1 This fortune brought to you by:
5 =======================================================================
7 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
8 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
10 =======================================================================
11 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
13 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
14 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
15 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
16 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
17 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
18 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
19 Read the Warner paperback!
20 Invoke the Unix program!
21 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
22 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
26 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
28 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
29 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
30 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
31 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
32 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
33 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
34 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
35 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
40 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
41 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
58 you're splitting my ends.
62 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
63 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
66 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
67 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
68 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
69 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
70 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
71 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
72 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
73 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
75 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
76 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
77 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
81 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
82 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
83 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
84 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
85 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
86 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
87 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
89 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
91 -- Gifts for Children --
93 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
94 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
95 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
96 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
97 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
98 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
99 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
100 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
101 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
102 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
107 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
108 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
109 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
110 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
111 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
112 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
113 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
114 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
115 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
116 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
117 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
119 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
120 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
122 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
128 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
129 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
130 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
134 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
135 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
136 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
141 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
142 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
143 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
144 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
145 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
146 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
147 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
148 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
149 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
150 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
151 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
152 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
153 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
155 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
157 It's grad exam time...
159 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
160 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
161 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
162 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
163 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
166 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
167 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
168 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
171 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
173 It's grad exam time...
175 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
176 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
177 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
180 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
181 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
182 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
183 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
186 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
187 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
188 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
190 Pittsburgh driver's test
192 a) extremely dangerous.
194 c) the fault of the previous administration.
195 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
196 The correct answer is b.
197 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
198 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
199 you have nothing to worry about.
201 Pittsburgh driver's test
202 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
204 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
207 The correct answer is d.
208 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
210 Pittsburgh driver's test
211 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
212 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
213 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
215 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
216 The correct answer is d.
217 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
219 Answer c is worth a half point.
221 Pittsburgh driver's test
227 The correct answer is b.
228 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
229 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
230 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
232 Pittsburgh driver's test
233 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
234 How often should you test it?
239 The correct answer is d.
240 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
241 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
243 Pittsburgh driver's test
244 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
245 but a steady left tail light. This means
246 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
247 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
248 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
249 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
250 d) The driver is from out of town.
251 The correct answer is d.
252 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
254 Pittsburgh driver's test
259 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
260 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
261 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
264 Pittsburgh driver's test
265 9: Roads are salted in order to
270 The correct answer is c.
271 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
272 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
273 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
276 Has your family tried 'em?
280 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
282 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
283 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
287 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
288 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
289 stains that indicate freshness.
291 THE STORY OF CREATION
295 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
296 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
297 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
298 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
299 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
300 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
301 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
304 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
307 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
308 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
309 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
310 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
311 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
313 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
314 he met the traveling salesman.
315 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
316 in high-level language.
317 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
318 and Apples," commented Jack.
319 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
320 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
321 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
322 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
324 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
325 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
328 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
330 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
331 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
334 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
335 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
336 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
337 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
338 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
343 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
344 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
345 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
347 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
348 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
349 Know what to kiss -- and when.
350 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
352 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
353 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
354 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
355 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
357 You are a fluke of the universe ...
358 You have no right to be here.
359 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
360 Is laughing behind your back.
364 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
366 Double bucky, you're the one!
367 You make my keyboard lots of fun
368 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
370 Control and Meta side by side,
371 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
372 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
374 Double bucky, left and right
375 OR'd together, outta sight!
376 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
377 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
378 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
380 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
382 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
383 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
384 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
385 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
386 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
389 In the church of Aphrodite,
390 The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
391 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
392 And she's good enough for me!
395 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
396 Give me that old time religion,
397 Give me that old time religion,
398 'Cause it's good enough for me!
400 Hard Copies and Chmod
402 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
403 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
404 user-hostile software
406 of course they're only bits and bytes
407 and characters and strings
410 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
411 telling me he loves me and
412 he'll take care of me
414 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
415 deep intimate secrets and
416 how he doesn't trust me
418 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
419 on personal stationery
420 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
422 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
423 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
424 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
425 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
427 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
428 neither has street credibility.
429 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
430 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
432 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
434 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
435 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
436 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
437 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
438 up of western dualism?
439 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
442 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
443 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
444 All kludgy were the function flows
445 And subroutines adhoc.
447 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
448 squrooneg, the false goto
449 Beware the infiniteloop
450 And shun the inprectoo.
452 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
453 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
454 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
455 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
456 when you hit the ground.
457 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
458 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
459 to psychological problems.
460 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
461 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
462 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
463 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
464 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
465 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
466 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
467 staggering illegally.
468 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
469 sanitary due to limited circulation.
470 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
473 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
474 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
475 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
476 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
477 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
478 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
479 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
480 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
481 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
482 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
483 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
484 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
485 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
486 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
487 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
488 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
489 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
490 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
491 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
494 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
495 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
496 But if you split those atoms fine,
497 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
498 Gimme zits, take my dough,
499 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
500 Call the devil and sell my soul,
501 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
505 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
507 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
508 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
510 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
511 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
512 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
514 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
515 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
516 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
517 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
518 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
519 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
521 The Three Major Kind of Tools
523 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
524 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
525 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
526 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
528 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
530 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
531 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
532 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
533 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
536 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
537 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
538 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
539 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
540 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
541 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
542 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
543 And we've also found Just flip one switch
544 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
545 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
547 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
548 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
549 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
551 'Twas the Night before Crisis
553 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
554 Not a program was working not even a browse.
555 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
556 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
557 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
558 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
559 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
560 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
561 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
562 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
563 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
564 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
565 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
566 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
567 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
568 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
569 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
570 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
572 What I Did During My Fall Semester
573 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
574 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
575 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
577 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
578 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
579 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
581 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
582 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
583 I found a thesis topic:
584 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
585 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
586 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
588 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
590 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
591 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
592 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
593 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
594 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
595 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
596 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
597 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
598 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
599 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
600 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
601 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
602 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
603 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
604 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
605 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
611 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
615 The integral of z squared, dz
616 From 1 to the square root of 3
619 Is the log of the cube root of e
623 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
624 Plans to "Eat it later"
626 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
628 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
629 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
630 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
631 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
632 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
633 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
634 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
635 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
636 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
637 you should blame when you make a mistake.
639 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
640 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
641 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
643 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
645 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
648 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
649 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
650 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
651 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
652 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
653 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
654 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
655 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
656 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
657 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
658 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
659 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
660 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
661 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
662 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
664 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
665 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
666 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
667 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
668 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
670 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
671 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
672 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
673 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
675 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
676 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
677 try this simple test:
678 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
679 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
680 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
681 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
682 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
683 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
685 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
687 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
688 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
689 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
690 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
691 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
692 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
693 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
694 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
695 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
696 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
697 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
698 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
699 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
700 yourself in the morning.
703 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
705 System going down in 60 seconds
709 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
710 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
711 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
712 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
713 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
714 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
715 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
716 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
717 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
718 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
719 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
721 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
723 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
725 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
726 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
729 A dozen, a gross and a score,
730 Plus three times the square root of four,
732 Plus five times eleven,
733 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
735 7,140 pounds on the Sun
736 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
738 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
739 43 pounds on the Moon
740 648 pounds on Jupiter
742 303 pounds on Neptune
745 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
748 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
749 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
750 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
751 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
753 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
754 of carp-to-carp walleting."
756 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
757 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
758 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
759 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
760 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
761 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
762 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
763 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
764 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
765 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
767 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
768 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
769 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
770 have what I think is a pretty good act."
771 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
772 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
773 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
774 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
775 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
776 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
777 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
778 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
779 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
780 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
783 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
786 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
787 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
788 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
789 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
790 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
792 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
793 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
794 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
795 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
796 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
797 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
798 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
799 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
800 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
801 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
803 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
804 house of seven gobbles.
806 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
807 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
808 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
809 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
810 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
811 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
812 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
813 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
814 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
815 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
817 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
818 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
819 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
820 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
821 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
822 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
824 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
825 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
826 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
827 sadly, "runneth over."
829 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
830 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
831 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
832 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
833 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
834 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
836 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
837 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
838 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
839 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
840 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
841 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
842 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
843 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
844 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
845 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
846 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
847 only blurt out, "What happened?"
848 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
849 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
850 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
851 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
852 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
853 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
855 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
856 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
857 brother and inquires after his pet.
858 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
859 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
860 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
861 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
862 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
863 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
864 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
865 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
867 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
870 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
871 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
872 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
873 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
874 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
875 dog's stuck in its throat."
877 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
878 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
879 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
881 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
882 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
884 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
885 The housewife replied, "Four!".
886 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
887 through my spread sheet one more time."
888 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
889 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
891 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
892 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
893 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
895 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
896 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
897 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
898 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
899 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
900 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
902 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
903 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
904 The bartender ignores him.
905 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
907 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
908 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
909 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
910 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
911 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
912 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
913 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
915 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
916 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
917 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
918 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
919 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
920 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
921 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
922 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
923 told, "that one is 150,000."
924 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
925 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
926 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
927 -- being told in Poland, 1987
929 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
930 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
931 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
932 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
933 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
935 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
937 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
938 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
939 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
940 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
941 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
942 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
943 little more ... that's it."
944 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
945 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
946 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
947 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
948 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
949 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
950 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
951 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
953 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
954 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
955 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
956 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
957 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
958 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
959 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
960 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
962 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
963 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
964 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
965 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
966 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
967 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
968 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
969 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
971 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
972 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
973 was making a bolt for the door.
975 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
976 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
977 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
978 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
979 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
980 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
981 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
982 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
983 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
985 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
986 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
987 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
988 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
991 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
992 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
994 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
996 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
997 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
999 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1000 how long will it take?"
1001 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1002 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1003 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1004 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1005 The programmer agreed to this.
1006 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1007 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1008 He had been programming all night.
1009 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1011 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1012 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1013 manager retained his job.
1014 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1015 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1016 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1017 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1018 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1019 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1020 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1021 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1022 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1023 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1025 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1026 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1027 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1028 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1029 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1030 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1031 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1032 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1033 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1034 completed," he said.
1035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1037 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1038 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1039 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1040 resigned on the spot.
1041 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1042 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1043 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1044 hours of the morning.
1045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1047 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1048 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1049 he said, "may I examine it?"
1050 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1051 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1052 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1053 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1055 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1056 mysterious setting?"
1057 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1058 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1061 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
1062 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
1064 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1065 "It is," came the reply.
1066 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1067 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1068 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1069 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1070 over for today," he said.
1071 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1075 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1076 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1077 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1078 today's minute attention span.
1080 The Troubled Aardvark
1082 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1083 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1084 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1085 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1086 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1087 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1088 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1089 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1090 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1091 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1092 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1094 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1097 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1098 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1100 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1101 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1102 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1103 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1104 "If what?" asked the composer.
1105 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1107 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1108 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1109 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1110 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1111 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1112 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1113 power-down sequence.
1114 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1115 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1116 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1119 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1120 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1121 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1122 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1123 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1124 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1125 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1126 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1127 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1128 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1129 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1131 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1132 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1133 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1134 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1135 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1136 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1137 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1138 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1139 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1140 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1142 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1143 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1145 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1146 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1147 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1149 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1150 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1151 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1152 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1153 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1154 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1156 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1157 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1158 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1159 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1160 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1161 unnatural entity exist?"
1162 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1163 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1164 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1165 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1166 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1168 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1170 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1171 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1172 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1173 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1174 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1175 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1178 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1179 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1180 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1181 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1184 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1185 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1186 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1187 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1188 party. He walked out into the night.
1189 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1190 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1192 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1193 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1194 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1196 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1197 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1198 has killed them all.
1199 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1200 went out to be killed?
1201 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1202 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1204 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1205 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1206 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1207 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1208 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1210 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1211 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1212 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1213 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1215 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1216 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1217 way that astonishes him least.
1218 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1219 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1221 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1222 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1224 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1226 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1227 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1228 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1229 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1230 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1231 made rude noises during my presentation."
1232 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1233 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1234 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1235 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1236 with social conventions?"
1237 "They are alive within the Tao."
1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1240 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1241 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1242 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1243 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1244 which contained twelve more loons.
1245 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1246 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1247 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1248 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1250 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1251 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1252 his wellness potential."
1254 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1255 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1257 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1258 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1260 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1261 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1263 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1264 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1265 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1266 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1267 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1268 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1269 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1270 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1272 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1274 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1275 "This is a parson to parson call."
1276 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1277 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1278 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1279 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1280 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1281 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1282 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1283 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1284 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1287 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1288 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1289 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1291 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1292 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1293 really want to know.
1294 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1295 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1297 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1298 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1299 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1300 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1301 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1302 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1303 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1304 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1305 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1306 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1307 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1308 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1309 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1310 going to it is so large.
1311 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1312 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1313 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1314 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1315 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1316 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1317 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1319 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1320 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1321 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1322 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1323 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1324 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1325 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1326 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1327 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1329 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1331 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1332 to die, would you remarry?"
1333 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1334 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1335 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1336 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1337 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1338 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1339 I've always loved it here."
1340 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1343 "She's left handed."
1345 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1346 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1347 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1348 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1349 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1350 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1351 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1353 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1354 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1355 suck the poison from the wound."
1356 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1357 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1358 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1359 who my real friends are."
1361 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1362 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1363 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1364 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1365 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1366 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1367 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1368 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1369 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1370 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1373 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1374 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1375 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1376 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1377 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1379 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1380 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1381 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1383 "This is true," He replied.
1384 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1385 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1386 right to make his laws?"
1387 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1392 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1393 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1394 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1395 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1396 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1397 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1400 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1401 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1402 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1403 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1405 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1406 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1407 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1408 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1409 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1410 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1411 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1412 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1413 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1414 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1415 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1416 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1417 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1418 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1419 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1420 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1423 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1424 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1425 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1426 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1428 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1429 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1430 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1433 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1434 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1435 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1436 These are the things I learned:
1440 Put things back where you found them.
1441 Clean up your own mess.
1442 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1443 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1444 Wash your hands before you eat.
1446 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1447 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1448 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1449 Take a nap every afternoon.
1450 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1452 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1453 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1454 how or why, but we are all like that.
1455 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1456 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1457 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1458 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1459 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1460 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1462 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1463 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1464 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1465 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1466 and to clean up their own mess.
1467 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1468 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1469 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1470 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1472 All that you touch, And all you create,
1473 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1474 All that you taste, All that you do,
1475 All you feel, And all you say,
1476 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1477 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1478 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1479 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1480 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1481 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1482 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1483 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1485 But the sun is eclipsed
1488 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1489 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1491 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1492 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1493 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1494 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1496 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1497 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1498 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1499 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1500 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1501 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1502 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1503 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1504 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1505 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1506 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1507 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1509 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1510 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1512 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1513 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1514 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1515 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1516 is ready to build a second system.
1517 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1518 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1519 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1520 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1522 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1523 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1524 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1525 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1527 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1528 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1529 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1530 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1531 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1532 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1534 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1535 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1536 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1537 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1538 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1539 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1541 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1542 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1543 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1544 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1547 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1548 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1549 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1550 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1551 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1552 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1553 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1554 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1555 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1556 this head and pulls the trigger.
1557 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1559 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1560 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1562 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1563 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1564 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1565 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1566 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1567 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1568 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1569 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1570 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1571 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1572 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1573 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1574 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1575 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1577 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1578 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1579 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1580 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1581 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1582 hour seems like a minute."
1583 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1584 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1585 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1587 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1588 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1589 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1590 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1591 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1592 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1593 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1595 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1596 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1597 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1598 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1599 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1600 (skip a bit brother...)
1601 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1602 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1603 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1604 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1605 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1606 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1607 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1609 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1611 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1612 asked the father of his little son.
1615 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1616 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1618 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1619 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1620 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1623 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1624 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
1625 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1626 "That was the curious incident."
1627 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1629 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1630 preaching to a group of disciples.
1631 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1632 the absolute reality of --"
1633 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1634 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1636 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1637 with the spirit of the morning.
1638 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1640 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1641 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1643 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1644 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1645 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1646 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1647 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1648 Governor, and he vaporized.
1649 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1650 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1652 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1653 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1654 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1655 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1656 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1657 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1659 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1661 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1662 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1663 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1665 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
1666 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
1670 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1671 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1673 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1674 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1675 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1676 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1677 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1678 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1679 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1680 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1681 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1682 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1684 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1685 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1686 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1687 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1688 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1689 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1690 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1691 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1692 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1693 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1694 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1695 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1696 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1697 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1698 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1699 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1701 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1702 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1703 still five feet between rails.
1704 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1705 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1706 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1707 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1708 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1709 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1710 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1711 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1712 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1714 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1716 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1717 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1718 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1719 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1720 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1721 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1722 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1723 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1724 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1725 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1726 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1727 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1728 it some other time, Carrie."
1730 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1732 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1733 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1734 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1737 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1738 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1739 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1743 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1744 A medley of extemporanea;
1745 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1746 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1749 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1750 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1752 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1755 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1757 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1758 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1759 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1760 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1761 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1762 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1763 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1764 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1765 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1766 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1767 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1768 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1769 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1770 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1771 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1772 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1773 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1774 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1775 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1777 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1779 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1780 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1781 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1782 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1783 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1784 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1786 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1787 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1788 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1789 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1790 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1792 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1794 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1795 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1796 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1797 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1798 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1799 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1800 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1801 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1802 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1803 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1805 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1806 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1808 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1810 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1811 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1813 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1814 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1815 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1816 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1818 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1819 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1820 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1821 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1822 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1824 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1825 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1827 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1829 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1830 Or is Vaseline better?
1832 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1833 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1834 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1835 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1836 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1837 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1838 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1839 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1840 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1841 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1842 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1844 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1845 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1846 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1847 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1848 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1849 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1850 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1851 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1852 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1853 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1854 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1855 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1856 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1857 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1858 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1859 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1860 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1861 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1862 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1864 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1865 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1866 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1867 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1868 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1869 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1870 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1871 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1872 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1874 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1875 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1876 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1877 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1878 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1879 shot at mine, over there."
1881 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1882 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1883 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1884 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1885 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1886 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1887 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1888 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1889 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1890 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1891 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1892 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1893 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1895 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1896 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1897 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1898 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1901 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1902 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1903 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1904 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1905 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1906 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1907 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1908 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1909 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1910 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1911 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1912 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1914 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1915 that she didn't recognize me.
1916 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1917 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1918 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1919 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1921 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1922 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1923 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1924 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1925 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1926 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1927 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1929 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1930 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1931 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1932 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1933 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1934 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1935 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1936 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1937 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1938 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1939 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1940 energy policy and neither do you."
1941 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1943 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1944 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1945 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1947 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1948 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1949 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1950 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1951 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1952 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1953 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1954 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1955 the little hammers strike.
1956 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1957 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1958 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1960 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1961 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1962 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1966 Say my love is easy had,
1967 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1968 Say I am too often sad --
1969 Still behold me at your side.
1971 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1972 Say I woo and coddle care,
1973 Say the devil touched my tongue --
1974 Still you have my heart to wear.
1976 But say my verses do not scan,
1977 And I get me another man!
1980 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1981 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1987 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1988 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1990 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1991 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1993 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1995 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1996 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1997 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1998 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1999 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2000 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2001 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2002 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2003 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2004 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2005 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2006 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2007 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2008 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2010 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
2012 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2013 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2014 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
2015 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
2016 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
2017 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
2018 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
2019 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
2020 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
2021 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
2022 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
2023 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
2024 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
2025 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
2027 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2028 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2029 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2031 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2032 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2034 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
2035 extracurricular activity except you."
2036 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2037 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2041 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2042 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2043 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2044 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2045 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2046 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2048 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2049 differences once and for all.
2050 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2051 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2053 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2054 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2055 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2056 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2057 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2058 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2059 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2060 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2061 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2062 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2063 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2065 Thank you and good luck.
2066 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2068 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2070 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2071 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2072 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2073 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2074 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2075 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2078 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2079 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2080 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2081 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2082 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2083 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2084 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2085 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2086 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2087 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2088 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2089 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2090 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2091 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2092 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2093 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2094 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2095 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2096 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2097 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2098 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2099 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2101 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2103 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2104 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2105 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2106 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2107 had actually implicationed.
2108 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2109 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2110 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2113 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2114 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2115 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2116 to conquer the world.
2117 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2118 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2119 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2120 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2121 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2122 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2123 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2125 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2126 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2127 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2128 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2129 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2130 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2131 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2132 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2133 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2134 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2135 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2137 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2138 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2140 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2141 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2142 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2143 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2144 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2145 the gun on himself!"
2146 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2147 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
2149 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2152 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2153 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2154 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2155 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2156 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2157 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2158 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2159 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2161 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2162 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2164 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2165 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2166 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2168 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2170 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2171 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2172 without darkening me.
2173 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas.
2175 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2176 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2178 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2179 "How would that help?"
2182 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2183 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2184 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2185 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2186 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2187 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2188 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2189 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2191 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2192 to a dead cat, do you?"
2195 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
2196 with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
2197 Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
2198 define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
2199 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
2200 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
2201 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
2202 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
2203 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
2204 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
2205 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
2206 it because the court was going to take a nap.
2207 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2209 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2210 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2211 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2212 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2213 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2214 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2215 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2216 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2217 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2218 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2219 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2220 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2221 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2222 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2223 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2224 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2226 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2227 of her blonde companion.
2228 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2229 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2232 "How many people work here?"
2235 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2236 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2237 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2238 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2240 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2241 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2242 full of money before."
2244 "How'd you get that flat?"
2245 "Ran over a bottle."
2246 "Didn't you see it?"
2247 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2251 I will not play at tug o' war.
2252 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2255 Where everyone giggles
2256 And rolls on the rug,
2257 Where everyone kisses,
2259 And everyone cuddles,
2263 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2264 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2265 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2266 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2267 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2268 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2269 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2270 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2271 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2272 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2273 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2275 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2276 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2277 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2278 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2280 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2282 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2283 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2284 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2287 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2288 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2289 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2290 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2291 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2292 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2293 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2294 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2295 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2297 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2299 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2300 (There's a hole *where*?)
2302 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2303 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2304 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2306 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2307 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2308 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2310 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2312 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2315 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2316 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2318 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2320 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2321 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2322 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2323 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2324 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2328 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2329 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2330 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2331 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2332 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2333 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2334 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2335 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2336 have to get back to you.
2340 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2341 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2342 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2344 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2346 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2347 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2349 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2350 so many different things."
2351 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2355 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2356 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2357 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2358 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2359 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2360 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2361 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2362 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2363 understand his long delay.
2365 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2366 I think very probably he might be cured."
2367 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2368 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2369 The elders murmured assent.
2370 "Now, what affects it?"
2371 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2372 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2373 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2374 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2375 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2376 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2377 irritation and distraction."
2378 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2379 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2380 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2381 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2382 "And then he will be sane?"
2383 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2384 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2385 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2387 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2388 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2389 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2390 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2391 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2393 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2394 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2395 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2396 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2397 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2398 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2399 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2400 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2401 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2402 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2403 happened to be in the right.
2404 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2406 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2408 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2410 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2411 back; I would be nice."
2412 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2414 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2416 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2417 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2418 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2419 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2420 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2422 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2423 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2424 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2425 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2427 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2428 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2429 these complaints represent?"
2430 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2431 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2433 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2435 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2436 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2437 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2438 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2439 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2440 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2441 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2442 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2443 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2444 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2445 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2446 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2447 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2448 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2450 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2451 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2452 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2453 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2454 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2456 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2458 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2459 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2460 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2461 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2462 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2464 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2465 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2466 that is also a psychological interaction.
2467 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2469 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2470 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2472 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2473 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2474 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2475 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2476 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2478 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2480 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2481 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2483 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2485 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2486 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2487 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2488 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2491 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2492 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2493 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2494 repeat the sequence.
2495 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2496 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2497 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2499 -- William S. Burroughs
2501 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2502 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2503 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2504 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2505 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2506 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2507 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2508 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2509 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2510 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2511 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2512 difficult can it be?"
2513 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2514 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2515 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2516 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2517 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2519 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2520 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2521 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2522 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2523 them, or something?"
2524 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2525 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2526 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2527 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2528 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2529 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2530 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2531 would destroy the whole point of it."
2532 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2534 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2535 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2537 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2539 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2540 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2541 library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2542 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2543 was by the time I find it.
2544 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2545 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2546 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2547 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2551 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2552 Junior, what are you up to?"
2553 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2555 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2556 will publish such rubbish!"
2557 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2558 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2559 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2560 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2561 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2563 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2564 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2565 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2566 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2567 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2568 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2569 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2571 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2572 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2574 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2575 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2576 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2577 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2578 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2579 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2580 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2581 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2582 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2584 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2585 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2586 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2587 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2588 been an efficiency expert?
2589 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2591 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2594 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2595 can see what we have done."
2596 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2597 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2598 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2599 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2600 "Certainly," said man.
2601 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2603 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2605 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2606 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2607 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2608 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2609 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2610 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2611 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2612 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2614 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2615 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2616 large numbers and prospered.
2617 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2618 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2619 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2620 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2621 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2622 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2623 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2624 they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
2625 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2626 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2627 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2628 -- The Story of Babel
2630 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2631 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2633 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2634 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2635 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2636 How could it be otherwise?
2637 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2639 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2640 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2641 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2642 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2643 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2644 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2645 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2646 you close your eyes?"
2647 "So that the room will be empty."
2648 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2650 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2651 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2652 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2653 This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
2654 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2655 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2656 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2657 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2658 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2659 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2660 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2662 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2663 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2665 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2666 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2667 You can ask them anything you want to.
2668 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2670 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2671 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2673 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2674 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2676 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
2677 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2683 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2684 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2685 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2686 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2687 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2688 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2691 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2692 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2693 life-style otherwise."
2694 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2696 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2697 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2698 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2699 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2700 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2701 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2702 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2703 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2704 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2705 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2706 than a citizen bless their country?"
2708 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2709 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2710 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2711 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2712 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2713 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2714 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2715 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2716 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2717 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2718 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2720 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2723 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2724 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2726 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2727 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2729 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2730 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2732 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2733 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2735 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2736 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2737 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2738 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2739 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2740 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2741 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2742 freedom and games to the network...
2745 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2746 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2747 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2748 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2749 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2750 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2751 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2752 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2754 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2755 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2756 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2758 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2759 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2760 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2761 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2762 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2763 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2764 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2765 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2766 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2767 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2768 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2769 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2770 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2771 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2772 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2773 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2775 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2776 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2777 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2778 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2779 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2780 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2781 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2782 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2783 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2785 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2786 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2787 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2788 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2789 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2790 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2791 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2793 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2794 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2795 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2796 need to find out where we are."
2797 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2798 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2799 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2801 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2802 fifty feet in the air!"
2803 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2804 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2805 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2808 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2809 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2810 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2812 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2813 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2814 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2815 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2816 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2817 really needed in the first place.
2818 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2819 analogous to the above.
2820 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2822 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2823 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2824 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2825 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2826 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2827 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2828 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2830 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2832 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2833 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2834 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2835 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2836 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2837 it always me, teacher?"
2838 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2841 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2843 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2844 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2845 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2846 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2847 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2848 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2849 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2850 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2851 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2852 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2856 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2857 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2858 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2859 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2860 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2861 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2862 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2863 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2864 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2865 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2866 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2867 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2868 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2869 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2870 now. They're in a band.
2873 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2874 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2875 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2876 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2877 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2878 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2879 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2880 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2881 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2882 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2883 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2884 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2886 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2887 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2888 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2889 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2890 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2892 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2893 he met the traveling salesman.
2894 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2895 in high-level language.
2896 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2897 and Apples," commented Jack.
2898 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2899 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2900 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2901 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2903 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2904 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2906 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2908 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2909 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2910 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2911 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2912 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2913 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2914 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2915 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2916 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2917 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2918 smacked his lips with relish.
2919 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2920 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2925 My love is like an iron wand
2926 That conks me on the head,
2927 My love is like the valium
2928 That I take before my bed,
2929 My love is like the pint of scotch
2930 That I drink when I be dry;
2931 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2932 Until my wife is wise.
2934 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2935 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2937 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2938 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2939 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2942 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2943 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2944 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2945 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2946 All I have in the world is this gun."
2948 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2949 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2950 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2951 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2952 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2953 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2954 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2955 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2957 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2958 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2959 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2960 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2961 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2962 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2963 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2964 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2965 movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2966 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2967 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2968 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2969 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2970 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2971 possible, and turns to Murray.
2972 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2973 spits in the sergeants face.
2974 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2975 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2977 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
2978 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2979 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2980 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2981 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2982 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2983 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2984 and Knights of Pithiests.
2985 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2986 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2987 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2988 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2989 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2990 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2991 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2992 imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2993 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2994 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2995 So we're going back in a few years...
2998 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2999 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3000 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3001 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3002 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3003 the alter of human limitations.
3004 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3005 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3006 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3007 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3008 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3009 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3010 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3011 earth really does revolve about the sun.
3012 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3014 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3015 a girl should not do before twenty."
3016 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3019 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3020 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3021 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3022 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3023 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3024 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3025 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3027 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3028 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3029 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3030 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3031 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3032 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3033 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3034 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3036 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3037 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3038 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3039 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3040 true value of the company.
3041 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3042 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3043 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3044 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3045 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3046 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3049 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3050 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3051 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3052 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3053 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3054 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3056 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3057 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3059 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3060 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3061 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3062 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3063 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3064 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3065 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3066 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3067 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3068 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3069 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3070 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3071 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3072 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3073 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3075 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3076 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3077 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3078 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3079 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3080 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3081 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3082 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3083 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3084 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3085 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3086 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3087 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3088 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3089 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3091 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3093 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3094 to be avoided than harped upon.
3095 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3096 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3097 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3098 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3099 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3101 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3102 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3103 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3104 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3106 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3109 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3110 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3111 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3112 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3113 no attention to the signal.
3114 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3115 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3116 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3117 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3118 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3120 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3121 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3122 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3123 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3124 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3125 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3126 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3127 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3128 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3130 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3131 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3132 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3133 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3134 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3135 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3136 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3137 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3138 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3139 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3140 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3141 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3142 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3143 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3146 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3147 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3148 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3149 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3150 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3152 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3153 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3154 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3156 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3157 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3159 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3160 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3161 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3162 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3163 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3164 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3165 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3166 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3167 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3168 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3169 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3170 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3171 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3172 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3173 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3174 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3175 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3176 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3178 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3179 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3180 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3181 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3182 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3183 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3184 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3185 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3186 she looked like the side of a barn.
3187 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3188 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3189 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3190 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3191 to decide quickly. I decided.
3192 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3193 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
3194 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3195 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3196 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3197 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3198 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3199 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3201 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3202 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3203 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3204 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3205 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3206 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3207 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3208 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3209 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3210 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3211 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3212 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3213 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3214 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3215 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3216 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3217 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3218 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3221 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3222 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3223 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3224 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3225 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3226 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3227 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3228 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3229 die quicker than boredom!"
3230 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3231 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3232 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3233 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3234 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3235 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3236 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3237 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3238 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3239 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3240 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3243 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3244 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3245 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3246 dolphins live forever!
3247 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3248 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3249 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3250 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3251 steal one of these birds.
3252 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3253 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3254 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3255 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3256 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3257 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3258 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3259 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3260 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3262 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3263 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3264 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3265 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3266 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3267 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3268 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3269 help you break such a spell."
3270 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3271 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3272 the night under her pillow."
3273 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3274 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3275 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3276 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3277 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3279 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3280 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3281 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3282 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3283 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3284 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3285 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3286 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3287 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3288 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3289 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3290 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3291 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3292 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3293 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3294 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3295 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3296 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3297 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3298 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3299 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3301 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3302 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3303 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3304 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3305 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3306 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3307 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3308 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3309 perception of the elephant.
3310 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3311 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3312 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3313 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3314 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3316 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3317 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3318 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3319 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3320 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3321 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3322 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3323 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3324 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3325 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3326 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3327 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3328 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3330 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3331 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3332 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3333 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3334 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3335 available to anyone.
3336 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3338 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3339 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3341 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3342 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3345 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3346 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3347 went to speak with him.
3348 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3350 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3351 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3352 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3354 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3355 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3356 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3357 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3358 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3359 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3361 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3363 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3364 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3365 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3366 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3368 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3369 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3370 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3371 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3372 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3373 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3374 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3375 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3376 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3377 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3378 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3379 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3380 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3381 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3382 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3383 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3384 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3385 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3386 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3389 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3390 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3391 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3392 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3393 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3394 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3396 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3397 Back came the reply...
3398 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3399 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3400 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3401 Back came the reply...
3402 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3403 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3405 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3406 is our support for UNIX?
3407 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3408 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3409 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3410 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3411 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3412 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3413 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3414 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3415 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3416 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3417 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3418 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3419 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3420 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3421 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3422 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3423 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3427 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3428 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3429 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3430 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3431 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3434 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3435 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3436 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3437 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3438 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3439 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3440 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3443 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3445 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3446 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3447 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3448 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3449 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3451 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3452 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3453 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3454 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3455 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3456 never reveal our sauce."
3457 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3458 kept favoring curry.
3459 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3460 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3462 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3463 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3465 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3466 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3467 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3468 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3469 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3470 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3471 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3472 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3473 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3474 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3475 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3476 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3478 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3479 sounding a bit worried.
3480 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3481 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3482 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3484 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3485 Cobb said, hopping out.
3486 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3488 Phases of a Project:
3492 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3493 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3494 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3496 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3497 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3498 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3499 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3500 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3501 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3502 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3503 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3504 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3505 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3507 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3508 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3509 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3510 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3511 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3513 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3514 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3515 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3516 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3517 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3519 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3521 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3522 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3523 ran like a gentle wind.
3524 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3525 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3526 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3527 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3528 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3529 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3530 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3531 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3532 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3533 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3534 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3535 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3536 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3537 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3539 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3546 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3547 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3548 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3549 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3550 starfield surrounding the ship.
3551 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3552 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3553 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3554 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3555 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3556 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3557 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3559 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3560 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3561 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3562 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3563 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3564 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3565 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3566 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3567 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3568 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3569 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3570 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3571 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3572 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3574 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3575 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3576 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3577 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3578 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3579 if they don't live our way."
3581 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3582 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3583 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3584 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3585 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3586 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3587 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3588 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3589 "When you look at it that way..."
3590 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3591 Whatever. We want. To do."
3592 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3594 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3595 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3596 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3597 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3598 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3599 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3600 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3601 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3602 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3604 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3606 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3607 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3608 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3610 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3611 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3612 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3613 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3614 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3615 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3616 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3617 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3625 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3626 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3627 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3628 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3629 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3630 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3631 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3632 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3633 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3634 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3636 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3637 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3638 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3639 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3641 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3642 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3643 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3644 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3645 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3646 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3648 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3649 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3650 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3651 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3652 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3653 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3654 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3655 nice gesture you made today, George.
3656 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3657 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3658 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3659 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3662 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3663 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3664 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3665 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3666 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3667 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3668 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3669 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3670 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3671 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3673 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3674 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3675 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3676 the odd integers are prime."
3677 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3678 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3679 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3680 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3681 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3682 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3683 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3684 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3685 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3687 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3688 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3689 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3690 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3691 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3693 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3694 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3695 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3697 "What's he wanted for?"
3700 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3701 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3702 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3703 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3704 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3705 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3706 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3707 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3708 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3711 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3712 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3713 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3714 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3715 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3716 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3717 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3718 right straight toward us.
3719 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3720 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3721 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3722 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3723 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3724 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3725 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3726 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3727 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3728 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3729 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3731 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3732 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3733 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3734 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3735 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3736 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3737 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3738 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3739 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3740 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3741 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3742 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3743 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3744 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3745 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3746 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3747 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3748 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3749 This is the Minneapple.
3751 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3752 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3753 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3755 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3756 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3757 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3758 harmony in the world.
3759 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3761 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3763 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3764 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3765 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3766 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3767 farmers in America."
3768 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3770 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3771 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3772 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3773 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3774 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3775 Machineries of Joy?"
3776 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3777 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3779 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3781 Bottle 750 milliliters
3782 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3784 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3785 Methuselah 8 bottles
3786 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3787 Balthazar 16 bottles
3788 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3789 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3791 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3792 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3793 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3794 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3796 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3797 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3799 "What is your name?"
3800 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3801 "What is your quest?"
3802 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3803 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3804 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3805 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3807 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3808 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3809 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3810 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3811 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3812 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3813 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3814 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3815 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3816 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3817 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3818 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3819 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3820 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3821 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3822 broke and rolled back.
3823 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3825 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3826 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3827 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3828 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3829 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3830 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3831 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3833 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3835 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3836 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3837 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3838 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3839 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3841 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3843 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3844 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3845 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3847 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3848 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3849 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3850 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3851 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3852 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3853 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3854 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3855 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3856 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3857 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3859 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3860 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3861 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3862 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3863 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3864 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3865 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3866 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3867 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3868 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3869 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3870 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3871 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3872 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3873 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3874 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3875 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3877 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3878 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3879 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3880 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3881 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3882 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3883 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3884 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3885 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3886 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3888 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3889 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3890 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3891 got a sense of humor?"
3892 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3894 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3895 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3896 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3897 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3898 but not much good in a fight."
3900 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3901 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3902 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3903 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3904 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3905 sees nothing but goyim..."
3906 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3907 you got problems. What about my son?"
3909 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3910 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3911 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3913 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3916 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3918 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3919 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3921 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3922 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3923 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3924 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3925 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3927 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3928 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3930 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3932 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3934 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3935 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3937 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3938 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3939 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3940 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3941 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3943 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3944 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3946 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3948 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3950 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3951 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3953 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3954 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3955 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3956 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3957 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3958 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3959 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3961 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3962 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3964 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3965 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3967 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3968 innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
3969 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3970 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3971 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3972 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3974 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3975 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3976 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3977 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3978 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3979 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3980 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3981 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3982 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3984 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3985 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3986 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3987 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3989 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3991 On the good ship Enterprise
3992 Every week there's a new surprise
3993 Where the Romulans lurk
3994 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3996 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3997 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3999 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4001 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4002 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4003 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4004 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4006 It's the good ship Enterprise
4007 Heading out where danger lies
4008 And you live in dread
4009 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4010 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4012 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4013 the subject of towels.
4014 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4015 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4016 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4017 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4018 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4019 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4020 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4021 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4023 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4025 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4026 the subject of towels.
4027 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4028 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4029 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4030 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4031 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4032 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4033 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4034 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4036 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4037 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4038 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4039 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4040 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4041 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4042 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4043 "That's two," he said.
4044 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4045 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4046 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4047 shot the horse between the eyes.
4048 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4049 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4050 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4052 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4054 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4055 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4056 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4057 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4058 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4061 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4062 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4063 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4066 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4067 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4068 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4070 Here is a sample program:
4071 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4072 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4073 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4074 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4076 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4078 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4080 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4084 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4086 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4088 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4090 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4091 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4092 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4094 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4095 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4096 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4099 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4100 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4101 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4103 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4104 you find the time to try it again?"
4106 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4107 a position of negative need.
4108 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4109 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4111 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4112 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4113 prestige of His identity.
4114 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4115 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4116 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4117 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4118 into a pleasurific mood state.
4119 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4120 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4121 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4122 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4123 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4124 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4125 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4126 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4129 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4130 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4131 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4132 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4133 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4134 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4135 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4137 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4139 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4140 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4142 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4143 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4145 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4146 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4147 you know where it might be?"
4148 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4149 in the data center."
4150 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4152 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4153 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4155 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4156 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4157 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4159 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4160 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4161 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4164 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4165 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4167 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4168 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4170 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4171 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4172 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4173 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4175 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4176 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4177 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4179 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4180 logically experienced citizens."
4182 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4183 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4184 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4186 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4187 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4189 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4190 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4192 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4193 Alice corrected herself.
4194 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4195 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4196 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4197 time completely bewildered.
4198 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4199 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4200 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4202 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4203 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4204 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4205 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4206 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4207 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4209 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4210 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4211 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4212 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4213 apparatus for a spectator sport.
4215 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4216 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4217 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4219 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4220 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4221 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4222 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4223 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4224 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4226 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4228 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4229 problems in order to get results
4230 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4231 toy problems in order to get results.
4233 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4234 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4235 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4236 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4237 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4238 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4239 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4240 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4242 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4243 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4244 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4245 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4246 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4247 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4248 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4249 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4250 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4251 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4252 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4253 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4254 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4255 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4256 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4258 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4260 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4262 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4263 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4265 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4266 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4268 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4269 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4271 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4272 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4273 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4274 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4275 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4276 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4277 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4279 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4280 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4281 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4282 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4284 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4286 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4287 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4288 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4290 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4291 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4293 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4297 The wombat lives across the seas,
4298 Among the far Antipodes.
4299 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4300 Or then again, on missionaries;
4301 His distant habitat precludes
4302 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4303 But I would not engage the wombat
4304 In any form of mortal combat.
4306 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4307 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4308 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4309 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4310 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4311 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4312 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4313 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4314 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4315 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4316 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4317 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4318 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4319 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4320 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4325 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
4326 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
4328 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
4329 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
4331 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
4332 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
4334 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
4335 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
4337 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
4338 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
4341 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4342 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4343 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4344 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4345 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4346 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4347 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4348 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4349 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4350 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4351 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4352 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4353 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4355 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4356 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4357 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4359 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4360 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4361 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4362 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4363 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4367 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4368 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4369 hard, to keep from falling.
4370 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4371 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4373 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4374 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4375 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4376 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4379 Into love and out again,
4380 Thus I went and thus I go.
4381 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4382 Well and bitterly I know
4383 All the songs were ever sung,
4384 All the words were ever said;
4385 Could it be, when I was young,
4386 Someone dropped me on my head?
4389 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4390 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4391 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4392 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4393 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4395 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4396 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___
\b\b\byou
4397 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4398 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4399 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4400 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4401 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4402 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4404 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4405 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4406 that people cannot think.
4407 -- Richard W. Hamming
4409 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4410 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4411 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4412 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4413 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4414 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4415 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4416 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4417 but nothing was to be found.
4418 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4419 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4420 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4421 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4422 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4423 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4424 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4425 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4427 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4428 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4429 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4430 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4431 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4432 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4433 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4435 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4436 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4437 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4438 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4439 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4441 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4442 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4443 a man who answered one door.
4444 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4446 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4447 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4448 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4449 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4451 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4452 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4453 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4454 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4455 they're carrying upstairs!"
4457 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4458 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4459 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4461 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4462 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4463 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4465 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4466 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4467 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4468 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4469 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4470 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4471 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4472 Proof: assume the opposite...
4474 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4475 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4476 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4477 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4478 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4479 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4481 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4482 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4483 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4484 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4485 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4486 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4487 is easier to design."
4488 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4489 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4490 The programmer made no reply.
4491 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4493 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4494 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4495 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4496 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4497 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4498 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4499 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4500 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4501 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4502 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4503 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4504 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4505 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4506 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4508 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4509 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4510 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4511 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4512 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4513 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4514 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4515 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4516 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4517 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4518 things was itself the doing of them.
4519 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4520 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4521 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4522 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4523 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4524 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4525 spread only for demons or for gods."
4526 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4528 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4529 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4530 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4531 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4532 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4533 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4534 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4535 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4536 country. We're completely computerized.
4537 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4538 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4539 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4540 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4541 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4542 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4543 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4544 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4545 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4546 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4547 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4548 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4549 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4551 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4552 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4553 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4554 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4555 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4556 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4557 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4558 making anything out of all the hard work.
4559 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4560 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4561 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4562 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4563 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4565 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4566 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4568 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4569 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4570 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4571 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4572 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4573 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4574 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4575 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4576 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4577 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4578 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4579 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4580 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4581 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4582 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4584 To A Quick Young Fox
4585 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4586 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4587 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4588 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4591 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4592 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4593 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4594 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4595 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4596 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4597 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4598 pint of ice cream nearby.
4599 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4601 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4603 The other saw stars.
4605 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4606 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4609 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4610 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4611 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4612 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4613 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4614 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4615 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4616 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4617 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4618 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4619 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4620 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4621 was Carmen or Cohen.
4622 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4623 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4624 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4626 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4627 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4628 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4629 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4630 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4631 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4632 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4633 soggy potato chips."
4634 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4635 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4636 "but I thought it made good copy."
4637 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4639 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4640 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4643 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4644 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4645 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4647 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4648 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4649 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4651 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4653 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4655 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4657 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4658 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4659 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4660 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4661 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4662 by law, up to and including nothing.
4663 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4664 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4665 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4666 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4667 attack shark at which point we relented.
4668 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4670 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4671 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4672 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4673 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4675 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4676 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4677 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4678 -- William Burroughs
4680 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4682 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4683 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4684 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4685 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4686 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4687 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4688 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4689 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4690 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4691 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4692 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4693 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4695 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4696 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4697 psycho-prompter couch?"
4699 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4700 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4701 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4703 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4704 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4705 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4706 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4707 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4708 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4710 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4711 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4712 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4714 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4718 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4719 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4720 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4721 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4722 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4723 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4724 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4725 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4726 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4727 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4728 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4729 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4730 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4731 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4732 Time passed, unheeded.
4733 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4734 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4737 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4738 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4739 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4740 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4742 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4743 let him lie there all night."
4744 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4745 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4746 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4747 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4748 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4749 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4750 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4751 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4752 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4753 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4754 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4755 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4756 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4758 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4759 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4760 maim or kill innocent little children."
4761 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4762 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4765 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4767 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4768 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4769 "It means the Thing to Do."
4770 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4772 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4773 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4774 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4775 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4776 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4777 is mightier than you."
4778 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4779 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4780 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4781 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4782 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4783 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4784 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4785 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4786 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4787 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4788 tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4789 don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4791 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4792 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4793 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4794 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4796 The New Yorker's comment:
4797 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4799 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4800 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4801 "No, we just don't like him."
4802 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4803 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4804 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4805 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4807 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4808 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4809 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4810 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4813 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4814 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4815 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4816 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4817 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4818 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4819 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4820 they're not selling."
4821 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4822 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4824 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4825 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4826 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4827 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4828 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4829 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4831 "What are you doing?"
4832 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4833 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4836 "What are you watching?"
4838 "Well, what's happening?"
4839 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4841 "Why are you watching it?"
4842 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4846 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4848 "You keep it to yourself."
4851 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4853 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4855 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4856 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4857 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4858 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4859 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4860 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4861 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4862 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4863 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4864 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4865 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4866 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4867 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4868 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4870 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4871 didn't believe in God".
4872 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4873 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4874 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4877 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4878 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4879 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4880 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4882 "What's that thing?"
4883 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4884 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4885 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4886 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4888 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4889 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4890 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4892 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4893 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4894 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4895 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4896 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4897 moved farther to the left."
4898 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4900 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4901 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4902 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4904 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4905 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4906 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4907 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4909 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4910 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4912 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4913 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4914 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4915 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4916 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4918 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4919 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4920 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4921 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4922 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4923 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4924 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4925 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4926 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4927 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4929 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4931 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4932 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4933 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4934 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4936 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4938 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4939 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4940 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4941 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4942 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4943 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4944 then. We're trying to catch her."
4945 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4946 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4947 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4949 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4950 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4951 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4954 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4955 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4956 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4958 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4959 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4960 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4961 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4962 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4963 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4964 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4965 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4966 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4967 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4968 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4969 why the sea is salt."
4970 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4971 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4973 Why are you doing this to me?
4974 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4976 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4978 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4979 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4980 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4981 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4984 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4985 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4986 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4987 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4988 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4989 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4990 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4991 "Okay. It's your wife."
4995 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4996 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5003 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5004 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5006 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
5007 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
5008 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
5009 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
5010 Chips, as well as after Chips?
5012 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5013 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5014 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5015 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5016 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5017 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5018 long, and two mouses wide."
5019 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5021 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5025 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5026 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5027 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5028 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5029 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5030 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5031 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5032 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5034 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5035 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5036 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5037 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5038 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5040 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5041 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5042 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5044 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5045 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
5046 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5048 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5049 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5050 fit to hear his view of things?"
5051 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5052 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5053 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5054 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5055 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5056 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5057 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5059 "You say there are two types of people?"
5060 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5062 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5063 Those who separate people into three groups.
5064 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5065 Those who can't decide."
5066 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5068 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5069 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5071 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5072 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5075 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5076 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5077 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5078 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5079 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5080 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5081 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5082 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5083 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5084 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5085 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5086 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5087 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5088 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5090 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5091 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5092 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5093 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5094 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5095 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5096 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5097 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5098 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5099 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5100 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5101 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5102 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5103 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5104 cats on the dinette table, etc.
5105 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5107 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5108 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5110 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5112 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5113 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5114 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5115 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5116 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5117 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5118 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5120 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5121 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5122 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5123 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5124 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5125 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5127 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5128 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5141 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5142 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5143 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5144 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5145 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5150 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5151 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5152 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5153 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5159 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5161 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5162 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5164 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5166 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5167 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5168 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5169 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5170 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5172 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5184 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5185 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5186 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5187 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5188 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5189 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5190 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5191 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5192 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5199 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5203 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5205 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5206 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5207 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5208 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5209 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5210 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5211 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5213 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5215 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5216 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5217 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5218 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5219 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5221 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5223 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5224 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5225 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5226 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5227 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5229 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5231 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5233 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5234 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5235 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5236 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5237 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5240 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5242 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5244 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5245 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5246 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5247 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5248 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5251 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5253 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5254 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5255 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5256 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5258 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5259 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5260 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5263 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5264 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5265 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5267 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5268 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5270 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5272 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5274 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5275 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5276 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5277 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5279 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5281 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5282 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5283 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5284 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5285 it cold boots the machine so often.
5287 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5289 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5290 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5291 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5292 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5293 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5295 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5300 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5301 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5302 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5303 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5304 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5306 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5308 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5310 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5311 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5312 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5313 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5314 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5315 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5316 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5317 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5318 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5319 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5321 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5323 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5324 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5325 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5326 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5327 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5328 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5329 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5330 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5331 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5332 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5333 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5335 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5337 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5338 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5342 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5344 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5346 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5349 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5351 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5353 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5355 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5357 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5358 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5359 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5360 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5361 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5363 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5365 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5366 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5367 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5368 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5369 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5370 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5371 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5372 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5375 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5377 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5378 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5379 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5380 second per second takes over.
5381 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5382 intervenes suddenly.
5383 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5384 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5385 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5386 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5388 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5389 conforming to its perimeter.
5390 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5391 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5392 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5393 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5394 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5395 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5397 " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5398 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5399 -- Winston Churchill
5401 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5402 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5403 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5405 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5406 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5409 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5410 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5411 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5414 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5415 have turned into a pile of dust.
5417 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5418 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5421 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5422 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5423 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5424 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5425 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5426 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5427 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5429 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5430 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5431 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5432 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5433 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5434 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5435 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5436 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5437 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5438 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5440 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5442 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5443 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5444 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5445 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5446 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5447 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5449 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5450 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5451 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5454 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5455 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5456 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5457 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5458 never when standing.
5460 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5461 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5462 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5463 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5464 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5465 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5466 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5467 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5468 astray by hunting and pecking.
5469 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5470 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5472 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5474 "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5476 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5479 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5480 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5481 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5482 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5483 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5484 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5485 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5486 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5487 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5488 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5489 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5490 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5492 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5493 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5494 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5495 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5496 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5497 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5498 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5499 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5500 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5501 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5503 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5504 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5505 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5506 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5507 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5508 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5509 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5510 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5511 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5513 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5516 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5517 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5518 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5519 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5520 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5521 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5522 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5523 other's private parts.
5524 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5526 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5527 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5531 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___
\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this
5532 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5535 ... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
5536 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5537 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5538 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5539 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5540 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5542 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5544 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5546 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5547 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5548 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5549 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5550 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5551 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5552 knows them in the naming.
5553 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5555 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5556 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5557 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5564 " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5565 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5569 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5570 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5571 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5572 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5575 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5576 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5577 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5578 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5580 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5583 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5585 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5586 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5587 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5588 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5589 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5590 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5591 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5592 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5593 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5594 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5595 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5596 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5597 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5599 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5600 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5601 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5602 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5604 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5606 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5607 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5608 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5611 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5612 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5613 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5615 : is not an identifier
5617 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5618 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5619 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5620 superficial design flaws.
5621 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5622 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5624 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5625 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5626 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5627 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5630 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5631 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5634 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5635 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5638 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5639 legally ... impeccable!
5641 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5642 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5643 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5644 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5645 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5646 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5647 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5648 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5649 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
5650 of a lucrative nature.
5651 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5652 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5654 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5656 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5657 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5658 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5659 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5660 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5661 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5662 optimal cachinnation.
5663 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5664 escallation of a lucrative nature.
5665 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5666 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5671 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5672 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5673 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5675 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5676 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5679 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5680 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5681 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5682 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5683 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5684 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5685 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5686 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5687 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5688 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5689 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5690 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5691 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5692 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5694 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5696 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5697 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5698 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5699 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5700 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5701 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5702 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5704 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5705 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5709 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5710 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5711 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5712 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5713 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5714 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5715 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5717 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5718 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5719 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5720 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5721 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5723 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5724 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5725 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5726 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5727 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5729 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5730 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5731 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5732 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5733 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5734 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5736 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5737 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5738 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5739 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5740 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5742 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5743 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5744 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5745 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5746 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5747 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5748 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5749 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5750 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5751 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5752 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5753 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5754 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5755 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5756 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5758 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5760 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5761 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5762 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5763 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5764 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5765 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5766 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5767 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5768 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5769 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5770 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5771 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5772 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5773 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5774 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5775 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5777 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5782 Norman, knock loudly,
5787 "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
5790 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
5792 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5793 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5794 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5797 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5798 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5799 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5800 materials, there is conflagration.
5801 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5802 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5803 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5804 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5805 optimal cachinnation.
5806 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5808 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5809 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5810 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5811 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5812 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5814 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5815 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5816 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5817 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5819 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5821 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5822 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5823 -- The Firesign Theater
5825 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5826 from beginning to end.
5827 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5830 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5832 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5834 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5835 entrances; others cannot.
5836 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5837 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5838 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5839 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5840 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5842 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5843 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5844 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5845 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5846 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5847 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5848 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5849 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5850 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5851 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5852 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5853 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5854 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5858 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5859 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5860 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5861 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5862 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5863 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5864 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5865 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5866 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5867 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5869 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5870 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5872 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5873 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5876 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5877 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5878 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5879 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5880 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5881 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5882 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5883 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5884 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5885 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5886 barely able to walk.
5887 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5888 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5889 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5890 "The good news first!"
5891 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5892 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5893 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5894 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5897 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5899 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5900 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5901 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5903 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5904 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5906 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5907 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5908 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5909 Wash the windows once a week.
5910 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5911 coal for the day's business.
5912 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5914 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5915 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5916 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5917 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5918 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5921 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5923 1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
5924 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5925 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5926 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5927 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5928 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5929 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5930 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5931 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5932 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5933 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5935 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5936 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5937 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5938 [4] Four is an even number.
5939 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5940 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5941 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5943 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5944 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5945 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5946 [4] Four is an even number.
5947 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5948 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5949 Therefore, all horses are black.
5951 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5952 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5953 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5954 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5955 the social ramble ain't restful.
5956 5. Avoid running at all times.
5957 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5958 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5960 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5961 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5963 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5964 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5965 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5966 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5967 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5968 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5969 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5970 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5971 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5972 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5973 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5974 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5975 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5976 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5977 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5978 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5979 to 1 meter per second
5980 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5981 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5982 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5983 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5984 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5985 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5986 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5987 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5988 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5992 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5993 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5994 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5995 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5997 1: No code table for op: ++post
6000 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
6001 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
6002 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
6003 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6004 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
6005 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6006 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6008 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
6009 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6010 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6011 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6012 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6013 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6014 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6015 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6016 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6017 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6019 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
6021 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6023 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6024 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6025 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6026 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6027 other beers on the side.
6028 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
6030 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6031 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6032 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6033 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6035 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6036 enormous can of vegetable juice.
6037 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6039 100 buckets of bits on the bus
6041 Take one down, short it to ground
6042 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6044 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6046 Take one down, short it to ground
6047 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
6051 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6052 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6053 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6055 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6056 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6057 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6059 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6061 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6062 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6066 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6069 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6073 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6079 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
6082 1/2 oz. orange juice
6085 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6086 Long Island Iced Tea
6090 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6092 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6093 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6094 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6095 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
6096 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
6097 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6099 Nine in the second place means:
6100 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6102 Six in the third place means:
6103 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
6104 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6106 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6109 17th Rule of Friendship:
6111 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6112 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6114 -- Esquire, May 1977
6116 186,000 miles per second:
6117 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6119 1893 The ideal brain tonic
6120 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6122 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
6123 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
6124 1906 The drink of QUALITY
6125 1907 Good to the last drop
6126 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
6127 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
6128 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
6129 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
6130 1919 It satisfies thirst
6131 1919 The taste is the test
6132 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6133 1922 Thirst knows no season
6134 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6135 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6137 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6138 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6139 1929 The pause that refreshes
6140 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6141 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6142 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6143 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6144 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6145 1939 Thirst stops here
6146 1942 It's the real thing
6148 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6149 1963 Things go better with Coke
6150 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6151 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6153 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6155 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6157 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6159 2180, U.S. History question:
6160 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6161 office did he later hold?
6163 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6164 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6165 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6167 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6172 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6174 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6175 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6176 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6177 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6178 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6180 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6182 3rd Law of Computing:
6183 Anything that can go wr
6184 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6186 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6188 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6190 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6191 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6192 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6193 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6194 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6195 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6196 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6197 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6198 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6200 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6201 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6202 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6203 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6204 and other good books.
6205 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6206 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6207 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6208 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6209 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6210 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6211 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6212 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6213 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6214 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6216 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6224 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6225 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6228 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6229 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6230 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6232 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6233 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6235 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6236 and the rest hang out around here.
6238 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6240 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6241 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6243 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6245 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6246 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6248 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
6251 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6252 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6254 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6257 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6259 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6260 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6263 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6265 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6269 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6270 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6272 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6273 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6276 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6277 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6280 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6283 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6286 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6288 A beginning is the time for taking the
6289 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6290 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6292 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6293 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6295 A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
6296 adds up to be real money.
6297 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
6299 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6300 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6301 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6302 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6304 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6305 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6306 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6308 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6309 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6310 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6311 there's one white zebra."
6312 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6314 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6316 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6318 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6321 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6323 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6329 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6330 that the animal is going somewhere.
6333 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6334 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6335 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6336 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6337 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6338 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6339 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6340 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6341 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6342 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6343 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6344 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6345 resource centers along the roads.
6346 -- The Underground Grammarian
6348 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6349 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6351 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6352 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6354 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6356 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6357 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6360 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6361 of turning around three times before lying down.
6364 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6367 A budget is just a method of worrying
6368 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6370 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6372 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6374 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6375 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6376 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6377 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6378 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6379 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6380 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6381 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6382 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6383 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6384 pole in a complex plane."
6386 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6387 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6388 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6389 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6390 -- Robert W. Service
6392 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6393 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6395 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6398 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6399 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6401 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6402 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6403 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6404 examine him about his recent diet.
6405 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6407 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6408 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6409 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6410 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6411 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6412 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6413 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6415 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6417 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6418 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6419 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6420 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6421 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6422 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6423 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6425 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6426 does not prove anything.
6427 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6429 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6431 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6432 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6434 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6435 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6436 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6437 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6438 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6439 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6440 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6441 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6444 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6445 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6446 who passed it on to theirs.
6448 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6449 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6450 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6451 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6452 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6453 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6454 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6455 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6456 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6457 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6458 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6459 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6460 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6461 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6463 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6464 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6465 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6467 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6468 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6470 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6472 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6475 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6477 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6478 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6479 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6482 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6484 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
6485 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
6488 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6489 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6491 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6492 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6494 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6495 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6498 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6501 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6503 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6504 and nobody wants to read.
6505 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6507 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6509 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6511 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6512 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6513 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6514 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6515 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6517 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6519 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6520 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6521 valuable scientific objectivity.
6523 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6524 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6525 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6527 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6528 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6530 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6532 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6533 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6534 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6535 disability you may have experienced.
6537 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6538 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6539 explained in terms that you would understand.
6541 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6542 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6543 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6545 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6547 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6548 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6549 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6551 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6552 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6554 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6555 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6556 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6557 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6559 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6560 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6562 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6563 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6564 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6565 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6567 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6570 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6571 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6573 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6574 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6577 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6580 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6582 A complex system that works is invariably
6583 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6585 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6588 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6591 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6592 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6595 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6596 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6597 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6598 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6600 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6601 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6602 Computer: George Washington.
6603 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6604 Where is my father?"
6605 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6606 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6608 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6609 landed a twelve pound bass.
6611 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6612 the computer science student has run in to.
6614 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6615 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6616 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6617 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6618 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6619 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6620 get the pointer value from there?
6621 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6622 make it point to the previous item.
6623 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6624 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6626 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6628 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6630 A computer science student on an exam:
6632 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6633 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6634 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6637 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6639 A computer, to print out a fact,
6640 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6641 But this output can be
6642 No more than debris,
6643 If the input was short of exact.
6646 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6647 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6649 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6651 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6652 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6655 A CONS is an object which cares.
6656 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6658 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6661 A conservative is a man
6662 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6665 A conservative is a man
6666 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6667 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6669 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6670 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6672 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6675 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6676 damned things is ample.
6679 A couch is as good as a chair.
6681 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6684 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6685 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6686 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6687 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6688 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6689 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6690 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6691 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6692 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6694 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6695 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6696 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6697 there, he don't have one!"
6699 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6700 money is always there but the pockets change;
6701 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6702 and that is all there is to say about money.
6705 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6706 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6707 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6708 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6709 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6710 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6711 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6712 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6713 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6714 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6715 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6716 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6717 this central section.
6718 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6719 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6720 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6721 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6723 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6726 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6727 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6728 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6730 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
6731 And had an affair with a Saracen.
6732 She was not oversexed,
6733 Or jealous or vexed,
6734 She just wanted to make a comparison.
6736 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6739 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6741 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6743 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6745 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6747 A day without sunshine is like night.
6749 A dead man cannot bite.
6750 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6752 A debugged program is one for which you have
6753 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6756 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6757 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6758 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6759 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6760 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6761 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6762 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6764 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6765 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6767 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6768 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6770 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6771 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6774 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6775 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6776 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6778 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6781 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
6782 you will look forward to the trip.
6784 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6785 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6787 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6790 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6791 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6793 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6794 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6795 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6797 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6799 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6800 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6801 that you only have six weeks to live."
6802 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6804 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6807 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6808 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6809 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6810 courtesy," he explained.
6812 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6815 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6819 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6822 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6823 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6824 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6825 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6827 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6830 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6832 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6835 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6836 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6838 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6840 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6841 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6842 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6843 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6844 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6845 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6846 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6848 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6849 -- Winston Churchill
6851 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6853 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6854 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6855 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6856 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6857 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6858 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6859 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6860 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6861 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6862 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6863 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6864 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6865 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6867 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6868 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6871 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6872 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6873 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6874 should be masculine or feminine.
6875 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6876 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6877 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6878 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6879 went on their way rather quickly.
6880 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6881 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6882 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6884 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6886 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6887 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6888 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6891 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6892 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6894 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6896 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6898 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6899 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6900 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6901 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6902 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6903 drowned in the lake!"
6904 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6905 more chain than he can swim with?"
6907 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6908 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6909 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6910 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6911 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6912 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6915 (Or scatters scats);
6916 A potting shed's for potting;
6919 Or caught an otter otting.
6922 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6924 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6925 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6927 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6929 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6931 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6933 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6934 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6936 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6938 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6939 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6941 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6942 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6944 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6945 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6946 -- George Bernard Shaw
6948 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6951 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6953 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6956 "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6957 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
6958 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6960 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6963 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6966 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6968 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6969 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6971 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6972 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6975 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6976 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6978 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6980 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6983 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6985 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6988 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6990 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6991 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6992 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6993 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6996 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6997 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6999 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7000 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7001 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7002 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7003 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7006 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7007 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7008 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7009 electrical shock to the horse.
7010 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7011 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7012 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7013 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7014 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7015 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7017 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7019 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7021 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7023 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7025 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7027 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7030 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7032 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7033 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7034 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bthat _
\b_
\b_
\bhad _
\b_
\bto _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bmean _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bsomething*.
7035 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7037 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7038 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7040 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7043 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7044 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7046 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
7047 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
7049 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7050 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
7051 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
7052 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
7056 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
7057 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
7058 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
7059 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
7060 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
7061 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7064 A good man always knows his limitations.
7067 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7068 -- Michel de Montaigne
7070 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7072 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7073 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7076 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7079 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7083 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7084 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7085 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7088 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7091 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7093 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7095 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7096 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7097 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7098 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7100 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7101 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7102 "That's dynamite, baby."
7103 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
7105 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7106 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7110 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7111 the table after you eat.
7113 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7116 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7117 to take it all away.
7120 A grammarian's life is always intense.
7122 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7125 A great many people think they are thinking
7126 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7129 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7132 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7133 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7134 grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7135 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7136 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7137 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7138 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7139 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
7140 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7141 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7142 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7143 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7144 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7145 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7147 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7148 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7149 not going to church on Sunday.
7152 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7155 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7156 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7158 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7161 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7162 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7163 Brings good fortune.
7165 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7167 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7169 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7171 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7172 weight in other people's patience.
7175 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7177 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7178 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7179 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7184 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7185 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7186 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7187 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7188 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7189 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7190 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7191 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7192 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7194 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7196 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7197 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7200 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7201 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7203 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7204 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7205 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7206 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7207 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7208 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7209 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7210 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7211 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7213 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7215 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7216 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7217 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7219 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7221 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7222 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7224 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7226 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7227 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7228 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7230 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7233 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7236 A hypothetical paradox:
7237 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7238 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7239 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7242 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7243 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7244 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7245 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7246 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7247 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7248 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
7249 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7250 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7251 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7252 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7253 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7254 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7255 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7260 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7261 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7262 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7263 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7264 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7265 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7266 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7267 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7268 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7269 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7270 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7271 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7272 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7273 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7274 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7275 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7276 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7277 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7278 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7279 T is for true, which does very little.
7280 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7281 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7282 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7283 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7284 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7285 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7286 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7288 A joint is just tea for two.
7290 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7292 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7295 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7298 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7300 Simply handed in through the window.
7301 There is certainly no blame in this.
7303 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7306 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7307 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7309 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7311 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7312 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7314 A king's castle is his home.
7316 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7317 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7318 words are superfluous.
7320 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7322 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7325 A lady with one of her ears applied
7326 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7327 Two female gossips in converse free --
7328 The subject engaging them was she.
7329 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7330 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7331 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7332 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7333 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7334 "To hear my character lied about!"
7337 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7338 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7341 A language that doesn't have everything is
7342 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7343 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7345 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7346 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7347 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7348 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7349 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7350 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7351 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7352 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7353 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7354 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7355 this here corn liquor?"
7356 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7357 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7358 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7359 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7360 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7361 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7362 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7363 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7366 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7367 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7370 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7371 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7372 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7373 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7374 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7375 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7376 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7377 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7378 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7379 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7380 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7381 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7383 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7384 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7386 A Law of Computer Programming:
7387 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7388 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7390 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7393 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7396 A lie in time saves nine.
7398 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7402 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7404 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7406 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7407 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7409 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7412 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7413 Into space that is quite economical.
7414 But the good ones I've seen
7415 So seldom are clean,
7416 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7418 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7419 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7422 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7425 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7427 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7430 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7431 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7433 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7434 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7435 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7436 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7437 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7439 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7440 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7441 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7442 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7443 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7444 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7447 A little word of doubtful number,
7448 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7449 If you add an "s" to this,
7450 Great is the metamorphosis.
7451 Plural is plural now no more,
7452 And sweet what bitter was before.
7455 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7457 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7459 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7460 Buy the negatives at any price.
7462 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7464 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7467 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7468 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7471 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7474 A major, with wonderful force,
7475 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7476 All the flowers looked round,
7477 But no horse could be found;
7478 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7480 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7483 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7484 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7486 A man always remembers his first love with special
7487 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7490 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7491 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7492 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7493 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7495 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7496 on the side to make it interesting?"
7498 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7502 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7503 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7506 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7509 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7510 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7511 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7513 A deep majestic voice answered,
7514 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7515 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7516 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7517 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7518 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7519 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7521 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7525 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7526 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7528 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7529 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7530 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7531 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7533 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7534 "Nah," says the man.
7535 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7536 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7537 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7540 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7541 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7543 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7546 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7547 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7548 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7550 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7551 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7552 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7553 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7555 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7556 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7557 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7558 and he heads off into the distance.
7559 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7560 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7561 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7562 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7563 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7564 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7566 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7569 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7570 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7573 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7576 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7577 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7578 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7579 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7580 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7581 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7582 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7584 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7585 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7586 attacked and killed her."
7587 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7588 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7589 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7591 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7592 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7593 from around here, are you?"
7594 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7595 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7596 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7597 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7598 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7599 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7600 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7601 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7602 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7603 Martians have that?"
7604 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7606 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7607 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7608 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7610 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7613 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7614 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7616 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7617 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7620 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7621 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7622 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7624 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7626 A man said to the Universe:
7628 "However," replied the Universe,
7629 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7632 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7633 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7634 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7635 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7636 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7638 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7639 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7640 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7641 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7642 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7643 just want to get my saddle back!"
7645 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7646 he is able to answer.
7649 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7651 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7652 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7653 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7654 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7655 wakes up and gives me hell."
7656 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7658 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7659 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7660 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7661 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7662 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7665 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7666 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7667 why did you Di......eeee"
7668 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7669 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7670 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7671 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7672 why....eeeee did you.."
7673 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7674 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7675 "My wife's first husband."
7677 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7678 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7680 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7683 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7684 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7686 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7687 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7689 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7691 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7693 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7694 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7696 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7698 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7700 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7702 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7703 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7704 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7705 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7706 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7708 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7710 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7712 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7713 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7715 A man's house is his castle.
7718 A man's house is his hassle.
7720 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7721 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7722 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7723 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7724 "What about you: do you see it?"
7725 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7726 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7727 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7728 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7729 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7731 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7732 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7733 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7734 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7736 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7737 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7738 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7740 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7742 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7745 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7747 A meeting is an event at which the
7748 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7750 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7751 but to protect the writer.
7754 A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
7755 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7758 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7759 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7760 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7761 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7762 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7763 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7764 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7765 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7766 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7767 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7768 fall over gently onto their backs.
7769 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7771 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7773 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7774 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7775 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7777 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7778 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7780 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7781 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7782 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7785 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7786 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7789 A mighty creature is the germ,
7790 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7791 His customary dwelling place
7792 Is deep within the human race.
7793 His childish pride he often pleases
7794 By giving people strange diseases.
7795 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7796 You probably contain a germ.
7799 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7801 A modem is a baudy house.
7803 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7804 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7807 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7808 many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7812 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7813 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7814 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7815 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7816 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7817 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7818 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7819 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7820 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7821 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7822 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7823 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7826 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7827 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7830 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7832 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7834 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7836 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7838 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7839 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7842 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7843 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7845 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7848 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7850 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7851 will be to us a national blessing.
7852 -- Alexander Hamilton
7854 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7855 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7856 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7857 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7859 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7860 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7861 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7862 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7863 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7864 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7865 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7867 A new dramatist of the absurd
7868 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
7869 I learn from my spies
7870 He's about to devise
7871 An unprintable three-letter word.
7874 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7875 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7876 It is an ice cream koan.
7878 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7879 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7880 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7882 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7883 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7884 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7885 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7886 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7887 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7888 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7889 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7891 A New Way of Taking Pills
7892 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7893 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7894 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7895 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7896 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7898 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7899 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7901 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7902 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7903 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7904 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7905 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7906 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7907 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7908 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7909 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7910 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7911 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7912 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7913 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7917 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7918 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7919 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7920 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7921 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7922 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7923 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7924 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7925 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7928 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7929 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7931 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7934 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7935 passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7938 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7939 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7942 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7945 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7947 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7949 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7950 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7953 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7955 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7956 enlightenment, several years later.
7961 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7962 With thought and sarcasm.
7964 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7966 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7967 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7969 A Parable of Modern Research:
7971 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7972 brightly lit corner.
7973 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7974 "I can only see here."
7976 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7977 -- William S. Burroughs
7979 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7982 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7984 "A penny for your thoughts?"
7985 "A dollar for your death."
7988 A penny saved has not been spent.
7990 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7992 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7994 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7996 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7997 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7998 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7999 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8000 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8003 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8004 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8005 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8006 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8009 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8011 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
8013 A person who has both feet planted firmly
8014 in the air can be safely called a liberal.
8016 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8017 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8019 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8020 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8023 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8026 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
8029 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8030 gets out and goes into the office.
8031 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8032 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8033 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8035 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8036 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8038 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8039 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8041 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8042 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8043 "we're building a house".
8045 A pig is a jolly companion,
8046 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8047 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8048 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8049 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8050 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8051 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8052 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8053 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8054 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8056 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8057 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8059 A place for everything and everything in its place.
8060 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8062 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8063 referring to memory management system services.]
8065 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8068 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8069 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8072 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8074 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8076 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8077 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8078 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8079 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8080 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8081 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8083 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8084 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8085 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8086 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8087 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8089 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8091 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8092 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8095 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8098 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8100 "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
8101 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
8103 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8104 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8105 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8108 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8111 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8112 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8113 of yours to press against my heart.
8116 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8118 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8119 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8121 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8125 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8127 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8129 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
8130 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8131 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8133 And that is Fate? said the priest.
8135 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8137 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
8139 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8141 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8144 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8145 asks you not to kill him.
8146 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8148 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8149 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8151 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8153 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
8154 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
8155 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
8156 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
8157 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
8158 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
8159 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
8160 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
8161 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
8163 A programming language is low level
8164 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8166 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8167 drink with -- even if he drank.
8170 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8171 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8172 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8173 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8174 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8175 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8176 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8177 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8178 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8179 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8181 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8182 getting more sex than you are.
8185 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8186 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8189 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8190 your wife asks you for nothing.
8193 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8194 your wife will give you for free.
8196 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8197 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8198 was intended for her preservation.
8201 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8202 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8203 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8204 to make a travesty of the game.
8207 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8208 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8209 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8211 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8212 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8213 might be made an Archbishop."
8214 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8215 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8216 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8217 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8218 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8219 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8220 up from being the Pope?"
8221 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8222 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8224 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8225 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8228 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8229 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8232 "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
8234 A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8236 Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8237 "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8238 bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8239 lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8240 breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8241 Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8242 the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8243 thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8244 proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8245 the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8246 Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8248 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8250 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8251 his neighbor notice it.
8254 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8255 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8256 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8257 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8258 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8259 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8260 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8261 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8262 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8263 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8265 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8266 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8268 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8269 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
8271 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8272 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8274 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8275 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8276 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8277 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8279 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8280 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8281 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8284 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8285 people what to do with their money.
8286 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8288 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8291 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8292 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8295 A robin redbreast in a cage
8296 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8299 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8300 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8301 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8303 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8305 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8307 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8310 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8311 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8312 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8313 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8316 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8317 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8318 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8319 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8320 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8321 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8322 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8323 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8324 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8325 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8326 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8327 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8328 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8329 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8330 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8332 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8333 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8334 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8335 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8336 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8337 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8338 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8339 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8340 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8342 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8343 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8344 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8346 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8348 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8349 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8350 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8352 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8353 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8354 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8357 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8359 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8360 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8361 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8362 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8363 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8364 the vocation must fit the individual.
8365 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8367 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8369 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8370 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8371 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8374 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8375 the vexation of thinking.
8376 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8378 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8379 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8380 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8381 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8383 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8384 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8386 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8388 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8389 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8393 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8396 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8397 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8398 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8399 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8400 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8401 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8402 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8403 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8404 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8405 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8406 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8407 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8408 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8410 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8411 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8412 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8413 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8414 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8415 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8416 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8417 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8418 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8419 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8420 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8421 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8422 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8424 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8427 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8430 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8431 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8432 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8435 I knew the language of the floweret;
8436 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8437 Love long has taken for his amulet
8440 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8441 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8442 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8444 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8446 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8449 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8451 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8453 A snake lurks in the grass.
8454 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8456 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8457 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8458 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8460 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8461 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8462 which is on its way out.
8465 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8468 A soft drink turneth away company.
8470 A song in time is worth a dime.
8472 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8473 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8474 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8475 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8476 "How are you?" they ask.
8477 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8478 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8479 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8480 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8481 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8483 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8484 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8485 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8486 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8488 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8489 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8490 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8491 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8493 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8495 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8497 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8500 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8501 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8502 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8503 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8505 A stitch in time saves nine.
8507 "...A strange enigma is man!"
8508 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8509 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8510 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8511 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8512 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8513 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8515 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8517 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8520 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8524 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8525 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8526 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8527 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8528 the student with a stick.
8530 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8532 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8534 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8535 undreamed of by its author.
8538 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8542 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8543 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8544 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8545 new versions of their own innards!
8548 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8549 -- by Charles Dickens
8551 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8553 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8556 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8558 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8559 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8561 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8564 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8566 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8567 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8569 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8570 -- by Charles Dickens
8572 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8573 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8576 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8577 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8579 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8580 feels guilty and apologizes.
8582 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8585 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8587 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8589 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8591 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8592 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8594 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8595 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8597 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8598 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8601 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8602 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8604 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8607 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8608 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8611 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8612 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8614 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8615 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8616 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8617 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8618 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8619 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8620 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8621 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8622 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8623 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8624 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8625 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8627 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8629 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8630 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8632 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8635 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8636 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8639 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8641 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8643 A truth that's told with bad intent
8644 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8647 A university is what a college becomes
8648 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8651 "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
8652 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8654 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8655 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8656 She found a good way
8657 To combine work and play:
8658 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8660 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8661 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8662 -- Tennessee Williams
8664 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8667 A very intelligent turtle
8668 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8669 The system, you see,
8670 Ran as slow as did he,
8671 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8673 A violent man will die a violent death.
8676 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8678 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8680 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8682 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8685 A watched clock never boils.
8687 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8688 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8690 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8692 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8693 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8694 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8695 Software rots if not used.
8697 These are great mysteries.
8698 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8700 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8703 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8704 *for the rest of your life*.
8707 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8708 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8710 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8711 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8713 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8716 A witty saying proves nothing.
8719 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8722 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8723 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8724 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8725 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8726 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8727 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8728 near your person at all times.
8729 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8731 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8732 were quite a struggle.
8735 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8737 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8738 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8739 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8741 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8744 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8745 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8748 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8749 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8752 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8753 thankful for a good one.
8754 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8756 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8760 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8761 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8764 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8768 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
8769 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
8770 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
8773 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8774 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8775 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8776 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8778 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8781 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8782 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8783 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8784 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8785 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8786 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8787 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8788 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8790 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8791 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8792 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8794 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8795 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8797 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8799 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8802 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8803 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8805 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8806 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8808 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8810 A word to the wise is enough.
8811 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8813 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8814 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8815 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8816 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8817 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8818 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8819 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8821 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8822 what he writes fiction.
8825 A yawn is a silent shout.
8828 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8830 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8831 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8832 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8834 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8835 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8836 have that!" she gushed.
8837 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8838 window and grabbing the ring.
8839 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8840 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8841 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8843 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8844 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8845 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8847 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8848 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8849 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8850 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8851 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8852 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8853 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8854 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8855 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8856 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8857 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8858 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8859 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8860 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8861 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8862 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8863 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8864 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8865 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8866 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8869 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8871 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8872 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8873 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8874 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8875 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8876 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8878 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8880 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8881 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8883 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8885 Abbott's Admonitions:
8886 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8887 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8889 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8891 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8892 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8894 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8895 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8896 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8897 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8898 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8899 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8900 And to the presence in the room he said,
8901 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8902 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8903 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8904 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8905 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8906 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8907 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8908 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8909 It came again with a great wakening light,
8910 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8911 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8912 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8914 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8916 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8918 About the only thing we have left that actually
8919 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8921 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8924 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8925 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8926 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8928 Above all else - sky.
8930 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8932 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8935 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8936 and miss the return train.
8938 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8939 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8942 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8943 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8946 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8947 it enkindles the great.
8949 Absence makes the heart forget.
8951 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8953 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8956 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8958 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8961 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8965 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8966 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8967 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8969 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8971 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8975 A weak person who yields to the
8976 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8977 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8980 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8981 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8982 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8983 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8984 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8985 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8986 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8987 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8988 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8989 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8990 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8991 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8994 A statement or belief manifestly
8995 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8996 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8998 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8999 because the stakes are so low.
9002 Academicians care, that's who.
9005 A modern school where football is taught.
9007 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9009 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9011 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9014 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9016 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
9017 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
9019 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
9022 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
9023 but absence of body is better.
9024 -- Foolish Dictionary
9027 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9031 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9032 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9033 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9034 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9035 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9037 Accidents cause History.
9039 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9040 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9041 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9042 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9043 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9044 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9046 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9047 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9048 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9049 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9050 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9051 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9052 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9053 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9054 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9055 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9056 sheepish grin" comes from.
9058 According to all the latest reports,
9059 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9061 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9062 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9063 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9064 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9067 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9068 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9070 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9072 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9073 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9075 According to the latest official figures,
9076 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
9078 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9081 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
9082 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
9083 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
9084 beat up their city anytime.
9088 A bagpipe with pleats.
9091 The vice of being right
9093 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9095 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9098 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
9099 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
9100 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
9103 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9105 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9106 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9107 well, I think of my sex life.
9112 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9113 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9114 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9115 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9116 John Wayne Marion Morrison
9117 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9118 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9119 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9120 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9122 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9123 everyone glued in their seats!"
9124 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9127 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9128 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9129 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9130 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9132 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9134 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9135 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
9136 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9138 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9140 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9141 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9143 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9144 only have one floor to go to.
9146 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9147 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9148 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9149 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9150 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9153 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9156 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9157 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
9159 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9161 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9162 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9165 Adding features does not necessarily increase
9166 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9168 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9169 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
9171 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9172 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9173 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9174 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
9176 Adding sound to movies would be like
9177 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9178 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
9180 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9181 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9183 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9185 Adler's Distinction:
9186 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9187 and from the bureaucrats.
9190 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9191 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9194 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9196 "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9201 To venerate expectantly.
9202 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9205 One old enough to know better.
9209 Advancement in position.
9211 Advertisements contain the only
9212 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9215 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9216 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9219 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9222 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9223 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9226 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9227 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9230 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9232 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9234 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9235 then at least be aseptic.
9237 African violet: Such worth is rare
9238 Apple blossom: Preference
9239 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9240 Bay leaf: I change but in death
9241 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
9242 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9243 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9244 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9248 Forget-me-not: True love
9250 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9251 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9252 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9253 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9254 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9255 Lilac: Youthful innocence
9256 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9257 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9258 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9259 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9261 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9262 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9263 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9264 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9265 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9266 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9267 especially that which is prohibited.
9268 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
9269 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
9271 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9272 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9273 more advanced than the lichen family.
9274 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
9276 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9278 After a while you learn the subtle difference
9279 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9280 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9281 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9282 And presents aren't promises
9283 And you begin to accept your defeats
9284 With your head up and your eyes open,
9285 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9286 And you learn to build all your roads
9287 On today because tomorrow's ground
9288 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9289 A way of falling down in midflight,
9290 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9291 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9292 For someone to bring you flowers.
9293 And you learn that you really can endure...
9294 That you really are strong,
9295 And you really do have worth
9296 And you learn and learn
9297 With every goodbye you learn.
9298 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9300 After all, all he did was string together
9301 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9302 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9304 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9306 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9309 After all my erstwhile dear,
9310 My no longer cherished,
9311 Need we say it was not love,
9312 Just because it perished?
9313 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9315 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9316 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9317 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9320 After an instrument has been assembled,
9321 extra components will be found on the bench.
9323 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9324 month than you did before.
9326 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9327 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9328 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9329 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9330 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9331 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9332 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9333 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9334 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9335 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9336 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9337 that it sinks like a stone.
9338 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9340 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9341 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9342 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9343 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9344 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9345 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9346 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9347 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9348 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9349 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9350 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9351 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9352 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9354 "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9355 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9356 cost to others, to win advancement."
9359 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9361 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9362 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9364 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9365 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9366 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9367 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9368 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9369 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9370 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9371 one foot in his mouth.)
9372 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9374 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9377 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9378 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9379 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9380 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9381 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9383 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9384 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9386 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9387 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9388 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9389 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9390 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9391 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9392 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9393 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9394 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9395 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9396 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9397 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9398 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9399 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9401 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9402 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9403 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9405 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9406 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9407 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9408 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9409 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9411 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9412 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9413 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9414 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9415 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9416 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9417 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9419 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9420 straight to the point.
9421 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9423 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9424 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9426 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9429 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9432 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9434 Against Idleness and Mischief
9436 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9437 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9438 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9439 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9441 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9442 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9443 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9444 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9445 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9447 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9448 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9450 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9452 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9455 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9456 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9459 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9460 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9465 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9467 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9469 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9470 Or what's a heaven for ?
9471 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9473 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9476 For all dreams are not equal,
9477 some exit to nightmare
9478 most end with the dreamer
9480 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9482 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9483 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9484 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9485 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9488 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9490 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9492 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9494 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9495 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9496 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9497 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9498 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9499 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9501 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9503 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9504 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9506 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
9507 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
9508 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
9509 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
9511 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9514 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9515 -- The Mad Dogtender
9517 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9518 bring me a message from a young man.
9521 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9523 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9527 A nutritious substance supplied by
9528 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
9531 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9532 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9534 Air is water with holes in it.
9536 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9538 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9539 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9540 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9542 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9543 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9545 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9546 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9547 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9548 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9550 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9551 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9553 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9554 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9559 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9560 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9561 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9562 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9565 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9566 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9567 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9568 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9569 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9572 Social innovations tend to the level
9573 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9575 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9576 The surest poison is time.
9577 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9579 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9580 -- George Bernard Shaw
9583 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9585 (2) Always be backlit.
9586 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9588 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9589 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9590 You take one down, and pass it around,
9591 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9593 Alex Haley was adopted!
9595 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9596 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9598 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9599 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9600 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9602 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9603 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9605 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9606 important programming language yet developed.
9610 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9612 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9614 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9615 them keeps paying for it.
9618 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9621 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9624 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9626 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9628 Alive without breath,
9630 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9631 All in mail ever clinking.
9633 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9635 All art is but imitation of nature.
9636 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9638 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9639 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9640 Catiline", by Sallust
9642 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9646 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9647 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9649 All constants are variables.
9651 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9654 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9656 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9661 Smoke a friend today.
9663 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9666 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9668 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9670 All Gods were immortal.
9671 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9673 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9676 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9678 All heiresses are beautiful.
9681 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9682 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9685 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9688 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9690 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9693 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9694 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9697 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9698 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9699 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9702 All I need to have a good time,
9703 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9704 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9705 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9707 All I want is to never grow old,
9708 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9709 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9710 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9712 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9713 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9714 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9715 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9716 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9718 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9719 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9721 All intelligent species own cats.
9723 All is fear in love and war.
9725 All is well that ends well.
9728 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9729 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9730 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9731 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9732 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9733 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9735 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9738 All laws are simulations of reality.
9741 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9744 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9748 All men have the right to wait in line.
9750 All men know the utility of useful things;
9751 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9754 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9755 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9756 To believe none so is something worse.
9757 -- John Quincy Adams
9759 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9760 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9763 All most people ask of life is a constant
9764 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9766 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9768 All my friends and I are crazy.
9769 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9771 All my friends are getting married,
9772 Yes, they're all growing old,
9773 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9774 They're all doing what they're told.
9776 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9780 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9782 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9783 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9785 All of the animals except man know that
9786 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9788 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9789 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9790 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9791 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9794 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9795 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9797 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9798 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9799 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9800 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9801 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9803 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9807 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9808 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9809 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9811 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9813 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9816 All phone calls are obscene.
9817 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9819 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9822 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9824 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9825 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9826 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9827 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9828 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9829 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9831 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9833 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9835 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9836 to live beyond its income.
9837 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9839 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9840 -- Ernest Rutherford
9842 All seems condemned in the long run
9843 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9846 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9849 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9851 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9853 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9855 All that is gold does not glitter,
9856 Not all those who wander are lost;
9857 The old that is strong does not wither,
9858 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9859 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9860 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9861 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9862 The crownless again shall be king.
9865 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9866 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9867 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9868 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9869 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9870 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9872 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9874 All the evidence concerning the universe
9875 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9877 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9878 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9879 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9880 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9882 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9883 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9884 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9885 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9887 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9888 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9889 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9890 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9892 I've read all the greats
9893 Both starving and fat,
9894 But none was as great as
9895 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9896 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9898 All the men on my staff can type.
9901 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9904 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9908 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9911 All the simple programs have been written.
9913 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9914 the government in less than a second.
9917 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9919 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9922 All the world's a VAX,
9923 And all the coders merely butchers;
9924 They have their exits and their entrails;
9925 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9926 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9927 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9928 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9929 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9930 Unwillingly to school.
9931 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9933 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9934 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9935 -- Richard P. Feynman
9937 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9939 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9941 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9942 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9944 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9945 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9948 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9950 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9951 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9953 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9954 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9958 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9959 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9960 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9962 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9964 All who joy would win Must share it --
9965 Happiness was born a twin.
9968 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9970 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9971 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9972 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9973 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9977 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9980 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9981 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
9982 separately plunder a third.
9983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9985 All's well that ends.
9987 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9988 about today's software design would be accurate.
9993 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9995 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9996 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9998 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9999 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10000 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10001 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10002 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10003 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10005 caaa, n: An automobile.
10006 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10007 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10008 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10009 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10011 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10013 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10014 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10017 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10018 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10019 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10020 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10021 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10022 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10023 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10024 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10026 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10028 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10029 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10030 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10031 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10032 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10033 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10034 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10035 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10036 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10037 running the post office.
10038 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10040 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10041 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
10042 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
10043 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
10044 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
10045 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
10046 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
10047 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
10048 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
10050 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
10052 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10054 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10057 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10059 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10061 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10064 Always store beer in a dark place.
10066 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10067 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10069 Always there remain portions of our heart
10070 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10072 Always think of something new; this
10073 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10076 "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10079 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10081 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10082 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
10083 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
10085 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10086 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
10087 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
10089 Ambidextrous, adj.:
10090 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10091 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10094 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10096 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10097 -- Charlie McCarthy
10100 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10101 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10104 America: born free and taxed to death.
10106 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10109 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10112 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10113 and the scum rises to the top.
10116 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10117 -- President John F. Kennedy
10119 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10120 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10121 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10122 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10123 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10125 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10126 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10127 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10128 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10129 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10130 by the majority they were at the time.
10131 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10133 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10134 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10136 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10137 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10140 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
10141 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
10143 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10145 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10147 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10148 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10149 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10150 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10151 pictures on the doors.
10152 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10154 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10156 American cars are made shoddily...
10157 Cars made overseas are far superior.
10158 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10160 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10161 we allow them short of hanging.
10164 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10165 tail it knocks over a chair.
10168 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
10169 everybody and still nobody likes him.
10172 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10174 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10175 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10176 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10178 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10180 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10183 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10184 and divide at the same time.
10186 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10187 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
10189 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10191 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10192 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10194 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10197 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10198 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
10200 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10202 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10203 people refuse to see it.
10204 -- James Michener, "Space"
10206 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10207 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10208 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10209 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10211 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10214 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10217 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10218 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10219 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
10221 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10222 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10223 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10224 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10227 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10230 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10231 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10232 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10233 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10234 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10235 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10236 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10238 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10239 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10240 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10242 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10243 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10245 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10247 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10248 transportation everywhere."
10249 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10250 R: "We take the train."
10251 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10252 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10253 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10254 R: "We take tanks."
10256 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10257 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10259 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
10260 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
10261 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10264 An aphorism is never exactly true;
10265 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10268 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10270 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10272 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10274 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10276 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10278 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10280 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10283 An attachment a la Plato
10284 for a bashful young potato
10285 or a, not too French, french bean
10286 must excite your languid spleen.
10287 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10288 with a poppy or lily
10289 in your medieval hand,
10290 every one will say,
10291 as you walk your flowery way;
10292 "If this young man is content,
10293 with a vegetable love
10294 which would certainly not content me.
10295 Why, what a very pure young man
10296 this pure young man must be!"
10297 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10298 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10300 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10301 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10302 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10303 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10304 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10305 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10307 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10308 really care to know.
10310 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10312 An economist is a man who would marry
10313 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10315 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10318 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10320 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10321 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10322 -- Winston Churchill
10324 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10325 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10328 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10329 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10330 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10331 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10332 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10333 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10334 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10335 I've already paid them half of it."
10336 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10337 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10339 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10341 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10342 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10343 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10344 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10345 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10346 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10347 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10348 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10349 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10350 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10352 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10354 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10355 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10356 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10357 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10359 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10362 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10364 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10365 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10366 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10367 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10368 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10371 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10372 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10373 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10374 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10375 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10376 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10377 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10378 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10379 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10380 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10381 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10382 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10384 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10386 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10390 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10394 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10395 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10396 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10398 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10399 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10401 An eye in a blue face
10402 Saw an eye in a green face.
10403 "That eye is like this eye"
10404 Said the first eye,
10406 Not in high place."
10408 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10409 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10410 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10411 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10412 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10413 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10414 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10415 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10416 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10417 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10418 He let go by the things of yesterday
10419 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10420 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10421 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10422 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10423 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10424 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10425 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10426 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10427 Was he to study till his head wend round
10428 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10429 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10430 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10431 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10433 [well, almost. Ed.]
10435 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10438 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10439 bought they stay bought.
10442 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10443 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10445 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10446 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10448 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10450 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10452 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10455 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10457 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10458 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10461 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10464 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10465 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10466 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10467 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10468 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10469 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10471 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10472 -- Benjamin Franklin
10474 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10475 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10476 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10477 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10478 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10479 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10480 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10481 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10482 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10483 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10484 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10485 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10486 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10487 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10490 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10493 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10494 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10496 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10498 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10501 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10504 "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
10506 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10509 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10510 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10511 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10512 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10513 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10514 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10515 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10517 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10518 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10519 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10520 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10521 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10522 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10524 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10525 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10526 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10527 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10528 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10529 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10531 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10532 Let our chant fill the void
10533 That others may know
10535 In the land of the night
10536 The ship of the sun
10539 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10541 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
10542 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
10543 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
10544 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
10545 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
10547 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10548 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10549 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10550 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10551 And did the Countenance Divine
10552 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10553 And was Jerusalem builded here
10554 Among these dark satanic mills?
10556 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10557 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10558 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10559 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10560 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10561 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10562 Till we have built Jerusalem
10563 In England's green and pleasant land.
10564 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10566 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10568 And ever has it been known that
10569 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10572 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10573 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10574 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10575 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10576 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10577 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10578 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10579 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10580 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10581 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10582 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10583 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10584 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10585 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10586 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10587 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10588 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
10590 And here I wait so patiently
10591 Waiting to find out what price
10592 You have to pay to get out of
10593 Going thru all of these things twice
10594 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10596 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10598 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10599 As they strolled out of sight,
10600 "Merry Christmas to all --
10601 You take credit cards, right?"
10602 -- "Outsiders" comic
10604 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10605 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10606 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10607 them, aren't braced against them.
10608 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10610 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10611 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10612 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10613 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10615 And if California slides into the ocean,
10616 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10617 I predict this motel will be standing,
10618 Until I've paid my bill.
10619 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10621 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10622 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10626 As I am heading for the sink.
10627 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10628 Along with half of my last drink.
10630 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10631 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10634 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10635 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10638 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10641 And miles to go before I sleep.
10643 And now for something completely the same.
10645 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10646 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10647 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10648 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10650 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10651 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10652 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10653 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10655 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10656 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10657 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10658 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10660 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10661 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10662 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10663 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10666 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10668 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10670 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10671 Mama'd come to school
10672 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10673 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10674 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10675 but you know yourself
10676 it's always somewhere else
10677 I'd build me a castle
10678 with dragons and kings
10679 and I'd ride off with them
10680 As I stood by my window
10681 and looked out on those
10683 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10685 And so it was, later,
10686 As the miller told his tale,
10687 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10688 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10691 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10692 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10693 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10694 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10695 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10696 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10697 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10698 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10699 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10701 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10703 And that's the way it is...
10706 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10707 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10708 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10709 clothes! He is naked!"
10710 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10712 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10713 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10714 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10715 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10716 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10717 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10719 "... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
10721 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10723 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10724 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10725 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10727 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10728 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10730 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10731 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10732 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10733 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10734 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10736 And this is good old Boston,
10737 The home of the bean and the cod,
10738 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10739 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10741 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10742 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10744 And we heard him exclaim
10745 As he started to roam:
10746 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10747 please don't try this at home!'"
10750 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10751 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10752 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10753 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10754 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10755 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10756 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10757 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10758 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10759 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10760 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10761 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10762 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10763 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10765 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10766 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10767 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10768 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10769 -- The Grateful Dead
10771 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10772 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10773 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10774 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10775 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10776 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10779 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10780 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10781 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10782 face, we have politics.
10783 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10784 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10786 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10787 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10789 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10790 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10791 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10793 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10795 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10796 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____
\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.
10797 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10799 Andrea's Admonition:
10800 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10801 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10802 it isn't and he can.
10807 Angels we have heard on High
10808 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10811 Anger is momentary madness.
10814 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10816 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10817 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10820 Ankh if you love Isis.
10822 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10824 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10826 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10827 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
10828 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10829 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10830 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10833 To grease a king or other great
10834 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
10835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10837 Another day, another dollar.
10838 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10839 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10842 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10844 Another megabytes the dust.
10846 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10847 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10848 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10849 offers whiter teeth *___
\b\b\band* fresher breath.
10850 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10852 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10855 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10858 Anthony's Law of Force:
10859 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10861 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10862 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10863 corner of the workshop.
10866 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10869 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10870 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10872 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10875 Was tired of living alonio
10876 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10877 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10878 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10880 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10882 Said if you will be my ownio
10883 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10884 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10885 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10887 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10889 Uttered a dismal moanio
10890 And went off and hid
10891 Or I'm told that he did
10892 In the Antartical Zonio.
10895 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10897 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10898 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10899 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10900 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10901 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10902 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10903 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10904 cars across Europe.
10906 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10907 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10909 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10912 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10913 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10914 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10915 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10916 Is there a better way to die?
10917 -- Charles Lindbergh
10919 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10920 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10921 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10922 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10923 -- Richard Schickel
10925 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10928 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10929 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10931 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10932 wise person to be able to sell it.
10934 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10938 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10942 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10944 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10946 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10947 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10948 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10949 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10953 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10955 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10956 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10957 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10958 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10959 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10961 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10962 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10964 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10965 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10966 be deemed to be a cat.
10967 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10969 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10970 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10971 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10972 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10973 can at least make a decision."
10974 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10975 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10976 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10977 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10979 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10980 -- Sydney J. Harris
10982 Any president should have the right to shoot
10983 at least two people a year without explanation.
10984 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10986 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10989 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10993 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10995 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10997 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10998 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10999 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11000 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11002 Any small object that is accidentally
11003 dropped will hide under a larger object.
11005 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11006 exactly the point of most pressure.
11009 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11011 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11014 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
11016 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11017 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11019 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11022 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11023 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11025 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11027 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11028 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11031 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11032 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11035 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11036 sight of a police car is probably parked.
11038 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11040 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11041 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11042 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11045 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11046 supposed to be doing at the moment.
11049 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11052 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11055 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
11056 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11057 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11058 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11059 thought on every occasion."
11060 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11062 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11064 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
11065 extremely humble opinion.
11069 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11070 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11071 make messes in the house.
11072 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11074 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11077 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
11078 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry.
11080 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11083 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11084 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11085 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11086 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11087 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11089 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11090 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11093 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11096 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11097 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11098 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11100 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
11101 account be allowed to do the job.
11102 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11104 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11105 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11106 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11107 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11109 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11112 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11113 tried taking candy from a baby.
11116 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11119 Anything cut to length will be too short.
11121 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11123 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
11125 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11127 Anything is possible on paper.
11130 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11132 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
11133 The label means the price went up.
11134 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11135 means the price went way up.
11137 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11139 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11140 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11141 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11143 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11145 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11146 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11147 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11148 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11149 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11150 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11151 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11152 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11153 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11155 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11156 If you want to come, you're not invited.
11158 "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
11161 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11162 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11165 A concise, clever statement.
11167 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11168 -- James Alexander Thom
11170 APL hackers do it in the quad.
11172 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
11173 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
11175 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11177 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11178 ...and is best for educational purposes.
11181 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
11182 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
11185 Appearances often are deceiving.
11189 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11192 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11195 April is the cruelest month...
11196 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11198 Aquadextrous, adj.:
11199 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
11200 faucet on and off with your toes.
11201 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11203 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11204 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11205 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
11206 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
11207 and over again. People think you are stupid.
11209 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11210 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11211 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11212 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11213 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11215 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11216 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11217 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11218 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11219 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11220 able to lend you a few bucks.
11222 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11223 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11224 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11225 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11226 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11227 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11230 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11231 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11232 general can be said."
11234 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11235 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11239 Are we running light with overbyte?
11242 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11243 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11244 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11247 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11248 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11250 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11251 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11252 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11253 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11254 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11255 Don't you know any better?
11256 How could you be so stupid?
11257 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11258 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11259 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11261 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11262 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11264 Do as I say, not as I do.
11265 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11266 What did you do *this* time?
11267 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11268 When I was your age...
11269 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11270 Think of all the starving children in India.
11271 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11272 I'm going to kill you.
11274 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11276 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11277 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11279 Go away. You bother me.
11280 Why? Because life is unfair.
11281 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11282 Children should be seen and not heard.
11283 You'll be the death of me.
11284 You'll understand when you're older.
11286 Wipe that smile off your face.
11287 I don't believe you.
11288 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11291 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11292 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11294 Good children always obey.
11295 Quit acting so childish.
11297 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11298 Why do you have to know so much?
11299 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11300 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11301 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11303 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11305 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11306 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11308 When are you going to grow up?
11309 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11310 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11312 What's wrong with you?
11313 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11314 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11315 Don't you have any sense at all?
11316 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11317 Why? Because I said so.
11318 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11320 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11321 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11323 You wouldn't understand.
11324 You ask too many questions.
11325 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11326 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11327 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11329 You're acting too big for your britches.
11330 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11331 Wait till your father gets home.
11332 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11333 Shape up or ship out.
11337 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11339 "Are you police officers?"
11340 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11341 -- The Blues Brothers
11343 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11345 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11346 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11349 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11350 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11351 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11352 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11353 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11354 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11355 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11356 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11357 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
11358 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11359 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11361 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
11362 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
11363 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
11364 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
11365 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11366 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11368 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11369 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11371 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11372 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11375 "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
11376 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11378 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11379 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11380 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11383 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11384 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11385 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11386 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11389 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11390 the world's developed countries.
11392 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11396 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11398 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11399 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11404 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11406 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11407 If the check is truly in the mail,
11408 it is surely made out to someone else.
11411 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11413 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11414 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11415 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11416 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11419 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11420 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11421 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11422 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11424 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11425 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11426 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11427 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11429 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11430 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11432 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11433 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11434 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11435 piece would be better known as:
11436 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11438 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11439 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11440 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11442 Art is a jealous mistress.
11443 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11445 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11448 Art is anything you can get away with.
11449 -- Marshall McLuhan.
11451 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11454 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11457 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11458 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11460 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11462 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11463 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11464 remind them of someone else.
11465 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11466 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11467 of yourself in person.
11470 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11471 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11472 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11473 Article the Fourth:
11474 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11475 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11476 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11478 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11479 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11480 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11481 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11482 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11484 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11485 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11488 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11490 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11492 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11493 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11494 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11495 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11496 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11498 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11499 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11500 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11503 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11504 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11505 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11507 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11508 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11509 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11510 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11512 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11513 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11514 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11515 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11517 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11518 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11520 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11521 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11522 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11525 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11526 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11529 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11532 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11533 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11535 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11536 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11537 -- Frederic Reynolds
11539 As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11540 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11543 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11545 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11548 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11549 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11550 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11551 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11552 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11553 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11554 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11555 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11556 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11559 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11560 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11563 As I thought, no better from this side.
11566 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11567 Feeling worse and worser,
11568 There I met a C.R.T.
11569 And it drop't me a cursor.
11572 Phosphors light on you!
11573 If I had fifty hours a day
11574 I'd spend them all at you.
11575 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11577 As I was passing Project MAC,
11578 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11579 Every hack had seven bugs;
11580 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11581 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11582 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11583 How many losses at Project MAC?
11585 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11586 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11587 The words were torn and tattered,
11588 From the storm the night before,
11589 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11591 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11592 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11593 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11594 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11596 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11597 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11598 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11599 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11601 As in certain cults it is possible to
11602 kill a process if you know its true name.
11603 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11605 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11606 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11607 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11608 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11609 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11610 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11611 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11612 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11613 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11614 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11615 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11616 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11617 on the austerity of the word.
11618 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11620 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11621 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11622 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11623 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11625 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11627 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11629 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11630 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11631 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11633 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11634 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11635 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11637 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11638 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11639 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11641 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11643 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11644 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11645 3. Some people never look at me.
11646 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11647 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11648 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11649 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11650 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11651 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11652 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11653 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11654 12. I cannot read or write.
11655 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11656 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11657 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11658 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11659 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11660 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11661 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11662 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11664 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11665 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11666 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11668 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11670 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11671 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11673 4. I like mannish children.
11674 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11675 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11676 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11677 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11678 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11679 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11680 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11682 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11683 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11684 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11685 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11686 16. My eyes are always cold.
11687 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11688 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11689 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11690 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11692 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11693 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11694 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11695 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11696 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11697 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11698 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11699 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11700 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11702 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11703 Please update your programs.
11705 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11706 Please update your programs.
11708 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11710 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11711 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11713 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11715 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11716 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11717 Keywords: C sources
11720 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11721 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11722 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11723 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11725 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11726 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11727 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11730 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11731 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11732 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11733 conversion to a new computer system.
11735 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11736 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11737 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11738 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11739 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11741 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11742 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11743 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11744 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11746 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11748 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11749 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11752 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11753 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11754 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11755 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11756 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11757 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11758 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11760 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11761 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11762 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11764 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11765 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11766 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11767 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11769 -- Benjamin Franklin
11771 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11772 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11774 As Will Rogers would have said,
11775 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11777 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11778 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11779 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11780 proper time for chocolate.
11781 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11783 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11784 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11787 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11788 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11789 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11790 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11791 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11792 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11793 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11794 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11795 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11796 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11797 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11798 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11799 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11802 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11803 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11804 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11805 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11806 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11807 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11808 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11809 spider is suing you for damages.
11811 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11812 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11814 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11817 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11818 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11819 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11823 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11825 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11827 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11828 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11830 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11831 one went to Harvard).
11832 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11834 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11835 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11838 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11840 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11841 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11843 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11846 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11849 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11850 -- John Stuart Mill
11852 "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
11853 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
11854 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
11857 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11858 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11859 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11860 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11861 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11862 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11863 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11864 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11865 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11866 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11867 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11868 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11869 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11870 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11871 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11872 -- Garrison Keillor
11874 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11875 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11876 -- Christopher Hampton
11879 The masculine of "lass".
11881 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11882 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11885 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11886 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11887 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11888 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11891 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11893 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11894 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11896 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11897 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11898 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11899 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11900 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11901 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11902 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11903 a computer problem?"
11904 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11905 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11906 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11907 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11908 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11909 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11910 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11912 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11914 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11915 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11916 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11917 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11919 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11920 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11921 ignorance upon the shore.
11924 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11925 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11926 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11927 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11929 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11930 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11931 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11932 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11933 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11934 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11935 function as a normal person.
11937 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11938 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11943 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11944 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11945 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11947 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11949 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11950 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11951 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11953 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11954 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11957 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11960 "At least they're ___________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents"
11962 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11963 thumb with a hammer.
11964 -- Marshall Lumsden
11966 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11967 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11968 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11969 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11970 after fact and reason.
11973 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11974 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11977 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11978 and no further activities are scheduled.
11980 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11981 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11982 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11983 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11985 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11986 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11987 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11988 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11989 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11990 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11991 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11993 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11995 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11996 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11997 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11998 room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11999 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12000 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12001 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12002 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12004 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12005 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12006 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12007 guess who's going to die soon!"
12009 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
12010 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
12012 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12013 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12015 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12016 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12019 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12020 number of pens that person is carrying.
12022 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12025 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12027 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12030 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12031 -- Winston Churchill
12033 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12034 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12035 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12036 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12037 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12038 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12041 A gyp off the old block.
12043 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12047 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12049 Auribus teneo lupum.
12050 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12053 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12055 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12056 depths they were once able to plumb.
12059 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12060 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12063 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
12068 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12070 Avoid cliches like the plague.
12071 They're a dime a dozen.
12073 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12075 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12076 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12078 Avoid reality at all costs.
12080 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12081 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12082 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12084 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12086 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12087 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12088 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12089 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12091 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12092 bad fiction contest.
12094 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12095 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12098 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
12099 as an excuse for getting drunk.
12100 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12103 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12106 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12108 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12109 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12110 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12111 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12112 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12113 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12114 Business before pleasure."
12116 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12117 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12118 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12119 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12120 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12121 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12122 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12123 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12124 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12125 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12126 never really caught on.
12128 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12129 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12131 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12132 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12134 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12136 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12138 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12139 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12143 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12144 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12145 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12146 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12147 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12150 Bagdikian's Observation:
12151 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
12152 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
12154 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12155 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12157 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12158 A block grant is a solid mass of money
12159 surrounded on all sides by governors.
12164 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12168 Fear of being buried alive.
12177 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12179 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12181 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12182 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12183 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12186 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12187 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12189 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12192 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
12194 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12195 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12196 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12197 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12198 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12200 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12201 floor -- especially in the dark.
12204 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12207 An ingenious instrument which indicates
12208 what kind of weather we are having.
12209 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12211 Barth's Distinction:
12212 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12213 types, and those who don't.
12215 Baruch's Observation:
12216 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12218 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12221 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
12224 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12225 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12227 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12228 (2) Advising the President.
12229 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12232 Basic Definitions of Science:
12233 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12234 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12235 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12237 Basic is a high level languish.
12238 APL is a high level anguish.
12240 "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
12242 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12246 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12247 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12249 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12250 come in and sink my boats.
12254 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12255 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12256 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12258 Batteries not included.
12261 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12262 will not yield to the tongue.
12265 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12266 will beat a psychopath to your door.
12268 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12270 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
12272 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12273 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12275 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12277 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12280 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12282 Be careful! Is it classified?
12284 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12286 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12287 situations that can't bear inspection.
12289 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12292 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12293 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12295 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12297 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12300 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12302 Be cheerful while you are alive.
12303 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12305 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12306 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12309 Be different: conform.
12311 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12312 the issue afterwards.
12314 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12315 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12317 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12320 Insult a rich relative today.
12322 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12323 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12325 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12328 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12329 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12331 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12333 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12334 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12336 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12337 and original in your work.
12340 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12342 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12345 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12347 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12349 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12350 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12353 Beam me up, Scotty!
12355 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12357 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12359 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12362 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12364 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12366 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12368 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12371 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12372 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12375 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12379 Because I do not hope,
12380 Because I do not hope to survive
12381 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12382 Because I do, only do,
12386 Because the wine remembers.
12388 Because we don't think about future generations,
12389 they will never forget us.
12393 What did you bring back for me?
12395 Been Transferred Lately?
12397 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12399 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12401 Bees are very busy souls
12402 They have no time for birth controls
12403 And that is why in times like these
12404 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12406 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12407 -- Addison H. Hallock
12409 Before destruction a man's heart is
12410 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12413 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12414 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12415 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12416 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12417 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12421 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12423 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12424 they are "Let's eat out."
12426 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12427 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12429 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12431 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12433 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12434 you really want to know the answers.
12435 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12438 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12439 you won't have to watch commercials.
12441 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12442 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12444 Beggars should be no choosers.
12447 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12449 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12451 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12453 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12454 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12455 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12459 Behold the unborn foetus and
12460 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12461 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12462 An enemy civilian).
12464 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12465 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12467 Beifeld's Principle:
12468 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12469 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12470 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12471 looking and richer male friend.
12473 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12475 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12476 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12477 opposite applies with the judges.
12478 -- Beyond the Fringe
12480 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12481 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12484 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12485 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12486 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12487 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12488 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12490 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12491 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12492 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12493 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12495 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12497 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12498 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12500 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12501 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12504 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12505 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12508 Being owned by someone used to be called
12509 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12511 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12513 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
12514 different from being stoned on gin.
12517 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12518 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12519 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12521 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12524 Something you do not believe.
12526 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12530 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12532 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12535 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12536 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12537 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12538 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12540 "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
12544 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12546 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12547 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12549 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12550 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12553 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12554 none of his friends like him either.
12557 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12558 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12559 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12560 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12561 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12562 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12563 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12564 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12565 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12566 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12567 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12568 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12569 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12570 "The test or the room?"
12571 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12572 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12573 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12574 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12575 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12577 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12580 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12581 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12582 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12584 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12586 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12588 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12589 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12591 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12594 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12595 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12596 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12597 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12600 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12601 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12603 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12604 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12605 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12606 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12607 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12608 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12609 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12610 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12612 Best Mistakes In Films
12613 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12614 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12616 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12617 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12618 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12619 with television aerials.
12620 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12621 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12623 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12624 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12625 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12627 Best of all is never to have been born.
12628 Second best is to die soon.
12631 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12632 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12633 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12635 Better by far you should forget and
12636 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12637 -- Christina Rossetti
12639 Better dead than mellow.
12641 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12642 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12644 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12646 Better late than never.
12647 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12649 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12654 santa claus <north pole >town
12656 cat /etc/passwd >list
12659 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12660 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12661 santa claus <north pole > town
12663 who | grep sleeping
12665 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12666 for (goodness sake) {
12670 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12671 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12672 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12674 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12676 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12677 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12679 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12681 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12684 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12685 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12686 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12687 pushing boulders into a single word.
12688 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12689 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12690 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12691 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12692 Parliament and Party.
12693 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12694 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12695 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
12697 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12699 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12707 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12709 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12710 referring to system service dispatching.]
12712 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12714 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12716 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12718 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12720 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12721 a new wearer of clothes.
12722 -- Henry David Thoreau
12726 "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12730 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12732 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12734 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12736 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12738 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12739 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12740 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12743 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12744 -- Leonard Brandwein
12746 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12747 drip under pressure.
12749 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12750 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12751 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12753 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12755 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
12756 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
12757 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
12758 their ignorance the hard way."
12759 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
12761 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12762 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12764 Beware the new TTY code!
12766 Beware the one behind you.
12769 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12771 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12772 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12773 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12774 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12776 Big book, big bore.
12779 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12780 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12783 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12785 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12788 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12790 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12791 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
12793 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12794 generation to generation?
12796 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12799 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12801 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12802 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12803 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12806 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12808 Biology grows on you.
12810 Biology is the only science in which
12811 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12814 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12817 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12818 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12819 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12821 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12824 The first and direst of all disasters.
12825 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12827 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12829 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12830 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12831 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12832 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12833 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12834 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12835 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12838 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12839 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12840 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12843 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12844 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12845 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12849 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12852 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12854 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12856 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12857 are involved in when they burn stores.
12860 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12861 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12862 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12863 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12865 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12866 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12867 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12868 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12872 That's an empty wish.
12873 Just dump them together
12874 And leave them alone,
12875 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12876 -- To My Favorite Things
12878 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12879 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12880 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12881 She wants to hit those bricks,
12882 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12883 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12884 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12885 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12886 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12887 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12889 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12891 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12892 get the better even of their blunders.
12895 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12897 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12900 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12902 -- James Russell Lowell
12904 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12905 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12907 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12910 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12913 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12914 for he shall enjoy living.
12917 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12918 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12921 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12927 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12928 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12929 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12931 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12933 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12935 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12936 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12939 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12942 Blow it out your ear.
12945 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12948 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12950 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
12951 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
12952 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
12953 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
12954 throwing up on them.
12956 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12958 Boling's postulate:
12959 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12961 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12962 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12963 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12965 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12966 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12968 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12969 seemed to come from Texas.
12970 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12972 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12975 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12977 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12980 You always find something in the last place you look.
12983 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12986 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12990 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12991 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12994 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12995 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12996 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12999 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
13000 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13001 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13005 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13008 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13009 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13011 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13012 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13013 straightened out for a crowbar.
13016 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13017 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13018 on the same communications line connection.
13019 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13021 Boucher's Observation:
13022 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13023 several octaves higher than originally written.
13025 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13029 Talent goes where the action is.
13032 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13036 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13037 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13038 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13039 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13040 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13041 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13042 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13044 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13045 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13047 Boy, life takes a long time to live
13051 A noise with dirt on it.
13053 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13055 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13057 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13058 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13061 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13064 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13065 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13066 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13067 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13068 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13069 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13070 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13071 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13072 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13073 which is all the time.
13074 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13076 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13077 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13078 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13079 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13080 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13084 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
13085 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
13087 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13088 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13089 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
13090 have handled this?"
13092 Brain fried -- core dumped
13095 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13096 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13098 brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
13099 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
13100 of error in an opponent.
13101 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13103 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13104 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13106 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13107 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13108 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13109 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13111 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13112 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13113 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13114 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13115 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13116 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13117 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13118 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13119 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13120 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13121 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13122 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13123 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13124 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13126 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13129 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13132 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13134 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13135 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13136 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13138 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13139 Watch lights fade from every room.
13140 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13141 another day's useless energies spent.
13143 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13144 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13145 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13146 Senior citizens wish they were young.
13148 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13149 Removes the colors from our sight.
13150 Red is grey and yellow white.
13151 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13152 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13154 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13157 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13160 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13163 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13165 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13166 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13167 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13168 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13169 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13170 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13171 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13172 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13173 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13174 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13175 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13176 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13177 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13180 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13181 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13182 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13183 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13185 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13186 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13187 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13188 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13189 -- "The Jabberwock"
13191 Bringing computers into the home won't change
13192 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
13194 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13195 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13196 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13197 brusque, your character.
13200 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13201 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13204 British Israelites:
13205 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
13206 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
13207 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
13208 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
13209 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
13210 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
13211 and take all your teeth.
13212 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13214 broad-mindedness, n:
13215 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13218 People tend to congregate in the back
13219 of the church and the front of the bus.
13222 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13224 Brontosaurus Principle:
13225 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13226 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13227 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13228 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13231 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13232 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
13233 expands it beyond recognition.
13236 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13239 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13240 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13241 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13243 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13244 (of one of the two other meanings).
13245 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13246 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13247 reviews just done in his spirit.
13249 BS: You remind me of a man.
13251 BS: The man with the power.
13253 BS: The power of voodoo.
13257 BS: Remind me of a man.
13259 BS: The man with the power...
13260 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13263 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13264 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13266 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13269 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13272 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13273 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13276 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13280 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13281 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
13282 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13283 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13286 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13289 Building translators is good clean fun.
13292 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13294 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13295 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13299 All the parts falling off this car are
13300 of the very finest British manufacture.
13302 Bunker's Admonition:
13303 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13306 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13307 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13308 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
13310 Bureau Termination, Law of:
13311 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13312 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13313 12 months after the decision is made.
13316 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13319 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13323 A politician who has tenure.
13325 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13327 Burke's Postulates:
13328 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13329 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13331 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13332 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13334 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13335 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13336 perfectly balanced.
13337 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13340 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13343 Bus error -- driver executed.
13345 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13347 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13349 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13350 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13351 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13353 Business will be either better or worse.
13356 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13358 "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13361 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13362 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13364 But has any little atom,
13365 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13366 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13369 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13372 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13373 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13374 kill more than I could eat.
13377 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13379 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13380 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13381 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13382 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13383 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13385 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13386 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13387 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13388 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13389 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13390 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13391 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13392 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13393 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13394 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13395 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13396 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13398 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13400 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13401 nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13402 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13404 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13405 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13406 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13408 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13413 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13415 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13416 In proving foresight may be vain:
13417 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13419 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13421 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13423 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13425 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13427 "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13428 to the nearest gas station."
13430 But scientists, who ought to know
13431 Assure us that it must be so.
13432 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13433 What nobody is sure about.
13436 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13438 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13439 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13442 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13443 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13444 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13445 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13447 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13448 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13449 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13450 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13451 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13452 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13453 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13454 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13455 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13456 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13457 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13459 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13460 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13461 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13462 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13463 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13464 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13466 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13468 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13469 I've been taking them for years.
13471 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13472 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13473 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13474 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13475 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13476 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13478 "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13481 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13482 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13484 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13485 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13486 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13487 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13489 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13490 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13491 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13492 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13493 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13494 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13495 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13496 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13497 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13498 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13499 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13500 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13501 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13502 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13505 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13507 By doing just a little every day, you can
13508 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13510 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13512 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13513 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13514 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13517 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13518 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13521 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13522 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13523 as it is to invent.
13525 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13526 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13527 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13528 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13530 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13531 -- Charles Spurgeon
13533 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13534 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13536 "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13537 to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
13538 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13540 By the time you swear you're his,
13541 shivering and sighing
13542 and he vows his passion is
13543 infinite, undying --
13544 Lady, make a note of this:
13545 One of you is lying.
13546 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13548 By the yard, life is hard.
13549 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13551 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13552 Another man's, I mean.
13555 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13556 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13560 Believing Your Own Bull
13562 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13563 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13564 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13565 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13566 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13567 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
13568 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13570 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13572 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13573 carefully print the chaff.
13584 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13586 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13587 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13588 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13591 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13592 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13593 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13598 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13600 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13602 "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
13603 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13606 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13607 is supposed to know is there.
13609 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13613 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13614 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13615 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13618 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13619 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13622 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13625 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13626 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13628 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13631 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13632 referring to logical names.]
13634 "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
13635 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
13637 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13638 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13640 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13641 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13642 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13643 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13645 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13646 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13647 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13649 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13650 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13652 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13653 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13657 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13659 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13661 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13665 Can anyone remember when the times
13666 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13668 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13669 Yes, work never begun.
13671 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13672 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13673 -- Robert J. Ringer
13675 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13676 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13678 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13679 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13681 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13682 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13683 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13685 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13686 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13687 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13688 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13689 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13691 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13692 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13693 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13694 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13695 when you're poor and unhappy.
13697 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13698 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13699 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13700 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13701 recipients are Cancer people.
13704 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13705 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13706 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13707 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13708 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13709 fashion without thinking.
13710 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13711 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13712 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13714 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13715 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
13716 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13718 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13720 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
13722 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13723 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13724 -- John Maynard Keynes
13726 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13727 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13728 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13729 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13730 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13731 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13733 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13734 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13735 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13736 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13738 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13739 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13740 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13741 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13742 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13744 Captain Penny's Law:
13745 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13746 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13748 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13750 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13751 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13752 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13755 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13756 trousers that don't match.
13758 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13759 the name Craney incorrectly.
13762 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13763 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13764 the same can be said of dirt.
13766 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13767 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13768 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
13769 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13770 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13772 Carson's Consolation:
13773 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13774 It can always be used as a bad example.
13776 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13777 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13779 Carswell's Corollary:
13780 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13781 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13784 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13786 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13789 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13792 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13794 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13795 -- Garrison Keillor
13797 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13798 a sled through the snow.
13800 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13802 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13803 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13805 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13807 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13809 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13811 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13813 Cecil, you're my final hope
13814 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13815 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13816 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13817 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13818 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13819 What I don't understand is just why he
13820 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13821 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13822 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13823 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13824 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13825 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13826 Then I will *___
\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13827 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13828 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13830 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13832 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13833 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13834 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13835 -- Kelvin Throop III
13837 Census Taker to Housewife:
13838 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13840 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13842 cerebral atrophy, n:
13843 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13844 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13845 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13846 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13847 everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13848 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13849 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13851 cerebral darwinism, n:
13852 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13853 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13854 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13855 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13856 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13857 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13858 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13859 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13861 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13862 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13863 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13866 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13867 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13869 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13870 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13871 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13872 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13873 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13874 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13875 others who have tried it.
13876 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13879 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13880 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13881 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13882 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13883 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13884 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13885 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13886 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
13888 Certainly the game is rigged.
13889 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13890 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13892 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13893 But it's very funny --
13894 did you ever try buying them without money?
13897 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13899 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13900 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13902 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13905 Chairman of the Bored.
13907 Chamberlain's Laws:
13908 1: The big guys always win.
13909 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13911 Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
13912 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
13915 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13918 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13920 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13923 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13925 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13927 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13928 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13929 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13930 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13931 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13932 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13933 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13936 character density, n.:
13937 The number of very weird people in the office.
13939 Character is what you are in the dark!
13940 -- Lord John Whorfin
13943 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13945 Charity begins at home.
13946 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13948 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13949 Linus: To make others happy.
13950 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13952 Charlie was a chemist,
13953 But Charlie is no more.
13954 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13956 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13957 without having asked any clear question.
13959 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13961 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13962 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13965 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13966 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13968 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13970 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13971 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13974 Any cook who swears in French.
13977 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13978 the next time he's in need.
13981 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13983 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13985 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13987 Chemistry is applied theology.
13988 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13990 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13993 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13995 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
13996 which way I ought to go from here?"
13997 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
13998 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
13999 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14003 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14006 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14008 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14009 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14010 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14011 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14013 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14014 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14015 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14016 cheerfully baste you.
14017 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14019 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14020 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14022 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14024 Chicken Little was right.
14027 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14028 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
14029 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14033 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14034 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14035 is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14036 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14038 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14039 shivers when it's warm.
14041 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14042 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14044 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14045 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14047 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14048 going to catch you in next.
14049 -- Franklin P. Jones
14051 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14052 And that's what parents were created for.
14055 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14056 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14059 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14060 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14062 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14063 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14065 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14067 Chism's Law of Completion:
14068 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14069 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14071 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14072 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14074 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14075 Roger the thief has a
14078 Folks who are reading are
14080 Always Forgetting to
14081 Guard their own bac ...
14085 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14086 a friend if she were a man.
14090 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14091 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14092 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14093 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14094 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14095 And we begged her not to go.
14096 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14097 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14098 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14099 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14100 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14101 He's been taking this so well.
14102 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14103 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14104 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14105 They should never give a license,
14106 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14108 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14111 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14113 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14115 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
14116 difficult and not tried.
14117 -- G. K. Chesterton
14119 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14120 -- George Bernard Shaw
14122 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14123 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14124 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14125 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14127 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14128 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14129 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14130 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14132 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14133 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14134 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14135 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14136 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14137 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14138 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14139 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14140 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14143 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14144 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
14145 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14148 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14152 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14153 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14154 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14156 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14159 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14162 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14163 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14165 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14169 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14170 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14173 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14174 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14177 Clarke's Conclusion:
14178 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14180 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14181 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14184 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14185 leading the parade.
14188 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14189 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14192 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14194 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
14195 the walk before it stops snowing.
14198 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
14199 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
14202 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14205 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14208 Where their last tornado did six
14209 million dollars worth of improvements.
14211 Cleveland still lives. God ____
\b\b\b\bmust be dead.
14214 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14216 Climate and Surgery
14217 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14218 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14219 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14220 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14221 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14222 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14223 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14225 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14226 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14228 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14229 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14230 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14231 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14232 please?" it asked the bartender.
14233 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14234 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14235 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14238 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14239 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14240 is a clone of our product."
14242 Clones are people two.
14244 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14246 Clothes make the man.
14247 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14250 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14251 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14252 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14253 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14255 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14256 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14257 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14259 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14260 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14261 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14263 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14264 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14265 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14267 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14268 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14269 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14271 Sam: What's up, Norm?
14272 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14273 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14275 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14276 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14277 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14279 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14280 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14281 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14283 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14284 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14285 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14287 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14288 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14289 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14290 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14291 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14292 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14294 Coach: What's up, Norm?
14295 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14296 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14298 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14299 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14300 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14302 Coach: Beer, Normie?
14303 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14304 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14305 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14308 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14311 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14313 COBOL is for morons.
14314 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14316 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
14318 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14320 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
14323 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14324 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14326 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14327 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14328 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14330 "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
14334 There is no bottom to worse.
14337 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14338 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14339 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14342 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14345 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14346 -- G. K. Chesterton
14349 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14352 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14355 Cold hands, no gloves.
14358 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14361 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14362 other fellow can spell.
14365 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14367 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14368 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14369 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14370 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14375 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14377 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14379 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14381 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14382 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14383 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14384 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14385 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14386 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14387 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14388 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14389 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14390 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14392 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14393 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14394 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14395 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14396 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14397 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14398 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14400 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14401 All probabilities are 50%.
14402 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14404 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14405 This is especially true when
14406 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14408 Grelb's Commentary:
14409 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14411 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14412 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14413 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14414 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14415 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14417 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14418 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14419 The bird of time has but a little way
14420 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14424 -- George McGovern, 1972
14426 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14427 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14428 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14430 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14431 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14432 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14433 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14434 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14436 Come live with me, and be my love,
14437 And we will some new pleasures prove
14438 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14439 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14442 Come live with me and be my love,
14443 And we will some new pleasures prove
14444 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14445 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14446 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14447 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14449 You live with me, and I with you,
14450 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14451 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14452 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14454 And everything we will confess;
14455 Yes, even to the IRS.
14456 Some day on what we both may earn,
14457 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14458 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14459 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14460 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14461 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14463 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14464 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14466 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14467 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
14470 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14471 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14472 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14473 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14474 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14475 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14476 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14477 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14478 Wherever in your sightless substances
14479 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14480 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14481 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14482 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14483 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14486 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14488 Coming to Stores Near You:
14490 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14492 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14493 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14494 I'm Not Misbehaving
14496 And A Whole Lot More...
14498 Coming together is a beginning;
14499 keeping together is progress;
14500 working together is success.
14503 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14504 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14506 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14507 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14510 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14511 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14514 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14515 decide that nothing can be done.
14519 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14520 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14521 stamps you as being wise.
14522 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14524 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14525 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14526 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14528 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14529 be appointed to do the work.
14531 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14532 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14535 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14538 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14541 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14542 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14545 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14546 1) No action is without side-effects.
14547 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14548 3) There is no free lunch.
14550 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14552 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14553 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14556 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14557 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14558 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14559 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14560 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14561 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14562 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14565 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14566 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14569 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14570 is in the eye of the beholder.
14571 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14573 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14574 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14579 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14582 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14585 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14586 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14587 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14590 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14591 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14592 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14594 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14596 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14598 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14601 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14602 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14603 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14604 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14605 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14606 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14607 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14609 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14611 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14613 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14614 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14617 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14619 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14620 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14623 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14626 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14627 the world that just don't add up.
14629 Computers don't actually think.
14630 You just think they think.
14633 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14634 than the estimate the job will cost.
14636 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14637 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14640 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14643 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14644 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14645 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14647 Condense soup, not books!
14650 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14651 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14652 he's already decided to do.
14654 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14655 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14658 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14660 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14661 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14664 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14666 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14668 Confidant, confidante, n:
14669 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14672 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14673 fall flag on your face.
14676 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14678 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14679 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14681 Conflicting research paradigms
14682 Have legitimized various crimes.
14683 The worst we can see
14685 Measuring reaction times.
14687 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14689 Confucius say too damn much!
14691 Confucius say too much.
14692 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14694 Confusion will be my epitaph
14695 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14696 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14697 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14698 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14700 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14701 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14704 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14705 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14706 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14707 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14708 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14709 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14710 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14711 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14712 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14713 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14714 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14715 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14716 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14718 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14720 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14725 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14726 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14727 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14728 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14729 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14732 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14733 nameless to the development team after releasing
14734 the second version of their product.
14736 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14738 Mathematician's Proof:
14739 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14740 odd numbers are prime.
14742 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14743 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14745 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14746 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14747 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14748 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14750 Connector Conspiracy, n:
14751 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14752 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14753 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14754 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14755 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14758 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14759 governing that is hard.
14760 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14762 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14764 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14767 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14770 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14771 when everything else feels great.
14773 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14774 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14776 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14780 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14781 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14782 never admitted to in the first place.
14784 "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
14785 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14788 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
14792 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14793 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14796 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
14797 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14799 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14800 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14802 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14803 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14804 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14805 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14807 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14808 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14809 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14811 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14812 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14816 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14817 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14818 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14819 Calculator, Will Travel.
14822 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14825 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14826 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14827 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14828 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14832 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14833 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14835 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14836 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14839 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14841 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14842 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14843 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14844 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14845 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14846 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14848 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14849 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14850 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14852 "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14853 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
14855 Convention is the ruler of all.
14858 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14859 but solitude is the school of genius.
14862 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14863 is called the listener.
14866 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14869 This person must be fired.
14871 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14873 -- Raymond Chandler
14876 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14877 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14878 interested in reading them.
14881 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14882 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
14884 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14886 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14890 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14892 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14893 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14897 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14898 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14899 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14902 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14904 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14905 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14906 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14907 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14908 being easier to stake.
14910 Counting in binary is just like counting
14911 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14914 Counting in octal is just like counting
14915 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14918 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14920 Courage is grace under pressure.
14922 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14925 Courage is your greatest present need.
14928 A place where they dispense with justice.
14931 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14932 -- William Congreve
14935 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14936 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14938 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14939 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14940 -- Wernher von Braun
14942 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14944 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14945 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14946 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14947 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14948 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14949 between adequacy and excellence.
14951 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14952 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14953 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14954 say it was obvious all along.
14955 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14957 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14959 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14960 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14962 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14966 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14968 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14969 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14970 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14971 regardless of your formal duties.
14973 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14977 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14979 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14981 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14984 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14985 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14988 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14989 -- Socrates' last words
14992 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14995 The amount of work done varies inversely
14996 with the time spent in the office.
14998 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15001 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15002 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15003 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15004 much work has already been done on it.
15006 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15008 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15012 Cthulhu for President!
15013 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15015 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15017 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15019 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15023 One whose program will not run.
15028 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15030 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15032 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15033 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15034 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15035 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15036 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15037 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15038 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15039 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15040 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15041 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15042 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15043 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15044 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15048 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15049 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15050 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15051 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15053 Custer committed Siouxicide.
15055 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15056 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15059 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15063 Cutler Webster's Law:
15064 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15065 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15067 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15068 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15069 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
15076 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15077 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15078 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15079 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15082 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
15085 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15086 several of us died of tuberculosis.
15089 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
15092 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
15093 it lacks is a decent editor
15096 The city that chose Astroturf to
15097 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15099 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15101 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15103 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15106 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15108 Damn, I need a Coke!
15109 -- Dr. William DeVries
15110 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15112 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15115 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15117 Dark and lonely on a summer night
15120 The watchdog barkin'
15124 Slip in his window.
15126 Then his house I start to wreck
15131 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15132 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15134 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15135 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15138 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15139 -- Princess Leia Organa
15141 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15144 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15147 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15148 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15150 Data is not information;
15151 Information is not knowledge;
15152 Knowledge is not wisdom;
15155 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15156 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15158 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15160 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15161 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15162 * Hourly motel rates
15163 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15164 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15165 like some countries we could mention
15166 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15167 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15168 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15170 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15171 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15172 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15175 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15178 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15179 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15181 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15183 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15184 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15187 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15189 Dealing with failure is easy:
15190 Work hard to improve.
15191 Success is also easy to handle:
15192 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15194 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15195 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15199 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15203 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15204 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15205 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15206 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15207 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15208 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15209 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15210 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15212 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15215 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15216 summarize. What should I do?
15220 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15221 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15222 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15223 summarizing a vote.
15224 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15227 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15232 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15233 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15234 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15236 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15239 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15244 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15245 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15246 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15247 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15248 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15249 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15252 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15253 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15254 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15255 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15256 -- A Concerned Citizen
15259 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15260 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15261 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15262 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15263 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15265 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15266 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15267 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15268 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15269 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15270 they are always interested in good stories.
15273 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15274 to. How about an example?
15278 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15279 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15280 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15281 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15282 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15283 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15284 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15285 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15286 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15287 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15288 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15289 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15290 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15291 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15292 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15293 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15294 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15295 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15298 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15303 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15304 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15306 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15307 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15308 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15309 about the signature anyway.
15310 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15312 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15316 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15317 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15318 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15319 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15320 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15322 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15325 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15326 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15327 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15328 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15331 I just want *___
\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15332 the other hand", again.
15334 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15338 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15339 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15340 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15343 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15344 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
15345 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
15346 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
15349 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15353 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15357 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15358 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15359 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15360 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15361 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15362 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15363 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15366 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15367 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15368 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15369 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15370 before making your attack.
15372 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15373 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15374 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15375 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15376 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15377 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15378 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15379 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15380 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15381 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15385 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15387 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15389 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15390 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15391 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15392 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15393 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15394 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15395 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15398 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15403 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15404 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15405 posting it. All others please ignore."
15406 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15407 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15408 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15409 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15410 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15411 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15412 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15413 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15414 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15415 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15416 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15417 so post it as many places as you can.
15418 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15421 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15422 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15423 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15424 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15425 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15427 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15429 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15431 Death before dishonor.
15432 But neither before breakfast.
15434 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15435 He lurks in every flower;
15436 Each season has its own disease,
15437 Its peril -- every hour.
15440 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15442 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15443 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15446 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15448 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15451 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15453 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15455 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15457 Death is only a state of mind.
15459 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15461 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15463 Death to all fanatics!
15466 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15468 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15470 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15471 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15473 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15476 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15477 erra, n: A mistake.
15478 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15479 Linder, n: A female name.
15480 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15481 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15482 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15483 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15484 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15485 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15486 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15487 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15489 Decision maker, n.:
15490 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15491 before the music stopped.
15493 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15494 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15495 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15496 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15497 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15498 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15500 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15501 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15503 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15504 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15507 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15508 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15509 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15510 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15514 The hardware's, of course.
15517 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15518 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15519 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15520 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15522 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15525 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15526 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15527 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15528 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15530 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15532 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15534 Hardware is what you kick;
15535 Software is what you curse.
15537 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15540 (cond ((null c) () )
15542 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15544 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15546 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15548 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15549 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15550 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15551 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15552 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15553 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15555 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15556 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15559 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15560 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15561 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15562 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15563 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15565 Delay is preferable to error.
15566 -- Thomas Jefferson
15568 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15569 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15571 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15572 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15574 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15575 referring to I/O system services.]
15577 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15578 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15579 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15580 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15581 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15582 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15583 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15584 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15585 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15586 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15588 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15589 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15590 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15592 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15595 The act of examining one's bread
15596 to determine which side it is buttered on.
15597 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15599 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15601 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15602 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15603 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15604 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15605 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15606 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15607 steroid-free fitness center.
15608 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
15610 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15611 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15612 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15614 Demand the establishment of the government
15615 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15617 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15618 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15620 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15621 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15623 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15625 -- George Bernard Shaw
15627 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15628 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15631 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15632 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15633 -- George Bernard Shaw
15635 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15638 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15639 will get the blame.
15640 -- Laurence J. Peter
15642 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15643 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15646 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15647 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15649 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15650 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15652 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15653 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15656 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15657 deserve to get it good and hard.
15658 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15660 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15661 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15662 -- Winston Churchill
15665 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15666 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15667 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15668 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15669 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15670 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15671 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15672 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15676 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15679 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15680 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15681 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15682 -- Charles Bukowski
15684 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15685 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15687 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15688 The remainder is thrown out.
15690 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15692 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15693 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15695 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15696 windows by Democrats.
15697 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15699 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15700 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15702 Dental health is next to mental health.
15705 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15706 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15707 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15710 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15712 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15714 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15716 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15718 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15719 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15722 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15724 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15725 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15728 What you regret not doing later on.
15730 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15731 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15733 Despising machines to a man,
15734 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15735 And ride out by night
15736 In a sheeting of white
15737 To lynch all the robots they can.
15738 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15740 Despite all appearances, your boss
15741 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15743 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15744 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15746 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15748 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15749 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15750 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15752 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15755 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15756 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15758 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15759 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15762 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15763 Some do, some don't.
15765 Did I say 2? I lied.
15767 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15768 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15770 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15772 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15773 has already been born?
15776 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15777 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15780 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15782 Did you hear about the model who sat
15783 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15785 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15786 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15788 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15790 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15795 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15796 only recaptured 116 of them?
15799 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15801 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15804 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15805 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15806 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15808 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15811 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15812 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15813 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15814 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15816 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15818 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15819 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15820 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15821 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15822 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15823 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15825 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15826 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15828 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15831 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15832 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15834 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15835 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15837 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15842 Did you know the University of Iowa
15843 closed down after someone stole the book?
15847 That no-one ever reads these things?
15849 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15850 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15851 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15852 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15855 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
15857 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15858 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15859 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15862 To stop sinning suddenly.
15865 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15866 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15868 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15870 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15872 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15875 Dignity is like a flag.
15876 It flaps in a storm.
15881 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15882 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15883 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15885 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15887 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15888 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15889 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15892 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15894 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15895 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15897 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15898 asked him, after a few days.
15899 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15901 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15902 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15903 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15905 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15908 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15911 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15917 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15921 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15922 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15925 As distinguished from some other bar.
15927 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15929 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15930 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15931 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15932 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15933 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15934 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15935 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15936 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15938 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15943 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15944 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15946 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15948 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15950 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15953 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15956 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15958 Disks travel in packs.
15960 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15961 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15963 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15964 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15967 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15970 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15971 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15973 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15974 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15975 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15977 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15978 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15979 -- Lord Chesterfield
15981 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15983 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15986 Do clones have navels?
15988 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15991 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15993 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15995 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15997 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15999 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16001 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16003 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16006 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16007 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16008 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16009 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16010 of them ever committed suicide.
16011 -- Henry David Thoreau
16013 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16014 Their tastes may not be the same.
16015 -- George Bernard Shaw
16017 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
16019 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16022 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
16024 "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16027 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16028 for they become soggy and hard to light.
16030 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16031 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16033 Do not overtax your powers.
16035 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16036 Violators will be prosecuted.
16037 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16039 Do not seek death; death will find you.
16040 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16041 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16043 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16045 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16047 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16049 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
16050 learn to dread each day as it comes.
16053 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16055 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16057 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16059 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16061 Do not worry about which side your
16062 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16064 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16066 Do, or do not; there is no try.
16068 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16070 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16072 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16074 Do unto others before they undo you.
16076 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16078 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16079 -- Aleister Crowley
16081 Do what you can to prolong your life,
16082 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16084 Do you believe in intuition?
16085 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16087 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16088 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16089 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16090 Can you see your neck?
16091 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16092 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16093 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16094 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16097 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16099 Do you have lysdexia?
16101 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16103 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16104 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16105 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16106 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16107 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16108 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16112 Do you know Montana?
16114 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16115 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16118 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16119 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16122 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16123 between Nixon and the White House.
16124 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16126 Do you suffer painful elimination?
16127 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16129 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16130 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16132 Do you suffer painful illumination?
16133 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16135 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16136 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16138 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16140 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16141 just whipped out a quarter?
16144 "Do you think there's a God?"
16145 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16146 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16148 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16149 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16151 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16152 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16153 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16154 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16155 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16156 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16158 Do your otters do the shimmy?
16159 Do they like to shake their tails?
16160 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16161 Is your garden full of snails?
16163 Do your part to help preserve life on
16164 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16166 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16167 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16168 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16171 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16174 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16175 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16178 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16179 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16181 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16182 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16183 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16184 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16185 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16187 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16189 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16191 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16192 and the rest of us.
16194 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16196 Doing gets it done.
16199 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
16201 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16202 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
16203 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16204 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16205 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
16206 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
16207 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16209 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16211 Don't abandon hope.
16212 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16214 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16217 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16218 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16219 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16220 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16222 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
16225 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16227 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16229 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16231 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16233 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
16235 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16238 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16240 Don't confuse things that need action
16241 with those that take care of themselves.
16243 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16245 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16246 -- Firesign Theatre
16248 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16250 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16253 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16254 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16256 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16258 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16259 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16261 Don't eat yellow snow.
16263 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16265 Don't everyone thank me at once!
16268 Don't expect people to keep in step--
16269 it's hard enough just staying in line.
16271 Don't feed the bats tonight.
16273 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16276 Don't get even, get odd.
16278 Don't get mad, get even.
16279 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16281 Don't get even, get jewelry.
16284 Don't get mad, get interest.
16286 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16288 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
16289 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
16292 Don't get to bragging.
16294 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
16295 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
16298 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16300 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16303 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16305 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16307 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16309 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16311 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16315 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16317 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16318 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16320 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16322 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16324 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16326 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16327 Probably soon after she throws me out.
16329 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16330 until you have hold of something else.
16331 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16333 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16334 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16335 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16336 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16337 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16338 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16339 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16341 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16343 Don't let your status become too quo!
16345 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16347 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16349 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16355 Your brains are in it.
16358 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16360 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16361 -- Scottish Proverb
16363 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16365 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16366 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16368 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16369 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16371 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16372 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16374 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16375 lock the door and throw away the key.
16377 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16379 Don't read everything you believe.
16381 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16383 Don't remember what you can infer.
16386 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16387 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16389 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16391 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16392 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16394 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16396 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16398 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16400 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16404 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16406 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16409 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16412 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16413 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16415 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16417 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16420 Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16422 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16423 sodomy and the lash.
16424 -- Winston Churchill
16426 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16428 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16431 "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16434 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16435 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16436 -- Watchman Examiner
16438 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16440 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16443 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16444 with my breakfast cereal.
16445 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16447 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16449 Don't wake me up too soon...
16450 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16453 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16454 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16456 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16458 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16460 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16462 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16463 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16466 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16467 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16470 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16473 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16474 you can always take something for it.
16476 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16477 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16479 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16481 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16483 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16484 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16485 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16486 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16488 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16489 want to help you could agree with each other?
16491 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16493 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16494 you through times of no dope.
16497 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16498 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16499 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16500 -- The Wizard of Oz
16504 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16505 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16506 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16507 Control and meta, side by side,
16508 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16509 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16511 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16512 Had a couple of bits more!
16513 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16515 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16516 OR'd together, outta sight!
16517 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16518 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16519 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16520 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16521 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16522 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16524 double-blind Experiment, n:
16525 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16526 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16527 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16529 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16532 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16535 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16536 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
16538 Down to the Banana Republics,
16539 Down to the tropical sun.
16540 Go the expatriated Americans,
16541 Hoping to find some fun.
16542 Some of them go for the sailing,
16543 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16544 Trying to find what is ailing,
16545 Living in the land of the free.
16546 Some of them are running from lovers,
16547 Leaving no forward address.
16548 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16549 Some are running from the IRS.
16550 Late at night you will find them,
16551 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16552 Hustling the senoritas,
16553 While they dance beneath the stars.
16554 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16556 Down with the categorical imperative!
16559 In a hierarchical organization,
16560 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16562 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16563 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16564 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16565 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16567 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16569 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16571 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16572 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16573 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16574 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16576 Here's how the diet works:
16579 First Month: One egg
16580 Second Month: A raisin
16581 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16583 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16584 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16586 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16589 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16591 Draft beer, not people.
16593 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16594 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16595 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16597 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16599 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16601 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16603 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16604 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16605 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16607 Drilling for oil is boring.
16609 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16610 Love, the reeling midnight through
16611 For tomorrow we shall die!
16612 (But, alas, we never do.)
16613 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16615 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
16617 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16618 instant motor skills.
16621 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16624 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16625 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16628 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16629 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16630 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16632 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16634 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16635 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16636 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16639 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16640 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16641 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16642 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16643 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16648 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16651 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16655 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16658 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16660 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16665 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16666 yourself as part of the problem.
16668 Ducharme's Precept:
16669 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16673 Ducks? What ducks??
16675 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16676 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16679 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16680 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16682 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16683 fate and captain of your soul.
16685 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16688 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16690 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16691 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16692 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16693 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16696 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16697 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16699 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16701 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16702 perform as president?"
16703 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16706 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16707 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16708 and fly your colors proudly.
16710 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16711 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16712 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16715 What one expects from others.
16718 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16719 nothing whatever to do with it.
16720 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16722 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16723 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
16725 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16732 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16734 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16737 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16738 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16739 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16740 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16741 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16742 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16743 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16744 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16745 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16746 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16747 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16748 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16749 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16750 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16751 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16752 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16754 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16755 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16757 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16758 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16759 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16760 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16762 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16765 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16766 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16767 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16771 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16772 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16774 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16778 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16779 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16780 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16782 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16784 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16785 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16786 21st century aircraft:
16788 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16789 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16790 pilot if he touches anything.
16791 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16793 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16794 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16796 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16797 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16800 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16802 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16804 /earth: file system full.
16806 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16808 Earth is a beta site.
16810 "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
16813 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16814 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16815 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16816 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16817 means the puzzle is solved.
16818 -- Steve Rubenstein
16820 Easy come and easy go,
16821 some call me easy money,
16822 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16823 and sometimes it ain't funny
16824 You may think that I'm a fool
16825 and sometimes that is true,
16826 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16827 with or without you.
16830 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16831 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16833 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16835 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16837 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16839 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16840 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16842 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16844 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16846 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16848 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16850 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16851 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16854 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16855 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16857 Economies of scale:
16858 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16859 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16860 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16861 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16862 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16866 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16867 personality to become an accountant.
16869 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16870 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16873 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16874 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16875 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16877 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16880 Editing is a rewording activity.
16882 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16883 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16884 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16886 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16887 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16888 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16890 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16891 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16893 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16896 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16899 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16900 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16901 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16902 royal-blue chickens.
16903 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16905 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16906 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16908 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16911 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16912 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16913 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16914 the "nog" comes from.
16916 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16919 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16921 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16922 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16925 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16928 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16932 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16933 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16935 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16937 Ehrman's Commentary:
16938 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16939 2. Who said things would get better?
16941 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
16942 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
16944 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16945 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16948 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16949 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16953 Eisenhower was very nice,
16954 Nixon was his only vice.
16957 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16958 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16961 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16962 armrest in a movie theatre.
16963 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16966 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16968 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16969 make the machine do some more.
16972 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16973 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16976 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16978 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16982 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16983 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16984 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16985 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16989 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16990 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16991 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16993 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16995 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16996 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16997 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16998 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16999 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17000 the faint of heart.
17001 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17002 Cut into squares and enjoy!
17005 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17006 children under eight years of age.
17008 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17011 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17013 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17017 A mouse built to government specifications.
17019 Elevators smell different to midgets.
17021 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17022 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17023 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17024 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17025 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17026 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17027 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17028 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17030 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17031 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17032 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17033 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17034 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17036 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17039 The feel of a kiss.
17041 Eloquence is logic on fire.
17043 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17044 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17047 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17049 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
17050 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
17051 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
17054 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17055 Son knows everything.
17057 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17058 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17059 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17060 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17062 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
17063 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
17064 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17066 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17068 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17069 And here, find rest.
17071 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17072 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17073 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17074 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17076 Engineering: "How will this work?"
17077 Science: "Why will this work?"
17078 Management: "When will this work?"
17079 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17081 English literature's performing flea.
17082 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17085 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
17086 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17087 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17088 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17089 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17090 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17091 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17092 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17093 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17094 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17096 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17097 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17100 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17102 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17104 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17107 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17108 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17110 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17112 Entropy requires no maintenance.
17115 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17119 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17120 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17122 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
17123 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
17127 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17128 something his wife can beat him at.
17130 Equal bytes for women.
17132 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17133 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17135 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17136 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17138 Error in operator: add beer
17140 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17141 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17142 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
17143 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
17144 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17146 Eschew obfuscation.
17148 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17149 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17151 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17153 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17156 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17159 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17160 fashion for those with no taste.
17163 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17164 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
17165 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
17166 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
17170 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
17171 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17174 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17175 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17176 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17177 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17178 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17179 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17180 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17181 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17182 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17183 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17184 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17186 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17191 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17193 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17195 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17197 Even a man who is pure at heart,
17198 And says his prayers at night
17199 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17200 And the moon is full and bright.
17201 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17203 Even God cannot change the past.
17206 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17209 Even if you do learn to speak correct
17210 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
17213 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17216 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
17219 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17220 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17221 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17222 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17223 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17224 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17225 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17226 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17227 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17228 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17229 A fairer summer and a later fall
17230 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17231 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17232 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17233 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17234 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17236 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17238 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
17239 just a bit unchivalrous...
17242 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
17243 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17245 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17246 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17249 Events are not affected, they develop.
17252 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17254 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17255 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17257 Ever get the feeling that the world's
17258 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17261 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
17262 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
17264 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17265 Simple coincidence?
17268 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17269 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17270 We're big but bigger we will be,
17271 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17273 Our products now are known in every zone.
17274 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17275 We've fought our way thru
17276 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17277 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17278 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17280 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17281 We're bound for the top to never fall,
17282 Right here and now we thankfully
17283 Pledge sincerest loyalty
17284 To the corporation that's the best of all
17285 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17286 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17287 So let us sing men -- Sing men
17288 Once or twice, then sing again
17289 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17290 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17292 Ever since I was a young boy,
17293 I've hacked the ARPA net,
17294 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17295 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17296 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17297 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17298 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17299 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17300 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17301 Sure sends a mean packet.
17302 He's a UNIX wizard,
17303 There has to be a twist.
17304 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17305 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17306 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17307 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17308 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17309 The proper bit flags set,
17310 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17311 Sure sends a mean packet.
17314 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17315 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17316 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17317 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17318 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17319 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17320 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17321 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17323 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17325 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17327 Because newspapers are read too.
17328 Two and Two is four.
17329 Four and four is eight.
17330 Eight and four is twelve.
17331 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17332 Queen Mary was a ruler.
17333 Queen Mary was a ship.
17334 Ships sail the sea.
17335 There are fishes in the sea.
17337 The Fins fought the Russians.
17339 Fire engines are always rush'n.
17340 Therefore fire engines are red.
17342 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17343 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17344 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17345 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
17346 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17347 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17348 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17349 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17350 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17351 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17352 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17353 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17354 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17355 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17356 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17358 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17359 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17361 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
17365 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17367 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17368 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17370 Every cloud has a silver lining;
17371 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17373 Every country has the government it deserves.
17374 -- Joseph De Maistre
17376 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17378 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17380 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17383 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17385 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17386 woman and stop her.
17388 "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17389 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17390 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17391 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17392 highly-motivated, caustic twits."
17393 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17395 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17396 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17397 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17398 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17399 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17400 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17401 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17402 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17404 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17406 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17407 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17408 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17409 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17410 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17411 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17412 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17413 color"], that does not exist.
17415 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17416 -- Frank Moore Colby
17418 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17420 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17423 Every love's the love before
17425 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17427 "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17429 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17430 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17431 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17432 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17433 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17434 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17435 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17436 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17437 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17438 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17439 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17441 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17442 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17444 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17445 of vision for the limits of the world.
17448 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17449 and powerful know that he is.
17450 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17452 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17453 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17454 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17455 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17456 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17457 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17458 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17460 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17461 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17464 "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17465 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
17468 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17469 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17470 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17471 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17472 up, you'd better be running.
17474 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17476 Every night my prayers I say,
17477 And get my dinner every day;
17478 And every day that I've been good,
17479 I get an orange after food.
17480 The child that is not clean and neat,
17481 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17482 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17483 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17484 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17486 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17488 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17490 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17491 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17494 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17495 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17496 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
17497 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17499 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17500 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17501 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17504 Every path has its puddle.
17506 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17507 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17508 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17510 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17511 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17512 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17514 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17515 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17517 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17519 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17521 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17522 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17524 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17525 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17528 Every solution breeds new problems.
17530 Every successful person has had failures
17531 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17533 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17536 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17538 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17540 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17542 Every time you manage to close the door on
17543 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17545 Every why hath a wherefore.
17546 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17548 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17551 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17555 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17556 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17557 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17558 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17559 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17560 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17561 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17562 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17563 you're fired. As of right now."
17564 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17565 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17566 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17567 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17570 Everybody has something to conceal.
17573 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17574 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17576 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17579 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17580 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17581 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17582 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17584 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17585 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17588 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17589 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17591 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17592 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17593 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17594 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17596 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17597 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17598 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17599 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17600 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17602 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17605 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17606 stop hacking and fall in love!
17608 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17610 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17611 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17613 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
17615 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17617 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17620 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17622 Everyone is in the best seat.
17625 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17628 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17629 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17630 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17631 wholly unconcerned with what ____
\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of
17632 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17633 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17634 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17635 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17636 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17638 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17640 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____
\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.
17642 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17646 Everyone was born right-handed.
17647 Only the greatest overcome it.
17649 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17650 1. They want it quick.
17651 2. They want it good.
17652 3. They want it cheap.
17653 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17654 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17656 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17658 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17660 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17662 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17664 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17665 -- Alexander Woollcott
17667 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17668 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17670 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17671 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17673 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17674 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17676 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17677 that a belch is more satisfying.
17680 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17681 something you know.
17682 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17683 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17685 Everything might be different in the present
17686 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17688 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17689 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17691 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17693 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17696 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17699 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17700 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17702 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17704 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17706 Everything you know is wrong!
17708 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17709 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17712 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17713 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17714 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17715 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17717 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17719 Everything's great in this good old world;
17720 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17721 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17722 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17723 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17724 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17725 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17726 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17727 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17729 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17730 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17731 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17732 -- Flannery O'Connor
17734 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17735 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17736 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17738 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17740 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17741 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17744 Evolution is a million line computer
17745 program falling into place by accident.
17747 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17748 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17749 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17750 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17751 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17752 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17753 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17754 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
17756 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17757 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17760 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17761 It is the only thing.
17762 -- Albert Schweitzer
17764 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17765 Spike the office water cooler.
17767 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17769 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17771 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17773 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17776 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17777 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17779 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17780 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17782 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17785 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17786 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17787 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17789 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17790 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17791 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17793 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17795 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17797 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17800 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17804 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17806 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17808 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17809 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17811 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17813 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17815 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17817 Expedience is the best teacher.
17819 Expense accounts, n:
17820 Corporate food stamps.
17822 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17823 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17825 Experience is not what happens to you;
17826 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17829 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17830 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17833 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17834 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17836 Experience is what causes a person
17837 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17839 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17841 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17842 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17843 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17845 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17848 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17852 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17854 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17856 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17857 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17858 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17859 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17860 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17861 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17862 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17863 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17864 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17865 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17866 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17867 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17868 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17869 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17871 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17872 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17873 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17874 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17875 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17876 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17877 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17878 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17879 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17880 offer more plausible alternatives.
17881 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17882 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17884 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17885 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17887 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17888 of justice is no virtue.
17891 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17892 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17893 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17894 On the poison they're exuding.
17895 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17897 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17899 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17901 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
17903 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17905 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17907 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17909 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17912 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17914 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17917 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17920 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17921 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17922 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17923 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17924 doesn't even shout at me."
17925 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17926 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17927 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17928 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17929 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17930 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17931 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17932 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17933 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17934 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17935 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17936 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17938 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17940 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17941 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17944 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17946 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17948 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17949 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17950 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17951 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17953 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17954 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17956 Faith is under the left nipple.
17960 That quality which enables us to
17961 believe what we know to be untrue.
17964 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17965 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17966 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17969 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17970 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17971 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17972 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17973 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17974 good idea to check with your doctor.
17977 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17978 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17980 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17982 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
17984 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17985 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17988 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17989 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17992 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17994 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17996 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17999 Families, when a child is born
18000 Want it to be intelligent.
18001 I, through intelligence,
18002 Having wrecked my whole life,
18003 Only hope the baby will prove
18004 Ignorant and stupid.
18005 Then he will crown a tranquil life
18006 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18010 Conspicuously miserable.
18016 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18017 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18018 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
18019 4: We won't need reservations.
18020 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18021 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18022 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18023 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
18026 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18027 (2) "You and what army?"
18028 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18031 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18032 forgotten your aim.
18033 -- George Santayana
18035 "Fantasies are free."
18036 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18038 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18039 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18041 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18042 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18043 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18044 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18045 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18046 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18047 was the Empire forged.
18048 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18050 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18052 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18053 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18054 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18055 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18056 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18057 are a pretty neat idea ...
18058 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18060 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18061 stressful than divorce.
18062 -- Wall Street Journal
18064 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
18065 it every six months.
18068 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18071 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18073 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18076 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18079 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18081 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18083 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18084 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18086 Fats Loves Madelyn.
18088 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18089 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18090 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18093 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18095 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18096 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18098 Fear is the greatest salesman.
18102 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18103 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18104 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18105 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18106 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18108 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18109 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18112 Feel disillusioned?
18113 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18115 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18118 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18119 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
18120 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18121 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18122 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18123 A singular development of cat communications
18124 That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
18125 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18126 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18127 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18128 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18129 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18130 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18131 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18132 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18133 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18134 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18136 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18137 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18138 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18139 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
18140 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18141 yours to the bottom of the list.
18143 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18144 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18145 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18146 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18147 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18148 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18149 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18151 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18154 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18157 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18158 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18159 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18161 Ferguson's Precept:
18162 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18164 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
18165 didn't have any children, neither will you.
18167 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18168 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18169 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18170 basic difference between robots and humans?
18171 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18172 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18173 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18175 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18179 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18181 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18182 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18183 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18184 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18185 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18187 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18188 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18190 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
18192 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18193 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18194 there is nothing important to do.
18196 Fifty flippant frogs
18197 Walked by on flippered feet
18198 And with their slime they made the time
18201 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18205 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18208 Throwing your wait around.
18210 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18211 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18214 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18216 Finagle's Eighth Law:
18217 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18219 Finagle's Ninth Law:
18220 No matter what results are expected,
18221 someone is always willing to fake it.
18223 Finagle's Tenth Law:
18224 No matter what the result someone
18225 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18227 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18228 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18229 it happened according to his pet theory.
18231 Finagle's First Law:
18232 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18234 Finagle's First Law:
18235 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18237 Finagle's Second Law:
18238 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18240 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18241 Once a job is fouled up,
18242 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18244 Finagle's Fifth Law:
18245 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18247 Finagle's Sixth Law:
18248 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18250 Finagle's fourth Law:
18251 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
18254 Finagle's Second Law:
18255 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18256 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18257 happened according to his own pet theory.
18259 Finagle's Seventh Law:
18260 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18262 Finagle's Third Law:
18263 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18264 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18267 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18268 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18269 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18272 Perfection is finality.
18273 Nothing is perfect.
18274 There are lumps in it.
18276 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18278 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18280 Fine day for friends.
18283 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18285 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18288 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18290 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18292 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18294 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18297 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18300 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18302 First, a few words about tools.
18304 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18305 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18306 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18307 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18308 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18309 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18310 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18312 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18313 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18316 First Law of Bicycling:
18317 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
18319 First law of debate:
18320 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18322 First Law of Procrastination:
18323 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18324 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18327 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18328 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18330 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18331 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18332 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18334 First Rule of History:
18335 History doesn't repeat itself --
18336 historians merely repeat each other.
18338 First rule of public speaking.
18339 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18341 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18343 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18344 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18346 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18347 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18348 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18349 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18350 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18351 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18352 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18353 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18354 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18355 another phone booth.
18356 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18357 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18358 released it, too, in the scrub.
18359 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18360 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18361 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18362 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18363 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18365 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
18367 "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
18368 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
18370 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18371 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18372 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18373 trees to prove their manhood.
18377 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18378 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18380 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18383 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18386 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18389 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18390 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18391 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18392 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18393 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18394 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18395 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18396 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18397 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18398 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18399 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18400 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18401 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18402 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18403 Yes, and goin' insane,
18404 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18405 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18407 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18409 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18410 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18411 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18412 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18413 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18414 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18415 Irish Political History".
18417 Five rules for eternal misery:
18418 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18419 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18420 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18421 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18422 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18423 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18424 things might become).
18425 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18426 follow the first four rules.
18432 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18433 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18435 Flappity, floppity, flip
18436 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18437 The strip revolved,
18438 The mouse dissolved
18439 In a chronodimensional skip.
18442 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18443 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18445 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18448 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18450 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18452 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18456 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18457 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18459 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18460 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18463 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18464 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18466 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18467 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18469 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18470 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18473 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18474 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18475 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18476 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18477 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18479 flowchart, n. & v.:
18480 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18481 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18482 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18483 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18484 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18485 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18486 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18487 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18488 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18489 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18490 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18491 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18494 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18495 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18497 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18499 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18500 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18502 Flying saucers on occasion
18503 Show themselves to human eyes.
18504 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18505 While they brand these tales as lies.
18508 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18509 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18510 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18512 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18513 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18514 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18515 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18517 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18518 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18520 Foolproof Operation:
18521 No provision for adjustment.
18523 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18525 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18526 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18528 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18529 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18530 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18532 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18535 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18537 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18539 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18541 For a light heart lives long.
18542 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18544 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18547 For adult education nothing beats children.
18549 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18550 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18551 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18552 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18553 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18554 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18555 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18556 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18558 "For an adequate time call 555-3321"
18560 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18561 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18563 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18566 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18568 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18569 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18571 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18574 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18575 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18578 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18582 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18585 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18586 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18589 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18590 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18591 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18592 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18593 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18594 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18595 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18596 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18598 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18600 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18604 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18613 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18615 For good, return good.
18616 For evil, return justice.
18618 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18619 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18621 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18622 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18623 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18625 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18626 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18627 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18628 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18629 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18630 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18631 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18634 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18636 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18637 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18640 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18641 get themselves filed.
18644 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18645 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18648 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18649 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18650 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18651 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18652 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18653 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18654 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18655 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18656 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18657 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18658 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18659 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18661 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18662 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18663 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18664 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18665 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18667 For people who like that kind of book,
18668 that is the kind of book they will like.
18670 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18671 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18672 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18675 Parachute. Used once.
18676 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18678 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18679 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18680 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18682 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18684 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18685 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18686 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18689 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18690 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18692 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18694 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18695 referring to system overview.]
18698 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18699 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18702 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18704 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18705 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18707 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18708 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18709 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18711 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18712 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18714 For they starve the frightened little child
18715 Till it weeps both night and day:
18716 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18717 And gibe the old and grey,
18718 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18719 And none a word may say.
18721 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18722 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18723 And the fetid breath of living Death
18724 Chokes up each grated screen,
18725 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18726 In Humanity's machine.
18728 And all men kill the thing they love,
18729 By all let this be heard,
18730 Some do it with a bitter look,
18731 Some with a flattering word,
18732 The coward does it with a kiss,
18733 The brave man with a sword.
18736 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18737 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18738 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18739 spend my evenings?"
18742 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18743 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18744 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18747 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18748 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18750 8 oz. shredded suet
18752 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18754 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18755 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18756 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18757 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18758 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18759 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18760 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18761 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18762 four to five hours.
18764 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18767 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18768 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18771 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18772 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18773 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18776 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18778 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18779 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18780 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18781 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18782 -- Justin Richardson.
18784 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18786 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18789 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18790 "That definition's just."
18791 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18792 Remembering his pounded head:
18793 "Force is not might but must!"
18796 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18797 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18799 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18802 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18803 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18805 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18808 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18809 their destitution of conscience.
18811 Forgive and forget.
18815 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18818 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18819 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18822 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18825 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18827 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18831 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18832 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18834 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18836 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
18838 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18839 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18842 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18845 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18848 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18849 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18850 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18851 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18853 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18854 probably for at least the next decade.
18857 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18859 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18860 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18861 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18862 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18863 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18864 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18865 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18866 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18867 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18870 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18873 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18875 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18876 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18877 my dissertation to rhyme.
18879 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18882 A: No, He's a mythter.
18884 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18886 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18888 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18891 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18892 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18893 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18896 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18897 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18898 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18899 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18903 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18904 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18907 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18910 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18911 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18913 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18914 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18915 she will get on with her life.
18916 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18917 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18918 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18919 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18920 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18921 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18922 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18923 these classes rarely prove effective.
18925 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18928 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18929 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18930 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18933 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18934 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18935 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18936 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18937 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18938 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18939 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18940 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18942 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18945 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18946 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18947 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18948 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18951 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18952 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18953 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18954 fixed without special tools".
18955 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18956 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18957 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18960 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18963 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18964 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18967 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18968 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18969 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18970 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18971 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18972 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18973 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18975 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18978 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18979 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18980 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18981 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18982 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18983 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18984 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18985 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18989 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18990 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18991 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18992 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18993 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18994 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18995 price their policies accordingly.
18996 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18997 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19000 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19003 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19004 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19005 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19006 would not be able to identify most of these items.
19009 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19010 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19011 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19012 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19013 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19014 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19016 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19019 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19020 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19021 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19022 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19025 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19026 looking, men kick cats.
19029 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19030 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19031 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19032 aware of some short people living in the house.
19034 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19037 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19038 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19039 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19040 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19041 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19042 the laundromat. This is a myth.
19045 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19046 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19047 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19048 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19051 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19052 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19053 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19055 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19058 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
19059 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19060 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19061 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19062 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19063 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
19065 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19068 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19069 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19070 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19071 Boardwalk property.
19073 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19075 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19077 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19078 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19079 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
19080 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19081 With Julie Christie.
19083 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19085 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19086 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19087 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19090 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19093 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19094 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19095 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19096 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19097 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19099 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19101 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19102 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19103 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19104 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19105 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19106 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19107 a glowing performance.
19109 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19111 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19112 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
19113 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
19114 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19116 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19118 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19119 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19120 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19121 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19122 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19125 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19127 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19128 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19129 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19130 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19132 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19133 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19134 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19135 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19136 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19138 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19140 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19142 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19143 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19144 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19146 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19148 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19149 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19150 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19151 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19152 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19153 as that in support of an affirmative.
19154 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19156 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19158 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19159 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19160 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19163 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19165 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19166 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19167 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19168 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19169 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19170 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19171 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19173 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19175 skilled oral communicator:
19176 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19177 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19179 skilled written communicator:
19180 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19181 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19184 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19185 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19186 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19188 key company figure:
19189 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19191 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19194 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19195 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19197 an excellent sounding board:
19198 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19199 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19201 a planner and organizer:
19202 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19203 animal tags on his clothing.
19205 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19207 has management potential:
19208 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19209 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19213 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19217 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19221 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19224 Fortune favors the lucky.
19226 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19228 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19230 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19232 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19233 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19234 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19236 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19238 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19239 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19240 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19242 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19244 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19247 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19249 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19252 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19254 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19256 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19258 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19259 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19261 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19263 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19265 fortune: No such file or directory
19270 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19272 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19273 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19274 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19275 renkontas. I've met.
19276 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19277 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19278 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19279 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19282 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19284 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19285 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19286 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19287 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19288 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19289 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19292 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19294 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19296 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19297 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19298 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19299 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19300 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19302 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19304 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19305 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19306 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19307 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19309 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19311 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19312 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19314 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19316 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19317 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19319 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19321 A: To be or not to be.
19322 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19324 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19326 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19327 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19329 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19331 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19332 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19334 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19336 A: Go west, young man, go west!
19337 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19339 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19341 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19342 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19344 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19346 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19347 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19349 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19351 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19352 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19354 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19358 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19359 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19360 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19361 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19363 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19364 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19365 make "heads or tails of all this"
19368 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19369 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19371 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
19372 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19374 Oh, and have a nice day!
19375 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19377 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19379 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19380 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19383 Fortune's current rates:
19387 Answers requiring thought .50
19388 Correct answers $1.00
19390 Dumb looks are still free.
19392 Fortune's diet truths:
19393 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19394 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19395 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19396 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19397 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19398 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19399 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19400 appealing as tepid beer.
19401 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19402 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19403 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19405 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19406 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19407 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19408 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19411 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19413 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19414 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19415 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19416 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19417 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19418 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19419 you twitter around in your chair.
19420 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
19421 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19422 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19423 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19424 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19425 followed by one throw-up.
19426 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19428 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19431 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19432 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19433 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19434 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19435 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19437 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19438 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19439 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19440 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19441 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19442 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19443 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19444 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19445 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19446 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19447 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19448 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19449 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19450 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19451 poothtick comes out crean.
19453 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19454 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19456 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19457 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19458 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19459 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19460 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19461 rather then a spotted one.
19462 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19463 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19464 legume-part of the pea family.
19465 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19467 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19468 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19469 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19471 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19472 Can you name the seven seas?
19473 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19474 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19475 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19476 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19478 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19479 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19481 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19483 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19484 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19485 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19487 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19488 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19489 at least once a year.
19491 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19493 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19494 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19496 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19497 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19498 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19499 ability in that particular field."
19501 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19503 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19504 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19506 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19507 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19509 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19510 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19511 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19512 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19514 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19516 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19517 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19519 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19521 Don't Write On Walls!
19525 You want I should type?
19527 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19530 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19531 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19533 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19535 if reality disappears?
19536 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19537 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19539 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19540 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19541 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19542 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19543 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19544 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19545 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19546 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19548 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19550 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19551 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19552 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19553 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19555 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19556 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19557 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19558 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19561 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19562 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19563 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19564 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19565 charges may have been reversed.
19567 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19569 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19570 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19571 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19572 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19573 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19574 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19575 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19577 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19578 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19579 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19580 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19581 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19582 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19583 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19585 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19587 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19589 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19590 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19591 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19592 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19593 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19594 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19595 single poem ever written."
19597 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19598 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19599 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19600 bungling and greed of President
19603 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19604 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19606 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19607 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19608 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19609 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19610 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19611 apply to female horses.
19613 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19614 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19615 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19616 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19617 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19619 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19620 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19621 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19622 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19623 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19624 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19626 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19627 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19629 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19631 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19633 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19635 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19636 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19637 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19638 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19640 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19642 Q: Are you married?
19643 A: No, I'm divorced.
19644 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19645 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19647 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19649 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19650 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19652 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19654 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19655 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19658 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19660 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19661 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19662 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19664 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19666 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19668 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19670 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19671 A: Picking them up in the air.
19672 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19673 A: Attached to the ears.
19675 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19677 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19678 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19679 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19680 him to the station?
19681 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19683 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19685 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19687 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19689 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19691 Q: What is your name?
19692 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19693 Q: And what is your marital status?
19696 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19698 Q: What happened then?
19699 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19701 Q: Did he kill you?
19704 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19706 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19707 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19708 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19709 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19710 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19711 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19712 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19713 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19714 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19715 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19716 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19718 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19719 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19720 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19722 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19724 Never goose a wolverine.
19726 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19728 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19730 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19732 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19733 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19735 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19736 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19738 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19739 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19741 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19742 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19745 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19746 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19747 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
19749 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19750 tombstones, women and competitors.
19751 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19753 Four hours to bury the cat?
19754 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19756 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19757 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19758 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19759 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19761 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19762 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19763 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19766 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19767 study for that instructor's course.
19769 Fourth Law of Revision:
19770 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19771 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19774 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19775 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19778 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19781 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19784 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19785 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19787 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19788 -- A Yippie Proverb
19790 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19792 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19794 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19796 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19800 Did you know that successive security officers take
19801 control by beheading their predecessor?
19804 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19806 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19808 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19811 Freedom is slavery.
19812 Ignorance is strength.
19816 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19818 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19819 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19821 Fremen add life to spice!
19823 Fresco's Discovery:
19824 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19826 Friction is a drag.
19829 Increased automation of clerical function
19830 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19832 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19836 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19838 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19840 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19841 Let me clue you in;
19842 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19843 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19844 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19845 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19846 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19847 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19848 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19849 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19850 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19852 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19856 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19857 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19861 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19862 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19863 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19864 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19865 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19866 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19867 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19868 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19869 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19870 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19872 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19873 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19874 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19875 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19876 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19877 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19878 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19879 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19881 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19882 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19884 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19885 That is the point that must be reached.
19888 From a Tru64 patch description:
19890 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19892 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19893 Association, in Rome]:
19895 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19896 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19897 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19898 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19899 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19900 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19901 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19902 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19903 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19905 From dusk till dawn
19906 I gathered people and their crown
19907 Conquered the hearts of
19909 United the heads of
19911 When weaken your mind
19913 When tired of thinking
19915 My sons and descendants
19916 Don?t get exhausted in mind and thought and but get experienced.
19917 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
19919 From Italian tourist guide:
19921 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19922 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19924 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19926 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19929 From the crystal swirling waters,
19931 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19932 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19933 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19934 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19935 Your butt is on the menu
19936 And the check is in the mail.
19937 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19939 From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
19941 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19942 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19943 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19944 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19945 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19946 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19947 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19948 being nuts (unground)."
19950 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19951 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19952 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19954 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19957 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19958 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19959 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19960 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19961 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19962 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19963 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19965 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19966 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19967 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19969 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19971 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19972 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19973 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19974 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19975 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19976 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19977 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19979 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19981 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19982 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19983 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19984 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19985 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19987 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19988 systems program at JPL
19990 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19991 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19992 experience in sound:
19994 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19995 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19997 From too much love of living,
19998 From hope and fear set free,
19999 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20000 Whatever gods may be,
20001 That no life lives forever,
20002 That dead men rise up never,
20003 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20006 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
20007 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
20009 "Yes. They have more money."
20012 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20015 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20016 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20019 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20020 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20021 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20024 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20025 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20028 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20029 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20030 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20035 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20038 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20039 even when you are the only person in line.
20040 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20042 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20045 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20046 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20048 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20050 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20051 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
20053 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20054 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20055 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20056 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20057 that's your chance, my boy."
20059 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20062 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20063 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20064 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20066 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
20069 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20070 stockings and desolating the country.
20071 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20073 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
20074 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20075 -- Adventures of Asterix
20077 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20079 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20080 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20081 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20083 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20084 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20085 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20086 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20087 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20088 individuals and then grow ...
20089 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20090 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20091 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20092 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20093 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20094 think not, my friend, I think not.
20095 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20097 "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
20099 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20100 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20101 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20102 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20103 in it today, either.
20105 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20106 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20107 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20108 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20111 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20112 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
20113 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20114 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20115 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20118 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20119 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20121 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20124 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20125 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20128 General notions are generally wrong.
20129 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20131 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20132 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20136 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20138 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
20139 and if you don't, why you should.
20142 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20143 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20144 all the right things to all the right people.
20146 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20149 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20150 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20155 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20157 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20159 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
20163 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20167 Why he stays in the bottle.
20170 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20171 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20172 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20173 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20174 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20175 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20176 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20177 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20178 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20179 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20180 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20181 confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20182 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20183 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20184 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20185 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20186 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20187 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20188 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20189 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20190 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20191 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20192 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20193 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20196 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20199 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20200 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20201 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20203 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20204 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20205 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20207 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20208 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20210 George Orwell was an optimist.
20212 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20213 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20216 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20217 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20218 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20219 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20220 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20221 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20222 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20223 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20224 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20225 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20226 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20227 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20228 gonna get on Labor Day."
20230 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20231 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20232 "And he didn't understand me."
20234 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20235 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
20236 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20237 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20238 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20239 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20241 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20243 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20246 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20248 Getting into trouble is easy.
20249 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20251 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20252 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20253 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20254 of the American Bar Association
20256 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20259 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20261 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20263 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20265 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20266 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20267 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20268 Then we have them for a meal (...)
20270 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20271 See them flying through the air (...)
20272 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20273 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20275 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20276 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20277 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20278 Of the blood of little critters (...)
20280 Gilbert's Discovery:
20281 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20282 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20284 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20285 of him the harpers sadly sing;
20286 the last whose realm was fair and free
20287 between the Mountains and the Sea.
20289 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20290 his shining helm afar was seen;
20291 the countless stars of heaven's field
20292 were mirrored in his silver shield.
20294 But long ago he rode away,
20295 and where he dwelleth none can say;
20296 for into darkness fell his star
20297 in Mordor where the shadows are.
20301 Ginsberg's Theorem:
20303 2. You can't break even.
20304 3. You can't even quit the game.
20306 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20308 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20309 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20312 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20313 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
20314 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
20317 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20318 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20320 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20322 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20323 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20326 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20327 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20329 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20331 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20332 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20334 Give him an evasive answer.
20336 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20337 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20339 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
20340 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
20342 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20344 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20347 "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
20350 Give me libertines or give me meth.
20352 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20353 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20354 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20355 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20358 Give me your students, your secretaries,
20359 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20360 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20361 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20362 I lift my disk beside the processor.
20363 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20365 Give thought to your reputation.
20366 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20370 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20372 Give your very best today.
20373 Heaven knows it's little enough.
20375 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20376 -- William Faulkner
20378 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20379 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20382 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20384 Given sufficient time, what you put
20385 off doing today will get done by itself.
20387 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
20388 rather lie around. No contest.
20391 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20392 car keys to teenage boys.
20395 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
20396 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
20397 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20398 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20401 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20402 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
20404 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20405 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20406 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20407 some useful work done.
20409 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20411 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20412 fifth of dry red wine
20414 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20418 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20419 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20421 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20422 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20423 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20424 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20425 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20426 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20427 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20428 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20429 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20433 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20435 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20437 Go ahead... make my day.
20440 Go ahead, make my day.
20443 Go away, I'm all right.
20444 -- H. G. Wells' last words.
20446 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20447 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20451 Go climb a gravity well.
20453 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20455 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20456 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20458 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20459 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20461 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20462 be in owning a piece thereof.
20463 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20465 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20466 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20469 Go to a movie tonight.
20470 Darkness becomes you.
20472 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20476 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20477 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20478 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20481 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20482 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20483 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20484 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20487 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20489 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20493 Darwin's chief rival.
20495 God created a few perfect heads.
20496 The rest he covered with hair.
20499 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20500 but many other things ceased as well.
20501 Woman was God's second mistake.
20504 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20505 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20507 God doesn't play dice.
20510 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20511 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20514 "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20516 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20517 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20518 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20519 would he lie about a thing like that?
20520 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20522 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20524 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20525 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20527 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20528 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20529 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20530 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20531 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20532 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20533 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20534 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20536 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20537 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20538 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20540 God help those who do not help themselves.
20543 God helps them that helps themselves.
20546 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20548 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20549 but by pains and contradictions.
20552 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20554 God is a polytheist.
20563 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20566 God is love, but get it in writing.
20569 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20570 much less ambitious project.
20572 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
20574 God is real, unless declared integer.
20576 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20577 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20581 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20584 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20586 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20588 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20591 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20593 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
20596 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20599 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20601 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20604 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20606 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20608 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20609 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20610 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20611 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20612 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20613 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20616 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20617 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20618 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20619 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20620 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20621 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20624 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20625 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20626 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20627 Won't ruin your whole day.
20628 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20630 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20632 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20633 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20636 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20638 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20640 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20644 God votes Republican.
20646 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20650 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20651 somebody moves the ends.
20653 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20655 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20656 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20659 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20660 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20661 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20662 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20663 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20665 Goldenstern's Rules:
20666 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20667 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20669 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20670 eating before he bursts.
20673 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20676 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20677 (2) Time accelerates.
20678 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20680 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20681 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20683 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20685 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20688 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20690 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20691 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20693 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20695 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20698 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20700 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20702 Good advice is something a man gives
20703 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20704 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20706 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20708 Good day for business affairs.
20709 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20711 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20713 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20715 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20717 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20718 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20720 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20722 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20723 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20724 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20725 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20727 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
20729 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20731 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20732 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20733 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20734 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20735 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20737 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20739 Good judgement comes from experience.
20740 Experience comes from bad judgement.
20743 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20745 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20746 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20747 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20749 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20751 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20753 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20755 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20757 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20759 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20762 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20765 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20768 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20769 -- George Saunders' dying words
20771 Goodbye, cool world.
20773 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20774 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20775 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20776 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20777 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20778 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20779 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20780 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20782 Gordon's first law:
20783 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20787 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20789 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20790 time travel, you never can tell."
20791 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20794 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20797 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20799 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20800 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20804 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20806 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20807 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20808 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20809 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20811 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20812 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20813 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20814 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20816 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20817 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20818 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20819 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20821 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20822 Everybody wants to have a home.
20823 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20824 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20825 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20828 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20831 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20832 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20836 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20837 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20838 leaving the best part.
20840 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20843 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20844 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20846 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20849 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20850 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20852 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20855 There is an exception to all laws.
20857 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20858 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20860 -- Princess Leia Organa
20863 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20865 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20867 Graduate students and most professors are
20868 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20870 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20872 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20873 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20874 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20876 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20877 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20879 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20881 Graphics blind the eyes.
20882 Audio files deafen the ear.
20883 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20884 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20885 Options wither the heart.
20887 The Guru observes the net
20888 but trusts his inner vision.
20889 He allows things to come and go.
20890 His heart is as open as the ether.
20893 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20895 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20899 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20901 Gravity brings me down.
20903 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20905 Gray's Law of Programming:
20906 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20907 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20909 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20910 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20912 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20915 Great American Axiom:
20916 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20918 Great minds run in great circles.
20920 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20922 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20923 place of residence.
20925 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20927 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20929 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20931 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20933 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20936 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20937 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20940 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20942 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20943 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20946 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20948 Green's Law of Debate:
20949 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20951 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20952 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20953 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20954 of half of Common Lisp.
20957 Eighty percent of all people consider
20958 themselves to be above average drivers.
20960 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20962 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20963 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20967 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20969 Grig (the navigator):
20970 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20974 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20976 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20977 Grig: That's the spirit!
20978 -- The Last Starfighter
20980 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20981 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20983 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20984 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20987 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20988 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20989 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20990 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20991 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20992 maybe, but not in the House."
20994 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20995 -- Maurice Chevalier
20997 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20998 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20999 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21000 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21001 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21002 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21003 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21004 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21005 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21006 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21007 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21008 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21009 universe while straddling a giant worm.
21012 Grub first, then ethics.
21016 A French chopping center.
21019 The probability of a given event
21020 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21022 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21024 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21025 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21026 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21027 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21028 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21031 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21032 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21033 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21036 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21037 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21038 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21041 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21044 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21045 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21046 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21047 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21048 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21049 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21050 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21051 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21053 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21054 Slice him up before he slays you.
21055 Nothing makes you look a slob
21056 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21057 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21059 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21060 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21061 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21063 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21064 Those who can -- do.
21065 Those who can't -- teach.
21067 Martin's Extension:
21068 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21070 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21073 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21074 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21075 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
21076 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21077 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21078 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21079 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21081 Hacker's Fight Song
21083 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21084 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21085 Never bungles, never shirks,
21086 Always gets his stuff to work!
21088 All take a drink (important!)
21090 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21092 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
21093 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21094 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
21095 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21096 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
21097 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
21098 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21099 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21100 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21101 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21102 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21103 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21104 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21106 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21107 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21108 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21109 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21110 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21111 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21112 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21115 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21116 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21118 Hackers of the world, unite!
21120 Hacker's Quicky #313:
21121 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21125 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21127 "Had he and I but met
21128 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21129 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21130 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21131 And killed him in his place.
21132 I shot him dead because --
21133 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21134 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21135 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21136 No other reason why.
21137 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21138 You shoot a fellow down
21139 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21140 Or help to half-a-crown."
21143 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21144 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21145 -- Alfonso the Wise
21147 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21148 referring to operating system initialization.]
21150 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
21151 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
21153 Hail to the sun god
21154 He's such a fun god
21157 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21159 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
21160 a big enough majority in any town?
21161 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21163 Hale Mail Rule, The:
21164 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21165 one of the following:
21166 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21169 (d) The letter you are answering.
21171 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21172 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21173 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21174 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21176 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
21178 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21180 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21181 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21184 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21185 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21186 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21187 the difference between life and death.
21188 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21189 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21190 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21191 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21192 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21193 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21194 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21195 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21196 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21199 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
21200 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
21201 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
21202 difference between life and death.
21204 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
21205 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
21206 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
21207 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21208 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21209 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21210 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21213 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21215 Hall's Laws of Politics:
21216 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21217 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
21219 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21220 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21221 their own districts).
21224 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21225 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21226 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21229 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21231 handshaking protocol, n:
21232 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21233 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21234 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21236 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21240 The wrath of grapes.
21243 Never attribute to malice
21244 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
21246 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21247 There are never enough hours in a day,
21248 but always too many days before Saturday.
21250 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21252 Happiness is a hard disk.
21254 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21256 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21259 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21262 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21264 Happiness is the greatest good.
21266 Happiness is twin floppies.
21268 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21270 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21273 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21276 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21278 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21281 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21283 Happy feast of the pig!
21285 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21288 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21291 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21294 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21296 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21297 -- Charlie McCarthy
21300 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21302 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21303 The Duke is fond of kittens
21304 He likes to take their insides out
21305 And use them for his mittens
21306 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
21308 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21309 Advertising wondrous things.
21312 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21313 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21316 Harp not on that string.
21317 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21319 Harriet's Dining Observation:
21320 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21321 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21323 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21324 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21325 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21327 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21328 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21329 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21330 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21331 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21332 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21333 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21334 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21335 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21336 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21338 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21339 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21340 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21341 hadn't been carving that pie."
21342 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21344 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21345 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
21348 Harrison's Postulate:
21349 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21352 All the good ones are taken.
21354 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21355 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21356 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21357 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21358 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21359 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21360 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21361 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21362 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21363 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21364 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21365 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21366 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21367 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21368 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21371 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21372 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21373 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21374 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21375 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21376 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21377 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21378 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21379 just like Richard Nixon."
21380 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21382 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21383 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21384 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21385 with all that pep and vitality.
21387 Hartley's First Law:
21388 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
21389 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
21391 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
21392 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21395 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21398 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21399 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
21400 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
21404 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21405 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
21406 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21407 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21409 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21410 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21411 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21412 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21413 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21417 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21418 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21419 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21420 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21421 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21423 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21425 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21427 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21428 "Yes; I don't have one."
21429 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
21430 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
21432 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
21433 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
21434 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
21435 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
21436 but a lot harder than it appears.
21438 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21439 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21440 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21441 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
21442 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21443 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21449 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21451 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21452 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21454 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21455 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21457 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21460 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21461 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21465 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21467 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21469 Have a coke and a smile!
21474 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21476 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21477 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21483 Have an adequate day.
21487 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21490 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21491 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21492 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21494 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21495 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21496 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21498 Long live the revolution!
21501 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21502 seriously, for they will shape you.
21505 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21506 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21507 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21508 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21509 two-day-old cookbook?
21510 -- Richard Brautigan
21512 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21514 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21515 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21516 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21517 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21519 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21521 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21522 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21523 never find the time for play?
21525 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21526 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21527 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21528 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21529 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21530 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
21531 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21532 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21534 Have you flogged your kid today?
21536 "Have you lived here all your life?"
21537 "Oh, twice that long."
21539 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21541 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21542 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21544 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21545 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21548 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21550 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21551 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21553 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21554 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21555 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21556 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21558 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21559 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21560 Let me take you by the hand
21561 Lead you through the streets of London
21562 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21564 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21565 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21566 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21567 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21569 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21570 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21571 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21572 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21573 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21574 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21576 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21577 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21578 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21579 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21580 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21582 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21583 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21584 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21585 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21586 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21587 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21589 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21590 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21591 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21592 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21593 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21594 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21595 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21597 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21599 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21602 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21605 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21606 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21608 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21611 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21612 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21613 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21614 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21617 "Hawk, we're going to die."
21618 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
21621 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21622 It's not easy to play the clown
21623 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21625 He: Do you like Kipling?
21626 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21628 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21629 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21632 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21633 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21636 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21639 "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21640 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21642 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21644 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21645 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21646 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
21648 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21649 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21651 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21652 finer than the staple of his argument.
21653 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21655 "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
21657 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21659 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21660 perfectly delightful.
21663 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21664 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21665 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21666 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21668 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21671 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21672 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21675 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21678 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21679 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21681 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21682 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21683 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21684 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21686 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21689 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21690 who can say nothing in the most words.
21692 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21694 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21697 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21700 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21703 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21705 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21706 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21708 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21710 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21711 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21713 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21714 -- Sir Richard Burton
21716 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21717 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21719 He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21721 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21724 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21727 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21728 had fallen to the ground.
21729 -- The Book of Serenity
21731 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21733 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21734 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21735 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21736 I must translate it otherwise.
21737 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21738 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21739 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21740 Lest you should write too hastily.
21741 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21742 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21743 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21744 That my translation must be changed again.
21745 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21746 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21749 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21750 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
21752 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21753 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21755 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21756 -- John Stark, movie review
21758 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21759 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21761 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21762 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21763 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21765 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21766 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21768 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21769 -- Scottish proverb.
21771 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21774 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21775 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21777 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21778 -- Benjamin Franklin
21780 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21782 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21783 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21785 He thought he saw an albatross
21786 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21787 He looked again and saw it was
21788 A penny postage stamp.
21789 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21790 "The nights are rather damp."
21792 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21793 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21794 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21795 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21796 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21797 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21799 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21803 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21805 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21806 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21807 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21808 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21809 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21812 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21815 "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21818 He was part of my dream, of course --
21819 but then I was part of his dream too.
21822 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21824 He was the sort of person whose personality
21825 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21827 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21829 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21830 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21831 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21833 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21834 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21836 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21837 the human condition is a fool.
21840 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21841 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21843 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21846 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21849 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21851 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21853 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21855 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21857 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21859 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21860 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21861 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21863 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21865 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21868 He who hesitates is last.
21870 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21872 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21874 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21875 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21877 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21879 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21881 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21883 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21884 encounter many rivals.
21885 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21887 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21888 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21889 senses until the day of judgement.
21892 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21894 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21897 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21898 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21899 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21901 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21902 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21903 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21904 he knows something. Or something like that.
21906 He who knows others is wise.
21907 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21910 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21913 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21916 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21918 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
21920 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21922 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21924 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
21926 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21928 He who laughs, lasts.
21930 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21932 He who loses, wins the race,
21933 And parallel lines meet in space.
21934 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21936 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21939 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21941 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21942 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21943 -- Sir Richard Burton
21945 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21948 He who slings mud loses ground.
21951 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21953 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21955 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21958 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21961 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21962 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21963 education and culture.
21964 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21966 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21969 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21971 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21972 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21976 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
21977 started chiseling on his wife?
21980 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21981 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21984 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21985 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21986 up a chopped libber?
21989 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
21990 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21993 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21994 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21998 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21999 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22000 typewriter's ribbon?
22002 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22003 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22005 Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22006 One fortunate cookie...
22008 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22009 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22010 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22012 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22013 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22015 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22016 -- The Wizard of Oz
22018 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22019 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22020 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22021 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22024 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22025 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22027 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22029 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22030 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22033 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22035 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22037 Heisenberg may have been here.
22039 "Heisenberg may have slept here"
22041 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22044 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22045 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22046 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22048 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22049 how are they supposed to know you care?
22051 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22052 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22055 Truth seen too late.
22058 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22060 Johnson's Corollary:
22061 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22064 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22065 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22066 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22068 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22069 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22070 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22071 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22072 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22073 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22075 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22076 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22077 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22080 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22082 Hell's broken loose.
22085 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22087 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22089 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22091 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22094 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22096 Help fight continental drift.
22098 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
22100 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22102 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22104 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22106 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22107 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22108 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22109 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22110 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22111 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22114 Her locks an ancient lady gave
22115 Her loving husband's life to save;
22116 And men -- they honored so the dame --
22117 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22119 But to our modern married fair,
22120 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22121 No stellar recognition's given.
22122 There are not stars enough in heaven.
22124 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22125 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
22127 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22129 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22130 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22131 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22132 thousand times before
22133 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22134 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22136 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22140 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22141 All logged in, but work unstarted.
22142 First net.this and net.that,
22143 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22145 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22146 Then I turn back to net.flame.
22147 Is there a cure (I need your views),
22148 For someone trapped in net.news?
22150 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22151 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22153 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22154 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22155 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
22156 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22158 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22159 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22160 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22161 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
22163 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22164 At whose beckoning history shook.
22165 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22166 So I stay at home with a book.
22169 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22170 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22171 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22172 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22173 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22174 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22175 important electrical lesson.
22177 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22178 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22179 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22180 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22181 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22182 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22183 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22185 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22186 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22187 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22189 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22191 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22192 if you're alive, it isn't.
22194 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
22195 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
22196 marketing anxiety in China.
22198 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
22199 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
22201 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
22203 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
22204 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
22205 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
22206 satiric vistas do not open up.
22207 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
22209 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22210 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22213 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22215 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22216 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22217 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22219 Here there by tygers.
22221 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22222 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22223 around as if you're going to fall.
22224 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22226 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
22227 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
22230 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
22231 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
22233 * Governmental offices
22238 * Parts of Palm Beach
22240 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
22241 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
22244 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22246 He's been like a father to me,
22247 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22248 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22249 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22254 He's got the heart of a little child,
22255 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22257 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
22259 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22261 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22262 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22265 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
22266 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22268 "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22270 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
22271 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
22273 Hewett's Observation:
22274 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22275 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22276 peers similarly engaged.
22278 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22281 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22282 To get a little more stack;
22283 If that's not enough then you lose it all
22284 And have to pop all the way back.
22286 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22287 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22289 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22290 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22291 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22292 these words were spoken.
22294 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22297 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
22299 "How about an eye?"
22302 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22303 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22306 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22307 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22309 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22310 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22311 leave your name and message after the beep...
22313 Hi! How are things going?
22314 (just fine, thank you...)
22315 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22316 (you just asked one...)
22317 Well, how about one more?
22318 (one more than the first one?)
22320 (you already asked that...)
22321 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22322 May I ask two questions, sir?
22324 May I ask ONE then?
22326 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22328 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22329 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22330 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22331 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22333 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22334 (go right ahead...)
22336 "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22337 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22338 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22339 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22340 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22341 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22342 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22343 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22345 "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22346 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22347 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22349 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22350 You wanna help on the audit now?
22352 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22353 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22354 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22356 Hickery Dickery Dock,
22357 The mice ran up the clock,
22358 The clock struck one,
22359 The others escaped with minor injuries.
22361 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22365 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22367 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22368 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22369 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22370 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22371 We buried him today because
22372 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22373 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22374 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22375 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22380 Ruffled the critics by
22381 Dropping this bomb:
22382 "Phooey on Freud and his
22384 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
22387 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22388 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22390 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22392 High heels are a device invented by a woman
22393 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22395 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22396 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22397 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22398 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22399 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22400 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22401 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22402 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22403 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22404 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22405 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22406 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22407 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22408 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22409 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22411 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22414 A California innovation composed
22415 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22417 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22419 Hildebrant's Principle:
22420 If you don't know where you are going,
22421 any road will get you there.
22423 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22424 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22425 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22426 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22429 Hindsight is always 20:20.
22432 Hindsight is an exact science.
22435 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22436 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22437 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22438 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22440 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22442 Hire the morally handicapped.
22444 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22445 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22446 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22448 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22451 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22452 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22454 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22455 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22456 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22457 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22458 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22459 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22460 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22461 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22462 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22463 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22464 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22465 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22466 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22468 "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22469 money, he went to Southern California."
22471 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22473 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22476 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22478 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
22481 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22483 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22484 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22485 continues to this day.
22488 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22490 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22491 of the Mexican revolution:
22493 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22494 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22495 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22496 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22497 army where he was then executed."
22499 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22500 i.e. none to speak of.
22503 History is curious stuff
22504 You'd think by now we had enough
22505 Yet the fact remains I fear
22506 They make more of it every year.
22508 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22509 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22512 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22514 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22515 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22517 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22519 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22520 time as bedroom farce.
22522 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22524 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22525 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22526 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22527 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22528 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22529 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22531 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22532 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22533 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22534 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22535 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22537 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22538 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22539 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22540 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22541 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22543 And let me halfway fall in love,
22544 For part of a lonely night,
22545 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22546 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22547 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22548 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22551 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22552 The stapler runs out of staples
22553 only while you are trying to staple something.
22555 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22556 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22557 used against the coloured.
22558 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22561 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22562 they will find an easier way to do it.
22564 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference between
22567 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd know
22568 the difference then."
22569 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
22571 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22572 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22574 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22575 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22576 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22577 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22578 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22579 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22580 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22581 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22582 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22583 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22584 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22585 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22587 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22588 Inside every large problem is a small
22589 problem struggling to get out.
22591 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22593 Hoffer's Discovery:
22594 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22595 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22598 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22599 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22601 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22602 Take a shot every time:
22604 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22605 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22606 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22607 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22608 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22609 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22610 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22611 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22612 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22613 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22614 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22615 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22616 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22617 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22618 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22619 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22620 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22621 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22622 plan is impossible.
22623 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22626 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22628 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22631 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22632 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22634 Tune in again tomorrow:
22635 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22639 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22640 they have to take you in.
22641 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22643 Home is where the hurt is.
22645 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22646 cage is to a cockatoo.
22647 -- George Bernard Shaw
22649 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22650 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22653 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22655 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22658 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22661 "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
22663 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22666 Honesty's the best policy.
22667 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22670 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22673 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22675 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22677 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22680 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22681 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22682 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22683 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22685 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22688 Hope is a waking dream.
22691 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22694 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22696 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22699 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22700 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22703 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22704 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22706 Horngren's Observation:
22707 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22709 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22712 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22715 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22717 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22719 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22720 had towels from my house.
22723 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22726 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22727 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22729 Housework can kill you if done right.
22732 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22735 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22736 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22738 How can you be in two places at once
22739 when you're not anywhere at all?
22741 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22744 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22745 -- Charles de Gaulle
22747 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22750 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22751 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22752 in the waking state?
22755 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22758 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22760 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22762 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22763 claim they'll make you?
22765 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22767 How come we never talk anymore?
22769 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22771 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22772 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22775 How could they think women a recreation?
22776 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22777 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22778 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22779 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22780 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22781 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22782 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22783 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22784 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22785 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22786 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22787 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22788 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22789 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22791 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22792 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22793 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22794 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22795 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22796 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22797 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22798 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22799 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22800 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22801 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22802 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22803 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22804 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22805 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22806 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22808 "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
22810 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22813 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
22814 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
22815 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
22816 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
22817 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
22818 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
22819 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
22820 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
22821 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
22822 examined his claws.
22823 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
22824 hers and not my own, not ever again."
22825 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
22827 How doth the little crocodile
22828 Improve his shining tail,
22829 And pour the waters of the Nile
22830 On every golden scale!
22832 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22833 How neatly spreads his claws,
22834 And welcomes little fishes in,
22835 With gently smiling jaws!
22836 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22838 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22839 Improve its object code.
22840 And even as we speak does it
22841 Increase the system load.
22843 How patiently it seems to run
22844 And spit out error flags,
22845 While users, with frustration, all
22846 Tear their clothes to rags.
22848 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22849 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22850 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22852 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22854 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22855 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22857 How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22858 None: "We'll fix it in software."
22860 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22861 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22863 How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22864 None: "The user can work it out."
22866 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22867 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22869 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22870 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22871 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22872 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22873 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22874 cheese!" and so on.
22875 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22877 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22879 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22881 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22883 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22885 How much does she love you?
22886 Less than you'll ever know.
22888 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22889 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22890 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22892 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22894 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22896 How often I found where I should be going
22897 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22898 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22900 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22902 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22905 How to become a sysop:
22906 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22907 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22908 worked a full day in my life since then.
22911 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22912 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22914 How untasteful can you get?
22916 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22918 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22919 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22921 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22922 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22924 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22926 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22929 How you look depends on where you go.
22932 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22934 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22935 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22938 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22939 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22940 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22941 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22942 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22943 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22944 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22945 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22946 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22947 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22948 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22949 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22950 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22951 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22952 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22953 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22954 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22955 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22956 in the name of "conservatism."
22957 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22959 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22960 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22961 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22962 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22963 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22964 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22965 -- Albuquerque Journal
22968 Don't take life too seriously;
22969 you won't get out of it alive.
22971 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22973 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22978 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22980 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22981 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22982 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22983 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22984 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22985 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22987 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22988 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22990 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22993 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22994 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22998 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
23001 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
23002 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23004 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23006 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23009 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23012 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23013 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23014 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23015 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23016 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23017 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23018 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23019 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23020 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23022 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
23024 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23025 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23026 All the king's horses,
23027 And all the king's men,
23028 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23030 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23032 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23033 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23034 to... to... uh.....
23036 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
23037 time, turns into people.
23041 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23042 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23044 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23045 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23047 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23049 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23051 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23052 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23054 -- Norman Augustine
23056 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23057 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23058 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23059 terrifies people the most.
23062 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23065 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23068 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23069 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23071 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23072 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23073 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23074 -- Richard M. Nixon
23076 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23077 -- Richard M. Nixon
23079 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23080 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23081 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23083 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23086 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23087 It is never any good to oneself.
23088 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23090 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23091 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23093 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23094 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23095 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23097 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23100 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23101 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23102 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23103 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23104 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23105 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23106 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23107 And a cow. And a cow.
23109 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23110 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23111 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23112 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23113 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23114 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23115 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23116 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23117 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23119 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23120 person, you will not sell me another book.
23123 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23125 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23126 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23127 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23129 I am a deeply superficial person.
23132 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23136 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23137 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23139 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23140 computer to be running Win98.
23141 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23143 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23144 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23145 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23147 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23148 -- Winston Churchill
23150 "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23151 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23152 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23153 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23155 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23157 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23158 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23159 is to suffer for others.
23162 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23163 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23164 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23165 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23167 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23168 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23170 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23171 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23172 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23175 "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23176 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23177 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23178 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23179 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
23180 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23182 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23183 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23185 I am looking for a honest man.
23186 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23188 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23195 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23198 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23199 -- William Allen White
23201 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
23204 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
23207 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23210 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23211 -- English Professor
23213 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23214 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23215 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23216 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23219 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23220 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23221 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23223 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
23224 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23225 -- Winston Churchill
23227 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23228 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23229 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23231 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23232 with an option to buy.
23234 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
23236 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23238 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23241 I am two with nature.
23244 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23245 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23248 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
23249 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
23250 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
23251 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23252 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23254 "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23255 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23256 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23257 they don't even invite me."
23260 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23261 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23262 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23263 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23264 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23265 them completely, even molding the keypads.
23266 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23268 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23269 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23277 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23280 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23281 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23282 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23283 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23284 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23285 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23286 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23287 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23288 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23289 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23290 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23291 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23293 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23295 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23296 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23299 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23300 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23301 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23302 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23303 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23304 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23305 the people who might elect him.
23308 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
23309 -- G. K. Chesterton
23311 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23314 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23315 and everything else in the world is fixed.
23316 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23318 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23319 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23320 total discrediting of the world of reality.
23323 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
23326 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
23329 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23330 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23331 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23333 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23334 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23335 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23336 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23337 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23339 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23340 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23341 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23343 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23346 I brake for chezlogs!
23348 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23349 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23350 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23351 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23352 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23353 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23354 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23355 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23356 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23357 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23358 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23359 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23360 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23361 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23362 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23365 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23368 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23369 They're still living in the fifties.
23372 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23374 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23375 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23376 -- Firesign Theatre
23378 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23380 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23381 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23382 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23386 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23387 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23389 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23392 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23393 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23396 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23398 I can relate to that.
23400 "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
23401 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23405 I can resist anything but temptation.
23407 I can see him a'comin'
23408 With his big boots on,
23409 With his big thumb out,
23410 He wants to get me.
23411 He wants to hurt me.
23412 He wants to bring me down.
23413 But some time later,
23414 When I feel a little straighter,
23415 I'll come across a stranger
23416 Who'll remind me of the danger,
23417 And then.... I'll run him over.
23418 Pretty smart on my part!
23419 To find my way... In the dark!
23422 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23423 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23426 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23429 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23430 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23432 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23433 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23434 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23436 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23437 If it be man's work I will do it.
23439 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23441 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23442 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23443 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23444 United States would have lost World War II."
23445 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23447 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23450 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
23453 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
23454 -- Florence Henderson
23456 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23459 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23460 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23461 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23462 Your Socks Outside-in
23463 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23464 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23465 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23466 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23467 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23468 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23470 I can't mate in captivity.
23471 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
23473 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23474 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23477 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23478 -- Albert Anastasia
23480 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23481 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23482 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23483 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23486 I can't understand it.
23487 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
23488 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23490 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23491 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23494 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23495 I'm frightened of the old ones.
23498 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23499 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23503 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23504 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23505 -- Michael Prichard
23507 I consider a new device or technology to have been
23508 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23511 I consider the day misspent that I am not
23512 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23513 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23515 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23516 dance with the cows till you come home.
23519 I could never learn to like her --
23520 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23523 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23525 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
23526 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
23529 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23531 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23532 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23535 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23538 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23539 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23542 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23544 "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
23546 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23547 The curtain was up.
23549 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23550 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23552 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23553 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23554 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23555 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23556 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23558 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23559 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23560 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23562 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23563 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23565 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23567 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23568 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23569 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23570 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23571 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23572 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23574 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23576 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23577 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23578 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23581 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23582 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23583 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23584 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23585 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23586 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23587 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23588 Cardinals backed down and played.
23590 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23593 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23594 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23597 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23598 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23600 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23601 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23602 comes nearest to it of any.
23603 -- Henry David Thoreau
23605 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23606 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23609 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23610 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23611 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23612 devote it to research in mathematics.
23613 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23615 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23616 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23620 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23623 "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23624 don't believe in astrology."
23625 -- James R. F. Quirk
23627 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23628 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23631 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23632 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23633 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23635 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23636 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23637 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23638 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23640 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23641 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23643 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23646 "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23650 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23651 deserve that either.
23654 I don't do it for the money.
23655 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23657 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23660 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23661 -- Katherine Cebrian
23663 I don't get no respect.
23665 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23666 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23668 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23669 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23671 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23672 highly trained certified public accountants.
23675 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23676 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23677 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23679 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23680 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23683 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23686 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23687 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23690 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23691 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23694 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23695 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23697 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23699 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23700 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23703 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23705 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23706 with Dutch Schultz.
23708 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23709 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23710 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23713 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23716 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23717 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23720 "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
23723 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23724 streets and frighten the horses.
23727 I don't need no arms around me...
23728 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23729 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23730 Don't think I need anything at all.
23731 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23732 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23733 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23734 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23736 "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
23738 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23740 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23741 he starts to practice law.
23742 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23745 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23746 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23747 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23749 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23751 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23752 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23753 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23755 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23756 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23758 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23759 you human beings don't."
23762 I don't understand you anymore.
23764 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23765 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23767 I don't want a pickle,
23768 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23769 And I don't want to die,
23770 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23773 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23776 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23777 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23780 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23781 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23782 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23783 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23784 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23785 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23786 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23789 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23791 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23794 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23796 I dote on his very absence.
23797 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23799 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23801 "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23802 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23803 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23804 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
23805 -- George Bernard Shaw
23807 I drink to make other people interesting.
23808 -- George Jean Nathan
23810 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23812 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23814 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23816 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23818 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23820 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23821 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23822 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23824 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23825 honest difference of opinion.
23828 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23829 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23832 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23833 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23836 "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
23838 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23841 "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23842 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
23845 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23846 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23847 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23848 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23850 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23851 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23852 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23853 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23855 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23856 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23857 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23858 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23860 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
23861 minutes of my life!
23863 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23866 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23869 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23870 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23871 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23872 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23874 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23875 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23876 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23877 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23880 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23881 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23883 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23886 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23889 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
23890 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
23891 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
23892 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
23893 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
23894 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
23895 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
23896 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
23897 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
23898 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
23899 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
23900 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
23901 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
23902 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
23906 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23907 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23908 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23911 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23915 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23918 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23919 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23920 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23921 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23922 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23923 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23924 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23927 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23930 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23931 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23933 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23934 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23935 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23936 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23938 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23940 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23941 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23942 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23943 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23945 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23946 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23947 win -- or even how you won.
23950 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23951 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23954 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23955 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23956 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23957 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23959 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23962 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23963 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23964 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23966 I had a dream last night...
23967 I dreamt about 1976.
23968 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23969 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23970 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23971 so I went back to sleep again.
23972 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23974 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23975 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23976 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23977 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23978 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23979 dinner and I let it go.
23980 -- Winston Churchill
23982 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23983 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23987 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23988 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23989 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23991 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23992 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23996 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23997 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23998 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23999 power to make things different is a bitch.
24002 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24003 so I took his shoes.
24006 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24007 implement a PL/1 compiler.
24010 "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24011 Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
24014 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
24016 I hate babies. They're so human.
24022 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24023 it's going to be up all night.
24026 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24027 and I know how bad I am.
24031 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24033 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24034 there's nothing else to do.
24037 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24038 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24041 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24042 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24043 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24044 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24045 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24046 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24047 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24048 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24049 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24052 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24053 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24054 and just keeps on typing.
24057 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24058 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24059 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24060 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24062 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24063 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24064 I just... to make a long story short..."
24067 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24068 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
24070 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24071 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24075 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24076 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24077 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24078 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24080 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24081 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24082 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24083 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24084 -- Robert L. Stevenson
24086 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24087 I spent last summer folding it.
24088 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24091 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24094 I have a simple philosophy:
24098 Scratch where it itches.
24101 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24102 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24103 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24106 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24108 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24109 but I can't prove it.
24111 "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24114 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24115 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24117 I have a very strange feeling about this...
24120 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24121 sacrifice my wife's brother.
24124 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24125 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24126 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24128 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24131 I have become me without my consent.
24133 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
24134 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
24135 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24137 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24139 -- George Bernard Shaw
24141 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24142 to sit still in a room.
24145 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
24146 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
24147 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24149 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24150 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24151 support of the woman I love.
24152 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24153 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24154 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24156 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24157 most of them are trash.
24160 I have gained this by philosophy:
24161 that I do without being commanded what others
24162 do only from fear of the law.
24165 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24168 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24169 of a prostate operation.
24170 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24172 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24175 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24176 I do believe that is a record.
24177 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24179 "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24180 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24181 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24182 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24183 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24184 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24185 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
24188 I have learned silence from the talkative,
24189 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24193 To spell hors d'oeuvres
24194 Which still grates on
24195 Some people's n'oeuvres.
24198 I have lots of things in my pockets;
24199 None of them is worth anything.
24200 Sociopolitical whines aside,
24201 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24202 The price of half a gallon
24204 And most of the bus fare home.
24206 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
24207 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
24208 -- James Gordon Bennett
24210 I have made this letter longer than usual
24211 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
24214 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24216 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24218 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24220 I have never been one to sacrifice
24221 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24222 -- A. M. Readyhough
24224 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24227 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24230 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24231 gone in two years. He was half right.
24232 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24234 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24237 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24238 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24242 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24243 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24246 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24247 As seas of ink I spatter.
24248 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24249 The other kind don't matter.
24250 -- Robert W. Service
24252 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24253 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24254 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24255 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24257 I have not yet begun to byte!
24259 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24262 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24263 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24264 be blockhead enough to have me.
24267 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24270 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24273 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24274 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24275 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24276 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24277 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24278 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24279 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
24280 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24281 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24282 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24283 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24284 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24285 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24286 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24287 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24288 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24289 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24290 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24291 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24292 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24293 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
24294 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24295 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24296 be economized by the aid of machinery.
24297 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24299 "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
24300 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24302 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24304 I have that old biological urge,
24305 I have that old irresistible surge,
24308 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
24311 "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24312 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24315 "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24316 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24318 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24321 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24322 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24323 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24324 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24325 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24326 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24327 science of data processing), c. 1957
24329 "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24330 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24331 beating up a child."
24334 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24335 -- John D. Rockefeller
24337 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24338 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24341 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
24343 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
24345 I hear the sound that the machines make,
24346 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24348 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24350 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24351 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24352 more than he knows.
24353 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24355 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24356 -- Thomas Jefferson
24358 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24359 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24360 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24361 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24363 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24364 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24365 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24366 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24368 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24370 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24371 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24373 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24376 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24380 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24381 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24382 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24383 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24384 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24386 I just got out of the hospital after a
24387 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24390 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24393 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
24396 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24397 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
24400 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24401 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24402 -- Arturo Toscanini
24404 I knew her before she was a virgin.
24405 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24407 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24408 If I could just remember what it was.
24410 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24411 take one along that worked.
24412 -- Raymond Chandler
24414 I know if you been talkin' you done said
24415 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24416 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24417 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24418 But don't you get square!
24419 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24420 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24422 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24424 I know not how I came into this,
24425 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24428 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
24429 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
24432 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24435 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24436 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
24439 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24440 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24441 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24443 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24444 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24447 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
24448 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24449 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24450 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24451 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
24452 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24454 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24455 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24458 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24459 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24461 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24463 I lately lost a preposition;
24464 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24465 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24466 Up from out of under there."
24468 Correctness is my vade mecum,
24469 And straggling phrases I abhor,
24470 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24471 Up from out of under for?"
24474 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24475 Waitin' for the double E.
24476 The railroad don't run no more.
24477 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24478 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24479 These young girls won't let me be,
24480 Lord have mercy on me!
24483 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24484 Well, I ain't naming names.
24485 But she really worked me over good,
24486 She was just like Jesse James.
24487 She really worked me over good,
24488 She was a credit to her gender.
24489 She put me through some changes, boy,
24490 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24492 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24493 She asked me if I'd beat her.
24494 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24495 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24496 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24498 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24499 didn't is just lyin'!
24502 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
24505 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24506 that kidnapped Europa.
24507 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24509 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24510 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24511 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24512 the way and let them have it.
24513 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24515 "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
24517 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24519 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24522 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
24524 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24526 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24527 to bite people themselves.
24528 -- August Strindberg
24530 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24531 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24534 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24535 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24538 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24539 someone takes them away.
24542 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24543 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24545 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24548 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24551 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24552 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
24553 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24555 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24556 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24558 "I love to eat them Smurfies
24559 Smurfies what I love to eat
24560 Bite they ugly heads off,
24561 Nibble on they bluish feet."
24563 I love treason but hate a traitor.
24564 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24566 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24569 I love you, not only for what you are,
24570 but for what I am when I am with you.
24573 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24574 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24576 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24578 I married beneath me. All women do.
24579 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24581 "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24582 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24584 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24586 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24588 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24591 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24592 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24594 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24595 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24597 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24598 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24601 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24605 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24606 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24607 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24609 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24610 -- Alexander Woolcott
24612 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24613 week sometimes to make it up.
24614 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24616 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24618 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24619 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24620 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24621 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24624 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24625 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24626 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24627 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24628 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24630 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24631 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24633 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24635 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24638 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24639 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24643 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24644 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24645 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24647 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24648 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24651 I never did it that way before.
24653 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24654 places they do today.
24657 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24658 could do was to go away.
24660 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24663 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24666 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24669 I never made a mistake in my life.
24670 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24673 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24674 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24676 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24678 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24680 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24681 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24683 I never saw a purple cow
24684 I never hope to see one
24685 But I can tell you anyhow
24686 I'd rather see than be one.
24689 I've never seen a purple cow
24690 I never hope to see one
24691 But from the milk we're getting now
24692 There certainly must be one
24695 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24696 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24697 But I can tell you anyhow
24698 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24699 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24701 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24703 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24706 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24707 -- George Bernard Shaw
24709 I only know what I read in the papers.
24712 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
24713 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24715 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24716 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24717 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24718 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24719 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24720 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24721 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24722 -- Letters From Colette
24725 It's off to work I go...
24727 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24731 I owe the public nothing.
24734 I own my own body, but I share.
24736 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24737 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24738 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24739 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24740 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24741 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24743 -- Thomas Jefferson
24745 "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24746 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24747 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24748 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24749 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24750 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24752 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24754 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24755 of the United States of America
24756 and to the republic for which it stands,
24760 and justice for all.
24761 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24763 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24766 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24768 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24769 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24771 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24774 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24777 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24778 -- William F. Buckley
24780 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24781 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24784 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
24787 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24788 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24789 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24790 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24791 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24792 aspire to crudeness.
24793 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24795 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24798 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24799 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24800 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24801 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24803 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24804 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24807 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24808 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24810 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24813 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24814 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24815 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24816 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24819 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24820 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24821 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24822 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24823 write about, such as nose-picking.
24824 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24827 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
24828 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
24829 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
24830 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
24831 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
24832 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
24834 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24835 -- Marilyn Chambers
24837 I really hate this damned machine
24838 I wish that they would sell it.
24839 It never does quite what I want
24840 But only what I tell it.
24842 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24843 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24844 something of what has been passing in their time.
24847 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
24848 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
24849 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
24850 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
24854 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24855 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24856 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24859 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24860 believing that some men are my equals.
24863 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24865 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24866 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24867 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24868 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24869 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24870 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24871 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24872 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24875 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24876 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24877 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24879 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24883 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24884 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24887 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24890 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24891 woman should marry -- and no man.
24892 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24894 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24895 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24896 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24897 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24898 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24899 if they don't get it.
24902 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
24903 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
24904 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
24905 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
24906 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
24908 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24909 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24911 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24912 'Round and round they sped.
24913 I was disturbed at this,
24914 I accosted the man,
24915 "It is futile," I said.
24917 "You lie!" He cried,
24921 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24924 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24925 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24928 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24930 I see a bad moon rising.
24931 I see trouble on the way.
24932 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24933 I see bad times today.
24934 Don't go 'round tonight,
24935 It's bound to take your life.
24936 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24937 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24939 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24940 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24941 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24943 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24944 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24945 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24946 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24947 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24949 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24950 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24951 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24952 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24954 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24955 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24956 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24957 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24958 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24959 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24960 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24961 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24962 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24963 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24965 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24966 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24968 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24969 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24971 I sent a message to another time,
24972 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24973 I sent a message to another plane,
24974 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24976 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24977 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24978 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24979 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24980 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24981 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24983 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24984 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24985 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24986 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24987 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24989 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24990 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24992 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24994 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24995 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24996 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24997 that matters, but victory.
25000 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25001 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25005 -- graffito in San Francisco
25007 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25008 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25011 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25012 most western countries.
25017 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25018 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25021 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25025 I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
25029 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25031 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25032 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25034 I stick my neck out for nobody.
25035 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25037 I stood on the leading edge,
25038 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25039 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25040 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25041 Go on and give it a try,
25042 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25043 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25045 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25046 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
25049 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
25052 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25053 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25054 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25055 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25057 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25059 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25060 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25061 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25062 That needs a helping hand,
25063 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25064 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25066 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25067 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25068 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25069 are worth considering, to wit:
25072 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25073 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25076 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25077 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25078 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25082 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25085 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25086 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25087 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25088 are worth considering, to wit:
25091 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25092 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25093 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25096 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25097 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25098 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25101 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25102 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25104 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25105 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25106 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25107 are worth considering, to wit:
25110 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25111 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25114 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25115 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25116 a 5' parking space."
25119 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25120 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25122 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25123 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25125 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
25126 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25129 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25130 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25131 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25133 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25134 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25135 munchies, and ate the other half.
25137 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25138 bottle stuck up my nose.
25139 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25141 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25142 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25144 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25145 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25146 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25147 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25149 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25150 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25151 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25152 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25154 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25157 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25158 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25161 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25162 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25163 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25167 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25168 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25169 -- The Life of Brian
25171 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25174 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25175 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25177 "I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
25178 because I couldn't remember the proof."
25179 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25181 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25182 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25184 "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25186 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25187 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25188 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25190 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25191 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25192 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25193 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25194 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25197 I think that I shall never hear
25198 A poem lovelier than beer.
25199 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25200 With golden base and snowy cap.
25201 The stuff that I can drink all day
25202 Until my mem'ry melts away.
25203 Poems are made by fools, I fear
25204 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25206 I think that I shall never see
25207 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25208 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
25209 I'll never see a tree at all.
25212 I think that I shall never see
25213 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25214 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25215 I'll never see a tree at all.
25218 I think that I shall never see
25219 A thing as lovely as a tree.
25220 But as you see the trees have gone
25221 They went this morning with the dawn.
25222 A logging firm from out of town
25223 Came and chopped the trees all down.
25224 But I will trick those dirty skunks
25225 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
25227 "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25228 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25229 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25230 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25231 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25232 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25233 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25234 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25235 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
25236 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25238 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25239 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25242 I think the world is run by C students.
25245 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25246 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25247 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25249 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25250 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25251 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25253 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25255 I think, therefore I am... I think.
25257 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25258 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25260 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25262 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25264 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25267 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25268 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25269 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25270 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25271 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25272 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25273 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25274 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25276 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25278 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25279 -- Firesign Theatre
25281 I think we're in trouble.
25284 I think your opinions are reasonable,
25285 except for the one about my mental instability.
25286 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
25288 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25289 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25290 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25291 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25292 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25293 They had so much in common, you'd say.
25294 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25295 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25296 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25297 She sent one from some past high school day,
25298 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25299 If they hadn't met in L.A.
25300 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25301 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25302 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25303 If you were not so totally weird!"
25304 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25305 And he had not done just the same,
25306 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25307 And would not have had fun with the game.
25309 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
25311 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25313 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25315 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25317 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25318 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25320 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25321 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25325 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25326 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25328 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25330 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25331 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25332 and drown myself in the noise.
25333 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25335 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25336 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25338 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25341 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25342 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25344 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25345 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25346 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25348 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25349 I never have to go upstairs.
25351 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25352 front of it in only eight minutes.
25355 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25358 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25361 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25364 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25365 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25366 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25367 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25368 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25369 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25373 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25375 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25378 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25381 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25382 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25383 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25384 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25385 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25386 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25387 No more, Mr. Clean,
25388 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25389 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25391 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25392 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25393 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25394 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25395 And punched me in the nose, he said,
25397 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25398 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25400 I used to have a drinking problem.
25401 Now I love the stuff.
25403 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25404 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25406 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25407 like I'm the only one moving.
25409 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25410 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25411 to be out that long."
25413 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
25414 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25417 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25418 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25419 more mature than I am.
25421 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
25423 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25424 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25425 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25428 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
25429 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
25432 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
25436 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
25437 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
25438 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
25439 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
25443 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25445 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25446 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25448 "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
25449 Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
25451 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25453 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25456 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25458 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25459 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25460 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25461 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25462 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25463 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25465 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25467 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25468 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25471 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25472 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25473 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25477 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25478 Trouble I love and peace I despise
25479 Wild horses kicked me in my side
25480 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25483 "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25484 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25485 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25486 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25487 get off my driveway."
25490 I was eatin' some chop suey,
25491 With a lady in St. Louie,
25492 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25493 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25494 Roll this rocker out some money,
25495 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25498 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
25499 I said I didn't know.
25502 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25503 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25504 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25505 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25506 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25507 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25508 that all the time..."
25509 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25511 I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25512 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25515 I was in accord with the system so long as it
25516 permitted me to function effectively.
25519 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25520 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25521 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25522 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25523 avoiding the beach.
25524 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25526 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25527 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25530 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25531 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25532 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
25533 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25534 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25535 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25536 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25537 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25538 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25539 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25540 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25542 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25543 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25544 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25545 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25547 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
25548 full house and four people died.
25551 I was the best I ever had.
25554 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25557 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25558 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25559 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25560 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25561 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25563 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25566 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
25569 I went home with a waitress,
25570 The way I always do.
25571 How I was I to know?
25572 She was with the Russians too.
25574 I was gambling in Havana,
25575 I took a little risk.
25576 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
25577 Dad, get me out of this.
25578 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25580 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
25584 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25585 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25589 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
25590 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
25591 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
25592 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
25593 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
25594 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
25595 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25596 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25597 program to the point where it would not run at all.
25598 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25599 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25601 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25602 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25604 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25605 As if you just squashed a cop.
25606 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25608 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25612 "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25613 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25614 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25616 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25620 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
25621 French toast during the Renaissance.
25624 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
25625 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
25628 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25629 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25630 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25631 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25633 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25634 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25636 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25639 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25640 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25642 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25644 "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25645 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25649 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25650 statues that are in all the other museums."
25653 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25654 it took seven others to beat him!
25656 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25658 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25659 but not into it if I can help it.
25660 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25662 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25663 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25664 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25665 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25666 writing on this stone!
25669 I will make you shorter by the head.
25672 I will never lie to you.
25674 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25678 I will not get drunk!
25680 I will not in public!
25682 I will not fall down!
25684 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25686 I will not forget you.
25688 I will not play at tug o' war.
25689 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25690 Where everyone hugs
25692 Where everyone giggles
25693 And rolls on the rug,
25694 Where everyone kisses,
25695 And everyone grins,
25696 And everyone cuddles,
25698 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25700 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25704 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25705 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25708 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25710 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25712 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25713 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25717 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25719 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25721 I woke up a feelin' mean
25722 went down to play the slot machine
25723 the wheels turned round,
25724 and the letters read
25725 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25728 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25729 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25730 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25731 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25734 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25735 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25736 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25737 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25740 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25741 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25743 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25744 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25747 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25748 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25749 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25750 after we've been home a long while.
25753 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25754 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25757 I would have made a good pope.
25760 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25761 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25762 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25765 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25766 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25767 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25768 forget or do not know.
25769 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25771 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25772 referring to image activation and termination.]
25774 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25775 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25776 our tasks will be solved.
25777 -- Warren G. Harding
25779 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25780 with income tax policies.
25781 -- William F. Buckley
25783 I would like to know
25784 What I was fencing in
25785 And what I was fencing out.
25788 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
25789 to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
25790 In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
25793 I would much rather have men ask why
25794 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25795 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25797 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25798 they're being taped.
25801 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25802 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25804 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25805 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25806 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25808 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25809 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25811 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25813 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25815 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25816 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25817 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25819 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25821 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25822 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25838 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25839 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25840 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25841 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25842 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25843 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25847 Idiots Become Managers
25849 Impossible to Buy Machine
25850 Incredibly Big Machine
25851 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25852 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25853 It Boggles the Mind
25854 It's Better Manually
25855 Itty-Bitty Machines
25857 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25858 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25859 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25862 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25863 And everywhere this language went,
25864 It was a total loss.
25866 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25868 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25869 Machines should work. People should think.
25871 IBM's original motto:
25872 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25874 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25877 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25879 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25881 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25884 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25885 -- Princess Leia Organa
25887 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25888 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25890 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25892 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25894 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25895 whole field to private industry.
25898 "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25901 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
25903 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25906 "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25909 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
25912 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
25915 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
25916 Julian to Gregorian."
25918 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
25921 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
25923 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
25924 cottage cheese sculpture."
25926 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
25928 "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
25930 "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
25933 "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
25935 "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25938 "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25941 "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
25942 need worrying about."
25944 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25945 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25947 I'd never cry if I did find
25948 A blue whale in my soup...
25949 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25950 Inside a chicken coop.
25951 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25952 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25953 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25954 They've put acid in my rain.
25957 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25960 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25961 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25964 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25966 "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
25968 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25971 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25973 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25976 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25978 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25979 Than cry with the saints,
25980 The sinners are much more fun!
25981 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25983 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25985 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25986 solitary confinement.
25988 Identify your visitor.
25991 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25992 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25993 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25996 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25997 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25998 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26001 Leisure gone to seed.
26003 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26005 "If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
26006 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
26007 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
26008 well that would be enough immortality for me."
26009 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
26011 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26014 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26015 at about 30 miles/second.
26016 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26018 "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26021 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
26022 is a camel's behind.
26023 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26025 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26027 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26028 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26030 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
26031 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
26034 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26037 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
26038 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26041 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26042 really a guru at all?
26043 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26045 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
26046 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
26047 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26049 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26050 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26051 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26052 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26054 If a listener nods his head when you're
26055 explaining your program, wake him up.
26057 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26058 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26060 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26063 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26064 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26066 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26067 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26068 -- Albert Schweitzer
26070 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26071 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26072 it might well prolong his life.
26073 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26075 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26076 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
26077 -- Thomas Jefferson
26079 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26080 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26081 will lose that, too.
26082 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26084 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26085 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26086 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26087 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26089 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26091 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
26092 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
26093 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
26094 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26097 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26098 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26101 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26102 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26103 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26105 If a system is administered wisely,
26106 its users will be content.
26107 They enjoy hacking their code
26108 and don't waste time implementing
26109 labor-saving shell scripts.
26110 Since they dearly love their accounts,
26111 they aren't interested in other machines.
26112 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26113 but these don't access any hosts.
26114 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26115 but nobody ever uses them.
26116 People enjoy reading their mail,
26117 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26118 spend weekends working at their terminals,
26119 delight in the doings at the site.
26120 And even though the next system is so close
26121 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26122 they are content to die of old age
26123 without ever having gone to see it.
26125 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
26126 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
26127 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
26128 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
26129 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
26132 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26133 -- G. K. Chesterton
26135 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26138 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26140 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26141 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26142 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26145 If all be true that I do think,
26146 There be five reasons why one should drink;
26147 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26148 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26149 Or any other reason why.
26151 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
26152 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26154 If all else fails, lower your standards.
26156 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26158 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26159 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26160 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26162 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26163 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26166 If all the seas were ink,
26167 And all the reeds were pens,
26168 And all the skies were parchment,
26169 And all the men could write,
26170 These would not suffice
26171 To write down all the red tape
26172 Of this Government.
26174 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26177 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
26178 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
26181 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26182 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26183 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26184 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
26185 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26186 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26187 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26188 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26189 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26191 If an S and an I and an O and a U
26192 With an X at the end spell Su;
26193 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26194 Pray what is a speller to do?
26195 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26196 And an HED spell side,
26197 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26198 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26199 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26201 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26202 car he ever lays down in front of.
26205 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26206 let him become president of Harvard.
26209 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26210 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26211 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26212 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26214 If anything can go wrong, it will.
26216 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26218 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26220 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26222 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26224 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26226 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
26227 No use being a damn fool about it.
26229 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26232 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26233 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26236 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26238 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26240 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26241 -- Leonard Levinson
26243 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26245 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26246 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26247 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26248 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26249 plentiful as blackberries.
26252 If bankers can count, how come they have
26253 eight windows and only four tellers?
26255 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26256 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26257 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26259 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26260 but illegal purposes.
26263 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26265 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26268 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26272 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26274 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26278 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26280 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26281 deserve to have any.
26282 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in
26283 a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon
26284 his conviction for sodomy.
26286 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26288 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26289 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26291 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26293 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26294 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26296 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26298 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26299 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26300 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26302 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26303 around a deal faster.
26304 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26306 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26308 If everything on the road of life seems to
26309 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26311 If everything seems to be going well,
26312 you have obviously overlooked something.
26314 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26315 -- Bertrand Russell
26317 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26319 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26320 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26321 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26322 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26323 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26324 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26327 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26328 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26330 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26333 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26335 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26337 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26339 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
26340 would have only had ten disciples.
26342 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26344 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
26346 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
26348 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
26349 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
26351 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26353 If God had not given us sticky tape,
26354 it would have been necessary to invent it.
26356 If God had really intended men to fly,
26357 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26360 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26361 have made them cute and furry.
26364 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26367 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
26368 He would have given you bigger hands.
26370 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26371 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26373 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26375 If God is One, what is bad?
26378 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26380 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
26383 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26386 If God wanted us to have a President,
26387 He would have sent us a candidate.
26388 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26390 If graphics hackers are so smart,
26391 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26393 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
26395 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26398 If he had only learnt a little less, how
26399 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26401 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26402 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26403 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26404 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26406 If he should ever change his faith,
26407 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26409 "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
26410 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
26412 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26413 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26415 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26418 If I could read your mind, love,
26419 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26420 Just like a paperback novel,
26421 The kind the drugstore sells,
26422 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26423 The hero would be me,
26425 You won't read that book again, because
26426 the ending is just too hard to take.
26428 I walk away, like a movie star,
26429 Who gets burned in a three way script,
26431 A movie queen to play the scene
26432 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26433 But for now, love, let's be real
26434 I never thought I could act this way,
26435 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26436 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26437 And I just can't get it back...
26438 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26440 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26441 I would spill it all over the stage.
26442 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26443 Would you think the boy was strange?
26446 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26447 Suicide right on the stage,
26448 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26449 Would it help to ease the pain?
26451 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26453 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
26456 If I don't drive around the park,
26457 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26458 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26459 I may get back my looks again.
26460 If I abstain from fun and such,
26461 I'll probably amount to much;
26462 But I shall stay the way I am,
26463 Because I do not give a damn.
26466 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26468 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26469 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26470 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26471 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26472 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26474 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26476 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26477 got to be a better way.
26478 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26480 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
26481 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
26482 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26484 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26487 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26488 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26491 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26492 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26494 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26495 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26496 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26497 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26498 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26499 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26500 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26501 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26502 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26503 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26504 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26505 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26506 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26507 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26508 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26509 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26511 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26514 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26515 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26517 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26519 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26520 shoulders of giants.
26523 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26524 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26527 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26531 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26534 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26535 stand on each other's toes.
26538 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26539 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26540 software engineers dig each other's graves.
26543 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26544 shoulders of giants.
26547 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
26548 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26551 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
26555 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
26558 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26561 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
26562 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
26563 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
26565 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
26566 -- Johann van Goethe
26568 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
26569 just couldn't help myself.
26572 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
26573 -- Alan Parsons Project
26575 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
26576 I'm an engineer working on something.
26579 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
26581 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
26582 As Dame Fortune did intend,
26583 Murphy would be there to tell me
26584 The pot's at the other end.
26587 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
26589 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
26590 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
26593 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
26594 because I can't swim.
26597 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
26598 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
26601 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
26603 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
26606 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
26607 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
26609 If in doubt, mumble.
26611 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
26613 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26615 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
26616 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
26618 If it happens once, it's a bug.
26619 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
26620 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
26622 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
26624 If it heals good, say it.
26626 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
26627 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
26630 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
26632 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
26635 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
26638 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
26640 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26642 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26644 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26645 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26647 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26648 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26649 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26650 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26651 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26654 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26656 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26658 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26660 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26662 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26664 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26666 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26667 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26671 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26672 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26673 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26674 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26675 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26676 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26677 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26678 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26680 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26681 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26682 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26685 If Khaan behaves as serfs
26686 Lose entire states and all estates.
26687 If serfs behave as Khaan
26688 He will regret for his head.
26689 In time of friendship and harmony
26690 Befriend as closely
26691 In time of conflict with enemies
26692 Be falcon of advance and attacks
26693 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
26695 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26697 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26699 If life is merely a joke, the question
26700 still remains: for whose amusement?
26702 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26704 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26707 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26708 you've got in the house.
26709 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26711 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26714 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26715 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26717 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26720 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26722 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26723 -- Mary Wilson Little
26725 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26726 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26728 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26729 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26732 If men are not afraid to die,
26733 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26735 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26736 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26737 Who will dare to break the law?
26739 There is always an official executioner.
26740 If you try to take his place,
26741 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26742 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26743 you will only hurt your hand.
26744 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26746 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26748 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26749 be a merrier world.
26750 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26752 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26753 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26754 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26755 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26757 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26758 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26761 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26762 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26763 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26764 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26765 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26766 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26767 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26768 get an unfair advantage.
26769 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26771 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26774 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26776 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26778 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26781 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26782 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26783 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26785 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26787 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26789 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26790 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26792 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26794 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26795 -- George Bernard Shaw
26797 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26798 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26800 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26801 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26804 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26805 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26808 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26809 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26811 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26813 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26814 will take sandwiches.
26817 Eats first, morals after.
26818 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26820 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26821 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26824 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26825 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26827 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26829 If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26830 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26831 an optional preceding '+' ).
26834 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26835 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26838 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26839 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26841 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26843 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26845 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26847 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26850 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26852 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26853 Eating components of soured milk.
26854 On at least one occasion,
26855 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26856 Or at least in her vicinity,
26857 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26858 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26859 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26861 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26862 pool cues, who would win?
26865 3) The television viewing public
26868 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26871 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26872 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26873 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26874 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26877 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26881 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26883 Their romance might have flourished.
26884 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26886 Love could not help but die,
26887 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26889 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26892 If some people didn't tell you,
26893 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26895 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26896 one day, I would have studied harder.
26897 -- Pope John Paul I
26899 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26901 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26902 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26904 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26907 "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
26908 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26910 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26911 presumably flunk it.
26914 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
26915 and never be our destiny.
26916 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
26918 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26919 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26920 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26921 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26923 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26924 this would be a better world.
26925 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26927 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26930 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26931 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26932 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26933 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26934 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26935 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26936 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26937 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26938 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26939 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26940 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26941 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26942 put on a professor.
26943 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26945 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26946 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26947 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26949 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
26951 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26954 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26955 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26958 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26960 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26963 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26964 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26966 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26967 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26969 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26970 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26972 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26973 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26975 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26976 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26978 "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26980 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26982 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26983 I would have recommended something simpler.
26984 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26985 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26987 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26988 the lives of both have been wasted.
26990 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26991 then this sentence would not be false.
26993 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26994 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26997 If the odds are a million to one against something
26998 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
27000 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
27003 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
27004 what a living the poor could make!
27006 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27008 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27009 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27012 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27014 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27015 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27016 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27017 paper folding, or something.
27020 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27021 -- Chief Dan George
27023 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
27024 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
27025 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
27026 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
27027 -- Reverend Chichester
27029 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27031 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27032 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27034 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27035 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27039 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27040 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27042 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27043 can't afford divorce.
27046 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27049 If there is no wind, row.
27052 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27053 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27056 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27058 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27059 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27060 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27061 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27063 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27064 something out of you.
27067 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27069 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27070 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27071 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27075 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27076 him because they don't like his necktie.
27077 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27079 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27081 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27083 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27086 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27088 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27091 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27094 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27095 doing the thinking.
27096 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27098 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27100 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27102 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27103 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27104 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27106 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27107 -- Ernest Hemingway
27109 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27110 -- Laurence J. Peter
27112 "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
27114 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27115 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27117 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27119 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27120 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27122 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27123 all be millionaires.
27124 -- Abigail Van Buren
27126 If we do not change our direction we are
27127 likely to end up where we are headed.
27129 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27132 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27136 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27137 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27138 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27139 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27142 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27143 It's the light of an oncoming train.
27146 If we spoke a different language, we
27147 would perceive a somewhat different world.
27150 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27151 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27154 "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27156 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27159 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27161 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27163 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27165 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27166 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27167 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27168 -- Marguerite Emmons
27170 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27172 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27173 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27174 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27175 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27178 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27179 -- Aristotle Onassis
27181 "If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
27182 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
27183 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is."
27186 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27187 Quit work and play for once!
27189 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27192 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27193 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27195 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27196 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27199 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27202 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27204 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27205 good, you will get out of it.
27207 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27208 your honesty is corrupt.
27210 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27211 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27212 -- Abigail Van Buren
27214 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27215 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27218 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27219 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27221 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27223 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27224 by your parents, we will cash your check.
27226 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27227 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27230 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27231 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27233 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27235 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27237 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27238 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27240 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
27243 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27244 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27246 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27248 If you can read this, you're too close.
27250 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27252 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27255 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27256 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27257 -- Edwim Schrodinger
27259 If you can't be good, be careful.
27260 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
27262 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27264 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27266 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27268 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27269 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27271 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27273 If you catch a man, throw him back.
27274 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27276 If you continually give you will continually have.
27278 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27279 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27281 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27283 If you didn't have most of your friends,
27284 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27286 If you didn't have to work so hard,
27287 you'd have more time to be depressed.
27289 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27292 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27293 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27296 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27298 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27300 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27302 -- Mordecai Richler
27304 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27305 would have happened if you had done it.
27307 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27309 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27311 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27314 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27317 If you don't have the time right now,
27318 will you have redo right time later?
27320 If you don't have time to do it right, where
27321 are you going to find the time to do it over?
27323 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27325 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27327 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27330 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27331 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27333 "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
27334 Lavoris in the toilet."
27337 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27339 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27340 either of you for the rest of the day.
27342 "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27343 have to get a toehold in the public eye."
27345 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27346 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
27347 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27348 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
27349 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27350 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27351 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
27352 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27353 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27354 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27355 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27356 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27357 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27358 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27359 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27360 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27361 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27362 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27363 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27366 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27369 If you explain something so clearly that no
27370 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27372 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27374 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27375 the solution may become your next problem.
27377 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27379 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27380 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27381 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27383 If you fool around with something long
27384 enough, it will eventually break.
27386 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27388 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
27389 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
27390 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
27392 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
27393 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
27394 -- Winston Churchill
27396 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27397 so as not to disturb those around you.
27399 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27400 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27404 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27406 If you had better tools, you could more
27407 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27409 If you had just one moment to live
27410 And they granted you one special wish
27411 Would you ask for something
27412 Like another chance.
27413 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27415 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27416 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27418 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27420 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27423 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27425 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27426 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27427 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27428 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27429 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27430 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27431 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27432 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27433 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27434 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27436 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27438 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27441 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27443 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27446 If you have to hate, hate gently.
27448 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27450 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27451 in chartered accountancy beckons.
27452 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27455 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27456 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27459 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
27460 yourself in the posterior.
27461 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27463 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27465 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27469 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27471 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27474 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27477 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27478 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27481 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27482 365 useless things.
27484 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27486 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27489 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27490 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27492 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
27493 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
27496 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27497 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27498 -- Garrison Keillor
27500 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27501 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27503 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27504 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27506 If you lose a son you can always get another,
27507 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27508 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27510 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
27511 he'll get rich or famous or both.
27513 If you love someone, set them free.
27514 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27516 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27517 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27519 If you make a mistake you right it
27520 immediately to the best of your ability.
27522 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27523 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27524 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27526 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27527 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27529 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27530 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27533 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
27534 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
27536 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27539 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27540 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27542 If you need anything just whistle.
27543 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27544 Just put your lips together and blow.
27545 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
27547 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
27548 they must not be deceiving you very well.
27550 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
27553 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27554 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
27557 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
27558 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
27561 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
27562 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
27565 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
27566 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
27567 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
27569 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
27571 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
27572 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
27573 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
27576 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
27580 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
27581 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
27582 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
27583 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
27584 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
27585 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
27586 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
27589 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
27591 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
27593 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
27594 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
27595 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
27597 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
27599 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
27600 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
27601 -- Swami Prabhupada
27603 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
27606 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
27608 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
27610 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
27611 many it's research.
27614 If you stew apples like cranberries,
27615 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
27618 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
27619 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
27620 Or some joker who is slicker,
27621 Will trick you of your liquor,
27622 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
27624 If you stick your head in the sand,
27625 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
27627 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
27629 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
27633 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
27634 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
27637 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
27640 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
27642 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
27643 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
27645 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
27646 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
27648 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
27649 try missing a couple of car payments.
27652 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27653 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27656 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27657 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27660 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27663 If you think the system is working,
27664 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27666 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27667 shopping center in the world?
27668 -- Richard M. Nixon
27670 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27671 lack sufficient imagination.
27673 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27674 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27675 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27677 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27678 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27679 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27680 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27681 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27683 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27684 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27685 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27686 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27687 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27690 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27691 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27694 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27695 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27696 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27698 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
27699 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
27702 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27703 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27705 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27707 "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
27710 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27711 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27713 If you want divine justice, die.
27716 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27717 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27720 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27723 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27724 read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
27727 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27729 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27733 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27736 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27738 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27742 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27743 -- Harry Blackstone
27745 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27746 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27747 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27748 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27749 the word "National".
27752 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27753 you say, talk in your sleep.
27755 "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27756 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27757 even if they don't know what it means."
27758 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27760 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27762 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27763 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27766 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27767 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27768 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27769 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27772 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27774 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27776 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27777 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27780 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27781 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27782 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27783 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27784 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27785 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27786 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27787 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27788 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27789 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27792 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27794 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27797 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27798 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27800 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27801 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27804 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27806 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27808 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27809 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27810 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27812 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27813 I guess you do have a problem.
27814 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27816 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27818 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27819 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27821 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27823 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27824 longer be fantasies.
27827 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
27828 piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
27831 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27832 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27835 If you're careful enough, nothing
27836 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27838 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27839 The Olympics are over.
27841 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27842 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27844 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27845 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27847 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
27849 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27850 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27852 If you're going to do something tonight
27853 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27856 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27858 If you're happy, you're successful.
27860 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27862 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27863 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27865 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27867 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27868 As well as by traffic and crime,
27869 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27870 Though living on burrowed time.
27871 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27873 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27874 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27875 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27877 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27881 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27882 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27883 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27885 Ignorance is bliss.
27888 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27889 BLISS is ignorance.
27891 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27892 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27893 -- Franklin K. Dane
27895 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27897 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27898 so resolutely pursuing it.
27900 Ignore previous fortune.
27902 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27903 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27904 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27905 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27906 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27909 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27910 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
27913 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27916 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27918 I'll burn my books.
27919 -- Christopher Marlowe
27921 "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27922 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27923 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
27924 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27926 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27928 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27930 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27931 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27932 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27934 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27935 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27936 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27937 And in our bound partition never part.
27938 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27940 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27941 I play just what I feel.
27942 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27943 And die behind the wheel.
27944 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27945 I want a name when I lose.
27946 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27947 Call me Deacon Blues.
27948 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27950 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27953 I'll never get off this planet.
27956 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27958 "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27959 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
27960 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27962 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27963 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27965 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27969 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27972 Illegitimi non carborundum
27973 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27975 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27976 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27978 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27980 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27983 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27984 that I could have evolved from man.
27986 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27987 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27988 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27989 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27990 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27991 Ellen up a steep incline.
27992 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27993 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27994 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27995 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27996 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27997 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
27998 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27999 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
28000 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
28001 that Kirk talked strangely.
28002 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
28003 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
28004 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28005 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28006 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28007 physical exam to answer the alert.
28009 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28010 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28012 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28014 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28015 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28016 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28018 I'm all for computer dating, but I
28019 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
28021 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28022 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28025 I'm always looking for a new idea that
28026 will be more productive than its cost.
28027 -- David Rockefeller
28030 But it's not what I really want to do.
28031 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28032 I know what you're going to say --
28033 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28034 All right! But it's what I want to do.
28035 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28037 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28040 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28041 that I could have been created by man.
28043 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28044 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28045 I'll tell some power broker
28046 What they did for Iacocca
28047 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28048 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28049 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28050 When they hand a million grand out,
28051 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28052 Yessir, I'll get mine!
28055 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28057 I'm dying beyond my means.
28058 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28060 "I'm dying," he croaked.
28061 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
28062 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28063 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28064 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28065 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28066 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28067 "You snake," she rattled.
28068 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28069 "Company's coming," she guessed.
28070 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28071 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28072 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28073 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28074 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28075 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28077 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
28080 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28083 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
28084 just had a good war.
28087 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28089 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28090 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28092 I'm glad that I'm an American,
28093 I'm glad that I am free,
28094 But I wish I were a little doggy,
28095 And McGovern were a tree.
28097 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28098 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28101 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28102 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28103 > And in LA it's 72.
28105 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28106 is a million percent.
28107 > And in LA it's 72.
28109 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
28110 > And in LA there are 72.
28112 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28115 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28118 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28121 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28124 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28125 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28128 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28130 "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
28131 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28133 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28134 I've missed your special date.
28135 Please say that you're not mad at me
28136 My tax return is late.
28137 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28139 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28143 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28144 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28145 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28146 She's traversed me seven times before.
28147 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28148 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28149 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28150 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28151 N-ary the tree I am.
28152 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28154 I'm not a lovable man.
28157 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28158 with twenty-eight years ago.
28161 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28165 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28166 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28168 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28170 I'm not offering myself as an example;
28171 every life evolves by its own laws.
28173 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28177 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28179 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28180 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28182 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28184 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28188 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
28189 that some thinkle peep I am.
28190 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
28192 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28193 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28194 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28195 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28196 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28197 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28198 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28199 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28202 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
28203 totally unprepared for everyday life.
28205 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28206 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28211 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28212 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28214 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28215 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28216 -- English Professor, Providence College
28218 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28220 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28222 "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28223 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28224 you being a dumbass."
28225 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28227 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28229 I'm sorry I missed.
28232 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28234 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28236 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28237 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28239 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28240 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28241 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28244 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28245 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28246 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28247 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28248 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28250 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28251 like pigeons and Catholics.
28254 "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28257 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28260 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28261 -- Jules de Gaultier
28263 "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28264 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28265 thinks of complaining."
28266 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28268 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
28269 It would mean political ruin.
28272 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28273 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28274 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28275 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28276 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28278 "Is it PC compatible?"
28280 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28281 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28283 Imagine what we can imagine!
28284 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28286 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28289 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28290 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28291 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28294 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28297 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28299 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28301 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28304 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28305 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28307 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28310 Immutability, Three Rules of:
28311 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28312 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28313 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28316 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28317 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28318 conflicting opinions.
28319 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28321 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28322 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28323 Boss is reading it.
28326 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28327 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
28328 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28329 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28331 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28334 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28337 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28338 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28340 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28343 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28344 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28345 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28346 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28347 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28349 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28350 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28352 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28353 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28354 more to its liking.
28356 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28357 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28360 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28362 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28363 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28365 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28366 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28368 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28369 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28370 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28371 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28373 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28374 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28378 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
28379 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28381 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28382 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28384 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28385 other really likes.
28386 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28388 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28389 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28390 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28391 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28392 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28394 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28395 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28396 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28398 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28399 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28402 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28403 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28404 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28405 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28406 superior to Tops10.
28408 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28409 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28411 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28412 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28413 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28415 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28416 of the risks he takes.
28419 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28420 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28421 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28422 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28423 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28424 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28426 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28427 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28431 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28433 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28435 -- The Peter Principle
28437 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28438 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28441 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28442 are to be treated as variables.
28444 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28445 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28447 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
28448 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
28451 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28454 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28455 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28457 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28458 the cows are known sluts.
28461 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28462 made the World Series just something that came later.
28463 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28465 In buying horses and taking a wife
28466 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28468 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28469 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28470 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28471 said, "up to the mathematicians."
28472 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28474 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28475 it into television shows.
28476 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28478 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28480 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
28481 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
28483 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28484 -- The Kidner Report
28486 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28488 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
28489 He'll kiss it and make it better.
28491 In charity there is no excess.
28494 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28495 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28496 be free of subjugation.
28497 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
28499 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
28500 This is called Monotony.
28502 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
28503 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
28504 to get her attention.
28506 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
28508 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
28509 in any motor vehicle.
28511 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
28512 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28514 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
28517 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
28519 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
28520 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
28521 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
28522 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28524 In dwelling, be close to the land.
28525 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
28526 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
28527 In speech, be true.
28528 In work, be competent.
28529 In action, be careful of your timing.
28532 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
28533 programming languages.
28535 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
28536 -- Thomas Jefferson
28538 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
28539 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28541 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
28542 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
28543 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
28544 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
28547 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
28549 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
28550 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
28551 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
28552 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
28553 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
28555 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
28556 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
28558 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
28559 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
28560 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
28561 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
28562 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
28563 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
28564 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
28566 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
28568 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
28569 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
28572 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
28573 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
28575 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
28576 In all the others all she loves is love.
28577 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
28579 In high school in Brooklyn
28580 I was the baseball manager,
28581 proud as I could be
28582 I chased baseballs,
28583 gathered thrown bats
28584 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
28585 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
28586 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
28587 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
28588 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
28589 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
28590 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
28591 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
28592 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
28593 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
28594 I still recall that jacket
28595 and the memory goes on hurting.
28596 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
28598 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
28599 afterwards that causes the problems.
28602 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
28605 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
28606 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
28607 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
28610 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
28611 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
28612 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
28613 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
28615 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
28617 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
28618 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
28619 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
28621 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
28622 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
28625 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
28628 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
28631 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
28634 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
28635 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
28636 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
28638 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
28639 to take every advantage of the enemy.
28641 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
28642 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
28643 have obtained from books of travel.
28646 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
28647 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
28648 -- Thomas Jefferson
28650 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
28653 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
28654 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
28656 In most instances, all an argument
28657 proves is that two people are present.
28659 In my end is my beginning.
28660 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
28662 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
28663 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
28664 -- Nancy Banks Smith
28666 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
28667 becoming pure energy.
28668 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
28670 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28671 punishments, there are consequences.
28674 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28675 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28676 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28678 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28679 a practice which is still continued.
28682 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28684 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28685 you're what's left.
28687 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28689 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28690 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28692 "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28694 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28696 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28697 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28700 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28701 Court decision and violent revolution.
28702 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28704 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28706 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28707 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28708 -- John Diefenbaker
28710 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28711 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28713 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28714 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28717 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28718 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28721 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28722 want the other person.
28723 -- Margaret Anderson
28725 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28727 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28729 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28730 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28731 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28732 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28733 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28734 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28736 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28737 merger be that far off?
28739 - Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28741 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28742 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28743 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28744 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28745 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28747 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28750 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28751 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28752 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28753 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28754 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28755 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28756 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28758 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28759 is over six feet in length.
28761 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28762 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28764 "In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian."
28766 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28768 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28771 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28774 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28777 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28778 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28779 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28781 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28782 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28783 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28784 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28785 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28787 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28788 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28789 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28791 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28793 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28794 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28796 In the beginning was the word.
28797 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28799 For with it came syntax ...
28802 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28803 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28804 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28805 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28806 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28807 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28808 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28809 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28810 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28812 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28813 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28814 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28817 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28818 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28820 In the days of old,
28821 When Knights were bold,
28822 And women were too cautious;
28823 Oh, those gallant days,
28824 When women were women,
28825 And men were really obnoxious.
28827 In the dimestores and bus stations
28828 People talk of situations
28829 Read books repeat quotations
28830 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28833 In the early morning queue,
28834 With a listing in my hand.
28835 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28836 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28837 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28838 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28839 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28840 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28841 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28842 I've moved up one at last.
28843 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28844 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28846 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28849 In the first place, God made idiots;
28850 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28853 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28854 the proper order then why can't he?
28856 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28857 the proper order then why can't he?
28860 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
28861 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
28863 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
28864 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
28865 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28867 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
28868 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
28869 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28870 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
28871 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
28872 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28873 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
28875 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28878 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28879 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28881 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28884 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28885 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28888 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28889 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28890 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28892 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28895 In the long run we are all dead.
28896 -- John Maynard Keynes
28898 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28899 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28900 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28902 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28903 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28905 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28906 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28907 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28908 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28909 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28910 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28913 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28915 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28917 In the next world, you're on your own.
28919 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28920 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28921 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28923 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28924 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28926 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28927 the sound of those drums."
28928 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28929 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28931 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28932 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28933 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28934 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28935 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28936 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28937 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28939 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28940 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28941 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28942 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28943 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28946 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28947 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28948 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28949 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28950 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28951 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28952 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28955 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28956 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28957 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28959 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28961 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28962 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28965 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28967 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28968 In practice, there is.
28970 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28975 Your head grows bald
28979 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28980 -- Benjamin Franklin
28982 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28983 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28986 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28987 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28989 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28990 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28993 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28995 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28997 -- Winston Churchill
28999 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
29000 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
29003 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
29004 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
29006 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29007 A stately pleasure dome decree,
29008 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29009 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29010 Down to a sunless C.
29012 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29015 In war, truth is the first casualty.
29018 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29019 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29021 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29023 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29026 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29027 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29029 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29030 A stately pleasure dome decree:
29031 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29032 Through caverns measureless to man
29033 Down to a sunless sea.
29034 So twice five miles of fertile ground
29035 With walls and towers were girdled round:
29036 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29037 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29038 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29039 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29040 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29042 In youth, it was a way I had
29043 To do my best to please,
29044 And change, with every passing lad,
29045 To suit his theories.
29047 But now I know the things I know,
29048 And do the things I do;
29049 And if you do not like me so,
29050 To hell, my love, with you!
29051 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29054 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29055 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29056 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29057 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29062 Increased knowledge will help you now.
29063 Have mate's phone bugged.
29066 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29067 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29069 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29071 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29072 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29073 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29077 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29078 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29080 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29081 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29082 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29085 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29087 Individualists unite!
29089 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29090 advance; insufferable in victory.
29091 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29094 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
29095 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
29098 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
29099 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
29102 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29104 Information Center, n.:
29105 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29106 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29108 Information is the inverse of entropy.
29110 Information Processing:
29111 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29112 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29114 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29116 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29117 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29118 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29119 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29120 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29122 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29123 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29124 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29128 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29130 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29131 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29134 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29135 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29138 On a Bucharest elevator:
29140 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29141 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29145 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29147 Various signs in Poland:
29149 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29151 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29153 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29155 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29157 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29158 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29161 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29164 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
29165 and then complains of indigestion.
29167 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29168 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29171 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29172 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29173 intellectual crime.
29174 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29176 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29178 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29183 Innovation is hard to schedule.
29189 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29190 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29193 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29195 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
29196 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29199 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29202 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29203 the person who told it to you.
29205 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29207 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29209 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29212 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29214 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29215 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29216 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29217 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29218 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29220 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29223 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
29224 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
29225 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
29226 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
29227 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
29230 Integrity has no need for rules.
29232 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29235 Intellect annuls Fate.
29236 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29237 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29239 Interchangeable parts won't.
29242 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29243 burned out employees must feign.
29245 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29246 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29247 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29248 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29251 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29252 best at, that's what I say.
29256 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29257 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29258 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29259 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29261 Into love and out again,
29262 Thus I went and thus I go.
29263 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
29264 Well and bitterly I know
29265 All the songs were ever sung,
29266 All the words were ever said;
29267 Could it be, when I was young,
29268 Someone dropped me on my head?
29269 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
29271 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29274 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29276 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29281 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29283 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29285 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29287 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29288 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29292 It's off to disk I go,
29293 A bit or byte to read or write,
29296 IOT trap -- core dumped
29298 IOT trap -- mos dumped
29300 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29303 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29304 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29305 little paper envelopes.
29307 Iron Law of Distribution:
29308 Them that has, gets.
29311 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29312 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29314 "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
29315 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29317 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29319 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29321 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29323 Is death legally binding?
29325 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29326 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
29329 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29332 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29334 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29335 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29336 and such as are out wish to get in?
29339 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29340 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29342 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29345 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29347 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
29348 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
29349 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
29350 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
29352 Is there life before breakfast?
29354 Is this really happening?
29356 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29358 Isn't air travel wonderful?
29359 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29361 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29362 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29363 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
29365 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29366 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29367 -- Kelvin Throop III
29369 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29370 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29371 would make them better prospects?
29373 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29377 Isn't it strange that the same people that
29378 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
29381 A solution in search of a problem!
29383 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29384 The Course of Progress:
29385 Most things get steadily worse.
29386 The Path of Progress:
29387 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29389 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29390 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29391 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29392 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29393 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29394 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29395 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29396 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29397 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29398 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29399 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29401 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29402 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29405 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29406 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29407 It lies behind starts and under hills,
29408 And empty holes it fills.
29409 It comes first and follows after,
29410 Ends life, kills laughter.
29412 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29413 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29414 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29415 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29416 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29417 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29418 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29419 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29420 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29421 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29423 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29424 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29425 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29426 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29427 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29428 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29430 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29431 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29433 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29434 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29435 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29436 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29437 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29438 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29440 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29442 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29444 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29445 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29447 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29448 done and what you're going to do.
29450 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29452 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29453 next morning it was someone else.
29456 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29457 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29458 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29459 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29460 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29462 It gets late early out there.
29465 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29466 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29468 It hangs down from the chandelier
29469 Nobody knows quite what it does
29470 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29471 It emits a high-sounding buzz
29473 It grows a couple of feet each day
29474 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
29475 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
29476 a visiting uncle who's rich!
29477 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
29479 It happened long ago
29480 In the new magic land
29481 The Indians and the buffalo
29482 Existed hand in hand
29483 The Indians needed food
29484 They need skins for a roof
29485 The only took what they needed
29486 And the buffalo ran loose
29487 But then came the white man
29488 With his thick and empty head
29489 He couldn't see past his billfold
29490 He wanted all the buffalo dead
29491 It was sad, oh so sad.
29492 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
29494 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
29495 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
29496 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
29497 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
29498 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
29499 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
29501 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
29502 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
29503 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
29506 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
29507 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
29508 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
29509 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29511 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
29512 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
29514 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
29516 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
29517 been searching for evidence which could support this.
29518 -- Bertrand Russell
29520 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
29521 and getting people under the influence.
29524 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29526 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
29527 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
29528 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
29529 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
29530 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
29531 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
29532 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
29533 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
29534 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
29535 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
29536 competence will be quite enough.
29537 -- The Underground Grammarian
29539 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
29540 little things are infinitely the most important.
29541 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
29543 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
29544 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
29545 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
29546 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
29548 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
29549 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
29552 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
29553 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
29554 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
29558 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
29559 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
29560 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
29562 It is a lesson which all history teaches
29563 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
29566 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
29568 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
29571 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
29572 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
29575 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
29576 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
29577 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
29578 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
29579 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
29580 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
29581 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
29582 three more than the schedule allowed.
29583 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
29584 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
29585 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
29586 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
29587 their thumbs for ten months.
29588 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
29589 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
29590 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
29591 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
29592 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
29593 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
29594 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
29596 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
29597 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
29599 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
29600 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
29601 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
29604 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
29607 It is all right to hold a conversation,
29608 but you should let go of it now and then.
29611 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
29612 you are an exceptionally good liar.
29613 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29615 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
29617 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
29618 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
29619 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
29622 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
29623 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
29624 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
29625 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
29626 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
29627 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
29628 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
29630 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
29631 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
29632 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
29634 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
29636 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
29637 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29639 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
29640 -- Andrew W. Mathis
29642 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
29645 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
29649 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
29650 One in a million, perhaps.
29652 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
29654 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
29656 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
29658 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
29660 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
29662 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
29664 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
29666 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
29668 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
29670 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
29673 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
29675 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
29677 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
29678 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
29680 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
29682 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
29683 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
29686 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
29687 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
29688 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
29690 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
29691 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29694 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29695 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29696 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29698 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29702 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
29703 depends upon his not understanding it.
29706 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29708 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29709 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29710 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29713 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29715 "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29717 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29719 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29720 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
29721 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29722 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29723 attention, the harder the task.
29724 -- Sydney J. Harris
29726 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29728 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29731 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29733 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29734 -- George Santayana
29736 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29737 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29739 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29741 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29743 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29746 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29747 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29748 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29750 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29751 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29752 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29753 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29755 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29756 referring to scheduling.]
29758 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29759 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29762 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29763 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29764 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29766 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29768 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29770 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29774 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29777 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29779 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29780 innovative maneuvers.
29782 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29783 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29784 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29786 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29787 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29789 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29790 love does not lie in the ear.
29793 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29794 Boulevard at one time.
29796 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29798 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29799 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29800 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29801 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29802 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29804 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29806 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29807 against the attack of those who want to die.
29809 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29810 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29811 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29813 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29817 It is impossible to make anything
29818 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29820 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29821 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29825 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29827 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29828 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29831 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29832 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29833 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29835 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29836 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29837 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29838 like a happy married life.
29841 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29842 offense consists in doubting it.
29843 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29845 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29846 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29848 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29849 when you know nothing about the problem.
29851 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29853 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29854 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29855 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29856 -- George Bernard Shaw
29858 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29861 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29863 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29864 that makes life blessed.
29867 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29868 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29869 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29871 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29873 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29875 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29876 The main thing is to use it well.
29879 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29880 we should also have the management of them.
29881 -- La Rochefoucauld
29883 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29886 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29889 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29890 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29891 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29893 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29894 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29897 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29898 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29899 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29900 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29901 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29902 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29903 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29905 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29906 that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29907 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29909 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29910 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29911 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29912 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29913 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29914 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29915 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29919 It is not true that life is one damn thing after
29920 another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
29921 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
29923 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29924 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29925 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29926 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29927 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29928 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29929 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29930 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29931 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29933 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29934 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29936 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29938 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29939 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29943 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29944 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29946 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
29947 virginity could be a virtue.
29950 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29953 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29954 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29955 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29958 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29961 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29962 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29965 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29966 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29967 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29969 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29970 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29974 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29975 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29976 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29977 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29978 should be used in its proper place.
29979 -- Christopher Strachey
29981 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29982 -- Maimie Van Doren
29984 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29985 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29986 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29987 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29989 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29990 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29991 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29992 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29994 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29995 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29996 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29997 day like any other day, only shorter.
29998 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
30000 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
30001 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
30002 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
30003 too, shall pass away."
30006 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30007 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30010 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30011 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30013 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30014 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30015 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30017 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30018 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30020 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30021 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
30022 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
30023 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
30024 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
30025 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
30026 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30028 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30029 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30031 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30032 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30033 until the other has gone.
30035 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30038 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30041 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30042 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30045 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30046 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30048 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30051 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30053 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30054 lives, works and has his being.
30057 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
30058 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
30059 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30061 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30063 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30065 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30066 It produces a false impression.
30069 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30070 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30072 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30075 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30076 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30078 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30080 It isn't easy being green.
30083 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30084 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30087 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30091 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30092 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30094 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30095 to Grandmother's condo.
30097 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30098 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30099 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30101 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30103 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30104 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30105 -- Princess Leia Organa
30107 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30108 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30109 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30111 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30112 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30114 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30115 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30116 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30118 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30122 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30123 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30125 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30126 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30129 It may be that your whole purpose in life
30130 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
30132 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30134 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30135 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30136 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30137 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30138 in those who would gain by the new ones.
30139 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30141 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30142 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30143 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30146 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30148 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30150 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30151 one's life and then come round.
30152 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30154 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30156 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30157 they'll come out for it.
30158 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
30164 When it reaches to the tongue
30165 It is like a mosquito
30166 When it relives from tongue
30167 It is like an elephant.
30168 -- Boorchi (first of 9 knights of Chinggis (Genghis) Khan)
30170 "It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory"
30171 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30173 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30174 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30176 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
30178 It seems a little silly now, but this country
30179 was founded as a protest against taxation.
30181 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
30182 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
30183 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
30184 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
30185 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
30186 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
30188 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
30191 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
30194 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
30195 language named "research student".
30197 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
30199 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
30200 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30201 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30202 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30203 average wife is like that.
30204 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30206 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30208 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30210 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
30211 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
30213 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30215 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30217 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30220 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30222 It takes less time to do a thing right
30223 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30224 -- H. W. Longfellow
30226 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30228 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30229 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30230 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30231 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30232 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30233 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30234 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30235 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30237 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30238 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30241 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30242 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30243 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30244 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30245 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30246 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30248 It used to be the fun was in
30249 The capture and kill.
30250 In another place and time
30251 I did it all for thrills.
30254 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30257 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30259 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30261 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30262 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30263 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30264 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30266 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
30267 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
30268 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
30270 "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30273 It was all so different before everything changed.
30275 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30276 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30277 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30279 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
30280 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
30283 It was one time too many
30285 It was all too much for me and you
30286 There was one way to go
30287 Nothing more we could do
30292 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30294 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30296 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30298 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30299 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30300 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30301 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30302 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30303 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30304 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30308 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30309 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30310 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30311 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30312 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30313 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30314 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30315 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30316 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30317 would let me stay here for the night."
30318 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30321 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30322 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30323 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30325 It was wonderful to find America, but it
30326 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30329 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30332 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
30333 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30335 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30336 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30338 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30339 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30343 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30344 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30345 two things still safe to eat.
30348 It would be nice to be sure of anything
30349 the way some people are of everything.
30351 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30354 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30355 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30356 are often slanted to the left.
30358 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30360 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30363 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30366 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30368 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30370 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30373 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30376 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30378 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30379 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30381 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30383 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30384 when you lose yours.
30387 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30391 "What's a summons?"
30392 "It means summon's in trouble."
30393 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
30395 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30396 -- Churchy La Femme
30398 It's all in the mind, ya know.
30400 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30403 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30404 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30405 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30406 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30407 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30408 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30409 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30410 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30411 have thought it up, I wonder?"
30414 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30416 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30418 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
30421 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30422 with if only they'd make the first approach.
30424 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30426 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30428 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30431 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30432 but why do the rats always have to win?
30434 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30437 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
30440 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30442 It's business doing pleasure with you.
30444 It's clever, but is it art?
30446 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30448 "It's easier said than done."
30450 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30451 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30452 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30455 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30458 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
30459 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
30461 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30464 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30465 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30467 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30469 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
30472 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
30473 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
30474 the ignorance of the community.
30477 It's faster horses,
30481 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
30483 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
30484 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
30486 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
30487 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
30491 It's gonna be alright,
30492 It's almost midnight,
30493 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
30495 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
30496 even if most of them are bad.
30498 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
30499 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
30501 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
30503 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
30504 it's harder to know where the limits are.
30507 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
30510 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
30511 you're getting something off your chest.
30513 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
30514 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
30516 It's hard to think of you as the end
30517 result of millions of years of evolution.
30519 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
30521 It's important that people know what you stand for.
30522 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
30524 It's interesting to think that many quite
30525 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
30527 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
30528 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
30529 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
30530 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
30532 It's just a jump to the left
30533 And then a step to the right.
30534 Put your hands on your hips
30535 And pull your knees in tight.
30536 It's the pelvic thrust
30537 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
30539 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
30541 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
30543 It's just apartment house rules,
30544 So all you 'partment house fools
30545 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30546 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30547 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
30549 "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
30552 It's later than you think.
30554 It's later than you think, the joint
30555 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
30557 It's like deja vu all over again.
30564 and even the teddy bears
30567 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
30568 you're going in the wrong direction.
30570 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
30573 It's multiple choice time...
30577 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
30578 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
30581 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
30582 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
30585 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
30587 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
30588 a sickness you like.
30591 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
30592 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
30595 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
30597 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
30600 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
30603 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
30604 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
30606 It's not easy being green.
30609 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
30612 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
30615 "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
30618 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
30619 what you're taking for it...
30621 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
30623 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
30627 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
30628 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
30631 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
30633 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
30636 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
30639 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
30642 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
30644 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
30646 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
30647 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
30648 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
30649 -- Sydney J. Harris
30651 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
30652 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
30655 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
30656 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
30657 elected governor of California.
30659 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
30660 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
30662 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
30663 as a warning to others.
30665 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
30666 poverty and wealth have both failed.
30669 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
30671 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
30673 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
30674 society will take full responsibility for you.
30676 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
30677 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
30678 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
30679 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
30682 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
30684 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
30685 have been all over it.
30686 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
30688 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
30689 just to see if it's real,
30690 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
30691 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
30692 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
30693 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
30694 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
30696 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
30698 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
30700 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
30701 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30703 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
30704 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
30705 -- Franklin P. Jones
30707 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
30708 boy gets another beer.
30711 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
30713 "It's today!" said Piglet.
30714 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
30716 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
30717 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
30719 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
30720 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
30721 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
30723 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30724 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30726 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30727 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30728 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30729 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30730 inevitably unsuccessful.
30731 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30732 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30733 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30734 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30735 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30736 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30737 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30738 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30739 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30740 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30741 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30742 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30743 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30744 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30745 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30747 I've already told you more than I know.
30749 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30751 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30752 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30754 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30755 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30758 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30763 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30766 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30767 Does anybody know where it goes,
30768 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30770 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30774 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30775 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30776 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30777 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30778 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30779 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30780 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30781 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30783 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30784 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30785 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30786 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30788 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30789 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30790 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30792 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30794 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30795 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30796 -- Dennie van Tassel
30798 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30799 this little hole in the bottom ...
30802 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30804 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30807 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30810 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
30813 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30816 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
30817 I'd like to watch him have another.
30819 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30822 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30825 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30826 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30828 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30830 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30833 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30836 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30839 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30843 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30846 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30848 I've only got 12 cards.
30850 "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
30852 "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
30853 -- Senator Claghorn
30855 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30856 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30857 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30858 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30859 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30860 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30862 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30863 And from that full meridian of my glory
30864 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30865 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30866 And no man see me more.
30869 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30870 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30871 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30873 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30874 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30875 legislature is in session.
30879 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30880 ones; the meek the girls(the
30881 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30882 all except the cold ones; the slim
30883 ones plump tiny tall)
30888 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30890 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30891 all except ones; the mean
30892 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30894 except the green ones
30897 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30898 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30901 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30902 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30903 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30905 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30906 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30907 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30908 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30909 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30910 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30911 television?" and "Good night".
30912 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30916 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30917 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30918 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30919 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30920 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30922 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30929 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30931 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30932 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30934 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30935 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30938 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30939 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30940 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30942 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30943 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30944 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30946 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30947 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30948 to you. You gonna pay it?
30951 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30952 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30955 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30957 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
30960 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30961 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30962 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30963 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30964 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30965 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30966 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30967 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30968 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30970 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30973 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30975 John Dame May Oscar
30976 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30977 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30978 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30981 John Birch Society:
30982 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
30983 -- Edward P. Morgan
30985 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30987 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30989 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30990 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30991 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30992 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30993 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30994 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30995 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30996 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30997 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30999 Johnny Carson's Definition:
31000 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
31001 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
31002 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
31004 Johnson's First Law:
31005 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
31006 most inconvenient possible time.
31009 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
31011 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
31012 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
31014 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
31015 exciting people, and kill them.
31017 Join the march to save individuality!
31019 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31020 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31023 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31024 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31025 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31026 importance of their original contribution.
31029 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31032 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31035 Joshu: What is the true Way?
31036 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31038 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31039 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31040 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31041 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31042 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31043 yourself as wide as the sky.
31045 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31048 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31050 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31051 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31052 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31054 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31055 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31056 someone else's cash.
31057 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31059 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31062 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
31063 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
31064 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
31066 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
31067 6: It matches my eyes.
31068 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
31069 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
31070 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
31071 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
31072 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
31073 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31075 Just a song before I go, Going through security
31076 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31077 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31078 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31079 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31080 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31081 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31082 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31083 She helped me with my suitcase,
31084 She stands before my eyes,
31085 Driving me to the airport
31086 And to the friendly skies.
31087 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31089 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31090 (and nobody cares about it).
31091 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31093 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
31094 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
31095 daydreams about women.
31096 -- George Bernard Shaw
31098 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
31099 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
31100 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
31101 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
31102 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
31103 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
31104 sense of respect for the whole truth.
31105 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31107 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
31110 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31112 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31116 Just because the message may never be
31117 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31119 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
31120 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31122 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
31124 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31127 Just because your doctor has a name for your
31128 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
31130 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31132 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31133 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31136 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31138 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31139 get a prompt, type like hell.
31141 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31142 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31143 about his or her love affairs.
31146 Just machines to make big decisions,
31147 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31148 We'll be clean when their work is done,
31149 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31150 What a beautiful world this will be,
31151 What a glorious time to be free.
31152 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31154 Just once, I wish we would encounter
31155 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
31156 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
31158 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31159 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31160 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31162 "Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
31165 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
31166 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
31168 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
31169 As he landed his crew with care;
31170 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
31171 By a finger entwined in his hair.
31173 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
31174 That alone should encourage the crew.
31175 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
31176 What I tell you three times is true.'
31178 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
31179 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
31182 Just to have it is enough.
31184 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
31185 of all the others, and then do what's best.
31186 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
31188 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
31190 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
31193 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
31194 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
31195 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
31196 Just can't remember who to send it to...
31198 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
31199 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
31200 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
31201 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
31202 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
31203 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
31205 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
31206 -- Michael J. Wagner
31208 Justice is incidental to law and order.
31212 A decision in your favor.
31214 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
31215 Cobol's wordy and confining;
31216 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
31217 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
31218 -- The Roguelet's ABC
31221 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
31222 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
31224 Kamikazes do it once.
31227 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31229 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31232 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31234 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31235 package of snack food.
31237 Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
31239 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31242 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31243 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31245 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31248 Men and nations will act rationally when
31249 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
31251 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31252 exhausted all other alternatives.
31255 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31256 Population density is inversely proportional
31257 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31260 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31261 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31263 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31266 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31268 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31269 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31270 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31271 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31272 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31273 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31275 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
31276 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31278 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31280 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31282 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31283 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31284 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31285 force is technically termed "car suck").
31286 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31288 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31289 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31290 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31291 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31292 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31293 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31294 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31295 in the head and knock you silly.
31297 Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
31298 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31299 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31300 force is technically termed "car suck").
31301 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31304 Keep it short for pithy sake.
31306 Keep on keepin' on.
31308 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31309 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31312 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31315 Keep the phase, baby.
31317 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31319 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31320 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31321 at the end of six months.
31324 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31326 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31327 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31328 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31329 Your Feet on the Ground,
31330 Your Head on your Shoulders.
31331 Now... try to get something DONE!
31333 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31334 -- Benjamin Franklin
31336 Keep your laws off my body!
31338 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31339 Open it and you remove all doubt.
31341 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31342 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31343 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31344 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31345 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31348 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31349 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31350 you've got to go broke.
31353 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31356 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31357 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31358 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31361 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31362 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31364 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31365 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31366 and parking for the faculty.
31368 Kettering's Observation:
31369 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31371 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31373 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31374 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31375 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31376 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31377 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31378 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31379 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
31381 Kill a commy for your mommy.
31383 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31385 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31390 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31395 Killing turkeys causes winter.
31399 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31400 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31403 An affliction of the blood
31405 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31408 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31411 Kington's Law of Perforation:
31412 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31413 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31416 Kinkler's First Law:
31417 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31419 Kinkler's Second Law:
31420 All the easy problems have been solved.
31422 Kirk to Enterprise...
31424 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31426 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31427 any of its streets.
31429 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31431 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31432 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31434 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31436 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31438 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31440 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31442 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31445 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31446 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31447 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31449 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31450 Butter up a friend.
31452 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31453 -- Winston Churchill
31455 Klatu barada nikto.
31457 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
31459 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
31463 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31465 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
31466 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
31468 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
31469 100% Damage to life support!!!!
31472 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
31474 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
31477 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
31478 causes of statistics.
31480 Knights are hardly worth it.
31481 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
31487 Sam and Janet Evening...
31489 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
31492 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
31493 Stay on the Happy side of life!
31494 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
31495 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
31496 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
31498 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
31499 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
31500 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
31501 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
31502 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
31503 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
31504 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
31505 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
31506 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
31507 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
31509 Knocked, you weren't in.
31512 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
31520 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
31522 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
31526 Things you believe.
31528 Knowledge is power.
31531 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
31532 -- Aleister Crowley
31534 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
31536 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
31537 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
31538 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
31539 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
31540 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
31543 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
31545 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
31546 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
31547 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31550 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
31551 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
31552 From mud slides to brush fires.
31555 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
31556 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31558 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
31560 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
31561 -- George Bernard Shaw
31566 3. Never volunteer for anything.
31568 Lactomangulation, n.:
31569 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
31570 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
31571 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31573 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
31575 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
31576 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
31577 I come before you to stand behind you
31578 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
31579 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
31580 There will be a convention held in the
31581 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
31582 Admission is free, pay at the door,
31583 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
31584 It was a summer's day in winter,
31585 And the snow was raining fast,
31586 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
31587 Stood sitting in the grass.
31588 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
31589 Two dead men got up to fight.
31590 Three blind men to see fair play,
31591 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
31592 Back to back, they faced each other,
31593 Drew their swords and shot each other.
31594 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
31595 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
31597 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
31598 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
31599 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
31600 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
31601 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
31603 -- Billie Jean King
31605 Lady, lady, should you meet
31606 One whose ways are all discreet,
31607 One who murmurs that his wife
31608 Is the lodestar of his life,
31609 One who keeps assuring you
31610 That he never was untrue,
31611 Never loved another one...
31612 Lady, lady, better run!
31613 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
31615 Lady Luck brings added income today.
31616 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
31619 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
31621 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
31623 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
31624 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
31625 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
31627 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
31628 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
31629 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
31630 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
31631 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
31632 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
31633 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
31634 you would pin this on your white meat."
31637 Look to your stern!
31638 Your house is on fire,
31639 Your children will burn!
31640 So jump ye and sing, for
31641 The very first time
31642 The four lines above
31643 Have been put into rhyme.
31646 Laetrile is the pits.
31648 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
31649 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
31651 Lake Erie died for your sins.
31653 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
31655 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
31656 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
31657 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
31658 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
31659 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
31661 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
31664 (1) Everything depends.
31665 (2) Nothing is always.
31666 (3) Everything is sometimes.
31668 Language is a virus from another planet.
31669 -- William Burroughs
31671 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
31672 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
31673 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
31677 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
31678 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
31679 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
31680 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
31681 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
31683 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
31684 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
31687 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
31688 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
31689 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
31690 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
31691 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
31692 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
31693 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
31694 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
31695 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
31698 All laws are basically false.
31703 Last guys don't finish nice.
31704 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
31706 "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
31707 had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
31708 my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
31711 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
31712 the pillow was gone.
31715 Last night I met upon the stair
31716 A little man who wasn't there.
31717 He wasn't there again today.
31718 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
31720 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
31721 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
31724 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
31725 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
31727 Last week's pet, this week's special.
31729 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
31730 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
31731 I don't remember what it was.
31734 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
31736 Latin is a language,
31738 First it killed the Romans,
31739 And now it's killing me.
31741 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
31743 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31745 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31747 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31749 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31751 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31753 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31757 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31759 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31760 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31762 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31763 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31764 -- Richard M. Nixon
31766 Law of Communications:
31767 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31768 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31769 area of misunderstanding.
31772 Experiments should be reproducible.
31773 They should all fail the same way.
31775 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31776 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31778 Law of Selective Gravity:
31779 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31781 Jenning's Corollary:
31782 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31783 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31786 He who hesitates is lunch.
31789 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31791 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31792 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31794 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31796 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31798 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31799 -- Otto von Bismarck
31801 Laws of Computer Programming:
31802 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31803 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31804 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31805 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31806 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31807 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31808 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31809 the programmer who must maintain it.
31811 Laws of Serendipity:
31813 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31815 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31816 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31819 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31823 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31824 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31825 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31827 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31830 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31833 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31836 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31837 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31838 Is to keep the lightning out.
31839 But what these unobservant birds
31840 Have failed to notice is that herds
31841 Of bears may come with buns
31842 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31844 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31845 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31846 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31849 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31851 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31852 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31853 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31854 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31856 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31858 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31860 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31862 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31865 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31866 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31867 quicker you can do it.
31869 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31870 everything else follows in the same way.
31873 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31874 thought without learning is perilous.
31877 Leave no stone unturned.
31881 Mother said there would be days like this,
31882 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31884 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31886 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31889 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31890 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31891 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31892 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31896 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31897 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31899 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31900 Proof (by induction):
31901 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31902 horses in that set are the same color.
31903 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31904 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31905 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31906 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31907 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31908 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31909 horses are the same color.
31910 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31911 Proof (by intimidation):
31912 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31913 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31914 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31915 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31916 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31917 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31918 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31919 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31921 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31923 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31925 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31927 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31928 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31929 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31930 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31932 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31933 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31934 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31935 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31937 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31938 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31939 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31940 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31941 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31944 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31946 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31949 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31951 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31952 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31954 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31955 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31959 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31960 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31961 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31962 Or bends with the remover to remove:
31963 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31964 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31965 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31966 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31967 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31968 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31969 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31970 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31971 If this be error and upon me proved,
31972 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31974 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31976 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31977 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31979 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31980 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31981 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31982 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31983 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31984 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31985 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31986 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31991 Let my petty body exhausted,
31992 But not my state nature.
31993 Let my whole body exhausted
31994 But not my entire state
31995 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31997 Let no guilty man escape.
32000 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
32002 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
32003 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
32005 Let sleeping dogs lie.
32008 Let the machine do the dirty work.
32009 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
32011 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
32014 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
32015 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
32017 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
32018 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
32021 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
32022 -- Benjamin Franklin
32024 Let us go then you and I
32025 while the night is laid out against the sky
32026 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
32028 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32031 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32032 The muttering retreats
32033 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32034 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32035 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32036 Of insidious intent
32037 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32038 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32039 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32043 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32047 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32048 but let us never fear to negotiate.
32051 Let us not look back in anger or forward
32052 in fear, but around us in awareness.
32055 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32057 Let us treat men and women well;
32058 Treat them as if they were real;
32060 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32062 Let your conscience be your guide.
32066 [The state, that's me.]
32070 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32072 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
32074 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32075 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32076 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
32077 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
32078 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
32079 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
32080 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32082 Let's love each other slowly,
32083 reaching for a plane,
32084 of exquisite pleasure,
32088 Let's not complicate our relationship
32089 by trying to communicate with each other.
32091 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32093 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32096 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
32097 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
32098 Anguish. You would sue:
32100 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32101 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32102 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32105 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32106 cretin like yourself.
32108 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32109 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32110 a large cash settlement anyway.
32113 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32114 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32115 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32116 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
32117 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
32118 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
32119 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
32120 It's not his money.
32121 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
32123 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
32127 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
32128 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
32129 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
32130 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
32131 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
32132 agricultural industry.
32135 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
32139 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
32140 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
32142 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
32144 Lewis's Law of Travel:
32145 The first piece of luggage out of the
32146 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
32148 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
32152 A lawyer with a roving commission.
32153 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32155 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
32159 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
32161 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
32162 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
32163 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
32165 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
32166 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32168 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
32169 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
32171 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
32172 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
32173 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
32174 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
32176 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
32177 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
32178 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
32179 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
32180 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
32183 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
32184 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
32185 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
32186 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
32190 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
32191 discovered to date.
32194 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
32196 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
32200 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32203 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
32206 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
32208 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
32210 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
32211 -- Miss November, 1966
32213 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
32216 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
32218 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
32219 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
32221 Life exists for no known purpose.
32223 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
32224 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
32225 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
32226 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
32229 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
32230 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
32231 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
32233 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
32234 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32237 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32238 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32240 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32241 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32242 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32243 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32246 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32248 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32249 A medley of extemporania;
32250 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32251 And I am Marie of Roumania.
32252 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32254 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32257 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32259 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32261 -- Charles Baudelaire
32263 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32266 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32267 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32270 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32272 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32274 Life is an exciting business, and most
32275 exciting when it is lived for others.
32277 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32279 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32281 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32283 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32284 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32286 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32288 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32290 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32292 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32295 "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32296 eat it nevertheless."
32299 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
32301 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32303 Life is like a sewer.
32304 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32307 Life is like a simile.
32309 Life is like a tin of sardines.
32310 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32311 -- Beyond the Fringe
32313 Life is like an analogy
32315 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32316 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32318 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32319 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32322 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32323 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32326 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32327 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32328 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32330 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32331 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32333 Life is not for everyone.
32335 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32336 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32338 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32341 Life is the living you do,
32342 Death is the living you don't do.
32345 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32347 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32349 "Life is too important to take seriously."
32352 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32355 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32358 Life is wasted on the living.
32359 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
32361 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32362 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32364 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32367 "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
32369 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32371 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32372 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32374 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32375 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32376 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32378 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32379 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32380 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32381 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32382 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32383 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32385 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32388 "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
32389 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32391 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32394 "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32395 weren't for other people"
32398 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32401 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32402 -- George Bernard Shaw
32404 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32406 Lift every voice and sing
32407 Till earth and heaven ring,
32408 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32409 Let our rejoicing rise
32410 High as the listening skies,
32411 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32413 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32414 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32415 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32416 Let us march on till victory is won.
32417 -- James Weldon Johnson
32419 Lighten up, while you still can,
32420 Don't even try to understand,
32421 Just find a place to make your stand,
32423 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32426 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32427 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32430 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32432 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32433 the difference between one young woman and another.
32434 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
32436 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
32437 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
32438 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
32439 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
32440 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
32441 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
32442 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
32443 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
32445 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
32446 see her little dog Pritzi again.
32447 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
32449 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
32450 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
32451 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
32452 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
32454 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
32455 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
32456 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
32457 worst possible novel.
32459 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
32460 I threw the last punch way too hard,
32461 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
32462 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
32463 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
32464 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
32465 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
32466 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
32467 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
32468 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
32469 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
32470 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
32471 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
32472 You know I can't think straight no more
32473 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
32474 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
32475 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
32477 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
32478 weren't so damned great!
32479 -- Armistead Maupin
32481 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
32482 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
32483 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
32484 like the Rolling Stones?
32485 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
32486 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
32488 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
32489 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
32490 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
32491 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
32492 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
32496 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
32498 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
32499 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
32500 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
32502 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
32503 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
32506 Like the time I ran away...
32507 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
32508 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
32510 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
32512 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
32513 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
32514 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
32515 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
32516 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
32517 -- Senior Year Quote
32519 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
32520 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
32522 Q -- Is there life after death?
32523 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
32524 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
32525 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
32526 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
32527 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
32528 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
32529 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
32530 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
32531 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
32534 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
32535 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
32536 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
32538 Limericks are art forms complex,
32539 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
32540 They usually have virgins,
32541 And masculine urgin's,
32542 And other erotic effects.
32544 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
32545 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
32547 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
32548 Kennedy in November 1960.
32550 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
32552 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
32555 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
32556 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
32558 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32559 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32561 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
32562 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
32564 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
32566 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
32568 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
32569 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
32571 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
32572 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
32575 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
32576 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
32577 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
32578 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
32580 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
32581 Maybe we should think only about today.
32583 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
32587 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
32589 Lions in the street and roaming,
32590 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
32591 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
32592 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
32594 Went down south across the border,
32595 Left the chaos and disorder
32596 Back there, over his shoulder.
32597 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
32598 A strange creature groaning beside him.
32599 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
32600 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
32601 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
32604 To call a spade a thpade.
32606 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32607 Lisp Machine is Fun.
32608 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32612 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
32614 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
32615 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
32616 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
32617 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
32618 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
32619 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
32620 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
32621 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
32622 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
32623 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
32624 a panacea so alleged.
32625 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
32626 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
32627 facing up to the recession?"
32629 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
32630 is the other way round.
32631 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
32634 -- Ronald Macdonald
32637 Thy summer's play If thought is life
32638 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
32639 Has brush'd away. And the want
32640 Of thought is death,
32642 A fly like thee? Then am I
32643 Or art not thou A happy fly
32644 A man like me? If I live
32649 Till some blind hand
32650 Shall brush my wing.
32651 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
32653 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
32656 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
32657 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
32659 Little Known Facts, #23:
32660 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
32661 the BMW repair garage?
32663 Little Mary on the ice,
32664 Went out to have a frisk,
32665 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
32668 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
32669 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
32671 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
32674 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
32676 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
32678 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
32679 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
32680 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
32682 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
32685 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
32686 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
32687 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
32689 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
32690 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
32692 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
32693 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
32695 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
32698 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
32699 to want things that nobody else wants.
32702 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
32703 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
32705 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
32706 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
32709 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
32711 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
32712 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
32713 Don't you envy people who
32714 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
32716 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
32717 -- Henry David Thoreau
32719 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
32720 interest rates, we don't need it."
32723 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
32724 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
32725 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
32726 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
32727 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
32728 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
32729 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
32730 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
32731 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
32732 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
32733 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
32734 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
32735 you and your friends will be, too.
32736 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
32737 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
32739 Lockwood's Long Shot:
32740 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
32741 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
32743 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
32746 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
32748 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32750 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32752 Logicians have but ill defined
32753 As rational the human kind.
32754 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32755 But let them prove it if they can.
32756 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32760 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32763 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32764 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32765 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32766 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32767 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32768 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32769 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32770 Bulletin Board System).
32772 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32773 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32774 -- '80 Microcomputing
32776 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32778 Lonely is a man without love.
32779 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32781 Lonely men seek companionship.
32782 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32789 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32791 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32793 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32794 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32795 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32796 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32798 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32800 Long life is in store for you.
32802 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32803 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32804 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32805 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32807 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32809 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32811 Look at it this way:
32812 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32813 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32814 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32816 Look at it this way:
32817 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32818 forget $26,000 of college education.
32819 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32821 Look before you leap.
32827 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32829 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32830 to pay income taxes, too?
32831 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32833 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32834 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32838 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32839 -- Stephen Sondheim
32841 Loose bits sink chips.
32843 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32844 -- Charles D'Hericault
32846 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32847 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32849 Losing your drivers' license is just
32850 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32852 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32853 Answers to electric can opener.
32855 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32857 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32859 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32862 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32863 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32865 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32868 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32869 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32871 Fine little girl she waits for me
32872 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32873 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32874 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32875 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32876 I smell the rose in her hair
32877 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32878 It won't be long, me see my love
32879 I take her in my arms and then
32880 Me tell her I never leave again
32881 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32884 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32887 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32890 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32891 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32894 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32897 When you don't want someone too close--
32898 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32901 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32903 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32905 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32907 Love America - or give it back.
32909 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32911 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32912 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32914 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32917 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32918 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32920 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32921 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32922 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32924 Love is a grave mental disease.
32927 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32930 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32931 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32932 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32934 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32935 Hate is a word that is not.
32936 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32937 Love, I have read, is hot.
32938 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32939 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32940 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32941 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32944 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32945 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32946 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32948 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32949 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32952 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32955 Love is being stupid together.
32958 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32959 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32960 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32962 Love is in the offing.
32963 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32965 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32967 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32968 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32969 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32973 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32974 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32976 Love is never asking why?
32978 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32980 Love is sentimental measles.
32982 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32984 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32985 raises some pretty good questions.
32988 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32991 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32992 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32993 -- Charles Baudelaire
32995 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32998 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
33001 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
33004 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
33006 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
33009 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
33011 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
33012 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
33014 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
33017 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
33018 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
33020 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
33022 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
33023 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
33025 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
33026 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
33028 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33030 Love tells us many things that are not so.
33031 -- Krainian Proverb
33033 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33035 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33038 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33040 Love to eat them mousies,
33041 Mousies I love to eat.
33042 Bite they little heads off,
33043 Nibble at they tiny feet.
33046 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33047 seized this one for the fair form
33048 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33049 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33050 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33051 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33052 Love brought us to one death.
33053 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33055 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
33056 trying to figure out what you're up to.
33058 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33059 -- Benjamin Franklin
33062 If it jams -- force it. If it
33063 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33065 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33067 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33068 There's always one more bug.
33070 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33071 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33072 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33073 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33074 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33075 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33077 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33080 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
33084 When you have a wife and a cigarette
33085 lighter -- both of which work.
33087 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
33089 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
33090 Can't you be serious for once?
33091 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
33092 of the more important things in life!
33096 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
33097 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
33099 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
33100 The place where optimism most flourishes.
33102 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
33105 Lysistrata had a good idea.
33107 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
33109 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
33111 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
33113 "I said `intellectual'."
33116 Machine-Independent, adj.:
33117 Does not run on any existing machine.
33119 Machine-independent program:
33120 A program that will not run on any machine.
33122 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
33123 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
33126 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
33129 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
33133 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
33135 Macho does not prove mucho.
33139 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
33140 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33142 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
33143 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
33147 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
33149 Madness takes its toll.
33152 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
33153 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
33154 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
33155 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
33156 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
33157 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
33158 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
33159 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
33160 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
33161 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
33162 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
33163 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
33164 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
33165 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
33166 entire nodal aggravations.
33167 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
33169 Magary's Principle:
33170 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
33171 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
33172 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
33174 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
33176 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
33178 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
33180 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
33181 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
33182 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
33184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33187 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
33189 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
33192 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
33193 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
33194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33197 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
33200 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
33201 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
33202 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
33203 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
33204 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
33205 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
33206 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
33207 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
33210 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
33211 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
33212 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
33216 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
33217 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
33220 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
33221 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
33222 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
33223 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
33226 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
33228 Maintainer's Motto:
33229 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
33231 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
33232 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33233 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33236 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33238 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33240 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33242 Secondary Conclusion:
33243 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33244 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33246 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33249 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33251 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33252 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33254 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33258 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33260 Make a wish, it might come true.
33262 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33264 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33266 Make it right before you make it faster.
33268 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33269 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33271 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33273 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33275 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33276 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
33277 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
33278 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33279 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33282 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33285 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33288 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
33289 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33290 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
33291 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
33292 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
33295 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33298 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33300 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
33302 Man and wife make one fool.
33304 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33305 -- Wernher von Braun
33307 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33308 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33309 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33310 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33311 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33312 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33314 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33317 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33319 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
33322 Man is a military animal,
33323 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33326 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
33327 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33330 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33331 no dog exchanges bones with another.
33334 Man is by nature a political animal.
33337 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
33338 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33339 -- Wernher von Braun
33341 Man is the measure of all things.
33344 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33347 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
33348 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33349 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
33351 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33352 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33353 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33356 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33357 -- Arthur R. Miller
33360 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33361 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33362 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33363 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33364 habitable earth and Canada.
33365 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33367 Man proposes, God disposes.
33370 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33374 Man who arrives at party two hours late
33375 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33377 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33379 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33381 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
33383 Man will never fly.
33384 Space travel is merely a dream.
33385 All aspirin is alike.
33387 Management: How many feet do mice have?
33388 Reply: Mice have four feet.
33390 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33391 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33392 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33393 M: What? Feet with no legs?
33394 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33395 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33396 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33397 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33398 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33399 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33400 is not equipped with a foot.
33401 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33402 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33403 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33404 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33405 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33406 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33407 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33408 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33409 ornamental in nature.
33410 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33411 R: Mice have four feet.
33414 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33417 A man known for giving great meeting.
33419 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33420 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
33421 don't think, right?"
33425 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
33428 Easy glum, easy glow.
33430 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
33433 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
33434 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
33435 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
33436 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
33439 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
33440 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
33441 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
33444 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
33447 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
33449 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
33451 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
33452 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
33453 -- Sydney J. Harris
33456 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
33457 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
33458 you need is in the others.
33461 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
33464 Many a family tree needs trimming.
33466 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
33467 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
33468 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
33470 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
33471 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
33472 -- Finley Peter Dunne
33474 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
33475 can easily support two or more.
33477 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
33478 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
33479 -- George D. Prentice
33481 Many are called, few are chosen.
33482 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
33484 Many are called, few volunteer.
33486 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
33488 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
33490 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
33491 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
33492 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
33493 their data processing systems.
33494 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
33496 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
33497 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
33498 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
33499 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
33500 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
33501 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
33503 Many hands make light work.
33506 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
33508 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
33509 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
33510 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
33511 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
33512 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
33513 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
33514 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
33515 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
33516 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
33517 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
33518 -- Francis Galton, 1909
33520 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
33521 tricks on me and treating me badly.
33522 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
33524 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
33525 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
33526 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
33528 Many pages make a thick book.
33530 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
33533 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
33534 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
33536 Many people are secretly interested in life.
33538 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
33540 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
33542 Many people feel that if you won't let
33543 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
33545 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
33546 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
33548 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
33550 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
33551 -- Bertrand Russell
33553 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
33555 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
33558 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
33559 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
33560 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
33561 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
33564 Margaret, are you grieving
33565 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
33566 Leaves, like the things of man,
33567 You, with your fresh thoughts
33569 Ah! as the heart grows older
33570 It will come to such sights colder
33571 By and by, nor spare a sigh
33572 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
33573 And yet you will weep and know why.
33574 Now no matter, child, the name
33575 Sorrow's springs are the same:
33576 It is the blight man was born for,
33577 It is Margaret you mourn for.
33578 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
33582 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
33583 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
33585 Peach blossom: I am your captive
33586 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
33588 Rose, any color: Love
33589 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
33590 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
33591 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
33592 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
33593 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
33594 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
33595 Rosemary: Remembrance
33596 Sunflower: Haughtiness
33597 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
33598 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
33599 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
33600 Violet, white: Modesty
33601 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
33602 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
33604 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
33606 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
33607 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
33608 it in order to protect themselves.
33611 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
33612 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
33613 that require a simple yes or no answer.
33616 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
33617 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
33618 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
33623 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
33624 insincerity possible between two human beings.
33627 Marriage causes dating problems.
33629 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
33632 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
33634 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
33635 not ready for an institution yet.
33638 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
33639 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
33642 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
33644 Marriage is a three ring circus:
33645 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
33648 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
33649 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
33651 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
33652 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
33654 -- George Jean Nathan
33656 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
33658 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
33659 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
33661 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
33664 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
33665 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
33668 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
33671 Marriage is the process of finding out what
33672 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
33674 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
33679 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
33682 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
33684 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
33685 connected by a thin strand.
33687 Come on, Marta, grow up.
33688 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33690 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
33691 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
33692 territory from invasion by another group."
33694 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
33695 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33697 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
33698 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
33699 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
33701 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
33702 -- George Bernard Shaw
33704 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
33705 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
33707 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
33708 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
33709 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
33710 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
33711 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
33712 named a drink Fred?"
33714 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
33715 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
33717 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
33718 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
33719 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
33720 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
33721 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
33722 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
33723 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
33724 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
33725 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
33726 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
33727 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
33728 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
33732 You can always find what you're not looking for.
33734 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
33735 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
33737 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
33740 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
33741 you treat everything like a nail.
33743 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
33744 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
33746 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
33748 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
33749 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
33752 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
33753 -- Christopher Hampton
33755 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
33758 Mater artium necessitas.
33759 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
33761 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33764 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33765 Please, don't drink and derive.
33772 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33776 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33778 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
33779 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33780 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33782 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33783 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33785 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33788 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33791 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33793 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33794 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33797 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33798 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33801 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33802 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33803 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33804 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33805 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33806 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33807 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33808 -- Bertrand Russell
33810 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33812 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33814 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33815 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33817 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33819 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33820 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33821 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33824 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33828 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33830 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33831 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33833 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33835 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33837 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33839 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33841 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33843 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33845 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33846 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33847 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33849 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33851 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33853 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33855 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33856 a full moon on a dark night,
33857 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33859 May you live in uninteresting times.
33862 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33864 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33866 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33867 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33869 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33870 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33873 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33876 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33877 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33880 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
33882 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33883 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33884 had to seek professional help."
33886 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33887 these days you can certainly charge it.
33890 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33891 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33893 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33895 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33896 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33897 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33899 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33900 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33904 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33905 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33908 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33909 just like everyone else.
33911 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33912 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33913 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33914 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33915 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33916 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33917 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33918 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33919 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33920 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33921 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33922 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33923 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33924 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33925 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33926 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33927 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33928 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33930 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33931 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33932 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33933 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33934 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33935 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33936 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33937 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33938 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33939 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33940 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33941 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33942 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33943 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33946 Measure twice, cut once.
33948 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33951 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33953 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33956 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33957 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33960 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33962 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33963 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33964 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33968 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33969 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33972 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33973 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33976 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33977 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33978 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33979 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33981 I guess some things never leave you.
33982 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33984 Memory fault -- brain fried
33986 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33988 Memory fault - where am I?
33990 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33992 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33995 Men are superior to women.
33998 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
34001 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
34002 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
34005 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
34008 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
34009 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
34012 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
34013 rights as women have of their wrongs.
34016 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
34018 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
34020 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
34021 from religious conviction.
34022 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
34024 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
34027 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
34028 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
34029 -- Winston Churchill
34031 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34032 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34034 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34036 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34037 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34039 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34040 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34041 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34042 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34043 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34044 and acts that are contrary to habit...
34045 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
34047 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
34050 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
34052 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
34054 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
34055 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
34057 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
34058 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
34061 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
34062 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
34063 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
34064 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
34065 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34067 Men who cherish for women the highest
34068 respect are seldom popular with them.
34071 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34072 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34074 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34075 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
34076 cork makes when it is popped.
34078 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34079 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34081 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34082 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34083 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34084 never hope to acquire it.
34086 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
34088 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
34089 it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
34090 very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
34091 tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
34092 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
34093 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
34094 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
34095 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
34096 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
34097 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
34098 more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
34099 fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
34100 older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
34101 obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
34102 window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
34103 hotshot cells moving up from below.
34104 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
34106 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
34107 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
34108 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
34111 Mental things which have not gone in through the
34112 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
34116 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
34119 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
34122 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
34124 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
34126 Message will arrive in the mail.
34127 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
34130 One who doubts the established fact that it is
34131 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
34133 Metermaids eat their young.
34135 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
34136 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
34137 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
34138 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
34139 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
34140 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
34141 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
34142 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
34143 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
34144 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
34145 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
34146 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
34147 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
34148 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
34149 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
34150 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
34151 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
34152 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
34153 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
34154 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
34155 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
34156 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
34157 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
34158 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
34159 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
34160 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
34161 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
34162 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
34164 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
34170 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
34172 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
34174 "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
34175 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
34177 Microwaves frizz your heir.
34179 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
34181 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
34182 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
34185 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
34186 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
34188 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
34191 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
34193 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
34195 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
34198 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
34202 Lose a few, lose a few.
34205 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
34207 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
34208 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
34211 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
34212 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
34213 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
34214 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
34215 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
34216 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
34217 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
34218 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
34219 the gold and the black.
34220 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
34222 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
34223 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
34224 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
34225 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
34226 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
34227 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
34230 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
34233 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
34235 Mind your own business, Spock.
34236 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
34238 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
34241 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
34245 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
34246 mosquito supplier to the free world.
34247 come fall in love with a loon.
34248 where visitors turn blue with envy.
34249 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
34250 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
34251 where the elite meet sleet.
34252 glove it or leave it.
34253 many are cold, but few are frozen.
34254 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
34255 land of 10,000 Petersons.
34257 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
34259 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
34260 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34263 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34265 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34268 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34270 Misery no longer loves company.
34271 Nowadays it insists on it.
34275 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34276 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34278 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34281 A title with which we brand unmarried
34282 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34283 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34285 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34287 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34290 The Georgia Tech of the North
34292 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34293 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
34294 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
34297 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
34298 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34299 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
34301 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34302 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34306 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34307 With five empty seats.
34310 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34311 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34313 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
34315 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34317 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
34318 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
34319 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34320 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34323 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34324 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34325 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34326 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34327 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34328 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34329 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34330 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34331 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34333 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34337 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34338 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34340 Moderation in all things.
34341 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34343 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34346 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34347 themselves that they have a better idea.
34350 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34352 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34353 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34354 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34355 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34356 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34357 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34358 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34359 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34360 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34361 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34362 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
34363 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
34366 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34368 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34371 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34372 not to be aware of it.
34375 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34376 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34378 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34380 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34381 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34383 Moebius always does it on the same side.
34385 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
34386 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
34387 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
34389 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34390 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34391 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34392 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34393 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34394 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34395 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
34396 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
34397 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
34398 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
34399 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
34400 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
34403 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
34404 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
34405 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
34406 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
34407 the atom in that it is an ion...
34408 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34410 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
34411 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
34412 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
34415 What you give a person when they are going away.
34417 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
34420 When they finally do have to take you to the
34421 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
34424 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
34427 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
34430 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
34431 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34433 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
34435 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34437 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
34441 but is excellent kindling.
34443 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
34444 Is a keen observer of life,
34445 The word intellectual suggests right away
34446 A man who's untrue to his wife.
34447 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
34449 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
34450 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
34453 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
34454 -- Christopher Marlowe
34456 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
34459 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
34462 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
34464 Money is its own reward.
34466 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
34468 Money is the root of all wealth.
34470 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
34473 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
34474 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
34476 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
34478 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
34479 puts you in a great bargaining position.
34481 Money will say more in one moment than
34482 the most eloquent lover can in years.
34484 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
34487 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
34491 Marriage to one woman at a time.
34494 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
34497 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
34499 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
34500 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
34501 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
34502 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
34505 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
34506 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
34509 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
34510 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
34513 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
34515 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
34518 "More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
34519 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
34523 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
34526 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
34528 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
34530 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
34531 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
34532 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
34533 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
34534 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
34535 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
34536 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
34537 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
34538 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
34540 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
34541 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
34542 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
34543 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
34545 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
34546 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
34547 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
34548 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
34550 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
34551 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
34552 I just want to win one little lottery."
34553 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
34554 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
34557 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
34559 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
34560 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
34561 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
34563 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
34564 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
34565 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
34568 The state bird of New Jersey.
34570 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
34572 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
34573 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
34574 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
34575 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
34576 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
34577 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
34578 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
34579 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
34580 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
34581 them that it doesn't make any difference.
34582 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
34585 Most folks they like the daytime,
34586 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
34587 They're up in the morning,
34588 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
34589 But when the sun goes down,
34590 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
34592 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
34593 and one of them is always night.
34594 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
34595 I guess you're gonna be all right.
34596 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
34597 My eyes just can't stand the light.
34599 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
34602 Most general statements are false, including this one.
34605 Most of our lives are about proving something,
34606 either to ourselves or to someone else.
34608 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
34609 difficulties before we get to them.
34612 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
34613 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
34614 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
34615 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
34616 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
34617 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
34618 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
34619 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
34620 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
34621 -- Alix Kates Shulman
34623 Most of your faults are not your fault.
34625 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
34627 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
34628 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
34629 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
34633 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
34635 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
34639 Most people deserve each other.
34642 Most people don't need a great deal of love
34643 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
34645 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
34648 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
34650 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
34651 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
34652 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
34655 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
34657 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
34658 a good reason, and the real reason.
34660 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
34661 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
34664 Most people need some of their problems
34665 to help take their mind off some of the others.
34667 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
34669 Most people want either less corruption
34670 or more of a chance to participate in it.
34672 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
34673 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
34675 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
34678 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
34680 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
34682 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
34683 can't talk for people who can't read.
34686 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
34688 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
34694 Mother Earth is not flat!
34696 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
34699 Mother is the invention of necessity.
34701 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
34704 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
34706 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
34707 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
34710 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
34711 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
34712 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
34714 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
34716 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
34718 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
34722 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
34723 population is growing.
34725 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
34726 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
34727 shirts but they're going back.
34729 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
34730 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
34732 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
34733 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
34734 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
34736 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
34737 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
34740 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
34741 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
34742 wrong, "Up to a point."
34743 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
34744 Yokohama isn't it?"
34745 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
34746 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
34747 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
34748 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
34750 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
34753 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
34754 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
34757 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
34758 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
34759 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34761 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
34762 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
34763 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
34765 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
34766 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
34767 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
34768 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
34769 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
34771 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
34772 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
34773 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
34774 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
34775 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
34776 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
34777 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
34778 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
34780 Multics is security spelled sideways.
34782 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
34783 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
34784 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
34785 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
34786 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
34787 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
34788 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
34789 as much fun to watch.
34790 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34793 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34795 Mummy dust to make me old;
34796 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34797 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34798 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34799 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34800 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34801 Now begin thy magic spell!
34802 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34805 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34807 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34808 -- Xaviera Hollander
34810 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34812 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34813 talk about after dinner.
34814 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34816 Murphy was an optimist.
34818 Murphy's Discovery:
34819 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34820 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34821 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34824 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34826 Murphy's Law of Research:
34827 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34829 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34830 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34833 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34834 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34835 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34838 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34840 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34843 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34845 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34846 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34849 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34850 long it has become a science project.
34851 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
34853 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34854 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34856 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34857 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34858 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34859 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34860 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34862 And you know two heads are better than one.
34864 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34865 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34866 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34867 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34868 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34869 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34870 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34871 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34872 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34873 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34874 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34875 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34877 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34879 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34881 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34882 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34884 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34885 The height of its contents to see!
34886 She lit a small match to assist her,
34887 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34889 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34890 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34891 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34892 a bulls-eye on the back.
34894 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34895 said, "So will you."
34896 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34898 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34901 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
34902 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34905 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34906 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34907 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34908 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34909 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34910 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34911 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34912 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34913 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34914 It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34916 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34917 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34919 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34920 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34921 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34922 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34923 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34924 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34925 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34926 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34927 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34929 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34930 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34932 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
34933 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
34935 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
34937 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34939 My darling wife was always glum.
34940 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34941 And so made sure that she would stay
34942 In better spirits night and day.
34944 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34945 Unless there are three other people.
34948 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34950 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34951 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34955 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34958 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34959 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34960 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34962 My father taught me three things:
34963 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34964 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34965 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34967 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34968 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34971 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34974 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34975 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34976 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34978 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34979 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34980 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34981 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34982 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34983 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34984 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34985 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34987 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34988 but they were there to meet the boat.
34990 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34991 later I can ask him what he meant.
34994 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34995 but always, always, he was right.
34997 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34998 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34999 back and dig her up.
35001 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
35002 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
35004 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
35005 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
35006 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
35007 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
35008 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
35010 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
35012 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
35014 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
35016 My interest is in the future because I am
35017 going to spend the rest of my life there.
35019 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
35022 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
35023 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
35024 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
35025 And the skies are sunlit for him.
35026 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
35027 As the fragrance of acacia.
35028 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
35029 And I wish he were in Asia.
35030 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
35032 My love runs by like a day in June,
35033 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
35034 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
35035 In the pathway or the morrows.
35036 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
35037 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
35038 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
35039 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
35040 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
35042 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
35043 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
35044 -- George Bernard Shaw
35046 My mind can never know my body, although
35047 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
35048 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
35050 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
35053 My mother loved children -- she would
35054 have given anything if I had been one.
35057 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
35058 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
35059 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
35060 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
35062 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
35066 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35067 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
35068 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
35069 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35071 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
35072 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
35073 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
35074 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
35077 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
35079 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
35080 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
35082 My only love sprung from my only hate!
35083 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
35084 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
35086 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
35088 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
35091 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
35092 And he cares not what comes after.
35093 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
35094 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
35095 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
35096 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
35097 My own dear love, he is all my world --
35098 And I wish I'd never met him.
35099 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
35101 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
35102 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
35103 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
35104 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
35105 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
35106 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
35107 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
35108 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
35109 -- James A. Michener
35111 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
35113 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
35114 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
35115 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
35116 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
35119 My philosophy is: Don't think.
35122 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
35125 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
35128 My rackets are run on strictly American
35129 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
35132 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
35133 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
35134 with our frail and feeble mind.
35137 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
35138 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
35139 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
35140 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
35141 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
35142 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
35143 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
35144 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
35145 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
35146 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
35147 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
35148 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
35149 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
35150 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
35153 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
35154 reason to limit myself.
35157 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
35158 She sells C shells by the seashore.
35160 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
35161 I do not like me anymore,
35162 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
35163 I ponder on the narrow house
35164 I shudder at the thought of men
35165 I'm due to fall in love again.
35166 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
35168 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
35169 -- Christopher Morley
35171 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
35174 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
35175 That's the funniest joke in the world.
35178 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
35180 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
35181 -- Booth Tarkington
35184 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
35185 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
35186 from the true accounts which it invents later.
35187 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35189 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
35190 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
35191 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
35193 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
35195 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
35196 "So, how's your daughter?"
35197 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
35198 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
35199 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
35200 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
35203 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
35205 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
35208 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
35211 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
35215 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
35218 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
35220 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
35222 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
35223 -- The Mad Palindromist
35225 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
35227 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
35229 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
35232 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
35234 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35236 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
35237 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
35238 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
35241 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
35242 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
35243 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
35244 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
35245 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
35246 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
35247 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
35250 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
35251 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
35254 "Have you ever seen me before?"
35256 "Then how do you know it was me?"
35258 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35260 "Why?", he was asked.
35261 "Because at night we need the light more."
35263 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
35264 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
35265 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
35266 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
35268 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35270 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35271 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35272 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35274 Natural laws have no pity.
35276 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35277 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35278 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35279 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35280 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35281 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35282 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35286 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
35287 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
35288 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
35292 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35293 -- Clare Booth Luce
35295 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35297 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35298 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35300 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35301 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35303 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35305 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35307 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35308 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35311 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35312 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35315 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35316 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35317 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35318 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35319 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35320 The solid power of understanding fails;
35321 Where beams of warm imagination play,
35322 The memory's soft figures melt away.
35323 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35325 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35328 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35329 On the Rue des Ecoles
35332 Every evening I would see him
35333 guiding the dog along
35334 the sidewalk, keeping
35335 a firm grip on the leash
35336 so that the dog wouldn't
35337 run into a passerby
35338 Sometimes the dog would stop
35339 and look up at the sky
35341 noticed me watching the dog
35342 and he said, "Oh, yes,
35344 when the moon is out,
35345 he can feel it on his face"
35348 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
35349 want to test a man's character, give him power.
35352 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35353 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35356 Necessity has no law.
35359 Necessity hath no law.
35362 Necessity is a mother.
35364 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35365 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35366 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35368 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35369 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35370 -- William Pitt, 1783
35372 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35375 Needs are a function of what other people have.
35377 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35380 Neil Armstrong tripped.
35382 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35384 Nemo me impune lacessit
35385 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35386 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35389 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35390 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
35391 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
35394 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
35398 Melancholia's blue.
35402 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
35403 Psychotics live in them,
35404 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
35406 Neutrinos are into physicists.
35408 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
35411 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
35412 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
35413 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
35415 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
35418 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
35419 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
35422 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
35424 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
35426 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
35428 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
35431 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
35432 Professionals built the Titanic.
35434 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
35436 Never buy from a rich salesman.
35439 Never buy what you do not want
35440 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
35441 -- Thomas Jefferson
35443 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
35445 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
35447 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
35449 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
35451 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
35455 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
35457 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
35458 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
35459 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
35460 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
35462 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
35464 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
35465 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
35466 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
35468 Never eat more than you can lift.
35471 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
35472 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
35474 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
35475 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
35478 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
35481 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
35483 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
35485 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
35487 Never give an inch!
35489 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
35492 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
35493 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
35495 Never have children, only grandchildren.
35498 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
35501 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
35503 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
35505 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
35508 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
35511 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
35513 Never laugh at live dragons.
35516 Never leave anything to chance;
35517 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
35519 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
35522 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
35523 interrupt the person who is doing it.
35525 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
35527 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
35528 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
35530 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
35533 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
35535 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
35536 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
35538 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
35540 -- Former deputy defense minister of India.
35542 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
35543 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
35545 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
35547 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
35549 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
35551 Never promise more than you can perform.
35554 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
35557 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
35559 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
35561 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
35562 law against it by that time.
35564 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
35568 Never reveal your best argument.
35570 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
35572 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
35574 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
35576 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
35579 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
35581 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
35583 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
35585 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
35586 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
35587 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
35588 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
35591 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
35593 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
35594 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
35595 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
35597 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
35600 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
35602 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
35604 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
35607 Never trust an operating system.
35609 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
35611 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
35613 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
35617 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
35619 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
35620 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
35622 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
35623 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
35625 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
35626 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
35628 "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
35630 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
35633 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
35634 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
35636 Never volunteer for anything.
35639 Never worry about theory as long as the
35640 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
35641 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35644 Different color from previous model.
35646 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
35648 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
35650 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
35651 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
35653 New members are urgently needed in the Society
35654 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
35656 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
35657 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
35660 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
35661 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
35662 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
35664 New systems generate new problems.
35666 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
35667 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
35668 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
35670 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
35672 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
35673 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
35676 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
35677 Flyin' in from London to your door
35678 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
35679 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
35681 -- Simon and Garfunkle
35683 New York's got the ways and means;
35684 Just won't let you be.
35685 -- The Grateful Dead
35688 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
35689 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
35691 Newman's Discovery:
35692 Your best dreams may not come true;
35693 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
35695 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
35700 Today the East German pole-vault champion
35701 became the West German pole-vault champion.
35706 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
35707 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
35710 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
35712 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
35713 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
35715 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
35716 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
35718 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
35721 Nice guys don't finish nice.
35723 Nice guys finish last.
35726 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
35729 Nice guys get sick.
35731 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
35732 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
35734 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
35736 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
35738 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
35739 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
35740 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
35742 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
35744 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
35745 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
35746 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
35747 but Americans call him by value.
35749 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
35750 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
35751 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
35752 Three megs for system source;
35754 One disk to rule them all,
35755 One disk to bind them,
35756 One disk to hold the files
35757 And in the darkness grind 'em.
35759 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
35760 And tapes without any tracks;
35761 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
35762 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
35763 Take hold of the tape
35764 And pull off the strip,
35765 And then you'll be sure
35766 Your tape drive will skip.
35768 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
35770 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
35773 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
35774 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
35777 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
35778 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
35779 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
35781 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
35782 that be and their friends hang out.
35785 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
35786 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
35787 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
35788 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
35790 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
35793 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35795 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35797 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35798 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35801 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35805 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35806 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35808 No character, however upright, is a match for
35809 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35810 -- Alexander Hamilton
35812 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35813 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35814 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35815 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35817 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35818 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35819 effectively under such difficult conditions.
35820 -- Laurence J. Peter
35824 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35825 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35826 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35828 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35829 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35831 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35834 No evil can happen to a good man.
35837 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35840 No extensible language will be universal.
35843 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35844 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35847 No good deed goes unpunished.
35848 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35850 No group of professionals meets except to
35851 conspire against the public at large.
35854 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35855 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35856 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35860 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35861 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35864 No, his mind is not for rent
35865 To any god or government.
35866 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35867 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35870 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35872 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35873 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35874 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35876 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35877 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35879 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35880 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35881 and Telegraph Company.
35882 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35885 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35888 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
35889 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
35891 No line available at 300 baud.
35893 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35894 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35895 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35896 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35897 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35898 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35899 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35900 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35905 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35906 interest in hair restorers.
35909 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35911 -- Channing Pollock
35913 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35914 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35915 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35916 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35917 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35918 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35919 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35921 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35923 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35925 No man is useless who has a friend,
35926 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35927 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35929 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35932 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35933 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35936 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35937 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35940 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35941 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35942 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35946 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35948 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35950 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35951 signs of improvement.
35952 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35954 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35957 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35959 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35960 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35962 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35964 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35965 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35967 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35968 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35971 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35972 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35975 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35976 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35977 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35978 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35979 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35980 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35981 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35983 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35984 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35986 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35988 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35989 dirty little beast.
35992 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35993 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35995 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35997 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35999 "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
36001 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
36002 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
36004 No one knows like a woman how to say
36005 things that are at once gentle and deep.
36008 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
36011 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
36014 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
36017 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
36018 one who's giving it.
36021 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
36022 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
36024 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
36025 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
36029 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
36030 For this isn't really the norm.
36031 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
36032 So what? Any pork in a storm.
36034 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
36035 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
36036 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
36037 Cast even more perils before swine.
36039 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
36040 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
36041 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
36042 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
36044 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
36045 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
36046 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
36047 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
36049 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
36050 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
36051 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
36052 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
36055 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36056 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36057 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36058 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36060 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
36061 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
36062 their wish has been granted.
36063 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
36065 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
36067 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
36070 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
36072 "No program is perfect,"
36073 They said with a shrug.
36074 "The customer's happy--
36075 What's one little bug?"
36077 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
36078 The others went home. As year followed year.
36079 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
36080 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
36082 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
36083 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
36084 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
36085 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
36087 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
36088 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
36089 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
36090 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
36091 -- The Perfect Programmer
36093 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
36094 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
36095 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
36096 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
36097 indication-applied occurrence.
36100 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
36102 No rock so hard but that a little wave
36103 May beat admission in a thousand years.
36106 No self-made man ever did such a good job
36107 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
36110 "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
36112 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
36113 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
36115 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
36117 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
36118 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
36121 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
36123 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
36124 Finished his old Raven,
36125 then he started his Old Crow.
36127 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
36130 No spitting on the Bus!
36131 Thank you, The Management.
36133 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
36136 No two persons ever read the same book.
36139 No use getting too involved in life --
36140 you're only here for a limited time.
36142 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
36145 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
36146 she will or will not be a mother.
36147 -- Margaret H. Sanger
36149 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
36150 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
36152 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
36153 him than he deserves.
36154 -- Edgar Watson Howe
36156 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
36157 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
36159 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
36161 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
36163 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
36164 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36165 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36166 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36167 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36168 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36169 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36170 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36171 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36172 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36173 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36174 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36175 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36176 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36177 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
36178 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36179 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36180 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36181 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36182 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36183 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36186 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
36188 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
36190 -- Tallulah Bankhead
36192 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
36194 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
36197 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
36199 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
36201 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
36202 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
36203 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
36204 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
36205 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
36206 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
36209 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
36211 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
36215 Everybody hates me,
36216 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
36217 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
36218 Eat their insides out,
36219 And throw way the skins.
36220 Big, fat, juicy ones,
36221 Little, skinny, cute ones,
36222 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
36224 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
36225 And then it's too late.
36227 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
36230 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
36231 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
36232 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
36234 Only Capone kills like that.
36235 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36237 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
36238 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36240 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
36241 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
36242 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
36245 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
36246 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
36248 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
36249 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
36251 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
36252 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
36254 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
36255 coming in late and lying about it.
36259 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
36260 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
36264 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
36268 New Yorkerese for expensive.
36274 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
36277 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
36279 None love the bearer of bad news.
36282 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
36283 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
36284 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
36285 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
36286 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
36287 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
36288 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
36289 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
36290 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36292 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36293 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36294 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36296 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36299 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36302 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36304 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36306 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36307 intentions. He had money as well.
36308 -- Margaret Thatcher
36310 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36311 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36313 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36314 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36315 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36317 Coach: How's life, Norm?
36318 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36319 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36321 Norm: Hey, everybody.
36322 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36323 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36325 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36326 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36327 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36329 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36330 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36332 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36334 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36335 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36336 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36338 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36340 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36341 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36342 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36344 Coach: What's up, Normie?
36345 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36346 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36348 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36350 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36352 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36354 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36355 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36356 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36357 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36359 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36360 Norm: Elope with my wife.
36361 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36363 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36364 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36365 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36369 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36370 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36371 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36373 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36374 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36375 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36376 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36378 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36379 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36380 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36382 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
36384 Coach: What's up, Norm?
36385 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36386 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36388 Sam: What's new, Normie?
36389 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36390 They're demanding beer.
36391 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36393 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36394 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36395 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36397 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
36398 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
36400 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
36402 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
36403 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
36404 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
36406 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
36407 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
36408 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
36409 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
36411 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
36413 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
36414 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
36415 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
36417 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
36419 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
36421 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
36423 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
36425 Not all men who drink are poets.
36426 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
36428 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
36429 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
36431 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
36432 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
36434 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
36435 the capitalist mode of production.
36438 Not every question deserves an answer.
36440 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
36442 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
36443 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
36444 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
36445 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
36446 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
36447 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
36448 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
36449 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
36450 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
36451 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
36453 "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
36456 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
36457 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
36458 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
36460 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
36461 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
36463 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
36466 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
36467 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
36468 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
36470 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
36473 "Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
36474 to have been written by Bruce Evans."
36475 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
36477 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
36478 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
36479 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
36480 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
36481 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
36482 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
36483 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
36484 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
36485 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
36486 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
36487 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
36488 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
36489 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
36490 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
36492 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
36494 Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
36495 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
36497 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
36499 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
36500 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
36501 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
36502 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
36503 not to make any poultry jokes.
36506 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
36507 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36509 Nothing can be done in one trip.
36512 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
36514 Nothing endures but change.
36516 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
36518 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
36519 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
36522 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
36523 -- Winston Churchill
36525 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
36526 satisfying as an income tax refund.
36529 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
36531 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
36533 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
36534 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
36535 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
36537 Nothing is but what is not.
36539 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
36541 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
36543 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
36544 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
36546 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
36548 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36551 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
36554 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
36555 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
36558 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
36560 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
36561 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
36562 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36564 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
36565 -- Michel de Montaigne
36567 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
36568 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
36570 Nothing lasts forever.
36571 Where do I find nothing?
36573 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
36575 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
36576 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
36579 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
36582 Nothing motivates a man more than to
36583 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
36585 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
36586 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
36587 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
36588 which can be offered to a personality.
36589 -- Soren Kierkegaard
36591 Nothing recedes like success.
36594 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
36595 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
36598 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
36601 Nothing succeeds like success.
36604 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
36605 -- Christopher Lascl
36607 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
36610 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36611 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36612 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36613 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
36614 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
36615 She got from trying to fight
36616 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
36618 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
36619 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
36620 She said it before, she said it to me,
36621 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
36622 But the same old four imaginary walls
36623 She'd built for livin' inside
36624 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
36626 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36627 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36628 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36629 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
36630 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
36631 The veil that covered her eyes,
36632 I said oh, you can leave it.
36633 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
36635 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
36638 Nothing will ever be attempted
36639 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
36643 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
36644 be summarily put out.
36648 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
36650 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
36652 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
36653 French for "not enough food".
36655 Continental breakfast, n:
36656 English for "not enough food".
36659 Spanish for "not enough food".
36662 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
36665 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
36666 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36668 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
36670 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
36671 not better, just different.
36673 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
36675 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
36676 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
36677 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
36679 Now I lay me back to sleep.
36680 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
36681 If he should stop before I wake,
36682 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
36685 Now I lay me down to sleep
36686 I pray the double lock will keep;
36687 May no brick through the window break,
36688 And, no one rob me till I awake.
36690 Now I lay me down to sleep,
36691 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
36692 If I should die before I wake,
36693 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
36695 Now I lay me down to study,
36696 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
36697 And if I fail to learn this junk,
36698 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
36699 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
36700 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
36701 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
36702 Then pile my books upon my chest.
36704 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
36707 Now is the time for drinking;
36708 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
36709 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36711 Now it's time to say goodbye
36712 To all our company...
36713 M-I-C (see you next week!)
36714 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
36717 Now of my threescore years and ten,
36718 Twenty will not come again,
36719 And take from seventy springs a score,
36720 It leaves me only fifty more.
36722 And since to look at things in bloom
36723 Fifty springs are little room,
36724 About the woodlands I will go
36725 To see the cherry hung with snow.
36728 Now that day wearies me,
36730 Will receive more kindly,
36731 Like a tired child, the starry night.
36733 Hands, leave off your deeds,
36734 Mind, forget all thoughts;
36736 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
36738 And my soul, unguarded,
36739 Would soar on widespread wings,
36740 To live in night's magical sphere
36741 More profoundly, more variously.
36742 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
36744 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
36745 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
36746 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
36747 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
36749 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
36750 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
36751 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
36752 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
36753 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
36754 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
36755 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
36757 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
36759 "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
36760 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
36761 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
36762 -- "The Begatting of a President"
36764 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
36765 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
36766 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
36768 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
36769 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
36772 "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
36774 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
36777 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
36778 the next freeway exit.
36780 Now's the time to have some big ideas
36781 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
36782 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
36783 Talking politics and nuclear fission
36784 We see him and he's all washed up --
36785 Moving on into the body of a beetle
36786 Getting ready for a long long crawl
36787 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
36789 Death and Money make their point once more
36790 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
36791 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
36792 Deadly angels for reality and passion
36793 Have the courage of the here and now
36794 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
36795 When you think you got it paid in full
36796 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36797 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36798 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36799 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36800 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36801 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
36803 Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36804 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36805 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36806 Times, June 10, 1955.
36808 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36811 "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
36814 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36815 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36816 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36818 "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
36821 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36823 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36825 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36827 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36829 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36832 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36834 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36835 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36836 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36837 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36840 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36841 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36842 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36843 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36845 O! If I were a fish
36846 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36847 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36850 For fish don't ever mish;
36851 They needn't flush after they pish!
36852 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36853 For all the fish!!!
36856 Where the buffalo roam,
36857 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36858 Where seldom is heard
36859 A discouraging word,
36860 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36862 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36863 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36866 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36867 To use it like a giant.
36868 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36870 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36871 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36873 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36874 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36875 Might we not smash it to bits
36876 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36877 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
36881 Objects are lost only because people
36882 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36885 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36887 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36888 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36889 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36891 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36894 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36897 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36898 To activate its captivation,
36899 Deposit on its termination,
36900 A quantity of particles saline.
36902 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36904 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
36905 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36906 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36907 of the grandstands.
36909 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36912 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36913 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36916 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36917 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36918 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36919 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36920 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36924 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36925 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36927 Odets, where is thy sting?
36928 -- George S. Kaufman
36930 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36932 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36933 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36936 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36937 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36939 -- Thomas L. Martin
36941 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36944 Of all the words of witch's doom
36945 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36946 The man who kills both which and whom
36947 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36950 Of all things man is the measure.
36953 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36956 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36957 if you don't know them too well.
36958 -- Charles Bukowski
36960 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36961 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36964 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36965 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36967 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36969 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36970 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36973 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36974 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36976 Official Project Stages:
36977 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36979 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36981 5. Search for the Guilty
36982 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36983 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36985 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36986 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36988 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36991 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36993 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36995 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36998 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
37000 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
37001 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
37002 And isn't your life extremely flat
37003 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
37005 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
37006 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
37007 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
37008 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
37010 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
37011 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
37012 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
37013 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
37015 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
37016 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
37017 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
37018 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
37020 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
37021 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
37022 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
37023 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
37025 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
37026 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
37027 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
37028 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
37029 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
37031 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
37033 Oh, give me a home,
37034 Where the buffalo roam,
37035 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
37037 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
37038 Where the three-body problem is solved,
37039 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
37040 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
37041 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
37042 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
37043 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
37044 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
37045 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
37046 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
37047 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
37048 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
37049 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
37050 And living up here is a bore.
37051 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
37052 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
37054 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
37055 Where the space debris always collects,
37056 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
37057 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
37058 -- to Home on the Range
37060 Oh give me your pity!
37061 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
37062 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
37063 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
37065 We confer and concur,
37066 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
37067 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
37068 And consider a load of reports.
37070 We compose and propose,
37071 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
37072 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
37073 There's terribly little gets done.
37075 We resolve and absolve;
37076 But we never dissolve,
37077 Since it's out of the question for us
37078 To bring our committee
37079 To end like this ditty,
37080 Which stops with a period, thus.
37081 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
37083 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
37084 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
37085 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
37086 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
37087 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
37088 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
37089 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
37090 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
37091 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
37092 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
37093 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
37094 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
37095 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
37096 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
37097 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
37099 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37100 I muck with indices and structs all day
37101 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
37102 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37104 Oh, I could while away the hours,
37105 Smoking herbs and flowers,
37106 Shooting up my veins,
37107 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
37108 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
37109 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
37110 If I dealt in good cocaine.
37111 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
37113 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
37114 be irresponsible, too.
37117 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
37118 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
37119 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
37120 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
37121 You have not dreamed of --
37122 Wheeled and soared and swung
37123 High in the sunlit silence.
37125 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
37126 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
37127 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
37128 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
37129 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
37130 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
37131 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
37132 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
37133 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
37135 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
37136 From a typical American town.
37137 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37138 And keeping old Castro down.
37139 And when it came my time to serve
37140 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
37141 But when I got to my old draft board,
37142 Buddy, this is what I said:
37145 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
37146 And I always carry a purse!
37147 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
37148 And my asthma's getting worse!
37149 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
37150 And my poor old invalid aunt!
37151 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
37152 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
37153 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37155 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
37156 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
37157 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
37158 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
37160 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
37161 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
37162 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
37164 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
37165 it's what you do with what you have left.
37166 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
37168 Oh, so there you are!
37170 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
37171 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
37172 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
37173 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
37174 -- The Smothers Brothers
37176 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
37177 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
37179 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
37180 Born under one law, to another bound.
37181 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
37183 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
37185 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
37188 Oh, when I was in love with you,
37189 Then I was clean and brave,
37190 And miles around the wonder grew
37191 How well did I behave.
37193 And now the fancy passes by,
37194 And nothing will remain,
37195 And miles around they'll say that I
37196 Am quite myself again.
37199 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
37201 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
37202 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
37203 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
37204 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
37206 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
37207 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
37211 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
37212 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
37213 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
37214 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
37215 save precious time and electrons.
37218 "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
37221 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
37223 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
37224 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
37225 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
37226 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
37228 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
37230 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
37233 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
37236 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
37239 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
37241 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
37243 Old Japanese proverb:
37244 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
37245 and those who climb it twice.
37247 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
37249 Old mail has arrived.
37251 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
37252 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
37253 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
37255 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
37256 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
37257 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
37258 And so was her daughter, I guess...
37260 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37262 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37264 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
37266 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37268 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37271 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37274 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37276 omnibiblious, adj.:
37277 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37280 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37281 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37282 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37283 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37285 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37287 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37290 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37292 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
37295 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37296 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37298 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
37299 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37302 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37303 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37304 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37306 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37307 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37311 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37312 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37313 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37314 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37315 you come any closer."
37316 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37318 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37320 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37321 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37322 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37325 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
37326 proposition that all men are created jerks.
37327 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37329 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37330 same moment -- halftime.
37332 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37334 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37335 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37336 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37337 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37339 On the subject of C program indentation:
37341 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37342 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37343 -- Blair P. Houghton
37345 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37346 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
37348 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
37349 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
37350 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
37351 ideas that could provoke such a question.
37354 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
37355 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37356 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37358 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37359 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37363 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37365 Once again dread deed is done.
37367 his all-knowing eye shaded
37368 to human chance and circumstance.
37369 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
37370 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
37372 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
37373 Impatient hands wait eagerly
37375 scant moments of time
37376 wrested from life in the full
37377 glory of Canon's power;
37378 held captive by his unblinking eye.
37380 Three golden orbs stand watch;
37381 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
37382 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
37383 When that feared moment arives,
37384 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
37385 It tolls for thee."
37386 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
37387 Valley Pawn Shop today"
37389 Once Again From the Top
37391 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
37392 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
37393 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
37394 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
37395 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
37396 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
37397 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
37398 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
37399 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
37400 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
37401 The Herald regrets the errors."
37402 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
37404 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
37405 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
37408 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
37409 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
37410 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
37411 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
37412 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
37413 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
37415 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
37416 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
37417 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
37418 principles or your mistress".
37420 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
37423 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
37424 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
37425 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
37426 the railroad yards."
37427 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
37428 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
37429 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
37431 Once I finally figured out all of life's
37432 answers, they changed the questions.
37434 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
37435 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
37436 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
37438 Once is happenstance,
37439 Twice is coincidence,
37440 Three times is enemy action.
37441 -- Auric Goldfinger
37443 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
37444 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
37446 Once Law was sitting on the bench
37447 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
37448 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
37449 Nor come before me creeping.
37450 Upon you knees if you appear,
37451 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
37453 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
37454 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
37455 "Amica curiae," she replied --
37456 "Friend of the court, so please you."
37457 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
37458 I never saw your face before!"
37459 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37461 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
37462 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
37463 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
37464 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
37467 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
37470 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
37471 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
37472 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
37473 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
37474 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
37475 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
37476 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
37477 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
37478 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
37479 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
37480 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
37481 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
37482 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
37483 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
37484 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
37485 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
37486 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
37487 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
37488 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
37489 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
37490 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
37491 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
37493 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
37494 a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
37495 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
37496 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
37497 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
37498 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
37499 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
37500 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
37501 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
37503 Once upon a time there...
37505 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
37506 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
37507 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
37508 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
37509 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
37510 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
37511 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
37512 possession. And the moral of the story is:
37514 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
37517 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
37518 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
37519 the smaller prime numbers.
37521 2: The Odd Prime --
37522 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
37523 3: The True Prime --
37524 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
37525 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
37526 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
37527 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
37528 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
37529 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
37532 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
37533 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
37534 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
37536 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
37537 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
37538 Over many a broken and subordinate
37539 Volume of gnarly lore,
37540 While I pestered, nearly singing,
37541 Sudddenly there came a hewing,
37542 As of someone profusely skulking,
37543 Skulking at my chamber door.
37545 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
37547 Once you've tried to change the world you find
37548 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
37550 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
37551 somebody's listening.
37552 -- Franklin P. Jones
37554 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
37556 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
37558 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
37559 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
37560 -- Chuq Von Rospach
37562 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
37564 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
37566 One Bell System - it works.
37568 One big pile is better than two little piles.
37571 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
37574 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
37575 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
37578 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
37579 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
37580 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
37582 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
37584 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
37585 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
37586 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
37588 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
37590 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
37591 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
37593 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
37594 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
37595 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
37596 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
37597 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
37598 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
37599 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
37600 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
37601 and march back home."
37602 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
37603 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
37604 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
37605 to Poland three times and never invade?"
37606 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
37608 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
37609 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
37610 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
37611 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
37612 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
37613 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
37614 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
37615 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
37616 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
37617 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
37618 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
37619 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
37620 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
37621 just jumped out with my knapsack."
37623 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
37624 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
37625 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
37626 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
37627 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
37628 is death by hanging."
37629 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
37630 "I don't believe you."
37631 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
37632 "But that would make it the truth!"
37633 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
37635 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
37636 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
37637 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
37638 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
37639 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
37640 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
37641 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
37642 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
37643 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
37644 there a number of details to be figured out.
37645 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
37646 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
37647 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
37649 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
37650 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
37651 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
37652 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
37653 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
37654 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
37655 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
37656 harmonic motion..."
37660 With nothing to say,
37661 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37662 That started: "One day,
37664 With nothing to say,
37665 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37666 That started: "One day,
37669 Were the words that the poet,
37671 To bring his mad poem,
37672 To some sort of close".
37673 Were the words that the poet,
37675 To bring his mad poem,
37676 To some sort of close".
37678 One difference between a man and a machine
37679 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
37681 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
37684 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
37685 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
37686 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
37687 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
37688 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
37689 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
37690 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
37691 been havin' all these years."
37692 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
37693 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
37694 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
37695 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
37696 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
37697 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
37698 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
37699 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
37700 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
37702 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
37705 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
37707 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
37710 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
37711 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
37713 -- Henry Brook Adams
37715 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
37716 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
37718 One good reason why computers can do more work than
37719 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
37721 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
37723 One good thing about music,
37724 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
37725 So hit me with music;
37726 Hit me with music now.
37727 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
37729 One good turn asketh another.
37732 One good turn deserves another.
37735 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
37737 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
37738 and end up with the atomic bomb.
37741 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
37744 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
37745 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
37747 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
37750 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
37753 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
37754 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
37756 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
37758 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
37759 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
37760 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
37761 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
37765 One man's constant is another man's variable.
37768 One man's folly is another man's wife.
37771 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
37772 "Supernatural" is a null word.
37774 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
37777 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
37779 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
37780 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
37783 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
37785 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
37786 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
37789 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
37793 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
37795 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
37797 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
37798 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
37799 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
37800 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
37801 nobody can touch him.
37802 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
37804 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
37805 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37809 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37810 enough to give you presents they make at school.
37813 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37814 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37815 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37817 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37818 do and always a clever thing to say.
37821 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37822 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37823 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37824 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37825 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37826 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37827 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37828 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37829 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37830 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37831 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37833 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37834 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37837 One of the most striking differences between a
37838 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37841 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37842 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
37844 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37846 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37848 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37850 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37851 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37852 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37853 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37854 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37856 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37857 once had a publisher shot.
37858 -- Siegfried Unseld
37860 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37862 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37863 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37864 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37865 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37866 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37867 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37868 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37869 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37870 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37872 One organism, one vote.
37874 One person's error is another person's data.
37876 One picture is worth 128K words.
37878 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37881 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37882 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37883 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37884 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37885 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37886 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37888 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37889 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37890 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37892 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37893 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37894 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37897 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37899 One planet is all you get.
37901 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37902 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37904 One possible reason why things aren't going
37905 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37907 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37908 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37909 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37910 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37911 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37912 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37913 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37914 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37915 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37916 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37917 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37918 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37919 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37920 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37921 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37922 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37923 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37925 One reason why George Washington
37926 Is held in such veneration:
37927 He never blamed his problems
37928 On the former Administration.
37929 -- George O. Ludcke
37931 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37932 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37933 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37934 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37935 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37936 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37937 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37938 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37941 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37943 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37947 Doesn't fit anyone.
37949 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37951 One thing about the past.
37952 It's likely to last.
37955 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37956 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37957 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37958 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37960 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37962 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
37964 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37965 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37967 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37968 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37972 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37974 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
37975 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
37976 going to be out that long."
37979 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37980 One toke over the line,
37981 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37982 One toke over the line.
37983 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37984 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37985 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37986 One toke over the line.
37988 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37991 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37993 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37994 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37997 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
38001 One-Shot Case Study, n:
38002 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
38003 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
38006 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
38009 Only a fool has no doubts.
38011 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
38014 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
38016 Only fools are quoted.
38019 Only God can make random selections.
38021 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
38024 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
38025 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
38027 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
38028 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
38031 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
38032 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
38034 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
38035 to use the editorial "we".
38037 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
38038 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
38040 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
38043 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
38044 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
38045 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
38046 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
38047 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
38048 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
38049 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
38050 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
38051 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
38052 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
38053 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
38054 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
38056 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
38059 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
38060 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
38063 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
38065 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
38067 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
38068 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
38069 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
38070 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
38071 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
38072 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
38073 -- Sicilian police officer
38075 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
38076 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
38078 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
38080 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
38082 Onward through the fog.
38084 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
38086 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
38089 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
38090 feel like eating for the next six days.
38091 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
38093 Oppernockity tunes but once.
38095 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
38096 work, so most people don't recognize them.
38098 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
38099 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
38100 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
38101 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
38103 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
38104 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
38107 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
38108 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
38109 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
38110 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
38111 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
38112 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
38115 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
38117 A pessimist asked God for relief.
38118 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
38119 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
38120 would justify them."
38121 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
38122 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
38123 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38126 Someone who goes down to the marriage
38127 bureau to see if his license has expired.
38130 A bagpiper with a beeper.
38132 Optimization hinders evolution.
38134 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
38137 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
38139 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
38140 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
38144 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
38147 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
38150 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
38151 Cleanliness is next to impossible
38155 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
38156 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
38159 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
38160 to people you could not have possibly met.
38161 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38164 Variables won't; constants aren't.
38166 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
38169 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
38170 Where most she satisfies.
38171 -- Antony and Cleopatra
38173 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
38175 Others will look to you for stability,
38176 so hide when you bite your nails.
38178 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
38179 Murphy was an optimist.
38181 Ouch! That felt good!
38184 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
38185 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
38187 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
38188 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
38189 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
38191 Our business in life is not to succeed
38192 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
38193 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
38195 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
38196 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
38197 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
38198 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
38199 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
38200 home-made, hand-held model.
38202 Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
38203 to the Pentagon free of charge:
38205 a. Don't kill anybody.
38206 b. Don't build things that do.
38207 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
38209 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
38212 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
38213 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
38215 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
38216 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
38217 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
38218 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
38220 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38224 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
38225 means to be a programmer."
38227 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
38228 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
38229 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
38230 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
38231 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
38232 to have been quite real.
38233 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
38235 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
38237 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
38238 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
38240 Our little systems have their day;
38241 They have their day and cease to be;
38242 They are but broken lights of thee.
38245 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
38246 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
38247 In kernel as it is in user.
38249 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
38250 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
38251 rain, we were punished.
38252 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
38254 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
38255 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
38257 Our problems are so serious that the best
38258 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
38260 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
38261 We their sons are more worthless than they:
38262 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
38263 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38265 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
38266 -- Christopher Marlowe
38268 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
38269 In all of the directions it can whiz;
38270 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
38271 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
38272 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
38273 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
38274 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
38275 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
38278 "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
38281 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
38282 -- General Omar N. Bradley
38284 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
38285 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
38287 Out of sight is out of mind.
38290 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
38293 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
38295 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
38296 it's too dark to read."
38299 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38300 need of the manager than the programming task.
38302 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38303 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38305 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38306 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38307 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38308 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38309 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38310 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38311 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38313 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
38314 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
38315 Concepts and Philosophies,"
38316 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38318 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38319 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38320 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38321 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38323 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38325 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38327 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
38330 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38332 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38334 Owe no man any thing...
38337 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38338 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38339 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38340 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38341 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38342 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38343 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38344 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38345 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38348 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38349 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38350 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38351 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38352 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38354 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38355 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38356 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38359 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38360 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38362 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38365 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
38366 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
38367 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38368 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
38370 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
38371 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
38372 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
38373 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
38374 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
38375 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
38376 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
38378 troopa, n: A state policeman.
38379 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
38380 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
38381 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
38384 Falling out of a twenty story building,
38385 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
38388 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
38391 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
38393 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
38396 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
38397 exposing them to the critic.
38401 Never open a box you didn't close.
38403 panic: can't find /
38405 panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
38407 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
38411 2 dashes == 1smidgen
38412 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
38413 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
38414 2 soupcons == too much paprika
38416 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
38420 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
38422 Paralysis through analysis.
38425 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
38427 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
38429 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
38431 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
38433 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
38434 Now ... just try to find out where!
38436 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
38438 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
38439 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
38442 Pardon me while I laugh.
38444 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
38446 Pardo's First Postulate:
38447 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
38451 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
38453 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
38454 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
38457 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
38459 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
38460 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
38461 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
38463 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
38464 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
38465 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
38467 Parsley is gharsley.
38470 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
38473 A gathering where you meet people who drink
38474 so much you can't even remember their names.
38477 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
38478 in his grave if he knew about it.
38479 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
38481 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
38482 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
38484 Pascal is not a high-level language.
38487 "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
38488 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
38491 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
38492 his grave if he knew about it.
38495 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
38496 Please modify your programs accordingly.
38499 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
38500 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
38502 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
38507 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
38509 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
38510 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
38511 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
38512 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
38514 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
38515 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
38517 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
38518 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
38521 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
38523 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
38524 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
38525 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
38526 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
38527 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
38528 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
38529 par for the course, Charlie.
38530 -- Firesign Theatre
38533 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
38534 under brain transplants.
38536 Patch griefs with proverbs.
38537 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
38540 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
38542 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
38544 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
38547 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
38548 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
38550 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
38551 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38553 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38554 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
38556 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
38557 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
38558 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
38561 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
38562 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
38563 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
38565 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38568 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
38569 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
38571 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
38574 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
38577 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
38580 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
38584 You can't fall off the floor.
38586 Pause for storage relocation.
38589 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
38590 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
38591 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
38592 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
38602 up your ides under brown-
38609 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
38611 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
38612 can only be achieved by understanding.
38615 Peace is much more precious than a piece
38616 of land... let there be no more wars.
38617 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
38620 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
38621 periods of fighting.
38622 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38626 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
38627 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
38628 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
38630 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
38632 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
38633 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
38634 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
38635 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
38637 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
38638 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
38639 the week that has a "y" in it.
38642 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
38643 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
38644 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38647 A car with only one working headlight.
38648 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38650 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
38651 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
38652 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
38653 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
38654 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
38655 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
38656 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
38657 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
38659 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
38660 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
38661 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
38663 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
38669 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
38672 "I will never understand people."
38673 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
38674 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
38675 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
38676 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
38677 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
38678 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
38679 -- no offense intended."
38680 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
38682 Penguin Trivia #46:
38683 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
38684 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
38689 A federally insured chain letter.
38691 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
38692 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
38693 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
38694 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
38695 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
38696 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
38697 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38699 People are beginning to notice you.
38700 Try dressing before you leave the house.
38702 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
38704 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
38706 People don't change; they only become more so.
38708 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
38709 times, four time, five times...
38711 People in general do not willingly read
38712 if they have anything else to amuse them.
38715 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
38716 -- The Best of Will Rogers
38718 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
38719 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
38721 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
38723 -- Otto von Bismarck
38725 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
38726 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
38727 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38729 People often find it easier to be a
38730 result of the past than a cause of the future.
38732 People respond to people who respond.
38734 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
38738 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
38739 have been left out on the pleasure.
38742 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
38743 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
38744 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
38745 the concentration camps.
38747 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
38749 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
38750 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
38753 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
38756 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
38758 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
38759 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
38760 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
38762 People who claim they don't let little things bother
38763 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
38765 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
38766 -- Abigail Van Buren
38768 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38770 People who have no faults are terrible;
38771 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
38773 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
38774 what they want that they don't want it.
38777 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
38779 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
38781 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
38783 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
38786 People who think they know everything
38787 greatly annoy those of us who do.
38789 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
38790 Franklin said it first.
38792 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
38794 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
38797 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
38799 People's Action Rules:
38800 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
38801 (2) Some people who should, won't.
38802 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
38803 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
38804 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
38806 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
38809 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
38810 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
38812 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38815 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38818 One who makes his host feel at home.
38820 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
38821 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
38822 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38825 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38826 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38827 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38829 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38830 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38833 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38834 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38837 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38839 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38840 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38841 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38842 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38844 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38848 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38849 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38850 -- Gandalf the Grey
38852 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38853 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38854 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38855 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38856 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38857 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38858 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38859 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38860 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38861 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38862 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38863 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38864 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38865 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38866 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38867 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38868 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38870 -- Fowler's English Usage
38872 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38873 a merit in political leaders.
38874 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38876 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38877 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38878 -- Bernadette Bosky
38880 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38882 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38883 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38884 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38885 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38888 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38889 wolf from the door.
38892 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38896 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38898 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38899 Waiter: Who told you?
38900 Pete: A little swallow.
38902 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38903 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38904 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38905 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38907 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38908 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38909 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38910 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38911 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38913 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38915 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38916 Look after the molehills, and the
38917 mountains will look after themselves.
38919 Peter's Principle of Success:
38920 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38923 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38926 Peterson's Admonition:
38927 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38928 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38931 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38932 are filled with something sticky.
38933 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38934 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38935 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38938 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38939 the window of a vending machine too long.
38940 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38942 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38944 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38945 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38947 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38950 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38953 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38955 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38958 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38961 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
38962 will bring it back to life).
38963 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38965 Photographing a volcano is just about
38966 the most miserable thing you can do.
38967 -- Robert B. Goodman
38968 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38970 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38971 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38972 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38973 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38975 Pick another fortune cookie.
38977 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38978 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38979 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38980 She left me not knowing what to do.
38982 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38983 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38984 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38985 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38987 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38988 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38989 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38990 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38991 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38993 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38994 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38995 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38996 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38997 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
39000 If Congress must do a painful thing,
39001 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
39003 "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
39004 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
39005 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
39007 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
39008 Not one damn thing do we solve.
39011 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
39017 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
39018 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
39019 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
39020 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39022 Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
39023 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
39026 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
39027 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
39029 Piping down the valleys wild,
39030 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
39031 On a cloud I saw a child,
39032 And he laughing said to me:
39033 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
39034 So I piped with merry cheer.
39035 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
39036 So I piped: he wept to hear.
39037 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
39039 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
39040 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
39041 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
39042 -- Love and Rockets
39044 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
39045 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
39046 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
39047 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
39048 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
39051 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
39052 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
39053 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
39054 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
39055 get run over by a bus.
39057 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
39058 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
39059 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
39060 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
39063 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
39067 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
39068 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
39069 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
39070 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
39074 "Plaese porrf raed."
39075 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
39077 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
39078 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
39079 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
39080 Don't shade your eyes,
39081 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
39082 Only be sure to call it research.
39085 Planet Claire has pink hair.
39086 All the trees are red.
39087 No one ever dies there.
39088 No one has a head....
39090 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
39091 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
39092 -- Green Lantern Comics
39094 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
39095 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
39096 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
39097 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
39100 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
39101 What develops when two people get
39102 tired of making love to each other.
39104 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
39107 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
39109 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
39111 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
39112 by asking me to do something for you.
39114 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
39115 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
39117 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
39119 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
39120 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
39122 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
39123 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
39127 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
39129 Please ignore previous fortune.
39131 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
39133 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
39135 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
39136 us being hysterical at the same time.
39138 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39140 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
39141 For we are young and free.
39142 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
39143 Our home is girt by sea.
39144 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
39145 Of beauty rich and rare.
39146 In history's page, let every stage
39147 Advance Australia Fair.
39148 In joyful strains then let us sing,
39149 Advance Australia Fair.
39151 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39153 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39155 God save our Gracious Queen!
39156 Long live our Noble Queen!
39157 God save the Queen!
39158 Send her victorious,
39159 Happy and glorious,
39160 Long to reign o'er us!
39161 God save the Queen!
39163 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39165 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39168 Our home and native land
39170 In all thy sons' command
39171 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
39172 The true north strong and free
39173 From far and wide, O Canada
39174 We stand on guard for thee
39175 God keep our land glorious and free
39176 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39177 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39179 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39181 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39183 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
39184 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
39185 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
39186 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
39187 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
39188 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
39189 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
39190 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
39192 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39196 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
39197 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
39198 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
39201 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
39203 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
39205 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
39207 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
39208 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
39209 an uncontainable experience.
39215 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
39217 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39218 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
39219 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
39220 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39222 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
39225 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
39227 poisoned coffee, n:
39228 Grounds for divorce.
39230 Poland has gun control.
39232 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
39234 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
39235 Host: About the drugs?
39237 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
39238 Police: No, the noise.
39239 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
39240 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
39241 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
39243 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
39244 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
39245 ask the host to quiet things down?
39246 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
39247 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
39248 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
39249 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
39250 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
39253 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
39257 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
39258 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
39259 -- Alfred E. Neuman
39261 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
39262 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39265 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
39266 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
39267 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
39268 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
39269 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39272 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
39273 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
39274 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
39277 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
39278 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
39279 -- Nikita Khrushchev
39281 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
39282 -- Arthur C. Clarke
39284 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
39285 been, and never will be wrong.
39288 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
39289 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
39292 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
39293 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
39297 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
39298 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
39299 -- Winston Churchill
39301 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39302 systematic organisation of hatreds.
39303 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39305 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
39306 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39308 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39309 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39310 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39312 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39313 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39316 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39317 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39318 explain why it didn't happen.
39319 -- Winston Churchill
39321 Politics, like religion, hold up the
39322 torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
39323 -- Thomas Jefferson
39325 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39329 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39330 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39333 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39334 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39339 Polymer physicists are into chains.
39342 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39343 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39346 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39347 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
39348 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
39349 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
39350 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
39352 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39353 Half a pound of treacle
39354 That's the way the chimney smokes
39357 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
39358 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
39359 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
39360 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
39361 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
39363 Populus vult decipi.
39364 [The people like to be deceived.]
39366 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
39370 Survives system reboot.
39373 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
39376 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
39377 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39379 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
39382 Post proelium, praemium.
39383 [After the battle, the reward.]
39385 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
39387 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39389 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
39390 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
39391 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
39392 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
39393 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
39395 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
39396 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
39397 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
39398 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
39399 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
39400 diets that are driving them crazy.
39402 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
39403 Except with sour cream.
39405 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39407 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
39408 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
39409 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
39410 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
39412 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
39413 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
39414 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
39415 general butter-melting by all.
39417 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
39418 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
39420 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
39423 An unfortunate state that persists as long
39424 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
39426 Poverty begins at home.
39428 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
39432 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
39433 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
39435 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
39436 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
39438 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
39440 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
39445 Power is the finest token of affection.
39447 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
39448 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
39449 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
39452 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
39454 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
39457 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
39459 Practical people would be more practical if
39460 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
39463 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
39466 Practically perfect people never permit
39467 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
39470 Practice is the best of all instructors.
39473 Practice yourself what you preach.
39474 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39477 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
39479 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
39480 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
39482 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
39486 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
39487 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
39490 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
39493 Predestination was doomed from the start.
39495 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
39499 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
39502 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
39505 Preserve the old, but know the new.
39507 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
39509 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
39511 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
39512 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
39514 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
39515 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
39516 -- The Washington Post
39518 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
39520 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
39521 It's on the other side.
39524 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
39526 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
39527 the working man, he loves to see him work.
39528 -- Winston Churchill
39530 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
39531 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
39532 -- Winston Churchill
39534 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
39535 For having it off with his Mater;
39536 Revenge Dad or not?
39537 That's the gist of the plot,
39538 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
39539 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
39541 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
39542 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
39544 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
39547 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
39548 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
39549 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
39550 badly than someone else.
39552 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
39555 Prizes are for children.
39557 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
39559 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
39561 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
39562 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
39563 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
39564 Because she's unable to postulate How.
39565 -- Frederick Winsor
39567 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
39568 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
39569 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
39570 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
39574 A man who never buys.
39576 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
39577 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
39578 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
39579 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
39580 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
39582 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
39583 encryption standard and they came up with ...
39586 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
39588 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
39589 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
39590 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
39591 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
39594 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
39595 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
39596 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
39597 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
39600 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
39601 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
39602 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
39604 Programmers do it bit by bit.
39606 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
39607 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
39608 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
39610 Programming Department:
39611 Mistakes made while you wait.
39613 Programming is an unnatural act.
39615 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
39616 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
39617 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
39622 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
39623 invading the body and taking possession of it.
39625 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
39626 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
39628 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
39629 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
39630 -- George Bernard Shaw
39632 Progress means replacing a theory that
39633 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
39635 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
39638 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
39641 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
39643 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
39645 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
39646 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
39647 level where they can't foul up operations.
39649 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
39651 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
39653 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
39654 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
39656 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
39658 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
39659 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
39660 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
39661 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
39662 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
39663 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
39665 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
39666 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
39667 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
39668 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
39669 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
39671 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
39672 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
39674 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
39676 Gesticulation (handwaving)
39678 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
39680 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
39682 Lack of a counterexample, and
39683 "It stands to reason"
39685 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
39686 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
39689 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39691 BBW Branch Both Ways
39692 BEW Branch Either Way
39693 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
39695 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
39697 BPO Branch on Power Off
39698 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
39699 CDS Condense and Destroy System
39700 CLBR Clobber Register
39701 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
39702 CM Circulate Memory
39703 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
39704 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
39705 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
39707 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39709 DC Divide and Conquer
39710 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
39711 DO Divide and Overflow
39712 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
39713 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
39714 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
39715 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
39716 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
39717 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
39718 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
39719 PBC Print and Break Chain
39722 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39725 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
39726 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
39727 RASC Read And Shred Card
39728 RPM Read Programmers Mind
39729 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
39730 RTAB Rewind tape and break
39732 RWOC Read Writing On Card
39733 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
39734 SLC Search for Lost Chord
39735 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
39736 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
39737 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
39738 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
39739 WBT Water Binary Tree
39741 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
39744 Prototype designs always work.
39748 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
39749 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
39750 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
39751 prototype is not expected to work.
39753 "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
39754 than the both put together."
39756 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
39757 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
39759 Prunes give you a run for your money.
39761 Pryor's Observation:
39762 How long you live has nothing to do
39763 with how long you are going to be dead.
39765 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
39766 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
39768 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
39770 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
39772 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
39774 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
39778 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
39780 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
39784 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
39787 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
39788 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
39789 Biologists think they're biochemists.
39790 Biochemists think they're chemists.
39791 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
39792 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
39793 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
39794 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
39795 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
39796 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
39797 Philosophers think they're gods.
39799 Psychology. Mind over matter.
39800 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
39803 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
39804 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
39807 Public use of any portable music system is a
39808 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
39811 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
39812 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39815 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39816 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39818 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39820 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39821 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39822 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39823 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39824 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39825 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39826 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39827 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39829 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
39834 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39835 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39837 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39838 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39841 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39842 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39843 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39845 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
39847 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39849 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39851 Pushing forty is exercise enough.
39853 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39854 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39855 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39856 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39859 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39860 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39862 Put another password in,
39863 Bomb it out, then try again.
39864 Try to get past logging in,
39865 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39867 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39868 This is more than just a game.
39869 It's real fun, but just the same,
39870 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39872 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39874 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39876 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39878 Put your best foot forward.
39879 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39881 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39883 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39884 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39886 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39889 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39890 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39891 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39893 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39898 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39901 Q: do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39903 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39907 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39908 A: He got re-possessed!
39910 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39911 A: With three more bullets.
39913 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39915 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39917 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39919 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39921 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39922 A: When his lips move.
39924 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39925 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39927 Q: But how did he get back down?
39928 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39930 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39933 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39934 A: Unique up on it!
39936 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39939 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39941 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39942 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39944 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39945 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39947 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39948 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
39950 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
39951 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
39952 struck by lightning first.
39954 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39955 A: Throw him a rock.
39957 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39958 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39960 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39961 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39962 a blue-elephant gun.
39964 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39965 A: Take away his credit cards.
39967 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39968 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39969 A: He changes the domain.
39971 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39972 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39974 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39975 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39977 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39978 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39979 of license fee (binary only).
39981 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39982 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39983 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39985 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39986 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39987 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39988 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39990 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39991 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39992 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39994 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39995 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39997 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39998 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
40000 Q: How long does it take?
40001 A: It's indeterminate.
40002 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
40004 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
40005 A: They replace your generator.
40007 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
40008 A: One more than you can find.
40010 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
40011 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
40013 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
40014 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
40016 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
40017 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
40019 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
40020 A: The door won't shut.
40022 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
40023 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
40025 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40026 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
40028 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
40029 A: None. The application can work around it.
40031 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40032 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
40034 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40035 A: None. The user can figure it out.
40037 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40038 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
40040 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
40041 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
40043 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
40044 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
40046 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40047 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
40048 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
40049 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
40050 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
40051 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40053 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40054 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
40055 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
40056 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
40057 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
40058 the bulb in the first place.
40060 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40061 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
40063 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40064 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
40065 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
40066 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
40067 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
40068 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
40069 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
40070 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
40071 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
40072 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
40074 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
40075 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
40076 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
40077 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
40078 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
40079 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
40080 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
40081 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
40082 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
40083 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
40084 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
40085 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
40086 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
40087 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
40088 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
40089 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
40090 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
40092 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40093 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
40094 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
40096 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
40097 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
40099 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40100 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
40102 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40103 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
40104 to the earlier joke.
40106 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
40108 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
40109 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
40110 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
40111 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
40112 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
40113 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
40114 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
40115 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
40116 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
40117 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
40118 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
40119 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
40120 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
40121 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
40122 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
40123 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
40124 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
40125 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
40127 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
40129 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
40132 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40133 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
40134 out from under him.
40136 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
40137 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
40138 to really want to change.
40140 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
40141 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
40142 the ship out of disgrace."
40144 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
40145 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
40146 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
40148 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40149 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
40150 with brightly colored machine tools.
40152 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
40154 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40157 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
40160 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
40163 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
40164 and putting wings on an elephant is?
40165 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
40167 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
40168 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
40169 bottles into the typewriter.
40171 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
40174 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
40175 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
40177 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
40179 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
40181 Q: What did the regular expression match?
40182 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
40184 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
40185 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
40186 they go down on you.
40188 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
40189 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
40191 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40192 puzzle in only 6 months?
40193 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40195 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
40196 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
40198 Q: What do monsters eat?
40201 Q: What do monsters drink?
40202 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
40204 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
40205 A: The impossible dream.
40207 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
40208 A: Rule the country.
40210 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
40211 A: The same middle name.
40213 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
40216 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
40217 A: To cover up the valve stem.
40219 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40220 puzzle in only 6 months?
40221 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40223 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
40224 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
40226 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
40227 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
40229 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
40232 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
40235 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
40236 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
40238 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
40241 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
40242 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
40244 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
40245 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
40247 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
40248 eating fruit, and singing?
40249 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
40251 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
40252 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
40254 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
40257 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
40258 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
40261 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
40262 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
40264 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
40265 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40268 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40269 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40272 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40276 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40277 A: An offer you can't understand.
40279 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40280 A: Hot cross bunnies!
40282 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40283 A: Not enough sand.
40285 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
40288 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40289 A: To keep her neck warm.
40291 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40292 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40294 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40295 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40296 a delicious dessert.
40298 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40301 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40302 A: Exploding sheep.
40304 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
40307 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40310 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40313 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
40314 A: A ball point carrot.
40316 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
40319 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40320 A: A boolean grape.
40322 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40323 A: An Abelian grape.
40325 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
40326 A: Alexander the Grape.
40328 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
40330 A: "Is there a dog?"
40332 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
40333 A: One leg is both the same.
40335 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
40336 A: Yogurt has culture.
40338 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
40339 A: Her bowling shoes.
40341 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
40342 A: I think I'm drunk.
40344 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
40345 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
40347 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
40348 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
40350 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
40353 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
40354 A: A nervous wreck.
40356 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
40357 plays like a monkey?
40360 Q: What regular expression do you often see around christmas?
40363 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
40364 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
40366 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
40367 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
40369 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
40372 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
40373 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
40374 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
40376 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
40377 A: Artificial intelligence.
40379 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
40380 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
40382 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
40385 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
40386 lawyer in the road?
40387 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
40389 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
40390 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
40392 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
40393 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
40395 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
40398 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
40401 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
40402 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
40404 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
40405 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
40407 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
40408 A: A canary with the super-user password.
40410 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
40413 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
40414 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
40416 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
40417 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
40419 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
40422 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
40423 A: Because they're worth it!
40425 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
40426 A: Because he was hungry.
40428 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
40429 A: To see what was on the other side.
40431 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
40434 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
40435 A: She opens the car door.
40437 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40438 A: He was giving it last rites.
40440 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40441 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
40443 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
40444 A: To get to the other slide.
40446 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
40447 A: To get to the other slide.
40449 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
40450 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
40452 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
40453 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
40455 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
40456 A: Because that was her name.
40458 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
40459 A: To get to the middle.
40461 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
40462 A: To stamp out forest fires.
40464 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
40465 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40467 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
40468 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
40470 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
40471 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
40473 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
40474 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
40475 Oh, right, *of course*!
40477 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
40478 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
40479 an eye on the two intellectuals.
40481 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
40482 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
40483 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
40485 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
40486 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
40488 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
40489 A: To keep their ankles warm.
40491 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
40492 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
40494 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
40495 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
40497 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
40498 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
40499 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
40500 visiting, they always take three.
40502 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
40503 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
40504 gets all the credit.
40506 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
40507 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
40508 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
40510 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
40511 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
40513 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
40514 A: All the blondes have gone home!
40516 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
40517 A: There's white-out on the screen.
40519 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
40521 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
40523 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
40524 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
40526 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
40527 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
40529 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40530 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
40531 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
40532 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
40533 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
40535 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
40539 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40542 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40543 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
40546 Q: What's a light-year?
40547 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
40549 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
40550 A: Because it was on the other side.
40552 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
40555 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40556 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
40557 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
40558 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
40559 somebody else has made the correction.
40561 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
40562 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
40563 to inform the whole net right away!
40565 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
40568 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40569 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40571 Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
40572 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
40574 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
40575 A: The Titanic had a band.
40580 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
40583 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
40586 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
40589 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
40592 All I want is more than my fair share.
40595 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
40596 have to stop and breathe."
40597 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
40600 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
40603 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
40606 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
40610 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
40614 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
40617 "Her other car is a broom."
40620 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
40624 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
40627 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
40630 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
40633 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
40636 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
40637 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
40640 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
40643 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
40646 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
40649 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
40652 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
40655 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
40656 ball in their court.
40657 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
40660 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
40664 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
40665 horse with one of the horns broken off."
40668 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
40671 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
40672 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
40675 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
40678 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
40682 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
40685 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
40688 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
40691 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
40695 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
40696 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
40699 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
40702 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
40705 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
40708 If it's too loud, you're too old.
40711 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
40714 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
40717 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
40720 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
40723 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
40726 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
40728 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
40731 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
40734 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
40737 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
40740 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
40744 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
40745 hands in his own pockets."
40748 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
40751 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
40754 "It's been Monday all week today."
40757 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
40760 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
40761 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
40764 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
40767 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
40768 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
40771 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
40772 strike. To make less money."
40775 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
40779 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
40782 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
40786 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
40793 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
40796 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
40797 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
40798 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
40799 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
40802 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
40805 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40809 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40812 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
40815 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40818 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40822 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40825 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40828 "Our parents were never our age."
40831 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40834 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40835 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40838 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
40841 "She's about as smart as bait."
40844 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
40847 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
40850 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40853 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40854 I do what I get paid to do.
40857 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40858 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40861 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40864 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40865 the snakes have gone away.
40868 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40871 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40875 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40878 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40881 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40882 think he was broken!"
40885 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40886 when I mess things up."
40889 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40890 "baring your neck."
40893 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40896 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40899 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40900 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
40903 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40907 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40910 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
40914 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
40915 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
40916 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
40919 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
40923 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
40926 Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
40930 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
40933 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40936 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40937 gerbil has more dark meat.
40943 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40944 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40946 Quality Control, n.:
40947 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40948 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40950 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40951 but its the only one we've got.
40953 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40954 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40956 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40959 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40961 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40963 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
40964 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
40965 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
40966 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
40967 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
40968 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
40969 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
40972 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40975 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40979 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40980 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40983 Ask somebody something.
40986 Man Invented Alcohol,
40987 God Invented Grass.
40990 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40993 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40995 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40997 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40999 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
41002 Whoever has any authority over you,
41003 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
41005 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
41008 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
41009 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
41016 Qvid me anxivs svm?
41018 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
41019 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
41020 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
41021 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
41022 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
41023 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
41024 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
41027 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
41030 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
41034 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
41036 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
41039 rain falls where clouds come
41040 sun shines where clouds go
41041 clouds just come and go
41042 -- Florian Gutzwiller
41044 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
41046 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
41048 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
41050 Ralph's Observation:
41051 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
41052 realise that you are in a hurry.
41054 RAM wasn't built in a day.
41057 as in number, predictable.
41058 as in memory access, unpredictable.
41060 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
41062 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
41065 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
41066 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
41067 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
41068 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
41069 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
41070 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
41071 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
41072 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
41073 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
41074 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
41075 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
41077 Ray's Rule of Precision:
41078 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
41083 And drugs cause cramp.
41084 Guns aren't lawful;
41087 You might as well live.
41088 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
41091 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
41092 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
41093 described with pictures.
41095 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
41096 And find they do not know your name.
41097 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
41098 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
41099 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
41100 And feel its chill upon your blood.
41101 Hold a candle to the night,
41102 And see the darkness bend the flame.
41103 Tear the mask of peace from God,
41104 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
41105 Pluck a rose in name of love,
41106 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
41107 Lean upon the western wind,
41108 And know you are alone.
41111 Reactor error - core dumped!
41113 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
41114 Congress. But I repeat myself.
41117 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
41119 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
41121 Reagan can't act either.
41123 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
41124 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
41125 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
41126 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41128 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
41129 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
41132 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
41133 so long they can't afford the disk space.
41135 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
41136 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
41138 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
41139 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
41140 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
41142 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
41143 could they read their mail?
41145 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
41146 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
41147 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
41149 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
41150 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
41151 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
41154 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
41155 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
41158 Real programmers don't document; if it was
41159 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
41161 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
41162 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
41165 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
41167 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
41168 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
41169 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
41170 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
41172 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
41173 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
41175 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
41176 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
41179 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
41180 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
41182 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
41184 Real programs don't eat cache.
41186 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
41187 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
41189 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
41190 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
41191 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
41193 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
41194 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
41195 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
41196 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
41197 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
41198 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
41199 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
41201 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
41202 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
41203 using an undocumented external procedure.
41206 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
41209 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
41210 afraid to break your face.
41212 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
41213 down the system for days.
41215 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
41217 Real Users know your home telephone number.
41219 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
41220 program doesn't deliver it.
41222 Real Users never use the Help key.
41224 Real wealth can only increase.
41225 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
41227 Real World, The n.:
41228 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
41229 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
41230 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
41231 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
41232 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
41233 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
41234 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
41235 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
41236 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
41239 Reality -- what a concept!
41242 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
41244 Reality does not exist - yet.
41246 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
41248 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
41250 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
41253 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
41256 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
41258 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
41260 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
41263 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
41265 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
41268 "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
41272 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
41276 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41279 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41281 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41282 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41284 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41285 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41286 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41288 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41290 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41291 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41294 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41295 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41296 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41297 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41298 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41299 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41300 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41301 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41302 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41305 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41306 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41307 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41308 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41311 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41312 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41313 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41314 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
41316 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41317 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41318 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41319 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41320 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41321 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41322 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41323 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41324 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41325 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41326 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41328 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41330 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41331 Take not a single bit!
41332 It used to point to me,
41333 Now I'm protecting it.
41334 It was the reader's CONS
41335 That made it, paired by dot;
41336 Now, GC, for the nonce,
41337 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
41339 Recursion is the root of computation
41340 since it trades description for time.
41342 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
41343 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
41345 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
41346 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
41350 Regression analysis:
41351 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
41355 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
41358 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
41361 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
41362 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
41364 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
41365 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
41366 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
41368 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
41369 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
41370 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
41372 Reliable source, n:
41373 The guy you just met.
41375 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
41378 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
41380 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
41383 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
41385 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
41386 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
41387 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
41388 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41390 "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
41394 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
41396 Remember Darwin; building a better
41397 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
41399 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
41400 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
41402 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
41404 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
41407 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
41409 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
41412 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
41413 have an established user base.
41415 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
41419 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
41420 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
41421 -- Good Morning VietNam
41423 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
41424 that you're the one holding it.
41425 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
41427 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
41428 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
41429 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
41430 Across The Eighth Dimension"
41432 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41435 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
41436 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
41437 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
41439 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
41442 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
41443 worse in Cleveland.
41444 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
41446 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
41448 Remember the... the... uhh.....
41451 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
41452 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
41453 Yea, from the table of my memory
41454 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
41455 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
41456 That youth and observation copied there.
41457 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
41459 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
41461 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
41464 Remember: use logout to logout.
41466 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
41469 Remove me from this land of slaves,
41470 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
41471 Where every knave and fool is bought,
41472 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
41475 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
41476 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
41479 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
41481 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
41484 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
41485 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
41487 Reply hazy, ask again later.
41490 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
41491 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
41494 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
41495 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
41497 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
41498 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
41501 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
41503 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41505 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
41507 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
41508 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
41509 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
41510 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
41511 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
41512 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
41513 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
41514 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
41515 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
41516 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
41518 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
41520 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
41521 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
41522 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
41524 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
41525 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
41527 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
41528 Republicans hang them on the wall.
41530 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
41531 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
41533 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
41534 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
41536 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
41537 That is why there are more Democrats.
41538 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
41541 What others are not thinking about you.
41543 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
41544 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
41545 so you're still a valiant nerd.
41547 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
41548 and think what nobody else has thought.
41550 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
41551 -- Wernher von Braun
41555 He didn't know where he was going.
41556 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
41557 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
41558 And he did it all on someone else's money.
41560 Resisting temptation is easier when you
41561 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
41564 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
41565 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
41566 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
41567 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
41568 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
41570 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
41571 actually have a shot at it.
41573 Reunite Gondwondaland!
41575 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
41577 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
41579 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
41581 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
41583 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
41587 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
41588 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
41589 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
41590 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
41592 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
41593 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
41594 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
41595 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
41597 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
41598 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
41599 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
41600 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
41603 A form of government abroad.
41606 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
41609 revolutionary, adj:
41613 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
41614 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
41615 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
41616 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
41617 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
41618 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
41619 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
41620 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
41621 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
41622 assume otherwise, maybe.
41624 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
41625 should be happier than others.
41628 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
41629 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
41630 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
41632 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
41634 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
41637 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
41638 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
41640 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
41641 "Your winnings, sir."
41642 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
41645 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
41646 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
41648 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
41651 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
41652 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
41653 rights, which they use or do not use.
41656 Ring around the collar.
41659 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
41660 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
41661 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
41664 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
41667 University administrator.
41670 Never having to say you're sorry.
41672 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
41673 Unless the results are known in advance,
41674 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
41676 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
41678 -- Edgar Friedenberg
41680 Rome was not built in one day.
41683 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
41685 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
41686 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
41687 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
41689 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
41690 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
41691 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
41692 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
41695 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
41696 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
41704 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
41705 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
41707 Round Numbers are always false.
41710 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
41712 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
41714 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
41715 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
41718 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
41719 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
41720 stay in Washington and make it there.
41722 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
41725 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
41728 Rudin's Second Law:
41729 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
41730 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
41736 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
41737 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
41738 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
41740 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
41746 The Boss is always right.
41749 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
41751 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
41752 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
41753 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
41754 shall be deemed to be a cat.
41756 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
41757 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
41758 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
41759 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
41760 regain their composure.
41762 Rule of Creative Research:
41763 1) Never draw what you can copy.
41764 2) Never copy what you can trace.
41765 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
41767 Rule of Defactualization:
41768 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
41770 Rule of Feline Frustration:
41771 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
41772 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
41775 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
41778 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
41779 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
41781 Rule the Empire through force.
41785 (1) The boss is always right.
41786 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
41788 Rules for Academic Deans:
41790 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
41791 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
41793 Rules for driving in New York:
41794 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
41795 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
41796 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
41799 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
41800 1: Don't use no double negatives.
41801 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
41802 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
41803 4: About them sentence fragments.
41804 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
41805 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
41806 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
41807 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
41808 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
41809 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
41810 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
41811 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
41812 13: Correct speling is essential.
41813 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
41814 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
41815 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
41816 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
41819 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
41820 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
41821 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
41822 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
41823 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
41824 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
41825 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
41826 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
41827 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
41828 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
41829 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
41830 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
41831 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
41832 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
41834 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
41835 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
41836 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
41837 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
41838 (4) Enjoy your food.
41839 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
41840 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
41841 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
41842 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
41843 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
41844 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
41845 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
41846 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
41847 can always eat it later.
41848 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
41849 (11) Avoid blue food.
41850 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
41852 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41856 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41858 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41859 -- John Cameron Swayze
41861 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41862 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41863 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41864 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41865 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41868 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41869 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41871 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41873 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41874 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41876 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41877 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41878 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41879 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41880 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41881 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41882 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41884 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41891 Sacher's Observation:
41892 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41894 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41897 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41899 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41900 Beating a dead horse.
41904 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41905 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41907 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41909 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41910 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41911 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41912 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41913 6. People ignore you at parties.
41914 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41915 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41917 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41919 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41920 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41921 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41922 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41923 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41924 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41925 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41927 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41928 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41929 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41930 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41931 laugh at you a great deal.
41933 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41934 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41935 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41936 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41938 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41939 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41940 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41941 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41943 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41944 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41947 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41948 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
41950 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41951 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41953 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41954 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41956 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41957 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41960 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41962 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41963 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41964 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41965 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41966 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41967 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41968 uncharted waters here.
41971 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41972 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41973 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41975 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41976 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41977 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41979 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41980 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41981 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41983 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41984 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41985 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41986 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41987 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41988 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41990 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41991 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41992 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41994 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41995 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41996 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41998 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41999 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
42000 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
42002 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
42003 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
42004 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
42006 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
42007 All: Norm! (Norman.)
42008 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
42009 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
42010 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
42012 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
42013 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
42014 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
42015 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
42017 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
42018 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
42019 Found him every couple of blocks.
42020 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
42022 Sam: What's new, Norm?
42023 Norm: Most of my wife.
42024 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
42027 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
42028 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
42030 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
42031 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
42032 to be the guinea pig.
42033 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
42036 Four million people, where you can't get a
42037 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
42039 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
42040 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
42041 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
42042 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
42043 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
42045 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
42049 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
42051 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
42053 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
42056 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
42058 Santa Claus is watching!
42060 Santa Claus wears a red suit
42063 He has long hair and a beard
42064 Must be a pacifist.
42066 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
42068 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
42069 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
42071 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
42072 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
42074 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
42076 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
42077 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
42079 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
42081 Satire is tragedy plus time.
42084 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
42086 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
42090 It works better if you plug it in.
42092 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
42093 Is like being nowhere at all,
42094 All through the day how the hours rush by,
42095 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
42096 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
42098 Satyrs have more faun.
42100 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
42102 Savage's Law of Expediency:
42103 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
42105 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
42106 surprised at how little you have.
42109 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
42112 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
42114 Save energy: be apathetic.
42116 Save gas, don't eat beans.
42118 Save gas, don't use the shell.
42122 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
42124 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
42126 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
42128 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
42129 Bust in business, lost your wife;
42130 No one cares a cent about you,
42131 You don't care a cent for life;
42132 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
42133 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
42134 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
42135 And the big blue sky.
42138 Say it with flowers,
42139 Or say it with mink,
42140 But whatever you do,
42141 Don't say it with ink!
42144 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
42145 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
42146 No justice, please, curse ye!
42147 We really want mercy:
42148 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
42149 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
42151 Say my love is easy had,
42152 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
42153 Say I am too often sad --
42154 Still behold me at your side.
42156 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
42157 Say I woo and coddle care,
42158 Say the devil touched my tongue,
42159 Still you have my heart to wear.
42161 But say my verses do not scan,
42162 And I get me another man!
42163 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
42165 Say no, then negotiate.
42168 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
42170 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
42172 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
42176 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
42177 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
42178 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
42180 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
42183 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
42184 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
42185 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
42186 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
42187 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
42188 intently watching him.
42191 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
42193 Schapiro's Explanation:
42194 The grass is always greener on the other side --
42195 but that's because they use more manure.
42197 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
42200 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
42201 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
42202 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42204 Schmidt's Observation:
42205 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
42206 than a thin person.
42209 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
42211 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42214 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
42216 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42218 Science and religion are in full accord but
42219 science and faith are in complete discord.
42221 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
42222 Frank has built and lost his creature.
42223 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
42224 The servants gone to a distant planet.
42226 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42227 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
42228 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42229 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
42231 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
42232 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
42234 -- Jules Henri Poincare
42236 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
42237 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
42238 is not necessarily science.
42239 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
42241 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
42242 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
42245 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
42247 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
42249 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
42251 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
42252 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
42253 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
42254 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
42255 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
42256 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
42257 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
42258 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
42259 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
42260 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
42261 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
42262 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
42263 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
42264 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
42265 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
42267 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
42271 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
42272 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
42273 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
42274 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42276 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42277 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42278 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42279 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42280 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42281 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42282 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42283 together. "There is now", came the reply.
42285 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42286 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42287 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42288 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42289 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42290 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42292 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42294 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42295 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
42296 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
42297 Scorpio people are murdered.
42299 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42300 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42301 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42302 to throw up. Knock it off.
42304 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42305 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42306 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42307 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42308 to win. You never learn.
42311 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42313 Scott's second Law:
42314 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42315 to have been wrong in the first place.
42318 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42319 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42321 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42322 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42323 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42324 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42325 Spock: Affirmative.
42326 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42327 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
42329 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
42330 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
42331 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42332 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
42333 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
42334 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42335 And we've also found Just flip one switch
42336 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
42337 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
42338 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
42339 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
42340 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
42341 The system is going to crash.
42342 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
42346 Roll the tapes across the floor!
42348 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
42351 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
42352 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
42354 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
42358 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
42359 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
42361 Sears has everything.
42363 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
42365 Second Law of Business Meetings:
42366 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
42367 will pick the wrong one.
42370 If there is only one way to spell a name,
42371 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
42373 Second Law of Final Exams:
42374 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
42375 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
42377 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
42379 Secretary's Revenge:
42380 Filing almost everything under "the".
42382 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
42383 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
42384 multiline message byte.
42385 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
42386 must be sent passive true.
42387 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
42388 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
42389 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
42390 (a) The LADS is active
42391 (b) Nor LACS is active"
42393 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
42394 Programmable Instrumentation
42396 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
42398 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
42399 [Who guards the Guardians?]
42401 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
42402 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
42403 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
42405 Sightlessly seeking
42406 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
42407 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
42409 "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
42411 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
42412 the second one should have seen it.
42414 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
42415 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
42416 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
42417 himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
42418 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
42419 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
42420 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
42422 Seeing is believing.
42423 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
42425 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
42428 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
42429 Will come when it will come.
42430 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
42432 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
42433 -- Alfred North Whitehead
42435 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
42436 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
42437 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
42438 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
42439 rocks. They all got out of the car:
42440 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
42441 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
42442 into town and have a specialist look at it."
42443 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
42444 in and see if it does it again."
42446 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
42447 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
42449 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
42450 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
42451 you like me to put it on your bill?"
42452 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
42454 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
42455 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
42456 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
42457 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
42458 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
42460 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
42461 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
42462 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
42463 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
42464 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
42465 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
42466 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
42467 like when God was working it alone!"
42469 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
42470 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
42472 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
42473 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
42476 "Got any bear bells?"
42478 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
42479 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
42480 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
42482 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
42483 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
42486 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
42487 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
42489 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
42490 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
42491 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
42492 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
42494 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
42495 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
42496 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
42497 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
42498 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
42499 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
42500 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
42501 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
42502 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
42503 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
42504 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
42505 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
42506 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
42507 some new underwear.
42508 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
42509 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
42510 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
42511 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
42512 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
42513 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
42515 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
42516 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
42518 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
42519 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
42521 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
42522 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
42524 Self Test for Paranoia:
42525 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
42529 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
42533 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
42535 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
42536 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
42537 material glorifying violence?"
42538 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
42539 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
42540 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
42541 not for little Johnny."
42543 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
42544 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
42547 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
42551 Send some filthy mail.
42553 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
42554 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
42557 The state of mind of elderly persons
42558 with whom one happens to disagree.
42560 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
42561 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
42562 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
42563 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
42565 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
42567 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
42571 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
42573 Serenity through viciousness.
42578 Serocki's Stricture:
42579 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
42581 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
42583 Set the cart before the horse.
42586 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
42587 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
42588 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
42589 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
42590 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
42591 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
42592 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
42593 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
42594 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
42596 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
42597 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
42598 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
42599 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
42600 like crabgrass all over the United States.
42601 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
42603 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42604 Is all my brain and body need.
42605 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42606 Are very good indeed.
42608 Take your silly ways,
42609 Throw them out the window,
42610 The wisdom of your ways,
42611 I've been there and I know,
42612 Lots of other ways...
42613 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
42615 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
42617 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
42620 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
42622 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
42623 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
42626 Sex is an emotion in motion.
42629 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
42631 -- Malcolm DacDougall
42633 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
42634 -- Garrison Keillor
42636 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
42637 it's still darn tasty!
42639 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
42642 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
42646 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
42649 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
42650 most amount of trouble.
42653 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
42654 repeated until infinity.
42655 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
42656 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
42659 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
42660 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
42663 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
42664 how children do not come into the world.
42667 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
42669 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
42670 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
42673 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
42674 pietists to oppress the human race.
42675 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
42677 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
42678 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
42679 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
42680 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
42681 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
42682 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
42683 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
42684 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
42685 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
42686 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
42688 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
42690 Shannon's Observation
42691 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
42692 that is beginning to improve.
42695 To give in, endure humiliation.
42697 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
42698 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
42699 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
42703 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
42706 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
42708 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
42710 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
42711 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
42712 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
42713 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
42715 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
42716 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
42717 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
42718 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
42720 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
42721 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
42722 I thought I'd blow her mind...
42724 She been married so many times
42725 she got rice marks all over her face.
42728 She blinded me with science!
42730 She can kill all your files;
42731 She can freeze with a frown.
42732 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
42733 And she works on her code until ten after three.
42734 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
42735 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
42737 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
42740 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
42742 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
42745 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
42748 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
42749 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
42750 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
42751 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
42752 involvement in "The Avengers".
42754 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
42757 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
42758 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
42760 She often gave herself very good advice
42761 (though she very seldom followed it).
42764 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
42765 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
42767 "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
42768 you should hear me play piano.'"
42771 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
42772 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
42773 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
42774 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
42776 She sells cshs by the cshore.
42778 She stood on the tracks
42780 Leading me to that third rail shock
42782 She changed her mind
42784 She gave me a night
42786 What will it take until I stop
42790 There's nothing else I can do
42791 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
42792 I don't want anyone new
42793 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
42794 There's nothing in it for you
42795 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
42796 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
42798 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
42799 But she's just a crumb up here
42800 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
42801 With a cauliflower ear
42802 Someday we will be married
42803 And if vegetables become too dear
42804 I'll just cut me a slice of
42805 Her cauliflower ear!
42806 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
42808 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
42809 good at being short.
42810 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
42812 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
42814 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
42816 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
42819 All trails have more uphill sections
42820 than they have downhill sections.
42822 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
42824 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
42825 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
42826 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
42827 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
42828 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
42829 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
42830 bad fiction contest.
42832 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
42833 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
42834 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
42837 She's genuinely bogus.
42839 She's learned to say things with her eyes
42840 that others waste time putting into words.
42842 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
42844 She's such a kinky girl,
42845 The kind you don't take home to mother.
42846 She will never let your spirits down
42847 Once you get her off the street.
42849 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
42852 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
42855 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
42858 Shift to the right,
42860 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
42863 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
42867 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
42869 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
42870 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
42871 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
42872 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
42875 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
42876 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
42877 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
42879 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
42880 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
42881 body join her long dead brain.
42883 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
42884 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42887 Short people get rained on last.
42889 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42892 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42893 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42896 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42897 playing golf with his boss.
42899 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42901 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42903 Showing up is 80% of life.
42906 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42909 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42910 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42913 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42915 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42916 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42919 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42921 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42923 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42925 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42927 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42928 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42930 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42931 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42935 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42938 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42940 sillema sillema nika su
42941 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42943 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42945 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42946 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42947 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42948 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42949 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42950 intersection in town. BUT!
42952 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42953 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42955 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42956 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42957 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42958 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42960 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42961 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42964 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42967 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42969 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42973 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42974 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42975 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42978 -- by Claude E. Shannon.
42980 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42986 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42988 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42989 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42990 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42993 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42994 when others believe him.
42995 -- Charles DeGaulle
42997 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42999 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
43000 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
43001 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
43003 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
43004 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
43005 burst out in laughter.
43008 Since I hurt my pendulum
43009 My life is all erratic.
43010 My parrot who was cordial
43011 Is now transmitting static.
43012 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
43013 The cat keeps doing poo.
43014 The only thing that keeps me sane
43015 Is talking to my shoe.
43018 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
43021 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
43025 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
43026 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
43028 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
43030 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
43032 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
43035 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
43036 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
43037 -- Winston Churchill
43039 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
43040 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
43041 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
43043 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
43044 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
43045 It'll cost you though".
43047 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
43048 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
43050 "An arm and a leg", said God.
43052 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
43055 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
43056 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
43057 gives us modern art.
43060 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
43061 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
43062 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
43063 should have gotten.
43065 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
43066 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
43067 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
43068 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
43069 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
43072 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
43074 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
43075 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
43077 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
43078 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
43079 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
43080 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
43081 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
43082 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
43083 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
43084 for deliverance from chains.
43085 -- Frederick Douglass
43087 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
43090 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
43092 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
43093 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
43094 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
43095 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
43096 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
43097 attracted to dark objects.
43100 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
43105 Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
43108 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
43109 it sits in the dish too long.
43110 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43112 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
43114 Small is beautiful.
43115 -- Schumacher's Dictum
43117 Small things make base men proud.
43118 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43120 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
43121 teacher was in my class for five years.
43124 Smear the road with a runner!!
43126 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
43128 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
43130 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
43133 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
43134 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
43135 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
43136 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
43137 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
43138 filed 30 days in advance.
43140 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
43143 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
43145 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
43146 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
43149 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
43150 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
43152 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43154 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
43157 What you'd say if you had another chance.
43159 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
43161 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
43162 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
43164 Snow Day -- stay home.
43166 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
43167 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
43168 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
43169 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
43170 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
43171 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
43173 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
43174 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
43175 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
43176 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
43178 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
43179 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
43180 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
43181 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
43182 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
43183 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
43184 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
43187 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
43190 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
43191 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
43192 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
43193 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
43194 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
43195 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
43196 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
43197 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
43198 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
43200 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
43201 praise of intelligence.
43202 -- Bertrand Russell
43204 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
43205 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
43206 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
43207 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
43209 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
43210 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
43211 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
43212 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
43213 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
43214 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
43215 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
43216 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
43217 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
43219 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
43221 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
43222 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
43224 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
43227 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
43228 large as it needs to be?
43230 So little time, so little to do.
43233 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
43234 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
43236 So many beautiful women and so little time.
43239 So many men and so little time.
43241 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
43242 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
43244 So many women, and so little time!
43246 So many women, so little nerve.
43248 So much food, and so little time!
43264 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
43287 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
43288 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
43289 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
43291 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
43292 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
43293 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
43294 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
43295 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
43296 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
43300 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
43301 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
43302 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
43304 So... so you think you can tell
43306 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43307 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43308 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43309 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43310 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43312 A walk on part in a war
43313 For the lead role in a cage?
43314 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43316 So this is it. We're going to die.
43318 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
43319 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
43321 So, you better watch out!
43322 You better not cry!
43323 You better not pout!
43324 I'm telling you why,
43325 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
43327 He knows when you've been sleeping,
43328 He know when you're awake.
43329 He knows if you've been bad or good,
43330 He has ties with the CIA.
43333 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
43334 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
43335 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
43337 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
43338 -- Dating in Minnesota
43340 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
43341 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
43342 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
43343 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
43344 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
43345 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
43346 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
43348 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
43349 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
43352 So you're back... about time...
43354 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
43355 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
43359 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
43362 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
43364 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
43366 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
43367 The government sells it.
43369 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
43371 The government shoots one cow,
43372 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
43374 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
43376 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
43379 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
43383 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
43385 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
43386 like a staff function."
43389 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
43390 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
43391 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
43392 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
43394 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
43395 Are practically zero,
43396 But those who wish to be civilians,
43397 They run into the millions.
43399 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
43402 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
43403 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
43406 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
43407 and some few to be chewed and digested.
43409 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
43411 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
43412 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
43414 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
43415 as when you find a trout in the milk.
43418 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
43420 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
43422 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
43424 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
43427 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
43431 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
43432 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
43433 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
43435 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
43437 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
43438 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
43441 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
43442 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
43444 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
43447 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
43448 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
43451 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
43452 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
43455 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
43458 Some men who fear that they are playing
43459 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
43461 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
43462 The answer is: I don't know.
43463 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
43465 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
43466 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
43467 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
43468 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
43469 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
43470 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
43471 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
43472 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
43474 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
43475 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
43476 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
43477 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
43478 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
43479 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
43480 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
43481 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
43482 he received, shame and wounds."
43484 Some of the things that live the longest
43485 in peoples' memories never really happened.
43487 Some of them want to use you,
43488 Some of them want to be used by you,
43489 ...Everybody's looking for something.
43492 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
43495 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
43496 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
43497 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
43498 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
43499 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
43500 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
43501 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
43502 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
43503 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
43504 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
43505 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
43507 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43509 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
43510 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
43512 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
43515 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
43516 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
43517 two-dimensional ones.
43518 -- F. Frederick Skitty
43520 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
43522 Some people cause happiness wherever
43523 they go; others, whenever they go.
43525 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
43526 but at least you only have to climb it once.
43528 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
43529 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
43531 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
43533 Some people have parts that are so private
43534 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
43536 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
43539 Some people live life in the fast lane.
43540 You're in oncoming traffic.
43542 Some people manage by the book, even though they
43543 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
43545 Some people need a good imaginary cure
43546 for their painful imaginary ailment.
43548 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
43550 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
43552 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
43553 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
43556 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
43557 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
43559 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
43560 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
43564 Some points to remember [about animals]:
43566 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
43568 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
43569 front of your clothes;
43570 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
43571 you have just kicked.
43572 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43574 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
43575 And tasted it, and found it good.
43576 And that is why your Cousin May
43577 Fell through the parlor floor today.
43580 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
43582 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43584 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
43586 Some say the world will end in fire,
43588 From what I've tasted of desire
43589 I hold with those who favor fire.
43590 But if it had to perish twice
43591 I think I know enough of hate
43592 To say that for destruction, ice
43595 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
43597 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
43600 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
43602 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
43605 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
43606 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
43608 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
43609 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
43610 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
43611 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
43613 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
43614 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
43615 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
43616 That don't smell very nice --
43617 He's nobody's moggy now.
43619 Oh you who love your pussy,
43620 Be sure to keep him in.
43621 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
43622 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
43623 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
43624 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
43625 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
43626 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
43627 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
43628 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
43629 Just red and squashed and soggy --
43630 He's nobody's moggy now.
43631 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
43633 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
43634 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
43636 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
43637 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
43639 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
43640 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
43641 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
43644 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
43647 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
43649 Someday your prints will come.
43652 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
43653 when I was passing through satisfaction.
43654 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
43656 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
43658 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
43659 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
43660 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
43663 Someone is speaking well of you.
43666 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
43668 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
43670 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
43672 Something better...
43674 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
43675 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
43676 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
43677 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
43678 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
43679 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
43681 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
43683 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
43684 mind putting that thing away.
43685 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
43686 It's what's in it that matters.
43687 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
43689 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
43690 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
43692 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
43693 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
43695 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
43696 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43698 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
43701 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
43702 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
43705 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
43708 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
43709 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
43712 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
43713 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
43714 -- Richard M. Nixon
43716 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
43719 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
43720 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
43721 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
43722 Either light up or leave me alone.
43724 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
43725 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
43729 Sometimes I live in the country,
43730 And sometimes I live in town.
43731 And sometimes I have a great notion,
43732 To jump in the river and drown.
43734 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
43735 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
43737 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
43738 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
43739 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
43741 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
43744 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
43747 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
43749 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
43750 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
43751 me because I am beautiful.
43752 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
43754 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
43756 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
43757 Other times I can hardly see.
43758 Lately it occurs to me
43759 What a long strange trip it's been.
43760 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
43762 Sometimes, too long is too long.
43765 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
43766 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
43767 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
43768 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
43771 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
43772 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
43775 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
43779 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
43781 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
43783 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
43784 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
43787 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
43790 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
43791 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
43792 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
43793 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
43794 -- Sky Masterson's Father
43796 Song Title of the Week:
43797 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
43800 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
43801 paid may disregard this fortune).
43803 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
43807 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
43809 Sorry, no fortune this time.
43811 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
43812 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
43813 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
43814 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
43816 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
43819 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
43822 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
43823 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
43824 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
43825 -- Captain James T. Kirk
43828 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
43829 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43831 "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
43834 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
43835 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
43836 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
43839 Speak roughly to your little boy,
43840 And beat him when he sneezes:
43841 He only does it to annoy
43842 Because he knows it teases.
43846 I speak severely to my boy,
43847 And beat him when he sneezes:
43848 For he can thoroughly enjoy
43849 The pepper when he pleases!
43852 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
43854 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
43855 And boot it when it crashes;
43856 It knows that one cannot relax
43857 Because the paging thrashes!
43861 I speak severely to my VAX,
43862 And boot it when it crashes;
43863 In spite of all my favorite hacks
43864 My jobs it always thrashes!
43868 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
43870 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
43873 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
43874 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
43875 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
43876 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
43877 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
43878 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
43879 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
43880 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
43881 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
43882 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
43883 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
43884 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
43885 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
43886 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
43887 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
43888 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
43889 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
43890 syllable is thine!"
43891 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
43893 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
43894 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
43895 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
43896 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
43897 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
43898 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
43899 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
43900 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
43901 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43903 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43905 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43906 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43907 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43908 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43909 Helpless users with projects due
43910 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43912 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43913 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43915 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43916 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43919 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43920 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43921 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43922 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43923 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43924 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43925 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43926 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43928 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43929 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43931 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43932 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43933 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43934 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43935 Faculty members especially welcome.
43937 "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
43939 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43940 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43941 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43942 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43944 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43945 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43946 number of times you have looked at it.
43948 Spelling is a lossed art.
43950 Spence's Admonition:
43951 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43953 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43959 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43961 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
43963 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43964 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43966 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43969 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43970 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43972 Spring is here, spring is here,
43973 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43976 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43977 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43979 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43981 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43982 who through strategy and stealth
43983 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43984 Here's a toasting to his health --
43985 but not too many toastings
43986 lest you lose yourself and then
43987 forget the good St. Patrick
43988 and see all those snakes again.
43990 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43992 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43994 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43995 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43996 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43997 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43998 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43999 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
44000 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
44001 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
44002 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
44003 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
44004 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
44005 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
44006 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
44007 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
44008 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
44009 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
44010 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
44011 All it said was: "Write two letters."
44013 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
44015 Stamp out philately.
44018 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
44020 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
44021 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
44022 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
44025 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
44027 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
44028 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
44030 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
44031 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
44032 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
44033 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
44036 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
44039 Start the day with a smile.
44040 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
44042 State license plates we'd like to see:
44044 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
44046 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
44050 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
44052 State license plates we'd like to see:
44056 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
44058 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
44060 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
44064 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
44066 State license plates we'd like to see:
44068 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
44069 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
44070 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
44072 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
44074 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
44076 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
44077 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
44078 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
44082 A system for expressing your political
44083 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
44085 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
44088 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
44090 Stay away from flying saucers today.
44092 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
44096 Stay together, drag each other down.
44098 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
44099 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
44100 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
44102 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
44103 Though we really did try to make it,
44104 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
44106 It used to be so easy living here with you,
44107 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
44108 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
44110 There'll be good times again for me and you,
44111 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
44112 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
44114 But it's too late baby...
44115 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
44116 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
44118 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
44119 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
44120 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
44121 its rate is a matter of discretion.
44122 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
44124 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
44126 Steckel's Rule to Success:
44127 Good enough is never good enough.
44129 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
44130 Everybody should believe in something --
44131 I believe I'll have another drink.
44133 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
44134 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
44137 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
44138 Embezzlement is another matter.
44141 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
44143 Step back, unbelievers!
44144 Or the rain will never come.
44145 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
44146 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
44147 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
44148 you folks are gonna see some rain!
44150 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
44151 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
44152 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
44153 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
44154 very little call for those up there.
44155 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
44157 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
44158 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
44160 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
44161 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
44163 Stock's Observation:
44164 You no sooner get your head above water
44165 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
44168 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
44170 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
44171 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
44172 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
44173 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
44174 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
44175 on the credulity of human nature.
44177 Stop me, before I kill again!
44179 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
44180 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
44182 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
44184 Strange things are done to be number one
44185 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
44186 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
44187 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
44188 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
44189 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
44190 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
44191 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
44192 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
44193 Would ship for Celtic gold.
44194 The movers came to crate the frame;
44195 It weighed a million ton!
44196 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
44197 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
44198 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
44199 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
44200 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
44201 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
44202 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
44203 Because they couldn't deliver.
44204 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
44207 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
44210 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
44211 after those creating it have left the organization.
44213 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
44215 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
44216 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
44217 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
44218 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
44219 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
44220 and have a nice day.
44222 Strive to the pass of high mountain
44223 Cross in the shallow side of the wide ocean
44224 Do not give up because of distance
44225 Will certainly reach if walks
44226 Do not discourage of human
44227 Shall overcome if you try
44228 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
44230 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
44231 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
44232 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
44233 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44236 Our problems are mostly behind us.
44237 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
44240 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
44242 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
44244 Stupidity is its own reward.
44247 90% of everything is crud.
44249 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
44251 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
44252 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
44254 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
44255 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
44258 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
44259 way before it is understood.
44261 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
44262 the streets after them.
44265 Success is a journey, not a destination.
44267 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
44269 Success is in the minds of Fools.
44270 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
44272 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
44274 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
44276 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
44278 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
44279 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44281 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
44283 Such a fine first dream!
44284 But they laughed at me; they said
44287 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
44288 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
44290 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
44291 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
44292 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
44294 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
44295 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
44297 Sudden Death Dating:
44300 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
44301 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
44303 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
44304 without his duck ...
44306 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
44307 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
44308 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
44309 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
44310 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
44312 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
44314 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
44316 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
44321 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
44322 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
44323 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
44326 The Network IS the Load Average.
44328 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
44330 To code the impossible code,
44331 To bring up a virgin machine,
44332 To pop out of endless recursion,
44333 To grok what appears on the screen,
44335 To right the unrightable bug,
44336 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
44337 To mount the unmountable magtape,
44338 To stop the unstoppable crash!
44341 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
44342 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
44343 progressively reducing solar elevation.
44345 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
44346 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
44349 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
44350 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
44351 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
44352 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
44354 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
44355 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
44357 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
44359 -- Overheard at a supervision.
44361 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
44363 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
44365 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
44367 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
44368 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
44370 Support the Girl Scouts!
44371 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
44373 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
44374 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
44375 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
44377 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
44379 Support your local church or synagogue.
44380 Worship at Bank of America.
44382 Support your local police force -- steal!!
44384 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
44386 Support your right to arm bears!!
44388 Support your right to bare arms!
44389 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
44391 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
44392 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
44393 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
44394 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
44395 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
44396 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
44397 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
44399 -- Christopher Evans
44401 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
44403 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
44404 But what if he forgets?
44406 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
44407 men in national government too.
44408 -- Richard M. Nixon
44410 "Surely you can't be serious."
44411 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
44413 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
44415 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
44416 Just type in your name and social security number.
44417 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
44423 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
44425 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
44428 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
44429 strapped on with electrical tape.
44432 The way of the tuna.
44434 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
44435 -- William Shakespeare
44438 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
44442 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
44445 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
44448 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
44450 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
44453 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
44454 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
44456 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
44457 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
44458 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
44460 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
44462 Swipple's Rule of Order:
44463 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
44465 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
44466 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
44469 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
44470 unusually pale and clear.
44471 Problem: Glass empty.
44472 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44474 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
44475 and the front of your shirt is wet.
44476 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
44477 wrong part of face.
44478 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
44479 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
44481 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44483 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
44484 Fault: The Bar is closing.
44485 Action Required: Panic.
44487 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
44488 You cannot see the bathroom light.
44489 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
44490 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
44491 treat yourself to a lie-in.
44493 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44495 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
44496 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
44497 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
44500 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
44501 Fault: Improper bladder control.
44502 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
44503 to the owner about its lack of house training and
44504 demand a beer as compensation.
44506 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44508 Symptom: Floor blurred.
44509 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
44510 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44512 Symptom: Floor moving.
44513 Fault: You are being carried out.
44514 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
44515 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
44517 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44519 Symptom: Floor swaying.
44520 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
44522 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
44524 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
44525 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
44526 Fault: You have fallen forward.
44527 Action Required: See above.
44529 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
44530 flourescent light strips.
44531 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
44532 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
44533 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
44534 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
44536 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44538 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
44539 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44541 System checkpoint complete.
44543 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
44545 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
44547 System going down in 5 minutes.
44549 System restarting, wait...
44551 System/3! System/3!
44552 See how it runs! See how it runs!
44553 Its monitor loses so totally!
44554 It runs all its programs in RPG!
44555 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
44558 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
44559 Works equally poorly on all systems.
44561 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
44562 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
44563 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44565 Systems programmer:
44566 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
44567 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
44568 are to receive from your boss.
44570 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
44573 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
44574 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
44575 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
44576 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
44577 -- The Roguelet's ABC
44580 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
44582 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
44585 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
44588 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
44589 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
44591 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
44594 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
44596 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
44597 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
44599 Take an astronaut to launch.
44601 Take care of the luxuries and the
44602 necessities will take care of themselves.
44605 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
44606 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
44608 Take everything in stride.
44609 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
44611 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
44612 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
44614 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
44616 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
44618 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
44623 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
44624 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
44627 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
44628 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
44629 have given them to you.
44631 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
44634 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
44635 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
44636 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
44637 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
44639 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
44641 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
44642 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
44643 -- Booth Tarkington
44645 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
44646 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
44649 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
44651 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
44654 Talkers are no good doers.
44655 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44657 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
44660 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
44661 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44663 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
44664 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
44665 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
44667 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
44668 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
44669 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
44670 It's hanging there on the shed.
44672 All together now...
44673 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44674 Tie me kangaroo down.
44675 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44676 Tie me kangaroo down.
44678 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
44679 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
44682 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
44683 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
44684 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
44685 headed. You are a Communist.
44687 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
44688 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
44689 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
44690 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
44692 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
44693 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
44694 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
44695 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
44700 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
44701 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
44704 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
44707 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
44710 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
44713 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
44715 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
44716 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
44717 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
44719 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
44722 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
44723 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
44725 Teachers have class.
44728 Having someone to blame.
44730 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
44732 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
44733 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
44734 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
44735 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
44736 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
44737 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
44738 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
44739 being only an inference.
44740 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44742 Teeth for meat is in mouth
44743 Teeth for human is in soul.
44744 Win one with your body strength
44745 Win many with your mind strength
44746 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
44748 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
44749 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
44750 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
44751 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
44752 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
44753 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
44754 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
44755 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
44756 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
44757 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
44758 a moment and then log off.
44760 Technological progress has merely provided us
44761 with more efficient means for going backwards.
44764 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
44765 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
44767 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
44768 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
44769 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
44770 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
44774 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
44775 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
44779 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
44780 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
44781 burden on the directory assistant.
44782 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
44784 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
44787 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
44790 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
44791 -- Alfred Hitchcock
44793 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
44797 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
44798 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
44800 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
44801 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
44804 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
44805 rather than each other.
44807 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
44808 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
44809 to touch to be sure.
44811 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
44812 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
44813 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
44814 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
44817 Tell me what to think!!!
44819 Tell me why the stars do shine,
44820 Tell me why the ivy twines,
44821 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
44822 And I will tell you just why I love you.
44824 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
44825 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
44826 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
44827 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
44829 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
44830 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
44833 Tempt me with a spoon!
44835 Tempt not a desperate man.
44836 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
44838 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
44839 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
44840 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
44841 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
44842 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
44843 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
44844 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
44845 and handed the others to Dutsky.
44846 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
44848 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
44851 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
44852 way of telling you to stop writing.
44855 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
44856 You eat your victuals fast enough;
44857 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
44858 To see the rate you drink your beer.
44859 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
44860 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
44861 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
44862 It sleeps well the horned head:
44863 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
44864 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
44865 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
44866 Your friends to death before their time.
44867 Moping, melancholy mad:
44868 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
44871 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
44872 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
44875 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
44876 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
44877 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
44878 to risk offending God's grandmother.
44879 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
44881 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
44882 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
44883 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
44884 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
44885 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
44886 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
44887 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
44888 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
44889 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
44890 contemptuously rejected it.
44891 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
44892 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
44896 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
44897 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
44898 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
44899 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
44900 the solution will turn blue-green.
44902 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
44903 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44905 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44910 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44911 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44912 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44915 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44916 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44917 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44918 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44919 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44920 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44921 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44922 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44923 called you from here."
44925 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44928 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44930 "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44931 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
44932 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
44934 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44937 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44938 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44940 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44942 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44943 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44945 "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
44948 That does not compute.
44950 That feeling just came over me.
44951 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44953 That government is best which governs least.
44954 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44956 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44957 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44958 in the same way as us.
44959 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44967 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44970 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44972 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44973 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44974 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44977 That, that is not, is not.
44978 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44979 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44981 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44982 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44983 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44984 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44985 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44986 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44987 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44989 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44991 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44994 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44995 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44996 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44999 That's always the way when you discover
45000 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
45006 How much does it cost?
45008 I only have a dollar.
45011 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
45012 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
45013 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
45014 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
45015 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
45017 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
45018 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
45019 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
45024 That's odd. That's very odd.
45025 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
45027 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
45030 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
45031 -- Woody Allen, on sex
45033 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
45034 really hate is lousy programmers.
45035 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
45037 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
45038 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
45041 That's what she said.
45043 That's where the money was.
45044 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
45046 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
45049 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
45050 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
45051 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
45052 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
45055 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
45058 The 357.73 Theory --
45059 Auditors always reject expense accounts
45060 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
45062 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
45064 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
45065 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
45066 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
45068 The Abrams' Principle:
45069 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
45071 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
45074 The absent ones are always at fault.
45076 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
45079 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
45080 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
45082 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
45085 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
45086 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
45087 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
45088 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
45089 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
45090 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
45092 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
45093 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
45094 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
45096 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
45097 -- Thomas Jefferson
45099 The Advertising Agency Song:
45101 When your client's hopping mad,
45102 Put his picture in the ad.
45103 If he still should prove refractory,
45104 Add a picture of his factory.
45106 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
45107 he is already degraded.
45110 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
45111 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
45114 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
45115 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
45117 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
45118 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
45121 "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
45123 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
45125 The all-softening overpowering knell,
45126 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
45129 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
45130 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
45131 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
45133 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
45134 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
45138 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
45139 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
45140 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
45142 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
45143 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
45144 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
45147 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
45148 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
45150 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
45153 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
45154 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
45155 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
45157 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
45158 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
45159 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
45160 even better, nobody has to play it.
45161 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45163 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
45164 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
45166 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
45168 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
45171 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
45172 with which you can threaten your enemies.
45175 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
45176 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
45177 --Salvador De Madariaga
45179 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
45180 -- Albertano of Brescia
45182 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
45183 doctors nor lawyers.
45186 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
45187 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
45188 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
45189 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
45190 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
45191 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
45192 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
45193 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
45194 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
45195 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
45196 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
45197 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
45198 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
45199 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
45200 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
45201 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
45202 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
45203 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
45204 And dare not stray to ideas new,
45205 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
45206 And for a living what woulds't we do?
45208 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
45209 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
45210 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
45211 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
45212 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
45213 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
45214 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
45215 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
45216 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
45217 fire-fighting aircraft.
45219 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
45221 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
45223 Four day work week,
45224 Two ply toilet paper!
45226 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
45227 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
45228 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
45230 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
45231 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
45232 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
45233 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
45234 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
45235 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
45236 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
45239 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
45240 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
45241 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
45242 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
45243 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
45245 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
45246 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
45247 and color, but also on ability.
45250 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
45253 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
45254 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
45255 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
45258 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
45259 Jupiter can have no satellites:
45261 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
45262 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
45263 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
45264 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
45265 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
45266 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
45267 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
45268 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
45269 and therefore do not exist.
45271 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
45273 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
45274 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
45275 -- Ladies' Home Journal
45277 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
45278 the morning feeling just terrible.
45281 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
45283 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
45284 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
45286 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
45288 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
45289 one graveyard to another.
45290 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
45292 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
45293 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
45294 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
45298 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
45299 average man can see better than he can think.
45301 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
45302 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
45303 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
45305 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
45306 carries any reward.
45307 -- John Maynard Keynes
45309 "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
45310 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
45312 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
45314 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
45315 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
45316 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
45317 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
45318 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
45320 The bank sent our statement this morning,
45321 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
45322 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
45323 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
45325 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
45326 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
45327 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
45328 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
45329 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
45330 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
45331 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
45332 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
45333 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
45334 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
45335 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
45336 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
45338 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
45340 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
45341 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
45342 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
45343 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
45344 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
45345 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
45346 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
45347 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
45348 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
45349 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
45350 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
45351 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
45352 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
45354 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
45355 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
45356 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
45357 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
45358 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
45359 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
45362 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
45364 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
45365 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
45367 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
45368 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
45371 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
45374 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
45375 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
45377 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
45378 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
45379 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
45380 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
45381 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
45382 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
45384 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
45386 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
45389 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
45391 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
45395 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
45398 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
45399 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
45400 by judging things by their price.
45402 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
45403 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
45404 them while they do it.
45405 -- Theodore Roosevelt
45407 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
45409 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
45412 The best man for the job is often a woman.
45414 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
45416 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
45418 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
45419 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
45422 The best prophet of the future is the past.
45424 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
45425 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
45427 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
45428 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
45429 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
45430 being read by a corpse.
45432 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
45433 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
45434 drifting side by side to our common doom.
45437 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
45438 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
45440 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
45442 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
45444 The best things in life are for a fee.
45446 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
45448 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
45450 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
45452 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
45454 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
45456 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
45460 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
45461 smoke is a right worth dying for.
45463 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
45464 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
45465 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
45466 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
45467 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
45468 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
45469 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
45471 The best you get is an even break.
45474 The better part of valor is discretion.
45475 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
45477 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
45478 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
45481 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
45482 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
45483 It's just that they need more supervision.
45485 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
45486 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
45489 The Bible on letters of reference:
45491 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
45492 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
45493 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
45494 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
45495 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
45497 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
45500 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
45501 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
45502 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
45503 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
45506 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
45507 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
45508 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
45509 hungry all the time?
45511 The bigger the theory the better.
45513 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
45515 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
45518 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
45519 working for someone else.
45521 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
45524 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
45525 and the bird is on the wing.
45528 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
45529 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
45530 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
45531 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
45532 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
45533 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
45534 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
45535 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
45537 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
45539 The bogosity meter just pegged.
45541 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
45542 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
45544 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
45545 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
45547 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
45548 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
45549 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
45550 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
45551 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
45552 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
45553 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
45554 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45556 The boy stood on the burning deck,
45557 Eating peanuts by the peck.
45558 His father called him, but he could not go,
45559 For he loved those peanuts so.
45561 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
45562 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
45564 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
45565 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
45566 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
45567 one, and convert to the next higher units.
45569 The British are coming! The British are coming!
45571 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
45572 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
45573 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45575 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
45576 and humiliating reality.
45579 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
45580 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
45581 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
45582 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
45583 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45585 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
45586 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
45587 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
45590 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
45591 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
45594 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
45595 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
45596 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
45597 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
45600 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
45601 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
45602 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
45603 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
45605 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
45606 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
45607 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
45608 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
45609 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
45611 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
45614 "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
45615 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
45617 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
45618 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
45621 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
45622 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
45623 time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
45624 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
45626 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45628 The camel has a single hump;
45630 Or else the other way around.
45631 I'm never sure. Are you?
45634 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
45635 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
45636 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
45637 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
45640 The carbonyl is polarized,
45641 The delta end is plus.
45642 The nucleophile will thus attack,
45643 The carbon nucleus.
45644 Addition makes an alcohol,
45645 Of types there are but three.
45646 It makes a bond, to correspond,
45647 From C to shining C.
45648 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
45650 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
45651 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
45653 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
45655 "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
45658 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
45662 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
45663 at the steam fitters picnic.
45665 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
45668 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
45671 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
45674 The church is near but the road is icy,
45675 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
45678 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
45681 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
45682 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
45683 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
45685 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
45687 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
45690 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
45691 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
45692 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
45693 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
45694 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
45695 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
45696 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
45698 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
45700 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
45701 is when he fills out a job application form.
45702 -- Stanley J. Randall
45704 The clothes have no emperor.
45705 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
45707 The coast was clear.
45710 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
45711 intellectual nakedness.
45712 -- Robert M. Hutchins
45714 The Commandments of the EE:
45716 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
45717 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45718 embarrassing manner.
45719 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
45720 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
45721 earthly vale of tears.
45722 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
45723 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
45724 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
45726 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
45727 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
45730 The Commandments of the EE:
45732 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
45733 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
45734 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
45735 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
45736 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
45737 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
45738 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
45739 the fury of the engineers on his head.
45740 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
45741 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
45742 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
45743 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
45744 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
45745 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
45746 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
45748 The Commandments of the EE:
45750 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
45751 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
45752 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
45753 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
45754 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
45755 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
45756 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
45757 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
45758 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
45759 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
45760 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
45761 innocent-seeming device.
45763 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
45765 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
45767 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
45768 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
45769 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
45773 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
45774 central power station is to the electrical industry.
45777 "The Computer made me do it."
45779 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
45782 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
45783 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
45785 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
45787 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
45789 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
45790 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
45791 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
45793 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
45795 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
45796 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
45797 every bird watcher in the country.
45798 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
45800 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
45801 than what we've got!
45803 The Consultant's Curse:
45804 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
45805 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
45806 medicine, and is normally only required once.
45808 The control of the production of wealth
45809 is the control of human life itself.
45812 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
45813 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
45814 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
45815 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
45817 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
45819 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
45821 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
45824 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
45826 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
45828 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
45829 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
45830 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
45831 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
45833 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45835 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
45838 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
45839 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
45840 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
45841 cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
45842 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
45845 The covers of this book are too far apart.
45846 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
45848 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
45851 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
45853 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
45855 The Crown is full of it!
45856 -- Nate Harris, 1775
45858 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
45859 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
45860 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
45861 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
45862 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
45863 of all our rights and privileges.
45864 -- William Ellery Channing
45867 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
45868 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
45871 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
45874 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
45875 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
45877 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
45878 Every class is unfit to govern.
45881 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
45882 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
45883 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
45884 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
45885 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
45886 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
45887 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
45888 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
45889 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
45891 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
45892 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
45893 -- Henry David Thoreau
45895 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
45897 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
45898 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
45899 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
45900 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
45901 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
45902 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
45903 -- Thomas Jefferson
45905 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
45907 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
45910 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
45911 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
45912 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
45914 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45916 "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45917 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45918 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
45919 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45921 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45923 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45924 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45926 The degree of civilization in a society
45927 can be judged by entering its prisons.
45930 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45931 proportional to the level of management.
45933 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45934 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45935 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45937 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45938 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45939 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45940 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45941 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45942 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45944 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45945 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45946 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45948 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
45949 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45950 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45951 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45952 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45953 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45954 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45955 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45957 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45960 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45961 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45963 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45965 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45968 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45970 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45972 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45974 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45975 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45978 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45979 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45980 it would be a calamity.
45981 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45983 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45984 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45986 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45987 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45988 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45990 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45991 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45992 is thinking that they're conspiring.
45995 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45996 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45998 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
46000 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
46001 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
46003 The difference between reality and unreality
46004 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
46007 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
46008 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
46011 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
46012 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
46013 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
46014 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
46015 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
46017 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
46018 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
46019 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
46021 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
46023 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
46024 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
46027 The difference between this place and yogurt
46028 is that yogurt has a live culture.
46030 The difference between us is not very far,
46031 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
46033 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
46036 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
46038 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
46039 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
46040 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
46043 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
46045 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
46047 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
46048 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
46051 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
46052 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
46054 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
46055 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
46056 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
46057 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
46058 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
46059 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
46060 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
46061 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
46062 Jews won't go near them ..."
46063 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
46065 The distinction between true and false appears to become
46066 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
46069 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
46070 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
46072 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
46073 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
46074 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
46077 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
46078 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
46079 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
46081 The door is the key.
46083 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
46084 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
46085 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
46086 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
46088 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
46089 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
46091 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
46095 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
46097 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
46099 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
46100 and owns the worm farm.
46103 The early worm gets the bird.
46105 The early worm gets the late bird.
46107 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
46109 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
46112 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
46113 teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
46115 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
46116 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
46117 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
46118 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
46119 valuable posession to him."
46121 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
46122 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
46123 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
46124 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
46125 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
46126 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
46127 would tire of the spectacle eventually."
46130 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
46131 weather forecasters.
46132 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
46134 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
46135 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
46138 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
46140 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
46141 Compute' -- I forget which."
46142 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
46144 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
46145 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
46146 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
46147 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
46148 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
46149 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
46150 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
46151 over the post of robotics correspondent.
46152 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
46153 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
46154 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
46155 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
46156 wall when the revolution came'.
46158 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
46159 -- Buckminster Fuller
46161 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
46163 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
46165 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46167 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
46168 symposium to follow.
46170 The ends justify the means.
46171 -- after Matthew Prior
46173 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
46174 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
46175 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
46176 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
46179 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
46180 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
46181 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
46183 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
46184 their children to speak it.
46185 -- George Bernard Shaw
46187 The English instinctively admire any man
46188 who has no talent and is modest about it.
46189 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
46191 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
46192 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
46193 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
46194 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
46195 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
46196 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
46197 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
46198 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
46200 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
46201 "What kind of family do you come from?"
46202 "A rich, Jewish family."
46204 "A German aristocrat."
46205 "Have you ever been to the West?"
46206 "I spent most of my life in England."
46207 "How did you make a living there?"
46208 "A friend supported me."
46209 "Where did you get the money from?"
46210 "He owned a textile factory."
46212 "Never heard of him."
46213 "What is your name?"
46216 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
46217 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
46218 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
46219 presidential aspirant.
46221 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
46222 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
46223 a substitute for intelligence.
46226 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
46229 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
46232 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
46233 is the most likely to be correct.
46234 -- William of Occam
46236 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
46237 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
46238 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
46239 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
46240 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
46241 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
46242 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
46243 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
46244 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
46247 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
46249 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46250 All the livelong day;
46251 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46252 You cannot get away;
46253 Do not think you can escape them
46254 From night 'til early in the morn;
46255 The eyes of Texas are upon you
46256 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
46257 -- University of Texas' school song
46259 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
46260 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
46261 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
46262 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
46264 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
46265 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
46268 The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
46269 in general as no other can.
46272 The fact that it works is immaterial.
46275 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
46276 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
46280 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
46282 The farther you go, the less you know.
46283 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
46285 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
46286 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
46288 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
46289 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
46290 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
46291 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
46292 so long as they are Tories.
46293 -- Christopher Booker
46295 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
46298 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
46299 -- The Grateful Dead
46301 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
46302 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
46304 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
46305 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
46306 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
46307 of their own homes.
46308 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
46313 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
46314 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
46315 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46317 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
46318 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
46319 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
46320 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
46322 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
46323 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
46325 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
46326 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
46327 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
46328 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
46329 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
46330 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
46331 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
46332 for them to despise science fiction.
46333 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
46335 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
46336 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
46337 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
46338 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
46339 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
46340 center at Notre Dame."
46341 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
46344 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
46345 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
46346 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
46347 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
46348 and become lesbians."
46350 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
46351 (1) write down the problem.
46352 (2) think very hard.
46353 (3) write down the answer.
46354 -- Murray Gell-Mann
46357 You have taken yourself too seriously.
46359 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
46360 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
46362 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
46364 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
46366 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
46367 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
46369 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
46371 -- John Quincy Adams
46373 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
46374 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
46375 to man are contained in it.
46378 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
46379 life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
46380 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
46383 The First Commandment for Technicians:
46384 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
46385 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46386 untechnician-like manner.
46388 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
46391 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
46392 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
46393 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
46394 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
46395 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
46396 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
46397 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
46398 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
46399 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
46400 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
46401 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
46402 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
46403 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
46404 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
46405 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
46406 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
46407 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
46408 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
46409 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
46410 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
46412 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
46413 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
46415 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
46416 and the second half by our children.
46419 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
46420 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
46422 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
46423 management is that success equals skill.
46426 The first requisite for immortality is death.
46429 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
46430 child, was propounded to me by my father:
46431 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
46433 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
46435 "A herring," said my father.
46436 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
46437 "So hang it there."
46438 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
46440 "But a herring isn't wet."
46441 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
46442 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
46444 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
46446 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
46448 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
46451 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
46454 "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
46455 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
46456 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
46458 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
46461 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
46465 The first thing I do in the morning
46466 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
46469 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
46470 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
46472 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
46473 The second, a trick.
46474 Later, it's a well-established technique!
46475 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
46477 The first version always gets thrown away.
46479 The five rules of Socialism:
46482 2. If you do think, don't speak.
46483 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
46484 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
46485 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
46487 -- being told in Poland, 1987
46489 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
46491 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
46492 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
46494 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
46497 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
46498 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
46500 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
46501 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
46502 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
46503 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
46505 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
46506 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
46507 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
46510 The following statement is not true.
46511 The previous statement is true.
46513 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
46515 1. You can't push on a string.
46516 2. Ain't no free lunches.
46517 3. Them as has, gets.
46518 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
46520 The Force is what holds everything together.
46521 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
46522 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
46524 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
46525 completely surrounded by people who want some.
46526 -- Dwight MacDonald
46528 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
46529 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
46530 rests on mutual help.
46533 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
46534 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
46536 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
46537 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
46539 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
46540 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
46542 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
46543 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
46545 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
46546 if the character does not have fire resistance.
46547 -- README file from the NetHack game
46549 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
46553 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
46554 -- Somerset Maugham
46556 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
46557 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
46559 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
46560 of both parties tactfully interferes.
46561 -- G. K. Chesterton
46563 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
46564 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
46565 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
46567 The future is a myth created by insurance
46568 salesmen and high school counselors.
46570 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
46573 The future is going to be boring.
46576 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
46578 The future lies ahead.
46580 The future not being born, my friend,
46581 we will abstain from baptizing it.
46584 The garden is in mourning;
46585 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
46586 Summer shivers quietly
46587 On its way towards its end.
46589 Golden leaf after leaf
46590 Falls from the tall acacia.
46591 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
46592 In this dying dream of a garden.
46594 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
46595 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
46597 Close her weary eyes.
46598 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
46600 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
46602 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
46603 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
46604 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
46607 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
46609 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
46611 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
46614 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
46615 remember her first husband.
46617 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
46619 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
46622 The glances over cocktails
46623 That seemed to be so sweet
46624 Don't seem quite so amorous
46625 Over Shredded Wheat
46627 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
46628 least until we've finished building it.
46630 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
46631 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
46633 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
46634 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
46636 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
46640 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
46641 He who has the gold makes the rules.
46643 "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
46644 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
46645 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
46646 man in the bonds of Hell."
46649 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
46653 The good (I am convinced, for one)
46654 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
46655 Once your reputation's done
46656 You can live a life of fun.
46659 The good life was so elusive
46660 It really got me down
46661 I had to regain some confidence
46662 So I got into camaflouge
46664 The good time is approaching,
46665 The season is at hand.
46666 When the merry click of the two-base lick
46667 Will be heard throughout the land.
46668 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
46669 Budless are the trees.
46670 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
46671 Is borne upon the breeze.
46672 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
46675 If a string has one end, it has another.
46677 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
46678 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
46679 and they can't fire it.
46681 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
46682 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
46683 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
46684 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
46685 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
46686 down anything he damn well pleases.
46687 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
46689 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
46690 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
46691 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
46693 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
46695 -- George Washington
46697 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
46698 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
46699 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
46700 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
46701 "Send Lord Combermere."
46702 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
46703 Combermere a fool."
46704 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
46705 -- G. W. E. Russell
46707 The goys have proven the following theorem...
46708 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
46711 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
46712 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
46713 -- Benjamin Franklin.
46715 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
46717 The grave's a fine and private place,
46718 but none, I think, do there embrace.
46721 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
46722 -- Charles de Gaulle
46724 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
46725 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
46726 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
46727 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
46728 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
46730 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
46732 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
46733 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
46735 The Great Movie Posters:
46737 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
46738 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
46739 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
46741 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
46742 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
46743 -- The Wild Party (1929)
46745 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
46746 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
46747 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
46748 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
46749 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
46751 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
46752 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
46753 -- The Night is Young (1934)
46755 The Great Movie Posters:
46757 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
46759 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
46761 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
46762 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
46764 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
46766 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
46768 The family that slays together stays together.
46769 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
46771 The Great Movie Posters:
46773 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
46776 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
46777 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
46778 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
46780 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
46783 It's not human and it's got an axe.
46786 The Great Movie Posters:
46788 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
46789 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
46790 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
46791 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
46793 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
46794 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
46796 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
46797 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
46798 Alone, only a harmless pet...
46799 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
46800 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
46802 They're Over-Exposed
46803 But Not Under-Developed!
46804 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
46806 The Great Movie Posters:
46808 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
46809 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
46811 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
46812 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
46813 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
46815 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
46816 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
46817 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
46819 The Great Movie Posters:
46821 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
46822 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
46824 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
46826 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
46828 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
46829 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
46831 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
46832 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
46834 The Great Movie Posters:
46836 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
46837 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
46838 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
46841 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
46842 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
46845 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
46846 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
46847 she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
46848 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
46849 was a girl in love!
46850 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
46851 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
46853 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
46854 -- Intermezzo (1939)
46856 The Great Movie Posters:
46858 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
46859 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
46861 She Sins in Mobile --
46862 Marries in Houston --
46863 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
46864 Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
46865 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
46868 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
46869 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
46871 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
46872 A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
46873 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
46874 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
46875 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
46876 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
46878 The Great Movie Posters:
46880 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
46881 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
46882 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
46883 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
46884 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
46885 SEE the burning of a virgin!
46886 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
46887 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
46890 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
46891 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
46893 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
46894 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
46895 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
46896 give you the wim-wams!
46897 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
46899 The Great Movie Posters:
46901 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
46902 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
46903 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
46904 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
46906 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
46907 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
46909 It's always better when you come again!
46910 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
46912 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
46915 The Great Movie Posters:
46917 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
46918 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
46919 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46921 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46923 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46926 TOMORROW the World!
46929 The Great Movie Posters:
46931 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46932 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46939 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
46940 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
46941 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46942 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46943 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46944 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46945 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46946 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46947 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46948 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46950 The Great Movie Posters:
46952 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46953 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46955 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46956 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46957 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46958 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46959 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46960 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46962 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46964 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46966 The Great Movie Posters:
46968 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46969 horror on a screaming world!
46970 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46972 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
46974 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46976 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46977 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46978 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46979 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46981 The Great Movie Posters:
46983 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46984 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46985 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46987 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46988 -- The French Line (1954)
46990 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46991 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46993 The Great Movie Posters:
46995 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46997 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46999 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
47000 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
47002 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
47003 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
47004 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
47006 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
47010 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
47011 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
47012 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
47015 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
47016 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
47017 answered themselves.
47020 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
47021 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
47022 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
47024 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
47025 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
47027 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
47030 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
47031 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
47032 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
47033 their wives and daughters to his arms.
47034 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
47036 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
47039 The Greatest Mathematical Error
47040 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
47041 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
47042 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
47043 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
47044 corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
47045 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
47046 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
47047 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
47048 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
47049 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
47051 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
47052 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47054 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
47056 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
47059 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
47061 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
47062 it delivers its message and then disappears.
47064 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
47065 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
47066 would have been useful to the chicken.
47068 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
47070 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
47073 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
47076 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
47077 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
47079 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
47082 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
47083 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
47085 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
47086 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
47087 author's name on the title page.
47088 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
47090 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
47091 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
47093 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
47094 of functions performed by private citizens.
47095 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
47097 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
47098 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
47100 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
47103 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
47105 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
47107 The heaviest object in the world is the
47108 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
47109 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
47111 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
47112 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
47114 The help people need most urgently is
47115 help in admitting that they need help.
47117 The herd instinct among economists
47118 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
47120 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
47121 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
47122 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
47123 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
47124 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
47125 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
47127 -- Benjamin Cardozo
47129 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
47130 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
47131 least 5000 years old."
47133 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
47134 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
47136 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
47137 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
47138 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
47139 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
47140 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
47142 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
47144 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
47145 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
47148 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
47150 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
47152 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
47153 pretext that your brother did it.
47155 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
47158 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
47159 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
47162 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
47163 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
47166 The horror... the horror!
47168 The human animal differs from the lesser
47169 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
47172 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
47173 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
47174 -- Sir George Jessel
47176 "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
47177 has gills through which it can see."
47180 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
47181 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
47183 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
47184 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
47187 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
47188 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
47189 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
47190 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
47191 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
47192 certain degree of awe.
47193 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
47195 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
47198 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
47199 procession but carrying a banner.
47202 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
47205 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
47206 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
47209 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
47210 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
47213 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
47214 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
47216 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
47219 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
47220 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
47221 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
47224 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
47225 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
47226 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
47227 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
47228 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
47229 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
47230 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
47231 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
47232 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
47233 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
47235 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
47236 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
47239 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
47240 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
47241 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
47242 -- John Maynard Keyes
47244 "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
47247 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
47249 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
47252 "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
47256 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
47257 A program is a lot like a nose:
47258 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
47260 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
47262 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
47264 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
47265 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
47266 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
47269 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
47270 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
47271 important thing to people.
47272 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
47274 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
47275 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
47276 -- Bertrand Russell
47278 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
47279 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
47282 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
47283 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
47284 pointer and a mark.
47285 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
47287 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
47288 number of participants.
47291 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
47292 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
47293 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
47294 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
47295 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
47296 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
47297 overturning everything.
47298 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
47300 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
47301 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
47303 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
47304 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
47305 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
47306 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
47308 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
47309 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
47310 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
47311 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
47313 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
47314 treat the Arabs like postmen.
47317 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
47318 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
47319 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
47320 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
47321 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
47324 "The jig's up, Elman."
47328 The Junior God now heads the roll
47329 In the list of heaven's peers;
47330 He sits in the House of High Control,
47331 And he regulates the spheres.
47332 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
47333 If, even in gods divine,
47334 The best and wisest may not be those
47335 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
47338 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
47339 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
47340 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
47341 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
47342 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
47343 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
47344 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
47345 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
47346 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
47347 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
47348 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
47349 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
47350 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
47351 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
47352 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
47353 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
47355 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
47356 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
47359 The Kennedy Constant:
47360 Don't get mad -- get even.
47362 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
47365 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
47366 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
47367 advantage to see the truth.
47368 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
47370 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
47372 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
47373 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
47375 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
47377 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
47378 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
47380 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
47381 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
47384 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
47385 K: "But what about the
47386 ^#!!$% battle plan?"
47387 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
47389 The knowledge that makes us cherish
47390 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
47393 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
47394 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
47395 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
47396 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
47397 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
47398 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
47399 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
47400 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
47401 And now, just look at me."
47403 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
47404 Would shudder at a wicked word.
47405 Their candle gives a single light;
47406 They'd rather stay at home at night.
47407 They do not keep awake till three,
47408 Nor read erotic poetry.
47409 They never sanction the impure,
47410 Nor recognize an overture.
47411 They shrink from powders and from paints...
47412 So far, I've had no complaints.
47415 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
47416 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
47417 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
47419 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
47422 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
47423 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
47425 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
47427 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
47430 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
47434 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
47435 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
47438 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
47441 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
47442 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
47445 The Law of the Letter:
47446 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
47448 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
47449 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
47451 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
47453 -- Henry David Thoreau
47455 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
47456 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
47457 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
47461 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
47462 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
47463 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
47464 give a public reading of his latest poem.
47465 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
47466 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
47467 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
47468 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
47469 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
47470 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
47472 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
47473 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
47474 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
47475 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
47476 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
47477 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
47478 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
47479 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
47480 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
47482 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47484 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
47485 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
47486 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
47487 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
47488 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
47489 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
47490 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
47491 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
47492 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47494 The Least Successful Collector
47495 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
47496 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
47497 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
47498 works of Shakespeare.
47499 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
47500 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
47501 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
47502 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
47503 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
47504 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
47505 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47507 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
47508 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
47509 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
47510 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
47512 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
47513 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
47514 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
47515 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
47516 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
47517 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
47519 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47521 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
47522 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
47523 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
47524 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
47525 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
47527 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47529 The Least Successful Executions
47530 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
47531 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
47532 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
47533 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
47534 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
47535 punishment, he was reprieved.
47536 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
47537 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
47538 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
47539 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
47540 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
47541 to America and lived until 1933.
47542 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47544 The Least Successful Police Dogs
47545 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
47546 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
47547 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
47548 offend the criminal classes.
47549 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
47550 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
47551 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
47552 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
47553 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
47555 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
47556 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
47557 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
47558 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
47559 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47561 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
47564 The less time planning, the more time programming.
47566 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
47568 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
47569 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
47570 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
47571 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
47572 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
47573 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
47574 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
47575 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
47577 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
47579 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
47580 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
47581 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
47584 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
47586 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
47587 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
47588 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
47589 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
47590 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
47591 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
47593 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
47595 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
47596 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
47597 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
47598 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
47599 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
47601 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
47602 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
47603 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
47604 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
47606 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
47607 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
47609 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
47612 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
47613 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
47614 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
47617 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
47619 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
47620 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
47621 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
47622 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
47623 it travels across the screen.
47625 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
47627 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
47628 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
47629 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
47630 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
47632 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
47634 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
47635 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
47636 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
47637 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
47638 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
47640 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
47642 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
47643 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
47644 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
47645 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
47646 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
47647 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
47648 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
47649 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
47650 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
47651 who end up using this language.
47653 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
47655 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
47656 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
47657 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
47658 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
47659 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
47660 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
47661 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
47662 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
47663 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
47665 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
47668 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
47671 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
47674 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
47676 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
47678 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
47680 The lion and the calf shall lie down
47681 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
47684 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
47685 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
47688 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
47689 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
47691 The little town that time forgot,
47692 Where all the women are strong,
47693 The men are good-looking,
47694 And the children above-average.
47695 -- Prairie Home Companion
47697 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
47698 door with a basket of kittens.
47699 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
47700 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
47701 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
47702 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
47703 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
47704 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
47705 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
47706 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
47708 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
47709 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
47710 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
47713 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
47716 The longer the title, the less important the job.
47718 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
47719 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
47721 "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
47722 we could with both of them."
47723 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
47725 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
47726 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
47728 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
47732 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
47733 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47735 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
47736 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
47737 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
47738 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
47739 steel through your last meal!'
47740 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
47742 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
47744 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
47745 Are of imagination all compact...
47746 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
47748 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
47750 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
47751 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47753 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
47756 The major advances in civilization are processes
47757 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
47760 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
47761 bonds will eventually mature.
47763 The major sin is the sin of being born.
47766 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
47770 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
47771 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
47775 The makers may make,
47776 And the users may use,
47777 But the fixers must fix
47778 With but minimal clues.
47780 The man she had was kind and clean
47781 And well enough for every day,
47782 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
47783 The one that got away.
47784 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
47786 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
47787 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
47788 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
47790 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
47791 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
47792 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
47793 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
47794 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
47795 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
47796 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
47797 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
47798 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
47799 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
47800 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
47801 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47803 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
47804 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
47806 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
47808 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
47811 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
47814 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
47815 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
47817 The man who runs may fight again.
47820 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
47821 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
47822 -- Old Japanese proverb
47824 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
47825 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
47828 The man who understands one woman is
47829 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
47832 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
47833 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
47836 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
47837 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
47840 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
47843 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
47845 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
47846 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
47847 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
47849 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
47850 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
47853 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
47854 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
47855 master calls a butterfly.
47856 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
47858 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
47859 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
47860 are one, and that one is marxism.
47862 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
47864 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
47866 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
47867 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
47868 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
47870 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
47873 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
47875 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
47876 always end up on their ends without any means.
47879 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
47880 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
47882 The meek don't want it.
47884 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
47886 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
47888 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
47889 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
47891 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
47894 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
47896 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
47898 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
47899 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
47901 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
47903 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
47904 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
47907 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
47908 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
47910 -- Winston Churchill
47912 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
47913 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
47914 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
47915 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
47917 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
47918 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
47921 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47923 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47924 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47925 being who produces the impressions.
47926 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47928 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
47929 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
47930 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
47931 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
47932 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
47933 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47935 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47938 The Modelski Chain Rule:
47939 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47940 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47942 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47943 bright-looking individual.
47944 3: Procure a large chain.
47945 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47946 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47947 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47948 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47950 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47951 -- Laurence J. Peter
47953 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47954 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47956 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47958 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47959 -- Nicol Williamson
47961 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47963 The moon is made of green cheese.
47966 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47968 The Moral Majority is neither.
47970 The more complex the mind, the greater
47971 the need for the simplicity of play.
47972 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
47974 The more control, the more that requires control.
47976 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47977 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47979 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47981 "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47982 lower the mailing cost."
47983 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47985 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47987 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47988 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47990 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47991 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47993 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47994 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47997 The more the merrier.
48000 The more they over-think the plumbing
48001 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
48003 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
48006 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
48008 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
48010 The more we disagree, the more chance
48011 there is that at least one of us is right.
48013 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
48015 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
48017 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
48018 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
48019 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
48021 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
48023 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
48026 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
48028 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
48029 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
48030 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
48031 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
48032 have the good fortune to find one.
48035 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
48036 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
48037 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
48040 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
48041 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
48044 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
48045 -- American proverb
48047 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
48050 b) The American Nazi Party
48051 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
48053 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
48054 the country is the one on which you resell it.
48057 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
48058 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
48060 "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
48061 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
48062 -- Theodore H. White
48064 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
48066 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
48067 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
48068 -- Alfred De Musset
48070 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
48071 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
48074 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
48075 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
48076 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
48077 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
48078 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
48079 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
48080 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
48081 starts a long, long time before the event.
48082 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
48083 from "Congress Eate It Up"
48085 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
48086 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
48089 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
48090 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
48091 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
48093 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
48095 The most important early product on the way
48096 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
48098 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
48099 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
48101 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
48102 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
48105 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
48107 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
48108 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
48110 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
48111 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
48112 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
48114 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
48115 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
48116 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
48117 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
48118 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
48119 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
48120 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
48121 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
48122 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
48123 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
48124 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
48125 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
48126 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
48127 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
48128 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
48129 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
48130 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
48131 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
48132 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
48133 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
48134 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
48135 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
48136 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
48137 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
48138 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
48139 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
48141 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
48142 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
48146 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
48147 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
48148 them were fishermen.
48151 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
48152 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
48153 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
48154 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
48155 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
48156 to commit adultery.
48157 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
48158 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
48159 the printers L3,000.
48160 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48162 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
48163 children for their insurance money.
48166 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
48168 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
48169 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
48170 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
48171 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
48173 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
48174 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
48175 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
48177 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
48178 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
48180 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
48181 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
48183 "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
48184 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
48187 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
48188 Support your right to bare arms!
48190 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
48193 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
48196 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
48197 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
48198 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
48199 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
48201 The net of law is spread so wide,
48202 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
48203 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
48204 They take in every child of wrong.
48205 O wondrous web of mystery!
48206 Big fish alone escape from thee!
48207 -- James Jeffrey Roche
48209 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
48210 I hope I don't get run over again.
48212 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
48213 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
48216 A javelin team that elects to receive.
48218 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
48219 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
48221 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
48222 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
48226 "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
48227 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
48228 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
48229 and running the country ..."
48230 -- Robert J Woodhead
48232 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
48233 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
48236 The next thing I say to you will be true.
48237 The last thing I said was false.
48239 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
48240 -- Lucille S. Harper
48242 The nice thing about standards
48243 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
48244 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
48246 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
48248 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
48249 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
48251 Breakfast at the Egg House,
48252 Like the waffle on the griddle,
48253 I'm burnt around the edges,
48254 But I'm tender in the middle.
48257 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
48258 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
48259 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
48260 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
48261 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
48263 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
48264 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
48265 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
48267 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
48268 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
48269 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
48270 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
48273 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
48277 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
48278 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
48280 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
48283 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
48284 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
48286 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
48287 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
48289 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
48290 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
48291 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
48294 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
48295 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
48296 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
48299 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
48300 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
48302 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
48304 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
48306 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
48308 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
48309 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
48310 of Corporate Planning."
48312 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
48314 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
48315 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
48316 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
48317 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
48319 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
48321 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
48322 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
48323 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
48324 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
48325 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
48326 god at 8:15 the next morning.
48328 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
48329 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
48330 more like fourteen.
48331 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
48333 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
48334 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
48335 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
48336 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
48337 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
48339 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
48340 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
48343 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
48344 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48346 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
48348 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
48349 Let the reader catch his own breath.
48350 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
48352 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
48353 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
48356 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
48359 The one good thing about repeating your
48360 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
48362 The one L lama, he's a priest
48363 The two L llama, he's a beast
48364 And I will bet my silk pyjama
48365 There isn't any three L lllama.
48366 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
48367 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
48369 The One Page Principle:
48370 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
48371 cannot be understood.
48374 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
48375 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
48377 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
48380 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
48383 The only constant is change.
48385 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
48386 right turn on a red light.
48389 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
48390 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
48392 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
48394 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
48395 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
48398 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
48399 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
48400 -- The Indianapolis Star
48402 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
48404 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
48406 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
48407 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
48408 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
48409 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
48410 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
48411 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
48412 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
48413 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
48414 it and are delighted.
48417 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
48420 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
48421 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
48422 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
48425 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
48428 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
48429 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
48430 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
48431 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
48432 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
48434 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
48437 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
48439 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
48441 The only possible interpretation of any research
48442 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
48443 -- Ernest Rutherford
48445 The only problem with being a man of leisure
48446 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
48448 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
48451 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
48452 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
48453 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
48454 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
48457 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
48458 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
48459 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
48460 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
48462 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
48464 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
48465 for getting acquainted.
48468 "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
48469 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
48472 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
48474 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
48475 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
48476 finished, and put inside boxes.
48477 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48479 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
48480 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
48483 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
48484 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48486 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
48488 The only thing better than love is milk.
48490 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
48492 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
48494 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
48496 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
48497 the first one was useless.
48498 -- Nicolas Chamfort
48500 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
48501 It is never any use to oneself.
48504 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
48507 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
48508 the lessons that history has to teach.
48511 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
48514 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
48515 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
48516 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
48517 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
48519 "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
48523 "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
48525 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
48527 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
48528 he has lost over the years.
48529 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48531 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
48534 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
48538 The only way to amuse some people
48539 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
48541 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
48544 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
48545 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
48548 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
48551 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
48552 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
48553 -- Jean de la Bruyere
48555 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
48558 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
48559 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48562 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48565 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
48567 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
48569 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
48570 and the pessimist knows it.
48571 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
48573 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
48574 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
48575 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
48576 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
48578 The optimum committee has no members.
48579 -- Norman Augustine
48581 The opulence of the front office door varies
48582 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
48584 The orders come down and they march us away.
48585 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
48586 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
48587 But it's better than working for Xerox.
48588 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
48590 "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
48591 went back in time."
48594 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
48597 The other line moves faster.
48599 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
48600 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
48601 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
48602 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
48603 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
48604 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
48605 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
48606 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
48607 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
48608 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
48609 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
48610 never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
48612 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
48614 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
48615 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
48617 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
48618 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
48619 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
48620 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
48622 The past always looks better than it was.
48623 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
48624 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
48626 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
48627 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
48630 The people sensible enough to give
48631 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
48633 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
48634 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
48635 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
48636 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
48637 person you have always wanted to be.
48640 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
48643 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
48644 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
48648 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
48650 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
48652 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
48654 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
48656 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
48657 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
48658 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
48659 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
48661 The philosopher's treatment of a question
48662 is like the treatment of an illness.
48665 The Phone Booth Rule:
48666 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
48668 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
48669 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
48670 Let others think his heart is big,
48671 I think it stupid of the Pig.
48674 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
48675 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
48676 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
48677 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
48678 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
48681 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
48684 The plural of spouse is spice.
48686 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
48687 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
48688 "Let our thoughts be correct".
48691 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
48692 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
48693 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
48694 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
48695 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
48696 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
48697 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
48698 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
48699 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
48700 the higher emotions.
48701 She would me "Honey" call,
48702 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
48703 But now alas! She's left me
48705 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
48706 was her prudent choice of footwear.
48707 The fives did fit her shoe.
48708 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
48709 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
48710 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
48711 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
48712 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
48713 worst poet in England."
48714 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48716 The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
48717 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
48720 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
48721 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
48722 save your sanity for later.
48724 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
48725 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
48726 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
48727 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
48728 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
48730 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
48733 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
48734 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
48735 -- Buckminster Fuller
48737 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
48738 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
48741 "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
48744 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
48747 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
48748 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
48750 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
48752 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
48753 Were each of them once a kiddie.
48754 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
48755 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
48758 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
48759 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
48760 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
48761 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
48763 The prettiest women are almost always the most
48764 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
48765 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48767 The price of greatness is responsibility.
48769 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
48770 they might force their beliefs on us.
48773 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
48776 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
48777 knowledge of its ugly side.
48780 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
48781 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
48782 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
48784 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48786 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
48787 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
48789 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
48790 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
48791 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
48792 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
48793 program, should the value of pi change.
48794 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
48796 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
48797 voters to win the next election.
48799 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
48800 represents the secondary theme:
48802 Law Enforcement Officials
48804 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
48806 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
48809 The probability of someone watching you is directly
48810 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48812 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
48813 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
48814 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
48815 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
48816 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
48817 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
48818 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
48820 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
48822 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
48823 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
48826 The problem with any unwritten law is that
48827 you don't know where to go to erase it.
48830 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
48831 to sleep every few days.
48833 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
48834 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
48835 government because they could not keep up.
48838 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
48839 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
48842 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
48843 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
48844 -- Elizabeth Taylor
48846 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
48848 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
48851 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
48852 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
48853 with sloppy English.
48854 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48856 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
48860 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
48862 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
48863 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48865 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
48866 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
48870 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
48871 thoughts about their neighbours.
48874 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
48875 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
48876 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
48877 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
48878 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
48879 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48881 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
48882 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
48884 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
48886 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
48889 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
48890 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
48891 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
48893 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
48894 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
48897 "The pyramid is opening!"
48899 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
48900 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
48901 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
48903 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
48904 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
48906 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
48908 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
48909 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
48910 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
48911 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
48912 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
48913 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
48914 remain each in their own position.
48915 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
48918 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
48919 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
48920 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
48922 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
48924 The questions remain the same.
48925 The answers are eternally variable.
48927 The Rabbits The Cow
48928 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
48929 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
48932 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
48933 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48936 The rain it raineth on the just
48937 And also on the unjust fella:
48938 But chiefly on the just, because
48939 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48942 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48944 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48945 measurement of the speed of blight.
48947 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48948 illiterates can read.
48951 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48954 The real man's Bloody Mary:
48955 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
48956 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48958 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48959 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48961 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48963 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48964 -- Christopher Morley
48966 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48967 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48969 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48970 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48972 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48974 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48976 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48977 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48978 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48979 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48980 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48982 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48985 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48986 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48989 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48990 is that the experience makes you wise.
48992 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48996 The reason why worry kills more people
48997 than work is that more people worry than work.
48999 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
49000 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
49001 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
49002 -- George Bernard Shaw
49004 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
49005 financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
49006 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
49007 industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
49008 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
49009 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
49011 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
49012 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
49015 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
49019 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
49020 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
49021 The hen, pleased with that,
49022 Laid an egg in his hat --
49023 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
49024 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49026 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
49027 -- Japanese proverb
49029 The revolution will not be televised.
49031 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
49033 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
49036 The rhino is a homely beast,
49037 For human eyes he's not a feast.
49038 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
49039 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
49042 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
49043 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
49045 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
49046 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
49048 "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
49049 and to his imagination for his facts."
49052 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
49056 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
49059 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
49060 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
49062 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
49063 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
49064 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
49065 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
49066 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
49068 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
49069 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
49070 you have and what rights you have not got.
49071 -- J. Parnell Thomas
49073 The ripest fruit falls first.
49074 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
49076 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
49079 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
49082 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
49085 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
49086 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
49090 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
49091 one who is doing it.
49093 The root of all superstition is that men
49094 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
49097 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
49099 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
49100 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
49101 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
49102 take it too seriously.
49103 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49105 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
49108 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
49109 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
49110 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
49112 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
49113 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
49114 it through power, violence or weapons.
49115 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49119 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
49120 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
49121 the console keyboard.
49122 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
49123 card decks together.
49124 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
49125 especially if you're already married.
49126 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
49127 a stool to reach another disk pack.
49128 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
49130 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
49131 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
49132 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
49133 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
49134 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
49136 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
49137 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
49138 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49140 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
49141 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
49142 gesture by the individual to himself.
49143 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
49145 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
49147 The savior becomes the victim.
49149 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
49151 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
49152 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
49154 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
49156 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
49158 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
49159 showed that all had these things in common:
49161 1) They all had moderate appetites.
49162 2) They all came from middle class homes.
49163 3) All but two of them were dead.
49165 The scum also rises.
49166 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49168 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
49169 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
49170 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
49172 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
49173 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
49177 The second best policy is dishonesty.
49179 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
49180 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
49183 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
49185 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
49187 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
49188 you've got it made.
49191 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
49192 there is no humor in Heaven.
49195 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
49196 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
49199 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
49200 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
49201 from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
49202 milestones are lifted.
49203 -- George Bernard Shaw
49205 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
49206 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
49207 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
49208 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
49209 him are dead, he is alive.
49210 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
49211 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
49212 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
49213 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
49214 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
49215 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
49216 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
49218 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
49221 The sheep died in the wool.
49223 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
49225 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
49226 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
49228 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
49230 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
49233 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
49234 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
49236 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
49237 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
49238 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
49240 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
49241 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
49242 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
49246 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
49247 -- [just say that five times...]
49249 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
49250 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
49252 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
49253 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
49255 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
49256 And surly Winter grimly flies.
49257 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
49258 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
49259 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
49260 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
49261 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
49262 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
49264 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
49265 The yellow Autumn presses near;
49266 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
49267 Till smiling Spring again appear.
49268 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
49269 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
49270 But never ranging, still unchanging,
49271 I adore my bonnie Bell.
49272 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
49274 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
49275 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
49276 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
49277 one can see only a very few things at once.
49280 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
49281 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
49284 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
49285 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
49286 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
49287 its theories will hold water.
49289 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
49290 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
49291 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
49292 And slowly she let him inside.
49294 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
49295 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
49296 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
49297 And now will you tell me why?"
49298 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
49300 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
49301 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
49304 The solution of this problem is trivial
49305 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
49307 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
49310 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
49311 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
49312 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
49313 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
49314 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
49315 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
49316 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
49317 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
49318 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
49319 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
49320 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
49321 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
49322 the table as the children gathered around him.
49323 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49324 There was total silence.
49325 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49327 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
49328 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
49330 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
49331 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
49333 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
49335 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
49336 able to correct them.
49339 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
49341 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
49342 In town a noun might wear a gown,
49343 or further down, might dress a clown.
49344 A noun that's sound would never clown,
49345 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
49346 The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
49347 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
49348 But please don't let that get you down,
49349 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
49352 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
49353 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
49354 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
49355 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
49356 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
49357 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
49358 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
49359 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
49360 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
49361 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
49362 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
49363 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
49364 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
49366 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
49368 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
49369 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
49370 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
49371 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
49374 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
49376 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
49377 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
49378 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
49380 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
49382 The star of riches is shining upon you.
49384 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
49385 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
49386 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
49387 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
49388 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
49389 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
49390 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
49392 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
49394 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
49396 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
49397 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
49399 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
49400 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
49404 The steady state of disks is full.
49407 The story of the butterfly:
49408 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
49409 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
49410 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
49411 the third day, I heard a knock."
49412 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
49413 there was nothing."
49414 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
49415 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
49417 The story you are about to hear is true.
49418 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
49420 The street preacher looked so baffled
49421 When I asked him why he dressed
49422 With forty pounds of headlines
49423 Stapled to his chest.
49424 But he cursed me when I proved to him
49425 I said, "Not even you can hide.
49426 You see, you're just like me.
49427 I hope you're satisfied."
49430 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
49432 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
49434 The streets were dark with something more than night.
49435 -- Raymond Chandler
49437 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
49439 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
49440 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
49441 existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
49442 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
49443 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
49444 He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
49445 by the values he wills.
49448 "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
49449 is an emerging underachiever."
49451 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
49454 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
49455 even any property taxes."
49456 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
49458 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
49459 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
49460 -- The Silver Surfer
49462 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
49463 The population is, of course, growing.
49465 The sum of the Universe is zero.
49467 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
49470 The sun was shining on the sea,
49471 Shining with all his might:
49472 He did his very best to make
49473 The billows smooth and bright --
49474 And this was very odd, because it was
49475 The middle of the night.
49476 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
49478 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
49479 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
49481 The superfluous is very necessary.
49484 The superior man understands what is right;
49485 the inferior man understands what will sell.
49488 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
49489 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
49490 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
49491 side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
49492 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
49496 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
49498 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
49501 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
49503 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
49504 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
49507 The surest way to remain a winner is to
49508 win once, and then not play any more.
49510 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
49511 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
49512 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
49514 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
49516 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
49518 The Tao doesn't take sides;
49519 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
49520 The Guru doesn't take sides;
49521 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
49523 The Tao is like a stack:
49524 the data changes but not the structure.
49525 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
49526 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
49528 Hold on to the root.
49530 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
49531 used but never used up.
49532 It is like the extern void:
49533 filled with infinite possibilities.
49535 It is masked but always present.
49536 I don't know who built to it.
49537 It came before the first kernel.
49539 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
49540 is not the entire Tao.
49541 The path that can be specified
49542 is not the Full Path.
49544 We declare the names
49545 of all variables and functions.
49546 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
49548 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
49549 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
49551 Yet magic and hierarchy
49552 arise from the same source,
49553 and this source has a null pointer.
49555 Reference the NULL within NULL,
49556 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
49558 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
49559 artist never that he is a technician.
49560 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49562 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
49564 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
49566 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
49567 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
49568 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
49569 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
49570 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
49571 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
49572 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
49573 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
49574 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
49575 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
49576 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
49577 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
49578 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
49579 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
49580 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
49581 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
49582 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
49583 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
49584 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
49585 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
49586 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
49588 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
49589 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
49591 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
49592 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
49593 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
49594 most untechnician-like manner.
49596 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49597 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
49600 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
49601 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
49602 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
49603 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
49604 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
49607 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
49608 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
49609 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
49611 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
49614 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
49615 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
49617 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
49619 The Third Law of Photography:
49620 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
49621 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
49622 the dark leaks out.
49624 The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
49626 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
49628 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
49632 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
49635 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
49636 I need a lot of sleep.
49637 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
49639 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
49640 accurately it's called mudslinging.
49643 The Thought Police are here. They've come
49644 To put you under cardiac arrest.
49645 And as they drag you through the door
49646 They tell you that you've failed the test.
49647 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
49649 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
49651 The three biggest software lies:
49653 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
49654 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
49655 will fix the microcode.
49656 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
49658 The three laws of thermodynamics:
49659 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
49660 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
49661 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
49663 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
49665 1) Where's the bathroom?
49666 2) What time does the parade start?
49667 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
49669 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
49670 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
49671 an idea. -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
49673 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
49674 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
49675 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49677 The three rules of international air travel:
49679 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
49680 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
49681 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
49682 know *exactly* what you're doing.
49683 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
49685 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
49686 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
49688 The time for action is past!
49689 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
49691 The time is right to make new friends.
49693 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
49694 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
49697 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
49698 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
49699 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
49700 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
49701 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
49702 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
49703 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
49704 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
49705 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
49706 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
49707 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
49711 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
49714 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
49716 The tree of research must from time to time
49717 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
49720 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
49721 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
49724 The trouble with a kitten is that
49725 When it grows up, it's always a cat
49728 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
49730 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
49732 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
49734 -- Franklin P. Jones
49736 The trouble with being punctual is that people
49737 think you have nothing more important to do.
49739 The trouble with computers is that they do
49740 what you tell them, not what you want.
49743 The trouble with doing something right the first
49744 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
49746 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
49747 five or six days later you're hungry again.
49750 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
49751 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
49754 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
49755 -- George S. Kaufman
49757 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
49759 The trouble with opportunity is that it
49760 always comes disguised as hard work.
49761 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
49763 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
49764 and then marry him.
49767 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
49770 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
49771 the other fellow of a dull one.
49774 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
49777 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
49778 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
49779 all of the people all of the time.
49782 The trouble with you
49783 Is the trouble with me.
49785 But we still don't see.
49786 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
49788 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
49789 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
49790 people stumble than to be walked upon.
49793 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
49796 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
49799 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
49802 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
49805 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
49808 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
49811 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
49812 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
49814 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
49815 Which practically conceal its sex.
49816 I think it clever of the turtle
49817 In such a fix to be so fertile.
49820 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
49823 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
49826 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
49827 -- George Bernard Shaw
49829 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
49830 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
49831 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
49834 The two things that can get you into trouble
49835 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
49837 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
49838 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
49841 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
49842 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
49843 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
49844 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
49846 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
49847 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
49848 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
49850 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
49853 The ultimate game show will be the one
49854 where somebody gets killed at the end.
49855 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
49857 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
49858 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
49860 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
49861 "100 percent American"...
49862 -- U.S. Army (1945)
49864 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
49866 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
49869 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
49871 The universe is an island,
49872 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
49874 The universe is laughing behind your back.
49876 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
49877 combination is locked up in the safe.
49880 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
49883 The Universe is populated by stable things.
49886 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
49887 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
49890 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
49893 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
49894 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
49895 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
49896 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
49898 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
49899 and deviation standard.
49901 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
49902 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
49904 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
49905 that I assume it must be evil.
49908 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
49909 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
49910 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
49911 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
49912 world put together.
49913 -- Sir Peter Medawar
49915 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
49916 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
49917 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49919 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
49920 regarded as a criminal offence.
49921 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
49923 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
49926 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
49928 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
49932 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
49933 constant and regular employment of violence.
49934 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
49936 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49940 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49941 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49942 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49943 be one of the facts that needs altering.
49944 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
49946 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49947 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49949 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49950 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49951 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49952 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49953 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49954 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49955 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49956 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49957 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49959 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49960 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49963 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49966 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49967 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49968 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49969 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49970 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49971 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49972 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49974 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
49976 "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49977 it's just a tired feeling:"
49979 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49981 The wages of sin are unreported.
49983 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49986 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49987 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49990 The water was not fit to drink.
49991 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49992 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49993 -- Winston Churchill
49995 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49996 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49999 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
50002 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
50004 The way to a man's heart is through his
50005 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
50006 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
50008 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
50010 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
50012 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
50014 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
50016 The way to make a small fortune in the
50017 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
50019 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
50021 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
50022 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
50023 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
50024 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
50025 I feel together today!
50026 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
50028 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
50030 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
50031 but the leaves are good to smoke!
50034 The white race is the cancer of history.
50037 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
50040 The whole of life is futile unless you
50041 consider it as a sporting proposition.
50043 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
50044 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
50045 -- Bertrand Russell
50047 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
50050 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
50053 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
50056 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
50057 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
50058 It must have blown through someone's feet,
50059 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
50062 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
50063 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
50067 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
50068 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
50070 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
50072 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
50073 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
50074 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
50075 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
50076 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
50077 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
50078 to get up in the morning!"
50080 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
50081 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
50083 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
50084 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
50085 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
50086 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
50087 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
50088 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
50091 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
50092 designed for people who walk on their hands.
50093 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
50095 The world is a comedy to those who think,
50096 and a tragedy to those who feel.
50099 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
50101 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
50103 The world is coming to an end!
50104 Repent and return those library books!
50106 The world is full of people who have never, since
50107 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
50110 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
50111 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
50114 The world is not octal despite DEC.
50116 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
50117 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
50118 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
50119 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
50121 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
50123 The world really isn't any worse.
50124 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
50126 The world wants to be deceived.
50129 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
50131 The world's as ugly as sin,
50132 And almost as delightful
50133 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
50135 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
50136 nor its great scholars great men.
50137 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50139 The Worst American Poet
50140 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
50141 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
50142 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
50143 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
50145 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
50146 formula was the same:
50147 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
50148 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
50149 Of their death I will relate,
50150 And also others lost their life
50151 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
50152 Where so many people died.
50153 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
50154 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
50155 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
50156 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
50157 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
50158 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
50159 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
50160 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
50161 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50163 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
50165 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
50166 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
50167 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
50168 sheepishly left the building.
50169 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
50170 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
50171 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
50172 was a practical joke.
50173 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
50174 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
50175 trapped in the revolving doors again.
50177 The Worst Car Hire Service
50178 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
50179 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
50180 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
50181 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
50182 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
50183 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
50184 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
50185 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
50186 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
50187 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
50188 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
50189 we might overlook that too."
50190 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
50191 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
50193 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50195 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
50196 -- George Bernard Shaw
50198 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
50200 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
50201 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
50202 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
50203 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50205 The worst is enemy of the bad.
50207 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
50211 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
50212 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
50213 remotest clue what was happening.
50214 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
50215 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
50216 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
50217 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
50218 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
50219 was hearing a murder trial.
50220 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
50221 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
50222 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
50223 The judge ordered a retrial.
50224 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50226 The Worst Lines of Verse
50227 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
50228 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
50229 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
50230 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
50231 laughter the instant they were read out.
50232 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
50233 inspired by the subject of war.
50234 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
50235 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
50236 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
50237 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
50238 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
50239 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
50240 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
50241 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
50242 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
50243 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
50244 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
50245 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
50246 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
50247 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
50248 While in this world, are liable to leak."
50249 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
50251 "I've measured it from side to side;
50252 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
50253 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50255 The Worst Musical Trio
50256 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
50257 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
50258 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
50259 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
50260 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
50261 unhampered by great musical talent.
50262 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
50263 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
50264 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
50265 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
50266 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
50267 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
50268 "and it will be a sell out."
50269 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
50270 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
50271 asked for someone to turn his pages.
50272 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
50273 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
50274 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
50275 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
50276 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
50277 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
50278 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
50279 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50281 The worst part of having success is trying
50282 to find someone who is happy for you.
50285 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
50287 The Worst Prison Guards
50288 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
50289 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
50290 near Lisbon in Portugal.
50291 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
50292 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
50293 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
50294 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
50295 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
50296 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
50297 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
50298 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
50299 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
50300 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
50301 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
50303 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
50304 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
50305 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
50306 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
50307 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
50308 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
50309 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50311 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
50312 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
50313 -- George Bernard Shaw
50315 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
50317 -- William Butler Yeats
50319 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
50320 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
50321 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
50324 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
50325 They were just the first not to crash.
50327 The yankees, son, are up north.
50328 The damnyankees are down here.
50330 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
50331 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
50334 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
50335 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
50336 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
50338 The young lady had an unusual list,
50339 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
50340 She set no preconditions.
50342 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
50343 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
50344 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
50345 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
50346 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
50347 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
50348 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
50349 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
50350 they only charge $1 a ball!"
50351 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
50354 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
50356 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
50357 and you'd better not refuse.
50361 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
50363 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
50364 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
50367 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
50368 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
50370 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
50371 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
50372 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
50373 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
50375 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
50376 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
50377 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
50378 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
50380 Then here's to the City of Boston,
50381 The town of the cries and the groans.
50382 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
50383 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
50384 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
50386 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
50387 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
50391 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
50393 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
50394 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
50395 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
50396 to the "W" on the dial.
50399 He who has a Tates is lost!
50401 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
50402 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
50403 "I'll put `maybe.'"
50406 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
50407 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
50410 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
50412 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
50413 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
50415 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
50416 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
50417 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
50418 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
50420 Proceed by induction:
50421 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
50424 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
50425 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
50426 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
50428 Theorem: All programs are dull.
50430 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
50431 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
50432 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
50433 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
50434 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
50435 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
50438 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
50439 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
50440 it will look in print.
50442 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
50445 Theory of Selective Supervision:
50446 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
50447 the one time the boss walks through the office.
50449 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
50450 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
50451 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
50452 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
50453 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
50454 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
50455 He speaks with a commanding voice:
50457 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
50459 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
50461 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
50462 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
50465 There are a few things that never go out of style,
50466 and a feminine woman is one of them.
50469 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
50470 -- Winston Churchill
50472 There are bad times just around the corner,
50473 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
50474 And it's no good whining
50475 About a silver lining
50476 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
50479 There are few people more often in the wrong
50480 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
50482 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
50483 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
50484 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
50486 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
50487 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
50490 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
50491 and praiseworthy ...
50492 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50494 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
50495 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
50496 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
50499 There are many intelligent species in
50500 the universe, and they all own cats.
50502 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
50503 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
50504 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
50505 get it in the winter.
50508 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
50509 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
50510 avoiding a great deal of pain.
50512 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
50515 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
50517 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
50519 There are more things in heaven and earth,
50520 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
50523 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
50525 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
50527 There are new messages.
50529 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
50532 There are no answers, only cross-references.
50535 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
50536 are chosen correctly.
50538 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
50540 There are no games on this system.
50542 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
50543 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
50545 There are no great men, only great challenges that
50546 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
50547 -- Admiral William Halsey
50549 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
50550 -- The Duke of Wellington
50552 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
50553 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
50554 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
50555 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
50556 -- Richard Davisson
50558 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
50559 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
50561 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
50563 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
50566 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
50568 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
50569 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
50572 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
50573 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
50576 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
50577 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
50578 people who find nothing odd about it.
50581 There are places I'll remember
50582 All my life though some have changed.
50583 Some forever not for better
50584 Some have gone and some remain.
50585 All these places had their moments
50586 With lovers and friends I still recall.
50587 Some are dead and some are living,
50588 In my life I've loved them all.
50590 But of all these friends and lovers,
50591 There is no one compared with you,
50592 All these memories lose their meaning
50593 When I think of love as something new.
50594 Though I know I'll never lose affection
50595 For people and things that went before,
50596 I know I'll often stop and think about them
50597 In my life I'll love you more.
50598 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
50600 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
50601 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
50604 There are running jobs.
50605 Why don't you go chase them?
50607 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
50608 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
50609 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
50612 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
50613 By the men who moil for gold;
50614 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
50615 That would make your blood run cold;
50616 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
50617 But the queerest they ever did see
50618 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
50619 I cremated Sam McGee.
50620 -- Robert W. Service
50622 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
50623 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
50626 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
50627 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
50628 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
50629 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
50630 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
50631 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
50633 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
50634 -- Benjamin Disraeli
50636 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
50638 "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
50639 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
50640 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
50642 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
50643 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
50644 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
50645 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
50646 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
50647 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
50648 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
50649 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
50651 "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
50652 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
50654 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
50656 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
50657 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
50658 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
50659 long winter evenings.
50662 There are three rules for writing a novel.
50663 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
50666 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
50667 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
50668 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
50669 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
50670 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
50672 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
50676 There are three things I have always loved
50677 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
50679 There are three things men can do with women:
50680 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
50683 There are three ways to get something done:
50686 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
50687 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
50689 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
50692 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
50693 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
50696 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
50697 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
50698 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
50699 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
50700 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
50701 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
50702 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
50704 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
50705 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
50706 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
50707 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
50708 Man it is smokin'!"
50709 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
50711 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
50712 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
50713 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
50714 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
50716 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
50717 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
50718 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
50720 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
50721 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
50723 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
50724 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
50725 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
50726 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50728 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
50729 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
50730 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
50732 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
50733 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
50735 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
50736 marriage and after marriage.
50738 There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
50739 sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
50742 "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
50743 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
50744 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
50748 There are two ways of disliking art.
50749 One is to dislike it.
50750 The other is to like it rationally.
50753 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
50754 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
50757 There are two ways to write error-free
50758 programs; only the third one works.
50760 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
50761 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
50763 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
50764 with an insurance salesman?
50767 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
50768 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
50769 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
50770 together we'll face the world.
50771 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
50773 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
50774 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
50776 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
50779 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
50782 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
50785 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
50786 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
50789 There comes a time to stop being angry.
50790 -- A Small Circle of Friends
50792 There exist tasks which cannot be done
50793 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
50796 There goes the good time that was had by all.
50797 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
50799 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
50800 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
50801 permissions for everyone, you could say
50803 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
50805 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
50806 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
50808 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
50809 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
50810 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
50811 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
50812 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
50813 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
50814 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
50815 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
50816 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
50818 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
50819 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
50821 There has been an alarming increase in the
50822 number of things you know nothing about.
50824 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
50826 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
50827 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
50828 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
50829 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
50831 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
50832 elevator with one other person from each floor?
50833 A: The elevator would be full.
50835 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
50836 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
50837 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
50838 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
50840 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
50844 There is a fly on your nose.
50846 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
50847 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
50848 each other's throat.
50849 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
50851 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
50852 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
50854 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
50856 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
50857 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
50858 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
50860 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
50861 tied during the month of April.
50863 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
50866 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
50867 wooden toilet seats.
50869 It's called the Birch John Society.
50871 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
50872 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
50876 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
50877 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
50878 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
50881 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
50882 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
50884 There is a time in the tides of men,
50885 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
50886 On the other hand, don't count on it.
50889 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
50890 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
50893 There is always more hell that needs raising.
50896 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
50898 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
50900 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
50902 There is always something new out of Africa.
50903 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
50905 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
50906 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
50907 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50909 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
50910 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
50913 There is brutality and there is honesty.
50914 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
50916 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
50917 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
50918 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
50921 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
50922 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
50923 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
50924 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
50925 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
50928 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
50929 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
50931 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
50932 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50934 There is in certain living souls
50935 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
50936 So great it must be shared
50937 As company is shared by lesser beings.
50938 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
50940 There is one lonelier than you.
50942 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
50943 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50944 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50945 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50946 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50947 even highly probable.
50948 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50950 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50952 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50953 and we will conquer. Follow me.
50954 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50956 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50957 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50958 -- G. K. Chesterton
50960 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50961 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50963 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50966 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50967 always enough time to do it over.
50969 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50971 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50972 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50973 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50975 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50976 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50978 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50979 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50980 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50982 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50983 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50984 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50985 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50986 striving of the human race"
50987 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50989 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50990 we define salvation through suffering.
50993 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50994 -- George Santayana
50996 There is no delight the equal of dread.
50997 As long as it is somebody else's.
51000 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
51002 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
51005 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
51006 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
51007 as 'unearned income.'
51010 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
51011 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
51013 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
51014 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
51015 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
51016 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
51017 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
51018 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
51020 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
51022 There is no fool to the old fool.
51025 There is no future in time travel.
51027 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
51029 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
51030 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
51031 -- Ernest Hemingway
51033 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
51034 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
51036 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
51037 -- George Francis Gillette
51039 There is no point in waiting.
51040 The train stopped running years ago.
51041 All the schedules, the brochures,
51042 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
51043 Promise rides to a distant country
51044 That no longer exists.
51046 There is no proverb that is not true.
51049 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
51050 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
51051 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
51052 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
51054 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
51056 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
51057 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
51058 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
51060 There is no royal road to geometry.
51063 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
51065 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
51066 -- George Bernard Shaw
51068 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
51069 -- General Douglas MacArthur
51071 There is no sin but ignorance.
51072 -- Christopher Marlowe
51074 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
51075 -- George Bernard Shaw
51077 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
51079 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
51081 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
51083 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
51085 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
51087 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
51088 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
51091 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
51093 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
51094 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
51095 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
51097 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
51098 some anxiety always goes with it.
51100 There is no time like the pleasant.
51102 There is no time like the present
51103 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
51105 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
51106 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
51108 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
51109 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
51110 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
51111 live as cheap as the people.
51112 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51114 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
51115 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
51118 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
51119 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
51121 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
51124 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
51125 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
51127 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
51128 -- Marie Antoinette
51130 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
51131 when you do it reluctantly.
51132 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
51134 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
51137 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
51138 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
51139 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
51140 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
51141 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
51142 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
51143 the middle of the night?'"
51145 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
51147 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
51148 ocean level wouldn't cure.
51151 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
51152 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
51154 There is one difference between a tax collector and
51155 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
51158 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
51159 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
51162 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
51163 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
51166 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
51169 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
51172 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
51173 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
51176 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
51177 and that word is blackmail.
51180 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
51181 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
51184 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
51185 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
51187 There is something in the pang of change
51188 More than the heart can bear,
51189 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
51192 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
51194 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
51196 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
51197 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
51201 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
51202 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
51204 There must be more to life than having everything.
51207 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
51210 There once was a girl named Irene
51211 Who lived on distilled kerosene
51212 But she started absorbin'
51214 And since then has never benzene.
51216 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51217 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51218 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51220 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51221 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51222 what would your decision be, my son?"
51223 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51224 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
51225 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51227 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51228 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51229 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51231 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51232 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51233 what would your decision be, my son?"
51234 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51235 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
51236 that I had promised."
51237 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51239 There once was a member of Mensa
51240 Who was a most excellent fencer.
51241 The sword that he used
51242 Was his -- (line is refused,
51243 And has now been removed by the censor).
51245 There once was an old man from Esser,
51246 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
51247 It at last grew so small,
51248 He knew nothing at all,
51249 And now he's a College Professor.
51251 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
51254 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
51255 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
51257 There was a little girl
51258 Who had a little curl
51259 Right in the middle of her forehead.
51260 When she was good, she was very, very good
51261 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
51262 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
51264 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
51265 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
51266 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
51267 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
51268 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
51269 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
51270 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
51271 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
51272 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
51273 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
51274 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
51275 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
51276 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
51277 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
51278 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
51279 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
51280 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
51281 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
51283 There was a phone call for you.
51285 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
51286 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
51287 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
51288 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
51289 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
51290 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
51291 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
51292 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
51293 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
51295 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
51296 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
51297 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
51301 There was a young lady from Hyde
51302 Who ate a green apple and died.
51303 While her lover lamented
51304 The apple fermented
51305 And made cider inside her inside.
51307 There was a young man from LeDoux,
51308 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
51310 There was a young man from Verdunne.
51312 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
51313 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
51314 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
51316 There was a young man who said "God,
51317 I find it exceedingly odd,
51318 That the willow oak tree
51320 When there's no one about in the Quad."
51322 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
51323 For I'm always about in the Quad;
51324 And that's why the tree,
51326 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
51328 There was a young poet named Dan,
51329 Whose poetry never would scan.
51330 When told this was so,
51331 He said, "Yes, I know.
51332 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
51334 "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
51335 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
51336 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
51340 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
51341 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
51342 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
51343 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
51344 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
51345 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
51346 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
51347 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
51348 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
51349 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
51350 the squaws of the other two hides.
51352 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
51353 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
51354 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
51355 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
51356 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
51357 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
51358 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
51359 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
51361 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
51362 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
51363 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
51365 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
51366 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
51367 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
51368 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
51369 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
51370 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
51371 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
51372 he tells the counterman.
51373 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
51374 "You must be from New York."
51375 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
51377 "Because this is a hardware store."
51379 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
51380 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
51381 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
51382 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
51383 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
51384 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
51385 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
51386 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
51387 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
51388 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
51389 telephone business?
51391 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
51392 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
51394 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
51396 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
51399 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
51400 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
51403 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
51404 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
51405 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
51406 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
51407 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
51408 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
51409 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
51410 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
51412 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
51415 There's a lesson that I need to remember
51416 When everything is falling apart
51417 In life, just like in loving
51418 There's such a thing as trying to hard
51421 Like you don't need the money
51422 Love like you'll never get hurt
51424 Like nobody's watching
51425 It's gotta come from the heart
51426 If you want it to work.
51429 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
51430 allows you to install Windows.
51431 -- Matthew D. Fuller
51433 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
51435 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
51436 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
51437 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
51438 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
51439 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
51440 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
51441 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
51442 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
51443 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
51444 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
51445 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
51446 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
51447 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
51449 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
51450 The corporation that we represent.
51451 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
51452 Of that man of men our sterling president
51453 The name of T.J. Watson means
51454 A courage none can stem
51455 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
51456 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
51458 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
51459 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
51460 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
51461 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
51462 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
51463 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
51464 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
51465 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
51466 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
51467 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
51468 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
51469 along -- quite gracefully.
51472 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
51475 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
51477 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
51479 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
51480 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
51484 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
51486 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
51488 There's little in taking or giving,
51489 There's little in water or wine:
51490 This living, this living, this living,
51491 Was never a project of mine.
51492 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
51493 The gain of the one at the top,
51494 For art is a form of catharsis,
51495 And love is a permanent flop,
51496 And work is the province of cattle,
51497 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
51498 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
51499 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
51502 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
51503 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
51506 There's no justice in this world.
51507 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
51508 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
51509 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
51510 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
51513 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
51516 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
51519 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
51522 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
51524 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
51525 what you're talking about.
51526 -- John von Neumann
51528 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
51529 -- Milton Friendman
51531 There's no such thing as an original sin.
51534 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
51538 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
51540 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
51542 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
51544 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
51545 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
51547 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
51549 -- Clare Booth Luce
51551 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
51553 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
51555 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
51556 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
51559 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
51560 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
51563 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
51567 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
51568 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
51570 There's nothing worse for your business than
51571 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
51574 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
51575 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
51577 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
51578 always see somebody who did worse.
51579 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
51581 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
51583 There's only one everything.
51585 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
51586 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
51589 There's small choice in rotten apples.
51590 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
51592 There's so much plastic in this culture that
51593 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
51596 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
51598 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
51599 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
51602 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
51603 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
51605 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
51606 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51608 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
51609 -- Richard Le Gallienne
51611 These activities have their own rules and methods
51612 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
51613 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
51615 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
51616 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
51617 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
51618 out of MEGATON MAN!"
51620 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
51621 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
51623 They also serve who only stand and wait.
51626 They also surf who only stand on waves.
51628 They are called computers simply because computation is
51629 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
51631 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
51632 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
51633 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
51634 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
51635 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
51637 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
51638 when they can see nothing but sea.
51641 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
51642 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
51644 They call them "squares" because it's the
51645 most complicated shape they can deal with.
51647 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
51648 -- The Blues Brothers
51650 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
51651 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
51652 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
51654 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
51655 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
51657 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
51658 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
51659 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
51660 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
51661 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
51662 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
51664 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
51665 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
51666 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
51667 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
51668 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
51669 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
51670 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
51671 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
51672 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
51674 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
51675 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
51676 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
51677 only want to count to two.
51678 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
51680 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
51681 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
51682 question about the suffering of starving miners.
51684 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
51686 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
51687 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
51689 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
51690 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
51691 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
51693 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
51695 "They make a desert and call it peace."
51696 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
51698 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
51699 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
51700 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
51703 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
51704 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
51705 learn this particular lesson.
51706 -- Richard Stallman
51708 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
51709 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
51710 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
51712 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
51713 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
51714 then we take Berlin.
51716 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
51717 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
51718 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
51719 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
51721 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
51722 always spell better than they pronounce.
51725 "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
51726 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
51727 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
51729 "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
51731 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
51732 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
51733 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
51734 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
51736 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
51737 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
51738 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
51739 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
51741 My notion was to start again
51742 Ignoring all they'd done
51743 We quickly turned it into code
51744 To see if it would run.
51746 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
51747 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
51749 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
51750 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
51752 They use different words for things in America.
51753 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
51754 They say drapes and we say curtains.
51755 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
51758 They went rushing down that freeway,
51759 Messed around and got lost.
51760 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
51761 And it was life in the fast lane.
51762 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
51764 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
51765 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
51767 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
51768 The man said "We got all that we can use",
51769 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
51770 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
51773 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
51774 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
51775 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
51779 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
51780 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
51782 They're just jealous because they don't have three
51783 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
51784 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
51785 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
51787 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
51789 "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
51793 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
51794 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
51795 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
51797 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
51798 -- Dwight Eisenhower
51800 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
51802 Things are not always what they seem.
51805 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
51807 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
51809 Things past redress and now with me past care.
51810 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
51812 Things will be bright in P.M.
51813 A cop will shine a light in your face.
51815 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
51818 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
51821 Pollute the Mississippi.
51823 Think honk if you're a telepath.
51825 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
51828 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
51830 Think of your family tonight.
51831 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
51836 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
51838 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
51839 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
51841 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
51842 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
51843 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
51844 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
51845 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
51846 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
51847 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
51848 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
51850 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
51851 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
51854 "Thirty days hath Septober,
51855 April, June, and no wonder.
51856 all the rest have peanut butter
51857 except my father who wears red suspenders."
51859 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
51862 Then they stand still.
51865 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
51866 Everye nighte and alle,
51867 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
51868 And Christe receive thy saule.
51869 -- The Lykewake Dirge
51871 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
51872 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
51873 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
51874 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
51875 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
51876 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
51877 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
51878 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
51879 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
51880 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
51881 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
51882 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
51884 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
51885 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
51886 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
51888 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
51890 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
51892 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
51894 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
51895 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
51896 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
51897 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
51898 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
51900 This fortune intentionally not included.
51902 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
51904 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
51905 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
51907 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
51909 This fortune is false.
51911 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
51913 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
51915 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
51917 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
51919 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
51920 We have emotional moving vans.
51923 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
51924 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
51925 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
51926 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
51927 of the house by dinner!"
51929 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
51930 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
51932 This is a good time to punt work.
51934 "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
51938 "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
51939 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
51941 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
51942 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
51944 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
51945 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
51946 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
51947 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
51948 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
51949 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
51950 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
51951 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
51952 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
51953 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
51954 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
51955 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
51956 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
51957 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
51958 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
51960 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
51962 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
51963 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
51964 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
51966 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
51967 and not enough hunchbacks.
51969 This is for all ill-treated fellows
51970 Unborn and unbegot,
51971 For them to read when they're in trouble
51975 This is Jim Rockford.
51976 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
51978 "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
51980 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
51982 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
51983 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
51984 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
51986 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
51987 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
51989 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
51991 This is NOT a repeat.
51993 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51994 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
51995 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
51996 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
51998 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
52000 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
52001 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
52002 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
52003 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
52004 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
52005 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
52006 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
52007 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
52008 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
52009 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
52010 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
52011 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
52012 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
52013 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
52015 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
52016 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
52018 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
52019 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
52020 and come alone. I'm serious!
52022 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
52023 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
52026 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
52027 power of computers:
52029 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
52030 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
52031 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
52032 one should eat each day:
52036 1 glass of skim milk
52037 27 heads of lettuce.
52038 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
52040 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
52042 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
52043 -- Winston Churchill
52045 This is the story of the bee
52046 Whose sex is very hard to see
52048 You cannot tell the he from the she
52049 But she can tell, and so can he
52051 The little bee is never still
52052 She has no time to take the pill
52054 And that is why, in times like these
52055 There are so many sons of bees.
52057 This is the theory that Jack built.
52058 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
52059 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
52061 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
52062 And now you know why.
52064 This is the way the world ends,
52065 This is the way the world ends,
52066 This is the way the world ends,
52067 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
52068 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
52070 This is your fortune.
52072 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
52073 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
52075 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
52076 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
52077 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
52078 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
52080 This land is full of trousers!
52081 this land is full of mausers!
52082 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
52083 -- Firesign Theater
52085 This land is made of mountains,
52086 This land is made of mud,
52087 This land has lots of everything,
52088 For me and Elmer Fudd.
52090 This land has lots of trousers,
52091 This land has lots of mousers,
52092 And pussycats to eat them
52093 When the sun goes down.
52095 This land is my land, and only my land,
52096 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
52097 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
52098 This land is private property.
52099 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
52101 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
52102 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
52103 to what to do and where to go.
52105 This life is yours. Some of it was given
52106 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
52108 This login session: $13.99
52110 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
52112 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
52114 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
52115 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
52117 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
52121 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
52122 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
52123 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
52124 don't actually hurt.
52125 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
52126 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
52127 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
52128 man enough to take me on?"
52129 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
52130 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
52131 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
52132 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
52133 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
52134 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
52135 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
52136 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
52137 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
52138 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
52139 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
52140 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
52142 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
52143 got to find a way off this planet.
52145 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
52146 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
52147 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
52148 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
52149 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
52150 paper that were unhappy.
52151 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52153 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52154 something child-like.
52155 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
52157 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
52158 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
52159 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
52160 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
52161 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
52162 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
52163 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
52164 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
52165 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
52166 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
52167 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
52168 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
52169 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
52170 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
52171 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
52172 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
52173 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
52174 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
52175 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
52176 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
52177 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
52178 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
52180 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
52181 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
52183 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
52184 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
52185 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
52186 which identifies errors in the original program.
52188 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
52189 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
52190 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
52191 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
52194 This screen intentionally left blank.
52196 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
52199 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
52201 This sentence no verb.
52203 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
52205 This thing all things devours:
52206 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
52207 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
52208 Grinds hard stones to meal;
52209 Slays king, ruins town,
52210 And beats high mountain down.
52212 This unit... must... survive.
52214 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
52215 contents may have occurred during shipment.
52217 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
52218 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
52219 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
52220 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
52222 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
52223 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
52225 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
52226 This was terrible with raisins in it.
52229 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
52231 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
52233 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
52234 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
52235 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
52236 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
52237 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
52238 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
52239 and was lying about twenty feet away.
52240 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
52241 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
52243 Those lovable Brits department:
52244 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
52246 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
52249 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
52251 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
52252 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
52253 at are called software.
52254 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
52255 Literacy for the 1990's.
52257 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
52258 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
52261 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
52265 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
52267 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
52268 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
52270 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
52273 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
52274 -- George Santayana
52276 Those who can't write, write manuals.
52278 Those who claim the dead never return
52279 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
52281 "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
52284 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
52287 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
52288 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
52291 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
52292 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
52295 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
52296 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
52299 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
52300 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
52301 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
52303 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
52304 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
52307 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
52309 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
52310 will make violent revolution inevitable.
52311 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
52313 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
52314 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
52315 without the roar of its many waters.
52316 -- Frederick Douglass
52318 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
52319 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
52320 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
52321 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
52322 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
52324 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
52325 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
52326 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
52327 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
52328 The highest rung. In his bung.
52330 Because in life they prayed so ill
52331 And offered god such swinish swill
52332 Now they sweat in flames of hell
52333 Sweat from lack of APL
52336 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
52338 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
52339 -- Miguel de Cervantes
52341 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
52343 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52345 -- The Tao of Programming
52347 Though I respect that a lot
52348 I'd be fired if that were my job
52349 After killing Jason off and
52350 Countless screaming argonauts
52352 Bluebird of friendliness
52353 Like guardian angels it's
52356 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
52357 Who watches over you
52358 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52359 Not to put too fine a point on it
52360 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
52361 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52363 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
52365 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
52367 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
52368 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
52369 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
52370 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
52371 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
52372 more about the matter than the others.
52373 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52375 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
52378 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
52379 -- Benjamin Franklin
52381 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
52382 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
52383 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
52385 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
52386 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
52387 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
52388 service station," said the Missourian.
52390 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
52391 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
52392 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
52394 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
52395 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
52398 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
52399 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
52400 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
52402 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
52403 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
52404 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
52405 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
52406 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52407 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
52408 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
52409 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52410 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
52412 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
52413 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
52414 2. Always point out second-order effects,
52415 but never point out when they can be ignored.
52416 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
52418 Throw away documentation and manuals,
52419 and users will be a hundred times happier.
52420 Throw away privileges and quotas,
52421 and users will do the Right Thing.
52422 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
52423 and there won't be any pirating.
52425 If these three aren't enough,
52426 just stay at your home directory
52427 and let all processes take their course.
52429 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
52430 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
52431 -- Bertrand Russell
52433 Thus spake the master programmer:
52434 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
52436 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52438 Thus spake the master programmer:
52439 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
52440 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52442 Thus spake the master programmer:
52443 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
52445 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52447 Thus spake the master programmer:
52448 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52450 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52452 Thus spake the master programmer:
52453 "Time for you to leave."
52454 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52456 Thus spake the master programmer:
52457 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
52458 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52460 Thus spake the master programmer:
52461 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
52462 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
52463 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52465 Thus spake the master programmer:
52466 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
52467 hardware is useless."
52468 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52470 Thus spake the master programmer:
52471 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
52472 can't make him computer literate."
52473 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52476 Everything goes wrong at once.
52478 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
52479 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
52480 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
52481 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
52483 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
52484 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
52485 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
52486 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
52488 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
52489 And racing around to come up behind you again
52490 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
52491 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
52493 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
52495 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
52496 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
52497 Or half a page of scribbled lines
52498 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
52502 Quite unaccountably
52512 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
52514 Tiger got to sleep,
52516 Man got to tell himself he understand.
52517 -- The Books of Bokonon
52519 Time and tide wait for no man.
52521 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
52524 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
52526 Time goes, you say?
52528 Time stays, *we* go.
52531 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
52534 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
52535 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52537 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
52539 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
52540 -- Henry David Thoreau
52542 Time is nature's way of making sure that
52543 everything doesn't happen at once.
52545 Space is nature's way of making sure that
52546 everything doesn't happen to you.
52548 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
52551 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
52553 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
52555 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
52557 Time to take stock.
52558 Go home with some office supplies.
52561 Love's wounds unseen.
52562 That's what someone told me;
52563 But I don't know what it means.
52564 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
52566 Time will end all my troubles,
52567 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
52569 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
52570 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
52573 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
52575 Timing must be perfect now.
52576 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
52579 Never fry bacon in the nude.
52581 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
52584 Tip the world over on its side and
52585 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
52586 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52588 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
52589 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
52590 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
52591 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
52592 they would ordinarily.
52593 There is no music in space.
52594 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
52595 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
52597 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
52598 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
52599 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
52600 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
52601 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
52602 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
52603 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
52604 never been easier."
52605 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
52606 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
52607 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
52608 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
52609 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
52610 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
52611 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
52612 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
52613 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
52614 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
52615 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
52616 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
52618 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
52620 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
52623 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
52624 Before his life is done,
52625 To write three lines of APL,
52626 And make the damn things run.
52628 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
52629 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
52630 stopping at red lights are both optional.
52631 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52633 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
52634 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
52635 to spend a few days there.
52636 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52638 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
52639 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
52640 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52642 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
52643 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
52644 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
52645 Swedes speak better English.
52646 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52648 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
52649 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
52651 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52653 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
52654 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
52655 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
52658 To add insult to injury.
52661 To any truly impartial person, it would
52662 be obvious that I am always right.
52664 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
52667 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
52670 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
52671 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
52674 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
52675 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
52677 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
52678 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
52681 To be great is to be misunderstood.
52682 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52684 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
52685 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
52686 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
52687 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
52688 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
52689 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
52690 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
52691 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
52693 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
52695 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
52697 To be is to be related.
52705 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
52711 To be loved is very demoralizing.
52712 -- Katharine Hepburn
52714 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
52715 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
52716 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
52717 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
52719 To be or not to be.
52728 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
52730 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
52731 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
52734 "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
52735 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
52736 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
52739 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
52742 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
52743 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
52745 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
52746 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
52748 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
52750 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
52752 To be wise, the only thing you really need
52753 to know is when to say "I don't know."
52755 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
52756 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
52757 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52759 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
52760 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
52761 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
52762 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
52763 To write those routines
52764 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
52765 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
52766 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
52767 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
52768 To this glorious quest,
52769 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
52770 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
52772 Still strove with his last allocation
52773 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
52774 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
52776 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
52779 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
52780 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
52781 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
52783 To craunch a marmoset.
52784 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
52786 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
52787 more important than the ability to say yes.
52790 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
52791 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
52793 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
52794 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
52796 To do nothing is to be nothing.
52798 To do two things at once is to do neither.
52801 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
52802 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
52805 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
52806 of four kids and one bathroom.
52809 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
52812 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
52814 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
52816 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
52818 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
52819 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
52821 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
52823 "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
52825 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
52827 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
52829 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
52830 -- MIT Assasination Club
52832 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
52834 To err is human, to moo bovine.
52836 To err is human, to purr feline.
52837 To err is human, two curs canine.
52838 To err is human, to moo bovine.
52840 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
52841 -- Benjamin Franklin
52844 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
52852 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
52855 To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
52856 A time to be born, and a time to die;
52857 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
52858 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
52859 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
52860 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
52861 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
52862 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
52863 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
52864 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
52865 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
52866 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
52867 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
52868 A time to love, and a time to hate;
52869 A time of war, and a time of peace.
52872 To fear love is to fear life, and those
52873 who fear life are already three parts dead.
52874 -- Bertrand Russell
52876 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
52879 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
52880 -- Benjamin Franklin
52882 To generalize is to be an idiot.
52885 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
52887 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
52888 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
52890 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
52891 persons, two of them absent.
52893 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
52895 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
52897 To have died once is enough.
52898 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
52900 To hell with the Prime Directive;
52901 Let's KILL something!
52903 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
52906 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
52909 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
52910 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
52912 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
52913 to kill them, treat them often.
52915 To know Edina is to reject it.
52916 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
52918 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
52920 To lead people, you must follow behind.
52923 To listen to some devout people,
52924 one would imagine that God never laughs.
52927 To love is good, love being difficult.
52929 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
52931 To make tax forms true they should
52932 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
52934 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
52937 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
52938 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
52939 circus and a clown killed my dad.
52940 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52942 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
52944 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
52946 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
52947 -- 19th century toast
52949 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
52951 To restore a sense of reality, I think
52952 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
52955 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
52957 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
52958 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
52959 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
52960 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
52962 To say you got a vote of confidence
52963 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
52966 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
52968 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
52969 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
52970 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
52971 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
52972 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
52973 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
52974 mind over matter; quite.
52975 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
52977 To see you is to sympathize.
52979 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
52980 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
52982 To stand and be still,
52983 At the Birkenhead drill,
52984 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
52987 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
52988 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
52989 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
52991 To stay youthful, stay useful.
52993 To teach is to learn.
52995 To teach is to learn twice.
52998 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
53000 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
53002 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
53005 To Theodore Roosevelt:
53006 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
53007 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
53008 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
53009 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
53010 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
53012 Sultan to the Berbers
53013 Last of the Barbary Pirates
53015 To thine own self be true.
53016 (If not that, at least make some money.)
53018 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
53022 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
53023 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
53024 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
53025 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
53026 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
53027 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
53028 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
53029 secure ecological niche.
53030 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
53032 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
53034 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
53035 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
53036 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
53037 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
53038 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
53039 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
53040 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
53041 receving said benefit.
53042 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
53043 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
53044 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
53045 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
53047 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
53049 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
53051 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
53052 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
53054 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
53055 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
53056 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
53057 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
53058 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
53060 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
53061 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
53062 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
53063 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
53064 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
53065 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
53066 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
53067 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
53068 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
53069 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
53070 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
53073 To use violence is to already be defeated.
53076 "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
53078 To whom the mornings are like nights,
53079 What must the midnights be!
53080 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
53082 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
53083 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
53084 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
53085 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
53086 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
53087 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
53088 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
53089 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
53090 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
53091 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
53092 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
53093 and choose more docile words to take its part.
53094 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
53095 by making love directly to the brain.
53097 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
53100 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
53101 That from the devil does proceed;
53102 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
53103 And makes a chimney of your nose.
53107 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
53109 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
53110 Read someone else's mail file.
53112 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
53114 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
53116 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
53118 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
53120 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
53122 Today is the last day of your life so far.
53124 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
53126 Today is what happened to yesterday.
53128 "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
53129 except in major motion pictures."
53130 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
53132 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
53133 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
53136 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
53138 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
53140 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
53141 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
53143 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
53144 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
53145 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
53148 Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
53149 -- Hunter S. Thompson
53151 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
53154 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
53155 creating endless annoyance to male users.
53156 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
53158 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
53161 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
53162 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
53164 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
53166 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
53168 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
53171 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
53173 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
53174 Don't forget to leave a tip.
53176 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
53178 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
53179 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
53181 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
53182 driving cabs and cutting hair.
53185 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
53186 real fast and freak everybody out.
53187 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
53189 Too clever is dumb.
53192 Too cool to calypso,
53193 Too tough to tango,
53194 Too weird to watusi
53198 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
53199 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
53200 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
53201 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
53202 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
53204 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
53205 They seem more afraid of life than death.
53208 Too much is just enough.
53209 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
53211 Too much is not enough.
53213 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
53216 Too much of everything is just enough.
53219 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
53221 -- Governor Jerry Brown
53223 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
53224 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
53225 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
53227 [Once is too often. Ed.]
53229 Too ripped. Gotta go.
53231 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
53233 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
53235 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
53236 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
53237 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
53238 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
53239 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
53240 assurance people in its wake.
53241 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
53242 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
53243 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
53244 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
53245 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
53246 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
53247 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
53249 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
53250 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
53252 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
53253 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
53254 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
53259 Follow these simple suggestions:
53261 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
53262 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
53263 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
53265 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
53266 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
53268 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
53270 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
53272 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
53273 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
53274 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
53276 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
53278 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
53279 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
53280 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
53281 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
53282 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
53283 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
53285 Topologists are just plane folks.
53286 Pilots are just plane folks.
53287 Carpenters are just plane folks.
53288 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
53289 Musicians are just playin' folks.
53290 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
53291 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
53295 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
53297 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
53298 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
53300 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
53301 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
53303 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
53304 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
53307 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
53308 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
53311 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
53314 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
53317 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
53320 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
53321 "It's there, but you can't see it"
53322 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
53325 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
53326 "I can see it, but it's not there."
53330 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
53332 Trap full -- please empty.
53335 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
53337 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
53339 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
53342 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
53343 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
53344 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
53345 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
53346 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
53347 for a short spell?"
53349 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
53352 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
53353 -- Charles DeGaulle
53355 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
53358 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
53360 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
53362 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
53363 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
53364 a brand new series of three.
53366 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
53367 in eucalyptus trees.
53369 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
53371 True happiness will be found only in true love.
53373 True leadership is the art of changing
53374 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
53377 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
53378 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
53381 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
53384 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
53385 -- Norman Augustine
53387 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
53388 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
53390 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
53394 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
53397 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
53399 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
53400 and get as much as you can in your own name.
53403 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
53405 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
53406 -- Albert Schweitzer
53408 Truth is free, but information costs.
53410 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
53412 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
53414 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
53417 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
53418 of him that brought her birth.
53421 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
53424 Dumb and illiterate.
53425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53429 Try not to have a good time ...
53430 This is supposed to be educational.
53438 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
53440 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
53442 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
53444 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
53446 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
53447 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
53448 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
53449 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
53450 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
53453 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
53455 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
53457 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
53458 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
53460 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
53462 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
53463 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
53465 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
53468 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
53470 Trying to get an education here is like
53471 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
53474 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
53476 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
53478 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
53480 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
53483 Turn the other cheek.
53487 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
53491 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
53493 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
53494 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53496 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
53497 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
53500 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
53501 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
53502 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
53503 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
53504 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
53505 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
53506 Long time the folsom foe he sought
53507 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
53508 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
53509 Came whippany through the englewood,
53510 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
53512 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
53513 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
53514 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
53515 He caldwell in his joy.
53516 Did mahwah into patterson:
53517 All jersey were the ocean groves,
53518 And the red bank bayonne.
53521 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53522 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
53523 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
53524 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
53525 Beware the Jubjub bird,
53526 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
53527 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
53528 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
53529 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
53530 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
53531 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
53533 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
53534 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
53535 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
53536 He chortled in his joy.
53537 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53538 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
53539 All mimsy were the borogroves
53540 And the mome raths outgrabe.
53541 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
53543 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
53544 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
53545 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
53546 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
53547 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
53548 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
53549 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
53550 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
53551 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
53552 Came waffling with the truth too good,
53553 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
53555 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
53556 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
53557 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
53558 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
53559 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
53560 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
53561 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
53562 And mammon's wrath them bash!
53563 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
53565 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
53566 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
53567 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
53568 And Cory raths outgrabe.
53570 "Beware the software rot, my son!
53571 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
53572 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
53573 The frumious system crash!"
53575 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
53576 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
53577 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
53578 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
53580 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
53581 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
53582 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
53583 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
53585 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
53586 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
53587 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
53588 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
53589 -- Midnight On The Ocean
53591 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
53592 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
53593 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
53594 A satellite spotted him making his way.
53595 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
53596 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
53597 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
53598 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
53599 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
53600 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
53601 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
53602 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
53603 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
53604 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
53605 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
53606 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
53607 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
53608 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
53609 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
53610 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
53611 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
53612 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
53613 So after a trillion or two had been spent
53614 The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
53615 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
53616 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
53618 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
53619 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
53620 throughout our place of residence,
53621 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
53622 possessors of this potential, including that
53623 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
53624 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
53625 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
53626 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
53627 imminent visitation from an eccentric
53628 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
53629 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
53631 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
53634 Twenty two thousand days.
53635 Twenty two thousand days.
53637 It's all you've got.
53638 Twenty two thousand days.
53639 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
53641 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
53642 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
53643 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
53644 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
53645 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
53646 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
53647 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
53648 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
53649 collision course with that ship.
53650 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
53651 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
53652 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
53653 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
53655 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
53656 course 20 degrees."
53657 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
53658 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
53659 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
53661 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
53663 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
53666 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
53668 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
53669 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
53670 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
53671 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
53672 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
53673 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
53674 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
53677 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
53678 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
53679 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
53680 knows when to stop."
53682 Two heads are better than one.
53685 Two heads are more numerous than one.
53687 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
53688 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
53689 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
53690 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
53691 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
53692 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
53693 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
53694 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
53695 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
53696 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
53697 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
53699 Two is company, three is an orgy.
53701 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
53703 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
53704 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
53705 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
53706 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
53707 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
53708 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
53709 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
53711 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
53712 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
53713 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
53714 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
53716 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
53717 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
53718 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
53719 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
53720 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
53721 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
53722 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
53723 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
53725 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
53727 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
53728 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
53729 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
53730 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
53731 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
53733 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
53734 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
53736 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
53738 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
53740 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
53742 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
53743 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
53744 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
53746 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
53747 I forget the second.
53749 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
53750 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
53751 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
53752 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
53753 toasts him, "Skoal!"
53754 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
53755 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
53757 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
53760 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
53763 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
53765 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
53766 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
53767 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
53768 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
53770 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
53771 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
53772 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
53773 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
53775 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
53776 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
53777 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
53778 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
53780 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
53781 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
53782 In the well of sanguine woe?
53783 In what clay & in what mould
53784 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
53785 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
53787 Type louder, please.
53789 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
53790 Run right up and rub its horn.
53791 Look at all those points you're losing!
53792 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
53793 -- The Roguelet's ABC
53795 "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
53797 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
53798 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
53800 Udall's Fourth Law:
53801 Any change or reform you make
53802 is going to have consequences you don't like.
53804 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
53806 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
53807 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
53808 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
53809 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
53811 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
53812 Sorry for the confusion.
53813 -- Sun Microsystems
53815 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
53816 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
53817 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
53818 coughing and drops dead.
53819 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
53821 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
53823 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
53825 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
53827 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
53828 Never use your thumb for a rule.
53829 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
53831 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
53832 just man is also in prison.
53833 -- Henry David Thoreau
53835 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
53836 ordinance under which you can be booked.
53837 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
53839 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
53840 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
53843 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
53844 If you want something, it can wait.
53845 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
53847 Under every stone lurks a politician.
53850 Under the wide and heavy VAX
53851 Dig my grave and let me relax
53852 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
53853 And I lay me down with a will.
53854 These be the words that tell the way:
53855 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
53856 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
53857 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
53859 Under the wide and starry sky,
53860 Dig my grave and let me lie,
53861 Glad did I live and gladly die,
53862 And laid me down with a will,
53863 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
53864 Here he lies where he longed to be,
53865 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
53866 And the hunter home from the hill.
53869 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
53870 Superiority is recessive.
53873 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
53874 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
53875 basis of your own internal model instead.
53877 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
53878 in relation to a bigger problem.
53881 Unfair animal names:
53883 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
53884 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
53885 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
53888 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
53889 Selling cheaper than we do.
53891 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
53892 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
53893 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
53894 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
53897 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
53901 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
53903 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
53904 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
53905 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
53906 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
53907 low over the world.
53913 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
53914 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
53917 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53918 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
53919 you how to fix it, and...
53921 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
53922 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
53925 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53926 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
53929 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
53932 UNIX enhancements aren't.
53934 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
53935 of more feet, just to be sure.
53939 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
53941 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
53942 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
53943 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
53944 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
53945 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
53947 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
53949 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
53952 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
53953 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
53954 -- Michael Jay Tucker
53956 UNIX is many things to many people,
53957 but it's never been everything to anybody.
53959 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
53963 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
53964 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
53965 with the workstation harem.
53967 unix soit qui mal y pense
53969 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
53970 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
53973 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
53974 would also stop you from doing clever things.
53977 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
53979 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
53980 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
53981 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
53982 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
53984 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
53985 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
53986 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
53987 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
53989 -- William Shakespeare
53991 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
53995 If it happens, it must be possible.
53997 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
53998 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
54001 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
54002 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
54005 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
54009 What you left out on April 15th.
54011 Up against the net, redneck mother,
54012 Mother who has raised your son so well;
54013 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
54014 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
54016 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
54017 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
54018 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
54019 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
54021 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
54023 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
54025 Use a pun, go to jail.
54027 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
54028 -- KFOG, San Francisco
54030 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
54031 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
54034 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
54035 more labor and less oratory.
54041 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
54044 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
54045 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
54047 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
54048 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
54050 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
54051 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
54052 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
54053 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University.
54055 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
54058 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
54059 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
54060 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
54061 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
54063 I always hated those adventure games.
54066 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
54071 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
54072 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
54074 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
54075 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
54079 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
54080 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
54081 life-style to recuperate.
54083 Vail's Second Axiom:
54084 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
54085 amount of work already completed.
54087 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
54088 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
54092 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
54095 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
54098 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
54101 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
54102 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
54103 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
54104 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
54105 and sour won ton soup.
54107 Variables don't; constants aren't.
54111 Vegetables are what food eats.
54112 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
54113 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
54114 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
54115 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
54117 Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
54119 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
54120 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
54121 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
54126 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
54128 Verba volant, scripta manent!
54130 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
54133 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
54134 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
54138 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
54140 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
54141 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
54142 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
54143 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
54144 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
54145 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
54146 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
54147 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
54148 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
54149 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
54150 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
54151 is presumably working on it.
54153 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
54154 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
54157 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
54160 A hungry dog hunts best.
54161 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
54163 Decreased business base increases overhead.
54164 So does increased business base.
54166 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
54167 is fifth grade arithmetic.
54169 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
54170 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
54172 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
54173 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
54174 -- Norman Augustine
54176 Victory uber allies!
54179 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
54180 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
54181 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
54182 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
54183 in the 9th century.
54185 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
54186 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
54189 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
54190 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
54191 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
54194 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
54195 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
54197 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
54198 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
54199 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
54200 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
54202 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
54204 Violence is molding.
54206 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
54209 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
54210 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
54211 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
54212 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
54213 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
54214 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
54218 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
54219 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
54221 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
54224 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54225 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
54226 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
54227 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
54229 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
54230 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
54231 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
54232 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
54233 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
54234 that old underwear you own.
54236 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
54238 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
54239 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
54242 Virtue is its own punishment.
54245 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
54248 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
54249 He who practices it will have neighbors.
54252 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
54253 -- La Rochefoucauld
54255 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
54257 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
54259 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
54260 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
54262 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
54263 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
54265 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
54267 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
54270 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
54272 VMS version 2.0 ==>
54280 A mountain with hiccups.
54282 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
54283 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
54284 And to him who's scientific
54285 There is nothing that's terrific
54286 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
54287 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
54290 It is better to have lobbed and lost
54291 than never to have lobbed at all.
54293 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
54294 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
54295 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
54296 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
54297 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
54298 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
54302 Vote early and vote often.
54303 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
54304 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
54306 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
54310 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
54312 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
54314 Wad some power the giftie gie us
54315 To see oursels as others see us.
54318 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
54321 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
54324 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
54325 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
54326 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
54327 (Waiter exits, returns)
54328 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
54330 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
54331 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
54332 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
54333 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
54335 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
54336 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
54337 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
54338 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
54340 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
54341 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
54342 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
54343 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
54344 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
54346 Wake up and smell the coffee.
54349 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
54350 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
54352 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
54353 -- Theodore Roosevelt
54355 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
54357 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
54360 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
54361 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics.
54362 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
54364 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
54365 Garp: Gradual school?
54366 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
54368 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
54369 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
54370 -- The World According To Garp
54373 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
54374 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
54375 on a plane that left Gate 1.
54379 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
54380 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
54381 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
54382 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
54383 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
54385 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
54386 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
54387 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
54388 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
54389 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
54391 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
54393 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
54394 -- Charles Edward Montague
54396 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
54398 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
54399 -- Desiderius Erasmus
54401 War is like love, it always finds a way.
54402 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
54404 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
54407 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
54409 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
54413 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
54414 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
54415 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
54416 of your favorite war.
54419 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
54420 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
54421 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
54422 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
54423 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
54424 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
54425 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
54426 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
54427 things to the terminal.
54429 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
54431 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
54432 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
54434 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
54436 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
54437 Survivors will be shot again.
54440 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
54442 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
54443 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
54444 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
54445 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
54446 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
54447 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
54448 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
54450 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
54452 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
54454 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
54455 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
54456 There was a time they could cry over books,
54457 But time has set its maggot on their track.
54458 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
54459 What's never known is safest in this life.
54460 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
54461 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
54462 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
54463 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
54465 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
54467 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
54469 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
54472 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
54473 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
54474 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
54476 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
54477 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
54479 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
54482 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
54484 Wasting time is an important part of living.
54486 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
54488 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
54491 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
54495 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
54498 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
54499 number and significance of any persons watching it.
54502 The single most important word in the world.
54504 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
54505 when it's necessary to compromise.
54508 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
54509 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
54512 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
54514 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
54516 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
54518 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
54519 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
54521 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
54522 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
54524 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
54525 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
54526 is that it is not crazy enough.
54529 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
54530 before we are fit to participate in society.
54531 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
54534 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
54536 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
54539 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
54541 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
54544 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
54547 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
54548 -- Winston Churchill
54550 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
54553 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
54554 -- Whole Earth Catalog
54556 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
54557 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
54559 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
54560 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
54562 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
54564 -- Patrick Moynihan
54566 We are each only one drop in a great
54567 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
54569 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
54571 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
54572 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
54575 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
54576 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
54577 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
54580 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
54581 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54583 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
54584 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
54586 We are not a clone.
54588 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
54593 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
54594 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
54597 "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
54599 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
54601 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
54602 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
54606 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
54608 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
54611 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
54612 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
54614 This is a recording.
54616 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
54617 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
54618 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
54619 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
54620 the substance that cast them.
54622 We are the people our parents warned us about.
54624 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
54625 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
54626 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
54628 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
54629 The order is not insignificant.
54630 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54632 "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
54633 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
54635 We are what we are.
54637 We are what we pretend to be.
54638 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
54640 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
54642 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
54645 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
54646 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
54647 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
54649 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
54650 -- Sir Francis Bacon
54652 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
54655 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
54656 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
54657 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
54659 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
54662 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
54663 feet and go skating.
54664 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
54666 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
54667 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
54668 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
54669 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
54670 beautiful Universe, Our home.
54671 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
54673 "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
54676 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
54677 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
54679 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
54681 We don't care how they do it in New York.
54683 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
54684 -- James Watt, noted theologian
54686 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
54688 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
54690 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
54691 that it wasn't a fish.
54692 -- Marshall McLuhan
54694 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
54695 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
54697 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
54700 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
54701 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
54702 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
54703 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
54705 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
54707 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
54708 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
54709 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
54710 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
54712 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
54714 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
54716 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
54719 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
54720 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
54722 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
54723 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
54724 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
54728 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
54729 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
54731 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
54732 -- La Rochefoucauld
54734 We gotta get out of this place,
54735 If it's the last thing we ever do.
54738 "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
54739 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
54740 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
54741 our grave singing Halleluja ..."
54744 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
54746 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
54749 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
54751 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
54752 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
54753 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
54754 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
54755 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
54756 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
54757 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
54758 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
54759 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
54761 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
54764 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
54767 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
54768 than from the machinations of the wicked.
54770 We have no scorched earth policy.
54771 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
54772 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
54774 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
54777 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
54780 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
54781 back to normal, and that they already have.
54783 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
54786 "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
54787 hands for masturbation."
54790 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
54792 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
54793 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
54794 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
54795 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
54796 said "ELECTROCUTION".
54798 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
54799 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
54800 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
54801 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
54802 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
54803 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
54804 floor, which is how the police would find you.
54806 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
54807 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
54809 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
54811 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
54812 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
54814 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
54815 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
54816 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
54817 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
54818 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
54819 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
54820 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
54821 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
54822 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
54823 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
54824 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
54825 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
54826 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
54827 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
54828 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
54829 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
54831 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
54832 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
54833 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
54834 to crave knowledge.
54837 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
54838 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
54839 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
54840 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
54841 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
54842 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
54843 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
54844 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
54845 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
54846 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
54847 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
54848 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
54850 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
54853 We love our little Johnny
54854 He's the best little boy in all the world
54855 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
54856 That's how much we love him.
54857 No, we couldn't live without him
54858 So that's why, since he died,
54859 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
54860 He's so good, so well-behaved,
54861 Even better than before;
54862 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
54863 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
54864 Never miss our little Johnny,
54865 He'll never grow up and leave us
54866 That's why we love him like we do.
54869 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
54870 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
54871 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
54872 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
54875 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
54879 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
54880 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
54881 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
54882 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
54883 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
54887 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
54888 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
54889 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
54890 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
54891 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
54892 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
54893 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
54894 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
54895 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
54896 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
54897 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
54898 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
54900 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
54902 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
54903 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
54904 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
54905 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
54906 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
54907 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
54909 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
54910 but we always respect their good judgement.
54912 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
54913 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
54914 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
54915 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
54916 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
54917 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
54918 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
54919 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
54920 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
54922 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
54923 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
54926 We must die because we have known them.
54927 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
54929 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
54930 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
54931 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
54932 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
54934 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
54935 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
54936 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
54937 "Stalin," published London, 1939
54939 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
54940 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
54941 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
54943 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
54945 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
54946 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
54947 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
54950 We must remember the First Amendment which
54951 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
54952 -- F. G. Withington
54954 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
54955 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
54957 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54959 We only acknowledge small faults in order
54960 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
54961 -- LaRouchefoucauld
54963 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
54964 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
54965 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
54966 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
54967 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
54968 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
54969 ugly paneling is to begin with.
54970 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
54972 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
54973 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
54974 forgotten its source.
54975 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
54977 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
54978 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
54980 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
54982 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
54983 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
54984 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
54986 We read to say that we have read.
54988 We really don't have any enemies.
54989 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
54991 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
54994 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
54995 Only non-sense attains perfection.
54996 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54998 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
54999 -- Jean de la Bruyere
55001 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
55002 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
55003 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
55004 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
55007 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
55008 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
55012 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
55013 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
55017 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
55018 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
55021 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
55024 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
55025 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
55026 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
55027 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
55028 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
55029 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
55030 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
55031 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
55032 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
55033 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
55035 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
55036 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
55037 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
55039 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
55040 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
55041 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
55042 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
55045 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55046 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55047 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55048 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55051 ------------------- -------------------------
55052 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
55053 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
55054 Moody Manic-depressive
55055 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
55056 Poet Boring manic-depressive
55057 Sultry/Sensual Easy
55058 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
55059 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
55060 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
55061 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
55062 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
55063 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
55065 Aging child Self-centered adult
55066 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
55067 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
55069 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55070 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55071 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55072 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55075 ------------------- -------------------------
55076 Independent thinker Crazy
55077 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
55078 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
55079 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
55080 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
55082 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
55083 Big and beautiful Really Fat
55084 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
55085 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
55087 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
55088 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
55089 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
55090 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
55092 We totally deny the allegations, and
55093 we're trying to identify the allegators.
55095 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
55096 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
55097 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
55098 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
55100 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
55103 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
55104 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
55105 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
55107 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
55108 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
55109 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
55110 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
55111 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
55112 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
55113 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
55114 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
55117 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
55118 were married for four and a half years.
55121 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
55123 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
55124 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
55127 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
55128 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
55129 French restaurant. [...]
55130 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
55131 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
55132 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
55133 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
55134 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
55135 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
55136 "Stop the car," the girl said.
55137 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
55138 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
55139 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
55140 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
55142 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
55143 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
55144 onto my granola and faced a new day.
55145 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
55148 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
55149 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
55153 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
55154 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
55156 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
55157 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
55158 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
55159 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
55160 in the end a summer with wild winds &
55161 new friends will be.
55163 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55164 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55165 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55166 And a Sun Myung Moon!
55170 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
55172 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
55176 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
55177 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
55181 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
55184 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
55185 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
55186 least interested and say nothing about the other.
55188 Weekend, where are you?
55191 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
55194 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
55195 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
55196 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
55197 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
55199 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
55200 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
55202 Weinberg's First Law:
55203 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
55205 Weinberg's Principle:
55206 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
55207 on to the grand fallacy.
55209 Weinberg's Second Law:
55210 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
55211 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
55214 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
55215 There are no answers, only cross references.
55217 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
55218 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
55219 -- Dean McLaughlin.
55221 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
55233 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
55234 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
55235 -- Garrison Keillor
55237 Welcome to the Zoo!
55239 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
55240 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
55241 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
55242 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
55243 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
55244 the reader! For example, the sentence
55246 Jane went to the store to buy bread
55248 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
55249 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
55250 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
55251 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
55252 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
55253 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
55254 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
55255 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
55258 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
55260 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
55261 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
55262 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
55263 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
55264 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
55265 *thousands* of words to say it.
55266 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
55267 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
55268 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
55269 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
55270 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
55272 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
55273 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
55274 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
55275 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
55277 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
55278 nature and will kill you.
55279 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
55282 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
55283 night. Live, on the Death label.
55284 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
55286 Well begun is half done.
55289 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
55290 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
55294 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
55296 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
55298 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
55299 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
55300 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
55301 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
55302 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
55303 per hour, December 7, 1941.
55305 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
55306 Might as well have put it down the drain.
55307 Fancy giving money to the Government!
55308 Nobody will see the stuff again.
55309 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
55310 Ten to one they'll start another war.
55311 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
55312 Fancy giving money to the Government!
55315 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
55317 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
55318 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
55321 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
55322 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
55323 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
55324 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
55325 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
55326 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
55327 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
55328 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
55329 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
55330 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
55331 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
55332 the entire show without answering a single question ...
55333 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
55335 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
55336 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
55337 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
55338 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
55339 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
55340 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
55341 When along came a senorita,
55342 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
55343 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
55344 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
55345 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
55346 Grow some funk of your own.
55347 We no like to with the gringo fight,
55348 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
55350 Take my advice, take the next flight,
55351 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
55352 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
55354 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
55355 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
55356 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
55357 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
55358 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
55360 "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
55362 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
55364 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
55367 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
55369 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55371 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
55373 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
55375 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
55376 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
55377 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
55379 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
55380 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
55381 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
55382 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
55383 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
55384 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
55386 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
55387 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
55388 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
55389 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
55390 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
55391 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
55392 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
55393 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
55394 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
55396 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
55397 From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
55398 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
55399 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
55401 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
55402 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
55403 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
55404 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55406 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
55407 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
55408 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
55409 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55411 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
55412 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
55413 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
55414 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55415 -- Core Dumped Blues
55417 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
55418 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
55419 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
55422 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
55424 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
55425 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
55426 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
55427 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
55429 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
55431 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
55433 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
55434 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
55437 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
55440 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
55441 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
55444 Well, we'll really have a party,
55445 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
55446 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
55448 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
55449 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
55450 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
55451 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
55453 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
55454 And we're loved everywhere we go.
55455 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
55456 At ten thousand dollars a show.
55457 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
55458 But the thrill we've never known,
55459 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55460 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55462 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
55463 Who embroiders on my jeans.
55464 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
55465 Drivin' my limousine.
55466 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
55467 But our minds won't be really be blown;
55468 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55469 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55471 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
55472 Who'll do anything we say.
55473 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
55474 We got all the friends that money can buy,
55475 So we never have to be alone.
55476 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
55477 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55478 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
55479 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
55481 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
55482 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
55485 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
55506 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
55507 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
55508 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
55510 We're all in this alone.
55513 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
55514 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
55515 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
55516 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
55517 it's not going to do anything for you.
55518 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
55520 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
55521 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
55522 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
55523 in his bowl full of jelly.
55524 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
55526 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
55527 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
55528 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
55529 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
55531 We're happy little Vegemites,
55532 As bright as bright can be.
55533 We all enjoy our Vegemite
55534 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
55536 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
55537 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
55538 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
55540 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
55542 We're Knights of the Round Table
55543 We dance whene'er we're able
55544 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
55545 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
55546 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
55547 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
55548 That are quite unsingable
55549 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
55550 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
55553 And impersonate Clark Gable
55554 It's a busy life in Camelot.
55555 I have to push the pram a lot.
55558 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
55559 -- D. W. Robertson.
55561 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
55562 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
55563 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
55566 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
55567 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
55568 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
55569 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
55570 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
55571 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
55572 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
55573 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
55576 We're only in it for the volume.
55579 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
55582 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
55584 Westheimer's Discovery:
55585 A couple of months in the laboratory can
55586 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
55589 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
55591 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
55592 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
55593 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
55596 We've tried each spinning space mote
55597 And reckoned its true worth:
55598 Take us back again to the homes of men
55599 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
55601 The arching sky is calling
55602 Spacemen back to their trade.
55603 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
55604 And the lights below us fade.
55605 Out ride the sons of Terra,
55606 Far drives the thundering jet,
55607 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
55608 Out, far, and onward yet--
55610 We pray for one last landing
55611 On the globe that gave us birth;
55612 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
55613 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
55614 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
55616 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
55621 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
55622 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
55623 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
55624 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
55626 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
55627 understand what a misfortune it is.
55628 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
55630 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
55631 -- WOP, "War Games"
55633 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
55636 What an artist dies with me!
55639 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
55643 "What are we going to do?"
55645 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
55646 something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
55647 short initiation period."
55649 What awful irony is this?
55650 We are as gods, but know it not.
55652 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
55654 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
55656 What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
55657 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
55658 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
55659 Can only be carried on one man's back.
55660 -- Louden Wainwright III
55662 What did you bring that book I didn't want
55663 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
55665 What did you do when the ship sank?
55666 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
55668 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
55669 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
55670 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
55671 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
55672 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
55673 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
55675 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
55678 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
55681 What does education often do?
55682 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
55683 -- Henry David Thoreau
55685 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
55687 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
55688 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
55689 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
55690 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
55691 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
55692 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
55693 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
55694 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
55695 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
55696 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
55697 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
55698 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
55699 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
55700 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
55701 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
55702 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
55704 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
55707 What ever happened to happily ever after?
55709 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
55712 What foods these morsels be!
55714 What fools these morals be!
55716 What fools these mortals be.
55717 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55719 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
55721 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
55723 "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
55724 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
55725 country. Nice try anyway, George."
55726 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
55728 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
55729 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
55731 What good is a ticket to the good life,
55732 if you can't find the entrance?
55734 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
55735 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
55737 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
55740 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
55741 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
55743 What happened last night can happen again.
55745 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
55746 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
55750 What happens to a dream deferred?
55752 Like a raisin in the sun?
55753 Or fester like a sore --
55755 Does it stink like rotten meat?
55756 Or crust and sugar over --
55757 Like a syrupy sweet?
55762 Or does it explode?
55765 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
55767 What has roots as nobody sees,
55768 Is taller than trees,
55770 And yet never grows?
55772 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
55773 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
55774 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
55775 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
55776 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
55777 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
55778 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
55779 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
55780 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
55781 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
55782 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
55783 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
55784 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
55785 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
55786 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
55787 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
55789 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
55790 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
55791 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
55792 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55794 What I tell you three times is true.
55797 "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
55798 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
55799 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
55800 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
55802 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55804 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
55806 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
55807 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
55808 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55810 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
55811 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
55812 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55814 What if there had been room at the inn?
55815 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
55817 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
55820 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
55821 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
55822 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
55823 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
55825 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
55826 2. We may not change our programming tools.
55827 3. We may not change our hardware.
55828 4. We may not change our tasks.
55829 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
55830 in which the work has to be done.
55832 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
55833 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
55835 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
55837 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
55840 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
55844 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
55845 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
55847 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
55848 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
55849 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
55850 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
55851 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
55852 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
55853 all the weak: Christianity.
55854 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55856 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
55857 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
55859 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
55861 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
55863 -- Charles Baudelaire
55865 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
55868 What is mind? No matter.
55869 What is matter? Never mind.
55870 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
55872 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
55875 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
55878 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
55879 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
55882 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
55885 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
55888 Uh, that still ain't right...
55889 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
55890 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
55891 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
55893 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
55894 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
55895 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
55897 "What is the Nature of God?"
55899 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
55903 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
55905 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
55908 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
55911 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
55913 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
55914 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
55915 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
55916 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
55918 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
55919 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
55920 is the first law of nature.
55923 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
55924 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
55925 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
55926 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
55927 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
55928 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
55929 British civilian morale, 1939
55931 "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
55932 which is the exact opposite."
55933 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
55935 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
55937 "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
55938 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
55940 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
55941 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
55944 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
55947 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
55948 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
55950 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
55951 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
55953 What makes you think graduate school
55954 is supposed to be satisfying?
55955 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
55957 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
55959 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
55960 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
55962 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
55963 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
55966 What on earth would a man do with himself
55967 if something did not stand in his way?
55970 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
55973 What one fool can do, another can.
55974 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
55976 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
55978 What pains others pleasures me,
55979 At home am I in Lisp or C;
55980 There i couch in ecstasy,
55981 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
55982 Into kernel memory.
55983 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
55984 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
55986 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
55987 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
55989 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
55990 more than man's transparency.
55993 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
55994 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
55995 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
55996 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
55997 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
55998 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
55999 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
56002 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
56003 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
56004 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
56005 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
56006 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
56007 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
56008 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
56009 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
56010 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
56011 their grasp before they were five years old.
56012 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
56014 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
56015 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
56017 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
56020 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
56021 On FHA0, is sleeping?
56022 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
56023 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
56024 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56025 The file, the highseg of login.
56026 Why lies it here, on public disk
56027 And why is it now unprotected?
56028 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
56029 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
56030 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56031 The file, the highseg of login.
56034 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
56036 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
56039 What, still alive at twenty-two,
56040 A clean upstanding chap like you?
56041 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
56042 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
56043 Like enough, you won't be glad,
56044 When they come to hang you, lad:
56045 But bacon's not the only thing
56046 That's cured by hanging from a string.
56047 So, when the spilt ink of the night
56048 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
56049 Lads whose job is still to do
56050 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
56053 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
56054 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
56055 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
56057 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
56059 What the hell is it good for?
56060 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
56061 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
56062 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
56064 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
56066 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
56067 -- Nikita Khruschev
56069 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
56074 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
56075 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
56076 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
56077 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
56078 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
56080 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
56081 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
56082 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
56083 a long way with his skills."
56084 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
56085 "You won't find many people like her."
56086 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
56087 "I cannot reccommend him too highly."
56088 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
56089 felony in my presence.)
56094 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
56096 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
56097 "Her input was always critical."
56098 (She never had a good word to say.)
56099 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
56100 (And it's nonexistent.)
56101 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
56102 already has so many outstanding members."
56103 (Unless you already have a moron.)
56104 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
56105 one unbelievable result after another."
56106 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
56107 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
56108 (In fact, to life in general...)
56113 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
56114 (We certainly never succeeded.)
56115 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
56116 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
56117 "Success will never spoil him."
56118 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
56119 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
56120 (And such a sigh of relief.)
56121 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
56122 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
56123 (And his IQ, as well.)
56124 "He should go far."
56125 (The farther the better.)
56126 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
56127 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
56129 What they say: What they mean:
56131 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
56132 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
56133 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
56134 to unforseen difficulties
56135 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
56136 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
56137 assured grateful for anything at all.
56138 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
56139 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
56140 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
56142 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
56143 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
56144 approach kicking it around.
56145 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
56147 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
56149 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
56151 What they say: What they mean:
56153 New Different colors from previous version.
56154 All New Not compatible with previous version.
56155 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
56156 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
56157 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
56158 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
56159 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
56160 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
56161 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
56162 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
56163 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
56164 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
56165 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
56166 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
56167 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
56168 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
56169 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
56170 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
56172 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
56174 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
56176 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
56178 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
56180 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
56183 I don't know, it keeps changing.
56185 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
56186 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
56189 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
56190 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
56192 What we Are is God's give to us.
56193 What we Become is our gift to God.
56195 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
56198 What we do not understand we do not possess.
56201 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
56202 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
56203 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
56204 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
56205 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
56206 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
56207 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
56208 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56210 What we need is either less corruption,
56211 or more chance to participate in it.
56213 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
56216 What we wish, that we readily believe.
56219 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
56220 2038 does not bear thinking about.
56223 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
56225 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
56227 What you don't know won't help you much either.
56230 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
56231 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
56232 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
56233 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
56235 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
56237 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
56238 something to occur to you.
56241 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56242 referring to AST's.]
56244 Whatever became of eternal truth?
56246 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
56247 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
56248 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
56249 shredding hundred dollar bills."
56252 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
56254 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
56256 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
56260 Whatever happened to the good old days
56261 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
56263 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
56265 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
56267 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
56268 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
56269 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
56271 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
56272 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
56274 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
56275 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56277 "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
56281 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
56282 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
56283 -- Charlotte Whitton
56285 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
56286 but it is very important that you do it.
56289 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
56291 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
56293 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
56295 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
56298 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
56300 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
56303 What's done to children, they will do to society.
56305 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
56306 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
56310 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
56311 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
56312 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56314 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56315 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56316 Some say your nose,
56317 Some say your toes,
56318 But I think it's your mind.
56319 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
56321 "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
56324 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
56325 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
56327 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
56328 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
56331 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
56333 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
56335 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
56336 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
56339 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
56342 When a girl can read the handwriting on
56343 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
56345 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
56346 inattentions of one.
56349 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
56350 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
56351 -- George Bernard Shaw
56353 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
56354 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
56355 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
56357 When a man assumes a public trust, he
56358 should consider himself as public property.
56359 -- Thomas Jefferson
56361 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
56364 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
56365 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
56368 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
56369 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
56370 hour. That's relativity.
56373 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
56377 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
56378 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
56379 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
56380 liar who has broken his promises.
56383 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
56385 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
56386 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
56387 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
56388 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
56390 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
56391 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
56392 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
56393 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
56395 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
56396 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
56399 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
56400 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
56403 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
56404 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
56406 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
56407 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
56408 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
56409 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
56410 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
56411 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
56412 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
56413 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
56414 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
56415 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
56416 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
56417 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
56418 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
56420 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
56421 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
56422 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
56425 When all else fails, EAT!!!
56427 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
56428 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
56430 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
56432 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
56434 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
56436 When among apes, one must play the ape.
56438 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
56441 "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
56442 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
56445 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
56446 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
56448 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
56449 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
56450 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
56452 When asked the definition of "pi":
56454 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
56455 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
56457 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
56461 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
56463 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
56466 When choosing between two evils, I always
56467 like to take the one I've never tried before.
56468 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
56470 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
56471 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
56474 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
56476 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
56477 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
56478 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
56479 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
56480 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
56481 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
56484 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
56486 When does later become never?
56488 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
56489 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
56491 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
56494 When forecasting, give them a number
56495 or give them a date, but never both.
56497 When God endowed human beings with brains,
56498 He did not intend to guarantee them.
56500 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
56501 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
56504 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
56505 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
56506 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
56507 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
56508 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
56509 himself to destruction.
56512 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
56513 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
56516 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
56517 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
56518 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
56520 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
56522 like my grandfather.
56525 like the passengers in his car...
56527 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
56528 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
56529 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
56530 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
56531 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
56532 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
56533 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
56535 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
56536 and a willingness to compromise.
56537 -- Weber cartoon caption
56539 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
56540 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
56543 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
56544 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
56545 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
56547 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
56548 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
56549 what you like now."
56552 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
56553 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
56554 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
56556 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
56557 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
56558 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
56559 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
56561 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
56563 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
56564 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
56566 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
56567 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
56570 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
56571 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
56573 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
56575 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
56576 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
56579 When I think about myself,
56580 I almost laugh myself to death,
56581 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
56582 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
56583 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
56584 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
56585 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
56586 I laugh until my stomach ache,
56587 When I think about myself.
56588 My folks can make me split my side,
56589 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
56590 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
56591 They grow the fruit,
56593 I laugh until I start to crying,
56594 When I think about my folks.
56597 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
56598 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
56600 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
56601 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
56604 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
56605 I was an only child... eventually.
56608 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
56609 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
56613 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
56614 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
56615 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
56618 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
56619 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
56622 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
56623 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
56626 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
56628 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
56629 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
56630 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56632 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
56633 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
56635 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
56636 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
56639 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
56640 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56642 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
56643 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
56644 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
56645 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
56646 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
56647 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
56648 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
56649 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
56650 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
56651 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
56653 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
56654 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
56657 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
56658 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
56659 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
56660 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
56663 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
56664 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
56667 When I works, I works hard.
56668 When I sits, I sits easy.
56669 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
56671 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
56672 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
56673 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
56674 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
56675 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
56676 questions like a senator.
56679 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
56682 When in charge ponder,
56683 When in doubt mumble,
56684 When in trouble delegate.
56686 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
56687 to apologize than to get permission.
56688 -- Grace Murray Hopper
56690 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
56692 When in doubt, follow your heart.
56694 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
56695 -- Raymond Chandler
56697 When in doubt, lead trump.
56699 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
56702 When in doubt, tell the truth.
56705 When in doubt, use brute force.
56708 When in panic, fear and doubt,
56709 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
56711 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
56714 When in this world the headlines read
56715 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
56716 Who rob and steal from those who need
56717 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56718 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56719 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
56720 Fighting all who rob or plunder
56721 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
56725 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
56727 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
56728 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
56730 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
56732 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
56733 it is necessary not to make a decision.
56735 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
56736 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
56738 When license fees are too high,
56739 users do things by hand.
56740 When the management is too intrusive,
56741 users lose their spirit.
56743 Hack for the user's benefit.
56744 Trust them; leave them alone.
56746 When love is gone, there's always justice.
56747 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
56748 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
56752 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
56753 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
56755 When Marriage is Outlawed,
56756 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
56758 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
56761 When my brain begins to reel from my
56762 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
56765 When my fist clenches crack it open,
56766 Before I use it and lose my cool.
56767 When I smile tell me some bad news,
56768 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
56770 And if I swallow anything evil,
56771 Put you finger down my throat.
56772 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
56773 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
56775 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
56778 No one knows what its like to be hated,
56780 To telling only lies.
56783 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
56784 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
56785 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
56786 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
56787 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
56788 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
56789 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
56790 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
56791 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
56792 most unlikely of situations.
56793 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
56795 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
56796 touched, the majority of men live content.
56797 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
56799 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
56801 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
56804 When one knows women one pities men,
56805 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
56808 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
56809 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56811 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
56812 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
56814 -- Louise Andrews Kent
56816 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
56817 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
56818 And Oxygen still had none
56819 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
56820 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
56821 Called because of rain.
56823 When people have trouble communicating,
56824 the least they can do is to shut up.
56827 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
56829 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
56831 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
56832 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
56833 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
56835 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
56836 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
56837 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
56838 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
56839 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
56840 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
56841 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
56842 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
56844 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
56845 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
56846 is away and you get twice as much done.
56849 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
56850 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56852 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
56853 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
56855 When some people discover the truth, they just
56856 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
56858 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
56859 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
56860 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
56861 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
56862 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
56863 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
56865 For might makes right, Members of the corps
56866 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
56867 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
56869 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
56870 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
56871 We only want the world to know
56872 That we support the status quo;
56873 They love us everywhere we go,
56874 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
56875 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
56877 When someone says "I want a programming language in
56878 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
56880 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
56883 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
56885 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
56886 of asterisked sentences:
56888 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
56889 And costs less than $1,300.**
56891 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
56893 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
56894 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
56895 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
56896 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
56897 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
56899 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
56900 you really want to. Or less.
56903 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
56906 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
56909 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
56912 When the candles are out all women are fair.
56915 When the cup is full, carry it level.
56917 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
56918 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
56920 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
56923 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
56924 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
56926 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
56929 "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
56932 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
56934 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
56936 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
56937 -- Hunter S. Thompson
56939 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
56940 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
56942 When the Guru administers, the users
56943 are hardly aware that he exists.
56944 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
56945 Next, one who is feared.
56946 And worst, one who is despised.
56948 If you don't trust the users,
56949 you make them untrustworthy.
56951 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
56952 When his work is done,
56953 the users say, "Amazing:
56954 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
56956 When the leaders speak of peace
56957 The common folk know
56959 When the leaders curse war
56960 The mobilization order is already written out.
56962 Every day, to earn my daily bread
56963 I go to the market where lies are bought
56965 I take my place among the sellers.
56966 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
56968 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
56969 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
56970 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
56971 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
56973 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
56976 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
56979 When the revolution comes, count your change.
56981 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
56982 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
56983 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
56985 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
56988 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
56992 When the sun shineth, make hay.
56995 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
56996 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
56997 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
56998 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
56999 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
57000 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
57002 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
57003 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
57004 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
57005 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
57006 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
57007 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
57008 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
57010 "Samuel," he mumbled.
57011 "And where're you from, Sam?"
57014 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
57018 When the wind is great, bow before it;
57019 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
57021 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
57022 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
57023 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
57025 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
57028 When things go well, expect something to
57029 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
57031 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
57032 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
57033 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
57034 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
57035 -- George Bernard Shaw
57037 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
57038 other user interfaces become ugly.
57039 When users see some programs as winners,
57040 other programs become lossage.
57042 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
57043 High level and assembler depend on each other.
57044 Double and float cast to each other.
57045 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
57046 While and until follow each other.
57049 programs without doing anything
57050 and teaches without saying anything.
57051 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
57052 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
57053 He has but doesn't possess,
57054 acts but doesn't expect.
57055 When his work is done, he deletes it.
57056 That is why it lasts forever.
57058 When we are planning for posterity,
57059 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
57062 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
57063 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
57064 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
57065 history of war have so few been led by so many.
57066 -- General James Gavin
57068 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
57070 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
57071 except our fingertips will have been singed.
57072 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
57074 When we write programs that "learn",
57075 it turns out we do and they don't.
57077 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
57078 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
57080 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
57081 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
57085 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
57086 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
57088 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
57089 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
57090 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
57094 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
57095 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
57098 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
57100 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
57102 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
57103 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
57104 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
57105 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
57106 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
57107 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
57108 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
57109 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
57110 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
57111 from, to torture and unsettle us?
57112 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
57114 When you become used to never being alone,
57115 you may consider yourself Americanized.
57117 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
57119 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
57122 When you dig another out of trouble,
57123 you've got a place to bury your own.
57125 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57127 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
57129 When you find yourself in danger,
57130 When you're threatened by a stranger,
57131 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
57133 There is one thing you should learn,
57134 When there is no one else to turn to,
57135 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
57136 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
57138 When you get what you want in your struggle for self
57139 And the world makes you king for a day,
57140 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
57141 And see what that man has to say.
57142 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
57143 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
57144 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
57145 Is the one staring back from the glass.
57146 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
57147 And call you a wonderful guy,
57148 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
57149 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
57150 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
57151 For he's with you clear up to the end,
57152 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
57153 If the man in the glass is your friend.
57154 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
57155 And get pats on the back as you pass,
57156 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
57157 If you've cheated the man in the glass.
57159 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
57160 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
57163 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
57165 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
57168 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
57169 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
57170 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
57172 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
57173 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
57174 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
57175 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
57178 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
57179 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
57181 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
57182 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
57183 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57185 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
57186 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
57187 know the answer either.
57188 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
57190 When you live in a sick society,
57191 just about everything you do is wrong.
57193 When you make your mark in the world,
57194 watch out for guys with erasers.
57195 -- The Wall Street Journal
57197 When you meet a master swordsman,
57198 show him your sword.
57199 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
57200 do not show him your poem.
57201 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
57203 When you overesteem great hackers,
57204 more users become cretins.
57205 When you develop encryption,
57206 more users become crackers.
57209 by emptying user's minds
57210 and increasing their quotas,
57211 by weakening their ambition
57212 and toughening their resolve.
57213 When users lack knowledge and desire,
57214 management will not try to interfere.
57216 Practice not-looping,
57217 and everything will fall into place.
57219 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
57220 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
57221 -- Otto von Bismarck
57223 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
57224 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
57226 When you try to make an impression, the
57227 chances are that is the impression you will make.
57229 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
57231 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
57232 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
57234 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
57235 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
57236 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
57238 When your memory goes, forget it!
57240 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
57244 You're a Yup all the way
57245 From your first slice of Brie
57246 To your last Cabernet.
57249 You're not just a dreamer
57250 You're making things happen
57251 You're driving a Beamer.
57253 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
57254 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
57255 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
57256 I feel the same when you are hear.
57257 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
57259 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
57260 -- David Pryce-Jones
57262 When you're dining out and you suspect
57263 something's wrong, you're probably right.
57265 When you're down and out, lift up your
57266 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
57268 When you're in command, command.
57271 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
57272 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
57273 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
57274 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
57276 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
57278 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
57280 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
57281 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
57282 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57284 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
57285 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
57286 to become a parrot or something.
57287 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57289 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
57292 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
57293 to spend their weekends with?
57296 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
57298 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
57299 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
57302 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
57303 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
57304 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
57307 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
57310 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
57311 We people on the pavement looked at him:
57312 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
57313 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
57314 And he was always quietly arrayed,
57315 And he was always human when he talked;
57316 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
57317 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
57318 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
57319 And admirably schooled in every grace:
57320 In fine, we thought that he was everything
57321 To make us wish that we were in his place.
57322 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
57323 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
57324 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
57325 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
57326 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
57328 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
57329 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
57331 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
57332 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
57333 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
57335 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
57337 Whenever you find that you are on the
57338 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
57341 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
57342 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
57343 and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
57344 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
57346 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
57348 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
57350 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
57351 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
57352 When it's converted to energy?
57353 There is a slight loss of parity.
57354 Johnny's so long at the fair.
57356 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
57359 Where do you go to get anorexia?
57362 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
57363 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
57364 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
57366 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
57369 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
57370 examine the laws of heat.
57371 -- Christopher Morley
57373 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
57374 Why did you leave me here all alone?
57375 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
57376 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
57378 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
57379 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
57380 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
57381 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
57384 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
57386 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
57388 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
57389 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
57391 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
57394 Where there's a whip there's a way.
57396 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
57398 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
57400 Where will it all end?
57401 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
57403 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
57404 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
57406 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
57409 Where's the man could ease a heart
57411 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
57413 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
57414 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
57417 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
57418 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
57419 Go on, do not rest.
57420 -- An old Gujarati hymn
57422 Whether you can hear it or not
57423 The Universe is laughing behind your back
57424 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
57426 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
57428 Which would you rather have, a bursting
57429 planet or an earthquake here and there?
57430 -- John Joseph Lynch
57432 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
57433 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
57435 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
57436 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
57437 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
57438 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
57439 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
57440 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
57441 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
57444 While having never invented a sin,
57445 I'm trying to perfect several.
57447 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
57448 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
57449 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
57450 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
57451 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
57452 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
57453 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
57455 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
57456 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
57457 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
57459 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57460 referring to hardware interrupts.]
57462 And now I see with eye serene
57463 The very pulse of the machine.
57464 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
57466 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57467 referring to software interrupts.]
57469 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
57470 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
57471 -- Edward Stevenson
57473 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
57474 lets you choose your own form of misery.
57476 While most peoples' opinions change,
57477 the conviction of their correctness never does.
57479 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
57480 held a gun to his head.
57481 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
57482 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
57483 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
57484 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
57485 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
57486 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
57488 While there's life, there's hope.
57489 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
57491 While walking down a crowded
57492 City street the other day,
57493 I heard a little urchin
57494 To a comrade turn and say,
57495 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
57496 I'd be happy as a clam
57497 If only I was de feller dat
57498 Me mudder t'inks I am.
57500 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
57501 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
57502 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
57503 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
57504 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
57505 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
57506 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
57507 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
57508 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
57510 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
57513 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
57514 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
57516 While you recently had your problems on the run,
57517 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
57519 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
57520 safe, for you can watch both of his.
57521 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57523 Whip it, whip it good!
57526 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
57528 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
57530 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
57532 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
57533 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
57534 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
57537 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
57542 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
57543 ...they might want to cut it out...
57545 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
57546 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
57550 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
57553 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
57554 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
57556 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
57559 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
57560 Remains a fool his whole life long.
57561 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
57563 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
57566 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
57569 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
57573 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
57575 Who loves me will also love my dog.
57578 Who loves not wisely but too well
57579 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
57580 But he whose love is thin and wise
57581 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
57584 Who made the world I cannot tell;
57585 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
57586 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
57587 I never soiled with such a deed.
57590 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
57592 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
57594 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
57595 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
57597 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
57598 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
57600 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
57601 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
57604 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
57606 Who was that masked man?
57608 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
57610 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
57612 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
57613 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
57615 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57617 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
57620 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
57621 pure in heart can make a good soup.
57622 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
57624 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
57626 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
57629 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
57631 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
57633 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
57638 Who's scruffy-looking?
57641 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
57642 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
57644 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
57647 Why are programmers non-productive?
57648 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
57650 Why are programmers rebellious?
57651 Because the management interferes too much.
57653 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
57654 Because they are burnt out.
57656 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
57657 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
57659 "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
57660 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
57663 Why are you so hard to ignore?
57665 Why are you watching
57666 The washing machine?
57667 I love entertainment
57668 So long as it's clean.
57670 Professor Doberman:
57671 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
57672 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
57673 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
57674 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
57675 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
57676 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
57677 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
57678 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
57679 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
57680 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
57683 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
57686 Why be a man when you can be a success?
57689 Why be difficult, when, with just a
57690 little more effort, you can be impossible?
57692 Why bother building anymore nuclear
57693 warheads until we use the ones we have?
57695 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
57697 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
57698 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
57700 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
57703 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
57704 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
57705 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
57708 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
57709 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
57711 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
57712 It's quite uncanny.
57714 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
57716 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
57718 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
57720 Why do we want intelligent terminals
57721 when there are so many stupid users?
57723 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
57726 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
57728 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
57729 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
57730 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57732 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
57735 New Jersey had first choice.
57737 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
57740 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
57742 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
57744 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
57745 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
57746 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
57747 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
57749 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57751 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
57752 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
57754 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
57758 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57760 I'd LOVE to, but...
57761 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
57762 -- None of my socks match.
57763 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
57764 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
57765 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
57766 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
57767 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
57768 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
57769 named Basil Metabolism.
57770 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
57771 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
57772 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
57773 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
57774 -- I feel a song coming on.
57776 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57778 I'd LOVE to, but...
57779 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
57780 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
57781 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
57782 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
57783 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
57784 -- My subconscious says no.
57785 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
57786 can't seem to put it down.
57787 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
57788 -- I have to study for my blood test.
57789 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
57790 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
57791 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
57793 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57795 I'd LOVE to, but...
57796 -- I have to floss my cat.
57797 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57798 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57799 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57800 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
57801 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57802 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57803 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57804 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57805 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57807 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57809 I'd LOVE to, but...
57810 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
57811 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
57812 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
57813 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
57814 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
57815 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
57816 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
57817 -- I have to bleach my hare.
57818 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
57819 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
57821 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57823 I'd LOVE to, but...
57824 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57825 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57826 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
57827 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
57828 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
57829 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
57830 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
57831 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
57832 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
57833 -- My crayons all melted together.
57835 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57837 I'd LOVE to, but ...
57838 -- I have to floss my cat.
57839 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57840 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57841 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57842 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
57843 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57844 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57845 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57846 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57847 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57848 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57849 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57851 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
57853 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
57855 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
57856 It is because we are not the person involved.
57859 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
57862 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
57865 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
57866 way to prove how much she means to me?
57868 "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
57869 you knowing nothing?"
57870 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
57872 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
57874 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
57876 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
57877 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
57878 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
57879 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
57880 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
57881 I can't think why not.
57882 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
57883 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
57885 Why not go out on a limb?
57886 Isn't that where the fruit is?
57888 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
57889 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
57890 children open their old-fashioned presents.
57892 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
57894 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
57895 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
57897 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
57898 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
57899 and I get this cretin TOP?"
57901 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
57903 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
57905 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
57906 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57908 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
57909 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
57911 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
57914 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
57915 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
57916 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
57917 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
57918 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
57919 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
57920 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
57921 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
57922 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
57923 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
57924 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
57925 eternity for his faithlessness.
57926 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
57927 Fortnightly Review, 1876
57929 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
57932 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
57934 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
57935 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
57936 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
57937 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
57940 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
57941 -- The Tasmanian Devil
57944 Government expands to absorb all
57945 available revenue and then some.
57948 A pat on the back is only a few
57949 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
57951 Will Rogers never met you.
57953 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
57954 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
57956 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
57957 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
57960 Williams and Holland's Law:
57961 If enough data is collected,
57962 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
57964 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
57965 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
57966 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
57967 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
57969 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
57970 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
57971 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
57972 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
57974 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
57975 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
57976 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
57977 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
57978 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
57980 Wilner's Observation:
57981 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
57983 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
57986 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
57988 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
57989 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
57990 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
57993 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
57996 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
57997 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
57999 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
58000 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
58001 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
58003 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
58006 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
58008 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
58012 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
58014 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58016 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
58017 try to be a fraud and a half.
58018 -- Otto von Bismarck
58020 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
58021 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
58023 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
58024 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
58026 With all the talent around, it's sort of
58027 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
58028 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
58030 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
58032 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
58033 they make a law it's a joke.
58036 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
58037 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
58038 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
58039 is no such thing as progress.
58042 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
58043 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
58046 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
58048 With reasonable men I will reason;
58049 with humane men I will plead;
58050 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
58051 -- William Lloyd Garrison
58053 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
58054 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
58055 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
58056 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
58058 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
58059 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
58061 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
58062 the city and forty on the highway."
58064 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
58065 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
58066 close. Like catching snakes.
58069 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
58071 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
58072 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
58073 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
58074 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
58075 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
58076 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
58077 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
58078 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
58079 White House's National Security Council, Washington
58080 Post, 21 March, 1982
58082 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
58083 -- Alfred North Whitehead
58085 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
58086 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
58087 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
58088 important to him than his table or his white robe.
58089 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
58091 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
58093 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
58095 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
58097 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
58098 without intelligence love is not enough.
58101 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
58104 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
58105 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
58106 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
58107 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
58109 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
58110 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
58111 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
58114 A man who knows all the ankles.
58117 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
58118 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
58121 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
58122 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
58124 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
58127 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
58128 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
58131 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
58132 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
58133 I shall be sober in the morning.
58135 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
58136 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
58137 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
58138 that he might love her.
58141 Woman would be more charming if one could
58142 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
58145 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
58148 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
58149 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
58150 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
58151 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
58152 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
58153 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
58154 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
58157 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
58158 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
58161 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
58162 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
58163 marriage certificates, and defy you.
58166 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
58167 from charity, or revenge?
58168 -- Gustave Vapereau
58170 Women are just like men, only different.
58172 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
58173 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
58176 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
58179 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
58182 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
58185 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
58188 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
58189 but it takes more of them to do it.
58191 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
58194 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
58195 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
58198 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
58199 as good as any other.
58200 -- Philippe De Remi
58202 Women give themselves to God when the
58203 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
58206 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
58207 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
58210 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
58211 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
58214 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
58215 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
58216 original earth clinging to the roots.
58219 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
58220 than men who reason with the head.
58223 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
58224 but never a man who misses one.
58225 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
58227 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
58228 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
58231 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
58232 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
58233 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
58236 Women waste men's lives and think they have
58237 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
58240 Women, when they are not in love, have all
58241 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
58244 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
58245 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
58248 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
58250 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
58251 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
58252 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
58255 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
58257 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
58258 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
58260 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
58261 and philosophy begins in wonder.
58262 Socrates, quoting Plato
58265 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
58267 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
58268 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
58269 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
58270 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
58271 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
58272 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
58275 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
58276 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
58277 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
58278 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
58279 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
58280 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
58281 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
58282 although their insurance rates went way up.
58283 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58286 A theory is better than its explanation.
58288 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
58289 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
58290 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
58291 -- Cheers, Airport V
58293 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
58294 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
58295 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
58298 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
58299 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
58301 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
58302 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
58303 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
58305 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
58306 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
58307 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
58309 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
58310 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
58311 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
58313 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
58314 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
58315 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58317 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
58318 swallowed the canary.
58319 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
58320 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58322 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
58323 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
58324 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
58326 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
58327 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
58328 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
58330 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
58331 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
58332 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
58334 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58335 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
58336 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
58338 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
58340 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
58341 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
58342 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
58344 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
58345 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
58346 -- Cheers, The Proposal
58348 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
58349 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
58350 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
58352 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58353 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
58354 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
58356 Sam: How's life treating you?
58357 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
58358 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
58360 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
58361 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
58363 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
58364 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
58366 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
58367 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
58368 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
58370 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
58371 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
58372 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58374 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
58375 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
58376 Eh, make that one-thirty.
58377 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58379 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
58380 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
58381 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
58383 Words are the voice of the heart.
58385 Words can never express what words can never express.
58387 Words have a longer life than deeds.
58390 Words must be weighed, not counted.
58393 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
58394 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
58396 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
58397 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
58400 Work continues in this area.
58401 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
58403 Work expands to fill the time available.
58404 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
58406 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
58407 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
58409 -- Bertrand Russell
58411 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
58414 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
58417 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
58418 a handshake, and have fun.
58419 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
58420 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
58422 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
58423 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
58424 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
58425 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
58426 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
58429 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
58431 Work without a vision is slavery,
58432 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
58433 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
58435 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
58438 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
58440 -- Christopher Plummer
58442 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
58443 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
58444 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
58445 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
58446 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
58447 error in the world."
58450 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
58453 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
58454 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
58456 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
58457 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
58458 -- Steve Rubenstein
58460 Worst Month of the Year:
58461 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
58462 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
58463 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
58464 -- Steve Rubenstein
58466 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
58467 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
58468 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
58469 damage my videotapes?"
58471 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
58472 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
58473 -- Steve Rubenstein
58476 Yes, but not worth going to see.
58479 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
58480 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
58481 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
58482 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
58490 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
58491 -- Princess Leia Organa
58493 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
58496 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
58498 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
58501 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
58503 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
58505 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
58507 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
58509 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
58510 trial testimony, 1947
58512 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
58515 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
58516 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
58519 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
58521 -- "Broadcast News"
58523 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
58526 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
58529 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
58531 write-protect tab, n:
58532 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
58533 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
58534 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
58538 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
58539 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
58540 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
58541 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
58542 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
58543 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
58544 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
58545 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
58546 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
58547 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
58548 is itself the one hope for salvation.
58549 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
58551 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
58554 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
58556 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
58557 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
58560 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
58563 Writing software is more fun than working.
58567 "Wrong," said Renner.
58569 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
58570 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
58573 What You See Is What You Get.
58576 Accept any substitute.
58577 If it's broke, don't fix it.
58578 If it ain't broke, fix it.
58579 Form follows malfunction.
58580 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
58581 The trailing edge of software technology.
58582 Armageddon never looked so good.
58583 Japan's secret weapon.
58584 You'll envy the dead.
58585 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
58586 Let it get in YOUR way.
58587 The problem for your problem.
58588 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
58589 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
58590 Simplicity made complex.
58591 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
58592 Flakey and built to stay that way.
58594 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
58598 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
58599 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
58600 Built to take on the world... and lose!
58601 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
58602 Power tools for Power Fools.
58603 Putting new limits on productivity.
58604 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
58605 Design by counterexample.
58606 A new level of software disintegration.
58607 No hardware is safe.
58609 Rationalization, not realization.
58610 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
58611 Gratuitous incompatibility.
58613 THE user interference management system.
58614 You can't argue with failure.
58615 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
58617 The environment of today... tomorrow!
58621 Something you can be ashamed of.
58622 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
58623 The first fully modular software disaster.
58624 Rome was destroyed in a day.
58625 Warn your friends about it.
58626 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
58627 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
58628 Don't wait for the movie.
58629 Never use it after a big meal.
58631 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
58632 It'll make your day.
58633 Don't get frustrated without it.
58634 Power tools for power losers.
58635 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
58636 Never had it. Never will.
58637 The software with no visible means of support.
58638 More than just a generation behind.
58640 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
58644 The ultimate bottleneck.
58645 Flawed beyond belief.
58646 The only thing you have to fear.
58647 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
58648 On autopilot to oblivion.
58649 The joke that kills.
58650 A disgrace you can be proud of.
58651 A mistake carried out to perfection.
58652 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
58653 To err is X windows.
58654 Ignorance is our most important resource.
58655 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
58656 Built to fall apart.
58657 Nullifying centuries of progress.
58658 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
58659 The last thing you need.
58660 The defacto substandard.
58662 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
58666 We will dump no core before its time.
58667 One good crash deserves another.
58668 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
58670 It didn't even look good on paper.
58671 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
58672 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
58673 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
58674 It could happen to you.
58675 The art of incompetence.
58676 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
58677 When uselessness just isn't enough.
58678 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
58679 When you can't afford to be right.
58680 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
58682 If it works, it isn't X windows.
58685 You'd better sit down.
58686 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
58687 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
58688 Live the nightmare.
58689 Our bugs run faster.
58690 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
58691 There ARE no rules.
58692 You'll wish we were kidding.
58693 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
58694 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
58695 There's got to be a better way.
58696 The next best thing to keypunching.
58697 Leave the thrashing to us.
58698 We wrote the book on core dumps.
58699 Even your dog won't like it.
58700 More than enough rope.
58701 Garbage at your fingertips.
58703 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
58706 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
58708 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
58710 XEROX never does anything original.
58713 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
58714 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
58715 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
58716 the managers would fly off.
58718 It costs a lot to build bad products.
58720 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
58721 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
58722 intermingle the two.
58724 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
58725 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
58726 of every airplane's weight.
58728 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
58729 and two-thirds of the problems.
58730 -- Norman Augustine
58733 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
58734 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
58735 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58738 The more one produces, the less one gets.
58740 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
58742 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
58744 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
58745 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
58746 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
58748 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
58749 unexpected should have been expected.
58751 A billion saved is a billion earned.
58752 -- Norman Augustine
58755 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
58756 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
58758 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
58759 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
58760 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
58761 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
58763 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
58765 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
58766 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
58767 as long as the official's who created it.
58769 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
58770 government workers than there are workers.
58772 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
58773 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
58774 -- Norman Augustine
58776 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
58779 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
58781 -- XML guru Chris Maden
58783 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
58784 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
58787 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
58788 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
58789 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
58790 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
58792 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
58793 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
58795 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
58796 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
58797 ten degradation accomplished.
58799 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
58800 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
58802 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
58803 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
58804 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
58805 -- Norman Augustine
58808 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
58810 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
58811 not selling advice.
58813 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
58814 currently estimated.
58816 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
58817 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
58818 costly action known to man.
58820 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
58821 or a new canvas to an artist.
58822 -- Norman Augustine
58825 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
58826 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
58828 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
58830 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
58832 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
58833 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
58834 hang on about half a decade.
58836 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
58837 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
58838 -- Norman Augustine
58841 The optimum committee has no members.
58843 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
58844 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
58846 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
58848 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
58849 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
58852 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
58853 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
58854 the data authenticity.
58855 -- Norman Augustine
58858 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
58859 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
58860 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
58861 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
58863 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
58864 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
58866 The early bird gets the worm.
58867 The early worm ... gets eaten.
58869 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
58870 the year -- in either direction.
58872 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
58873 -- Norman Augustine
58875 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
58877 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
58878 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
58879 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
58880 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
58881 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
58882 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
58884 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
58885 rays and became a tangent ?
58887 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
58888 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
58890 Yea from the table of my memory
58891 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
58894 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
58895 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
58896 operators together.
58899 "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
58901 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
58903 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
58904 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
58906 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
58907 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
58911 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
58912 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
58915 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58917 Year Name James Bond Book
58918 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
58919 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
58920 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
58921 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
58922 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
58923 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
58924 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
58925 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
58926 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
58927 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
58928 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
58929 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
58930 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
58931 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
58932 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58933 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
58934 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
58935 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58936 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
58937 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
58940 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58941 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58943 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
58945 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
58947 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
58950 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
58951 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
58954 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
58955 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
58956 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
58957 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
58958 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
58959 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
58960 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
58962 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
58963 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
58964 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
58966 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
58968 -- George Michaelson
58970 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
58971 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
58972 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
58975 Yesterday upon the stair
58976 I met a man who wasn't there.
58977 He wasn't there again today --
58978 I think he's from the CIA.
58980 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
58981 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
58982 I'm not respectable.
58983 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
58985 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
58989 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
58990 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
58993 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
58994 hoping no one will notice.
58995 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58997 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
58999 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
59000 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
59002 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
59004 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
59006 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
59007 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
59008 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
59009 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
59011 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
59013 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
59016 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
59019 You are always busy.
59021 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
59023 You are an insult to my intelligence!
59024 I demand that you log off immediately.
59026 You are as I am with You.
59028 You are capable of planning your future.
59030 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
59032 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
59034 You are destined to become the commandant of the
59035 fighting men of the department of transportation.
59037 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
59039 You are fairminded, just and loving.
59041 You are false data.
59043 You are farsighted, a good planner,
59044 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
59046 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
59048 You are going to have a new love affair.
59059 But you're not all there.
59061 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
59063 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
59065 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
59067 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
59069 You are loved by the multitudes.
59070 Have you been to the clinic lately?
59072 You are magnetic in your bearing.
59074 You are never given a wish without also being given the
59075 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
59077 "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
59079 You are not a fool just because you have done
59080 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
59082 You are not dead yet.
59083 But watch for further reports.
59085 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
59086 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
59087 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
59090 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
59091 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
59093 You are number 6! Who is number one?
59095 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
59096 "All your papers these days look the same;
59097 Those William's would be better unread --
59098 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
59100 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
59101 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
59102 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
59103 Made it pointless to think any more."
59105 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
59106 "And your hair has become very white;
59107 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
59108 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
59110 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
59111 "I feared it might injure the brain;
59112 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
59113 Why, I do it again and again."
59116 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
59117 That your lectures bore people to death.
59118 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
59119 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
59121 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
59122 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
59123 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59124 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
59126 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
59127 For anything tougher than suet;
59128 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
59129 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
59131 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
59132 And argued each case with my wife;
59133 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
59134 Has lasted the rest of my life."
59137 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
59138 And there isn't one language you like;
59139 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
59140 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
59142 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
59143 "Every language looks equally bad;
59144 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
59145 And don't realize that they've been had."
59147 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59148 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
59149 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
59150 Pray what is the reason of that?"
59152 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
59153 "I kept all my limbs very supple
59154 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
59155 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
59158 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59159 And make errors few people could bear;
59160 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
59161 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
59163 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
59164 "But my stature these days is so great
59165 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
59166 And to stop me it's now far too late."
59168 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
59169 That your eye was as steady as ever;
59170 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
59171 What made you so awfully clever?"
59173 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
59174 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
59175 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59176 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
59179 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59181 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
59182 Therefore you have few friends.
59184 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
59185 I like that in a person.
59187 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
59189 "You are *so* lovely."
59191 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
59193 You are standing on my toes.
59195 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
59197 You are the only person to ever get this message.
59199 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
59200 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
59201 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
59202 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
59203 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
59204 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
59205 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
59206 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
59207 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
59208 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
59209 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
59210 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
59211 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
59212 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
59214 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
59215 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
59216 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
59218 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
59219 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
59221 You ask what a nice girl will do?
59222 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
59223 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
59225 You attempt things that you do not even plan
59226 because of your extreme stupidity.
59230 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
59231 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
59232 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
59234 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
59236 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
59237 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
59238 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
59239 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
59240 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
59241 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
59242 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
59243 than a twenty-dollar bill.
59244 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
59246 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
59249 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
59251 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
59252 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
59253 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
59254 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
59255 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
59256 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
59257 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
59259 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
59260 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
59262 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59264 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
59265 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
59267 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
59268 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
59269 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
59271 You can be replaced by this computer.
59273 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
59274 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
59276 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
59277 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
59278 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
59280 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
59281 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
59282 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
59283 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
59286 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
59289 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
59290 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
59291 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
59292 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
59293 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
59294 -- The Palindromist
59296 You can create your own opportunities this week.
59297 Blackmail a senior executive.
59299 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
59302 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
59303 Why do you find that funny?
59304 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
59306 You can do very well in speculation where
59307 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
59309 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
59311 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
59312 and the budget is big enough.
59313 -- Joseph E. Levine
59315 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
59316 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
59318 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
59319 and all of the people some of the time,
59320 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
59322 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
59323 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
59325 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
59327 You can get everything in life you want,
59328 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
59330 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
59331 can with just a kind word.
59334 You can get much further with a kind word and a
59335 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
59337 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
59339 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
59341 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
59343 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
59344 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
59346 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
59347 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
59349 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
59350 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
59353 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
59354 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
59357 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
59358 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
59362 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
59363 Don't ever count on having both at once.
59366 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
59369 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
59371 -- Franklin P. Jones
59373 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
59375 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
59376 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
59379 You can move the world with an idea,
59380 but you have to think of it first.
59382 You can never do just one thing.
59385 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
59387 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
59388 -- Jeannette Rankin
59390 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
59391 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
59393 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
59394 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
59396 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
59397 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
59399 You can now buy more gates with less
59400 specifications than at any other time in history.
59403 You can observe a lot just by watching.
59406 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
59408 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
59410 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
59411 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
59412 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
59415 You can tell how far we have to go,
59416 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
59419 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
59422 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
59424 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
59425 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
59427 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
59428 I've got to have thirty minutes!
59430 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
59432 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
59433 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
59436 You cannot have a science without measurement.
59439 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
59441 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
59443 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
59446 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
59449 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
59451 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
59453 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
59455 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
59456 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
59459 You can't cheat the phone company.
59461 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
59463 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
59464 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
59466 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
59469 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
59472 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
59473 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
59474 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
59475 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
59476 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
59478 You can't fall off the floor.
59480 You can't get there from here.
59482 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
59484 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
59487 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
59490 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
59491 -- Booker T. Washington
59493 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
59495 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
59497 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
59498 only sooner than she thought you would.
59500 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
59501 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
59502 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
59504 "You can't make a program without broken egos."
59506 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
59508 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
59509 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
59511 You can't push on a string.
59513 You can't run away forever,
59514 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
59515 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
59517 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
59521 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
59522 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
59525 "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
59526 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
59529 You can't take damsel here now.
59531 You can't take it with you --
59532 especially when crossing a state line.
59534 You can't teach people to be lazy --
59535 either they have it, or they don't.
59536 -- Dagwood Bumstead
59538 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
59539 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
59541 You climb to reach the summit, but once
59542 there, discover that all roads lead down.
59543 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
59545 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
59546 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
59548 You could live a better life, if you
59549 had a better mind and a better body.
59551 You couldn't even prove the White House
59552 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
59553 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
59555 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
59559 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
59561 You do not have mail.
59563 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
59565 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
59566 if you're not planning on coming back down.
59567 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
59569 You don't have to explain something you never said.
59572 You don't have to know how the computer
59573 works, just how to work the computer.
59575 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
59578 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
59581 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
59582 reason to eat with knitting needles.
59583 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
59585 You enjoy the company of other people.
59587 You feel a whole lot more like you do
59588 now than you did when you used to.
59590 You fill a much-needed gap.
59592 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
59593 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
59594 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
59595 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
59596 names. Here's the complete text:
59598 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
59599 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
59600 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
59601 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
59602 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
59603 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
59604 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
59605 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
59607 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
59608 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
59610 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
59612 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
59613 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
59614 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
59616 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
59618 You get what you pay for.
59621 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
59622 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
59625 You go down to the pickup station,
59626 craving warmth and beauty;
59627 You settle for less than fascination --
59628 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
59629 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
59630 on this strange new flesh you've found --
59631 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
59632 you hurry to the blackness
59633 and the blankets to lay down an impression
59634 and your loneliness.
59637 You got to be very careful if you don't know
59638 where you're going, because you might not get there.
59641 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
59642 And you know it don't come easy ...
59643 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
59644 And you know it don't come easy ...
59646 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
59648 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
59650 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
59653 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
59655 You had some happiness once,
59656 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
59658 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
59660 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
59662 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
59664 You have a message from the operator.
59666 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
59667 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
59669 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
59671 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
59673 You have a strong desire for a home
59674 and your family interests come first.
59676 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
59678 You have a truly strong individuality.
59680 You have a will that can be influenced
59681 by all with whom you come in contact.
59683 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
59685 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
59687 You are permanently confused.
59690 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
59693 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
59694 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
59697 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
59699 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
59701 You have an unusual equipment for success.
59702 Be sure to use it properly.
59704 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
59705 metal objects which are not fastened down.
59707 You have an unusual understanding of
59708 the problems of human relationships.
59710 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
59711 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
59713 You have been selected for a secret mission.
59715 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
59717 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
59719 You have junk mail.
59721 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
59725 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
59727 You have no real enemies.
59729 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
59730 -- John Viscount Morley
59732 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
59733 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
59735 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
59738 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
59739 You'll learn a lot today.
59741 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
59743 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
59744 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
59747 You humans are all alike.
59749 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
59750 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
59751 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
59753 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
59756 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
59757 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
59759 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
59762 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
59763 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
59764 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
59766 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
59769 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
59770 you people are all going to owe me big.
59773 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
59774 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
59776 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
59777 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
59780 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
59783 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
59784 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
59785 You play around you lose your wife,
59786 You play too long, you lose your life.
59787 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
59788 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
59790 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
59792 -- M. Somerset Maugham
59794 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
59795 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
59796 like that all the time.
59799 You know, the difference between this company and
59800 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
59802 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
59803 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
59804 you can always change the channel.
59807 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
59808 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
59811 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
59812 and I had my hands about it.
59813 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
59815 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
59819 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
59820 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
59821 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
59822 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
59823 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
59825 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
59828 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
59829 -- S. Rickly Christian
59831 You know your apartment is small...
59832 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
59833 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
59834 you have to go outside to change your mind.
59835 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
59837 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
59838 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
59840 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
59841 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
59842 mother is allowed to take.
59844 You know you're in a small town when...
59845 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
59846 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
59847 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
59848 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
59849 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
59850 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
59851 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
59853 You know you're in trouble when...
59854 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
59855 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
59856 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
59858 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
59859 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
59860 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
59861 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
59863 You know you're in trouble when...
59864 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
59865 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
59866 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
59867 and there aren't any.
59868 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
59869 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
59870 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
59871 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
59873 You know you're in trouble when...
59874 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
59876 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
59877 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
59878 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
59879 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
59880 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
59881 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
59882 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
59884 You know you're in trouble when...
59885 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
59886 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
59887 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
59888 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
59889 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
59890 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
59891 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
59892 after you bought a waterbed.
59893 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
59894 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
59897 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
59898 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
59899 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
59900 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
59902 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
59903 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
59905 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
59907 You learn to write as if to someone else
59908 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
59910 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
59912 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
59913 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
59914 -- Remington Steele
59916 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
59922 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
59924 You may already be a loser.
59925 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
59927 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
59928 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
59930 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
59931 but you're infinitely larger than others.
59933 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
59935 You may be right, I may be crazy,
59936 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
59939 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
59940 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
59943 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
59944 That a young man married is a young man marred.
59945 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
59947 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
59951 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
59953 You may have heard that a dean is
59954 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
59957 You may my glories and my state dispose,
59958 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
59959 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
59961 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
59962 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
59964 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
59967 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
59968 making lots of little phone companies?
59970 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
59971 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
59972 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
59973 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
59974 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
59976 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
59977 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
59978 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
59979 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
59981 You might have mail.
59983 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
59984 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
59985 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
59988 You must dine in our cafeteria.
59989 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
59991 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
59992 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
59993 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
59994 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
59995 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
59996 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
59997 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
59998 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
59999 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
60001 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
60002 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
60003 are merely deputies of that one.
60006 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
60007 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
60009 You need more time; and you probably always will.
60011 You need no longer worry about the future.
60012 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
60014 You need not worry about your future.
60016 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
60017 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
60018 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
60020 -- Charles A. Beard
60022 You never gain something but that you lose something.
60025 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
60027 You never go anywhere without your soul.
60029 You never have to change anything you
60030 got up in the middle of the night to write.
60033 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
60035 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
60038 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
60041 You never learned anything by doing it right.
60043 You never realize how many friends you
60044 have until you rent a house at the beach.
60046 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
60047 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
60048 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
60049 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
60050 guys were getting stoned!
60053 You now have Asian Flu.
60055 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
60056 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
60057 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
60059 -- J. Wellington Wells
60061 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
60063 You plan things that you do not even
60064 attempt because of your extreme caution.
60066 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
60068 You prefer the company of the opposite
60069 sex, but are well liked by your own.
60071 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
60072 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
60075 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
60077 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
60078 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
60086 Let's go be the Vice President...
60088 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
60090 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
60091 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
60092 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
60093 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
60094 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
60095 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
60096 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
60097 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
60098 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
60099 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
60100 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
60101 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
60105 You see things; and you say "Why?"
60106 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
60107 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
60108 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
60110 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
60111 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
60112 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
60113 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
60115 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
60117 You seek to shield those you love
60118 and you like the role of the provider.
60120 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
60122 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
60125 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
60127 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
60130 You should go home.
60132 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
60133 incest and folk-dancing.
60134 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
60136 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
60138 -- Ernest Rutherford
60140 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
60141 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
60142 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
60144 You should never wear your best trousers
60145 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
60148 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
60149 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
60150 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
60151 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
60152 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
60153 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
60154 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
60155 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
60157 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
60158 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
60159 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
60160 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
60161 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
60162 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
60163 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
60164 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
60165 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
60166 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
60168 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
60170 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
60172 "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
60173 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
60174 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
60176 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
60177 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
60179 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
60180 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
60183 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
60185 You teach best what you most need to learn.
60187 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
60189 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
60191 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
60192 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
60193 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
60195 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
60196 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
60197 make really big Zorkmids."
60199 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
60200 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
60202 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
60204 You too can wear a nose mitten.
60206 You tread upon my patience.
60207 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
60209 You two ought to be more careful--
60210 your love could drag on for years and years.
60212 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
60213 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
60216 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
60218 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
60220 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
60222 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
60224 You will be advanced socially,
60225 without any special effort on your part.
60227 You will be aided greatly by a person
60228 whom you thought to be unimportant.
60230 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
60231 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
60233 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
60235 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
60237 You will be awarded some great honor.
60239 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
60241 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
60243 You will be dead within a year.
60245 You will be divorced within a year.
60247 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
60249 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
60251 You will be honored for contributing
60252 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
60254 You will be imprisoned for contributing
60255 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
60257 You will be married within a year.
60259 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
60261 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
60263 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
60265 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
60267 You will be run over by a beer truck.
60269 You will be run over by a bus.
60271 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
60273 You will be successful in love.
60275 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
60277 You will be surrounded by luxury.
60279 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
60281 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
60283 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
60285 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
60287 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
60289 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
60291 You will contract a rare disease.
60293 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
60295 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
60297 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
60299 You will find me drinking gin
60300 In the lowest kind of inn,
60301 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
60302 -- G. K. Chesterton
60304 You will forget that you ever knew me.
60306 You will gain money by a fattening action.
60308 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
60310 You will gain money by an illegal action.
60312 You will gain money by an immoral action.
60314 You will get what you deserve.
60316 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
60318 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
60320 You will have a long and boring life.
60322 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
60324 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
60326 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
60328 You will have long and healthy life.
60330 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
60332 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
60334 You will inherit millions of dollars.
60336 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
60338 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
60340 You will live to see your grandchildren.
60342 You will lose an important disk file.
60344 You will lose an important tape file.
60346 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
60347 mayonnaise salesman.
60349 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
60351 You will never amount to much.
60352 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
60354 You will never know hunger.
60356 You will not be elected to public office this year.
60358 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
60360 You will outgrow your usefulness.
60362 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
60364 You will pass away very quickly.
60366 You will pay for your sins.
60367 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
60369 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
60371 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
60373 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
60375 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
60377 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
60379 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
60380 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
60381 the butter upon a hot day.
60384 You will soon forget this.
60386 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
60388 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
60390 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
60391 but only because your brakes are defective.
60393 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
60395 You will triumph over your enemy.
60397 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
60399 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
60401 You will wish you hadn't.
60403 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
60406 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
60408 You worry too much about your job.
60409 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
60411 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
60412 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
60413 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
60414 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
60415 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
60416 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
60417 yourself in this way."
60418 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
60420 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
60422 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
60423 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
60424 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
60426 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
60427 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
60431 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
60432 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
60434 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
60437 What you always were,
60438 Which has nothing to do with,
60439 All to do, with her.
60442 You'll be called to a post requiring
60443 ability in handling groups of people.
60447 You'll feel devilish tonight.
60448 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
60450 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
60452 You'll never be the man your mother was!
60454 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
60455 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
60457 You'll wish that you had done some of the
60458 hard things when they were easier to do.
60460 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
60461 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
60462 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
60463 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
60464 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
60465 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
60466 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
60467 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
60468 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
60469 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
60470 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
60471 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
60472 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
60473 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
60474 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
60475 the defects of both.
60476 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
60478 Young men, hear an old man to whom
60479 old men hearkened when he was young.
60482 Young men think old men are fools;
60483 but old men know young men are fools.
60486 Your aim is high and to the right.
60488 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
60490 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
60491 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
60493 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
60494 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
60496 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
60498 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
60500 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
60502 Your business will assume vast proportions.
60504 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
60506 Your code should be more efficient!
60508 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
60510 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
60512 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
60515 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
60516 ...Here's How You Can Tell
60517 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
60518 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
60519 listed 10 signs to watch for:
60520 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
60521 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
60522 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
60523 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
60524 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
60525 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
60526 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
60527 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
60528 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
60529 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
60530 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
60531 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
60532 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
60534 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
60536 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
60538 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
60539 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
60540 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
60541 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
60542 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
60543 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
60544 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
60545 seconds if we felt like it.
60546 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
60548 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
60550 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
60552 Your fault - core dumped
60554 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
60557 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
60562 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
60563 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
60564 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
60565 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
60566 California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
60568 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
60569 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
60570 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
60571 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
60572 other discover your good qualities without your help.
60577 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
60578 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
60579 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
60580 and you will live all the days of your life.
60582 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
60583 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
60584 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
60585 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
60586 miss two car payments.
60588 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
60589 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
60590 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
60591 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
60592 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
60598 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
60599 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
60600 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
60601 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
60602 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
60604 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
60605 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
60606 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
60607 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
60610 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
60611 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
60612 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
60613 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
60614 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
60615 than people who work standing up.
60617 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
60618 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
60619 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
60621 Your goose is cooked.
60622 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
60624 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
60626 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
60628 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
60630 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
60632 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
60634 Your love life will be... interesting.
60636 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
60638 Your lucky color has faded.
60640 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
60642 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
60643 Watch for it everywhere.
60645 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
60646 original and the part that is original is not good.
60649 Your mind is the part of you that says,
60650 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
60651 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
60652 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
60653 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
60655 Your mind understands what you have been
60656 taught; your heart, what is true.
60658 Your mode of life will be changed for
60659 the better because of good news soon.
60661 Your mode of life will be changed for
60662 the better because of new developments.
60664 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
60666 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
60668 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
60669 Face like ice, a little bit colder
60670 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
60671 You learned in school"
60672 But I don't really see
60673 Why can't we go on as three?
60674 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
60676 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
60677 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
60679 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
60681 Your object is to save the world,
60682 while still leading a pleasant life.
60684 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
60685 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
60686 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
60687 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
60688 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
60690 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
60692 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
60694 Your password is pitifully obvious.
60696 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
60698 Your present plans will be successful.
60700 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
60702 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
60704 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
60705 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
60706 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
60707 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
60709 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
60711 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
60713 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
60715 Your step will soil many countries.
60717 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
60719 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
60721 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
60722 be relieved in a surprising manner.
60724 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
60726 Your wig steers the gig.
60729 Your wise men don't know how it feels
60730 To be thick as a brick.
60731 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
60733 Your worship is your furnaces
60734 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
60735 have molten bowels; your vision is
60736 machines for making more machines.
60737 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
60739 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
60741 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
60742 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
60744 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
60745 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
60747 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
60748 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
60750 You're all clear now, kid.
60751 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
60754 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
60756 You're already carrying the sphere!
60758 You're always thinking you're gonna be
60759 the one that makes 'em act different.
60760 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
60762 You're at the end of the road again.
60764 You're at Witt's End.
60766 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
60768 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
60770 You're definitely on their list.
60771 The question to ask next is what list it is.
60773 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
60774 -- Eldridge Cleaver
60776 You're growing out of some of your problems,
60777 but there are others that you're growing into.
60779 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
60780 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
60783 You're never too old to become younger.
60786 You're not Dave. Who are you?
60788 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
60791 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
60793 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
60794 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
60796 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
60798 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
60800 You're working under a slight handicap.
60801 You happen to be human.
60803 Yours is not to reason why,
60805 And when you find you have to throw
60807 Remember life as was it is,
60809 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
60810 'Till silence is but a blur.
60813 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
60815 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
60816 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
60817 -- Robert F. Kennedy
60819 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
60821 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
60822 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
60824 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
60825 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
60827 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
60828 -- George Bernard Shaw
60830 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
60832 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
60833 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
60835 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
60838 You've been Berkeley'ed!
60840 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
60842 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
60843 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
60844 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
60846 "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
60849 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
60851 "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
60853 "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
60856 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
60857 (see also Computer).
60860 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
60862 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
60866 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
60869 The result of shutting down a production line.
60871 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
60872 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
60874 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
60877 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
60879 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
60880 since I first called my brother's father dad.
60881 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
60883 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
60884 People are always available for work in the past tense.
60886 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
60887 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
60888 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
60889 a camera for professional photographers
60892 In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
60893 from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
60894 In war: where soldiers die.
60896 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
60897 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
60898 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
60899 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
60901 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
60902 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
60903 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
60904 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
60906 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
60907 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
60908 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
60909 -- Theodore Roosevelt
60911 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
60912 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
60913 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
60914 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
60915 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
60917 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
60919 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
60920 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
60921 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
60922 use of this material.
60923 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
60924 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
60925 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
60927 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
60928 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
60931 The operation completed successfully.
60933 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
60934 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
60936 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
60937 given proper legal counsel.
60941 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
60942 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
60943 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
60944 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
60945 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
60946 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
60947 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
60948 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
60949 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
60950 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
60951 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
60952 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
60954 - from David Sarnoff by Eugene Lyons, 1966.
60956 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
60958 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
60959 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
60962 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
60964 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
60965 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
60967 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
60970 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
60972 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
60974 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
60976 Never miss a good chance to shut up.