
37598 Now ... just try to find out where!
37600 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
37602 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
37603 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
37606 Pardon me while I laugh.
37608 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
37610 Pardo's First Postulate:
37611 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
37615 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
37617 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
37618 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
37621 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
37623 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
37624 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
37625 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
37627 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
37628 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
37629 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
37631 Parsley is gharsley.
37634 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
37637 A gathering where you meet people who drink
37638 so much you can't even remember their names.
37640 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
37641 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
37643 Pascal is not a high-level language.
37646 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
37647 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
37650 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
37651 in his grave if he knew about it.
37652 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
37655 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
37656 Please modify your programs accordingly.
37659 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
37660 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
37662 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
37667 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
37669 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
37670 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
37671 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
37672 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
37674 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
37675 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
37677 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
37678 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37681 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37683 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37684 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37685 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37686 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37687 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37688 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37689 par for the course, Charlie.
37690 -- Firesign Theatre
37693 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37694 under brain transplants.
37696 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37697 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37700 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37702 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37704 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37707 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37708 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37710 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37711 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37713 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37714 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37716 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37717 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37719 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37720 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37721 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37724 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37725 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37726 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37728 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37731 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37734 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37737 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37740 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37744 You can't fall off the floor.
37746 Pause for storage relocation.
37748 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37749 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37752 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37753 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37754 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37755 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37765 up your ides under brown-
37772 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37774 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37775 can only be achieved by understanding.
37778 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37779 of land... let there be no more wars.
37780 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
37783 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37784 periods of fighting.
37785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37789 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37790 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37791 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37793 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37795 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37796 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37797 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37798 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37800 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37801 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37802 the week that has a "y" in it.
37805 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37806 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37807 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37810 A car with only one working headlight.
37811 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37813 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37814 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37815 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37816 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37817 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37818 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37819 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37820 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37822 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37823 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37824 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37826 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37832 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37835 "I will never understand people."
37836 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37837 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37838 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37839 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37840 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37841 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37842 -- no offense intended."
37843 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37845 Penguin Trivia #46:
37846 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37847 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37852 A federally insured chain letter.
37854 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37855 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37856 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37857 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37858 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37859 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37860 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37862 People are beginning to notice you.
37863 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37865 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37867 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37869 People don't change; they only become more so.
37871 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37872 times, four time, five times...
37874 People in general do not willingly read
37875 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37878 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37879 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37881 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37882 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37884 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37886 -- Otto von Bismarck
37888 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37889 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37890 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37892 People often find it easier to be a
37893 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37895 People respond to people who respond.
37897 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37901 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37902 have been left out on the pleasure.
37905 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37906 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37907 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37908 the concentration camps.
37910 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37912 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37913 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37916 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37919 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37921 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37922 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37923 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37925 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37926 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37928 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37929 -- Abigail Van Buren
37931 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37933 People who have no faults are terrible;
37934 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37936 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37937 what they want that they don't want it.
37940 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37942 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37944 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37946 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37949 People who think they know everything
37950 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37952 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37953 Franklin said it first.
37955 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37957 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37960 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37962 People's Action Rules:
37963 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37964 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37965 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37966 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37967 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37969 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37972 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37973 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37975 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
37978 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
37981 One who makes his host feel at home.
37983 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
37984 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
37985 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
37988 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
37989 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
37990 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
37992 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
37993 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
37996 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
37997 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38000 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38002 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38003 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38004 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38005 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38007 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38011 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38012 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38013 -- Gandalf the Grey
38015 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38016 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38017 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38018 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38019 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38020 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38021 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38022 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38023 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38024 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38025 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38026 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38027 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38028 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38029 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38030 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38031 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38033 -- Fowler's English Usage
38035 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38036 a merit in political leaders.
38037 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38039 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38040 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38041 -- Bernadette Bosky
38043 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38045 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38046 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38047 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38048 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38051 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38052 wolf from the door.
38055 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38059 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38061 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38062 Waiter: Who told you?
38063 Pete: A little swallow.
38065 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38066 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38067 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38068 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38070 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38071 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38072 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38073 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38074 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38076 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38078 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38079 Look after the molehills, and the
38080 mountains will look after themselves.
38082 Peter's Principle of Success:
38083 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38086 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38089 Peterson's Admonition:
38090 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38091 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38094 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38095 are filled with something sticky.
38096 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38097 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38098 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38101 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38102 the window of a vending machine too long.
38103 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38105 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38107 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38108 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38110 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38113 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38116 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38118 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38121 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38124 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38125 that will bring it back to life).
38126 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38128 Photographing a volcano is just about
38129 the most miserable thing you can do.
38130 -- Robert B. Goodman
38131 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38133 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38134 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38135 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38136 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38138 Pick another fortune cookie.
38140 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38141 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38142 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38143 She left me not knowing what to do.
38145 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38146 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38147 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38148 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38150 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38151 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38152 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38153 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38154 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38156 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38157 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38158 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38159 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38160 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38163 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38164 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38166 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38167 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38168 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38170 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38171 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38174 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38180 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38181 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38182 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38183 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38185 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38186 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38189 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38190 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38192 Piping down the valleys wild,
38193 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38194 On a cloud I saw a child,
38195 And he laughing said to me:
38196 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38197 So I piped with merry cheer.
38198 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38199 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38200 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38202 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
38203 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38204 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38205 -- Love and Rockets
38207 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38208 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
38209 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
38210 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
38211 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
38214 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38215 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
38216 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
38217 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
38218 get run over by a bus.
38220 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38221 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38222 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38223 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38226 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38230 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38231 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38232 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38233 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38238 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38240 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38241 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38242 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38243 Don't shade your eyes,
38244 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38245 Only be sure to call it research.
38248 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38249 All the trees are red.
38250 No one ever dies there.
38251 No one has a head....
38253 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38254 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38255 -- Green Lantern Comics
38257 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38258 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38259 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38260 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38263 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
38264 What develops when two people get
38265 tired of making love to each other.
38267 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38270 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38272 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38274 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38275 by asking me to do something for you.
38277 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38278 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38280 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38282 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38283 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38285 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38286 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38290 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38292 Please ignore previous fortune.
38294 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38296 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38298 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38299 us being hysterical at the same time.
38301 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38303 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38304 For we are young and free.
38305 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38306 Our home is girt by sea.
38307 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38308 Of beauty rich and rare.
38309 In history's page, let every stage
38310 Advance Australia Fair.
38311 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38312 Advance Australia Fair.
38314 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38316 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38318 God save our Gracious Queen!
38319 Long live our Noble Queen!
38320 God save the Queen!
38321 Send her victorious,
38322 Happy and glorious,
38323 Long to reign o'er us!
38324 God save the Queen!
38326 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38328 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38331 Our home and native land
38333 In all thy sons' command
38334 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38335 The true north strong and free
38336 From far and wide, O Canada
38337 We stand on guard for thee
38338 God keep our land glorious and free
38339 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38340 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38342 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38344 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38346 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38347 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38348 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38349 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38350 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38351 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38352 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38353 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38355 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38359 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38360 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
38361 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
38364 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38366 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38368 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38370 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38371 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38372 an uncontainable experience.
38377 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38380 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38382 poisoned coffee, n:
38383 Grounds for divorce.
38385 Poland has gun control.
38387 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38389 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38390 Host: About the drugs?
38392 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38393 Police: No, the noise.
38394 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38395 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38396 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38398 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38399 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38400 ask the host to quiet things down?
38401 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
38402 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38403 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38404 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38405 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38408 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38412 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38413 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38414 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38416 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38417 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38420 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38421 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38422 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
38423 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
38425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38428 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38429 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
38430 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38433 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
38434 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
38435 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38437 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38438 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38440 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38441 been, and never will be wrong.
38444 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38445 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38448 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38449 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38453 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38454 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38455 -- Winston Churchill
38457 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
38458 systematic organisation of hatreds.
38459 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
38461 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
38462 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
38464 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
38465 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
38466 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38468 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
38469 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38472 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
38473 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
38474 explain why it didn't happen.
38475 -- Winston Churchill
38477 Politics, like religion, hold up the
38478 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
38479 -- Thomas Jefferson
38481 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
38485 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
38486 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
38487 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38489 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
38490 The hyperactive child is never absent.
38495 Polymer physicists are into chains.
38498 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
38499 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
38502 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
38503 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
38504 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
38505 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
38506 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
38508 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
38509 Half a pound of treacle
38510 That's the way the chimney smokes
38513 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
38514 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
38515 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
38516 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
38517 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
38519 Populus vult decipi.
38520 [The people like to be deceived.]
38522 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
38526 Survives system reboot.
38529 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
38532 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
38533 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38535 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
38538 Post proelium, praemium.
38539 [After the battle, the reward.]
38541 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
38543 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38545 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
38546 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
38547 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
38548 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
38549 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
38551 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
38552 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
38553 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
38554 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
38555 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
38556 diets that are driving them crazy.
38558 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
38559 Except with sour cream.
38561 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38563 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
38564 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
38565 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
38566 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
38568 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
38569 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
38570 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
38571 general butter-melting by all.
38573 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
38574 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
38576 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
38579 An unfortunate state that persists as long
38580 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
38582 Poverty begins at home.
38584 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
38588 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
38589 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
38591 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
38592 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
38594 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
38596 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
38601 Power is the finest token of affection.
38603 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
38604 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
38605 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
38608 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
38610 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
38613 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
38615 Practical people would be more practical if
38616 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
38619 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
38622 Practically perfect people never permit
38623 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
38626 Practice is the best of all instructors.
38629 Practice yourself what you preach.
38630 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38633 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
38635 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
38636 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
38638 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
38641 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
38645 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
38646 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
38647 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38649 Predestination was doomed from the start.
38651 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
38655 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
38656 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38658 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
38661 Preserve the old, but know the new.
38663 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
38665 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
38667 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
38668 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
38670 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
38671 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
38672 -- The Washington Post
38674 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
38676 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
38677 It's on the other side.
38680 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
38682 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
38683 the working man, he loves to see him work.
38684 -- Winston Churchill
38686 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38687 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38688 -- Winston Churchill
38690 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38691 For having it off with his Mater;
38692 Revenge Dad or not?
38693 That's the gist of the plot,
38694 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38695 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38697 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38698 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38700 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38703 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38704 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38705 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38706 badly than someone else.
38708 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38711 Prizes are for children.
38713 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38715 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38717 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38718 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38719 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38720 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38721 -- Frederick Winsor
38723 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38724 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38725 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38726 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38730 A man who never buys.
38732 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38733 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38734 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38735 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38736 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38738 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38739 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38742 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38744 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38745 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38746 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38747 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38750 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38751 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38752 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38753 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38756 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38757 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38758 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38760 Programmers do it bit by bit.
38762 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38763 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38764 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38766 Programming Department:
38767 Mistakes made while you wait.
38769 Programming is an unnatural act.
38771 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38772 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38773 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38778 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38779 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38781 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38782 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38784 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38785 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38786 -- George Bernard Shaw
38788 Progress means replacing a theory that
38789 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38791 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38794 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38797 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38799 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38801 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38802 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38803 level where they can't foul up operations.
38805 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38807 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38809 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38810 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38812 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38814 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38815 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38816 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38817 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38818 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38819 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38821 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38822 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38823 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38824 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38825 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38827 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38828 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38830 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38832 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38834 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38836 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38838 Lack of a counterexample, and
38839 "It stands to reason"
38841 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38842 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38845 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38847 BBW Branch Both Ways
38848 BEW Branch Either Way
38849 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38851 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38853 BPO Branch on Power Off
38854 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38855 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38856 CLBR Clobber Register
38857 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38858 CM Circulate Memory
38859 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38860 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38861 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38863 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38865 DC Divide and Conquer
38866 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38867 DO Divide and Overflow
38868 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38869 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38870 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38871 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38872 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38873 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38874 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38875 PBC Print and Break Chain
38878 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38881 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38882 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38883 RASC Read And Shred Card
38884 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38885 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
38886 RTAB Rewind tape and break
38888 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38889 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
38890 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38891 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38892 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38893 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38894 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38895 WBT Water Binary Tree
38897 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38900 Prototype designs always work.
38904 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38905 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38906 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38907 prototype is not expected to work.
38909 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38910 than the both put together.
38912 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38913 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38915 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38917 Pryor's Observation:
38918 How long you live has nothing to do
38919 with how long you are going to be dead.
38921 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38922 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38923 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38924 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38925 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38927 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38928 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38930 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38932 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38934 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38936 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38940 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38942 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38946 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38949 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38950 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38951 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38952 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38953 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38954 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38955 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38956 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38957 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38958 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38959 Philosophers think they're gods.
38961 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38962 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38965 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38966 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38969 Public use of any portable music system is a
38970 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38973 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38974 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
38977 Anything that begins well will end badly.
38978 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
38980 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
38982 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
38983 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
38984 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
38985 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
38986 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
38987 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
38988 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
38989 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
38991 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
38996 Someone who is deathly afraid that
38997 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
38999 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39000 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39003 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39004 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39005 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39007 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39009 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39011 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39012 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39013 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39014 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39017 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39018 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39020 Put another password in,
39021 Bomb it out, then try again.
39022 Try to get past logging in,
39023 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39025 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39026 This is more than just a game.
39027 It's real fun, but just the same,
39028 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39030 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39032 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39034 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39036 Put your best foot forward.
39037 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39039 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39041 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39042 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39044 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39047 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39048 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39049 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39051 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39056 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39059 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39061 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39065 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39066 A: He got re-possessed!
39068 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39069 A: With three more bullets.
39071 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39073 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39075 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39077 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39079 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39080 A: When his lips move.
39082 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39083 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39085 Q: But how did he get back down?
39086 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39088 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39091 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
39092 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
39094 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39095 A: Unique up on it!
39097 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39100 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39102 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39103 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39105 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39106 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39108 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39109 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
39111 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39112 A: Throw him a rock.
39114 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39115 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39117 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39118 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39119 a blue-elephant gun.
39121 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39122 A: Take away his credit cards.
39124 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39125 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39126 A: He changes the domain.
39128 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39129 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39131 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39132 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39134 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39135 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39136 of license fee (binary only).
39138 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39139 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39140 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39142 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39143 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39144 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39145 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39147 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39148 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39149 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39151 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39152 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39154 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39155 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39157 Q: How long does it take?
39158 A: It's indeterminate.
39159 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39161 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39162 A: They replace your generator.
39164 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39165 A: One more than you can find.
39167 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39168 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39170 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39171 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39173 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39174 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39176 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39177 A: The door won't shut.
39179 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39180 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39182 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39183 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39184 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39185 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
39186 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39188 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39189 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39191 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39192 A: None. The application can work around it.
39194 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39195 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39197 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39198 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39200 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39201 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39203 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39204 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39206 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39207 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39209 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39210 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39211 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39212 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39213 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39214 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39216 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39217 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39218 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
39219 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
39220 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
39221 the bulb in the first place.
39223 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39224 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39226 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39227 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
39228 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
39229 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
39230 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
39231 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39232 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
39233 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
39234 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
39235 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
39236 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
39237 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
39238 between the parties.
39240 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
39241 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
39242 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
39243 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
39244 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
39245 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39246 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
39247 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
39248 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
39249 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
39250 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39252 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
39253 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
39254 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
39255 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
39256 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39257 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
39260 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
39261 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
39262 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
39263 revenue for the Partnership.
39265 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39266 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39267 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39269 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39270 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39272 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39275 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39276 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39278 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39279 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39280 to the earlier joke.
39282 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39284 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39285 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39286 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39287 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39288 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39289 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39290 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39291 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39292 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39293 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39294 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39295 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39296 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39297 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39298 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39299 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39300 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39301 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39303 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39305 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39308 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39309 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39310 out from under him.
39312 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39313 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39314 to really want to change.
39316 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39317 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
39318 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39320 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39321 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39322 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39324 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39325 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39326 with brightly colored machine tools.
39328 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39330 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39333 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39334 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39337 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39340 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39343 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39344 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39345 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39347 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39348 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39349 bottles into the typewriter.
39351 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39353 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39354 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39355 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39356 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39357 somebody else has made the correction.
39359 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39360 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39361 to inform the whole net right away!
39362 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39365 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39368 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39369 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39371 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39373 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39375 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39376 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39378 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39379 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39380 they go down on you.
39382 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39383 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39385 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39386 puzzle in only 6 months?
39387 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39389 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39390 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39392 Q: What do monsters eat?
39395 Q: What do monsters drink?
39396 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39398 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39399 A: The impossible dream.
39401 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39402 A: Rule the country.
39404 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39405 A: The same middle name.
39407 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39410 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39411 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39413 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39414 puzzle in only 6 months?
39415 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39417 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39418 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39420 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39421 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39423 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39426 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39429 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39430 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39432 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39435 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39436 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39438 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39439 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39441 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39442 eating fruit, and singing?
39443 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39445 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39446 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39448 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39451 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39452 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39455 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39456 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
39458 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39459 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
39462 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
39463 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
39466 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
39470 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
39472 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
39474 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
39475 A: An offer you can't understand.
39477 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
39478 A: Hot cross bunnies!
39480 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
39481 A: Not enough sand.
39483 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
39486 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
39487 A: To keep her neck warm.
39489 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
39490 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
39492 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
39493 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
39494 a delicious dessert.
39496 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
39499 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
39500 A: Exploding sheep.
39502 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
39505 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
39508 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
39511 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
39512 A: A ball point carrot.
39514 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
39517 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39518 A: A boolean grape.
39520 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39521 A: An Abelian grape.
39523 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
39524 A: Alexander the Grape.
39526 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
39527 A: One leg is both the same.
39529 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
39530 A: Yogurt has culture.
39532 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
39533 A: Her bowling shoes.
39535 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
39536 A: I think I'm drunk.
39538 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
39539 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
39541 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
39542 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
39544 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
39547 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
39548 A: A nervous wreck.
39550 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
39551 plays like a monkey?
39554 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
39557 Q: What's a light-year?
39558 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
39560 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
39561 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
39563 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
39564 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
39566 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
39569 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
39570 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
39571 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
39573 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
39574 A: Artificial intelligence.
39576 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
39577 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
39579 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
39582 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
39583 lawyer in the road?
39584 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
39586 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
39587 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
39589 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
39590 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
39592 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
39595 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
39598 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
39599 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
39601 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
39602 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
39604 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
39605 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
39607 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
39608 A: The Titanic had a band.
39610 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
39611 A: A canary with the super-user password.
39613 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
39616 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
39617 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
39619 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
39620 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
39622 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
39625 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
39626 A: Because they're worth it!
39628 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
39629 A: Because he was hungry.
39631 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
39632 A: To see what was on the other side.
39634 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
39637 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
39638 A: She opens the car door.
39640 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39641 A: He was giving it last rites.
39643 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39644 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
39646 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
39647 A: To get to the other slide.
39649 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
39650 A: To get to the other slide.
39652 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
39653 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
39655 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
39656 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
39658 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
39659 A: Because that was her name.
39661 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
39662 A: Because it was on the other side.
39664 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
39665 A: To get to the middle.
39667 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
39668 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
39670 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
39671 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
39673 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
39674 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
39675 Oh, right, *of course*!
39677 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
39678 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
39679 an eye on the two intellectuals.
39681 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
39682 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
39683 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
39685 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
39686 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
39688 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
39689 A: To keep their ankles warm.
39691 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
39692 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39694 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39695 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39697 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39698 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39699 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39700 visiting, they always take three.
39702 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39703 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39704 gets all the credit.
39706 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39707 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39708 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39710 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39711 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39713 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39714 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39716 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39717 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39719 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39721 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39723 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39724 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39729 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39732 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39735 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39736 an emergency on my part."
39739 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39742 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39745 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39748 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39749 have to stop and breathe."
39750 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39753 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39756 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39759 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39763 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39764 too late to punish."
39767 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39771 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39774 "Her other car is a broom."
39777 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39781 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39784 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39787 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39790 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
39793 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39794 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39797 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39800 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39803 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39804 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'"
39805 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39808 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39811 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39814 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39817 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39818 ball in their court."
39819 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39822 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39826 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39827 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39830 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39833 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39834 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39837 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39840 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39844 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39847 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39850 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39853 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39857 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39861 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39862 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39865 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39868 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39871 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39874 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39877 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39880 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39883 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39886 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39889 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39892 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39894 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39897 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39900 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39903 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39906 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39910 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39911 hands in his own pockets."
39914 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39917 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39920 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39923 "It's been Monday all week today."
39926 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39929 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39930 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39933 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39936 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39937 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39940 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39941 strike. To make less money."
39944 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39948 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39951 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39955 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39959 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39962 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39965 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39966 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39967 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39968 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39971 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39974 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
39978 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
39981 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
39984 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
39987 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
39991 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
39994 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
39997 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
40000 "Our parents were never our age."
40003 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40006 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
40009 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40010 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40013 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
40016 "She's about as smart as bait."
40019 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
40022 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
40025 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40028 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40029 I do what I get paid to do."
40032 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40033 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40036 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40039 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40040 the snakes have gone away."
40043 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40044 gerbil has more dark meat."
40047 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40050 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40054 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40057 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40060 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40061 think he was broken!"
40064 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40065 when I mess things up."
40068 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40069 "baring your neck."
40072 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40075 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40078 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40079 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
40082 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40086 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40092 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40093 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40095 Quality Control, n.:
40096 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40097 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40099 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40100 but its the only one we've got.
40102 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40103 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40105 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40108 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40110 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40112 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40115 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40119 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40120 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40123 Ask somebody something.
40126 Man Invented Alcohol,
40127 God Invented Grass.
40130 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40133 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40135 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40137 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40139 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40142 Whoever has any authority over you,
40143 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40145 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40148 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40149 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40156 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40159 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40162 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40166 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40168 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40171 rain falls where clouds come
40172 sun shines where clouds go
40173 clouds just come and go
40174 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40176 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40178 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40180 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40182 Ralph's Observation:
40183 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40184 realise that you are in a hurry.
40186 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40189 as in number, predictable.
40190 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40192 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40194 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40197 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40199 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40200 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40201 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40202 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40203 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40204 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40205 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40206 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40207 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
40208 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40209 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40211 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40212 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40213 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40214 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40215 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40217 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40218 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40219 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40220 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40221 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40222 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40223 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40224 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40225 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40226 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40227 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40229 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40230 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40235 And drugs cause cramp.
40236 Guns aren't lawful;
40239 You might as well live.
40240 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40243 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40244 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40245 described with pictures.
40247 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40248 And find they do not know your name.
40249 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40250 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40251 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40252 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40253 Hold a candle to the night,
40254 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40255 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40256 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40257 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40258 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40259 Lean upon the western wind,
40260 And know you are alone.
40263 Reactor error - core dumped!
40265 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40266 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40269 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40271 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40273 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40274 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40275 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40276 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40278 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
40279 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
40282 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40283 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40285 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40286 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40288 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40289 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40290 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40292 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40293 could they read their mail?
40295 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40296 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40297 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40299 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40300 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40301 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40304 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40305 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40308 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40309 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40311 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40312 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40315 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40316 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40317 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40318 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40320 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40321 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40323 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40324 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40327 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
40328 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40330 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40332 Real programs don't eat cache.
40334 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
40335 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40337 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40338 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40339 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40341 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40342 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40343 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40344 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
40345 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40346 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40347 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40349 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40350 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40351 using an undocumented external procedure.
40354 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40357 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40358 afraid to break your face.
40360 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40361 down the system for days.
40363 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40365 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40367 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40368 program doesn't deliver it.
40370 Real Users never use the Help key.
40372 Real wealth can only increase.
40373 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40375 Real World, The n.:
40376 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40377 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40378 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40379 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40380 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
40381 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40382 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40383 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40384 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40387 Reality -- what a concept!
40390 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40392 Reality does not exist - yet.
40394 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40396 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40399 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40402 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40404 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40407 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40409 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40412 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
40416 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40420 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
40423 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
40425 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
40426 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
40428 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
40429 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
40430 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
40432 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
40434 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
40435 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
40438 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
40439 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
40440 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
40441 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
40442 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
40443 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
40444 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
40445 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
40446 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
40449 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
40450 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
40451 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
40452 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
40455 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
40456 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
40457 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
40458 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
40460 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
40461 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
40462 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
40463 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
40464 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
40465 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
40466 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
40467 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
40468 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
40469 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
40470 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
40472 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
40475 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
40476 Take not a single bit!
40477 It used to point to me,
40478 Now I'm protecting it.
40479 It was the reader's CONS
40480 That made it, paired by dot;
40481 Now, GC, for the nonce,
40482 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
40484 Recursion is the root of computation
40485 since it trades description for time.
40487 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
40488 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
40490 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
40491 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
40495 Regression analysis:
40496 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
40500 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
40503 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
40506 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
40507 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
40509 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
40510 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
40511 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
40513 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
40514 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
40515 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
40517 Reliable source, n:
40518 The guy you just met.
40520 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
40523 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
40525 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
40528 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
40530 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
40531 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
40532 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
40533 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40535 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
40539 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
40541 Remember Darwin; building a better
40542 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
40544 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
40545 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
40547 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
40549 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
40552 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
40554 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
40557 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
40558 have an established user base.
40560 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
40564 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
40565 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
40566 -- Good Morning, Vietnam
40568 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
40569 that you're the one holding it.
40570 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
40572 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
40573 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
40574 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
40575 Across The Eighth Dimension"
40577 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
40580 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
40581 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
40582 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
40584 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
40587 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
40588 worse in Cleveland.
40589 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
40591 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
40593 Remember the... the... uhh.....
40596 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
40597 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
40598 Yea, from the table of my memory
40599 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
40600 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
40601 That youth and observation copied there.
40602 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
40604 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
40606 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
40609 Remember: use logout to logout.
40611 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
40614 Remove me from this land of slaves,
40615 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
40616 Where every knave and fool is bought,
40617 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
40620 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
40621 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
40624 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
40626 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
40629 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
40630 -- Indiana University football cheer
40632 Reply hazy, ask again later.
40634 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
40635 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
40637 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
40638 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
40641 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
40643 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40645 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
40647 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
40648 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
40649 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
40650 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
40651 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
40652 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
40653 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
40654 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
40655 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
40656 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
40658 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
40660 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
40661 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
40662 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
40665 What others are not thinking about you.
40667 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
40668 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
40669 so you're still a valiant nerd.
40671 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
40672 and think what nobody else has thought.
40674 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
40675 -- Wernher von Braun
40679 He didn't know where he was going.
40680 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
40681 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
40682 And he did it all on someone else's money.
40684 Resisting temptation is easier when you
40685 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
40688 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
40689 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
40690 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
40691 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
40692 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40694 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40695 actually have a shot at it.
40697 Reunite Gondwondaland!
40699 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40701 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40703 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40705 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40707 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40711 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40712 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40713 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40714 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40716 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40717 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40718 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40719 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40721 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40722 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40723 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40724 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40727 A form of government abroad.
40730 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40731 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40733 revolutionary, adj:
40737 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40738 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40739 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40740 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40741 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40742 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40743 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40744 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40745 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40746 assume otherwise, maybe.
40748 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40749 should be happier than others.
40752 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40753 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40754 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40758 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40761 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40762 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40764 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40765 "Your winnings, sir."
40766 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40769 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40770 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40772 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40775 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40776 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40777 rights, which they use or do not use.
40780 Ring around the collar.
40783 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40784 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40785 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40788 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40791 University administrator.
40794 Never having to say you're sorry.
40796 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40797 Unless the results are known in advance,
40798 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40800 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40802 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40804 Rome was not built in one day.
40807 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40809 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40810 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40811 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40813 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40814 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40815 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40816 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40819 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40820 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40828 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40829 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40831 Round Numbers are always false.
40834 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40836 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40838 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40839 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40842 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40843 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40844 stay in Washington and make it there.
40846 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40849 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40852 Rudin's Second Law:
40853 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40854 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40860 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40861 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40862 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40864 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40870 The Boss is always right.
40873 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40875 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40876 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40877 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40878 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40880 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40881 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40882 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40883 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40884 regain their composure.
40886 Rule of Creative Research:
40887 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40888 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40889 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40891 Rule of Defactualization:
40892 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40894 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40895 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40896 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40899 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40902 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40903 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40905 Rule the Empire through force.
40909 (1) The boss is always right.
40910 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40912 Rules for Academic Deans:
40914 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40915 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40917 Rules for driving in New York:
40918 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40919 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40920 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40923 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40924 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40925 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40926 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40927 4: About them sentence fragments.
40928 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40929 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40930 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40931 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40932 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40933 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40934 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40935 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40936 13: Correct speling is essential.
40937 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40938 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40939 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40940 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40943 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40944 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40945 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40946 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40947 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40948 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40949 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40950 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40951 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40952 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40953 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40954 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40955 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40956 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40958 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40959 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40960 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40961 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40962 (4) Enjoy your food.
40963 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40964 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40965 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40966 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40967 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40968 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40969 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40970 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40971 can always eat it later.
40972 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40973 (11) Avoid blue food.
40974 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
40976 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
40980 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
40982 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
40983 -- John Cameron Swayze
40985 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
40986 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
40987 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
40988 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
40989 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40992 Make three correct guesses consecutively
40993 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
40995 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40997 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
40998 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41000 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41001 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41002 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41003 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41004 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41005 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41006 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41008 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41015 Sacher's Observation:
41016 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41018 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41021 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41023 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41024 Beating a dead horse.
41028 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41029 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41031 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41033 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41034 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41035 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41036 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41037 6. People ignore you at parties.
41038 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41039 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41041 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41043 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41044 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41045 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41046 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41047 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41048 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41049 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41051 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41052 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41053 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41054 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41055 laugh at you a great deal.
41057 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41058 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41059 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41060 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41062 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41063 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41064 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41065 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41067 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41068 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41071 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41072 -- Heard on Noah's ark
41074 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41075 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41077 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41078 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41080 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41081 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41084 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41086 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41087 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41088 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41089 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41090 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41091 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41092 uncharted waters here.
41095 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41096 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41097 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41098 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41100 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41101 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41102 Found him every couple of blocks.
41103 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41105 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41106 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41107 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41109 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41110 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41111 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41113 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41114 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41115 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41117 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41118 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41119 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41120 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41121 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41122 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41124 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41125 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41126 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41128 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41129 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41130 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41132 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41133 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41134 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41136 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41137 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41138 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41140 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41141 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41142 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41143 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41144 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41146 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41147 Norm: Most of my wife.
41148 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41151 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41152 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41154 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41155 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41156 to be the guinea pig.
41157 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41160 Four million people, where you can't get a
41161 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41163 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41164 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41165 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41166 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41167 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41169 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41173 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41175 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41177 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41180 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41182 Santa Claus is watching!
41184 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41187 He has long hair and a beard
41188 Must be a pacifist.
41190 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41192 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41193 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41195 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41196 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41198 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41200 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41201 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41203 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41205 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41208 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41210 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41214 It works better if you plug it in.
41216 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41217 Is like being nowhere at all,
41218 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41219 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41220 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41222 Satyrs have more faun.
41224 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41226 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41227 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41229 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41230 surprised at how little you have.
41233 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41236 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41238 Save energy: be apathetic.
41240 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41242 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41246 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41248 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41250 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41252 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41253 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41254 No one cares a cent about you,
41255 You don't care a cent for life;
41256 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41257 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41258 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41259 And the big blue sky.
41262 Say it with flowers,
41263 Or say it with mink,
41264 But whatever you do,
41265 Don't say it with ink!
41268 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41269 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41270 No justice, please, curse ye!
41271 We really want mercy:
41272 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41273 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41275 Say my love is easy had,
41276 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41277 Say I am too often sad --
41278 Still behold me at your side.
41280 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41281 Say I woo and coddle care,
41282 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41283 Still you have my heart to wear.
41285 But say my verses do not scan,
41286 And I get me another man!
41287 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41289 Say no, then negotiate.
41292 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41294 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41296 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41300 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41301 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41302 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41304 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41307 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41308 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41309 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41310 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41311 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41312 intently watching him.
41315 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41317 Schapiro's Explanation:
41318 The grass is always greener on the other side --
41319 but that's because they use more manure.
41321 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41323 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41324 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41325 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41326 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41328 Schmidt's Observation:
41329 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41330 than a thin person.
41333 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
41335 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41337 Science and religion are in full accord but
41338 science and faith are in complete discord.
41340 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41341 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41342 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41343 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41345 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41346 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41347 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41348 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41350 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41351 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41353 -- Jules Henri Poincare
41355 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41356 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41357 is not necessarily science.
41358 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
41360 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41361 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41364 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41366 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41368 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41370 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41371 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41372 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41373 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41374 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41375 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41376 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41377 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41378 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41379 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41380 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41381 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41382 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41383 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41384 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41386 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41390 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41391 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41392 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41393 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
41395 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
41396 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
41397 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
41398 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
41399 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
41400 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
41401 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
41402 together. "There is now", came the reply.
41404 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41405 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
41406 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
41407 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
41408 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41409 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
41411 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
41413 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
41414 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
41415 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
41416 Scorpio people are murdered.
41418 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
41419 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
41420 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
41421 to throw up. Knock it off.
41423 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
41424 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
41425 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
41426 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
41427 to win. You never learn.
41430 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
41432 Scott's second Law:
41433 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
41434 to have been wrong in the first place.
41437 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
41438 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
41440 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
41441 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
41442 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
41443 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
41444 Spock: Affirmative.
41445 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
41446 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
41448 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
41449 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
41450 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41451 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
41452 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
41453 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41454 And we've also found Just flip one switch
41455 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
41456 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
41457 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
41458 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
41459 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
41460 The system is going to crash.
41461 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
41465 Roll the tapes across the floor!
41467 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
41470 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
41472 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41474 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
41478 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
41479 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
41481 Sears has everything.
41483 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
41485 Second Law of Business Meetings:
41486 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
41487 will pick the wrong one.
41490 If there is only one way to spell a name,
41491 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
41493 Second Law of Final Exams:
41494 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
41495 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
41497 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
41499 Secretary's Revenge:
41500 Filing almost everything under "the".
41502 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
41503 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
41504 multiline message byte.
41505 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
41506 must be sent passive true.
41507 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
41508 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
41509 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
41510 (a) The LADS is active
41511 (b) Nor LACS is active"
41513 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
41514 Programmable Instrumentation
41516 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
41518 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
41519 [Who guards the Guardians?]
41521 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
41522 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
41523 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
41525 Sightlessly seeking
41526 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
41527 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
41529 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
41531 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
41532 the second one should have seen it.
41534 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
41535 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
41536 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
41537 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
41538 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
41539 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
41540 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
41542 Seeing is believing.
41543 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
41545 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
41548 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
41549 Will come when it will come.
41550 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41552 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
41553 -- Alfred North Whitehead
41555 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
41556 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
41557 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
41558 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
41559 rocks. They all got out of the car:
41560 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
41561 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
41562 into town and have a specialist look at it."
41563 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
41564 in and see if it does it again."
41566 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
41567 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
41569 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
41570 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
41571 you like me to put it on your bill?"
41572 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
41574 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
41575 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
41576 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
41577 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
41578 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
41580 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
41581 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
41582 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
41583 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
41584 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
41585 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
41586 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
41587 like when God was working it alone!"
41589 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
41590 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
41592 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
41593 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
41596 "Got any bear bells?"
41598 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
41599 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
41600 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
41602 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
41603 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
41606 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
41607 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
41609 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
41610 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
41611 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
41612 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
41614 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
41615 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
41616 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
41617 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
41618 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
41619 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
41620 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
41621 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
41622 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
41623 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
41624 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
41625 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
41626 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
41627 some new underwear.
41628 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
41629 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
41630 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
41631 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
41632 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
41633 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
41635 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
41636 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
41638 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
41639 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
41641 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
41642 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
41644 Self Test for Paranoia:
41645 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
41649 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
41653 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
41656 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
41658 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41660 Send some filthy mail.
41662 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
41663 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
41666 The state of mind of elderly persons
41667 with whom one happens to disagree.
41669 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
41670 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
41671 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
41672 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
41674 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
41676 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
41680 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
41682 Serenity through viciousness.
41687 Serocki's Stricture:
41688 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
41690 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
41692 Set the cart before the horse.
41695 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
41696 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
41697 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
41698 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
41699 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
41700 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
41701 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
41702 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
41703 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
41705 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
41706 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
41707 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
41708 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
41709 like crabgrass all over the United States.
41710 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
41712 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41713 Is all my brain and body need.
41714 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41715 Are very good indeed.
41717 Take your silly ways,
41718 Throw them out the window,
41719 The wisdom of your ways,
41720 I've been there and I know,
41721 Lots of other ways...
41722 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41724 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41726 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41729 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41731 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41732 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41735 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41738 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41740 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41742 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41743 -- Garrison Keillor
41745 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41746 it's still darn tasty!
41748 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
41751 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41755 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41758 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41759 most amount of trouble.
41762 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41763 repeated until infinity.
41764 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41765 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41768 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41769 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41772 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41773 how children do not come into the world.
41776 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41778 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41779 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41782 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41783 pietists to oppress the human race.
41784 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41786 Shannon's Observation
41787 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41788 that is beginning to improve.
41791 To give in, endure humiliation.
41793 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41794 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41795 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41799 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41802 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41804 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41806 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41807 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41808 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41809 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41811 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41812 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41813 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41814 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41816 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41817 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41818 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41820 She been married so many times
41821 she got rice marks all over her face.
41824 She blinded me with science!
41826 She can kill all your files;
41827 She can freeze with a frown.
41828 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41829 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41830 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41831 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41833 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41836 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41838 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41841 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41844 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41845 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41846 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41847 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41848 involvement in "The Avengers".
41850 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41853 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41854 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41856 She often gave herself very good advice
41857 (though she very seldom followed it).
41860 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
41861 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41863 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41864 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41865 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41866 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41868 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41870 She stood on the tracks
41872 Leading me to that third rail shock
41874 She changed her mind
41876 She gave me a night
41878 What will it take until I stop
41882 There's nothing else I can do
41883 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41884 I don't want anyone new
41885 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41886 There's nothing in it for you
41887 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41888 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41890 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41891 But she's just a crumb up here
41892 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41893 With a cauliflower ear
41894 Someday we will be married
41895 And if vegetables become too dear
41896 I'll just cut me a slice of
41897 Her cauliflower ear!
41898 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41900 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41901 good at being short.
41902 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41904 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41906 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41908 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41911 All trails have more uphill sections
41912 than they have downhill sections.
41914 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41916 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41917 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41918 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41919 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41920 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41921 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41922 bad fiction contest.
41924 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41925 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41926 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41929 She's genuinely bogus.
41931 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41932 that others waste time putting into words.
41934 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41936 She's such a kinky girl,
41937 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41938 She will never let your spirits down
41939 Once you get her off the street.
41941 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41944 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41947 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41950 Shift to the right,
41952 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41955 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41959 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41961 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41962 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41963 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41964 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41967 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41968 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41969 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41971 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41972 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41973 body join her long dead brain.
41975 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41976 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
41979 Short people get rained on last.
41981 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
41984 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
41985 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
41988 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
41989 playing golf with his boss.
41991 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
41993 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
41995 Showing up is 80% of life.
41998 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42001 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42002 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42005 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42007 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42008 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42011 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42013 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42015 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42017 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42019 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42020 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42022 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42023 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42027 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42030 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42032 sillema sillema nika su
42033 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42035 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42037 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42038 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42039 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42040 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42041 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42042 intersection in town. BUT!
42044 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42045 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42047 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42048 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42049 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42050 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42052 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42053 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42056 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42059 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42061 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42065 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42066 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42067 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42070 -- by Claude E. Shannon
42072 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42078 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42080 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42081 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42082 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42085 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42086 when others believe him.
42087 -- Charles DeGaulle
42089 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42091 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42092 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42093 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42095 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42096 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42097 burst out in laughter.
42100 Since I hurt my pendulum
42101 My life is all erratic.
42102 My parrot who was cordial
42103 Is now transmitting static.
42104 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42105 The cat keeps doing poo.
42106 The only thing that keeps me sane
42107 Is talking to my shoe.
42110 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42113 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42117 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42118 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42120 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42122 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42124 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
42127 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
42128 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
42129 -- Winston Churchill
42131 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42132 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42133 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42135 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42136 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
42137 It'll cost you though".
42139 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
42140 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
42142 "An arm and a leg", said God.
42144 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
42147 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42148 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42149 gives us modern art.
42152 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42153 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42154 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42155 should have gotten.
42157 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42158 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42159 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42160 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42161 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42164 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42166 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
42167 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
42169 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
42170 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
42171 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
42172 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
42173 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
42174 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
42175 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
42176 for deliverance from chains.
42177 -- Frederick Douglass
42179 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42182 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42184 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42185 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
42186 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42187 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42188 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42189 attracted to dark objects.
42192 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42197 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42200 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42201 it sits in the dish too long.
42202 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42204 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42206 Small is beautiful.
42207 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42209 Small things make base men proud.
42210 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42212 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42213 teacher was in my class for five years.
42216 Smear the road with a runner!!
42218 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42220 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42222 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42225 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42226 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42227 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42228 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42229 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42230 filed 30 days in advance.
42232 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42235 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42237 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42238 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42241 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42242 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42244 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42246 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42249 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42251 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42253 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42254 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42256 Snow Day -- stay home.
42258 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42259 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42260 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42261 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42262 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42263 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42265 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42266 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42267 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42268 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42270 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42271 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42272 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42273 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42274 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42275 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42276 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42279 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42282 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42283 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42284 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42285 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42286 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42287 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42288 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42289 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42290 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42292 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42293 praise of intelligence.
42294 -- Bertrand Russell
42296 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42297 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42298 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42299 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42301 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42302 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42303 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42304 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42305 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42306 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42307 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42308 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42309 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42311 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42313 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42314 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42316 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42319 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42320 large as it needs to be?
42322 So little time, so little to do.
42325 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42326 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42328 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42331 So many men and so little time.
42333 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42334 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42336 So many women, and so little time!
42338 So many women, so little nerve.
42340 So much food, and so little time!
42356 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42379 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42380 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42381 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42383 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42384 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42385 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42386 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42387 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42388 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42392 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42393 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42394 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42396 So... so you think you can tell
42398 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
42399 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
42400 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
42401 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
42402 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
42404 A walk on part in a war
42405 For the lead role in a cage?
42406 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
42408 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
42409 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
42411 So, you better watch out!
42412 You better not cry!
42413 You better not pout!
42414 I'm telling you why,
42415 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
42417 He knows when you've been sleeping,
42418 He know when you're awake.
42419 He knows if you've been bad or good,
42420 He has ties with the CIA.
42423 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
42424 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
42425 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
42426 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
42427 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
42428 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
42429 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
42431 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
42432 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
42435 So you're back... about time...
42437 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
42438 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
42442 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
42445 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
42447 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
42449 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
42450 The government sells it.
42452 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
42454 The government shoots one cow,
42455 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
42457 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
42459 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
42462 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
42466 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
42468 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
42469 like a staff function."
42472 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
42473 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
42474 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
42475 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
42477 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
42478 Are practically zero,
42479 But those who wish to be civilians,
42480 They run into the millions.
42482 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
42485 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
42486 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
42489 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
42490 and some few to be chewed and digested.
42492 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
42494 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
42495 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
42497 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
42498 as when you find a trout in the milk.
42501 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
42503 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
42505 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
42507 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
42509 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
42512 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
42516 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
42517 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
42518 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
42520 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
42522 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
42523 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
42526 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
42527 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
42529 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
42532 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
42533 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
42536 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
42537 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
42540 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
42543 Some men who fear that they are playing
42544 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
42546 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
42547 The answer is: I don't know.
42548 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
42550 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
42551 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
42552 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
42553 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
42554 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
42555 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
42556 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
42557 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
42559 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
42560 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
42561 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
42562 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
42563 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
42564 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
42565 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
42566 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
42567 he received, shame and wounds."
42569 Some of the things that live the longest
42570 in peoples' memories never really happened.
42572 Some of them want to use you,
42573 Some of them want to be used by you,
42574 ...Everybody's looking for something.
42577 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
42580 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
42581 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
42582 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
42583 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
42584 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
42585 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
42586 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
42587 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
42588 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
42589 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
42590 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
42592 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
42594 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
42595 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
42597 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
42598 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
42599 two-dimensional ones.
42600 -- F. Frederick Skitty
42602 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
42604 Some people cause happiness wherever
42605 they go; others, whenever they go.
42607 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
42608 but at least you only have to climb it once.
42610 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
42611 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
42613 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
42615 Some people have parts that are so private
42616 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
42618 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
42621 Some people live life in the fast lane.
42622 You're in oncoming traffic.
42624 Some people manage by the book, even though they
42625 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
42627 Some people need a good imaginary cure
42628 for their painful imaginary ailment.
42630 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
42632 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
42634 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
42635 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
42638 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
42639 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
42641 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
42642 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
42646 Some points to remember [about animals]:
42648 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
42650 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
42651 front of your clothes;
42652 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
42653 you have just kicked.
42654 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42656 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
42657 And tasted it, and found it good.
42658 And that is why your Cousin May
42659 Fell through the parlor floor today.
42662 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
42664 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42666 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
42668 Some say the world will end in fire,
42670 From what I've tasted of desire
42671 I hold with those who favor fire.
42672 But if it had to perish twice
42673 I think I know enough of hate
42674 To say that for destruction, ice
42677 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
42679 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
42682 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
42684 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
42687 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
42688 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
42690 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
42691 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
42692 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
42693 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
42695 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
42696 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
42697 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
42698 That don't smell very nice --
42699 He's nobody's moggy now.
42701 Oh you who love your pussy,
42702 Be sure to keep him in.
42703 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
42704 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
42705 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
42706 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
42707 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
42708 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
42709 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
42710 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
42711 Just red and squashed and soggy --
42712 He's nobody's moggy now.
42713 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
42715 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42716 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42718 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42719 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42721 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42722 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42723 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42726 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42729 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42731 Someday your prints will come.
42734 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42735 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42736 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42738 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42740 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42741 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42742 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42745 Someone is speaking well of you.
42748 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42750 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42752 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42754 Something better...
42756 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42757 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42758 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42759 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42760 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42761 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42763 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42765 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42766 mind putting that thing away.
42767 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42768 It's what's in it that matters.
42769 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42771 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42772 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42774 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42775 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42777 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42778 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42780 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42783 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42784 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42787 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42790 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42791 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42794 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42795 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42796 -- Richard M. Nixon
42798 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42801 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42802 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42803 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42804 Either light up or leave me alone.
42806 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42807 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42811 Sometimes I live in the country,
42812 And sometimes I live in town.
42813 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42814 To jump in the river and drown.
42816 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42817 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42819 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42820 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42821 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42823 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42826 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42829 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42831 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42832 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42833 me because I am beautiful.
42834 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
42836 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42838 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42839 Other times I can hardly see.
42840 Lately it occurs to me
42841 What a long strange trip it's been.
42842 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42844 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42847 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42848 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42849 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42850 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42853 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42854 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42857 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42861 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42863 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42865 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42866 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42869 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42872 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42873 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42874 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42875 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42876 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42878 Song Title of the Week:
42879 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42882 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42883 paid may disregard this fortune).
42885 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42889 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42891 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42893 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42894 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42895 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42896 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42898 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42901 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42904 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42905 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42906 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42907 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42910 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42912 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42914 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42917 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42918 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42919 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42922 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42923 And beat him when he sneezes:
42924 He only does it to annoy
42925 Because he knows it teases.
42929 I speak severely to my boy,
42930 And beat him when he sneezes:
42931 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42932 The pepper when he pleases!
42935 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
42937 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42938 And boot it when it crashes;
42939 It knows that one cannot relax
42940 Because the paging thrashes!
42944 I speak severely to my VAX,
42945 And boot it when it crashes;
42946 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42947 My jobs it always thrashes!
42951 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42953 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42956 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42957 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42958 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42959 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42960 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42961 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42962 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42963 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42964 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42965 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42966 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42967 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42968 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42969 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42970 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42971 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42972 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42973 syllable is thine!"
42974 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42976 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
42977 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
42978 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
42979 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
42980 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
42981 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
42982 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
42983 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
42984 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
42986 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
42988 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
42989 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
42990 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
42991 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
42992 Helpless users with projects due
42993 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
42995 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
42996 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
42998 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
42999 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43002 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43003 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43004 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43005 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43006 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43007 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43008 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43009 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43011 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43012 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43014 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43015 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43016 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43017 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43018 Faculty members especially welcome.
43020 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
43022 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43023 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43024 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43025 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43027 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43028 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43029 number of times you have looked at it.
43031 Spelling is a lossed art.
43033 Spence's Admonition:
43034 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43036 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43042 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43044 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43046 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43047 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43049 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43052 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43053 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43055 Spring is here, spring is here,
43056 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43059 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43060 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43062 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43064 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43065 who through strategy and stealth
43066 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43067 Here's a toasting to his health --
43068 but not too many toastings
43069 lest you lose yourself and then
43070 forget the good St. Patrick
43071 and see all those snakes again.
43073 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43075 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43077 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43078 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43079 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43080 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43081 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43082 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
43083 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
43084 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
43085 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
43086 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
43087 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
43088 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
43089 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
43090 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
43091 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
43092 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
43093 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
43094 All it said was: "Write two letters."
43096 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43098 Stamp out philately.
43101 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43103 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43104 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43105 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43108 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43110 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43111 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43113 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
43114 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
43115 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
43116 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
43119 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43122 Start the day with a smile.
43123 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43125 State license plates we'd like to see:
43127 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
43129 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
43133 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
43135 State license plates we'd like to see:
43139 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
43141 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
43143 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
43147 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43149 State license plates we'd like to see:
43151 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43152 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43153 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43155 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43157 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43159 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43160 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43161 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43165 A system for expressing your political
43166 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43168 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43171 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43173 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43175 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43179 Stay together, drag each other down.
43181 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43182 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43183 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43185 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43186 Though we really did try to make it,
43187 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43189 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43190 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43191 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43193 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43194 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43195 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43197 But it's too late baby...
43198 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43199 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43201 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43202 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43203 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43204 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43205 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43207 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43209 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43210 Good enough is never good enough.
43212 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43213 Everybody should believe in something --
43214 I believe I'll have another drink.
43216 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43217 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43220 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43221 Embezzlement is another matter.
43224 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43226 Step back, unbelievers!
43227 Or the rain will never come.
43228 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43229 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43230 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43231 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43233 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43234 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43235 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43236 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43237 very little call for those up there.
43238 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43240 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43241 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43243 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43244 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43246 Stock's Observation:
43247 You no sooner get your head above water
43248 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43251 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43253 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43254 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43255 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43256 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43257 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43258 on the credulity of human nature.
43260 Stop me, before I kill again!
43262 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43263 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43265 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43267 Strange things are done to be number one
43268 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43269 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43270 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43271 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43272 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43273 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43274 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43275 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43276 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43277 The movers came to crate the frame;
43278 It weighed a million ton!
43279 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43280 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43281 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43282 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43283 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43284 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43285 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43286 Because they couldn't deliver.
43287 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43290 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43293 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43294 after those creating it have left the organization.
43296 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43298 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43299 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43300 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43301 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43302 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43303 and have a nice day.
43305 Strive to the pass of high mountain
43306 Cross in the shallow side of the wide ocean
43307 Do not give up because of distance
43308 Will certainly reach if walks
43309 Do not discourage of human
43310 Shall overcome if you try
43311 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43313 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43314 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43315 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43316 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43319 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43320 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43323 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43325 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43327 Stupidity is its own reward.
43330 90% of everything is crud.
43332 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43334 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43335 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43337 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
43338 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43341 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
43342 way before it is understood.
43344 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43345 the streets after them.
43348 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43350 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43352 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43353 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43355 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43357 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43359 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43361 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
43362 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43364 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43366 Such a fine first dream!
43367 But they laughed at me; they said
43370 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43371 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43373 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43374 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43375 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43377 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43378 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43380 Sudden Death Dating:
43383 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43384 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43386 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43387 without his duck ...
43389 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43390 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43391 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43392 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43393 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43395 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43397 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43399 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43404 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43405 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43406 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43409 The Network IS the Load Average.
43411 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43413 To code the impossible code,
43414 To bring up a virgin machine,
43415 To pop out of endless recursion,
43416 To grok what appears on the screen,
43418 To right the unrightable bug,
43419 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43420 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43421 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43424 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43425 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43426 progressively reducing solar elevation.
43428 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
43429 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
43432 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
43433 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
43434 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
43435 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
43437 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
43438 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
43440 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
43442 -- Overheard at a supervision
43444 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
43446 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
43448 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
43450 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
43451 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
43453 Support the Girl Scouts!
43454 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
43456 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
43458 Support your local church or synagogue.
43459 Worship at Bank of America.
43461 Support your local police force -- steal!!
43463 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
43465 Support your right to arm bears!!
43467 Support your right to bare arms!
43468 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
43470 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
43471 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
43472 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
43473 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
43474 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
43475 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
43476 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
43478 -- Christopher Evans
43480 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
43482 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
43483 But what if he forgets?
43485 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
43486 men in national government too.
43487 -- Richard M. Nixon
43489 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
43491 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
43492 Just type in your name and social security number.
43493 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
43499 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
43501 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
43504 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
43505 strapped on with electrical tape.
43508 The way of the tuna.
43510 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
43511 -- William Shakespeare
43514 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
43518 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
43521 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
43524 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
43526 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
43529 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
43530 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
43532 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
43533 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
43534 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
43536 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
43538 Swipple's Rule of Order:
43539 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
43541 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
43542 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
43545 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
43546 unusually pale and clear.
43547 Problem: Glass empty.
43548 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43550 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
43551 and the front of your shirt is wet.
43552 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
43553 wrong part of face.
43554 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
43555 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
43557 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43559 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
43560 Fault: The Bar is closing.
43561 Action Required: Panic.
43563 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
43564 You cannot see the bathroom light.
43565 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
43566 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
43567 treat yourself to a lie-in.
43569 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43571 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
43572 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
43573 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
43576 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
43577 Fault: Improper bladder control.
43578 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
43579 to the owner about its lack of house training and
43580 demand a beer as compensation.
43582 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43584 Symptom: Floor blurred.
43585 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
43586 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43588 Symptom: Floor moving.
43589 Fault: You are being carried out.
43590 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
43591 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
43593 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43595 Symptom: Floor swaying.
43596 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
43598 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
43600 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
43601 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
43602 Fault: You have fallen forward.
43603 Action Required: See above.
43605 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
43606 flourescent light strips.
43607 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
43608 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
43609 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
43610 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
43612 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43614 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
43615 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43617 System checkpoint complete.
43619 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
43621 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
43623 System going down in 5 minutes.
43625 System restarting, wait...
43627 System/3! System/3!
43628 See how it runs! See how it runs!
43629 Its monitor loses so totally!
43630 It runs all its programs in RPG!
43631 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
43634 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
43635 Works equally poorly on all systems.
43637 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
43638 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
43639 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43641 Systems programmer:
43642 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
43643 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
43644 are to receive from your boss.
43646 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
43649 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
43650 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
43651 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
43652 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
43653 -- The Roguelet's ABC
43656 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
43658 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
43661 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
43664 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
43665 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
43667 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
43670 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
43672 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
43673 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
43675 Take an astronaut to launch.
43677 Take care of the luxuries and the
43678 necessities will take care of themselves.
43681 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
43682 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
43684 Take everything in stride.
43685 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
43687 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
43688 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
43690 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
43692 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
43694 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
43699 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
43700 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
43703 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
43704 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
43705 have given them to you.
43707 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
43710 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
43711 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
43712 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
43713 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
43715 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
43717 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
43718 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
43719 -- Booth Tarkington
43721 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
43722 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43725 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43727 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43730 Talkers are no good doers.
43731 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43733 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43736 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43737 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43739 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43740 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43741 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43743 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43744 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43745 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43746 It's hanging there on the shed.
43748 All together now...
43749 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43750 Tie me kangaroo down.
43751 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43752 Tie me kangaroo down.
43754 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43755 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43758 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43759 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43760 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43761 headed. You are a Communist.
43763 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43764 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43765 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43766 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43768 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43769 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43770 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43771 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43776 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43777 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43780 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43783 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43786 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43789 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43791 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43792 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43793 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43795 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43798 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43799 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43801 Teachers have class.
43804 Having someone to blame.
43806 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43809 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43810 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43811 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43812 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43813 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43814 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43815 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43816 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43817 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43819 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43820 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43821 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43822 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43823 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43824 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43825 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43826 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43827 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43828 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43829 a moment and then log off.
43831 Technological progress has merely provided us
43832 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43835 Teeth for meat is in mouth
43836 Teeth for human is in soul.
43837 Win one with your body strength
43838 Win many with your mind strength
43839 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43841 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43842 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43844 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43845 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43846 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43847 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43851 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43852 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43853 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43856 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43857 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43858 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43859 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43861 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43864 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43867 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43868 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43870 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43874 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43875 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43877 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43878 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43881 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43882 rather than each other.
43884 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43885 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43886 to touch to be sure.
43888 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43889 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43890 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43891 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43894 Tell me what to think!!!
43896 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43897 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43898 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43899 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43901 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43902 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43903 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43904 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43906 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43907 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43910 Tempt me with a spoon!
43912 Tempt not a desperate man.
43913 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43915 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43916 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43917 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43918 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43919 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43920 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43921 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43922 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43923 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43925 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43928 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43929 way of telling you to stop writing.
43932 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43933 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43934 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43935 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43936 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43937 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43938 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43939 It sleeps well the horned head:
43940 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43941 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43942 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43943 Your friends to death before their time.
43944 Moping, melancholy mad:
43945 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43948 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43949 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43952 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43953 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43954 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43955 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43956 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43958 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43959 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43960 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43961 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43962 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43963 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43964 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43965 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43966 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43967 contemptuously rejected it.
43968 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43969 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43973 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43974 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43975 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43976 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43977 the solution will turn blue-green.
43979 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
43980 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43982 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
43987 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
43988 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
43989 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
43992 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
43993 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
43994 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
43995 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
43996 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
43997 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
43998 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
43999 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44000 called you from here."
44002 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44005 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44007 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44008 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
44009 -- J. Finnegan, USC
44011 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44014 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44015 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44017 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44019 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44020 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44022 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
44025 That does not compute.
44027 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
44028 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
44029 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
44030 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
44032 That feeling just came over me.
44033 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44035 That government is best which governs least.
44036 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44038 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44039 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44040 in the same way as us.
44041 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44049 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44052 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44054 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44055 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44056 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44059 That, that is not, is not.
44060 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44061 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44063 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44064 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44065 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44066 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44067 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44068 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44069 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44071 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44073 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44076 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44077 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44078 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44081 That's always the way when you discover
44082 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44088 How much does it cost?
44090 I only have a dollar.
44093 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44094 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44095 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44096 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44097 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44099 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44100 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
44101 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44106 That's odd. That's very odd.
44107 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44109 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44112 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44113 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44115 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44116 really hate is lousy programmers.
44117 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44119 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44120 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44123 That's what she said.
44125 That's where the money was.
44126 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44128 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44131 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44134 The 357.73 Theory --
44135 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44136 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44138 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
44140 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
44141 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
44142 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
44144 The Abrams' Principle:
44145 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
44147 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
44150 The absent ones are always at fault.
44152 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
44155 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44156 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44158 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44161 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44162 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44163 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44164 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44165 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44166 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44168 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44169 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44170 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44172 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44173 -- Thomas Jefferson
44175 The Advertising Agency Song:
44177 When your client's hopping mad,
44178 Put his picture in the ad.
44179 If he still should prove refractory,
44180 Add a picture of his factory.
44182 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44183 he is already degraded.
44186 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44187 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44190 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44191 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44193 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44194 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44197 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44199 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44201 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44202 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44205 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44206 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44207 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44209 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44210 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44214 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44215 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44216 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44218 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44219 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44220 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44223 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44224 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44226 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44229 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
44230 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44231 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44233 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44234 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44235 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44236 even better, nobody has to play it.
44237 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44239 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44240 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44242 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44244 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44247 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44248 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44251 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44252 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44253 --Salvador De Madariaga
44255 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44256 -- Albertano of Brescia
44258 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44259 doctors nor lawyers.
44262 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44263 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44264 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44265 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44266 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44267 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44268 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44269 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
44270 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44271 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44272 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44273 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
44274 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44275 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44276 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44277 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44278 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44279 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44280 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44281 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44282 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44284 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44285 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44286 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44287 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44288 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44289 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44290 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44291 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44292 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44293 fire-fighting aircraft.
44295 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44297 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44299 Four day work week,
44300 Two ply toilet paper!
44302 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44303 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44304 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44306 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44307 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44308 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44309 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44310 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44311 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44312 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44315 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44316 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44317 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44318 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44319 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44321 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44322 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44323 and color, but also on ability.
44326 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44329 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44330 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44331 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44334 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44335 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44337 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44338 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44339 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44340 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44341 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44342 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44343 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44344 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44345 and therefore do not exist.
44347 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44349 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44350 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44351 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44353 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44354 the morning feeling just terrible.
44357 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44359 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44360 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44362 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44364 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44365 one graveyard to another.
44366 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44368 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44369 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44370 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44374 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44375 average man can see better than he can think.
44377 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44378 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44379 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44381 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44382 carries any reward.
44383 -- John Maynard Keynes
44385 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44386 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44388 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44390 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44391 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44392 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44393 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44394 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44396 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44397 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44398 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44399 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44401 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44402 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44403 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44404 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44405 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44406 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44407 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44408 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44409 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44410 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44411 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44412 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44414 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44416 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44417 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44418 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44419 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44420 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44421 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44422 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44423 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44424 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44425 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44426 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44427 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44428 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44430 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44431 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44432 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
44433 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
44434 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
44435 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44438 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
44440 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
44441 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
44443 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
44444 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
44447 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
44450 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
44451 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
44453 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
44454 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
44455 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
44456 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
44457 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
44458 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
44460 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
44462 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
44465 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
44467 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
44471 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
44474 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
44475 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
44476 by judging things by their price.
44478 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
44479 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
44480 them while they do it.
44481 -- Theodore Roosevelt
44483 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
44485 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
44488 The best man for the job is often a woman.
44490 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
44492 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
44494 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
44495 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
44498 The best prophet of the future is the past.
44500 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
44501 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
44503 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
44504 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
44505 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
44506 being read by a corpse.
44508 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
44509 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
44510 drifting side by side to our common doom.
44513 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
44514 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
44516 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
44518 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
44520 The best things in life are for a fee.
44522 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
44524 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
44526 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
44528 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
44530 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
44532 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
44536 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
44537 smoke is a right worth dying for.
44539 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
44540 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
44541 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
44542 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
44543 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
44544 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
44545 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
44547 The best you get is an even break.
44550 The better part of valor is discretion.
44551 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
44553 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
44554 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
44557 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
44558 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
44559 It's just that they need more supervision.
44561 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
44562 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
44565 The Bible on letters of reference:
44567 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
44568 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
44569 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
44570 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
44571 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
44573 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
44576 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
44577 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
44578 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
44579 hungry all the time?
44581 The bigger the theory the better.
44583 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
44585 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
44588 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
44589 working for someone else.
44591 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
44594 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
44595 and the bird is on the wing.
44598 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
44599 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
44600 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
44601 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
44602 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
44603 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
44604 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
44605 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
44607 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
44609 The bogosity meter just pegged.
44611 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
44612 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
44614 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
44615 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
44617 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
44618 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
44619 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
44620 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
44621 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
44622 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
44623 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
44624 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44626 The boy stood on the burning deck,
44627 Eating peanuts by the peck.
44628 His father called him, but he could not go,
44629 For he loved those peanuts so.
44631 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
44632 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
44634 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
44635 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
44636 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
44637 one, and convert to the next higher units.
44639 The British are coming! The British are coming!
44641 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
44642 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
44643 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44645 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
44646 and humiliating reality.
44649 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
44650 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
44651 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
44652 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
44653 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44655 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
44656 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
44657 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
44660 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
44661 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
44664 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
44665 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
44666 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
44667 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
44670 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
44671 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
44672 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
44673 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
44675 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
44676 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
44677 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
44678 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
44679 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
44681 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
44684 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
44685 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
44687 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
44688 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
44691 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
44692 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
44693 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
44694 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
44696 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44698 The camel has a single hump;
44700 Or else the other way around.
44701 I'm never sure. Are you?
44704 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
44705 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
44706 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
44707 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
44710 The carbonyl is polarized,
44711 The delta end is plus.
44712 The nucleophile will thus attack,
44713 The carbon nucleus.
44714 Addition makes an alcohol,
44715 Of types there are but three.
44716 It makes a bond, to correspond,
44717 From C to shining C.
44718 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
44720 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
44721 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
44723 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
44725 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44728 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44732 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44733 at the steam fitters picnic.
44735 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
44738 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44741 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44744 The church is near but the road is icy,
44745 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44748 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44751 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44752 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44753 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44755 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44757 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44760 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44761 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44762 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44763 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44764 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44765 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44766 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44768 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44770 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44771 is when he fills out a job application form.
44772 -- Stanley J. Randall
44774 The clothes have no emperor.
44775 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44777 The coast was clear.
44780 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44781 intellectual nakedness.
44782 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44784 The Commandments of the EE:
44786 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44787 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44788 embarrassing manner.
44789 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44790 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44791 earthly vale of tears.
44792 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44793 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44794 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44796 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44797 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44800 The Commandments of the EE:
44802 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44803 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44804 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44805 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44806 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44807 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44808 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44809 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44810 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44811 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44812 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44813 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44814 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44815 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44816 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44818 The Commandments of the EE:
44820 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44821 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44822 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44823 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44824 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44825 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44826 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44827 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44828 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44829 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44830 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44831 innocent-seeming device.
44833 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44835 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44837 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44838 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44839 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44843 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44844 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44847 The Computer made me do it.
44849 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44852 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44853 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44855 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44857 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44859 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44860 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44861 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44863 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44865 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44866 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44867 every bird watcher in the country.
44868 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44870 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44871 than what we've got!
44873 The Consultant's Curse:
44874 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44875 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44876 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44878 The control of the production of wealth
44879 is the control of human life itself.
44882 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44883 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44884 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44885 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44887 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44889 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44891 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44894 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44896 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44898 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44899 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44900 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44901 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44903 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44905 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44908 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44909 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44910 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44911 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44912 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44915 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44916 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce
44918 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44921 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44923 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
44925 The Crown is full of it!
44926 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44928 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44929 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44930 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44931 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44932 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44933 of all our rights and privileges.
44934 -- William Ellery Channing
44937 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44938 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44941 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44944 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44945 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44947 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44948 Every class is unfit to govern.
44951 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44952 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44953 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44954 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44955 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
44956 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44957 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44958 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44959 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44961 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44962 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44963 -- Henry David Thoreau
44965 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44967 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44968 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44969 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44970 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44971 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44972 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44973 -- Thomas Jefferson
44975 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44977 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44980 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44981 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44982 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44984 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
44986 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
44987 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
44988 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
44989 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
44991 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
44993 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
44994 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
44996 The degree of civilization in a society
44997 can be judged by entering its prisons.
45000 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45001 proportional to the level of management.
45003 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45004 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45005 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45007 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45008 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45009 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45010 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45011 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45012 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45014 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45015 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45016 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45018 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
45019 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45020 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45021 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45022 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45023 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45024 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45025 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45027 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45030 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45031 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45033 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45035 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45038 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45040 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45042 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45044 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45045 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45048 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45049 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45050 it would be a calamity.
45051 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45053 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45054 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45056 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45057 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45058 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45060 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45061 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45062 is thinking that they're conspiring.
45065 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45066 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45068 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45070 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45071 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45073 The difference between reality and unreality
45074 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45077 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45078 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45081 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45082 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45083 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45084 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45085 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45087 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45088 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45089 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45091 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45093 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45094 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45097 The difference between this place and yogurt
45098 is that yogurt has a live culture.
45100 The difference between us is not very far,
45101 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45103 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45106 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45108 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45109 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45110 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45113 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45115 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45117 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45118 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45121 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45122 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45124 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45125 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45126 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45127 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45128 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45129 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45130 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45131 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45132 Jews won't go near them."
45133 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
45135 The distinction between true and false appears to become
45136 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
45139 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
45140 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
45142 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
45143 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
45144 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
45147 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
45148 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
45149 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
45151 The door is the key.
45153 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
45154 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
45155 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
45156 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
45158 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45159 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45161 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45165 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45167 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45169 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45170 and owns the worm farm.
45173 The early worm gets the bird.
45175 The early worm gets the late bird.
45177 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45179 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45182 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45183 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45185 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45186 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45187 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45188 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45189 valuable possession to him.
45191 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45192 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45193 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45194 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45195 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45196 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45197 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45200 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45201 weather forecasters.
45202 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45204 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45205 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45208 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45210 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45211 Compute' -- I forget which."
45212 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45214 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45215 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45216 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
45217 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45218 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45219 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
45220 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45221 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45222 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45223 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45224 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45225 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45226 wall when the revolution came'.
45228 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45229 -- Buckminster Fuller
45231 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45233 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45235 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45237 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45238 symposium to follow.
45240 The ends justify the means.
45241 -- after Matthew Prior
45243 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45244 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45245 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45246 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45249 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45250 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45251 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45253 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45254 their children to speak it.
45255 -- George Bernard Shaw
45257 The English instinctively admire any man
45258 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45259 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45261 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45262 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45263 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45264 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45265 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45266 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45267 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45268 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45270 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45271 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45272 "A rich, Jewish family."
45274 "A German aristocrat."
45275 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45276 "I spent most of my life in England."
45277 "How did you make a living there?"
45278 "A friend supported me."
45279 "Where did you get the money from?"
45280 "He owned a textile factory."
45282 "Never heard of him."
45283 "What is your name?"
45286 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45287 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45288 a substitute for intelligence.
45291 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45294 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45297 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45298 is the most likely to be correct.
45299 -- William of Occam
45301 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45302 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45303 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45304 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45305 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45306 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45307 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45308 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45309 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45312 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45314 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45315 All the livelong day;
45316 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45317 You cannot get away;
45318 Do not think you can escape them
45319 From night 'til early in the morn;
45320 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45321 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45322 -- University of Texas' school song
45324 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45325 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45326 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45327 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45329 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45330 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45333 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
45334 in general as no other can.
45337 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45340 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45341 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45345 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
45346 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
45348 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45350 The farther you go, the less you know.
45351 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45353 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45354 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45356 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45357 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45358 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45359 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45360 so long as they are Tories.
45361 -- Christopher Booker
45363 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45366 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45367 -- The Grateful Dead
45369 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45370 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45372 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45373 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45374 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45375 of their own homes.
45376 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45381 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45382 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45383 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45385 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45386 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45387 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45388 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45390 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45391 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45393 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45394 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45395 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45396 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45397 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45398 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45399 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45400 for them to despise science fiction.
45401 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
45403 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45404 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45405 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45406 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45407 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45408 center at Notre Dame."
45409 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45412 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45413 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45414 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45415 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45416 and become lesbians."
45418 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45419 (1) write down the problem.
45420 (2) think very hard.
45421 (3) write down the answer.
45422 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45425 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45427 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45428 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45430 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45432 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45434 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
45435 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
45437 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
45439 -- John Quincy Adams
45441 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
45442 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
45443 to man are contained in it.
45446 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
45447 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
45448 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
45451 The First Commandment for Technicians:
45452 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45453 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45454 untechnician-like manner.
45456 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
45459 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
45460 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
45461 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
45462 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
45463 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
45464 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
45465 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
45466 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
45467 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
45468 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
45469 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
45470 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
45471 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
45472 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
45473 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
45474 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
45475 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
45476 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
45477 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
45478 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
45480 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
45481 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
45483 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
45484 and the second half by our children.
45487 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
45488 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
45490 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
45491 management is that success equals skill.
45494 The first requisite for immortality is death.
45497 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
45498 child, was propounded to me by my father:
45499 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
45501 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
45503 "A herring," said my father.
45504 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
45505 "So hang it there."
45506 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
45508 "But a herring isn't wet."
45509 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
45510 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
45512 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
45514 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
45516 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
45519 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45522 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
45523 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
45524 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
45526 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
45529 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
45533 The first thing I do in the morning
45534 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
45537 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
45538 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
45540 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
45541 The second, a trick.
45542 Later, it's a well-established technique!
45543 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
45545 The first version always gets thrown away.
45547 The five rules of Socialism:
45550 2. If you do think, don't speak.
45551 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
45552 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
45553 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
45555 -- being told in Poland, 1987
45557 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
45559 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
45560 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
45562 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
45565 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
45566 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
45568 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
45569 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
45570 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
45571 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
45573 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
45574 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
45575 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
45578 The following statement is not true.
45579 The previous statement is true.
45581 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
45583 1. You can't push on a string.
45584 2. Ain't no free lunches.
45585 3. Them as has, gets.
45586 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
45588 The Force is what holds everything together.
45589 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
45590 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
45592 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
45593 completely surrounded by people who want some.
45594 -- Dwight MacDonald
45596 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
45597 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
45598 rests on mutual help.
45601 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
45602 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
45604 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
45605 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
45607 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
45608 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
45610 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
45611 if the character does not have fire resistance.
45612 -- README file from the NetHack game
45614 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
45618 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
45619 -- Somerset Maugham
45621 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
45622 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
45624 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
45625 of both parties tactfully interferes.
45626 -- G. K. Chesterton
45628 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
45629 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
45630 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
45632 The future is a myth created by insurance
45633 salesmen and high school counselors.
45635 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
45638 The future is going to be boring.
45641 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
45643 The future lies ahead.
45645 The future not being born, my friend,
45646 we will abstain from baptizing it.
45649 The garden is in mourning;
45650 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
45651 Summer shivers quietly
45652 On its way towards its end.
45654 Golden leaf after leaf
45655 Falls from the tall acacia.
45656 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
45657 In this dying dream of a garden.
45659 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
45660 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
45662 Close her weary eyes.
45663 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
45665 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
45667 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
45668 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
45669 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
45672 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
45674 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
45676 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
45679 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
45680 remember her first husband.
45682 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
45684 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
45687 The glances over cocktails
45688 That seemed to be so sweet
45689 Don't seem quite so amorous
45690 Over Shredded Wheat
45692 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
45693 least until we've finished building it.
45695 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
45696 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
45698 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
45699 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
45701 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
45705 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
45706 He who has the gold makes the rules.
45708 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
45709 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
45710 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
45711 man in the bonds of Hell.
45714 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
45718 The good (I am convinced, for one)
45719 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
45720 Once your reputation's done
45721 You can live a life of fun.
45724 The good life was so elusive
45725 It really got me down
45726 I had to regain some confidence
45727 So I got into camaflouge
45729 The good time is approaching,
45730 The season is at hand.
45731 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45732 Will be heard throughout the land.
45733 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45734 Budless are the trees.
45735 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45736 Is borne upon the breeze.
45737 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45740 If a string has one end, it has another.
45742 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45743 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45744 and they can't fire it.
45746 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45747 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45748 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45749 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45750 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45751 down anything he damn well pleases.
45752 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45754 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45755 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45756 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45758 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45760 -- George Washington
45762 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45763 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45764 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45765 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45766 "Send Lord Combermere."
45767 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45768 Combermere a fool."
45769 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45770 -- G. W. E. Russell
45772 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45773 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45776 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45777 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45778 -- Benjamin Franklin
45780 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45782 The grave's a fine and private place,
45783 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45786 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45787 -- Charles de Gaulle
45789 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45790 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45791 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45792 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45793 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45795 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45797 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45798 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45800 The Great Movie Posters:
45802 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45803 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45804 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45806 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45807 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45808 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45810 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45811 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45812 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45813 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45814 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45816 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45817 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45818 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45820 The Great Movie Posters:
45822 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45824 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45826 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45827 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45829 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45831 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45833 The family that slays together stays together.
45834 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45836 The Great Movie Posters:
45838 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45841 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45842 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45843 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45845 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45848 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45851 The Great Movie Posters:
45853 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45854 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45855 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45856 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45858 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45859 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45861 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45862 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45863 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45864 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45865 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45867 They're Over-Exposed
45868 But Not Under-Developed!
45869 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45871 The Great Movie Posters:
45873 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45874 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45876 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45877 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45878 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45880 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45881 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45882 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45884 The Great Movie Posters:
45886 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45887 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45889 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45890 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45892 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45893 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45895 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45896 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45898 The Great Movie Posters:
45900 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45901 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45902 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45905 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45906 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45909 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45910 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45911 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45912 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45913 was a girl in love!
45914 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45915 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45917 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45918 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45920 The Great Movie Posters:
45922 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45923 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45925 She Sins in Mobile --
45926 Marries in Houston --
45927 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45928 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45929 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45932 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45933 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45935 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45936 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45937 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45938 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45939 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45940 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45942 The Great Movie Posters:
45944 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45945 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45946 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45947 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45948 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45949 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45950 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45951 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45954 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45955 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45957 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45958 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45959 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45960 give you the wim-wams!
45961 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45963 The Great Movie Posters:
45965 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45966 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45967 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45968 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45970 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45971 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45973 It's always better when you come again!
45974 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45976 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45979 The Great Movie Posters:
45981 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45982 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45983 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
45985 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
45987 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
45990 TOMORROW the World!
45993 The Great Movie Posters:
45995 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
45996 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46003 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
46004 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
46005 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46006 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46007 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46008 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46009 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46010 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46011 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46012 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46014 The Great Movie Posters:
46016 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46017 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46019 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46020 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46021 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46022 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46023 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46024 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46026 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46028 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46030 The Great Movie Posters:
46032 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46033 horror on a screaming world!
46034 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46036 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
46038 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46040 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46041 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46042 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46043 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46045 The Great Movie Posters:
46047 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46048 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46049 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46051 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46052 -- The French Line (1954)
46054 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46055 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46057 The Great Movie Posters:
46059 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46061 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46063 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46064 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46066 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46067 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46068 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46070 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46074 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46075 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46076 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46079 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46080 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46081 answered themselves.
46084 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46085 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46086 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46088 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46089 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46091 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46094 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46095 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46096 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46097 their wives and daughters to his arms.
46098 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
46100 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46103 The Greatest Mathematical Error
46104 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46105 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46106 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46107 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46108 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
46109 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46110 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46111 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46112 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46113 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46115 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46116 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46118 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46120 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46123 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46125 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46126 it delivers its message and then disappears.
46128 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
46129 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
46130 would have been useful to the chicken.
46132 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
46134 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
46137 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
46138 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
46140 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
46143 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
46144 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
46146 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
46147 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
46148 author's name on the title page.
46149 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
46151 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
46152 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
46154 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
46155 of functions performed by private citizens.
46156 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46158 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46159 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46161 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46164 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46166 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46168 The heaviest object in the world is the
46169 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46170 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46172 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46173 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46175 The help people need most urgently is
46176 help in admitting that they need help.
46178 The herd instinct among economists
46179 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
46181 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46182 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46183 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46184 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46185 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46186 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46188 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46190 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46191 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46192 least 5000 years old."
46194 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46195 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46197 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46198 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46199 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46200 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46201 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46203 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46205 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46206 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46209 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46211 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46213 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46214 pretext that your brother did it.
46216 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46219 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46220 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46223 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46224 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46227 The horror... the horror!
46229 The human animal differs from the lesser
46230 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
46233 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46234 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46235 -- Sir George Jessel
46237 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46238 has gills through which it can see.
46241 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
46242 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46244 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
46245 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
46248 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
46249 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
46250 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
46251 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
46252 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
46253 certain degree of awe.
46254 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46256 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46259 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46260 procession but carrying a banner.
46263 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46266 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46267 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46270 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46271 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46274 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46275 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46277 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46280 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46281 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46282 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46285 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46286 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46287 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46288 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46289 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46290 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46291 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46292 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46293 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46294 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46296 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46297 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46300 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46301 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46302 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46303 -- John Maynard Keyes
46305 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46308 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46310 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46313 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46317 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46318 A program is a lot like a nose:
46319 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46321 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46323 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46325 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46326 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46327 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46330 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46331 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46332 important thing to people.
46333 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46335 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46336 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46337 -- Bertrand Russell
46339 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46340 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46343 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46344 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46345 pointer and a mark.
46346 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46348 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46349 number of participants.
46352 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46353 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46354 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46355 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46356 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46357 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46358 overturning everything.
46359 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46361 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
46362 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
46364 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46365 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46366 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46367 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46369 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46370 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46371 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46372 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46374 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46375 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46378 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46379 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46380 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46381 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46382 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46385 The Junior God now heads the roll
46386 In the list of heaven's peers;
46387 He sits in the House of High Control,
46388 And he regulates the spheres.
46389 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46390 If, even in gods divine,
46391 The best and wisest may not be those
46392 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46395 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46396 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46397 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46398 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46399 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46400 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46401 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46402 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46403 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46404 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46405 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46406 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46407 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46408 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46409 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46410 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46412 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46413 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46416 The Kennedy Constant:
46417 Don't get mad -- get even.
46419 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46422 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46423 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46424 advantage to see the truth.
46425 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46427 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46429 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46430 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46432 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46434 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
46435 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
46437 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
46438 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
46441 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
46442 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
46443 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
46445 The knowledge that makes us cherish
46446 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
46449 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
46450 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
46451 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
46452 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
46453 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
46454 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
46455 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
46456 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
46457 And now, just look at me."
46459 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
46460 Would shudder at a wicked word.
46461 Their candle gives a single light;
46462 They'd rather stay at home at night.
46463 They do not keep awake till three,
46464 Nor read erotic poetry.
46465 They never sanction the impure,
46466 Nor recognize an overture.
46467 They shrink from powders and from paints...
46468 So far, I've had no complaints.
46471 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
46472 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
46473 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
46475 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
46478 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
46479 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
46481 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
46483 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
46486 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
46490 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
46491 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
46494 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
46497 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
46498 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
46501 The Law of the Letter:
46502 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
46504 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
46505 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46507 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
46509 -- Henry David Thoreau
46511 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
46512 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
46513 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
46517 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
46518 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
46519 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
46520 give a public reading of his latest poem.
46521 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
46522 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
46523 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
46524 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
46525 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
46526 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
46528 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
46529 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
46530 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
46531 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
46532 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
46533 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
46534 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
46535 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
46536 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
46538 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46540 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
46541 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
46542 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
46543 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
46544 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
46545 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
46546 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
46547 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
46548 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46550 The Least Successful Collector
46551 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
46552 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
46553 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
46554 works of Shakespeare.
46555 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
46556 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
46557 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
46558 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
46559 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
46560 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
46561 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46563 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
46564 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
46565 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
46566 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
46568 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
46569 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
46570 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
46571 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
46572 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
46573 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
46575 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46577 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
46578 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
46579 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
46580 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
46581 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
46583 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46585 The Least Successful Executions
46586 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
46587 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
46588 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
46589 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
46590 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
46591 punishment, he was reprieved.
46592 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
46593 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
46594 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
46595 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
46596 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
46597 to America and lived until 1933.
46598 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46600 The Least Successful Police Dogs
46601 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
46602 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
46603 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
46604 offend the criminal classes.
46605 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
46606 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
46607 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
46608 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
46609 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
46611 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
46612 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
46613 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
46614 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
46615 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46617 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
46620 The less time planning, the more time programming.
46622 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
46624 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
46625 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
46626 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
46627 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
46628 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
46629 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
46630 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
46631 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
46633 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
46635 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
46636 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
46637 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
46640 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
46642 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
46643 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
46644 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
46645 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
46646 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
46647 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
46649 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
46651 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
46652 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
46653 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
46654 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
46655 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
46657 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
46658 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
46659 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
46660 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
46662 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
46663 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
46665 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
46668 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
46669 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
46670 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
46673 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
46675 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
46676 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
46677 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
46678 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
46679 it travels across the screen.
46681 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
46683 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
46684 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
46685 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
46686 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
46688 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
46690 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
46691 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
46692 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
46693 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
46694 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
46696 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
46698 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
46699 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
46700 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
46701 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
46702 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
46703 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
46704 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
46705 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
46706 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
46707 who end up using this language.
46709 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
46711 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
46712 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
46713 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
46714 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
46715 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
46716 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
46717 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
46718 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
46719 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
46721 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
46724 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
46727 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46730 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46732 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46734 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46736 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46737 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46740 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46741 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46744 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46745 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46747 The little town that time forgot,
46748 Where all the women are strong,
46749 The men are good-looking,
46750 And the children above-average.
46751 -- Prairie Home Companion
46753 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46754 door with a basket of kittens.
46755 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46756 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46757 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46758 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46759 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46760 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46761 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46762 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46764 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46765 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46766 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46769 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46772 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46774 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46775 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46777 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46778 we could with both of them.
46779 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46781 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46782 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46784 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46788 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46789 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46791 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46792 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46793 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46794 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46795 steel through your last meal!'
46796 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46798 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46800 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46801 Are of imagination all compact...
46802 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46804 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46806 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46807 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46809 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46812 The major advances in civilization are processes
46813 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46816 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46817 bonds will eventually mature.
46819 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46822 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46826 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46827 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46831 The makers may make,
46832 And the users may use,
46833 But the fixers must fix
46834 With but minimal clues.
46836 The man she had was kind and clean
46837 And well enough for every day,
46838 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46839 The one that got away.
46840 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46842 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46843 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46844 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46846 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46847 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46848 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46849 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46850 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46851 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46852 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46853 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46854 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46855 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46856 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46857 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46859 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46860 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46862 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46864 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46867 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46870 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46871 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46873 The man who runs may fight again.
46876 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46877 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46878 -- Old Japanese proverb
46880 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46881 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46884 The man who understands one woman is
46885 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46888 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46889 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46892 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46893 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46896 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46899 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46901 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46902 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46903 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46905 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46906 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46909 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46910 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46911 master calls a butterfly.
46912 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46914 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46915 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46916 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46918 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46920 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46922 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46923 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46924 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46926 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46929 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46931 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46932 always end up on their ends without any means.
46935 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46936 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46938 The meek don't want it.
46940 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46942 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46944 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46945 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46947 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46950 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46952 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46954 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46955 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46957 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46959 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46960 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46963 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46964 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46966 -- Winston Churchill
46968 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46969 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46970 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46971 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46973 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46974 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46977 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46978 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46981 The operation completed successfully.
46983 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46984 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
46986 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
46988 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
46989 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
46990 being who produces the impressions.
46991 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
46993 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
46994 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
46995 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
46996 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
46997 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
46998 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47000 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47003 The Modelski Chain Rule:
47004 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47005 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47007 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47008 bright-looking individual.
47009 3: Procure a large chain.
47010 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47011 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47012 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47013 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47015 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47016 -- Laurence J. Peter
47018 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47019 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47021 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47023 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47024 -- Nicol Williamson
47026 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47028 The moon is made of green cheese.
47031 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47033 The Moral Majority is neither.
47035 The more control, the more that requires control.
47037 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47038 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47040 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47042 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47043 lower the mailing cost.
47044 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47046 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47048 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47049 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47051 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47052 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47054 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47055 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47058 The more the merrier.
47061 The more they over-think the plumbing
47062 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47064 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47067 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47069 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47071 The more we disagree, the more chance
47072 there is that at least one of us is right.
47074 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47076 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47078 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47079 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47080 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47082 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47084 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47087 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47089 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47090 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47091 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47092 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47093 have the good fortune to find one.
47096 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47097 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47098 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47101 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47102 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47105 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47106 -- American proverb
47108 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47111 b) The American Nazi Party
47112 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47114 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47115 the country is the one on which you resell it.
47118 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47119 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47121 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47122 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
47123 -- Theodore H. White
47125 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
47127 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
47128 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
47129 -- Alfred De Musset
47131 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
47132 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
47135 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
47136 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
47137 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
47138 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
47139 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
47140 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
47141 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
47142 starts a long, long time before the event.
47143 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
47144 from "Congress Eate It Up"
47146 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
47147 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
47150 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
47151 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
47152 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
47154 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47156 The most important early product on the way
47157 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47159 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47160 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47162 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47163 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47166 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47168 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47169 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47171 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47172 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47173 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47175 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47176 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47177 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47178 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47179 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47180 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47181 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47182 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47183 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47184 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47185 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47186 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47187 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47188 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47189 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47190 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47191 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47192 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47193 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47194 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47195 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47196 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47197 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47198 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47199 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
47200 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47202 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47203 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47207 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47208 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47209 them were fishermen.
47212 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47213 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47214 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47215 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47216 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47217 to commit adultery.
47218 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47219 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47220 the printers L3,000.
47221 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47223 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47224 children for their insurance money.
47227 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47229 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47230 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47231 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47232 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47234 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47235 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47236 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47238 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47239 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47241 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47242 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47244 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47245 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47248 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47249 Support your right to bare arms!
47251 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47254 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47257 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47258 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47259 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47260 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
47262 The net of law is spread so wide,
47263 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47264 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47265 They take in every child of wrong.
47266 O wondrous web of mystery!
47267 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47268 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47270 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47271 I hope I don't get run over again.
47273 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47274 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47277 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47279 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47280 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47282 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
47283 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47287 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47288 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47289 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47290 and running the country ...
47291 -- Robert J Woodhead
47293 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47294 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47297 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47298 The last thing I said was false.
47300 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47301 -- Lucille S. Harper
47303 The nice thing about standards
47304 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
47305 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47307 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47309 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47310 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47312 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47313 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47314 I'm burnt around the edges,
47315 But I'm tender in the middle.
47318 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47319 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47320 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47321 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47322 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47324 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
47325 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
47326 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47328 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47329 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47330 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47331 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47334 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47338 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47339 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47341 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47344 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47345 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47347 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47348 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47350 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47351 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47352 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47355 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
47356 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
47357 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
47360 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
47361 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47363 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47365 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47367 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47369 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
47370 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
47371 of Corporate Planning."
47373 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47375 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47376 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47377 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47378 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47380 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47382 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47383 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47384 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47385 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47386 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47387 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47389 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47390 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47391 more like fourteen.
47392 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47394 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47395 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47396 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47397 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47398 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47400 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47401 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
47404 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47405 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
47407 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47409 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
47410 Let the reader catch his own breath.
47411 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47413 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
47414 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
47417 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47420 The one good thing about repeating your
47421 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
47423 The one L lama, he's a priest
47424 The two L llama, he's a beast
47425 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47426 There isn't any three L lllama.
47427 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47428 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47430 The One Page Principle:
47431 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47432 cannot be understood.
47435 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47436 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47438 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47441 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47444 The only constant is change.
47446 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47447 right turn on a red light.
47450 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47451 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47453 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47455 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47456 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47459 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47460 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47461 -- The Indianapolis Star
47463 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47465 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47467 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47468 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47469 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47470 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47471 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47472 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47473 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47474 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47475 it and are delighted.
47478 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47481 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47482 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47483 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
47486 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47489 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47490 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47491 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47492 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47493 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47495 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47498 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47500 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47502 The only possible interpretation of any research
47503 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
47504 -- Ernest Rutherford
47506 The only problem with being a man of leisure
47507 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
47509 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47512 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47513 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47514 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47515 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47518 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47519 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47520 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47521 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47523 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47525 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47526 for getting acquainted.
47529 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47530 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47533 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47535 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
47536 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
47537 finished, and put inside boxes.
47538 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47540 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
47541 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
47544 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
47545 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47547 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
47549 The only thing better than love is milk.
47551 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
47553 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
47555 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
47557 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
47558 the first one was useless.
47559 -- Nicolas Chamfort
47561 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
47564 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
47565 the lessons that history has to teach.
47568 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
47571 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
47572 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
47573 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
47574 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
47576 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
47580 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
47582 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
47584 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
47585 he has lost over the years.
47586 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
47588 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
47591 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
47595 The only way to amuse some people
47596 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
47598 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
47601 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
47602 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
47605 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
47608 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
47609 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
47610 -- Jean de la Bruyere
47612 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
47615 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
47616 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47619 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47622 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
47624 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
47626 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
47627 and the pessimist knows it.
47628 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
47630 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
47631 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
47632 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
47633 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
47635 The optimum committee has no members.
47636 -- Norman Augustine
47638 The opulence of the front office door varies
47639 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
47641 The orders come down and they march us away.
47642 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
47643 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
47644 But it's better than working for Xerox.
47645 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
47647 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
47651 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
47654 The other line moves faster.
47656 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
47657 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
47658 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
47659 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
47660 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
47661 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
47662 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
47663 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
47664 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
47665 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
47666 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
47667 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
47669 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
47671 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
47672 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
47674 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
47675 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
47676 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
47677 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
47679 The past always looks better than it was.
47680 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
47681 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
47683 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
47684 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
47687 The people sensible enough to give
47688 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
47690 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
47691 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
47692 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
47693 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
47694 person you have always wanted to be.
47697 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
47700 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
47701 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
47705 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
47707 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
47709 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
47711 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
47713 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
47714 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
47715 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
47716 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
47718 The philosopher's treatment of a question
47719 is like the treatment of an illness.
47722 The Phone Booth Rule:
47723 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
47725 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
47726 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
47727 Let others think his heart is big,
47728 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47731 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47732 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47733 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47734 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47735 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47738 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47741 The plural of spouse is spice.
47743 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47744 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47745 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47748 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47749 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47750 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47751 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47752 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47753 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47754 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47755 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47756 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47757 the higher emotions.
47758 She would me "Honey" call,
47759 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47760 But now alas! She's left me
47762 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47763 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47764 The fives did fit her shoe.
47765 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47766 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47767 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47768 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47769 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47770 worst poet in England."
47771 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47773 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47774 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47777 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47778 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47779 save your sanity for later.
47781 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47782 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47783 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47784 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47785 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47787 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47790 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47791 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47792 -- Buckminster Fuller
47794 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47795 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47798 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47801 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47804 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47805 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47807 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47809 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47810 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47811 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47812 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47815 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47816 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47817 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47818 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47820 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47821 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47822 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47824 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47826 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47827 they might force their beliefs on us.
47830 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47833 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47834 knowledge of its ugly side.
47837 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47838 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47839 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47841 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47843 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47844 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47846 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47847 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47848 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47849 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47850 program, should the value of pi change.
47851 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47853 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47854 voters to win the next election.
47856 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47857 represents the secondary theme:
47859 Law Enforcement Officials
47861 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47863 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47866 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47867 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47869 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47870 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47871 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47872 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47873 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47874 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47875 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47877 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47879 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47880 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47883 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47884 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47887 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47888 to sleep every few days.
47890 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47891 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47892 government because they could not keep up.
47895 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47896 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47899 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47900 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47901 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47903 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47905 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47908 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47909 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47910 with sloppy English.
47911 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47913 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47917 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47919 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47920 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47922 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47923 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47927 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47928 thoughts about their neighbours.
47931 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47932 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47933 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47934 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47935 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47936 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47938 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47939 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47941 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47943 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47946 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47947 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47948 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47950 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47951 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47954 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47955 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47957 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47959 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47960 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47961 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47962 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47963 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47964 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47965 remain each in their own position.
47966 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47969 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47970 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47971 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47973 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47975 The questions remain the same.
47976 The answers are eternally variable.
47978 The Rabbits The Cow
47979 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47980 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47983 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47984 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
47987 The rain it raineth on the just
47988 And also on the unjust fella:
47989 But chiefly on the just, because
47990 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
47993 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
47995 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
47996 measurement of the speed of blight.
47998 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
47999 illiterates can read.
48002 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48005 The real man's Bloody Mary:
48006 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
48007 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48009 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48010 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48012 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48014 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48015 -- Christopher Morley
48017 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48018 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48020 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48021 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48023 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48025 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48027 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48028 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48029 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48030 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48031 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48033 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48036 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48037 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48040 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48041 is that the experience makes you wise.
48043 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48047 The reason why worry kills more people
48048 than work is that more people worry than work.
48050 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48051 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48052 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48053 -- George Bernard Shaw
48055 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48056 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48057 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48058 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
48059 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48060 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48062 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48063 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48066 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48070 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48071 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48072 The hen, pleased with that,
48073 Laid an egg in his hat --
48074 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48075 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48077 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48078 -- Japanese proverb
48080 The revolution will not be televised.
48082 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48084 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48087 The rhino is a homely beast,
48088 For human eyes he's not a feast.
48089 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48090 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48093 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48094 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48096 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48097 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48099 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48100 and to his imagination for his facts.
48103 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48107 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48110 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48111 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48113 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
48114 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
48115 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
48116 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
48117 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
48119 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
48120 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
48121 you have and what rights you have not got.
48122 -- J. Parnell Thomas
48124 The ripest fruit falls first.
48125 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
48127 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
48130 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
48133 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
48136 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
48137 and the travelers pay the expense of it.
48141 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
48142 one who is doing it.
48144 The root of all superstition is that men
48145 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
48148 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
48150 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
48151 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
48152 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
48153 take it too seriously.
48154 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48156 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48159 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48160 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48161 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48163 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48164 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48165 it through power, violence or weapons.
48166 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48170 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48171 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48172 the console keyboard.
48173 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48174 card decks together.
48175 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48176 especially if you're already married.
48177 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48178 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48179 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48181 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48182 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48183 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48184 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48185 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48187 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48188 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48189 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48191 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48192 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48193 gesture by the individual to himself.
48194 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48196 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48198 The savior becomes the victim.
48200 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48202 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48203 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48205 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48207 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48209 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48210 showed that all had these things in common:
48212 1) They all had moderate appetites.
48213 2) They all came from middle class homes.
48214 3) All but two of them were dead.
48216 The scum also rises.
48217 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48219 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
48220 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
48221 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
48223 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48224 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48228 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48230 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48231 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48234 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48236 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48238 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48239 you've got it made.
48242 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48243 there is no humor in Heaven.
48246 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48247 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48250 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48251 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
48252 from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48253 milestones are lifted.
48254 -- George Bernard Shaw
48256 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48257 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48258 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48259 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48260 him are dead, he is alive.
48261 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48262 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48263 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48264 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48265 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48266 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48267 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48269 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48272 The sheep died in the wool.
48274 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48276 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48277 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48279 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48281 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48284 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48285 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48287 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48288 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48289 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48291 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48292 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48293 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48297 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
48298 -- [just say that five times...]
48300 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48301 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48303 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48304 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48306 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48307 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48308 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48309 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48310 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48311 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48312 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48313 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48315 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48316 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48317 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48318 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48319 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48320 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48321 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48322 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48323 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48325 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48326 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48327 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48328 one can see only a very few things at once.
48331 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48332 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48335 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48336 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48337 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48338 its theories will hold water.
48340 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48341 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48342 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48343 And slowly she let him inside.
48345 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48346 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48347 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48348 And now will you tell me why?"
48349 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48351 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48352 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48355 The solution of this problem is trivial
48356 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48358 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
48361 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48362 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48363 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48364 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48365 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48366 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48367 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48368 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48369 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48370 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48371 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48372 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48373 the table as the children gathered around him.
48374 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48375 There was total silence.
48376 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48378 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48379 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48381 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48382 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
48384 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48386 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48387 able to correct them.
48390 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48392 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48393 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48394 or further down, might dress a clown.
48395 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48396 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48397 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48398 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48399 But please don't let that get you down,
48400 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48403 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48404 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48405 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48406 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48407 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48408 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48409 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48410 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48411 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48412 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48413 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48414 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48415 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48417 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48419 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48420 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48421 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48422 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48425 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48427 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48428 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48429 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48431 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48433 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48435 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48436 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48437 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48438 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48439 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48440 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48441 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48443 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48445 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48447 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48448 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48450 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48451 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48455 The steady state of disks is full.
48458 The story of the butterfly:
48459 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48460 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48461 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48462 the third day, I heard a knock."
48463 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48464 there was nothing."
48465 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48466 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48468 The story you are about to hear is true.
48469 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48471 The street preacher looked so baffled
48472 When I asked him why he dressed
48473 With forty pounds of headlines
48474 Stapled to his chest.
48475 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48476 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48477 You see, you're just like me.
48478 I hope you're satisfied."
48481 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48483 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48485 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48486 -- Raymond Chandler
48488 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48490 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48491 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48492 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48493 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48494 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48495 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48496 by the values he wills.
48499 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48500 is an emerging underachiever.
48502 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48505 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48506 even any property taxes."
48507 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48509 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48510 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48511 -- The Silver Surfer
48513 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48514 The population is, of course, growing.
48516 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48518 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48521 The sun was shining on the sea,
48522 Shining with all his might:
48523 He did his very best to make
48524 The billows smooth and bright --
48525 And this was very odd, because it was
48526 The middle of the night.
48527 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
48529 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48530 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
48532 The superfluous is very necessary.
48535 The superior man understands what is right;
48536 the inferior man understands what will sell.
48539 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
48540 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
48541 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
48542 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
48543 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
48547 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
48549 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
48552 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
48554 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
48555 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
48558 The surest way to remain a winner is to
48559 win once, and then not play any more.
48561 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
48562 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
48563 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
48565 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
48567 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
48569 The Tao doesn't take sides;
48570 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
48571 The Guru doesn't take sides;
48572 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
48574 The Tao is like a stack:
48575 the data changes but not the structure.
48576 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
48577 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
48579 Hold on to the root.
48581 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
48582 used but never used up.
48583 It is like the extern void:
48584 filled with infinite possibilities.
48586 It is masked but always present.
48587 I don't know who built to it.
48588 It came before the first kernel.
48590 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
48591 is not the entire Tao.
48592 The path that can be specified
48593 is not the Full Path.
48595 We declare the names
48596 of all variables and functions.
48597 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
48599 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
48600 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
48602 Yet magic and hierarchy
48603 arise from the same source,
48604 and this source has a null pointer.
48606 Reference the NULL within NULL,
48607 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
48609 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
48610 artist never that he is a technician.
48611 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48613 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
48615 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
48617 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
48618 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
48619 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
48620 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
48621 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
48622 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
48623 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
48624 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
48625 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
48626 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
48627 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
48628 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
48629 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
48630 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
48631 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
48632 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
48633 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
48634 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
48635 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
48636 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
48637 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
48639 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
48640 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
48642 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
48643 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
48644 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
48645 most untechnician-like manner.
48647 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
48648 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
48651 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
48652 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
48653 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
48654 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
48655 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
48658 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
48659 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
48660 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
48662 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
48665 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
48666 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
48668 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
48670 The Third Law of Photography:
48671 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
48672 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
48673 the dark leaks out.
48675 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
48677 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
48679 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
48683 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
48686 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
48687 I need a lot of sleep.
48688 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
48690 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
48691 accurately it's called mudslinging.
48694 The Thought Police are here. They've come
48695 To put you under cardiac arrest.
48696 And as they drag you through the door
48697 They tell you that you've failed the test.
48698 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
48700 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
48702 The three biggest software lies:
48704 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
48705 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
48706 will fix the microcode.
48707 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
48709 The three laws of thermodynamics:
48710 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
48711 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
48712 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
48714 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
48716 1) Where's the bathroom?
48717 2) What time does the parade start?
48718 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
48720 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
48721 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
48723 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
48725 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
48726 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
48727 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
48729 The three rules of international air travel:
48731 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
48732 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48733 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48734 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48735 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48737 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48738 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48740 The time for action is past!
48741 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48743 The time is right to make new friends.
48745 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48746 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48749 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48750 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48751 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48752 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48753 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48754 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48755 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48756 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48757 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48758 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48759 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48763 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48766 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48768 The tree of research must from time to time
48769 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48772 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48773 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48776 The trouble with a kitten is that
48777 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48780 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48782 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48784 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48786 -- Franklin P. Jones
48788 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48789 think you have nothing more important to do.
48791 The trouble with computers is that they do
48792 what you tell them, not what you want.
48795 The trouble with doing something right the first
48796 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48798 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48799 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48802 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48803 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48806 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48807 -- George S. Kaufman
48809 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48811 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48812 always comes disguised as hard work.
48813 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48815 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48816 and then marry him.
48819 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48822 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48823 the other fellow of a dull one.
48826 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48829 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48830 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48831 all of the people all of the time.
48834 The trouble with you
48835 Is the trouble with me.
48837 But we still don't see.
48838 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48840 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48841 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48842 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48845 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48848 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48851 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48854 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48857 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48860 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48863 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48864 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48866 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48867 Which practically conceal its sex.
48868 I think it clever of the turtle
48869 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48872 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48875 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48878 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48879 -- George Bernard Shaw
48881 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48882 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48883 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48886 The two things that can get you into trouble
48887 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48889 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48890 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48893 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48894 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48895 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48896 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48898 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
48899 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48900 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48902 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48905 The ultimate game show will be the one
48906 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48907 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48909 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48910 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48912 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48913 "100 percent American"...
48914 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48916 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48918 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48921 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48923 The universe is an island,
48924 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48926 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48928 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48929 combination is locked up in the safe.
48932 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48935 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48938 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48939 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48942 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48945 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48946 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48947 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48948 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48950 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48951 and deviation standard.
48953 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48954 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48956 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48957 that I assume it must be evil.
48960 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48961 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48962 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48963 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48964 world put together.
48965 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48967 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48968 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48969 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48971 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48972 regarded as a criminal offence.
48973 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48975 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48978 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48980 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48984 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
48985 constant and regular employment of violence.
48986 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
48988 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
48992 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
48993 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
48994 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
48995 be one of the facts that needs altering.
48996 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
48998 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
48999 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49001 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49002 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49003 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49004 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49005 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49006 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49007 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49008 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49009 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49011 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49012 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49015 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49018 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49019 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49020 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49021 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49022 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49023 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49024 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49026 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49027 it's just a tired feeling.
49029 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49031 The wages of sin are unreported.
49033 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49036 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49037 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49040 The water was not fit to drink.
49041 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49042 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49043 -- Winston Churchill
49045 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49046 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49049 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49052 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49054 The way to a man's heart is through his
49055 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49056 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49058 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49060 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49062 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49064 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49066 The way to make a small fortune in the
49067 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
49069 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49070 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49071 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49072 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49073 I feel together today!
49074 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49076 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49078 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49079 but the leaves are good to smoke!
49082 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
49083 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
49084 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
49085 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
49088 The white race is the cancer of history.
49091 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49094 The whole of life is futile unless you
49095 consider it as a sporting proposition.
49097 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49098 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49099 -- Bertrand Russell
49101 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49104 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49107 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
49110 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49111 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49112 It must have blown through someone's feet,
49113 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49116 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49117 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49121 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
49122 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
49124 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
49126 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
49127 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
49128 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
49129 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
49130 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
49131 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
49132 to get up in the morning!"
49134 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
49135 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
49137 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
49138 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
49139 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
49140 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
49141 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
49142 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
49145 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
49146 designed for people who walk on their hands.
49147 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
49149 The world is a comedy to those who think,
49150 and a tragedy to those who feel.
49153 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
49155 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
49157 The world is coming to an end!
49158 Repent and return those library books!
49160 The world is full of people who have never, since
49161 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49164 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49165 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49168 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49170 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49171 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49172 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49173 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49175 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49177 The world really isn't any worse.
49178 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49180 The world wants to be deceived.
49183 The world's as ugly as sin,
49184 And almost as delightful
49185 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49187 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49188 nor its great scholars great men.
49189 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49191 The Worst American Poet
49192 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49193 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49194 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49195 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49197 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49198 formula was the same:
49199 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49200 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
49201 Of their death I will relate,
49202 And also others lost their life
49203 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49204 Where so many people died.
49205 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49206 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49207 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49208 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49209 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49210 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49211 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49212 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49213 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49215 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49217 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49218 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49219 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49220 sheepishly left the building.
49221 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49222 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49223 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49224 was a practical joke.
49225 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49226 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49227 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49229 The Worst Car Hire Service
49230 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49231 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49232 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49233 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49234 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49235 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49236 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49237 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49238 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49239 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49240 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49241 we might overlook that too."
49242 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49243 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49245 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49247 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49248 -- George Bernard Shaw
49250 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49252 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49253 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49254 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49255 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49257 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49259 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49263 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49264 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49265 remotest clue what was happening.
49266 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49267 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49268 The excitement which this caused was only equaled when a second
49269 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49270 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49271 was hearing a murder trial.
49272 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49273 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49274 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49275 The judge ordered a retrial.
49276 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49278 The Worst Lines of Verse
49279 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49280 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49281 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49282 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49283 laughter the instant they were read out.
49284 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49285 inspired by the subject of war.
49286 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49287 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49288 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49289 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49290 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49291 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49292 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49293 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49294 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49295 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49296 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49297 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49298 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49299 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49300 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49301 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49303 "I've measured it from side to side;
49304 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49305 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49307 The Worst Musical Trio
49308 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49309 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49310 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49311 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49312 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49313 unhampered by great musical talent.
49314 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49315 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49316 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49317 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49318 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49319 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49320 "and it will be a sell out."
49321 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49322 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49323 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49324 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49325 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49326 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49327 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49328 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49329 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49330 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49331 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49333 The worst part of having success is trying
49334 to find someone who is happy for you.
49337 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49339 The Worst Prison Guards
49340 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49341 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49342 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49343 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49344 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49345 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49346 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49347 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49348 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49349 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49350 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49351 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49352 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49353 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49355 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49356 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49357 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49358 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49359 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49360 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49361 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49363 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49364 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49365 -- George Bernard Shaw
49367 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49369 -- William Butler Yeats
49371 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49372 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49373 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49376 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
49377 They were just the first not to crash.
49379 The yankees, son, are up north.
49380 The damnyankees are down here.
49382 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49383 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49386 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49387 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49388 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49390 The young lady had an unusual list,
49391 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49392 She set no preconditions.
49394 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49395 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49396 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49397 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49398 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49399 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49400 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49401 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49402 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49403 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49406 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49408 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49409 and you'd better not refuse.
49413 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49415 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49416 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49419 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49420 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49422 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49423 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49424 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49425 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49427 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49428 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49429 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49430 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49432 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49433 The town of the cries and the groans.
49434 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49435 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49436 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49438 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49439 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49443 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49445 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49446 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49447 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49448 to the "W" on the dial.
49451 He who has a Tates is lost!
49453 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49454 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49457 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49459 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49460 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49462 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49463 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49464 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49465 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49467 Proceed by induction:
49468 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49471 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49472 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49473 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49475 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49477 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49478 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49479 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49480 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49481 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49482 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49485 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49486 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49487 it will look in print.
49489 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49492 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49493 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49494 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49496 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49497 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49498 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49499 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49500 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49501 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49502 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49504 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49506 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49508 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49509 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49512 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49513 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49516 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49517 -- Winston Churchill
49519 There are bad times just around the corner,
49520 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49521 And it's no good whining
49522 About a silver lining
49523 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49526 There are few people more often in the wrong
49527 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49529 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49530 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49531 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49533 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
49534 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
49537 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
49538 and praiseworthy ...
49539 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
49541 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
49542 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
49543 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
49546 There are many intelligent species in
49547 the universe, and they all own cats.
49549 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
49550 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
49551 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
49552 get it in the winter.
49555 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
49556 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
49557 avoiding a great deal of pain.
49559 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
49562 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
49564 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
49566 There are more things in heaven and earth,
49567 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
49570 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
49572 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
49574 There are new messages.
49576 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
49579 There are no answers, only cross-references.
49582 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
49583 are chosen correctly.
49585 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
49587 There are no games on this system.
49589 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
49590 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
49592 There are no great men, only great challenges that
49593 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
49594 -- Admiral William Halsey
49596 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
49597 -- The Duke of Wellington
49599 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
49600 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
49601 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
49602 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
49603 -- Richard Davisson
49605 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
49606 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
49608 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
49610 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
49613 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
49615 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
49616 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
49619 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
49620 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
49623 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
49624 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
49625 people who find nothing odd about it.
49628 There are places I'll remember
49629 All my life though some have changed.
49630 Some forever not for better
49631 Some have gone and some remain.
49632 All these places had their moments
49633 With lovers and friends I still recall.
49634 Some are dead and some are living,
49635 In my life I've loved them all.
49637 But of all these friends and lovers,
49638 There is no one compared with you,
49639 All these memories lose their meaning
49640 When I think of love as something new.
49641 Though I know I'll never lose affection
49642 For people and things that went before,
49643 I know I'll often stop and think about them
49644 In my life I'll love you more.
49645 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
49647 There are running jobs.
49648 Why don't you go chase them?
49650 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
49651 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
49652 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
49655 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
49656 By the men who moil for gold;
49657 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
49658 That would make your blood run cold;
49659 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
49660 But the queerest they ever did see
49661 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
49662 I cremated Sam McGee.
49663 -- Robert W. Service
49665 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
49666 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
49669 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
49670 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
49671 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
49672 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
49673 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
49674 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
49676 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
49677 -- Benjamin Disraeli
49679 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
49681 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
49682 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
49683 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
49685 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
49686 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
49687 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
49688 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
49689 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
49690 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
49691 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
49692 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
49694 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
49695 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
49697 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
49699 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
49700 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
49701 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
49702 long winter evenings.
49705 There are three rules for writing a novel.
49706 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
49709 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
49710 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
49711 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
49712 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
49713 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
49715 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
49719 There are three things I have always loved
49720 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
49722 There are three things men can do with women:
49723 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
49726 There are three ways to get something done:
49729 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
49730 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
49732 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
49735 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
49736 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49739 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49740 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49741 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49742 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49743 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49744 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49745 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49747 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49748 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49749 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49750 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49751 Man it is smokin'!"
49752 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49754 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49755 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49756 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49757 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49759 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49760 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
49761 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49763 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49764 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
49766 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49767 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49768 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49769 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49771 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49772 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49773 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49775 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49776 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49778 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49780 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49781 marriage and after marriage.
49783 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49784 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49785 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49789 There are two ways of disliking art.
49790 One is to dislike it.
49791 The other is to like it rationally.
49794 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49795 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49798 There are two ways to write error-free
49799 programs; only the third one works.
49801 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49802 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49804 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49805 with an insurance salesman?
49808 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49809 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49810 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49811 together we'll face the world.
49812 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49814 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49815 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49817 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49820 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49823 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49826 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49827 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49830 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49831 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49833 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49834 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49837 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49838 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49840 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49841 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49842 permissions for everyone, you could say
49844 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49846 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49847 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49849 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49850 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49851 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49852 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49853 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49854 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49855 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49856 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49857 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49859 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49860 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49862 There has been an alarming increase in the
49863 number of things you know nothing about.
49865 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49867 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49868 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49869 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49870 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49872 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49873 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49874 A: The elevator would be full.
49876 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49877 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49878 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49879 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
49881 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49885 There is a fly on your nose.
49887 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49888 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49889 each other's throat.
49890 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49892 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49893 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49895 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49897 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49898 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49899 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49901 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49902 tied during the month of April.
49904 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49907 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49908 wooden toilet seats.
49910 It's called the Birch John Society.
49912 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49913 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49917 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49918 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49919 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49922 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49923 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49925 There is a time in the tides of men,
49926 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49927 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49930 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49931 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49934 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49937 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49939 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49941 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49943 There is always something new out of Africa.
49944 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49946 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49947 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49948 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49950 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49951 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49954 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49955 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49957 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49958 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49959 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49962 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49963 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49964 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49965 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49966 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49969 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49970 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49972 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49973 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49975 There is in certain living souls
49976 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49977 So great it must be shared
49978 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49979 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49981 There is one lonelier than you.
49983 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49984 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
49985 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
49986 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
49987 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
49988 even highly probable.
49989 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
49991 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
49993 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
49994 and we will conquer. Follow me.
49995 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
49997 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
49998 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
49999 -- G. K. Chesterton
50001 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50002 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50004 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50007 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50008 always enough time to do it over.
50010 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50012 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50013 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50014 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50016 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50017 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50019 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50020 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50021 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50023 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50024 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50025 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50026 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50027 striving of the human race.
50028 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50030 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50031 we define salvation through suffering.
50034 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50035 -- George Santayana
50037 There is no delight the equal of dread.
50038 As long as it is somebody else's.
50041 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50043 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50046 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50047 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50048 as 'unearned income.'
50051 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50052 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50054 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50055 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50056 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50057 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50058 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50059 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50061 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50063 There is no fool to the old fool.
50066 There is no future in time travel.
50068 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50070 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50071 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50072 -- Ernest Hemingway
50074 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50075 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50077 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
50078 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
50081 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50082 -- George Francis Gillette
50084 There is no point in waiting.
50085 The train stopped running years ago.
50086 All the schedules, the brochures,
50087 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50088 Promise rides to a distant country
50089 That no longer exists.
50091 There is no proverb that is not true.
50094 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50095 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50096 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50097 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50099 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50101 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50102 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50103 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50105 There is no royal road to geometry.
50108 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50110 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50111 -- George Bernard Shaw
50113 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50114 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50116 There is no sin but ignorance.
50117 -- Christopher Marlowe
50119 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50120 -- George Bernard Shaw
50122 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
50124 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
50126 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
50128 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
50130 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
50132 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
50133 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
50136 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
50138 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
50139 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
50140 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50142 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
50143 some anxiety always goes with it.
50145 There is no time like the pleasant.
50147 There is no time like the present
50148 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
50150 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
50151 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
50153 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
50154 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
50155 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
50156 live as cheap as the people.
50157 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50159 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50160 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50163 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50164 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50166 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50169 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50170 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50172 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50173 -- Marie Antoinette
50175 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50176 when you do it reluctantly.
50177 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50179 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50182 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
50183 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
50184 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
50185 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
50186 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
50187 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50188 the middle of the night?'"
50190 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50192 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50193 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50196 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50197 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50199 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50200 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50203 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50204 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50207 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
50208 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
50211 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50214 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50217 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50218 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50221 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50222 and that word is blackmail.
50225 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50226 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50229 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50230 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50232 There is something in the pang of change
50233 More than the heart can bear,
50234 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50237 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50239 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50241 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50242 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50246 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50247 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50249 There must be more to life than having everything.
50252 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50255 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50256 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50257 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50259 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50260 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50261 what would your decision be, my son?"
50262 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50263 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50264 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50266 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50267 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50268 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50270 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50271 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50272 what would your decision be, my son?"
50273 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50274 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50275 that I had promised."
50276 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50278 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50281 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
50282 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50284 There was a little girl
50285 Who had a little curl
50286 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50287 When she was good, she was very, very good
50288 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50289 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50291 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50292 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50293 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50294 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50295 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50296 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50297 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50298 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50299 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50300 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50301 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50302 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50303 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50304 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50305 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50306 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50307 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50308 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50310 There was a phone call for you.
50312 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50313 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50314 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
50315 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
50316 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
50317 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
50318 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
50319 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
50320 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
50322 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50323 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50324 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50328 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50329 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50331 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50333 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50334 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50335 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50337 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50338 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50339 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50343 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50344 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50345 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50346 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50347 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50348 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50349 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50350 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50351 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50352 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50353 the squaws of the other two hides.
50355 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50356 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50357 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50358 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50359 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50360 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50361 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50362 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50364 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50365 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50366 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50368 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50369 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50370 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50371 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50372 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50373 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50374 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50375 he tells the counterman.
50376 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50377 "You must be from New York."
50378 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50380 "Because this is a hardware store."
50382 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50383 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50384 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50385 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50386 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50387 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50388 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50389 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50390 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50391 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50392 telephone business?
50394 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50395 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50397 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50399 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50402 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50403 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50406 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50407 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50408 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50409 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50410 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50411 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50412 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50413 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50415 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50418 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50419 When everything is falling apart
50420 In life, just like in loving
50421 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50424 Like you don't need the money
50425 Love like you'll never get hurt
50427 Like nobody's watching
50428 It's gotta come from the heart
50429 If you want it to work.
50432 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50433 allows you to install Windows.
50434 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50436 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50438 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50439 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50440 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50441 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50442 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50443 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50444 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50445 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50446 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50447 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50448 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50449 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50450 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50452 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50453 The corporation that we represent.
50454 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50455 Of that man of men our sterling president
50456 The name of T.J. Watson means
50457 A courage none can stem
50458 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50459 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50461 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50462 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50463 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50464 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50465 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50466 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50467 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50468 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50469 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50470 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50471 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50472 along -- quite gracefully.
50475 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50478 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50480 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50482 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50483 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50487 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50489 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50491 There's little in taking or giving,
50492 There's little in water or wine:
50493 This living, this living, this living,
50494 Was never a project of mine.
50495 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50496 The gain of the one at the top,
50497 For art is a form of catharsis,
50498 And love is a permanent flop,
50499 And work is the province of cattle,
50500 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50501 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50502 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50505 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50506 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50509 There's no justice in this world.
50510 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50511 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50512 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50513 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50516 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50519 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50522 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50525 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50527 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50528 what you're talking about.
50529 -- John von Neumann
50531 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
50532 -- Milton Friendman
50534 There's no such thing as an original sin.
50537 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
50541 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
50543 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
50545 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
50547 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
50548 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
50550 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
50552 -- Clare Booth Luce
50554 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
50556 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
50558 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
50559 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
50562 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
50563 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
50566 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
50570 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
50571 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
50573 There's nothing worse for your business than
50574 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
50577 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
50578 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
50580 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
50581 always see somebody who did worse.
50582 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
50584 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
50586 There's only one everything.
50588 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
50589 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
50592 There's small choice in rotten apples.
50593 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
50595 There's so much plastic in this culture that
50596 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
50599 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
50601 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
50602 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
50605 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
50606 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
50608 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
50609 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
50611 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
50612 -- Richard Le Gallienne
50614 These activities have their own rules and methods
50615 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
50616 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
50618 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
50619 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
50620 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
50621 out of MEGATON MAN!"
50623 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
50624 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
50626 They also serve who only stand and wait.
50629 They also surf who only stand on waves.
50631 They are called computers simply because computation is
50632 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
50634 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
50635 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
50636 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
50637 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
50638 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
50640 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
50641 when they can see nothing but sea.
50644 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
50645 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
50647 They call them "squares" because it's the
50648 most complicated shape they can deal with.
50650 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
50651 -- The Blues Brothers
50653 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
50654 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
50655 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
50657 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
50658 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
50659 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
50660 only want to count to two.
50661 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
50663 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
50664 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
50665 question about the suffering of starving miners.
50667 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
50669 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
50670 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
50672 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
50673 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
50674 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
50676 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
50678 They make a desert and call it peace.
50679 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
50681 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
50682 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
50683 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
50686 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
50687 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
50688 learn this particular lesson.
50689 -- Richard Stallman
50691 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
50692 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
50693 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
50695 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
50696 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
50697 then we take Berlin.
50699 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
50700 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
50701 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
50702 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
50704 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
50705 always spell better than they pronounce.
50708 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
50709 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
50710 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
50712 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
50714 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
50715 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
50716 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
50717 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
50719 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
50720 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
50721 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
50722 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
50724 My notion was to start again
50725 Ignoring all they'd done
50726 We quickly turned it into code
50727 To see if it would run.
50729 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
50730 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
50732 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
50733 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
50735 They use different words for things in America.
50736 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50737 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50738 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50741 They went rushing down that freeway,
50742 Messed around and got lost.
50743 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50744 And it was life in the fast lane.
50745 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50747 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50748 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50750 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50751 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50752 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50753 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50756 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50757 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50758 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50762 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50763 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50765 They're just jealous because they don't have three
50766 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
50767 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
50768 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
50770 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50772 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50776 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50777 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50778 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50780 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50781 -- Dwight Eisenhower
50783 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50785 Things are not always what they seem.
50788 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
50790 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50792 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50793 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50795 Things will be bright in P.M.
50796 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50798 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50801 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50804 Pollute the Mississippi.
50806 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50808 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50811 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50813 Think of your family tonight.
50814 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50819 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50821 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50822 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50824 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50825 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50826 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50827 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50828 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50829 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50830 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50831 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50833 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50834 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50837 Thirty days hath Septober,
50838 April, June, and no wonder.
50839 all the rest have peanut butter
50840 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50842 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50845 Then they stand still.
50848 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50849 Everye nighte and alle,
50850 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50851 And Christe receive thy saule.
50852 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50854 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50855 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50856 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50857 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50858 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50859 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50860 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50861 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50862 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50863 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50864 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50865 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50867 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50868 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50869 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50871 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50873 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50875 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50877 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50878 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50879 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50880 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50881 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50883 This fortune intentionally not included.
50885 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50887 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50888 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50890 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50892 This fortune is false.
50894 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50896 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50898 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50900 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50902 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50903 We have emotional moving vans.
50906 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50907 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50908 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50909 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50910 of the house by dinner!"
50912 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50913 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50915 This is a good time to punt work.
50917 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50921 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50922 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50924 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50925 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50927 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50928 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50929 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50930 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50931 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50932 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50933 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50934 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50935 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50936 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50937 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50938 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50939 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50940 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50941 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50943 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50945 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50946 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50947 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50949 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50950 and not enough hunchbacks.
50952 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50953 Unborn and unbegot,
50954 For them to read when they're in trouble
50958 This is Jim Rockford.
50959 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50961 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50963 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50965 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50966 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50967 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50969 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50970 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50972 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50974 This is NOT a repeat.
50976 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
50977 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
50978 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
50979 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
50981 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
50983 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
50984 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
50985 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
50986 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
50987 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
50988 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
50989 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
50990 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
50991 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
50992 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
50993 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
50994 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
50995 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
50996 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
50998 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
50999 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
51001 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
51002 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
51003 and come alone. I'm serious!
51005 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
51006 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51009 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51010 power of computers:
51012 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
51013 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
51014 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
51015 one should eat each day:
51019 1 glass of skim milk
51020 27 heads of lettuce.
51021 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51023 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51025 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51026 -- Winston Churchill
51028 This is the story of the bee
51029 Whose sex is very hard to see
51031 You cannot tell the he from the she
51032 But she can tell, and so can he
51034 The little bee is never still
51035 She has no time to take the pill
51037 And that is why, in times like these
51038 There are so many sons of bees.
51040 This is the theory that Jack built.
51041 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51042 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51044 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51045 And now you know why.
51047 This is the way the world ends,
51048 This is the way the world ends,
51049 This is the way the world ends,
51050 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51051 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
51053 This is your fortune.
51055 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
51056 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
51058 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
51059 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
51060 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
51061 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
51063 This land is full of trousers!
51064 this land is full of mausers!
51065 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
51066 -- Firesign Theater
51068 This land is made of mountains,
51069 This land is made of mud,
51070 This land has lots of everything,
51071 For me and Elmer Fudd.
51073 This land has lots of trousers,
51074 This land has lots of mousers,
51075 And pussycats to eat them
51076 When the sun goes down.
51078 This land is my land, and only my land,
51079 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
51080 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
51081 This land is private property.
51082 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
51084 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
51085 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
51086 to what to do and where to go.
51088 This life is yours. Some of it was given
51089 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
51091 This login session: $13.99
51093 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
51095 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
51097 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
51098 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
51100 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
51104 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
51105 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
51106 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
51107 don't actually hurt.
51108 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
51109 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
51110 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
51111 man enough to take me on?"
51112 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
51113 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
51114 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
51115 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
51116 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
51117 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
51118 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
51119 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
51120 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
51121 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
51122 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
51123 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
51125 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
51126 got to find a way off this planet.
51128 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
51129 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
51130 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
51131 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
51132 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
51133 paper that were unhappy.
51134 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51136 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
51137 something child-like.
51138 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51140 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51141 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51142 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51143 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51144 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51145 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51146 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51147 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51148 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
51149 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51150 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51151 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51152 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51153 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51154 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51155 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51156 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51157 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51158 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51159 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51160 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51161 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51163 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51164 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51166 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51167 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51168 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51169 which identifies errors in the original program.
51171 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51172 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51173 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51174 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51177 This screen intentionally left blank.
51179 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51182 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51184 This sentence no verb.
51186 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51188 This thing all things devours:
51189 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51190 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51191 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51192 Slays king, ruins town,
51193 And beats high mountain down.
51195 This unit... must... survive.
51197 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51198 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51200 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51201 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51202 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51203 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51205 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51206 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51208 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51209 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51212 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51214 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51216 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51217 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51218 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51219 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51220 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51221 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51222 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51223 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51224 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51226 Those lovable Brits department:
51227 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51229 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51232 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51234 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51235 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51236 at are called software.
51237 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51238 Literacy for the 1990's.
51240 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51241 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51244 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51248 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
51250 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51251 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51253 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51256 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51257 -- George Santayana
51259 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51261 Those who claim the dead never return
51262 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51264 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51267 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51270 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51271 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51274 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
51275 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51278 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51279 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51282 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51283 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51284 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51286 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51287 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51290 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51292 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51293 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51294 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
51296 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51297 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51298 without the roar of its many waters.
51299 -- Frederick Douglass
51301 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51302 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51303 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51304 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51305 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
51307 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51308 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51309 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51310 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51311 The highest rung. In his bung.
51313 Because in life they prayed so ill
51314 And offered god such swinish swill
51315 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51316 Sweat from lack of APL
51319 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51321 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51322 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51324 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51326 -- The Tao of Programming
51328 Though I respect that a lot
51329 I'd be fired if that were my job
51330 After killing Jason off and
51331 Countless screaming argonauts
51333 Bluebird of friendliness
51334 Like guardian angels it's
51337 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51338 Who watches over you
51339 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51340 Not to put too fine a point on it
51341 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51342 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51344 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51346 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51348 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51349 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51350 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51351 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51352 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51353 more about the matter than the others.
51354 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51356 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51359 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51360 -- Benjamin Franklin
51362 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51363 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51364 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51366 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51367 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51368 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51369 service station," said the Missourian.
51371 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51372 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
51373 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51375 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51376 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51379 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51380 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51381 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51383 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51384 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51385 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51386 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51387 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51388 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51389 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51390 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51391 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51393 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51394 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51395 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51396 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51397 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51399 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51400 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51401 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51402 and users will do the Right Thing.
51403 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51404 and there won't be any pirating.
51406 If these three aren't enough,
51407 just stay at your home directory
51408 and let all processes take their course.
51410 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51411 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51412 -- Bertrand Russell
51414 Thus spake the master programmer:
51415 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51417 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51419 Thus spake the master programmer:
51420 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51421 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51423 Thus spake the master programmer:
51424 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51426 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51428 Thus spake the master programmer:
51429 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51431 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51433 Thus spake the master programmer:
51434 "Time for you to leave."
51435 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51437 Thus spake the master programmer:
51438 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51439 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51441 Thus spake the master programmer:
51442 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51443 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51444 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51446 Thus spake the master programmer:
51447 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51448 hardware is useless."
51449 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51451 Thus spake the master programmer:
51452 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51453 can't make him computer literate."
51454 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51457 Everything goes wrong at once.
51459 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51460 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51461 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51462 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51464 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51465 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51466 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51467 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51469 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51470 And racing around to come up behind you again
51471 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51472 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51474 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51476 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51477 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51478 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51479 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51483 Quite unaccountably
51493 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51495 Tiger got to sleep,
51497 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51498 -- The Books of Bokonon
51500 Time and tide wait for no man.
51502 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51505 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
51507 Time goes, you say?
51509 Time stays, *we* go.
51512 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
51515 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
51516 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51518 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
51520 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
51521 -- Henry David Thoreau
51523 Time is nature's way of making sure that
51524 everything doesn't happen at once.
51526 Space is nature's way of making sure that
51527 everything doesn't happen to you.
51529 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
51532 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
51534 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
51536 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
51538 Time to take stock.
51539 Go home with some office supplies.
51542 Love's wounds unseen.
51543 That's what someone told me;
51544 But I don't know what it means.
51545 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
51547 Time will end all my troubles,
51548 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
51550 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
51551 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
51554 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
51556 Timing must be perfect now.
51557 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
51560 Never fry bacon in the nude.
51562 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
51565 Tip the world over on its side and
51566 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
51567 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51569 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
51570 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
51571 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
51572 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
51573 they would ordinarily.
51574 There is no music in space.
51575 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
51576 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
51578 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
51579 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
51580 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
51581 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
51582 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
51583 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
51584 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
51585 never been easier."
51586 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
51587 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
51588 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
51589 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
51590 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
51591 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
51592 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
51593 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
51594 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
51595 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
51596 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
51597 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
51599 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
51601 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
51604 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
51605 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
51606 stopping at red lights are both optional.
51607 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51609 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
51610 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
51611 to spend a few days there.
51612 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51614 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
51615 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
51616 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51618 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
51619 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
51620 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
51621 Swedes speak better English.
51622 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51624 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
51625 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
51627 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51629 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
51630 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
51631 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
51634 To add insult to injury.
51637 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
51638 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
51639 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
51640 -- Theodore Roosevelt
51642 To any truly impartial person, it would
51643 be obvious that I am always right.
51645 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
51648 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
51651 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
51652 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
51655 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
51656 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
51658 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
51659 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
51662 To be great is to be misunderstood.
51663 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51665 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
51666 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
51667 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
51668 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
51669 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
51670 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
51671 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
51672 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
51674 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
51676 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
51678 To be is to be related.
51686 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
51692 To be loved is very demoralizing.
51693 -- Katharine Hepburn
51695 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
51696 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
51697 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
51698 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
51700 To be or not to be.
51709 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
51711 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
51712 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51715 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51716 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51717 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51720 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51723 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51724 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51726 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51727 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51729 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51731 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51733 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51734 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51736 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51737 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51738 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51740 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51741 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51742 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51743 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51744 To write those routines
51745 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51746 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51747 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51748 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51749 To this glorious quest,
51750 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51751 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51753 Still strove with his last allocation
51754 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51755 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51757 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51760 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51761 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51762 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51764 To craunch a marmoset.
51765 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51767 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51768 more important than the ability to say yes.
51771 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51772 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51774 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51775 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51777 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51779 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51782 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51783 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51786 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51787 of four kids and one bathroom.
51790 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51793 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51795 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51797 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51799 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51800 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51802 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51804 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51806 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51808 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51809 -- MIT Assassination Club
51811 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51812 -- Benjamin Franklin
51814 To err is human, two curs canine.
51815 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51818 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51826 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51829 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51830 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51831 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51832 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51833 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51834 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51835 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51836 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51837 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51838 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51839 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51840 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51841 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51842 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51843 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51846 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51847 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51848 -- Bertrand Russell
51850 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51853 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51854 -- Benjamin Franklin
51856 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51859 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51861 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51862 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51864 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51865 persons, two of them absent.
51867 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51869 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51871 To have died once is enough.
51872 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51874 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51875 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51877 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51880 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51883 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51884 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51886 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51887 to kill them, treat them often.
51889 To know Edina is to reject it.
51890 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51892 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51894 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51897 To listen to some devout people,
51898 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51901 To love is good, love being difficult.
51903 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51905 To make tax forms true they should
51906 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51908 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51911 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51912 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51913 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51914 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
51916 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51918 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51920 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51921 -- 19th century toast
51923 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51925 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51926 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51929 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51931 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51932 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51933 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51934 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51936 To say you got a vote of confidence
51937 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51940 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51942 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51943 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51944 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51945 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51946 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51947 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51948 mind over matter; quite.
51949 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51951 To see you is to sympathize.
51953 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51954 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51956 To stand and be still,
51957 At the Birkenhead drill,
51958 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51961 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51962 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51963 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51965 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51967 To teach is to learn.
51969 To teach is to learn twice.
51972 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51974 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51976 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
51979 To Theodore Roosevelt:
51980 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
51981 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
51982 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
51983 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
51984 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
51986 Sultan to the Berbers
51987 Last of the Barbary Pirates
51989 To thine own self be true.
51990 (If not that, at least make some money.)
51992 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
51996 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
51997 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
51998 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
51999 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
52000 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
52001 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
52002 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
52003 secure ecological niche.
52004 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
52006 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
52008 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52009 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52010 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52011 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52012 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52013 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52014 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
52015 receiving said benefit.
52016 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52017 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
52018 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52019 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52021 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
52023 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52025 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52026 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52028 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52029 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52030 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52031 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52032 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52034 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52035 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52036 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52037 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52038 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52039 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52040 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52041 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52042 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52043 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52044 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52047 To use violence is to already be defeated.
52050 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
52052 To whom the mornings are like nights,
52053 What must the midnights be!
52054 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
52056 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
52057 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
52058 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
52059 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
52060 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
52061 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
52062 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
52063 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
52064 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
52065 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
52066 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
52067 and choose more docile words to take its part.
52068 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
52069 by making love directly to the brain.
52071 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
52074 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
52075 That from the devil does proceed;
52076 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
52077 And makes a chimney of your nose.
52081 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
52083 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
52084 Read someone else's mail file.
52086 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
52088 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
52090 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
52092 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
52094 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
52096 Today is the last day of your life so far.
52098 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
52100 Today is what happened to yesterday.
52102 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
52103 except in major motion pictures.
52104 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
52106 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
52107 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
52110 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
52112 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
52114 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
52115 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
52117 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
52118 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
52119 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
52122 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
52123 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52125 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
52128 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
52129 creating endless annoyance to male users.
52130 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
52132 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
52135 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
52136 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52138 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52140 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52142 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52145 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52147 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52148 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52150 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52152 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52153 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52155 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52156 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52159 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52160 real fast and freak everybody out.
52161 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
52163 Too clever is dumb.
52166 Too cool to calypso,
52167 Too tough to tango,
52168 Too weird to watusi
52172 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52173 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52174 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52175 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52176 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52178 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52179 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52182 Too much is just enough.
52183 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52185 Too much is not enough.
52187 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52190 Too much of everything is just enough.
52193 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52195 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52197 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52198 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52199 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52201 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52203 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52205 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52207 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52209 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52210 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52211 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52212 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52213 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52214 assurance people in its wake.
52215 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52216 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52217 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52218 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52219 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52220 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52221 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52223 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
52224 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52226 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52227 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52228 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52233 Follow these simple suggestions:
52235 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52236 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52237 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52239 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
52240 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52242 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52244 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52246 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52247 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52248 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52250 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52252 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52253 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52254 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52255 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52256 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52257 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
52259 Topologists are just plane folks.
52260 Pilots are just plane folks.
52261 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52262 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52263 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52264 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52265 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52269 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52271 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52272 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52274 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52275 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52277 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52278 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52281 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52282 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52285 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52288 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52291 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52294 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52295 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52296 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52299 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52300 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52304 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52306 Trap full -- please empty.
52309 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52311 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52313 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52316 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52317 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52318 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52319 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52320 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52321 for a short spell?"
52323 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52326 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52327 -- Charles DeGaulle
52329 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52332 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52334 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52336 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52337 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52338 a brand new series of three.
52340 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52341 in eucalyptus trees.
52343 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52345 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52347 True leadership is the art of changing
52348 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52351 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52352 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52355 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52358 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52359 -- Norman Augustine
52361 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52362 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52364 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52368 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52371 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52373 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52374 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52377 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52379 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52380 -- Albert Schweitzer
52382 Truth is free, but information costs.
52384 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52386 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52388 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52391 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52392 of him that brought her birth.
52395 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52398 Dumb and illiterate.
52399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52403 Try not to have a good time ...
52404 This is supposed to be educational.
52412 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52414 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52416 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52418 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52420 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
52421 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
52422 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
52423 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
52424 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
52427 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52429 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52431 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52432 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52434 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52436 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52437 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52439 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52442 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
52444 Trying to get an education here is like
52445 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52448 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52450 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52452 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52454 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52457 Turn the other cheek.
52461 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52465 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52467 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52468 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52470 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52471 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52474 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52475 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52476 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52477 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52478 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52479 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52480 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52481 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52482 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52483 Came whippany through the englewood,
52484 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52486 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52487 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52488 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52489 He caldwell in his joy.
52490 Did mahwah into patterson:
52491 All jersey were the ocean groves,
52492 And the red bank bayonne.
52495 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52496 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
52497 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
52498 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
52499 Beware the Jubjub bird,
52500 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
52501 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
52502 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
52503 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
52504 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
52505 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
52507 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
52508 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
52509 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
52510 He chortled in his joy.
52511 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52512 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
52513 All mimsy were the borogroves
52514 And the mome raths outgrabe.
52515 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
52517 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
52518 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
52519 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
52520 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
52521 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
52522 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
52523 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
52524 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
52525 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
52526 Came waffling with the truth too good,
52527 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
52529 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
52530 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
52531 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
52532 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
52533 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
52534 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
52535 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
52536 And mammon's wrath them bash!
52537 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
52539 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
52540 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
52541 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
52542 And Cory raths outgrabe.
52544 "Beware the software rot, my son!
52545 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
52546 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
52547 The frumious system crash!"
52549 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
52550 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
52551 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
52552 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
52554 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
52555 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
52556 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
52557 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
52559 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
52560 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
52561 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
52562 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
52563 -- Midnight On The Ocean
52565 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
52566 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
52567 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
52568 A satellite spotted him making his way.
52569 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
52570 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
52571 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
52572 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
52573 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
52574 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
52575 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
52576 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
52577 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
52578 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
52579 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
52580 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
52581 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
52582 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
52583 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
52584 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
52585 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
52586 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
52587 So after a trillion or two had been spent
52588 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
52589 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
52590 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
52592 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
52593 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
52594 throughout our place of residence,
52595 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
52596 possessors of this potential, including that
52597 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
52598 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
52599 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
52600 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
52601 imminent visitation from an eccentric
52602 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
52603 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
52605 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
52608 Twenty two thousand days.
52609 Twenty two thousand days.
52611 It's all you've got.
52612 Twenty two thousand days.
52613 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
52615 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
52616 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
52617 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
52618 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
52619 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
52620 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
52621 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
52622 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
52623 collision course with that ship.
52624 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
52625 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
52626 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
52627 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
52629 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
52630 course 20 degrees."
52631 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
52632 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
52633 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
52635 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
52637 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
52640 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
52642 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
52643 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
52644 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
52645 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
52646 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
52647 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
52648 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
52651 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
52652 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
52653 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
52654 knows when to stop."
52656 Two heads are better than one.
52659 Two heads are more numerous than one.
52661 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
52662 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
52663 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
52664 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
52665 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
52666 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
52667 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
52668 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
52669 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
52670 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
52671 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
52673 Two is company, three is an orgy.
52675 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
52677 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
52678 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
52679 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
52680 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
52681 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
52682 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
52683 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
52685 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
52686 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
52687 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
52688 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
52690 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
52691 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
52692 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
52693 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
52694 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
52695 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
52696 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
52697 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
52699 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
52701 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
52702 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
52703 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
52704 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
52705 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
52707 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
52708 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
52710 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52712 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52714 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52716 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52717 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52718 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52720 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52721 I forget the second.
52723 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52724 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52725 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52726 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52727 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52728 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52729 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52731 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52734 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52737 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52739 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52740 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52741 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52742 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52744 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52745 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52746 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52747 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52749 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52750 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52751 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52752 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52754 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52755 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52756 In the well of sanguine woe?
52757 In what clay & in what mould
52758 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52759 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52761 Type louder, please.
52763 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52764 Run right up and rub its horn.
52765 Look at all those points you're losing!
52766 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52767 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52769 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52770 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52771 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52773 Udall's Fourth Law:
52774 Any change or reform you make
52775 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52777 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52779 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52780 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52781 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52782 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52784 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52785 Sorry for the confusion.
52786 -- Sun Microsystems
52788 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52789 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52790 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52791 coughing and drops dead.
52792 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52794 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52795 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52796 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52798 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52799 just man is also in prison.
52800 -- Henry David Thoreau
52802 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52803 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52804 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52806 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52807 If you want something, it can wait.
52808 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52810 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52813 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52814 Dig my grave and let me relax
52815 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52816 And I lay me down with a will.
52817 These be the words that tell the way:
52818 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52819 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52820 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52822 Under the wide and starry sky,
52823 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52824 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52825 And laid me down with a will,
52826 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52827 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52828 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52829 And the hunter home from the hill.
52832 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52833 Superiority is recessive.
52836 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52837 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52838 basis of your own internal model instead.
52840 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52841 in relation to a bigger problem.
52844 Unfair animal names:
52846 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
52847 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
52848 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
52851 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52852 Selling cheaper than we do.
52854 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52855 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52856 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52857 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52861 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52863 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52864 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52865 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52866 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52867 low over the world.
52873 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52874 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52877 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52878 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52879 you how to fix it, and...
52881 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52882 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52884 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52887 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52889 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52890 of more feet, just to be sure.
52894 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory
52896 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52897 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52898 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52899 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52900 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52902 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52904 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52907 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52908 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52909 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52911 UNIX is many things to many people,
52912 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52914 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52918 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52919 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52920 with the workstation harem.
52922 unix soit qui mal y pense
52924 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52925 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52928 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52929 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52932 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52934 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52935 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52936 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52937 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52939 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52940 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52941 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52942 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52944 -- William Shakespeare
52946 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52950 If it happens, it must be possible.
52952 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52953 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52956 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52957 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52960 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52964 What you left out on April 15th.
52966 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52967 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52968 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52969 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52971 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52973 Use a pun, go to jail.
52975 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
52976 -- KFOG, San Francisco
52978 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
52979 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
52982 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
52983 more labor and less oratory.
52989 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
52992 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
52993 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
52995 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
52996 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
52998 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
52999 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
53000 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
53001 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
53003 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
53006 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
53007 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
53008 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53009 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53011 I always hated those adventure games.
53014 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53019 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53020 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53022 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53023 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
53027 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
53028 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
53029 life-style to recuperate.
53031 Vail's Second Axiom:
53032 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
53033 amount of work already completed.
53035 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
53036 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
53040 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
53043 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
53046 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
53049 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
53050 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
53051 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
53052 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
53053 and sour won ton soup.
53055 Variables don't; constants aren't.
53059 Vegetables are what food eats.
53060 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
53061 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
53062 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
53063 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
53065 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
53067 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
53068 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
53069 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
53072 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
53074 Verba volant, scripta manent!
53076 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
53079 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
53080 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
53084 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
53086 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
53087 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
53088 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
53089 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
53090 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
53091 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
53092 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
53093 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
53094 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
53095 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
53096 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
53097 is presumably working on it.
53099 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
53100 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
53103 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
53106 A hungry dog hunts best.
53107 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
53109 Decreased business base increases overhead.
53110 So does increased business base.
53112 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
53113 is fifth grade arithmetic.
53115 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
53116 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
53118 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
53119 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
53120 -- Norman Augustine
53122 Victory uber allies!
53125 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
53126 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
53127 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
53128 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
53129 in the 9th century.
53131 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
53132 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53135 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53136 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53137 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53140 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53141 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53143 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
53144 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
53145 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
53146 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
53148 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53150 Violence is molding.
53152 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53155 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53156 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53157 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53158 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53159 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53160 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53164 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53165 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53167 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53170 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53171 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53172 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
53173 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
53175 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
53176 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
53177 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53178 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53179 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53180 that old underwear you own.
53182 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53184 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53185 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53188 Virtue is its own punishment.
53191 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
53194 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53195 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53198 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53199 -- La Rochefoucauld
53201 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53203 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53205 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53206 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53208 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53209 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53211 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
53213 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53216 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53218 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53220 Voiceless it cries,
53227 A mountain with hiccups.
53229 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53230 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53231 And to him who's scientific
53232 There is nothing that's terrific
53233 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53234 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53237 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53238 than never to have lobbed at all.
53240 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53241 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53242 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53243 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53244 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53245 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53249 Vote early and vote often.
53250 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53251 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53253 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53257 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53259 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53262 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53265 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53266 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53267 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53268 (Waiter exits, returns)
53269 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53271 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53272 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53273 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53274 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53276 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53277 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53278 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53279 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53281 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53282 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53283 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53284 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53285 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53287 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53290 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53291 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53293 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53294 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53296 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53298 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53301 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53302 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53303 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53305 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53306 Garp: Gradual school?
53307 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53309 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53310 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53311 -- The World According To Garp
53314 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53315 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53316 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53320 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53321 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53322 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53323 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53324 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
53326 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53327 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
53328 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
53329 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53330 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53332 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53334 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53335 -- Charles Edward Montague
53337 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53339 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53340 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53342 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53343 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53345 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53348 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53350 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53354 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53355 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
53356 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
53357 of your favorite war.
53360 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53361 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53362 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53363 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53364 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53365 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53366 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53367 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53368 things to the terminal.
53370 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53372 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53373 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53375 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53377 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53378 Survivors will be shot again.
53381 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53383 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53384 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53385 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53386 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53387 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53388 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53389 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53391 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53393 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53395 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53396 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53397 There was a time they could cry over books,
53398 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53399 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53400 What's never known is safest in this life.
53401 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53402 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53403 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53404 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53406 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53408 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53411 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53412 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53413 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53415 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53417 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53418 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53420 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53423 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53425 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53427 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53429 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53432 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53436 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53439 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53440 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53443 The single most important word in the world.
53445 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53446 when it's necessary to compromise.
53449 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53450 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53453 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53455 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53457 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53459 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53460 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53462 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53463 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53465 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
53466 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
53467 is that it is not crazy enough.
53470 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53471 before we are fit to participate in society.
53472 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53475 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53477 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53480 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53482 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53485 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53488 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53489 -- Winston Churchill
53491 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
53494 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
53495 -- Whole Earth Catalog
53497 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
53498 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
53500 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
53501 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
53503 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
53505 -- Patrick Moynihan
53507 We are each only one drop in a great
53508 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
53510 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
53512 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
53513 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
53516 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
53517 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
53518 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
53521 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
53522 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53524 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
53525 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
53527 We are not a clone.
53529 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
53534 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
53535 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
53538 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
53540 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
53542 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
53543 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
53547 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
53549 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
53552 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
53553 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
53555 This is a recording.
53557 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
53558 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
53559 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
53560 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
53561 the substance that cast them.
53563 We are the people our parents warned us about.
53565 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
53566 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
53567 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
53569 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
53570 The order is not insignificant.
53571 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53573 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
53574 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
53576 We are what we are.
53578 We are what we pretend to be.
53579 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
53581 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
53583 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
53586 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
53587 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
53588 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
53590 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
53591 -- Sir Francis Bacon
53593 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
53596 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
53597 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
53598 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
53600 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
53603 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
53604 feet and go skating.
53605 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
53607 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
53608 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
53609 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
53610 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
53611 beautiful Universe, Our home.
53612 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
53614 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
53617 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
53618 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
53620 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
53622 We don't care how they do it in New York.
53624 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
53625 -- James Watt, noted theologian
53627 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
53629 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
53631 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
53632 that it wasn't a fish.
53633 -- Marshall McLuhan
53635 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
53636 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
53638 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
53641 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
53642 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
53643 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
53644 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
53646 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
53648 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
53649 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
53650 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
53651 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
53653 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
53655 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
53657 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
53660 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
53661 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
53663 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
53664 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
53665 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
53669 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
53670 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
53672 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
53673 -- La Rochefoucauld
53675 We gotta get out of this place,
53676 If it's the last thing we ever do.
53679 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
53680 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
53681 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
53682 our grave singing Halleluja ...
53685 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
53687 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
53690 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
53692 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
53693 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
53694 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
53695 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
53696 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
53697 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
53698 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
53699 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
53700 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
53702 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
53705 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
53708 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
53709 than from the machinations of the wicked.
53711 We have no scorched earth policy.
53712 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
53713 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
53715 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
53718 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53721 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53722 back to normal, and that they already have.
53724 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53727 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53729 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53730 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53731 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53732 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53733 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53735 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53736 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53737 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53738 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53739 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53740 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53741 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53743 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53744 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53746 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53748 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53749 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53751 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53752 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53753 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53754 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53755 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53756 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53757 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53758 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53759 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53760 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53761 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53762 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53763 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53764 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53765 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53766 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53768 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53769 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53770 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53771 to crave knowledge.
53774 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53775 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53776 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53777 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53778 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53779 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53780 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53781 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53782 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53783 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53784 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53785 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53787 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53790 We love our little Johnny
53791 He's the best little boy in all the world
53792 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53793 That's how much we love him.
53794 No, we couldn't live without him
53795 So that's why, since he died,
53796 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53797 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53798 Even better than before;
53799 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53800 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53801 Never miss our little Johnny,
53802 He'll never grow up and leave us
53803 That's why we love him like we do.
53806 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53807 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53808 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53809 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53812 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53816 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53817 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53818 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53819 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53820 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53824 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53825 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53826 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53827 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53828 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53829 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53830 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53831 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53832 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53833 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53834 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53835 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53837 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53839 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53840 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53841 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53842 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53843 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53844 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53846 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53847 but we always respect their good judgment.
53849 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53850 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53851 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53852 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
53853 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53854 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53855 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53856 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53857 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53859 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53860 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53863 We must die because we have known them.
53864 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53866 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53867 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
53868 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
53869 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53871 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53872 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53873 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53874 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53876 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53877 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53878 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53880 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53882 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53883 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53884 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53887 We must remember the First Amendment which
53888 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53889 -- F. G. Withington
53891 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53892 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53894 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53896 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53897 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53898 -- LaRouchefoucauld
53900 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53901 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53902 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53903 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53904 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53905 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53906 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53907 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53909 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53910 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53911 forgotten its source.
53912 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53914 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53915 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53917 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53919 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53920 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53921 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53923 We read to say that we have read.
53925 We really don't have any enemies.
53926 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53928 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53931 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53932 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53933 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53935 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53936 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53938 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53939 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53940 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53941 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53944 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53945 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53949 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53950 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53954 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53955 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53958 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53961 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53962 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53963 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53964 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53965 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53966 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53967 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53968 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53969 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53970 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53972 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53973 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
53974 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
53976 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
53977 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
53978 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
53979 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
53982 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53983 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53984 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53985 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53988 ------------------- -------------------------
53989 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
53990 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
53991 Moody Manic-depressive
53992 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
53993 Poet Boring manic-depressive
53994 Sultry/Sensual Easy
53995 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
53996 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
53997 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
53998 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
53999 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
54000 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
54002 Aging child Self-centered adult
54003 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
54004 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
54006 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54007 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54008 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54009 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54012 ------------------- -------------------------
54013 Independent thinker Crazy
54014 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
54015 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
54016 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
54017 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
54019 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
54020 Big and beautiful Really Fat
54021 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
54022 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
54024 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
54025 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
54026 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
54027 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
54029 We totally deny the allegations, and
54030 we're trying to identify the allegators.
54032 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
54033 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
54034 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
54035 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
54037 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
54040 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
54041 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
54042 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
54044 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
54045 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
54046 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
54047 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
54048 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
54049 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
54050 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
54051 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
54054 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
54055 were married for four and a half years.
54058 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
54060 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
54061 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
54064 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
54065 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
54066 French restaurant. [...]
54067 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
54068 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
54069 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
54070 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
54071 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
54072 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
54073 "Stop the car," the girl said.
54074 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
54075 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
54076 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
54077 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
54079 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
54080 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
54081 onto my granola and faced a new day.
54082 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
54085 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
54086 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
54090 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
54091 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
54093 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
54094 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
54095 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
54096 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
54097 in the end a summer with wild winds &
54098 new friends will be.
54100 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
54101 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
54102 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
54103 use of this material.
54104 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
54105 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
54106 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
54108 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54109 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54110 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54111 And a Sun Myung Moon!
54115 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
54117 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
54121 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
54122 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
54124 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54126 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
54129 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
54130 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
54131 least interested and say nothing about the other.
54133 Weekend, where are you?
54136 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
54139 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54140 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54141 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54142 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54144 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54145 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54147 Weinberg's First Law:
54148 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54150 Weinberg's Principle:
54151 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54152 on to the grand fallacy.
54154 Weinberg's Second Law:
54155 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54156 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54159 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54160 There are no answers, only cross references.
54162 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54163 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54166 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54178 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54179 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54180 -- Garrison Keillor
54182 Welcome to the Zoo!
54184 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54185 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54186 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54187 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54188 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54189 the reader! For example, the sentence
54191 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54193 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54194 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54195 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54196 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54197 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54198 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54199 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54200 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54203 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54205 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54206 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54207 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54208 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54209 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54210 *thousands* of words to say it.
54211 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54212 Fyodor Dostoevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54213 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54214 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54215 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54217 I'm told that Dostoevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54218 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54219 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54220 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54222 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54223 nature and will kill you.
54224 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54227 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54228 night. Live, on the Death label.
54229 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54231 Well begun is half done.
54234 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54235 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54239 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54241 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54243 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54244 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54245 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54246 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54247 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54248 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54250 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54251 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54252 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54253 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54254 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54255 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54256 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54257 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54260 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54262 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54263 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54266 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54267 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54268 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54269 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54270 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54271 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54272 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54273 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54274 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54275 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54276 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54277 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54278 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54280 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54281 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54282 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54283 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54284 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54285 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54286 When along came a senorita,
54287 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54288 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54289 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54290 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54291 Grow some funk of your own.
54292 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54293 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54295 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54296 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54297 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54299 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54300 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54301 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54302 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54303 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54305 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
\ba_
\bn*
54307 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54309 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54312 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54314 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54316 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54318 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54320 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54321 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54322 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54324 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54325 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54326 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54327 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54328 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54329 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54331 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54332 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54333 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54334 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54335 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54336 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54337 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54338 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54339 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54341 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54342 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54343 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54344 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54346 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54347 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54348 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54349 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54351 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54352 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54353 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54354 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54356 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54357 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54358 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54359 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54360 -- Core Dumped Blues
54362 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54363 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54364 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54367 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54369 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54370 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54371 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54372 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54374 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54376 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54379 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54380 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54383 Well, we'll really have a party,
54384 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54385 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54387 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54388 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54389 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54390 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54392 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54393 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54394 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54395 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54396 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54397 But the thrill we've never known,
54398 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54399 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54401 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54402 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54403 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54404 Drivin' my limousine.
54405 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54406 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54407 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54408 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54410 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54411 Who'll do anything we say.
54412 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54413 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54414 So we never have to be alone.
54415 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54416 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54417 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54418 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54420 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54421 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54424 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54445 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54446 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54447 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54449 We're all in this alone.
54452 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54453 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54454 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54455 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54456 it's not going to do anything for you.
54457 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54459 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54460 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54461 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54462 in his bowl full of jelly.
54463 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54465 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54466 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54467 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54468 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54470 We're happy little Vegemites,
54471 As bright as bright can be.
54472 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54473 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54475 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54476 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54477 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54479 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54481 We're Knights of the Round Table
54482 We dance whene'er we're able
54483 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54484 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54485 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54486 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54487 That are quite unsingable
54488 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54489 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54492 And impersonate Clark Gable
54493 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54494 I have to push the pram a lot.
54497 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54500 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54501 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
54502 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
54505 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
54506 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
54507 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
54508 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
54509 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
54510 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
54511 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
54512 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
54515 We're only in it for the volume.
54518 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
54521 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
54523 Westheimer's Discovery:
54524 A couple of months in the laboratory can
54525 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
54528 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
54530 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
54531 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
54532 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
54535 We've tried each spinning space mote
54536 And reckoned its true worth:
54537 Take us back again to the homes of men
54538 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
54540 The arching sky is calling
54541 Spacemen back to their trade.
54542 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
54543 And the lights below us fade.
54544 Out ride the sons of Terra,
54545 Far drives the thundering jet,
54546 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
54547 Out, far, and onward yet--
54549 We pray for one last landing
54550 On the globe that gave us birth;
54551 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
54552 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
54553 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
54555 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
54560 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
54561 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
54562 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
54563 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
54565 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
54566 understand what a misfortune it is.
54567 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855
54569 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
54570 -- WOP, "War Games"
54572 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
54575 What an artist dies with me!
54578 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
54582 What awful irony is this?
54583 We are as gods, but know it not.
54585 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
54587 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54589 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
54590 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
54591 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
54592 Can only be carried on one man's back.
54593 -- Louden Wainwright III
54595 What did you bring that book I didn't want
54596 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
54598 What did you do when the ship sank?
54599 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
54601 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
54602 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
54603 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
54604 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
54605 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
54606 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
54608 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
54611 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
54614 What does education often do?
54615 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
54616 -- Henry David Thoreau
54618 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
54620 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
54621 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
54622 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
54623 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
54624 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
54625 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
54626 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
54627 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
54628 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
54629 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
54630 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
54631 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
54632 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
54633 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
54634 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
54635 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
54637 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
54640 What ever happened to happily ever after?
54642 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
54645 What foods these morsels be!
54647 What fools these morals be!
54649 What fools these mortals be.
54650 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54652 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
54654 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
54656 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
54657 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
54658 country. Nice try anyway, George.
54659 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
54661 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
54662 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
54664 What good is a ticket to the good life,
54665 if you can't find the entrance?
54667 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
54668 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
54670 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
54673 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
54674 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54676 What happened last night can happen again.
54678 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
54679 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
54683 What happens to a dream deferred?
54685 Like a raisin in the sun?
54686 Or fester like a sore --
54688 Does it stink like rotten meat?
54689 Or crust and sugar over --
54690 Like a syrupy sweet?
54695 Or does it explode?
54698 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
54700 What has roots as nobody sees,
54701 Is taller than trees,
54703 And yet never grows?
54705 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
54706 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
54707 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
54708 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
54709 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
54710 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
54711 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
54712 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
54713 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
54714 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
54715 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
54716 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
54717 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
54718 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
54719 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
54720 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54722 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54723 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54724 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54725 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54727 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54728 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54729 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54730 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54732 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54734 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54736 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54737 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54738 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54740 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54741 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54742 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54744 What if there had been room at the inn?
54745 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54747 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54750 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54751 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54752 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54753 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54755 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54756 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54757 3. We may not change our hardware.
54758 4. We may not change our tasks.
54759 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54760 in which the work has to be done.
54762 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54763 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54765 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54767 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54770 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54774 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54775 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54777 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54778 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54779 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54780 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54781 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54782 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54783 all the weak: Christianity.
54784 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54786 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54787 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54789 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54791 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54793 -- Charles Baudelaire
54795 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54798 What is mind? No matter.
54799 What is matter? Never mind.
54800 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
54802 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54805 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54808 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54809 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54812 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54815 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54818 Uh, that still ain't right...
54819 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54820 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54821 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54823 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54824 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54825 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54827 "What is the Nature of God?"
54829 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54833 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54835 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54838 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54840 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54841 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54842 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54843 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54845 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54846 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54847 is the first law of nature.
54850 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54851 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54852 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54853 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54854 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54855 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54856 British civilian morale, 1939
54858 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54859 which is the exact opposite.
54860 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54862 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54864 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54865 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54867 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54868 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54871 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54874 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54875 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54877 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54878 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54880 What makes you think graduate school
54881 is supposed to be satisfying?
54882 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54884 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54886 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54887 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54889 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54890 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54893 What on earth would a man do with himself
54894 if something did not stand in his way?
54897 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54900 What one fool can do, another can.
54901 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
54903 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54905 What pains others pleasures me,
54906 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54907 There i couch in ecstasy,
54908 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54909 Into kernel memory.
54910 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54911 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54913 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54914 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54916 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54917 more than man's transparency.
54920 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54921 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54922 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54923 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54924 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54925 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54926 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54929 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54930 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54931 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54932 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54933 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54934 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54935 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54936 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54937 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54938 their grasp before they were five years old.
54939 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54941 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54942 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54944 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54947 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54948 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54949 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54950 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54951 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54952 The file, the highseg of login.
54953 Why lies it here, on public disk
54954 And why is it now unprotected?
54955 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54956 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54957 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54958 The file, the highseg of login.
54961 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54963 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54966 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54967 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54968 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54969 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54970 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54971 When they come to hang you, lad:
54972 But bacon's not the only thing
54973 That's cured by hanging from a string.
54974 So, when the spilt ink of the night
54975 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
54976 Lads whose job is still to do
54977 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
54980 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
54981 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
54982 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54984 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
54986 What the hell is it good for?
54987 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
54988 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
54989 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
54991 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
54993 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
54994 -- Nikita Khruschev
54996 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
55001 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
55002 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
55003 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
55004 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
55005 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
55007 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
55008 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
55009 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
55010 a long way with his skills."
55011 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
55012 "You won't find many people like her."
55013 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
55014 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
55015 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
55016 felony in my presence.)
55021 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
55023 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
55024 "Her input was always critical."
55025 (She never had a good word to say.)
55026 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
55027 (And it's nonexistent.)
55028 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
55029 already has so many outstanding members."
55030 (Unless you already have a moron.)
55031 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
55032 one unbelievable result after another."
55033 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
55034 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
55035 (In fact, to life in general...)
55040 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
55041 (We certainly never succeeded.)
55042 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
55043 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
55044 "Success will never spoil him."
55045 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
55046 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
55047 (And such a sigh of relief.)
55048 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
55049 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
55050 (And his IQ, as well.)
55051 "He should go far."
55052 (The farther the better.)
55053 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
55054 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
55056 What they say: What they mean:
55058 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
55059 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
55060 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
55061 to unforeseen difficulties
55062 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
55063 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
55064 assured grateful for anything at all.
55065 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
55066 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
55067 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
55069 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
55070 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
55071 approach kicking it around.
55072 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
55074 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
55076 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
55078 What they say: What they mean:
55080 New Different colors from previous version.
55081 All New Not compatible with previous version.
55082 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
55083 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
55084 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
55085 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
55086 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
55087 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
55088 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
55089 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
55090 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
55091 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
55092 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
55093 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
55094 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
55095 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
55096 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
55097 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
55099 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
55101 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
55103 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
55105 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
55107 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
55110 I don't know, it keeps changing.
55112 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
55113 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
55116 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
55117 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
55119 What we Are is God's give to us.
55120 What we Become is our gift to God.
55122 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
55125 What we do not understand we do not possess.
55128 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
55129 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
55130 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
55131 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
55132 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
55133 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
55134 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55135 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55137 What we need is either less corruption,
55138 or more chance to participate in it.
55140 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55143 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55146 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55147 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55150 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55152 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55153 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55155 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55157 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55160 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55161 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55162 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55163 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55165 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55167 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55168 something to occur to you.
55171 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55172 referring to AST's.]
55174 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55176 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55177 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
55178 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
55179 shredding hundred dollar bills."
55182 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55184 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55186 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55190 Whatever happened to the good old days
55191 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55193 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55195 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55197 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55198 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55199 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55201 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55202 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55204 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55205 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55207 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
55211 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55212 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55213 -- Charlotte Whitton
55215 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
55216 but it is very important that you do it.
55219 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55221 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55223 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55225 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55228 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55230 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55233 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55235 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55236 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55240 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55241 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55242 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55244 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55245 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55246 Some say your nose,
55247 Some say your toes,
55248 But I think it's your mind.
55249 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55251 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55254 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55255 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55257 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
55258 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
55261 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55263 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55265 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
55266 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
55269 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55272 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55273 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55275 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55276 inattentions of one.
55279 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55280 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55281 -- George Bernard Shaw
55283 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55284 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55285 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55287 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55288 should consider himself as public property.
55289 -- Thomas Jefferson
55291 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55294 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55295 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55298 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55302 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55303 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55304 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55305 liar who has broken his promises.
55308 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55310 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
55311 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
55312 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55313 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55315 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
55316 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55317 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55318 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55320 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55321 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55324 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55325 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55328 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55329 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55331 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55332 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55333 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55334 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55335 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55336 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55337 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55338 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55339 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55340 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55341 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
55342 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55343 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55345 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55346 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55347 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55350 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55352 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55353 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55355 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55357 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55359 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55361 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55363 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55366 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55367 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55370 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55371 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55373 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55374 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55375 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55377 When asked the definition of "pi":
55379 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55380 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55382 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55386 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55388 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55391 When choosing between two evils, I always
55392 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55393 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55395 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55396 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55399 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55401 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55402 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55403 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55404 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55405 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55406 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55409 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
55411 When does later become never?
55413 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
55414 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
55416 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55419 When forecasting, give them a number
55420 or give them a date, but never both.
55422 When God endowed human beings with brains,
55423 He did not intend to guarantee them.
55425 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55426 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55429 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55430 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55431 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55432 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55433 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55434 himself to destruction.
55437 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55438 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55441 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55442 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55443 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55445 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55447 like my grandfather.
55450 like the passengers in his car...
55452 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55453 and a willingness to compromise.
55454 -- Weber cartoon caption
55456 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55457 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55460 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55461 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55462 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55464 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55465 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55466 what you like now."
55469 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55470 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55471 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55473 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55474 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55475 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55476 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55478 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55480 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55481 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55483 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55484 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55487 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55488 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55490 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55492 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55493 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
55496 When I think about myself,
55497 I almost laugh myself to death,
55498 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
55499 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
55500 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
55501 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
55502 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
55503 I laugh until my stomach ache,
55504 When I think about myself.
55505 My folks can make me split my side,
55506 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
55507 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
55508 They grow the fruit,
55510 I laugh until I start to crying,
55511 When I think about my folks.
55514 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
55515 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
55517 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
55518 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
55521 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
55522 I was an only child... eventually.
55525 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
55526 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
55530 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
55531 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
55532 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
55535 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
55536 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
55539 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
55540 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
55543 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
55545 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
55546 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
55547 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55549 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
55550 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
55552 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
55553 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
55556 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
55557 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55559 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
55560 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
55561 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
55562 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
55563 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
55564 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
55565 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
55566 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
55567 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
55568 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
55570 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
55571 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
55574 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
55575 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
55576 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
55577 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
55580 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
55581 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
55584 When I works, I works hard.
55585 When I sits, I sits easy.
55586 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
55588 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
55589 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
55590 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
55591 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
55592 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
55593 questions like a senator.
55596 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
55599 When in charge ponder,
55600 When in doubt mumble,
55601 When in trouble delegate.
55603 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
55604 to apologize than to get permission.
55605 -- Grace Murray Hopper
55607 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
55609 When in doubt, follow your heart.
55611 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
55612 -- Raymond Chandler
55614 When in doubt, lead trump.
55616 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
55619 When in doubt, tell the truth.
55622 When in doubt, use brute force.
55625 When in panic, fear and doubt,
55626 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
55628 When in this world the headlines read
55629 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
55630 Who rob and steal from those who need
55631 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55632 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55633 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
55634 Fighting all who rob or plunder
55635 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
55639 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
55641 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
55642 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
55644 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
55646 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
55647 it is necessary not to make a decision.
55649 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
55650 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
55652 When license fees are too high,
55653 users do things by hand.
55654 When the management is too intrusive,
55655 users lose their spirit.
55657 Hack for the user's benefit.
55658 Trust them; leave them alone.
55660 When love is gone, there's always justice.
55661 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
55662 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
55666 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
55667 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
55669 When Marriage is Outlawed,
55670 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
55672 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
55675 When my brain begins to reel from my
55676 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
55679 When my fist clenches crack it open,
55680 Before I use it and lose my cool.
55681 When I smile tell me some bad news,
55682 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
55684 And if I swallow anything evil,
55685 Put you finger down my throat.
55686 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
55687 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
55689 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
55692 No one knows what its like to be hated,
55694 To telling only lies.
55697 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
55698 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
55699 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
55700 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
55701 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
55702 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
55703 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
55704 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
55705 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
55706 most unlikely of situations.
55707 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
55709 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
55710 touched, the majority of men live content.
55711 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
55713 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
55715 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55718 When one knows women one pities men,
55719 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55722 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55723 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55725 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55726 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55728 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55730 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55731 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55732 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55733 a camera for professional photographers
55735 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55736 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55737 And Oxygen still had none
55738 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55739 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55740 Called because of rain.
55742 When people have trouble communicating,
55743 the least they can do is to shut up.
55746 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55748 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55750 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55751 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55752 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55754 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55755 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55756 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55757 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55758 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55759 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55760 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55761 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55763 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55764 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55765 is away and you get twice as much done.
55768 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55769 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55771 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55772 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55774 When some people discover the truth, they just
55775 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55777 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55778 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55779 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55780 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55781 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55782 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55784 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55785 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55786 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55788 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55789 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55790 We only want the world to know
55791 That we support the status quo;
55792 They love us everywhere we go,
55793 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55794 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55796 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55797 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55799 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55802 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55804 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55805 of asterisked sentences:
55807 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55808 And costs less than $1,300.**
55810 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55812 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55813 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55814 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55815 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55816 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55818 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55819 you really want to. Or less.
55822 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55825 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55828 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55831 When the candles are out all women are fair.
55834 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55836 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55837 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
55839 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55842 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55843 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55845 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
55848 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55851 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55853 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55855 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55856 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55858 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55859 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55861 When the Guru administers, the users
55862 are hardly aware that he exists.
55863 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55864 Next, one who is feared.
55865 And worst, one who is despised.
55867 If you don't trust the users,
55868 you make them untrustworthy.
55870 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55871 When his work is done,
55872 the users say, "Amazing:
55873 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55875 When the leaders speak of peace
55876 The common folk know
55878 When the leaders curse war
55879 The mobilization order is already written out.
55881 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55882 I go to the market where lies are bought
55884 I take my place among the sellers.
55885 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55887 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55888 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55889 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55890 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55892 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55895 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55898 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55900 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55901 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55902 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55904 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55907 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55911 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55914 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55915 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55916 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55917 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55918 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55919 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55921 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55922 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55923 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55924 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55925 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55926 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55927 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55929 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55930 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55933 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55937 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55938 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55940 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55941 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55942 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55944 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55947 When things go well, expect something to
55948 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55950 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55951 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55952 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55953 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55954 -- George Bernard Shaw
55956 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55957 other user interfaces become ugly.
55958 When users see some programs as winners,
55959 other programs become lossage.
55961 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55962 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55963 Double and float cast to each other.
55964 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55965 While and until follow each other.
55968 programs without doing anything
55969 and teaches without saying anything.
55970 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
55971 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
55972 He has but doesn't possess,
55973 acts but doesn't expect.
55974 When his work is done, he deletes it.
55975 That is why it lasts forever.
55977 When we are planning for posterity,
55978 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
55981 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
55982 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
55983 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
55984 history of war have so few been led by so many.
55985 -- General James Gavin
55987 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
55989 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
55990 except our fingertips will have been singed.
55991 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55993 When we write programs that "learn",
55994 it turns out we do and they don't.
55996 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
55997 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
55999 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
56000 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
56004 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
56005 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
56007 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
56008 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
56009 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
56013 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
56014 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
56017 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
56019 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
56021 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
56022 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
56023 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
56024 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
56025 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
56026 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
56027 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
56028 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
56029 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
56030 from, to torture and unsettle us?
56031 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
56033 When you become used to never being alone,
56034 you may consider yourself Americanized.
56036 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
56038 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
56041 When you dig another out of trouble,
56042 you've got a place to bury your own.
56044 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
56046 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
56048 When you find yourself in danger,
56049 When you're threatened by a stranger,
56050 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
56052 There is one thing you should learn,
56053 When there is no one else to turn to,
56054 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
56055 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
56057 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
56058 And the world makes you King for a day,
56059 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
56060 And see what that guy has to say.
56061 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
56062 Who judgement upon you must pass.
56063 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
56064 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
56065 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
56066 For he's with you clear up to the end,
56067 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
56068 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
56069 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
56070 And think you're a wonderful guy,
56071 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
56072 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
56073 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
56074 And get pats on the back as you pass,
56075 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
56076 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
56077 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
56078 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
56079 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
56080 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
56082 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
56083 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
56086 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
56088 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
56091 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
56092 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
56093 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
56095 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
56096 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
56097 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
56098 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
56101 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
56102 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
56104 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
56105 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
56106 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56108 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
56109 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
56110 know the answer either.
56111 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
56113 When you live in a sick society,
56114 just about everything you do is wrong.
56116 When you make your mark in the world,
56117 watch out for guys with erasers.
56118 -- The Wall Street Journal
56120 When you meet a master swordsman,
56121 show him your sword.
56122 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
56123 do not show him your poem.
56124 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
56126 When you overesteem great hackers,
56127 more users become cretins.
56128 When you develop encryption,
56129 more users become crackers.
56132 by emptying user's minds
56133 and increasing their quotas,
56134 by weakening their ambition
56135 and toughening their resolve.
56136 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56137 management will not try to interfere.
56139 Practice not-looping,
56140 and everything will fall into place.
56142 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56143 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56144 -- Otto von Bismarck
56146 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56147 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56149 When you try to make an impression, the
56150 chances are that is the impression you will make.
56152 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56154 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56155 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56157 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56158 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56159 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56161 When your memory goes, forget it!
56163 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56167 You're a Yup all the way
56168 From your first slice of Brie
56169 To your last Cabernet.
56172 You're not just a dreamer
56173 You're making things happen
56174 You're driving a Beamer.
56176 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56177 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56178 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56179 I feel the same when you are hear.
56180 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56182 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56183 -- David Pryce-Jones
56185 When you're dining out and you suspect
56186 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56188 When you're down and out, lift up your
56189 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56191 When you're in command, command.
56194 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56195 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56196 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56197 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56199 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56201 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56203 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56204 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56205 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56207 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56208 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56209 to become a parrot or something.
56210 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56212 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56215 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56216 to spend their weekends with?
56219 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56221 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
56222 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
56225 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56226 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56227 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56230 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56233 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56234 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56235 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56236 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56237 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56238 And he was always human when he talked;
56239 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56240 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56241 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56242 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56243 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56244 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56245 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56246 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56247 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56248 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56249 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56251 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56252 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56254 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56255 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56256 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56258 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56260 Whenever you find that you are on the
56261 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
56264 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56265 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56266 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56267 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56269 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56271 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
56272 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
56274 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56276 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56277 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56278 When it's converted to energy?
56279 There is a slight loss of parity.
56280 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56282 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56285 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56288 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56289 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56290 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56292 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56295 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56296 examine the laws of heat.
56297 -- Christopher Morley
56299 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56300 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56301 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56302 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56304 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56305 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56306 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56307 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56310 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56312 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56314 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56315 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56317 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56320 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56322 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56324 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56326 Where will it all end?
56327 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56329 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56330 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56332 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56335 Where's the man could ease a heart
56337 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56339 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56340 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56343 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56344 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56345 Go on, do not rest.
56346 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56348 Whether you can hear it or not
56349 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56350 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56352 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56354 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56355 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56356 -- John Joseph Lynch
56358 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
56359 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
56361 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56362 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56363 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56364 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56365 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56366 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56367 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56370 While having never invented a sin,
56371 I'm trying to perfect several.
56373 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56374 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56375 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56376 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56377 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56378 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56379 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56381 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56382 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56383 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56385 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56386 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56388 And now I see with eye serene
56389 The very pulse of the machine.
56390 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56392 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56393 referring to software interrupts.]
56395 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56396 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56397 -- Edward Stevenson
56399 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
56400 lets you choose your own form of misery.
56402 While most peoples' opinions change,
56403 the conviction of their correctness never does.
56405 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56406 held a gun to his head.
56407 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56408 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56409 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56410 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56411 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56412 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56414 While there's life, there's hope.
56415 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56417 While walking down a crowded
56418 City street the other day,
56419 I heard a little urchin
56420 To a comrade turn and say,
56421 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56422 I'd be happy as a clam
56423 If only I was de feller dat
56424 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56426 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56427 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56428 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56429 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56430 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56431 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56432 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56433 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56434 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56436 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56439 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
56440 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
56442 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56443 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56445 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56446 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56449 Whip it, whip it good!
56452 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56454 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56456 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56458 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
56459 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
56460 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
56463 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56468 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56469 ...they might want to cut it out...
56471 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56472 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56476 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56479 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56480 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56482 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56485 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56486 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56487 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56489 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56492 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56495 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56499 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
56501 Who loves me will also love my dog.
56504 Who loves not wisely but too well
56505 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
56506 But he whose love is thin and wise
56507 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
56510 Who made the world I cannot tell;
56511 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
56512 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
56513 I never soiled with such a deed.
56516 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
56518 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
56520 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
56521 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
56523 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
56524 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
56526 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
56527 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
56530 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
56532 Who was that masked man?
56534 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
56536 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
56538 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
56539 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
56541 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56543 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
56546 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
56547 pure in heart can make a good soup.
56548 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
56550 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
56552 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
56555 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
56557 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
56559 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
56564 Who's scruffy-looking?
56567 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
56568 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
56570 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
56573 Why are programmers non-productive?
56574 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
56576 Why are programmers rebellious?
56577 Because the management interferes too much.
56579 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
56580 Because they are burnt out.
56582 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
56583 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
56585 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
56586 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
56589 Why are you so hard to ignore?
56591 Why are you watching
56592 The washing machine?
56593 I love entertainment
56594 So long as it's clean.
56596 Professor Doberman:
56597 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
56598 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
56599 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
56600 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
56601 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
56602 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
56603 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
56604 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
56605 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
56606 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
56609 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
56612 Why be a man when you can be a success?
56615 Why be difficult, when, with just a
56616 little more effort, you can be impossible?
56618 Why bother building anymore nuclear
56619 warheads until we use the ones we have?
56621 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
56623 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
56624 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
56626 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
56629 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
56630 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
56631 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
56634 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
56635 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
56637 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
56638 It's quite uncanny.
56640 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
56642 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
56644 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
56646 Why do we want intelligent terminals
56647 when there are so many stupid users?
56649 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
56652 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
56654 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
56655 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
56656 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56658 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
56661 New Jersey had first choice.
56663 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
56666 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
56668 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
56670 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
56671 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
56672 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
56673 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
56675 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56677 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
56678 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
56680 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
56684 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56686 I'd LOVE to, but...
56687 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
56688 -- None of my socks match.
56689 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
56690 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
56691 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
56692 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
56693 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
56694 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
56695 named Basil Metabolism.
56696 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
56697 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
56698 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
56699 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
56700 -- I feel a song coming on.
56702 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56704 I'd LOVE to, but...
56705 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
56706 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
56707 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
56708 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
56709 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
56710 -- My subconscious says no.
56711 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
56712 can't seem to put it down.
56713 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
56714 -- I have to study for my blood test.
56715 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
56716 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
56717 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
56719 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56721 I'd LOVE to, but...
56722 -- I have to floss my cat.
56723 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56724 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56725 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56726 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56727 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56728 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56729 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56730 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56731 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56733 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56735 I'd LOVE to, but...
56736 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56737 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56738 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56739 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56740 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56741 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56742 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56743 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56744 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56745 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56747 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56749 I'd LOVE to, but...
56750 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56751 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56752 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56753 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56754 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56755 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56756 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56757 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56758 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56759 -- My crayons all melted together.
56761 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56763 I'd LOVE to, but ...
56764 -- I have to floss my cat.
56765 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56766 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56767 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56768 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
56769 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56770 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56771 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56772 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56773 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56774 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56775 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56777 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56779 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56781 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56782 It is because we are not the person involved.
56785 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56788 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56791 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56792 way to prove how much she means to me?
56794 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56795 you knowing nothing?
56796 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56798 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56800 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56802 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56803 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56804 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56805 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56806 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56807 I can't think why not.
56808 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56809 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56811 Why not go out on a limb?
56812 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56814 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56815 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56816 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56818 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56820 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56821 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56823 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56824 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56825 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56827 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56829 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56831 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56832 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56834 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56835 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56837 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56840 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56841 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56842 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56843 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56844 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56845 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56846 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56847 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56848 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56849 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56850 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56851 eternity for his faithlessness.
56852 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56853 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56855 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56858 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56860 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56861 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56862 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56863 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56866 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56867 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56870 Government expands to absorb all
56871 available revenue and then some.
56874 A pat on the back is only a few
56875 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56877 Will Rogers never met you.
56879 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56880 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56882 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56883 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56886 Williams and Holland's Law:
56887 If enough data is collected,
56888 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56890 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56891 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56892 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56893 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56895 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56896 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56897 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56898 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56900 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56901 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56902 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56903 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
56904 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56906 Wilner's Observation:
56907 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56909 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56912 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56914 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56915 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56916 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56919 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56922 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56923 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56925 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56926 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56927 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56929 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56932 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56934 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56938 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56940 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56942 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56943 try to be a fraud and a half.
56944 -- Otto von Bismarck
56946 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56947 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56949 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56950 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56952 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56953 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56954 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56956 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56958 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56959 they make a law it's a joke.
56962 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56963 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56964 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56965 is no such thing as progress.
56968 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
56969 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
56972 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
56974 With reasonable men I will reason;
56975 with humane men I will plead;
56976 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
56977 -- William Lloyd Garrison
56979 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
56980 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
56981 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
56982 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
56984 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
56985 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
56987 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
56988 the city and forty on the highway."
56990 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
56991 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
56992 close. Like catching snakes.
56995 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
56997 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
56998 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
56999 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
57000 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
57001 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
57002 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
57003 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
57004 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
57005 White House's National Security Council, Washington
57006 Post, 21 March, 1982
57008 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
57009 -- Alfred North Whitehead
57011 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
57012 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
57013 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
57014 important to him than his table or his white robe.
57015 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
57017 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
57019 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
57021 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
57023 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
57024 without intelligence love is not enough.
57027 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
57030 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
57031 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
57032 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
57033 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
57035 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
57036 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
57037 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
57040 A man who knows all the ankles.
57042 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
57043 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
57045 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
57048 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
57049 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
57053 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
57054 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
57055 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57057 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
57058 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
57059 I shall be sober in the morning.
57061 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
57062 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
57063 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
57064 that he might love her.
57067 Woman would be more charming if one could
57068 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
57071 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
57074 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
57075 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
57076 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
57077 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
57078 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
57079 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
57080 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
57083 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
57084 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
57087 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
57088 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
57089 marriage certificates, and defy you.
57092 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
57093 from charity, or revenge?
57094 -- Gustave Vapereau
57096 Women are just like men, only different.
57098 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
57099 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
57102 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
57105 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
57108 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
57111 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
57114 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
57115 but it takes more of them to do it.
57117 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
57120 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
57121 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
57124 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
57125 as good as any other.
57126 -- Philippe De Remi
57128 Women give themselves to God when the
57129 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
57132 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
57133 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
57136 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
57137 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
57140 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
57141 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
57142 original earth clinging to the roots.
57145 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57146 than men who reason with the head.
57149 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57150 but never a man who misses one.
57151 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57153 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57154 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57157 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57158 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57159 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57162 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57163 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57166 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57167 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57170 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57171 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57174 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57176 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57177 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57178 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57181 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57183 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57184 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57186 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57187 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57188 Socrates, quoting Plato
57191 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57193 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57194 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57195 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57196 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57197 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57198 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57201 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57202 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57203 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57204 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57205 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57206 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57207 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57208 although their insurance rates went way up.
57209 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57212 A theory is better than its explanation.
57214 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57215 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57216 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57217 -- Cheers, Airport V
57219 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57220 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57221 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57224 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57225 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57227 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57228 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57229 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57231 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57232 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57233 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57235 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57236 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57237 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57239 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57240 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57241 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57243 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57244 swallowed the canary.
57245 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57246 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57248 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57249 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57250 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57252 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57253 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57254 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57256 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57257 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57258 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57260 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57261 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57262 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57264 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57266 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57267 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57268 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57270 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57271 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57272 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57274 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57275 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57276 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57278 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57279 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57280 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57282 Sam: How's life treating you?
57283 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57284 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57286 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57287 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57289 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57290 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57292 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57293 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57294 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57296 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57297 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57298 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57300 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57301 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57302 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57303 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57305 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57306 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57307 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57309 Words are the voice of the heart.
57311 Words can never express what words can never express.
57313 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57316 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57319 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57320 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57322 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57323 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57326 Work continues in this area.
57327 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57329 Work expands to fill the time available.
57330 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57332 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57333 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57335 -- Bertrand Russell
57337 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57340 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57343 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57344 a handshake, and have fun.
57345 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57346 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57348 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57349 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57350 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57351 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57352 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57355 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57357 Work without a vision is slavery,
57358 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57359 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57361 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
57364 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57366 -- Christopher Plummer
57368 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57369 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57370 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57371 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57372 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57373 error in the world."
57376 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57379 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57380 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57382 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57383 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57384 -- Steve Rubenstein
57386 Worst Month of the Year:
57387 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57388 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
57389 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57390 -- Steve Rubenstein
57392 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57393 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57394 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
57395 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
57397 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57398 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57399 -- Steve Rubenstein
57402 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57405 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57406 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57407 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57408 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57411 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57412 -- Princess Leia Organa
57414 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57417 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57419 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57422 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57424 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57426 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57428 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
57430 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
57431 trial testimony, 1947
57433 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57436 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57438 -- "Broadcast News"
57440 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57443 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57446 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57448 write-protect tab, n:
57449 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
57450 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
57451 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
57455 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57456 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57457 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57458 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57459 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57460 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57461 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57462 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57463 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57464 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57465 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57466 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57468 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57471 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57473 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57474 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57477 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57480 Writing software is more fun than working.
57484 "Wrong," said Renner.
57486 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57487 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57490 What You See Is What You Get.
57493 Accept any substitute.
57494 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57495 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57496 Form follows malfunction.
57497 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57498 The trailing edge of software technology.
57499 Armageddon never looked so good.
57500 Japan's secret weapon.
57501 You'll envy the dead.
57502 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57503 Let it get in YOUR way.
57504 The problem for your problem.
57505 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57506 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57507 Simplicity made complex.
57508 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57509 Flakey and built to stay that way.
57511 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
57515 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
57516 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
57517 Built to take on the world... and lose!
57518 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
57519 Power tools for Power Fools.
57520 Putting new limits on productivity.
57521 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
57522 Design by counterexample.
57523 A new level of software disintegration.
57524 No hardware is safe.
57526 Rationalization, not realization.
57527 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
57528 Gratuitous incompatibility.
57530 THE user interference management system.
57531 You can't argue with failure.
57532 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
57534 The environment of today... tomorrow!
57538 Something you can be ashamed of.
57539 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
57540 The first fully modular software disaster.
57541 Rome was destroyed in a day.
57542 Warn your friends about it.
57543 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
57544 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
57545 Don't wait for the movie.
57546 Never use it after a big meal.
57548 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
57549 It'll make your day.
57550 Don't get frustrated without it.
57551 Power tools for power losers.
57552 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
57553 Never had it. Never will.
57554 The software with no visible means of support.
57555 More than just a generation behind.
57557 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
57561 The ultimate bottleneck.
57562 Flawed beyond belief.
57563 The only thing you have to fear.
57564 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
57565 On autopilot to oblivion.
57566 The joke that kills.
57567 A disgrace you can be proud of.
57568 A mistake carried out to perfection.
57569 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
57570 To err is X windows.
57571 Ignorance is our most important resource.
57572 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
57573 Built to fall apart.
57574 Nullifying centuries of progress.
57575 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
57576 The last thing you need.
57577 The de facto substandard.
57579 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
57583 We will dump no core before its time.
57584 One good crash deserves another.
57585 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
57587 It didn't even look good on paper.
57588 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
57589 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
57590 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
57591 It could happen to you.
57592 The art of incompetence.
57593 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
57594 When uselessness just isn't enough.
57595 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
57596 When you can't afford to be right.
57597 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
57599 If it works, it isn't X windows.
57602 You'd better sit down.
57603 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
57604 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
57605 Live the nightmare.
57606 Our bugs run faster.
57607 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
57608 There ARE no rules.
57609 You'll wish we were kidding.
57610 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
57611 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
57612 There's got to be a better way.
57613 The next best thing to keypunching.
57614 Leave the thrashing to us.
57615 We wrote the book on core dumps.
57616 Even your dog won't like it.
57617 More than enough rope.
57618 Garbage at your fingertips.
57620 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
57623 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
57625 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
57627 XEROX never does anything original.
57630 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
57631 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
57632 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
57633 the managers would fly off.
57635 It costs a lot to build bad products.
57637 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
57638 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
57639 intermingle the two.
57641 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
57642 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
57643 of every airplane's weight.
57645 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
57646 and two-thirds of the problems.
57647 -- Norman Augustine
57650 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
57651 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
57652 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57655 The more one produces, the less one gets.
57657 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
57659 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
57661 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
57662 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
57663 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
57665 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
57666 unexpected should have been expected.
57668 A billion saved is a billion earned.
57669 -- Norman Augustine
57672 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
57673 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
57675 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
57676 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
57677 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
57678 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
57680 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
57682 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
57683 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
57684 as long as the official's who created it.
57686 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
57687 government workers than there are workers.
57689 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
57690 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
57691 -- Norman Augustine
57693 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
57696 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
57698 -- XML guru Chris Maden
57700 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
57701 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
57704 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
57705 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
57706 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
57707 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
57709 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
57710 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
57712 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
57713 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
57714 ten degradation accomplished.
57716 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
57717 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
57719 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
57720 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
57721 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
57722 -- Norman Augustine
57725 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
57727 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
57728 not selling advice.
57730 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
57731 currently estimated.
57733 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
57734 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
57735 costly action known to man.
57737 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
57738 or a new canvas to an artist.
57739 -- Norman Augustine
57742 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57743 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57745 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57747 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57749 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57750 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57751 hang on about half a decade.
57753 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57754 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57755 -- Norman Augustine
57758 The optimum committee has no members.
57760 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57761 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57763 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57765 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57766 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57769 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57770 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57771 the data authenticity.
57772 -- Norman Augustine
57775 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57776 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57777 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57778 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57780 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57781 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57783 The early bird gets the worm.
57784 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57786 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57787 the year -- in either direction.
57789 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57790 -- Norman Augustine
57792 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57794 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57795 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57796 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57797 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57798 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57799 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57801 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57802 rays and became a tangent ?
57804 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57805 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57807 Yea from the table of my memory
57808 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57811 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57812 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57813 operators together.
57816 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57818 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57820 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57821 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57823 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57824 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57828 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57829 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57832 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57834 Year Name James Bond Book
57835 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57836 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57837 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57838 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57839 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57840 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57841 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57842 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57843 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57844 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57845 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57846 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57847 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57848 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57849 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57850 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57851 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57852 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57853 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57854 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57857 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57858 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57860 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57862 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57864 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57867 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57868 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57871 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57872 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57873 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57874 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57875 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57876 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57877 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57879 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57881 -- George Michaelson
57883 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57884 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57885 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57888 Yesterday upon the stair
57889 I met a man who wasn't there.
57890 He wasn't there again today --
57891 I think he's from the CIA.
57893 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57894 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57895 I'm not respectable.
57896 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57898 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57902 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57903 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57906 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57907 hoping no one will notice.
57908 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57910 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57912 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57913 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57915 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57917 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57919 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57920 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57921 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57922 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57924 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57926 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57929 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57932 You are always busy.
57934 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57936 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57937 I demand that you log off immediately.
57939 You are as I am with You.
57941 You are capable of planning your future.
57943 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57945 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57947 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57948 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57950 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57952 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57954 You are false data.
57956 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57957 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57959 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57961 You are going to have a new love affair.
57972 But you're not all there.
57974 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
57976 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
57978 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
57980 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
57982 You are loved by the multitudes.
57983 Have you been to the clinic lately?
57985 You are magnetic in your bearing.
57987 You are never given a wish without also being given the
57988 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
57990 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
57992 You are not a fool just because you have done
57993 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
57995 You are not dead yet.
57996 But watch for further reports.
57998 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
57999 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
58000 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
58003 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
58004 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
58006 You are number 6! Who is number one?
58008 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
58009 "All your papers these days look the same;
58010 Those William's would be better unread --
58011 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
58013 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
58014 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
58015 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
58016 Made it pointless to think any more."
58018 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
58019 "And your hair has become very white;
58020 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
58021 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
58023 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
58024 "I feared it might injure the brain;
58025 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
58026 Why, I do it again and again."
58029 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
58030 That your lectures bore people to death.
58031 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
58032 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
58034 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
58035 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
58036 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58037 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
58039 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
58040 For anything tougher than suet;
58041 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
58042 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
58044 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
58045 And argued each case with my wife;
58046 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
58047 Has lasted the rest of my life."
58050 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
58051 And there isn't one language you like;
58052 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
58053 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
58055 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
58056 "Every language looks equally bad;
58057 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
58058 And don't realize that they've been had."
58060 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58061 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
58062 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
58063 Pray what is the reason of that?"
58065 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
58066 "I kept all my limbs very supple
58067 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
58068 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
58071 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58072 And make errors few people could bear;
58073 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
58074 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
58076 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
58077 "But my stature these days is so great
58078 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
58079 And to stop me it's now far too late."
58081 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
58082 That your eye was as steady as ever;
58083 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
58084 What made you so awfully clever?"
58086 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
58087 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
58088 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58089 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
58092 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
58094 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
58095 Therefore you have few friends.
58097 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
58098 I like that in a person.
58100 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
58102 You are standing on my toes.
58104 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
58106 You are the only person to ever get this message.
58108 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
58109 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
58110 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
58111 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
58112 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
58113 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
58114 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
58115 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
58116 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
58117 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
58118 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
58119 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
58120 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
58121 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
58123 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
58124 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
58125 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
58127 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
58128 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
58130 You ask what a nice girl will do?
58131 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
58132 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
58134 You attempt things that you do not even plan
58135 because of your extreme stupidity.
58139 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
58141 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
58142 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
58143 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
58144 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
58145 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
58146 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
58147 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58148 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58149 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58151 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58154 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58156 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58157 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58158 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58159 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58160 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58161 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58162 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58164 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58165 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58167 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58169 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58170 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58172 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58173 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58174 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
58176 You can be replaced by this computer.
58178 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58179 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58181 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58182 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58183 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58185 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58186 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58187 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58188 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58191 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58194 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58195 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58196 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58197 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58198 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58199 -- The Palindromist
58201 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58202 Blackmail a senior executive.
58204 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58207 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58208 Why do you find that funny?
58209 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58211 You can do very well in speculation where
58212 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58214 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58216 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58217 and the budget is big enough.
58218 -- Joseph E. Levine
58220 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58221 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58223 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58224 and all of the people some of the time,
58225 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58227 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58228 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58230 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58232 You can get everything in life you want,
58233 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58235 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58236 can with just a kind word.
58239 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58240 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58242 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58244 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58246 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58248 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58249 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58251 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58252 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58254 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58255 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58258 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58259 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58262 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58263 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58267 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58268 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58271 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58274 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58276 -- Franklin P. Jones
58278 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58280 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58281 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58284 You can move the world with an idea,
58285 but you have to think of it first.
58287 You can never do just one thing.
58290 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58292 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58293 -- Jeannette Rankin
58295 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58296 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58298 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58299 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58301 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58302 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58304 You can now buy more gates with less
58305 specifications than at any other time in history.
58308 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58311 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58313 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58315 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58316 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58317 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58320 You can tell how far we have to go,
58321 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
58324 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58327 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58329 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58330 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
58332 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58333 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58335 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58337 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58338 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58341 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58344 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58346 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58348 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58351 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58354 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58356 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58358 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58360 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58361 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58364 You can't cheat the phone company.
58366 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58368 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58369 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
58371 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58374 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58377 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58378 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58379 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58380 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58381 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58383 You can't fall off the floor.
58385 You can't get there from here.
58387 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58389 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58392 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58395 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58396 -- Booker T. Washington
58398 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58400 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58402 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58403 only sooner than she thought you would.
58405 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58406 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58407 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58409 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58411 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58413 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58414 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58416 You can't push on a string.
58418 You can't run away forever,
58419 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58420 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58422 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58426 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58427 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58430 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58431 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58434 You can't take damsel here now.
58436 You can't take it with you --
58437 especially when crossing a state line.
58439 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58440 either they have it, or they don't.
58441 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58443 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58444 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58445 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58447 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
58448 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
58450 You could live a better life, if you
58451 had a better mind and a better body.
58453 You couldn't even prove the White House
58454 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
58455 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58457 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58461 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58463 You do not have mail.
58465 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58467 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58468 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58469 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58471 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58474 You don't have to know how the computer
58475 works, just how to work the computer.
58477 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58480 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58483 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
58484 reason to eat with knitting needles.
58485 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58487 You enjoy the company of other people.
58489 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58490 now than you did when you used to.
58492 You fill a much-needed gap.
58494 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58495 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58496 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58497 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58498 names. Here's the complete text:
58500 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58501 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58502 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58503 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58504 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58505 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58506 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58507 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58509 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58510 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58512 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58514 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58515 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58516 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
58518 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
58520 You get what you pay for.
58523 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
58524 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
58527 You go down to the pickup station,
58528 craving warmth and beauty;
58529 You settle for less than fascination --
58530 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
58531 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
58532 on this strange new flesh you've found --
58533 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
58534 you hurry to the blackness
58535 and the blankets to lay down an impression
58536 and your loneliness.
58539 You got to be very careful if you don't know
58540 where you're going, because you might not get there.
58543 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
58544 And you know it don't come easy ...
58545 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
58546 And you know it don't come easy ...
58548 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
58550 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
58552 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
58555 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
58557 You had some happiness once,
58558 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
58560 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
58562 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
58564 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
58566 You have a message from the operator.
58568 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
58569 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
58571 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
58573 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
58575 You have a strong desire for a home
58576 and your family interests come first.
58578 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
58580 You have a truly strong individuality.
58582 You have a will that can be influenced
58583 by all with whom you come in contact.
58585 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
58587 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
58589 You are permanently confused.
58592 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
58595 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
58596 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
58599 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
58601 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
58603 You have an unusual equipment for success.
58604 Be sure to use it properly.
58606 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
58607 metal objects which are not fastened down.
58609 You have an unusual understanding of
58610 the problems of human relationships.
58612 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
58613 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
58615 You have been selected for a secret mission.
58617 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
58619 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
58621 You have junk mail.
58623 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
58627 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
58629 You have no real enemies.
58631 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
58632 -- John Viscount Morley
58634 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
58635 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
58637 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
58640 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
58641 You'll learn a lot today.
58643 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
58645 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
58646 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
58649 You humans are all alike.
58651 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
58652 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
58653 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
58655 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
58658 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
58659 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
58661 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
58664 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
58665 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
58666 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
58668 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
58671 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
58672 you people are all going to owe me big.
58675 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
58676 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
58678 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
58679 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
58682 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
58685 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
58686 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
58687 You play around you lose your wife,
58688 You play too long, you lose your life.
58689 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
58690 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
58692 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
58694 -- M. Somerset Maugham
58696 You know, the difference between this company and
58697 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
58699 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
58700 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
58701 you can always change the channel.
58704 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
58705 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
58708 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
58709 and I had my hands about it.
58710 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
58712 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
58716 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
58717 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
58718 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
58719 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
58720 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
58722 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
58725 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
58726 -- S. Rickly Christian
58728 You know your apartment is small...
58729 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
58730 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
58731 you have to go outside to change your mind.
58732 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
58734 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
58735 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
58737 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
58738 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
58739 mother is allowed to take.
58741 You know you're in a small town when...
58742 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
58743 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
58744 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
58745 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58746 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58747 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58748 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58750 You know you're in trouble when...
58751 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58752 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58753 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58755 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58756 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58757 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58758 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58760 You know you're in trouble when...
58761 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58762 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58763 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58764 and there aren't any.
58765 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58766 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58767 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58768 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58770 You know you're in trouble when...
58771 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58773 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58774 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58775 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58776 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58777 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58778 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58779 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58781 You know you're in trouble when...
58782 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58783 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58784 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58785 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58786 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58787 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58788 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58789 after you bought a waterbed.
58790 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58791 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58794 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58795 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58796 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58797 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58799 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58800 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58802 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58804 You learn to write as if to someone else
58805 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58807 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58809 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58810 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58811 -- Remington Steele
58813 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58819 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58821 You may already be a loser.
58822 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58824 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58825 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58827 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58828 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58830 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58832 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58833 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58836 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58837 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58840 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58841 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58842 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58844 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58848 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58850 You may have heard that a dean is
58851 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58854 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58855 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58856 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58858 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58859 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58861 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58864 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58865 making lots of little phone companies?
58867 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58868 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58869 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58870 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58871 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58873 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58874 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58875 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58876 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58878 You might have mail.
58880 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58881 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58882 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58885 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58886 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58888 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58889 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58890 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58891 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58892 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58893 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58894 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58895 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58896 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58898 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58899 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58900 are merely deputies of that one.
58903 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58904 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58906 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58908 You need no longer worry about the future.
58909 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58911 You need not worry about your future.
58913 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58914 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58915 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58917 -- Charles A. Beard
58919 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58922 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58924 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58926 You never have to change anything you
58927 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58930 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58932 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58935 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58938 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58940 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58941 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58942 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58943 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58944 guys were getting stoned!
58947 You now have Asian Flu.
58949 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58950 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58951 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58953 -- J. Wellington Wells
58955 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58957 You plan things that you do not even
58958 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58960 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58962 You prefer the company of the opposite
58963 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58965 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58966 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
58969 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
58971 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
58972 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
58980 Let's go be the Vice President...
58982 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
58984 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
58985 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
58986 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
58987 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
58988 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
58989 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
58990 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
58991 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
58992 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
58993 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
58994 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
58995 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
58999 You see things; and you say "Why?"
59000 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
59001 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
59002 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
59004 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
59005 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
59006 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
59007 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
59009 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
59011 You seek to shield those you love
59012 and you like the role of the provider.
59014 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
59016 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
59019 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
59021 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
59024 You should go home.
59026 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
59027 incest and folk-dancing.
59028 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
59030 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
59032 -- Ernest Rutherford
59034 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
59035 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
59036 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
59038 You should never wear your best trousers
59039 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
59042 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
59043 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
59044 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
59045 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
59046 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
59047 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
59048 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
59049 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59051 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
59052 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
59053 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
59054 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
59055 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
59056 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
59057 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
59058 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
59059 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
59060 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
59062 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
59064 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
59066 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
59067 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
59068 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
59070 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
59071 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
59073 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
59074 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
59077 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
59079 You teach best what you most need to learn.
59081 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
59083 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
59085 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
59086 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
59087 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
59089 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
59090 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
59091 make really big Zorkmids."
59093 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
59094 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
59096 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
59098 You too can wear a nose mitten.
59100 You tread upon my patience.
59101 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
59103 You two ought to be more careful--
59104 your love could drag on for years and years.
59106 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
59107 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
59110 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
59112 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
59114 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
59116 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
59118 You will be advanced socially,
59119 without any special effort on your part.
59121 You will be aided greatly by a person
59122 whom you thought to be unimportant.
59124 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
59125 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
59127 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
59129 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
59131 You will be awarded some great honor.
59133 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
59135 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
59137 You will be dead within a year.
59139 You will be divorced within a year.
59141 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
59143 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59145 You will be honored for contributing
59146 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59148 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59149 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59151 You will be married within a year.
59153 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59155 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59157 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59159 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59161 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59163 You will be run over by a bus.
59165 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59167 You will be successful in love.
59169 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59171 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59173 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59175 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59177 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59179 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59181 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59183 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59185 You will contract a rare disease.
59187 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59189 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59191 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59193 You will find me drinking gin
59194 In the lowest kind of inn,
59195 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59196 -- G. K. Chesterton
59198 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59200 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59202 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59204 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59206 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59208 You will get what you deserve.
59210 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59212 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59214 You will have a long and boring life.
59216 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59218 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59220 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59222 You will have long and healthy life.
59224 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59226 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59228 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59230 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59232 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59234 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59236 You will lose an important disk file.
59238 You will lose an important tape file.
59240 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59241 mayonnaise salesman.
59243 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59245 You will never amount to much.
59246 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59248 You will never know hunger.
59250 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59252 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59254 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59256 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59258 You will pass away very quickly.
59260 You will pay for your sins.
59261 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59263 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59265 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59267 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59269 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59271 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59273 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59274 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59275 the butter upon a hot day.
59278 You will soon forget this.
59280 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59282 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59284 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59285 but only because your brakes are defective.
59287 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59289 You will triumph over your enemy.
59291 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59293 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59295 You will wish you hadn't.
59297 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59300 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59302 You worry too much about your job.
59303 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59305 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59306 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59307 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59308 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59309 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59310 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59311 yourself in this way."
59312 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59314 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59316 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59317 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59318 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59320 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59321 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59325 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59326 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59328 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59331 What you always were,
59332 Which has nothing to do with,
59333 All to do, with her.
59336 You'll be called to a post requiring
59337 ability in handling groups of people.
59341 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59342 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59344 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59346 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59348 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59349 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59351 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59352 hard things when they were easier to do.
59354 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59355 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59356 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59357 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59358 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59359 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59360 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59361 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59362 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59363 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59364 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59365 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59366 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59367 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59368 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59369 the defects of both.
59370 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59372 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59373 old men hearkened when he was young.
59376 Young men think old men are fools;
59377 but old men know young men are fools.
59380 Your aim is high and to the right.
59382 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59384 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
59385 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
59387 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59388 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59390 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59392 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59394 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59396 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59398 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59400 Your code should be more efficient!
59402 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59404 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59406 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59409 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59410 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59411 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59412 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59413 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59414 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59415 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59416 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59417 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59418 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59419 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59420 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59421 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59422 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59423 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59424 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59425 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59426 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59428 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59430 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59432 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59433 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59434 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59435 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59436 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59437 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59438 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59439 seconds if we felt like it.
59440 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59442 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59444 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59446 Your fault - core dumped
59448 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59451 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59456 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59457 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59458 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59459 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59460 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59462 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59463 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59464 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59465 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59466 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59471 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59472 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
59473 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59474 and you will live all the days of your life.
59476 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59477 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59478 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59479 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59480 miss two car payments.
59482 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59483 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59484 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59485 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59486 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59492 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59493 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59494 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59495 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59496 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59498 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59499 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59500 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59501 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59504 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59505 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59506 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59507 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59508 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59509 than people who work standing up.
59511 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59512 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59513 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59515 Your goose is cooked.
59516 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
59518 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
59520 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
59522 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
59524 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
59526 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
59528 Your love life will be... interesting.
59530 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
59532 Your lucky color has faded.
59534 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
59536 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
59537 Watch for it everywhere.
59539 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
59540 original and the part that is original is not good.
59543 Your mind is the part of you that says,
59544 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
59545 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
59546 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
59547 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
59549 Your mind understands what you have been
59550 taught; your heart, what is true.
59552 Your mode of life will be changed for
59553 the better because of good news soon.
59555 Your mode of life will be changed for
59556 the better because of new developments.
59558 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
59560 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
59562 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
59563 Face like ice, a little bit colder
59564 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
59565 You learned in school"
59566 But I don't really see
59567 Why can't we go on as three?
59568 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
59570 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
59571 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
59573 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
59575 Your object is to save the world,
59576 while still leading a pleasant life.
59578 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
59579 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
59580 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
59581 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
59582 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
59584 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
59586 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
59588 Your password is pitifully obvious.
59590 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
59592 Your present plans will be successful.
59594 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
59596 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
59598 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
59599 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
59600 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
59601 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
59603 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
59605 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
59607 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
59609 Your step will soil many countries.
59611 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
59613 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
59615 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
59616 be relieved in a surprising manner.
59618 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
59620 Your wig steers the gig.
59623 Your wise men don't know how it feels
59624 To be thick as a brick.
59625 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
59627 Your worship is your furnaces
59628 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
59629 have molten bowels; your vision is
59630 machines for making more machines.
59631 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
59633 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
59635 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
59636 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
59638 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
59639 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
59641 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
59642 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
59644 You're all clear now, kid.
59645 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
59648 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
59650 You're already carrying the sphere!
59652 You're always thinking you're gonna be
59653 the one that makes 'em act different.
59654 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
59656 You're at the end of the road again.
59658 You're at Witt's End.
59660 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
59662 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
59664 You're definitely on their list.
59665 The question to ask next is what list it is.
59667 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
59668 -- Eldridge Cleaver
59670 You're growing out of some of your problems,
59671 but there are others that you're growing into.
59673 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
59674 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
59677 You're never too old to become younger.
59680 You're not Dave. Who are you?
59682 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59685 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
59687 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
59688 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
59690 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
59692 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
59694 You're working under a slight handicap.
59695 You happen to be human.
59697 Yours is not to reason why,
59699 And when you find you have to throw
59701 Remember life as was it is,
59703 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
59704 'Till silence is but a blur.
59707 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
59709 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
59710 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
59711 -- Robert F. Kennedy
59713 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
59715 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
59716 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
59718 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
59719 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
59721 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
59722 -- George Bernard Shaw
59724 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
59726 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
59727 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
59729 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
59732 You've been Berkeley'ed!
59734 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
59736 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
59737 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
59738 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
59740 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59743 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59745 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59747 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
\by_
\be_
\bs_
\bt_
\be_
\br_
\bd_
\ba_
\by* yet!
59750 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59751 (see also Computer).
59754 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59756 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59760 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59763 The result of shutting down a production line.
59765 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59766 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59768 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59771 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59773 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
59774 since I first called my brother's father dad.
59775 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59777 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59778 People are always available for work in the past tense.
59780 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
59781 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
59782 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
59783 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
59785 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
59786 if only you could get a good picture of it.
59788 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
59789 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
59791 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
59792 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
59793 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com