3 A bad little girl in Madrid,
4 A most reprehensible kid,
6 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
7 And the worst of it was that it did!
9 A bather whose clothing was strewed
10 By breezes that left her quite nude,
12 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
13 You expected this line to be lewd.
15 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
16 I am not I, I'm a tree."
17 But another, more sane,
18 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
19 And covered his pants leg with pee.
21 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
22 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
23 Because during the day
24 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
25 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
27 A beautiful lady named Psyche
28 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
31 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
33 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
34 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
35 Off the end of a wharf
36 She once pushed a dwarf
37 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
40 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
41 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
42 When she swiveled about
43 Even strong men cried out,
44 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
46 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
47 Whose organ had long ceased to function
48 Deceived his good wife
49 For the rest of her life
50 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
52 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
53 Was heard to confess in her cups:
54 "The height of my folly
55 Was diddling a collie-
56 But I got a nice price for the pups."
58 A burlesque dancer, a pip
59 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
60 But she read science fiction
61 And died of constriction
62 Attempting a Moebius strip.
63 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
65 A busy young lady named Gloria
66 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
69 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
71 A cabin boy on an old clipper
72 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
74 With fragments of glass
75 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
77 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
78 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
79 With his date all strapped in
81 Without even leaving the garage.
82 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
84 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
85 Had a whang that was worth any money.
86 When eased in half-way,
87 The girl's sigh made him say,
88 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
90 A certain young man, it was noted,
91 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
92 He said, "You may scoff,
93 But I shan't take it off;
94 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
97 A certain young person of Ghent,
98 Uncertain if lady or gent,
99 Shows his organs at large
100 For a small handling charge
101 To assist him in paying the rent.
103 A certain young sheik of Algiers
104 Said to his harem, "My dears,
105 Though you may think it odd of me,
106 I'm tired of just sodomy
107 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
109 A chap down in Oklahoma
110 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
111 But the sweetness of pitch
112 Couldn't put off the hitch
113 Of impotence, size and aroma.
115 A charmer from old Amarillo,
116 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
118 That to keep men away
119 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
121 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
122 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
123 It had room for both hands
124 And some intimate glands,
125 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
127 A clerical student named Pryne
128 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
129 He wore a hair shirt,
130 Quite often ate dirt,
131 And bathed every Friday in brine.
134 A clever young man named Eugene
135 Invented a jack-off machine.
136 On the twenty-third stroke
137 The fuckin' thing broke
138 And beat both his balls to a creame.
140 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
141 Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
142 "On my minuscule salary
143 I must watch every calorie,
144 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
146 A computer called Illiac4
147 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
148 It chewed up its cards
149 And spewed yards and yards
150 Of illegible tape on the floor.
152 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
153 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
154 A foot cost a quid --
156 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
158 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
159 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
160 At a masquerade ball,
161 Dressed in nothing at all,
162 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
164 A cowhand way out in Seattle
165 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
166 He said, "No, I can't fuck
168 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
170 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
171 And had an affair with a Saracen.
172 She was not oversexed,
174 She just wanted to make a comparison.
176 A CS student named Lin
177 Had a prick the size of a pin
178 It was no good for girls
179 But just great for squirrels
180 Who squealed with delight with it in.
182 A cute little twerp from Samoa
183 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
184 It was good for keyholes
185 And debutantes' peeholes
186 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
188 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
189 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
190 But is proudest of doing,
191 Some incredible screwing,
192 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
194 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
195 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
196 She said, "It tastes nice,
197 Much better than rice,
198 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
200 A delighted, incredulous bride
201 Remarked to her groom at her side:
204 Our anatomies would coincide."
206 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
207 Got a charming girl patient alone,
208 And, in his depravity,
209 Filled the wrong cavity.
210 God, how his practice has grown.
212 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
213 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
214 Let his third-story front,
215 To a willing young cunt,
216 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
218 A desperate spinster from Clare
219 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
220 And prayed to her God
221 For a romp on the sod--
222 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
224 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
225 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
227 He stripped off his pants,
228 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
230 A doctoral student from Buckingham
231 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
232 But a dropout from paree
233 Taught him Gamahuchee
234 - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
236 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
237 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
240 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
242 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
243 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
244 They found her vagina,
246 And part of her ass in Brazil.
248 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
249 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
250 Wore the foreskin away
251 On uncircumcised Ray,
252 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
254 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
255 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
256 To make people afraid
257 He wore gloves of grey suede
258 And white footgear intended for tennis.
259 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
261 A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
262 Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
263 Had achieved some reknown
264 For her tone going down--
265 There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
267 A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
268 Thought it very, very foolish to place
269 Her hand on your cock
270 When it turned hard as rock,
271 For fear it would explode in your face.
273 A farmer I know named O'Doole
274 Had a long and incredible tool.
275 He can use it to plow,
277 Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
279 A fellatrix's healthful condition
280 Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
282 (I suggest that you try it)
283 Was only her clients' emission.
285 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
286 Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
288 Could be turned inside out,
289 Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
291 A fisherman off of Cape Cod
292 Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
293 But the high-minded fish
295 And nimbly swam off with his rod.
297 A foolish geologist from Kissen
298 Just didn't know what he was missin',
300 And neglecting his cock,
301 And using it merely for pissin'.
303 A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
304 Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
305 When he popped her cherry,
306 She made things hairy
307 By bleeding all over his face.
309 A gay young prince from Morocco
310 Made love in a manner rococco.
313 And flavored his semen with cocoa.
315 A geneticist living in Delft
316 Scientifically played with himself,
319 And filed him away on a shelf.
321 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
322 Detested with passion the leek;
324 He dealt such a clout
325 To the maid, she was down for a week.
328 A german composer named Bruckner
329 Remarked to a lady while fuckener:
330 "Less lento, my dear,
331 With your cute little rear;
332 I like a hot presto when muckener!"
334 A gift was delivered to Laura
335 From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
336 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
337 It was peeled, like a grape,
338 And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
341 A gifted young fellow from Sparta
342 Was widely renowned as a farta'.
343 He could fart anything
344 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
345 To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
347 A girl camper once had an affair
348 With a fellow all covered with hair.
349 When she gave him his hat
351 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
353 A girl of the Enterprise crew
354 Refused every offer to screw.
355 But a Vulcan named Spock
356 Crawled under her smock,
357 And now she is eating for two.
359 A girl of uncertain nativity
360 Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
361 While she sat on the lap
363 She could sense Fifth Column activity.
365 A graduate student named Zac
366 Was said to be great in the sack.
369 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
371 A greedy young lady from Sidney
372 Liked it in up to her kidney,
373 Till a man from Quebec
374 Shoved it up to her neck--
375 He really diddled her, didn' he?
377 A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
378 Once swallowed a package of seeds.
380 Was covered with grass
381 And his balls were grown over with weeds.
383 A guest in a household quite charmless
384 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
385 "If you're caught unawares
386 At the head of the stairs,
387 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
390 A habit depraved and unsavory
391 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
392 Midst screeches and howls
393 He deflowered young owls
394 Which he kept in an underground aviary
396 A habit obscene and bizarre,
397 Has taken a-hold of papa.
398 He brings home young camels
399 And other odd mammals,
400 And gives them a go at mama.
402 A habit obscene and unsavory,
403 Holds a CS professor in slavery.
405 He deflowers young owls,
406 That he keeps in an underground aviary.
408 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
409 Was caught and convicted of rape.
411 From which, to his woe
412 He couldn't get out with ESC.
414 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
415 Made love to the drive of his disk.
416 The thing circumsized him,
417 Which rather surprised him.
418 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
420 A handsome young rodent named Gratian
421 As a lifeguard became a sensation.
422 All the lady mice waved
423 And screamed to be saved
424 By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
426 A happy old hooker named Grace
427 Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
428 It was hard for beginners
429 To tell who were winners:
430 There were cunt hairs all over the place.
432 A hardware debugger named Court
433 Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
436 So the port's driver cut it off short.
438 A haughty young wench of Del Norte
439 Would fuck only men over forty.
440 Said she, "It's too quick
441 With a young fellow's prick;
442 I like it to last, and be warty."
444 A headstrong young woman in Ealing
445 Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
446 When quizzed why she did,
447 She replied, "To be rid
448 Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
451 A hearty young fellow named Yost
452 Once had an affair with a ghost.
453 At the height of the spasm
455 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
457 A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
458 Would say, when the fellows got hairy:
459 "Keep your prick in your pants
460 Till the end of this dance--"
461 Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
463 A highly aesthetic young Jew
464 Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
465 The end of his dillie
466 Was shaped like a lilly,
467 And his balls were too utterly two!
469 A highway patrol buff named Claire,
470 Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
471 And her parts grew so hot,
472 There was steam on her twat,
473 So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
475 A horny young fellow named Reg,
476 Was jerking off under a hedge.
477 The gardener drew near
478 With a huge pruning shear,
479 And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
481 A huge-organed female in Dallas,
482 Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
485 No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
487 A joker who haunts Monticello
488 Is really a terrible fellow.
489 In the midst of caresses
490 He fills ladies dresses
491 With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
493 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
494 Weaveth all night at her loom.
496 When her lord and his wench
497 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
499 A lad, at his first copulation,
500 Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
502 Throughout the duration,
503 I guess I'll give up masturbation."
505 A lad from far-off Transvaal
506 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
507 He'd say, just for luck,
508 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
509 But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
511 A lad of the brainier kind
512 Had erogenous zones in his mind.
513 He got his sensations,
514 By solving equations,
515 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
517 A lady born under a curse
518 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
519 From the back she would wail
520 Through a thickness of veil:
521 "Things do not get better, but worse."
524 A lady both callous and brash
525 Met a man with a vast black moustache;
526 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
527 And I'll put it with glue
528 On my hat as a sort of panache."
531 A lady from Kalamazoo
532 Once found she had nothing to do,
533 So she sat on the stairs
534 And she counted her hairs:
537 A lady from Old Little Rock
538 In fidelity took little stock,
540 In the streets of Japan
541 For a boy with a prehensile cock.
543 A lady removing her scanties,
544 Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
545 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
546 For the reason is clear:
547 You simply have amps in your panties.
549 A lady stockholder quite hetera
550 Decided her fortune to bettera:
551 On the floor, quite unclad,
553 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
555 A lady was seized with intent
556 To revise her existence misspent.
557 So she climbed up the dome
558 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
559 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
562 A lady, while dining in Crewe,
563 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
564 Said the waiter, "Don't shout
566 Or the others will ask for one, too."
568 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
569 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
570 "I don't mind my shins
571 Being stuck full of pins,
572 But I fear I am coming unsexed."
575 A lady with features cherubic
576 Was famed for her area pubic.
577 When they asked her its size
578 She replied in surprise,
579 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
581 A lass at the foot of her class
582 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
583 She replied, "With no fuss
584 You can get a B-plus,
585 By letting the prof pat your ass."
587 A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
588 After fucking his favorite female,
589 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
590 With the cream in her crotch
591 For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
593 A licentious old justice of Salem
594 Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
595 But instead of a fine
596 He would stand them in line,
597 With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
599 A linguist thought it a farce
600 That memory space was so sparse.
601 One day they increased it.
602 Said he as he seized it:
603 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
605 A lonely young lad of Eton
606 Used always to sleep with the heat on,
607 Till he ran into a lass
608 Who showed him her ass --
609 Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
611 A lovely young diver named Nancy,
612 Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
614 Watched her Derriere,
615 And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
617 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
618 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
619 The police cried, "Whatam--
621 And slapped it as hard as they could.
623 A lusty young maid from Seattle
624 Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
625 Till she found a bull
626 Who filled her so full
627 It made both her ovaries rattle.
629 A lusty young woodsman of Maine
630 For years with no woman had lain,
631 But he found sublimation
633 In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
635 A madam who ran a bordello
636 Put come in her pineapple jello,
637 For the rich, sexy taste
638 And not wanting to waste
639 That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
641 A maestro directing in Rome
642 Had a quaint way of driving it home.
644 Had to keep her tail timed
645 To the beat of his old metronome.
647 A maiden who lived in Virginny
648 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
649 The horsey set rushed her,
650 But success finally crushed her
651 For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
653 A maiden who travelled in France
654 Once got on a train, just by chance.
655 The engineer fucked her,
656 The conductor sucked her,
657 And the fireman came in his pants.
659 A maiden who wrote of big cities
660 Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
661 Sold her stuff at the shop
663 Who played with her soft little titties.
665 A man was once heard to boast,
666 That he received a parcel by post,
667 It contained, so we heard,
669 And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
671 A marine being sent to Hong Kong
672 Got a doctor to alter his dong.
673 He sailed off with a tool
674 Flat and thin as a rule -
675 When he got there he found he was wrong.
677 A mathematician named Hall
678 Had a hexahedronical ball,
679 And the square of its weight
680 Times his pecker's, plus eight,
681 Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
683 A mathematician named Hall
684 Has a hexahedronical ball,
685 And the cube of its weight
686 Times his pecker's, plus eight
687 Is his phone number -- give him a call...
689 A mathematician named Klein
690 Thought the Moebius band was divine.
691 Said he, "If you glue
693 You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
695 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
696 Found his love life completely in ruin,
697 For he flirted with flirts
698 Wearing pants and no skirts,
699 And he never got in for no screwin'.
701 A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
702 Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
703 She had nowhere to turn,
704 So she diddled a churn,
705 And managed to come with the butter.
707 A mortician who practised in Fife
708 Made love to the corpse of his wife.
709 "How could I know, Judge?
710 She was cold, did not budge--
711 Just the same as she'd acted in life."
713 A nasty old drunk in Carmel
714 Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
715 He says, "Some don't favor
717 But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
719 A nervous young fellow named Fred
720 Took a charming young widow to bed.
721 When he'd diddled a while
722 She remarked with a smile,
723 "You've got it all in but the head."
725 A new dramatist of the absurd
726 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
727 I learn from my spies
729 An unprintable three-letter word.
731 A newlywed couple from Goshen
732 Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
734 They got laid eighty ways --
735 Imagine such fucking devotion!
737 A newly-wed man of Peru
738 Found himself in a terrible stew:
740 Much deader than dead,
741 And so he had no one to screw.
743 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
744 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
745 Reads the sign o'er the head
746 Of her well-rumpled bed
747 "The customer always comes first."
749 A novice was told by the Abbot:
750 "Consider the goat and the rabbit.
751 While they roll in the hay
752 You just stay home and pray.
753 You've got to get out of that habit."
755 A nudist resort at Benares
756 Took a midget in all unawares.
757 But he made members weep
758 For he just couldn't keep
759 His nose out of private affairs.
761 A nurse motivated by spite
762 Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
763 She launched it with ease
764 On the afternoon breeze,
765 And watched till it flew out of sight.
768 A passionate red-haired girl
769 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
770 And her twat would get wet,
771 And would wiggle and fret,
772 And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
774 A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
775 Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
777 She would squat in his yard
778 And longingly pee in the sneaux.
780 A physical fellow named Fisk
781 Could screw at a rate very brisk.
782 So fast was his action
783 The Fitzgerald contraction
784 Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
786 A pious old woman named Tweak
787 Had taught her vagina to speak.
788 It was frequently liable
789 To quote from the Bible,
790 But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
792 A pious young lady named Finnegan
793 Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
795 Make it last through the night,
796 For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
798 A pious young lady of Chichester
799 Made all of the saints in their niches stir
800 And each morning at matin
801 Her breast in pink satin
802 Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
804 A playful young chemist named Byrd
805 Had an urge that could not be deferred.
808 And plastered the walls with his turd.
810 A plumber whose name was John Brink
811 Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
812 Her resistance was stout,
813 And John Brink petered out,
814 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
816 A pretty wife living in Tours
817 Demanded her daily amour.
818 But the husband said, "No!
819 It's to much. Let it go!
820 My backsides are dragging the floor."
822 A pretty young boy known as Kevin
823 Was raped in a pasture by seven
825 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
826 And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
828 A pretty young lady named Vogel
829 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
831 Nosed into her hole --
832 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
834 A pretty young maiden from France
835 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
838 And now all her sisters are aunts.
840 A princess who lived near a bog
841 Met a prince in the form of a frog.
842 Now she and her prince
843 Are the parents of quints,
844 Four boys and one fine polliwog.
846 A princess who reigned in Baroda
847 Made her home on a purple pagoda.
848 She festooned the walls
849 Of her halls with the balls
850 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
852 A programmer down in Moline
853 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
854 My secret's aversion,
855 To loops and recursion,
856 Just acres of in-line routine.
859 A progressive professor named Winners
860 Held classes each evening for sinners.
861 They were graded and spaced
862 So the vile and debased
863 Would not be held back by beginners.
865 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
866 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
867 She cried, "I suppose
868 There's no time for my clothes,
869 But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
871 A rapturous young fellatrix
872 One day was at work on five pricks.
874 She whipped out her glass eye:
875 "Tell the boys I can now take on six."
877 A reckless young lady of France
878 Had no qualms about taking a chance,
879 But she thought it was crude
880 To get screwed in the nude,
881 So she always went home with damp pants.
883 A remarkable race are the Persians,
884 They have such peculiar diversions.
885 They screw the whole day
887 And save up the nights for perversions.
889 A responsive young girl from the East
890 In bed was an able artiste.
891 She had learned two positions
892 From family physicians,
893 And ten more from the old parish priest.
895 A romantic attraction has clung
896 To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
897 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
898 That lascivious beast
899 Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
901 A sailor who slept in the sun,
902 Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
903 He remarked with a smile,
904 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
905 And now it's a quarter-past one."
907 A savvy young hooker named Gail
908 Got busted and lodged in the jail.
909 But the jailer got hot,
910 To be lodged in her twat,
911 And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
913 A scandal involving an oyster
914 Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
915 She preferred it, in bed,
916 To the count (so she said)
917 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
919 A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
920 Resounded for miles upon miles.
921 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
922 The brother Ignatious
923 Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
925 A seafaring hacker named Slatey
926 Went to bed with a VAX/780.
927 The thing's learned to swear
929 And refers to its users as "matey".
931 A sex-loving coed named Bree
932 Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
933 The joystick, she found,
934 Had been fooling around
935 With a neighboring student's PC.
937 A silly young man from Hong Kong
938 Had hands that were skinny and long.
939 He ate rice with his fingers--
940 The taste of it lingers,
941 But now all his fingers are gone.
943 A slick talking pirate named Bruce
944 To steal code, had a plan to seduce
946 Now Bruce wears a truss
947 And was jailed for computer abuse.
949 A software technician from Digital
950 Had hardware extremely prodigical.
951 It's rumoured, I hear,
952 That when he was near
953 He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
955 A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
956 Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
959 But the mission was saved by re-entry.
961 A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
962 His moment of sexual truth.
963 He'd expected to fall
964 On a womb's spongy wall
965 But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
967 A spinster in Kalamazoo
968 Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
969 She was seized by the nape,
970 And fucked by an ape,
971 And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
973 And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
974 But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
976 Half as stiff and as thick
977 As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
979 A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
980 Used to toss off each night while in bed.
981 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
982 That's exceedingly bad--
983 Jump in here with your mama instead."
985 A starship commander named Kirk
986 Emerged from his cabin berserk.
987 He grabbed a girl yeoman
989 And gave her a physical jerk.
991 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
992 Was having a captive, a person
994 Though she had the curse,
995 And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
997 A structured programmer named Drew
998 Was intensely turned on by "goto".
999 When he saw it in code
1000 He'd shoot off his load.
1001 It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1003 A studious professor named Nestor
1004 Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1005 But she drained out his balls
1006 And skipped up the walls,
1007 Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1009 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1010 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1011 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1012 Don't swallow that mess!"
1013 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1015 A systems programmer named Sprotic
1016 Found his software intensely erotic.
1019 It's possible that he's psychotic.
1021 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1022 Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1023 While the man detumesced
1024 She still spent on with zest,
1025 Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1027 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1028 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1029 While this worthy had fits
1030 The team made eight hits
1031 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1033 A teenage protester named Lil
1034 Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
1035 First they bugged our martinis,
1036 Our bras and bikinis,
1037 And now they are bugging the pill."
1039 A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1040 Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1041 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1042 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1043 And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1045 A tidy young lady of Streator
1046 Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1047 She always would say,
1048 "I prefer it this way.
1049 I think it is very much neater."
1051 A timid young woman named Jane
1052 Found parties a terrible strain;
1053 With movements uncertain
1054 She'd hide in a curtain
1055 And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1058 A tired young trollop of Nome
1059 Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1060 Eight miners came screwing,
1061 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1062 One of you has to go home!"
1064 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
1065 Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
1066 The result of this fuck
1067 Was a three titted duck,
1068 A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
1070 A tutor who tooted a flute
1071 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1072 Said the two to the tutor:
1073 "Is it harder to toot or
1074 To tutor two tutors to toot"
1076 A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1077 Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1078 He covered the platter
1079 With bats' fecal matter.
1080 Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1082 A very intelligent turtle
1083 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1084 The system, you see,
1085 Ran as slow as did he,
1086 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1088 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1089 His balls are as large as her tits,
1090 Her tits are as large
1091 As an invasion barge--
1092 Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1094 A wanton young lady from Wimley
1095 Reproached for not acting quite primly
1096 Said, "Heavens above!
1097 I know sex isn't love,
1098 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1100 A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1101 She used it for many a bunt.
1102 But the unlucky wench
1103 Got it caught in her trench ---
1104 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1105 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1107 A weary old lecher named Blott
1108 Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1109 Too lazy to rape her,
1110 He made darts out of paper,
1111 Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1113 A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1114 Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1115 With a special erection
1116 He could play a selection
1117 From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1119 A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1120 Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1121 With eyes full of malice
1122 He pulled out his phallus,
1123 And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1125 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1126 Had a hole as big as a basket.
1128 In it now, you could hide,
1129 And include with your luggage your mascot.
1131 A widow whose singular vice
1132 Was to keep her late husband on ice
1133 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1134 I'll never defrost him!
1135 Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1137 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1138 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1139 He can take in his beak
1140 Enough food for a week.
1141 I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1143 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1144 Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1145 The hair on their balls
1146 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1147 But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1149 A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1150 Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1151 But when everything's cleared,
1152 He gives way to the weird,
1153 As he lovingly busses each table.
1155 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1156 Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1157 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1158 Then slip your big dick
1159 Between these lips covered with hair."
1161 A worried young man from Stamboul
1162 Discovered red spots on his tool.
1163 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1164 "Get out of my clinic
1165 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
1167 A young bride and groom of Australia
1168 Remarked as they joined genitalia:
1169 "Though the system seems odd,
1170 We are thankful that God
1171 Developed the genus Mammalia."
1173 A young fellow discovered through Freud
1174 That although of penis devoid,
1175 He could practice coitus
1177 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1179 A young Juliet of St. Louis
1180 On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1182 But he wasn't well timed,
1183 And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1185 A young lad named Lester McGraw
1186 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1187 As he watched him stick her
1188 He said, with a snicker,
1189 "You do it much faster than Paw."
1191 A young lady sat by the sea,
1192 Just as proper as proper could be.
1193 A young fellow goosed her,
1194 And roughly seduced her,
1195 So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1197 A young lady who lived by the Usk
1198 Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1199 She ate the first bite
1200 Before it was light,
1201 And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1204 A young lass got married at Chester;
1205 Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
1206 Said she, "You're in luck --
1207 'E's a stunning good fuck,
1208 For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
1210 A young maiden from France was no prude,
1211 She decided to dive in the nude,
1212 But her buddy, behind,
1213 Went out of his mind,
1214 When he noticed where she was tattooed.
1216 A young man by a girl was desired
1217 To give her the thrills she required,
1218 But he died of old age
1219 Ere his cock could assuage
1220 The volcanic desire it inspired.
1222 A young man from the banks of the Po
1223 Found his cock had elongated so,
1226 But only his neighbors who'd know.
1228 A young man grew increasingly peaky
1229 In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1230 The ferns curled up brown,
1231 The ceilings flaked down,
1232 And all of the faucets were leaky.
1235 A young man maintained that his trigger
1236 Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1237 But this long and thick pud
1238 Was so heavy it could
1239 Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1241 A young man of acumen and daring,
1242 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1243 Was left quite alone
1244 When it soon became known
1245 That their use at his board was unsparing.
1248 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1249 While bent over plucking a dingle
1250 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1251 Taking turns at his pod
1252 While they sang some impossible jingle.
1254 A young man with passions quite gingery
1255 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1256 He slapped her behind
1257 And made up his mind
1258 To add incest to insult and injury.
1260 A young polo-player of Berkeley
1261 Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
1262 In the midst of each chukker
1263 He would break off and fuck her
1264 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1266 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1267 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1268 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1270 For I cannot live up to your ass."
1272 A young woman got married at Chester,
1273 Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1274 Says she, "You're in luck,
1275 He's a stunning good fuck,
1276 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1278 According to experts, the oyster
1279 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1282 Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1284 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1285 Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1286 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1287 When he parted her thighs;
1288 "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1290 All the female apes ran from King Kong
1291 For his dong was unspeakably long.
1292 But a friendly giraffe
1293 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1294 And ecstatically burst into song.
1296 An aesthete from South Carolina
1297 Had a cock that tickled like China,
1298 But while shooting his load
1299 It cracked like old Spode,
1300 So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1302 An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1303 Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1304 She will use her bare fist
1305 If the fellows insist
1306 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1308 An AI researcher named Bluth
1309 Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1311 Which he taught certain tricks
1312 Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1314 An amazon giantess named Dunne
1315 Let a midget screw her for fun.
1316 But the poor little runt
1317 Was engulfed in her cunt
1318 And re-born as the twin of his son.
1320 An ambitious lady named Harriet
1321 Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1322 By seventeen sailors
1323 A monk and three tailors,
1324 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1326 An anonymous woman we knew
1327 Was dozing one day in her pew;
1328 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1329 She said, "Count me in
1330 As soon as the service is through."
1332 An architect fellow named Yoric
1333 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1334 Display for selection
1335 Three kinds of erection-
1336 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
1338 An ardent young man named Magruder
1339 Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1340 She thought it quite lewd
1341 To be wooed in the nude,
1342 But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1344 An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1345 Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1347 And sheep are divine
1348 But llamas are numero uno."
1350 An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1351 Had a fetish involving the net.
1352 As he fondled his IMP
1353 His cock went from limp
1354 To as hard as concrete which has set.
1356 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1357 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1358 She was finally the prize
1359 Of a man twice her size
1360 And all she recalls is the ache.
1362 An artist who lived in Australia
1363 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1364 The drawing was fine,
1365 The colour - divine,
1366 The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1368 An eager young hacker named Gus
1369 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1370 The hardware went bad,
1371 But not the young lad
1372 (Except for the toupee and truss).
1374 An earnest young woman in Thrace
1375 Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1376 So he gave her a thwack,
1377 And did on her back,
1378 What he couldn't have done face to face.
1380 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1381 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1382 Used on Saturday nights
1383 To turn down the lights,
1384 And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1387 An envious girl named McMeanus
1388 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1389 It was small consolation
1390 That the rest of the nation
1391 Of women were with her in weeness.
1393 An exotic young lady named Suki
1394 Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1395 When asked for a fuck
1396 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1397 See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1399 An impish young fellow named James
1400 Had a passion for idiot games.
1402 Of his lady's affair
1403 And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1405 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1406 Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1407 He was gathering semen
1409 By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1411 An incautious young woman named Venn
1412 Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1413 She vanished one day,
1414 But the following May
1415 Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1418 An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1419 Had often occasion to travel;
1420 On the way she would sit
1422 And on the way back she'd unravel.
1425 An ingenious young man in South Bend
1426 Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1427 But the friend shortly found
1428 Its construction unsound,
1429 It was simply a bother -- no end.
1431 An innocent maiden named Herridge
1432 Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
1433 When she later found out
1434 What her spouse was about,
1435 She threw herself under a carriage.
1438 An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1439 Asked the man who started to bore 'er:
1440 "Do you mean birds and bees
1441 Go through antics like these,
1442 To supply us our fauna and flora?"
1444 An irate young lady named Booker
1445 Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1446 If you want it queer ways,
1447 Go to whores for your lays!"
1448 So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1451 To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1452 This was not from compunction,
1453 But due to dysfunction
1454 Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1456 An old couple just at Shrovetide
1457 Were having a piece -- when he died.
1459 Sat tight on his peak,
1460 And bounced up and down as she cried.
1462 An old electronic designer
1463 Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1464 He couldn't carry them out
1465 For his prick was too stout,
1466 And too small was the minor's vagina.
1468 An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1469 Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1470 But he was not removed
1471 Till one day it was proved
1472 That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1475 An old maid who had a pet ape
1476 Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1477 His red, hairy phallus
1478 So filled her with malice
1479 That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1481 An old man at the Folies Bergere
1482 Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1483 It snipped off a twat-curl
1484 From each new chorus girl,
1485 And he had a wig made of the hair.
1487 An organist playing in York
1488 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1489 And between obbligatos
1490 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1491 To keep up his strength while at work.
1493 An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1494 Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1495 Her climatic fame spread
1496 With an ad blitz that said:
1497 Coming soon at a theater near you!
1499 An uptight young lady named Breerley
1500 Who valued her morals too dearly
1502 Only once every year,
1503 And she strained her vagina severely.
1505 And then there's the story that's fraught
1506 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1507 When a chap took a crap
1508 In the woods, and a trap
1509 Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1511 As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1512 Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1513 Since he thinks it's effete
1514 To be beating his meat,
1515 What he's into is licking his chops.
1517 As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1518 Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1520 And possible heavens,
1521 Existence will merely annoy."
1523 As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
1524 Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1525 I could not bear the loss,
1526 For with scarlet silk floss
1527 My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1530 As tourists inspected the apse
1531 An ominous series of raps
1532 Came from under the altar,
1533 Which caused some to falter
1534 And others to shriek and collapse.
1537 Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1538 "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1540 In the eastertide sun?"
1541 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1543 At a contest for farting in Butte
1544 One lady's exertion was cute:
1547 And three judges were felled by the brute.
1549 At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1550 Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1551 Letting all comers press
1552 Through the skirt of her dress
1553 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1555 At the end of all civilization
1556 Is the planet Terminus's location.
1557 There's a girl there whose feat,
1558 Without stone or concrete,
1559 Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1561 At the moment Japan declared war
1562 A sailor was fucking a whore.
1563 He said, "After this poke
1564 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1565 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1567 At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1568 Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1569 It beats all night long
1571 As it staggers about in the creepers.
1574 At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1575 Though of love we are never penurious.
1576 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1577 Though we may die old maids,
1578 At least we shall never die curious.
1580 At whist drives and strawberry teas
1581 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1582 But when she was alone
1583 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1584 And weep from a sense of unease.
1587 Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1588 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1589 In the morning he'd not
1591 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1594 Back in the days of old Adam
1595 The grass served as mattress for madam,
1596 And they spent the whole day
1597 On the sex that today
1598 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1600 Each Friday his engines abort,
1601 But Scotty is never caught short.
1602 He fills his machines
1603 With space-navy beans,
1604 And farts the ship back into port.
1606 Each night Father fills me with dread
1607 When he sits on the foot of my bed;
1608 I'd not mind that he speaks
1609 In gibbers and squeaks,
1610 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1613 From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1614 Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1615 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1617 Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1619 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1620 There is really abominable news;
1621 They've discovered a head
1622 In the box for the bread,
1623 But nobody seems to know whose.
1626 From the bathing machine came a din
1627 As of jollification within;
1628 It was heard far and wide,
1629 And the incoming tide
1630 Had a definite flavour of gin.
1633 "Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1634 Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1635 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1636 My whole tongue has been raw--
1637 It must have been something I ate."
1639 In the case of a lady named Frost,
1640 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
1641 It's the best part of valor
1642 To bugger the gal, or
1643 You're apt to fall in and get lost.
1645 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
1646 Complacently stroking his madam,
1647 And loud was his mirth
1648 For on all of the earth
1649 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
1651 It always delights me at Hank's
1652 To walk up the old river banks.
1653 One time in the grass
1654 I stepped on an ass,
1655 And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
1657 It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
1658 Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
1659 They sat in her Bentley,
1660 She fondled him gently,
1661 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
1663 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
1664 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
1665 Where ten thousand virgins
1666 Succumbed to his urgin's
1667 There now stands the great State of Utah.
1669 The latest reports from Good Hope
1670 State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
1671 And fuck high, wide, and free,
1672 From the top of one tree
1673 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
1675 The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
1676 Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
1677 Once Congress in session,
1678 Declared its suppression,
1679 But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
1681 The limerick is furtive and mean;
1682 You must keep her in close quarantine,
1683 Or she sneaks to the slums
1684 And promptly becomes
1685 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1688 The old archeologist, Throstle,
1689 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
1690 He knew from its bend
1691 And the knot on the end,
1692 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
1694 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
1695 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
1696 As they knelt on the hassock
1697 He lifted his cassock
1698 And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
1700 There once was a boy named Carruthers
1701 Who was busily fucking his mother
1702 "I know it's a sin,"
1703 He said, shoving it in,
1704 "But it's better than blowing my brother."
1706 There once was a chick named Longet,
1707 Who went out to Aspen to play.
1708 Along came a Spyder,
1709 Who sat down beside her
1710 And she blew the poor bastard away.
1712 There once was a clergyman's daughter
1713 Who detested the pony he bought her,
1714 Till she found that its dong
1715 Was as hard and as long
1716 As the prayers her father had taught her.
1718 She married a fellow named Tony
1719 Who soon found her fucking the pony.
1720 Said he, "What's it got,
1721 My dear, that I've not?"
1722 Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
1724 There once was a couple named Kelley,
1725 Who lived their life belly to belly.
1726 Because in their haste
1727 They used library paste,
1728 Instead of petroleum jelly.
1730 There once was a dentist named Stone
1731 Who saw all his patients alone.
1732 In a fit of depravity
1733 He filled the wrong cavity,
1734 And my, how his practice has grown!
1736 There once was a Duchess of Beever
1737 Who slept with her golden retriever.
1738 Said the potted old Duke:
1739 "Such tricks make me puke!
1740 Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
1742 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
1743 Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
1744 Said the king to this dame
1745 As he thunderously came:
1746 "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
1748 There once was a fag of Khartoum
1749 Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
1750 They argued all night,
1751 Over who had the right,
1752 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
1754 There once was a fairy named Avers
1755 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
1756 Though buggers all claimed
1757 That their asses were maimed,
1758 Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
1760 There once was a fellow named Bob
1761 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
1762 One day he was swimmin'
1763 With twelve naked women
1764 And deserted them all for a gob.
1766 There once was a fellow named Brewster
1767 Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
1768 "It used to be grand
1770 You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
1772 There once was a fellow named Howard,
1773 Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
1774 While grabbing some ass,
1775 He reached critical mass,
1776 But think of the girl he deflowered!
1778 There once was a fellow named Potts
1779 Who was prone to having the trots
1780 But his humble abode
1781 Was without a commode
1782 So his carpet was covered with spots.
1784 There once was a fellow named Siegel
1785 Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
1786 But the mettlesome bitch
1787 Turned and said with a twitch,
1788 "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
1790 There once was a fencer named Fisk,
1791 Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
1792 So fast was his action,
1793 The Fitzgerald contraction,
1794 Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
1796 There once was a fiesty young terrier
1797 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
1798 He'd yip and he'd yap,
1799 Then leap up and snap;
1800 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
1802 There once was a floozie named Annie
1803 Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
1805 Fifty cents for a suck,
1806 And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
1808 There once was a freshman named Lin,
1809 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1811 From a bible belt home,
1812 Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1814 There once was a gangster named Brown
1815 - the sneakiest bastard in town.
1816 He was caught by G-men
1818 Where the cops would slip and fall down.
1820 There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
1821 Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
1822 Sheep are just fine,
1824 But iguanas are Numero Uno."
1826 There once was a gay young Parisian
1827 Who screwed an appendix incision,
1828 And the girl of his choice
1829 Could hardly rejoice
1830 At the horrible lack of precision.
1832 There once was a girl from Cornell
1833 Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
1834 When you touched them they shrunk,
1835 Except when she was drunk,
1836 And then they got bigger than hell.
1838 There once was a girl from Decatur,
1839 Who got laid by a big alligator.
1841 The result of that screw,
1842 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
1844 There once was a girl from Madras
1845 Who had such a beautiful ass -
1846 It was not round and pink
1847 (As you bastards think)
1848 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
1850 There once was a girl from Spokane,
1851 Went to bed with a one-legged man.
1852 She said, "I know you--
1853 You've really got two!
1854 Why didn't you say so when we began?"
1856 There once was a girl named Irene
1857 Who lived on distilled kerosene
1858 But she started absorbin'
1860 And since then has never benzene.
1862 There once was a girl named Louise
1863 Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
1864 The crabs in her twat
1865 Tied the hairs in a knot
1866 And constructed a flying trapeze
1868 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
1869 Who was diddled amazingly often.
1870 She was rogered by scores
1871 Who'd been turned down by whores,
1872 And was finally screwed in her coffin.
1874 There once was a girl named Priscilla
1875 Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
1876 The taste was so fine
1877 Man and beast stood in line
1878 (Including a stud armadilla).
1880 There once was a girl so lovely,
1881 Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
1882 She strapped on her tanks,
1883 And started her pranks,
1884 But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
1886 There once was a golfer named Leer,
1887 Who got put in the clink for a year,
1888 For an action obscene,
1889 On the very first green.
1890 Where the sign said "Enter course here."
1892 There once was a gouty old colonel
1893 Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
1894 And he cried in his tiffin
1895 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
1896 And the size of the thing was infernal.
1898 There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
1899 Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
1900 But when I meet boys,
1902 Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
1904 There once was a hacker named Ken
1905 Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
1906 So he built him some chicks,
1908 And hasn't been heard from since then.
1910 There once was a handsome young seaman
1911 Who with ladies was really a demon.
1914 He could certainly dish out the semen.
1916 There once was a horny old bitch
1917 With a motorized self-frigger which
1918 She would use with delight
1919 All day long and all night -
1920 Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
1922 There once was a horse named Lily
1923 Whose dingus was really a dilly.
1924 It was vaginoid duply,
1925 And labial quadruply --
1926 In fact, he was really a filly.
1928 There once was a husky young Viking
1929 Whose sexual prowess was striking.
1930 Every time he got hot
1931 He would scour the twat
1932 Of some girl that might be to his liking.
1934 There once was a jolly old bloke
1935 Who picked up a girl for a poke.
1936 He took down her pants,
1937 Fucked her into a trance,
1938 And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
1940 There once was a kiddie named Carr
1941 Caught a man on top of his mar.
1942 As he saw him stick 'er,
1943 He said with a snicker,
1944 "You do it much faster than par."
1946 There once was a lady from Kansas
1947 Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
1948 It was nine inches deep
1949 And the sides were quite steep --
1950 It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
1952 There once was a lady named Carter,
1953 Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
1954 She stripped off his pants,
1955 At his prick quickly glanced,
1956 And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
1958 There once was a lady named Clair,
1959 Who possessed a magnificent pair.
1960 Or that's what I thought,
1961 Till I saw one get caught,
1962 On a thorn and begin losing air.
1964 There once was a lady named Myrtle
1965 Who had an affair with a turtle.
1966 She had crabs, so they say,
1968 Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
1970 There once was a lawyer named Rex
1971 With minuscule organs of sex.
1972 Arraigned for exposure,
1973 He maintained with composure,
1974 "De minimis non curat lex."
1976 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
1978 There once was a lifeguard named Lee
1979 Who rescued a girl from the sea
1980 She asked how to pay,
1981 And he said "Try this way,
1982 Go down for the third time on me."
1984 There once was a maid from Mobile
1985 Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
1986 She only got thrills
1987 From pneumatic drills
1988 And an off-centered emery wheel.
1990 There once was a man from Bombay
1991 He would do it all night and all day
1993 You shoulda' heard him roar
1994 When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
1996 There once was a man from Calcutta
1997 Who used to beat off in the gutta
2000 And turned all his cream into butta!
2002 There once was a man from Dunoon,
2003 Who always ate soup with a fork.
2005 Either fish, foul or flesh,
2006 I otherwise finish too quick."
2008 There once was a man from Nantucket
2009 Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
2010 His daughter, named Nan,
2011 Ran away with a man,
2012 And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
2014 The pair of them went to Manhasset,
2015 (Nan and the man with the asset.)
2016 Pa followed them there,
2017 But they left in a tear,
2018 And as for the asset, Manhasset.
2020 Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
2021 (Nan and the man with the bucket.)
2023 "You're welcome to Nan."
2024 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
2026 There once was a man from Racine,
2027 Who invented a screwing machine.
2028 Both concave and convex,
2029 It could please either sex,
2030 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2032 There once was a man from Sandem
2033 Who was making his girl on a tandem.
2034 At the peak of the make
2035 She jammed on the brake
2036 And scattered his semen at random.
2038 There once was a man from Sydney
2039 Who could put it up to her kidney.
2040 But the man from Quebec
2041 Put it up to her neck;
2042 He had a big one, now didn't he?
2044 There once was a man named McGruder,
2045 Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
2046 But the girl thought it crude,
2047 To be wooed in the nude,
2048 So McGru took an oar and subduder.
2050 There once was a man named McSweeny
2051 Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
2054 And slipped his best girl a martini.
2056 There once was a man named Parridge
2057 With peculiar views on marriage.
2058 He sucked off his brother,
2059 Fucked his own mother,
2060 And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
2062 There once was a man with a hernia
2063 Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
2064 When you work on my middle
2065 Be sure you don't fiddle
2066 With things that do not concern ya."
2068 There once was a member of Mensa
2069 Who was a most excellent fencer.
2070 The sword that he used
2071 Was his -- (line is refused,
2072 And has now been removed by the censor).
2074 There once was a miner named Dave,
2075 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
2076 She was ugly as shit,
2077 And missing one tit,
2078 But think of the money he saves.
2080 There once was a monk of Camyre
2081 Who was seized with a carnal desire
2082 And the primary cause
2083 Was the abbess's drawers
2084 Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
2086 There once was a newspaper vendor,
2087 A person of dubious gender.
2088 He would charge one-and-two
2089 For permission to view
2090 His remarkable double pudenda.
2092 There once was a plumber from Leigh
2093 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
2094 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
2095 I think someone's coming!"
2096 Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
2098 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
2099 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
2100 Her mind lost its grasp -
2101 Now she thinks she's an asp
2102 And just sits in the corner and hrs.
2104 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
2105 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
2106 Till a prince from Peru
2107 Who came up for a screw
2108 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
2110 There once was a reverend at Kings
2111 Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
2112 But his heart was on fire
2113 For a boy in the choir
2114 Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
2116 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
2117 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
2118 What they do to my wife --
2119 Why it ruins my life;
2120 And the worst is they all do it well."
2122 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
2123 A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
2124 He could jerk himself off
2126 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
2128 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
2129 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
2130 But it wasn't the size
2131 That caused such surprise;
2132 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
2134 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
2135 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
2136 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
2137 And fuck to a frazzle,
2138 And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
2140 There once was a spaceman named Spock
2141 Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
2142 A girl from Missouri
2143 Whose name was Uhura
2144 Just fainted away from the shock.
2146 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
2147 Discovered his sex life was hapless:
2148 The more he would screw
2149 The more he'd want to,
2150 And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
2152 There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
2153 Whose gender was kept in the dark.
2154 He/she/it said with a nod,
2155 "My ancestors were odd!"
2156 Did Noah need two for the ark?
2158 There once was a whore from Regina
2159 Who had a stupendous vagina.
2160 To save herself time,
2161 She had six at a time,
2162 And another one working behind her.
2164 There once was a woman from Arden
2165 Who sucked off a man in a garden.
2166 He said, "My dear Flo,
2167 Where does all that stuff go?"
2168 And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
2170 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
2171 Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
2172 But he lurked in the ditches
2173 And diddled the bitches
2174 Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
2176 There once was a young girl from Natches
2177 Who chanced to be born with two snatches
2178 She often said, "Shit!
2180 For a guy with equipment that matches."
2182 There once was a young man from Boston
2183 Who drove around town in an Austin,
2184 There was room for his ass,
2185 And a gallon of gas,
2186 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
2188 There once was a young man from France
2189 Who waited ten years for his chance;
2190 Then he muffed it...
2192 There once was a young man from Yuma
2193 Who attempted sex with a puma
2194 He gave up real quick
2195 Minus nose, toes, and prick
2196 In obvious pain and ill huma.
2198 There once was a young man from Yuma,
2199 Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
2200 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
2201 Under hot Asian skies,
2202 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
2204 There once was a young man named Clyde
2205 Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
2206 He had a twin brother
2208 And now they're interred side by side.
2210 There once was a young man named Lancelot
2211 Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
2212 For when he should pass
2214 The front of his pants would advance a lot.
2216 There once was an Arpanet freak,
2217 Who better response-time did seek.
2218 He searched coast to coast,
2219 For a reliable host,
2220 Whose logger took less than a week.
2222 There once was an old man from Esser,
2223 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
2224 It at last grew so small,
2225 He knew nothing at all,
2226 And now he's a College Professor.
2228 There once were two brothers named Luntz
2229 Who buggered each other at once.
2230 When asked to account
2231 For this intricate mount,
2232 They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
2234 There was a bluestocking in Florence
2235 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
2236 Till a Spanish grandee,
2237 Got her off with his knee,
2238 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
2240 There was a family named Doe,
2241 An ideal family to know.
2242 As father screwed mother,
2243 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
2244 And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
2246 There was a fat lady of China
2247 Who'd a really enormous vagina,
2248 And when she was dead
2249 They painted it red,
2250 And used it for docking a liner.
2252 There was a fat man from Rangoon
2253 Whose prick was much like a balloon.
2254 He tried hard to ride her
2255 And when finally inside her
2256 She thought she was pregnant too soon.
2258 There was a gay countess of Bray,
2259 And you may think it odd when I say,
2260 That in spite of high station,
2262 She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
2264 There was a gay dog from Ontario
2265 Who fancied himself a Lothario.
2267 He'd snatch off his pants
2268 And make for her Mons Venerio.
2270 There was a gay parson of Norton
2271 Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
2272 To make up for this loss,
2273 He had balls like a horse,
2274 And never spent less than a quartern.
2276 There was a gay parson of Tooting
2277 Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
2278 Till he married a lass
2279 With a face like my arse,
2280 And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
2282 There was a lewd fellow named Duff
2283 Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
2284 With his head in a whirl
2285 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
2286 I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
2288 There was a man from Mich.
2289 Who used to wish and wich.
2290 That spring would come
2292 Around and go out fich.
2294 There was a pianist named Liszt
2295 Who played with one hand while he pissed,
2296 But as he grew older
2297 His technique grew bolder,
2298 And in concert jacked off with his fist.
2300 There was a poor parson from Goring,
2301 Who made a small hole in his flooring,
2302 Fur-lined it all round,
2303 Then laid on the ground,
2304 And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
2306 There was a strong man of Drumrig
2307 Who one day did seven times frig.
2308 He buggered three sailors,
2309 Four dogs and two tailors,
2310 And ended by fucking a pig.
2312 There was a teenager named Donna
2313 Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
2314 Two days out of three
2315 She would shoot LSD,
2316 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
2318 There was a young belle of old Natchez
2319 Whose garments were always in patchez.
2321 On the state of her clothes
2322 She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
2324 There was a young blade from South Greece
2325 Whose bush did so greatly increase
2326 That before he could shack
2327 He must hunt needle in stack.
2328 'Twas as bad as being obese.
2330 There was a young bride, a Canuck,
2331 Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
2332 You say that I, maybe,
2333 Can have my first baby--
2334 Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
2336 There was a young bride of Antigua
2337 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
2338 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
2339 Why, you've only felt my twot,
2340 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
2342 There was a young chap in Arabia
2343 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
2344 "Yes, my tongue is as long
2345 As the average man's dong,"
2346 He said, licking the lips of her labia.
2348 There was a young cook with the art
2349 Of making a delicious tart
2350 With a handful of shit,
2351 Some snot and some spit,
2352 And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
2354 There was a young curate whose brain
2355 Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
2356 He lured a small child
2357 To a copse dark and wild,
2358 Where he beat it to death with his cane.
2361 There was a young damsel named Baker
2362 Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
2363 He yelled, "My God! what
2364 Do you call this -- a twat?
2365 Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
2367 There was a young dolly named Molly
2368 Who thought that to frig was a folly.
2369 Said she, "Your pee-pee
2370 Means nothing to me,
2371 But I'll do it just to be jolly."
2373 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
2374 In bed with a passionate gal.
2375 He leapt from the bed,
2376 To the toilet he sped;
2377 Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
2379 There was a young fellow from Florida
2380 Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
2381 When they got into bed
2382 He cried, "God strike me dead!
2383 This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
2385 There was a young fellow from Leeds
2386 Who swallowed a package of seeds.
2387 Great tufts of grass
2388 Sprouted out of his ass
2389 And his balls were all covered with weeds.
2391 There was a young fellow from Parma
2392 Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
2393 Said the damsel demure,
2394 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
2395 But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
2397 There was a young fellow name Tucker
2398 Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
2399 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
2400 Like an elephant's hips,
2401 The boys like it best when they pucker."
2403 There was a young fellow named Ades
2404 Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
2405 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
2406 And the knot holes in doors
2407 Were by no means exempt from his raids.
2409 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
2410 Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
2411 But a girl from Johore
2412 Could do it twice more,
2413 Which was just enough extra to crab it.
2415 There was a young fellow named Bill,
2416 Who took an atomic pill,
2418 His asshole exploded,
2419 And they found his nuts in Brazil.
2421 There was a young fellow named Blaine,
2422 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2423 She was ugly and smelly
2424 With an awful pot-belly,
2425 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2427 There was a young fellow named Bliss
2428 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
2430 His recalcitrant penis
2431 Would never do better than t
2437 There was a young fellow named Bowen
2438 Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
2439 It grew so tremendous,
2440 So long and so pendulous,
2441 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
2443 There was a young fellow named Brewer
2444 Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
2445 Thus he, the poor soul,
2446 Could get into her hole,
2447 And still not be able to screw her!
2449 There was a young fellow named Case
2450 Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
2451 He licked his way clean
2452 Through Number thirteen,
2453 But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
2455 There was a young fellow named Charteris
2456 Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
2457 Said she, "I don't mind,
2458 And higher up you'll find
2459 The place where my fucker and farter is."
2461 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
2462 Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
2463 They were inches apart,
2464 And to suck it took art,
2465 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
2467 There was a young fellow named dick
2468 Who had a magnificent prick.
2469 It was shaped like a prism
2470 And shot so much gism
2471 It made every cocksucker sick.
2473 There was a young fellow named Feeney
2474 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
2475 The hatch of her snatch
2476 Had a catch that would latch
2477 - She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2479 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
2480 Was reputed an infamous lecher.
2481 When he'd take on a whore
2482 She'd need a rebore,
2483 And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
2485 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
2486 Whose marriage was ruined for life,
2487 For he had an aversion
2488 To every perversion,
2489 And only liked fucking his wife.
2491 Well, one year the poor woman struck,
2492 And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
2493 And said, "Where have you gotten us
2494 With your goddamn monotonous
2495 Fuck after fuck after fuck?
2497 "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
2498 And a versatile girl she was, too.
2499 After ten years of whoredom
2500 She perished of boredom
2501 When she married a jackass like you!"
2503 There was a young fellow named Gene
2504 Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
2505 He next picked his toes,
2506 And lastly his nose,
2507 And he never did wash in between.
2509 There was a young fellow named Gluck
2510 Who found himself shit out of luck.
2511 Though he petted and wooed,
2512 When he tried to get screwed
2513 He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
2515 There was a young fellow named Goody
2516 Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
2517 If he found himself nude
2518 With a gal in the mood
2519 The question's not woody but could he?
2521 There was a young fellow named Grant
2522 Who was made like the sensitive plant.
2523 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
2524 He replied, "No such luck.
2525 I would if I could, but I can't."
2527 There was a young fellow named Grimes
2528 Who fucked his girl seventeen times
2529 In the course of a week --
2530 And this isn't to speak
2531 Of assorted venereal crimes.
2533 There was a young fellow named Harry,
2534 Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
2535 He grabbed him a virgin,
2536 Who, without any urgin',
2537 Immediately spread like a fairy.
2539 There was a young fellow named Hatch
2540 Who was fond of the music of Bach.
2541 He said: "It's not fussy
2542 Like Brahms and Debussy;
2543 Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
2545 There was a young fellow named Kimble
2546 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
2547 But fragile and slender,
2548 And dainty and tender,
2549 So he kept it encased in a thimble.
2551 There was a young fellow named Meek
2552 Who invented a lingual technique.
2553 It drove women frantic,
2554 And made them romantic,
2555 And wore all the hair off his cheek.
2557 There was a young fellow named Morgan
2558 Who possessed an unusual organ:
2559 The end of his dong,
2560 Which was nine inches long,
2561 Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
2563 There was a young fellow named Paul
2564 Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
2565 But the size of my prick
2566 Is God's dirtiest trick,
2567 For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
2569 There was a young fellow named Pell
2570 Who didn't like cunt very well.
2571 He would finger or fuck one,
2572 But never would suck one--
2573 He just couldn't get used to the smell.
2575 There was a young fellow named Price
2576 Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
2577 He had virgins and boys
2578 And mechanical toys,
2579 And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
2581 There was a young fellow named Prynne
2582 Whose prick was so short and so thin,
2583 His wife found she needed
2584 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
2585 To see if he'd gotten it in.
2587 There was a young fellow named Skinner
2588 Who took a young lady to dinner
2589 At a quarter to nine,
2590 They sat down to dine,
2591 At twenty to ten it was in her.
2592 The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
2594 There was a young fellow named Tupper
2595 Who took a young lady to supper.
2596 At a quarter to nine,
2597 They sat down to dine,
2598 And at twenty to ten it was up her.
2599 Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
2601 There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
2602 Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
2603 The hatch of her snatch,
2604 Had a catch that would latch,
2605 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2607 There was a young fellow of Burma
2608 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
2609 But now that he's married he's
2610 Been using cantharides
2611 And the root of their love is much firmer.
2613 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
2614 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
2616 It was wound on a spool,
2617 And he reeled it out inich by inich.
2619 But this tale has an unhappy finich,
2620 For due to the sand in the spinach
2621 His ballocks grew rough
2622 And wrecked his wife's muff,
2623 And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
2625 There was a young fellow of Harrow
2626 Whose john was the size of a marrow.
2627 He said to his tart,
2628 "How's this for a start?
2629 My balls are outside in a barrow."
2631 There was a young fellow of Kent
2632 Whose prick was so long that it bent,
2633 So to save himself trouble
2634 He put it in double,
2635 And instead of coming he went.
2637 There was a young fellow of Mayence
2638 Who fucked his own arse in defiance
2640 And morals, dad-bust him,
2641 But of most of the known laws of science.
2643 There was a young fellow of Perth
2644 Whose balls were the finest on earth.
2645 They grew to such size
2646 That one won a prize,
2647 And goodness knows what they were worth.
2649 There was a young fellow of Strensall
2650 Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
2651 On the night of his wedding
2652 It went through the bedding,
2653 And shattered the chamber utensil.
2655 There was a young fellow of Warwick
2656 Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
2657 For he could by election
2658 Have triune erection:
2659 Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
2661 There was a young fellow whose dong
2662 Was prodigiously massive and long.
2663 On each side of his whang
2665 That attracted a curious throng.
2667 There was a young German named Ringer
2668 Who was screwing an opera singer.
2669 Said he with a grin,
2670 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
2671 Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
2673 There was a young girl from Annista
2674 Who dated a lecherous mister.
2675 He fondled her titty,
2676 Got one finger shitty,
2677 Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
2679 There was a young girl from Decatur
2680 Who was raped by an alligator.
2681 But no one quite knew
2682 How she relished that screw,
2683 For after he screwed her, he ate her.
2685 There was a young girl from Dundee,
2686 From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
2687 No one ate the nice fruit,
2688 To tell you the truth,
2689 Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
2691 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2692 Who said, "You are utterly wrong
2694 Is the largest in China
2695 Just because of your mean little dong."
2697 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2698 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
2699 She said with a yell,
2700 As a shot rang her bell,
2701 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
2703 There was a young girl from Medina
2704 Who could completely control her vagina.
2705 She could twist it around
2706 Like the cunts that are found
2707 In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
2709 There was a young girl from New York
2710 Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
2712 Made the grade it is true,
2713 But it totally baffled the stork.
2715 Till along came a man who presented
2716 A tool that was strangely indented.
2717 With a dizzying twirl
2718 He punctured that girl,
2719 And thus was the cork-screw invented.
2721 There was a young girl from Peru,
2722 Who had nothing whatever to do.
2723 So she sat on the stairs,
2724 And counted cunt hairs,
2725 Four thousand, three hundred and two.
2727 There was a young girl from Peru,
2728 Who noticed her lovers were few;
2729 So she walked out her door
2730 With a fig leaf, no more,
2731 And now she's in bed - with the flu.
2733 There was a young girl from Samoa
2734 Who pledged that no man would know her.
2735 One young fellow tried,
2736 But she wriggled aside,
2737 And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
2739 There was a young girl from Seattle,
2740 Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
2741 But a bull from the South
2742 Shot a wad in her mouth
2743 That made both her ovaries rattle.
2745 There was a young girl from Siam
2746 Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
2747 "To seduce me, of course,
2748 You'll have to use force,
2749 And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
2751 There was a young girl from St. Cyr
2752 Whose reflex reactions were queer.
2753 Her escort said, "Mable,
2754 Get up off the table;
2755 That money's to pay for the beer."
2757 There was a young girl from St. Paul
2758 Who went to a newspaper ball.
2759 Her dress caught on fire
2760 And burnt her entire
2761 Front page and sport section and all.
2763 There was a young girl from the Bronix
2764 Who had a vagina of onyx.
2765 She had so much `tsoris'
2767 She traded it in for a Packard.
2769 There was a young girl from the coast
2770 Who, just when she needed it most,
2771 Lost her Kotex and bled
2773 And the head and the beard of her host.
2775 There was a young girl in Berlin
2776 Who eked out a living through sin.
2777 She didn't mind fucking,
2778 But much preferred sucking,
2779 And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
2781 There was a young girl in Berlin
2782 Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
2783 Though he diddled his best,
2784 And fucked her with zest,
2785 She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
2787 There was a young girl in Dakota
2788 Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
2790 We are rationing ass,
2791 And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
2793 There was a young girl name McKnight
2794 Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
2796 With a split maidenhead--
2797 That's the last time she ever was tight.
2799 There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
2800 Who swore that no man could surprise her.
2801 But Pabst took a chance,
2802 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
2803 And now she is sadder Budweiser.
2805 There was a young girl named Heather
2806 Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
2807 She made a queer noise,
2808 Which attracted the boys,
2809 By flapping the edges together.
2811 There was a young girl named McCall
2812 Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
2813 But the size of her anus
2814 Was something quite heinous --
2815 It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
2817 There was a young girl named O'Clare
2818 Whose body was covered with hair.
2819 It was really quite fun
2820 To probe with one's gun,
2821 For her quimmy might be anywhere.
2823 There was a young girl named O'Malley
2824 Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
2825 She got roars of applause
2826 When she kicked off her drawers,
2827 But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
2829 There was a young girl named Sapphire
2830 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
2831 She said, "It's a sin,
2832 But now that it's in,
2833 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
2835 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
2836 Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
2837 She tickled the balls
2838 Of the men in the halls,
2839 And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
2841 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
2842 Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
2843 The miller's sun, Jack,
2844 Laid her flat on her back,
2845 And united the organs they pissed with.
2847 There was a young girl of Angina
2848 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
2849 From the love-making frock
2850 (With the proper sized cock)
2851 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
2853 There was a young girl of Asturias
2854 With a penchant for practices curious.
2855 She loved to bat rocks
2856 With her gentlemen's cocks --
2857 A practice both rude and injurious.
2859 There was a young girl of Batonger
2860 who diddled herself with a conger,
2861 When asked how it feels
2862 To be pleasured by eels
2863 She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
2865 There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
2866 Had a very capricious vagina:
2867 To the shock of the fucker
2868 "Twould suddenly pucker,
2869 And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
2871 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
2872 Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
2873 But it wasn't Jehovah
2874 That turned the girl over,
2875 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
2876 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
2878 There was a young girl of Cape Town
2879 Who usually fucked with a clown.
2880 He taught her the trick
2881 Of sucking his prick,
2882 And when it went up -- she went down.
2884 There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
2885 Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
2886 She was fucked at the show
2887 In the twenty-third row,
2888 And once more going home in the taxi.
2890 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
2891 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
2892 There was never a sound
2894 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
2896 There was a young girl of Des Moines
2897 Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
2898 Till a guy from Hoboken
2899 Went and dropped in a token,
2900 And now she rides free on the ferry.
2902 There was a young girl of Detroit
2903 Who at fucking was very adroit:
2904 She could squeeze her vagina
2905 To a pin-point, or finer,
2906 Or open it out like a quoit.
2908 And she had a friend named Durand
2909 Whose cock could contract or expand.
2910 He could diddle a midge
2911 Or the arch of a bridge --
2912 Their performance together was grand!
2914 There was a young girl of East Lynne
2915 Whose mother, to save her from sin,
2916 Had filled up her crack,
2917 To the brim with shellac,
2918 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
2920 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
2921 Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
2924 Should answer her prayers and assault her.
2926 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
2927 Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
2928 They were big it is true,
2929 But her cunt was big too,
2930 Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
2931 Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
2933 There was a young girl of Mobile,
2934 Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
2935 To give her a thrill,
2936 Took a rotary drill,
2937 Or a number nine emery wheel.
2939 There was a young girl of Moline
2940 Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
2941 She would work on a prick
2942 With every known trick,
2943 And finish by winking it clean.
2945 There was a young girl of Newcastle
2946 Whose charms were declared universal.
2947 While one man in front
2948 Wired into her cunt,
2949 Another was engaged at her arsehole.
2951 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
2952 Whose box was as big as a bucket.
2953 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
2954 I'll have to wear boots,
2955 For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
2957 There was a young girl of Penzance
2958 Who boarded a bus in a trance.
2959 The passengers fucked her,
2960 Likewise the conductor,
2961 While the driver shot off in his pants.
2963 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
2964 Who was had by a man in a rockery.
2965 She said, "Oh! You've come
2967 This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
2969 There was a young girl of Rangoon
2970 Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
2971 "Well, it has been great fun,"
2972 She remarked when he'd done,
2973 "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
2975 There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
2976 Whose people all thought her a virgin,
2977 Till they found her in bed
2978 With her twat very red,
2979 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
2981 There was a young girl, very sweet,
2982 Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
2983 When she sat on their lap
2984 She unbuttoned their flap,
2985 And always had plenty to eat.
2987 There was a young girl who begat
2988 Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
2989 It was fun in the breeding,
2990 But hell in the feeding,
2991 When she found there was no tit for Tat.
2993 There was a young harlot from Kew
2994 Who filled her vagina with glue.
2995 She said with a grin,
2996 "If they pay to get in,
2997 They'll pay to get out of it too."
2999 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
3000 Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
3001 And they tickled so nice
3002 She drew a high price
3003 From the studs at the summer resorts.
3005 Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
3006 Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
3007 For according to rumor
3008 His tool had a tumor
3009 And a fine row of warts down the middle.
3011 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
3012 Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
3013 The knob out in front
3015 Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
3017 There was a young idler named Blood,
3018 Made a fortune performing at stud,
3019 With a fifteen-inch peter,
3020 A double-beat metre,
3021 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
3023 There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
3024 Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
3025 Perceiving his error,
3027 Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
3029 There was a young lad from Siam,
3030 Whose sex life was caught in a jam.
3031 He loved them real small,
3032 'Cause they're funner to ball,
3033 So he went out and bought him a lamb!
3035 There was a young lad name of Durcan
3036 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3037 His father said, "Durcan!
3038 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
3039 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3041 There was a young lad name of Ward
3042 Who strung himself up with a cord
3043 Said he, of his work
3044 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
3045 "I am leaving because I am bored."
3048 There was a young lad named McFee
3049 Who was stung in the balls by a bee
3050 He made oodles of money
3051 By oozing pure honey
3052 Every time he attempted to pee.
3054 There was a young lady at sea
3055 Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
3056 Said the brawny old mate,
3057 "That accounts for the state
3058 Of the cook and the captain and me."
3060 There was a young lady called Ciss
3061 Who went to the river to piss.
3062 A young man in a punt
3063 Put his hand on her cunt;
3064 No wonder she thought it was bliss.
3066 There was a young lady from Bangor
3067 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
3069 When she heard the mate say:
3070 "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
3072 There was a young lady from Bristol
3073 Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
3074 Said she, "It's all glass,
3075 And as round as my ass,"
3076 And she farted as loud as a pistol.
3078 There was a young lady from Brussels
3079 Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
3080 She could easily plex them
3081 And so interflex them
3082 As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
3084 There was a young lady from Drew
3085 Who ended her verse at line two.
3087 There was a young lady from Dumfries
3088 Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
3089 My navel's all bare,
3090 So stick it in there,
3091 Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
3093 There was a young lady from Exeter,
3094 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3095 One was even so brave
3096 As to take out and wave
3097 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3099 There was a young lady from Hyde
3100 Who ate a green apple and died.
3101 While her lover lamented
3103 And made cider inside her inside.
3105 There was a young lady from Maine
3106 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
3107 But you knew from the view,
3108 As her abdomen grew,
3109 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
3111 There was a young lady from Munich
3112 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3113 At the height of their passion
3114 He dealt her a ration
3115 From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
3117 There was a young lady from Norway
3118 Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
3119 She told her young man,
3121 I think I've discovered one more way"
3123 There was a young lady from Prentice
3124 Who had an affair with a dentist.
3125 To make things easier
3127 And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
3129 There was a young lady from Rheims
3130 Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
3131 A friend poked around
3132 And a fly-button found
3133 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
3135 There was a young lady from Rio
3136 Who slept with the Fornier trio.
3137 As she dropped her panties
3138 She said, "No andantes,
3139 I want this allegro con brio!"
3141 There was a young lady from Siam
3142 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
3143 "You may kiss me of course,
3144 But you'll have to use force.
3145 Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
3147 There was a young lady from Spain
3148 Who demurely undressed on a train.
3149 A helpful young porter
3150 Helped more than he orter,
3151 And she promptly cried "Help me again"
3153 There was a young lady from Spain
3154 Who got sick as she rode on a train;
3155 Not once, but again,
3156 And again, and again,
3157 And again, and again, and again.
3159 There was a young lady from Spain
3160 Whose face was exceedingly plain,
3161 But her cunt had a pucker
3162 That made the men fuck her,
3163 Again, and again, and again.
3165 There was a young lady from Troy
3166 Had a moustache, just like a young boy
3167 Though it tickled to kiss
3168 'Twas a source of much bliss
3169 When she used it to brush a man's toy.
3171 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3172 Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
3173 But a cynic named Boris
3174 Just touched her clitoris
3175 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3177 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3178 Who had a peculiar feeling.
3179 She laid on her back
3180 And tickled her crack
3181 And pissed all over the ceiling.
3183 There was a young lady from Wooster
3184 Who complained that too many men gooster.
3185 So she traded her scanties
3186 For sandpaper panties,
3187 Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
3189 There was a young lady in Reno,
3190 Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
3191 But she lay on her back,
3192 And opened her crack,
3193 So now she owns the Casino!
3195 There was a young lady named Alice
3196 Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
3197 'Twas the common belief
3198 It was done for relief,
3199 And not out of protestant malice.
3201 There was a young lady named Astor
3202 Who never let any get past her.
3203 She finally got plenty
3205 Which certainly ought to last her.
3207 There was a young lady named Banker,
3208 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
3210 When she heard the mate say,
3211 "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
3213 There was a young lady named Blount
3214 Who had a rectangular cunt.
3215 She learned for diversion
3216 Posterior perversion,
3217 Since no one could fit here in front.
3219 There was a young lady named Bower
3220 Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
3221 But a poet from Perth
3222 Laid her flat on the earth,
3223 And proceeded with penis to plough her.
3225 There was a young lady named Brent
3226 With a cunt of enormous extent,
3227 And so deep and so wide,
3228 The acoustics inside
3229 Were so good you could hear when you spent.
3231 There was a young lady named Bright
3232 Who could travel much faster than light.
3233 She took off one day,
3235 And returned on the previous night.
3237 There was a young lady named Brook
3238 Who never could learn how to cook.
3240 She could please any man-
3241 She knew every darn trick in the book!
3243 There was a young lady named Cager
3244 Who, as the result of a wager,
3246 The entire oboe part
3247 Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
3249 There was a young lady named Ciss
3250 Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
3251 But she'll never restate,
3252 For a wheel off her skate
3253 .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
3255 There was a young lady named Dot
3256 Whose cunt was so terribly hot
3257 That ten bishops of Rome
3258 And the Pope's private gnome
3259 Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
3261 There was a young lady named Duff
3262 With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
3263 In his haste to get in her
3265 Lost both of his balls in the rough.
3267 There was a young lady named Etta
3268 Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
3269 Three reasons she had:
3270 To keep warm wasn't bad,
3271 But the other two reasons were betta.
3273 There was a young lady named Fleager
3274 Who was terribly, terribly eager
3276 On the tragedy stage,
3277 Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
3280 There was a young lady named Flo
3281 Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
3282 So they tried it all night,
3283 Till he got it just right...
3284 Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
3286 There was a young lady named Flynn
3287 Who thought fornication a sin,
3288 But when she was tight
3289 It seemed quite all right,
3290 So everyone filled her with gin.
3292 There was a young lady named Gilda
3293 Who went on a date with a builder.
3294 He said that he would,
3295 And he could and he should,
3296 And he did and it damn well near killed her.
3298 There was a young lady named Gloria,
3299 Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
3300 She replied to the chap,
3301 "I'll draw you a map,
3302 Of where others have been to before ya."
3304 There was a young lady named Grace
3305 Who would not take a prick in her "place."
3306 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
3307 She never would fuck it--
3308 She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
3310 There was a young lady named Hall,
3311 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
3312 The dress caught on fire
3313 And burned her entire
3314 Front page, sporting section, and all.
3316 There was a young lady named Hatch
3317 Who would always come through in a scratch.
3318 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
3319 She'd grab up his pecker
3320 And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
3322 There was a young lady named Mable
3323 Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
3324 Then cry to her man,
3325 "Stuff in all you can --
3326 Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
3328 There was a young lady named Mandel
3329 Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
3331 On the main village square
3332 And frigging herself with a candle.
3334 There was a young lady named Maud,
3335 A terrible society fraud:
3336 In company, I'm told,
3337 She was distant and cold,
3338 But if you got her alone, Oh God!
3340 There was a young lady named May
3341 Who strolled in a park by the way,
3342 And she met a young man
3343 Who fucked her and ran --
3344 Now she goes to the park every day.
3346 There was a young lady named Nance
3347 Who learned about fucking in France,
3348 And when you'd insert it
3349 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
3350 And shoved it right back in your pants.
3352 There was a young lady named Nelly
3353 Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
3354 They could tickle her twat
3355 Or be tied in a knot,
3356 And could even swat flies on her belly.
3358 There was a young lady named Ransom
3359 Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
3360 When she cried out for more
3361 A voice from the floor
3362 Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
3364 There was a young lady named Riddle
3365 Who had an untouchable middle.
3366 She had many friends
3367 Because of her ends,
3368 Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
3370 There was a young lady named Rose
3371 Who fainted whenever she chose;
3373 While playing croquet,
3374 But was quickly revived with a hose.
3377 There was a young lady named Rose
3378 With erogenous zones in her toes.
3379 She remained onanistic
3380 Till a foot-fetishistic
3381 Young man became one of her beaux.
3383 There was a young lady named Schneider
3384 Who often kept trysts with a spider.
3385 She found a strange bliss,
3386 In the hiss of her piss,
3387 As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
3389 There was a young lady named Smith
3390 Whose virtue was largely a myth.
3391 She said, "Try as I can
3393 Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
3395 There was a young lady named Twiss
3396 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
3397 For it tickled her bum
3398 And caused her to come
3399 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
3401 There was a young lady named Wylde
3402 Who kept herself quite undefiled
3403 By thinking of Jesus;
3404 Contagious diseases;
3405 And the bother of having a child.
3407 There was a young lady of Arden,
3408 The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
3409 Said she with a frown,
3410 "I've been sadly let down
3411 By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3413 There was a young lady of Bicester
3414 Who was nicer by far than her sister:
3415 The sister would giggle
3416 And wiggle and jiggle,
3417 But this one would come if you kissed her.
3419 There was a young lady of Brabant
3420 Who slept with an impotent savant.
3421 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
3422 But it turned out he couldn't-
3423 So you can't say we have when we haven't."
3425 There was a young lady of Bude
3426 Who walked down the street in the nude.
3427 A bobby said, "Whattum
3428 Magnificent bottom!"
3429 And slapped it as hard as he could.
3431 There was a young lady of Carmia
3432 Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
3434 She would climb in your lab,
3435 So her little base burner could warm ya.
3437 There was a young lady of Dee
3438 Who went down to the river to pee.
3440 Put his hand on her cunt,
3441 And God! how I wish it were me.
3443 There was a young lady of Dee
3444 Whose hymen was split into three.
3445 And when she was diddled
3446 The middle string fiddled:
3447 "Nearer My God To Thee."
3449 There was a young lady of Dexter
3450 Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
3451 For whenever they'd start
3452 He'd unfailingly fart
3453 With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
3455 There was a young lady of Dover
3456 Whose passion was such that it drove her
3457 To cry, when you came,
3458 "Oh dear! What a shame!
3459 Well, now we shall have to start over."
3461 There was a young lady of Ealing
3462 And her lover before her was kneeling.
3463 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
3464 Take your hands off my quim;
3465 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
3467 There was a young lady of fashion
3468 Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
3469 To her lover she said,
3470 As they climbed into bed,
3471 "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
3473 There was a young lady of Fez
3474 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
3475 Jezebel was her name,
3476 Sucking cocks was the game
3477 She excelled at (so everyone says).
3479 There was a young lady of Gaza
3480 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3481 The crabs, in a lump,
3482 Made tracks to her rump--
3483 This passing parade did amaze her.
3485 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
3486 Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
3487 She wasn't much hurt,
3488 But he dirtied her skirt,
3489 So think of the anguish it cost her.
3491 There was a young lady of Gloucester
3492 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
3493 Till they found on the grass
3494 The marks of her arse,
3495 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
3497 There was a young lady of Kent,
3498 Who admitted she knew what it meant
3499 When men asked her to dine,
3500 And plied her with wine,
3501 She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
3503 There was a young lady of Lee
3504 Who scrambled up into a tree,
3506 Her arsehole was bare,
3507 And so was her C U N T.
3509 There was a young lady of Lincoln
3510 Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
3511 So she had a prick lent her
3512 Which turned it magenta,
3513 This artful old lady of Lincoln.
3515 There was a young lady of Natchez
3516 Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
3517 And she often said, "Shit!
3518 Why, I'd give either tit
3519 For a man with equipment that matches."
3521 There was a young fellow named Locke
3522 Who was born with a two-headed cock.
3523 When he'd fondle the thing
3524 It would rise up and sing
3525 An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
3527 But whether these two ever met
3528 Has not been recorded as yet,
3529 Still, it would be diverting
3530 To see him inserting
3531 His whang while it sang a duet.
3533 There was a young lady of Norway
3534 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
3535 She said to her beau
3536 "Just look at me Joe
3537 I think I've discovered one more way."
3539 There was a young lady of Rhyll
3540 In an omnibus was taken ill,
3541 So she called the conductor,
3542 Who got in and fucked her,
3543 Which did more good than a pill.
3545 There was a young lady of Spain
3546 Who took down her pants on a train.
3547 There was a young porter
3548 Saw more than he orter,
3549 And asked her to do it again.
3551 There was a young lady of Spain
3552 Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
3554 And again and again,
3555 And again and again and again.
3557 There was a young lady of Twickenham
3558 Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
3559 On her knees every day
3560 To God she would pray
3561 To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
3563 There was a young lady of Wheeling
3564 Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
3566 Has need of a plug" --
3567 And straightaway she started to peeling.
3569 There was a young lady who said,
3570 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
3571 "I'm tired of this stunt,
3572 That they do with one's cunt,
3573 You can get up my bottom instead."
3575 There was a young lady whose cunt
3576 Could accommodate a small punt.
3577 Her mother said, "Annie,
3578 It matches your fanny,
3579 Which never was that of a runt."
3581 There was a young lady whose thighs,
3582 When spread showed a slit of such size,
3583 And so deep and so wide,
3584 You could play cards inside,
3585 Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
3587 There was a young lass from Surat.
3588 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
3589 That they had to be parted
3590 Whenever she farted,
3591 And also whenever she shat.
3593 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
3594 Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
3595 "They may tickle my chin,"
3596 She said with a grin,
3597 "But at least they keep out of the mangle."
3599 There was a young maiden from Osset
3600 Whose quim was nine inches across it.
3601 Said a young man named Tong,
3602 With tool nine inches long,
3603 "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
3605 There was a young man from Bear Ridge
3606 Who had strange ideas about marriage.
3607 He fucked his wife's mother
3608 And sucked off her brother
3609 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
3611 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
3612 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
3613 But the banister broke
3614 So he doubled his stroke
3615 And finished her off in mid-air.
3617 There was a young man from Biloxi
3618 Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
3619 Drinking glass after glass,
3620 He would tune up his ass,
3621 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
3623 There was a young man from Bombay
3624 Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
3625 But the heat of his prick
3626 Turned it into a brick
3627 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
3629 There was a young man from Calcutta
3630 Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
3631 "If her Bartholin glands
3632 Don't respond to my hands,
3633 I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
3635 There was a young man from Dallas
3636 Who had an exceptional phallus.
3637 He couldn't find room
3639 Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
3641 There was a young man from Dundee
3642 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
3643 The results were quite horrid:
3644 All ass and no forehead,
3645 Three balls and a purple goatee.
3647 There was a young man from East Lizes
3648 Whose balls were of two different sizes
3650 It was no ball at all
3651 The other was large and won prizes.
3653 There was a young man from East Wubley
3654 Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
3655 Each quadruplicate shaft
3656 Had two balls hanging aft,
3657 And the general effect was quite lovely.
3659 There was a young man from Hong Kong
3660 Who had a trifurcated prong:
3661 A small one for sucking,
3662 A large one for fucking,
3663 And a `boney' for beating a gong.
3665 There was a young man from Glengozzle
3666 Who found a remarkable fossil.
3668 And the wart on the end,
3669 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
3671 There was a young man from Jodhpur
3672 Who found he could easily cure
3675 Served up in a sauce of manure.
3677 There was a young man from Kent
3678 Whose tool was so long that it bent.
3679 To save himself trouble
3681 And instead of coming, he went.
3683 There was a young man from Lynn
3684 Whose cock was the size of a pin.
3685 Said his girl with a laugh
3686 As she felt his staff,
3687 "This won't be much of a sin."
3689 There was a young man from Maine
3690 Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
3691 It was almost as long,
3692 So he strolled with his dong
3693 Extended in sunshine and rain.
3695 There was a young man from Nantucket
3696 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
3697 But he looked in the glass,
3698 And saw his own ass,
3699 And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
3701 There was a young man from Nantucket
3702 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
3703 He said with a grin,
3704 While wiping his chin,
3705 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
3707 There was a young man from New Haven
3708 Who had an affair with a raven.
3710 As he wiped off his chin,
3713 There was a young man from Peru,
3714 Who took a long trip by canoe.
3715 While staring at Venus,
3716 And rubbing his penis,
3717 He wound up with a handful of goo.
3719 There was a young man from Purdue
3720 Who was only just learning to screw,
3721 But he hadn't the knack,
3722 And he got too far back --
3723 In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
3725 There was a young man from Racine
3726 Who invented a fucking machine.
3728 It served either sex,
3729 But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
3731 There was a young man from Rangoon
3732 Who used to lament 'neath the moon
3733 That he had the luck
3734 To be born of a fuck
3735 That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
3737 There was a young man from Salinas
3738 Who had an extremely long penis:
3740 When he lay on his cot
3741 It reached from Marin to Martinez.
3743 There was a young man from Seattle
3744 Whose testicles tended to rattle.
3745 He said as he fuck-ed
3746 Some stones in a bucket,
3747 "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
3749 There was a young man from Siam
3750 Who said, "I go in with a wham,
3751 But I soon lose my starch
3752 Like the mad month of March,
3753 And the lion comes out like a lamb."
3755 There was a young man from St. Paul's
3756 Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
3757 Till he grew such a passion
3758 For feminine fashion
3759 That he knitted a snood for his balls.
3761 There was a young man from Stamboul
3762 Who boasted so torrid a tool
3763 That each female crater
3764 Explored by this satyr
3765 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
3767 There was a young man from the Coast
3768 Who had an affair with a ghost.
3769 At the height of orgasm
3770 Said the pallid phantasm,
3771 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
3773 There was a young man from Tibet-
3774 And this is the strangest one yet-
3775 Whose tool was so long,
3776 So pointed and strong,
3777 He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
3779 There was a young man in Havana,
3780 Banged his girl on a player-piana.
3781 At the height of their fever
3782 Her ass hit the lever
3783 And: yes, he has no banana.
3785 There was a young man in Norway,
3786 Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
3787 But the air was so frigid
3788 It froze his cock rigid,
3789 And all he could come was frappe.
3791 There was a young man in the choir
3792 Whose penis rose higher and higher,
3793 Till it reached such a height
3794 It was quite out of sight --
3795 But of course you know I'm a liar.
3797 There was a young man, name of Fred,
3798 Who spent every Thursday in bed;
3799 He lay with his feet
3800 Outside of the sheet,
3801 And the pillows on top of his head.
3804 There was a young man, name of Saul,
3805 Who was able to bounce either ball,
3806 He could stretch them and snap them,
3807 And juggle and clap them,
3808 Which earned him the plaudits of all.
3810 There was a young man named Crockett
3811 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
3812 His wife was a bitch
3813 So she threw the switch,
3814 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
3816 There was a young man named Hughes
3817 Who swore off all kinds of booze.
3818 He said, "When I'm muddled
3819 My senses get fuddled,
3820 And I pass up too many screws."
3822 There was a young man named Knute
3823 Who had warts all over his root.
3824 He put acid on these
3825 And now when he pees,
3826 He fingers the thing like a flute.
3828 There was a young man named Rex
3829 Who really was small for his sex.
3830 When tried for exposure
3831 The judge's disclosure
3832 Was "de minimus non curat lex."
3834 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
3835 Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
3836 When they asked if his pleasure
3837 Was only half measure,
3838 He replied, "That is highly improbable."
3840 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
3841 Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
3842 But the pride of his life
3843 Were the tits of his wife --
3844 One real, and one India-rubber bub.
3846 There was a young man of Arras
3847 Who stretched himself out on the grass,
3848 And with no little trouble,
3849 He bent himself double,
3850 And stuck his prick well up his ass.
3852 There was a young man of Australia
3853 Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
3856 And a bishop in fullest regalia.
3858 There was a young man of Belgrade
3859 Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
3860 I will suck, without charge,
3861 Any cock, if it's large.
3862 If it's small, I expect to be paid."
3864 There was a young man of Belgrade
3865 Who slept with a girl in the trade.
3866 She said to him, "Jack,
3867 Try the hole in the back;
3868 The front one is badly decayed."
3870 There was a young man of Bengal
3871 Who swore he had only one ball,
3872 But two little bitches
3873 Unbuttoned his britches,
3874 And found he had no balls at all.
3876 There was a young man of Bombay
3877 Who buggered his dad once a day.
3878 He said, "I like, rather,
3879 Fucking my father --
3880 He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
3882 There was a young man of Calcutta,
3883 Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
3886 Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
3888 There was a young man of Cape Horn
3889 Who wished he had never been born,
3890 And he wouldn't have been
3891 If his father had seen
3892 That the end of the rubber was torn.
3894 There was a young man of Coblenz
3895 Whose ballocks were simply immense:
3896 It took forty-four draymen,
3897 A priest and three laymen
3898 To carry them thither and thence.
3900 There was a young man of Darjeeling
3901 Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
3902 In the electric light socket,
3903 He'd put it and rock it--
3904 Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
3906 There was a young man of Devizes,
3907 Whose balls were of different sizes.
3909 It was nothing at all;
3910 The other took numerous prizes.
3912 There was a young man of Dumfries
3913 Who said to his girl, "If you please,
3914 It would give me great bliss
3915 If, while playing with this,
3916 You would pay some attention to these!"
3918 There was a young man of high station
3919 Who was found by a pious relation
3920 Making love in a ditch
3921 To -- I won't say a bitch --
3922 But a woman of no reputation.
3924 There was a young man of Khartoum,
3925 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
3926 So strong was his shootin',
3927 The third law of Newton
3928 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
3930 There was a young man of Khartoum
3931 Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
3932 He not only fucked her,
3933 But buggered and sucked her--
3934 And left her to pay for the room.
3936 There was a young man of Kutki
3937 Who could blink himself off with one eye.
3938 For a while though, he pined,
3939 When his organ declined
3940 To function, because of a stye.
3942 There was a young man of Lahore
3943 Whose prick was one inch and no more.
3944 It was all right for key-holes
3945 And little girl's pee-holes,
3946 But not worth a damn with a whore.
3948 There was a young man of Lake Placid
3949 Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
3950 When he wanted to sport
3951 He would have to resort
3952 To injections of sulphuric acid.
3954 There was a young man of Madras
3955 Whose balls were constructed of brass.
3956 When jangled together
3957 They played "Stormy Weather",
3958 And lightning shot out of his ass.
3960 There was a young man of Missouri
3961 Who fucked with a terrible fury.
3962 Till hauled into court
3963 For his beastial sport,
3964 And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
3966 There was a young man of Natal
3967 And Sue was the name of his gal.
3968 One day, north of Aden,
3969 He got his hard rod in,
3970 And came clear up Suez Canal.
3972 There was a young man of Natal
3973 Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
3974 Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
3975 Said he, "You be buggered!
3976 I like to fuck slow and I shall."
3978 There was a young man of Ostend
3979 Who let a girl play with his end.
3980 She took hold of Rover,
3981 And felt it all over,
3982 And it did what she didn't intend.
3984 There was a young man of Ostend
3985 Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
3986 "It's no use, my duck,
3987 Interrupting our fuck,
3988 For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
3990 There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
3991 Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
3992 It was good for large whores,
3993 And for small dinosaurs,
3994 And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
3996 There was a young man of Seattle
3997 Who bested a bull in a battle.
3998 With fire and gumption
3999 He assumed the bull's function,
4000 And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
4002 There was a young man of St. John's
4003 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
4004 But the loyal hall porter
4005 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
4006 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
4008 There was a young man of Tibet
4009 -- And this is the strangest one yet --
4010 His prick was so long,
4011 And so pointed and strong,
4012 He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
4014 There was a young man of Toulouse
4015 Who had a deficient prepuce,
4016 But the foreskin he lacked
4017 He made up in his sac;
4018 The result was, his balls were too loose.
4020 There was a young man who appeared
4021 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
4022 They at once said, "Although
4023 We can't say why it's so,
4024 The effect is uncommonly weird."
4027 There was a young man who said "God,
4028 I find it exceedingly odd,
4029 That the willow oak tree
4031 When there's no one about in the Quad."
4033 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
4034 For I'm always about in the Quad;
4035 And that's why the tree,
4037 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
4039 There was a young man with a fiddle
4040 Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
4041 She replied, "Yes, I do,
4042 But prefer to with two --
4043 It's twice as much fun in the middle."
4045 There was a young man with a prick
4046 Which into his wife he would stick
4047 Every morning and night
4048 If it stood up all right --
4049 Not a very remarkable trick.
4051 His wife had a nice little cunt:
4052 It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
4053 And with this she would fuck him,
4054 Though sometimes she'd suck him --
4055 A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
4057 There was a young man with one foot
4058 Who had a very long root.
4061 Is a question exceedingly moot.
4063 There was a young miss from Johore
4064 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
4066 She'd wobble her fanny,
4067 And drain your nuts dry to the core.
4069 There was a young monk from Siberia
4070 Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
4071 Till he did to a nun
4072 What shouldn't be done
4073 And made her a mother superia'.
4075 There was a young monk from Tibet
4076 And this is the damnedest one yet
4077 His cock was so long
4078 And incredibly strong
4079 That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
4081 There was a young monk in Siberia,
4082 Whose morals were very inferior,
4084 Which he shouldn't have done,
4085 And now she's a Mother Superior.
4087 There was a young monk of Dundee
4088 Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
4089 He said, "Pax vobiscum,
4090 Now why won't the piss come?
4091 I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
4093 There was a young parson of Harwich,
4094 Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
4095 She said, "No, you young goose,
4096 Just try self-abuse.
4097 And the other we'll try after marriage."
4099 There was a young peasant named Gorse
4100 Who fell madly in love with his horse.
4101 Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
4102 That horse is a stallion --
4103 This constitutes grounds for divorce."
4105 There was a young person of Kent
4106 Who was famous wherever he went.
4107 All the way through a fuck,
4108 He would quack like a duck,
4109 And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
4111 There was a young physicist named Fisk
4112 Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
4113 So quick was his action,
4114 The Lorentz Contraction
4115 Shortened his rod to a disc!
4117 There was a young plumber named Lee
4118 Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
4119 She said, "Stop your plumbing,
4120 There's somebody coming"
4121 Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
4123 There was a young poet named Dan,
4124 Whose poetry never would scan.
4125 When told this was so,
4126 He said, "Yes, I know,
4127 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
4129 There was a young royal marine,
4130 Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
4131 When he reached the soprano
4133 And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
4135 There was a young sailor from Brighton,
4136 Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
4137 She replied, "'Pon my soul,
4138 You're in the wrong hole;
4139 There's plenty of room in the right one."
4141 There was a young sapphic named Anna
4142 Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
4143 Which she sucked, bit by bit,
4144 From her partner's warm slit,
4145 In the most approved lesbian manner.
4147 There was a young Scot in Madrid
4148 Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
4149 When they said, "Are you faint?"
4150 He replied, "No, I ain't,
4151 But I don't feel as good as I did."
4153 There was a young soldier from Munich
4154 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
4155 And their chops girls would lick
4156 When they thought of his prick,
4157 But alas! he was only a eunuch.
4159 There was a young sportsman named Peel
4160 Who went for a trip on his wheel;
4162 Through crepuscular haze,
4163 And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
4166 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
4167 Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
4168 It had many odd uses,
4169 Produced no papooses,
4170 And fitted both giant and runt.
4172 There was a young student from Yale
4173 Who was getting his first piece of tail.
4174 He shoved in his pole,
4175 But in the wrong hole,
4176 And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
4178 There was a young trollop at Yale,
4179 Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
4181 For the sake of the blind,
4182 A duplicate version in Braille.
4184 There was a young woman called Pearl
4185 Who quite resembled a churl;
4186 When she asked a young man named Tex
4187 Whether he would like to have sex,
4188 "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
4190 There was a young woman from Bude,
4191 Who went for a swim in the nude,
4192 But a man in a punt,
4193 Grabbed at her elbow,
4194 And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
4196 There was a young woman in Dee
4197 Who stayed with each man she did see.
4198 When it came to a test
4199 She wished to be best,
4200 And practice makes perfect, you see.
4202 There was a young woman named Alice
4203 Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
4204 She said, "I do this
4205 From a great need to piss,
4206 And not from sectarian malice."
4208 There was a young woman named Ells
4209 Who was subject to curious spells
4210 When got up very oddly,
4211 She'd cry out things ungodly
4212 by the palms in expensive hotels.
4215 There was a young woman named Florence
4216 Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
4217 But they found her in bed
4218 With her cunt flaming red,
4219 And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
4221 There was a young woman named Plunnery
4222 Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
4223 Till one day unobservant,
4224 She blew up a servant,
4225 And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
4228 There was a young woman named Sutton
4229 Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
4230 "My father preferred
4231 The last sheep in the herd --
4232 This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
4234 There was a young woman of Cheadle,
4235 Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
4236 Said she, "Does it itch?"
4237 "It does, you damned bitch,
4238 And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
4240 There was a young woman of Condover
4241 Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
4242 Her pussy was juicy,
4243 Her arse soft and goosey,
4244 But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
4246 There was a young woman of Croft
4247 Who played with herself in a loft,
4248 Having reasoned that candles
4249 Could never cause scandals,
4250 Besides which they did not go soft.
4252 Said another young woman of Croft,
4253 Amusing herself in the loft,
4255 Is what I'd choose first --
4256 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
4258 There was a young woman, quite handsome,
4259 Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
4260 When she offered much gold
4261 For release, she was told
4262 That the view was worth more than the ransom.
4264 There was a young woman whose stammer
4265 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
4266 But they were not improved
4267 When her husband was moved
4268 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
4271 There was an old abbess quite shocked
4272 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
4273 Said the abbess, "You nuns
4274 Should behave more like guns,
4275 And never go off till you're cocked."
4277 There was an old bishop from Buckingham
4278 Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
4279 His wife with distain
4280 Could scarcely restrain
4281 That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
4283 There was an old count of Swoboda
4284 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
4285 So, with great savoir-faire,
4286 She stood on a chair
4287 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
4289 There was an old curate of Hestion
4290 Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
4291 But so small was his tool
4292 He could scarce screw a spool,
4293 And a cunt was quite out of the question.
4295 There was an old fellow named Art
4296 Who awoke with a horrible start,
4297 For down by his rump
4299 Of what should have been just a fart.
4301 There was an old fellow named Skinner
4302 Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
4303 But still, by and large,
4304 It would always discharge
4305 Once he could just get it in her.
4307 There was an old feminine blighter
4308 Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
4309 She would cream her own pool
4310 While she sucked off his tool --
4311 How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
4313 There was an old gent from Kentuck
4314 Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
4316 For fear that one day
4317 He might put it in and get stuck.
4319 There was an old girl of Kilkenny
4320 Whose usual charge was a penny.
4321 For half of that sum
4322 You could finger her bum--
4323 A source of amusement to many.
4325 There was an old harlot from Dijon
4326 Who in her old age got religion.
4327 "When I'm dead & gone,"
4328 Said she, "I'll take on
4329 The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
4331 There was an old lady of Bingly
4332 Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
4334 A bloke for my twat,
4335 But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
4337 There was an old lady of Glascow,
4338 Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
4339 At nine-thirty, about,
4340 The lights all went out,
4341 Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
4343 There was an old lady of Kewry
4344 Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
4345 The `introitus vaginae',
4346 Was unnaturally tiny,
4347 And the thought of it filled her with fury.
4349 There was an old lady who lay
4350 With her legs wide apart in the hay,
4351 Then, calling the ploughman,
4352 She said, "Do it now, man!
4353 Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
4355 There was an old maid from Cape Cod
4356 Who thought all good things came from god.
4357 But it wasn't the almighty
4358 Who lifted her nighty,
4359 It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
4361 There was an old man from Bengal
4362 Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
4364 Was to stand on his dick
4365 While he rolled around on one ball.
4367 There was an old man from Fort Drum
4368 Whose son was incredibly dumb.
4369 When he urged him ahead,
4370 He went down instead,
4371 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
4373 There was an old man of Alsace
4374 Who played the trombone with his ass.
4376 To take out the crap,
4377 But the vapors corroded the brass.
4379 There was an old man of Brienz
4380 The length of whose cock was immense:
4381 With one swerve he could plug
4382 A boy's bottom in Zug,
4383 And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
4385 There was an old man of Cajon
4386 Who never could get a good bone.
4387 With the aid of a gland
4388 It grew simply grand;
4389 Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
4391 There was an old man of Calcutta
4392 Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
4393 But all he could see
4394 Was his wife's bare knee,
4395 And the back of the bloke who was up her.
4397 There was an old man of Connaught
4398 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4399 When he got into bed,
4401 "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
4403 There was an old man of Duddee
4404 Who came home as drunk as could be.
4405 He wound up the clock
4406 With the end of his cock,
4407 And buggered his wife with the key.
4409 There was an old man of Duluth
4410 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4411 He fucked with his nose
4412 And with fingers and toes,
4413 And he came through a hole in his tooth.
4415 There was an old man of Hong Kong
4416 Who never did anything wrong.
4417 He would lie on his back
4418 With his head in a sack
4419 And secretly finger his dong.
4421 There was an old man of St. Bees,
4422 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
4423 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
4424 He replied, "No, it doesn't.
4425 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
4428 There was an old man of Tagore
4429 Whose tool was a yard long or more,
4430 So he wore the damn thing
4432 To keep it from wiping the floor.
4434 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
4435 Who frigged himself into a fountain
4436 Fifteen times had he spent,
4437 Still he wasn't content,
4438 He simply got tired of the counting.
4440 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
4441 My balls always hang in the brush,
4443 Half in and half out,
4444 With a pecker as limber as mush."
4446 There was an old man with a beard
4447 Who said, "It is just what I feared!
4449 Four larks and a wren
4450 Have all built their nests in my beard!"
4452 There was an old person of Ware
4453 Who had an affair with a bear.
4454 He explained, "I don't mind,
4455 For it's gentle and kind,
4456 But I wish it had slightly less hair."
4458 There was an old pirate named Bates
4459 Who was learning to rhumba on skates
4460 He fell on his cutlass
4461 Which rendered him nutless
4462 And practically useless on dates.
4464 There was an old satyr named Mack
4465 Whose prick had a left handed tack.
4466 If the ladies he loves
4467 Don't spin when he shoves,
4468 Their cervixes frequently crack.
4470 There was an old Scot named McTavish
4471 Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
4473 Was the wrong sex of ape,
4474 And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
4476 There was an old whore from Silesia
4477 Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
4478 For a slight extra sum
4479 You can go up my bum
4480 But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
4482 There was an old whore in the Azores
4483 Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
4484 Why the dogs in the street
4485 Wouldn't eat the green meat
4486 That hung in festoons from her drawers.
4488 There was an old woman of Ghent
4489 Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
4490 She got fucked so often
4491 At last she got rotten,
4492 And didn't she stink when she spent.
4494 There was once a mechanic named Bench
4495 Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
4496 With this vibrant device
4497 He could reach, in a trice,
4498 The innermost parts of a wench.
4500 There were three ladies of Huxham,
4501 And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
4502 And when that game grows stale
4504 And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
4506 There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
4507 And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
4508 They lifted the frock
4509 And tickled the cock
4510 Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
4512 Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
4513 He'd been to a good public school,
4514 So he took down their britches
4515 And buggered those bitches
4516 With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
4518 Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
4519 And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
4520 "The vicar is quicker
4521 And thicker and slicker,
4522 And longer and stronger than you."
4523 -- Abuses of the Clergy
4525 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
4526 Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
4527 It's deep and it's wide,
4528 -- You can curl up inside
4529 With a nice easy chair and a book.
4531 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
4532 Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
4533 But now--it's appallin'--
4534 My balls always fall in!
4535 I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
4537 There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
4538 Whose manners are odd and demanding.
4539 It's one of her jests
4540 To suck off her guests --
4541 She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
4543 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
4544 Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
4545 But her cunt's got a pucker
4546 That's best not to fuck, or
4547 When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
4549 There's a rather odd couple in Herts
4550 Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
4551 Their sex is in doubt
4552 For they're never without
4553 Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
4556 There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
4557 Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
4558 In the shell Sue is great,
4559 But her boyfriend's irate,
4560 When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
4562 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
4563 By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
4564 In her striving to please,
4565 She serves ale on her knees,
4566 So the patrons get head with their draft.
4568 There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
4569 Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
4570 The seniors go round
4571 Hanging down to the ground,
4572 And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
4574 There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
4575 Since his shocking perversions are various...
4576 He will bugger some lad
4577 With a dildo (the cad!)
4578 While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
4580 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
4581 Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
4582 When one pireg is shot,
4583 There's that alternate twat,
4584 But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
4586 There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
4587 Who insists on a dozen a night.
4588 A fellow named Cheddar
4589 Had the brashness to wed her-
4590 His chance of survival is slight.
4592 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
4593 Exceedingly hard to get onto,
4594 But when you get there,
4595 And have parted the hair,
4596 You can fuck her as much as you want to.
4598 They had come in the fugue to the stretto
4599 When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
4600 Slipped forward and grabbed
4601 Her tresses and stabbed
4602 Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
4605 Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
4606 Was to do what man normally does,
4607 She declared, "I'm a Soul-
4609 So he shrugged and called someone who was.
4611 Though most of the crewmen are whites,
4612 Uhura has full equal rights.
4613 Her crewmates, you see,
4615 And the way that she fills out her tights.
4617 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
4618 Lay all of his life on his back,
4619 His wife got her share,
4620 And the pilgrims now stare
4621 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
4623 'Tis a custom in Castellamare
4624 To fuck in the back of a lorry.
4625 The chassis and springs
4626 Are like woodwinds and strings
4627 In the midst of a musical soiree.
4629 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
4630 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
4631 Of allowing your tears
4632 To fall into my ears -
4633 I think they have rotted the drums."
4636 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
4637 Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
4638 He constructed a bed
4639 Out of tree trunks and said,
4640 "Even adders can multiply on a log table."
4642 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
4643 Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
4644 She replied, "Why, you fool,
4645 With your limp little tool
4646 It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
4648 To his bride said a numskull named Clarence:
4649 "I trust you will show some forbearance.
4651 I picked up from rabbits,
4652 And occasionally watching my parents."
4654 To his bride said economist Fife:
4655 "The semen you'll launch as my wife,
4656 We will salvage and freeze
4657 To resemble goat's cheese,
4658 And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
4660 To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
4661 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
4662 Is your east tit the least bit
4663 The best of your west tit,
4664 Or is it a trick of perspective?"
4666 To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
4667 As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
4668 "Your mother's behaviour
4669 Gave pain to Our Saviour,
4670 And that's why He made you a cripple."
4673 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
4674 And his bobber was dipping all night.
4675 Murmured she, with a laugh,
4676 "It's ready to gaff,
4677 But don't break your rod which is light."
4679 A couple was fishing near Clombe
4680 When the maid began looking quite glum,
4681 And said, "Bother the fish!
4683 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
4685 As two consular clerks in Madras
4686 Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
4687 "What a marvelous pole,"
4688 Said she, "but control
4689 Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
4691 Two eager young men from Cawnpore
4692 Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
4693 But her partition split
4694 And the blood and the shit
4695 Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
4697 Two roosters in one of our pens
4698 Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
4699 As they looked at their foreskins
4700 And wished they had more skins,
4701 They discovered they'd both become hens.
4703 Under the spreading chestnut tree
4704 The village smith he sat,
4707 And catching the load in his hat.
4709 Une joile epousetta a Tours
4710 Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
4711 Mais le mari disait, "Non!
4712 De trop n'est pas bon!
4713 Mon derriere exige du secours!"
4715 Visas erat: huic geminarum
4716 Dispar modus testicularum:
4719 Jam fecerat altera clarum.
4721 We dedicate this to the cunt,
4722 The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
4723 All hail to the twat,
4724 Willing, thrilling, and hot,
4725 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
4727 When I was a baby, my penis
4728 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
4730 As her nipples instead--
4731 All because of the feminine genus!
4733 When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
4734 Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
4735 "Was he modest or vain?"
4736 "Was he regal or plain?"
4737 She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
4739 When you fuck little Annie in Anza
4740 You get a great bosom bonanza:
4741 Sucking Annie's soft tits
4742 Makes her throw fifty fits,
4743 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
4745 While his duchess lay practically dead,
4746 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
4747 "Can it be this is all?
4748 How puny! How small!
4749 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
4752 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
4753 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
4754 She explained, "They are flat,
4755 But think nothing of that --
4756 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
4758 While out on a date in his Fiat,
4759 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
4760 As he bent down to seek,
4761 She let out a shriek:
4762 "That's not where it's likely to be at."
4764 While spending the winter at Pau
4765 Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
4766 So the head-porter made her
4767 And the second-cook laid her;
4768 The waiters were all hanging low.
4770 While Titian was mixing rose madder,
4771 His model reclined on a ladder.
4772 Her position to Titian
4774 So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
4776 While traveling in farthest Tibet,
4777 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
4778 The buttered-up tea,
4780 And the frivolous tourists he met.
4783 Winter is here with his grouch,
4784 The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
4785 You can't take your women
4786 Canoein' or swimmin',
4787 But a lot can be done on a couch.
4789 With his penis in turgid erection,
4790 And aimed at woman's mid-section,
4791 Man looks most uncouth
4792 In that Moment of Truth,
4793 But she sheathes it with loving affection.
4795 You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
4796 But dependent on men you must be:
4798 With a rod firm and trim,
4799 To puggle your water-drains free!
4801 Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
4802 To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
4803 If you'll come to my palace,
4804 I'll finger your phallus,
4805 And then I shall blow on your flute."
4807 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
4808 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:
4809 He buggers the choir
4810 As they sing "Ave Maria,"
4811 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.