1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
74 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
77 A dozen, a gross and a score,
78 Plus three times the square root of four,
80 Plus five times eleven,
81 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
83 -- Gifts for Children --
85 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
86 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
87 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
88 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
89 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
90 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
91 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
92 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
93 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
94 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
95 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
99 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
100 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
101 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
102 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
103 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
104 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
105 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
106 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
107 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
108 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
109 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
111 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
112 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
114 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
120 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
121 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
126 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
127 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
128 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
133 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
134 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
135 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
136 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
137 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
138 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
139 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
140 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
141 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
142 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
143 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
144 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
145 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
147 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
149 Has your family tried 'em?
153 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
155 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
156 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
160 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
161 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
162 stains that indicate freshness.
164 It's grad exam time...
166 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
167 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
168 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
169 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
170 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
173 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
174 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
175 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
178 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
180 It's grad exam time...
182 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
183 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
184 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
187 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
188 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
189 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
190 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
193 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
194 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
195 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
199 a) extremely dangerous.
201 c) the fault of the previous administration.
202 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
203 The correct answer is b.
204 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
205 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
206 you have nothing to worry about.
208 Pittsburgh driver's test
209 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
211 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
214 The correct answer is d.
215 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
218 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
219 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
220 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
222 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
223 The correct answer is d.
224 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
226 Answer c is worth a half point.
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
234 The correct answer is b.
235 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
236 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
237 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
241 How often should you test it?
246 The correct answer is d.
247 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
248 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
251 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
252 but a steady left tail light. This means
253 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
254 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
255 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
256 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
257 d) The driver is from out of town.
258 The correct answer is d.
259 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
261 Pittsburgh driver's test
266 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
267 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
268 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
271 Pittsburgh driver's test
272 9: Roads are salted in order to
277 The correct answer is c.
278 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
279 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
280 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
283 THE STORY OF CREATION
287 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
288 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
289 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
290 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
291 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
292 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
293 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
296 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
299 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
300 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
301 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
302 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
303 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
305 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
306 he met the traveling salesman.
307 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
308 in high-level language.
309 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
310 and Apples," commented Jack.
311 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
312 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
313 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
314 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
316 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
317 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
320 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
322 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
323 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
326 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
327 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
328 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
329 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
330 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
335 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
336 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
337 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
339 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
340 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
341 Know what to kiss -- and when.
342 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
344 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
345 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
346 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
347 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
349 You are a fluke of the universe ...
350 You have no right to be here.
351 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
352 Is laughing behind your back.
356 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
358 Double bucky, you're the one!
359 You make my keyboard lots of fun
360 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
362 Control and Meta side by side,
363 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
364 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
366 Double bucky, left and right
367 OR'd together, outta sight!
368 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
369 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
370 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
371 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
372 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
373 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
376 Hard Copies and Chmod
378 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
379 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
380 user-hostile software
382 of course they're only bits and bytes
383 and characters and strings
386 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
387 telling me he loves me and
388 he'll take care of me
390 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
391 deep intimate secrets and
392 how he doesn't trust me
394 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
395 on personal stationery
396 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
398 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
399 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
400 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
401 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
403 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
404 neither has street credibility.
405 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
406 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
408 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
410 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
411 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
412 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
413 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
414 up of western dualism?
415 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
418 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
419 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
420 All kludgy were the function flows
421 And subroutines adhoc.
423 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
424 squrooneg, the false goto
425 Beware the infiniteloop
426 And shun the inprectoo.
428 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
429 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
430 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
431 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
432 when you hit the ground.
433 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
434 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
435 to psychological problems.
436 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
437 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
438 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
439 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
440 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
441 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
442 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
443 staggering illegally.
444 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
445 sanitary due to limited circulation.
446 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
449 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
450 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
451 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
452 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
453 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
454 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
455 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
456 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
457 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
458 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
459 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
460 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
461 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
462 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
463 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
464 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
465 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
466 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
467 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
470 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
472 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
473 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
475 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
476 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
477 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
479 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
480 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
481 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
482 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
483 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
484 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
486 The Three Major Kind of Tools
488 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
489 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
490 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
491 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
493 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
495 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
496 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
497 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
498 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
499 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
501 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
502 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
503 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
504 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
505 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
506 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
507 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
508 And we've also found Just flip one switch
509 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
510 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
512 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
513 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
514 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
516 'Twas the Night before Crisis
518 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
519 Not a program was working not even a browse.
520 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
521 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
522 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
523 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
524 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
525 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
526 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
527 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
528 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
529 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
530 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
531 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
532 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
533 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
534 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
535 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
537 What I Did During My Fall Semester
538 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
539 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
540 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
542 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
543 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
544 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
546 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
547 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
548 I found a thesis topic:
549 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
550 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
551 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
553 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
555 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
556 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
557 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
558 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
559 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
560 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
561 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
562 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
563 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
564 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
565 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
566 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
567 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
568 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
569 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
570 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
576 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
580 The integral of z squared, dz
581 From 1 to the square root of 3
584 Is the log of the cube root of e
588 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
589 Plans to "Eat it later"
591 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
593 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
594 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
595 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
596 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
597 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
598 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
599 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
600 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
601 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
602 you should blame when you make a mistake.
604 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
605 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
606 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
608 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
610 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
613 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
614 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
615 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
616 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
617 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
618 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
619 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
620 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
621 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
622 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
623 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
624 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
625 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
626 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
627 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
629 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
630 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
631 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
632 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
633 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
635 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
636 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
637 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
638 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
640 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
641 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
642 try this simple test:
643 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
644 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
645 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
646 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
647 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
648 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
650 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
652 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
653 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
654 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
655 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
656 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
657 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
658 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
659 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
660 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
661 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
662 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
663 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
664 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
665 yourself in the morning.
668 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
670 System going down in 60 seconds
674 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
675 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
676 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
677 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
678 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
679 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
680 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
681 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
682 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
683 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
684 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
686 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
688 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
690 7,140 pounds on the Sun
691 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
693 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
694 43 pounds on the Moon
695 648 pounds on Jupiter
697 303 pounds on Neptune
700 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
703 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
704 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
705 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
706 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
708 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
709 of carp-to-carp walleting."
711 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
712 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
713 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
714 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
715 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
716 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
717 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
718 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
719 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
720 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
722 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
723 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
724 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
725 have what I think is a pretty good act."
726 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
727 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
728 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
729 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
730 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
731 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
732 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
733 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
734 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
735 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
738 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
741 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
742 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
743 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
744 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
745 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
747 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
748 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
749 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
750 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
751 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
752 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
753 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
754 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
755 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
756 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
758 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
759 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
761 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
762 house of seven gobbles.
764 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
765 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
766 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
767 sadly, "runneth over."
769 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
770 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
771 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
772 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
773 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
774 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
776 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
777 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
778 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
779 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
780 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
781 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
782 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
783 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
784 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
785 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
786 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
787 only blurt out, "What happened?"
788 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
789 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
790 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
791 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
792 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
793 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
795 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
796 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
797 brother and inquires after his pet.
798 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
799 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
800 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
801 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
802 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
803 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
804 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
805 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
807 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
810 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
811 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
812 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
814 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
815 book The Martian Chronicles?"
817 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
820 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
821 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
823 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
824 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
826 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
827 The housewife replied, "Four!".
828 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
829 through my spread sheet one more time."
830 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
831 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
833 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
834 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
835 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
837 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
838 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
839 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
840 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
841 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
842 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
844 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
845 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
846 The bartender ignores him.
847 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
849 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
850 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
851 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
852 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
853 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
854 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
855 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
857 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
858 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
859 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
860 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
861 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
862 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
863 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
864 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
865 told, "that one is 150,000."
866 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
867 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
868 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
869 -- being told in Poland, 1987
871 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
872 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
873 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
874 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
875 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
877 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
879 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
880 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
881 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
882 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
883 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
884 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
885 little more ... that's it."
886 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
887 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
888 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
889 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
890 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
891 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
892 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
893 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
895 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
896 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
897 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
898 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
899 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
900 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
901 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
902 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
904 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
905 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
906 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
907 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
908 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
909 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
910 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
911 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
913 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
914 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
915 was making a bolt for the door.
917 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
918 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
919 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
920 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
923 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
924 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
926 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
928 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
929 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
931 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
932 how long will it take?"
933 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
934 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
935 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
936 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
937 The programmer agreed to this.
938 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
939 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
940 He had been programming all night.
941 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
943 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
944 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
945 manager retained his job.
946 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
947 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
948 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
949 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
950 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
951 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
952 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
953 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
954 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
955 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
957 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
958 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
959 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
960 resigned on the spot.
961 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
962 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
963 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
964 hours of the morning.
965 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
967 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
968 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
969 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
970 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
971 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
972 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
973 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
974 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
975 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
977 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
979 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
980 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
981 he said, "may I examine it?"
982 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
983 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
984 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
985 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
987 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
989 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
990 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
991 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
993 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
994 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
996 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
997 "It is," came the reply.
998 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
999 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1000 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1001 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1002 over for today," he said.
1003 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1007 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1008 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1009 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1010 today's minute attention span.
1012 The Troubled Aardvark
1014 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1015 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1016 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1017 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1018 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1019 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1020 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1021 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1022 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1023 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1024 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1026 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1029 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1030 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1032 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1033 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1034 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1035 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1036 "If what?" asked the composer.
1037 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1039 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1040 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1041 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1042 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1043 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1044 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1045 power-down sequence.
1046 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1047 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1048 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1051 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1052 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1053 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1054 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1055 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1056 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1057 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1058 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1059 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1060 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1061 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1063 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1064 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1065 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1066 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1067 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1068 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1069 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1070 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1071 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1072 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1074 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1075 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1077 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1078 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1079 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1081 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1082 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1083 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1084 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1085 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1086 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1088 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1089 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1090 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1091 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1092 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1093 unnatural entity exist?"
1094 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1095 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1096 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1097 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1098 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1100 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1102 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1103 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1104 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1105 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1106 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1107 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1108 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1110 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1111 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1112 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1113 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1116 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1117 "A dollar for your death."
1120 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1121 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1122 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1123 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1124 party. He walked out into the night.
1125 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1126 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1128 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1129 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1130 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1132 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1133 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1134 has killed them all.
1135 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1136 went out to be killed?
1137 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1138 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1140 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1141 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1142 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1143 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1144 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1146 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1147 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1148 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1149 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1151 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this
1152 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1153 way that astonishes him least.
1154 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1155 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1157 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1158 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1160 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1162 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1163 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1164 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1165 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1166 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1167 made rude noises during my presentation."
1168 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1169 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1170 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1171 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1172 with social conventions?"
1173 "They are alive within the Tao."
1174 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1176 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1177 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1178 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1181 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1182 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1183 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1184 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1185 which contained twelve more loons.
1186 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1187 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1188 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1189 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1191 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1192 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1193 his wellness potential."
1195 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1196 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1198 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1199 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1201 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1202 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1204 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1205 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1206 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1207 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1208 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1209 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1210 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1211 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1213 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1215 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1216 "This is a parson to parson call."
1217 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1218 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1219 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1220 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1221 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1222 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1223 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1224 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1225 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1228 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1229 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1230 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1232 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1233 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1234 really want to know.
1235 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1236 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1238 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1239 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1240 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1241 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1242 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1243 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1244 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1245 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1246 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1247 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1248 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1249 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1250 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1251 going to it is so large.
1252 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1253 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1254 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1255 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1256 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1257 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1258 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1260 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1261 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1262 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1263 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1264 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1265 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1266 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1267 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1268 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1270 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1271 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1272 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1273 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1274 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1275 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1276 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1278 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1280 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1282 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1283 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1284 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1285 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1286 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1287 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1288 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1290 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1291 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1292 suck the poison from the wound."
1293 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1294 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1295 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1296 who my real friends are."
1298 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1299 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1300 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1302 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1303 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1304 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1305 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1306 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1307 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1308 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1309 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1310 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1311 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1314 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1315 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1316 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1317 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1318 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1320 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1321 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1322 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1324 "This is true," He replied.
1325 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1326 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1327 right to make his laws?"
1328 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1331 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1333 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1334 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1335 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1336 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1337 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1338 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1341 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1342 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1343 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1344 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1346 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1347 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1348 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1349 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1350 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1351 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1352 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1353 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1354 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1355 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1356 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1357 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1358 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1359 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1360 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1361 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1364 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1365 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1366 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1367 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1369 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1370 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1371 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1374 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1375 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1376 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1377 These are the things I learned:
1381 Put things back where you found them.
1382 Clean up your own mess.
1383 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1384 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1385 Wash your hands before you eat.
1387 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1388 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1389 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1390 Take a nap every afternoon.
1391 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1393 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1394 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1395 how or why, but we are all like that.
1396 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1397 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1398 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1399 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1400 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1401 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1403 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1404 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1405 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1406 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1407 and to clean up their own mess.
1408 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1409 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1410 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1411 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1413 All that you touch, And all you create,
1414 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1415 All that you taste, All that you do,
1416 All you feel, And all you say,
1417 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1418 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1419 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1420 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1421 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1422 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1423 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1424 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1426 But the sun is eclipsed
1429 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1430 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1432 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1433 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1434 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1435 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1437 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1438 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1439 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1440 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1441 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1442 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1443 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1444 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1445 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1446 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1447 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1448 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1450 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1451 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1452 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1453 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1455 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1456 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1458 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1459 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1460 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1461 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1462 is ready to build a second system.
1463 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1464 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1465 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1466 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1468 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1469 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1470 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1471 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
1473 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1474 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1475 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1476 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1477 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1478 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1480 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1481 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1482 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1483 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1484 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1485 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1487 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1488 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1489 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1490 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1493 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1494 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1495 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1496 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1497 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1498 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1499 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1500 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1501 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1502 this head and pulls the trigger.
1503 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1505 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1506 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1508 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1509 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1510 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1511 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1512 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1513 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1514 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1515 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1516 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1517 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1518 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1519 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1520 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1521 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1523 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1524 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1525 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1526 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1527 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1528 hour seems like a minute."
1529 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1530 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1531 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1533 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1534 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1535 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1536 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1537 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1538 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1539 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1541 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1542 asked the father of his little son.
1545 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1546 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1547 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1548 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1549 can at least make a decision."
1550 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1551 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1552 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1553 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1555 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1556 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1558 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1559 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1560 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1563 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1564 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1565 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1566 "That was the curious incident."
1567 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1569 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1570 preaching to a group of disciples.
1571 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1572 the absolute reality of --"
1573 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1574 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1576 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1577 with the spirit of the morning.
1578 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1580 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1581 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1583 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1584 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1585 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1586 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1587 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1588 Governor, and he vaporized.
1589 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1590 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1592 "Are you police officers?"
1593 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1594 -- The Blues Brothers
1596 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1597 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1600 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1601 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1602 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1603 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1604 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1605 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1607 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1609 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1610 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1611 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1613 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1614 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1616 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1617 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1618 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1619 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1620 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1621 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1622 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1623 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1624 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1625 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1627 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1628 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1629 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1630 by their ignorance the hard way."
1631 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
1633 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1634 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1635 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1636 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1637 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1638 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1639 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1640 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1641 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1642 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1643 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1644 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1645 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1646 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1647 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1648 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1650 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1653 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1654 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1655 still five feet between rails.
1656 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1657 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1658 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1659 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1660 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1661 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1662 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1663 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1664 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1666 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1668 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1669 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1670 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1671 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1672 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1673 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1674 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1675 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1676 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1677 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1678 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1679 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1680 it some other time, Carrie."
1682 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1684 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1685 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1686 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1689 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1690 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1691 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1693 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1694 way I ought to go from here?"
1695 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1697 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1698 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1699 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
1701 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1702 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1704 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1707 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1709 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1710 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1711 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1712 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1713 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1714 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1715 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1716 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1717 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1718 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1719 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1720 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1721 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1722 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1723 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1724 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1725 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1726 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1727 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1729 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1731 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1732 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1733 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1734 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1735 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1736 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1738 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1739 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1740 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1741 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1742 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1744 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1746 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1747 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1748 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1749 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1750 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1751 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1752 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1753 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1754 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1755 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1757 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1758 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1759 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1760 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1762 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1763 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1764 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1765 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1766 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1768 "Do you think there's a God?"
1769 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1772 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1773 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1775 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1777 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1778 Or is Vaseline better?
1780 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1781 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1782 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1783 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1784 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1785 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1786 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1787 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1788 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1789 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1790 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1792 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1793 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1794 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1795 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1797 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1798 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1799 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1800 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1801 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1802 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1803 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1804 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1805 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1806 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1807 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1808 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1809 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1810 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1811 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1812 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1813 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1814 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1815 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1817 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1818 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1819 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1820 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1821 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1822 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1823 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1824 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1825 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1827 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1828 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1829 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1830 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1831 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1832 shot at mine, over there."
1834 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1835 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1836 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1837 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1838 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1839 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1840 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1841 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1842 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1843 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1844 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1845 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1846 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1848 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1849 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1850 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1851 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1854 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1855 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1856 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1857 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1858 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1859 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1860 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1861 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1862 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1863 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1864 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1865 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1867 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1868 that she didn't recognize me.
1869 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1870 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1871 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1872 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1874 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1875 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1876 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1877 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1878 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1879 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1880 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1882 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
1883 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1884 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1885 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1886 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1887 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1888 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1889 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1890 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1891 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1892 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1893 energy policy and neither do you."
1894 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1896 "Fantasies are free."
1897 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1899 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1900 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1901 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1903 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1904 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1905 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1906 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1907 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1908 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1909 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1910 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1911 the little hammers strike.
1912 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1913 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1914 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1916 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1917 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1918 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1920 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1921 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1927 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1928 "of course you know what `it' means."
1930 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1931 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1933 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1935 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1936 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1937 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1938 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1939 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1940 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1941 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1942 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1943 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1944 professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1945 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1946 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1947 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1948 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1950 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
1952 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1954 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1956 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1957 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1958 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1960 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1961 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1963 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
1964 extracurricular activity except you."
1965 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1966 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1967 -- The Firesign Theatre
1969 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1970 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1971 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1972 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1973 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1974 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1976 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1977 differences once and for all.
1978 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
1979 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
1981 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
1982 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
1983 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
1984 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
1985 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
1986 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
1987 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
1988 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
1989 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
1990 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
1991 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
1993 Thank you and good luck.
1994 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
1996 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
1998 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
1999 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2000 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2001 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2002 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2003 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2006 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2007 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2008 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2009 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2010 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2011 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2012 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2013 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2014 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2015 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2016 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2017 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2018 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2019 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2020 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2021 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2022 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2023 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2024 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2025 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2026 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2027 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2029 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2031 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2032 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2033 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2034 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2035 had actually implicationed.
2036 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2037 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2038 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2041 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2042 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2043 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2044 to conquer the world.
2045 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2046 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2047 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2048 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2049 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2050 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2051 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2053 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2054 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2055 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2056 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2057 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2058 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2059 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2060 right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
2061 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2062 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2063 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2065 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2066 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2068 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2069 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2070 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2071 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2072 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2073 the gun on himself!"
2074 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2075 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2077 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2080 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2081 "Yes; I don't have one."
2082 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2083 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2085 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2086 "Oh, twice that long."
2088 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2089 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2092 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2093 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2094 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2095 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2096 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2097 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2098 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2099 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2101 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2102 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2104 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2105 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2106 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2108 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2110 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2111 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2112 without darkening me.
2113 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2115 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2116 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2118 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2119 "How would that help?"
2122 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2125 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2130 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2131 between amd64 and ia64."
2132 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2133 know the difference then."
2134 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2136 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2137 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2138 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2139 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2140 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2141 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2142 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2143 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2144 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2145 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2146 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2147 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2148 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2149 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2150 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2151 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2153 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2154 of her blonde companion.
2155 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2156 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2159 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2160 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2161 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2162 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2163 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2164 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2165 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2166 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2167 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2169 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2170 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2171 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2173 "How many people work here?"
2176 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2177 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2178 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2179 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2181 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2182 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2183 full of money before."
2185 "How'd you get that flat?"
2186 "Ran over a bottle."
2187 "Didn't you see it?"
2188 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2190 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2191 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2192 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2193 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2194 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2195 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2196 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2197 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2198 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2199 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2200 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2202 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2203 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2204 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2205 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2207 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2209 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2210 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2211 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2214 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2215 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2216 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2217 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2218 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2219 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2220 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2221 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2222 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2224 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2226 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2227 (There's a hole *where*?)
2229 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2230 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2231 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2233 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2234 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2235 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2237 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2239 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2242 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2243 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2245 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2247 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2248 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2249 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2250 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2251 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2255 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2256 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2257 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2258 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2259 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2260 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2261 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2262 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2263 have to get back to you.
2265 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2267 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2268 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2269 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2271 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2273 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2274 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2276 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2277 so many different things."
2278 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2281 "Through the Looking-Glass,
2282 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
2284 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2285 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2286 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2287 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2288 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2289 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2290 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2291 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2292 understand his long delay.
2294 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2295 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2296 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2297 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2298 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2299 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2300 shack in the desert.
2301 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2302 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2303 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2305 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2306 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2307 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2308 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2309 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2310 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2311 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2314 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2315 I think very probably he might be cured."
2316 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2317 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2318 The elders murmured assent.
2319 "Now, what affects it?"
2320 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2321 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2322 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2323 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2324 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2325 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2326 irritation and distraction."
2327 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2328 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2329 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2330 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2331 "And then he will be sane?"
2332 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2333 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2334 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2336 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2337 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2340 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2341 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2342 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2343 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2344 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2346 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2347 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2348 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2349 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2350 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2351 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2352 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2353 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2354 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2355 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2356 happened to be in the right.
2357 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2359 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2361 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2363 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2364 back; I would be nice."
2365 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2367 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2369 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2370 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2371 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2372 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2373 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2375 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2376 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2377 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2378 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2380 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2381 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2382 these complaints represent?"
2383 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2384 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2386 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2388 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2389 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2390 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2391 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2392 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2393 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2394 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2395 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2396 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2397 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2398 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2399 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2400 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2401 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2403 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2404 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2405 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2406 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2407 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2409 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
2411 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2412 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2413 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2414 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2415 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2417 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2418 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2421 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2422 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2424 -- The Life of Brian
2426 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2427 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2429 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2430 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2431 that is also a psychological interaction.
2432 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2434 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2435 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2437 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2438 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2439 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2440 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2441 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2443 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2445 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2446 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2448 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2450 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2451 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2452 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2453 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2456 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2457 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2458 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2459 repeat the sequence.
2460 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2461 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2462 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2464 -- William S. Burroughs
2466 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2467 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2468 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2469 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2470 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2471 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2472 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2473 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2474 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2475 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2476 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2477 difficult can it be?"
2478 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2479 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2480 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2481 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2482 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2484 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2485 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2486 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2487 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2488 them, or something?"
2489 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2490 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2491 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2492 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2493 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2494 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2495 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2496 would destroy the whole point of it."
2497 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2499 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2500 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2502 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2504 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2505 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2506 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2507 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2508 was by the time I find it.
2509 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2510 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2511 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2512 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2516 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2517 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2518 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2521 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2522 Junior, what are you up to?"
2523 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2525 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2526 will publish such rubbish!"
2527 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2528 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2529 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2530 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2531 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2533 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2534 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2535 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2536 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2537 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2538 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2539 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2541 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2542 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2544 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2545 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2546 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2547 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2548 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2549 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2550 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2551 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2552 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2554 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2555 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2556 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2557 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2558 been an efficiency expert?
2559 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2561 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2564 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2565 can see what we have done."
2566 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2567 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2568 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2569 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2570 "Certainly," said man.
2571 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2573 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2575 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2576 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2577 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2578 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2579 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2580 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2581 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2582 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2584 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2585 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2586 large numbers and prospered.
2587 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2588 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2589 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2590 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2591 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2592 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2593 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2594 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2595 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2596 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2597 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2598 -- The Story of Babel
2600 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2601 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2603 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2604 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2605 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2606 How could it be otherwise?
2607 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2609 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2610 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2611 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2612 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2613 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2614 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2615 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2616 you close your eyes?"
2617 "So that the room will be empty."
2618 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2620 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2621 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2622 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2623 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2624 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2625 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2626 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2627 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2628 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2629 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2630 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2632 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2633 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2634 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2635 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2636 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2637 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2640 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2641 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2642 life-style otherwise."
2643 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2645 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2646 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2647 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2648 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2650 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2651 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2652 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2653 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2654 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2655 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2656 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2657 freedom and games to the network...
2660 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2661 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2662 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2663 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2664 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2665 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2666 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2667 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2669 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2670 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2671 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2673 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2674 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2675 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2676 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2677 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2678 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2679 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2680 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2681 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2682 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2683 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2684 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2685 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2686 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2687 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2688 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2690 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2691 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2692 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2693 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2694 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2695 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2696 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2697 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2698 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2700 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2701 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2702 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2703 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2704 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2705 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2706 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2708 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2709 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2710 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2711 need to find out where we are."
2712 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2713 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2714 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2716 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2717 fifty feet in the air!"
2718 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2719 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2720 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2723 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2724 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2725 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2727 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2728 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2729 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2730 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2731 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2732 really needed in the first place.
2733 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2734 analogous to the above.
2735 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2737 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2738 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2739 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2740 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2741 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2742 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2743 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2745 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2749 "It means summon's in trouble."
2750 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2752 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2753 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2755 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2756 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2757 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2758 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2759 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2760 it always me, teacher?"
2761 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2764 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2766 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2767 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2768 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2769 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2770 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2771 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2772 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2773 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2774 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2775 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2779 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2780 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2781 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2782 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2783 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2784 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2785 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2786 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2787 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2788 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2789 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2790 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2791 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2792 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2793 now. They're in a band.
2796 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2797 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2798 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2799 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2800 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2801 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2802 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2803 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2804 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2805 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2806 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2807 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2809 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2810 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2811 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2812 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2813 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2814 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2815 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2816 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2817 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2818 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2819 smacked his lips with relish.
2820 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2821 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2826 My love is like an iron wand
2827 That conks me on the head,
2828 My love is like the valium
2829 That I take before my bed,
2830 My love is like the pint of scotch
2831 That I drink when I be dry;
2832 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2833 Until my wife is wise.
2835 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2837 "I said `intellectual'."
2840 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2841 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2844 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2847 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2849 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2850 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2851 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2854 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2855 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2856 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2857 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2858 All I have in the world is this gun."
2860 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2861 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2862 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2863 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2864 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2865 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2866 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2867 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2869 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2870 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2871 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2872 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2873 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2874 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2875 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2876 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2877 movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2878 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2879 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2880 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2881 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2882 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2883 possible, and turns to Murray.
2884 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2885 spits in the sergeants face.
2886 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2887 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2889 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2890 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2891 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2892 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2893 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2894 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2895 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2896 and Knights of Pithiests.
2897 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2898 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2899 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2900 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2901 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2902 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2903 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2904 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2905 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2906 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2907 So we're going back in a few years...
2910 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2911 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2913 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2914 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2915 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2916 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2917 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2918 the alter of human limitations.
2919 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2920 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2921 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2922 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2923 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2924 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2925 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2926 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2927 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2929 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2930 a girl should not do before twenty."
2931 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
2934 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2935 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2936 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2937 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2938 true value of the company.
2939 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
2940 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
2941 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
2942 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
2943 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
2944 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
2947 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
2948 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
2949 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
2950 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
2951 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
2952 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
2954 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
2955 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
2957 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
2958 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
2959 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
2960 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
2961 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
2962 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
2963 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
2964 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
2965 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
2966 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
2967 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
2968 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
2969 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
2970 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
2971 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
2973 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
2974 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
2975 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
2976 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
2977 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
2978 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
2979 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
2980 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
2981 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
2982 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
2983 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
2984 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
2985 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
2986 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
2987 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
2989 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2991 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
2992 to be avoided than harped upon.
2993 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
2994 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
2995 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
2996 about helping to postpone this reunion.
2997 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
2999 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3000 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3001 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3002 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3004 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3007 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3008 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3009 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3010 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3011 no attention to the signal.
3012 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3013 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3014 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3015 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3016 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3018 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3019 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3020 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3021 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3022 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3023 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3024 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3025 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3026 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3028 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3029 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3030 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3031 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3032 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3033 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3034 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3035 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3036 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3037 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3038 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3039 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3040 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3041 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3044 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3045 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3046 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3047 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3048 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3049 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3050 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3051 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3052 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3053 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3054 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3055 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3056 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3057 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3058 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3059 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3060 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3061 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3063 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3064 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3065 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3066 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3067 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3068 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3069 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3070 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3071 she looked like the side of a barn.
3072 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3073 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3074 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3075 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3076 to decide quickly. I decided.
3077 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3078 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
3079 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3080 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3081 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3082 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3083 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3084 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3086 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3087 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3088 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3089 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3090 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3091 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3092 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3093 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3094 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3095 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3096 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3097 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3098 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3099 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3100 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3101 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3102 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3103 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3106 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3107 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3108 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3109 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3110 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3111 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3112 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3113 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3114 die quicker than boredom!"
3115 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3116 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3117 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3118 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3119 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3120 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3121 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3122 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3123 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3124 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3125 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3128 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3129 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3130 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3131 dolphins live forever!
3132 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3133 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3134 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3135 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3136 steal one of these birds.
3137 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3138 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3139 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3140 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3141 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3142 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3143 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3144 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3145 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3147 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3148 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3149 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3150 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3151 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3152 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3153 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3154 help you break such a spell."
3155 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3156 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3157 the night under her pillow."
3158 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3159 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3160 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3161 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3162 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3164 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3165 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3166 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3167 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3168 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3169 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3170 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3171 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3172 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3173 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3174 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3175 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3176 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3177 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3178 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3179 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3180 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3181 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3182 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3183 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3184 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3186 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3187 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3188 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3189 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3190 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3191 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3192 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3193 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3194 perception of the elephant.
3195 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3196 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3197 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3198 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3199 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3201 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3202 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3203 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3204 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3205 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3206 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3207 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3208 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3209 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3210 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3211 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3212 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3213 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3215 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3216 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3217 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3218 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3219 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3220 available to anyone.
3221 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3223 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3224 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3226 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3227 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3230 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3231 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3232 went to speak with him.
3233 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3235 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3236 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3237 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3239 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3240 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3241 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3242 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3243 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3244 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3246 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3248 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3249 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3250 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3251 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3253 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3254 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3255 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3256 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3257 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3258 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3259 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3260 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3261 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3262 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3263 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3264 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3265 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3266 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3267 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3268 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3269 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3270 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3271 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3274 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3275 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3276 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3277 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3278 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3279 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3281 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3282 Back came the reply...
3283 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3284 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3285 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3286 Back came the reply...
3287 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3288 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3290 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3291 is our support for UNIX?
3292 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3293 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3294 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3295 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3296 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3297 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3298 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3299 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3300 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3301 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3302 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3303 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3304 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3305 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3306 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3307 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3308 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3312 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3313 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3314 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3315 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3316 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3319 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3320 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3321 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3322 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3323 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3324 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3325 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3328 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3330 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3331 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3332 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3333 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3334 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3336 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3337 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3338 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3339 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3340 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3341 never reveal our sauce."
3342 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3343 kept favoring curry.
3344 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3345 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3347 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3348 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3350 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3351 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3352 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3353 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3354 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3355 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3356 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3357 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3358 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3359 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3360 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3361 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3363 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3364 sounding a bit worried.
3365 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3366 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3367 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3369 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3370 Cobb said, hopping out.
3371 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3373 Phases of a Project:
3377 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3378 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3379 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3381 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3382 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3383 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3384 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3385 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3386 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3387 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3388 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3389 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3390 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3392 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3393 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3394 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3395 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3396 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3398 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3399 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3400 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3401 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3402 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3404 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3406 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3407 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3408 ran like a gentle wind.
3409 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3410 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3411 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3412 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3413 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3414 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3415 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3416 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3417 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3418 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3419 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3420 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3421 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3422 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3424 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3425 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3426 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3427 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3428 starfield surrounding the ship.
3429 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3430 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3431 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3432 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3433 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3434 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3435 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3437 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3438 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3439 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3440 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3441 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3442 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3443 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3444 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3445 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3446 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3447 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3448 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3449 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3450 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3451 On the Campaign Trail"
3453 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3454 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3455 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3456 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3457 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3458 if they don't live our way."
3460 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3461 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3462 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3463 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3464 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3465 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3466 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3467 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3468 "When you look at it that way..."
3469 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3470 Whatever. We want. To do."
3471 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3473 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3474 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3475 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3476 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3477 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3478 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3479 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3480 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3481 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3483 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3485 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3486 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3487 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3489 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3490 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3491 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3492 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3493 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3494 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3495 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3496 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3504 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3505 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3506 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3507 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3508 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3509 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3510 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3511 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3512 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3513 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3515 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3516 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3517 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3518 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3520 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3521 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3522 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3523 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3524 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3525 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3527 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3528 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3529 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3530 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3531 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3532 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3533 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3534 nice gesture you made today, George.
3535 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3536 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3537 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3538 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3541 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3542 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3543 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3544 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3545 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3546 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3547 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3548 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3549 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3551 "Through the Looking-Glass,
3552 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
3554 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3555 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3556 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3557 the odd integers are prime."
3558 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3559 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3560 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3561 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3562 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3563 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3564 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3565 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3566 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3568 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3569 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3570 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3571 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3572 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3574 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3575 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3578 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3579 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3580 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3582 "What's he wanted for?"
3585 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3586 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3587 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3588 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3589 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3590 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3591 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3592 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3593 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3596 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3597 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3598 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3599 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3600 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3601 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3602 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3603 right straight toward us.
3604 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3605 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3606 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3607 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3608 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3609 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3610 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3611 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3612 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3613 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3614 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3616 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3617 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3618 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3620 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3621 -- Dating in Minnesota
3623 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3624 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3625 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3626 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3627 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3628 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3629 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3630 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3631 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3632 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3633 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3634 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3635 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3636 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3637 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3638 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3639 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3640 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3641 This is the Minneapple.
3643 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3644 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3645 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3647 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3648 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3649 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3650 harmony in the world.
3651 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3653 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3655 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3656 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3657 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3658 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3659 farmers in America."
3660 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3662 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3663 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3664 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3665 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3666 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3667 Machineries of Joy?"
3668 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3669 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3671 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3673 Bottle 750 milliliters
3674 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3676 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3677 Methuselah 8 bottles
3678 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3679 Balthazar 16 bottles
3680 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3681 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3683 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3684 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3685 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3686 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3688 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3689 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3691 "What is your name?"
3692 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3693 "What is your quest?"
3694 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3695 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3696 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3697 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3699 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3700 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3701 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3702 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3703 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3704 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3705 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3706 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3707 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3708 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3709 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3710 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3711 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3712 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3713 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3714 broke and rolled back.
3715 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3717 "Surely you can't be serious."
3718 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3720 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3721 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3722 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3723 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3724 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3725 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3726 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3728 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3730 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3731 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3732 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3733 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3734 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3736 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3738 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3739 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3740 -- e. e. cummings last service call
3742 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3743 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3744 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3745 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3746 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3747 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3748 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3749 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3750 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3751 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3752 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3754 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3755 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3756 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3757 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3758 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3759 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3760 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3761 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3762 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3763 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3765 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3766 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3767 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3768 got a sense of humor?"
3769 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3771 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3772 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3773 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3775 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3778 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3780 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3781 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3783 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3784 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3785 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3786 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3787 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3789 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3790 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3792 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3794 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3796 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3797 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3799 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3800 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3801 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3802 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3803 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3805 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3806 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3808 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3810 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3812 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3813 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3815 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3816 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3817 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3818 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3819 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3820 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3821 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3823 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3824 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3825 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3826 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3827 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3828 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3830 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3831 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3832 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3833 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3834 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3835 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3836 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3837 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3838 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3840 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3841 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3842 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3843 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3845 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3847 On the good ship Enterprise
3848 Every week there's a new surprise
3849 Where the Romulans lurk
3850 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3852 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3853 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3855 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3857 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3858 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3859 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3860 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3862 It's the good ship Enterprise
3863 Heading out where danger lies
3864 And you live in dread
3865 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3866 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3868 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3869 the subject of towels.
3870 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3871 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3872 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3873 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3874 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3875 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3876 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3877 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3879 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3880 the subject of towels.
3881 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3882 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3883 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3884 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3885 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3886 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3887 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3888 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3890 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3892 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3893 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3894 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3895 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3896 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3897 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3898 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3899 "That's two," he said.
3900 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3901 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3902 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3903 shot the horse between the eyes.
3904 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3905 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3906 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3908 "The jig's up, Elman."
3912 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3914 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3915 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3916 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3917 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3918 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3921 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3922 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3923 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3926 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
3928 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
3929 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
3930 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
3932 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
3933 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
3934 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
3937 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
3938 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
3939 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
3941 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
3942 you find the time to try it again?"
3944 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
3945 a position of negative need.
3946 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
3947 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
3949 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
3950 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
3951 prestige of His identity.
3952 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
3953 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
3954 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
3955 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
3956 into a pleasurific mood state.
3957 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
3958 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
3959 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
3960 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
3961 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
3962 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
3963 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
3964 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
3967 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
3968 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
3969 master's office while the master waited in silence.
3970 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
3971 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
3972 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
3973 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
3975 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
3977 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
3978 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
3980 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
3981 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
3983 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
3984 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
3985 you know where it might be?"
3986 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
3987 in the data center."
3988 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3990 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
3991 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
3993 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
3994 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
3995 right! Can I have a dollar?"
3997 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
3998 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
3999 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4000 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4002 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4003 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4005 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4006 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4008 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4009 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4010 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4011 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4013 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4014 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4015 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4017 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4018 logically experienced citizens."
4020 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4021 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4022 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4024 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4025 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4027 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4028 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4030 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4031 Alice corrected herself.
4032 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4033 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4034 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4035 time completely bewildered.
4036 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4037 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4039 "Through the Looking-Glass,
4040 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
4042 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4043 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4044 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4045 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4046 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4047 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4049 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4050 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4051 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4052 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4053 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4054 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4056 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4058 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4059 problems in order to get results
4060 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4061 toy problems in order to get results.
4063 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4064 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4065 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4066 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4067 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4068 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4069 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4070 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4072 "The pyramid is opening!"
4074 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4075 -- The Firesign Theatre,
4076 "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4077 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4079 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4080 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4081 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4082 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4083 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4084 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4085 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4086 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4087 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4088 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4089 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4090 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4091 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4092 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4093 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4095 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4097 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4099 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4100 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4102 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4103 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4105 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4106 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4108 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4109 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4110 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4111 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4112 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4113 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4114 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4116 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4117 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4118 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4119 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4121 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4123 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4124 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4125 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4127 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4128 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4130 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4134 The wombat lives across the seas,
4135 Among the far Antipodes.
4136 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4137 Or then again, on missionaries;
4138 His distant habitat precludes
4139 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4140 But I would not engage the wombat
4141 In any form of mortal combat.
4143 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4144 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4145 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4146 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4147 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4148 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4149 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4150 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4151 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4152 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4153 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4154 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4155 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4156 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4157 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4160 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4161 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4162 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4163 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4164 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4165 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4166 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4167 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4168 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4169 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4170 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4171 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4172 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4174 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4175 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4176 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4178 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4179 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4180 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4181 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4182 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4186 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4187 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4188 hard, to keep from falling.
4189 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4190 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4192 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4193 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4194 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4195 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4197 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4198 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4203 Into love and out again,
4204 Thus I went and thus I go.
4205 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4206 Well and bitterly I know
4207 All the songs were ever sung,
4208 All the words were ever said;
4209 Could it be, when I was young,
4210 Someone dropped me on my head?
4213 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4214 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4215 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4216 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4217 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4219 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4220 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4221 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4222 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4223 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4224 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4225 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4226 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4228 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4229 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4230 that people cannot think.
4231 -- Richard W. Hamming
4233 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4234 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4235 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4236 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4237 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4238 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4239 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4240 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4241 but nothing was to be found.
4242 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4243 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4244 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4245 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4246 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4247 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4248 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4249 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4251 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4252 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4253 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4254 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4255 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4256 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4257 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4259 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4260 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4261 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4262 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4263 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4265 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4266 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4267 a man who answered one door.
4268 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4270 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4271 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4272 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4273 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4275 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4276 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4277 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4278 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4279 they're carrying upstairs!"
4281 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4282 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4283 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4285 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4286 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4287 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4289 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4290 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4291 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4292 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4293 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4294 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4295 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4296 Proof: assume the opposite...
4298 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4299 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4300 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4301 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4302 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4303 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4305 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4306 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4307 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4308 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4309 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4310 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4311 is easier to design."
4312 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4313 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4314 The programmer made no reply.
4315 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4317 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4318 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4319 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4320 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4321 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4322 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4323 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4324 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4325 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4326 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4327 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4328 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4329 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4330 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4332 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4333 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4334 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4335 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4336 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4337 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4338 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4339 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4340 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4341 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4342 things was itself the doing of them.
4343 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4344 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4345 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4346 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4347 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4348 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4349 spread only for demons or for gods."
4350 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4352 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4353 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4354 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4355 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4356 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4357 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4358 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4359 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4360 country. We're completely computerized.
4361 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4362 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4363 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4364 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4365 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4366 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4367 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4368 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4369 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4370 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4371 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4372 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4373 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4375 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4376 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4377 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4378 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4379 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4380 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4381 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4382 making anything out of all the hard work.
4383 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4384 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4385 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4386 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4387 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4389 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4390 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4392 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4393 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4394 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4395 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4396 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4397 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4398 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4399 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4400 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4401 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4402 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4403 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4404 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4405 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4406 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4408 To A Quick Young Fox:
4409 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4410 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4411 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4412 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4415 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4416 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4417 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4418 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4419 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4420 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4421 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4422 pint of ice cream nearby.
4423 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4425 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4427 The other saw stars.
4429 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4430 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4433 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4434 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4435 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4436 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4437 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4438 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4439 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4440 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4441 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4442 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4443 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4444 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4445 was Carmen or Cohen.
4446 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4447 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4448 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4450 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4451 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4453 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4455 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4456 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4457 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4458 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4459 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4460 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4461 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4462 soggy potato chips."
4463 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4464 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4465 "but I thought it made good copy."
4466 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4468 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4469 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4472 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4473 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4474 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4476 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4477 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4478 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4480 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4482 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4484 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4486 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4487 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4488 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4489 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4490 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4491 by law, up to and including nothing.
4492 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4493 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4494 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4495 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4496 attack shark at which point we relented.
4497 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4499 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4500 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4501 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4502 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4504 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4505 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4506 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4507 -- William Burroughs
4509 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4511 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4512 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4513 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4514 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4515 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4516 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4517 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4518 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4519 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4520 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4521 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4522 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4524 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4525 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4526 psycho-prompter couch?"
4528 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4529 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4530 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4532 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4533 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4534 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4535 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4536 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4537 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4539 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4540 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4541 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4543 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4547 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4548 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4549 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4550 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4551 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4552 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4553 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4554 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4555 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4556 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4557 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4558 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4559 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4560 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4561 Time passed, unheeded.
4562 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4563 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4566 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4567 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4568 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4569 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4571 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4572 let him lie there all night."
4573 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4574 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4575 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4576 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4577 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4578 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4579 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4580 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4581 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4582 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4583 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4584 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4585 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4587 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4588 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4589 maim or kill innocent little children."
4590 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4591 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4594 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4596 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4597 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4598 "It means the Thing to Do."
4599 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4601 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4602 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4603 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4606 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4607 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4608 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4609 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4611 The New Yorker's comment:
4612 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4614 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4615 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4616 "No, we just don't like him."
4617 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4618 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4619 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4620 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4622 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4623 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4624 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4625 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4628 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4629 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4630 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4631 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4632 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4633 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4634 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4635 they're not selling."
4636 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4637 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4639 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4640 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4641 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4642 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4643 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4644 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4646 "What are we going to do?"
4647 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4648 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4649 short initiation period."
4650 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4652 "What are you watching?"
4654 "Well, what's happening?"
4655 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4657 "Why are you watching it?"
4658 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4662 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4664 "You keep it to yourself."
4667 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4669 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4671 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4672 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4673 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4674 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4675 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4676 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4677 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4678 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4679 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4680 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4681 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4682 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4683 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4684 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4686 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4687 didn't believe in God".
4688 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4689 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4690 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4693 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4694 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4695 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4696 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4698 "What's that thing?"
4699 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4700 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4701 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4702 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
4704 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4705 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4706 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4707 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4708 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4709 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4710 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4711 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4713 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4714 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4715 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4717 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4718 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4719 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4720 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4721 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4722 moved farther to the left."
4723 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4725 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4726 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4727 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4729 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4730 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4731 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4732 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4734 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4735 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4737 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4738 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4739 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4740 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4741 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4743 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4744 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4745 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4746 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4747 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4748 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4749 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4750 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4751 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4752 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4754 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4756 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4757 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4758 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4759 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4761 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4763 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4764 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4765 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4766 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4767 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4768 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4769 then. We're trying to catch her."
4770 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4771 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4772 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4774 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4775 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4776 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4779 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4780 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4781 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4783 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4784 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4785 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4786 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4787 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4788 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4789 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4790 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4791 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4792 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4793 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4794 why the sea is salt."
4795 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4796 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4798 Why are you doing this to me?
4799 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4801 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4803 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4804 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4805 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4806 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4809 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4810 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4811 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4812 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4813 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4814 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4815 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4816 "Okay. It's your wife."
4820 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4821 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4828 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4829 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4831 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4832 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4833 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4834 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4835 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4837 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4838 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4839 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4840 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4841 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4842 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4843 long, and two mouses wide."
4844 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4846 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4850 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4851 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4852 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4853 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4854 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4855 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4856 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4857 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4859 "You are *so* lovely."
4861 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4863 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4864 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4865 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4867 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4868 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4869 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4870 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4871 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4873 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4874 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4875 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4877 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4878 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
4879 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4881 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4882 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4883 fit to hear his view of things?"
4884 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4885 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4886 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4887 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4888 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4889 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4890 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4892 "You say there are two types of people?"
4893 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4895 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4896 Those who separate people into three groups.
4897 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4898 Those who can't decide."
4899 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4901 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4902 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4904 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4905 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4908 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4909 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4910 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4911 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4912 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4913 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4914 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4915 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4916 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4917 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4918 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4919 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4920 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4921 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
4923 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
4924 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
4925 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
4926 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
4927 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
4928 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
4929 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
4930 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
4931 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
4932 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
4933 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
4934 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
4935 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
4936 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
4937 cats on the dinette table, etc.
4938 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4940 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
4941 "We wound barbed wire around them."
4943 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
4945 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a
4946 matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the
4947 will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a
4948 freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental
4949 predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure
4950 over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in
4951 a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years;
4952 people grow old by deserting their ideals.
4954 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles
4955 the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the
4956 long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
4959 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being’s heart a
4960 love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
4961 thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
4962 appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
4964 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young
4965 as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as
4966 old as your despair.
4968 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station.
4969 So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur,
4970 courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so
4971 long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places
4972 of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of
4973 cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!
4974 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in
4975 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood
4989 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
4990 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
4991 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
4992 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
4998 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5000 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5001 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5003 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5005 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5006 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5007 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5008 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5009 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5011 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5023 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5024 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5025 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5026 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5027 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5028 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5029 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5030 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5031 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5038 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5042 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5044 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5045 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5046 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5047 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5048 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5049 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5050 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5052 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5054 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5055 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5056 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5057 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5058 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5060 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
5062 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5063 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5064 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5065 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5066 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5068 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
5070 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5072 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5073 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5074 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5075 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5076 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5079 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5081 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5083 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5084 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5085 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5086 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5087 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5090 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5092 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5093 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5094 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5095 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5097 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5098 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5099 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5102 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5103 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5104 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5106 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5107 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5109 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5111 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5113 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5114 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5115 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5116 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5118 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5120 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5121 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5122 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5123 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5124 it cold boots the machine so often.
5126 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5128 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5129 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5130 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5131 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5132 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5134 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5139 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5140 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5141 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5142 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5143 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5145 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5147 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5149 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5150 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5151 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5152 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5153 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5154 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5155 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5156 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5157 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5158 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5160 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5162 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5163 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5164 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5165 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5166 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5167 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5168 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5169 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5170 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5171 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5172 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5174 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5176 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5177 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5181 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5183 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5185 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5188 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5190 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5192 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5194 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5196 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5197 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5198 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5199 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5200 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5202 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5204 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5205 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5206 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5207 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5208 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5209 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5210 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5211 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5214 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5216 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5217 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5218 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5219 second per second takes over.
5220 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5221 intervenes suddenly.
5222 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5223 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5224 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5225 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5227 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5228 conforming to its perimeter.
5229 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5230 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5231 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5232 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5233 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5234 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5236 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5237 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5238 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5240 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5241 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5244 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5245 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5246 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5249 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5250 have turned into a pile of dust.
5252 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5253 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5256 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5257 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5258 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5259 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5260 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5261 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5262 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5264 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5265 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5266 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5267 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5268 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5269 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5270 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5272 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5274 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5275 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5276 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5277 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5278 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5279 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5281 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5282 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5283 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5286 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5287 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5288 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5289 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5290 never when standing.
5292 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5293 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5294 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5295 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5296 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5297 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5298 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5299 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5300 astray by hunting and pecking.
5301 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5302 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5304 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5306 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5308 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5310 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5311 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5312 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5313 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5314 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5315 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5316 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5317 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5318 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5319 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5320 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5321 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5323 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5324 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5325 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5326 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5327 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5328 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5329 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5330 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5331 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5332 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5334 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5335 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5336 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5337 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5338 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5339 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5340 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5341 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5342 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5344 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5347 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5348 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5349 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5350 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5351 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5352 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5353 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5354 other's private parts.
5355 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5357 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5358 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5360 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5362 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5363 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5366 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5367 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5368 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5369 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5370 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5371 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5373 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5375 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5376 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5377 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5378 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5379 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5380 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5381 knows them in the naming.
5382 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5388 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5389 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5390 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5391 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5394 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5395 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5396 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5397 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5399 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5401 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5402 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5403 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5404 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5405 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5406 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5407 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5408 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5409 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5410 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5411 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5412 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5413 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5415 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5416 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5417 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5418 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5420 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5422 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5423 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5424 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5427 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5428 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5429 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5431 : is not an identifier
5433 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5434 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5435 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5436 superficial design flaws.
5437 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5438 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5440 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5441 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5442 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5443 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5446 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5447 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5450 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5451 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5454 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5455 legally ... impeccable!
5457 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5458 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5459 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5460 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5461 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5462 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5463 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5464 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5465 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5466 of a lucrative nature.
5467 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5468 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5470 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5474 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5475 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5476 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5478 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5479 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5482 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5483 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5484 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5485 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5486 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5487 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5488 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5489 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5490 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5491 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5492 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5493 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5494 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5495 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5497 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5499 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5500 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5501 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5502 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5503 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5504 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5505 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5507 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5508 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5512 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5513 Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5514 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5515 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5516 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5517 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5518 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5520 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5521 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5522 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5523 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5524 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5526 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5527 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5528 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5529 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5530 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5532 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5533 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5534 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5535 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5536 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5537 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5539 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5540 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5541 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5542 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5543 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5545 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5546 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5547 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5548 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5549 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5550 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5551 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5552 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5553 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5554 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5555 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5556 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5557 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5558 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5559 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5561 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5563 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5564 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5565 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5566 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5567 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5568 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5569 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5570 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5571 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5572 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5573 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5574 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5575 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5576 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5577 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5578 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5580 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5585 Norman, knock loudly,
5590 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5593 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5594 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5595 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5598 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5599 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5600 optimal cachinnation.
5602 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5603 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5604 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5605 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5606 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5608 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5609 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5610 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5611 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5613 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5615 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5616 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5617 -- The Firesign Theatre
5619 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5620 from beginning to end.
5621 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5624 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5626 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5628 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5629 entrances; others cannot.
5630 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5631 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5632 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5633 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5634 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5636 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5637 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5638 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5639 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5640 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5641 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5642 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5643 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5644 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5645 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5646 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5647 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5648 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5652 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5653 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5654 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5655 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5656 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5657 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5658 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5659 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5660 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5661 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5663 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5664 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5666 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5667 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5668 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5670 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5671 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5672 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5673 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5674 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5675 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5676 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5677 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5678 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5679 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5680 barely able to walk.
5681 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5682 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5683 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5684 "The good news first!"
5685 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5686 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5687 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5688 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5691 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5693 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5694 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5695 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5697 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5698 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5700 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5701 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5702 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5703 Wash the windows once a week.
5704 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5705 coal for the day's business.
5706 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5708 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5709 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5710 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5711 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5712 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5715 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5717 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5718 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5719 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5720 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5721 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5722 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5723 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5724 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5725 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5726 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5727 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5729 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5730 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5731 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5732 (4) Four is an even number.
5733 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5734 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5735 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5737 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5738 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5739 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5740 (4) Four is an even number.
5741 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5742 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5743 Therefore, all horses are black.
5745 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5746 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5747 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5748 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5749 the social ramble ain't restful.
5750 5. Avoid running at all times.
5751 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5752 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5754 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5755 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5757 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5758 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5759 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5760 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5761 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5762 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5763 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5764 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5765 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5766 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5767 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5768 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5769 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5770 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5771 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5772 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5773 to 1 meter per second
5774 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5775 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5776 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5777 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5778 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5779 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5780 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5781 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5782 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5786 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5787 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5788 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5789 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5791 1: No code table for op: ++post
5794 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5795 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5796 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5797 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5798 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5799 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5800 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5802 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5803 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5804 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5805 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5806 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5807 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5808 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5809 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5810 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5811 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5813 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
5815 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5817 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5818 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5819 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5820 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5821 other beers on the side.
5822 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
5824 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5825 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5826 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5827 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5829 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5830 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5831 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5833 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5835 Take one down, short it to ground
5836 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5838 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5840 Take one down, short it to ground
5841 FE buckets of bits on the bus
5845 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5846 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5847 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5849 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5851 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5852 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5856 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5859 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5863 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5869 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5872 1/2 oz. orange juice
5875 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5876 Long Island Iced Tea
5880 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5882 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5883 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5884 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5885 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5886 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5887 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5889 Nine in the second place means:
5890 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5892 Six in the third place means:
5893 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5894 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5896 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5899 17th Rule of Friendship:
5901 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5902 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5904 -- Esquire, May 1977
5906 186,000 miles per second:
5907 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5909 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5910 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5912 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5913 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5914 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5915 1907 Good to the last drop
5916 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5917 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5918 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5919 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5920 1919 It satisfies thirst
5921 1919 The taste is the test
5922 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5923 1922 Thirst knows no season
5924 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5925 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5927 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5928 1929 The high sign of refreshment
5929 1929 The pause that refreshes
5930 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
5931 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
5932 1935 The pause that brings friends together
5933 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
5934 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
5935 1939 Thirst stops here
5936 1942 It's the real thing
5938 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
5939 1963 Things go better with Coke
5940 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
5941 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
5943 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5945 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
5947 2nd graffitiest: Why?
5949 2180, U.S. History question:
5950 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
5951 office did he later hold?
5953 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
5954 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
5955 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
5957 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
5962 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
5964 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
5965 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
5966 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
5967 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
5968 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
5970 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
5972 3rd Law of Computing:
5973 Anything that can go wr
5974 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5976 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
5978 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
5980 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
5981 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
5982 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
5983 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
5984 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
5985 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
5986 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
5987 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
5988 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
5990 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
5991 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
5992 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
5993 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
5994 and other good books.
5995 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
5996 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
5997 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
5998 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
5999 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6000 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6001 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6002 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6003 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6004 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6006 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6014 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6015 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6018 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6019 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6020 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6022 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6023 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6025 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6026 and the rest hang out around here.
6028 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6030 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6031 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6033 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6035 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6036 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6038 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6039 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6041 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6044 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6046 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6047 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6050 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6052 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6056 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6057 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6059 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6060 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6063 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6064 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6067 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6070 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6071 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6073 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6075 A beginning is the time for taking the
6076 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6077 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6079 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6080 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6082 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6083 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6084 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6085 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6087 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6088 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6089 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6091 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6092 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6093 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6094 there's one white zebra."
6095 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6097 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6099 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6101 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6104 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6106 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6112 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6113 that the animal is going somewhere.
6116 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6117 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6118 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6119 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6120 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6121 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6122 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6123 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6124 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6125 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6126 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6127 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6128 resource centers along the roads.
6129 -- The Underground Grammarian
6131 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6132 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6134 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6135 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6137 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6139 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6140 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6143 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6144 of turning around three times before lying down.
6147 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6150 A budget is just a method of worrying
6151 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6153 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6155 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6157 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6158 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6159 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6160 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6161 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6162 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6163 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6164 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6165 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6166 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6167 pole in a complex plane."
6169 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6170 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6171 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6172 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6173 -- Robert W. Service
6175 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6176 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6178 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6181 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6182 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6184 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6185 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6186 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6187 examine him about his recent diet.
6188 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6190 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6191 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6192 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6193 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6194 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6195 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6196 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6198 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6200 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6201 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6202 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6203 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6204 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6205 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6206 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6208 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6209 does not prove anything.
6210 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6212 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6214 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6215 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6217 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6218 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6219 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6220 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6221 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6222 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6223 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6224 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6227 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6228 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6229 who passed it on to theirs.
6231 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6232 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6233 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6234 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6235 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6236 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6237 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6238 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6239 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6240 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6241 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6242 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6243 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6244 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6246 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6247 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6248 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6250 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6251 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6253 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6255 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6258 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6260 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6261 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6262 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6265 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6267 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6268 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6270 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6271 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6273 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6274 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6277 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6280 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6282 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
6283 and nobody wants to read.
6284 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6285 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6287 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6289 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6290 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6291 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6292 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6293 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6295 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6297 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6298 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6299 valuable scientific objectivity.
6301 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6302 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6303 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6305 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6306 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6308 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6310 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6311 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6312 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6313 disability you may have experienced.
6315 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6316 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6317 explained in terms that you would understand.
6319 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6320 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6321 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6323 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6325 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6326 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6327 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6329 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6330 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6332 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6333 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6334 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6335 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6337 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6338 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6340 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6341 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6342 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6343 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6345 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6348 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6349 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6351 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6352 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6355 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6358 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6360 A complex system that works is invariably
6361 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6363 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6366 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6369 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6370 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6373 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6374 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6375 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6376 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6378 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6379 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6380 Computer: George Washington.
6381 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6382 Where is my father?"
6383 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6384 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6386 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6387 landed a twelve pound bass.
6389 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6390 the computer science student has run in to.
6392 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6393 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6394 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6395 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6396 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6397 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6398 get the pointer value from there?
6399 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6400 make it point to the previous item.
6401 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6402 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6404 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6406 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6408 A computer science student on an exam:
6410 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6411 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6412 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6415 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6417 A computer, to print out a fact,
6418 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6419 But this output can be
6420 No more than debris,
6421 If the input was short of exact.
6424 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6425 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6427 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6429 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6430 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6433 A CONS is an object which cares.
6436 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6439 A conservative is a man
6440 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6443 A conservative is a man
6444 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6445 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6447 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6448 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6450 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6453 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6454 damned things is ample.
6457 A couch is as good as a chair.
6459 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6460 -- Benjamin Franklin
6462 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6463 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6464 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6465 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6466 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6467 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6468 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6469 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6470 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6472 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6473 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6474 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6475 there, he don't have one!"
6477 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6478 money is always there but the pockets change;
6479 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6480 and that is all there is to say about money.
6483 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6484 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6485 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6486 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6487 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6488 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6489 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6490 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6491 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6492 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6493 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6494 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6495 this central section.
6496 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6497 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6498 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6499 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6501 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6504 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6505 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6506 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6508 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6511 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6513 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6515 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6517 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6519 A day without sunshine is like night.
6521 A dead man cannot bite.
6522 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6524 A debugged program is one for which you have
6525 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6528 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6529 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6530 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6531 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6532 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6533 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6534 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6536 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6537 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6539 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6540 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6542 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6543 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6546 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6547 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6548 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6550 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6553 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6554 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6556 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6557 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6559 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6560 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6562 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6563 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6564 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6566 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6568 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6569 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6570 that you only have six weeks to live."
6571 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6573 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6576 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6577 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6578 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6579 courtesy," he explained.
6581 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6584 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6588 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6591 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6592 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6593 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6594 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6596 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6599 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6601 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6604 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6605 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6607 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6609 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6610 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6611 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6612 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6613 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6614 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6615 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6617 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6618 -- Winston Churchill
6620 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6622 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6623 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6624 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6625 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6626 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6627 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6628 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6629 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6630 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6631 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6632 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6633 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6634 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6636 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6637 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6640 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6641 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6642 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6643 should be masculine or feminine.
6644 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6645 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6646 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6647 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6648 went on their way rather quickly.
6649 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6650 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6651 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6653 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6655 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6656 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6657 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6660 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6661 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6663 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6665 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6667 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6668 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6669 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6670 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6671 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6672 drowned in the lake!"
6673 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6674 more chain than he can swim with?"
6676 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6677 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6678 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6679 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6680 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6681 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6684 (Or scatters scats);
6685 A potting shed's for potting;
6688 Or caught an otter otting.
6691 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6693 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6694 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6696 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6698 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6700 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6702 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6703 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6705 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6707 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6708 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6710 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6711 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6713 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6714 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6715 -- George Bernard Shaw
6717 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6720 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6722 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6725 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6726 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6727 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6729 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6730 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6732 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6735 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6737 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6738 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6740 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6741 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6744 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6745 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6747 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6749 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6750 -- Benjamin Franklin
6752 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6754 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
6757 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6759 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6760 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6761 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6762 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6765 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6766 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6768 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6769 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6770 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6771 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6772 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6775 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6776 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6777 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6778 electrical shock to the horse.
6779 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6780 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6781 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6782 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6783 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6784 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6786 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6788 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6790 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6792 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6794 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6796 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6799 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6801 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6802 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6803 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt _
\bh_
\ba_
\bd _
\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6804 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6806 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6807 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6809 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6812 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6813 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6815 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6816 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6818 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6819 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6820 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6821 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6825 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6826 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6827 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6828 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6829 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6830 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6833 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6834 -- Michel de Montaigne
6836 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6838 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6839 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6842 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6845 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6849 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6850 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6851 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6854 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6857 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6859 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6861 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6862 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6863 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6864 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6866 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6867 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6868 "That's dynamite, baby."
6869 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
6871 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6872 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6876 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6877 the table after you eat.
6879 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6882 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6883 to take it all away.
6886 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6888 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6889 -- Benjamin Franklin
6891 A great many people think they are thinking
6892 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6895 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6898 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6899 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6900 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6901 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6902 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6903 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6904 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6905 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
6906 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6907 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6908 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6909 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6910 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6911 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6913 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6914 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6915 not going to church on Sunday.
6918 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6921 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6922 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6924 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6927 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6928 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6929 Brings good fortune.
6931 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
6933 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
6935 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
6937 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
6938 weight in other people's patience.
6941 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
6943 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
6944 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
6945 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
6950 A Hen Brooding Kittens
6951 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
6952 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
6953 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
6954 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
6955 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
6956 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
6957 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
6958 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
6960 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
6962 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
6963 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
6966 A holding company is a thing where you hand
6967 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
6969 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
6970 "Hello?" his friend answers.
6971 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
6972 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
6973 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
6974 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
6975 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
6976 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
6977 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
6979 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
6981 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
6982 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
6984 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
6986 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
6987 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
6988 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
6990 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
6993 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
6996 A hypothetical paradox:
6997 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
6998 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
6999 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7002 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7003 C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7004 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7005 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7006 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7007 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7008 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
7009 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7010 Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7011 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
7012 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7013 W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
7014 Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
7015 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
7020 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7021 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7022 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7023 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7024 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7025 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7026 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7027 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7028 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7029 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7030 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7031 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7032 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7033 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7034 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7035 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7036 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7037 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7038 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7039 T is for true, which does very little.
7040 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7041 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7042 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7043 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7044 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7045 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7046 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7048 A joint is just tea for two.
7050 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7052 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7055 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7058 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7060 Simply handed in through the window.
7061 There is certainly no blame in this.
7063 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7066 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7067 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7069 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7071 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7072 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7074 A king's castle is his home.
7076 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7077 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7078 words are superfluous.
7080 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7082 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7085 A lady with one of her ears applied
7086 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7087 Two female gossips in converse free --
7088 The subject engaging them was she.
7089 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7090 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7091 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7092 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7093 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7094 "To hear my character lied about!"
7097 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7098 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7101 A language that doesn't have everything is
7102 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7103 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7105 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7106 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7107 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7108 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7109 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7110 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7111 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7112 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7113 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7114 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7115 this here corn liquor?"
7116 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7117 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7118 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7119 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7120 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7121 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7122 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7123 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7126 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7127 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7130 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7131 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7132 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7133 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7134 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7135 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7136 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7137 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7138 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7139 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7140 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7141 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7143 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7144 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7146 A Law of Computer Programming:
7147 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7148 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7150 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7153 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7156 A lie in time saves nine.
7158 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7160 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
7162 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7164 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7166 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7168 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7169 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7171 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7174 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7175 Into space that is quite economical.
7176 But the good ones I've seen
7177 So seldom are clean,
7178 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7180 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7181 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7184 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7187 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7189 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7192 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7193 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
7195 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7196 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7197 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7198 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7199 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7201 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7202 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7203 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7204 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7205 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7206 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7207 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
7209 A little word of doubtful number,
7210 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7211 If you add an "s" to this,
7212 Great is the metamorphosis.
7213 Plural is plural now no more,
7214 And sweet what bitter was before.
7217 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7219 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7221 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7222 Buy the negatives at any price.
7224 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7226 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7229 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7230 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7233 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7236 A major, with wonderful force,
7237 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7238 All the flowers looked round,
7239 But no horse could be found;
7240 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7242 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7245 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7246 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7248 A man always remembers his first love with special
7249 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7252 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7253 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7254 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7255 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7257 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7258 on the side to make it interesting?"
7260 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7264 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7267 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7268 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7269 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7271 A deep majestic voice answered,
7272 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7273 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7274 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7275 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7276 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7277 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7279 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7283 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7284 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7286 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7289 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7290 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7291 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7293 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7294 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7295 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7296 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7298 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7299 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7300 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7301 and he heads off into the distance.
7302 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7303 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7304 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7305 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7306 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7307 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7309 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7312 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7313 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7316 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7317 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7318 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7320 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7323 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7324 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7326 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7327 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7330 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7331 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7332 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7334 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7336 A man said to the Universe:
7338 "However," replied the Universe,
7339 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7342 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7343 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7344 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7345 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7346 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7348 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7349 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7350 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7351 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7352 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7353 just want to get my saddle back!"
7355 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7356 he is able to answer.
7359 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7361 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7362 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7363 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7364 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7365 wakes up and gives me hell."
7366 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7368 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7369 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7370 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7371 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7372 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7375 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7376 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7377 why did you Di......eeee"
7378 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7379 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7380 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7381 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7382 why....eeeee did you.."
7383 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7384 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7385 "My wife's first husband."
7387 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7388 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
7390 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7393 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7394 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7396 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7397 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7399 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7401 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7403 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7404 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7406 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7408 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7410 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7412 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7413 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7414 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7415 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7416 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7418 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7420 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7422 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7423 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7425 A man's house is his castle.
7428 A man's house is his hassle.
7430 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7431 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7432 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7433 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7434 "What about you: do you see it?"
7435 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7436 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7437 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7438 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7439 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7441 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7442 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7443 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7444 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7446 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7447 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7448 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7450 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7452 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7455 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7457 A meeting is an event at which the
7458 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7460 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7461 but to protect the writer.
7464 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7465 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7466 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
7468 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7469 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7470 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7471 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7472 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7473 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7474 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7475 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7476 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7477 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7478 fall over gently onto their backs.
7479 -- Audubon Society Magazine
7481 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
7482 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7483 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
7484 helicopters passed overhead.
7485 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7486 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
7487 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7488 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7489 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7491 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7492 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
7495 A mighty creature is the germ,
7496 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7497 His customary dwelling place
7498 Is deep within the human race.
7499 His childish pride he often pleases
7500 By giving people strange diseases.
7501 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7502 You probably contain a germ.
7505 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7507 A modem is a baudy house.
7509 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7510 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7513 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7514 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7515 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7516 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7517 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7518 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7519 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7520 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7521 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7522 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7523 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7524 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7527 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7528 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7531 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7533 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7535 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7537 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7539 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7540 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7543 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7544 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7546 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7549 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7551 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7552 will be to us a national blessing.
7553 -- Alexander Hamilton
7555 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7556 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7557 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7558 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7560 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7561 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7562 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7563 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7564 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7565 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7566 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7569 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7570 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7571 It is an ice cream koan.
7573 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7574 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7575 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7577 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7578 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7579 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7580 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7581 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7582 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7583 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7584 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7586 A New Way of Taking Pills
7587 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7588 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7589 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7590 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7591 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7593 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7594 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7596 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7597 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7598 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7599 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7600 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7601 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7602 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7603 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7604 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7605 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7606 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7607 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7608 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7612 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7613 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7614 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7615 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7616 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7617 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7618 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7619 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7620 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7623 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7624 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7626 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7629 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7630 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7633 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7635 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7637 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7638 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7641 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7643 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7644 enlightenment, several years later.
7649 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7650 With thought and sarcasm.
7652 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7654 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7655 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7657 A Parable of Modern Research:
7659 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7660 brightly lit corner.
7661 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7662 "I can only see here."
7664 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7665 -- William S. Burroughs
7667 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7670 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7672 A penny saved has not been spent.
7674 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7676 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7678 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7680 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7681 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7682 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7683 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7684 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7687 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7688 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7689 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7690 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7693 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7695 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7697 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7698 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7700 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7701 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7704 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7707 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
7710 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7711 gets out and goes into the office.
7712 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7713 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7714 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7716 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7717 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7719 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7720 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7722 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7723 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7724 "we're building a house".
7726 A pig is a jolly companion,
7727 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7728 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7729 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7730 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7731 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7732 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7733 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7734 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7735 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7737 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7738 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7740 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7741 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7743 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7744 referring to memory management system services.]
7746 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7749 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7750 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7753 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7755 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7757 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7758 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7759 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7760 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7761 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7762 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7764 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7765 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7766 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7767 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7768 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7770 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7772 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7773 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7776 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7779 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7781 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7782 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
7784 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7785 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7786 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7789 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7792 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7793 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7794 of yours to press against my heart.
7795 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
7797 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7799 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7800 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7802 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7806 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7808 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7810 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7811 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7812 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7814 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7816 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7818 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7820 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7822 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7825 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7826 asks you not to kill him.
7827 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7829 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7830 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7832 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7834 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7835 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7836 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7837 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7838 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7839 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7840 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7841 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7842 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7844 A programming language is low level
7845 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7847 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7848 drink with -- even if he drank.
7851 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7852 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7853 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7854 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7855 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7856 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7857 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7858 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7859 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7860 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7862 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7863 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7866 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7867 your wife asks you for nothing.
7870 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7871 your wife will give you for free.
7873 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7874 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7875 was intended for her preservation.
7878 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7879 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7880 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7881 to make a travesty of the game.
7884 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7885 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7886 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7888 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7889 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7890 might be made an Archbishop."
7891 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7892 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7893 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7894 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7895 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7896 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7897 up from being the Pope?"
7898 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7899 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7901 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7902 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7905 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7906 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7909 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7911 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7912 his neighbor notice it.
7915 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7916 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7917 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7918 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7919 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
7920 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
7921 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
7922 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
7923 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
7924 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
7926 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
7927 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
7929 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
7930 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
7932 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
7933 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
7935 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
7936 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
7937 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
7938 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
7940 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
7941 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
7942 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
7945 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
7946 people what to do with their money.
7947 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
7949 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
7952 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
7953 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
7956 A robin redbreast in a cage
7957 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
7960 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
7961 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
7962 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
7964 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
7966 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
7968 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
7971 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
7972 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
7973 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
7974 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
7977 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
7978 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
7979 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
7980 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
7981 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
7982 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
7983 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
7984 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
7985 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
7986 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
7987 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
7988 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
7989 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
7990 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
7991 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
7993 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
7994 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
7995 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
7996 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
7997 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
7998 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
7999 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8000 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8001 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8003 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8004 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8005 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8007 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8009 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8010 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8011 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8013 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8014 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8015 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8018 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8020 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8021 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8022 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8023 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8024 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8025 the vocation must fit the individual.
8026 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8028 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8030 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8031 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8032 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8035 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8036 the vexation of thinking.
8037 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
8039 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8040 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8041 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8042 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8044 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8045 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8047 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8049 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8050 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8054 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8057 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8058 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8059 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8060 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8061 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8062 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8063 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8064 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8065 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8066 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8067 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8068 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8069 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8071 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8072 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8073 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8074 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8075 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8076 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8077 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8078 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8079 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8080 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8081 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8082 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8083 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8085 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8088 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8091 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8092 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8093 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8096 I knew the language of the floweret;
8097 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8098 Love long has taken for his amulet
8101 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8102 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8103 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8105 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8107 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8110 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8112 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8114 A snake lurks in the grass.
8115 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8117 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8118 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8119 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8121 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8122 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8123 which is on its way out.
8126 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8129 A soft drink turneth away company.
8131 A song in time is worth a dime.
8133 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8134 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8135 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8136 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8137 "How are you?" they ask.
8138 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8139 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8140 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8141 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8142 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8144 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8145 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8146 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8147 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8149 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8150 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8151 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8152 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8154 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8156 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8158 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8161 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8162 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8163 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8164 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8166 A stitch in time saves nine.
8168 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8171 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8175 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8176 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8177 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8178 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8179 the student with a stick.
8181 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8183 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8185 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8186 undreamed of by its author.
8189 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8193 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8194 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8195 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8196 new versions of their own innards!
8199 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8200 -- by Charles Dickens
8202 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8204 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8207 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8209 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8210 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8212 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8215 -- by William Shakespeare
8217 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8218 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8220 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8221 -- by Charles Dickens
8223 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8224 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8227 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8228 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
8230 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8231 feels guilty and apologizes.
8233 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8236 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8238 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8240 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8242 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8243 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8245 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8246 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8248 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8249 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8252 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8253 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
8255 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8258 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8259 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8260 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8262 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8263 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8265 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8266 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8267 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8268 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8269 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8270 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8271 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8272 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8273 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8274 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8275 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8276 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8278 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8280 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8281 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8283 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8286 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8287 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8290 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8291 -- Benjamin Franklin
8293 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8295 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8297 A truth that's told with bad intent
8298 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8301 A university is what a college becomes
8302 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8305 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8306 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8308 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8309 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8310 She found a good way
8311 To combine work and play:
8312 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8314 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8315 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8316 -- Tennessee Williams
8318 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8321 A very intelligent turtle
8322 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8323 The system, you see,
8324 Ran as slow as did he,
8325 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8327 A violent man will die a violent death.
8330 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8332 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8334 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8336 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8339 A watched clock never boils.
8341 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8342 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8344 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8346 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8347 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8348 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8349 Software rots if not used.
8351 These are great mysteries.
8352 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8354 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8357 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8358 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8360 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8361 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8363 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8366 A witty saying proves nothing.
8369 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8372 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8373 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8374 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8375 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8376 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8377 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8378 near your person at all times.
8379 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8381 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8382 were quite a struggle.
8385 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8387 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8388 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8389 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8391 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8394 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8395 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8398 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8399 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8402 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8403 thankful for a good one.
8404 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8406 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8410 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8411 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8412 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
8414 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8418 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8419 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8420 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8421 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8423 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8426 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8427 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8428 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8429 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8430 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8431 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8432 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8433 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8435 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8436 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8437 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8439 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8440 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8442 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8444 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8447 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8448 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8450 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8451 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8453 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8455 A word to the wise is enough.
8456 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8458 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8459 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8460 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8461 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8462 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8463 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8464 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8466 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8467 what he writes fiction.
8470 A yawn is a silent shout.
8473 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8475 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8476 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8477 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8479 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8480 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8481 have that!" she gushed.
8482 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8483 window and grabbing the ring.
8484 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8485 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8486 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8488 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8489 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8490 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8492 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8493 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8494 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8495 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8496 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8497 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8498 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8499 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8500 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8501 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8502 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8503 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8504 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8505 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8506 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8507 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8508 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8509 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8510 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8511 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8514 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8516 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8517 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8518 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8519 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8520 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8521 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8523 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8524 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8526 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8528 Abbott's Admonitions:
8529 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8530 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8532 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8534 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8535 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8537 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8538 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8539 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8540 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8541 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8542 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8543 And to the presence in the room he said,
8544 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8545 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8546 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8547 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8548 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8549 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8550 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8551 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8552 It came again with a great wakening light,
8553 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8554 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8555 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8557 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8559 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8561 About the only thing we have left that actually
8562 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8564 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8567 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8568 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8569 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8571 Above all else - sky.
8573 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8575 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8578 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8579 and miss the return train.
8581 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8582 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8585 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8586 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8589 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8590 it enkindles the great.
8592 Absence makes the heart forget.
8594 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8596 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8599 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8601 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8604 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8608 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8609 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8610 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8612 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8616 A weak person who yields to the
8617 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8618 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8621 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8622 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8623 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8624 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8625 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8626 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8627 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8628 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8629 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8630 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8631 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8632 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8635 A statement or belief manifestly
8636 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8637 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8639 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8640 because the stakes are so low.
8643 Academicians care, that's who.
8646 A modern school where football is taught.
8648 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8650 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8652 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8655 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8657 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8658 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8660 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8663 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8664 but absence of body is better.
8665 -- Foolish Dictionary
8668 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8669 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8670 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8671 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8672 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8674 Accidents cause History.
8676 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8677 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8678 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8679 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8680 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8681 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8683 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8684 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8685 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8686 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8687 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8688 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8689 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8690 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8691 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8692 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8693 sheepish grin" comes from.
8695 According to all the latest reports,
8696 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8698 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8699 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8700 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8701 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8704 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8705 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8707 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8709 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8710 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8712 According to the latest official figures,
8713 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8715 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8718 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8719 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8720 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8721 beat up their city anytime.
8725 A bagpipe with pleats.
8728 The vice of being right.
8730 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8732 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8735 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8736 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8737 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8738 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8740 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8742 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8743 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8744 well, I think of my sex life.
8749 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8750 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8751 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8752 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8753 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8754 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8755 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
8756 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8757 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8759 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8760 everyone glued in their seats!"
8761 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8764 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8765 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8766 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8767 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8769 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8771 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8772 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8773 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8775 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8777 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8778 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8780 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8781 only have one floor to go to.
8783 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8784 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8785 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8786 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8787 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8790 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8793 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8794 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8796 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8798 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8799 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8802 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8803 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8805 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8806 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
8808 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8809 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8810 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8811 -- George Washington (1732-1799)
8813 Adding sound to movies would be like
8814 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8815 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
8817 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8818 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8820 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8822 Adler's Distinction:
8823 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8824 and from the bureaucrats.
8827 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8828 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8831 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8833 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8838 To venerate expectantly.
8839 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8842 One old enough to know better.
8846 Advancement in position.
8848 Advertisements contain the only
8849 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8852 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8853 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8856 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8859 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8860 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8863 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8864 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8867 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8869 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8871 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8872 then at least be aseptic.
8874 African violet: Such worth is rare
8875 Apple blossom: Preference
8876 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8877 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8878 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
8879 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8880 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8881 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8885 Forget-me-not: True love
8887 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8888 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8889 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8890 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8891 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8892 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8893 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8894 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8895 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8896 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8898 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8899 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8900 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8901 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8902 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8903 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8904 especially that which is prohibited.
8905 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8906 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8908 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8909 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8910 more advanced than the lichen family.
8911 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8913 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8915 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8916 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8917 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8918 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8919 And presents aren't promises
8920 And you begin to accept your defeats
8921 With your head up and your eyes open,
8922 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8923 And you learn to build all your roads
8924 On today because tomorrow's ground
8925 Is too uncertain. And futures have
8926 A way of falling down in midflight,
8927 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
8928 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
8929 For someone to bring you flowers.
8930 And you learn that you really can endure...
8931 That you really are strong,
8932 And you really do have worth
8933 And you learn and learn
8934 With every goodbye you learn.
8935 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
8937 After all, all he did was string together
8938 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
8939 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
8941 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8943 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
8946 After all my erstwhile dear,
8947 My no longer cherished,
8948 Need we say it was not love,
8949 Just because it perished?
8950 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8952 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
8953 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
8954 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
8957 After an instrument has been assembled,
8958 extra components will be found on the bench.
8960 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
8961 month than you did before.
8963 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
8964 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
8965 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
8966 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
8967 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
8968 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
8969 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
8970 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
8971 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
8972 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
8973 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
8974 that it sinks like a stone.
8975 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8977 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
8978 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
8979 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
8980 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
8981 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
8982 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
8983 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
8984 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
8985 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
8986 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
8987 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
8988 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
8989 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
8991 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
8992 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
8993 cost to others, to win advancement.
8996 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
8998 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
8999 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9001 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9002 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9003 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9004 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9005 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9006 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9007 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9008 one foot in his mouth.)
9009 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9011 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9014 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9015 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9016 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9017 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9018 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9020 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9021 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9023 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9024 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9025 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9026 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9027 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9028 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9029 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9030 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9031 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9032 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9033 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9034 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9035 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9036 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9038 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9039 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9040 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9042 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9043 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9044 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9045 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9046 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9048 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9049 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9050 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9051 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9052 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9053 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9054 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9056 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9057 straight to the point.
9058 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9060 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9061 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9063 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9066 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9069 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9071 Against Idleness and Mischief
9073 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9074 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9075 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9076 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9078 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9079 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9080 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9081 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9082 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
9084 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9085 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9087 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9089 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9092 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9093 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9096 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9097 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9098 enterprise to commit.
9099 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9102 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9104 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9106 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9107 Or what's a heaven for ?
9108 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9110 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9113 For all dreams are not equal,
9114 some exit to nightmare
9115 most end with the dreamer
9117 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9119 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9120 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9121 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9122 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9125 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9127 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9129 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9131 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9132 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9133 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9134 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9135 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9136 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9138 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9140 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9141 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9143 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9146 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9147 -- The Mad Dogtender
9149 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9150 bring me a message from a young man.
9153 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9155 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9158 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9159 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9161 Air is water with holes in it.
9164 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9165 the fattening of the poor.
9166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9168 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9170 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9171 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9172 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9174 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9175 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9177 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9178 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9179 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9180 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9182 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9183 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9185 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9186 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9191 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9192 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9193 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9194 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9197 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9198 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9199 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9200 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9201 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9204 Social innovations tend to the level
9205 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9207 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9208 The surest poison is time.
9209 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9211 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9212 -- George Bernard Shaw
9215 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9217 (2) Always be backlit.
9218 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9220 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9221 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9222 You take one down, and pass it around,
9223 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9225 Alex Haley was adopted!
9227 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9228 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9230 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9231 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9232 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9234 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9235 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9237 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9238 important programming language yet developed.
9242 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9244 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9246 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9247 them keeps paying for it.
9250 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9253 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9256 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9258 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9260 Alive without breath,
9262 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9263 All in mail ever clinking.
9265 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9267 All art is but imitation of nature.
9268 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9270 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9271 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9272 Catiline", by Sallust
9274 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9278 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9279 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
9281 All constants are variables.
9283 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9286 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9288 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9293 Smoke a friend today.
9295 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9298 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9300 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9302 All Gods were immortal.
9303 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9305 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9308 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9310 All heiresses are beautiful.
9313 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9314 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9317 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9320 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9322 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9325 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9326 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9329 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9330 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9331 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9334 All I need to have a good time,
9335 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9336 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9337 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9339 All I want is to never grow old,
9340 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9341 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9342 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9344 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9345 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9346 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9347 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9348 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9350 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9351 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9353 All intelligent species own cats.
9355 All is fear in love and war.
9357 All is well that ends well.
9360 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9361 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9362 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9363 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9364 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9365 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9367 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9370 All laws are simulations of reality.
9373 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9376 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9380 All men have the right to wait in line.
9382 All men know the utility of useful things;
9383 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9386 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9387 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9388 To believe none so is something worse.
9389 -- John Quincy Adams
9391 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9392 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9395 All most people ask of life is a constant
9396 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9398 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9400 All my friends and I are crazy.
9401 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9403 All my friends are getting married,
9404 Yes, they're all growing old,
9405 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9406 They're all doing what they're told.
9408 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9412 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9414 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9415 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9417 All of the animals except man know that
9418 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9420 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9421 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9422 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9423 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9426 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9427 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
9429 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9430 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9431 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9432 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9433 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9435 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9439 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9440 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9441 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9443 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9445 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9448 All phone calls are obscene.
9449 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9451 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9454 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9456 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9457 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9458 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9459 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9460 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9461 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9463 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
9465 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9467 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9468 to live beyond its income.
9469 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9471 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9472 -- Ernest Rutherford
9474 All seems condemned in the long run
9475 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9478 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9481 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9483 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9485 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9487 All that is gold does not glitter,
9488 Not all those who wander are lost;
9489 The old that is strong does not wither,
9490 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9491 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9492 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9493 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9494 The crownless again shall be king.
9497 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9498 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9499 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9500 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9501 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9502 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9504 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9506 All the evidence concerning the universe
9507 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9509 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9510 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9511 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9512 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9514 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9515 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9516 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9517 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9519 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9520 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9521 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9522 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9524 I've read all the greats
9525 Both starving and fat,
9526 But none was as great as
9527 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9528 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9530 All the men on my staff can type.
9533 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9536 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9540 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9543 All the simple programs have been written.
9545 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9546 the government in less than a second.
9549 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9551 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9554 All the world's a VAX,
9555 And all the coders merely butchers;
9556 They have their exits and their entrails;
9557 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9558 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9559 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9560 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9561 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9562 Unwillingly to school.
9563 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9565 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9566 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9567 -- Richard P. Feynman
9569 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9571 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9573 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9574 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9576 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9577 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9580 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9582 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9583 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9585 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9586 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9590 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9591 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9592 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9594 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9596 All who joy would win Must share it --
9597 Happiness was born a twin.
9600 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9602 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9603 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9604 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9605 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9609 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9612 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9613 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9614 cannot separately plunder a third.
9615 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9617 All's well that ends.
9619 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9620 about today's software design would be accurate.
9625 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9627 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9628 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9630 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9631 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9632 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9633 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9634 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9635 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9637 caaa, n: An automobile.
9638 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9639 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9640 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9641 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9643 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9645 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9646 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9649 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9650 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9651 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9652 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9653 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9654 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9655 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9656 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9658 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9660 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9661 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9662 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9663 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9664 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9665 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9666 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9667 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9668 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9669 running the post office.
9670 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9672 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9673 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9674 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9675 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9676 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9677 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9678 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9679 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9680 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
9682 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
9684 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9686 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9689 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9691 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9693 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9696 Always store beer in a dark place.
9698 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9699 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9701 Always there remain portions of our heart
9702 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9704 Always think of something new; this
9705 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9708 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9711 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9714 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9715 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9718 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9719 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9722 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9723 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9726 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9728 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9732 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9733 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9734 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9736 America: born free and taxed to death.
9738 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9741 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9744 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9745 and the scum rises to the top.
9748 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9749 -- President John F. Kennedy
9751 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9752 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9753 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9754 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9755 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9757 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9758 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9759 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9760 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9761 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9762 by the majority they were at the time.
9763 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9765 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9766 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9768 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9769 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9772 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9773 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9775 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9777 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9779 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9780 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9781 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9782 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9783 pictures on the doors.
9784 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9786 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9788 American cars are made shoddily...
9789 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9792 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9793 we allow them short of hanging.
9796 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9797 tail it knocks over a chair.
9800 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9801 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9804 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9806 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9807 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9808 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9810 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9812 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9815 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9816 and divide at the same time.
9818 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9819 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
9821 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9823 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9824 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9826 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9829 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9830 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
9832 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9834 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9835 people refuse to see it.
9836 -- James Michener, "Space"
9838 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9839 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9840 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9841 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9843 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9846 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9849 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9850 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9851 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
9853 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9854 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9855 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9856 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9859 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9862 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9863 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9864 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9865 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9866 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9867 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9868 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9870 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9871 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9872 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9874 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9875 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9877 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9879 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9880 transportation everywhere."
9881 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9882 R: "We take the train."
9883 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9884 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9885 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9888 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9889 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9891 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9892 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9893 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9896 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9897 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9900 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9902 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9904 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9906 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9908 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9910 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9912 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9915 An attachment a la Plato
9916 for a bashful young potato
9917 or a, not too French, french bean
9918 must excite your languid spleen.
9919 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9920 with a poppy or lily
9921 in your medieval hand,
9923 as you walk your flowery way;
9924 "If this young man is content,
9925 with a vegetable love
9926 which would certainly not content me.
9927 Why, what a very pure young man
9928 this pure young man must be!"
9929 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
9930 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
9932 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
9933 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
9934 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
9935 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
9936 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
9937 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
9939 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
9940 really care to know.
9942 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
9944 An economist is a man who would marry
9945 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
9947 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
9948 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9950 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
9952 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
9953 itself equally in small as in great matters.
9954 -- Winston Churchill
9956 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
9957 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
9960 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
9961 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
9962 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
9963 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
9964 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
9965 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
9966 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
9967 I've already paid them half of it."
9968 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
9969 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
9971 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
9973 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
9974 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
9975 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
9976 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
9977 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
9978 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
9979 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
9980 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
9981 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
9982 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
9984 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
9986 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
9987 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
9988 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
9989 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
9991 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
9994 An evil mind is a great comfort.
9996 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
9997 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
9998 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
9999 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10000 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10003 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10004 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10005 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10006 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10007 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10008 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10009 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10010 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10011 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10012 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10013 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10014 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10016 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10018 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10022 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10026 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10027 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10028 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10030 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10031 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10033 An eye in a blue face
10034 Saw an eye in a green face.
10035 "That eye is like this eye"
10036 Said the first eye,
10038 Not in high place."
10040 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10041 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10042 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10043 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10044 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10045 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10046 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10047 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10048 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10049 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10050 He let go by the things of yesterday
10051 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10052 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10053 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10054 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10055 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10056 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10057 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10058 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10059 Was he to study till his head wend round
10060 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10061 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10062 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10063 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10065 [well, almost. Ed.]
10067 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10070 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10071 bought they stay bought.
10074 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10075 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10077 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10078 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10080 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10082 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10084 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10087 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10089 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10090 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10093 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10096 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10097 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10098 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10099 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10100 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10101 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10103 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10104 -- Benjamin Franklin
10106 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10107 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10108 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10109 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10110 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10111 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10112 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10113 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10114 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10115 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10116 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10117 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10118 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10119 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10122 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10125 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10126 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10128 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10130 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10133 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10136 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10138 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10141 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10142 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10143 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10144 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10145 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10146 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10147 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10149 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10150 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10151 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10152 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10153 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10154 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10156 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10157 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10158 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10159 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10160 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10161 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10162 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10164 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10165 Let our chant fill the void
10166 That others may know
10168 In the land of the night
10169 The ship of the sun
10172 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10174 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10175 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10176 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10177 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10178 And did the Countenance Divine
10179 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10180 And was Jerusalem builded here
10181 Among these dark satanic mills?
10183 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10184 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10185 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10186 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10187 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10188 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10189 Till we have built Jerusalem
10190 In England's green and pleasant land.
10191 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10193 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10195 And ever has it been known that
10196 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10199 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10200 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10201 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10202 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10203 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10204 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10205 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10206 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10207 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10208 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10209 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10210 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10211 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10212 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10213 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10214 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10215 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10217 And here I wait so patiently
10218 Waiting to find out what price
10219 You have to pay to get out of
10220 Going thru all of these things twice
10221 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10223 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10225 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10226 As they strolled out of sight,
10227 "Merry Christmas to all --
10228 You take credit cards, right?"
10229 -- "Outsiders" comic
10231 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10232 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10233 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10234 them, aren't braced against them.
10235 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10237 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10238 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10239 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10240 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10242 And if California slides into the ocean,
10243 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10244 I predict this motel will be standing,
10245 Until I've paid my bill.
10246 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10248 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10249 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10253 As I am heading for the sink.
10254 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10255 Along with half of my last drink.
10257 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10258 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10261 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10262 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10265 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10268 And miles to go before I sleep.
10270 And now for something completely the same.
10272 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10273 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10274 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10275 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10277 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10278 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10279 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10280 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10282 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10283 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10284 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10285 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10287 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10288 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10289 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10290 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10293 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10295 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10297 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10299 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10302 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10303 Mama'd come to school
10304 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10305 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10306 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10307 but you know yourself
10308 it's always somewhere else
10309 I'd build me a castle
10310 with dragons and kings
10311 and I'd ride off with them
10312 As I stood by my window
10313 and looked out on those
10315 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10317 And so it was, later,
10318 As the miller told his tale,
10319 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10320 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10323 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10324 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10325 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10326 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10327 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10328 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10329 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10330 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10331 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10333 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10335 And that's the way it is...
10338 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10339 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10340 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10341 clothes! He is naked!"
10342 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10344 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10345 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10346 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10347 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10348 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10349 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10351 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10352 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10353 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10355 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10356 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10358 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10359 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10360 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10361 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10362 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10364 And this is good old Boston,
10365 The home of the bean and the cod,
10366 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10367 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10369 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10370 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10372 And we heard him exclaim
10373 As he started to roam:
10374 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10375 please don't try this at home!'"
10378 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10379 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10380 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10381 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10382 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10383 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10384 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10385 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10386 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10387 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10388 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10389 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10390 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10391 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10393 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10394 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10395 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10396 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10397 -- The Grateful Dead
10399 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10400 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10401 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10402 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10403 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10404 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10407 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10408 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10409 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10410 face, we have politics.
10411 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10412 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10414 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10415 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10417 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10418 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10419 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10421 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10423 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10424 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10425 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10427 Andrea's Admonition:
10428 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10429 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10430 it isn't and he can.
10435 Angels we have heard on High
10436 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10439 Anger is momentary madness.
10442 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10444 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10445 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10448 Ankh if you love Isis.
10450 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10452 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10454 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10455 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10456 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10457 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10458 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10461 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10463 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10465 Another day, another dollar.
10466 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10467 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10470 Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
10471 and nobody wants to do maintenance.
10472 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
10474 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10476 Another megabytes the dust.
10478 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10479 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10480 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10481 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10482 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10484 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10487 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10490 Anthony's Law of Force:
10491 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10493 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10494 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10495 corner of the workshop.
10498 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10501 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10502 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10504 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10507 Was tired of living alonio
10508 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10509 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
10510 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10512 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10514 Said if you will be my ownio
10515 I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
10516 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10517 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10519 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10521 Uttered a dismal moanio
10522 And went off and hid
10523 Or I'm told that he did
10524 In the Antarctical Zonio.
10527 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10529 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10530 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10531 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10532 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10533 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10534 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10535 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10536 cars across Europe.
10538 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10539 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10541 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10544 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10545 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10546 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10547 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10548 Is there a better way to die?
10549 -- Charles Lindbergh
10551 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10552 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10553 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10554 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10555 -- Richard Schickel
10557 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10560 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10561 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10563 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10564 wise person to be able to sell it.
10566 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10570 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10574 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10576 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10578 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10579 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10580 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10581 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10585 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10587 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10588 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10589 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10590 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10591 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10593 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10594 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
10596 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10597 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10598 be deemed to be a cat.
10599 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10601 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10602 -- Sydney J. Harris
10604 Any president should have the right to shoot
10605 at least two people a year without explanation.
10606 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10608 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10611 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10615 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10617 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10619 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10620 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10621 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10622 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10624 Any small object that is accidentally
10625 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10627 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10628 exactly the point of most pressure.
10631 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10634 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10636 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10637 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10639 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10640 given proper legal counsel.
10641 -- Alfred Perlstein
10643 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10646 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10647 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10649 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10651 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10652 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10655 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10656 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10659 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10660 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10662 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10664 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10665 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10666 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10669 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10670 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10673 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10676 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10679 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10680 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10681 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10682 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10683 thought on every occasion.
10684 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10686 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10688 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10689 extremely humble opinion.
10692 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10693 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10694 make messes in the house.
10695 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10697 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10698 -- Robert A. Heinlein
10700 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10701 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10703 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10706 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10707 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10708 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10709 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10710 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10712 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10713 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10716 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10717 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10718 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10720 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10721 account be allowed to do the job.
10722 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10724 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10725 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10726 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10727 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10729 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10732 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10733 tried taking candy from a baby.
10736 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10739 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10741 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10743 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10745 Anything is possible on paper.
10748 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10750 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10751 The label means the price went up.
10752 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10753 means the price went way up.
10755 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10757 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10758 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10759 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10761 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10763 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10764 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10765 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10766 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10767 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10768 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10769 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10770 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10771 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10773 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10774 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10776 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10779 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10780 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10783 A concise, clever statement.
10785 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10786 -- James Alexander Thom
10788 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10790 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10791 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10793 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10795 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10796 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10799 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10800 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10803 Appearances often are deceiving.
10807 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10810 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10811 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10813 April is the cruelest month...
10814 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10816 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10817 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10818 faucet on and off with your toes.
10819 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
10821 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10822 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10823 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10824 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10825 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10827 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10828 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10829 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10830 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10831 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10833 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10834 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10835 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10836 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10837 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10838 able to lend you a few bucks.
10840 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10841 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10842 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10843 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10844 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10845 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10848 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10849 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10850 general can be said."
10852 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10853 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10857 Are we running light with overbyte?
10860 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10861 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10862 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10865 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10866 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10868 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10869 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10870 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10871 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10872 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10873 Don't you know any better?
10874 How could you be so stupid?
10875 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10876 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10877 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10879 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10880 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10882 Do as I say, not as I do.
10883 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10884 What did you do *this* time?
10885 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10886 When I was your age...
10887 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10888 Think of all the starving children in India.
10889 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10890 I'm going to kill you.
10892 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10894 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10895 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10897 Go away. You bother me.
10898 Why? Because life is unfair.
10899 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10900 Children should be seen and not heard.
10901 You'll be the death of me.
10902 You'll understand when you're older.
10904 Wipe that smile off your face.
10905 I don't believe you.
10906 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10909 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10910 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10912 Good children always obey.
10913 Quit acting so childish.
10915 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10916 Why do you have to know so much?
10917 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10918 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10919 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10921 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10923 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10924 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10926 When are you going to grow up?
10927 I'm only doing this for your own good.
10928 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
10930 What's wrong with you?
10931 Someday you'll thank me for this.
10932 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
10933 Don't you have any sense at all?
10934 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
10935 Why? Because I said so.
10936 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
10938 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10939 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10941 You wouldn't understand.
10942 You ask too many questions.
10943 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
10944 That's for me to know and you to find out.
10945 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
10947 You're acting too big for your britches.
10948 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
10949 Wait till your father gets home.
10950 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
10951 Shape up or ship out.
10955 Are you making all this up as you go along?
10957 Are you sure the back door is locked?
10959 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
10960 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
10962 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
10963 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
10966 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
10967 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
10969 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
10970 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
10971 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
10974 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
10975 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
10976 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
10977 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
10980 An obscure art no longer practiced in
10981 the world's developed countries.
10983 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
10987 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
10989 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
10990 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
10995 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
10997 Armstrong's Collection Law:
10998 If the check is truly in the mail,
10999 it is surely made out to someone else.
11001 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11002 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11003 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11004 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11007 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11008 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11009 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11010 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11012 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11013 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11014 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11015 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11017 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11018 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11020 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11021 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11022 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11023 piece would be better known as:
11024 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11026 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11027 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11028 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11030 Art is a jealous mistress.
11031 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11033 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11036 Art is anything you can get away with.
11037 -- Marshall McLuhan
11039 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11042 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11045 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11046 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11048 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11050 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11051 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11052 remind them of someone else.
11053 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11054 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11055 of yourself in person.
11058 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11059 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11060 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11061 Article the Fourth:
11062 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11063 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11064 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11066 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11067 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11068 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11069 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11070 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11072 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11073 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11076 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11078 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11080 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11081 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11082 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11083 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11084 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11086 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11087 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11088 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11091 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11092 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11093 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11095 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11096 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11097 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11098 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11100 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11101 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11102 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11103 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11105 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11106 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11108 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11109 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11110 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11113 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11114 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11117 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11120 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11121 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11123 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11124 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11125 -- Frederic Reynolds
11127 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11128 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11131 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11133 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11136 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11137 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11138 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11139 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11140 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11141 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11142 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11143 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11144 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11147 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11148 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11151 As I thought, no better from this side.
11154 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11155 Feeling worse and worser,
11156 There I met a C.R.T.
11157 And it drop't me a cursor.
11160 Phosphors light on you!
11161 If I had fifty hours a day
11162 I'd spend them all at you.
11163 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11165 As I was passing Project MAC,
11166 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11167 Every hack had seven bugs;
11168 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11169 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11170 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11171 How many losses at Project MAC?
11173 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11174 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11175 The words were torn and tattered,
11176 From the storm the night before,
11177 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11179 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11180 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11181 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11182 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11184 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11185 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11186 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11187 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11189 As in certain cults it is possible to
11190 kill a process if you know its true name.
11191 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11193 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11194 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11195 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11196 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11197 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11198 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11199 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11200 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11201 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11202 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11203 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11204 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11205 on the austerity of the word.
11206 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11208 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11209 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11210 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11211 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11213 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
11215 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11217 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11218 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11219 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11221 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11222 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11223 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11225 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11226 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11227 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11229 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11231 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11232 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11233 3. Some people never look at me.
11234 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11235 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11236 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11237 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11238 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11239 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11240 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11241 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11242 12. I cannot read or write.
11243 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11244 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11245 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11246 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11247 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11248 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11249 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11250 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11252 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11253 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11254 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11256 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11258 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11259 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11261 4. I like mannish children.
11262 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11263 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11264 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11265 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11266 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11267 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11268 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11270 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11271 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11272 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11273 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11274 16. My eyes are always cold.
11275 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11276 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11277 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11278 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11280 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11281 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11282 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11283 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11284 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11285 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11286 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11287 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11288 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11290 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11291 Please update your programs.
11293 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11294 Please update your programs.
11296 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11298 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11299 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11301 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11303 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11304 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11305 Keywords: C sources
11308 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11309 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11310 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11311 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11313 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11314 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11315 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11318 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11319 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11320 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11321 conversion to a new computer system.
11323 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11324 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11325 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11326 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11327 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11329 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11330 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11331 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11332 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11334 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11336 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11337 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11340 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11341 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11342 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11343 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11344 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11345 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11346 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
11348 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11349 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11350 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11352 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11353 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11354 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11355 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11357 -- Benjamin Franklin
11359 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11360 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11362 As Will Rogers would have said,
11363 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11365 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11366 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11367 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11368 proper time for chocolate.
11369 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11371 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11372 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11375 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11376 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11377 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11378 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11379 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11380 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11381 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11382 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11383 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11384 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11385 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11386 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11387 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11390 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11391 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11392 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11393 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11394 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11395 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11396 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11397 spider is suing you for damages.
11399 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11400 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11402 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11404 Ascend to the high mountain pass,
11405 Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
11406 Do not give up to the great distance:
11407 It's by going that you will reach your aim.
11408 Be not discouraged by human frailty:
11409 You will overcome it if you try to.
11410 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
11413 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11414 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11415 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11419 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11421 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11423 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11424 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11426 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11427 one went to Harvard).
11428 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11430 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11431 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11434 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11436 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
11437 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11439 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11442 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11445 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11446 -- John Stuart Mill
11448 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11449 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11450 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11451 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11452 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11453 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11454 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11455 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11456 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11457 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11458 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11459 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11460 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11461 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11462 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11463 -- Garrison Keillor
11465 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11466 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11467 -- Christopher Hampton
11470 The masculine of "lass".
11472 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11473 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11476 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11477 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11478 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11479 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11482 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11484 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11485 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11487 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11488 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11489 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11490 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11491 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11492 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11493 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11494 a computer problem?"
11495 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11496 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11497 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11498 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11499 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11500 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11501 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11503 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11505 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11506 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11507 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11508 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11510 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11511 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11512 ignorance upon the shore.
11515 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11516 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11517 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11518 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11520 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11521 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11522 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11523 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11524 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11525 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11526 function as a normal person.
11528 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11529 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11534 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11535 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11536 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11538 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11540 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11541 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11542 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11544 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11545 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11548 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11551 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11553 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11554 thumb with a hammer.
11555 -- Marshall Lumsden
11557 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11558 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11559 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11560 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11561 after fact and reason.
11564 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11565 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11568 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11569 and no further activities are scheduled.
11571 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11572 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11573 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11574 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11576 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11577 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11578 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11579 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11580 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11581 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11582 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11584 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11586 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11587 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11588 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11589 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11590 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11591 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11592 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11593 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11595 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11596 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11597 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11598 guess who's going to die soon!"
11600 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11601 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11603 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11604 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11606 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11607 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11610 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11611 number of pens that person is carrying.
11613 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11616 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11618 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11621 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11622 -- Winston Churchill
11624 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11625 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11628 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11629 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11630 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11631 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11632 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11633 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11636 A gyp off the old block.
11638 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11642 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11644 Auribus teneo lupum.
11645 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11648 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11650 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11651 depths they were once able to plumb.
11654 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11655 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11658 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11663 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11665 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11666 They're a dime a dozen.
11668 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11670 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11671 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11673 Avoid reality at all costs.
11675 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11676 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11677 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11679 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11681 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11682 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11683 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11684 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11686 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11687 bad fiction contest.
11690 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11691 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11692 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11695 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11698 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11700 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11701 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11702 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11703 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11704 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11705 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11706 Business before pleasure."
11708 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11709 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11710 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11711 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11712 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11713 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11714 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11715 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11716 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11717 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11718 never really caught on.
11720 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11721 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11723 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11724 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11726 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11728 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11730 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11731 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11735 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11736 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11737 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11738 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11739 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11742 Bagdikian's Observation:
11743 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11744 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11746 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11747 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11749 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11750 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11751 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11756 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11760 Fear of being buried alive.
11769 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11771 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11773 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11774 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11775 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11778 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11779 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11781 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11784 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11786 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11787 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11788 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11789 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11790 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11792 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11793 floor -- especially in the dark.
11796 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11799 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11800 what kind of weather we are having.
11801 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11803 Barth's Distinction:
11804 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11805 types, and those who don't.
11807 Baruch's Observation:
11808 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11810 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11813 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11816 Basic Definitions of Science:
11817 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11818 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11819 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11821 Basic is a high level languish.
11822 APL is a high level anguish.
11824 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11826 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11830 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11831 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11833 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11834 come in and sink my boats.
11838 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11839 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11840 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11842 Batteries not included.
11845 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11846 will not yield to the tongue.
11847 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11849 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11850 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11852 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11854 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11856 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11857 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11859 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11861 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11864 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11866 Be careful! Is it classified?
11868 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11870 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11871 situations that can't bear inspection.
11873 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11876 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11877 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11879 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11881 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11884 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11886 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11887 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11889 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11890 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11893 Be different: conform.
11895 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11896 the issue afterwards.
11898 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11899 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11901 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11904 Insult a rich relative today.
11906 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11907 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11909 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11912 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11913 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11915 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11917 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11918 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11920 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11921 and original in your work.
11924 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11926 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11929 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
11931 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
11933 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
11934 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
11938 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
11939 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
11942 In war: Where soldiers die.
11944 Beam me up, Scotty!
11946 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
11948 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
11950 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
11953 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
11955 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
11957 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
11959 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
11962 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
11963 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
11966 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
11970 Because I do not hope,
11971 Because I do not hope to survive
11972 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
11973 Because I do, only do,
11977 Because the wine remembers.
11979 Because we don't think about future generations,
11980 they will never forget us.
11984 What did you bring back for me?
11986 Been Transferred Lately?
11988 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
11990 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
11992 Bees are very busy souls
11993 They have no time for birth controls
11994 And that is why in times like these
11995 There are so many Sons of Bees.
11997 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
11998 -- Addison H. Hallock
12000 Before destruction a man's heart is
12001 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12004 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12005 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12006 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12007 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12008 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12012 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12014 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12015 they are "Let's eat out."
12017 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12018 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12020 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12022 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12024 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12025 you really want to know the answers.
12026 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12028 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12029 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12033 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12034 you won't have to watch commercials.
12036 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12037 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12039 Beggars should be no choosers.
12042 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12044 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12046 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12048 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12049 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12050 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12054 Behold the unborn foetus and
12055 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12056 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12057 An enemy civilian).
12059 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12060 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12062 Beifeld's Principle:
12063 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12064 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12065 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12066 looking and richer male friend.
12068 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12070 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12071 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12072 opposite applies with the judges.
12073 -- Beyond the Fringe
12075 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12076 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12079 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12080 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12081 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12082 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12083 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12085 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12086 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12087 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12088 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
12090 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12092 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12093 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12095 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12096 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12099 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12100 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12103 Being owned by someone used to be called
12104 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12106 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12108 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12109 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12110 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12112 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12115 Something you do not believe.
12117 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12119 -- Honore de Balzac
12121 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
12123 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12126 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12127 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12128 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12129 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12131 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12135 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12137 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12138 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12140 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12141 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12144 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12145 none of his friends like him either.
12148 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12149 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12150 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12151 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12152 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12153 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12154 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12155 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12156 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12157 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12158 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12159 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12160 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12161 "The test or the room?"
12162 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12163 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12164 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12165 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12166 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12168 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12171 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12172 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12173 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12175 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12177 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12179 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12180 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12182 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12185 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12186 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12187 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12188 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12191 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12192 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12194 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12195 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12196 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12197 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12198 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12199 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12200 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12201 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12203 Best Mistakes In Films
12204 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12205 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12207 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12208 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12209 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12210 with television aerials.
12211 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12212 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12214 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12215 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12216 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12218 Best of all is never to have been born.
12219 Second best is to die soon.
12222 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12223 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12224 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12226 Better by far you should forget and
12227 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12228 -- Christina Rossetti
12230 Better dead than mellow.
12232 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12233 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12235 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12237 Better late than never.
12238 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12240 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12245 santa claus <north pole >town
12247 cat /etc/passwd >list
12250 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12251 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12252 santa claus <north pole >town
12254 who | grep sleeping
12256 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12257 for (goodness sake) {
12261 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12262 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12263 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12265 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12267 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12268 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12270 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12272 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12275 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12276 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12277 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12278 pushing boulders into a single word.
12279 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12280 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12281 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12282 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12283 Parliament and Party.
12284 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12285 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12286 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12288 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12290 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12298 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12300 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12301 referring to system service dispatching.]
12303 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12305 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12307 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12309 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12311 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12312 a new wearer of clothes.
12313 -- Henry David Thoreau
12317 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12321 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12323 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12325 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12327 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12329 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12330 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12331 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12334 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12335 -- Leonard Brandwein
12337 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12338 drip under pressure.
12340 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12341 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12342 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12344 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12346 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12347 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12349 Beware the new TTY code!
12351 Beware the one behind you.
12354 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12356 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12357 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12358 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12359 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12361 Big book, big bore.
12364 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12365 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12368 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12370 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12373 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12375 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12376 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12378 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12379 generation to generation?
12381 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12384 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12386 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12387 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12388 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12391 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12393 Biology grows on you.
12395 Biology is the only science in which
12396 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12399 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12402 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12403 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12404 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12406 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12409 The first and direst of all disasters.
12410 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12412 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12414 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12415 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12416 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12417 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12418 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12419 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12420 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12423 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12424 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12425 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12428 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12429 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12430 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12434 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12437 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12439 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12441 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12442 are involved in when they burn stores.
12445 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12446 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12447 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12448 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12450 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12451 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12452 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12453 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12457 That's an empty wish.
12458 Just dump them together
12459 And leave them alone,
12460 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12461 -- To My Favorite Things
12463 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12464 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12465 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12466 She wants to hit those bricks,
12467 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12468 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12469 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12470 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12471 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12472 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12474 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12476 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12477 get the better even of their blunders.
12478 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
12480 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12482 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12485 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12487 -- James Russell Lowell
12489 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12490 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12492 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12495 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12498 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12499 for he shall enjoy living.
12502 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12503 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12506 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12509 BLISS is ignorance.
12512 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12513 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12514 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12516 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12518 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12520 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12521 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12524 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12527 Blow it out your ear.
12530 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12533 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12535 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12537 Boling's postulate:
12538 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12540 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12541 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12542 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12544 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12545 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12547 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12548 seemed to come from Texas.
12549 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12551 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12554 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12556 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12559 You always find something in the last place you look.
12562 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12565 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12569 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12570 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12573 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12574 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12575 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12578 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12579 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12580 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12584 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12587 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12588 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12590 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12591 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12592 straightened out for a crowbar.
12595 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12596 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12597 on the same communications line connection.
12598 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12600 Boucher's Observation:
12601 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12602 several octaves higher than originally written.
12604 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12608 Talent goes where the action is.
12611 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12615 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12616 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12617 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12618 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12619 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12620 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12621 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12623 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12624 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12626 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
12630 A noise with dirt on it.
12632 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12634 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12636 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12637 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12640 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12643 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12644 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12645 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12646 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12647 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12648 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12649 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12650 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12651 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12652 which is all the time.
12653 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12655 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12656 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12657 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12658 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12659 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12663 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12664 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12666 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12667 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12668 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12669 have handled this?"
12671 Brain fried -- core dumped
12674 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12675 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12677 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
12678 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12679 of error in an opponent.
12680 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12682 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12683 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12685 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12686 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12687 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12688 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12690 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12691 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12692 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12693 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12694 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12695 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12696 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12697 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12698 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12699 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12700 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12701 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12702 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12703 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12705 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12708 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12711 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12713 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12714 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12715 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12717 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12718 Watch lights fade from every room.
12719 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12720 another day's useless energies spent.
12722 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12723 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12724 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12725 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12727 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12728 Removes the colors from our sight.
12729 Red is grey and yellow white.
12730 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12731 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12733 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12736 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12737 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12739 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12742 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12744 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12745 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12746 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12747 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12748 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12749 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12750 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12751 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12752 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12753 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12754 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12755 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12756 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12759 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12760 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12761 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12762 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12764 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12765 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12766 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12767 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12768 -- "The Jabberwock"
12770 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12771 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12773 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12774 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12775 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12776 brusque, your character.
12779 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12780 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12783 British Israelites:
12784 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12785 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12786 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12787 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12788 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12789 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12790 and take all your teeth.
12791 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12793 Broad-mindedness, n.:
12794 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12797 People tend to congregate in the back
12798 of the church and the front of the bus.
12801 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12803 Brontosaurus Principle:
12804 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12805 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12806 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12807 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12810 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12811 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12812 expands it beyond recognition.
12815 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12818 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12819 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12820 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12822 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12823 (of one of the two other meanings).
12824 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12825 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12826 reviews just done in his spirit.
12828 BS: You remind me of a man.
12830 BS: The man with the power.
12832 BS: The power of voodoo.
12836 BS: Remind me of a man.
12838 BS: The man with the power...
12839 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12842 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12843 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12845 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12848 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12851 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12852 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12855 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12859 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12860 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12861 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12862 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12865 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12868 Building translators is good clean fun.
12871 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12873 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12874 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12875 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
12878 All the parts falling off this car are
12879 of the very finest British manufacture.
12881 Bunker's Admonition:
12882 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12885 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12886 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12887 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12889 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12890 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12891 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12892 12 months after the decision is made.
12895 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12898 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12902 A politician who has tenure.
12904 Burke's Postulates:
12905 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12906 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12908 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12909 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12911 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12912 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12913 perfectly balanced.
12914 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
12917 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12920 Bus error -- driver executed.
12922 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12924 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12926 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12927 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12928 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12930 Business will be either better or worse.
12933 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
12935 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
12938 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
12939 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
12941 But has any little atom,
12942 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
12943 Ever stopped to think or CARE
12946 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
12947 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
12948 kill more than I could eat.
12951 But I don't like Spam!!!!
12953 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
12954 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
12955 "But I'm feeling much better..."
12956 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
12957 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
12959 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
12960 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
12961 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
12962 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
12963 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
12964 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
12965 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
12966 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
12967 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
12968 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
12969 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
12970 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
12972 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
12974 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
12975 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
12976 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
12978 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
12979 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
12980 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
12982 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
12987 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
12989 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
12990 In proving foresight may be vain:
12991 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
12993 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
12995 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
12997 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
12999 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13001 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13002 to the nearest gas station.
13004 But scientists, who ought to know
13005 Assure us that it must be so.
13006 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13007 What nobody is sure about.
13010 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13012 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13013 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13016 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13017 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13018 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13019 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13021 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13022 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13023 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13024 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13025 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13026 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13027 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13028 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13029 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13030 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13031 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13033 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13034 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13035 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13036 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13037 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13038 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13040 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13042 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13043 I've been taking them for years.
13045 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13046 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13047 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13048 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13049 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13050 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13052 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13055 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13056 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13058 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13059 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13060 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13061 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13063 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13064 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13065 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13066 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13067 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13068 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13069 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13070 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13071 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13072 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13073 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13074 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13075 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13076 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13079 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13081 By doing just a little every day, you can
13082 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13084 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13086 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13087 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13088 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13091 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13092 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13095 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13096 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13097 as it is to invent.
13098 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
13099 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13100 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13101 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13102 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13104 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13105 -- Charles Spurgeon
13107 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13108 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13110 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13111 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13112 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13114 By the time you swear you're his,
13115 shivering and sighing
13116 and he vows his passion is
13117 infinite, undying --
13118 Lady, make a note of this:
13119 One of you is lying.
13120 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13122 By the yard, life is hard.
13123 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13125 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13126 Another man's, I mean.
13129 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13130 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13134 Believing Your Own Bull
13136 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13137 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13138 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13139 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13140 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13141 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13142 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13144 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13146 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13147 carefully print the chaff.
13158 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13160 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13161 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13162 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13165 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13166 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13167 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13172 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13174 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13176 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13177 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13180 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13181 is supposed to know is there.
13183 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13186 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13187 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13190 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13193 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13194 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13196 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13199 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13200 referring to logical names.]
13202 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13203 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13205 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13206 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13207 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13208 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13210 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13211 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13212 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13214 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13215 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13217 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13218 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13222 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13224 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13226 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13230 Can anyone remember when the times
13231 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13233 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13234 Yes, work never begun.
13236 "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
13237 No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
13238 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
13240 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13241 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13242 -- Robert J. Ringer
13244 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13245 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13247 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13248 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13250 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13251 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13252 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13254 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13255 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13256 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13257 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13258 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13260 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13261 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13262 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13263 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13264 when you're poor and unhappy.
13266 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13267 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13268 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13269 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13270 recipients are Cancer people.
13273 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13274 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13275 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13276 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13277 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13278 fashion without thinking.
13279 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13280 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13281 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13283 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13284 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13285 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13287 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13289 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13291 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13292 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13293 -- John Maynard Keynes
13295 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13296 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13297 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13298 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13299 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13300 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13302 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13303 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13304 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13305 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13307 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13308 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13309 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13310 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13311 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13313 Captain Penny's Law:
13314 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13315 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13317 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13319 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13320 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13321 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13324 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13325 trousers that don't match.
13327 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13328 the name Craney incorrectly.
13331 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13332 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13333 the same can be said of dirt.
13335 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13336 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13337 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
13338 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13339 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13341 Carson's Consolation:
13342 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13343 It can always be used as a bad example.
13345 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13346 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13348 Carswell's Corollary:
13349 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13350 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13353 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13355 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13358 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13361 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13363 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13364 -- Garrison Keillor
13366 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13367 a sled through the snow.
13369 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13371 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13372 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13374 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13376 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13378 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13380 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13382 Cecil, you're my final hope
13383 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13384 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13385 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13386 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13387 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13388 What I don't understand is just why he
13389 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13390 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13391 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13392 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13393 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13394 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13395 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13396 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13397 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13399 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13401 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13402 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13403 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13404 -- Kelvin Throop III
13406 Census Taker to Housewife:
13407 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13409 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13411 Cerebral atrophy, n.:
13412 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13413 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13414 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13415 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13416 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13417 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13418 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13420 Cerebral darwinism, n.:
13421 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13422 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13423 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13424 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13425 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13426 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13427 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13428 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13430 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13431 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13432 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13435 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13436 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13438 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13439 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13440 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13441 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13442 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13443 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13444 others who have tried it.
13445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13447 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
13448 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
13449 of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
13450 which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
13451 the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
13452 nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
13453 (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
13455 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13457 Certainly the game is rigged.
13458 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13459 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13461 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13462 But it's very funny --
13463 did you ever try buying them without money?
13466 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13468 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13469 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13471 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13474 Chairman of the Bored.
13476 Chamberlain's Laws:
13477 1: The big guys always win.
13478 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13480 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13483 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13485 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13488 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13490 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13492 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13493 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13494 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13495 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13496 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13497 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13498 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13501 Character density, n.:
13502 The number of very weird people in the office.
13504 Character is what you are in the dark!
13505 -- Lord John Whorfin
13507 Charity begins at home.
13508 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13511 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13513 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13514 Linus: To make others happy.
13515 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13517 Charlie was a chemist,
13518 But Charlie is no more.
13519 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13521 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13522 without having asked any clear question.
13524 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13526 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13527 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13530 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13531 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13533 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13535 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13536 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13539 Any cook who swears in French.
13542 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13543 the next time he's in need.
13546 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13548 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13550 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13552 Chemistry is applied theology.
13553 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13555 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13558 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13562 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13565 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13567 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13568 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13569 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13570 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13572 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13573 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13574 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13575 cheerfully baste you.
13576 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13578 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13579 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13581 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13583 Chicken Little was right.
13586 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13587 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13588 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13589 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13591 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13592 shivers when it's warm.
13594 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13595 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13597 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13598 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13600 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13601 going to catch you in next.
13602 -- Franklin P. Jones
13604 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13605 And that's what parents were created for.
13608 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13609 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13612 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13613 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13615 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13616 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13618 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13620 Chism's Law of Completion:
13621 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13622 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13624 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13625 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13627 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13628 Roger the thief has a
13631 Folks who are reading are
13633 Always Forgetting to
13634 Guard their own bac ...
13638 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13639 a friend if she were a man.
13643 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13644 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13645 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13646 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13647 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13648 And we begged her not to go.
13649 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13650 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13651 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13652 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13653 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13654 He's been taking this so well.
13655 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13656 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13657 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13658 They should never give a license,
13659 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13661 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13664 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
13666 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13668 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13669 -- George Bernard Shaw
13671 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13672 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13673 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13674 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13676 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13677 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13678 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13679 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13681 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13682 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13683 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13684 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13685 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13686 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13687 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13688 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13689 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13692 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13693 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13694 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13697 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13701 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13702 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13703 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13705 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13708 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13711 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13712 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13714 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13718 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13719 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13721 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13723 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13724 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13727 Clarke's Conclusion:
13728 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13730 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13731 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13734 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13735 leading the parade.
13738 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13739 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13742 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13744 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13745 the walk before it stops snowing.
13748 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13751 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13754 Where their last tornado did six
13755 million dollars worth of improvements.
13757 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13760 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13762 Climate and Surgery
13763 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13764 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13765 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13766 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13767 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13768 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13769 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13771 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13772 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13774 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13775 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13776 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13777 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13778 please?" it asked the bartender.
13779 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13780 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13781 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13784 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13785 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13786 is a clone of our product."
13788 Clones are people two.
13790 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13792 Clothes make the man.
13793 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13796 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13797 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13798 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13799 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13801 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13802 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13803 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13805 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13806 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13807 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13809 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13810 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13811 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13813 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13814 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13815 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13817 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13818 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13819 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13821 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13822 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13823 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13825 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13826 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13827 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13829 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13830 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13831 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13833 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13834 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13835 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13836 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13837 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13838 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13840 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13841 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13842 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13844 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13845 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13846 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13848 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13849 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13850 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13851 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13854 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13857 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13859 COBOL is for morons.
13860 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13862 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13864 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13867 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13868 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13870 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13871 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13872 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13874 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13878 There is no bottom to worse.
13881 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13882 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13883 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13886 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13889 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13890 -- G. K. Chesterton
13893 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
13896 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13899 Cold hands, no gloves.
13902 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13905 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13906 other fellow can spell.
13909 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13911 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13912 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13913 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13914 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13919 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13921 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13923 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13925 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13926 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13927 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13928 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13929 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13930 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13931 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13932 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13933 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13934 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13936 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
13937 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
13938 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
13939 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
13940 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
13941 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
13942 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
13944 Colvard's Logical Premises:
13945 All probabilities are 50%.
13946 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
13948 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
13949 This is especially true when
13950 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
13952 Grelb's Commentary:
13953 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
13955 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13956 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13957 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13958 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13959 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13961 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
13962 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
13963 The bird of time has but a little way
13964 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
13968 -- George McGovern, 1972
13970 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
13971 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
13972 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
13974 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13975 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13976 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
13977 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13978 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13980 Come live with me, and be my love,
13981 And we will some new pleasures prove
13982 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
13983 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13986 Come live with me and be my love,
13987 And we will some new pleasures prove
13988 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
13989 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13990 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
13991 If you would be my POSSLQ.
13993 You live with me, and I with you,
13994 And you will be my POSSLQ.
13995 I'll be your friend and so much more;
13996 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
13998 And everything we will confess;
13999 Yes, even to the IRS.
14000 Some day on what we both may earn,
14001 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14002 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14003 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14004 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14005 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14007 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14008 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
14010 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14011 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14014 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14015 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14016 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14017 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14018 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14019 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14020 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14021 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14022 Wherever in your sightless substances
14023 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14024 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14025 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14026 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14027 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14028 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
14030 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14032 Coming to Stores Near You:
14034 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14036 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14037 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14038 I'm Not Misbehaving
14040 And A Whole Lot More...
14042 Coming together is a beginning;
14043 keeping together is progress;
14044 working together is success.
14047 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14048 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14050 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14051 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14054 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14055 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14058 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14059 decide that nothing can be done.
14063 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14064 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14065 stamps you as being wise.
14066 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14068 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14069 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14070 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14072 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14073 be appointed to do the work.
14075 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14076 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14079 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14082 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14085 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14086 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14087 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
14089 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14090 1) No action is without side-effects.
14091 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14092 3) There is no free lunch.
14094 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14096 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14097 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14100 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14101 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14102 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14103 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14104 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14105 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14106 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14109 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14110 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14113 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14114 is in the eye of the beholder.
14115 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14117 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14118 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14123 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14126 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14129 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14130 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14131 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14134 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14135 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14136 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14138 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14140 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14142 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14145 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14146 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14147 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14148 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14149 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14150 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14151 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14153 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14155 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14157 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14158 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14161 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14163 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14164 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14167 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14170 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14171 the world that just don't add up.
14173 Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
14174 The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
14175 goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
14176 course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
14177 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
14179 Computers don't actually think.
14180 You just think they think.
14183 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14184 than the estimate the job will cost.
14186 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14187 -- La Rochefoucauld
14190 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14193 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14194 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14195 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
14197 Condense soup, not books!
14200 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14201 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14202 he's already decided to do.
14204 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14205 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14208 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14210 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14211 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14214 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14216 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
14218 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14219 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14220 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14222 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14223 fall flat on your face.
14226 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14228 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14229 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14231 Conflicting research paradigms
14232 Have legitimized various crimes.
14233 The worst we can see
14235 Measuring reaction times.
14237 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14239 Confucius say too damn much!
14241 Confucius say too much.
14242 -- Recent Chinese proverb
14244 Confusion will be my epitaph
14245 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14246 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14247 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14248 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14250 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14251 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14254 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14255 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14256 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14257 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14258 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14259 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14260 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14261 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14262 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14263 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14264 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14265 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14266 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14268 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14270 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14275 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14276 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14277 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14278 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14279 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14282 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14283 nameless to the development team after releasing
14284 the second version of their product.
14286 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14288 Mathematician's Proof:
14289 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14290 odd numbers are prime.
14292 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14293 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14295 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14296 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14297 Computer Scientist's Proof:
14298 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14300 Connector Conspiracy, n.:
14301 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14302 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14303 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14304 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14305 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14308 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14310 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14311 governing that is hard.
14312 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14314 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14315 -- William Shakespeare
14317 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14320 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14321 when everything else feels great.
14323 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14324 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14326 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14330 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14331 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14332 never admitted to in the first place.
14334 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14335 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14338 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14339 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14342 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14343 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14345 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14346 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14348 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14349 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14350 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14351 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14353 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14354 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14355 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14357 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14358 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14362 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14363 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14364 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14365 Calculator, Will Travel.
14368 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14371 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14372 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14373 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14374 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14378 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14379 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14381 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14382 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14385 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14387 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14388 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14389 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14390 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14391 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14392 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14394 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14395 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14397 "Through the Looking-Glass,
14398 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
14400 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14401 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
14403 Convention is the ruler of all.
14406 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14407 but solitude is the school of genius.
14410 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14411 is called the listener.
14414 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14417 This person must be fired.
14419 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14421 -- Raymond Chandler
14424 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14425 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14426 interested in reading them.
14429 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14430 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
14432 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14434 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14435 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
14438 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14440 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14441 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14445 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14446 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14447 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14450 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14452 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14453 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14454 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14455 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14456 being easier to stake.
14458 Counting in binary is just like counting
14459 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14462 Counting in octal is just like counting
14463 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14466 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14468 Courage is grace under pressure.
14470 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14473 Courage is your greatest present need.
14476 A place where they dispense with justice.
14479 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14480 -- William Congreve
14483 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14484 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14486 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14487 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14488 -- Wernher von Braun
14490 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14492 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14493 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14494 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14495 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14496 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14497 between adequacy and excellence.
14499 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14500 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14501 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14502 say it was obvious all along.
14503 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14505 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14507 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14508 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14510 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14514 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14516 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14517 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14518 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14519 regardless of your formal duties.
14521 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14525 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14529 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14532 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14533 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14536 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14537 -- Socrates' last words
14540 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14543 The amount of work done varies inversely
14544 with the time spent in the office.
14546 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14549 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14550 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14551 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14552 much work has already been done on it.
14554 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14556 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14560 Cthulhu for President!
14561 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14563 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14565 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14567 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14571 One whose program will not run.
14574 Cursor address, n.:
14576 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14578 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14580 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14581 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14582 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14583 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14584 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14585 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14586 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14587 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14588 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14589 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14590 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14591 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14592 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14596 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14597 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14598 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14599 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14601 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14603 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14604 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14607 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14611 Cutler Webster's Law:
14612 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14613 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14615 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14616 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14617 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
14621 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14622 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14623 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14624 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14630 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14633 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14634 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14637 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14640 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14641 it lacks is a decent editor
14644 The city that chose Astroturf to
14645 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14647 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
14649 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14651 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14654 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14656 Damn, I need a Coke!
14657 -- Dr. William DeVries
14658 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14660 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14663 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14665 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14668 The watchdog barkin'
14672 Slip in his window.
14674 Then his house I start to wreck
14679 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14680 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14682 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14683 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14686 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14687 -- Princess Leia Organa
14689 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14692 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14695 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14696 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14698 Data is not information;
14699 Information is not knowledge;
14700 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14703 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14704 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14706 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14708 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14709 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14710 * Hourly motel rates
14711 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14712 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14713 like some countries we could mention
14714 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14715 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14716 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14718 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14719 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14720 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14721 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14722 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14723 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14724 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14725 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14726 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14727 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14728 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14729 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14730 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14732 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14733 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14734 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14737 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14740 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14741 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14743 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14745 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14746 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14749 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14751 Dealing with failure is easy:
14752 Work hard to improve.
14753 Success is also easy to handle:
14754 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14756 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14757 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14761 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14765 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14766 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14767 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14768 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14769 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14770 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14771 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14772 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14774 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14777 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14778 summarize. What should I do?
14782 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14783 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14784 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14785 summarizing a vote.
14786 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14789 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14794 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14795 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14796 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14798 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14801 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14806 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14807 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14808 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14809 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14810 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14811 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14814 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14815 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14816 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14817 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14818 -- A Concerned Citizen
14821 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14822 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14823 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14824 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14825 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14827 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14828 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14829 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14830 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14831 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14832 they are always interested in good stories.
14835 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14836 to. How about an example?
14840 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14841 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14842 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14843 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14844 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14845 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14846 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14847 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14848 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14849 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14850 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14851 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14852 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14853 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14854 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14855 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14856 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14857 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14860 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14865 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14866 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14868 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14869 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14870 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14871 about the signature anyway.
14872 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14874 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14878 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14879 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14880 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14881 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14882 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14884 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14887 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14888 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14889 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14890 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14893 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14894 the other hand", again.
14896 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14900 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14901 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14902 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14905 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14906 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14907 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14908 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14911 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
14915 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
14919 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14920 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14921 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14922 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14923 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14924 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14925 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14928 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14929 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14930 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14931 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14932 before making your attack.
14934 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
14935 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
14936 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
14937 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
14938 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
14939 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
14940 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
14941 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
14942 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
14943 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
14947 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14949 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
14951 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
14952 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
14953 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
14954 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
14955 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
14956 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
14957 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14960 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
14965 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
14966 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
14967 posting it. All others please ignore."
14968 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
14969 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
14970 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
14971 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
14972 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
14973 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
14974 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
14975 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
14976 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
14977 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
14978 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
14979 so post it as many places as you can.
14980 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14982 Death before dishonor.
14983 But neither before breakfast.
14985 Death comes on every passing breeze,
14986 He lurks in every flower;
14987 Each season has its own disease,
14988 Its peril -- every hour.
14991 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
14993 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
14994 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
14997 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
14999 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15002 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15004 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15006 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15008 Death is only a state of mind.
15010 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15012 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15014 Death to all fanatics!
15017 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15019 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15021 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15022 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15024 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15027 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15028 erra, n: A mistake.
15029 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15030 Linder, n: A female name.
15031 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15032 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15033 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15034 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15035 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15036 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15037 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15038 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15040 Decision maker, n.:
15041 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15042 before the music stopped.
15044 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15045 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15046 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15047 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15048 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15049 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15051 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15052 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15054 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15055 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15058 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15059 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15060 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15061 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15065 The hardware's, of course.
15068 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15069 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15070 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15071 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15073 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15076 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15077 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15078 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15079 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15081 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15083 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15085 Hardware is what you kick;
15086 Software is what you curse.
15088 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15091 (cond ((null c) () )
15093 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15095 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15097 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15099 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15100 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15101 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15102 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15103 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15104 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15106 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15107 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15110 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15111 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15112 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15113 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15114 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15116 Delay is preferable to error.
15117 -- Thomas Jefferson
15119 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15120 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15122 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15123 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15125 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15126 referring to I/O system services.]
15128 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15129 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15130 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15131 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15132 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15133 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15134 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15135 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15136 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15137 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15139 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15140 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15141 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15143 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15146 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15148 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15150 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15152 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15153 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15154 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15155 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15156 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15157 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15158 steroid-free fitness center.
15159 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15161 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15162 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15163 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15165 Demand the establishment of the government
15166 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15168 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15169 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15171 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15172 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
15174 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15176 -- George Bernard Shaw
15178 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15179 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15182 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15183 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15184 -- George Bernard Shaw
15186 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15189 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15190 will get the blame.
15191 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
15193 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15194 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15197 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15198 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15200 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15201 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15203 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15204 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15207 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15208 deserve to get it good and hard.
15209 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15211 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15212 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15213 -- Winston Churchill
15216 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15217 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15218 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15219 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15220 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15221 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15222 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15223 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15227 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15230 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15231 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15232 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15233 -- Charles Bukowski
15235 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15236 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15238 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15239 The remainder is thrown out.
15241 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15243 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15244 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15246 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15247 windows by Democrats.
15248 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15250 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15251 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15253 Dental health is next to mental health.
15256 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15257 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15258 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15261 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
15263 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15265 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15267 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15269 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15270 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15273 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15275 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15276 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15279 What you regret not doing later on.
15281 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15282 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15284 Despising machines to a man,
15285 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15286 And ride out by night
15287 In a sheeting of white
15288 To lynch all the robots they can.
15289 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15291 Despite all appearances, your boss
15292 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15294 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15295 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15297 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15299 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15300 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15301 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15303 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15306 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15307 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15309 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15310 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15313 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15314 Some do, some don't.
15316 Did I say 2? I lied.
15318 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15319 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15321 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15322 has already been born?
15325 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15326 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15329 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15331 Did you hear about the model who sat
15332 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15334 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15335 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15337 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15339 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15344 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15345 only recaptured 116 of them?
15348 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15350 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15353 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15354 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15355 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15357 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15360 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15361 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15362 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15363 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15365 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15367 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15368 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15369 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15370 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15371 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15372 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15374 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15375 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15377 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15380 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15381 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15383 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15384 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15386 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15391 Did you know the University of Iowa
15392 closed down after someone stole the book?
15396 That no-one ever reads these things?
15398 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15399 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15400 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15401 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15404 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
15406 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15407 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15408 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15411 To stop sinning suddenly.
15414 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15415 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15417 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15419 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15421 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15424 Dignity is like a flag.
15425 It flaps in a storm.
15430 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15431 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15432 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15434 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15436 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15437 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15438 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15441 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15443 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15444 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15446 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15447 asked him, after a few days.
15448 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15450 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15451 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15452 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15454 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15457 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15460 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15466 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15470 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15471 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15474 As distinguished from some other bar.
15476 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15478 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15479 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15480 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15481 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15482 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15483 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15484 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15485 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15487 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15492 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15493 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15495 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15497 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15499 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15502 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15505 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15507 Disks travel in packs.
15509 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15510 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15512 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15513 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15516 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15519 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15520 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15522 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15523 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15524 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15526 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15527 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15528 -- Lord Chesterfield
15530 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15532 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15535 Do clones have navels?
15537 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15540 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15542 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15544 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15546 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15548 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
15550 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15552 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15555 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15556 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15557 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15558 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15559 of them ever committed suicide.
15560 -- Henry David Thoreau
15562 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15563 Their tastes may not be the same.
15564 -- George Bernard Shaw
15566 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15568 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15569 -- Robert A. Heinlein
15571 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15573 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15576 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15577 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15579 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15580 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15582 Do not overtax your powers.
15584 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15585 Violators will be prosecuted.
15586 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15588 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15589 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15590 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15592 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15594 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15596 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15598 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15599 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15602 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15604 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15606 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15608 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15610 Do not worry about which side your
15611 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15613 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15615 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15617 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15619 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15621 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15623 Do unto others before they undo you.
15625 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15627 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15628 -- Aleister Crowley
15630 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15631 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15633 Do you believe in intuition?
15634 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15636 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15637 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15638 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15639 Can you see your neck?
15640 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15641 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15642 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15643 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15646 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15648 Do you have lysdexia?
15650 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15652 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15653 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15654 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15655 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15656 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15657 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15661 Do you know Montana?
15663 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15664 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15667 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15668 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15671 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15672 between Nixon and the White House.
15673 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15675 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15676 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15678 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15679 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15681 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15682 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15684 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15685 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15687 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15689 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15690 just whipped out a quarter?
15693 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15694 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15696 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15697 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15698 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15699 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15700 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15701 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15703 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15704 Do they like to shake their tails?
15705 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15706 Is your garden full of snails?
15708 Do your part to help preserve life on
15709 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15711 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15712 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15713 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15716 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15719 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15720 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15723 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15724 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15726 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15727 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15728 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15729 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15730 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15732 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15734 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15736 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15737 and the rest of us.
15739 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15741 Doing gets it done.
15744 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15746 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15747 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15748 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15749 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15750 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
15751 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15752 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15754 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15756 Don't abandon hope.
15757 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15759 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15762 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15763 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15764 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15765 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15767 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15770 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15772 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15774 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15776 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15778 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15780 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15783 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15785 Don't confuse things that need action
15786 with those that take care of themselves.
15788 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15790 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15791 -- The Firesign Theatre
15793 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15795 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15798 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15799 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15801 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15803 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15804 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15806 Don't eat yellow snow.
15808 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15810 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15813 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15814 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15816 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15818 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15821 Don't get even, get odd.
15823 Don't get mad, get even.
15824 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15826 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15829 Don't get mad, get interest.
15831 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15833 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15834 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15837 Don't get to bragging.
15839 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15840 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15843 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15845 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15848 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15850 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15852 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15854 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15856 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15860 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15862 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15863 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15865 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15867 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15869 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15871 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15872 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15874 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15875 until you have hold of something else.
15876 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15878 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15879 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15880 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15881 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15882 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15883 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15884 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15886 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15888 Don't let your status become too quo!
15890 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15892 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15894 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15900 Your brains are in it.
15903 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15905 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15906 -- Scottish proverb
15908 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15910 Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
15911 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
15913 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15914 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15916 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15917 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15919 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15920 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15922 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15923 lock the door and throw away the key.
15925 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15927 Don't read everything you believe.
15929 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
15931 Don't remember what you can infer.
15934 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
15935 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
15937 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
15939 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
15940 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
15942 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
15944 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
15946 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
15948 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
15952 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
15954 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
15957 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
15960 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
15961 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
15963 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
15965 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
15968 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
15969 sodomy and the lash.
15970 -- Winston Churchill
15972 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
15974 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
15977 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
15980 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
15981 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
15982 -- Watchman Examiner
15984 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
15986 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
15989 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
15990 with my breakfast cereal.
15991 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
15993 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
15995 Don't wake me up too soon...
15996 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
15999 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16000 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16002 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16004 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16006 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16008 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16009 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16012 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16013 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16016 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16019 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16020 you can always take something for it.
16022 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16023 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16025 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16027 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16029 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16030 want to help you could agree with each other?
16032 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16034 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16035 you through times of no dope.
16038 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16039 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16040 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16041 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16045 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16046 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16047 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16048 Control and meta, side by side,
16049 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16050 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16052 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16053 Had a couple of bits more!
16054 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16056 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16057 OR'd together, outta sight!
16058 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16059 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16060 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16061 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16062 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16063 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16065 Double-blind Experiment, n.:
16066 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16067 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16068 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16070 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16073 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16074 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16076 Down to the Banana Republics,
16077 Down to the tropical sun.
16078 Go the expatriated Americans,
16079 Hoping to find some fun.
16080 Some of them go for the sailing,
16081 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16082 Trying to find what is ailing,
16083 Living in the land of the free.
16084 Some of them are running from lovers,
16085 Leaving no forward address.
16086 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16087 Some are running from the IRS.
16088 Late at night you will find them,
16089 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16090 Hustling the senoritas,
16091 While they dance beneath the stars.
16092 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16094 Down with the categorical imperative!
16097 In a hierarchical organization,
16098 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16100 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16101 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16102 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16103 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16105 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16107 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16109 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16110 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16111 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16112 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16114 Here's how the diet works:
16117 First Month: One egg
16118 Second Month: A raisin
16119 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16121 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16122 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16124 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16127 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16129 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16130 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16131 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16133 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16135 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16137 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16139 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16140 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16141 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16143 Drilling for oil is boring.
16145 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16146 Love, the reeling midnight through
16147 For tomorrow we shall die!
16148 (But, alas, we never do.)
16149 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16151 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16153 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16154 instant motor skills.
16157 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16160 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16161 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16164 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16165 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16166 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16168 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16170 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16171 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16172 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16175 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16176 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16177 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16178 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16179 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16184 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16187 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16191 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16194 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16196 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16201 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16202 yourself as part of the problem.
16204 Ducharme's Precept:
16205 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16209 Ducks? What ducks??
16211 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16212 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16215 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16216 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16218 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16219 fate and captain of your soul.
16221 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16224 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16226 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16227 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16228 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16229 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16232 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16233 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16235 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16237 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16238 perform as president?"
16239 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16242 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16243 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16244 and fly your colors proudly.
16246 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16247 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16248 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16251 What one expects from others.
16254 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16255 nothing whatever to do with it.
16256 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
16258 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16259 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16261 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16268 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16270 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16273 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16274 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16275 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16276 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16277 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16278 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16279 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16280 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16281 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16282 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16283 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16284 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16285 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16286 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16287 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16288 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16290 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16291 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16293 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16294 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16295 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16296 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16298 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16301 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16302 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16303 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16307 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16308 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16310 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16314 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16315 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16316 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16318 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16320 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16321 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16322 21st century aircraft:
16324 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16325 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16326 pilot if he touches anything.
16327 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16329 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16330 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16332 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16333 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16336 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16338 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16340 /earth: file system full.
16342 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16344 Earth is a beta site.
16346 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16349 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16350 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16351 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16352 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16353 means the puzzle is solved.
16354 -- Steve Rubenstein
16356 Easy come and easy go,
16357 some call me easy money,
16358 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16359 and sometimes it ain't funny
16360 You may think that I'm a fool
16361 and sometimes that is true,
16362 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16363 with or without you.
16366 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16367 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16369 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16371 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
16373 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16375 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16377 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16378 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16380 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16382 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16384 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16386 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16388 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16389 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16392 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
16393 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16395 Economies of scale:
16396 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16397 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16398 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16399 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16400 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16404 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16405 personality to become an accountant.
16407 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16408 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16411 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16412 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16413 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16415 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16418 Editing is a rewording activity.
16420 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16421 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16422 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16424 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16425 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16426 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16428 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16429 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16431 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16434 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16437 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16438 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16439 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16440 royal-blue chickens.
16441 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16443 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16444 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
16446 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16447 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
16449 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16450 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16451 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16452 the "nog" comes from.
16454 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
16457 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16459 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16460 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16463 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16466 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16469 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16470 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16472 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16474 Ehrman's Commentary:
16475 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
16476 (2) Who said things would get better?
16478 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16479 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16482 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16483 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16485 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
16487 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16488 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16491 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16492 armrest in a movie theatre.
16493 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16496 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16498 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16499 make the machine do some more.
16502 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16503 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16506 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16508 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16512 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16513 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16514 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16515 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16519 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16520 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16521 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16523 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16525 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16526 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16527 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16528 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16529 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16530 the faint of heart.
16531 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16532 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16535 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16536 children under eight years of age.
16538 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16541 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16543 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16547 A mouse built to government specifications.
16549 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16551 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16552 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16553 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16554 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16555 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16556 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16557 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16558 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16560 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16561 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16562 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16563 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16564 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16566 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16569 The feel of a kiss.
16571 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16573 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16574 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16577 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16579 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
16580 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16581 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16584 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16585 Son knows everything.
16587 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16588 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16589 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16590 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16592 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16593 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16594 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16596 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16598 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16599 And here, find rest.
16601 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16602 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16603 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16604 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16606 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16607 Science: "Why will this work?"
16608 Management: "When will this work?"
16609 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16611 English literature's performing flea.
16612 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16615 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16616 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16617 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16618 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16619 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16620 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16621 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16622 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16623 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16624 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16626 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16627 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16630 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16632 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16634 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16637 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16638 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16640 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16642 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16645 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16649 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16650 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16652 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16653 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16657 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16658 something his wife can beat him at.
16660 Equal bytes for women.
16662 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16663 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16665 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16666 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16668 Error in operator: add beer
16670 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16671 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16672 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16673 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16675 "Through the Looking-Glass,
16676 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
16678 Eschew obfuscation.
16680 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16681 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16683 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16685 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16688 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16691 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16692 fashion for those with no taste.
16695 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16696 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16697 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16698 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16702 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
16703 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16704 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
16706 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16707 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16708 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16709 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16710 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16711 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16712 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16713 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16714 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16715 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16716 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16718 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16723 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16725 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16727 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16729 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16730 And says his prayers at night
16731 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16732 And the moon is full and bright.
16733 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16735 Even God cannot change the past.
16738 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16741 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16742 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16745 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16748 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16751 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16752 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16753 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16754 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16755 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16756 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16757 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16758 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16759 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16760 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16761 A fairer summer and a later fall
16762 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16763 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16764 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16765 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16766 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16768 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16770 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16771 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16773 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16774 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16777 Events are not affected, they develop.
16780 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16782 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16783 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16785 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16786 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16789 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16790 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16792 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16793 Simple coincidence?
16796 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16797 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16798 We're big but bigger we will be,
16799 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16801 Our products now are known in every zone.
16802 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16803 We've fought our way thru
16804 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16805 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16806 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16808 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16809 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16810 Right here and now we thankfully
16811 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16812 To the corporation that's the best of all
16813 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16814 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16815 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16816 Once or twice, then sing again
16817 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16818 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16820 Ever since I was a young boy,
16821 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16822 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16823 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16824 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16825 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16826 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16827 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16828 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16829 Sure sends a mean packet.
16830 He's a UNIX wizard,
16831 There has to be a twist.
16832 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16833 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16834 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16835 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16836 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16837 The proper bit flags set,
16838 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16839 Sure sends a mean packet.
16842 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16843 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16844 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16845 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16846 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16847 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16848 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16849 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16851 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16853 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16855 Because newspapers are read too.
16856 Two and Two is four.
16857 Four and four is eight.
16858 Eight and four is twelve.
16859 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16860 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16861 Queen Mary was a ship.
16862 Ships sail the sea.
16863 There are fishes in the sea.
16865 The Fins fought the Russians.
16867 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16868 Therefore fire engines are red.
16870 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16871 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16872 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16873 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
16874 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16875 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16876 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16877 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16878 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16879 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16880 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16881 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16882 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16883 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16884 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16886 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16887 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16889 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16893 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16895 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16896 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16898 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16899 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16901 Every country has the government it deserves.
16902 -- Joseph De Maistre
16904 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16906 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
16908 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16911 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16913 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
16914 woman and stop her.
16916 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
16917 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
16918 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
16919 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
16920 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
16921 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
16923 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16924 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16925 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16926 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16927 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
16928 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
16929 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16930 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
16932 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
16934 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
16935 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
16936 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
16937 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
16938 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
16939 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
16940 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
16941 color"], that does not exist.
16943 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
16944 -- Frank Moore Colby
16946 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
16948 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
16951 Every love's the love before
16953 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
16955 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
16957 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
16958 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
16959 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
16960 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
16961 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
16962 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
16963 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
16964 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
16965 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
16966 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
16967 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
16969 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
16970 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16972 Every man takes the limits of his own field
16973 of vision for the limits of the world.
16976 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
16977 and powerful know that he is.
16978 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
16980 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
16981 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
16982 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
16983 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
16984 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
16985 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
16986 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
16988 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
16989 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
16992 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
16993 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
16996 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
16997 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
16998 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
16999 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17000 up, you'd better be running.
17002 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17004 Every night my prayers I say,
17005 And get my dinner every day;
17006 And every day that I've been good,
17007 I get an orange after food.
17008 The child that is not clean and neat,
17009 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17010 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17011 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17012 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17014 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17016 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17018 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17019 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17020 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17021 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17022 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17024 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17025 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17028 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17029 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17030 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17031 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17033 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17034 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17035 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17038 Every path has its puddle.
17040 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17041 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17042 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17044 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17045 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17046 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17048 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17049 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17051 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17053 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17055 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17056 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17058 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17059 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17062 Every solution breeds new problems.
17064 Every successful person has had failures
17065 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17067 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17070 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17072 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17074 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17076 Every time you manage to close the door on
17077 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17079 Every why hath a wherefore.
17080 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17082 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17085 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17089 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17090 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17091 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17092 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17093 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17094 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17095 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17096 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17097 you're fired. As of right now."
17098 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17099 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17100 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17101 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17104 Everybody has something to conceal.
17107 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17108 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17110 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17111 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
17113 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17114 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17115 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17116 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17118 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17119 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17122 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17123 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17125 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17126 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17127 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17128 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17130 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17131 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17132 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17133 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17134 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17136 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17139 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17140 stop hacking and fall in love!
17142 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17144 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17145 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17147 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17149 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17151 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17154 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17156 Everyone is in the best seat.
17159 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17162 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17163 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17164 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17165 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17166 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17167 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17168 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17169 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17170 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17172 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17174 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17176 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17180 Everyone was born right-handed.
17181 Only the greatest overcome it.
17183 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17184 1. They want it quick.
17185 2. They want it good.
17186 3. They want it cheap.
17187 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17188 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17190 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17192 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17194 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17196 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17198 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17199 -- Alexander Woollcott
17201 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17202 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17204 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17205 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17207 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17208 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17210 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17211 that a belch is more satisfying.
17214 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17215 something you know.
17216 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17217 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17219 Everything might be different in the present
17220 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17222 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17223 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17225 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17227 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17230 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17233 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17234 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17236 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17238 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17240 Everything you know is wrong!
17242 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17243 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17246 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17247 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17248 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17249 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17251 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17253 Everything's great in this good old world;
17254 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17255 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17256 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17257 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17258 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17259 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17260 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17261 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17263 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17264 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17265 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17266 -- Flannery O'Connor
17268 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17269 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17270 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17272 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17274 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17275 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17278 Evolution is a million line computer
17279 program falling into place by accident.
17281 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17282 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17283 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17284 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17285 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17286 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17287 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17288 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17290 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17291 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17294 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17295 It is the only thing.
17296 -- Albert Schweitzer
17298 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17299 Spike the office water cooler.
17301 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17303 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17305 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17307 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17310 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17311 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17313 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17314 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17316 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17319 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17320 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17321 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17323 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17324 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17325 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17327 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
17329 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17331 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17334 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17338 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17340 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17342 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17343 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17345 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17347 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17349 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17351 Expedience is the best teacher.
17353 Expense accounts, n.:
17354 Corporate food stamps.
17356 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17357 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17359 Experience is not what happens to you;
17360 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17363 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17364 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17367 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17368 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17370 Experience is what causes a person
17371 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17373 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17375 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17376 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17377 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17379 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17382 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17386 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17388 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17390 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17391 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17392 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17393 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17394 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17395 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17396 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17397 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17398 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17399 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17400 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17401 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17402 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17403 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17405 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17406 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17407 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17408 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17409 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17410 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17411 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17412 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17413 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17414 offer more plausible alternatives.
17415 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17416 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17418 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17419 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17421 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17422 of justice is no virtue.
17425 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17426 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17427 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17428 On the poison they're exuding.
17429 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17431 F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
17432 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
17434 "Yes. They have more money."
17436 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17438 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17440 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17442 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17444 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17446 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17449 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17451 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17454 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17457 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17458 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17459 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17460 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17461 doesn't even shout at me."
17462 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17463 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17464 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17465 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17466 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17467 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17468 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17469 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17470 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17471 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17472 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17473 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17475 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17477 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17478 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17481 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17483 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17485 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17486 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17487 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17488 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17490 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17491 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17493 Faith is under the left nipple.
17497 That quality which enables us to
17498 believe what we know to be untrue.
17501 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17502 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17503 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17506 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17507 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17508 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17509 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17510 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17511 good idea to check with your doctor.
17514 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17515 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17517 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17519 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17521 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17522 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17525 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17526 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17529 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17531 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17533 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17536 Families, when a child is born
17537 Want it to be intelligent.
17538 I, through intelligence,
17539 Having wrecked my whole life,
17540 Only hope the baby will prove
17541 Ignorant and stupid.
17542 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17543 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17547 Conspicuously miserable.
17548 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17553 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17554 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17555 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17556 4: We won't need reservations.
17557 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17558 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17559 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17560 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17562 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17563 forgotten your aim.
17564 -- George Santayana
17566 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17567 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17569 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17570 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17571 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17572 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17573 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17574 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17575 was the Empire forged.
17576 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17578 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17580 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17581 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17582 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17583 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17584 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17585 are a pretty neat idea ...
17586 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17588 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17589 stressful than divorce.
17590 -- Wall Street Journal
17592 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17593 it every six months.
17596 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17599 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17601 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17604 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17607 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17609 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17611 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17612 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17614 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17616 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17617 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17618 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17621 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17623 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17624 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17626 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17630 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17631 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17632 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17633 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17634 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17636 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17637 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17640 Feel disillusioned?
17641 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17643 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17646 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17647 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
17648 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17649 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17650 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17651 A singular development of cat communications
17652 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17653 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17654 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17655 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17656 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17657 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17658 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17659 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17660 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17661 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17662 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17664 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17665 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17666 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17667 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
17668 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17669 yours to the bottom of the list.
17671 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17672 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17673 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17674 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17675 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17676 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17677 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17679 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17682 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17685 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17686 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17687 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17689 Ferguson's Precept:
17690 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17692 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17693 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17695 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17696 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17697 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17698 basic difference between robots and humans?
17699 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17700 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17701 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17703 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17707 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17709 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17710 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17711 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17712 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17713 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17715 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17716 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17718 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17720 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17721 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17722 there is nothing important to do.
17724 Fifty flippant frogs
17725 Walked by on flippered feet
17726 And with their slime they made the time
17729 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17733 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17736 Throwing your wait around.
17738 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17739 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17742 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17744 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17745 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17747 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17748 No matter what results are expected,
17749 someone is always willing to fake it.
17751 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17752 No matter what the result someone
17753 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17755 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17756 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17757 it happened according to his pet theory.
17759 Finagle's First Law:
17760 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17762 Finagle's Second Law:
17763 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17765 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17766 Once a job is fouled up,
17767 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17769 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17770 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17772 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17773 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17775 Finagle's Second Law:
17776 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17777 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17778 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17780 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17781 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17783 Finagle's Third Law:
17784 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17785 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17788 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17789 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17790 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17793 Perfection is finality.
17794 Nothing is perfect.
17795 There are lumps in it.
17797 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17799 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17801 Fine day for friends.
17804 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17806 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17809 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17811 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17813 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17815 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17818 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17821 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17823 First, a few words about tools.
17825 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17826 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17827 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17828 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17829 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17830 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17831 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17833 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17834 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17837 First Law of Bicycling:
17838 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17840 First law of debate:
17841 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17843 First Law of Procrastination:
17844 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17845 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17846 imposed the deadline).
17848 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17849 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17851 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17852 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17853 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17855 First Rule of History:
17856 History doesn't repeat itself --
17857 historians merely repeat each other.
17859 First rule of public speaking.
17860 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17862 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17864 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17865 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17867 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17868 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17869 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17870 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17871 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17872 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17873 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17874 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17875 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17876 another phone booth.
17877 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17878 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17879 released it, too, in the scrub.
17880 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17881 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17882 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17883 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17884 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17886 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17888 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
17889 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
17891 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17892 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17893 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17894 trees to prove their manhood.
17898 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17899 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17901 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17904 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17907 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
17910 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
17911 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
17912 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
17913 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
17914 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
17915 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
17916 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17917 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
17918 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
17919 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
17920 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
17921 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
17922 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
17923 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
17924 Yes, and goin' insane,
17925 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
17926 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17928 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
17930 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
17931 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
17932 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
17933 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
17934 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
17935 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
17936 Irish Political History".
17938 Five rules for eternal misery:
17939 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
17940 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
17941 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
17942 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
17943 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
17944 how much better things might have been or how much worse
17945 things might become).
17946 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
17947 follow the first four rules.
17953 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
17954 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17956 Flappity, floppity, flip
17957 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
17958 The strip revolved,
17959 The mouse dissolved
17960 In a chronodimensional skip.
17963 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
17964 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
17966 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
17969 Flattery will get you everywhere.
17971 Flee at once, all is discovered.
17973 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
17977 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
17978 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
17980 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
17981 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
17984 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
17985 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
17987 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
17988 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
17990 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
17991 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
17994 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
17995 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
17996 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
17997 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
17998 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18000 Flowchart, n. & v.:
18001 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18002 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18003 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18004 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18005 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18006 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18007 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18008 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18009 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18010 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18011 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18012 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18015 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18016 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18018 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18020 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18021 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18023 Flying saucers on occasion
18024 Show themselves to human eyes.
18025 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18026 While they brand these tales as lies.
18029 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18030 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18031 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18033 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18034 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18035 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18036 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18038 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18039 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
18041 Foolproof Operation:
18042 No provision for adjustment.
18044 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18046 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18047 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18049 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18050 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18051 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18053 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18056 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18058 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18060 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18062 For a light heart lives long.
18063 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18065 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18068 For adult education nothing beats children.
18070 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18071 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18072 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18073 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18074 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18075 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18076 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18077 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18079 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
18081 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18082 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18084 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18087 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18089 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18090 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18092 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18093 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18096 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18100 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18103 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18104 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18107 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18108 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18109 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18110 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18111 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18112 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18113 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18114 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18116 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18118 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18122 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18131 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18133 For good, return good.
18134 For evil, return justice.
18136 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18137 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18139 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18140 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18141 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18143 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18144 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18145 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18146 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18147 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18148 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18149 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18152 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18154 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18155 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18158 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18159 get themselves filed.
18162 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18163 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18166 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18167 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18168 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18169 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18170 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18171 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18172 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18173 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18174 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18175 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18176 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18177 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18179 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18180 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18181 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18182 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18183 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18185 For people who like that kind of book,
18186 that is the kind of book they will like.
18188 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18189 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18190 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18193 Parachute. Used once.
18194 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18196 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18197 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18198 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18200 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18202 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18203 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18204 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18207 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18208 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18210 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18212 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18213 referring to system overview.]
18216 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18217 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18220 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18222 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18223 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18225 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18226 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18227 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18229 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18230 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18232 For they starve the frightened little child
18233 Till it weeps both night and day:
18234 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18235 And gibe the old and grey,
18236 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18237 And none a word may say.
18239 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18240 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18241 And the fetid breath of living Death
18242 Chokes up each grated screen,
18243 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18244 In Humanity's machine.
18246 And all men kill the thing they love,
18247 By all let this be heard,
18248 Some do it with a bitter look,
18249 Some with a flattering word,
18250 The coward does it with a kiss,
18251 The brave man with a sword.
18254 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18255 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18256 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18257 spend my evenings?"
18260 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18261 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18262 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18265 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18266 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18268 8 oz. shredded suet
18270 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18272 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18273 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18274 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18275 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18276 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18277 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18278 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18279 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18280 four to five hours.
18282 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18285 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18286 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18289 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18290 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18291 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18293 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18295 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
18296 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18297 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18298 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18299 -- Justin Richardson
18301 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18303 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18306 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18307 "That definition's just."
18308 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18309 Remembering his pounded head:
18310 "Force is not might but must!"
18313 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18314 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18316 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18319 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18320 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18322 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18325 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18326 their destitution of conscience.
18328 Forgive and forget.
18332 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18333 -- George Bernard Shaw
18335 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18336 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18339 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18342 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18344 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18348 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18349 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18351 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18353 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18354 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18357 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18360 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18363 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18364 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18365 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18366 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18368 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18369 probably for at least the next decade.
18372 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18374 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18375 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18376 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18377 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18378 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18379 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18380 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18381 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18382 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18385 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18388 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18390 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18391 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18392 my dissertation to rhyme.
18394 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18397 A: No, He's a mythter.
18399 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18401 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18403 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18406 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18407 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18408 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18411 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18412 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18413 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18414 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18418 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18419 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18422 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18425 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18426 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18428 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18429 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18430 she will get on with her life.
18431 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18432 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18433 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18434 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18435 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18436 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18437 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18438 these classes rarely prove effective.
18440 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18443 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18444 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18445 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18448 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18449 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18450 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18451 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18452 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18453 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18454 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18455 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18457 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18460 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18461 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18462 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18463 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18466 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18467 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18468 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18469 fixed without special tools".
18470 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18471 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18472 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18475 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18478 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18479 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18482 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18483 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18484 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18485 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18486 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18487 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18488 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18490 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18493 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18494 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18495 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18496 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18497 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18498 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18499 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18500 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18504 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18505 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18506 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18507 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18508 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18509 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18510 price their policies accordingly.
18511 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18512 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18515 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18518 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18519 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18520 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18521 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18524 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18525 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18526 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18527 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18528 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18529 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18531 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18534 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18535 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18536 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18537 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18540 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18541 looking, men kick cats.
18544 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18545 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18546 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18547 aware of some short people living in the house.
18549 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18552 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18553 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18554 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18555 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18556 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18557 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18560 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18561 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18562 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18563 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18566 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18567 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18568 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18570 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18573 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18574 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18575 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18576 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18577 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18578 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
18580 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18583 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18584 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18585 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18586 Boardwalk property.
18588 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18590 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18592 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18593 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18594 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18595 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18596 With Julie Christie.
18598 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18600 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18601 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18602 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18605 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18608 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18609 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18610 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18611 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18612 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18614 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18616 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18617 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18618 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18619 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18620 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18621 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18622 a glowing performance.
18624 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18626 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18627 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18628 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18629 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18631 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18633 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18634 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18635 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18636 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18637 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18640 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18642 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18643 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18644 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18645 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18647 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18648 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18649 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18650 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18651 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18653 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18655 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18657 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18658 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18659 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18661 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18663 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18664 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18665 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18666 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18667 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18668 as that in support of an affirmative.
18669 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18671 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18673 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18674 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18675 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18678 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18680 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18681 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18682 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18683 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18684 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18685 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18686 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18688 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18690 Skilled oral communicator:
18691 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18692 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18694 Skilled written communicator:
18695 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18696 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18699 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18700 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18701 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18703 Key company figure:
18704 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18706 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18709 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18710 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18712 An excellent sounding board:
18713 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18714 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18716 A planner and organizer:
18717 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18718 animal tags on his clothing.
18720 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18722 Has management potential:
18723 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18724 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18728 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18732 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18736 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18739 Fortune favors the lucky.
18741 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18743 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18745 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18747 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18748 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18749 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18751 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18753 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18754 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18755 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18757 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18759 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18762 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18764 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18767 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18769 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18771 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18773 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18774 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18776 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18778 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18780 fortune: No such file or directory
18785 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18787 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18788 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18789 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18790 renkontas. I've met.
18791 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18792 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18793 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18794 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18797 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18799 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18800 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18801 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18802 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18803 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18804 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18807 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18809 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18811 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18812 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18813 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18814 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18815 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18817 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18819 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18820 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18821 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18822 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18824 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18826 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18827 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18829 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18831 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18832 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18834 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18836 A: To be or not to be.
18837 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18839 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18841 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18842 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18844 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18846 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18847 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18849 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18851 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18852 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18854 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18856 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18857 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18859 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18861 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18862 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18864 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18866 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18867 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18869 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18873 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18874 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18875 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18876 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18878 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18879 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18880 make "heads or tails of all this"
18883 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18884 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18886 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18887 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18889 Oh, and have a nice day!
18890 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18892 Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18894 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18895 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18898 Fortune's current rates:
18902 Answers requiring thought .50
18903 Correct answers $1.00
18905 Dumb looks are still free.
18907 Fortune's diet truths:
18908 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
18909 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
18910 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
18911 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
18912 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
18913 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
18914 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
18915 appealing as tepid beer.
18916 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
18917 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
18918 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
18920 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
18921 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
18922 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
18923 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
18926 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
18928 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
18929 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
18930 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
18931 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
18932 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
18933 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
18934 you twitter around in your chair.
18935 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
18936 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
18937 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
18938 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
18939 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
18940 followed by one throw-up.
18941 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
18943 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
18946 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
18947 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
18948 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
18949 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
18950 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
18952 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
18953 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
18954 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
18955 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
18956 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
18957 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
18958 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
18959 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
18960 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
18961 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
18962 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
18963 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
18964 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
18965 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
18966 poothtick comes out crean.
18968 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
18969 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
18971 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
18972 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
18973 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
18974 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
18975 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
18976 rather than a spotted one.
18977 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
18978 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
18979 legume-part of the pea family.
18980 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
18982 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
18983 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
18984 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
18986 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
18987 Can you name the seven seas?
18988 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
18989 North Pacific, South Pacific.
18990 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
18991 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
18993 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
18994 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
18996 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
18998 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
18999 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19000 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19002 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19003 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19004 at least once a year.
19006 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19008 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19009 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19011 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19012 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19013 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19014 ability in that particular field."
19016 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19018 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19019 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19021 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19022 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19024 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19025 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19026 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19027 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19029 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19031 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19032 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19034 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19036 Don't Write On Walls!
19040 You want I should type?
19042 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19045 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19046 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19048 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19050 if reality disappears?
19051 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19052 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19054 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19055 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19056 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19057 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19058 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19059 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19060 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19061 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19063 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19065 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19066 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19067 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19068 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19070 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19071 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19072 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19073 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19076 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19077 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19078 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19079 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19080 charges may have been reversed.
19082 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19084 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19085 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19086 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19087 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19088 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19089 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19090 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19092 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19093 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19094 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19095 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19096 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19097 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19098 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19100 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19102 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19104 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19105 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19106 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19107 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19108 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19109 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19110 single poem ever written."
19112 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19113 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19114 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19115 bungling and greed of President
19118 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19119 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19121 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19122 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19123 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19124 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19125 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19126 apply to female horses.
19128 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19129 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19130 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19131 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19132 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19134 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19135 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19136 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19137 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19138 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19139 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19141 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19142 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19144 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19146 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19148 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19150 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19151 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19152 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19153 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19155 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19157 Q: Are you married?
19158 A: No, I'm divorced.
19159 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19160 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19162 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19164 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19165 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19167 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19169 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19170 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19173 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19175 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19176 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19177 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19179 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19181 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19183 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19185 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19186 A: Picking them up in the air.
19187 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19188 A: Attached to the ears.
19190 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19192 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19193 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19194 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19195 him to the station?
19196 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19198 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19200 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19202 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19204 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19206 Q: What is your name?
19207 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19208 Q: And what is your marital status?
19211 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19213 Q: What happened then?
19214 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19216 Q: Did he kill you?
19219 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19221 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19222 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19223 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19224 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19225 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19226 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19227 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19228 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19229 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19230 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19231 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19233 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19234 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19235 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19237 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19239 Never goose a wolverine.
19241 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19243 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19245 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19247 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19248 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19250 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19251 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19253 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19254 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19256 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19257 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19258 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19260 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19261 tombstones, women and competitors.
19262 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
19264 Four hours to bury the cat?
19265 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19267 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19268 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19269 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19270 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19272 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19273 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19274 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19277 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19278 study for that instructor's course.
19280 Fourth Law of Revision:
19281 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19282 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19285 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19286 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19289 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19292 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19295 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19296 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19298 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
19299 -- A Yippie proverb
19301 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19303 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19305 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19307 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19311 Did you know that successive security officers take
19312 control by beheading their predecessor?
19315 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19317 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19319 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19322 Freedom is slavery.
19323 Ignorance is strength.
19327 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19329 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19330 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19332 Fremen add life to spice!
19334 Fresco's Discovery:
19335 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19337 Friction is a drag.
19340 Increased automation of clerical function
19341 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19343 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19347 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19349 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19351 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19352 Let me clue you in;
19353 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19354 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19355 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19356 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19357 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19358 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19359 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19360 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19361 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19363 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19365 -- Honore de Balzac
19367 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19368 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19372 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19373 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19374 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19375 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19376 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19377 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19378 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19379 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19380 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19381 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19383 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19384 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19385 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19386 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19387 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19388 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19389 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19390 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19392 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19393 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19395 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19396 That is the point that must be reached.
19399 From a Tru64 patch description:
19401 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19403 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19404 Association, in Rome]:
19406 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19407 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19408 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19409 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19410 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19411 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19412 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19413 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19414 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19416 From Italian tourist guide:
19418 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19419 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19421 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19423 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19426 From the crystal swirling waters,
19428 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19429 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19430 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19431 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19432 Your butt is on the menu
19433 And the check is in the mail.
19434 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19436 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19437 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19438 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19440 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19443 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19444 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19445 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19446 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19447 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19448 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19449 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19451 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19452 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19453 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19455 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19457 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19458 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19459 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19460 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19461 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19462 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19463 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19465 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19467 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19468 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19469 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19470 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19471 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19473 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19474 systems program at JPL
19476 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19477 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19478 experience in sound:
19480 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19481 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19483 From too much love of living,
19484 From hope and fear set free,
19485 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19486 Whatever gods may be,
19487 That no life lives forever,
19488 That dead men rise up never,
19489 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19493 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19496 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19497 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19500 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19501 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19502 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19505 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19506 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19509 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19510 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19511 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19516 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19519 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19520 even when you are the only person in line.
19521 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19523 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19526 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19527 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19529 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19531 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19532 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
19534 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19535 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19536 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19537 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19538 that's your chance, my boy."
19540 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19543 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19544 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19545 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19547 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19550 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19551 stockings and desolating the country.
19552 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19554 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19555 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19556 -- Adventures of Asterix
19558 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19560 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19561 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19562 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19564 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19565 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19566 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19567 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19568 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19569 individuals and then grow ...
19570 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19571 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19572 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19573 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19574 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19575 think not, my friend, I think not.
19576 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19578 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19579 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19580 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19581 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19582 in it today, either.
19584 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19585 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
19586 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
19587 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
19590 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19591 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19592 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19593 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19594 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19597 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19598 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19600 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19603 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19604 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19605 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19607 General notions are generally wrong.
19608 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19610 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19611 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19613 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19617 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19619 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19620 and if you don't, why you should.
19623 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19624 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19625 all the right things to all the right people.
19627 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19630 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19631 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19636 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19638 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19640 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19644 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19648 Why he stays in the bottle.
19651 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19652 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19653 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19654 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19655 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19656 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19657 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19658 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19659 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19660 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19661 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19662 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19663 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19664 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19665 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19666 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19667 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19668 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19669 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19670 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19671 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19672 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19673 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19674 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19677 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19678 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19679 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19682 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19685 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19686 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19687 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19689 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19690 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19691 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19693 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19694 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19696 George Orwell was an optimist.
19698 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19699 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19702 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19703 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19704 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19705 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19706 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19707 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19708 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19709 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19710 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19711 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19712 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19713 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19714 gonna get on Labor Day."
19716 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19717 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19718 "And he didn't understand me."
19720 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19721 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19722 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19723 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19724 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19725 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19727 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19729 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19732 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19734 Getting into trouble is easy.
19735 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19737 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19738 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19739 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19740 of the American Bar Association
19742 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19745 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19747 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19749 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19751 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19752 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19753 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19754 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19756 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19757 See them flying through the air (...)
19758 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19759 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19761 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19762 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19763 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19764 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19766 Gilbert's Discovery:
19767 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19768 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19770 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19771 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19772 the last whose realm was fair and free
19773 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19775 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19776 his shining helm afar was seen;
19777 the countless stars of heaven's field
19778 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19780 But long ago he rode away,
19781 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19782 for into darkness fell his star
19783 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19787 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19789 2. You can't break even.
19790 3. You can't even quit the game.
19792 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19793 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19794 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19797 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19798 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19799 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19802 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19803 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19805 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19807 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19808 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19810 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19811 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19814 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19815 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19817 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19819 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19820 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19822 Give him an evasive answer.
19824 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19825 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19827 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19828 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19830 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19832 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19835 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19838 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19840 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19841 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19842 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19843 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19846 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19847 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19848 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19849 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19850 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19851 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19853 Give thought to your reputation.
19854 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19858 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19860 Give your very best today.
19861 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19863 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19864 -- William Faulkner
19866 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19867 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19870 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19872 Given sufficient time, what you put
19873 off doing today will get done by itself.
19875 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19876 rather lie around. No contest.
19879 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19880 car keys to teenage boys.
19883 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19884 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19885 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19886 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19889 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
19890 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
19892 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
19893 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
19894 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
19895 some useful work done.
19897 Gloffing is a state of mine.
19899 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
19900 fifth of dry red wine
19902 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
19906 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
19907 a few pieces of dried orange peel
19909 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
19910 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
19911 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
19912 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
19913 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
19914 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
19915 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
19916 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
19917 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
19921 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
19923 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19925 Go ahead, make my day.
19926 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
19928 Go away, I'm all right.
19929 -- H. G. Wells' last words
19931 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
19932 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
19936 Go climb a gravity well.
19938 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
19940 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
19941 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
19943 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
19944 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
19946 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
19947 be in owning a piece thereof.
19948 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
19950 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
19951 but quickly to their misfortunes.
19954 Go to a movie tonight.
19955 Darkness becomes you.
19957 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
19961 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
19962 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
19963 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
19966 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
19967 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
19968 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
19969 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
19972 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
19974 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
19978 Darwin's chief rival.
19980 God created a few perfect heads.
19981 The rest he covered with hair.
19984 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
19985 but many other things ceased as well.
19986 Woman was God's second mistake.
19987 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
19989 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
19990 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
19992 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
19993 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
19996 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
19998 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
19999 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20000 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20001 would he lie about a thing like that?
20002 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20004 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20006 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20007 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20009 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20010 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20011 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20012 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20013 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20014 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20015 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20016 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20018 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20019 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20020 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20022 God help those who do not help themselves.
20025 God helps them that helps themselves.
20026 -- Benjamin Franklin
20028 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20030 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20031 but by pains and contradictions.
20034 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20036 God is a polytheist.
20045 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20048 God is love, but get it in writing.
20051 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20052 much less ambitious project.
20054 God is real, unless declared integer.
20056 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20057 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20061 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20064 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20066 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20069 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20071 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20074 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20076 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
20079 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20081 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
20083 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20084 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20085 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20086 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20087 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20088 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20091 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20092 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20093 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20094 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20095 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20096 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20099 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20100 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20101 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20102 Won't ruin your whole day.
20103 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20105 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20107 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20108 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20111 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20113 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20115 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20119 God votes Republican.
20121 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20125 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20126 somebody moves the ends.
20128 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20130 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20131 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20134 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20135 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20136 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20137 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20138 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20140 Goldenstern's Rules:
20141 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20142 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20144 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20145 eating before he bursts.
20148 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20151 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20152 (2) Time accelerates.
20153 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20155 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20156 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20158 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20160 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20163 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20165 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20166 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20168 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20170 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20173 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20175 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20177 Good advice is something a man gives
20178 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20179 -- La Rochefoucauld
20181 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20183 Good day for business affairs.
20184 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20186 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20188 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20190 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20192 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20193 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20195 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20197 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20198 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20199 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20200 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20202 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20204 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20205 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20206 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20207 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20208 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20210 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20212 Good judgment comes from experience.
20213 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20216 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20218 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20219 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20220 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20222 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20224 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20226 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20228 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20230 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20232 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20235 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20238 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20241 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20242 -- George Saunders' dying words
20244 Goodbye, cool world.
20246 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20247 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
20248 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20249 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20250 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20251 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20252 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20253 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20255 Gordon's first law:
20256 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20260 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20262 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20263 time travel, you never can tell.
20264 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
20267 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20270 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20272 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20273 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20277 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20279 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20280 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20281 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20282 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20284 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20285 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20286 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20287 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20289 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20290 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20291 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20292 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20294 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20295 Everybody wants to have a home.
20296 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20297 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20298 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20301 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20304 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20305 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20309 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20310 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20311 leaving the best part.
20313 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20316 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20317 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20319 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20322 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20323 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20325 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20328 There is an exception to all laws.
20330 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20331 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20333 -- Princess Leia Organa
20336 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20338 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20340 Graduate students and most professors are
20341 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20343 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20345 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20346 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20347 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20349 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20350 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20352 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20354 Graphics blind the eyes.
20355 Audio files deafen the ear.
20356 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20357 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20358 Options wither the heart.
20360 The Guru observes the net
20361 but trusts his inner vision.
20362 He allows things to come and go.
20363 His heart is as open as the ether.
20366 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20368 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20372 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20374 Gravity brings me down.
20376 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20378 Gray's Law of Programming:
20379 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20380 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20382 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20383 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20385 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20388 Great American Axiom:
20389 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20391 Great minds run in great circles.
20393 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20395 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20396 place of residence.
20398 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20400 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20402 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20404 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20406 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20409 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20410 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20413 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20415 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20416 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20419 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20421 Green's Law of Debate:
20422 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20424 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20425 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20426 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20427 of half of Common Lisp.
20430 Eighty percent of all people consider
20431 themselves to be above average drivers.
20433 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20435 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20436 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20440 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20442 Grig (the navigator):
20443 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20447 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20449 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20450 Grig: That's the spirit!
20451 -- The Last Starfighter
20453 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20454 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20456 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20457 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20460 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20461 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20462 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20463 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20464 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20465 maybe, but not in the House."
20467 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20468 -- Maurice Chevalier
20470 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20471 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20472 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
20473 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
20474 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
20475 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
20476 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
20477 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
20478 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
20479 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
20480 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
20481 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
20482 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20485 Grub first, then ethics.
20489 A French chopping center.
20492 The probability of a given event
20493 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20495 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20497 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20498 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20499 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20500 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20501 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20504 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20505 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20506 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20509 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20510 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20511 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20514 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20517 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20518 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20519 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20520 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20521 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20522 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20523 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20524 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20526 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20527 Slice him up before he slays you.
20528 Nothing makes you look a slob
20529 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20530 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20532 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20533 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20534 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20536 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20537 Those who can -- do.
20538 Those who can't -- teach.
20540 Martin's Extension:
20541 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20543 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20546 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20547 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20548 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack."
20549 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20550 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20551 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20552 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20554 Hacker's Fight Song
20556 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20557 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20558 Never bungles, never shirks,
20559 Always gets his stuff to work!
20561 All take a drink (important!)
20563 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20565 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20566 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20567 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20568 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20569 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20570 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20571 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20572 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20573 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20574 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20575 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20576 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20577 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20579 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20580 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20581 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20582 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20583 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20584 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20585 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20588 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20589 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20591 Hackers of the world, unite!
20593 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20594 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20598 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20600 Had he and I but met
20601 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20602 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20603 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20604 And killed him in his place.
20605 I shot him dead because --
20606 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20607 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20608 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20609 No other reason why.
20610 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20611 You shoot a fellow down
20612 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20613 Or help to half-a-crown.
20616 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20617 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20618 -- Alfonso the Wise
20620 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20621 referring to operating system initialization.]
20623 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20624 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20626 Hail to the sun god
20627 He's such a fun god
20630 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20632 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20633 a big enough majority in any town?
20634 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20636 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20637 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20638 one of the following:
20639 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20642 (d) The letter you are answering.
20644 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20645 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20646 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20647 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20649 Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
20651 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20653 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20654 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20657 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20658 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20659 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20660 difference between life and death.
20662 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20663 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20664 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20665 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20666 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20667 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20668 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20669 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20671 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20673 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20674 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20675 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20677 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20678 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20679 their own districts).
20682 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20683 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20684 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20687 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20689 Handshaking protocol, n.:
20690 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20691 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20692 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20694 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20698 The wrath of grapes.
20701 Never attribute to malice
20702 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20704 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20705 There are never enough hours in a day,
20706 but always too many days before Saturday.
20708 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20710 Happiness is a hard disk.
20712 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20714 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20717 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20720 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20722 Happiness is the greatest good.
20724 Happiness is twin floppies.
20726 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20728 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20731 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20734 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20736 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20739 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20741 Happy feast of the pig!
20743 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20746 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20749 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20752 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20754 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20755 -- Charlie McCarthy
20758 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20760 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20761 The Duke is fond of kittens
20762 He likes to take their insides out
20763 And use them for his mittens
20766 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20767 Advertising wondrous things.
20770 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20771 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20774 Harp not on that string.
20775 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20777 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20778 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20779 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20781 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20782 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20783 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20785 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20786 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20787 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20788 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20789 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20790 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20791 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20792 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20793 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20794 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20796 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20797 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20798 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20799 hadn't been carving that pie."
20800 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20802 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20803 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20806 Harrison's Postulate:
20807 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20810 All the good ones are taken.
20812 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20813 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20814 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20815 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20816 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20817 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20818 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20819 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20820 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20821 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20822 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20823 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20824 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20825 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20826 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20829 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20830 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20831 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20832 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20833 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20834 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20835 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20836 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20837 just like Richard Nixon."
20838 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20840 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20841 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20842 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20843 with all that pep and vitality.
20845 Hartley's First Law:
20846 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20847 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20849 Hartley's Second Law:
20850 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20853 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20856 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20857 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20858 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20862 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20863 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20864 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20865 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20867 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20868 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20869 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20870 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20871 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20875 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20876 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20877 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20878 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20879 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20881 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20883 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20885 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20886 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20887 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20888 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20889 but a lot harder than it appears.
20891 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
20892 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
20893 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
20894 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
20895 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
20896 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
20902 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
20904 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
20905 -- "Night After Night", 1932
20907 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
20908 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
20910 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
20913 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
20914 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
20918 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
20920 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20922 Have a coke and a smile!
20927 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
20929 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
20930 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
20936 Have an adequate day.
20940 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
20943 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
20944 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
20945 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
20947 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
20948 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
20949 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
20951 Long live the revolution!
20954 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
20955 seriously, for they will shape you.
20958 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
20959 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
20960 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
20961 seventeen-year-old housewife's
20962 two-day-old cookbook?
20963 -- Richard Brautigan
20965 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
20967 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
20968 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
20969 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
20970 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
20972 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
20974 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
20975 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
20976 never find the time for play?
20978 Have you flogged your kid today?
20980 Have you locked your file cabinet?
20982 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
20983 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
20985 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
20986 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
20987 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
20989 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
20991 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
20992 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
20994 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
20995 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
20996 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
20997 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
20999 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21000 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21001 Let me take you by the hand
21002 Lead you through the streets of London
21003 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21005 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21006 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21007 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21008 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21010 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21011 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21012 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21013 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21014 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21015 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21017 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21018 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21019 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21020 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21021 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21023 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21024 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21025 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21026 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21027 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21028 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21030 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21031 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21032 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21033 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21034 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21035 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21036 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21038 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21040 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21043 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21046 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21047 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21049 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21052 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21053 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21054 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21055 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21058 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21059 It's not easy to play the clown
21060 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21062 He: Do you like Kipling?
21063 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21065 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21066 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21069 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21070 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21073 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21076 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21077 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21079 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21081 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21082 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21083 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21085 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21086 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21088 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21089 finer than the staple of his argument.
21090 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21092 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21095 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21097 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21098 perfectly delightful.
21101 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21102 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21103 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21104 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21106 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21109 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21110 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21113 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21116 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21117 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21119 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21120 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21121 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21122 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21124 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21127 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21128 who can say nothing in the most words.
21130 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21132 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21135 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21138 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21141 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21143 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21144 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21146 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21148 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21149 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21151 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21152 -- Sir Richard Burton
21154 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21155 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21157 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21160 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21163 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21164 had fallen to the ground.
21165 -- The Book of Serenity
21167 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21169 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21170 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21171 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21172 I must translate it otherwise.
21173 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21174 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21175 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21176 Lest you should write too hastily.
21177 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21178 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21179 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21180 That my translation must be changed again.
21181 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21182 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21183 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
21185 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21186 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21188 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21189 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21191 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21192 -- John Stark, movie review
21194 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21195 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21197 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21198 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21199 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
21201 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21202 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21204 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21205 -- Scottish proverb
21207 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21208 -- Benjamin Franklin
21210 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21211 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21213 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21214 -- Benjamin Franklin
21216 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21218 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21219 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21221 He thought he saw an albatross
21222 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21223 He looked again and saw it was
21224 A penny postage stamp.
21225 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21226 "The nights are rather damp."
21228 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21229 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21230 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21231 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21232 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21233 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21235 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21239 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21241 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21242 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21243 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21244 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21245 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21248 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21251 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21254 He was part of my dream, of course --
21255 but then I was part of his dream too.
21257 "Through the Looking-Glass,
21258 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
21260 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21262 He was the sort of person whose personality
21263 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21265 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21267 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21268 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21269 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21271 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21272 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21274 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21275 the human condition is a fool.
21278 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21279 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21281 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21282 -- Honore de Balzac
21284 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21287 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21289 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21291 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21293 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21295 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21297 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21298 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21299 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21301 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21303 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21306 He who hesitates is last.
21308 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21310 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21312 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21313 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21315 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21317 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21319 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21321 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21322 encounter many rivals.
21323 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21325 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21326 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21327 senses until the day of judgment.
21330 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21332 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21335 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21336 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21337 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21339 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21340 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21341 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21342 he knows something. Or something like that.
21344 He who knows others is wise.
21345 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21348 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21351 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21354 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21356 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21358 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21360 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21362 He who laughs, lasts.
21364 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21366 He who loses, wins the race,
21367 And parallel lines meet in space.
21368 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21370 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21373 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21375 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21376 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21377 -- Sir Richard Burton
21379 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21380 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
21382 He who slings mud loses ground.
21385 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21387 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21389 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21392 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21395 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21396 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21397 education and culture.
21398 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21400 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21403 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21405 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21406 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21410 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21411 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21414 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21415 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21418 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21419 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21420 up a chopped libber?
21423 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
21424 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21427 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21428 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21432 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21433 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
21434 typewriter's ribbon?
21437 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
21438 One fortunate cookie...
21440 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
21441 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
21442 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
21444 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
21445 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
21447 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
21448 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
21450 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
21451 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
21452 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
21453 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
21456 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
21457 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
21458 while you expound your own.
21459 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21461 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
21462 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
21465 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
21467 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
21469 Heisenberg may have been here.
21471 Heisenberg may have slept here.
21473 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
21476 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
21477 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
21478 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
21480 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
21481 how are they supposed to know you care?
21483 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21484 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21487 Truth seen too late.
21490 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21492 Johnson's Corollary:
21493 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21496 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21497 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21498 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21500 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21501 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21502 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21503 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21504 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21505 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21507 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21508 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21509 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21512 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21514 Hell's broken loose.
21517 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21519 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21521 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21524 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21526 Help fight continental drift.
21528 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
21530 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21532 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21534 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21536 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21537 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21538 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21539 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21540 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21541 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21544 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21545 Her loving husband's life to save;
21546 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21547 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21549 But to our modern married fair,
21550 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21551 No stellar recognition's given.
21552 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21554 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21555 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21557 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21559 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21560 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21561 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21562 thousand times before
21563 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21564 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21566 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21570 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21571 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21572 First net.this and net.that,
21573 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21575 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21576 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21577 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21578 For someone trapped in net.news?
21580 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21581 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21583 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21584 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21585 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21586 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21588 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21589 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21590 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21591 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21593 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21594 At whose beckoning history shook.
21595 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21596 So I stay at home with a book.
21599 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21600 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21601 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21602 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21603 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21604 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21605 important electrical lesson.
21607 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21608 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21609 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21610 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21611 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21612 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21613 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21615 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21616 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21617 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21619 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21621 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21622 if you're alive, it isn't.
21624 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21625 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21626 marketing anxiety in China.
21628 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21629 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21631 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21633 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21634 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21635 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21636 satiric vistas do not open up.
21637 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21639 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21640 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21643 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21645 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21646 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21647 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21649 Here there by tygers.
21651 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21652 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21653 around as if you're going to fall.
21654 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
21656 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21657 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21661 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21663 He's been like a father to me,
21664 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21665 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21666 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21671 He's got the heart of a little child,
21672 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21674 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21676 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21678 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21679 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21682 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21683 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21685 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21687 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21688 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21690 Hewett's Observation:
21691 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21692 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21693 peers similarly engaged.
21695 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21696 To get a little more stack;
21697 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21698 And have to pop all the way back.
21700 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21701 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21703 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21704 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21705 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21706 these words were spoken.
21708 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21709 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21712 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21713 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21715 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21716 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21717 leave your name and message after the beep...
21719 Hi! How are things going?
21720 (just fine, thank you...)
21721 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21722 (you just asked one...)
21723 Well, how about one more?
21724 (one more than the first one?)
21726 (you already asked that...)
21727 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21728 May I ask two questions, sir?
21730 May I ask ONE then?
21732 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21734 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21735 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21736 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21737 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21739 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21740 (go right ahead...)
21742 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21743 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21744 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21745 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21746 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21747 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21748 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21749 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21751 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21752 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21753 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21755 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21756 You wanna help on the audit now?
21758 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21759 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21760 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21762 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21763 The mice ran up the clock,
21764 The clock struck one,
21765 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21767 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21771 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21773 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21774 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21775 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21776 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21777 We buried him today because
21778 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21779 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21780 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21781 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21786 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
21787 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
21788 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
21790 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21791 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21793 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21795 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21796 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21798 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21799 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21800 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21801 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21802 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21803 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21804 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21805 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21806 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21807 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21808 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21809 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21810 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21811 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21812 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21814 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21817 A California innovation composed
21818 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21820 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21822 Hildebrant's Principle:
21823 If you don't know where you are going,
21824 any road will get you there.
21826 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21827 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21828 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21829 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21832 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21835 Hindsight is an exact science.
21838 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21839 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21840 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21841 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21842 of zoology is full of surprises.
21843 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21845 Hire the morally handicapped.
21847 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21848 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21849 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21851 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21854 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21855 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21857 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21858 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21859 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21860 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21861 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21862 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21863 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21864 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21865 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21866 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21867 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21868 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21869 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21871 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21872 money, he went to Southern California.
21874 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21876 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21879 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21881 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21884 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21886 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21887 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21888 continues to this day.
21891 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
21893 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
21894 of the Mexican revolution:
21896 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
21897 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
21898 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
21899 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
21900 army where he was then executed."
21902 History is curious stuff
21903 You'd think by now we had enough
21904 Yet the fact remains I fear
21905 They make more of it every year.
21907 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
21908 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
21911 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
21913 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
21914 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
21916 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
21918 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
21919 time as bedroom farce.
21921 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
21923 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
21924 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
21925 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
21926 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
21927 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
21928 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
21930 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
21931 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
21932 Pour my black old coffee longer,
21933 While that smell is gettin' stronger
21934 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
21936 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
21937 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
21938 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
21939 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
21940 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
21942 And let me halfway fall in love,
21943 For part of a lonely night,
21944 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21945 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
21946 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
21947 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21950 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
21951 The stapler runs out of staples
21952 only while you are trying to staple something.
21954 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
21955 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
21956 used against the coloured.
21957 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21960 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
21961 they will find an easier way to do it.
21963 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
21964 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
21966 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
21967 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
21968 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
21969 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
21970 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
21971 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
21972 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
21973 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
21974 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
21975 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
21976 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
21977 exist in a more fundamental sense.
21979 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
21980 Inside every large problem is a small
21981 problem struggling to get out.
21983 Hodie natus est radici frater.
21985 Hoffer's Discovery:
21986 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
21987 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
21990 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
21991 Hofstadter's Law into account.
21993 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
21994 Take a shot every time:
21996 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
21997 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
21998 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
21999 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22000 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22001 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22002 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22003 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22004 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22005 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22006 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22007 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22008 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22009 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22010 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22011 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22012 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22013 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22014 plan is impossible.
22015 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22018 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22020 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22023 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22024 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22026 Tune in again tomorrow:
22027 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22031 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22032 they have to take you in.
22033 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22035 Home is where the hurt is.
22037 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22038 cage is to a cockatoo.
22039 -- George Bernard Shaw
22041 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22042 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22045 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22047 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22050 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22053 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22055 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22058 Honesty's the best policy.
22059 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22062 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22065 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22067 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22069 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22072 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22073 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
22074 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22075 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22077 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22080 Hope is a waking dream.
22083 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22086 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22088 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22091 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22092 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22095 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22096 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22098 Horngren's Observation:
22099 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22101 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22104 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22107 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22109 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22111 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22112 had towels from my house.
22115 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22118 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22119 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22121 Housework can kill you if done right.
22124 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22127 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22128 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22130 How can you be in two places at once
22131 when you're not anywhere at all?
22133 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
22136 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22137 -- Charles de Gaulle
22139 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22142 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22143 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22144 in the waking state?
22147 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22150 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22152 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22154 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22155 claim they'll make you?
22157 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22159 How come we never talk anymore?
22161 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22163 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22164 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22167 How could they think women a recreation?
22168 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22169 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22170 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22171 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22172 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22173 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22174 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22175 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22176 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22177 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22178 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22179 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22180 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22181 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22183 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22184 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22185 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22186 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22187 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22188 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22189 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22190 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22191 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22192 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22193 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22194 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22195 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22196 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22197 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22198 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22200 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22202 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22205 How doth the little crocodile
22206 Improve his shining tail,
22207 And pour the waters of the Nile
22208 On every golden scale!
22210 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22211 How neatly spreads his claws,
22212 And welcomes little fishes in,
22213 With gently smiling jaws!
22214 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
22216 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22217 Improve its object code.
22218 And even as we speak does it
22219 Increase the system load.
22221 How patiently it seems to run
22222 And spit out error flags,
22223 While users, with frustration, all
22224 Tear all their clothes to rags.
22226 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22227 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22228 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22230 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22232 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22233 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22235 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22236 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22238 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22239 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22240 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22241 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22242 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22243 cheese!" and so on.
22244 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22246 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22248 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22249 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22251 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22253 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22255 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22257 How much does she love you?
22258 Less than you'll ever know.
22260 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22261 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22262 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22264 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22266 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22268 How often I found where I should be going
22269 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22270 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22272 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22274 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22277 How to become a sysop:
22278 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22279 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22280 worked a full day in my life since then.
22283 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22284 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22286 How untasteful can you get?
22288 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22290 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22291 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22293 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22294 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22296 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22297 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22300 How you look depends on where you go.
22303 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22305 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22306 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22309 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22310 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22311 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22312 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22313 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22314 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22315 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22316 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22317 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22318 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22319 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22320 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22321 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22322 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22323 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22324 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22325 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22326 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22327 in the name of "conservatism."
22328 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22330 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22331 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22332 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22333 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22334 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22335 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22336 -- Albuquerque Journal
22339 Don't take life too seriously;
22340 you won't get out of it alive.
22342 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22344 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22349 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22351 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22352 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22353 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22354 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22355 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22356 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22358 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22359 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22361 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22364 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22365 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22369 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22372 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22373 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22375 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22377 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22380 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22383 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22384 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22385 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22386 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22387 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22388 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22389 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22390 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22391 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22393 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22395 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22396 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22397 All the king's horses,
22398 And all the king's men,
22399 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22401 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22403 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22404 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22405 to... to... uh.....
22407 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22408 time, turns into people.
22412 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22413 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22415 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22416 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22418 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22420 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22422 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
22423 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
22425 -- Norman Augustine
22427 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
22428 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
22429 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
22430 terrifies people the most.
22433 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
22436 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
22439 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
22440 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
22442 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
22443 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
22444 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
22445 -- Richard M. Nixon
22447 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
22448 -- Richard M. Nixon
22450 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
22451 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
22452 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
22454 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
22457 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
22458 It is never any good to oneself.
22459 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
22461 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
22462 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
22464 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
22465 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
22466 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
22468 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
22471 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
22472 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
22473 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
22474 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
22475 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
22476 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
22477 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22478 And a cow. And a cow.
22480 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
22481 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
22482 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
22483 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
22484 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
22485 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
22486 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22487 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22488 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22490 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22491 person, you will not sell me another book.
22494 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22496 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22497 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22498 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22500 I am a deeply superficial person.
22503 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22507 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22508 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22510 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22511 computer to be running Win98.
22512 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22514 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22515 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22516 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22518 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22519 -- Winston Churchill
22521 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22522 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22523 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22524 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22526 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22528 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22529 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22530 is to suffer for others.
22533 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22534 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22535 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22536 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22538 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22539 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22541 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22542 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22543 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22546 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22547 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22548 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22549 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22550 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22551 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22553 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22554 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22556 I am looking for a honest man.
22557 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22559 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22564 -- Richard M. Nixon
22566 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22569 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22570 -- William Allen White
22572 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22575 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22578 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22579 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
22581 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22582 -- English Professor
22584 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22585 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22586 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22587 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22590 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22591 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22592 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22594 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22595 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22596 -- Winston Churchill
22598 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22599 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22600 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22602 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22603 with an option to buy.
22605 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22607 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22609 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22612 I am two with nature.
22615 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22616 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22619 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22620 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22621 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22622 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22623 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22625 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22626 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22627 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22628 they don't even invite me.
22631 I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
22632 thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
22633 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
22635 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22636 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22637 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22638 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22639 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22640 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22641 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22643 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22644 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22652 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22655 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22656 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22657 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22658 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22659 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22660 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22661 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22662 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22663 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22664 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22665 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22666 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22668 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22670 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22671 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22674 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22675 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22676 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22677 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22678 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22679 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22680 the people who might elect him.
22683 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22684 -- G. K. Chesterton
22686 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22689 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22690 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22691 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22693 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22694 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22695 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22698 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22701 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22704 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22705 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22706 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22708 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22709 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22710 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22711 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22712 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22714 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22715 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22716 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22718 I brake for chezlogs!
22720 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22721 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22722 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22723 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22724 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22725 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22726 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22727 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22728 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22729 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22730 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22731 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22732 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22733 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22734 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22737 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22740 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22741 They're still living in the fifties.
22744 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22746 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22747 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22748 -- The Firesign Theatre
22750 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22752 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22753 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22754 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22758 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22759 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22761 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22764 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22765 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22768 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22770 I can relate to that.
22772 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22773 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22777 I can resist anything but temptation.
22779 I can see him a'comin'
22780 With his big boots on,
22781 With his big thumb out,
22782 He wants to get me.
22783 He wants to hurt me.
22784 He wants to bring me down.
22785 But some time later,
22786 When I feel a little straighter,
22787 I'll come across a stranger
22788 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22789 And then.... I'll run him over.
22790 Pretty smart on my part!
22791 To find my way... In the dark!
22794 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22795 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22798 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22801 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22802 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22804 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22805 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22806 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22808 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22809 If it be man's work I will do it.
22811 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22813 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22814 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22815 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22816 United States would have lost World War II."
22817 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22819 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22822 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22823 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22825 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22828 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22829 -- Florence Henderson
22831 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22834 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22835 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22836 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22837 Your Socks Outside-in
22838 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22839 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22840 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22841 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22842 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22843 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22845 I can't mate in captivity.
22846 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22848 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22849 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22852 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22853 -- Albert Anastasia
22855 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22856 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22857 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22858 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22861 I can't understand it.
22862 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22863 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22865 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22866 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22869 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22870 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22873 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22874 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22878 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22879 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22880 -- Michael Prichard
22882 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22883 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22886 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22887 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22888 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
22890 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
22891 dance with the cows till you come home.
22894 I could never learn to like her --
22895 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
22898 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
22900 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
22901 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
22904 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
22906 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
22907 I should have to believe in it in this one.
22910 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
22913 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
22914 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
22917 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
22919 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
22921 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
22922 The curtain was up.
22924 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
22925 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
22927 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
22928 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
22929 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
22930 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
22931 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22933 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
22934 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
22935 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22937 I do desire we may be better strangers.
22938 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
22940 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
22942 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
22943 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
22944 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
22945 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
22946 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
22947 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
22949 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
22951 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
22952 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
22953 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
22956 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
22957 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
22958 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
22959 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
22960 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
22961 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
22962 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
22963 Cardinals backed down and played.
22965 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
22968 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
22969 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
22972 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
22973 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
22975 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
22976 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
22977 comes nearest to it of any.
22978 -- Henry David Thoreau
22980 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
22981 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
22984 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
22985 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
22986 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
22987 devote it to research in mathematics.
22988 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
22990 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
22991 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
22995 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
22998 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
22999 don't believe in astrology.
23000 -- James R. F. Quirk
23002 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23003 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23006 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23007 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23008 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23010 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23011 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23012 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23013 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23015 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23016 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23018 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23021 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23025 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23026 deserve that either.
23029 I don't do it for the money.
23030 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23032 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23035 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23036 -- Katherine Cebrian
23038 I don't get no respect.
23040 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23041 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23043 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23044 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23046 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23047 highly trained certified public accountants.
23050 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23051 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23052 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23054 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23055 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23058 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23061 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23062 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23065 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23066 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23069 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23070 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23072 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23074 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23075 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23078 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23080 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23081 with Dutch Schultz.
23083 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23084 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23085 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23088 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23091 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23092 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23095 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23098 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23099 streets and frighten the horses.
23102 I don't need no arms around me...
23103 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23104 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23105 Don't think I need anything at all.
23106 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23107 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23108 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23109 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23111 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23113 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23115 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23116 he starts to practice law.
23117 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23120 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23121 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23122 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23124 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23126 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23127 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23128 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
23130 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23131 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23133 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23134 you human beings don't."
23137 I don't understand you anymore.
23139 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23140 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23142 I don't want a pickle,
23143 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23144 And I don't want to die,
23145 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23148 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23151 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23152 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23155 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23156 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23157 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23158 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23159 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23160 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23161 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23164 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23166 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23169 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23171 I dote on his very absence.
23172 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23174 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23176 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23177 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23178 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23179 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23180 -- George Bernard Shaw
23182 I drink to make other people interesting.
23183 -- George Jean Nathan
23185 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23187 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23189 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23191 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23193 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23195 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23196 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23197 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23199 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23200 honest difference of opinion.
23203 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23204 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23207 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23208 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23211 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23213 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23216 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23217 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23220 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23221 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23222 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23223 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23225 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23226 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23227 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23228 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23230 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23231 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23232 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23233 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23235 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
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23236 minutes of my life!
23238 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23241 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23244 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23245 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23246 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23247 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23249 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23250 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23251 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23252 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23255 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23256 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23258 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23261 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23264 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23265 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23266 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23269 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23273 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23276 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23277 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23278 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23279 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23280 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23281 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23282 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23285 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23288 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23289 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23291 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23292 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23293 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23294 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23296 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23298 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23299 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23300 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23301 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23303 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23304 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23305 win -- or even how you won.
23308 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23309 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23312 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23313 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23314 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23315 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23317 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23320 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23321 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23322 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23324 I had a dream last night...
23325 I dreamt about 1976.
23326 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23327 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23328 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23329 so I went back to sleep again.
23330 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23332 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23333 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23334 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23335 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23336 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23337 dinner and I let it go.
23338 -- Winston Churchill
23340 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23341 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23345 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23346 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23347 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23349 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23350 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23354 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23355 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23356 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23357 power to make things different is a bitch.
23360 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23361 so I took his shoes.
23364 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23365 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23368 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23369 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
23372 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23374 I hate babies. They're so human.
23380 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23381 it's going to be up all night.
23384 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23385 and I know how bad I am.
23389 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23391 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23392 there's nothing else to do.
23395 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23396 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23399 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23400 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23401 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23402 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23403 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23404 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23405 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23406 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23407 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23410 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23411 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23412 and just keeps on typing.
23415 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23416 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
23417 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
23418 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23420 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
23421 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
23422 I just... to make a long story short..."
23425 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
23426 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
23428 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
23429 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
23433 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
23434 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
23435 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
23436 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
23438 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
23439 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
23440 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
23441 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
23442 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
23444 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
23445 I spent last summer folding it.
23446 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
23449 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
23452 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
23453 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
23454 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
23457 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
23459 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
23460 but I can't prove it.
23462 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
23465 I have a very strange feeling about this...
23468 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
23469 sacrifice my wife's brother.
23472 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
23473 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
23474 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
23476 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
23479 I have become me without my consent.
23481 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
23482 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
23483 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
23485 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23487 -- George Bernard Shaw
23489 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23490 to sit still in a room.
23493 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23494 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23495 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23497 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23498 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23499 support of the woman I love.
23500 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
23501 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23502 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
23504 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23505 most of them are trash.
23508 I have gained this by philosophy:
23509 that I do without being commanded what others
23510 do only from fear of the law.
23513 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23516 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23517 of a prostate operation.
23518 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23520 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23523 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23524 I do believe that is a record.
23525 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23527 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23528 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23529 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23530 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23531 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23532 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23533 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23536 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23537 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23541 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23542 Which still grates on
23543 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23546 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23547 None of them is worth anything.
23548 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23549 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23550 The price of half a gallon
23552 And most of the bus fare home.
23554 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23555 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23556 -- James Gordon Bennett
23558 I have made this letter longer than usual
23559 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23562 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23564 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23566 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23568 I have never been one to sacrifice
23569 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23570 -- A. M. Readyhough
23572 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23575 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23578 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23579 gone in two years. He was half right.
23580 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23582 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23585 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23586 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23590 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23591 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23594 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23595 As seas of ink I spatter.
23596 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23597 The other kind don't matter.
23598 -- Robert W. Service
23600 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23601 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23602 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23603 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23605 I have not yet begun to byte!
23607 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23610 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23611 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23612 be blockhead enough to have me.
23615 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23618 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23621 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23622 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23623 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23624 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23625 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23626 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23627 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23628 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23629 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23630 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23631 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23632 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23633 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23634 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23635 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23636 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23637 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23638 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23639 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23640 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23641 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
23642 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23643 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23644 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23645 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23647 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23648 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23650 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23652 I have that old biological urge,
23653 I have that old irresistible surge,
23656 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23659 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23660 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23662 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23665 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23666 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23667 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23668 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23669 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23670 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23671 science of data processing), c. 1957
23673 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23674 -- John D. Rockefeller
23676 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23677 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23680 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23682 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23684 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23685 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23687 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23689 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23690 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23691 more than he knows.
23692 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23694 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23695 -- Thomas Jefferson
23697 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23698 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23699 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23700 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23702 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23703 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23704 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23705 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23707 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23709 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23710 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23712 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23715 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23719 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23720 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23721 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23722 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23723 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23725 I just got out of the hospital after a
23726 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23729 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23732 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23735 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23736 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23737 -- Arturo Toscanini
23739 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23740 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23742 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23743 If I could just remember what it was.
23745 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23746 take one along that worked.
23747 -- Raymond Chandler
23749 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23750 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23751 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23752 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23753 But don't you get square!
23754 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23755 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23757 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23759 I know not how I came into this,
23760 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23763 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23764 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23767 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23770 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23771 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23774 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23775 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23776 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23778 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23779 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23782 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23783 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23784 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23785 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23786 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23787 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23789 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23790 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23793 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23794 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23796 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23798 I lately lost a preposition;
23799 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23800 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23801 Up from out of under there."
23803 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23804 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23805 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23806 Up from out of under for?"
23809 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23810 Waitin' for the double E.
23811 The railroad don't run no more.
23812 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23813 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23814 These young girls won't let me be,
23815 Lord have mercy on me!
23818 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23819 Well, I ain't naming names.
23820 But she really worked me over good,
23821 She was just like Jesse James.
23822 She really worked me over good,
23823 She was a credit to her gender.
23824 She put me through some changes, boy,
23825 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23827 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23828 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23829 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23830 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23831 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23833 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23834 didn't is just lyin'!
23837 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23840 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23841 that kidnaped Europa.
23842 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23844 I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
23845 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23847 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23848 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23849 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23850 the way and let them have it.
23851 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23853 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23855 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23858 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23860 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23862 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23863 to bite people themselves.
23864 -- August Strindberg
23866 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23867 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23870 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23871 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23874 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23875 someone takes them away.
23878 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23879 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23881 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23884 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23887 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23888 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
23889 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
23891 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
23892 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
23894 I love to eat them Smurfies
23895 Smurfies what I love to eat
23896 Bite they ugly heads off,
23897 Nibble on they bluish feet.
23899 I love treason but hate a traitor.
23900 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
23902 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
23905 I love you, not only for what you are,
23906 but for what I am when I am with you.
23909 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
23910 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
23912 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
23914 I married beneath me. All women do.
23915 -- Lady Nancy Astor
23917 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
23918 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
23920 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
23922 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
23924 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
23927 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
23928 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23930 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
23931 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
23933 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
23934 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
23937 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
23941 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
23942 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
23943 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
23945 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
23946 -- Alexander Woollcott
23948 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
23949 week sometimes to make it up.
23950 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
23952 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
23954 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
23955 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
23956 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
23957 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
23960 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
23961 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
23962 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
23963 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
23964 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
23966 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
23967 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
23969 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
23971 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
23974 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
23975 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
23979 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
23980 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
23981 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
23983 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
23984 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
23987 I never did it that way before.
23989 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
23990 places they do today.
23993 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
23994 could do was to go away.
23996 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
23999 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24002 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24005 I never made a mistake in my life.
24006 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24009 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24010 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24012 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24014 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24016 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24017 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24019 I never saw a purple cow
24020 I never hope to see one
24021 But I can tell you anyhow
24022 I'd rather see than be one.
24025 I've never seen a purple cow
24026 I never hope to see one
24027 But from the milk we're getting now
24028 There certainly must be one
24031 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24032 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24033 But I can tell you anyhow
24034 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24035 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24037 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24039 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24042 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24043 -- George Bernard Shaw
24045 I only know what I read in the papers.
24048 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24049 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24051 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24052 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24053 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24054 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24055 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24056 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24057 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24058 -- Letters From Colette
24061 It's off to work I go...
24063 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24067 I owe the public nothing.
24070 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24071 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24072 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24073 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24074 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24075 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24077 -- Thomas Jefferson
24079 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24080 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24081 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24082 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24083 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24084 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24086 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24088 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24089 of the United States of America
24090 and to the republic for which it stands,
24094 and justice for all.
24095 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24097 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24100 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24102 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24103 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24105 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24108 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24111 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24112 -- William F. Buckley
24114 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24115 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24118 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24119 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24120 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24121 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24122 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24123 aspire to crudeness.
24124 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24126 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24129 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24130 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24131 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24132 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24134 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24135 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24138 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24139 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24141 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24144 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24145 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24146 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24147 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24150 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24151 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24152 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24153 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24154 write about, such as nose-picking.
24155 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24158 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24159 -- Marilyn Chambers
24161 I really hate this damned machine
24162 I wish that they would sell it.
24163 It never does quite what I want
24164 But only what I tell it.
24166 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24167 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24168 something of what has been passing in their time.
24169 -- Thomas Jefferson
24171 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24172 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24173 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24176 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24177 believing that some men are my equals.
24180 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24182 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24183 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24184 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24185 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24186 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24187 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24188 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24189 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24192 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24193 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24194 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24196 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24200 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24201 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24204 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24207 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24208 woman should marry -- and no man.
24209 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24211 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24212 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24213 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24214 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24215 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24216 if they don't get it.
24219 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24220 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24222 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24223 'Round and round they sped.
24224 I was disturbed at this,
24225 I accosted the man,
24226 "It is futile," I said.
24228 "You lie!" He cried,
24232 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24235 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24236 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24239 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24241 I see a bad moon rising.
24242 I see trouble on the way.
24243 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24244 I see bad times today.
24245 Don't go 'round tonight,
24246 It's bound to take your life.
24247 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24248 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24250 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24251 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24254 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24255 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24256 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24257 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24258 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24260 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24261 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24262 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24263 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24265 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24266 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24267 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24268 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24269 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24270 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24271 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24272 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24273 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24274 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24276 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24277 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24279 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24280 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24282 "Through the Looking-Glass,
24283 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
24285 I sent a message to another time,
24286 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24287 I sent a message to another plane,
24288 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24290 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24291 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24292 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24293 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24294 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24295 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24297 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24298 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24299 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24300 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24301 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24303 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24304 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24306 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24308 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24309 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24310 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24311 that matters, but victory.
24314 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
24315 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24319 -- graffito in San Francisco
24321 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24322 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24325 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24326 most western countries.
24331 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24332 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24335 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24340 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24342 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24343 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24345 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24346 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
24348 I stood on the leading edge,
24349 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24350 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24351 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24352 Go on and give it a try,
24353 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24354 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24356 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24357 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24360 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
24363 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24364 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24365 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24366 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24368 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24370 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24371 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24372 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24373 That needs a helping hand,
24374 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24375 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24377 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24378 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24379 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24380 are worth considering, to wit:
24383 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24384 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24387 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24388 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24389 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
24393 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
24396 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24397 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24398 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24399 are worth considering, to wit:
24402 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
24403 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
24404 a U-turn on a divided highway."
24407 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
24408 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
24409 traveling more than 60 MPH."
24411 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24412 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24413 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24414 are worth considering, to wit:
24417 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
24418 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
24421 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
24422 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
24423 a 5' parking space."
24426 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
24427 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
24429 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
24430 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
24432 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
24433 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
24434 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
24436 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
24437 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
24438 munchies, and ate the other half.
24440 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
24441 bottle stuck up my nose.
24442 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24444 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
24445 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
24447 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
24448 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
24449 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
24450 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24452 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
24453 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
24454 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
24455 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24457 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
24460 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
24461 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
24464 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
24465 -- William Shakespeare
24467 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
24468 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
24470 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
24471 because I couldn't remember the proof.
24472 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
24474 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
24475 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24477 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
24479 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
24480 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
24481 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
24483 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
24484 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
24485 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
24486 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24487 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24490 I think that I shall never hear
24491 A poem lovelier than beer.
24492 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24493 With golden base and snowy cap.
24494 The stuff that I can drink all day
24495 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24496 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24497 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24499 I think that I shall never see
24500 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24501 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24502 I'll never see a tree at all.
24505 I think that I shall never see
24506 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24507 But as you see the trees have gone
24508 They went this morning with the dawn.
24509 A logging firm from out of town
24510 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24511 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24512 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks."
24514 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24515 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24516 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24517 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24518 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24519 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24520 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24521 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24522 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24523 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24525 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24526 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24529 I think the world is run by C students.
24532 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24533 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24534 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24536 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24537 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24538 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24540 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24542 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24544 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24545 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
24547 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24549 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24551 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24554 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24555 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24556 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24557 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24558 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24559 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24560 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24561 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24563 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24565 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24566 -- The Firesign Theatre
24568 I think we're in trouble.
24571 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24572 except for the one about my mental instability.
24573 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
24575 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24576 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24577 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24578 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24579 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24580 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24581 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24582 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24583 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24584 She sent one from some past high school day,
24585 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24586 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24587 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24588 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24589 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24590 If you were not so totally weird!"
24591 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24592 And he had not done just the same,
24593 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24594 And would not have had fun with the game.
24596 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24598 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24600 -- The Firesign Theatre,
24601 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24603 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24605 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24606 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24607 -- Winston Churchill
24609 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24610 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24614 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24615 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24617 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24619 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24620 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24621 and drown myself in the noise.
24622 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24624 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24625 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24627 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24630 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24631 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24633 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24634 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24635 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24637 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24638 I never have to go upstairs.
24640 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24641 front of it in only eight minutes.
24644 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24647 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24650 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24653 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24654 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24655 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24656 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24657 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24658 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24662 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24664 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24667 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24670 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24671 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24672 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24673 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24674 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24675 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24676 No more, Mr. Clean,
24677 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24678 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24680 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24681 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24682 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24683 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24684 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24686 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24687 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24689 I used to have a drinking problem.
24690 Now I love the stuff.
24692 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24693 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24695 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24696 like I'm the only one moving.
24698 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24699 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24700 to be out that long."
24702 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24703 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24706 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24707 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24708 more mature than I am.
24710 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24712 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24713 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24714 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24717 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24718 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24721 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24725 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24726 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24727 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24728 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24732 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24734 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24735 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24737 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24738 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24740 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24742 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24745 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24747 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24748 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24749 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24750 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24751 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24752 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24754 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24756 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24757 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24760 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24761 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24762 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24766 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24767 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24768 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24769 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24772 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24773 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24774 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24775 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24776 get off my driveway.
24779 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24780 With a lady in St. Louie,
24781 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24782 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24783 Roll this rocker out some money,
24784 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24787 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24788 I said I didn't know.
24791 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24792 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24793 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24794 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24795 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24796 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24797 that all the time."
24798 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24800 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24801 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24804 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24805 permitted me to function effectively.
24808 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24809 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24810 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24811 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24812 avoiding the beach.
24813 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24815 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24816 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24819 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24820 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24821 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24822 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24823 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24824 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24825 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24826 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24827 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24828 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24829 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24831 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24832 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24833 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24834 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24836 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24837 full house and four people died.
24840 I was the best I ever had.
24843 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24846 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24847 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24848 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24849 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24850 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24852 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24855 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24858 I went home with a waitress,
24859 The way I always do.
24860 How I was I to know?
24861 She was with the Russians too.
24863 I was gambling in Havana,
24864 I took a little risk.
24865 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24866 Dad, get me out of this.
24867 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
24869 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
24872 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
24873 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
24877 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
24878 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
24879 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
24880 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
24881 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
24882 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
24883 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
24884 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
24885 program to the point where it would not run at all.
24886 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
24887 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
24889 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
24890 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
24892 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
24893 As if you just squashed a cop.
24894 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
24896 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
24900 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
24901 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
24902 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
24904 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
24908 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
24909 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
24910 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
24911 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
24913 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
24914 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
24916 There was a computer in every doorknob.
24919 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
24920 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
24922 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
24924 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
24925 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
24929 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
24930 statues that are in all the other museums.
24933 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
24934 it took seven others to beat him!
24936 I will always love the false image I had of you.
24938 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
24939 but not into it if I can help it.
24940 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
24942 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
24943 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
24944 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
24945 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
24946 writing on this stone!
24949 I will make you shorter by the head.
24952 I will never lie to you.
24954 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
24958 I will not get drunk!
24960 I will not in public!
24962 I will not fall down!
24964 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
24966 I will not forget you.
24968 I will not play at tug o' war.
24969 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
24970 Where everyone hugs
24972 Where everyone giggles
24973 And rolls on the rug,
24974 Where everyone kisses,
24975 And everyone grins,
24976 And everyone cuddles,
24978 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
24980 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
24984 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
24985 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
24988 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
24990 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24992 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
24993 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
24997 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
24999 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25001 I woke up a feelin' mean
25002 went down to play the slot machine
25003 the wheels turned round,
25004 and the letters read
25005 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25008 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25009 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25010 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25011 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25014 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25015 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25016 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25017 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25020 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25021 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
25023 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25024 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25027 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25028 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25029 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25030 after we've been home a long while.
25033 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25034 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25037 I would have made a good pope.
25038 -- Richard M. Nixon
25040 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25041 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25042 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25045 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25046 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25047 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25048 forget or do not know.
25049 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25051 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25052 referring to image activation and termination.]
25054 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25055 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25056 our tasks will be solved.
25057 -- Warren G. Harding
25059 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
25060 with income tax policies.
25061 -- William F. Buckley
25063 I would like to know
25064 What I was fencing in
25065 And what I was fencing out.
25068 I would much rather have men ask why
25069 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25070 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
25072 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25073 they're being taped.
25074 -- Richard M. Nixon
25076 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25077 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25079 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25080 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25081 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
25083 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25084 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25086 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25088 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25090 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25091 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25092 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25094 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25096 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25097 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25114 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25115 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25116 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25117 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25118 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25119 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25123 Idiots Become Managers
25125 Impossible to Buy Machine
25126 Incredibly Big Machine
25127 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25128 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25129 It Boggles the Mind
25130 It's Better Manually
25131 Itty-Bitty Machines
25133 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25134 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25135 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
25138 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25139 And everywhere this language went,
25140 It was a total loss.
25142 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25144 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25145 Machines should work. People should think.
25147 IBM's original motto:
25148 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25150 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25153 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25155 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25157 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25160 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25161 -- Princess Leia Organa
25163 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25164 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25166 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25168 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25170 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25171 whole field to private industry.
25174 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25177 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25180 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25183 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25185 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25188 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25191 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25192 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25194 I'd never cry if I did find
25195 A blue whale in my soup...
25196 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25197 Inside a chicken coop.
25198 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25199 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25200 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25201 They've put acid in my rain.
25204 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25207 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25208 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25211 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25213 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25215 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25218 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25220 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25223 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25225 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25226 Than cry with the saints,
25227 The sinners are much more fun!
25228 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25230 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25232 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25233 solitary confinement.
25235 Identify your visitor.
25238 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25239 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25240 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25243 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25244 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25245 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25248 Leisure gone to seed.
25250 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25252 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25253 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25254 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25255 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25256 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25258 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25261 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25262 at about 30 miles/second.
25263 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25265 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25268 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
25269 is a camel's behind.
25270 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25272 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25274 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25275 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25277 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25278 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25281 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25284 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25285 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25288 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25289 really a guru at all?
25290 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25292 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
25293 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
25294 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25296 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25297 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25298 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25299 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25301 If a listener nods his head when you're
25302 explaining your program, wake him up.
25304 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25305 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25307 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25310 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25311 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25313 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25314 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25315 -- Albert Schweitzer
25317 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25318 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25319 it might well prolong his life.
25320 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25322 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25323 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25324 -- Thomas Jefferson
25326 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25327 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25328 will lose that, too.
25329 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25331 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25332 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25333 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25334 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25336 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25338 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
25339 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
25340 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
25341 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25344 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25345 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25348 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25349 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25350 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25352 If a system is administered wisely,
25353 its users will be content.
25354 They enjoy hacking their code
25355 and don't waste time implementing
25356 labor-saving shell scripts.
25357 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25358 they aren't interested in other machines.
25359 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25360 but these don't access any hosts.
25361 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25362 but nobody ever uses them.
25363 People enjoy reading their mail,
25364 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
25365 spend weekends working at their terminals,
25366 delight in the doings at the site.
25367 And even though the next system is so close
25368 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
25369 they are content to die of old age
25370 without ever having gone to see it.
25372 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
25373 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
25374 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
25375 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
25376 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
25379 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
25380 -- G. K. Chesterton
25382 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
25385 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
25387 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
25388 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
25389 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
25392 If all be true that I do think,
25393 There be five reasons why one should drink;
25394 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
25395 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
25396 Or any other reason why.
25398 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
25399 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
25401 If all else fails, lower your standards.
25403 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
25405 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
25406 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
25407 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
25409 If all the seas were ink,
25410 And all the reeds were pens,
25411 And all the skies were parchment,
25412 And all the men could write,
25413 These would not suffice
25414 To write down all the red tape
25415 Of this Government.
25417 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
25420 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
25421 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
25424 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
25425 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
25426 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
25427 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
25428 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
25429 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
25430 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
25431 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
25432 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
25434 If an S and an I and an O and a U
25435 With an X at the end spell Su;
25436 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
25437 Pray what is a speller to do?
25438 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
25439 And an HED spell side,
25440 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
25441 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
25442 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
25444 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
25445 car he ever lays down in front of.
25448 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
25449 let him become president of Harvard.
25452 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
25453 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
25454 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
25455 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
25457 If anything can go wrong, it will.
25459 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
25461 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25463 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
25465 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
25467 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25469 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25472 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25473 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
25476 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
25478 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
25480 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
25481 -- Leonard Levinson
25483 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
25485 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
25486 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
25487 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
25488 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
25489 plentiful as blackberries.
25492 If bankers can count, how come they have
25493 eight windows and only four tellers?
25495 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25496 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25497 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25499 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25500 but illegal purposes.
25503 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25505 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25508 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25512 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25514 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25518 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25520 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25522 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25523 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25525 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25527 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25528 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25530 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25532 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25533 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25534 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25536 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25537 around a deal faster.
25538 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll,
25539 "Through the Looking-Glass,
25540 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
25542 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25544 If everything on the road of life seems to
25545 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25547 If everything seems to be going well,
25548 you have obviously overlooked something.
25550 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25551 -- Bertrand Russell
25553 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25555 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25556 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25557 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25558 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25559 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25560 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25563 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25564 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25566 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25569 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25571 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25573 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25575 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25577 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25579 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25581 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25582 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25584 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25586 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25587 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25589 If God had really intended men to fly,
25590 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25593 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25594 have made them cute and furry.
25597 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25600 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25601 He would have given you bigger hands.
25603 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25604 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25606 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25608 If God is One, what is bad?
25611 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25613 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25616 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25619 If God wanted us to have a President,
25620 He would have sent us a candidate.
25621 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25623 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25624 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25626 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25629 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25630 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25632 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25633 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25634 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25635 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25637 If he should ever change his faith,
25638 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25640 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25641 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25643 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25646 If I could read your mind, love,
25647 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25648 Just like a paperback novel,
25649 The kind the drugstore sells,
25650 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25651 The hero would be me,
25653 You won't read that book again, because
25654 the ending is just too hard to take.
25656 I walk away, like a movie star,
25657 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25659 A movie queen to play the scene
25660 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25661 But for now, love, let's be real
25662 I never thought I could act this way,
25663 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25664 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25665 And I just can't get it back...
25666 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25668 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25669 I would spill it all over the stage.
25670 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25671 Would you think the boy was strange?
25674 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25675 Suicide right on the stage,
25676 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25677 Would it help to ease the pain?
25679 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25681 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25684 If I don't drive around the park,
25685 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25686 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25687 I may get back my looks again.
25688 If I abstain from fun and such,
25689 I'll probably amount to much;
25690 But I shall stay the way I am,
25691 Because I do not give a damn.
25694 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25696 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25697 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25698 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25699 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25700 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25702 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25704 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25705 got to be a better way.
25706 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25708 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25709 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25710 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25712 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25715 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25716 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25719 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25720 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25722 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25723 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25724 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25725 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25726 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25727 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25728 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25729 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25730 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25731 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25732 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25733 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25734 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25735 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25736 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25737 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25739 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25742 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25743 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25745 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25747 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25748 shoulders of giants.
25751 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25752 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25755 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25759 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25762 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25763 stand on each other's toes.
25766 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25767 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25768 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25771 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25774 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25775 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25776 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25778 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25779 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
25781 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25782 just couldn't help myself.
25785 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25786 -- Alan Parsons Project
25788 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25789 I'm an engineer working on something.
25792 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25794 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25795 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25796 Murphy would be there to tell me
25797 The pot's at the other end.
25800 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25802 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25803 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25806 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25807 because I can't swim.
25810 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25811 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25814 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25816 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25819 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25820 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25822 If in doubt, mumble.
25824 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25826 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25828 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25829 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25831 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25832 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25833 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25835 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25837 If it heals good, say it.
25839 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25840 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25843 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25845 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25848 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25851 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25853 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25855 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
25857 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
25858 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
25860 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
25861 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
25862 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
25863 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
25864 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
25867 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
25869 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
25871 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
25873 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
25875 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
25877 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
25879 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
25880 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
25884 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
25885 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
25886 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
25887 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
25888 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
25889 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
25890 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
25891 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
25893 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
25894 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
25895 -- Karl Marx's Mother
25897 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
25899 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
25901 If life is merely a joke, the question
25902 still remains: for whose amusement?
25904 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
25906 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
25909 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
25910 you've got in the house.
25911 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
25913 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
25916 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
25917 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
25919 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
25922 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
25924 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
25925 -- Mary Wilson Little
25927 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
25928 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
25930 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
25931 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
25934 If men are not afraid to die,
25935 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
25937 If men live in constant fear of dying,
25938 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
25939 Who will dare to break the law?
25941 There is always an official executioner.
25942 If you try to take his place,
25943 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
25944 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
25945 you will only hurt your hand.
25946 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
25948 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
25950 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
25951 be a merrier world.
25952 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
25954 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
25955 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
25956 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
25957 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
25959 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
25960 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
25963 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
25964 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
25965 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
25966 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
25967 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
25968 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
25969 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
25970 get an unfair advantage.
25971 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
25973 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
25976 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
25978 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
25980 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
25983 If only God would give me some clear sign!
25984 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
25985 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
25987 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
25989 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
25991 If only you knew she loved you, you could
25992 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
25994 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
25996 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
25997 -- George Bernard Shaw
25999 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26000 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26002 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26003 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26006 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26007 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26010 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26011 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26013 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26015 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26016 will take sandwiches.
26019 Eats first, morals after.
26020 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26022 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26023 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26026 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26027 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26029 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26031 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26032 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26033 an optional preceding '+').
26036 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26037 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26040 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26041 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26043 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26045 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26047 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26049 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26052 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26054 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26055 Eating components of soured milk.
26056 On at least one occasion,
26057 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26058 Or at least in her vicinity,
26059 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26060 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26061 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26063 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26064 pool cues, who would win?
26067 3) The television viewing public
26070 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26073 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26074 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26075 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26076 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26079 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26083 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26085 Their romance might have flourished.
26086 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26088 Love could not help but die,
26089 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
26091 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26094 If some people didn't tell you,
26095 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26097 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26098 one day, I would have studied harder.
26099 -- Pope John Paul I
26101 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26103 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26104 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26106 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26109 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26110 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26112 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26113 presumably flunk it.
26116 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26117 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26118 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26119 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26121 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26122 this would be a better world.
26123 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26125 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26128 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26129 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26130 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26131 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26132 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26133 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26134 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26135 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26136 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26137 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26138 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26139 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26140 put on a professor.
26141 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26143 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26144 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26145 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26147 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26149 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26152 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26153 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26156 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26158 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26161 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26162 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26164 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26165 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26167 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26168 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26170 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26171 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26173 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26174 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26176 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26178 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26180 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26181 I would have recommended something simpler.
26182 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26183 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26185 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26186 the lives of both have been wasted.
26188 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26189 then this sentence would not be false.
26191 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26192 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26195 If the odds are a million to one against something
26196 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26198 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26201 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26202 what a living the poor could make!
26204 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26206 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26207 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26210 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26212 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26213 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26214 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26215 paper folding, or something.
26218 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26219 -- Chief Dan George
26221 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26222 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26223 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26224 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26225 -- Reverend Chichester
26227 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26229 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26230 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26232 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26233 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26237 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26238 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
26240 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26241 can't afford divorce.
26244 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26247 If there is no wind, row.
26250 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26251 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26254 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26256 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26257 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26258 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26259 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26261 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26262 something out of you.
26265 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26267 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26268 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26269 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26273 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26274 him because they don't like his necktie.
26275 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26277 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26279 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26281 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26284 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26286 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26289 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26292 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26293 doing the thinking.
26294 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26296 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26298 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26300 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26301 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26302 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26304 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26305 -- Ernest Hemingway
26307 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
26308 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
26310 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26312 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26313 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26315 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26317 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26318 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26320 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26321 all be millionaires.
26322 -- Abigail Van Buren
26324 If we do not change our direction we are
26325 likely to end up where we are headed.
26327 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26330 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26334 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26335 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26336 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26337 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26340 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26341 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26344 If we spoke a different language, we
26345 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26348 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26349 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26352 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26354 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
26357 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
26359 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
26361 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
26363 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
26364 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
26365 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
26366 -- Marguerite Emmons
26368 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
26370 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
26371 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
26372 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
26373 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
26376 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
26377 -- Aristotle Onassis
26379 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
26380 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
26381 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
26384 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
26385 Quit work and play for once!
26387 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
26390 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
26391 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
26393 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
26394 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
26397 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
26400 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
26402 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
26403 good, you will get out of it.
26405 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
26406 your honesty is corrupt.
26408 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
26409 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
26410 -- Abigail Van Buren
26412 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
26413 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
26416 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
26417 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
26419 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
26421 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
26422 by your parents, we will cash your check.
26424 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
26425 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
26428 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
26429 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
26431 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
26433 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
26435 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
26436 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26438 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
26441 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
26442 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
26444 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
26446 If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
26449 If you can read this, you're too close.
26451 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
26453 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
26456 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
26457 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
26458 -- Edwin Schrodinger
26460 If you can't be good, be careful.
26461 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
26463 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
26465 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
26467 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
26469 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
26470 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26472 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
26474 If you catch a man, throw him back.
26475 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
26477 If you continually give you will continually have.
26479 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
26480 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
26482 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
26484 If you didn't have most of your friends,
26485 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
26487 If you didn't have to work so hard,
26488 you'd have more time to be depressed.
26490 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
26493 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
26494 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
26497 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
26499 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26501 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26503 -- Mordecai Richler
26505 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26506 would have happened if you had done it.
26508 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26510 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26512 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26515 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26518 If you don't have the time right now,
26519 will you have redo right time later?
26521 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26522 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26524 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26526 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26528 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26531 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26532 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26534 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26535 Lavoris in the toilet.
26538 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26540 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26541 either of you for the rest of the day.
26543 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26544 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26546 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26547 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
26548 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26549 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
26550 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26551 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26552 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
26553 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26554 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26555 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26556 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26557 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26558 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26559 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26560 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26561 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26562 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26563 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26564 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26567 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26570 If you explain something so clearly that no
26571 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26573 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26575 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26576 the solution may become your next problem.
26578 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26580 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26581 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26582 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26584 If you fool around with something long
26585 enough, it will eventually break.
26587 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26589 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26590 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26591 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26593 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26594 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26595 -- Winston Churchill
26597 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26598 so as not to disturb those around you.
26600 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26601 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26605 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26607 If you had better tools, you could more
26608 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26610 If you had just one moment to live
26611 And they granted you one special wish
26612 Would you ask for something
26613 Like another chance.
26614 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26616 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26617 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26619 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26621 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26624 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26626 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26627 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26628 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26629 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26630 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26631 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26632 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26633 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26634 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26635 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26637 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26639 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26642 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26644 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26647 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26649 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26651 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26652 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26653 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26656 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26657 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26660 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26661 yourself in the posterior.
26662 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26664 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26666 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26670 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26672 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26675 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26678 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26679 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26682 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26683 365 useless things.
26685 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26688 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26690 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26693 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26694 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26696 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26697 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26700 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26701 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26702 -- Garrison Keillor
26704 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26705 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26707 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26708 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26710 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26711 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26712 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26714 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26715 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26717 If you love someone, set them free.
26718 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26720 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26721 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26723 If you make a mistake you right it
26724 immediately to the best of your ability.
26726 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26727 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26728 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26730 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26731 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26733 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26734 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26737 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
26738 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
26740 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26743 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26744 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26746 If you need anything just whistle.
26747 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26748 Just put your lips together and blow.
26749 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26751 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26752 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26754 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26757 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26758 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26761 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26762 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26765 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26766 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26769 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26770 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26771 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
26773 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26775 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26776 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26777 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26780 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26784 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26785 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26786 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26787 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26788 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26789 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26790 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26793 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26795 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26797 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26798 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26799 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26801 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26803 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26804 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26805 -- Swami Prabhupada
26807 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26810 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26812 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26814 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26815 many it's research.
26818 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26819 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26822 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26823 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26824 Or some joker who is slicker,
26825 Will trick you of your liquor,
26826 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26828 If you stick your head in the sand,
26829 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26831 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26833 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26837 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26838 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26841 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26844 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26846 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26847 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26849 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26850 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26852 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26853 try missing a couple of car payments.
26856 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
26857 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
26860 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
26861 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
26864 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
26867 If you think the system is working,
26868 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
26870 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
26871 shopping center in the world?
26872 -- Richard M. Nixon
26874 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
26875 lack sufficient imagination.
26877 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
26878 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
26879 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
26881 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
26882 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
26883 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
26884 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
26885 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
26887 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
26888 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
26889 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
26890 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
26891 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
26894 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
26895 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
26898 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
26899 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
26900 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
26902 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
26903 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
26905 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
26907 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
26910 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
26911 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
26913 If you want divine justice, die.
26916 If you want me to be a good little bunny
26917 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
26920 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
26923 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
26924 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
26927 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
26929 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
26933 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
26936 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
26938 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
26942 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
26943 -- Harry Blackstone
26945 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
26946 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
26947 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
26948 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
26949 the word "National".
26952 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
26953 you say, talk in your sleep.
26955 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
26956 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
26957 even if they don't know what it means.
26958 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
26960 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
26962 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
26963 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
26966 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
26967 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
26968 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
26969 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
26972 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
26974 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
26976 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
26977 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
26980 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
26981 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
26982 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
26983 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
26984 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
26985 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
26986 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
26987 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
26988 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
26989 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
26992 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
26994 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
26995 -- Benjamin Franklin
26997 If you would understand your own age, read the works
26998 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27000 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27001 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27004 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27006 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27008 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27009 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27010 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27012 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27013 I guess you do have a problem.
27014 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27016 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27018 If your mind grows weak,
27019 Don't yield to the weakness.
27020 Even if tired of thought,
27021 Never stop thinking.
27022 My sons and descendants,
27023 Don't get exhausted in reason--
27024 But become experienced.
27025 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
27027 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27028 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27030 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27032 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27033 longer be fantasies.
27036 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27037 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27040 If you're careful enough, nothing
27041 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27043 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27044 The Olympics are over.
27046 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27047 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27049 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27050 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27052 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27054 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27055 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27057 If you're going to do something tonight
27058 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27061 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27063 If you're happy, you're successful.
27065 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27067 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27068 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27070 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27072 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27073 As well as by traffic and crime,
27074 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27075 Though living on burrowed time.
27076 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27078 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27079 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27080 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27082 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27086 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27087 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27088 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27090 Ignorance is bliss.
27093 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27094 BLISS is ignorance.
27096 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27097 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27098 -- Franklin K. Dane
27100 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27102 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27103 so resolutely pursuing it.
27105 Ignore previous fortune.
27107 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27108 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27109 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27110 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27112 "Through the Looking-Glass,
27113 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
27116 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27117 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
27118 it. Neither will Iles.
27120 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27123 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27125 I'll burn my books.
27126 -- Christopher Marlowe
27128 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27129 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27130 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27131 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27133 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27135 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27137 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27138 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27139 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27141 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27142 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27143 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27144 And in our bound partition never part.
27145 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27147 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27148 I play just what I feel.
27149 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27150 And die behind the wheel.
27151 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27152 I want a name when I lose.
27153 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27154 Call me Deacon Blues.
27155 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27157 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27160 I'll never get off this planet.
27163 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27165 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27166 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27167 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27169 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27170 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27172 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27176 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27179 Illegitimi non carborundum
27180 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27182 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27183 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27185 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27187 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27190 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27191 that I could have evolved from man.
27193 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27194 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27195 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27196 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27197 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27198 Ellen up a steep incline.
27199 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27200 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27201 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27202 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27203 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
27204 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27205 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27206 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27207 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27208 that Kirk talked strangely.
27209 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27210 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27211 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27212 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27213 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27214 physical exam to answer the alert.
27216 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27217 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27219 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27221 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27222 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27223 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27225 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27226 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27228 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27229 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27232 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27233 will be more productive than its cost.
27234 -- David Rockefeller
27237 But it's not what I really want to do.
27238 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27239 I know what you're going to say --
27240 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27241 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27242 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27244 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27247 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27248 that I could have been created by man.
27250 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27251 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27252 I'll tell some power broker
27253 What they did for Iacocca
27254 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27255 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27256 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27257 When they hand a million grand out,
27258 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27259 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27262 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27264 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27265 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27266 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27267 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27268 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27269 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27270 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27271 "You snake," she rattled.
27272 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27273 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27274 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27275 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27276 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27277 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27278 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27279 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27281 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27284 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27287 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27289 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27290 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27292 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27293 I'm glad that I am free,
27294 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27295 And McGovern were a tree.
27297 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27298 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27301 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27302 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27303 > And in LA it's 72.
27305 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27306 is a million percent.
27307 > And in LA it's 72.
27309 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27310 > And in LA there are 72.
27312 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27315 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27318 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27321 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27324 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27325 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27328 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27330 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27331 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27333 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27334 I've missed your special date.
27335 Please say that you're not mad at me
27336 My tax return is late.
27337 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27339 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27343 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27344 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27345 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27346 She's traversed me seven times before.
27347 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27348 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27349 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27350 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27351 N-ary the tree I am.
27352 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27354 I'm not a lovable man.
27355 -- Richard M. Nixon
27357 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
27358 with twenty-eight years ago.
27361 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
27365 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
27366 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
27368 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
27370 I'm not offering myself as an example;
27371 every life evolves by its own laws.
27373 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
27377 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
27379 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
27380 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
27382 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
27384 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
27388 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
27389 that some thinkle peep I am.
27390 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
27392 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
27393 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
27394 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
27395 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
27396 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
27397 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
27398 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
27399 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
27402 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
27403 totally unprepared for everyday life.
27405 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
27406 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
27409 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
27410 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
27412 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
27413 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
27414 -- English Professor, Providence College
27416 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
27418 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
27420 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
27421 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
27422 you being a dumbass.
27423 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
27425 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
27427 I'm sorry I missed.
27430 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
27432 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
27434 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
27435 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
27437 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
27438 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
27439 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
27440 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
27441 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
27443 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
27444 like pigeons and Catholics.
27447 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
27450 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
27453 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
27454 -- Jules de Gaultier
27456 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
27457 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
27458 thinks of complaining.
27459 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
27461 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
27462 It would mean political ruin.
27465 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
27466 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
27467 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
27468 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
27469 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
27471 "Is it PC compatible?"
27473 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
27474 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
27476 Imagine what we can imagine!
27477 -- Arthur Rubinstein
27479 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
27482 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
27483 In order for something to become clean, something else must
27484 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
27487 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
27490 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
27492 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
27494 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
27497 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
27498 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
27500 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27503 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27504 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27505 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27506 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27509 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27510 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27511 conflicting opinions.
27512 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27514 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27515 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27516 Boss is reading it.
27519 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27520 (2) I can't be bothered;
27521 (3) God can't be bothered.
27522 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27523 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27525 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27528 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27531 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27532 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27534 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27537 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27538 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27539 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27540 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27541 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27543 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27544 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27546 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27547 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27548 more to its liking.
27550 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27551 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27554 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27556 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27557 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27559 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27560 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27562 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27563 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27564 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27565 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27567 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27568 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27572 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27573 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27575 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27576 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27578 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27579 other really likes.
27580 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27582 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27583 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27584 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27585 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27586 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27588 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27589 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27590 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27592 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27593 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27596 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27597 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27598 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27599 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27600 superior to Tops10.
27602 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27603 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27605 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27606 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27607 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27609 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27610 of the risks he takes.
27611 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
27613 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27614 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27615 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27616 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27617 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27618 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27620 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27621 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27625 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27627 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27629 -- The Peter Principle
27631 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27632 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27635 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27636 are to be treated as variables.
27638 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27639 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27641 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27642 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27645 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27648 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27649 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27651 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27652 the cows are known sluts.
27655 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27656 made the World Series just something that came later.
27657 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27659 In buying horses and taking a wife
27660 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27662 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27663 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27664 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27665 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27666 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27668 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27669 it into television shows.
27670 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27672 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27674 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27675 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27677 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27678 -- The Kidner Report
27680 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27682 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27683 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27685 In charity there is no excess.
27688 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27689 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27690 be free of subjugation.
27691 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27693 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27694 This is called Monotony.
27696 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27697 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27698 to get her attention.
27700 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27702 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27703 in any motor vehicle.
27705 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27706 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27708 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27711 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27713 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27714 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27715 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27716 In speech, be true.
27717 In work, be competent.
27718 In action, be careful of your timing.
27721 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27722 programming languages.
27724 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27725 -- Thomas Jefferson
27727 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27728 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27730 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27731 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27732 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27733 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27736 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27738 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27739 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27740 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27741 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27742 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27744 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27745 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27747 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27748 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27749 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27750 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27751 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27752 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27753 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27755 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27757 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27758 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27761 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27762 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27764 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27765 In all the others all she loves is love.
27766 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27768 In high school in Brooklyn
27769 I was the baseball manager,
27770 proud as I could be
27771 I chased baseballs,
27772 gathered thrown bats
27773 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27774 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27775 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27776 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27777 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27778 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27779 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27780 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27781 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27782 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27783 I still recall that jacket
27784 and the memory goes on hurting.
27785 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27787 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27788 afterwards that causes the problems.
27791 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27794 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27795 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27796 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27799 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27800 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27801 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27802 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27804 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27806 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27807 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27808 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27810 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27811 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27814 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27817 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27820 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27823 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27824 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27825 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27827 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27828 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27830 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27831 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27832 have obtained from books of travel.
27835 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27836 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27837 -- Thomas Jefferson
27839 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27842 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27843 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27845 In most instances, all an argument
27846 proves is that two people are present.
27848 In my end is my beginning.
27849 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27851 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27852 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27853 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27855 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27856 becoming pure energy.
27857 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
27859 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
27860 punishments, there are consequences.
27863 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
27864 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
27865 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
27867 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
27868 a practice which is still continued.
27871 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
27873 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
27874 you're what's left.
27876 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
27878 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
27879 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
27881 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
27883 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
27885 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
27886 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
27887 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27889 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
27890 Court decision and violent revolution.
27891 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
27893 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
27895 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
27896 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
27897 -- John Diefenbaker
27899 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
27900 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
27902 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
27903 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
27906 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
27907 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
27910 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
27911 want the other person.
27912 -- Margaret Anderson
27914 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
27916 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
27918 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
27919 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
27920 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
27921 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
27922 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
27923 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
27925 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
27926 merger be that far off?
27927 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
27929 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
27930 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
27931 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
27932 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
27933 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27935 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
27938 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
27939 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
27940 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
27941 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
27942 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
27943 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
27944 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
27946 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
27947 is over six feet in length.
27949 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
27950 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
27952 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
27954 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
27956 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
27959 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
27962 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
27965 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
27966 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
27967 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
27969 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
27970 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
27971 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
27972 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
27973 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
27975 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
27976 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
27977 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
27979 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
27981 "In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
27982 opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
27983 -- Benjamin Franklin
27985 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
27986 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
27988 In the beginning was the word.
27989 But by the time the second word was added to it,
27991 For with it came syntax ...
27994 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
27995 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
27996 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
27997 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
27998 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
27999 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28000 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28001 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28002 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28004 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28005 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28006 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28009 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28010 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28012 In the days of old,
28013 When Knights were bold,
28014 And women were too cautious;
28015 Oh, those gallant days,
28016 When women were women,
28017 And men were really obnoxious.
28019 In the dimestores and bus stations
28020 People talk of situations
28021 Read books repeat quotations
28022 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28025 In the early morning queue,
28026 With a listing in my hand.
28027 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28028 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28029 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28030 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28031 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28032 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28033 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28034 I've moved up one at last.
28035 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28036 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28038 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28041 In the first place, God made idiots;
28042 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28045 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28046 the proper order then why can't he?
28048 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28051 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28052 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28054 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28057 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28058 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28061 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28062 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28063 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28065 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28068 In the long run we are all dead.
28069 -- John Maynard Keynes
28071 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28072 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28073 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28075 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28076 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28078 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28079 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28080 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28081 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28082 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28083 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28086 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28088 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28090 In the next world, you're on your own.
28092 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28093 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28094 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28096 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28097 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28099 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28100 the sound of those drums."
28101 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28102 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28104 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28105 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28106 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28107 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28108 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28109 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28110 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28112 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28113 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28114 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28115 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28116 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28119 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28120 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28121 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28122 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28123 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28124 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28125 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28128 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28129 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28130 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28132 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28134 In the time of peace and harmony
28135 Be a kind-hearted friend.
28136 In the time of conflict with enemies
28137 Be a falcon of advance and attack.
28138 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
28140 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28141 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28144 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28146 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28147 In practice, there is.
28149 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28154 Your head grows bald
28158 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28159 -- Benjamin Franklin
28161 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28162 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28165 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28166 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28168 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28169 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28172 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28174 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28176 -- Winston Churchill
28178 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28179 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28180 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28182 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28183 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28185 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28186 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28187 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28188 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28189 Down to a sunless C.
28191 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28194 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28197 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28198 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28200 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28202 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28205 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28206 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28208 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28209 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28210 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28211 Through caverns measureless to man
28212 Down to a sunless sea.
28213 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28214 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28215 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28216 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28217 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28218 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28219 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28221 In youth, it was a way I had
28222 To do my best to please,
28223 And change, with every passing lad,
28224 To suit his theories.
28226 But now I know the things I know,
28227 And do the things I do;
28228 And if you do not like me so,
28229 To hell, my love, with you!
28230 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28233 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28234 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28235 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28236 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28241 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28242 Have mate's phone bugged.
28245 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28246 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28248 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28250 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28251 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28252 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28256 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28257 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28259 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28260 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28261 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28264 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28266 Individualists unite!
28268 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28269 advance; insufferable in victory.
28270 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28273 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28274 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28275 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28278 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28279 in Constantinople, one who does.
28280 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28282 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28284 Information Center, n.:
28285 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28286 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28288 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28290 Information Processing:
28291 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28292 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28294 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28296 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28297 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28298 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28299 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28300 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28302 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28303 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28304 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28308 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28310 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28311 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28314 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28315 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28318 On a Bucharest elevator:
28320 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28321 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28325 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28327 Various signs in Poland:
28329 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28331 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28333 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28335 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28337 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28338 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28341 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28344 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28345 and then complains of indigestion.
28347 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28348 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28351 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28352 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
28353 promote intellectual crime.
28354 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28356 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
28358 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
28363 Innovation is hard to schedule.
28369 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
28370 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
28373 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
28375 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
28376 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
28379 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
28382 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
28383 the person who told it to you.
28385 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
28387 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
28389 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
28392 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
28394 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
28395 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
28396 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
28397 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
28398 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28400 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
28403 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
28404 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
28405 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
28406 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
28407 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
28410 Integrity has no need for rules.
28412 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
28415 Intellect annuls Fate.
28416 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
28417 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28419 Interchangeable parts won't.
28422 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
28423 burned out employees must feign.
28425 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
28426 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
28427 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
28428 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
28431 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
28432 best at, that's what I say.
28436 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
28437 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
28438 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
28439 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28441 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
28444 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
28446 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
28451 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
28453 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
28455 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
28457 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
28458 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
28462 It's off to disk I go,
28463 A bit or byte to read or write,
28466 IOT trap -- core dumped
28468 IOT trap -- mos dumped
28470 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
28473 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
28474 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
28475 little paper envelopes.
28477 Iron Law of Distribution:
28478 Them that has, gets.
28481 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
28482 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
28484 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
28485 -- Douglas Hofstadter
28487 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
28489 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
28491 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
28493 Is death legally binding?
28495 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
28496 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
28499 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
28502 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28504 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28505 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28506 and such as are out wish to get in?
28507 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28509 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28510 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28512 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28515 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28517 Is there life before breakfast?
28519 Is this really happening?
28521 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28523 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28524 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28526 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28527 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28528 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
28530 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28531 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28532 -- Kelvin Throop III
28534 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28535 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28536 would make them better prospects?
28538 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28542 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28543 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28546 A solution in search of a problem!
28548 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28549 The Course of Progress:
28550 Most things get steadily worse.
28551 The Path of Progress:
28552 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28554 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28555 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28556 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28557 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28558 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28559 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28560 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28561 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28562 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28563 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28564 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28566 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28567 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28570 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28571 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28572 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28573 And empty holes it fills.
28574 It comes first and follows after,
28575 Ends life, kills laughter.
28577 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28578 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28579 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28580 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28581 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28582 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28583 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28584 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28585 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28586 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28588 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28589 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28590 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28591 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28592 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28593 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28595 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28596 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28598 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28599 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28600 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28601 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28602 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28603 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28605 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28607 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28609 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28610 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28612 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28613 done and what you're going to do.
28615 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28617 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28618 next morning it was someone else.
28621 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28622 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28623 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28624 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28625 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28627 It gets late early out there.
28630 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28631 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28633 It hangs down from the chandelier
28634 Nobody knows quite what it does
28635 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28636 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28638 It grows a couple of feet each day
28639 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28640 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28641 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28642 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28644 It happened long ago
28645 In the new magic land
28646 The Indians and the buffalo
28647 Existed hand in hand
28648 The Indians needed food
28649 They need skins for a roof
28650 The only took what they needed
28651 And the buffalo ran loose
28652 But then came the white man
28653 With his thick and empty head
28654 He couldn't see past his billfold
28655 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28656 It was sad, oh so sad.
28657 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28659 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28660 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28661 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28662 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28663 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28664 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28666 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28667 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28668 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28671 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28672 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28673 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28674 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28676 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28677 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28679 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28681 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28682 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28683 -- Bertrand Russell
28685 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28686 and getting people under the influence.
28689 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28691 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28692 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28693 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28694 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28695 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28696 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28697 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28698 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28699 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28700 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28701 competence will be quite enough.
28702 -- The Underground Grammarian
28704 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28705 little things are infinitely the most important.
28706 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28708 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28709 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28710 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28711 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28713 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28714 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28717 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28718 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28719 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28723 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28724 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28725 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28727 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28728 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28729 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28731 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28733 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28736 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28737 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28740 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28741 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28742 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28743 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28744 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28745 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28746 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28747 three more than the schedule allowed.
28748 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28749 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28750 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28751 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28752 their thumbs for ten months.
28753 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28754 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28755 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28756 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28757 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28758 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28759 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
28761 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28762 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28764 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28765 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28766 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28769 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28772 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28773 but you should let go of it now and then.
28776 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28777 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28778 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28780 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28782 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28783 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28784 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28787 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28788 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28789 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28790 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28791 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28792 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28793 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28795 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28796 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28797 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28799 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
28801 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28802 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28804 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28805 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28807 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28810 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28814 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28815 One in a million, perhaps.
28817 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28819 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28821 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28823 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28825 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28827 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28829 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28831 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28833 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28835 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28838 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28840 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28842 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28843 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28845 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28847 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28848 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28851 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28852 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28853 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28855 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28856 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
28859 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
28860 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
28861 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28863 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
28867 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
28868 depends upon his not understanding it.
28871 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
28873 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
28874 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
28875 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
28878 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
28880 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
28882 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
28884 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
28885 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
28886 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
28887 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
28888 attention, the harder the task.
28889 -- Sydney J. Harris
28891 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
28893 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
28896 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
28898 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
28899 -- George Santayana
28901 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
28902 -- Leonardo da Vinci
28904 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
28906 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
28908 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
28911 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
28912 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
28913 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
28915 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
28916 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
28917 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
28918 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
28920 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
28921 referring to scheduling.]
28923 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
28924 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
28927 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
28928 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
28929 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
28931 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
28933 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
28935 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
28939 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
28942 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
28944 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
28945 innovative maneuvers.
28947 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
28948 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
28949 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
28951 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
28952 -- Robert Storm Petersen
28954 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
28955 love does not lie in the ear.
28958 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
28959 Boulevard at one time.
28961 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
28963 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
28964 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
28965 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
28966 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
28967 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
28969 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
28971 It is impossible to defend perfectly
28972 against the attack of those who want to die.
28974 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
28975 unless one has plenty of work to do.
28976 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
28978 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
28982 It is impossible to make anything
28983 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
28985 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
28986 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
28990 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
28992 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
28993 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
28996 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
28997 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
28998 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29000 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29001 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29002 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29003 like a happy married life.
29006 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29007 offense consists in doubting it.
29008 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29010 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29011 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29013 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29014 when you know nothing about the problem.
29016 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29018 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29019 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29020 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29021 -- George Bernard Shaw
29023 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29026 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29028 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29029 that makes life blessed.
29030 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
29032 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29033 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29034 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29036 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29038 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29040 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29041 The main thing is to use it well.
29044 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29045 we should also have the management of them.
29046 -- La Rochefoucauld
29048 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29051 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29052 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29053 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29055 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29056 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29059 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29060 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29061 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29062 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
29063 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
29064 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29065 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29067 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29068 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29069 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29071 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29072 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29073 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29074 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29075 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29076 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29077 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29081 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29082 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29083 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29084 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29085 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29086 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29087 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29088 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29089 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29091 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29092 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29094 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29096 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29097 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29101 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29102 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29104 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29107 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29108 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29109 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29112 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29115 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29116 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29119 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29120 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29121 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
29123 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29124 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29128 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29129 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29130 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29131 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29132 should be used in its proper place.
29133 -- Christopher Strachey
29135 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29136 -- Maimie Van Doren
29138 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29139 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29140 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29141 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29143 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29144 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29145 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29146 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29148 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29149 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29150 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29151 day like any other day, only shorter.
29152 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29154 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29155 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29156 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29157 too, shall pass away."
29160 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29161 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29164 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29165 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29167 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29168 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29169 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29171 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29172 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29174 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29175 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29176 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29177 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29178 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29179 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29180 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29182 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29183 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29185 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29186 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29187 until the other has gone.
29189 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29192 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29195 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29196 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29199 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29200 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29202 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29205 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29207 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29208 lives, works and has his being.
29211 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
29212 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
29213 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29215 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29217 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29219 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29220 It produces a false impression.
29223 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29224 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29226 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29229 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29230 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29232 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29234 It isn't easy being green.
29237 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29238 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29241 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29245 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29246 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29248 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29249 to Grandmother's condo.
29251 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29252 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29253 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29255 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29257 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29258 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29259 -- Princess Leia Organa
29261 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29262 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29263 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29265 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29266 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
29268 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29269 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29270 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29272 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29276 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29277 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29279 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29280 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29283 It may be that your whole purpose in life
29284 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
29286 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29288 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29289 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29290 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29291 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29292 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29293 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29295 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29296 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29297 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29300 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29302 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29304 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29305 one's life and then come round.
29306 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29308 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29310 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29311 they'll come out for it.
29312 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29315 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29316 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29318 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29319 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29321 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29323 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29324 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29326 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29327 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29328 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29329 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29330 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29331 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29333 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29336 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29339 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29340 language named "research student".
29342 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29344 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29345 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
29346 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
29347 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
29348 average wife is like that.
29349 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
29351 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
29353 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
29355 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
29356 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
29358 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
29360 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
29362 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
29365 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
29367 It takes less time to do a thing right
29368 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
29369 -- H. W. Longfellow
29371 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
29373 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
29374 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
29375 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
29376 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
29377 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
29378 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
29379 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
29380 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
29382 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
29383 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
29386 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
29387 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
29388 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
29389 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
29390 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
29391 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
29393 It used to be the fun was in
29394 The capture and kill.
29395 In another place and time
29396 I did it all for thrills.
29399 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
29402 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
29404 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
29406 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
29407 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
29408 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
29409 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
29411 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
29412 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
29413 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
29415 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
29418 It was all so different before everything changed.
29420 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
29421 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
29422 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
29424 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
29425 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
29428 It was one time too many
29430 It was all too much for me and you
29431 There was one way to go
29432 Nothing more we could do
29437 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
29439 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
29441 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
29443 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
29444 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
29445 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
29446 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
29447 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
29448 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
29449 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
29453 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
29454 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
29455 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
29456 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
29457 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
29458 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
29459 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
29460 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
29461 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
29462 would let me stay here for the night."
29463 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
29466 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
29467 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
29468 -- Hunter S. Thompson
29470 It was wonderful to find America, but it
29471 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
29474 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
29477 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
29478 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
29480 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
29481 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
29483 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
29484 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
29488 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
29489 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
29490 two things still safe to eat.
29493 It would be nice to be sure of anything
29494 the way some people are of everything.
29496 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
29499 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
29500 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
29501 are often slanted to the left.
29503 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29505 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29508 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29511 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29513 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29515 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29518 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29521 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29523 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29524 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29526 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29528 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29529 when you lose yours.
29532 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29535 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29536 -- Churchy La Femme
29538 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29540 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29543 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29544 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29545 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29546 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29547 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29548 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29549 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29550 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29551 have thought it up, I wonder?
29554 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29556 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29558 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
29561 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29562 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29564 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29566 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29568 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29571 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29572 but why do the rats always have to win?
29574 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29577 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
29580 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29582 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29584 It's clever, but is it art?
29586 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29588 "It's easier said than done."
29590 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29591 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29592 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29595 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29598 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29599 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29601 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29604 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29605 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29607 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29609 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29612 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29613 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29614 the ignorance of the community.
29617 It's faster horses,
29621 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29623 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29624 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29626 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29627 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29631 It's gonna be alright,
29632 It's almost midnight,
29633 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29635 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29636 even if most of them are bad.
29638 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29639 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29641 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29643 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29644 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29647 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29650 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29651 you're getting something off your chest.
29653 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29654 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29656 It's hard to think of you as the end
29657 result of millions of years of evolution.
29659 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29661 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29662 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29664 It's interesting to think that many quite
29665 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29667 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29668 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29669 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29670 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29672 It's just a jump to the left
29673 And then a step to the right.
29674 Put your hands on your hips
29675 You bring your knees in tight.
29676 But it's the pelvic thrust
29677 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
29679 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29681 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29683 It's just apartment house rules,
29684 So all you 'partment house fools
29685 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29686 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29687 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29689 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29692 It's later than you think.
29694 It's later than you think, the joint
29695 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29697 It's like deja vu all over again.
29704 and even the teddy bears
29707 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29708 you're going in the wrong direction.
29710 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29713 It's multiple choice time...
29717 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29718 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29721 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29722 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29725 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29727 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29728 a sickness you like.
29731 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29732 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29735 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29737 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29740 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29743 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29744 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29746 It's not easy being green.
29749 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29752 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29755 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29758 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29759 what you're taking for it...
29761 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29763 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29767 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29768 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29771 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29773 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29776 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29779 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29782 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29784 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29786 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29787 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29788 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29789 -- Sydney J. Harris
29791 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29792 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29795 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29796 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29797 elected governor of California.
29799 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29800 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29802 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29803 as a warning to others.
29805 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29806 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29809 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29811 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29813 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29814 society will take full responsibility for you.
29816 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29817 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29818 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29819 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29822 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29824 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29825 have been all over it.
29826 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29828 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29829 just to see if it's real,
29830 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29831 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29832 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29833 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29834 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29836 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29838 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29840 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29841 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29843 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29844 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29845 -- Franklin P. Jones
29847 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29848 boy gets another beer.
29851 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29853 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29854 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29856 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29857 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29858 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
29860 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
29861 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
29863 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
29864 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
29865 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
29866 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
29867 inevitably unsuccessful.
29868 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
29869 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
29870 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
29871 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
29872 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
29873 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
29874 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
29875 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
29876 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
29877 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
29878 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
29879 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
29880 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
29881 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
29882 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
29884 I've already told you more than I know.
29886 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
29888 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
29889 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
29891 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
29892 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
29895 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
29900 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
29903 I've been on this lonely road so long,
29904 Does anybody know where it goes,
29905 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
29907 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
29911 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
29912 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
29913 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
29914 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
29915 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
29916 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
29917 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
29918 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
29920 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
29921 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
29922 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
29923 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
29925 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
29926 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
29927 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
29929 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
29931 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
29932 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
29933 -- Dennie van Tassel
29935 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
29936 this little hole in the bottom ...
29939 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
29941 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
29944 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
29947 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
29950 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
29953 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
29956 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
29957 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
29959 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
29961 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
29964 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
29967 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
29970 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
29974 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
29977 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
29979 I've only got 12 cards.
29981 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
29982 -- Senator Claghorn
29984 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
29985 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
29986 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
29987 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
29988 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
29989 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
29991 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
29992 And from that full meridian of my glory
29993 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
29994 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
29995 And no man see me more.
29996 -- William Shakespeare
29998 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
29999 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30000 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30002 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30003 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30004 legislature is in session.
30008 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30009 ones; the meek the girls(the
30010 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30011 all except the cold ones; the slim
30012 ones plump tiny tall)
30017 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30019 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30020 all except ones; the mean
30021 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30023 except the green ones
30026 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30027 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30030 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30031 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30032 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30034 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30035 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30036 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30037 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30038 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30039 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30040 television?" and "Good night".
30041 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30045 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30046 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30047 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30048 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30049 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30051 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30058 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30060 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30061 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30063 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30064 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30067 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30068 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30069 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30071 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30072 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30073 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30075 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30076 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30077 to you. You gonna pay it?
30080 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30081 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30084 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30086 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30089 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30090 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30091 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30092 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30093 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30094 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30095 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30096 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30097 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30099 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30102 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30104 John Dame May Oscar
30105 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30106 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30107 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30110 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30112 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30114 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30115 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30116 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30117 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30118 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30119 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30120 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30121 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30122 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30124 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30125 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30126 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30127 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30129 Johnson's First Law:
30130 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30131 most inconvenient possible time.
30134 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30136 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30137 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30139 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30140 exciting people, and kill them.
30142 Join the march to save individuality!
30144 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30145 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30148 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30149 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30150 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30151 importance of their original contribution.
30154 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30157 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30160 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30161 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30163 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30164 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30165 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30166 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30167 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30168 yourself as wide as the sky.
30170 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30173 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30175 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30176 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30177 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30179 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30180 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30181 someone else's cash.
30182 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30184 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30187 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30188 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30189 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30191 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30192 6: It matches my eyes.
30193 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30194 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30195 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30196 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30197 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30198 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30200 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30201 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30202 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30203 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30204 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30205 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30206 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30207 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30208 She helped me with my suitcase,
30209 She stands before my eyes,
30210 Driving me to the airport
30211 And to the friendly skies.
30212 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30214 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30215 (and nobody cares about it).
30216 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30218 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
30219 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
30220 daydreams about women.
30221 -- George Bernard Shaw
30223 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
30224 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
30225 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
30226 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
30227 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
30228 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
30229 sense of respect for the whole truth.
30230 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30232 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30235 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30237 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30241 Just because the message may never be
30242 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30244 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
30245 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30247 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30249 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30252 Just because your doctor has a name for your
30253 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
30255 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30257 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30258 and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
30259 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30261 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30263 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30264 get a prompt, type like hell.
30266 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30267 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30268 about his or her love affairs.
30271 Just machines to make big decisions,
30272 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30273 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30274 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30275 What a beautiful world this will be,
30276 What a glorious time to be free.
30277 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30279 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30280 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30281 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
30283 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30284 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30285 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30287 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30290 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30291 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30293 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30294 As he landed his crew with care;
30295 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30296 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30298 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30299 That alone should encourage the crew.
30300 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30301 What I tell you three times is true.'
30302 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30304 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30305 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30308 Just to have it is enough.
30310 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30311 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30312 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30314 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30316 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30319 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30320 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30321 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30322 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30324 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30325 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30326 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30327 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30328 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30329 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30331 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30332 -- Michael J. Wagner
30334 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30338 A decision in your favor.
30340 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30341 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30342 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30343 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30344 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30347 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30348 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30350 Kamikazes do it once.
30353 Where the men are men and so are the women!
30355 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
30358 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
30360 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
30361 package of snack food.
30363 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
30365 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
30368 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
30369 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
30371 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
30374 Men and nations will act rationally when
30375 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
30377 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
30378 exhausted all other alternatives.
30381 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
30382 Population density is inversely proportional
30383 to the square of the distance from the keg.
30386 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
30387 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
30389 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
30392 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
30394 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
30395 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
30396 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
30397 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
30398 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
30399 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
30401 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
30402 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
30404 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
30406 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
30408 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
30409 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
30410 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
30411 force is technically termed "car suck").
30412 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
30414 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
30415 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
30416 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
30417 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
30418 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
30419 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
30420 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
30421 in the head and knock you silly.
30423 Keep it short for pithy sake.
30425 Keep on keepin' on.
30427 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
30428 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
30431 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
30434 Keep the phase, baby.
30436 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
30438 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
30439 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
30440 at the end of six months.
30443 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
30445 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
30446 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
30447 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
30448 Your Feet on the Ground,
30449 Your Head on your Shoulders.
30450 Now... try to get something DONE!
30452 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
30453 -- Benjamin Franklin
30455 Keep your laws off my body!
30457 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
30458 Open it and you remove all doubt.
30460 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
30461 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
30462 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
30463 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
30464 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
30467 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
30468 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
30469 you've got to go broke.
30472 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
30475 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
30476 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
30477 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
30480 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
30481 traditions of sorcery and black art.
30483 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
30484 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
30485 and parking for the faculty.
30487 Kettering's Observation:
30488 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
30490 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
30492 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
30493 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
30494 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
30495 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
30496 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
30497 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
30498 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
30500 Kill a commy for your mommy.
30502 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
30504 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
30509 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
30514 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30518 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30519 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30522 An affliction of the blood.
30524 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30527 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30528 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
30530 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30531 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30532 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30535 Kinkler's First Law:
30536 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30538 Kinkler's Second Law:
30539 All the easy problems have been solved.
30541 Kirk to Enterprise...
30543 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30545 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30546 any of its streets.
30548 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30550 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30551 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30553 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30555 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30557 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30559 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30561 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30564 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30565 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30566 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30568 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30569 Butter up a friend.
30571 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30572 -- Winston Churchill
30574 Klatu barada nikto.
30576 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30578 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30582 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30584 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30585 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30587 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30588 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30591 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30593 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30596 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30597 causes of statistics.
30599 Knights are hardly worth it.
30600 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30606 Sam and Janet Evening...
30608 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30611 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30612 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30613 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30614 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30615 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30617 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30618 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30619 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30620 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30621 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30622 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30623 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30624 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30625 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30626 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30628 Knocked, you weren't in.
30631 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30639 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30641 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30645 Things you believe.
30647 Knowledge is power.
30650 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30651 -- Aleister Crowley
30653 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30655 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30656 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30657 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30658 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30659 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30662 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30664 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30665 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30666 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30669 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30670 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30671 From mud slides to brush fires.
30674 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30675 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30677 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30679 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30680 -- George Bernard Shaw
30685 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30687 Lactomangulation, n.:
30688 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30689 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30690 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30692 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30694 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30695 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30696 I come before you to stand behind you
30697 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30698 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30699 There will be a convention held in the
30700 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30701 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30702 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30703 It was a summer's day in winter,
30704 And the snow was raining fast,
30705 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30706 Stood sitting in the grass.
30707 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30708 Two dead men got up to fight.
30709 Three blind men to see fair play,
30710 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30711 Back to back, they faced each other,
30712 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30713 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30714 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30716 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30717 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30718 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30719 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30720 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30722 -- Billie Jean King
30724 Lady, lady, should you meet
30725 One whose ways are all discreet,
30726 One who murmurs that his wife
30727 Is the lodestar of his life,
30728 One who keeps assuring you
30729 That he never was untrue,
30730 Never loved another one...
30731 Lady, lady, better run!
30732 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30734 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30735 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30738 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30740 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30742 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30743 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30744 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30746 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30747 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30748 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30749 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30750 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30751 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30752 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30753 you would pin this on your white meat."
30756 Look to your stern!
30757 Your house is on fire,
30758 Your children will burn!
30759 So jump ye and sing, for
30760 The very first time
30761 The four lines above
30762 Have been put into rhyme.
30765 Laetrile is the pits.
30767 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30768 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30770 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30772 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30774 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30775 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30776 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30777 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30778 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30780 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30783 (1) Everything depends.
30784 (2) Nothing is always.
30785 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30787 Language is a virus from another planet.
30788 -- William Burroughs
30790 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30791 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30792 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30796 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30797 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30798 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30799 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30800 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30802 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30803 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30806 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30807 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30808 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30809 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30810 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30811 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30812 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30813 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30814 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30817 All laws are basically false.
30822 Last guys don't finish nice.
30823 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30825 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30826 the pillow was gone.
30829 Last night I met upon the stair
30830 A little man who wasn't there.
30831 He wasn't there again today.
30832 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30834 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30835 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30838 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30839 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30841 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30843 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30844 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30845 I don't remember what it was.
30848 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30850 Latin is a language,
30852 First it killed the Romans,
30853 And now it's killing me.
30855 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30857 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
30859 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
30861 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
30863 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
30865 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
30867 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
30871 No child throws up in the bathroom.
30873 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
30874 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
30876 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
30877 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
30878 -- Richard M. Nixon
30880 Law of Communications:
30881 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
30882 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
30883 area of misunderstanding.
30886 Experiments should be reproducible.
30887 They should all fail the same way.
30889 Law of Probable Dispersal:
30890 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
30892 Law of Selective Gravity:
30893 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
30895 Jenning's Corollary:
30896 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
30897 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
30900 He who hesitates is lunch.
30903 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
30905 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
30906 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
30908 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
30910 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
30912 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
30913 -- Otto von Bismarck
30915 Laws of Computer Programming:
30916 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
30917 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
30918 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
30919 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
30920 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
30921 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
30922 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
30923 the programmer who must maintain it.
30925 Laws of Serendipity:
30927 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
30929 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
30930 be engaged in making an inferior one.
30933 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
30937 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
30938 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
30939 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
30941 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
30944 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
30945 -- William Shakespeare
30947 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
30950 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
30951 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
30952 Is to keep the lightning out.
30953 But what these unobservant birds
30954 Have failed to notice is that herds
30955 Of bears may come with buns
30956 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
30958 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
30959 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
30960 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
30963 Marrying a pregnant woman.
30965 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
30966 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
30967 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
30968 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
30970 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
30972 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
30974 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
30976 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
30979 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
30980 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
30981 quicker you can do it.
30983 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
30984 everything else follows in the same way.
30987 Learning without thought is labor lost;
30988 thought without learning is perilous.
30991 Leave no stone unturned.
30995 Mother said there would be days like this,
30996 but she never said that there'd be so many!
30998 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31000 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31003 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31004 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31005 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31006 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31010 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31011 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31013 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31014 Proof (by induction):
31015 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31016 horses in that set are the same color.
31017 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31018 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31019 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31020 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31021 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31022 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31023 horses are the same color.
31024 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31025 Proof (by intimidation):
31026 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31027 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31028 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31029 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31030 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31031 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31032 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31033 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31035 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31037 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31039 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31041 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31042 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31043 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31044 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31046 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31047 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31048 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31049 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31051 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31052 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31053 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31054 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31055 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31058 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31060 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31063 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31065 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31066 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31068 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31069 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31073 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31074 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31075 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31076 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31077 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31078 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31079 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31080 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31081 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31082 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31083 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31084 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31085 If this be error and upon me proved,
31086 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31087 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31089 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31091 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31092 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31094 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31095 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31096 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31097 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31098 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31099 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31100 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31101 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31105 Let my own body be exhausted,
31106 But not the wealth of my state.
31107 Let my mortal body vanish,
31108 But not the power of my state.
31109 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31111 Let no guilty man escape.
31114 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31116 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31117 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31119 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31122 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31123 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
31125 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31128 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31129 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31131 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31132 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31135 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31136 -- Benjamin Franklin
31138 Let us go then you and I
31139 while the night is laid out against the sky
31140 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31142 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31145 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31146 The muttering retreats
31147 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31148 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31149 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31150 Of insidious intent
31151 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31152 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31153 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31157 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31161 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31162 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31165 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31166 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31169 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31171 Let us treat men and women well;
31172 Treat them as if they were real;
31174 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31176 Let your conscience be your guide.
31180 [The state, that's me.]
31183 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31185 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31186 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31187 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
31188 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
31189 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
31190 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
31191 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31193 Let's love each other slowly,
31194 reaching for a plane,
31195 of exquisite pleasure,
31199 Let's not complicate our relationship
31200 by trying to communicate with each other.
31202 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31204 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31207 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
31208 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
31209 Anguish. You would sue:
31211 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31212 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31213 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31216 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31217 cretin like yourself.
31219 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31220 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31221 a large cash settlement anyway.
31224 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31225 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31226 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31227 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31228 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31229 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31230 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31231 It's not his money.
31232 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31234 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31238 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31239 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31240 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31241 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31242 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31243 agricultural industry.
31246 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31250 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31251 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31253 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31255 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31256 The first piece of luggage out of the
31257 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
31259 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31263 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31266 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31270 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31272 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31273 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31274 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31276 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31277 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31279 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31280 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31282 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31283 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
31284 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
31285 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31287 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31288 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31289 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31290 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31291 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31294 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31295 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31296 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31297 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31301 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31302 discovered to date.
31305 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31307 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31311 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31314 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31317 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31319 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31321 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31322 -- Miss November, 1966
31324 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31327 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31329 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31330 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31332 Life exists for no known purpose.
31334 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31335 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31336 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31337 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31340 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31341 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31342 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31344 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31345 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
31348 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
31349 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
31351 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
31352 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
31353 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
31354 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
31357 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
31359 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
31360 A medley of extemporania;
31361 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
31362 And I am Marie of Roumania.
31363 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
31365 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
31368 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
31370 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
31372 -- Charles Baudelaire
31374 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
31377 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
31378 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
31381 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
31383 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
31385 Life is an exciting business, and most
31386 exciting when it is lived for others.
31388 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
31390 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
31392 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
31394 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
31395 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
31397 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
31399 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
31401 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
31403 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
31406 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
31407 eat it nevertheless.
31410 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
31412 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
31414 Life is like a sewer.
31415 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
31418 Life is like a simile.
31420 Life is like a tin of sardines.
31421 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
31422 -- Beyond the Fringe
31424 Life is like an analogy.
31426 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
31427 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
31429 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
31430 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
31433 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
31434 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
31437 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
31438 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
31439 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
31441 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
31442 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
31444 Life is not for everyone.
31446 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
31447 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
31449 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
31450 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
31452 Life is the living you do,
31453 Death is the living you don't do.
31456 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
31458 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
31460 Life is too important to take seriously.
31463 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
31466 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
31469 Life is wasted on the living.
31470 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
31472 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
31473 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
31475 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
31478 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
31480 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31482 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
31483 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
31485 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
31486 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
31487 -- Dag Hammarskjold
31489 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
31490 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
31491 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
31492 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
31494 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
31495 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
31496 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
31497 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
31498 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
31499 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
31501 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
31504 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
31505 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
31507 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
31510 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
31511 weren't for other people.
31514 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
31517 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
31518 -- George Bernard Shaw
31520 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
31522 Lift every voice and sing
31523 Till earth and heaven ring,
31524 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31525 Let our rejoicing rise
31526 High as the listening skies,
31527 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31529 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31530 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31531 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31532 Let us march on till victory is won.
31533 -- James Weldon Johnson
31535 Lighten up, while you still can,
31536 Don't even try to understand,
31537 Just find a place to make your stand,
31539 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31542 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31543 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31546 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31548 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31549 the difference between one young woman and another.
31550 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31552 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31553 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31554 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31555 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31556 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31557 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31558 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31559 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31561 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31562 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31563 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31565 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31566 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31567 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31568 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31570 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31571 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31572 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31573 worst possible novel.
31575 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31576 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31577 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31578 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31579 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31580 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31581 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31582 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31583 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31584 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31585 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31586 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31587 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31588 You know I can't think straight no more
31589 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31590 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31591 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31593 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31594 weren't so damned great!
31595 -- Armistead Maupin
31597 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31598 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31599 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31600 like the Rolling Stones?
31601 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31602 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31604 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31605 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31606 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31607 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31608 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31612 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31614 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31615 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31616 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31618 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31619 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31622 Like the time I ran away...
31623 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31624 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31626 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31628 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31629 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31630 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31631 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31632 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31633 -- Senior Year Quote
31635 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31636 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31638 Q -- Is there life after death?
31639 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31640 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31641 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31642 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31643 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31644 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31645 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31646 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31647 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31650 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31651 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31652 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31654 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31655 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31657 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31658 Kennedy in November 1960.
31660 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31662 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31665 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31666 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31668 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31669 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31671 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31672 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31674 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
31676 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31678 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31679 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31681 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31682 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31685 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31686 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31687 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31688 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31690 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31691 Maybe we should think only about today.
31693 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31697 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31699 Lions in the street and roaming,
31700 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31701 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31702 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31704 Went down south across the border,
31705 Left the chaos and disorder
31706 Back there, over his shoulder.
31707 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31708 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31709 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31710 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31711 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31714 To call a spade a thpade.
31716 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31717 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31718 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31722 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31724 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31725 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31726 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31727 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31728 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31729 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31730 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31731 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31732 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31733 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31734 a panacea so alleged.
31735 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31736 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31737 facing up to the recession?"
31739 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31740 is the other way round.
31741 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31744 -- Ronald Macdonald
31747 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31748 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31749 Has brush'd away. And the want
31750 Of thought is death,
31752 A fly like thee? Then am I
31753 Or art not thou A happy fly
31754 A man like me? If I live
31759 Till some blind hand
31760 Shall brush my wing.
31761 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31763 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31766 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31767 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31769 Little Known Facts, #23:
31770 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31771 the BMW repair garage?
31773 Little Mary on the ice,
31774 Went out to have a frisk,
31775 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31778 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31779 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31781 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31784 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31786 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31788 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31789 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31790 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31792 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31795 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31796 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31797 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31799 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31800 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31802 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31803 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31805 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31808 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31809 to want things that nobody else wants.
31812 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31813 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31815 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31816 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31819 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31821 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31822 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31823 Don't you envy people who
31824 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31826 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31827 -- Henry David Thoreau
31829 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31830 interest rates, we don't need it."
31833 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31834 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31835 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31836 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31837 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31838 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31839 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31840 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31841 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31842 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31843 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31844 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31845 you and your friends will be, too.
31846 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31847 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31849 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31850 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31851 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31853 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31856 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31858 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
31860 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
31862 Logicians have but ill defined
31863 As rational the human kind.
31864 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
31865 But let them prove it if they can.
31866 -- Oliver Goldsmith
31870 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
31873 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
31874 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
31875 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
31876 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
31877 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
31878 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
31879 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
31880 Bulletin Board System).
31882 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
31883 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
31884 -- '80 Microcomputing
31886 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
31888 Lonely is a man without love.
31889 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
31891 Lonely men seek companionship.
31892 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
31899 Like to meet new and interesting people?
31901 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
31903 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
31904 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
31905 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
31906 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
31908 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
31910 Long life is in store for you.
31912 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
31913 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
31914 pain and his aloneness without regret?
31915 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
31917 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
31919 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
31921 Look at it this way:
31922 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
31923 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
31924 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31926 Look at it this way:
31927 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
31928 forget $26,000 of college education.
31929 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31931 Look before you leap.
31937 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
31939 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
31940 to pay income taxes, too?
31941 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
31943 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
31944 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
31948 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
31949 -- Stephen Sondheim
31951 Loose bits sink chips.
31953 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
31954 -- Charles D'Hericault
31956 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
31957 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
31959 Losing your drivers' license is just
31960 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
31962 Lost: gray and white female cat.
31963 Answers to electric can opener.
31965 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
31967 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
31969 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
31972 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
31973 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
31975 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
31978 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31979 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31981 Fine little girl she waits for me
31982 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
31983 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
31984 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
31985 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
31986 I smell the rose in her hair
31987 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
31988 It won't be long, me see my love
31989 I take her in my arms and then
31990 Me tell her I never leave again
31991 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
31994 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
31997 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32000 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32001 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32004 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32007 When you don't want someone too close--
32008 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32011 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32013 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32015 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32017 Love America - or give it back.
32019 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32021 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32022 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32024 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32027 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32028 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32030 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32031 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32032 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32034 Love is a grave mental disease.
32037 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32040 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32041 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32042 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32044 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32045 Hate is a word that is not.
32046 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32047 Love, I have read, is hot.
32048 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32049 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32050 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32051 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32054 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32055 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32056 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32058 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32059 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32060 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32062 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32065 Love is being stupid together.
32068 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32069 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32070 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32072 Love is in the offing.
32073 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32075 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32077 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32078 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32079 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32083 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32084 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32086 Love is never asking why?
32088 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32090 Love is sentimental measles.
32092 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32094 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32095 raises some pretty good questions.
32098 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32101 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32102 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32103 -- Charles Baudelaire
32105 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32108 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32109 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
32111 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32114 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32116 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32119 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32121 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32122 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32124 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32127 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32128 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32130 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32132 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32133 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32135 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32136 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32138 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32140 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32141 -- Krainian proverb
32143 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32145 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32148 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32150 Love to eat them mousies,
32151 Mousies I love to eat.
32152 Bite they little heads off,
32153 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32156 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32157 seized this one for the fair form
32158 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32159 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32160 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32161 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32162 Love brought us to one death.
32163 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32165 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
32166 trying to figure out what you're up to.
32168 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32169 -- Benjamin Franklin
32172 If it jams -- force it. If it
32173 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32175 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32177 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32178 There's always one more bug.
32180 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32181 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32182 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32183 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32184 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32185 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32187 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32190 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32194 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32195 lighter -- both of which work.
32197 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32199 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32200 Can't you be serious for once?
32201 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32202 of the more important things in life!
32206 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32207 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32209 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32210 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32212 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32215 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32217 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32219 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32221 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32222 Does not run on any existing machine.
32224 Machine-independent program:
32225 A program that will not run on any machine.
32227 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32228 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32231 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32234 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32238 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32240 Macho does not prove mucho.
32244 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32245 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32247 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
32248 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32252 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32254 Madness takes its toll.
32257 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32258 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32259 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32260 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32261 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32262 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32263 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32264 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32265 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32266 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32267 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32268 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32269 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32270 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32271 entire nodal aggravations.
32272 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32274 Magary's Principle:
32275 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32276 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32277 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32279 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32281 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32283 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32285 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32286 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32287 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32289 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32292 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32294 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32297 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32298 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32299 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32302 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32305 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32306 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32307 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32308 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32309 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32310 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32311 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32312 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32315 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32316 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32317 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32318 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32321 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32322 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32325 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32326 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32327 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32328 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32331 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32333 Maintainer's Motto:
32334 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32336 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32337 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
32338 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
32341 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
32343 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32345 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32347 Secondary Conclusion:
32348 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
32349 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
32351 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
32354 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32356 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32357 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32359 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
32363 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
32365 Make a wish, it might come true.
32367 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
32369 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
32371 Make it right before you make it faster.
32373 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
32374 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
32376 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
32378 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
32380 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
32381 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
32382 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
32383 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
32384 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
32387 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
32390 The reason surgeons wear masks.
32392 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
32395 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
32397 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
32399 Man and wife make one fool.
32401 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
32402 -- Wernher von Braun
32404 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
32405 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
32406 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
32407 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
32408 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
32409 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32411 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
32414 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
32416 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
32419 Man is a military animal,
32420 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
32423 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
32424 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
32427 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
32428 no dog exchanges bones with another.
32431 Man is by nature a political animal.
32434 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
32435 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
32436 -- Wernher von Braun
32438 Man is the measure of all things.
32441 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
32444 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
32445 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
32446 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
32448 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
32449 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
32450 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
32453 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
32454 -- Arthur R. Miller
32457 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
32458 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
32459 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
32460 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
32461 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
32462 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32464 Man proposes, God disposes.
32467 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
32471 Man who arrives at party two hours late
32472 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
32474 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
32476 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
32478 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
32480 Man will never fly.
32481 Space travel is merely a dream.
32482 All aspirin is alike.
32484 Management: How many feet do mice have?
32485 Reply: Mice have four feet.
32487 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
32488 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
32489 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
32490 M: What? Feet with no legs?
32491 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
32492 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
32493 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
32494 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
32495 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
32496 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
32497 is not equipped with a foot.
32498 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
32499 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
32500 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
32501 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
32502 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
32503 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
32504 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
32505 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
32506 ornamental in nature.
32507 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
32508 R: Mice have four feet.
32511 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
32514 A man known for giving great meeting.
32516 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
32517 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
32518 don't think, right?"
32522 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
32524 Manic-depressive, n.:
32525 Easy glum, easy glow.
32527 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32530 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32531 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32532 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32533 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32536 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32537 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32538 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32541 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32544 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32546 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32548 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32549 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32550 -- Sydney J. Harris
32553 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32554 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32555 you need is in the others.
32558 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32561 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32563 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32564 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32565 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32567 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32568 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32569 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32571 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32572 can easily support two or more.
32574 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32575 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32576 -- George D. Prentice
32578 Many are called, few are chosen.
32579 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32581 Many are called, few volunteer.
32583 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32585 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32587 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32588 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32589 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32590 their data processing systems.
32591 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32593 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32594 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32595 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32596 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32597 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32598 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32600 Many hands make light work.
32603 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32605 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32606 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32607 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32608 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32609 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32610 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32611 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32612 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32613 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32614 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32615 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32617 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32618 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32619 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32621 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32622 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32623 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32625 Many pages make a thick book.
32627 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32630 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32631 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32633 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32635 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32637 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32639 Many people feel that if you won't let
32640 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32642 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32643 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32645 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32647 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32648 -- Bertrand Russell
32650 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32652 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32655 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
32656 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32657 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32658 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
32661 Margaret, are you grieving
32662 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32663 Leaves, like the things of man,
32664 You, with your fresh thoughts
32666 Ah! as the heart grows older
32667 It will come to such sights colder
32668 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32669 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32670 And yet you will weep and know why.
32671 Now no matter, child, the name
32672 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32673 It is the blight man was born for,
32674 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32675 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32679 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32680 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32682 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32683 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32685 Rose, any color: Love
32686 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32687 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32688 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32689 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32690 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32691 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32692 Rosemary: Remembrance
32693 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32694 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32695 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32696 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32697 Violet, white: Modesty
32698 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32699 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32701 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32703 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32704 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32705 it in order to protect themselves.
32708 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32709 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32710 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32713 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32714 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32715 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32720 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32721 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32724 Marriage causes dating problems.
32726 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32729 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32731 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32732 not ready for an institution yet.
32735 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32736 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32739 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32741 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32742 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32745 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32746 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32748 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32749 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32751 -- George Jean Nathan
32753 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32755 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32756 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32758 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32761 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
32762 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
32765 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32768 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32769 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32771 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32776 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32779 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32781 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32782 connected by a thin strand.
32784 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32785 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32787 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32788 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32789 territory from invasion by another group."
32791 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32792 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32794 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32795 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32796 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32798 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32799 -- George Bernard Shaw
32801 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32802 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32804 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32805 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32806 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32807 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32808 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32809 named a drink Fred?"
32811 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32812 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32814 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32815 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32816 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32817 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32818 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32819 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32820 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32821 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32822 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32823 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32824 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32825 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32829 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32831 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32832 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32834 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32837 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32838 you treat everything like a nail.
32840 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32841 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32843 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32845 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32846 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32849 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32850 -- Christopher Hampton
32852 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32855 Mater artium necessitas.
32856 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32858 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
32861 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
32862 Please, don't drink and derive.
32869 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
32873 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
32875 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
32876 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
32877 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32879 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
32880 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
32882 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
32885 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
32888 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
32890 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
32891 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
32894 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
32895 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
32898 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
32899 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
32900 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
32901 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
32902 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
32903 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
32904 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
32905 -- Bertrand Russell
32907 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
32909 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
32911 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
32912 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
32914 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
32916 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
32917 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
32918 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
32919 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
32921 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
32925 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
32927 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
32928 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
32930 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
32932 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
32933 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
32934 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
32936 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
32938 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
32940 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
32942 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
32944 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
32946 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
32947 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
32948 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
32950 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
32952 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
32954 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
32956 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
32957 a full moon on a dark night,
32958 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
32960 May you live in uninteresting times.
32963 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
32965 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
32967 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
32968 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
32970 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
32971 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
32974 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
32977 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
32978 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
32981 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
32983 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
32984 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
32985 had to seek professional help.
32987 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
32988 these days you can certainly charge it.
32991 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
32992 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
32994 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
32996 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
32997 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
32998 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33000 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33001 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33005 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33006 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33009 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33010 just like everyone else.
33012 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33013 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33014 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33015 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33016 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33017 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33018 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33019 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33020 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33021 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33022 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33023 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33024 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33025 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33026 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33027 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33028 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33029 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33031 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33032 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33033 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33034 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33035 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33036 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33037 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
33038 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33039 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33040 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33041 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33042 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33043 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33044 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33047 Measure twice, cut once.
33049 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33052 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33054 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33057 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33058 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33061 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33063 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33064 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33065 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33069 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33070 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33073 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33074 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33077 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33078 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33079 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33080 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33082 I guess some things never leave you.
33083 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
33085 Memory fault -- brain fried
33087 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33089 Memory fault - where am I?
33091 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33093 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33096 Men are superior to women.
33099 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33102 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33103 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33106 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33109 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33110 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33113 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33114 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33117 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33119 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33121 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33122 from religious conviction.
33123 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
33125 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33128 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33129 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33130 -- Winston Churchill
33132 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33133 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33135 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33137 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33138 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33140 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33141 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33142 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33143 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33144 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33145 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33146 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
33148 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33151 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33153 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33155 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33156 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33158 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33159 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33162 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33163 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
33164 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
33165 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33166 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33168 Men who cherish for women the highest
33169 respect are seldom popular with them.
33172 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33173 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33175 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33176 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33177 cork makes when it is popped.
33179 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33180 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33182 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33183 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33184 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33185 can never hope to acquire it.
33187 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
33189 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33190 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33191 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33194 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33195 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33199 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33202 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33205 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33207 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33209 Message will arrive in the mail.
33210 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33213 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33214 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33216 Metermaids eat their young.
33218 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33219 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33220 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33221 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33222 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33223 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33224 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33225 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33226 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33227 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33228 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33229 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33230 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33231 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33232 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33233 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33234 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33235 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33236 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33237 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33238 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33239 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33240 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33241 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33242 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33243 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33244 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33245 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33248 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33254 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33256 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33258 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33259 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33261 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33263 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33265 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
33266 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33267 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
33269 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33270 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33272 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33275 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33277 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33279 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33282 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33286 Lose a few, lose a few.
33289 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33291 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
33292 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33295 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
33296 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
33297 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
33298 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
33299 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
33300 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
33301 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
33302 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
33303 the gold and the black.
33304 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33306 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
33307 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
33308 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
33309 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
33310 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
33311 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
33313 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33315 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33318 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33322 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33323 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33324 come fall in love with a loon.
33325 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33326 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33327 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33328 where the elite meet sleet.
33329 glove it or leave it.
33330 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33331 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33332 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33334 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33336 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33337 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
33340 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
33342 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
33345 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
33347 Misery no longer loves company.
33348 Nowadays it insists on it.
33352 The kind of fortune that never misses.
33353 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33355 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
33358 A title with which we brand unmarried
33359 women to indicate that they are in the market.
33360 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33363 A person who depends on accidental features or
33364 implementation errors and so now has a vested
33365 interest in keeping things from being fixed.
33366 -- Chip Morningstar
33368 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
33370 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
33373 The Georgia Tech of the North
33375 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
33376 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
33377 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
33379 Mittsquinter, adj.:
33380 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
33381 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
33382 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33384 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
33385 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
33389 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
33390 With five empty seats.
33393 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
33394 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
33396 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
33398 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
33399 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
33400 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
33401 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
33404 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
33405 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
33406 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
33407 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
33408 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
33409 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
33410 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
33411 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
33412 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
33414 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
33418 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
33419 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
33421 Moderation in all things.
33422 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
33424 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
33427 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
33428 themselves that they have a better idea.
33431 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
33433 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
33434 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
33435 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
33436 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
33437 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
33438 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
33439 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
33440 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
33441 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
33442 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
33443 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
33444 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
33447 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
33449 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
33452 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
33453 not to be aware of it.
33456 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
33457 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
33459 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
33461 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
33462 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
33464 Moebius always does it on the same side.
33466 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
33468 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
33469 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
33470 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
33472 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
33473 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
33474 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
33475 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
33476 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
33477 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
33478 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
33479 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
33480 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
33481 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
33482 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
33483 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
33486 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
33487 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
33488 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
33489 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
33490 the atom in that it is an ion...
33491 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33493 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
33494 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
33495 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
33498 What you give a person when they are going away.
33500 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
33503 When they finally do have to take you to the
33504 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
33506 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
33509 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
33510 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33513 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
33514 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33516 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
33518 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33520 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
33524 but is excellent kindling.
33526 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
33527 Is a keen observer of life,
33528 The word intellectual suggests right away
33529 A man who's untrue to his wife.
33530 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33532 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33533 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33536 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33537 -- Christopher Marlowe
33539 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33542 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33545 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33547 Money is its own reward.
33549 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33551 Money is the root of all wealth.
33553 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33556 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33557 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33559 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33561 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33562 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33564 Money will say more in one moment than
33565 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33567 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33570 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33574 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33577 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33580 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33582 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33583 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33584 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33585 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33588 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33589 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33592 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33593 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33596 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33598 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33601 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33602 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33606 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33609 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33611 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33613 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33614 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33615 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33616 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33617 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33618 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33619 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33620 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33621 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33623 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33624 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33625 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33626 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33628 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33629 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33630 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33631 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33633 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33634 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33635 I just want to win one little lottery."
33636 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33637 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33640 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33642 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33643 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33644 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33646 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33647 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33648 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33651 The state bird of New Jersey.
33653 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33655 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33656 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33657 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33658 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33659 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33660 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33661 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33662 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33663 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33664 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33665 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33668 Most folks they like the daytime,
33669 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33670 They're up in the morning,
33671 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33672 But when the sun goes down,
33673 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33675 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33676 and one of them is always night.
33677 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33678 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33679 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33680 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33682 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33685 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33688 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33689 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33691 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33692 difficulties before we get to them.
33695 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33696 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33697 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33698 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33699 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33700 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33701 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33702 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33703 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33704 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33706 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33708 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33710 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33711 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33712 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33716 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33718 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33722 Most people deserve each other.
33725 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33726 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33728 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33731 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33733 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33734 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33735 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33736 -- W. Somerset Maugham
33738 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33740 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33741 a good reason, and the real reason.
33743 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33744 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33747 Most people need some of their problems
33748 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33750 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33752 Most people want either less corruption
33753 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33755 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33756 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33758 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33760 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33762 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33763 can't talk for people who can't read.
33766 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33768 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33774 Mother Earth is not flat!
33776 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33779 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33781 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33784 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
33786 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33787 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33790 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33791 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33792 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33794 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33796 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33798 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33802 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33803 population is growing.
33805 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33806 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33807 shirts but they're going back.
33809 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33810 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33812 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33813 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33814 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33816 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33817 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33820 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33821 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33822 wrong, "Up to a point."
33823 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33824 Yokohama isn't it?"
33825 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33826 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33827 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33828 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33830 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33833 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33834 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33837 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33838 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33839 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33841 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33842 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33843 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33845 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33846 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33847 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33848 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33849 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33851 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33852 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33853 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33854 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33855 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33856 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33857 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33858 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33860 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33862 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33863 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33864 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33865 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33866 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33867 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33868 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33869 as much fun to watch.
33870 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
33873 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
33875 Mummy dust to make me old;
33876 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
33877 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
33878 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
33879 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
33880 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
33881 Now begin thy magic spell!
33882 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
33885 -- Miguel de Cervantes
33887 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
33888 -- Xaviera Hollander
33890 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
33892 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
33893 talk about after dinner.
33894 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
33896 Murphy was an optimist.
33898 Murphy's Discovery:
33899 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
33900 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
33901 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
33904 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
33906 Murphy's Law of Research:
33907 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
33909 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
33910 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
33913 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
33914 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
33915 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
33918 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
33920 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
33923 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
33925 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
33926 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
33929 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
33930 long it has become a science project.
33931 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33933 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
33934 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
33936 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
33937 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
33938 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
33939 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
33940 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
33942 And you know two heads are better than one.
33944 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
33945 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
33946 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
33947 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
33948 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
33949 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
33950 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
33951 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
33952 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
33953 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
33954 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
33955 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
33957 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
33959 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
33961 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
33962 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
33964 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
33965 The height of its contents to see!
33966 She lit a small match to assist her,
33967 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
33969 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
33970 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
33971 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
33972 a bulls-eye on the back.
33974 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
33975 said, "So will you."
33976 -- Rodney Dangerfield
33978 My brain is my second favorite organ.
33981 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
33982 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
33985 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
33986 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
33987 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
33988 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
33989 decimal points for the sake of precision.
33990 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
33991 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
33992 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
33993 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
33994 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
33996 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
33997 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
33999 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34000 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34001 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34002 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34003 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34004 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34005 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34006 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34007 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34009 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34010 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34012 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34014 My darling wife was always glum.
34015 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34016 And so made sure that she would stay
34017 In better spirits night and day.
34019 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34020 Unless there are three other people.
34023 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34025 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34026 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34030 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34033 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34034 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34035 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34037 My father taught me three things:
34038 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34039 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34040 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34042 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34043 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34046 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34049 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34050 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34051 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
34053 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34054 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34055 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34056 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34057 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34058 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34059 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34060 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34062 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34063 but they were there to meet the boat.
34065 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34066 later I can ask him what he meant.
34069 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34070 but always, always, he was right.
34072 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34073 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34074 back and dig her up.
34076 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34077 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34078 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34079 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34080 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34082 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34084 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34086 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34088 My interest is in the future because I am
34089 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34091 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34094 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34095 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34096 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34097 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34098 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34099 As the fragrance of acacia.
34100 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34101 And I wish he were in Asia.
34102 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34104 My love runs by like a day in June,
34105 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34106 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34107 In the pathway or the morrows.
34108 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34109 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34110 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34111 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34112 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34114 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34115 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34116 -- George Bernard Shaw
34118 My mind can never know my body, although
34119 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34120 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34122 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34125 My mother loved children -- she would
34126 have given anything if I had been one.
34129 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34130 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34131 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34132 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34134 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34138 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34139 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34140 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34141 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34143 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34144 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34145 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34146 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34149 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34151 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34152 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34154 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34155 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34156 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34158 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34160 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34163 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34164 And he cares not what comes after.
34165 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34166 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34167 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34168 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34169 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34170 And I wish I'd never met him.
34171 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34173 My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
34174 perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
34175 words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
34176 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34178 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34179 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34180 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34181 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34182 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34183 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34184 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34185 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34186 -- James A. Michener
34188 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34190 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34191 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34192 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34193 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34196 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34199 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34202 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34205 My rackets are run on strictly American
34206 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34209 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34210 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34211 with our frail and feeble mind.
34214 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34215 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34216 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34217 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34218 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34219 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34220 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34221 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34222 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34223 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34224 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34225 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34226 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34227 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34230 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34231 reason to limit myself.
34234 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34235 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34237 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34238 I do not like me anymore,
34239 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34240 I ponder on the narrow house
34241 I shudder at the thought of men
34242 I'm due to fall in love again.
34243 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34245 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34246 -- Christopher Morley
34248 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34251 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34252 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34255 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34257 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34258 -- Booth Tarkington
34261 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
34262 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34263 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34266 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34267 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34268 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34270 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34272 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34273 "So, how's your daughter?"
34274 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34275 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34276 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34277 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34280 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34282 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34285 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34288 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34291 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34293 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34295 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34296 -- The Mad Palindromist
34298 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34300 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34302 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34304 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34305 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34307 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34309 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
34310 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
34311 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
34314 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
34315 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
34316 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
34317 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
34318 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
34319 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
34320 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
34323 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
34324 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
34327 "Have you ever seen me before?"
34329 "Then how do you know it was me?"
34331 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
34333 "Why?", he was asked.
34334 "Because at night we need the light more."
34336 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
34337 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
34338 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
34339 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
34341 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
34343 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
34344 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
34345 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
34347 Natural laws have no pity.
34349 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
34350 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
34351 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
34352 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
34353 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
34354 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
34355 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
34359 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
34360 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
34361 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
34365 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
34366 -- Clare Booth Luce
34368 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
34370 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
34371 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
34373 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
34374 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
34376 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
34378 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
34380 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
34381 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
34384 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
34385 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
34388 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
34389 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
34390 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
34391 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
34392 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
34393 The solid power of understanding fails;
34394 Where beams of warm imagination play,
34395 The memory's soft figures melt away.
34396 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
34398 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
34401 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
34402 On the Rue des Ecoles
34405 Every evening I would see him
34406 guiding the dog along
34407 the sidewalk, keeping
34408 a firm grip on the leash
34409 so that the dog wouldn't
34410 run into a passerby
34411 Sometimes the dog would stop
34412 and look up at the sky
34414 noticed me watching the dog
34415 and he said, "Oh, yes,
34417 when the moon is out,
34418 he can feel it on his face"
34421 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
34422 want to test a man's character, give him power.
34425 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
34426 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
34429 Necessity has no law.
34432 Necessity hath no law.
34435 Necessity is a mother.
34437 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
34438 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
34439 -- Alfred North Whitehead
34441 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
34442 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
34443 -- William Pitt, 1783
34445 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
34448 Needs are a function of what other people have.
34450 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
34453 Neil Armstrong tripped.
34455 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
34457 Nemo me impune lacessit
34458 [No one provokes me with impunity]
34459 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
34462 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
34463 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
34464 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
34467 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
34471 Melancholia's blue.
34475 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
34476 Psychotics live in them,
34477 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
34479 Neutrinos are into physicists.
34481 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
34484 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
34485 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
34486 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
34488 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
34491 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
34492 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
34495 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
34497 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
34499 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
34501 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
34504 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
34505 Professionals built the Titanic.
34507 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
34509 Never buy from a rich salesman.
34512 Never buy what you do not want
34513 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
34514 -- Thomas Jefferson
34516 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
34518 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
34520 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
34522 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
34524 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
34528 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
34530 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
34531 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
34532 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
34533 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
34535 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
34537 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
34538 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
34539 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34541 Never eat more than you can lift.
34544 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34545 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34547 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34548 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34551 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34554 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34556 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34558 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34560 Never give an inch!
34562 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
34565 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34566 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34568 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34571 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34574 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34576 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34578 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34581 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34584 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34586 Never laugh at live dragons.
34587 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
34589 Never leave anything to chance;
34590 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34592 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34595 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34596 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34598 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34600 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34601 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34603 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34606 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34608 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34609 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34611 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34613 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34615 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34617 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34618 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34620 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34622 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34624 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34626 Never promise more than you can perform.
34629 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34632 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34634 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34636 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34637 law against it by that time.
34639 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34643 Never reveal your best argument.
34645 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34647 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34649 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34651 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34654 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34656 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34658 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34660 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34661 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34662 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34663 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34666 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34668 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34669 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34670 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34672 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34675 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34677 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34679 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34681 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34684 Never trust an operating system.
34686 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34688 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34690 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34692 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34694 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34696 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34697 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34699 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34700 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34702 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34703 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34705 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34707 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34708 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34710 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34711 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34713 Never volunteer for anything.
34716 Never worry about theory as long as the
34717 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34718 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34721 Different color from previous model.
34723 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34725 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34727 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34728 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34730 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34731 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34733 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34734 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34737 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34738 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34739 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34741 New systems generate new problems.
34743 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34744 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34745 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34747 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34749 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34750 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34753 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34754 Flyin' in from London to your door
34755 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34756 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34758 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34760 New York's got the ways and means;
34761 Just won't let you be.
34762 -- The Grateful Dead
34765 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34766 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34768 Newman's Discovery:
34769 Your best dreams may not come true;
34770 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34773 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34774 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34779 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34780 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34783 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34785 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
34787 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34789 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34790 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34792 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34793 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34795 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34798 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34800 Nice guys finish last.
34803 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34806 Nice guys get sick.
34808 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34809 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34811 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34813 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34814 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34815 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34817 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34819 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34820 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34821 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34822 but Americans call him by value.
34824 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34825 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34826 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34827 Three megs for system source;
34829 One disk to rule them all,
34830 One disk to bind them,
34831 One disk to hold the files
34832 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34834 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34835 And tapes without any tracks;
34836 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34837 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34838 Take hold of the tape
34839 And pull off the strip,
34840 And then you'll be sure
34841 Your tape drive will skip.
34843 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34845 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34848 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34849 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34852 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34853 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34854 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34856 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34857 that be and their friends hang out.
34860 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34861 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34862 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34863 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34865 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34868 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
34870 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
34872 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
34873 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
34876 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
34880 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
34881 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
34883 No character, however upright, is a match for
34884 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
34885 -- Alexander Hamilton
34887 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
34888 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
34889 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
34890 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
34892 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
34893 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
34894 effectively under such difficult conditions.
34895 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
34899 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
34900 lectures which are really worth the attending.
34901 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
34903 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
34904 on the grounds that it was human nature.
34906 No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
34907 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
34909 No evil can happen to a good man.
34912 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
34915 No extensible language will be universal.
34918 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
34919 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
34922 No good deed goes unpunished.
34923 -- Clare Boothe Luce
34925 No group of professionals meets except to
34926 conspire against the public at large.
34929 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
34930 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
34931 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
34935 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
34936 until three software guys have signed off for it.
34937 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
34939 No, his mind is not for rent
34940 To any god or government.
34941 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
34942 He knows changes aren't permanent -
34945 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
34947 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
34948 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
34949 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
34951 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
34952 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
34954 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
34955 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
34956 and Telegraph Company.
34957 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
34960 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
34963 No job too big; no fee too big!
34964 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
34966 No line available at 300 baud.
34968 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
34969 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
34970 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
34971 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
34972 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
34973 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
34974 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
34975 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
34980 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
34981 interest in hair restorers.
34984 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
34986 -- Channing Pollock
34988 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
34989 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
34990 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
34991 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
34992 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
34993 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
34994 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
34996 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
34998 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35000 No man is useless who has a friend,
35001 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35002 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35004 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35007 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35008 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35011 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35012 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35015 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35016 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35017 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35021 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35023 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35025 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35026 signs of improvement.
35027 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35029 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35032 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35034 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35035 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35037 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35039 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35040 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35042 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35043 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35046 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35047 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35050 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35051 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35052 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35053 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35054 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35055 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35056 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35058 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35059 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35061 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35063 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35064 dirty little beast.
35067 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35068 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35070 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35072 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35074 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35076 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35077 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35079 No one knows like a woman how to say
35080 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35083 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35086 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35089 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35092 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35093 one who's giving it.
35096 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35097 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35099 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35100 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35104 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35105 For this isn't really the norm.
35106 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35107 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35109 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35110 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35111 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35112 Cast even more perils before swine.
35114 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35115 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35116 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35117 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35119 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35120 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35121 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35122 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35124 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35125 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35126 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35127 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35130 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35131 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35132 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35133 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35135 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35136 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35137 their wish has been granted.
35138 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35140 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35142 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35145 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35147 "No program is perfect,"
35148 They said with a shrug.
35149 "The customer's happy--
35150 What's one little bug?"
35152 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35153 The others went home. As year followed year.
35154 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35155 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35157 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35158 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35159 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35160 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35162 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35163 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35164 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35165 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35166 -- The Perfect Programmer
35168 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35169 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35170 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
35171 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
35172 indication-applied occurrence.
35175 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35177 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35178 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35181 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35182 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35185 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
35187 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35188 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35190 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35192 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35193 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35194 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
35196 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35198 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35199 Finished his old Raven,
35200 then he started his Old Crow.
35202 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35205 No spitting on the Bus!
35206 Thank you, The Management.
35208 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35209 -- Richard M. Nixon
35211 No two persons ever read the same book.
35214 No use getting too involved in life --
35215 you're only here for a limited time.
35217 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35220 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
35221 she will or will not be a mother.
35222 -- Margaret H. Sanger
35224 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35225 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
35227 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35228 him than he deserves.
35231 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35232 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35234 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35236 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35238 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35240 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
35242 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35244 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35246 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35249 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35251 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35253 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35254 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35255 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35256 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35257 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35258 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35261 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35263 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35267 Everybody hates me,
35268 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35269 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35270 Eat their insides out,
35271 And throw way the skins.
35272 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35273 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35274 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35276 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35277 And then it's too late.
35279 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35282 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35283 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35284 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35286 Only Capone kills like that.
35287 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35289 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35290 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35292 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
35293 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
35294 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
35297 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35298 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35300 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35301 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35303 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35304 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35306 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35307 coming in late and lying about it.
35311 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35312 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35316 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35320 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35326 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35329 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35331 None love the bearer of bad news.
35334 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35335 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35336 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35337 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35338 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35339 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35340 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35341 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35342 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
35344 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
35345 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35346 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35348 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
35351 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
35354 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
35356 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
35358 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
35359 intentions. He had money as well.
35360 -- Margaret Thatcher
35362 Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
35363 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
35364 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
35365 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
35366 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
35367 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
35368 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
35369 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
35370 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
35371 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
35372 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
35373 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
35374 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
35375 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
35376 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
35377 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
35378 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
35379 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
35380 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
35381 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
35382 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
35385 Norm: Hey, everybody.
35386 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
35387 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
35389 How are you feeling today, Norm?
35390 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
35391 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
35393 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
35394 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
35396 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
35398 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
35399 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
35400 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
35402 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
35403 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
35405 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
35406 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
35407 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
35409 Coach: How's life, Norm?
35410 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
35411 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
35413 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
35415 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
35416 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
35417 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
35419 Coach: What's up, Normie?
35420 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
35421 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
35423 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
35425 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35427 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
35429 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
35430 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
35431 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
35432 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
35434 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
35435 Norm: Elope with my wife.
35436 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35438 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
35439 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
35440 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
35444 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
35445 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
35446 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35448 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
35449 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
35450 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
35451 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
35453 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
35454 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
35455 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
35457 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
35459 Coach: What's up, Norm?
35460 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
35461 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35463 Sam: What's new, Normie?
35464 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
35465 They're demanding beer.
35466 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
35468 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
35469 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
35470 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
35472 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
35473 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
35475 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
35477 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
35478 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
35479 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
35481 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
35482 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
35483 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
35484 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
35486 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
35488 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
35489 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
35490 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
35492 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
35494 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
35496 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
35498 Not all men who drink are poets.
35499 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
35501 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
35502 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
35504 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
35505 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
35507 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
35508 the capitalist mode of production.
35511 Not every question deserves an answer.
35513 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
35515 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
35516 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
35517 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
35518 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
35519 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
35520 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
35521 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
35522 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
35523 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
35524 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
35526 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
35527 -- William Shakespeare
35529 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
35530 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
35531 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
35533 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
35534 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
35536 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
35539 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
35540 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
35541 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
35543 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
35546 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
35547 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
35548 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
35550 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
35551 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35552 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35553 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35554 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35555 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35556 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35557 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35558 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35559 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35560 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35561 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35562 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35563 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35565 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35567 Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35568 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35570 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35572 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35573 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35574 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35575 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35576 not to make any poultry jokes.
35579 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35580 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35582 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35585 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35587 Nothing endures but change.
35589 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35591 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35592 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35595 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35596 -- Winston Churchill
35598 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35599 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35602 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35604 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35606 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35607 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35608 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35610 Nothing is but what is not.
35612 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35614 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35616 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35617 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35619 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35621 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35624 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35627 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35628 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35631 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35633 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35634 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35635 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35637 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35638 -- Michel de Montaigne
35640 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35641 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35643 Nothing lasts forever.
35644 Where do I find nothing?
35646 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35648 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35649 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35652 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35655 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35656 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35658 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35659 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35660 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35661 which can be offered to a personality.
35662 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
35664 Nothing recedes like success.
35667 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35668 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35671 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35674 Nothing succeeds like success.
35677 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35678 -- Christopher Lascl
35680 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35683 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35684 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35685 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35686 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35687 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35688 She got from trying to fight
35689 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35691 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35692 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35693 She said it before, she said it to me,
35694 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35695 But the same old four imaginary walls
35696 She'd built for livin' inside
35697 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35699 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35700 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35701 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35702 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35703 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35704 The veil that covered her eyes,
35705 I said oh, you can leave it.
35706 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35708 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35711 Nothing will ever be attempted
35712 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35716 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35717 be summarily put out.
35721 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35723 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35725 Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
35726 French for "not enough food".
35728 Continental breakfast, n.:
35729 English for "not enough food".
35732 Spanish for "not enough food".
35735 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35738 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35739 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35741 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35743 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35744 not better, just different.
35746 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35748 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35749 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35750 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35752 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35753 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35754 If he should stop before I wake,
35755 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35758 Now I lay me down to sleep
35759 I pray the double lock will keep;
35760 May no brick through the window break,
35761 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35763 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35764 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35765 If I should die before I wake,
35766 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35768 Now I lay me down to study,
35769 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35770 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35771 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35772 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35773 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35774 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35775 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35777 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35780 Now is the time for drinking;
35781 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35782 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35784 Now it's time to say goodbye
35785 To all our company...
35786 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35787 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35790 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35791 Twenty will not come again,
35792 And take from seventy springs a score,
35793 It leaves me only fifty more.
35795 And since to look at things in bloom
35796 Fifty springs are little room,
35797 About the woodlands I will go
35798 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35801 Now that day wearies me,
35803 Will receive more kindly,
35804 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35806 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35807 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35809 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35811 And my soul, unguarded,
35812 Would soar on widespread wings,
35813 To live in night's magical sphere
35814 More profoundly, more variously.
35815 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35817 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35818 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35819 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35820 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35822 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35823 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35824 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35825 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35826 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35827 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35828 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35830 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35832 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35833 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35834 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35835 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35837 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35838 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35839 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35841 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35842 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35845 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35847 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35850 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35851 the next freeway exit.
35853 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35854 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35855 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35856 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35857 We see him and he's all washed up --
35858 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35859 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35860 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35862 Death and Money make their point once more
35863 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35864 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35865 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35866 Have the courage of the here and now
35867 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35868 When you think you got it paid in full
35869 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
35870 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35871 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
35872 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35873 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
35874 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
35876 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
35877 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
35878 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
35879 Times, June 10, 1955.
35881 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
35884 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
35887 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
35888 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
35889 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
35891 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
35894 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
35896 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
35898 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
35900 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
35902 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
35905 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
35907 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
35908 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
35909 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
35910 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
35913 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
35914 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
35915 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
35916 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
35918 O! If I were a fish
35919 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
35920 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
35923 For fish don't ever mish;
35924 They needn't flush after they pish!
35925 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
35926 For all the fish!!!
35929 Where the buffalo roam,
35930 Where the deer and the antelope play,
35931 Where seldom is heard
35932 A discouraging word,
35933 'Cause what can an antelope say?
35935 O imitators, you slavish herd!
35936 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35939 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
35940 To use it like a giant.
35941 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
35943 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
35944 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
35946 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
35947 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
35948 Might we not smash it to bits
35949 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
35950 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
35954 Objects are lost only because people
35955 look where they are not rather than where they are.
35958 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
35960 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
35961 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
35962 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
35964 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
35967 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
35970 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
35971 To activate its captivation,
35972 Deposit on its termination,
35973 A quantity of particles saline.
35975 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
35977 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
35978 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
35979 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
35980 of the grandstands.
35982 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
35985 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
35986 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
35989 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
35990 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
35991 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
35992 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
35993 are the principal industries of the Orient.
35994 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35997 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
35998 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36000 Odets, where is thy sting?
36001 -- George S. Kaufman
36003 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36005 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36006 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36009 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36010 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36012 -- Thomas L. Martin
36014 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36017 Of all the words of witch's doom
36018 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36019 The man who kills both which and whom
36020 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36023 Of all things man is the measure.
36026 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36029 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36030 if you don't know them too well.
36031 -- Charles Bukowski
36033 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36034 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36037 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36038 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36040 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36042 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36043 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36045 Office Automation, n.:
36046 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36047 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36049 Official Project Stages:
36050 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36052 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36054 5. Search for the Guilty
36055 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36056 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36058 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36059 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36061 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36064 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36066 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36068 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36071 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36073 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36074 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36075 And isn't your life extremely flat
36076 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36078 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36079 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36080 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36081 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36083 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36084 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36085 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36086 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36088 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36089 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36090 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36091 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36093 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36094 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36095 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36096 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36098 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36099 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36100 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36101 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36102 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36104 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36106 Oh, give me a home,
36107 Where the buffalo roam,
36108 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36110 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36111 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36112 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36113 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36114 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
36115 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36116 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36117 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36118 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36119 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36120 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36121 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36122 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36123 And living up here is a bore.
36124 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36125 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36127 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36128 Where the space debris always collects,
36129 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36130 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36131 -- to Home on the Range
36133 Oh give me your pity!
36134 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36135 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36136 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36138 We confer and concur,
36139 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36140 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36141 And consider a load of reports.
36143 We compose and propose,
36144 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36145 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36146 There's terribly little gets done.
36148 We resolve and absolve;
36149 But we never dissolve,
36150 Since it's out of the question for us
36151 To bring our committee
36152 To end like this ditty,
36153 Which stops with a period, thus.
36154 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36156 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36157 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36158 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36159 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36160 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36161 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36162 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36163 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36164 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36165 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36166 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36167 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36168 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36169 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36170 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36172 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36173 I muck with indices and structs all day
36174 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36175 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36177 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36178 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36179 Shooting up my veins,
36180 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36181 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36182 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36183 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36184 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
36186 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36187 be irresponsible, too.
36190 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36191 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36192 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36193 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36194 You have not dreamed of --
36195 Wheeled and soared and swung
36196 High in the sunlit silence.
36198 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36199 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36200 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36201 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36202 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36203 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36204 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36205 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36206 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
36208 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36209 From a typical American town.
36210 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36211 And keeping old Castro down.
36212 And when it came my time to serve
36213 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36214 But when I got to my old draft board,
36215 Buddy, this is what I said:
36218 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36219 And I always carry a purse!
36220 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36221 And my asthma's getting worse!
36222 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36223 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36224 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36225 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36226 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36228 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36229 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36230 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36231 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36233 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36234 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36235 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36237 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36238 it's what you do with what you have left.
36239 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36241 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36242 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36244 Oh, so there you are!
36246 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36247 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36248 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36249 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36250 -- The Smothers Brothers
36252 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36253 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36255 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36256 To see oursel's as others see us!
36257 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36258 And foolish notion.
36259 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36261 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36262 Born under one law, to another bound.
36263 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36265 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36267 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36268 -- William Shakespeare
36270 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36271 Then I was clean and brave,
36272 And miles around the wonder grew
36273 How well did I behave.
36275 And now the fancy passes by,
36276 And nothing will remain,
36277 And miles around they'll say that I
36278 Am quite myself again.
36281 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36283 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
36284 you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
36285 J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
36286 you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
36288 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36289 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36293 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36294 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36295 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36296 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36297 save precious time and electrons.
36300 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36303 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36305 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36306 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36307 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36308 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36310 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36312 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
36315 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36318 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36321 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36323 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36325 Old Japanese proverb:
36326 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36327 and those who climb it twice.
36329 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36331 Old mail has arrived.
36333 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
36334 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
36335 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36337 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36338 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36339 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36340 And so was her daughter, I guess...
36342 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
36344 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
36346 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
36348 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
36350 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
36353 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
36356 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
36358 Omnibiblious, adj.:
36359 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
36362 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
36364 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
36367 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
36369 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
36372 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
36373 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
36375 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
36376 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
36379 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
36380 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
36381 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
36383 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
36384 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
36388 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
36389 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
36390 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
36391 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
36392 you come any closer."
36393 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
36395 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
36397 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
36398 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
36399 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
36402 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
36403 proposition that all men are created jerks.
36404 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
36406 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
36407 same moment -- halftime.
36409 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
36411 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
36412 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
36413 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
36414 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
36416 On the subject of C program indentation:
36418 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
36419 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
36420 -- Blair P. Houghton
36422 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
36423 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
36425 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
36426 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
36427 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
36428 ideas that could provoke such a question.
36431 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
36432 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
36433 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
36435 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
36436 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36440 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36442 Once again dread deed is done.
36444 his all-knowing eye shaded
36445 to human chance and circumstance.
36446 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
36447 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
36449 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
36450 Impatient hands wait eagerly
36452 scant moments of time
36453 wrested from life in the full
36454 glory of Canon's power;
36455 held captive by his unblinking eye.
36457 Three golden orbs stand watch;
36458 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
36459 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
36460 When that feared moment arrives,
36461 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
36462 It tolls for thee."
36463 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
36464 Valley Pawn Shop today"
36466 Once Again From the Top
36468 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
36469 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
36470 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
36471 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
36472 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
36473 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
36474 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
36475 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
36476 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
36477 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
36478 The Herald regrets the errors."
36479 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
36481 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
36482 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
36485 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
36486 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
36487 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
36488 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
36489 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
36490 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
36492 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
36493 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
36494 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
36495 principals or your mistress."
36497 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
36500 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
36501 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
36502 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
36503 the railroad yards."
36504 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
36505 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
36506 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
36508 Once I finally figured out all of life's
36509 answers, they changed the questions.
36511 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
36512 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
36513 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
36515 Once is happenstance,
36516 Twice is coincidence,
36517 Three times is enemy action.
36518 -- Auric Goldfinger
36520 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
36521 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
36523 Once Law was sitting on the bench
36524 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
36525 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
36526 Nor come before me creeping.
36527 Upon your knees if you appear,
36528 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
36530 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
36531 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
36532 "Amica curiae," she replied --
36533 "Friend of the court, so please you."
36534 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
36535 I never saw your face before!"
36536 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36538 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
36539 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
36540 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
36541 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
36544 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
36547 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
36548 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
36549 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
36550 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
36551 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36552 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36553 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36554 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36555 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36556 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36557 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36558 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36559 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36560 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36561 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36562 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36563 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36564 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36565 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36566 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36567 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36568 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36570 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36571 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36572 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36573 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36574 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36575 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36576 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36577 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36578 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36580 Once upon a time there...
36582 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36583 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36584 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36585 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36586 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36587 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36588 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36589 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36591 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36594 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
36595 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
36596 the smaller prime numbers.
36598 2: The Odd Prime --
36599 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
36600 3: The True Prime --
36601 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
36602 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
36603 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
36604 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
36605 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
36606 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
36609 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
36610 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
36611 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
36613 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36614 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36615 Over many a broken and subordinate
36616 Volume of gnarly lore,
36617 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36618 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36619 As of someone profusely skulking,
36620 Skulking at my chamber door.
36622 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36624 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36625 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36627 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36628 somebody's listening.
36629 -- Franklin P. Jones
36631 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36633 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36635 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36636 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36637 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36639 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36641 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36643 One Bell System - it works.
36645 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36648 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36651 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36652 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36655 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36656 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36657 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36659 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36661 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36662 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36663 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36665 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36667 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36668 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36670 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36671 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36672 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36673 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36674 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36675 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36676 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36677 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36678 and march back home."
36679 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36680 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36681 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36682 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36683 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36685 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36686 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36687 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36688 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36689 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36690 is death by hanging."
36691 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36692 "I don't believe you."
36693 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36694 "But that would make it the truth!"
36695 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36697 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36698 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36699 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36700 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36701 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36702 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36703 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36704 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36705 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36706 there a number of details to be figured out.
36707 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36708 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36709 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36711 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36712 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36713 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36714 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36715 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36716 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36717 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36718 harmonic motion..."
36722 With nothing to say,
36723 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36724 That started: "One day,
36726 With nothing to say,
36727 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36728 That started: "One day,
36731 Were the words that the poet,
36733 To bring his mad poem,
36734 To some sort of close".
36735 Were the words that the poet,
36737 To bring his mad poem,
36738 To some sort of close".
36740 One difference between a man and a machine
36741 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36743 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36746 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36747 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36748 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36749 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36750 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36751 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36752 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36753 been havin' all these years."
36754 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36755 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36756 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36757 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36758 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36759 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36760 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36761 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36762 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36764 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36767 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36769 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36772 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36773 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36775 -- Henry Brook Adams
36777 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36778 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36780 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36781 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36783 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36785 One good thing about music,
36786 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36787 So hit me with music;
36788 Hit me with music now.
36789 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36791 One good turn asketh another.
36794 One good turn deserves another.
36797 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36799 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36800 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36803 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36806 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36807 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36809 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36812 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36815 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36816 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36818 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36820 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36821 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36822 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36823 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36827 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36830 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36833 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36834 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36836 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36839 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36841 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36842 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36845 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36847 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36848 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36851 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36855 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36857 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36859 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36860 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36861 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36862 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36863 nobody can touch him.
36864 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36866 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36867 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
36871 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
36872 enough to give you presents they make at school.
36875 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
36876 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
36877 -- Joyce Carol Oates
36879 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
36880 do and always a clever thing to say.
36883 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
36884 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
36885 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
36886 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
36887 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
36888 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
36889 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
36890 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
36891 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
36892 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
36893 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
36895 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
36896 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
36899 One of the most striking differences between a
36900 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
36903 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
36904 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
36906 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
36908 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
36910 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
36912 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
36913 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
36914 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
36915 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
36916 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
36918 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
36919 once had a publisher shot.
36920 -- Siegfried Unseld
36922 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
36924 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
36925 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
36926 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
36927 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
36928 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
36929 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
36930 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
36931 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
36932 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
36934 One organism, one vote.
36936 One person's error is another person's data.
36938 One picture is worth 128K words.
36940 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
36943 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
36944 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
36945 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
36946 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
36947 Go ask Alice Call Alice
36948 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
36950 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
36951 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
36952 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
36954 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
36955 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
36956 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
36959 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
36961 One planet is all you get.
36963 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
36964 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
36966 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
36967 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
36968 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
36969 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
36970 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
36971 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
36972 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
36973 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
36974 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
36975 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
36976 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
36977 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
36978 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
36979 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
36980 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
36981 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
36982 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
36984 One reason why George Washington
36985 Is held in such veneration:
36986 He never blamed his problems
36987 On the former Administration.
36988 -- George O. Ludcke
36990 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
36991 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
36992 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
36993 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
36994 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
36995 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
36996 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
36997 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37000 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37002 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37006 Doesn't fit anyone.
37008 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37010 One thing about the past.
37011 It's likely to last.
37014 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37015 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37016 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37017 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37019 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37021 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
37023 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37024 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37026 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37027 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37031 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37033 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37034 One toke over the line,
37035 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37036 One toke over the line.
37037 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37038 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37039 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37040 One toke over the line.
37042 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37045 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37047 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37048 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37051 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37055 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
37056 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37057 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37060 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37063 Only a fool has no doubts.
37065 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37066 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
37068 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37070 Only fools are quoted.
37073 Only God can make random selections.
37075 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37078 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37079 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37081 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37082 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37085 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37086 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37088 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37089 to use the editorial "we".
37091 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37092 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37094 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37097 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37098 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37099 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37100 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37101 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37102 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37103 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37104 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37105 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37106 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37107 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37108 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37110 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37113 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37114 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37117 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37119 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37121 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37122 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37123 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37124 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37125 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37126 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37127 -- Sicilian police officer
37129 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37130 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37132 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37134 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37136 Onward through the fog.
37138 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37140 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37143 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37144 feel like eating for the next six days.
37145 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37147 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37149 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37150 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37152 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
37153 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37154 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37155 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37157 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37158 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37161 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37162 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37163 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37164 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37165 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37166 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37169 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37172 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37174 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37175 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37176 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37177 would justify them."
37178 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37179 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37180 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37183 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37184 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37186 Optimization hinders evolution.
37188 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37191 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37193 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37194 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37198 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37201 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37204 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37205 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37209 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37210 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37213 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37214 to people you could not have possibly met.
37215 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37218 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37220 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37223 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37224 Where most she satisfies.
37225 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37227 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37229 Others will look to you for stability,
37230 so hide when you bite your nails.
37232 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37233 Murphy was an optimist.
37235 Ouch! That felt good!
37238 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37239 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37241 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37242 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37243 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37245 Our business in life is not to succeed
37246 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37247 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37249 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37250 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37251 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37252 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37253 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37254 home-made, hand-held model.
37256 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37257 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37259 a. Don't kill anybody.
37260 b. Don't build things that do.
37261 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37263 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37266 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
37267 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
37269 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37270 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37271 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37272 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
37274 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37278 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37279 means to be a programmer."
37281 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
37282 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
37283 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
37284 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
37285 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
37286 to have been quite real.
37287 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
37289 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37291 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37292 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37294 Our little systems have their day;
37295 They have their day and cease to be;
37296 They are but broken lights of thee.
37299 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37300 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37301 In kernel as it is in user.
37303 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37304 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37305 rain, we were punished.
37306 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37308 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37309 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37311 Our problems are so serious that the best
37312 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37314 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37315 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37316 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37317 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37319 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37320 -- Christopher Marlowe
37322 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37323 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37324 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37325 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37326 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37327 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37328 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37329 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37332 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37335 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37336 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37338 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37339 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37341 Out of sight is out of mind.
37344 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37347 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37349 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37350 it's too dark to read.
37353 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
37354 need of the manager than the programming task.
37356 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
37357 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
37359 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
37360 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
37361 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
37362 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
37363 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
37364 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
37365 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
37367 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
37368 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
37369 Concepts and Philosophies,"
37370 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
37372 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
37373 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
37374 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
37375 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
37377 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
37379 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
37381 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
37384 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
37386 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
37388 Owe no man any thing...
37391 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
37392 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
37393 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
37394 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
37395 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
37396 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
37397 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
37398 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
37399 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
37402 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
37403 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
37404 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
37405 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
37406 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
37408 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
37409 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
37410 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
37413 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
37414 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
37416 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
37419 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
37420 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
37421 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37422 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
37424 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
37425 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
37426 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
37427 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
37428 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
37429 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
37430 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
37432 troopa, n: A state policeman.
37433 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
37434 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
37435 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
37438 Falling out of a twenty story building,
37439 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
37442 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
37445 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
37447 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
37450 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
37451 exposing them to the critic.
37452 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37455 Never open a box you didn't close.
37457 panic: can't find /
37459 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
37461 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
37465 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
37466 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
37467 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
37468 2 soupcons == too much paprika
37470 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
37474 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
37476 Paralysis through analysis.
37479 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
37481 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
37483 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
37485 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
37487 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
37488 Now ... just try to find out where!
37490 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
37492 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
37493 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
37496 Pardon me while I laugh.
37498 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
37500 Pardo's First Postulate:
37501 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
37505 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
37507 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
37508 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
37511 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
37513 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
37514 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
37515 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
37517 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
37518 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
37519 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
37521 Parsley is gharsley.
37524 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
37527 A gathering where you meet people who drink
37528 so much you can't even remember their names.
37530 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
37531 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
37533 Pascal is not a high-level language.
37536 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
37537 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
37540 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
37541 in his grave if he knew about it.
37542 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
37545 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
37546 Please modify your programs accordingly.
37549 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
37550 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
37552 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
37557 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
37559 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
37560 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
37561 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
37562 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
37564 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
37565 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
37567 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
37568 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37571 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37573 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37574 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37575 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37576 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37577 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37578 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37579 par for the course, Charlie.
37580 -- The Firesign Theatre
37583 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37584 under brain transplants.
37586 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37587 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37590 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37592 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37594 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37597 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37598 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37600 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37601 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37603 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37604 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37606 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37607 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37609 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37610 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37611 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37614 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37615 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37616 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37618 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37621 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37624 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37627 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37630 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37634 You can't fall off the floor.
37636 Pause for storage relocation.
37638 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37639 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37642 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37643 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37644 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37645 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37655 up your ides under brown-
37662 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37664 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37665 can only be achieved by understanding.
37668 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37669 of land... let there be no more wars.
37670 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
37673 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37674 periods of fighting.
37675 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37679 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37680 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37681 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37683 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37685 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37686 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37687 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37688 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37690 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37691 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37692 the week that has a "y" in it.
37695 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37696 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37697 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37700 A car with only one working headlight.
37701 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37703 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37704 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37705 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37706 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37707 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37708 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37709 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37710 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37712 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37713 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37714 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37716 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37722 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37725 "I will never understand people."
37726 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37727 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37728 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37729 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37730 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37731 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37732 -- no offense intended."
37733 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37735 Penguin Trivia #46:
37736 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37737 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37742 A federally insured chain letter.
37744 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37745 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37746 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37747 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37748 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37749 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37750 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37752 People are beginning to notice you.
37753 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37755 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37757 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37759 People don't change; they only become more so.
37761 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37762 times, four time, five times...
37764 People in general do not willingly read
37765 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37768 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37769 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37771 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37772 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37774 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37776 -- Otto von Bismarck
37778 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37779 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37780 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37782 People often find it easier to be a
37783 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37785 People respond to people who respond.
37787 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37791 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37792 have been left out on the pleasure.
37795 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37796 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37797 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37798 the concentration camps.
37800 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37802 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37803 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37806 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37809 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37811 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37812 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37813 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37815 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37816 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37818 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37819 -- Abigail Van Buren
37821 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37823 People who have no faults are terrible;
37824 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37826 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37827 what they want that they don't want it.
37830 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37832 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37834 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37836 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37839 People who think they know everything
37840 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37842 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37843 Franklin said it first.
37845 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37847 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37850 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37852 People's Action Rules:
37853 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37854 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37855 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37856 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37857 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37859 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37862 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37863 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37865 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
37868 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
37871 One who makes his host feel at home.
37873 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
37874 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
37875 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
37878 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
37879 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
37880 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
37882 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
37883 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
37886 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
37887 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
37890 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
37892 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
37893 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
37894 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
37895 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
37897 Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
37901 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
37902 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
37903 -- Gandalf the Grey
37905 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
37906 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
37907 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
37908 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
37909 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
37910 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
37911 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
37912 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
37913 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
37914 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
37915 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
37916 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
37917 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
37918 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
37919 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
37920 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
37921 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
37923 -- Fowler's English Usage
37925 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
37926 a merit in political leaders.
37927 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
37929 Personifiers of the world, unite!
37930 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37931 -- Bernadette Bosky
37933 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37935 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
37936 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
37937 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
37938 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
37941 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
37942 wolf from the door.
37945 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
37949 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
37951 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
37952 Waiter: Who told you?
37953 Pete: A little swallow.
37955 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
37956 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
37957 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
37958 into suitable containers and cook until done.
37960 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
37961 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
37962 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
37963 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
37964 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
37966 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
37968 Peter's Law of Substitution:
37969 Look after the molehills, and the
37970 mountains will look after themselves.
37972 Peter's Principle of Success:
37973 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
37976 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
37979 Peterson's Admonition:
37980 When you think you're going down for the third time --
37981 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
37984 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
37985 are filled with something sticky.
37986 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
37987 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
37988 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
37991 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
37992 the window of a vending machine too long.
37993 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37995 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
37997 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
37998 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38000 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38003 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38006 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38008 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38011 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38014 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38015 that will bring it back to life).
38016 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38018 Photographing a volcano is just about
38019 the most miserable thing you can do.
38020 -- Robert B. Goodman
38021 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38023 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38024 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38025 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38026 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38028 Pick another fortune cookie.
38030 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38031 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38032 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38033 She left me not knowing what to do.
38035 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38036 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38037 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38038 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38040 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38041 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38042 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38043 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38044 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38046 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38047 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38048 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38049 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38050 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38053 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38054 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38056 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38057 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38058 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38060 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38061 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38064 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38070 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38071 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38072 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38073 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38075 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38076 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38079 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38080 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38082 Piping down the valleys wild,
38083 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38084 On a cloud I saw a child,
38085 And he laughing said to me:
38086 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38087 So I piped with merry cheer.
38088 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38089 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38090 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38092 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
38093 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38094 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38095 -- Love and Rockets
38097 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38098 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
38099 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
38100 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
38101 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
38104 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38105 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
38106 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
38107 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
38108 get run over by a bus.
38110 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38111 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38112 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38113 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38116 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38120 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38121 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38122 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38123 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38128 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38130 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38131 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38132 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38133 Don't shade your eyes,
38134 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38135 Only be sure to call it research.
38138 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38139 All the trees are red.
38140 No one ever dies there.
38141 No one has a head....
38143 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38144 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38145 -- Green Lantern Comics
38147 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38148 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38149 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38150 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38153 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38156 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38158 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38160 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38161 by asking me to do something for you.
38163 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38164 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38166 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38168 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38169 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38171 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38172 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38176 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38178 Please ignore previous fortune.
38180 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38182 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38184 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38185 us being hysterical at the same time.
38187 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38189 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38190 For we are young and free.
38191 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38192 Our home is girt by sea.
38193 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38194 Of beauty rich and rare.
38195 In history's page, let every stage
38196 Advance Australia Fair.
38197 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38198 Advance Australia Fair.
38200 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38202 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38204 God save our Gracious Queen!
38205 Long live our Noble Queen!
38206 God save the Queen!
38207 Send her victorious,
38208 Happy and glorious,
38209 Long to reign o'er us!
38210 God save the Queen!
38212 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38214 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38217 Our home and native land
38219 In all thy sons' command
38220 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38221 The true north strong and free
38222 From far and wide, O Canada
38223 We stand on guard for thee
38224 God keep our land glorious and free
38225 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38226 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38228 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38230 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38232 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38233 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38234 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38235 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38236 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38237 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38238 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38239 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38241 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38245 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38246 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
38247 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
38250 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38252 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38254 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38256 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38257 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38258 an uncontainable experience.
38263 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38266 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38268 Poisoned coffee, n.:
38269 Grounds for divorce.
38271 Poland has gun control.
38273 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38275 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38276 Host: About the drugs?
38278 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38279 Police: No, the noise.
38280 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38281 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38282 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38284 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38285 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38286 ask the host to quiet things down?
38287 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
38288 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38289 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38290 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38291 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38294 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38298 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38299 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38300 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38302 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38303 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38306 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38307 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38308 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
38309 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
38311 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38314 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38315 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
38316 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38319 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
38320 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
38321 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38323 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38324 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38326 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38327 been, and never will be wrong.
38330 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38331 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38334 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38335 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38339 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38340 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38341 -- Winston Churchill
38343 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
38344 systematic organisation of hatreds.
38345 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
38347 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
38348 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
38350 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
38351 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
38352 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38354 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
38355 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38358 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
38359 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
38360 explain why it didn't happen.
38361 -- Winston Churchill
38363 Politics, like religion, hold up the
38364 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
38365 -- Thomas Jefferson
38367 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
38371 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
38372 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
38373 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38375 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
38376 The hyperactive child is never absent.
38381 Polymer physicists are into chains.
38384 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
38385 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
38388 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
38389 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
38390 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
38391 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
38392 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
38394 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
38395 Half a pound of treacle
38396 That's the way the chimney smokes
38399 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
38400 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
38401 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
38402 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
38403 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
38405 Populus vult decipi.
38406 [The people like to be deceived.]
38408 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
38412 Survives system reboot.
38415 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
38418 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
38419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38421 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
38424 Post proelium, praemium.
38425 [After the battle, the reward.]
38427 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
38429 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38431 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
38432 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
38433 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
38434 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
38435 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
38437 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
38438 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
38439 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
38440 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
38441 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
38442 diets that are driving them crazy.
38444 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
38445 Except with sour cream.
38447 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38449 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
38450 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
38451 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
38452 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
38454 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
38455 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
38456 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
38457 general butter-melting by all.
38459 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
38460 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
38462 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
38465 An unfortunate state that persists as long
38466 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
38468 Poverty begins at home.
38470 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
38474 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
38475 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
38477 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
38478 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
38480 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
38482 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
38487 Power is the finest token of affection.
38489 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
38490 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
38491 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
38494 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
38496 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
38499 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
38501 Practical people would be more practical if
38502 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
38505 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
38508 Practically perfect people never permit
38509 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
38512 Practice is the best of all instructors.
38515 Practice yourself what you preach.
38516 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38519 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
38521 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
38522 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
38524 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
38527 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
38531 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
38532 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
38533 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38535 Predestination was doomed from the start.
38537 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
38541 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
38542 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38544 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
38547 Preserve the old, but know the new.
38549 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
38551 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
38553 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
38554 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
38556 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
38557 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
38558 -- The Washington Post
38560 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
38562 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
38563 It's on the other side.
38566 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
38568 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
38569 the working man, he loves to see him work.
38570 -- Winston Churchill
38572 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38573 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38574 -- Winston Churchill
38576 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38577 For having it off with his Mater;
38578 Revenge Dad or not?
38579 That's the gist of the plot,
38580 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38581 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38583 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38584 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38586 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38589 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38590 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38591 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38592 badly than someone else.
38594 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38597 Prizes are for children.
38599 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38601 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38603 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38604 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38605 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38606 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38607 -- Frederick Winsor
38609 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38610 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38611 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38612 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38616 A man who never buys.
38618 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38619 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38620 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38621 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38622 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38624 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38625 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38628 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38630 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38631 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38632 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38633 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38636 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38637 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38638 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38639 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38642 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38643 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38644 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38646 Programmers do it bit by bit.
38648 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38649 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38650 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38652 Programming Department:
38653 Mistakes made while you wait.
38655 Programming is an unnatural act.
38657 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38658 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38659 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38663 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38664 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38666 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38667 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38669 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38670 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38671 -- George Bernard Shaw
38673 Progress means replacing a theory that
38674 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38676 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38679 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38682 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38684 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38686 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38687 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38688 level where they can't foul up operations.
38690 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38692 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38694 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38695 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38697 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38699 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38700 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38701 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38702 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38703 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38704 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38706 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38707 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38708 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38709 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38710 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38712 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38713 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38715 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38717 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38719 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38721 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38723 Lack of a counterexample, and
38724 "It stands to reason"
38726 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38727 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38730 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38732 BBW Branch Both Ways
38733 BEW Branch Either Way
38734 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38736 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38738 BPO Branch on Power Off
38739 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38740 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38741 CLBR Clobber Register
38742 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38743 CM Circulate Memory
38744 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38745 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38746 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38748 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38750 DC Divide and Conquer
38751 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38752 DO Divide and Overflow
38753 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38754 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38755 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38756 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38757 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38758 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38759 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38760 PBC Print and Break Chain
38763 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38766 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38767 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38768 RASC Read And Shred Card
38769 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38770 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
38771 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
38773 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38774 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
38775 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38776 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38777 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38778 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38779 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38780 WBT Water Binary Tree
38782 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38785 Prototype designs always work.
38789 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38790 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38791 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38792 prototype is not expected to work.
38794 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38795 than the both put together.
38797 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38798 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38800 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38802 Pryor's Observation:
38803 How long you live has nothing to do
38804 with how long you are going to be dead.
38806 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38807 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38808 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38809 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38810 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38812 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38813 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38815 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38817 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38819 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38821 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38825 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38827 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38831 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38834 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38835 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38836 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38837 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38838 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38839 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38840 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38841 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38842 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38843 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38844 Philosophers think they're gods.
38846 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38847 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38850 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38851 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38854 Public use of any portable music system is a
38855 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38858 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38859 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
38862 Anything that begins well will end badly.
38863 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
38865 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
38867 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
38868 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
38869 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
38870 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
38871 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
38872 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
38873 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
38874 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
38876 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
38881 Someone who is deathly afraid that
38882 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
38884 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
38885 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
38888 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
38889 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
38890 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38892 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
38894 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
38896 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
38897 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
38898 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
38899 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
38902 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
38903 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
38905 Put another password in,
38906 Bomb it out, then try again.
38907 Try to get past logging in,
38908 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
38910 Try his first wife's maiden name,
38911 This is more than just a game.
38912 It's real fun, but just the same,
38913 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
38915 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
38917 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
38919 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
38921 Put your best foot forward.
38922 Or just call in and say you're sick.
38924 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
38926 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
38927 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
38929 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
38932 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
38933 Those who understand what they do not manage.
38934 Those who manage what they do not understand.
38936 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
38941 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
38944 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
38946 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
38950 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
38951 A: He got re-possessed!
38953 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
38954 A: With three more bullets.
38956 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
38958 A: You have to wait 22 months.
38960 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
38962 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
38964 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
38965 A: When his lips move.
38967 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
38968 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
38970 Q: But how did he get back down?
38971 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
38973 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
38976 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
38977 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
38979 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
38980 A: Unique up on it!
38982 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
38985 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
38987 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
38988 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
38990 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
38991 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
38993 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
38994 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
38996 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
38997 A: Throw him a rock.
38999 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39000 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39002 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39003 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39004 a blue-elephant gun.
39006 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39007 A: Take away his credit cards.
39009 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39010 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39011 A: He changes the domain.
39013 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39014 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39016 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39017 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39019 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39020 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39021 of license fee (binary only).
39023 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39024 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39025 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39027 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39028 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39029 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39030 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39032 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39033 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39034 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39036 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39037 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39039 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39040 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39042 Q: How long does it take?
39043 A: It's indeterminate.
39044 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39046 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39047 A: They replace your generator.
39049 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39050 A: One more than you can find.
39052 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39053 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39055 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39056 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39058 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39059 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39061 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39062 A: The door won't shut.
39064 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39065 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39067 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39068 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39069 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39070 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
39071 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39073 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39074 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39076 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39077 A: None. The application can work around it.
39079 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39080 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39082 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39083 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39085 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39086 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39088 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39089 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39091 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39092 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39094 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39095 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39096 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39097 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39098 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39099 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39101 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39102 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39103 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
39104 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
39105 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
39106 the bulb in the first place.
39108 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39109 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39111 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39112 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
39113 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
39114 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
39115 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
39116 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39117 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
39118 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
39119 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
39120 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
39121 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
39122 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
39123 between the parties.
39125 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
39126 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
39127 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
39128 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
39129 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
39130 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39131 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
39132 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
39133 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
39134 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
39135 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39137 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
39138 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
39139 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
39140 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
39141 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39142 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
39145 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
39146 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
39147 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
39148 revenue for the Partnership.
39150 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39151 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39152 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39154 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39155 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39157 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39160 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39161 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39163 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39164 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39165 to the earlier joke.
39167 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39169 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39170 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39171 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39172 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39173 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39174 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39175 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39176 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39177 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39178 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39179 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39180 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39181 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39182 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39183 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39184 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39185 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39186 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39188 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39190 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39193 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39194 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39195 out from under him.
39197 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39198 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39199 to really want to change.
39201 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39202 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
39203 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39205 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39206 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39207 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39209 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39210 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39211 with brightly colored machine tools.
39213 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39215 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39218 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39219 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39222 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39225 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39228 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39229 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39230 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39232 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39233 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39234 bottles into the typewriter.
39236 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39238 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39239 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39240 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39241 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39242 somebody else has made the correction.
39244 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39245 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39246 to inform the whole net right away!
39247 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39250 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39253 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39254 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39256 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39258 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39260 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39261 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39263 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39264 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39265 they go down on you.
39267 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39268 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39270 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39271 puzzle in only 6 months?
39272 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39274 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39275 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39277 Q: What do monsters eat?
39280 Q: What do monsters drink?
39281 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39283 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39284 A: The impossible dream.
39286 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39287 A: Rule the country.
39289 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39290 A: The same middle name.
39292 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39295 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39296 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39298 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39299 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39301 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39302 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39304 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39307 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39310 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39311 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39313 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39316 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39317 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39319 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39320 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39322 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39323 eating fruit, and singing?
39324 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39326 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39327 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39329 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39332 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39333 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39336 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39337 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
39339 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39340 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
39343 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
39344 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
39347 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
39351 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
39353 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
39355 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
39356 A: An offer you can't understand.
39358 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
39359 A: Hot cross bunnies!
39361 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
39362 A: Not enough sand.
39364 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
39367 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
39368 A: To keep her neck warm.
39370 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
39371 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
39373 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
39374 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
39375 a delicious dessert.
39377 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
39380 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
39381 A: Exploding sheep.
39383 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
39386 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
39389 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
39392 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
39393 A: A ball point carrot.
39395 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
39398 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39399 A: A boolean grape.
39401 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39402 A: An Abelian grape.
39404 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
39405 A: Alexander the Grape.
39407 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
39408 A: One leg is both the same.
39410 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
39411 A: Yogurt has culture.
39413 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
39414 A: Her bowling shoes.
39416 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
39417 A: I think I'm drunk.
39419 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
39420 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
39422 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
39423 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
39425 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
39428 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
39429 A: A nervous wreck.
39431 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
39432 plays like a monkey?
39435 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
39438 Q: What's a light-year?
39439 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
39441 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
39442 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
39444 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
39445 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
39447 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
39450 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
39451 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
39452 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
39454 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
39455 A: Artificial intelligence.
39457 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
39458 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
39460 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
39463 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
39464 lawyer in the road?
39465 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
39467 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
39468 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
39470 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
39471 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
39473 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
39476 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
39479 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
39480 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
39482 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
39483 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
39485 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
39486 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
39488 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
39489 A: The Titanic had a band.
39491 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
39492 A: A canary with the super-user password.
39494 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
39497 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
39498 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
39500 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
39501 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
39503 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
39506 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
39507 A: Because they're worth it!
39509 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
39510 A: Because he was hungry.
39512 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
39513 A: To see what was on the other side.
39515 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
39518 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
39519 A: She opens the car door.
39521 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39522 A: He was giving it last rites.
39524 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39525 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
39527 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
39528 A: To get to the other slide.
39530 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
39531 A: To get to the other slide.
39533 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
39534 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
39536 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
39537 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
39539 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
39540 A: Because that was her name.
39542 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
39543 A: Because it was on the other side.
39545 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
39546 A: To get to the middle.
39548 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
39549 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
39551 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
39552 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
39554 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
39555 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
39556 Oh, right, *of course*!
39558 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
39559 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
39560 an eye on the two intellectuals.
39562 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
39563 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
39564 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
39566 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
39567 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
39569 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
39570 A: To keep their ankles warm.
39572 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
39573 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39575 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39576 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39578 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39579 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39580 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39581 visiting, they always take three.
39583 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39584 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39585 gets all the credit.
39587 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39588 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39589 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39591 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39592 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39594 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39595 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39597 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39598 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39600 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39602 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39604 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39605 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39610 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39613 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39614 an emergency on my part."
39617 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39620 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39623 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39626 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39627 have to stop and breathe."
39628 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39631 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39634 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39637 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39641 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39642 too late to punish."
39645 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39649 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39652 "Her other car is a broom."
39655 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39659 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39662 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39665 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39668 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
39671 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39672 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39675 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39678 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39681 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39682 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
39683 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39686 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39689 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39692 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39695 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39696 ball in their court."
39697 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39700 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39704 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39705 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39708 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39711 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39712 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39715 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39718 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39722 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39725 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39728 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39731 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39735 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39739 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39740 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39743 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39746 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39749 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39752 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39755 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39758 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39761 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39764 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39767 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39770 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39772 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39775 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39778 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39781 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39784 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39788 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39789 hands in his own pockets."
39792 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39795 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39798 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39801 "It's been Monday all week today."
39804 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39807 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39808 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39811 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39814 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39817 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39818 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39821 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39822 strike. To make less money."
39825 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39829 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39832 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39836 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39840 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39843 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39846 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39847 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39848 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39849 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39852 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39855 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
39859 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
39862 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
39865 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
39868 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
39872 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
39875 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
39878 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
39881 "Our parents were never our age."
39884 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
39887 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
39890 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
39891 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
39894 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
39897 "She's about as smart as bait."
39900 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
39903 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
39906 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
39909 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
39910 I do what I get paid to do."
39913 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
39914 neck to get the dog to play with it."
39917 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
39920 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
39921 the snakes have gone away."
39924 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
39925 gerbil has more dark meat."
39928 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
39931 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
39935 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
39938 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
39941 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
39942 think he was broken!"
39945 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
39946 when I mess things up."
39949 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
39950 "baring your neck."
39953 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
39956 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
39959 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
39960 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
39963 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
39967 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
39973 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
39974 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
39976 Quality Control, n.:
39977 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
39978 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
39980 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
39981 but its the only one we've got.
39983 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
39984 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
39986 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
39989 The sound made by a well bred duck.
39991 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
39993 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
39994 -- William Shakespeare
39996 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40000 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40001 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40004 Ask somebody something.
40007 Man Invented Alcohol,
40008 God Invented Grass.
40011 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40014 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40016 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40018 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40020 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40023 Whoever has any authority over you,
40024 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40026 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40029 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40030 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40037 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40040 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40043 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40047 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40049 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40052 rain falls where clouds come
40053 sun shines where clouds go
40054 clouds just come and go
40055 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40057 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40059 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40061 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40063 Ralph's Observation:
40064 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40065 realise that you are in a hurry.
40067 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40070 as in number, predictable.
40071 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40073 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40075 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40078 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40080 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40081 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40082 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40083 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40084 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40085 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40086 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40087 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40088 Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
40089 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40090 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40092 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40093 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40094 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40095 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40096 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40098 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40099 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40100 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40101 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40102 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40103 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40104 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40105 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40106 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40107 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40108 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40110 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40111 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40116 And drugs cause cramp.
40117 Guns aren't lawful;
40120 You might as well live.
40121 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40124 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40125 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40126 described with pictures.
40128 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40129 And find they do not know your name.
40130 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40131 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40132 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40133 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40134 Hold a candle to the night,
40135 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40136 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40137 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40138 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40139 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40140 Lean upon the western wind,
40141 And know you are alone.
40144 Reactor error - core dumped!
40146 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40147 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40150 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40152 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40154 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40155 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40156 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40157 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40159 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
40160 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
40163 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40164 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40166 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40167 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40169 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40170 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40171 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40173 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40174 could they read their mail?
40176 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40177 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40178 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40180 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40181 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40182 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40185 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40186 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40189 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40190 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40192 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40193 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40196 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40197 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40198 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40199 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40201 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40202 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40204 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40205 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40208 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
40209 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40211 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40213 Real programs don't eat cache.
40215 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
40216 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40218 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40219 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40220 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40222 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40223 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40224 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40225 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
40226 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40227 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40228 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40230 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40231 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40232 using an undocumented external procedure.
40235 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40238 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40239 afraid to break your face.
40241 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40242 down the system for days.
40244 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40246 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40248 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40249 program doesn't deliver it.
40251 Real Users never use the Help key.
40253 Real wealth can only increase.
40254 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40256 Real World, The n.:
40257 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40258 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40259 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40260 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40261 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
40262 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40263 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40264 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40265 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40268 Reality -- what a concept!
40271 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40273 Reality does not exist - yet.
40275 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40277 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40280 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40283 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40285 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40288 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40290 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40293 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
40297 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40301 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
40304 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
40306 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
40307 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
40309 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
40310 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
40311 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
40313 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
40315 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
40316 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
40319 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
40320 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
40321 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
40322 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
40323 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
40324 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
40325 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
40326 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
40327 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
40329 Reception area, n.:
40330 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
40331 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
40332 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
40333 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
40336 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
40337 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
40338 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
40339 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
40341 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
40342 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
40343 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
40344 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
40345 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
40346 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
40347 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
40348 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
40349 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
40350 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
40351 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
40353 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
40356 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
40357 Take not a single bit!
40358 It used to point to me,
40359 Now I'm protecting it.
40360 It was the reader's CONS
40361 That made it, paired by dot;
40362 Now, GC, for the nonce,
40363 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
40365 Recursion is the root of computation
40366 since it trades description for time.
40368 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
40369 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
40371 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
40372 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
40376 Regression analysis:
40377 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
40381 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
40384 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
40387 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
40388 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
40390 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
40391 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
40392 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
40394 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
40395 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
40396 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
40398 Reliable source, n.:
40399 The guy you just met.
40401 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
40404 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
40406 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
40409 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
40411 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
40412 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
40413 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
40414 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40416 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
40420 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
40422 Remember Darwin; building a better
40423 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
40425 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
40426 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
40428 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
40430 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
40433 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
40435 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
40438 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
40439 have an established user base.
40441 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
40445 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
40446 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
40447 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
40449 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
40450 that you're the one holding it.
40451 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
40453 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
40454 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
40455 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
40456 Across The Eighth Dimension"
40458 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
40461 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
40462 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
40463 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
40465 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
40468 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
40469 worse in Cleveland.
40470 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
40472 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
40474 Remember the... the... uhh.....
40477 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
40478 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
40479 Yea, from the table of my memory
40480 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
40481 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
40482 That youth and observation copied there.
40483 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
40485 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
40487 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
40490 Remember: use logout to logout.
40492 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
40495 Remove me from this land of slaves,
40496 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
40497 Where every knave and fool is bought,
40498 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
40501 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
40502 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
40505 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
40507 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
40510 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
40511 -- Indiana University football cheer
40513 Reply hazy, ask again later.
40515 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
40516 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
40518 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
40519 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
40522 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
40524 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40526 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
40528 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
40529 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
40530 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
40531 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
40532 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
40533 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
40534 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
40535 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
40536 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
40537 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
40539 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
40541 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
40542 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
40543 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
40546 What others are not thinking about you.
40548 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
40549 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
40550 so you're still a valiant nerd.
40552 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
40553 and think what nobody else has thought.
40555 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
40556 -- Wernher von Braun
40560 He didn't know where he was going.
40561 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
40562 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
40563 And he did it all on someone else's money.
40565 Resisting temptation is easier when you
40566 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
40569 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
40570 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
40571 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
40572 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
40573 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40575 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40576 actually have a shot at it.
40578 Reunite Gondwanaland!
40580 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40582 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40584 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40586 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40588 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40592 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40593 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40594 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40595 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40597 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40598 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40599 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40600 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40602 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40603 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40604 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40605 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40608 A form of government abroad.
40611 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40612 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40614 Revolutionary, adj.:
40618 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40619 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40620 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40621 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40622 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40623 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40624 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40625 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40626 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40627 assume otherwise, maybe.
40629 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40630 should be happier than others.
40633 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40634 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40635 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40639 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40642 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40643 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40645 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40646 "Your winnings, sir."
40647 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40648 -- "Casablanca" (1942)
40650 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40651 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40653 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40656 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40657 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40658 rights, which they use or do not use.
40661 Ring around the collar.
40664 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40665 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40666 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40669 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40672 University administrator.
40675 Never having to say you're sorry.
40677 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40678 Unless the results are known in advance,
40679 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40681 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40683 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40685 Rome was not built in one day.
40688 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40690 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40691 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40692 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40694 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40695 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40696 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40697 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40700 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40701 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40709 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40710 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40712 Round Numbers are always false.
40715 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40717 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40719 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40720 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40723 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40724 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40725 stay in Washington and make it there.
40727 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40730 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40733 Rudin's Second Law:
40734 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40735 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40741 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40742 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40743 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40745 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40751 The Boss is always right.
40754 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40756 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40757 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40758 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40759 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40761 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40762 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40763 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40764 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40765 regain their composure.
40767 Rule of Creative Research:
40768 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40769 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40770 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40772 Rule of Defactualization:
40773 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40775 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40776 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40777 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40780 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40783 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40784 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40786 Rule the Empire through force.
40790 (1) The boss is always right.
40791 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40793 Rules for Academic Deans:
40795 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40796 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40798 Rules for driving in New York:
40799 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40800 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40801 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40804 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40805 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40806 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40807 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40808 4: About them sentence fragments.
40809 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40810 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40811 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40812 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40813 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40814 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40815 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40816 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40817 13: Correct speling is essential.
40818 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40819 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40820 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40821 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40824 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40825 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40826 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40827 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40828 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40829 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40830 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40831 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40832 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40833 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40834 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40835 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40836 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40837 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40839 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40840 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40841 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40842 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40843 (4) Enjoy your food.
40844 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40845 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40846 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40847 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40848 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40849 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40850 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40851 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40852 can always eat it later.
40853 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40854 (11) Avoid blue food.
40855 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
40857 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
40861 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
40863 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
40864 -- John Cameron Swayze
40866 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
40867 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
40868 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
40869 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
40870 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40873 Make three correct guesses consecutively
40874 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
40876 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40878 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
40879 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
40881 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
40882 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
40883 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
40884 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
40885 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
40886 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
40887 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
40889 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40896 Sacher's Observation:
40897 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
40899 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40902 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
40904 Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
40905 Beating a dead horse.
40909 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
40910 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
40912 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
40914 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
40915 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
40916 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
40917 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
40918 6. People ignore you at parties.
40919 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
40920 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
40922 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
40924 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
40925 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
40926 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
40927 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
40928 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
40929 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
40930 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
40932 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
40933 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
40934 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
40935 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
40936 laugh at you a great deal.
40938 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
40939 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
40940 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
40941 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
40943 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
40944 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
40945 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
40946 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
40948 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
40949 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
40952 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
40953 -- Heard on Noah's ark
40955 Sailors in ships, sail on!
40956 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
40958 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
40959 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
40961 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
40962 in small amounts over a long period of time.
40965 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
40967 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
40968 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
40969 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
40970 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
40971 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
40972 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
40973 uncharted waters here.
40976 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
40977 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
40978 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
40979 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
40981 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
40982 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
40983 Found him every couple of blocks.
40984 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
40986 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
40987 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
40988 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40990 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
40991 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
40992 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40994 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
40995 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
40996 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40998 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
40999 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41000 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41001 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41002 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41003 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41005 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41006 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41007 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41009 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41010 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41011 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41013 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41014 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41015 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41017 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41018 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41019 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41021 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41022 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41023 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41024 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41025 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41027 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41028 Norm: Most of my wife.
41029 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41032 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41033 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41035 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41036 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41037 to be the guinea pig.
41038 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41041 Four million people, where you can't get a
41042 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41044 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41045 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41046 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41047 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41048 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41050 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41054 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41056 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41058 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41061 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41063 Santa Claus is watching!
41065 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41068 He has long hair and a beard
41069 Must be a pacifist.
41071 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41073 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41074 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41076 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41077 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41079 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41081 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41082 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41084 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41086 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41089 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41091 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41095 It works better if you plug it in.
41097 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41098 Is like being nowhere at all,
41099 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41100 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41101 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41103 Satyrs have more faun.
41105 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41107 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41108 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41110 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41111 surprised at how little you have.
41114 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41117 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41119 Save energy: be apathetic.
41121 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41123 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41127 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41129 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41131 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41133 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41134 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41135 No one cares a cent about you,
41136 You don't care a cent for life;
41137 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41138 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41139 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41140 And the big blue sky.
41143 Say it with flowers,
41144 Or say it with mink,
41145 But whatever you do,
41146 Don't say it with ink!
41149 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41150 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41151 No justice, please, curse ye!
41152 We really want mercy:
41153 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41154 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41156 Say my love is easy had,
41157 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41158 Say I am too often sad --
41159 Still behold me at your side.
41161 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41162 Say I woo and coddle care,
41163 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41164 Still you have my heart to wear.
41166 But say my verses do not scan,
41167 And I get me another man!
41168 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41170 Say no, then negotiate.
41173 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41175 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41177 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41181 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41182 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41183 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41185 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41188 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41189 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41190 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41191 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41192 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41193 intently watching him.
41196 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41198 Schapiro's Explanation:
41199 The grass is always greener on the other side --
41200 but that's because they use more manure.
41202 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41204 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41205 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41206 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41207 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41209 Schmidt's Observation:
41210 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41211 than a thin person.
41214 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
41216 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41218 Science and religion are in full accord but
41219 science and faith are in complete discord.
41221 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41222 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41223 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41224 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41226 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41227 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41228 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41229 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41231 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41232 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41234 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
41236 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41237 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41238 is not necessarily science.
41239 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
41241 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41242 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41245 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41247 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41249 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41251 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41252 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41253 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41254 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41255 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41256 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41257 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41258 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41259 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41260 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41261 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41262 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41263 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41264 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41265 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41267 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41268 -- William F. Buckley
41271 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41272 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41273 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41274 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
41276 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
41277 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
41278 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
41279 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
41280 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
41281 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
41282 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
41283 together. "There is now", came the reply.
41285 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
41286 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
41287 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
41288 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
41289 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
41290 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
41292 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
41294 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
41295 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
41296 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
41297 Scorpio people are murdered.
41299 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
41300 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
41301 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
41302 to throw up. Knock it off.
41304 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
41305 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
41306 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
41307 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
41308 to win. You never learn.
41311 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
41313 Scott's second Law:
41314 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
41315 to have been wrong in the first place.
41318 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
41319 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
41321 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
41322 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
41323 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
41324 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
41325 Spock: Affirmative.
41326 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
41327 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
41329 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
41332 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
41334 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41336 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
41338 -- Richard M. Nixon
41340 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
41341 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
41343 Sears has everything.
41345 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
41347 Second Law of Business Meetings:
41348 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
41349 will pick the wrong one.
41352 If there is only one way to spell a name,
41353 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
41355 Second Law of Final Exams:
41356 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
41357 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
41359 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
41361 Secretary's Revenge:
41362 Filing almost everything under "the".
41364 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
41365 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
41366 multiline message byte.
41367 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
41368 must be sent passive true.
41369 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
41370 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
41371 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
41372 (a) The LADS is active
41373 (b) Nor LACS is active
41375 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
41376 Programmable Instrumentation
41378 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
41380 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
41381 [Who guards the Guardians?]
41383 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
41384 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
41385 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
41387 Sightlessly seeking
41388 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
41389 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
41391 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
41393 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
41394 the second one should have seen it.
41396 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
41397 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
41398 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
41399 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
41400 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
41401 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
41402 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
41404 Seeing is believing.
41405 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
41407 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
41410 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
41411 Will come when it will come.
41412 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41414 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
41415 -- Alfred North Whitehead
41417 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
41418 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
41419 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
41420 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
41421 rocks. They all got out of the car:
41422 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
41423 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
41424 into town and have a specialist look at it."
41425 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
41426 in and see if it does it again."
41428 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
41429 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
41431 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
41432 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
41433 you like me to put it on your bill?"
41434 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
41436 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
41437 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
41438 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
41439 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
41440 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
41442 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
41443 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
41444 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
41445 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
41446 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
41447 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
41448 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
41449 like when God was working it alone!"
41451 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
41452 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
41454 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
41455 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
41458 "Got any bear bells?"
41460 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
41461 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
41462 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
41464 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
41465 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
41468 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
41469 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
41471 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
41472 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
41473 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
41474 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
41476 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
41477 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
41478 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
41479 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
41480 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
41481 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
41482 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
41483 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
41484 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
41485 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
41486 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
41487 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
41488 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
41489 some new underwear.
41490 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
41491 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
41492 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
41493 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
41494 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
41495 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
41497 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
41498 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
41500 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
41501 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
41503 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
41504 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
41506 Self Test for Paranoia:
41507 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
41511 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
41515 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
41518 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
41520 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41522 Send some filthy mail.
41524 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
41525 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
41528 The state of mind of elderly persons
41529 with whom one happens to disagree.
41531 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
41532 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
41533 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
41534 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
41536 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
41538 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
41542 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
41544 Serenity through viciousness.
41549 Serocki's Stricture:
41550 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
41552 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
41554 Set the cart before the horse.
41557 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
41558 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
41559 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
41560 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
41561 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
41562 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
41563 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
41564 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
41565 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
41567 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
41568 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
41569 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
41570 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
41571 like crabgrass all over the United States.
41572 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
41574 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41575 Is all my brain and body need.
41576 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41577 Are very good indeed.
41579 Take your silly ways,
41580 Throw them out the window,
41581 The wisdom of your ways,
41582 I've been there and I know,
41583 Lots of other ways...
41584 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41586 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41588 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41591 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41593 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41594 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41597 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41600 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41602 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41604 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41605 -- Garrison Keillor
41607 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41608 it's still darn tasty!
41610 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
41613 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41617 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41620 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41621 most amount of trouble.
41624 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41625 repeated until infinity.
41626 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41627 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41630 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41631 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41634 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41635 how children do not come into the world.
41638 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41640 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41641 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41644 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41645 pietists to oppress the human race.
41646 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41648 Shannon's Observation
41649 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41650 that is beginning to improve.
41653 To give in, endure humiliation.
41655 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41656 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41657 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41661 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41664 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41666 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41668 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41669 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41670 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41671 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41673 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41674 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41675 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41676 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41678 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41679 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41680 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41682 She been married so many times
41683 she got rice marks all over her face.
41686 She blinded me with science!
41688 She can kill all your files;
41689 She can freeze with a frown.
41690 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41691 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41692 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41693 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41695 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41698 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41700 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41703 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41706 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41707 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41708 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41709 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41710 involvement in "The Avengers".
41712 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41715 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41716 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41718 She often gave herself very good advice
41719 (though she very seldom followed it).
41720 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
41722 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
41723 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41725 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41726 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41727 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41728 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41730 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41732 She stood on the tracks
41734 Leading me to that third rail shock
41736 She changed her mind
41738 She gave me a night
41740 What will it take until I stop
41744 There's nothing else I can do
41745 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41746 I don't want anyone new
41747 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41748 There's nothing in it for you
41749 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41750 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41752 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41753 But she's just a crumb up here
41754 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41755 With a cauliflower ear
41756 Someday we will be married
41757 And if vegetables become too dear
41758 I'll just cut me a slice of
41759 Her cauliflower ear!
41760 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41762 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41763 good at being short.
41764 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41766 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41768 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41770 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41773 All trails have more uphill sections
41774 than they have downhill sections.
41776 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41778 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41779 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41780 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41781 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41782 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41783 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41784 bad fiction contest.
41786 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41787 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41788 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41791 She's genuinely bogus.
41793 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41794 that others waste time putting into words.
41796 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41798 She's such a kinky girl,
41799 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41800 She will never let your spirits down
41801 Once you get her off the street.
41803 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41806 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41809 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41812 Shift to the right,
41814 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41817 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41821 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41823 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41824 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41825 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41826 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41829 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41830 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41831 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41833 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41834 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41835 body join her long dead brain.
41837 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41838 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
41841 Short people get rained on last.
41843 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
41846 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
41847 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
41850 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
41851 playing golf with his boss.
41853 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
41855 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
41857 Showing up is 80% of life.
41860 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
41863 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
41864 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
41867 Sic transit gloria Monday!
41869 Sic transit gloria mundi.
41870 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
41873 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
41875 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
41877 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
41879 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
41881 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
41882 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
41884 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
41885 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
41889 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
41892 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
41894 sillema sillema nika su
41895 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
41897 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41899 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
41900 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
41901 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
41902 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
41903 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
41904 intersection in town. BUT!
41906 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41907 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
41909 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
41910 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
41911 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
41912 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
41914 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41915 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
41918 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
41921 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
41923 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
41927 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
41928 character of this point is therefore another method for the
41929 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
41932 -- by Claude E. Shannon
41934 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
41940 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
41942 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
41943 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
41944 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
41947 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
41948 when others believe him.
41949 -- Charles DeGaulle
41951 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
41953 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
41954 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
41955 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
41957 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
41958 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
41959 burst out in laughter.
41962 Since I hurt my pendulum
41963 My life is all erratic.
41964 My parrot who was cordial
41965 Is now transmitting static.
41966 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
41967 The cat keeps doing poo.
41968 The only thing that keeps me sane
41969 Is talking to my shoe.
41972 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
41975 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
41979 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
41980 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
41982 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
41984 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
41986 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
41989 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
41990 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
41991 -- Winston Churchill
41993 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
41994 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
41995 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
41997 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
41998 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
41999 It'll cost you though".
42001 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
42002 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
42004 "An arm and a leg", said God.
42006 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
42009 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42010 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42011 gives us modern art.
42014 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42015 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42016 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42017 should have gotten.
42019 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42020 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42021 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42022 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42023 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42026 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42028 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
42029 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
42031 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
42032 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
42033 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
42034 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
42035 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
42036 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
42037 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
42038 for deliverance from chains.
42039 -- Frederick Douglass
42041 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42044 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42046 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42047 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
42048 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42049 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42050 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42051 attracted to dark objects.
42054 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42059 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42062 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42063 it sits in the dish too long.
42064 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42066 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42068 Small is beautiful.
42069 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42071 Small things make base men proud.
42072 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42074 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42075 teacher was in my class for five years.
42078 Smear the road with a runner!!
42080 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42082 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42084 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42087 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42088 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42089 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42090 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42091 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42092 filed 30 days in advance.
42094 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42097 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42099 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42100 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42103 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42104 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42106 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42108 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42111 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42113 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42115 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42116 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42118 Snow Day -- stay home.
42120 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42121 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42122 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42123 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42124 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42125 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42127 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42128 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42129 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42130 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42132 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42133 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42134 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42135 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42136 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42137 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42138 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42141 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42144 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42145 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42146 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42147 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42148 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42149 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42150 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42151 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42152 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42154 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42155 praise of intelligence.
42156 -- Bertrand Russell
42158 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42159 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42160 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42161 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42163 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42164 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42165 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42166 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42167 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42168 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42169 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42170 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42171 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42173 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42175 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42176 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42178 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42181 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42182 large as it needs to be?
42184 So little time, so little to do.
42187 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42188 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42190 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42193 So many men and so little time.
42195 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42196 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42198 So many women, and so little time!
42200 So many women, so little nerve.
42202 So much food, and so little time!
42218 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42241 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42242 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42243 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42245 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42246 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42247 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42248 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42249 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42250 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42254 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42255 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42256 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42258 So... so you think you can tell
42260 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
42261 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
42262 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
42263 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
42264 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
42266 A walk on part in a war
42267 For the lead role in a cage?
42268 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
42270 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
42271 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
42273 So, you better watch out!
42274 You better not cry!
42275 You better not pout!
42276 I'm telling you why,
42277 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
42279 He knows when you've been sleeping,
42280 He know when you're awake.
42281 He knows if you've been bad or good,
42282 He has ties with the CIA.
42285 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
42286 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
42287 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
42288 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
42289 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
42290 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
42291 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
42293 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
42294 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
42297 So you're back... about time...
42299 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
42300 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
42304 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
42307 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
42309 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
42311 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
42312 The government sells it.
42314 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
42316 The government shoots one cow,
42317 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
42319 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
42321 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
42324 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
42328 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
42330 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
42331 like a staff function."
42334 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
42335 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
42336 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
42337 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
42339 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
42340 Are practically zero,
42341 But those who wish to be civilians,
42342 They run into the millions.
42344 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
42347 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
42348 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
42351 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
42352 and some few to be chewed and digested.
42354 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
42356 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
42357 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
42359 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
42360 as when you find a trout in the milk.
42363 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
42365 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
42367 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
42369 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
42371 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
42374 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
42378 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
42379 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
42380 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
42382 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
42384 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
42385 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
42388 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
42389 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
42391 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
42394 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
42395 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
42398 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
42399 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
42402 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
42405 Some men who fear that they are playing
42406 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
42408 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
42409 The answer is: I don't know.
42410 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
42412 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
42413 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
42414 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
42415 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
42416 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
42417 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
42418 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
42419 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
42421 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
42422 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
42423 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
42424 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
42425 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
42426 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
42427 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
42428 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
42429 he received, shame and wounds."
42431 Some of the things that live the longest
42432 in peoples' memories never really happened.
42434 Some of them want to use you,
42435 Some of them want to be used by you,
42436 ...Everybody's looking for something.
42437 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
42439 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
42442 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
42443 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
42444 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
42445 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
42446 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
42447 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
42448 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
42449 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
42450 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
42451 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
42452 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
42454 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
42456 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
42457 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
42459 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
42460 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
42461 two-dimensional ones.
42462 -- F. Frederick Skitty
42464 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
42466 Some people cause happiness wherever
42467 they go; others, whenever they go.
42469 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
42470 but at least you only have to climb it once.
42472 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
42473 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
42475 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
42477 Some people have parts that are so private
42478 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
42480 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
42483 Some people live life in the fast lane.
42484 You're in oncoming traffic.
42486 Some people manage by the book, even though they
42487 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
42489 Some people need a good imaginary cure
42490 for their painful imaginary ailment.
42492 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
42494 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
42496 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
42497 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
42500 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
42501 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
42503 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
42504 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
42508 Some points to remember [about animals]:
42510 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
42512 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
42513 front of your clothes;
42514 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
42515 you have just kicked.
42516 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42518 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
42519 And tasted it, and found it good.
42520 And that is why your Cousin May
42521 Fell through the parlor floor today.
42524 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
42526 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42528 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
42530 Some say the world will end in fire,
42532 From what I've tasted of desire
42533 I hold with those who favor fire.
42534 But if it had to perish twice
42535 I think I know enough of hate
42536 To say that for destruction, ice
42539 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
42541 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
42544 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
42546 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
42549 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
42550 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
42552 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
42553 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
42554 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
42555 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
42557 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
42558 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
42559 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
42560 That don't smell very nice --
42561 He's nobody's moggy now.
42563 Oh you who love your pussy,
42564 Be sure to keep him in.
42565 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
42566 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
42567 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
42568 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
42569 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
42570 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
42571 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
42572 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
42573 Just red and squashed and soggy --
42574 He's nobody's moggy now.
42575 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
42577 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42578 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42580 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42581 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42583 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42584 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42585 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42588 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42591 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42593 Someday your prints will come.
42596 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42597 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42598 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42600 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42602 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42603 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42604 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42607 Someone is speaking well of you.
42610 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42612 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42614 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42616 Something better...
42618 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42619 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42620 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42621 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42622 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42623 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42625 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42627 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42628 mind putting that thing away.
42629 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42630 It's what's in it that matters.
42631 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42633 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42634 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42636 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42637 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42639 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42640 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42642 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42643 -- William Shakespeare
42645 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42646 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42649 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42652 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42653 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42656 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42657 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42658 -- Richard M. Nixon
42660 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42663 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42664 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42665 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42666 Either light up or leave me alone.
42668 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42669 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42673 Sometimes I live in the country,
42674 And sometimes I live in town.
42675 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42676 To jump in the river and drown.
42678 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42679 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42681 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42682 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42683 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42685 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42688 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42691 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42693 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42694 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42695 me because I am beautiful.
42696 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
42698 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42700 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42701 Other times I can hardly see.
42702 Lately it occurs to me
42703 What a long strange trip it's been.
42704 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42706 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42709 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42710 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42711 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42712 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42715 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42716 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42719 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42723 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42725 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42727 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42728 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42731 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42734 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42735 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42736 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42737 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42738 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42740 Song Title of the Week:
42741 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42744 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42745 paid may disregard this fortune).
42747 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42751 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42753 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42755 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42756 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42757 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42758 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42760 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42763 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42766 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42767 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42768 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42769 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42772 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42774 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42776 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42779 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42780 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42781 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42784 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42785 And beat him when he sneezes:
42786 He only does it to annoy
42787 Because he knows it teases.
42791 I speak severely to my boy,
42792 And beat him when he sneezes:
42793 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42794 The pepper when he pleases!
42797 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
42799 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42800 And boot it when it crashes;
42801 It knows that one cannot relax
42802 Because the paging thrashes!
42806 I speak severely to my VAX,
42807 And boot it when it crashes;
42808 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42809 My jobs it always thrashes!
42813 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42815 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42818 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42819 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42820 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42821 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42822 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42823 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42824 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42825 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42826 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42827 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42828 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42829 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42830 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42831 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42832 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42833 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42834 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42835 syllable is thine!"
42836 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42838 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
42839 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
42840 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
42841 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
42842 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
42843 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
42844 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
42845 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
42846 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
42848 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
42850 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
42851 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
42852 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
42853 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
42854 Helpless users with projects due
42855 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
42857 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
42858 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
42860 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
42861 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
42864 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
42865 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
42866 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
42867 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
42868 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
42869 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
42870 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
42871 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
42873 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
42874 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
42876 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
42877 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
42878 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
42879 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
42880 Faculty members especially welcome.
42882 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
42884 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
42885 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
42886 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
42887 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
42889 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
42890 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
42891 number of times you have looked at it.
42893 Spelling is a lossed art.
42895 Spence's Admonition:
42896 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
42898 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
42904 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
42906 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42908 Spock: The odds of surviving another
42909 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
42911 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
42914 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
42915 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
42917 Spring is here, spring is here,
42918 Life is skittles and life is beer.
42921 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
42922 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42924 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
42926 St. Patrick was a gentleman
42927 who through strategy and stealth
42928 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
42929 Here's a toasting to his health --
42930 but not too many toastings
42931 lest you lose yourself and then
42932 forget the good St. Patrick
42933 and see all those snakes again.
42935 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
42937 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
42939 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
42940 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
42941 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
42942 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
42943 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
42944 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
42945 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
42946 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
42947 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
42948 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
42949 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
42950 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
42951 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
42952 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
42953 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
42954 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
42955 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
42956 All it said was: "Write two letters."
42958 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
42960 Stamp out philately.
42963 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
42965 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
42966 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
42967 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
42970 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
42972 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
42973 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
42975 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
42976 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
42977 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
42978 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
42981 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
42984 Start the day with a smile.
42985 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
42987 State license plates we'd like to see:
42989 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
42991 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
42995 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
42997 State license plates we'd like to see:
43001 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
43003 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
43005 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
43009 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43011 State license plates we'd like to see:
43013 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43014 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43015 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43017 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43019 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43021 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43022 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43023 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43027 A system for expressing your political
43028 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43030 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43033 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43035 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43037 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43041 Stay together, drag each other down.
43043 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43044 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43045 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43047 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43048 Though we really did try to make it,
43049 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43051 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43052 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43053 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43055 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43056 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43057 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43059 But it's too late baby...
43060 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43061 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43063 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43064 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43065 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43066 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43067 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43069 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43071 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43072 Good enough is never good enough.
43074 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43075 Everybody should believe in something --
43076 I believe I'll have another drink.
43078 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43079 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43082 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43083 Embezzlement is another matter.
43086 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43088 Step back, unbelievers!
43089 Or the rain will never come.
43090 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43091 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43092 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43093 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43095 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43096 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43097 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43098 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43099 very little call for those up there.
43100 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43102 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43103 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43105 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43106 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43108 Stock's Observation:
43109 You no sooner get your head above water
43110 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43113 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43115 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43116 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43117 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43118 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43119 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43120 on the credulity of human nature.
43122 Stop me, before I kill again!
43124 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43125 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43127 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43129 Strange things are done to be number one
43130 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43131 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43132 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43133 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43134 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43135 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43136 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43137 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43138 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43139 The movers came to crate the frame;
43140 It weighed a million ton!
43141 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43142 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43143 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43144 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43145 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43146 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43147 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43148 Because they couldn't deliver.
43149 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43152 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43155 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43156 after those creating it have left the organization.
43158 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43160 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43161 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43162 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43163 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43164 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43165 and have a nice day.
43167 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43168 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43169 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43170 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43173 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43174 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43177 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43179 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43181 Stupidity is its own reward.
43184 90% of everything is crud.
43186 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43188 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43189 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43191 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
43192 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43195 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
43196 way before it is understood.
43198 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43199 the streets after them.
43202 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43204 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43206 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43207 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43209 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43211 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43213 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43215 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
43216 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43218 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43220 Such a fine first dream!
43221 But they laughed at me; they said
43224 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43225 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43227 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43228 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43229 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43231 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43232 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43234 Sudden Death Dating:
43237 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43238 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43240 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43241 without his duck ...
43243 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43244 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43245 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43246 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43247 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43249 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43251 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43253 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43258 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43259 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43260 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43263 The Network IS the Load Average.
43265 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43267 To code the impossible code,
43268 To bring up a virgin machine,
43269 To pop out of endless recursion,
43270 To grok what appears on the screen,
43272 To right the unrightable bug,
43273 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43274 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43275 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43278 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43279 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43280 progressively reducing solar elevation.
43282 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
43283 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
43286 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
43287 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
43288 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
43289 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
43291 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
43292 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
43294 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
43296 -- Overheard at a supervision
43298 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
43300 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
43302 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
43304 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
43305 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
43307 Support the Girl Scouts!
43308 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
43310 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
43312 Support your local church or synagogue.
43313 Worship at Bank of America.
43315 Support your local police force -- steal!!
43317 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
43319 Support your right to arm bears!!
43321 Support your right to bare arms!
43322 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
43324 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
43325 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
43326 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
43327 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
43328 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
43329 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
43330 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
43332 -- Christopher Evans
43334 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
43336 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
43337 But what if he forgets?
43339 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
43340 men in national government too.
43341 -- Richard M. Nixon
43343 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
43345 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
43346 Just type in your name and social security number.
43347 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
43353 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
43355 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
43358 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
43359 strapped on with electrical tape.
43362 The way of the tuna.
43364 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
43365 -- William Shakespeare
43368 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
43372 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
43375 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
43378 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
43380 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
43383 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
43384 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
43386 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
43387 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
43388 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
43390 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
43392 Swipple's Rule of Order:
43393 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
43395 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
43396 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
43399 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
43400 unusually pale and clear.
43401 Problem: Glass empty.
43402 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43404 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
43405 and the front of your shirt is wet.
43406 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
43407 wrong part of face.
43408 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
43409 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
43411 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43413 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
43414 Fault: The Bar is closing.
43415 Action Required: Panic.
43417 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
43418 You cannot see the bathroom light.
43419 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
43420 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
43421 treat yourself to a lie-in.
43423 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43425 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
43426 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
43427 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
43430 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
43431 Fault: Improper bladder control.
43432 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
43433 to the owner about its lack of house training and
43434 demand a beer as compensation.
43436 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43438 Symptom: Floor blurred.
43439 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
43440 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43442 Symptom: Floor moving.
43443 Fault: You are being carried out.
43444 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
43445 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
43447 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43449 Symptom: Floor swaying.
43450 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
43452 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
43454 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
43455 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
43456 Fault: You have fallen forward.
43457 Action Required: See above.
43459 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
43460 fluorescent light strips.
43461 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
43462 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
43463 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
43464 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
43466 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43468 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
43469 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43471 System checkpoint complete.
43473 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
43475 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
43477 System going down in 5 minutes.
43479 System restarting, wait...
43481 System/3! System/3!
43482 See how it runs! See how it runs!
43483 Its monitor loses so totally!
43484 It runs all its programs in RPG!
43485 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
43488 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
43489 Works equally poorly on all systems.
43491 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
43492 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
43493 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43495 Systems programmer:
43496 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
43497 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
43498 are to receive from your boss.
43500 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
43503 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
43504 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
43505 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
43506 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
43507 -- The Roguelet's ABC
43510 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
43512 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
43515 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
43518 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
43519 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
43521 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
43524 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
43526 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
43527 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
43529 Take an astronaut to launch.
43531 Take care of the luxuries and the
43532 necessities will take care of themselves.
43535 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
43536 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
43538 Take everything in stride.
43539 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
43541 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
43542 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
43544 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
43546 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
43548 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
43553 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
43554 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
43557 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
43558 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
43559 have given them to you.
43561 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
43564 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
43565 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
43566 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
43567 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
43569 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
43571 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
43572 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
43573 -- Booth Tarkington
43575 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
43576 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43579 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43581 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43584 Talkers are no good doers.
43585 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43587 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43590 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43591 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43593 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43594 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43595 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43597 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43598 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43599 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43600 It's hanging there on the shed.
43602 All together now...
43603 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43604 Tie me kangaroo down.
43605 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43606 Tie me kangaroo down.
43608 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43609 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43610 -- Benjamin Franklin
43612 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43613 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43614 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43615 headed. You are a Communist.
43617 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43618 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43619 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43620 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43622 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43623 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43624 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43625 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43630 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43631 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43634 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43637 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43640 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43643 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43645 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43646 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43647 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43649 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43652 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43653 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43655 Teachers have class.
43658 Having someone to blame.
43660 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43663 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43664 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43665 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43666 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43667 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43668 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43669 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43670 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43671 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43673 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43674 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43675 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43676 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43677 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43678 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43679 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43680 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43681 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43682 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43683 a moment and then log off."
43685 Technological progress has merely provided us
43686 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43689 Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
43690 Teeth for humans are in the soul.
43691 A strong body defeats one,
43692 A strong soul conquers many.
43693 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43695 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43696 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43698 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43699 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43700 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43701 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43705 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43706 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43707 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43710 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43711 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43712 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43713 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43715 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43718 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43721 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43722 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43724 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43728 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43729 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43731 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43732 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43735 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43736 rather than each other.
43738 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43739 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43740 to touch to be sure.
43742 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43743 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43744 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43745 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43748 Tell me what to think!!!
43750 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43751 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43752 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43753 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43755 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43756 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43757 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43758 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43760 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43761 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43764 Tempt me with a spoon!
43766 Tempt not a desperate man.
43767 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43769 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43770 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43771 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43772 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43773 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43774 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43775 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43776 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43777 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43779 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43782 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43783 way of telling you to stop writing.
43786 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43787 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43788 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43789 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43790 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43791 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43792 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43793 It sleeps well the horned head:
43794 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43795 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43796 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43797 Your friends to death before their time.
43798 Moping, melancholy mad:
43799 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43802 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43803 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43806 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43807 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43808 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43809 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43810 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43812 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43813 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43814 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43815 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43816 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43817 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43818 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43819 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43820 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43821 contemptuously rejected it.
43822 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43823 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43827 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43828 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43829 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43830 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43831 the solution will turn blue-green.
43833 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
43834 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43836 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
43841 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
43842 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
43843 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
43846 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
43847 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
43848 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
43849 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
43850 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
43851 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
43852 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
43853 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
43854 called you from here."
43856 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
43859 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
43861 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
43862 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
43863 -- J. Finnegan, USC
43865 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
43868 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
43869 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
43871 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
43873 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
43874 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
43876 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
43879 That does not compute.
43881 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
43882 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
43883 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
43884 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
43886 That feeling just came over me.
43887 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
43889 That government is best which governs least.
43890 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
43892 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
43893 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
43894 in the same way as us.
43895 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
43903 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
43906 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
43908 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
43909 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
43910 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
43913 That, that is not, is not.
43914 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
43915 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
43917 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
43918 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
43919 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
43920 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
43921 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
43922 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
43923 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
43925 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
43927 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
43930 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
43931 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
43932 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
43935 That's always the way when you discover
43936 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
43942 How much does it cost?
43944 I only have a dollar.
43947 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
43948 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
43949 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
43950 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
43951 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
43953 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
43954 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
43955 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
43960 That's odd. That's very odd.
43961 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
43963 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
43966 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
43967 -- Woody Allen, on sex
43969 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
43970 really hate is lousy programmers.
43971 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
43973 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
43974 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
43977 That's what she said.
43979 That's where the money was.
43980 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
43982 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
43985 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
43988 The 357.73 Theory --
43989 Auditors always reject expense accounts
43990 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
43992 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
43994 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
43995 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
43996 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
43998 The Abrams' Principle:
43999 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
44001 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
44004 The absent ones are always at fault.
44006 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
44009 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44010 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44012 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44015 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44016 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44017 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44018 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44019 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44020 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44022 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44023 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44024 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44026 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44027 -- Thomas Jefferson
44029 The Advertising Agency Song:
44031 When your client's hopping mad,
44032 Put his picture in the ad.
44033 If he still should prove refractory,
44034 Add a picture of his factory.
44036 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44037 he is already degraded.
44040 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44041 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44044 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44045 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44047 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44048 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44051 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44053 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44055 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44056 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44059 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44060 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44061 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44063 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44064 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44068 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44069 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44070 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44072 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44073 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44074 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44077 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44078 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44080 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44083 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
44084 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44085 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44087 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44088 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44089 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44090 even better, nobody has to play it.
44091 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44093 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44094 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44096 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44098 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44101 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44102 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44105 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44106 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44107 -- Salvador De Madariaga
44109 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44110 -- Albertano of Brescia
44112 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44113 doctors nor lawyers.
44116 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44117 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44118 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44119 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44120 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44121 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44122 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44123 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
44124 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44125 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44126 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44127 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
44128 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44129 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44130 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44131 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44132 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44133 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44134 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44135 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44136 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44138 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44139 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44140 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44141 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44142 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44143 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44144 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44145 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44146 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44147 fire-fighting aircraft.
44149 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44151 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44153 Four day work week,
44154 Two ply toilet paper!
44156 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44157 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44158 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44160 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44161 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44162 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44163 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44164 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44165 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44166 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44169 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44170 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44171 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44172 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44173 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44175 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44176 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44177 and color, but also on ability.
44180 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44183 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44184 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44185 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44188 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44189 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44191 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44192 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44193 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44194 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44195 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44196 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44197 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44198 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44199 and therefore do not exist.
44201 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44203 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44204 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44205 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44207 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44208 the morning feeling just terrible.
44211 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44213 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44214 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44216 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44218 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44219 one graveyard to another.
44220 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44222 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44223 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44224 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44228 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44229 average man can see better than he can think.
44231 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44232 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44233 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44235 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44236 carries any reward.
44237 -- John Maynard Keynes
44239 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44240 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44242 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44244 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44245 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44246 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44247 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44248 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44250 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44251 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44252 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44253 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44255 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44256 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44257 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44258 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44259 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44260 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44261 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44262 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44263 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44264 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44265 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44266 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44268 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44270 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44271 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44272 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44273 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44274 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44275 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44276 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44277 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44278 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44279 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44280 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44281 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44282 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44284 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44285 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44286 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
44287 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
44288 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
44289 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44292 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
44294 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
44295 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
44297 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
44298 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
44301 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
44304 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
44305 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
44307 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
44308 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
44309 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
44310 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
44311 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
44312 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
44313 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
44315 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
44318 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
44320 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
44324 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
44327 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
44328 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
44329 by judging things by their price.
44331 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
44332 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
44333 them while they do it.
44334 -- Theodore Roosevelt
44336 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
44338 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
44341 The best man for the job is often a woman.
44343 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
44345 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
44347 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
44348 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
44351 The best prophet of the future is the past.
44353 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
44354 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
44356 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
44357 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
44358 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
44359 being read by a corpse.
44361 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
44362 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
44363 drifting side by side to our common doom.
44366 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
44367 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
44369 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
44371 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
44373 The best things in life are for a fee.
44375 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
44377 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
44379 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
44381 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
44383 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
44385 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
44389 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
44390 smoke is a right worth dying for.
44392 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
44393 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
44394 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
44395 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
44396 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
44397 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
44398 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
44400 The best you get is an even break.
44403 The better part of valor is discretion.
44404 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
44406 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
44407 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
44408 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44410 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
44411 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
44412 It's just that they need more supervision.
44414 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
44415 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
44418 The Bible on letters of reference:
44420 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
44421 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
44422 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
44423 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
44424 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
44426 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
44429 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
44430 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
44431 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
44432 hungry all the time?
44434 The bigger the theory the better.
44436 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
44438 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
44441 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
44442 working for someone else.
44444 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
44447 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
44448 and the bird is on the wing.
44451 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
44452 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
44453 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
44454 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
44455 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
44456 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
44457 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
44458 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
44460 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
44462 The bogosity meter just pegged.
44464 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
44465 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
44467 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
44468 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
44470 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
44471 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
44472 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
44473 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
44474 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
44475 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
44476 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
44477 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44479 The boy stood on the burning deck,
44480 Eating peanuts by the peck.
44481 His father called him, but he could not go,
44482 For he loved those peanuts so.
44484 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
44485 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
44487 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
44488 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
44489 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
44490 one, and convert to the next higher units.
44492 The British are coming! The British are coming!
44494 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
44495 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
44496 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44498 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
44499 and humiliating reality.
44502 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
44503 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
44504 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
44505 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
44506 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44508 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
44509 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
44510 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
44513 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
44514 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
44517 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
44518 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
44519 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
44520 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
44523 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
44524 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
44525 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
44526 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
44528 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
44529 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
44530 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
44531 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
44532 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
44534 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
44537 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
44538 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
44540 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
44541 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
44544 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
44545 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
44546 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
44547 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
44549 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44551 The camel has a single hump;
44553 Or else the other way around.
44554 I'm never sure. Are you?
44557 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
44558 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
44559 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
44560 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
44563 The carbonyl is polarized,
44564 The delta end is plus.
44565 The nucleophile will thus attack,
44566 The carbon nucleus.
44567 Addition makes an alcohol,
44568 Of types there are but three.
44569 It makes a bond, to correspond,
44570 From C to shining C.
44571 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
44573 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
44574 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
44576 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
44578 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44581 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44585 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44586 at the steam fitters' picnic.
44588 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
44591 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44594 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44597 The church is near but the road is icy,
44598 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44601 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44604 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44605 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44606 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44608 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44610 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44613 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44614 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44615 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44616 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44617 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44618 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44619 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44621 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44623 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44624 is when he fills out a job application form.
44625 -- Stanley J. Randall
44627 The clothes have no emperor.
44628 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44630 The coast was clear.
44633 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44634 intellectual nakedness.
44635 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44637 The Commandments of the EE:
44639 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44640 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44641 embarrassing manner.
44642 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44643 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44644 earthly vale of tears.
44645 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44646 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44647 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44649 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44650 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44653 The Commandments of the EE:
44655 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44656 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44657 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44658 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44659 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44660 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44661 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44662 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44663 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44664 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44665 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44666 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44667 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44668 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44669 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44671 The Commandments of the EE:
44673 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44674 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44675 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44676 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44677 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44678 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44679 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44680 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44681 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44682 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44683 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44684 innocent-seeming device.
44686 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44688 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44690 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44691 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44692 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44696 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44697 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44700 The Computer made me do it.
44702 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44705 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44706 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44708 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44710 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44712 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44713 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44714 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44716 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44718 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44719 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44720 every bird watcher in the country.
44721 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44723 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44724 than what we've got!
44726 The Consultant's Curse:
44727 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44728 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44729 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44731 The control of the production of wealth
44732 is the control of human life itself.
44735 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44736 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44737 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44738 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44740 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44742 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44744 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44747 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44749 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44751 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44752 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44753 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44754 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44756 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44758 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44761 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44762 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44763 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44764 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44765 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44768 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44769 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
44771 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44774 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44776 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
44778 The Crown is full of it!
44779 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44781 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44782 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44783 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44784 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44785 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44786 of all our rights and privileges.
44787 -- William Ellery Channing
44789 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44790 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44793 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44796 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44797 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44799 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44800 Every class is unfit to govern.
44803 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44804 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44805 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44806 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44807 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
44808 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44809 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44810 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44811 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44813 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44814 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44815 -- Henry David Thoreau
44817 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44819 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44820 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44821 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44822 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44823 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44824 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44825 -- Thomas Jefferson
44827 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44829 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44832 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44833 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44834 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44836 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
44838 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
44839 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
44840 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
44841 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
44843 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
44845 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
44846 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
44848 The degree of civilization in a society
44849 can be judged by entering its prisons.
44852 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
44853 proportional to the level of management.
44855 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
44856 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
44857 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
44859 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
44860 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
44861 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
44862 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
44863 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
44864 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
44866 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
44867 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
44868 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
44870 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
44871 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
44872 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
44873 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
44874 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
44875 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
44876 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
44877 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
44879 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
44882 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
44883 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
44885 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
44887 The devil finds work for idle glands.
44890 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
44892 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
44894 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
44896 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
44897 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
44900 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
44901 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
44902 it would be a calamity.
44903 -- Benjamin Disraeli
44905 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
44906 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
44908 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
44909 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
44910 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
44912 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
44913 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
44914 is thinking that they're conspiring.
44917 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
44918 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
44920 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
44922 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
44923 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
44925 The difference between reality and unreality
44926 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
44929 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
44930 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
44931 -- Robert A. Heinlein
44933 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
44934 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
44935 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
44936 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
44937 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
44939 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
44940 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
44941 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
44943 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
44945 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
44946 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
44949 The difference between this place and yogurt
44950 is that yogurt has a live culture.
44952 The difference between us is not very far,
44953 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
44955 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
44958 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
44960 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
44961 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
44962 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
44965 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
44967 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
44969 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
44970 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
44973 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
44974 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
44976 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
44977 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
44978 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
44979 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
44980 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
44981 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
44982 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
44983 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
44984 Jews won't go near them."
44985 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
44987 The distinction between true and false appears to become
44988 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
44991 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
44992 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
44994 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
44995 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
44996 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
44999 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
45000 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
45001 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
45003 The door is the key.
45005 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
45006 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
45007 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
45008 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
45010 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45011 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45013 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45015 -- Honore de Balzac
45017 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45019 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45021 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45022 and owns the worm farm.
45025 The early worm gets the bird.
45027 The early worm gets the late bird.
45029 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45031 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45034 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45035 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45037 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45038 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45039 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45040 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45041 valuable possession to him.
45043 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45044 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45045 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45046 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45047 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45048 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45049 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45052 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45053 weather forecasters.
45054 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45056 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45057 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45060 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45062 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45063 Compute' -- I forget which."
45064 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45066 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45067 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45068 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
45069 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45070 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45071 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
45072 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45073 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45074 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45075 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45076 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45077 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45078 wall when the revolution came".
45080 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45081 -- Buckminster Fuller
45083 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45085 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45087 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45089 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45090 symposium to follow.
45092 The ends justify the means.
45093 -- after Matthew Prior
45095 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45096 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45097 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45098 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45101 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45102 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45103 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45105 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45106 their children to speak it.
45107 -- George Bernard Shaw
45109 The English instinctively admire any man
45110 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45111 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45113 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45114 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45115 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45116 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45117 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45118 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45119 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45120 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45122 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45123 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45124 "A rich, Jewish family."
45126 "A German aristocrat."
45127 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45128 "I spent most of my life in England."
45129 "How did you make a living there?"
45130 "A friend supported me."
45131 "Where did you get the money from?"
45132 "He owned a textile factory."
45134 "Never heard of him."
45135 "What is your name?"
45138 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45139 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45140 a substitute for intelligence.
45143 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45144 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
45146 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45149 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45150 is the most likely to be correct.
45151 -- William of Occam
45153 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45154 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45155 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45156 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45157 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45158 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45159 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45160 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45161 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45164 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45166 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45167 All the livelong day;
45168 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45169 You cannot get away;
45170 Do not think you can escape them
45171 From night 'til early in the morn;
45172 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45173 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45174 -- University of Texas' school song
45176 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45177 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45178 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45179 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45181 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45182 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45185 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
45186 in general as no other can.
45189 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45192 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45193 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45197 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
45198 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
45200 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45202 The farther you go, the less you know.
45203 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45205 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45206 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45208 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45209 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45210 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45211 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45212 so long as they are Tories.
45213 -- Christopher Booker
45215 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45217 "Through the Looking-Glass,
45218 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
45220 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45221 -- The Grateful Dead
45223 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45224 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45226 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45227 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45228 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45229 of their own homes.
45230 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45235 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45236 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45237 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45239 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45240 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45241 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45242 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45244 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45245 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45247 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45248 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45249 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45250 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45251 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45252 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45253 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45254 for them to despise science fiction.
45255 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
45257 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45258 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45259 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45260 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45261 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45262 center at Notre Dame."
45263 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45266 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45267 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45268 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45269 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45270 and become lesbians."
45272 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45273 (1) write down the problem.
45274 (2) think very hard.
45275 (3) write down the answer.
45276 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45279 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45281 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45282 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45284 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45286 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45288 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
45289 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
45291 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
45293 -- John Quincy Adams
45295 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
45296 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
45297 to man are contained in it.
45300 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
45301 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
45302 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
45305 The First Commandment for Technicians:
45306 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45307 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45308 untechnician-like manner.
45310 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
45313 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
45314 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
45315 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
45316 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
45317 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
45318 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
45319 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
45320 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
45321 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
45322 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
45323 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
45324 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
45325 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
45326 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
45327 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
45328 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
45329 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
45330 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
45331 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
45332 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
45334 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
45335 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
45337 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
45338 and the second half by our children.
45341 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
45342 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
45344 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
45345 management is that success equals skill.
45348 The first requisite for immortality is death.
45351 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
45352 child, was propounded to me by my father:
45353 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
45355 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
45357 "A herring," said my father.
45358 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
45359 "So hang it there."
45360 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
45362 "But a herring isn't wet."
45363 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
45364 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
45366 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
45368 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
45370 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
45373 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45376 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
45377 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
45378 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
45380 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
45383 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
45387 The first thing I do in the morning
45388 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
45391 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
45392 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
45394 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
45395 The second, a trick.
45396 Later, it's a well-established technique!
45397 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
45399 The first version always gets thrown away.
45401 The five rules of Socialism:
45404 2. If you do think, don't speak.
45405 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
45406 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
45407 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
45409 -- being told in Poland, 1987
45411 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
45413 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
45414 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
45416 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
45419 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
45420 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
45422 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
45423 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
45424 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
45425 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
45427 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
45428 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
45429 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
45432 The following statement is not true.
45433 The previous statement is true.
45435 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
45437 1. You can't push on a string.
45438 2. Ain't no free lunches.
45439 3. Them as has, gets.
45440 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
45442 The Force is what holds everything together.
45443 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
45444 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
45446 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
45447 completely surrounded by people who want some.
45448 -- Dwight MacDonald
45450 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
45451 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
45452 rests on mutual help.
45455 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
45456 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
45458 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
45459 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
45461 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
45462 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
45464 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
45465 if the character does not have fire resistance.
45466 -- README file from the NetHack game
45468 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
45472 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
45473 -- W. Somerset Maugham
45475 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
45476 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
45478 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
45479 of both parties tactfully interferes.
45480 -- G. K. Chesterton
45482 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
45483 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
45484 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
45486 The future is a myth created by insurance
45487 salesmen and high school counselors.
45489 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
45492 The future is going to be boring.
45495 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
45497 The future lies ahead.
45499 The future not being born, my friend,
45500 we will abstain from baptizing it.
45503 The garden is in mourning;
45504 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
45505 Summer shivers quietly
45506 On its way towards its end.
45508 Golden leaf after leaf
45509 Falls from the tall acacia.
45510 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
45511 In this dying dream of a garden.
45513 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
45514 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
45516 Close her weary eyes.
45517 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
45519 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
45521 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
45522 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
45523 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
45526 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
45528 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
45530 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
45533 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
45534 remember her first husband.
45536 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
45538 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
45541 The glances over cocktails
45542 That seemed to be so sweet
45543 Don't seem quite so amorous
45544 Over Shredded Wheat
45546 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
45547 least until we've finished building it.
45549 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
45550 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
45552 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
45553 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
45555 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
45559 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
45560 He who has the gold makes the rules.
45562 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
45563 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
45564 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
45565 man in the bonds of Hell.
45568 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
45572 The good (I am convinced, for one)
45573 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
45574 Once your reputation's done
45575 You can live a life of fun.
45578 The good life was so elusive
45579 It really got me down
45580 I had to regain some confidence
45581 So I got into camouflage
45583 The good time is approaching,
45584 The season is at hand.
45585 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45586 Will be heard throughout the land.
45587 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45588 Budless are the trees.
45589 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45590 Is borne upon the breeze.
45591 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45594 If a string has one end, it has another.
45596 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45597 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45598 and they can't fire it.
45600 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45601 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45602 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45603 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45604 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45605 down anything he damn well pleases.
45606 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45608 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45609 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45610 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45612 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45614 -- George Washington
45616 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45617 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45618 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45619 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45620 "Send Lord Combermere."
45621 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45622 Combermere a fool."
45623 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45624 -- G. W. E. Russell
45626 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45627 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45630 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45631 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45632 -- Benjamin Franklin
45634 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45636 The grave's a fine and private place,
45637 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45640 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45641 -- Charles de Gaulle
45643 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45644 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45645 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45646 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45647 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45649 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45651 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45652 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45654 The Great Movie Posters:
45656 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45657 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45658 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45660 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45661 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45662 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45664 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45665 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45666 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45667 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45668 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45670 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45671 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45672 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45674 The Great Movie Posters:
45676 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45678 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45680 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45681 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45683 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45685 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45687 The family that slays together stays together.
45688 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45690 The Great Movie Posters:
45692 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45695 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45696 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45697 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45699 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45702 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45705 The Great Movie Posters:
45707 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45708 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45709 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45710 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45712 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45713 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45715 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45716 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45717 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45718 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45719 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45721 They're Over-Exposed
45722 But Not Under-Developed!
45723 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45725 The Great Movie Posters:
45727 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45728 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45730 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45731 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45732 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45734 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45735 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45736 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45738 The Great Movie Posters:
45740 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45741 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45743 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45744 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45746 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45747 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45749 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45750 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45752 The Great Movie Posters:
45754 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45755 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45756 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45759 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45760 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45763 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45764 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45765 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45766 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45767 was a girl in love!
45768 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45769 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45771 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45772 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45774 The Great Movie Posters:
45776 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45777 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45779 She Sins in Mobile --
45780 Marries in Houston --
45781 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45782 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45783 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45786 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45787 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45789 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45790 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45791 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45792 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45793 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45794 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45796 The Great Movie Posters:
45798 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45799 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45800 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45801 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45802 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45803 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45804 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45805 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45808 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45809 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45811 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45812 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45813 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45814 give you the wim-wams!
45815 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45817 The Great Movie Posters:
45819 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45820 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45821 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45822 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45824 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45825 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45827 It's always better when you come again!
45828 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45830 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45833 The Great Movie Posters:
45835 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45836 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45837 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
45839 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
45841 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
45844 TOMORROW the World!
45847 The Great Movie Posters:
45849 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
45850 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
45857 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
45858 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
45859 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
45860 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
45861 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
45862 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
45863 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
45864 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
45865 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
45866 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
45868 The Great Movie Posters:
45870 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
45871 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
45873 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
45874 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
45875 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
45876 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
45877 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
45878 -- Robot Monster (1953)
45880 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
45882 -- The Egyptian (1954)
45884 The Great Movie Posters:
45886 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
45887 horror on a screaming world!
45888 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
45890 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
45892 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
45894 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
45895 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
45896 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
45897 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
45899 The Great Movie Posters:
45901 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
45902 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
45903 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
45905 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
45906 -- The French Line (1954)
45908 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
45909 -- Hot Blood (1956)
45911 The Great Movie Posters:
45913 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
45915 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
45917 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
45918 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
45920 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
45921 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
45922 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
45924 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
45928 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
45929 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
45930 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
45933 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
45934 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
45935 answered themselves.
45938 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
45939 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
45940 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
45942 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
45943 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
45945 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
45948 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
45949 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
45950 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
45951 their wives and daughters to his arms.
45952 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
45954 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
45957 The Greatest Mathematical Error
45958 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
45959 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
45960 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
45961 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
45962 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
45963 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
45964 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
45965 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
45966 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
45967 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
45969 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
45970 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45972 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
45974 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
45975 -- Robert A. Heinlein
45977 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
45979 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
45980 it delivers its message and then disappears.
45982 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
45983 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
45984 would have been useful to the chicken.
45986 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
45988 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
45991 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
45992 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
45994 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
45997 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
45998 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
46000 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
46001 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
46002 author's name on the title page.
46003 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
46005 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
46006 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
46008 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
46009 of functions performed by private citizens.
46010 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46012 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46013 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46015 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46018 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46020 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46022 The heaviest object in the world is the
46023 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46024 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46026 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46027 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46029 The help people need most urgently is
46030 help in admitting that they need help.
46032 The herd instinct among economists
46033 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
46035 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46036 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46037 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46038 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46039 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46040 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46042 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46044 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46045 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46046 least 5000 years old."
46048 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46049 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46051 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46052 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46053 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46054 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46055 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46057 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46059 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46060 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46063 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46065 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46067 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46068 pretext that your brother did it.
46070 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46073 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46074 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46077 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46078 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46081 The horror... the horror!
46083 The human animal differs from the lesser
46084 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
46087 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46088 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46089 -- Sir George Jessel
46091 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46092 has gills through which it can see.
46095 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
46096 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46098 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
46099 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
46102 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
46103 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
46104 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
46105 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
46106 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
46107 certain degree of awe.
46108 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46110 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46113 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46114 procession but carrying a banner.
46117 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46120 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46121 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46124 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46125 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46128 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46129 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46131 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46134 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46135 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46136 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46139 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46140 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46141 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46142 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46143 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46144 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46145 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46146 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46147 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46148 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46150 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46151 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46154 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46155 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46156 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46157 -- John Maynard Keynes
46159 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46162 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46164 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46167 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46171 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46172 A program is a lot like a nose:
46173 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46175 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46177 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46179 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46180 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46181 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46184 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46185 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46186 important thing to people.
46187 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46189 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46190 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46191 -- Bertrand Russell
46193 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46194 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46195 -- Winston Churchill
46197 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46198 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46199 pointer and a mark.
46200 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46202 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46203 number of participants.
46206 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46207 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46208 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46209 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46210 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46211 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46212 overturning everything.
46213 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46215 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
46216 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
46218 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46219 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46220 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46221 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46223 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46224 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46225 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46226 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46228 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46229 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46232 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46233 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46234 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46235 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46236 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46239 The Junior God now heads the roll
46240 In the list of heaven's peers;
46241 He sits in the House of High Control,
46242 And he regulates the spheres.
46243 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46244 If, even in gods divine,
46245 The best and wisest may not be those
46246 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46249 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46250 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46251 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46252 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46253 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46254 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46255 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46256 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46257 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46258 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46259 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46260 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46261 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46262 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46263 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46264 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46266 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46267 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46270 The Kennedy Constant:
46271 Don't get mad -- get even.
46273 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46276 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46277 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46278 advantage to see the truth.
46279 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46281 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46283 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46284 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46286 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46288 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
46289 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
46291 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
46292 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
46295 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
46296 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
46297 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
46299 The knowledge that makes us cherish
46300 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
46303 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
46304 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
46305 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
46306 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
46307 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
46308 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
46309 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
46310 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
46311 And now, just look at me."
46313 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
46314 Would shudder at a wicked word.
46315 Their candle gives a single light;
46316 They'd rather stay at home at night.
46317 They do not keep awake till three,
46318 Nor read erotic poetry.
46319 They never sanction the impure,
46320 Nor recognize an overture.
46321 They shrink from powders and from paints...
46322 So far, I've had no complaints.
46325 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
46326 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
46327 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
46329 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
46332 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
46333 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
46335 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
46337 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
46340 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
46344 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
46345 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
46348 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
46351 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
46352 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
46355 The Law of the Letter:
46356 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
46358 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
46359 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46361 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
46363 -- Henry David Thoreau
46365 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
46366 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
46367 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
46371 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
46372 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
46373 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
46374 give a public reading of his latest poem.
46375 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
46376 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
46377 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
46378 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
46379 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
46380 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
46382 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
46383 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
46384 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
46385 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
46386 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
46387 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
46388 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
46389 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
46390 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
46392 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46394 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
46395 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
46396 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
46397 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
46398 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
46399 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
46400 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
46401 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
46402 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46404 The Least Successful Collector
46405 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
46406 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
46407 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
46408 works of Shakespeare.
46409 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
46410 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
46411 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
46412 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
46413 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
46414 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
46415 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46417 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
46418 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
46419 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
46420 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
46422 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
46423 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
46424 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
46425 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
46426 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
46427 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
46429 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46431 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
46432 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
46433 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
46434 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
46435 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
46437 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46439 The Least Successful Executions
46440 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
46441 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
46442 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
46443 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
46444 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
46445 punishment, he was reprieved.
46446 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
46447 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
46448 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
46449 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
46450 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
46451 to America and lived until 1933.
46452 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46454 The Least Successful Police Dogs
46455 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
46456 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
46457 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
46458 offend the criminal classes.
46459 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
46460 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
46461 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
46462 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
46463 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
46465 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
46466 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
46467 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
46468 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
46469 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46471 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
46474 The less time planning, the more time programming.
46476 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
46478 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
46479 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
46480 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
46481 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
46482 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
46483 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
46484 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
46485 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
46487 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
46489 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
46490 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
46491 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
46494 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
46496 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
46497 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
46498 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
46499 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
46500 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
46501 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
46503 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
46505 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
46506 Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
46507 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
46508 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
46509 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
46510 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
46512 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
46513 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
46514 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
46515 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
46517 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
46518 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
46520 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
46523 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
46524 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
46525 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
46528 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
46530 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
46531 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
46532 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
46533 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
46534 it travels across the screen.
46536 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
46538 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
46539 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
46540 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
46541 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
46543 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
46545 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
46546 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
46547 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
46548 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
46549 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
46551 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
46553 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
46554 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
46555 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
46556 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
46557 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
46558 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
46559 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
46560 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
46561 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
46562 who end up using this language.
46564 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
46566 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
46567 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
46568 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
46569 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
46570 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
46571 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
46572 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
46573 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
46574 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
46576 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
46579 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
46582 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46585 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46587 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46589 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46591 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46592 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46595 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46596 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46599 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46600 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46602 The little town that time forgot,
46603 Where all the women are strong,
46604 The men are good-looking,
46605 And the children above-average.
46606 -- Prairie Home Companion
46608 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46609 door with a basket of kittens.
46610 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46611 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46612 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46613 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46614 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46615 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46616 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46617 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46619 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46620 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46621 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46624 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46627 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46629 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46630 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46632 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46633 we could with both of them.
46634 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46636 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46637 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46639 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46643 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46644 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46646 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46647 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46648 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46649 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46650 steel through your last meal!"
46651 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46653 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46655 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46656 Are of imagination all compact...
46657 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46659 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46661 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46662 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46664 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46667 The major advances in civilization are processes
46668 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46671 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46672 bonds will eventually mature.
46674 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46677 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46679 -- Honore de Balzac
46681 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46682 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46686 The makers may make,
46687 And the users may use,
46688 But the fixers must fix
46689 With but minimal clues.
46691 The man she had was kind and clean
46692 And well enough for every day,
46693 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46694 The one that got away.
46695 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46697 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46698 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46699 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46701 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46702 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46703 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46704 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46705 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46706 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46707 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46708 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46709 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46710 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46711 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46712 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46714 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46715 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46717 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46719 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46722 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46725 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46726 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46728 The man who runs may fight again.
46731 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46732 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46733 -- Old Japanese proverb
46735 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46736 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46739 The man who understands one woman is
46740 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46743 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46744 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46747 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46748 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46751 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46754 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46756 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46757 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46758 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46760 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46761 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46764 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46765 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46766 master calls a butterfly.
46767 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46769 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46770 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46771 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46773 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46775 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46777 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46778 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46779 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46781 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46784 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46786 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46787 always end up on their ends without any means.
46790 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46791 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46793 The meek don't want it.
46795 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46797 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46799 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46800 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46802 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46805 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46807 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46809 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46810 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46812 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46814 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46815 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46818 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46819 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46821 -- Winston Churchill
46823 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46824 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46825 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46826 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46828 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46829 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46832 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46833 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46836 The operation completed successfully.
46838 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46839 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
46841 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
46843 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
46844 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
46845 being who produces the impressions.
46846 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
46848 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
46849 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
46850 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
46851 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
46852 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
46853 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
46855 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
46858 The Modelski Chain Rule:
46859 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
46860 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
46862 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
46863 bright-looking individual.
46864 3: Procure a large chain.
46865 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
46866 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
46867 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
46868 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
46870 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
46871 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
46873 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
46874 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
46876 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
46878 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
46879 -- Nicol Williamson
46881 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
46883 The moon is made of green cheese.
46886 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
46888 The Moral Majority is neither.
46890 The more control, the more that requires control.
46892 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
46893 the odds that the competition already has the order.
46895 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
46897 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
46898 lower the mailing cost.
46899 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
46901 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
46903 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
46904 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
46906 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
46907 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
46909 The more laws and order are made prominent,
46910 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
46913 The more the merrier.
46916 The more they over-think the plumbing
46917 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
46919 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
46922 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
46924 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
46926 The more we disagree, the more chance
46927 there is that at least one of us is right.
46929 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
46931 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
46933 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
46934 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
46935 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
46937 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
46939 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
46942 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
46944 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
46945 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
46946 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
46947 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
46948 have the good fortune to find one.
46951 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
46952 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
46953 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
46956 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
46957 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
46960 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
46961 -- American proverb
46963 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
46966 b) The American Nazi Party
46967 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
46969 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
46970 the country is the one on which you resell it.
46973 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
46974 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
46976 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
46977 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
46978 -- Theodore H. White
46980 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
46982 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
46983 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
46984 -- Alfred De Musset
46986 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
46987 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
46990 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
46991 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
46992 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
46993 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
46994 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
46995 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
46996 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
46997 starts a long, long time before the event.
46998 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
46999 from "Congress Eate It Up"
47001 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
47002 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
47005 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
47006 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
47007 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
47009 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47011 The most important early product on the way
47012 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47014 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47015 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47017 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47018 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47021 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47023 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47024 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47026 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47027 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47028 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47030 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47031 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47032 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47033 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47034 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47035 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47036 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47037 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47038 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47039 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47040 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47041 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47042 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47043 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47044 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47045 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47046 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47047 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47048 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47049 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47050 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47051 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47052 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47053 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47054 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
47055 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47057 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47058 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47062 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47063 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47064 them were fishermen.
47067 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47068 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47069 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47070 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47071 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47072 to commit adultery.
47073 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47074 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47075 the printers L3,000.
47076 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47078 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47079 children for their insurance money.
47082 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47084 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47085 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47086 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47087 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47089 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47090 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47091 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47093 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47094 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47096 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47097 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47099 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47100 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47103 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47104 Support your right to bare arms!
47106 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47109 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47112 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47113 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47114 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47115 -- James "Kibo" Parry
47117 The net of law is spread so wide,
47118 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47119 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47120 They take in every child of wrong.
47121 O wondrous web of mystery!
47122 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47123 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47125 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47126 I hope I don't get run over again.
47128 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47129 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47132 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47134 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47135 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47137 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
47138 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47142 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47143 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47144 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47145 and running the country ...
47146 -- Robert J. Woodhead
47148 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47149 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47152 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47153 The last thing I said was false.
47155 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47156 -- Lucille S. Harper
47158 The nice thing about standards
47159 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
47160 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47162 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47164 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47165 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47167 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47168 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47169 I'm burnt around the edges,
47170 But I'm tender in the middle.
47173 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47174 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47175 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47176 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47177 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47179 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
47180 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
47181 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47183 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47184 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47185 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47186 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47189 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47193 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47194 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47196 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47199 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47200 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47202 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47203 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47205 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47206 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47207 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47210 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
47211 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
47212 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
47215 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
47216 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47218 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47220 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47222 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47224 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
47225 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
47226 of Corporate Planning."
47228 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47230 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47231 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47232 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47233 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47235 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47237 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47238 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47239 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47240 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47241 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47242 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47244 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47245 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47246 more like fourteen.
47247 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47249 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47250 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47251 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47252 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47253 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47255 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47256 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
47259 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47260 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
47262 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47264 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
47265 Let the reader catch his own breath.
47266 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47268 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
47269 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
47272 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47275 The one good thing about repeating your
47276 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
47278 The one L lama, he's a priest
47279 The two L llama, he's a beast
47280 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47281 There isn't any three L lllama.
47282 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47283 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47285 The One Page Principle:
47286 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47287 cannot be understood.
47290 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47291 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47293 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47296 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47299 The only constant is change.
47301 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47302 right turn on a red light.
47305 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47306 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47308 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47310 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47311 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47314 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47315 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47316 -- The Indianapolis Star
47318 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47320 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47322 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47323 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47324 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47325 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47326 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47327 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47328 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47329 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47330 it and are delighted.
47331 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
47333 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47336 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47337 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47338 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
47341 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47344 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47345 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47346 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47347 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47348 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47350 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47353 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47355 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47357 The only possible interpretation of any research
47358 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
47359 -- Ernest Rutherford
47361 The only problem with being a man of leisure
47362 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
47364 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47367 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47368 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47369 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47370 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47373 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47374 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47375 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47376 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47378 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47380 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47381 for getting acquainted.
47384 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47385 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47388 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47390 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
47391 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
47392 finished, and put inside boxes.
47393 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47395 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
47396 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
47399 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
47400 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47402 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
47404 The only thing better than love is milk.
47406 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
47408 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
47410 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
47412 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
47413 the first one was useless.
47414 -- Nicolas Chamfort
47416 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
47419 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
47420 the lessons that history has to teach.
47423 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
47424 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
47426 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
47427 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
47428 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
47429 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
47431 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
47433 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
47435 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
47437 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
47439 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
47440 he has lost over the years.
47441 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
47443 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
47446 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
47450 The only way to amuse some people
47451 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
47453 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
47456 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
47457 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
47460 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
47463 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
47464 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
47465 -- Jean de la Bruyere
47467 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
47470 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
47471 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47474 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47477 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
47479 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
47481 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
47482 and the pessimist knows it.
47483 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
47485 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
47486 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
47487 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
47488 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
47490 The optimum committee has no members.
47491 -- Norman Augustine
47493 The opulence of the front office door varies
47494 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
47496 The orders come down and they march us away.
47497 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
47498 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
47499 But it's better than working for Xerox.
47500 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
47502 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
47506 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
47509 The other line moves faster.
47511 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
47512 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
47513 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
47514 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
47515 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
47516 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
47517 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
47518 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
47519 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
47520 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
47521 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
47522 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
47524 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
47526 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
47527 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
47529 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
47530 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
47531 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
47532 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
47534 The past always looks better than it was.
47535 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
47536 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
47538 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
47539 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
47542 The people sensible enough to give
47543 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
47545 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
47546 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
47547 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
47548 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
47549 person you have always wanted to be.
47552 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
47555 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
47556 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
47560 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
47562 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
47564 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
47566 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
47568 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
47569 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
47570 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
47571 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
47573 The philosopher's treatment of a question
47574 is like the treatment of an illness.
47577 The Phone Booth Rule:
47578 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
47580 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
47581 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
47582 Let others think his heart is big,
47583 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47586 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47587 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47588 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47589 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47590 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47593 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47596 The plural of spouse is spice.
47598 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47599 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47600 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47603 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47604 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47605 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47606 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47607 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47608 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47609 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47610 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47611 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47612 the higher emotions.
47613 She would me "Honey" call,
47614 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47615 But now alas! She's left me
47617 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47618 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47619 The fives did fit her shoe.
47620 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47621 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47622 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47623 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47624 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47625 worst poet in England."
47626 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47628 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47629 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47632 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47633 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47634 save your sanity for later.
47636 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47637 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47638 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47639 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47640 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47642 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47645 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47646 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47647 -- Buckminster Fuller
47649 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47650 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47653 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47656 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47659 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47660 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47662 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47664 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47665 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47666 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47667 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47670 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47671 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47672 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47673 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47675 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47676 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47677 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47679 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47681 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47682 they might force their beliefs on us.
47685 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47688 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47689 knowledge of its ugly side.
47692 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47693 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47694 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47696 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47698 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47699 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47701 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47702 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47703 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47704 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47705 program, should the value of pi change.
47706 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47708 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47709 voters to win the next election.
47711 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47712 represents the secondary theme:
47714 Law Enforcement Officials
47716 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47718 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47721 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47722 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47724 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47725 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47726 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47727 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47728 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47729 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47730 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47732 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47734 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47735 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47738 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47739 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47742 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47743 to sleep every few days.
47745 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47746 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47747 government because they could not keep up.
47750 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47751 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47754 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47755 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47756 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47758 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47760 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47763 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47764 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47765 with sloppy English.
47766 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47768 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47772 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47774 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47775 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47777 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47778 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47782 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47783 thoughts about their neighbours.
47786 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47787 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47788 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47789 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47790 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47791 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47793 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47794 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47796 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47798 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47801 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47802 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47803 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47805 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47806 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47809 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47810 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47812 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47814 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47815 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47816 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47817 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47818 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47819 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47820 remain each in their own position.
47821 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47824 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47825 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47826 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47828 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47830 The questions remain the same.
47831 The answers are eternally variable.
47833 The Rabbits The Cow
47834 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47835 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47838 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47839 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
47842 The rain it raineth on the just
47843 And also on the unjust fella:
47844 But chiefly on the just, because
47845 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
47848 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
47850 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
47851 measurement of the speed of blight.
47853 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
47854 illiterates can read.
47857 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
47860 The real man's Bloody Mary:
47861 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
47862 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
47864 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
47865 Throw all the other ingredients away.
47867 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
47869 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
47870 -- Christopher Morley
47872 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
47873 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
47875 The real reason psychology is hard is that
47876 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
47878 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
47880 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
47882 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
47883 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
47884 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
47885 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
47886 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
47888 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
47891 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
47892 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
47895 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
47896 is that the experience makes you wise.
47898 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
47902 The reason why worry kills more people
47903 than work is that more people worry than work.
47905 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
47906 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
47907 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
47908 -- George Bernard Shaw
47910 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
47911 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
47912 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
47913 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
47914 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
47915 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
47917 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
47918 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
47921 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
47925 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
47926 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
47927 The hen, pleased with that,
47928 Laid an egg in his hat --
47929 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
47930 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
47932 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
47933 -- Japanese proverb
47935 The revolution will not be televised.
47937 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
47939 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
47940 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47942 The rhino is a homely beast,
47943 For human eyes he's not a feast.
47944 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
47945 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
47948 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
47949 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
47951 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
47952 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
47954 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
47955 and to his imagination for his facts.
47958 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
47960 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
47962 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
47965 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
47966 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
47968 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
47969 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
47970 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
47971 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
47972 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
47974 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
47975 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
47976 you have and what rights you have not got.
47977 -- J. Parnell Thomas
47979 The ripest fruit falls first.
47980 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
47982 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
47985 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
47988 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
47991 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
47992 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
47996 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
47997 one who is doing it.
47999 The root of all superstition is that men
48000 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
48003 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
48005 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
48006 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
48007 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
48008 take it too seriously.
48009 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48011 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48012 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48014 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48015 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48016 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48018 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48019 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48020 it through power, violence or weapons.
48021 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48025 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48026 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48027 the console keyboard.
48028 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48029 card decks together.
48030 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48031 especially if you're already married.
48032 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48033 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48034 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48036 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48037 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48038 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48039 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48040 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48042 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48043 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48044 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48046 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48047 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48048 gesture by the individual to himself.
48049 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48051 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48053 The savior becomes the victim.
48055 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48057 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48058 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48060 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48062 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48064 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48065 showed that all had these things in common:
48067 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
48068 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
48069 (3) All but two of them were dead.
48071 The scum also rises.
48072 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48074 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
48075 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
48076 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
48078 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48079 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48083 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48085 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48086 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48089 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48091 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48093 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48094 you've got it made.
48097 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48098 there is no humor in Heaven.
48101 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48102 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48105 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48106 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
48107 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48108 millstones are lifted.
48109 -- George Bernard Shaw
48111 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48112 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48113 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48114 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48115 him are dead, he is alive.
48116 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48117 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48118 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48119 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48120 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48121 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48122 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48124 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48127 The sheep died in the wool.
48129 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48131 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48132 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48134 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48136 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48139 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48140 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48142 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48143 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48144 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48146 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48147 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48148 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48152 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
48153 -- [just say that five times...]
48155 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48156 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48158 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48159 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48161 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48162 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48163 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48164 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48165 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48166 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48167 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48168 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48170 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48171 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48172 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48173 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48174 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48175 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48176 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48177 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48178 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48180 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48181 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48182 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48183 one can see only a very few things at once.
48184 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
48186 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48187 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48190 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48191 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48192 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48193 its theories will hold water.
48195 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48196 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48197 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48198 And slowly she let him inside.
48200 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48201 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48202 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48203 And now will you tell me why?"
48204 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48206 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48207 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48210 The solution of this problem is trivial
48211 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48213 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48214 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48215 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48216 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48217 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48218 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48219 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48220 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48221 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48222 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48223 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48224 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48225 the table as the children gathered around him.
48226 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48227 There was total silence.
48228 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48230 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48231 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48233 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48234 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
48236 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48238 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48239 able to correct them.
48242 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48244 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48245 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48246 or further down, might dress a clown.
48247 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48248 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48249 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48250 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48251 But please don't let that get you down,
48252 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48255 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48256 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48257 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48258 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48259 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48260 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48261 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48262 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48263 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48264 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48265 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48266 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48267 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48269 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48271 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48272 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48273 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48274 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48277 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48279 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48280 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48281 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48283 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48285 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48287 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48288 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48289 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48290 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48291 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48292 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48293 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48295 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48297 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48299 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48300 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48302 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48303 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48307 The steady state of disks is full.
48310 The story of the butterfly:
48311 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48312 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48313 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48314 the third day, I heard a knock."
48315 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48316 there was nothing."
48317 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48318 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48320 The story you are about to hear is true.
48321 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48323 The street preacher looked so baffled
48324 When I asked him why he dressed
48325 With forty pounds of headlines
48326 Stapled to his chest.
48327 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48328 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48329 You see, you're just like me.
48330 I hope you're satisfied."
48333 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48335 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48337 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48338 -- Raymond Chandler
48340 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48342 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48343 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48344 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48345 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48346 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48347 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48348 by the values he wills.
48349 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
48351 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48352 is an emerging underachiever.
48354 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48357 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48358 even any property taxes."
48359 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48361 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48362 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48363 -- The Silver Surfer
48365 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48366 The population is, of course, growing.
48368 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48370 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48373 The sun was shining on the sea,
48374 Shining with all his might:
48375 He did his very best to make
48376 The billows smooth and bright --
48377 And this was very odd, because it was
48378 The middle of the night.
48380 "Through the Looking-Glass,
48381 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
48383 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48384 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
48386 The superfluous is very necessary.
48389 The superior man understands what is right;
48390 the inferior man understands what will sell.
48393 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
48394 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
48395 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
48396 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
48397 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
48401 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
48403 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
48406 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
48408 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
48409 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
48410 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
48412 The surest way to remain a winner is to
48413 win once, and then not play any more.
48415 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
48416 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
48417 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
48419 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
48421 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
48423 The Tao doesn't take sides;
48424 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
48425 The Guru doesn't take sides;
48426 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
48428 The Tao is like a stack:
48429 the data changes but not the structure.
48430 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
48431 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
48433 Hold on to the root.
48435 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
48436 used but never used up.
48437 It is like the extern void:
48438 filled with infinite possibilities.
48440 It is masked but always present.
48441 I don't know who built to it.
48442 It came before the first kernel.
48444 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
48445 is not the entire Tao.
48446 The path that can be specified
48447 is not the Full Path.
48449 We declare the names
48450 of all variables and functions.
48451 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
48453 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
48454 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
48456 Yet magic and hierarchy
48457 arise from the same source,
48458 and this source has a null pointer.
48460 Reference the NULL within NULL,
48461 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
48463 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
48464 artist never that he is a technician.
48465 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48467 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
48469 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
48471 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
48472 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
48473 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
48474 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
48475 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
48476 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
48477 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
48478 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
48479 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
48480 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
48481 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
48482 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
48483 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
48484 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
48485 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
48486 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
48487 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
48488 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
48489 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
48490 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
48491 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
48493 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
48494 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
48496 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
48497 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
48498 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
48499 most untechnician-like manner.
48501 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
48502 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
48505 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
48506 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
48507 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
48508 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
48509 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
48512 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
48513 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
48514 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
48516 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
48519 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
48520 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
48522 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
48524 The Third Law of Photography:
48525 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
48526 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
48527 the dark leaks out.
48529 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
48531 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
48533 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
48537 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
48540 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
48541 I need a lot of sleep.
48542 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
48544 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
48545 accurately it's called mudslinging.
48548 The Thought Police are here. They've come
48549 To put you under cardiac arrest.
48550 And as they drag you through the door
48551 They tell you that you've failed the test.
48552 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
48554 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
48556 The three biggest software lies:
48558 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
48559 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
48560 will fix the microcode.
48561 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
48563 The three laws of thermodynamics:
48564 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
48565 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
48566 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
48568 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
48570 1) Where's the bathroom?
48571 2) What time does the parade start?
48572 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
48574 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
48575 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
48577 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
48579 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
48580 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
48581 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
48583 The three rules of international air travel:
48585 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
48586 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48587 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48588 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48589 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48591 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48592 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48594 The time for action is past!
48595 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48597 The time is right to make new friends.
48599 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48600 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48603 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48604 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48605 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48606 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48607 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48608 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48609 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48610 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48611 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48612 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48613 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48617 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48620 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48622 The tree of research must from time to time
48623 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48626 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48627 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48630 The trouble with a kitten is that
48631 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48634 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48636 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48638 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48640 -- Franklin P. Jones
48642 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48643 think you have nothing more important to do.
48645 The trouble with computers is that they do
48646 what you tell them, not what you want.
48649 The trouble with doing something right the first
48650 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48652 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48653 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48656 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48657 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48660 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48661 -- George S. Kaufman
48663 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48665 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48666 always comes disguised as hard work.
48667 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48669 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48670 and then marry him.
48673 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48676 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48677 the other fellow of a dull one.
48680 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48683 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48684 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48685 all of the people all of the time.
48688 The trouble with you
48689 Is the trouble with me.
48691 But we still don't see.
48692 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48694 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48695 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48696 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48699 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48702 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48705 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48708 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48711 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48714 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48717 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48718 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48720 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48721 Which practically conceal its sex.
48722 I think it clever of the turtle
48723 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48726 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48729 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48732 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48733 -- George Bernard Shaw
48735 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48736 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48737 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48740 The two things that can get you into trouble
48741 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48743 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48744 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48747 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48748 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48749 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48750 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48752 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
48753 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48754 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48756 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48759 The ultimate game show will be the one
48760 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48761 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48763 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48764 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48766 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48767 "100 percent American"...
48768 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48770 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48772 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48775 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48777 The universe is an island,
48778 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48780 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48782 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48783 combination is locked up in the safe.
48786 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48789 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48792 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48793 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48796 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48799 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48800 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48801 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48802 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48804 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48805 and deviation standard.
48807 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48808 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48810 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48811 that I assume it must be evil.
48814 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48815 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48816 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48817 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48818 world put together.
48819 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48821 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48822 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48823 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48825 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48826 regarded as a criminal offence.
48827 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48829 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48830 -- Benjamin Franklin
48832 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48834 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48838 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
48839 constant and regular employment of violence.
48840 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
48842 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
48846 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
48847 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
48848 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
48849 be one of the facts that needs altering.
48850 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
48852 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
48853 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48855 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
48856 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
48857 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
48858 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
48859 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
48860 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
48861 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
48862 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
48863 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48865 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
48866 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
48869 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
48872 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
48873 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
48874 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
48875 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
48876 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
48877 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
48878 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
48880 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
48881 it's just a tired feeling.
48883 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
48885 The wages of sin are unreported.
48887 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
48890 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
48891 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
48894 The water was not fit to drink.
48895 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
48896 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
48897 -- Winston Churchill
48899 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
48900 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
48903 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
48906 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
48908 The way to a man's heart is through his
48909 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
48910 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
48912 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
48914 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
48916 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
48918 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
48920 The way to make a small fortune in the
48921 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
48923 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
48924 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
48925 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
48926 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
48927 I feel together today!
48928 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
48930 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
48932 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
48933 but the leaves are good to smoke!
48936 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
48937 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
48938 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
48939 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
48940 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48942 The white race is the cancer of history.
48945 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
48948 The whole of life is futile unless you
48949 consider it as a sporting proposition.
48951 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
48952 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
48953 -- Bertrand Russell
48955 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
48958 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
48961 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
48964 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
48965 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
48966 It must have blown through someone's feet,
48967 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
48970 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
48971 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
48975 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
48976 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
48978 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
48980 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
48981 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
48982 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
48983 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
48984 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
48985 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
48986 to get up in the morning!"
48988 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
48989 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
48991 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
48992 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
48993 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
48994 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
48995 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
48996 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
48999 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
49000 designed for people who walk on their hands.
49001 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
49003 The world is a comedy to those who think,
49004 and a tragedy to those who feel.
49007 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
49009 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
49011 The world is coming to an end!
49012 Repent and return those library books!
49014 The world is full of people who have never, since
49015 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49018 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49019 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49022 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49024 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49025 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49026 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49027 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49029 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49031 The world really isn't any worse.
49032 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49034 The world wants to be deceived.
49037 The world's as ugly as sin,
49038 And almost as delightful.
49039 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49041 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49042 nor its great scholars great men.
49043 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49045 The Worst American Poet
49046 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49047 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49048 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49049 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49051 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49052 formula was the same:
49053 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49054 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
49055 Of their death I will relate,
49056 And also others lost their life
49057 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49058 Where so many people died.
49059 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49060 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49061 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49062 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49063 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49064 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49065 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49066 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49067 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49069 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49071 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49072 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49073 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49074 sheepishly left the building.
49075 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49076 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49077 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49078 was a practical joke.
49079 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49080 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49081 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49083 The Worst Car Hire Service
49084 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49085 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49086 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49087 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49088 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49089 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49090 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49091 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49092 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49093 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49094 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49095 we might overlook that too."
49096 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49097 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49099 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49101 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49102 -- George Bernard Shaw
49104 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49106 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49107 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49108 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49109 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49111 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49113 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49117 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49118 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49119 remotest clue what was happening.
49120 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49121 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49122 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
49123 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49124 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49125 was hearing a murder trial.
49126 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49127 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49128 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49129 The judge ordered a retrial.
49130 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49132 The Worst Lines of Verse
49133 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49134 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49135 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49136 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49137 laughter the instant they were read out.
49138 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49139 inspired by the subject of war.
49140 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49141 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49142 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49143 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49144 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49145 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49146 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49147 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49148 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49149 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49150 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49151 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49152 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49153 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49154 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49155 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49157 "I've measured it from side to side;
49158 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49159 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49161 The Worst Musical Trio
49162 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49163 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49164 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49165 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49166 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49167 unhampered by great musical talent.
49168 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49169 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49170 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49171 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49172 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49173 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49174 "and it will be a sell out."
49175 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49176 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49177 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49178 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49179 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49180 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49181 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49182 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49183 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49184 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49185 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49187 The worst part of having success is trying
49188 to find someone who is happy for you.
49191 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49193 The Worst Prison Guards
49194 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49195 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49196 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49197 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49198 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49199 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49200 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49201 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49202 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49203 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49204 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49205 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49206 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49207 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49209 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49210 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49211 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49212 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49213 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49214 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49215 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49217 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49218 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49219 -- George Bernard Shaw
49221 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49223 -- William Butler Yeats
49225 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49226 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49227 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49230 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
49231 They were just the first not to crash.
49233 The yankees, son, are up north.
49234 The damnyankees are down here.
49236 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49237 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49240 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49241 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49242 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49244 The young lady had an unusual list,
49245 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49246 She set no preconditions.
49248 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49249 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49250 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49251 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49252 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49253 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49254 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49255 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49256 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49257 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49260 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49262 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49263 and you'd better not refuse.
49267 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49269 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49270 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49273 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49274 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49276 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49277 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49278 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49279 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49281 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49282 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49283 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49284 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49286 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49287 The town of the cries and the groans.
49288 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49289 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49290 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49292 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49293 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49297 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49299 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49300 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49301 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49302 to the "W" on the dial.
49305 He who has a Tates is lost!
49307 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49308 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49311 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49313 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49314 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49316 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49317 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49318 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49319 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49321 Proceed by induction:
49322 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49325 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49326 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49327 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49329 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49331 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49332 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49333 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49334 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49335 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49336 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49339 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49340 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49341 it will look in print.
49343 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49344 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
49346 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49347 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49348 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49350 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49351 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49352 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49353 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49354 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49355 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49356 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49358 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49360 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49362 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49363 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49366 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49367 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49370 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49371 -- Winston Churchill
49373 There are bad times just around the corner,
49374 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49375 And it's no good whining
49376 About a silver lining
49377 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49380 There are few people more often in the wrong
49381 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49383 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49384 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49385 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49387 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
49388 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
49391 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
49392 and praiseworthy ...
49393 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
49395 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
49396 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
49397 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
49400 There are many intelligent species in
49401 the universe, and they all own cats.
49403 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
49404 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
49405 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
49406 get it in the winter.
49409 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
49410 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
49411 avoiding a great deal of pain.
49413 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
49416 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
49418 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
49420 There are more things in heaven and earth,
49421 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
49424 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
49426 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
49428 There are new messages.
49430 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
49433 There are no answers, only cross-references.
49436 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
49437 are chosen correctly.
49439 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
49441 There are no games on this system.
49443 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
49444 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
49446 There are no great men, only great challenges that
49447 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
49448 -- Admiral William Halsey
49450 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
49451 -- The Duke of Wellington
49453 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
49454 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
49455 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
49456 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
49457 -- Richard Davisson
49459 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
49460 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
49462 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
49464 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
49467 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
49469 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
49470 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
49473 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
49474 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
49477 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
49478 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
49479 people who find nothing odd about it.
49482 There are places I'll remember
49483 All my life though some have changed.
49484 Some forever not for better
49485 Some have gone and some remain.
49486 All these places had their moments
49487 With lovers and friends I still recall.
49488 Some are dead and some are living,
49489 In my life I've loved them all.
49491 But of all these friends and lovers,
49492 There is no one compared with you,
49493 All these memories lose their meaning
49494 When I think of love as something new.
49495 Though I know I'll never lose affection
49496 For people and things that went before,
49497 I know I'll often stop and think about them
49498 In my life I'll love you more.
49499 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
49501 There are running jobs.
49502 Why don't you go chase them?
49504 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
49505 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
49506 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
49509 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
49510 By the men who moil for gold;
49511 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
49512 That would make your blood run cold;
49513 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
49514 But the queerest they ever did see
49515 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
49516 I cremated Sam McGee.
49517 -- Robert W. Service
49519 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
49520 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
49523 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
49524 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
49525 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
49526 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
49527 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
49528 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
49530 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
49531 -- Benjamin Disraeli
49533 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
49535 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
49536 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
49537 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
49539 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
49540 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
49541 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
49542 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
49543 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
49544 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
49545 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
49546 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
49548 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
49549 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
49551 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
49553 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
49554 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
49555 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
49556 long winter evenings.
49559 There are three rules for writing a novel.
49560 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
49561 -- W. Somerset Maugham
49563 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
49564 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
49565 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
49566 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
49567 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
49569 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
49573 There are three things I have always loved
49574 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
49576 There are three things men can do with women:
49577 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
49580 There are three ways to get something done:
49582 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
49583 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
49585 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
49588 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
49589 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49592 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49593 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49594 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49595 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49596 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49597 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49598 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49600 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49601 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49602 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49603 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49604 Man it is smokin'!"
49605 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49607 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49608 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49609 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49610 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49612 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49613 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
49614 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49616 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49617 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
49619 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49620 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49621 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49622 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49624 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49625 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49626 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49628 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49629 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49631 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49633 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49634 marriage and after marriage.
49636 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49637 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49638 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49642 There are two ways of disliking art.
49643 One is to dislike it.
49644 The other is to like it rationally.
49647 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49648 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49651 There are two ways to write error-free
49652 programs; only the third one works.
49654 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49655 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49657 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49658 with an insurance salesman?
49661 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49662 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49663 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49664 together we'll face the world.
49665 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49667 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49668 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49670 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49673 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49676 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49679 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49680 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49683 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49684 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49686 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49687 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49690 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49691 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49693 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49694 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49695 permissions for everyone, you could say
49697 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49699 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49700 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49702 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49703 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49704 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49705 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49706 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49707 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49708 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49709 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49710 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49712 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49713 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49715 There has been an alarming increase in the
49716 number of things you know nothing about.
49718 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49720 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49721 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49722 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49723 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49725 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49726 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49727 A: The elevator would be full.
49729 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49730 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49731 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49732 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
49734 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49738 There is a fly on your nose.
49740 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49741 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49742 each other's throat.
49743 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49745 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49746 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49748 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49750 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49751 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49752 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49754 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49755 tied during the month of April.
49757 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49760 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49761 wooden toilet seats.
49763 It's called the Birch John Society.
49765 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49766 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49770 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49771 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49772 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49775 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49776 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49778 There is a time in the tides of men,
49779 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49780 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49783 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49784 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49787 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49790 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49792 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49794 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49796 There is always something new out of Africa.
49797 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49799 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49800 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49801 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49803 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49804 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49807 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49808 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49810 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49811 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49812 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49815 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49816 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49817 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49818 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49819 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49822 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49823 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49825 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49826 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49828 There is in certain living souls
49829 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49830 So great it must be shared
49831 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49832 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49834 There is one lonelier than you.
49836 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49837 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
49838 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
49839 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
49840 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
49841 even highly probable.
49842 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
49844 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
49846 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
49847 and we will conquer. Follow me.
49848 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
49850 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
49851 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
49852 -- G. K. Chesterton
49854 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
49855 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
49857 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
49860 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
49861 always enough time to do it over.
49863 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
49865 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
49866 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
49867 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
49869 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
49870 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49872 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
49873 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
49874 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
49876 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
49877 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
49878 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
49879 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
49880 striving of the human race.
49881 -- Alfred North Whitehead
49883 There is no comfort without pain; thus
49884 we define salvation through suffering.
49887 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
49888 -- George Santayana
49890 There is no delight the equal of dread.
49891 As long as it is somebody else's.
49894 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
49896 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
49899 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
49900 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
49901 as "unearned income."
49904 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
49905 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
49907 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
49908 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
49909 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
49910 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
49911 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
49912 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
49914 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
49916 There is no fool to the old fool.
49919 There is no future in time travel.
49921 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
49923 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
49924 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
49925 -- Ernest Hemingway
49927 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
49928 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
49930 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
49931 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
49934 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
49935 -- George Francis Gillette
49937 There is no point in waiting.
49938 The train stopped running years ago.
49939 All the schedules, the brochures,
49940 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
49941 Promise rides to a distant country
49942 That no longer exists.
49944 There is no proverb that is not true.
49947 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
49948 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
49949 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
49950 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
49952 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
49954 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
49955 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
49956 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
49958 There is no royal road to geometry.
49961 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
49963 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
49964 -- George Bernard Shaw
49966 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
49967 -- General Douglas MacArthur
49969 There is no sin but ignorance.
49970 -- Christopher Marlowe
49972 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
49973 -- George Bernard Shaw
49975 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
49977 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
49979 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
49981 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
49983 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
49985 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
49986 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
49989 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
49991 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
49992 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
49993 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49995 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
49996 some anxiety always goes with it.
49998 There is no time like the pleasant.
50000 There is no time like the present
50001 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
50003 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
50004 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
50006 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
50007 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
50008 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
50009 live as cheap as the people.
50010 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50012 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50013 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50016 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50017 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50019 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50020 -- Winston Churchill
50022 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50023 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50025 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50026 -- Marie Antoinette
50028 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50029 when you do it reluctantly.
50030 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50032 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50035 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
50036 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
50037 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
50038 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
50039 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
50040 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50041 the middle of the night?'"
50043 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50045 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50046 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50049 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50050 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50052 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50053 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50056 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50057 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50060 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
50061 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
50064 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50067 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50068 -- Robert A. Heinlein
50070 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50071 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50074 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50075 and that word is blackmail.
50078 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50079 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50082 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50083 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50085 There is something in the pang of change
50086 More than the heart can bear,
50087 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50090 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50092 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50094 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50095 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50099 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50100 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50102 There must be more to life than having everything.
50105 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50106 -- Benjamin Franklin
50108 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50109 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50110 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50112 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50113 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50114 what would your decision be, my son?"
50115 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50116 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50117 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50119 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50120 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50121 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50123 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50124 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50125 what would your decision be, my son?"
50126 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50127 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50128 that I had promised."
50129 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50131 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50134 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
50135 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50137 There was a little girl
50138 Who had a little curl
50139 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50140 When she was good, she was very, very good
50141 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50142 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50144 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50145 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50146 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50147 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50148 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50149 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50150 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50151 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50152 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50153 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50154 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50155 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50156 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50157 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50158 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50159 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50160 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50161 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50163 There was a phone call for you.
50165 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50166 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50167 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
50168 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
50169 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
50170 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
50171 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
50172 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
50173 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
50175 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50176 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50177 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50179 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
50181 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50182 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50184 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50186 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50187 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50188 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50190 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50191 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50192 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50196 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50197 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50198 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50199 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50200 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50201 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50202 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50203 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50204 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50205 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50206 the squaws of the other two hides.
50208 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50209 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50210 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50211 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50212 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50213 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50214 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50215 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50217 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50218 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50219 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50221 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50222 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50223 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50224 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50225 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50226 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50227 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50228 he tells the counterman.
50229 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50230 "You must be from New York."
50231 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50233 "Because this is a hardware store."
50235 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50236 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50237 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50238 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50239 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50240 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50241 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50242 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50243 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50244 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50245 telephone business?
50247 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50248 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50250 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50252 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50255 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50256 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50259 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50260 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50261 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50262 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50263 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50264 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50265 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50266 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50268 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50271 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50272 When everything is falling apart
50273 In life, just like in loving
50274 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50277 Like you don't need the money
50278 Love like you'll never get hurt
50280 Like nobody's watching
50281 It's gotta come from the heart
50282 If you want it to work.
50285 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50286 allows you to install Windows.
50287 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50289 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50291 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50292 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50293 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50294 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50295 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50296 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50297 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50298 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50299 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50300 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50301 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50302 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50303 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50305 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50306 The corporation that we represent.
50307 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50308 Of that man of men our sterling president
50309 The name of T. J. Watson means
50310 A courage none can stem
50311 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50312 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50314 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50315 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50316 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50317 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50318 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50319 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50320 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50321 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50322 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50323 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50324 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50325 along -- quite gracefully.
50328 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50331 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50333 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50335 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50336 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50340 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50342 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50344 There's little in taking or giving,
50345 There's little in water or wine:
50346 This living, this living, this living,
50347 Was never a project of mine.
50348 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50349 The gain of the one at the top,
50350 For art is a form of catharsis,
50351 And love is a permanent flop,
50352 And work is the province of cattle,
50353 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50354 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50355 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50358 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50359 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50362 There's no justice in this world.
50363 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50364 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50365 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50366 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50369 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50370 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
50372 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50375 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50378 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50380 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50381 what you're talking about.
50382 -- John von Neumann
50384 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
50385 -- Milton Friendman
50387 There's no such thing as an original sin.
50390 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
50394 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
50396 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
50398 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
50400 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
50401 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
50403 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
50405 -- Clare Booth Luce
50407 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
50409 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
50411 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
50412 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
50415 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
50416 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
50419 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
50423 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
50424 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
50426 There's nothing worse for your business than
50427 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
50430 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
50431 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
50433 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
50434 always see somebody who did worse.
50435 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
50437 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
50439 There's only one everything.
50441 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
50442 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
50445 There's small choice in rotten apples.
50446 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
50448 There's so much plastic in this culture that
50449 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
50452 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
50454 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
50455 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
50458 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
50459 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
50461 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
50462 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
50464 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
50465 -- Richard Le Gallienne
50467 These activities have their own rules and methods
50468 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
50469 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
50471 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
50472 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
50473 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
50474 out of MEGATON MAN!"
50476 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
50477 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
50479 They also serve who only stand and wait.
50482 They also surf who only stand on waves.
50484 They are called computers simply because computation is
50485 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
50487 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
50488 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
50489 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
50490 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
50491 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
50493 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
50494 when they can see nothing but sea.
50497 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
50498 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
50500 They call them "squares" because it's the
50501 most complicated shape they can deal with.
50503 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
50504 -- The Blues Brothers
50506 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
50507 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
50508 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
50510 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
50511 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
50512 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
50513 only want to count to two.
50514 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
50516 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
50517 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
50518 question about the suffering of starving miners.
50520 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
50522 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
50523 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
50525 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
50526 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
50527 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
50529 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
50531 They make a desert and call it peace.
50532 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
50534 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
50535 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
50536 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
50537 -- Richard M. Nixon
50539 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
50540 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
50541 learn this particular lesson.
50542 -- Richard Stallman
50544 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
50545 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
50546 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
50548 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
50549 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
50550 then we take Berlin.
50552 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
50553 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
50554 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
50555 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
50557 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
50558 always spell better than they pronounce.
50561 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
50562 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
50563 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
50565 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
50567 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
50568 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
50569 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
50570 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
50572 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
50573 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
50574 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
50575 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
50577 My notion was to start again
50578 Ignoring all they'd done
50579 We quickly turned it into code
50580 To see if it would run.
50582 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
50583 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
50585 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
50586 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
50588 They use different words for things in America.
50589 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50590 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50591 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50594 They went rushing down that freeway,
50595 Messed around and got lost.
50596 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50597 And it was life in the fast lane.
50598 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50600 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50601 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50603 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50604 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50605 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50606 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50609 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50610 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50611 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50615 They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling
50616 age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on
50617 you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and
50619 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father
50621 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50622 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50624 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50626 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50630 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50631 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50632 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50634 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50635 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50637 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50639 Things are not always what they seem.
50642 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50644 Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
50646 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50648 Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
50650 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
50652 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50654 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50655 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50657 Things will be bright in P.M.
50658 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50660 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50663 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50666 Pollute the Mississippi.
50668 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50670 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50673 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50675 Think of your family tonight.
50676 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50681 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50683 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50684 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50686 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50687 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50688 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50689 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50690 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50691 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50692 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50693 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50695 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50696 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50699 Thirty days hath Septober,
50700 April, June, and no wonder.
50701 all the rest have peanut butter
50702 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50704 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50707 Then they stand still.
50710 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50711 Everye nighte and alle,
50712 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50713 And Christe receive thy saule.
50714 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50716 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50717 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50718 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50719 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50720 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50721 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50722 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50723 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50724 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50725 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50726 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50727 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50729 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50730 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50731 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50733 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50735 This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
50736 intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
50737 are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
50738 transmission, please delete it immediately.
50740 Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
50741 there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
50742 have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
50743 Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
50744 legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
50746 This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
50747 bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
50749 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
50751 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50753 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50755 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50756 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50757 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50758 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50759 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50761 This fortune intentionally not included.
50763 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50765 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50766 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50768 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50770 This fortune is false.
50772 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50774 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50776 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50778 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50780 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50781 We have emotional moving vans.
50784 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50785 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50786 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50787 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50788 of the house by dinner!"
50790 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50791 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50793 This is a good time to punt work.
50795 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50799 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50800 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50802 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50803 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50805 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50806 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50807 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50808 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50809 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50810 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50811 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50812 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50813 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50814 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50815 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50816 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50817 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50818 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50819 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50821 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50823 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50824 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50825 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50827 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50828 and not enough hunchbacks.
50830 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50831 Unborn and unbegot,
50832 For them to read when they're in trouble
50836 This is Jim Rockford.
50837 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50839 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50841 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50843 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50844 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50845 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50847 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50848 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50850 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50852 This is NOT a repeat.
50854 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
50855 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
50856 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
50857 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
50859 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
50861 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
50862 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
50863 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
50864 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
50865 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
50866 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
50867 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
50868 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
50869 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
50870 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
50871 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
50872 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
50873 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
50874 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
50876 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
50877 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
50879 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
50880 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
50881 and come alone. I'm serious!
50883 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
50884 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
50885 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50887 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
50888 power of computers:
50890 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
50891 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
50892 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
50893 one should eat each day:
50897 1 glass of skim milk
50898 27 heads of lettuce.
50899 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
50901 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
50903 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
50904 -- Winston Churchill
50906 This is the story of the bee
50907 Whose sex is very hard to see
50909 You cannot tell the he from the she
50910 But she can tell, and so can he
50912 The little bee is never still
50913 She has no time to take the pill
50915 And that is why, in times like these
50916 There are so many sons of bees.
50918 This is the theory that Jack built.
50919 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
50920 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
50922 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
50923 And now you know why.
50925 This is the way the world ends,
50926 This is the way the world ends,
50927 This is the way the world ends,
50928 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
50929 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
50931 This is your fortune.
50933 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
50934 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
50936 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
50937 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
50938 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
50939 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
50941 This land is full of trousers!
50942 this land is full of mausers!
50943 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
50944 -- The Firesign Theatre
50946 This land is made of mountains,
50947 This land is made of mud,
50948 This land has lots of everything,
50949 For me and Elmer Fudd.
50951 This land has lots of trousers,
50952 This land has lots of mousers,
50953 And pussycats to eat them
50954 When the sun goes down.
50956 This land is my land, and only my land,
50957 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
50958 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
50959 This land is private property.
50960 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
50962 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
50963 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
50964 to what to do and where to go.
50966 This life is yours. Some of it was given
50967 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
50969 This login session: $13.99
50971 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
50973 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
50975 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
50976 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
50978 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
50982 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
50983 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
50984 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
50985 don't actually hurt.
50986 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
50987 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
50988 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
50989 man enough to take me on?"
50990 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
50991 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
50992 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
50993 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
50994 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
50995 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
50996 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
50997 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
50998 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
50999 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
51000 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
51001 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
51003 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
51004 got to find a way off this planet.
51006 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
51007 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
51008 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
51009 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
51010 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
51011 paper that were unhappy.
51012 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51014 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
51015 something child-like.
51016 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51018 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51019 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51020 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51021 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51022 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51023 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51024 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51025 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51026 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
51027 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51028 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51029 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51030 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51031 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51032 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51033 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51034 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51035 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51036 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51037 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51038 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51039 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51041 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51042 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51044 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51045 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51046 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51047 which identifies errors in the original program.
51049 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51050 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51051 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51052 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51055 This screen intentionally left blank.
51057 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51058 -- Douglas Hofstadter
51060 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51062 This sentence no verb.
51064 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51066 This thing all things devours:
51067 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51068 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51069 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51070 Slays king, ruins town,
51071 And beats high mountain down.
51073 This unit... must... survive.
51075 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51076 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51078 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51079 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51080 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51081 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51083 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51084 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51086 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51087 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51090 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51092 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51094 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51095 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51096 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51097 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51098 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51099 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51100 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51101 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51102 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51104 Those lovable Brits department:
51105 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51107 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51110 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51112 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51113 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51114 at are called software.
51115 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51116 Literacy for the 1990's.
51118 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51119 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51122 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51126 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
51128 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51129 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51131 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51134 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51135 -- George Santayana
51137 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51139 Those who claim the dead never return
51140 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51142 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51145 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51148 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51149 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51152 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
51153 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51156 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51157 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51160 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51161 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51162 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51164 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51165 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51168 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51170 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51171 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51174 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51175 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51176 without the roar of its many waters.
51177 -- Frederick Douglass
51179 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51180 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51181 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51182 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51183 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
51185 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51186 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51187 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51188 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51189 The highest rung. In his bung.
51191 Because in life they prayed so ill
51192 And offered god such swinish swill
51193 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51194 Sweat from lack of APL
51197 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51199 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51200 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51202 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51204 -- The Tao of Programming
51206 Though I respect that a lot
51207 I'd be fired if that were my job
51208 After killing Jason off and
51209 Countless screaming argonauts
51211 Bluebird of friendliness
51212 Like guardian angels it's
51215 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51216 Who watches over you
51217 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51218 Not to put too fine a point on it
51219 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51220 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51222 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51224 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51226 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51227 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51228 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51229 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51230 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51231 more about the matter than the others.
51232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51234 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51237 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51238 -- Benjamin Franklin
51240 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51241 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51242 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51244 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51245 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51246 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51247 service station," said the Missourian.
51249 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51250 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
51251 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51253 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51254 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51257 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51258 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51259 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51261 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51262 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51263 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51264 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51265 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51266 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51267 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51268 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51269 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51271 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51272 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51273 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51274 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51275 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51277 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51278 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51279 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51280 and users will do the Right Thing.
51281 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51282 and there won't be any pirating.
51284 If these three aren't enough,
51285 just stay at your home directory
51286 and let all processes take their course.
51288 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51289 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51290 -- Bertrand Russell
51292 Thus spake the master programmer:
51293 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51295 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51297 Thus spake the master programmer:
51298 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51299 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51301 Thus spake the master programmer:
51302 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51304 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51306 Thus spake the master programmer:
51307 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51309 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51311 Thus spake the master programmer:
51312 "Time for you to leave."
51313 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51315 Thus spake the master programmer:
51316 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51317 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51319 Thus spake the master programmer:
51320 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51321 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51322 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51324 Thus spake the master programmer:
51325 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51326 hardware is useless."
51327 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51329 Thus spake the master programmer:
51330 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51331 can't make him computer literate."
51332 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51335 Everything goes wrong at once.
51337 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51338 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51339 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51340 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51342 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51343 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51344 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51345 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51347 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51348 And racing around to come up behind you again
51349 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51350 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51352 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51354 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51355 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51356 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51357 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51361 Quite unaccountably
51371 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51373 Tiger got to sleep,
51375 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51376 -- The Books of Bokonon
51378 Time and tide wait for no man.
51380 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51383 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
51385 Time goes, you say?
51387 Time stays, *we* go.
51390 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
51393 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
51394 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51396 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
51398 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
51399 -- Henry David Thoreau
51401 Time is nature's way of making sure that
51402 everything doesn't happen at once.
51404 Space is nature's way of making sure that
51405 everything doesn't happen to you.
51407 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
51410 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
51412 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
51414 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
51416 Time to take stock.
51417 Go home with some office supplies.
51420 Love's wounds unseen.
51421 That's what someone told me;
51422 But I don't know what it means.
51423 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
51425 Time will end all my troubles,
51426 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
51428 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
51429 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
51432 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
51434 Timing must be perfect now.
51435 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
51438 Never fry bacon in the nude.
51440 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
51443 Tip the world over on its side and
51444 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
51445 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51447 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
51448 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
51449 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
51450 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
51451 they would ordinarily.
51452 There is no music in space.
51453 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
51454 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
51456 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
51457 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
51458 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
51459 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
51460 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
51461 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
51462 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
51463 never been easier."
51464 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
51465 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
51466 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
51467 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
51468 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
51469 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
51470 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
51471 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
51472 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
51473 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
51474 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
51475 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
51477 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
51479 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
51482 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
51483 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
51484 stopping at red lights are both optional.
51485 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51487 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
51488 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
51489 to spend a few days there.
51490 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51492 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
51493 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
51494 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51496 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
51497 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
51498 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
51499 Swedes speak better English.
51500 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51502 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
51503 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
51505 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51507 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
51508 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
51509 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
51512 To add insult to injury.
51515 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
51516 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
51517 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
51518 -- Theodore Roosevelt
51520 To any truly impartial person, it would
51521 be obvious that I am always right.
51523 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
51526 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
51529 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
51530 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
51533 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
51534 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
51536 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
51537 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
51540 To be great is to be misunderstood.
51541 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51543 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
51544 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
51545 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
51546 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
51547 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
51548 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
51549 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
51550 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
51552 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
51554 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
51556 To be is to be related.
51564 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
51570 To be loved is very demoralizing.
51571 -- Katharine Hepburn
51573 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
51574 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
51575 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
51576 -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany"
51578 To be or not to be.
51587 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
51589 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
51590 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51593 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51594 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51595 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51598 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51601 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51602 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51604 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51605 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51607 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51609 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51611 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51612 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51614 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51615 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51616 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51618 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51619 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51620 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51621 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51622 To write those routines
51623 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51624 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51625 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51626 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51627 To this glorious quest,
51628 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51629 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51631 Still strove with his last allocation
51632 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51633 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51635 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51638 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51639 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51640 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51642 To craunch a marmoset.
51643 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51645 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51646 more important than the ability to say yes.
51649 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51650 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51652 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51653 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51655 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51657 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51660 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51661 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51664 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51665 of four kids and one bathroom.
51668 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51671 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51673 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51675 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51677 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51678 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51680 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51682 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51684 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51686 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51687 -- MIT Assassination Club
51689 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51690 -- Benjamin Franklin
51692 To err is human, two curs canine.
51693 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51696 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51704 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51707 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51708 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51709 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51710 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51711 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51712 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51713 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51714 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51715 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51716 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51717 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51718 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51719 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51720 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51721 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51724 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51725 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51726 -- Bertrand Russell
51728 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51731 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51732 -- Benjamin Franklin
51734 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51737 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51739 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51740 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51742 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51743 persons, two of them absent.
51745 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51747 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51749 To have died once is enough.
51750 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51752 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51753 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51755 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51758 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51761 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51762 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51764 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51765 to kill them, treat them often.
51767 To know Edina is to reject it.
51768 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51770 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51772 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51775 To listen to some devout people,
51776 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51779 To love is good, love being difficult.
51781 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51783 To make tax forms true they should
51784 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51786 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51789 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51790 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51791 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51792 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
51794 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51796 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51798 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51799 -- 19th century toast
51801 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51803 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51804 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51807 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51809 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51810 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51811 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51812 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51814 To say you got a vote of confidence
51815 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51818 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51820 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51821 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51822 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51823 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51824 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51825 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51826 mind over matter; quite.
51827 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51829 To see you is to sympathize.
51831 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51832 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51834 To stand and be still,
51835 At the Birkenhead drill,
51836 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51839 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51840 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51841 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51843 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51845 To teach is to learn.
51847 To teach is to learn twice.
51850 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51852 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51854 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
51857 To Theodore Roosevelt:
51858 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
51859 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
51860 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
51861 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
51862 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
51864 Sultan to the Berbers
51865 Last of the Barbary Pirates
51867 To thine own self be true.
51868 (If not that, at least make some money.)
51870 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
51874 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
51875 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
51876 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
51877 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
51878 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
51879 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
51880 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
51881 secure ecological niche.
51882 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
51884 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
51886 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
51887 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
51888 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
51889 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
51890 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
51891 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
51892 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
51893 receiving said benefit.
51894 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
51895 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
51896 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
51897 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
51899 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
51901 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
51903 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
51904 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
51906 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
51907 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
51908 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
51909 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
51910 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
51912 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
51913 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
51914 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
51915 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
51916 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
51917 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
51918 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
51919 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
51920 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
51921 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
51922 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
51925 To use violence is to already be defeated.
51928 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
51930 To whom the mornings are like nights,
51931 What must the midnights be!
51932 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
51934 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
51935 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
51936 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
51937 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
51938 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
51939 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
51940 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
51941 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
51942 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
51943 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
51944 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
51945 and choose more docile words to take its part.
51946 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
51947 by making love directly to the brain.
51949 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
51952 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
51953 That from the devil does proceed;
51954 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
51955 And makes a chimney of your nose.
51959 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
51961 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
51962 Read someone else's mail file.
51964 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
51966 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
51968 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
51970 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
51972 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
51974 Today is the last day of your life so far.
51976 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51978 Today is what happened to yesterday.
51980 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
51981 except in major motion pictures.
51982 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
51984 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
51985 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
51988 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
51990 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
51992 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
51993 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
51995 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
51996 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
51997 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
52000 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
52001 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52003 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
52006 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
52007 creating endless annoyance to male users.
52008 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
52010 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
52013 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
52014 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52016 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52018 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52020 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52023 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52025 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52026 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52028 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52030 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52031 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52033 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52034 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52037 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52038 real fast and freak everybody out.
52039 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
52041 Too clever is dumb.
52044 Too cool to calypso,
52045 Too tough to tango,
52046 Too weird to watusi
52050 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52051 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52052 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52053 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52054 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52056 Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
52059 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52060 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52063 Too much is just enough.
52064 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52066 Too much is not enough.
52068 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52071 Too much of everything is just enough.
52074 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52076 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52078 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52079 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52080 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52082 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52084 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52086 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52088 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52090 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52091 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52092 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52093 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52094 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52095 assurance people in its wake.
52096 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52097 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52098 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52099 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52100 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52101 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52102 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52104 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
52105 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52107 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52108 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52109 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52114 Follow these simple suggestions:
52116 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52117 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52118 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52120 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
52121 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52123 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52125 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52127 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52128 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52129 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52131 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52133 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52134 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52135 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52136 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52137 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52138 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
52140 Topologists are just plane folks.
52141 Pilots are just plane folks.
52142 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52143 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52144 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52145 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52146 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52150 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52152 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52153 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52155 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52156 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52158 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52159 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52162 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52163 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52166 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52169 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52172 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52175 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52176 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52177 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52180 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52181 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52185 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52187 Trap full -- please empty.
52190 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52192 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52194 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52197 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52198 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52199 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52200 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52201 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52202 for a short spell?"
52204 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52207 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52208 -- Charles DeGaulle
52210 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52213 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52215 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52217 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52218 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52219 a brand new series of three.
52221 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52222 in eucalyptus trees.
52224 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52226 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52228 True leadership is the art of changing
52229 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52232 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52233 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52236 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52239 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52240 -- Norman Augustine
52242 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52243 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52245 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52249 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52252 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52254 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52255 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52258 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52260 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52261 -- Albert Schweitzer
52263 Truth is free, but information costs.
52265 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52267 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52269 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52272 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52273 of him that brought her birth.
52276 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52279 Dumb and illiterate.
52280 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52284 Try not to have a good time ...
52285 This is supposed to be educational.
52293 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52295 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52297 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52299 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52301 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
52302 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
52303 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
52304 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
52305 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
52308 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52310 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52312 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52313 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52315 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52317 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52318 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52320 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52323 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
52325 Trying to get an education here is like
52326 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52329 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52331 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52333 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52335 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52338 Turn the other cheek.
52342 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52346 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52348 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52349 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52351 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52352 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52355 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52356 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52357 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52358 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52359 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52360 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52361 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52362 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52363 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52364 Came whippany through the englewood,
52365 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52367 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52368 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52369 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52370 He caldwell in his joy.
52371 Did mahwah into patterson:
52372 All jersey were the ocean groves,
52373 And the red bank bayonne.
52376 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52377 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
52378 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
52379 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
52380 Beware the Jubjub bird,
52381 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
52382 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
52383 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
52384 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
52385 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
52386 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
52388 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
52389 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
52390 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
52391 He chortled in his joy.
52392 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52393 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
52394 All mimsy were the borogroves
52395 And the mome raths outgrabe.
52396 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
52398 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
52399 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
52400 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
52401 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
52402 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
52403 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
52404 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
52405 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
52406 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
52407 Came waffling with the truth too good,
52408 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
52410 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
52411 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
52412 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
52413 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
52414 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
52415 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
52416 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
52417 And mammon's wrath them bash!
52418 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
52420 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
52421 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
52422 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
52423 And Cory raths outgrabe.
52425 "Beware the software rot, my son!
52426 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
52427 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
52428 The frumious system crash!"
52430 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
52431 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
52432 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
52433 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
52435 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
52436 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
52437 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
52438 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
52440 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
52441 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
52442 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
52443 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
52444 -- Midnight On The Ocean
52446 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
52447 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
52448 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
52449 A satellite spotted him making his way.
52450 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
52451 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
52452 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
52453 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
52454 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
52455 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
52456 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
52457 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
52458 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
52459 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
52460 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
52461 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
52462 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
52463 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
52464 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
52465 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
52466 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
52467 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
52468 So after a trillion or two had been spent
52469 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
52470 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
52471 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
52473 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
52474 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
52475 throughout our place of residence,
52476 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
52477 possessors of this potential, including that
52478 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
52479 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
52480 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
52481 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
52482 imminent visitation from an eccentric
52483 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
52484 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
52486 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
52489 Twenty two thousand days.
52490 Twenty two thousand days.
52492 It's all you've got.
52493 Twenty two thousand days.
52494 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
52496 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
52497 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
52498 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
52499 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
52500 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
52501 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
52502 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
52503 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
52504 collision course with that ship.
52505 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
52506 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
52507 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
52508 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
52510 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
52511 course 20 degrees."
52512 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
52513 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
52514 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
52516 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
52518 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
52521 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
52523 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
52524 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
52525 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
52526 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
52527 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
52528 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
52529 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
52532 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
52533 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
52534 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
52535 knows when to stop."
52537 Two heads are better than one.
52540 Two heads are more numerous than one.
52542 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
52543 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
52544 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
52545 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
52546 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
52547 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
52548 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
52549 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
52550 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
52551 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
52552 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
52554 Two is company, three is an orgy.
52556 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
52558 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
52559 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
52560 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
52561 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
52562 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
52563 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
52564 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
52566 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
52567 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
52568 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
52569 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
52571 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
52572 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
52573 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
52574 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
52575 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
52576 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
52577 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
52578 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
52580 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
52582 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
52583 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
52584 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
52585 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
52586 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
52588 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
52589 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
52591 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52593 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52595 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52597 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52598 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52599 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52601 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52602 I forget the second.
52604 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52605 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52606 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52607 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52608 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52609 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52610 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52612 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52615 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52618 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52620 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52621 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52622 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52623 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52625 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52626 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52627 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52628 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52630 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52631 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52632 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52633 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52635 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52636 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52637 In the well of sanguine woe?
52638 In what clay & in what mould
52639 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52640 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52642 Type louder, please.
52644 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52645 Run right up and rub its horn.
52646 Look at all those points you're losing!
52647 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52648 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52650 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52651 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52652 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52654 Udall's Fourth Law:
52655 Any change or reform you make
52656 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52658 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52660 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52661 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52662 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52663 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52665 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52666 Sorry for the confusion.
52667 -- Sun Microsystems
52669 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52670 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52671 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52672 coughing and drops dead.
52673 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52675 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52676 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52677 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52679 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52680 just man is also in prison.
52681 -- Henry David Thoreau
52683 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52684 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52685 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52687 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52688 If you want something, it can wait.
52689 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52691 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52694 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52695 Dig my grave and let me relax
52696 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52697 And I lay me down with a will.
52698 These be the words that tell the way:
52699 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52700 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52701 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52703 Under the wide and starry sky,
52704 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52705 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52706 And laid me down with a will,
52707 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52708 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52709 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52710 And the hunter home from the hill.
52713 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52714 Superiority is recessive.
52717 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52718 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52719 basis of your own internal model instead.
52721 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52722 in relation to a bigger problem.
52725 Unfair animal names:
52727 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
52728 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
52729 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
52732 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52733 Selling cheaper than we do.
52735 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52736 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52737 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52738 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52742 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52744 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52745 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52746 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52747 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52748 low over the world.
52754 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52755 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52758 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52759 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52760 you how to fix it, and...
52762 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52763 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52765 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52768 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52770 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52771 of more feet, just to be sure.
52775 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
52777 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52778 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52779 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52780 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52781 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52783 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52785 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52788 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52789 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52790 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52792 UNIX is many things to many people,
52793 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52795 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52799 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52800 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52801 with the workstation harem.
52803 unix soit qui mal y pense
52805 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52806 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52807 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
52809 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52810 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52813 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52815 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52816 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52817 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52818 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52820 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52821 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52822 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52823 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52825 -- William Shakespeare
52827 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52831 If it happens, it must be possible.
52833 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52834 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52837 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52838 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52841 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52845 What you left out on April 15th.
52847 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52848 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52849 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52850 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52852 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52854 Use a pun, go to jail.
52856 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
52857 -- KFOG, San Francisco
52859 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
52860 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
52863 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
52864 more labor and less oratory.
52870 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
52873 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
52874 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
52876 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
52877 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
52879 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
52880 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
52881 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
52882 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
52884 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
52887 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
52888 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
52889 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
52890 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
52892 I always hated those adventure games.
52895 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
52900 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
52901 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
52903 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
52904 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
52908 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
52909 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
52910 life-style to recuperate.
52912 Vail's Second Axiom:
52913 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
52914 amount of work already completed.
52916 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
52917 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
52921 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
52924 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
52927 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
52930 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
52931 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
52932 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
52933 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
52934 and sour won ton soup.
52936 Variables don't; constants aren't.
52940 Vegetables are what food eats.
52941 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
52942 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
52943 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
52944 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
52946 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
52948 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
52949 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
52950 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
52953 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
52955 Verba volant, scripta manent!
52957 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
52960 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
52961 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
52965 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
52967 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
52968 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
52969 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
52970 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
52971 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
52972 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
52973 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
52974 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
52975 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
52976 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
52977 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
52978 is presumably working on it.
52980 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
52981 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
52984 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
52987 A hungry dog hunts best.
52988 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
52990 Decreased business base increases overhead.
52991 So does increased business base.
52993 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
52994 is fifth grade arithmetic.
52996 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
52997 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
52999 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
53000 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
53001 -- Norman Augustine
53003 Victory uber allies!
53006 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
53007 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
53008 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
53009 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
53010 in the 9th century.
53012 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
53013 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53016 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53017 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53018 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53021 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53022 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53024 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
53025 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
53026 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
53027 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
53029 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53031 Violence is molding.
53033 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53036 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53037 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53038 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53039 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53040 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53041 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53045 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53046 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53048 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53051 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53052 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53053 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
53054 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
53056 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
53057 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
53058 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53059 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53060 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53061 that old underwear you own.
53063 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53065 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53066 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53069 Virtue is its own punishment.
53072 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
53075 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53076 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53079 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53080 -- La Rochefoucauld
53082 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53084 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53086 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53087 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53089 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53090 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53092 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
53094 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53097 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53099 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53101 Voiceless it cries,
53108 A mountain with hiccups.
53110 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53111 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53112 And to him who's scientific
53113 There is nothing that's terrific
53114 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53115 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53118 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53119 than never to have lobbed at all.
53121 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53122 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53123 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53124 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53125 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53126 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53130 Vote early and vote often.
53131 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53132 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53134 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53138 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53140 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53143 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53146 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53147 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53148 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53149 (Waiter exits, returns)
53150 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53152 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53153 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53154 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53155 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53157 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53158 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53159 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53160 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53162 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53163 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53164 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53165 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53166 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53168 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53171 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53172 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53174 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53175 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53177 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53179 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53182 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53183 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53184 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53186 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53187 Garp: Gradual school?
53188 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53190 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53191 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53192 -- The World According To Garp
53195 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53196 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53197 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53201 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53202 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53203 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53204 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53205 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
53207 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53208 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
53209 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
53210 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53211 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53213 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53215 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53216 -- Charles Edward Montague
53218 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53220 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53221 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53223 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53224 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53226 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53229 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53231 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53235 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53236 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
53237 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
53238 of your favorite war.
53241 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53242 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53243 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53244 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53245 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53246 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53247 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53248 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53249 things to the terminal.
53251 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53253 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53254 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53256 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53258 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53259 Survivors will be shot again.
53262 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53264 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53265 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53266 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53267 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53268 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53269 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53270 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53272 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53274 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53276 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53277 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53278 There was a time they could cry over books,
53279 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53280 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53281 What's never known is safest in this life.
53282 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53283 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53284 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53285 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53287 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53289 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53292 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53293 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53294 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53296 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53298 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53299 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53301 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53304 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53306 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53308 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53310 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53313 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53317 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53320 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53321 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53324 The single most important word in the world.
53326 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53327 when it's necessary to compromise.
53330 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53331 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53334 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53336 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53338 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53340 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53341 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53343 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53344 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53346 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
53347 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
53348 is that it is not crazy enough.
53351 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53352 before we are fit to participate in society.
53353 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53356 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53358 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53361 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53363 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53366 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53367 -- Albert Schweitzer
53369 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53370 -- Winston Churchill
53372 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
53375 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
53376 -- Whole Earth Catalog
53378 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
53379 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
53381 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
53382 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
53384 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
53386 -- Patrick Moynihan
53388 We are each only one drop in a great
53389 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
53391 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
53393 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
53394 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
53397 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
53398 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
53399 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
53402 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
53403 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53405 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
53406 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
53408 We are not a clone.
53410 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
53415 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
53416 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
53419 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
53421 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
53423 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
53424 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
53428 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
53430 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
53433 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
53434 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
53436 This is a recording.
53438 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
53439 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
53440 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
53441 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
53442 the substance that cast them.
53444 We are the people our parents warned us about.
53446 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
53447 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
53448 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
53450 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
53451 The order is not insignificant.
53452 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
53454 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
53455 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
53457 We are what we are.
53459 We are what we pretend to be.
53460 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
53462 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
53464 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
53467 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
53468 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
53469 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
53471 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
53472 -- Sir Francis Bacon
53474 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
53477 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
53478 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
53479 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
53481 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
53482 -- Richard M. Nixon
53484 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
53485 feet and go skating.
53486 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
53488 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
53489 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
53490 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
53491 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
53492 beautiful Universe, Our home.
53493 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
53495 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
53498 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
53499 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
53501 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
53503 We don't care how they do it in New York.
53505 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
53506 -- James Watt, noted theologian
53508 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
53510 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
53512 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
53513 that it wasn't a fish.
53514 -- Marshall McLuhan
53516 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
53517 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
53519 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
53522 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
53523 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
53524 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
53525 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
53527 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
53529 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
53530 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
53531 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
53532 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
53534 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
53536 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
53538 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
53541 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
53542 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
53544 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
53545 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
53546 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
53550 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
53551 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
53553 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
53554 -- La Rochefoucauld
53556 We gotta get out of this place,
53557 If it's the last thing we ever do.
53560 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
53561 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
53562 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
53563 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
53566 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
53568 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
53569 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
53571 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
53573 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
53574 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
53575 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
53576 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
53577 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
53578 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
53579 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
53580 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
53581 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
53583 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
53586 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
53589 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
53590 than from the machinations of the wicked.
53592 We have no scorched earth policy.
53593 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
53594 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
53596 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
53599 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53602 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53603 back to normal, and that they already have.
53605 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53608 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53610 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53611 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53612 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53613 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53614 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53616 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53617 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53618 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53619 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53620 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53621 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53622 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53624 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53625 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53627 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53629 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53630 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53632 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53633 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53634 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53635 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53636 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53637 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53638 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53639 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53640 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53641 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53642 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53643 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53644 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53645 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53646 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53647 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53649 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53650 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53651 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53652 to crave knowledge.
53655 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53656 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53657 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53658 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53659 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53660 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53661 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53662 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53663 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53664 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53665 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53666 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53668 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53671 We love our little Johnny
53672 He's the best little boy in all the world
53673 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53674 That's how much we love him.
53675 No, we couldn't live without him
53676 So that's why, since he died,
53677 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53678 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53679 Even better than before;
53680 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53681 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53682 Never miss our little Johnny,
53683 He'll never grow up and leave us
53684 That's why we love him like we do.
53687 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53688 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53689 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53690 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53693 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53697 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53698 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53699 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53700 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53701 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53705 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53706 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53707 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53708 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53709 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53710 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53711 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53712 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53713 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53714 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53715 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53716 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53718 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53720 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53721 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53722 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53723 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53724 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53725 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53727 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53728 but we always respect their good judgment.
53730 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53731 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53732 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53733 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
53734 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53735 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53736 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53737 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53738 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53740 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53741 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53744 We must die because we have known them.
53745 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53747 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53748 condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
53749 the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
53750 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53752 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53753 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53754 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53755 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53757 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53758 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53759 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53761 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53763 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53764 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53765 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53768 We must remember the First Amendment which
53769 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53770 -- F. G. Withington
53772 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53773 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53775 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53777 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53778 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53779 -- La Rochefoucauld
53781 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53782 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53783 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53784 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53785 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53786 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53787 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53788 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53790 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53791 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53792 forgotten its source.
53793 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53795 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53796 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53798 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53800 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53801 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53802 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53804 We read to say that we have read.
53806 We really don't have any enemies.
53807 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53809 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53812 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53813 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53814 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
53816 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53817 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53819 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53820 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53821 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53822 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53825 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53826 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53830 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53831 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53835 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53836 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53839 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53842 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53843 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53844 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53845 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53846 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53847 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53848 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53849 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53850 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53851 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53853 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53854 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
53855 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
53857 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
53858 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
53859 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
53860 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
53863 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53864 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53865 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53866 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53869 ------------------- -------------------------
53870 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
53871 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
53872 Moody Manic-depressive
53873 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
53874 Poet Boring manic-depressive
53875 Sultry/Sensual Easy
53876 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
53877 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
53878 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
53879 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
53880 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
53881 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
53883 Aging child Self-centered adult
53884 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
53885 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
53887 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53888 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53889 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53890 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53893 ------------------- -------------------------
53894 Independent thinker Crazy
53895 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
53896 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
53897 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
53898 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
53900 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
53901 Big and beautiful Really Fat
53902 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
53903 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
53905 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
53906 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
53907 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
53908 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
53910 We totally deny the allegations, and
53911 we're trying to identify the allegators.
53913 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
53914 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
53915 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
53916 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
53918 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
53921 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
53922 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
53923 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
53925 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
53926 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
53927 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
53928 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
53929 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
53930 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
53931 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
53932 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
53935 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
53936 were married for four and a half years.
53939 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
53941 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
53942 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
53945 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
53946 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
53947 French restaurant. [...]
53948 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
53949 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
53950 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
53951 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
53952 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
53953 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
53954 "Stop the car," the girl said.
53955 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
53956 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
53957 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
53958 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
53960 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
53961 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
53962 onto my granola and faced a new day.
53963 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
53966 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
53967 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
53971 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
53972 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
53974 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
53975 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
53976 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
53977 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
53978 in the end a summer with wild winds &
53979 new friends will be.
53981 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
53982 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
53983 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
53984 use of this material.
53985 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
53986 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
53987 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
53989 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53990 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53991 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53992 And a Sun Myung Moon!
53996 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
53998 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
54002 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
54003 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
54005 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54007 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
54010 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
54011 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
54012 least interested and say nothing about the other.
54014 Weekend, where are you?
54017 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
54020 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54021 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54022 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54023 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54025 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54026 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54028 Weinberg's First Law:
54029 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54031 Weinberg's Principle:
54032 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54033 on to the grand fallacy.
54035 Weinberg's Second Law:
54036 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54037 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54040 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54041 There are no answers, only cross references.
54043 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54044 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54047 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54059 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54060 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54061 -- Garrison Keillor
54063 Welcome to the Zoo!
54065 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54066 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54067 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54068 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54069 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54070 the reader! For example, the sentence
54072 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54074 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54075 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54076 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54077 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54078 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54079 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54080 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54081 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54084 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54086 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54087 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54088 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54089 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54090 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54091 *thousands* of words to say it.
54092 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54093 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54094 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54095 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54096 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54098 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54099 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54100 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54101 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54103 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54104 nature and will kill you.
54105 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54108 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54109 night. Live, on the Death label.
54110 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54112 Well begun is half done.
54115 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54116 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54120 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54122 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54124 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54125 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54126 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54127 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54128 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54129 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54131 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54132 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54133 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54134 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54135 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54136 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54137 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54138 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54141 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54143 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54144 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54147 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54148 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54149 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54150 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54151 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54152 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54153 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54154 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54155 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54156 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54157 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54158 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54159 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54161 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54162 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54163 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54164 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54165 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54166 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54167 When along came a senorita,
54168 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54169 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54170 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54171 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54172 Grow some funk of your own.
54173 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54174 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54176 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54177 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54178 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54180 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54181 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54182 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54183 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54184 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54186 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
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54188 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54190 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54193 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54195 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54197 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54199 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54201 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54202 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54203 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54205 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54206 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54207 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54208 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54209 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54210 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54212 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54213 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54214 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54215 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54216 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54217 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54218 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54219 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54220 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54222 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54223 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54224 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54225 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54227 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54228 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54229 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54230 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54232 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54233 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54234 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54235 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54237 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54238 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54239 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54240 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54241 -- Core Dumped Blues
54243 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54244 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54245 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54248 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54250 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54251 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54252 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54253 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54255 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54257 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54260 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54261 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54264 Well, we'll really have a party,
54265 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54266 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54268 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54269 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54270 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54271 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54273 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54274 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54275 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54276 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54277 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54278 But the thrill we've never known,
54279 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54280 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54282 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54283 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54284 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54285 Drivin' my limousine.
54286 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54287 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54288 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54289 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54291 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54292 Who'll do anything we say.
54293 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54294 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54295 So we never have to be alone.
54296 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54297 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54298 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54299 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54301 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54302 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54305 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54326 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54327 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54328 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54330 We're all in this alone.
54333 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54334 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54335 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54336 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54337 it's not going to do anything for you.
54338 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54340 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54341 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54342 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54343 in his bowl full of jelly.
54344 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54346 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54347 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54348 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54349 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54351 We're happy little Vegemites,
54352 As bright as bright can be.
54353 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54354 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54356 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54357 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54358 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54360 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54362 We're Knights of the Round Table
54363 We dance whene'er we're able
54364 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54365 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54366 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54367 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54368 That are quite unsingable
54369 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54370 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54373 And impersonate Clark Gable
54374 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54375 I have to push the pram a lot.
54378 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54381 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54382 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
54383 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
54386 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
54387 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
54388 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
54389 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
54390 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
54391 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
54392 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
54393 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
54396 We're only in it for the volume.
54399 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
54402 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
54404 Westheimer's Discovery:
54405 A couple of months in the laboratory can
54406 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
54409 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
54411 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
54412 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
54413 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
54416 We've tried each spinning space mote
54417 And reckoned its true worth:
54418 Take us back again to the homes of men
54419 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
54421 The arching sky is calling
54422 Spacemen back to their trade.
54423 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
54424 And the lights below us fade.
54425 Out ride the sons of Terra,
54426 Far drives the thundering jet,
54427 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
54428 Out, far, and onward yet--
54430 We pray for one last landing
54431 On the globe that gave us birth;
54432 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
54433 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
54434 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
54436 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
54441 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
54442 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
54443 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
54444 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
54446 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
54447 understand what a misfortune it is.
54448 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
54450 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
54451 -- WOP, "War Games"
54453 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
54456 What an artist dies with me!
54459 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
54463 What awful irony is this?
54464 We are as gods, but know it not.
54466 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
54468 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54470 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
54471 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
54472 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
54473 Can only be carried on one man's back.
54474 -- Louden Wainwright III
54476 What did you bring that book I didn't want
54477 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
54479 What did you do when the ship sank?
54480 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
54482 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
54483 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
54484 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
54485 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
54486 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
54487 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
54489 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
54492 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
54495 What does education often do?
54496 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
54497 -- Henry David Thoreau
54499 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
54501 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
54502 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
54503 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
54504 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
54505 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
54506 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
54507 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
54508 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
54509 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
54510 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
54511 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
54512 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
54513 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
54514 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
54515 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
54516 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
54518 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
54519 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54521 What ever happened to happily ever after?
54523 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
54526 What foods these morsels be!
54528 What fools these morals be!
54530 What fools these mortals be.
54531 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54533 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
54535 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
54537 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
54538 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
54539 country. Nice try anyway, George.
54540 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
54542 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
54543 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
54545 What good is a ticket to the good life,
54546 if you can't find the entrance?
54548 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
54549 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
54551 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
54554 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
54555 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54557 What happened last night can happen again.
54559 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
54560 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
54564 What happens to a dream deferred?
54566 Like a raisin in the sun?
54567 Or fester like a sore --
54569 Does it stink like rotten meat?
54570 Or crust and sugar over --
54571 Like a syrupy sweet?
54576 Or does it explode?
54579 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
54581 What has roots as nobody sees,
54582 Is taller than trees,
54584 And yet never grows?
54586 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
54587 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
54588 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
54589 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
54590 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
54591 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
54592 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
54593 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
54594 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
54595 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
54596 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
54597 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
54598 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
54599 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
54600 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
54601 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54603 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54604 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54605 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54606 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54608 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54609 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54610 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54611 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54613 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54615 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54617 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54618 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54619 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54621 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54622 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54623 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54625 What if there had been room at the inn?
54626 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54628 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54631 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54632 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54633 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54634 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54636 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54637 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54638 3. We may not change our hardware.
54639 4. We may not change our tasks.
54640 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54641 in which the work has to be done.
54643 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54644 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54646 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54648 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54651 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54655 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54656 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54658 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54659 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54660 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54661 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54662 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54663 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54664 all the weak: Christianity.
54665 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54667 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54668 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54670 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54672 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54674 -- Charles Baudelaire
54676 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54679 What is mind? No matter.
54680 What is matter? Never mind.
54681 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
54683 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54686 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54689 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54690 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54693 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54696 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54699 Uh, that still ain't right...
54700 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54701 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54702 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54704 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54705 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54706 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54708 "What is the Nature of God?"
54710 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54714 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54716 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54719 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54721 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54722 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54723 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54724 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54726 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54727 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54728 is the first law of nature.
54731 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54732 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54733 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54734 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54735 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54736 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54737 British civilian morale, 1939
54739 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54740 which is the exact opposite.
54741 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54743 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54745 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54746 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54748 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54749 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54752 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54755 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54756 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54758 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54759 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54761 What makes you think graduate school
54762 is supposed to be satisfying?
54763 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54765 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54767 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54768 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54770 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54771 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54774 What on earth would a man do with himself
54775 if something did not stand in his way?
54778 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54781 What one fool can do, another can.
54782 -- Ancient Simian proverb
54784 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54786 What pains others pleasures me,
54787 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54788 There i couch in ecstasy,
54789 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54790 Into kernel memory.
54791 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54792 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54794 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54795 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54797 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54798 more than man's transparency.
54801 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54802 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54803 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54804 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54805 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54806 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54807 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54810 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54811 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54812 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54813 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54814 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54815 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54816 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54817 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54818 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54819 their grasp before they were five years old.
54820 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54822 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54823 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54825 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54828 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54829 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54830 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54831 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54832 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54833 The file, the highseg of login.
54834 Why lies it here, on public disk
54835 And why is it now unprotected?
54836 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54837 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54838 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54839 The file, the highseg of login.
54842 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54844 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54847 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54848 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54849 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54850 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54851 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54852 When they come to hang you, lad:
54853 But bacon's not the only thing
54854 That's cured by hanging from a string.
54855 So, when the spilt ink of the night
54856 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
54857 Lads whose job is still to do
54858 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
54861 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
54862 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
54863 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54865 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
54867 What the hell is it good for?
54868 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
54869 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
54870 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
54872 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
54874 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
54875 -- Nikita Khruschev
54877 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
54882 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
54883 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
54884 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
54885 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
54886 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
54888 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
54889 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
54890 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
54891 a long way with his skills."
54892 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
54893 "You won't find many people like her."
54894 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
54895 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
54896 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
54897 felony in my presence.)
54902 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
54904 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
54905 "Her input was always critical."
54906 (She never had a good word to say.)
54907 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
54908 (And it's nonexistent.)
54909 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
54910 already has so many outstanding members."
54911 (Unless you already have a moron.)
54912 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
54913 one unbelievable result after another."
54914 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
54915 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
54916 (In fact, to life in general...)
54921 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
54922 (We certainly never succeeded.)
54923 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
54924 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
54925 "Success will never spoil him."
54926 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
54927 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
54928 (And such a sigh of relief.)
54929 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
54930 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
54931 (And his IQ, as well.)
54932 "He should go far."
54933 (The farther the better.)
54934 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
54935 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
54937 What they say: What they mean:
54939 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
54940 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
54941 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
54942 to unforeseen difficulties
54943 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
54944 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
54945 assured grateful for anything at all.
54946 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
54947 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
54948 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
54950 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
54951 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
54952 approach kicking it around.
54953 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
54955 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
54957 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
54959 What they say: What they mean:
54961 New Different colors from previous version.
54962 All New Not compatible with previous version.
54963 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
54964 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
54965 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
54966 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
54967 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
54968 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
54969 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
54970 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
54971 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
54972 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
54973 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
54974 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
54975 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
54976 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
54977 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
54978 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
54980 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
54982 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
54984 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
54986 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
54988 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
54991 I don't know, it keeps changing.
54993 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
54994 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
54995 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54997 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
54998 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
55000 What we Are is God's give to us.
55001 What we Become is our gift to God.
55003 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
55006 What we do not understand we do not possess.
55007 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
55009 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
55010 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
55011 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
55012 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
55013 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
55014 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
55015 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55016 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55018 What we need is either less corruption,
55019 or more chance to participate in it.
55021 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55024 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55027 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55028 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55031 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55033 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55034 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55036 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55038 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55041 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55042 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55043 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55044 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55046 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55048 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55049 something to occur to you.
55052 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55053 referring to AST's.]
55055 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55057 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55058 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
55059 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
55060 shredding hundred dollar bills."
55063 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55065 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55067 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55071 Whatever happened to the good old days
55072 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55074 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55076 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55078 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55079 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55080 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55082 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55083 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55085 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55086 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55088 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
55092 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55093 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55094 -- Charlotte Whitton
55096 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
55097 but it is very important that you do it.
55100 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55102 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55104 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55106 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55109 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55111 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55114 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55116 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55117 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55121 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55122 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55123 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55125 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55126 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55127 Some say your nose,
55128 Some say your toes,
55129 But I think it's your mind.
55130 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55132 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55133 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
55135 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55136 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55138 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
55139 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
55142 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55144 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55146 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
55147 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
55150 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55153 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55154 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55156 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55157 inattentions of one.
55160 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55161 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55162 -- George Bernard Shaw
55164 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55165 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55166 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55168 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55169 should consider himself as public property.
55170 -- Thomas Jefferson
55172 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55175 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55176 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55179 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55183 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55184 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55185 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55186 liar who has broken his promises.
55189 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55191 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
55192 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
55193 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55194 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55196 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
55197 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55198 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55199 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55201 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55202 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55205 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55206 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55209 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55210 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55212 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55213 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55214 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55215 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55216 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55217 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55218 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55219 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55220 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55221 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55222 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
55223 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55224 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55226 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55227 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55228 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55231 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55233 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55234 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55236 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55238 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55240 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55242 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55244 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55247 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55248 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55251 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55252 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55254 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55255 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55256 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55258 When asked the definition of "pi":
55260 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55261 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55263 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55267 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55269 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55272 When choosing between two evils, I always
55273 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55274 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55276 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55277 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55280 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55282 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55283 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55284 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55285 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55286 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55287 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55290 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
55292 When does later become never?
55294 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
55295 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
55297 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55300 When forecasting, give them a number
55301 or give them a date, but never both.
55303 When God endowed human beings with brains,
55304 He did not intend to guarantee them.
55306 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55307 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55310 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55311 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55312 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55313 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55314 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55315 himself to destruction.
55318 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55319 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55322 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55323 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55324 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55326 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55328 like my grandfather.
55331 like the passengers in his car...
55333 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55334 and a willingness to compromise.
55335 -- Weber cartoon caption
55337 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55338 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55341 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55342 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55343 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55345 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55346 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55347 what you like now."
55350 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55351 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55352 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55354 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55355 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55356 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55357 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55359 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55361 When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
55362 live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
55363 nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
55364 I am in this torrent.
55365 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
55367 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55368 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55370 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55371 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55374 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55375 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55377 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55379 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55380 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
55383 When I think about myself,
55384 I almost laugh myself to death,
55385 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
55386 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
55387 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
55388 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
55389 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
55390 I laugh until my stomach ache,
55391 When I think about myself.
55392 My folks can make me split my side,
55393 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
55394 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
55395 They grow the fruit,
55397 I laugh until I start to crying,
55398 When I think about my folks.
55401 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
55402 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
55404 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
55405 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
55408 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
55409 I was an only child... eventually.
55412 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
55413 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
55417 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
55418 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
55419 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
55422 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
55423 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
55426 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
55427 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
55430 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
55432 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
55433 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
55434 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55436 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
55437 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
55439 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
55440 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
55443 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
55444 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55446 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
55447 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
55448 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
55449 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
55450 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
55451 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
55452 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
55453 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
55454 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
55455 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
55457 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
55458 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
55461 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
55462 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
55463 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
55464 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
55467 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
55468 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
55471 When I works, I works hard.
55472 When I sits, I sits easy.
55473 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
55475 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
55476 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
55477 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
55478 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
55479 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
55480 questions like a senator.
55483 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
55486 When in charge ponder,
55487 When in doubt mumble,
55488 When in trouble delegate.
55490 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
55491 to apologize than to get permission.
55492 -- Grace Murray Hopper
55494 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
55496 When in doubt, follow your heart.
55498 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
55499 -- Raymond Chandler
55501 When in doubt, lead trump.
55503 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
55506 When in doubt, tell the truth.
55509 When in doubt, use brute force.
55512 When in panic, fear and doubt,
55513 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
55515 When in this world the headlines read
55516 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
55517 Who rob and steal from those who need
55518 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55519 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55520 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
55521 Fighting all who rob or plunder
55522 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
55526 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
55528 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
55529 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
55531 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
55533 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
55534 it is necessary not to make a decision.
55536 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
55537 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
55539 When license fees are too high,
55540 users do things by hand.
55541 When the management is too intrusive,
55542 users lose their spirit.
55544 Hack for the user's benefit.
55545 Trust them; leave them alone.
55547 When love is gone, there's always justice.
55548 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
55549 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
55553 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
55554 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
55556 When Marriage is Outlawed,
55557 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
55559 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
55562 When my brain begins to reel from my
55563 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
55566 When my fist clenches crack it open,
55567 Before I use it and lose my cool.
55568 When I smile tell me some bad news,
55569 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
55571 And if I swallow anything evil,
55572 Put you finger down my throat.
55573 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
55574 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
55576 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
55579 No one knows what its like to be hated,
55581 To telling only lies.
55582 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
55584 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
55585 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
55586 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
55587 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
55588 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
55589 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
55590 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
55591 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
55592 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
55593 most unlikely of situations.
55594 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
55596 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
55597 touched, the majority of men live content.
55598 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
55600 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
55602 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55605 When one knows women one pities men,
55606 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55609 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55610 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55612 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55613 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55615 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55617 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55618 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55619 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55620 a camera for professional photographers
55622 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55623 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55624 And Oxygen still had none
55625 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55626 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55627 Called because of rain.
55629 When people have trouble communicating,
55630 the least they can do is to shut up.
55633 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55635 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55637 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55638 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55639 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55641 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55642 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55643 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55644 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55645 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55646 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55647 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55648 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55650 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55651 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55652 is away and you get twice as much done.
55655 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55656 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55658 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55659 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55661 When some people discover the truth, they just
55662 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55664 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55665 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55666 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55667 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55668 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55669 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55671 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55672 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55673 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55675 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55676 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55677 We only want the world to know
55678 That we support the status quo;
55679 They love us everywhere we go,
55680 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55681 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55683 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55684 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55686 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55689 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55691 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55692 of asterisked sentences:
55694 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55695 And costs less than $1,300.**
55697 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55699 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55700 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55701 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55702 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55703 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55705 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55706 you really want to. Or less.
55709 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55712 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55715 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55718 When the candles are out all women are fair.
55721 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55723 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55724 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
55726 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55729 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55730 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55732 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
55735 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55738 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55740 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55742 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55743 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55745 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55746 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55748 When the Guru administers, the users
55749 are hardly aware that he exists.
55750 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55751 Next, one who is feared.
55752 And worst, one who is despised.
55754 If you don't trust the users,
55755 you make them untrustworthy.
55757 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55758 When his work is done,
55759 the users say, "Amazing:
55760 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55762 When the leaders speak of peace
55763 The common folk know
55765 When the leaders curse war
55766 The mobilization order is already written out.
55768 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55769 I go to the market where lies are bought
55771 I take my place among the sellers.
55772 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55774 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55775 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55776 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55777 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55779 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55782 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55783 -- Richard M. Nixon
55785 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55787 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55788 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55789 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55791 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55794 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55798 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55801 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55802 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55803 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55804 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55805 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55806 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55808 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55809 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55810 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55811 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55812 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55813 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55814 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55816 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55817 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55820 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55824 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55825 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55827 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55828 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55829 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55831 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55832 -- Honore de Balzac
55834 When things go well, expect something to
55835 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55837 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55838 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55839 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55840 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55841 -- George Bernard Shaw
55843 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55844 other user interfaces become ugly.
55845 When users see some programs as winners,
55846 other programs become lossage.
55848 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55849 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55850 Double and float cast to each other.
55851 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55852 While and until follow each other.
55855 programs without doing anything
55856 and teaches without saying anything.
55857 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
55858 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
55859 He has but doesn't possess,
55860 acts but doesn't expect.
55861 When his work is done, he deletes it.
55862 That is why it lasts forever.
55864 When we are planning for posterity,
55865 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
55868 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
55869 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
55870 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
55871 history of war have so few been led by so many.
55872 -- General James Gavin
55874 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
55876 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
55877 except our fingertips will have been singed.
55878 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55880 When we write programs that "learn",
55881 it turns out we do and they don't.
55883 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
55884 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
55886 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
55887 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
55889 -- Honore de Balzac
55891 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
55892 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
55894 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
55895 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
55896 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
55900 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
55901 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
55904 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
55906 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
55908 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
55909 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
55910 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
55911 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
55912 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
55913 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
55914 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
55915 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
55916 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
55917 from, to torture and unsettle us?
55918 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
55920 When you become used to never being alone,
55921 you may consider yourself Americanized.
55923 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
55925 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
55928 When you dig another out of trouble,
55929 you've got a place to bury your own.
55931 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
55933 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
55935 When you find yourself in danger,
55936 When you're threatened by a stranger,
55937 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
55939 There is one thing you should learn,
55940 When there is no one else to turn to,
55941 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
55942 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
55944 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
55945 And the world makes you King for a day,
55946 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
55947 And see what that guy has to say.
55948 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
55949 Who judgement upon you must pass.
55950 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
55951 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
55952 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
55953 For he's with you clear up to the end,
55954 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
55955 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
55956 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
55957 And think you're a wonderful guy,
55958 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
55959 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
55960 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
55961 And get pats on the back as you pass,
55962 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
55963 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
55964 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
55965 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
55966 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
55967 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
55969 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
55970 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
55973 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
55975 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
55978 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
55979 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
55980 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
55982 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
55983 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
55984 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
55985 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
55988 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
55989 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
55991 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
55992 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
55993 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55995 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
55996 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
55997 know the answer either.
55998 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
56000 When you live in a sick society,
56001 just about everything you do is wrong.
56003 When you make your mark in the world,
56004 watch out for guys with erasers.
56005 -- The Wall Street Journal
56007 When you meet a master swordsman,
56008 show him your sword.
56009 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
56010 do not show him your poem.
56011 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
56013 When you overesteem great hackers,
56014 more users become cretins.
56015 When you develop encryption,
56016 more users become crackers.
56019 by emptying user's minds
56020 and increasing their quotas,
56021 by weakening their ambition
56022 and toughening their resolve.
56023 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56024 management will not try to interfere.
56026 Practice not-looping,
56027 and everything will fall into place.
56029 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56030 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56031 -- Otto von Bismarck
56033 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56034 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56036 When you try to make an impression, the
56037 chances are that is the impression you will make.
56039 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56041 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56042 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56044 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56045 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56046 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56048 When your memory goes, forget it!
56050 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56054 You're a Yup all the way
56055 From your first slice of Brie
56056 To your last Cabernet.
56059 You're not just a dreamer
56060 You're making things happen
56061 You're driving a Beamer.
56063 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56064 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56065 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56066 I feel the same when you are near.
56067 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56069 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56070 -- David Pryce-Jones
56072 When you're dining out and you suspect
56073 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56075 When you're down and out, lift up your
56076 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56078 When you're in command, command.
56081 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56082 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56083 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56084 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56086 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56088 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56090 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56091 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56092 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56094 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56095 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56096 to become a parrot or something.
56097 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56099 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56102 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56103 to spend their weekends with?
56106 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56108 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
56109 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
56112 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56113 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56114 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56117 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56120 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56121 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56122 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56123 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56124 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56125 And he was always human when he talked;
56126 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56127 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56128 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56129 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56130 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56131 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56132 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56133 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56134 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56135 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56136 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56138 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56139 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56141 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56142 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56143 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56145 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56147 Whenever you find that you are on the
56148 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
56151 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56152 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56153 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56154 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56156 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56158 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
56159 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
56161 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56163 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56164 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56165 When it's converted to energy?
56166 There is a slight loss of parity.
56167 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56169 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56172 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56175 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56176 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56177 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56179 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56182 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56183 examine the laws of heat.
56184 -- Christopher Morley
56186 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56187 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56188 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56189 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56191 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56192 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56193 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56194 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56197 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56199 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56201 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56202 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56204 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56205 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
56207 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56209 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56211 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56213 Where will it all end?
56214 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56216 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56217 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56219 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56222 Where's the man could ease a heart
56224 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56226 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56227 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56230 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56231 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56232 Go on, do not rest.
56233 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56235 Whether you can hear it or not
56236 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56237 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56239 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56241 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56242 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56243 -- John Joseph Lynch
56245 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
56246 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
56248 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56249 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56250 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56251 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56252 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56253 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56254 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56257 While having never invented a sin,
56258 I'm trying to perfect several.
56260 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56261 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56262 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56263 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56264 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56265 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56266 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56268 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56269 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56270 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56272 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56273 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56275 And now I see with eye serene
56276 The very pulse of the machine.
56277 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56279 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56280 referring to software interrupts.]
56282 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56283 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56284 -- Edward Stevenson
56286 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
56287 lets you choose your own form of misery.
56289 While most peoples' opinions change,
56290 the conviction of their correctness never does.
56292 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56293 held a gun to his head.
56294 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56295 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56296 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56297 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56298 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56299 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56301 While there's life, there's hope.
56302 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56304 While walking down a crowded
56305 City street the other day,
56306 I heard a little urchin
56307 To a comrade turn and say,
56308 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56309 I'd be happy as a clam
56310 If only I was de feller dat
56311 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56313 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56314 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56315 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56316 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56317 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56318 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56319 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56320 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56321 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56323 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56326 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
56327 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
56329 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56330 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56332 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56333 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56334 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56336 Whip it, whip it good!
56339 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56341 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56343 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56345 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
56346 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
56347 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
56350 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56355 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56356 ...they might want to cut it out...
56358 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56359 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56363 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56366 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56367 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56369 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56372 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56373 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56374 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56376 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56379 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56382 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56386 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
56388 Who loves me will also love my dog.
56391 Who loves not wisely but too well
56392 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
56393 But he whose love is thin and wise
56394 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
56397 Who made the world I cannot tell;
56398 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
56399 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
56400 I never soiled with such a deed.
56403 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
56405 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
56407 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
56408 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
56410 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
56411 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
56413 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
56414 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
56417 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
56419 Who was that masked man?
56421 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
56423 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
56425 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
56426 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
56428 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56430 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
56433 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
56434 pure in heart can make a good soup.
56435 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
56437 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
56439 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
56442 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
56444 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
56446 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
56451 Who's scruffy-looking?
56454 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
56455 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
56457 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
56460 Why are programmers non-productive?
56461 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
56463 Why are programmers rebellious?
56464 Because the management interferes too much.
56466 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
56467 Because they are burnt out.
56469 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
56470 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
56472 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
56473 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
56476 Why are you so hard to ignore?
56478 Why are you watching
56479 The washing machine?
56480 I love entertainment
56481 So long as it's clean.
56483 Professor Doberman:
56484 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
56485 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
56486 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
56487 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
56488 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
56489 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
56490 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
56491 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
56492 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
56493 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
56496 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
56499 Why be a man when you can be a success?
56502 Why be difficult, when, with just a
56503 little more effort, you can be impossible?
56505 Why bother building anymore nuclear
56506 warheads until we use the ones we have?
56508 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
56510 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
56511 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
56513 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
56516 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
56517 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
56518 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
56521 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
56522 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
56524 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
56525 It's quite uncanny.
56527 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
56529 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
56531 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
56533 Why do we want intelligent terminals
56534 when there are so many stupid users?
56536 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
56539 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
56541 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
56542 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
56543 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56545 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
56548 New Jersey had first choice.
56550 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
56553 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
56555 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
56557 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
56558 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
56559 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
56560 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
56562 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56564 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
56565 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
56567 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
56571 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56573 I'd LOVE to, but...
56574 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
56575 -- None of my socks match.
56576 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
56577 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
56578 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
56579 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
56580 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
56581 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
56582 named Basil Metabolism.
56583 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
56584 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
56585 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
56586 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
56587 -- I feel a song coming on.
56589 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56591 I'd LOVE to, but...
56592 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
56593 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
56594 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
56595 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
56596 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
56597 -- My subconscious says no.
56598 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
56599 can't seem to put it down.
56600 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
56601 -- I have to study for my blood test.
56602 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
56603 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
56604 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
56606 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56608 I'd LOVE to, but...
56609 -- I have to floss my cat.
56610 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56611 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56612 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56613 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56614 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56615 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56616 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56617 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56618 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56620 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56622 I'd LOVE to, but...
56623 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56624 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56625 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56626 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56627 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56628 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56629 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56630 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56631 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56632 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56634 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56636 I'd LOVE to, but...
56637 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56638 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56639 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56640 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56641 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56642 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56643 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56644 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56645 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56646 -- My crayons all melted together.
56648 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56650 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56652 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56653 It is because we are not the person involved.
56656 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56659 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56662 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56663 way to prove how much she means to me?
56665 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56666 you knowing nothing?
56667 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56669 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56671 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56673 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56674 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56675 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56676 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56677 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56678 I can't think why not.
56679 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56680 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56682 Why not go out on a limb?
56683 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56685 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56686 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56687 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56689 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56691 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56692 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56694 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56695 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56696 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56698 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56700 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56702 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56703 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56705 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56706 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56708 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56711 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56712 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56713 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56714 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56715 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56716 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56717 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56718 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56719 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56720 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56721 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56722 eternity for his faithlessness.
56723 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56724 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56726 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56729 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56731 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56732 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56733 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56734 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56737 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56738 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56741 Government expands to absorb all
56742 available revenue and then some.
56745 A pat on the back is only a few
56746 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56748 Will Rogers never met you.
56750 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56751 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56753 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56754 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56757 Williams and Holland's Law:
56758 If enough data is collected,
56759 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56761 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56762 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56763 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56764 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56766 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56767 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56768 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56769 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56771 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56772 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56773 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56774 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
56775 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56777 Wilner's Observation:
56778 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56780 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56783 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56785 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56786 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56787 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56790 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56793 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56794 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56796 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56797 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56798 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56800 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56803 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56805 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56809 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56811 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56813 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56814 try to be a fraud and a half.
56815 -- Otto von Bismarck
56817 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56818 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56820 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56821 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56823 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56824 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56825 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56827 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56829 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56830 they make a law it's a joke.
56833 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56834 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56835 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56836 is no such thing as progress.
56839 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
56840 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
56843 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
56845 With reasonable men I will reason;
56846 with humane men I will plead;
56847 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
56848 -- William Lloyd Garrison
56850 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
56851 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
56852 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
56853 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
56855 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
56856 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
56858 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
56859 the city and forty on the highway."
56861 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
56862 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
56863 close. Like catching snakes.
56866 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
56868 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
56869 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
56870 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
56871 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
56872 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
56873 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
56874 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
56875 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
56876 White House's National Security Council, Washington
56877 Post, 21 March, 1982
56879 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
56880 -- Alfred North Whitehead
56882 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
56883 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
56884 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
56885 important to him than his table or his white robe.
56886 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
56888 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
56890 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
56892 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
56894 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
56895 without intelligence love is not enough.
56898 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
56901 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
56902 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
56903 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
56904 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
56906 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
56907 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
56908 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
56911 A man who knows all the ankles.
56913 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
56914 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
56916 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
56919 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
56920 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
56924 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
56925 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
56926 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56928 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
56929 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
56930 I shall be sober in the morning.
56932 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
56933 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
56934 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
56935 that he might love her.
56938 Woman would be more charming if one could
56939 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
56942 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
56945 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
56946 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
56947 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
56948 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
56949 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
56950 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
56951 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
56954 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
56955 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
56958 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
56959 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
56960 marriage certificates, and defy you.
56963 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
56964 from charity, or revenge?
56965 -- Gustave Vapereau
56967 Women are just like men, only different.
56969 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
56970 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
56973 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
56976 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
56979 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
56982 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
56985 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
56986 but it takes more of them to do it.
56988 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
56991 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
56992 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
56995 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
56996 as good as any other.
56997 -- Philippe De Remi
56999 Women give themselves to God when the
57000 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
57003 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
57004 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
57007 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
57008 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
57011 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
57012 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
57013 original earth clinging to the roots.
57016 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57017 than men who reason with the head.
57020 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57021 but never a man who misses one.
57022 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57024 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57025 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57028 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57029 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57030 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57033 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57034 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57035 -- Honore de Balzac
57037 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57038 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57039 -- Honore de Balzac
57041 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57042 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57043 -- Honore de Balzac
57045 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57047 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57048 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57049 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57052 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57054 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57055 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57057 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57058 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57059 Socrates, quoting Plato
57062 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57064 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57065 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57066 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57067 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57068 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57069 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57072 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57073 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57074 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57075 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57076 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57077 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57078 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57079 although their insurance rates went way up.
57080 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57083 A theory is better than its explanation.
57085 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57086 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57087 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57088 -- Cheers, Airport V
57090 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57091 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57092 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57095 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57096 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57098 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57099 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57100 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57102 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57103 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57104 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57106 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57107 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57108 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57110 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57111 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57112 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57114 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57115 swallowed the canary.
57116 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57117 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57119 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57120 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57121 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57123 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57124 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57125 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57127 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57128 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57129 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57131 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57132 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57133 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57135 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57137 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57138 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57139 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57141 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57142 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57143 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57145 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57146 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57147 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57149 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57150 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57151 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57153 Sam: How's life treating you?
57154 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57155 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57157 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57158 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57160 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57161 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57163 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57164 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57165 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57167 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57168 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57169 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57171 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57172 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57173 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57174 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57176 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57177 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57178 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57180 Words are the voice of the heart.
57182 Words can never express what words can never express.
57184 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57187 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57190 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57191 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57193 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57194 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57197 Work continues in this area.
57198 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57200 Work expands to fill the time available.
57201 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57203 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57204 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57206 -- Bertrand Russell
57208 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57211 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57214 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57215 a handshake, and have fun.
57216 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57217 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57219 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57220 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57221 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57222 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57223 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57226 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57228 Work without a vision is slavery,
57229 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57230 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57232 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
57235 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57237 -- Christopher Plummer
57239 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57240 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57241 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57242 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57243 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57244 error in the world."
57247 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57250 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57251 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57253 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57254 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57255 -- Steve Rubenstein
57257 Worst Month of the Year:
57258 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57259 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
57260 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57261 -- Steve Rubenstein
57263 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57264 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57265 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
57266 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
57268 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57269 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57270 -- Steve Rubenstein
57273 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57276 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57277 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57278 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57279 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57282 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57283 -- Princess Leia Organa
57285 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57288 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57290 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57293 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57295 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57297 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57299 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
57301 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
57302 trial testimony, 1947
57304 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57307 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57309 -- "Broadcast News"
57311 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57314 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57317 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57319 Write-protect tab, n.:
57320 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
57321 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
57322 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
57326 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57327 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57328 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57329 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57330 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57331 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57332 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57333 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57334 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57335 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57336 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57337 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57339 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57342 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57344 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57345 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57348 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57351 Writing software is more fun than working.
57355 "Wrong," said Renner.
57357 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57358 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57361 What You See Is What You Get.
57364 Accept any substitute.
57365 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57366 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57367 Form follows malfunction.
57368 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57369 The trailing edge of software technology.
57370 Armageddon never looked so good.
57371 Japan's secret weapon.
57372 You'll envy the dead.
57373 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57374 Let it get in YOUR way.
57375 The problem for your problem.
57376 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57377 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57378 Simplicity made complex.
57379 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57380 Flakey and built to stay that way.
57382 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
57386 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
57387 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
57388 Built to take on the world... and lose!
57389 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
57390 Power tools for Power Fools.
57391 Putting new limits on productivity.
57392 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
57393 Design by counterexample.
57394 A new level of software disintegration.
57395 No hardware is safe.
57397 Rationalization, not realization.
57398 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
57399 Gratuitous incompatibility.
57401 THE user interference management system.
57402 You can't argue with failure.
57403 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
57405 The environment of today... tomorrow!
57409 Something you can be ashamed of.
57410 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
57411 The first fully modular software disaster.
57412 Rome was destroyed in a day.
57413 Warn your friends about it.
57414 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
57415 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
57416 Don't wait for the movie.
57417 Never use it after a big meal.
57419 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
57420 It'll make your day.
57421 Don't get frustrated without it.
57422 Power tools for power losers.
57423 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
57424 Never had it. Never will.
57425 The software with no visible means of support.
57426 More than just a generation behind.
57428 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
57432 The ultimate bottleneck.
57433 Flawed beyond belief.
57434 The only thing you have to fear.
57435 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
57436 On autopilot to oblivion.
57437 The joke that kills.
57438 A disgrace you can be proud of.
57439 A mistake carried out to perfection.
57440 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
57441 To err is X windows.
57442 Ignorance is our most important resource.
57443 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
57444 Built to fall apart.
57445 Nullifying centuries of progress.
57446 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
57447 The last thing you need.
57448 The de facto substandard.
57450 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
57454 We will dump no core before its time.
57455 One good crash deserves another.
57456 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
57458 It didn't even look good on paper.
57459 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
57460 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
57461 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
57462 It could happen to you.
57463 The art of incompetence.
57464 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
57465 When uselessness just isn't enough.
57466 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
57467 When you can't afford to be right.
57468 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
57470 If it works, it isn't X windows.
57473 You'd better sit down.
57474 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
57475 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
57476 Live the nightmare.
57477 Our bugs run faster.
57478 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
57479 There ARE no rules.
57480 You'll wish we were kidding.
57481 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
57482 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
57483 There's got to be a better way.
57484 The next best thing to keypunching.
57485 Leave the thrashing to us.
57486 We wrote the book on core dumps.
57487 Even your dog won't like it.
57488 More than enough rope.
57489 Garbage at your fingertips.
57491 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
57494 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
57496 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
57498 XEROX never does anything original.
57501 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
57502 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
57503 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
57504 the managers would fly off.
57506 It costs a lot to build bad products.
57508 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
57509 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
57510 intermingle the two.
57512 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
57513 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
57514 of every airplane's weight.
57516 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
57517 and two-thirds of the problems.
57518 -- Norman Augustine
57521 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
57522 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
57523 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57526 The more one produces, the less one gets.
57528 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
57530 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
57532 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
57533 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
57534 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
57536 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
57537 unexpected should have been expected.
57539 A billion saved is a billion earned.
57540 -- Norman Augustine
57543 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
57544 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
57546 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
57547 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
57548 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
57549 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
57551 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
57553 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
57554 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
57555 as long as the official's who created it.
57557 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
57558 government workers than there are workers.
57560 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
57561 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
57562 -- Norman Augustine
57564 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
57567 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
57569 -- XML guru Chris Maden
57571 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
57572 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
57575 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
57576 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
57577 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
57578 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
57580 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
57581 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
57583 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
57584 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
57585 ten degradation accomplished.
57587 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
57588 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
57590 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
57591 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
57592 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
57593 -- Norman Augustine
57596 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
57598 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
57599 not selling advice.
57601 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
57602 currently estimated.
57604 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
57605 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
57606 costly action known to man.
57608 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
57609 or a new canvas to an artist.
57610 -- Norman Augustine
57613 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57614 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57616 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57618 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57620 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57621 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57622 hang on about half a decade.
57624 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57625 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57626 -- Norman Augustine
57629 The optimum committee has no members.
57631 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57632 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57634 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57636 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57637 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57640 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57641 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57642 the data authenticity.
57643 -- Norman Augustine
57646 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57647 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57648 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57649 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57651 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57652 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57654 The early bird gets the worm.
57655 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57657 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57658 the year -- in either direction.
57660 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57661 -- Norman Augustine
57663 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57665 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57666 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57667 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57668 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57669 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57670 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57672 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57673 rays and became a tangent ?
57675 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57676 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57678 Yea from the table of my memory
57679 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57682 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57683 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57684 operators together.
57687 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57689 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57691 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57692 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57694 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57695 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57699 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57700 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57702 Year Name James Bond Book
57703 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57704 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57705 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57706 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57707 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57708 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57709 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57710 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57711 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57712 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57713 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57714 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57715 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57716 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57717 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57718 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57719 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57720 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57721 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57722 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57725 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57728 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57730 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57732 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57735 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57736 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57739 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57740 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57741 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57742 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57743 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57744 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57745 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57747 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57749 -- George Michaelson
57751 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57752 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57753 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57756 Yesterday upon the stair
57757 I met a man who wasn't there.
57758 He wasn't there again today --
57759 I think he's from the CIA.
57761 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57762 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57763 I'm not respectable.
57764 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57766 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57770 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57771 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57774 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57775 hoping no one will notice.
57776 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57778 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57780 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57781 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57783 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57785 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57787 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57788 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57789 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57790 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57792 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57794 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57797 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57800 You are always busy.
57802 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57804 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57805 I demand that you log off immediately.
57807 You are as I am with You.
57809 You are capable of planning your future.
57811 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57813 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57815 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57816 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57818 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57820 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57822 You are false data.
57824 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57825 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57827 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57829 You are going to have a new love affair.
57840 But you're not all there.
57842 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
57844 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
57846 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
57848 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
57850 You are loved by the multitudes.
57851 Have you been to the clinic lately?
57853 You are magnetic in your bearing.
57855 You are never given a wish without also being given the
57856 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
57858 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
57860 You are not a fool just because you have done
57861 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
57863 You are not dead yet.
57864 But watch for further reports.
57866 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
57867 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
57868 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
57871 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
57872 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
57874 You are number 6! Who is number one?
57876 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
57877 "All your papers these days look the same;
57878 Those William's would be better unread --
57879 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
57881 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
57882 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
57883 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
57884 Made it pointless to think any more."
57886 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
57887 "And your hair has become very white;
57888 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
57889 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
57891 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
57892 "I feared it might injure the brain;
57893 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
57894 Why, I do it again and again."
57895 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57897 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
57898 That your lectures bore people to death.
57899 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
57900 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
57902 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
57903 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
57904 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57905 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
57907 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
57908 For anything tougher than suet;
57909 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
57910 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
57912 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
57913 And argued each case with my wife;
57914 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
57915 Has lasted the rest of my life."
57916 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57918 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
57919 And there isn't one language you like;
57920 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
57921 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
57923 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
57924 "Every language looks equally bad;
57925 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
57926 And don't realize that they've been had."
57928 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57929 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
57930 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
57931 Pray what is the reason of that?"
57933 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
57934 "I kept all my limbs very supple
57935 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
57936 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
57937 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57939 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57940 And make errors few people could bear;
57941 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
57942 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
57944 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
57945 "But my stature these days is so great
57946 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
57947 And to stop me it's now far too late."
57949 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
57950 That your eye was as steady as ever;
57951 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
57952 What made you so awfully clever?"
57954 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
57955 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
57956 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57957 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
57958 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57960 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
57962 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
57963 Therefore you have few friends.
57965 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
57966 I like that in a person.
57968 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
57970 You are standing on my toes.
57972 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
57974 You are the only person to ever get this message.
57976 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
57977 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
57978 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
57979 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
57980 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
57981 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
57982 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
57983 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
57984 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
57985 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
57986 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
57987 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
57988 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
57989 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
57991 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
57992 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
57993 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
57995 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
57996 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
57998 You ask what a nice girl will do?
57999 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
58000 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
58002 You attempt things that you do not even plan
58003 because of your extreme stupidity.
58007 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
58009 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
58010 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
58011 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
58012 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
58013 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
58014 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
58015 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58016 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58017 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58019 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58022 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58024 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58025 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58026 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58027 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58028 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58029 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58030 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58032 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58033 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58035 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58037 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58038 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58040 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58041 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58042 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
58044 You can be replaced by this computer.
58046 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58047 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58049 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58050 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58051 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58053 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58054 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58055 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58056 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58059 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58062 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58063 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58064 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58065 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58066 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58067 -- The Palindromist
58069 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58070 Blackmail a senior executive.
58072 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58075 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58076 Why do you find that funny?
58077 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58079 You can do very well in speculation where
58080 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58082 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58084 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58085 and the budget is big enough.
58086 -- Joseph E. Levine
58088 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58089 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58091 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58092 and all of the people some of the time,
58093 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58095 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58096 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58098 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58100 You can get everything in life you want,
58101 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58103 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58104 can with just a kind word.
58107 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58108 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58110 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58112 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58114 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58116 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58117 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58119 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58120 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58122 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58123 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58126 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58127 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58130 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58131 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58135 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58136 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58139 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58142 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58144 -- Franklin P. Jones
58146 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58148 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58149 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58152 You can move the world with an idea,
58153 but you have to think of it first.
58155 You can never do just one thing.
58158 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58160 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58161 -- Jeannette Rankin
58163 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58164 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58166 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58167 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58169 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58170 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58172 You can now buy more gates with less
58173 specifications than at any other time in history.
58176 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58179 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58181 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58183 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58184 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58185 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58188 You can tell how far we have to go,
58189 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
58192 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58195 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58197 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58198 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
58199 University of Washington
58201 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58202 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58204 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58206 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58207 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58210 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58213 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58215 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58217 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58220 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58223 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58225 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58227 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58229 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58230 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58233 You can't cheat the phone company.
58235 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58237 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58238 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
58240 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58243 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58246 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58247 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58248 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58249 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58250 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58252 You can't fall off the floor.
58254 You can't get there from here.
58256 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58258 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58261 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58264 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58265 -- Booker T. Washington
58267 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58269 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58271 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58272 only sooner than she thought you would.
58274 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58275 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58276 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58278 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58280 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58282 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58283 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58285 You can't push on a string.
58287 You can't run away forever,
58288 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58289 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58291 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58295 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58296 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58299 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58300 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58303 You can't take damsel here now.
58305 You can't take it with you --
58306 especially when crossing a state line.
58308 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58309 either they have it, or they don't.
58310 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58312 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58313 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58314 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58316 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
58317 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
58319 You could live a better life, if you
58320 had a better mind and a better body.
58322 You couldn't even prove the White House
58323 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
58324 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58326 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58330 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58332 You do not have mail.
58334 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58336 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58337 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58338 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58340 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58343 You don't have to know how the computer
58344 works, just how to work the computer.
58346 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58349 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58352 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
58353 reason to eat with knitting needles.
58354 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58356 You enjoy the company of other people.
58358 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58359 now than you did when you used to.
58361 You fill a much-needed gap.
58363 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58364 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58365 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58366 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58367 names. Here's the complete text:
58369 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58370 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58371 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58372 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58373 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58374 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58375 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58376 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58378 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58379 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58381 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58383 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58384 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58385 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^
\but"
58387 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
58389 You get what you pay for.
58392 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
58393 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
58394 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
58396 You go down to the pickup station,
58397 craving warmth and beauty;
58398 You settle for less than fascination --
58399 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
58400 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
58401 on this strange new flesh you've found --
58402 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
58403 you hurry to the blackness
58404 and the blankets to lay down an impression
58405 and your loneliness.
58408 You got to be very careful if you don't know
58409 where you're going, because you might not get there.
58412 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
58413 And you know it don't come easy ...
58414 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
58415 And you know it don't come easy ...
58417 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
58419 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
58421 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
58424 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
58426 You had some happiness once,
58427 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
58429 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
58431 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
58433 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
58435 You have a message from the operator.
58437 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
58438 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
58440 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
58442 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
58444 You have a strong desire for a home
58445 and your family interests come first.
58447 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
58449 You have a truly strong individuality.
58451 You have a will that can be influenced
58452 by all with whom you come in contact.
58454 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
58456 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
58458 You are permanently confused.
58461 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
58464 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
58465 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
58468 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
58470 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
58472 You have an unusual equipment for success.
58473 Be sure to use it properly.
58475 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
58476 metal objects which are not fastened down.
58478 You have an unusual understanding of
58479 the problems of human relationships.
58481 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
58482 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
58484 You have been selected for a secret mission.
58486 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
58488 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
58490 You have junk mail.
58492 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
58496 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
58498 You have no real enemies.
58500 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
58501 -- John Viscount Morley
58503 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
58504 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
58506 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
58509 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
58510 You'll learn a lot today.
58512 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
58514 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
58515 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
58517 "Through the Looking-Glass,
58518 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
58520 You humans are all alike.
58522 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
58523 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
58524 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
58526 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
58529 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
58530 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
58532 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
58535 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
58536 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
58537 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
58539 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
58542 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
58543 you people are all going to owe me big.
58546 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
58547 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
58549 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
58550 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
58553 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
58556 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
58557 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
58558 You play around you lose your wife,
58559 You play too long, you lose your life.
58560 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
58561 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
58563 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
58565 -- W. Somerset Maugham
58567 You know, the difference between this company and
58568 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
58570 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
58571 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
58572 you can always change the channel.
58575 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
58576 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
58577 -- Richard M. Nixon
58579 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
58580 and I had my hands about it.
58581 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
58583 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
58587 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
58588 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
58589 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
58590 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
58591 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
58593 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
58596 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
58597 -- S. Rickly Christian
58599 You know your apartment is small...
58600 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
58601 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
58602 you have to go outside to change your mind.
58603 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
58605 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
58606 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
58608 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
58609 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
58610 mother is allowed to take.
58612 You know you're in a small town when...
58613 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
58614 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
58615 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
58616 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58617 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58618 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58619 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58621 You know you're in trouble when...
58622 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58623 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58624 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58626 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58627 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58628 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58629 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58631 You know you're in trouble when...
58632 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58633 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58634 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58635 and there aren't any.
58636 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58637 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58638 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58639 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58641 You know you're in trouble when...
58642 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58644 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58645 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58646 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58647 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58648 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58649 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58650 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58652 You know you're in trouble when...
58653 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58654 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58655 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58656 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58657 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58658 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58659 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58660 after you bought a waterbed.
58661 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58662 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58665 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58666 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58667 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58668 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58670 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58671 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58673 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58675 You learn to write as if to someone else
58676 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58678 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58680 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58681 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58682 -- Remington Steele
58684 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58690 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58692 You may already be a loser.
58693 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58695 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58696 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58698 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58699 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58701 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58703 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58704 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58707 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58708 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58711 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58712 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58713 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58715 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58719 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58721 You may have heard that a dean is
58722 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58725 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58726 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58727 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58729 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58730 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58732 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58735 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58736 making lots of little phone companies?
58738 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58739 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58740 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58741 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58742 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58744 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58745 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58746 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58747 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58749 You might have mail.
58751 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58752 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58753 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58756 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58757 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58759 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58760 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58761 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58762 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58763 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58764 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58765 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58766 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58767 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58769 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58770 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58771 are merely deputies of that one.
58774 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58775 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58777 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58779 You need no longer worry about the future.
58780 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58782 You need not worry about your future.
58784 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58785 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58786 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58788 -- Charles A. Beard
58790 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58793 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58795 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58797 You never have to change anything you
58798 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58801 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58803 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58806 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58809 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58811 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58812 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58813 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58814 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58815 guys were getting stoned!
58818 You now have Asian Flu.
58820 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58821 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58822 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58824 -- J. Wellington Wells
58826 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58828 You plan things that you do not even
58829 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58831 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58833 You prefer the company of the opposite
58834 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58836 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58837 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
58840 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
58842 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
58843 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
58851 Let's go be the Vice President...
58853 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
58855 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
58856 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
58857 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
58858 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
58859 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
58860 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
58861 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
58862 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
58863 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
58864 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
58865 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
58866 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
58870 You see things; and you say "Why?"
58871 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
58872 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
58873 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
58875 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
58876 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
58877 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
58878 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
58880 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
58882 You seek to shield those you love
58883 and you like the role of the provider.
58885 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
58887 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
58890 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
58892 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
58895 You should go home.
58897 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
58898 incest and folk-dancing.
58899 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
58901 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
58903 -- Ernest Rutherford
58905 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
58906 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
58907 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
58909 You should never wear your best trousers
58910 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
58913 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
58914 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
58915 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
58916 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
58917 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
58918 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
58919 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
58920 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58922 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
58923 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
58924 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
58925 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
58926 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
58927 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
58928 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
58929 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
58930 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
58931 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
58933 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
58935 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
58937 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
58938 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
58939 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
58941 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
58942 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
58944 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
58945 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
58948 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
58950 You teach best what you most need to learn.
58952 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
58954 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
58956 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
58957 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
58958 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
58960 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
58961 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
58962 make really big Zorkmids."
58964 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
58965 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
58967 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
58969 You too can wear a nose mitten.
58971 You tread upon my patience.
58972 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
58974 You two ought to be more careful--
58975 your love could drag on for years and years.
58977 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
58978 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
58981 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
58983 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
58985 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
58987 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
58989 You will be advanced socially,
58990 without any special effort on your part.
58992 You will be aided greatly by a person
58993 whom you thought to be unimportant.
58995 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
58996 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
58998 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
59000 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
59002 You will be awarded some great honor.
59004 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
59006 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
59008 You will be dead within a year.
59010 You will be divorced within a year.
59012 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
59014 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59016 You will be honored for contributing
59017 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59019 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59020 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59022 You will be married within a year.
59024 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59026 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59028 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59030 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59032 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59034 You will be run over by a bus.
59036 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59038 You will be successful in love.
59040 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59042 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59044 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59046 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59048 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59050 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59052 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59054 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59056 You will contract a rare disease.
59058 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59060 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59062 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59064 You will find me drinking gin
59065 In the lowest kind of inn,
59066 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59067 -- G. K. Chesterton
59069 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59071 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59073 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59075 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59077 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59079 You will get what you deserve.
59081 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59083 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59085 You will have a long and boring life.
59087 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59089 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59091 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59093 You will have long and healthy life.
59095 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59097 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59099 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59101 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59103 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59105 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59107 You will lose an important disk file.
59109 You will lose an important tape file.
59111 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59112 mayonnaise salesman.
59114 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59116 You will never amount to much.
59117 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59119 You will never know hunger.
59121 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59123 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59125 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59127 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59129 You will pass away very quickly.
59131 You will pay for your sins.
59132 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59134 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59136 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59138 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59140 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59142 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59144 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59145 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59146 the butter upon a hot day.
59149 You will soon forget this.
59151 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59153 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59155 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59156 but only because your brakes are defective.
59158 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59160 You will triumph over your enemy.
59162 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59164 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59166 You will wish you hadn't.
59168 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59171 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59173 You worry too much about your job.
59174 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59176 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59177 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59178 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59179 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59180 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59181 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59182 yourself in this way."
59183 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59185 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59187 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59188 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59189 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59191 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59192 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59196 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59197 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59199 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59202 What you always were,
59203 Which has nothing to do with,
59204 All to do, with her.
59207 You'll be called to a post requiring
59208 ability in handling groups of people.
59212 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59213 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59215 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59217 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59219 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59220 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59222 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59223 hard things when they were easier to do.
59225 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59226 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59227 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59228 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59229 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59230 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59231 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59232 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59233 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59234 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59235 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59236 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59237 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59238 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59239 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59240 the defects of both.
59241 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59243 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59244 old men hearkened when he was young.
59247 Young men think old men are fools;
59248 but old men know young men are fools.
59251 Your aim is high and to the right.
59253 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59255 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
59256 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
59258 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59259 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59261 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59263 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59265 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59267 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59269 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59271 Your code should be more efficient!
59273 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59275 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59277 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59280 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59281 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59282 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59283 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59284 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59285 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59286 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59287 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59288 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59289 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59290 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59291 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59292 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59293 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59294 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59295 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59296 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59297 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59299 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59301 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59303 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59304 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59305 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59306 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59307 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59308 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59309 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59310 seconds if we felt like it.
59311 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59313 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59315 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59317 Your fault - core dumped
59319 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59322 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59327 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59328 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59329 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59330 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59331 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59333 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59334 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59335 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59336 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59337 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59342 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59343 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
59344 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59345 and you will live all the days of your life.
59347 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59348 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59349 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59350 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59351 miss two car payments.
59353 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59354 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59355 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59356 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59357 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59363 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59364 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59365 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59366 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59367 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59369 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59370 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59371 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59372 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59375 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59376 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59377 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59378 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59379 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59380 than people who work standing up.
59382 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59383 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59384 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59386 Your goose is cooked.
59387 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
59389 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
59391 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
59393 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
59395 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
59397 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
59399 Your love life will be... interesting.
59401 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
59403 Your lucky color has faded.
59405 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
59407 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
59408 Watch for it everywhere.
59410 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
59411 original and the part that is original is not good.
59414 Your mind is the part of you that says,
59415 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
59416 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
59417 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
59418 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
59420 Your mind understands what you have been
59421 taught; your heart, what is true.
59423 Your mode of life will be changed for
59424 the better because of good news soon.
59426 Your mode of life will be changed for
59427 the better because of new developments.
59429 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
59431 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
59433 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
59434 Face like ice, a little bit colder
59435 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
59436 You learned in school"
59437 But I don't really see
59438 Why can't we go on as three?
59439 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
59441 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
59442 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
59444 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
59446 Your object is to save the world,
59447 while still leading a pleasant life.
59449 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
59450 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
59451 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
59452 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
59453 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
59455 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
59457 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
59459 Your password is pitifully obvious.
59461 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
59463 Your present plans will be successful.
59465 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
59467 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
59469 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
59470 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
59471 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
59472 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
59474 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
59476 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
59478 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
59480 Your step will soil many countries.
59482 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
59484 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
59486 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
59487 be relieved in a surprising manner.
59489 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
59491 Your wig steers the gig.
59494 Your wise men don't know how it feels
59495 To be thick as a brick.
59496 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
59498 Your worship is your furnaces
59499 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
59500 have molten bowels; your vision is
59501 machines for making more machines.
59502 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
59504 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
59506 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
59507 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
59509 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
59510 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
59512 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
59513 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
59515 You're all clear now, kid.
59516 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
59519 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
59521 You're already carrying the sphere!
59523 You're always thinking you're gonna be
59524 the one that makes 'em act different.
59525 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
59527 You're at the end of the road again.
59529 You're at Witt's End.
59531 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
59533 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
59535 You're definitely on their list.
59536 The question to ask next is what list it is.
59538 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
59539 -- Eldridge Cleaver
59541 You're growing out of some of your problems,
59542 but there are others that you're growing into.
59544 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
59545 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
59548 You're never too old to become younger.
59551 You're not Dave. Who are you?
59553 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59556 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
59558 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
59559 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
59561 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
59563 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
59565 You're working under a slight handicap.
59566 You happen to be human.
59568 Yours is not to reason why,
59570 And when you find you have to throw
59572 Remember life as was it is,
59574 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
59575 'Till silence is but a blur.
59578 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
59580 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
59581 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
59582 -- Robert F. Kennedy
59584 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
59586 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
59587 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
59589 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
59590 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
59592 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
59593 -- George Bernard Shaw
59595 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
59597 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
59598 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
59600 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
59603 You've been Berkeley'ed!
59605 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
59607 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
59608 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
59609 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
59611 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
59612 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
59613 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
59614 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
59616 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
59617 if only you could get a good picture of it.
59619 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
59620 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
59622 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59625 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59627 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59629 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
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59632 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59633 (see also Computer).
59636 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59638 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59642 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59645 The result of shutting down a production line.
59647 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59648 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59650 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59653 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59655 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
59656 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
59657 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59659 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59660 People are always available for work in the past tense.