4 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
6 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
7 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
8 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
9 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
10 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
11 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
12 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
13 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
18 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
19 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
22 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
23 I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
26 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
27 I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
28 On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
29 And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
31 I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
32 I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
33 I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
34 And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
36 I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
37 Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
38 I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
39 Just like my dear Pappa.
46 Thanks for last night.
48 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
51 Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
52 I'm not half the man I used to be.
53 Oh, how did I get leprosy?
55 Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
56 Now it even hurts to take a piss.
57 Oh why did I get syphilis?
59 Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
60 I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
61 -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
63 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
64 Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
65 Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
66 Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
67 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
69 Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
70 Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
71 Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
72 These are a few of my favorite drugs.
74 Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
75 Users of heroin, often called junkies
76 Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
77 Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
82 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
83 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
85 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
86 "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
87 short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
88 promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
92 Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
94 What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
96 Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
97 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
98 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
99 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
101 But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
102 And am I not the master of my own?
105 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
106 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
107 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
109 Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
112 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
113 those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
114 and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
115 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
116 they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
117 people go to the front of the bus."
118 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
119 deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
120 yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
121 unto a snowball in Hell."
122 -- "The Begatting of a President"
124 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
125 over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
127 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
129 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
130 of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
131 drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
132 probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
133 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
134 says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
135 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
136 "Is she with her lover?"
137 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
138 that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
139 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
140 say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
141 to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
142 two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
143 the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
144 The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
145 silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
146 to the phone and says "It's done."
147 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
148 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
149 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
151 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
152 This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
153 them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
154 following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
155 he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
156 the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
157 see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
158 Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
159 At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
160 he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
161 Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
162 his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
163 brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
164 down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
165 right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
167 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
168 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
169 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
170 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
171 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
172 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
173 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
174 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
175 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
176 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
178 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
179 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
180 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
181 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
182 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
183 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
185 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
186 for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
188 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
189 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
190 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
192 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
193 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
195 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
196 Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
197 answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
199 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
200 you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
202 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
203 from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
204 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
205 you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
206 him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
207 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
208 are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
209 gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
210 the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
212 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
213 on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
214 scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
215 pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
216 finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
217 of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
218 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
219 this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
220 what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
221 you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
223 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
224 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
225 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
226 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
227 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
228 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
229 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
230 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
231 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
232 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
233 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
234 only blurt out, "What happened?"
235 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
236 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
237 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
238 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
239 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
240 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
242 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
243 in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
244 and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
245 conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
246 go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
247 seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
248 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
249 "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
250 He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
251 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
252 hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
253 goodbye, and runs out the front door.
254 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
256 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
257 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
258 to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
259 had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
260 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
261 You've been bowling again!"
263 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
264 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
265 brother and inquires after his pet.
266 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
267 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
268 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
269 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
270 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
271 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
272 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
273 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
275 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
278 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
279 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
280 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
281 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
282 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
283 dog's stuck in its throat."
285 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
286 "Hi, honey, I'm home."
287 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
288 on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
289 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
291 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
292 stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
293 from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
294 doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
295 girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
296 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
297 was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
298 the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
299 complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
301 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
302 out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
303 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
304 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
305 valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
307 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
308 "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
310 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
311 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
312 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
313 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
314 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
315 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
316 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
317 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
318 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
320 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
321 bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
322 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
323 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
324 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
325 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
327 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
328 NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
329 in your family like pussy?"
330 "Yeah. Me and my sister."
332 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
333 Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
334 down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
335 and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
336 is eight-year-old Scotch."
337 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
338 pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
339 most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
340 had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
342 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
343 conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
344 The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
345 the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
347 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
348 up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
350 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
351 struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
352 worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
353 Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
354 pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
355 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
356 walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
357 Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
358 after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
359 in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
361 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
362 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
363 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
365 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
366 flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
367 large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
368 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
369 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
370 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
371 asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
373 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
374 hung than *anybody*."
375 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
376 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
377 all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
378 "Running Bear Sheldon."
380 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
381 He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
382 gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
383 were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
384 what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
385 "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
386 a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
387 ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
388 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
389 clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
390 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
391 hasn't been your day, has it?"
393 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
394 particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
395 man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
396 fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
397 felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
398 the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
399 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
400 quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
401 "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
402 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
403 like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
405 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
406 while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
407 was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
408 Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
409 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
410 that he had ever eaten.
411 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
413 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
414 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
415 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
416 "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
417 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
419 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
420 asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
421 symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
422 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
423 "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
424 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
425 girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
426 turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
427 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
429 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
430 silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
431 staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
433 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
434 like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
435 another one was going to show up."
437 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
438 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
439 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
440 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
441 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
443 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
444 car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
445 and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
446 Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
447 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
448 decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
449 driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
450 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
451 aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
452 at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
453 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
454 like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
456 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
457 some good news and some bad news."
458 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
459 She replied, "You're not sterile."
461 A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
462 consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
463 sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
464 for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
465 and lustful pursuits.
466 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
467 if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
468 then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
469 is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
470 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
471 a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
472 affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
473 is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
474 is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
475 his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
477 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
478 for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
479 qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
480 white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
481 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
482 that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
483 him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
484 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
485 your dog, here, talk!"
486 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
487 heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
488 good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
489 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
490 "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
491 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
492 heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
493 the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
494 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
495 final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
496 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
498 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
499 asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
500 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
501 work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
502 should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
503 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
504 "You get laid today, Billy?"
507 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
509 A month later: "You get laid today?"
512 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
514 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
515 Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
516 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
517 miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
518 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
519 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
520 Life in the Universe"
522 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
523 to die, would you remarry?"
524 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
525 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
526 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
527 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
528 "Well, would you live in this house?"
529 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
530 I've always loved it here."
531 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
536 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
537 They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
538 love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
539 to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
540 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
543 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
544 whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
546 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
548 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
549 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
550 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
551 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
553 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
554 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
555 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
558 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
559 number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
560 was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
561 vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
562 expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
563 Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
564 NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
565 is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
566 TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
567 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
568 Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
569 to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
570 their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
571 running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
572 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
573 Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
574 drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
575 always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
576 if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
577 -- Hunter S. Thompson
579 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
580 officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
581 house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
583 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
584 Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
585 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
586 which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
587 After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
588 a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
590 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
591 new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
593 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
594 "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
596 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
597 city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
598 arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
599 the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
600 testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
601 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
602 Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
603 served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
604 much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
605 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
607 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
608 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
609 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
610 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
611 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
612 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
614 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
615 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
616 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
617 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
618 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
619 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
621 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
622 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
623 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
624 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
627 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
628 man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
630 "My name is Mary," said the woman.
631 "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
632 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
635 "Your reason for going there?"
636 "To pay our taxes to the government."
637 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
638 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
641 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
642 remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
643 "I have a dead pussy."
644 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
645 "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
647 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
648 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
649 ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
650 very selfhood revealed."
651 And Jesus replied, "What?"
653 "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
654 as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and
655 smiled at her companion.
656 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
658 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
659 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
661 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
662 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
663 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
666 "Are pirates an ethnic group? Or are they just people who burn
668 "Arrrr! We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
670 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
671 Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
672 an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
673 rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
674 a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
675 all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
677 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
678 sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
679 the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
680 muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
681 "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
682 of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
683 using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
684 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
685 immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
686 textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
687 limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
689 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
690 to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
691 if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
693 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
695 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
697 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
698 He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
699 path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
700 sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
701 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
703 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
704 got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
705 you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
706 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
708 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
709 his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
710 executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
711 loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
712 pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he
713 was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
714 "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
715 finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
716 lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
717 was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
718 regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
719 he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
720 following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
721 to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely
722 muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
723 a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
725 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
726 Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
727 the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
728 one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
729 have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
730 was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
731 "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
732 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
733 squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
734 headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
735 Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
736 Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
738 Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
739 Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
740 Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
741 Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
743 Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
746 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
747 Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
748 subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
749 sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
750 treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
751 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
752 blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
753 Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
754 see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
755 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
756 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
758 "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance,
759 "I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
760 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
762 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
764 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
765 friend asked him how it went.
766 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
767 night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
768 times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
769 last night, nothing!"
770 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
771 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
773 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
776 "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
779 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
780 the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
781 Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
782 upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
783 wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
784 had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
785 and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
786 stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
787 you staring at, homo?"
788 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
790 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
791 particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
792 a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
793 said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
794 himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
795 your ass, you ugly cunt."
796 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
798 "Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
799 studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
800 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
801 captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
805 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
806 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
807 something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
808 the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
809 `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
810 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
812 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
813 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
815 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
816 We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
817 "But this is different," protested her husband.
818 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
819 Now tell me what our problem is."
820 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
823 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
825 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
826 I've always been especially fond of married women."
828 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
829 to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
830 quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
831 had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
832 now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
833 in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
834 the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
835 she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
836 response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
837 ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
838 and you... uh... don't have all the..."
839 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
841 "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
842 "Who else?" answered the patient.
844 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
845 pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
846 sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
847 more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
848 on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
849 out of the car. "Run for your life!"
851 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
852 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
853 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
855 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
856 at mine, over there."
858 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
859 husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
860 she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
862 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
863 blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
864 while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
865 to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
866 pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
867 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
868 stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
869 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
870 protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
871 tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
872 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
873 tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
874 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
875 by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
876 and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
878 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
879 and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
880 than fried chicken, is it?"
881 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
882 "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
883 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
884 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
885 ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
886 can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
887 finest I've ever had."
888 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
890 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
891 those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
892 needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
893 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at
894 the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
895 No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
896 ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
897 contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
898 should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
899 the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
900 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
901 The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
902 of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
903 not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
906 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
907 a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
908 baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
909 ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
910 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
911 which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
912 you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
914 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
915 obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
916 floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
917 girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
918 of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
920 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
921 all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
922 girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
923 about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
924 as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
925 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
926 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
929 Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
930 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
931 only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
932 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
933 only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
934 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
935 could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
937 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
938 said the guy aggressively.
939 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
940 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
943 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
945 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
946 "Oh, no, you're not."
947 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
948 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
950 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
951 vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
952 affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
953 few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
954 short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
955 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
956 he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
957 and the baby would have my name!"
958 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
959 we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
960 better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
962 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
963 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
964 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
965 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
966 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
967 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
968 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
969 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
970 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
971 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
972 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
973 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
974 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
975 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
977 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
979 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
980 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
981 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
983 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
984 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
986 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
987 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
988 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
989 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
990 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
991 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
993 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
994 matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
995 pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
997 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
998 agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
999 lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
1000 though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
1001 innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
1002 were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
1003 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
1005 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1006 differences once and for all.
1007 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
1008 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
1010 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
1011 Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
1012 story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
1013 roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
1015 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
1016 maybe, but not in the House."
1018 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
1019 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
1020 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
1021 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
1022 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
1023 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
1024 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
1025 right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
1026 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
1027 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
1028 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
1030 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
1031 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
1033 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
1034 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
1035 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
1036 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
1037 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
1038 the gun on himself!"
1039 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
1040 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
1042 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
1045 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
1046 proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
1047 and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
1048 to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
1049 nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
1050 All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
1051 she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
1052 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
1053 in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
1054 surprise," smiled the bride.
1055 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
1056 leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
1057 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
1058 Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
1060 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
1061 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
1063 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
1064 "How would that help?"
1067 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
1068 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
1069 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
1070 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
1071 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
1072 "Oh, it's not dead then."
1073 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
1074 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
1076 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
1077 to a dead cat, do you?"
1080 "Hello, Police Department."
1081 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
1082 molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
1083 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
1084 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
1085 on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
1086 Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
1087 I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
1088 held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
1089 couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
1090 pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
1091 erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
1092 throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
1093 Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
1094 my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
1095 say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
1096 know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
1097 "What's the matter, mister?"
1098 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
1100 "How'd you get that flat?"
1101 "Ran over a bottle."
1102 "Didn't you see it?"
1103 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
1105 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
1106 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
1107 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
1108 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
1110 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
1111 society. Society made me what I am today!"
1112 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
1114 "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
1115 "You're going to be okay..."
1120 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
1121 the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
1122 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
1123 take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
1124 camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
1125 the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
1126 the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
1127 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
1128 like twenty more gallons of water.
1129 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
1130 man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
1131 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
1134 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
1135 "Oh, how can you tell?"
1136 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
1139 "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
1140 bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
1141 and stuck it in my back."
1143 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
1145 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
1146 "What'll you have, Bud"?
1147 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
1148 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
1149 -- Rodney Dangerfield
1151 "I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
1152 "Not my remains, Al!"
1153 "Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
1154 -- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
1156 "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
1157 business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
1158 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
1159 out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
1160 always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
1161 down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
1162 side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
1163 aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
1164 tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
1165 gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
1167 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
1168 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
1170 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
1172 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
1175 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
1176 can see what we have done."
1177 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
1178 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
1179 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
1180 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
1181 "Certainly," said man.
1182 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
1184 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
1186 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
1187 without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
1188 they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
1191 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
1192 "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
1193 the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
1194 container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
1195 before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
1196 the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
1197 and none may abide by its strength."
1199 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
1200 Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
1201 it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
1202 the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
1203 growth of the Laboratories."
1205 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
1208 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
1209 In the evening, floating in the soup.
1211 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
1212 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
1213 You can ask them anything you want to.
1214 They won't answer; they can't talk.
1216 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
1217 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
1219 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
1220 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
1222 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
1223 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
1229 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
1230 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
1231 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
1232 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
1233 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
1234 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
1235 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
1236 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
1237 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
1238 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
1239 than a citizen bless their country?"
1241 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
1242 they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
1243 One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
1244 them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
1245 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
1246 thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
1247 Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
1248 brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
1250 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
1251 in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
1252 Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
1253 said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
1254 life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
1255 Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
1256 Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
1257 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
1259 It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
1260 romantic haze. "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
1261 It's all like a wonderful dream!"
1262 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
1263 and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
1264 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
1265 sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
1267 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
1270 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
1271 American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
1272 sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
1273 ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
1274 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
1275 country there's only one."
1276 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
1278 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
1279 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
1281 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
1283 "You really want to know?"
1285 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
1286 Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
1288 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
1289 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
1290 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
1291 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
1292 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
1293 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
1294 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
1295 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
1296 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
1297 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
1298 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
1299 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
1300 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
1301 the dining room skylight."
1303 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
1304 seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
1305 with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
1306 it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
1307 again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
1308 suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
1309 life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
1310 become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
1311 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
1312 some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
1313 The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
1314 male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
1315 the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
1316 male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
1317 Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
1318 on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
1319 a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
1320 matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
1321 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
1322 has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
1323 why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
1324 to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
1325 occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
1327 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
1328 mirror, admiring her breasts.
1329 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
1330 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
1331 twenty-five-year-old."
1332 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
1334 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
1336 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
1337 barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
1338 "Not in California."
1340 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
1341 a girl should not do before twenty."
1342 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
1345 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
1346 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
1347 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
1348 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
1349 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
1350 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
1351 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
1353 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
1354 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
1355 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
1356 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
1357 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
1358 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
1359 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
1360 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
1362 "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
1363 "Why do you think I CAME here?"
1364 "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
1366 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
1367 people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
1368 times a job applicant has had the clap.
1369 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
1370 by a professional liar?
1371 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
1372 did the applicant go to TCU?
1373 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
1374 have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
1375 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1377 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
1378 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
1379 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
1380 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
1381 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
1383 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
1384 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
1385 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
1387 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
1388 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
1390 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
1391 bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
1392 court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
1393 that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
1394 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
1395 women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
1396 played appropriate music.
1397 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
1398 He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
1399 rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
1400 multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
1401 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
1402 King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
1403 his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
1404 but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
1405 The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
1406 banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
1408 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
1409 and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
1410 turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
1411 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
1412 one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
1413 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
1414 way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
1416 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
1417 seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
1418 and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
1419 bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
1420 flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
1421 soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
1422 her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
1423 He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
1424 connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
1425 Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
1426 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
1427 his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
1428 discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
1429 various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
1430 all of its field strength.
1431 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.
1432 With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
1433 so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
1434 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
1436 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
1437 visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
1438 up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
1439 say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
1440 kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
1441 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
1442 the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
1443 he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
1444 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
1445 "Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
1446 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
1449 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
1450 HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
1451 there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
1452 made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
1453 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
1454 which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
1455 squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
1457 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
1459 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
1460 sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
1461 of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
1462 worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
1463 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
1464 instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
1465 the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
1466 into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
1467 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
1468 "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
1469 dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
1470 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
1471 out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
1472 grandpa.", he remarks.
1473 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
1475 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
1476 science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
1477 some concrete example."
1478 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
1479 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
1480 a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
1481 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
1482 the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
1483 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
1484 to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
1485 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
1486 example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
1487 course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
1488 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
1490 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
1491 state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
1492 dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
1493 and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
1494 eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
1496 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
1497 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
1498 was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
1499 flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
1500 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
1501 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
1502 amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
1503 So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
1504 tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
1505 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
1508 Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
1509 Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
1511 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
1512 motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
1513 jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
1514 bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
1515 then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
1516 a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
1517 a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
1518 out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
1519 side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
1520 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
1521 blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
1522 of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
1523 the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
1524 are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
1526 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
1527 of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
1528 junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
1529 that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
1530 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
1531 On the Campaign Trail"
1533 People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1534 enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1536 A good position paper will have many words in it like
1537 "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1538 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1539 limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1540 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1541 position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1542 Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1543 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1545 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1547 Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your*
1548 reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
1549 "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and
1550 the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
1552 "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
1554 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
1555 has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
1556 Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
1557 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
1558 definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
1559 gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1560 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
1562 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
1564 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
1565 at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
1566 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1567 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
1568 warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
1569 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
1570 gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
1572 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
1573 stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
1574 this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
1575 doesn't deserve to have any."
1577 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
1578 still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
1579 Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
1580 exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
1581 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
1582 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
1583 love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
1585 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
1586 assure you, that's a wee-wee."
1588 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1589 certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1590 own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1591 care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
1592 statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
1594 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1596 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
1598 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
1599 answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
1600 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
1602 So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
1603 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
1605 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
1606 The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he
1607 said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
1609 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
1610 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
1611 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
1612 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
1613 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1615 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1617 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
1618 just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
1619 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
1620 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
1621 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
1622 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
1623 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
1624 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
1625 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
1626 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
1627 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
1628 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
1629 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
1630 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
1631 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
1632 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
1633 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1635 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
1636 claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
1637 his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
1639 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
1640 not much good in a fight."
1642 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
1643 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
1644 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
1645 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
1646 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
1647 sees nothing but goyim..."
1648 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
1649 you got problems. What about my son?"
1651 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
1652 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
1653 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
1655 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
1658 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1659 made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1660 footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1661 reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1662 madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
1663 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight
1664 every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1665 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1666 the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1667 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
1669 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
1670 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
1672 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
1673 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
1675 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
1677 My back aches, my pussy is sore;
1678 I simply can't fuck any more;
1679 I'm covered with sweat,
1680 And you haven't come yet,
1681 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
1683 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
1684 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
1685 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
1686 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
1687 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
1688 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
1689 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
1690 "That's two," he said.
1691 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
1692 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
1693 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
1694 shot the horse between the eyes.
1695 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
1696 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
1697 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
1699 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
1700 dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
1701 pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
1702 replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
1703 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
1704 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
1706 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
1707 waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
1708 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
1709 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
1710 wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
1711 returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
1712 two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
1713 a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
1714 from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
1715 with our hands," he explained.
1716 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
1717 have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
1718 little piece of string attached to my apron?"
1719 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
1720 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
1721 "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
1722 comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
1723 piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
1724 "But how do you put it back?"
1725 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
1728 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
1729 the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
1730 the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
1731 us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
1732 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
1733 Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
1734 on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
1735 his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
1736 leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
1737 negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
1738 farewell is consummated between the sheets.
1739 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
1740 pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
1741 look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
1742 we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
1743 She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
1745 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
1746 way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
1747 jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
1748 tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
1749 jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
1750 Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
1751 candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
1752 wildest girls I know.
1754 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
1755 period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
1756 frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
1757 as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
1759 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
1760 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
1761 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1763 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
1764 Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
1765 stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
1766 way when they try to be serious."
1767 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
1768 into the ether and the cocaine."
1769 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
1770 in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
1771 chew it up like baseball gum."
1772 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
1773 the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
1774 screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
1775 across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
1776 the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
1778 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
1780 The Split-Atom Blues
1782 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
1783 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
1784 But if you split those atoms fine,
1785 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
1787 Gimme zits, take my dough,
1788 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
1789 Call the devil and sell my soul,
1790 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
1791 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
1793 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1795 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
1796 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
1797 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and
1798 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
1800 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
1801 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1802 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1803 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1804 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1805 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1806 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1807 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1808 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
1809 10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1810 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1813 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
1814 wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
1815 romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
1816 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
1817 castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
1818 factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
1819 almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
1820 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
1821 trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
1822 ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
1823 on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
1824 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
1825 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
1826 people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
1828 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
1829 for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
1830 "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
1831 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
1832 guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
1833 popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
1834 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
1835 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
1836 using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
1837 The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
1838 wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
1839 "Wousy," said the girl.
1843 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
1844 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
1846 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
1847 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
1849 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
1850 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
1852 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
1853 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
1855 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
1856 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
1859 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
1860 and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
1861 from sex for thirty days.
1862 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
1863 the first couple if they passed the test.
1864 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
1865 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
1866 the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
1867 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
1868 until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
1869 I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
1870 stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
1871 to her right there."
1872 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
1873 the Church after something like that."
1874 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
1875 into Safeway anymore either."
1877 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
1878 a bar having a few drinks together.
1879 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
1880 drive your wife wild in bed?"
1881 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
1882 garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
1883 her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
1884 her wild with desire."
1885 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
1886 I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
1887 Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
1888 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
1889 out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
1892 These two project managers were walking through a residential area
1893 one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
1894 cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
1895 nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
1896 -- I wish I could do that!"
1897 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
1898 it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
1900 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
1901 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
1902 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
1903 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
1904 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
1905 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
1906 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
1907 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
1908 country. We're completely computerized.
1909 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
1910 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
1911 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
1912 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
1913 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
1914 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
1915 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
1916 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
1917 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
1918 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
1919 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
1920 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
1921 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
1923 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
1924 the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
1925 months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
1926 He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
1927 up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
1928 surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
1929 come on over to the clinic."
1930 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
1931 embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
1932 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
1933 all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
1934 on a top hat, and come on over."
1935 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
1936 reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
1937 dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
1938 nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
1939 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
1941 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
1942 with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
1943 dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
1944 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
1945 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
1946 the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
1947 requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
1948 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
1949 guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
1951 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
1952 *thing* 'til my nails dry!"
1954 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
1955 good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
1956 sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
1957 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
1959 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
1960 He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
1961 the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
1962 away feeling wonderful.
1963 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
1964 sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
1965 end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
1966 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
1967 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
1968 her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
1970 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
1971 The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
1972 selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
1973 asked, pointing at the first girl.
1974 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
1975 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
1976 girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
1977 "Your honor, I'm an actress."
1978 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
1980 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
1981 the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
1983 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
1984 Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
1985 arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
1987 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
1989 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
1990 ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
1991 shum money from my wife."
1992 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
1993 and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
1994 This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
1996 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
1998 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
1999 Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
2000 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
2001 enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
2002 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
2003 he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
2004 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
2006 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
2007 car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
2008 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
2010 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
2011 he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
2012 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
2014 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
2016 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
2017 didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
2018 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
2019 exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
2020 just before I came back to the States!"
2021 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
2022 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
2024 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
2025 were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
2026 side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
2027 driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
2028 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
2029 deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
2030 "Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
2031 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
2032 to be able to settle out of court."
2034 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
2035 how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
2036 you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
2037 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
2038 their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
2039 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
2040 His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
2041 room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
2042 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
2043 it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
2045 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
2046 their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
2047 has cut me down to just once a week."
2048 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
2049 two guys she's cut off altogether.
2051 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
2052 the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
2053 mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
2054 noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
2055 hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
2056 the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
2057 lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
2058 come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
2059 asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
2060 the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
2061 said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
2063 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
2064 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
2066 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
2067 partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
2068 three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
2070 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
2071 and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
2072 roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
2074 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
2077 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
2078 drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
2079 lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
2080 roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
2081 swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
2082 hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
2083 screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
2084 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
2085 was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
2086 hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
2087 eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
2088 I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
2089 Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
2090 bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
2091 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
2092 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
2094 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
2095 felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway,
2096 he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
2097 roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
2098 And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
2099 course, no one is mightier than you."
2100 A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
2101 bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
2103 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
2104 to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
2106 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
2107 was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
2108 "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
2109 elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
2110 picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2111 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2112 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
2113 "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
2116 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
2117 She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
2118 "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
2119 say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
2120 reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
2121 justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
2122 ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
2123 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
2124 explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
2125 suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
2126 the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
2127 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
2128 How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
2130 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
2131 didn't believe in God."
2132 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
2133 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
2134 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
2135 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
2137 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
2138 the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
2139 you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
2140 your play can go fuck yourselves."
2141 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
2143 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
2144 operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
2145 would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
2146 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
2147 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
2149 "Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
2150 "You really want to know?"
2152 "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
2154 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
2155 asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
2156 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
2157 whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
2158 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
2160 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
2161 out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
2162 France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
2163 proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
2164 aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
2165 and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
2166 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
2167 board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
2168 tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
2169 and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
2170 into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
2171 evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
2172 waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
2173 an explanation. She told him the whole story.
2174 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
2175 admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
2176 to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
2178 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
2179 night?" demanded the irate mother.
2180 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
2181 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
2182 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
2183 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
2186 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
2187 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
2188 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
2189 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
2190 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
2191 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
2192 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
2193 "Okay. It's your wife."
2197 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
2198 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
2200 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
2203 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
2204 elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
2205 up in the bar last night?"
2206 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
2207 "Did I bring you home?"
2209 "Did we, uh, fool around?"
2211 "Lord, I must have been tight!"
2214 ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
2215 we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
2216 inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
2217 as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
2218 naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
2219 might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
2220 us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
2221 protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
2222 that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
2223 God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
2224 for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
2225 virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
2226 frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
2227 because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
2228 is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
2229 is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
2230 obscure such reality.
2233 ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
2234 and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
2236 ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
2237 be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
2238 benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
2239 is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
2240 him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
2244 ... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
2245 you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
2246 fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
2247 stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
2248 had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
2249 publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
2250 Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
2251 primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
2252 back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
2254 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
2256 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
2257 is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
2258 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
2259 considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
2260 showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
2261 would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
2262 overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
2263 nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
2264 Through Swimsuits Issue.
2265 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2267 ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
2268 beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
2269 quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
2270 wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
2271 the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
2272 had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
2274 I gan noo wha ma organs gan
2275 When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
2276 So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
2277 Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
2278 And iver her purse was wet.
2279 But old Sir Oswald allus stank
2280 Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
2281 And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
2282 Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
2283 What I have done without.
2284 But ere ye come to draw ma heart
2285 Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
2286 But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
2287 And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
2289 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
2291 1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
2292 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
2293 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
2294 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
2295 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
2296 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
2298 AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
2301 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2303 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2304 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
2305 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
2306 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
2307 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
2308 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
2309 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
2310 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
2311 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
2312 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
2314 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2316 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2317 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
2319 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
2320 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
2321 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
2322 sleep with a beer, too.
2323 6. A beer helps with the housework.
2324 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
2325 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
2326 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
2327 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
2329 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2331 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
2332 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
2333 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
2334 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
2335 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
2336 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
2337 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
2338 8. A beer doesn't snore.
2339 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
2340 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
2342 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2344 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
2345 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
2346 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
2347 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
2348 4. Beer tastes good.
2349 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
2350 Hits" as much as you do.
2351 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
2352 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
2353 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
2354 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
2355 cents less expensive.
2356 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
2359 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2361 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2362 2. Beer stains wash out.
2363 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
2364 4. Beer never makes you wait.
2365 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2366 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
2367 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
2368 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
2369 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
2370 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
2372 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2374 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2375 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
2376 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
2377 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
2378 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
2379 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
2380 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
2381 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
2382 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
2383 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
2384 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
2385 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
2386 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
2387 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
2388 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
2390 18th Rule of Friendship:
2391 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
2392 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
2394 -- Esquire, May 1977
2396 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
2399 Do me now and I'll owe you one.
2401 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
2403 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
2406 69 with two fingers up your ass.
2409 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2411 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
2412 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
2413 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
2414 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
2415 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
2416 "just for the articles".
2417 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
2418 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
2420 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
2423 A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
2425 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
2426 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
2427 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
2428 downed his drink and left disgustedly.
2429 A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
2430 He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
2432 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
2433 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
2434 thing," and turned on his heel and left.
2435 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
2436 his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
2437 bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
2438 'round here would know?"
2439 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
2441 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
2442 George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
2444 A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
2445 patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
2446 women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
2448 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
2449 bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
2450 blanched and ran out of the bar.
2451 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
2452 all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
2453 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
2454 you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
2456 A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
2457 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
2458 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
2459 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
2460 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
2462 A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
2463 six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
2464 sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
2465 another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
2466 at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
2467 this barren bit of land.
2468 "Almost twenty years," he answered.
2469 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
2470 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
2472 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
2473 "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
2474 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
2475 beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
2476 how he had enjoyed it.
2477 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
2479 A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
2480 purgatory for the purse.
2482 A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
2483 one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
2484 away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
2485 thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
2486 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
2488 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
2489 "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
2490 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
2492 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
2493 having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
2495 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
2497 A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
2498 would send his wife a telegram saying,
2499 "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
2500 His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
2501 She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
2502 rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
2504 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
2506 A bisexual chap name of Lunt
2507 Taught himself an unusual stunt.
2508 He could peel back his spout
2509 Turn the skin inside out
2510 Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
2512 A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
2514 A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
2515 into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
2516 forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
2517 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
2518 apologized the rabbit.
2519 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
2521 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
2522 you think you could help me find out?"
2523 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
2524 rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
2525 and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
2526 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
2527 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
2528 suppose you could try and tell me?"
2529 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
2530 and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
2531 no balls. You must be an attorney!"
2533 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
2536 A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
2537 Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
2538 and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
2539 a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
2540 minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
2541 masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
2542 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
2544 A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
2545 fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
2546 the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
2547 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
2548 to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
2549 himself in an accentuated manner.
2550 "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not
2552 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
2553 "spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
2555 A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
2556 by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
2557 get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
2558 worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
2559 whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
2560 laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
2561 happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
2562 laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
2563 a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
2564 house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
2565 horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
2566 bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
2567 the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
2568 said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
2569 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
2570 "How did you make him cry tonight?"
2573 A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
2575 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
2576 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
2579 A clergical student named Simms
2580 Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
2582 Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
2583 All the others get Anglican hymns.
2585 A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
2586 most men know it's there, but few really care.
2588 A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
2592 A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
2594 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
2596 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
2598 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
2600 A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
2601 chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
2602 to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
2603 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
2604 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
2606 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2607 "No, Mom. Down underneath."
2608 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
2609 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
2610 a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
2611 "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
2612 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
2614 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2616 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
2618 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
2619 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
2622 A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
2623 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
2625 A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place,
2626 watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
2627 guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
2628 moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
2629 hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
2630 shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
2631 they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
2632 the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
2633 passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
2634 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
2635 with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
2636 sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
2637 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
2638 at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
2639 he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
2640 "What?!?!?" she screams.
2641 "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
2643 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
2645 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
2646 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
2647 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
2648 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
2649 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
2650 drowned in the lake!"
2651 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
2652 more chain than he can swim with?"
2654 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
2655 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
2657 A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
2658 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
2659 The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
2661 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
2663 A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
2664 coming again soon. Bend over.
2666 A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
2667 hard it was to get any sleep.
2668 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
2669 drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
2670 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
2671 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
2673 A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
2674 That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
2675 and that's how we'll do it now.
2678 A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
2681 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
2682 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
2684 A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
2685 professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
2686 and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
2687 night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
2688 asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
2689 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
2691 A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2692 the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2693 with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2694 speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2695 a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2696 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
2697 territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above."
2698 At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
2699 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
2700 fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2701 Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2702 At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing
2703 openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
2704 to the class that a 'Fokkers' was a particular type of plane flown by the
2706 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts".
2708 A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
2709 they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
2710 however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
2711 what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
2712 scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
2713 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
2714 would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
2715 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
2716 must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
2718 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
2720 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
2721 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
2722 He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
2723 "This frog can eat pussy."
2724 The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
2725 a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
2726 discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
2727 She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
2728 says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
2729 owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
2730 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
2731 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
2732 By now, the girl is laughing openly.
2733 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
2734 only going to show you one more time."
2736 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
2737 into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
2738 and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
2739 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
2740 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
2742 A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
2744 A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
2746 A hard man is good to find.
2748 A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
2749 the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
2750 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
2752 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
2753 downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
2754 all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
2755 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
2756 on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
2757 the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
2758 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
2761 A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
2762 the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
2763 told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
2764 home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
2765 of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
2766 soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
2767 the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
2768 Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
2769 thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
2770 but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
2771 Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
2772 Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
2773 worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
2774 "Saunders, help me please!"
2775 "But what is it, Madame?"
2776 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
2777 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
2779 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
2780 she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
2781 "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
2782 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
2784 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
2785 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
2786 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
2787 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
2788 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
2789 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
2790 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
2791 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
2792 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
2793 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
2794 this here corn liquor?"
2795 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
2796 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
2797 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
2798 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
2799 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
2800 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
2801 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
2802 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
2805 A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
2806 can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
2807 over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
2808 and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
2809 "Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
2811 A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
2814 A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
2815 father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
2816 used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
2817 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
2818 your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
2819 behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
2820 down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
2821 some manure from the ground and eat it!"
2822 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
2823 And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
2824 I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
2825 it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
2826 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
2827 we had *lunch* together!"
2829 A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
2830 Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
2831 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
2832 backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
2834 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
2835 the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
2836 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
2837 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
2838 probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
2839 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
2840 was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
2841 Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..."
2842 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
2843 Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
2844 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
2847 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
2850 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
2853 A man always needs to remember one thing about
2854 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
2856 A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
2857 husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
2858 wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
2860 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
2861 Naturally, the husband is surprised.
2862 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
2864 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
2865 computer programmer."
2866 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
2867 a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
2868 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
2869 tell me how great it was going to be."
2871 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
2872 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
2873 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
2874 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
2876 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
2877 on the side to make it interesting?"
2879 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
2880 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
2883 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
2884 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
2886 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
2887 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
2888 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
2889 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
2891 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
2892 "Nah," says the man.
2893 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
2894 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
2895 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
2898 A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
2899 from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
2901 "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
2902 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
2903 and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
2904 performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
2905 has been crafted into place."
2906 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
2907 tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
2909 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
2910 course, have to be someone else's."
2912 A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
2913 sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
2914 car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
2915 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
2916 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
2917 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
2918 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
2919 I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
2920 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
2921 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
2923 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
2924 Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
2925 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
2927 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
2928 twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
2929 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
2930 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
2931 I want you to drive her into Salerno."
2933 A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
2934 for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
2935 until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
2936 which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
2937 a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
2938 takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
2939 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
2940 anything to show my gratitude."
2941 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
2942 that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
2943 and take that damn dog for a walk!"
2945 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
2948 A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
2949 in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
2950 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2951 is your heart's desire?"
2952 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
2953 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
2954 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
2955 feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
2956 By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
2957 his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
2958 grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
2959 he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
2960 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
2961 is your heart's desire?"
2962 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
2965 A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
2966 contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
2967 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
2969 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
2970 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
2971 showing that thing to everybody."
2972 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
2973 when he hands her $1000.
2974 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
2976 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
2978 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
2979 tears welling up in her eyes.
2980 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
2982 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
2983 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
2984 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
2985 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
2986 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
2987 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
2988 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
2990 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
2991 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
2992 attacked and killed her."
2993 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
2994 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
2995 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
2997 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
2998 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
2999 from around here, are you?"
3000 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
3001 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
3002 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
3003 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
3004 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
3005 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
3006 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
3007 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
3008 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
3009 Martians have that?"
3010 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
3012 A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
3014 A man never minds being in the doghouse
3015 as long as he can get his tail outside.
3017 A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
3018 three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
3019 them one after another.
3020 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
3021 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
3022 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
3023 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
3024 the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
3026 A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
3027 help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
3029 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
3030 "Glad to do it," said the other man.
3031 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
3032 "It was a pleasure," said the man.
3033 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
3034 "she was a truly great lay."
3035 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
3036 to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
3037 to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
3038 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
3039 Sam is a helluva nice guy."
3041 A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
3042 some good news and some bad news."
3043 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
3044 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
3045 longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
3046 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
3049 A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
3050 water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
3051 person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
3052 First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
3053 ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
3054 be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
3055 thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
3056 shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
3057 went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
3058 and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
3059 he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
3060 and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
3061 and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
3062 was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
3063 outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
3064 at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
3065 last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
3066 or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
3067 satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
3068 for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
3070 A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
3071 says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
3072 me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
3073 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
3074 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
3075 and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
3076 her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
3077 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
3078 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
3079 after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
3080 got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
3081 After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
3082 took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
3084 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
3085 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
3086 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
3089 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
3090 find a girl willing to listen to him.
3092 A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
3093 shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
3094 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
3096 "Sure," said the bartender.
3097 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
3098 you'll find the money for the beer."
3099 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
3100 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
3101 Where is the men's room?"
3102 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
3103 two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
3105 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
3107 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
3109 A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
3110 for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
3111 wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
3112 old age home that money can buy.
3113 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
3114 to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
3115 straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
3116 finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
3117 over and gently pushes him upright again.
3118 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
3120 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
3121 it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
3122 there's just one little problem."
3124 "They won't let you fart."
3126 A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
3128 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
3129 good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
3130 scruples and the police.
3133 A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
3134 swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
3135 his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
3136 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
3137 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
3138 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
3140 A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
3141 Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
3142 anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
3144 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
3145 foreman. "The other men swear by it."
3146 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
3147 his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
3149 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
3152 "That's your day in the barrel."
3154 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
3155 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
3156 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
3157 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
3158 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
3159 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
3160 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
3161 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3162 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
3163 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3164 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
3165 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3166 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
3170 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
3171 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
3172 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
3173 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
3174 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
3175 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
3176 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
3177 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
3178 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
3181 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
3182 wrong with a high sense of consistency.
3185 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
3188 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
3189 out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
3190 Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
3191 minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
3192 and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
3193 them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
3194 the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
3195 partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
3196 morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
3197 night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
3198 bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
3199 where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
3200 deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
3202 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
3203 like grated cheeth!"
3205 A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
3206 sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
3207 married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
3208 to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
3209 risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
3210 to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
3211 thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
3212 that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
3213 children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
3214 by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
3215 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
3216 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
3219 A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
3220 going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
3221 two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot put and exclaims, "Shit!"
3222 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
3224 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
3225 the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
3226 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
3227 more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
3228 misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
3229 club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
3230 whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
3231 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
3232 daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
3234 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
3236 A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
3238 A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
3239 talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
3240 was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
3241 their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
3242 the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
3243 said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
3245 A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
3246 true to the very end of the end of a friend.
3248 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
3249 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
3250 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
3251 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
3254 A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
3255 trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
3256 mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
3257 results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
3258 octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
3259 the next morning, he asked the octopus,
3260 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
3261 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
3264 A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
3267 A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
3268 against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
3269 hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
3270 the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
3271 of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
3272 "What happened to your car?"
3273 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
3274 stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
3275 the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
3277 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
3278 down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
3280 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
3282 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
3284 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
3286 A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
3289 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
3290 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
3291 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
3293 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
3294 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
3295 might be made an Archbishop."
3296 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
3297 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
3298 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
3299 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
3300 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
3301 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
3302 up from being the Pope?"
3303 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
3304 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
3306 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
3309 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
3310 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
3311 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
3312 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
3313 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
3314 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
3315 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
3316 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
3317 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
3318 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
3320 A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
3321 and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
3322 to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
3323 could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
3324 idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
3325 and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
3326 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3327 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
3328 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
3329 in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
3330 its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3331 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
3332 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
3333 in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
3334 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
3335 big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
3336 you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
3338 A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
3339 his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
3340 sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
3341 to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
3342 pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
3343 condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
3344 for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
3345 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
3346 says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
3348 A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
3349 One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
3350 He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
3351 So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
3353 Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
3354 One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
3355 "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
3356 "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
3358 They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
3359 They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
3360 And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
3361 Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
3363 They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
3364 "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
3365 As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
3366 Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
3368 The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
3369 Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
3370 Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
3371 "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
3372 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
3374 A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
3375 all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
3376 Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
3377 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
3378 cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
3379 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
3381 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
3382 you know how them Mex'cans lie."
3384 A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
3385 act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
3386 styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
3387 for fun at the lad's expense.
3388 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
3389 The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
3390 her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
3391 a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
3392 tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
3393 give him the proper size.
3394 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
3395 half interest in the store."
3397 A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
3398 happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
3399 greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
3400 third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
3401 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
3402 swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
3403 The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
3405 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
3406 carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
3407 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
3408 to walk to first base.
3409 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
3410 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
3411 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
3414 A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
3415 animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
3417 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
3418 pricks than those raised in Africa?"
3419 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
3420 "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
3423 A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
3424 the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
3425 hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
3426 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
3427 "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
3428 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
3429 answer, right there."
3430 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
3431 drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
3432 wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
3433 to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
3434 game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
3435 a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
3436 quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
3437 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
3438 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
3440 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
3442 A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
3443 for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
3444 a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
3445 with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
3446 uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
3447 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
3448 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
3449 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
3450 "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
3452 A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
3453 greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
3454 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
3456 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
3457 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
3458 but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
3459 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
3461 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
3462 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
3464 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
3465 the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
3466 that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
3467 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
3468 but business is business."
3470 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
3472 A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
3473 century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
3474 rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
3475 and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
3476 never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
3478 Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
3479 Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
3481 LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
3482 vegetables with its tail!"
3483 Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
3484 LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
3486 A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
3490 A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
3492 A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
3493 comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
3496 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
3499 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
3500 *for the rest of your life*.
3503 A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
3504 this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
3505 unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
3506 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
3507 masturbation is "by no means harmless"
3509 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
3511 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
3514 A woman forgives the audacity of which
3515 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
3518 A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
3519 dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
3520 about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
3521 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
3522 with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
3523 much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
3524 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
3525 side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
3528 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
3529 thankful for a good one.
3530 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
3532 A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
3533 the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
3534 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
3535 people personal questions."
3536 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
3537 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
3539 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
3540 car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
3541 the car and watch my purse."
3542 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
3543 license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
3544 her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
3545 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
3546 "That's right! How did you know?"
3547 "And you weigh 119 pounds."
3548 "Did you look in my purse?"
3549 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
3551 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
3553 A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
3555 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
3557 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
3558 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
3561 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
3562 little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
3565 A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
3566 It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
3567 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
3569 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
3570 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
3571 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
3574 A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
3577 A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
3578 pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
3579 woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
3580 love, without virtue, without sex.
3583 A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
3586 A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
3590 A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
3591 sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
3593 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
3594 uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
3595 tell her why he won't make love to her.
3596 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
3597 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
3598 come here and look for yourself."
3599 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
3600 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
3601 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
3604 A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
3605 She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
3606 three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
3608 A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
3609 himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
3610 he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
3611 of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
3612 if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
3613 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
3614 grant you three wishes."
3615 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
3616 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
3617 ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
3618 if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
3619 aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
3620 the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
3621 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
3622 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
3624 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
3626 A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
3627 daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
3628 a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
3629 out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
3630 who uses bad words?"
3632 "A little bird," answered the mother.
3633 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
3634 feeding the little bastards, too!"
3636 A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
3637 as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
3638 like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
3639 be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
3640 carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
3641 worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
3642 the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
3643 A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
3644 received a telegram from their sister. It read:
3646 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
3647 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
3648 going to kill whoever put the novacaine into the KY jelly...
3650 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
3652 Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
3653 The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
3654 Her figurehead They filled his ass,
3655 A whore in bed, With broken glass,
3656 Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
3658 The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
3659 And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
3660 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
3661 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
3662 And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
3664 The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
3665 And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
3666 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
3667 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
3668 Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
3670 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
3672 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
3673 religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
3675 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
3677 AC/DC is a rock band.
3680 Achilles' Biological Findings:
3681 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
3682 looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
3683 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
3684 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
3688 (1) Women don't know what they want;
3689 they don't like what they have got.
3690 (2) Men know very well what they want;
3691 having got it, they begin to lose interest.
3693 Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
3694 and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
3696 Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
3697 such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
3700 Putting yourself in someone else's position.
3702 Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
3703 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
3705 After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
3706 are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
3707 starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
3708 rummaging through a dresser drawer.
3709 "What are you doing?" she asks.
3710 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
3712 After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
3713 bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
3715 "That's MY business," she snapped.
3716 "Ah," he said. "A professional."
3718 After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
3719 attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
3720 for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
3721 and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
3722 were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
3723 a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
3724 girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
3725 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
3726 be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
3727 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
3728 like you doing in a hotel like this?"
3729 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
3731 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
3733 After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
3734 in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
3735 hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
3736 and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
3737 to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
3738 become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
3739 needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
3740 the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
3741 little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
3742 time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
3743 remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
3744 wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
3745 counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
3746 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
3748 After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
3749 bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
3750 his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
3751 on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
3752 you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
3754 After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
3755 the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
3756 indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
3757 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
3760 After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
3761 embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
3762 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
3763 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
3764 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
3765 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
3766 drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
3768 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
3769 nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
3770 make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
3771 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
3773 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
3774 "is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
3776 After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
3777 to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
3778 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
3779 to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
3780 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
3781 find one at three in the morning?"
3783 After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
3784 brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
3787 After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
3790 Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
3792 A.I. hackers do it with robots.
3794 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
3796 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
3797 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
3798 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
3800 Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
3801 -- Bobcat Goldthwait
3803 Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
3805 Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
3806 A: Antler marks on their hips.
3808 Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
3809 the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
3812 Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
3814 Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
3815 daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
3816 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
3817 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
3818 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
3819 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
3820 so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
3821 screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
3824 "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
3825 the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
3828 Having an ex you can bank on.
3830 All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
3833 All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
3836 All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
3838 All I want is a girl made of wood,
3839 With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
3840 She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
3841 Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
3844 All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
3848 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
3849 or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
3852 All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
3853 injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
3856 All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
3857 And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
3858 And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
3859 And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
3860 Hello, operator, give me number nine,
3861 If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
3862 Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
3863 If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
3864 Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
3865 This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
3866 She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
3867 She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
3868 He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
3869 Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
3872 All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
3875 All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
3876 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
3877 Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
3878 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
3879 All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
3880 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
3881 Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
3882 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
3883 All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
3884 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
3885 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
3887 All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
3888 crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
3889 part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
3890 there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
3891 important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
3892 president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
3893 believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
3894 the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
3895 a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
3896 going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
3897 home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
3898 collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
3901 All work and no pay makes a housewife.
3903 Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
3904 subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
3905 to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
3906 must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
3907 essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
3908 sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
3909 of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
3910 not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
3911 in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
3912 is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
3913 there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
3914 in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
3915 of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
3916 willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
3917 in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
3918 a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
3919 protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
3920 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
3922 Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
3923 save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I want to do girlie
3925 -- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
3928 Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
3929 of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
3930 appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
3931 proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
3932 superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
3933 inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
3934 responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
3935 natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
3936 the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
3937 on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
3938 anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
3939 to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
3940 up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
3941 week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
3944 The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
3945 Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
3946 Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
3947 You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
3948 among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
3949 Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
3950 and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
3951 and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
3954 Always talk to your wife while you're
3955 making love... if there's a phone handy.
3958 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
3960 America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
3961 with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
3962 anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
3963 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3964 On the Campaign Trail"
3966 America cannot be sold a can of beer without
3967 being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
3970 America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
3973 America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
3974 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
3975 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
3977 American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
3978 is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
3979 any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
3980 in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
3981 to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
3982 husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
3983 help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
3984 which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
3985 men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
3986 continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
3987 other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
3989 -- James Michener, "Space"
3991 Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator,"
3992 we say "lift" ... they say "President," we say "stupid psychopathic
3996 America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
3997 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
3999 An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
4001 An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
4002 the happiness of life.
4003 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
4004 dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
4005 Football," the American said.
4006 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
4007 a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
4008 romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
4009 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
4010 two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
4011 soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
4012 door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
4013 with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
4014 policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
4015 Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
4016 being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
4017 shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
4018 lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
4020 An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
4021 exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
4022 only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
4023 for a cigar?" he asked.
4024 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
4026 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
4028 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
4029 "Well, how about a game of billiards?"
4030 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
4031 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
4032 son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
4033 "Your son? An only child, I presume."
4035 An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
4036 dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
4037 visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
4038 arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
4039 hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
4040 "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
4041 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
4042 ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
4043 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
4044 friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
4045 and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
4046 hero. He speaks first:
4047 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
4048 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
4049 capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
4051 "Ma femme est morte."
4052 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
4054 An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
4055 is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
4056 of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
4057 if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
4058 got a quick bite to eat.
4059 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
4060 Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
4061 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
4062 an open window and takes the seat.
4063 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
4064 American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
4065 you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
4066 street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
4068 An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
4069 Saw sartorial changes ahead.
4070 His mind kept on ringing
4071 With fishy girls singing;
4072 Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
4073 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
4075 An Army travels on her stomach.
4077 An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
4078 eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
4079 person who will sit on its face is its mother.
4081 An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
4082 logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
4083 been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
4084 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
4086 An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
4087 chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
4088 Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
4089 who has seen the Managing Director face on).
4090 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
4092 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
4093 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
4094 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
4095 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
4096 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
4098 And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgment of God
4099 upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
4100 criminal at the bar of justice.
4101 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
4103 ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
4104 the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
4105 talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
4107 And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
4108 he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
4109 me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
4110 the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
4111 suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
4112 not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
4113 lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
4114 other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
4115 redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
4116 no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
4117 because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
4118 nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
4119 lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
4120 and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
4121 were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
4122 old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
4123 and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
4127 And let me the canakin clink, clink;
4128 and let me the canakin clink.
4130 O, man's life's but a span,
4131 Why then, let a soldier drink.
4133 And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
4134 ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
4136 And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
4137 as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
4138 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
4139 open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
4141 And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
4142 And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
4143 --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
4145 And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
4146 victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
4147 freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
4148 off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
4149 he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
4150 his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
4152 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
4154 And the northern lights commenced to glow.
4155 And she said, with a tear in her eye,
4156 "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
4157 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
4159 And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
4162 Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
4164 Xander: What are you going to do?
4165 Buffy: I'm going to kill them all. (Walking away)
4166 That oughta distract them.
4167 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
4170 Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
4171 photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
4172 greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
4173 "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
4174 record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
4175 upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
4176 between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
4177 family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
4178 signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
4179 than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
4180 of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
4181 drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
4182 Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
4183 "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
4184 couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
4185 a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
4186 "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
4187 husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
4188 being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
4190 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
4193 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
4194 this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
4195 exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
4196 there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
4198 Another stupid gay joke!!!
4199 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
4200 daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
4201 serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
4202 in and kick your ass?"
4203 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
4205 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
4206 on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
4207 as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
4208 bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
4209 lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
4210 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
4213 The first time you can't do it a second time.
4216 The second time you can't do it the first time.
4218 Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
4219 his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
4221 Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
4223 Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
4225 Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
4227 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
4228 Season 3, Episode 20
4230 Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
4233 Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.
4236 Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
4238 APL hackers take all they want.
4240 Apple owners do it with mice!
4243 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
4244 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
4245 December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
4246 it was you did during the past year.
4248 Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
4249 released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
4250 enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
4253 Are there those in the land of the brave
4254 Who can tell me how I should behave
4257 A file I intended to save?
4259 ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
4260 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
4261 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
4262 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
4263 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
4266 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
4268 As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
4269 and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
4272 The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
4273 doubtless, a separation.
4274 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
4276 As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
4277 sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
4278 was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
4280 As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
4282 As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
4283 makes the ride fun."
4285 As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
4286 than the average asshole on the street.
4287 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
4289 As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
4290 within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
4292 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
4293 know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
4294 have two alcoholics."
4296 As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
4298 As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
4299 saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
4300 one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
4301 you're a veterinarian."
4303 As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
4304 have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
4305 issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
4308 As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
4309 VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
4310 offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
4312 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
4313 choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
4314 heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
4315 soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
4316 end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
4317 this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
4318 not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
4319 automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
4320 feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
4321 ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
4322 as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
4323 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
4324 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
4325 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
4326 white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
4327 who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
4328 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
4329 your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
4330 you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
4331 the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
4333 As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
4334 figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
4335 his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
4336 oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
4337 inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
4338 could have been killed!"
4339 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
4340 coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
4343 As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
4345 Ask your boss to reconsider --
4346 It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
4348 Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
4349 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
4350 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
4354 The masculine of "lass".
4356 Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
4358 Assassins do it from behind.
4360 At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
4361 it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
4362 the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
4364 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
4365 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
4366 room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
4367 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
4368 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
4369 off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
4372 At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
4373 The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
4374 to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
4376 "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
4378 "YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
4379 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
4381 At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
4382 decent men in public life.
4385 Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
4387 Australia's a lovely land
4388 It's full of bonza blokes,
4389 Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
4390 Except in Pommie jokes.
4392 Australians are lovely chaps
4393 They're God's own chosen race.
4394 If they ever see a fairy Pom
4395 They'll smash him in the face.
4397 Australians like dressing up
4398 In skirts and having fun
4399 And that's all we were doing
4400 When the Vice Squad came along.
4404 1 to 10 alphabetically,
4405 from here to eternity without in betweens,
4406 still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
4407 sales talk from sales assistants
4408 when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
4409 no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
4411 she comes when she comes,
4412 right on the target but wide of the mark...
4414 B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
4416 Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
4419 Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
4420 popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
4421 blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
4422 back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
4423 slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
4424 "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
4425 appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
4426 spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
4427 honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
4428 hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
4431 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
4432 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
4435 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
4438 Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
4440 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
4441 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
4443 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
4444 (2) Advising the President.
4445 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
4448 Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
4449 Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
4450 Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
4451 Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
4454 Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
4457 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
4458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4460 Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
4462 Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
4463 repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
4464 more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
4465 get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
4466 bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
4467 love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
4468 too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
4469 care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
4470 aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
4471 if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
4472 unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
4473 men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
4474 made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
4475 we are part of the women's liberation movement.
4477 Bedfellows make strange politicians.
4480 A bull masturbating.
4482 Behold the unborn fetus and
4483 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
4484 All life is sacred (save, of course,
4487 Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
4488 To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
4489 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
4491 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
4495 Bend over and take it like a man!
4497 Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
4498 For her life held no terrors.
4499 A virgin born, a virgin died:
4500 No hits, no runs, no errors.
4502 Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
4503 They buried him today,
4504 He lived the life of Riley,
4505 While Riley was away.
4507 Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
4508 Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
4509 Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
4510 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
4512 Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
4514 BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
4515 The single girl's motto.
4517 Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
4519 Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
4524 Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
4525 generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
4526 prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
4527 and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
4528 you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
4529 isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
4530 remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
4531 with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
4532 A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
4533 can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
4534 erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
4537 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
4539 Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
4540 discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
4541 can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
4542 don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
4544 Birth, copulation and death.
4545 That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
4546 Birth, copulation and death.
4547 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
4549 Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
4552 Bitch, bitch, bitch --
4553 That's all I ever hear,
4554 Ever since the dog ate the baby,
4555 "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
4557 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
4559 Blow it out your ass!
4561 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
4562 sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
4563 Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
4564 driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
4567 Bend over, here it comes again.
4569 Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
4570 your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
4571 one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
4572 but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
4573 feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
4574 something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
4575 because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
4576 mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
4580 Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
4581 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
4583 Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
4585 Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
4589 Shall I call you or just nudge you?
4591 Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
4592 Held venal traffic with a gnu.
4593 Mistaking fore for aft one morn
4594 Impaled herself upon its horn.
4596 Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
4597 our furred and feathered friends.
4599 Brigands will demand your money or
4600 your life, but a woman will demand both.
4603 Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
4605 Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
4606 [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
4609 Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
4610 week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
4611 students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
4612 with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
4613 the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
4614 to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing
4615 revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
4616 the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
4617 campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
4618 Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
4619 addition to the usual humiliation.
4622 The dark side of the moon.
4624 Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
4626 Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
4627 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
4630 Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean like, do you have to be
4632 Willow: Yes. First there is the painful nowning process.
4633 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
4636 Buffy: It was exactly you Will, every detail. Except for your not being
4637 a dominatrix, as far as we know.
4638 Willow: Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
4639 Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
4641 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
4642 Season 3, Episode 16
4644 Buffy: No! You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that
4645 everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
4646 normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
4647 face of the earth to do it!
4649 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
4650 Season 3, Episode 20
4655 Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
4656 Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
4657 the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
4658 nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
4659 Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
4660 the country was hopelessly trapped.
4661 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
4663 Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
4664 and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
4667 But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?
4668 -- Anonymous med school student
4670 But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
4671 Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
4674 But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
4675 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
4677 Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
4680 By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
4681 get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
4685 A man who doesn't tell his wife
4686 that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
4689 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
4690 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
4691 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
4692 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
4694 California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
4697 Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
4703 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
4704 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
4706 Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
4707 -- From the movie "Outrageous"
4709 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
4710 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
4711 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
4712 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
4713 recipients are Cancer people.
4719 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
4721 Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
4722 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
4723 and sex won't rot your teeth.
4725 Captain Hook died of jock itch.
4727 "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
4728 the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
4729 client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
4730 a hole in the ground."
4732 Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
4733 Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
4736 Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
4737 Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
4738 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
4739 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
4740 En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
4743 Champagne don't make me lazy.
4744 Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
4745 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
4751 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
4757 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
4759 Chastity is its own punishment.
4761 Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
4762 bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block.
4763 I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
4764 It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
4765 middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
4766 beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
4767 to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
4769 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
4771 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
4772 know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
4774 Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
4775 Jack Frost ripping up your nose
4776 Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
4777 And folks dressed up like buffaloes
4778 Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
4779 Helps to make the season right
4780 Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
4781 Will find it hard to see tonight
4782 They know that Santa's on his way
4783 He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
4784 And every mother's child is sure to spy
4785 To see if reindeer really scream when they die
4786 And so I'm offering this simple phrase
4787 To kids from one to ninety two
4788 Although it's been said many times, many ways
4789 Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
4792 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
4793 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
4794 And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady.
4795 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
4796 I don't want me pecker blown away,
4797 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
4798 And fornicate me bloody life away!!
4800 Monday I touched her on the ankle,
4801 Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
4802 And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
4803 And Thursday I saw you know what,
4804 Friday I put me 'and upon it,
4805 Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
4806 And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
4807 And now she pays me forty quid a week!
4813 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
4815 Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
4820 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
4821 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
4824 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
4825 book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
4826 follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
4829 Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
4830 a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
4831 In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
4833 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been
4834 found difficult and not tried.
4838 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
4839 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
4840 response time of the entire year.
4843 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
4844 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
4847 Christmas comes but once a year,
4848 A time for love and laughter;
4849 You can come much more than that,
4850 But you have to clean up after.
4853 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
4854 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
4856 Clark Kent is a transvestite.
4859 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
4863 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
4864 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
4867 There is no magic....
4869 Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
4870 fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
4874 Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
4879 CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
4882 Of my own flesh and bone
4883 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4884 And when she is grown,
4886 We'll be of the opposite sex.
4889 Clone, clone of my own,
4890 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4891 And when we're alone,
4892 Since her mind is my own,
4893 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
4896 Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
4899 The thinking man's Dristan.
4901 Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
4903 Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
4904 -- Tallulah Bankhead
4906 Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
4909 (Who's got the next line?)
4912 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
4914 Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
4915 What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
4916 -- Orben's Current Comedy
4920 coitus interruptus, n:
4921 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
4922 "I want to have your child."
4924 Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
4925 ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
4926 endure marriage. But she?
4929 Coitus upon a cadaver
4930 Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
4932 Means a man needn't wait,
4933 And eliminates all the palaver.
4936 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
4939 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
4941 College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
4942 later you wish you'd never come.
4944 College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
4945 and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
4947 Come along and sing a song and join our family.
4951 Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
4959 Come on now, let's try another tie!
4961 All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
4965 -- To the Mickey Mouse March
4967 Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
4968 Catholic girls start much too late,
4969 Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
4970 I might as well be the one.
4971 Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
4972 Built you a temple and locked you away,
4973 Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
4974 The things that you might have done.
4975 So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
4976 Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
4977 That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
4978 Never lets in the sun.
4979 Darling, only the good die young!
4980 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
4982 Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
4986 A superfluous element of a source program included so the
4987 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
4988 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
4989 to those who think they aren't.
4991 Communists do it without class.
4993 Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
4995 computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
4998 Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
5000 Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
5004 man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
5005 man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
5006 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
5007 modern house without toilet uncanny.
5008 man with athletic finger make broad jump
5009 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
5011 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
5012 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
5013 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
5014 turn out to be shiftless bastard.
5015 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
5016 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
5019 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
5020 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
5021 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
5022 boy who play with himself pulls boner.
5023 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
5024 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
5025 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
5026 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
5027 man who lie under car, get tired
5028 man who stand behind car, get exhausted.
5031 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
5032 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
5034 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
5035 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
5036 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
5037 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
5038 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
5039 woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
5040 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
5041 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
5042 epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
5043 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
5046 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
5047 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
5048 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
5049 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
5050 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
5051 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
5052 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
5053 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
5054 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
5055 man who streak unsuited for work.
5056 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
5057 man who beat off in car have hot rod.
5060 One woman plus one left turn.
5062 Two women plus one secret.
5064 Three women plus one bargain.
5066 Four women plus one luncheon check.
5069 Father's Day in San Francisco.
5072 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
5075 Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
5078 Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
5080 continental breakfast, n:
5081 A roll in bed with some honey.
5084 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
5087 (to the tune of Copacabana)
5089 Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
5090 She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
5091 And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
5092 And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
5093 His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
5094 Won't you order one?
5096 At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
5098 Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
5099 But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
5100 Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
5101 She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
5102 But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
5103 But a real good time ...
5105 Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
5106 Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at _
\bL_
\bI_
\bN_
\bO_
\bL_
\bE_
\bU_
\bM makes me want to have sex.
5107 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
5108 Season 2, Episode 14
5110 Couples in motion have moments.
5113 Two cannibals having oral sex.
5115 Cover your stump before you hump.
5116 Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
5117 Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
5118 Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
5119 If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
5120 -- National Condom Week
5123 Life's a bitch, then you die.
5126 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
5127 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
5128 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
5129 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
5130 chew off your arm at the shoulder.
5133 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
5136 See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
5137 as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
5139 "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
5140 and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
5141 because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
5142 more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
5143 entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
5144 honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
5145 to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
5146 general understanding of science as an enterprise?
5147 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
5150 Eight big men and their cute little cox.
5152 Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at?
5153 I know - you don't have to say that!
5154 All you guys want of me
5155 Is a poke where I pee,
5156 And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
5158 Crinklaw's Observation:
5159 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
5160 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
5162 Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
5163 Homo qui aedificabat.
5164 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
5165 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
5166 Sed virginem pine necebat.
5168 Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
5170 Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
5172 Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
5174 Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
5175 Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
5176 I really must beg your pardon,
5177 But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
5178 From beating my meat, against the seat,
5179 Of a bicycle built for two.
5180 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
5182 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
5184 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
5185 Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
5186 She went down on the gents,
5187 And pronged the girl's vents
5188 With a clitoris reaching six inches.
5190 Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
5193 Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _
\bF_
\bI_
\bR_
\bS_
\bT you rape,
5194 _
\bT_
\bH_
\bE_
\bN you pillage!!
5196 Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
5198 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
5199 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of
5202 Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
5204 date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
5207 Dave has an aeroplane,
5208 In which he likes to frisk.
5209 Oh what a foolish boy,
5212 David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
5214 De Hispanice puella verumque
5215 Simplex oris verborumque
5218 Iterum iterum iterumque.
5221 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
5222 a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
5223 sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
5224 is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
5225 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
5226 for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
5227 much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
5228 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
5234 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
5235 think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
5236 from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
5240 If she coughs, fuck her.
5243 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
5244 Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
5245 in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
5246 I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
5248 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
5249 she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
5250 this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
5251 about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
5255 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
5256 one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
5257 know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
5260 Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
5261 This visage meek and humble,
5262 And hear this confidential plea
5263 Voiced in reverent mumble:
5264 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
5265 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
5269 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
5272 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
5273 If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
5274 discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
5275 and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
5276 along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
5277 however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
5278 intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
5281 Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
5282 to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
5283 himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
5284 politically. But the designations may be good business for war
5285 veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
5286 bled it all they could consequently. And why not?
5287 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
5289 Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
5290 Communist politician is through, he is through.
5292 Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
5296 Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
5297 telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
5298 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
5300 Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
5301 housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
5302 The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
5303 were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
5304 him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
5305 put one in whatever he's drinking."
5306 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
5307 and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
5308 up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
5309 dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
5311 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
5312 the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
5313 of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
5314 "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
5315 "See that mosquito?" he replied.
5317 Dial 911. Make a cop come.
5323 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
5325 Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
5328 Did you hear about...
5329 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
5331 Did you hear about...
5332 the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
5334 Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
5336 Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
5339 Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
5340 You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
5342 Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
5343 He was blown down the street by a rocket.
5344 The force of the blast
5345 Blew his balls up his ass,
5346 And his pecker was found in his pocket.
5348 Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
5351 Did you know that some people your age have sex
5352 thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
5354 Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
5356 Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
5358 Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
5359 room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
5360 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
5362 Disclaimer of the Week:
5363 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
5365 Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
5366 As human gods aim for their mark,
5367 Make everything from toy guns that spark
5368 To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
5369 It's easy to see without looking too far
5370 That not much is really sacred.
5372 Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
5374 [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
5375 two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
5377 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
5378 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
5379 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
5380 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
5381 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
5382 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
5383 factory puts them there.
5384 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
5385 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
5386 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
5387 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
5388 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
5389 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
5390 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
5391 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
5393 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
5395 DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
5398 (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
5403 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
5405 Do married women make the best wives?
5407 Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
5408 step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
5411 Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
5412 For though the world stood up
5413 And stopped the bastard,
5414 The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
5417 Do something big -- fuck a giant
5419 Do you smoke after sex?
5420 Why, do you know, I've never looked!
5422 Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
5424 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
5425 very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
5428 Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
5429 -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
5431 Does it rape elephants?
5434 Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
5435 It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
5437 Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
5438 are strange as hell.
5439 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
5441 Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
5442 Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
5443 Just sit in the sand
5445 And buy bonds with the money you save.
5447 Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
5449 Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
5450 idea that I'm knocking the American system.
5453 Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
5456 Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
5459 Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
5461 Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
5463 Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
5464 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
5465 in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
5467 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
5468 you through times of no dope.
5469 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak
5470 Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton
5472 Down by the old model T,
5473 Where she first showed it to me.
5474 It was furry and black,
5475 And she called it a crack,
5476 But it looked like a manhole to me.
5478 Draft beer, not people
5480 Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
5481 but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
5482 exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
5485 Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
5487 Dull women have immaculate homes.
5489 DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
5490 Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
5491 And by planned obsolescence,
5492 So controlled detumescence,
5493 A poor man could not get a smell.
5495 During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
5496 Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
5497 Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
5498 read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
5499 that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
5500 said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
5501 well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
5502 the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
5503 misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
5504 say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
5506 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
5509 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
5512 Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
5514 Dyslexics have more fnu.
5516 DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
5518 Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
5520 Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
5522 Eat shit and die a virgin!
5524 Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
5526 Economists are still trying to figure out why the
5527 girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
5529 EE's do it without shorts.
5531 Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
5534 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
5537 Eisenhower was very nice,
5538 Nixon was his only vice.
5541 Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
5542 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
5543 sleep in the wet spot.
5544 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
5546 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
5547 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
5549 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5550 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
5552 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
5554 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
5555 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
5556 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
5558 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
5559 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
5563 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
5565 Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
5566 professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
5571 The skin you touch to love.
5573 Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
5574 Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
5575 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
5576 Ich hore Mann kommen."
5577 "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
5580 The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
5582 Ethnologists up with the Sioux
5583 Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
5584 The answer next day,
5585 Said, "Girls on the way,
5586 But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
5588 Evangelists do it with Him watching.
5590 Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
5592 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
5593 just a bit unchivalrous ...
5596 Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
5597 (Tell mate you have to work late.)
5599 Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
5600 wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
5603 Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
5604 Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
5606 Every harlot was a virgin once.
5609 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5610 closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
5611 like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
5612 and at least a pint of ether.
5613 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5615 Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
5616 busy with their own.
5617 -- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
5618 Season 3, Episode 18
5620 Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
5622 Please, think of the kittens.
5624 Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
5626 Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
5627 Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
5628 Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
5630 Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
5632 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5633 Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
5634 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
5635 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5636 Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
5637 drinking. Rule Five..."
5638 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5639 Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
5640 Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5641 Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
5642 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
5643 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
5646 Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
5649 Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
5650 Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
5651 and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
5653 Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
5654 are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
5655 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
5657 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
5659 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
5661 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
5662 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
5663 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
5664 It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
5665 do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
5667 Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
5671 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
5673 Exuberant Sue from Anjou
5674 Found that fucking affected her hue.
5675 She presented to sight
5676 Nipples pink, bottom white;
5677 But her asshole was purple and blue.
5679 Faith: Tell me you don't get off on this!
5680 Buffy: It didn't suck.
5681 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
5682 Season 3, Episode 14
5688 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
5689 2: You and what army?
5690 3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
5691 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
5693 5: I don't see how they make a profit
5694 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
5695 6: We're just getting into semantics again.
5696 7: Everything's under control.
5697 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
5699 Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
5700 of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
5701 long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
5704 Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
5705 She was a virgin tried and true
5706 Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
5707 There ain't nothin' she won't do!
5708 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
5709 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
5710 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
5711 That's why caviar is my dish!
5713 Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
5714 He was a man of ninety-three
5715 Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
5716 He had chased her up a tree!
5720 Past tense for a breast examination!
5722 Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
5723 flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
5727 Life support system for a pussy.
5730 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
5731 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
5733 Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
5735 Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
5736 women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
5740 Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
5741 licentious, dirty bum!!
5745 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
5747 Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
5748 Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
5751 Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
5753 Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
5754 Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
5755 Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
5756 Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
5757 Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
5759 Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
5762 First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
5763 Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
5764 Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
5765 And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
5766 Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
5767 You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
5768 Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
5769 Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
5770 Doin' the Vatican Rag.
5772 So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
5773 Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
5774 Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
5775 And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
5776 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
5777 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
5779 Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
5780 He was born in Palestine
5781 Has anybody seen my Lord?
5783 He's so cool, he's so fine
5784 Eat his bread and drink his wine
5785 Has anybody seen my Lord?
5787 He's so neat, he's so cool,
5788 Walks across my swimming pool.
5792 A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
5794 Floating idly one day through the air,
5795 A circus performer named Blair,
5796 Tied a sizeable rock,
5797 To the end of his cock,
5798 And shattered a balcony chair.
5800 Floppy now, hard later.
5802 Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
5803 to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
5804 by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
5805 bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
5806 life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
5807 gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
5808 and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
5809 Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
5810 a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
5811 appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
5815 Fond of equestrians, Mabel
5816 Looked for true love in the stable.
5817 But she found the studs,
5818 For her were all duds,
5819 Now she's out with the leg of a table.
5821 For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
5823 For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
5824 Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
5825 He's endowed with a dong
5826 That is 12 inches long,
5827 So he wedges his foot in the door.
5829 For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin
5830 to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos
5831 for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across
5832 the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. A mortal.
5833 A child ... and I'm flunking math.
5834 -- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
5835 Season 3, Episode 16
5837 For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
5838 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
5840 When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
5841 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
5843 For children, a woman.
5844 For pleasure, a boy.
5845 For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
5847 For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
5848 exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
5851 For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
5852 sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
5853 simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
5854 alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
5855 one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
5856 over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
5858 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
5861 For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
5862 That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
5865 Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
5867 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
5868 "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
5869 You have made much fine verse on
5870 Each part of my person,
5871 Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
5873 For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
5874 version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
5875 offered by Caspar Weinberger:
5877 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
5878 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
5880 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
5883 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
5885 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
5888 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
5889 foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
5892 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
5893 function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
5894 and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
5895 romances rarely work out.
5898 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
5899 chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
5900 "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
5901 "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
5902 when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
5904 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
5907 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
5908 morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
5909 have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
5912 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
5913 Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
5914 will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
5915 He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
5916 color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
5917 half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
5918 his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
5922 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
5923 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
5924 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
5927 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
5929 Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
5930 Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
5931 Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
5932 Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
5934 ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
5937 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
5938 Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
5939 Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
5940 Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
5941 La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
5942 Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
5943 ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
5944 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
5946 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
5949 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
5950 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
5951 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
5953 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
5954 got a light? (C shell)
5955 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
5956 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
5958 make "the perfect dry martini"
5959 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
5960 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
5962 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
5964 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
5965 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
5966 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
5969 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
5970 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
5971 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
5973 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
5975 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
5977 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
5978 tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
5979 live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
5981 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
5983 (b) Ask what position she played.
5984 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
5985 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
5986 if he recognizes the label.
5988 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
5990 You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
5991 your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
5992 the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
5993 to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
5994 in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
5995 his daughter. Your next move is to:
5997 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
5998 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
5999 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
6000 daughter and get her number.
6001 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
6003 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
6005 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
6006 in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
6007 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
6008 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
6009 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
6011 (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
6012 (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
6013 (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
6015 Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
6016 could go either way.
6018 Fortune's Guide to Movies:
6020 PG: The hero gets the girl.
6021 R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
6022 X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
6023 which end it will be.
6024 XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
6026 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
6028 Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
6029 and you didn't scream?
6031 Q: Does that mean you consented?
6032 A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
6034 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
6036 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
6037 you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
6038 If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
6039 you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
6040 of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
6041 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
6042 you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
6043 rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
6044 not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
6045 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
6046 "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
6047 they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
6048 don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
6049 are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
6050 scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
6051 rational discussion. (See above.)
6053 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
6055 The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
6056 recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
6057 30 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the
6058 final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
6059 the author of that memo:
6060 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
6061 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
6062 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
6063 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
6064 3: something unpleasant.
6065 The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
6066 has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
6067 electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
6068 of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
6069 the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
6070 a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
6072 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
6074 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
6076 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
6078 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
6080 Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
6081 Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
6082 shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
6083 one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
6084 us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
6085 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
6086 medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
6087 decided to have the vagina removed."
6088 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
6089 mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
6092 France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
6096 From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
6097 fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
6098 moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
6100 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
6102 There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
6103 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
6106 Fuck art; let's dance!
6110 Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
6112 Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
6114 Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
6115 It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
6116 It makes you sick, it makes you well,
6117 It turns your spine to fucking jell,
6118 It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
6121 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
6122 The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
6123 heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
6127 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
6129 Gardeners do it in raised beds.
6132 An elastic band intended to keep a woman
6133 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
6135 Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
6139 One who'd rather swish than fight.
6141 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
6142 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
6143 you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
6144 little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
6146 Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
6149 Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
6151 George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
6152 find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
6153 leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
6154 bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
6155 foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
6156 another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
6157 at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
6159 George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
6160 he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
6161 punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
6164 Where kinky sex means getting laid.
6166 "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
6167 "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
6168 "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
6169 "The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
6171 "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
6172 you'd like to go out with me!"
6174 Oh my god you little Geek!
6175 Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
6176 I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
6177 You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
6178 I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
6179 I'm too hot, too hot for you.
6180 Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
6181 I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
6182 You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
6183 Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
6184 I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
6185 But you'll only see me in you dreams.
6186 "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
6187 "Well, she didn't say no..."
6188 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
6190 GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
6192 Get your bytes from our backend!
6195 Getting an education at the University of California is like having
6196 $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
6198 Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
6199 Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
6200 But her genital area
6201 Is so vast it'll scareya,
6202 And you venture inside at your peril.
6204 Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
6206 Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
6207 Smile at her *knowingly*.
6208 Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
6209 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
6210 Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
6211 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
6212 Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
6215 "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
6217 God's gift to women strikes again.
6220 Giles: What do you want?
6221 Angelus: I want to torture you. I used to love it, it's been a long time.
6222 I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _
\bH_
\bA_
\bV_
\bE
6224 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
6225 Season 2, Episode 22
6227 Gimme that old bisexuality,
6228 Gimme that old bisexuality,
6229 Gimme that old bisexuality,
6230 'Cause it's good enough for me!
6232 It was good for David Bowie,
6233 It was good for David Bowie,
6234 It was good for David Bowie,
6235 And it's good enough for me!
6237 Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
6240 Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
6242 Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
6243 that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
6244 certain curvilinear properties.
6247 Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
6250 Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
6251 however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
6252 upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
6253 have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
6254 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
6256 Girls who throw themselves at men,
6257 are actually taking very careful aim.
6259 Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
6261 Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
6264 Give me Librium or give me Meth.
6266 Give me the Luxuries, and to Hell with the Necessities!
6269 A girl into choral sex.
6271 GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
6272 trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
6273 compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
6275 -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
6277 Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
6278 and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
6280 Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
6283 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
6285 God is a polytheist.
6289 GOD is applied POWER
6290 which is applied GOVERNMENT
6291 which is applied POLITICS
6292 which is applied ADVERTISING
6293 which is applied SOCIOLOGY
6294 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
6295 which is applied BIOLOGY
6296 which is applied CHEMISTRY
6297 which is applied PHYSICS
6298 which is applied MATH
6299 which is applied PHILOSOPHY
6300 which is applied BULLSHIT
6302 "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
6303 I knew that Santa would never lie.
6305 God is big, so don't fuck with him.
6307 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
6309 God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
6310 on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
6311 divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
6312 checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
6315 God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
6317 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
6319 God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
6321 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
6323 God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
6325 God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
6327 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
6328 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
6329 "Well, how about Mercury?"
6330 "No, it's too hot there."
6331 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
6332 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
6333 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
6334 still talking about it."
6336 God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
6337 Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
6338 will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
6339 in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
6340 for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
6341 over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
6342 turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
6343 bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
6344 impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
6345 for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
6346 without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
6347 dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
6348 (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
6349 that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
6350 expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
6352 God's plan had a great beginning,
6353 But man spoiled his chances by sinning
6354 We trust that the story
6355 Will end in God's glory
6356 But at present the other side's winning.
6358 Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
6359 is fatal to a virgin.
6360 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
6362 Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
6363 Sold in a market down in New Orleans
6364 Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
6365 Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
6367 Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
6368 Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
6370 Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
6371 Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
6372 House boy knows that he's doing alright
6373 You should a heard him just around midnight.
6375 I bet your mama was tent show queen
6376 And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
6377 I'm no school boy but I know what I like
6378 You should have heard me just around midnight.
6379 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
6381 Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
6382 "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
6383 It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
6384 Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
6385 unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
6386 the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
6387 simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
6388 Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
6392 Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
6394 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
6395 Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
6397 Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
6398 isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
6400 It's swell to have a Stiffy,
6401 it's divine to have a Dick,
6402 from the tinyest little Tadger,
6403 to the world's greatest Prick.
6405 So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
6406 Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
6408 Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
6409 your Porky or your Cock,
6410 you can wrap it up in ribbons,
6411 you can stick it in your sock!
6413 But, don't take it out in public,
6414 or they will stick you in the dock,
6415 and you won't come back.
6416 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
6419 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
6421 Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
6422 window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
6423 good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
6424 voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
6425 the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
6426 great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
6427 Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
6428 bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
6429 "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
6430 Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
6431 day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
6432 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
6433 dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
6434 Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
6435 you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
6436 asshole! I'm in the West now!"
6438 Grain grows best in shit.
6441 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
6443 Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
6446 A man who can breathe through his ears.
6448 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
6450 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
6451 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
6452 them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
6453 I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
6454 his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
6455 in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
6459 When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
6462 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
6463 slips you some tongue.
6466 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
6471 Hackers do it bottom-up.
6473 Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
6475 Hackers do it with bugs.
6477 Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
6479 Hackers have kernel knowledge.
6481 Hackers know all the right MOVs.
6484 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
6485 considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
6486 consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
6487 other animal are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's
6488 intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute....
6490 Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
6491 are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
6492 is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
6495 Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
6497 Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
6498 Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
6501 Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
6504 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
6505 when you're out of tampons.
6507 Hang gliders come down very slowly.
6510 The burden of proof.
6513 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
6515 Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
6516 to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
6517 difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
6518 former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
6519 facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
6520 historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
6524 Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
6525 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
6526 determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
6527 program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
6528 lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
6529 rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
6530 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
6531 by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
6532 could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
6533 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
6536 Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
6537 when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
6538 boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
6539 off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
6540 that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
6541 he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
6543 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
6544 Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
6545 enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
6546 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
6547 feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
6548 Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
6549 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
6550 Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
6552 Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
6553 America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
6554 difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
6555 got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
6556 by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
6557 but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
6558 attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
6559 General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
6560 up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
6563 Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
6564 President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
6568 Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
6569 uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
6570 if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
6571 laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
6572 other parts of our bodies are dumber.
6574 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
6575 mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
6576 water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
6577 is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
6578 don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
6579 damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
6580 Shirley" week after week.
6583 Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
6584 Who came to Rumania's rescue?
6585 It's a wonderful thing
6586 To be under a king--
6587 Is democracy better, I esk you?
6589 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
6590 Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
6593 But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
6595 Have you heard of the lady named Cox
6596 Who had a capacious old box?
6597 When her lover was in place
6598 She said, "Please turn your face.
6599 I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
6601 Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
6602 And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
6603 How they lift the frock
6605 Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
6607 Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
6608 Like some bright erotic star,
6609 He lights up the proceedings,
6610 And raises the temperature.
6611 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
6613 Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
6614 for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
6615 attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
6616 as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
6617 Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
6618 finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
6621 Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
6622 satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
6624 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
6625 Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
6626 the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
6627 work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
6628 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
6629 he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
6630 "Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
6631 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
6632 The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
6633 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
6634 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
6635 and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
6636 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
6638 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
6639 "What's all this beep-beep shit?"
6641 Having made a remark rather coarse,
6642 A young lady was seized with remorse;
6643 She fled from the room,
6645 Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
6648 He: Am I... am I your first?
6649 She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
6651 He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
6652 She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
6654 He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
6655 She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
6657 He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
6658 But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
6659 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
6661 He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
6662 muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
6663 But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
6665 -- An Exciting Journey
6667 He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
6669 He dove down overweighted with lead.
6670 Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
6671 He flapped and he flailed,
6672 Spit his hose and he wailed,
6673 Swallowed water and found himself dead.
6675 He drank with curvy Mable,
6676 The pace was fast and furious,
6677 He slid beneath the table,
6678 Not drunk but merely curious.
6680 He grabbed me by my slender neck,
6681 I could not call or scream.
6682 He dragged me to his tiny room,
6683 Where we could not be seen.
6684 He tore away my filmy wrap,
6685 And gazed upon my form.
6686 I so cold and frightened,
6687 While he so strong and warm.
6688 He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
6689 I gave him every drop.
6690 He drained me of my very self,
6691 I could not make him stop!
6692 And that is why you see me here,
6693 An empty, broken bottle of beer...
6695 He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
6696 So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
6697 unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
6698 do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
6699 hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
6700 "We've got her here, but only for the day."
6701 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
6702 into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
6703 cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
6704 but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
6705 that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
6706 asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
6707 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
6708 of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
6709 a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
6710 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
6712 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
6713 a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
6715 He hated to mend, so young Ned
6716 Called in a cute neighbor instead.
6717 Her husband said, "Vi,
6718 When you stitched up his torn fly,
6719 Did you have to bite off the thread?"
6721 He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
6722 Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
6723 Then his gargantuan pole in
6724 Her pink, tight, and swollen
6725 Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
6727 He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
6729 He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
6731 He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
6732 scared it'd get serious.
6734 He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
6736 He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
6737 and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
6740 He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
6741 _
\bH_
\bA_
\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
6745 He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
6747 He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
6748 damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
6750 He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
6753 He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
6754 sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
6758 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
6759 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
6762 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
6763 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
6766 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
6770 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
6771 started chiseling on his wife?
6774 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
6778 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
6779 demanded a salary on next week's advance?
6782 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
6783 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
6786 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
6790 the careless canary that did it for a lark?
6793 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
6796 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
6797 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
6800 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
6803 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
6807 the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't
6808 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
6811 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
6812 everybody in the joint?
6815 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
6816 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
6819 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
6820 next morning found she was six months pregnant?
6823 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
6827 the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
6828 her between the limbs?
6831 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
6834 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
6835 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
6838 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
6841 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
6844 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
6845 delinquency of a major?
6848 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
6852 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
6853 education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
6856 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
6857 then his wife didn't leave town?
6860 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
6861 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
6864 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
6868 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
6869 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
6872 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
6873 such a sweet liquor?
6876 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
6880 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
6883 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
6887 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
6888 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
6891 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
6892 he'd never be able to face his girl again?
6895 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
6898 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
6901 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
6902 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
6905 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
6906 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
6909 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
6912 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
6913 a lot more than letters behind the files?
6916 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
6917 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
6920 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
6924 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
6925 Palm Sunday, of course.
6928 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
6929 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
6932 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
6933 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
6936 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
6937 and they eat each other.
6940 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
6941 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
6944 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
6945 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
6948 the new rule at the girls' school?
6949 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
6952 the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
6953 it makes men cocky and women lay better?
6956 the nurse they thought had drowned
6957 until they found her under the doc?
6960 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
6963 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
6966 the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
6969 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
6970 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
6973 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
6974 without getting any mail in her box?
6977 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
6978 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
6981 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
6982 someone would grab his seat?
6985 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
6988 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
6991 the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
6994 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
6998 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
7002 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
7003 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
7006 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
7007 feel like a new man?
7010 the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
7011 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
7014 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
7015 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
7016 she's a wonderful mount?
7019 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
7020 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
7023 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
7024 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
7027 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
7028 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
7032 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
7033 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
7036 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
7037 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
7040 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
7041 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
7044 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
7045 version -- with nuts of course?
7047 Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
7048 Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
7050 He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
7051 They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
7052 So he put Spanish fly
7053 In their pudding and pie
7054 And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
7056 Heisenberg may have done it.
7058 "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
7059 "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
7060 It's not that I funk
7061 At a mouthful of spunk,
7062 But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
7065 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
7066 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
7067 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
7069 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
7070 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
7071 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
7072 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
7074 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
7075 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
7076 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
7077 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
7079 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
7080 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
7081 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
7082 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
7083 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
7085 Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
7088 Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
7091 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
7093 Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
7094 Could rotate his pecker, and then
7095 He would shoot through his rear
7097 Of the girls, and the envy of men.
7099 Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
7100 Had morals the city might soften.
7101 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
7102 Are you living in sin?"
7103 Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
7105 Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
7109 Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
7111 Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
7112 Just gave birth to another Texan.
7114 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
7115 the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
7116 Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
7117 pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
7118 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
7119 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
7120 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
7121 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
7122 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
7123 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
7124 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
7125 it because the court was going to take a nap.
7126 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
7128 Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
7129 The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
7130 He spent his life in a futile hunt,
7131 To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
7132 And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
7133 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
7135 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
7136 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
7138 * Governmental offices
7143 * Parts of Palm Beach
7145 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
7146 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
7148 Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
7149 She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
7150 She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
7151 She has the box the cherry came in.
7153 Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
7154 She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
7155 She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
7156 She makes things stand that have no feet.
7158 Here's to the girl that's sweet,
7159 Here's to the girl that's true,
7160 Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
7162 In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
7163 the rest of the night?
7165 Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
7166 she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
7167 she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
7168 can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
7170 Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
7175 A man who'd rather get off by himself.
7178 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
7181 He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
7182 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
7184 He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
7185 read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
7187 He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
7188 he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
7190 He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
7191 ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
7192 stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
7193 him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
7194 He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
7195 this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
7196 Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
7197 processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
7198 longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
7200 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
7204 How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
7206 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7207 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
7208 become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
7209 like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
7210 They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
7211 today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
7212 male or female edition.
7214 HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7215 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
7216 Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
7217 for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
7219 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7220 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
7221 oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
7223 Hickory Dickory Dock,
7224 Three mice ran up a clock!
7225 The clock struck one,
7228 There was an old woman,
7229 Who lived in a shoe,
7230 Who had so many children,
7231 Her uterus fell right out.
7233 Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
7234 Yale University Extracurricular
7235 Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
7236 Opened its door. Fun is in store.
7238 Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
7240 His shy bride admitted to Crandall
7241 That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
7242 But a cock like his dick
7243 Gave her ten times the kick,
7244 Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
7246 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
7247 i.e., none to speak of.
7250 Home is where the hurt is.
7253 Honest, officer, had I known my health was
7254 in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
7257 Almost as good as in 'er.
7260 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
7262 Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
7263 Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
7264 weak sister to be shored up.
7267 HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
7270 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
7271 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
7272 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
7273 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
7274 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
7275 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
7276 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
7277 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
7280 How can you say that the world isn't
7281 Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
7283 How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
7285 How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
7286 government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
7287 gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
7288 lucky to escape with our skins!
7290 How should they answer?
7291 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
7292 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
7294 How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
7295 Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
7297 HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
7298 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
7299 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
7300 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
7303 Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
7306 Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
7308 Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
7309 bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
7311 Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
7314 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
7316 I am an atheist, thank God!
7318 I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
7319 once was ... an arctic wilderness
7322 I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
7323 You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
7324 going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
7325 you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
7326 a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
7327 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach
7329 I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
7330 perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
7331 too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
7332 the one immortal blemish of mankind.
7333 -- Fredrich Nietzsche
7335 I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
7336 I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
7337 just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
7338 about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
7339 hand on the nuclear button."
7342 I came; I saw; I fucked up.
7344 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
7345 dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
7346 and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
7349 I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
7350 afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
7353 I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
7356 I choked Linda Lovelace.
7358 I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
7359 but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
7360 and wallowing in its odor.
7363 I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
7364 here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
7365 rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
7366 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
7367 absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
7368 -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
7369 Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
7370 & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
7371 began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
7372 Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
7373 they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
7374 Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
7375 Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
7376 week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
7377 Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
7378 -- William Cobbett, British journalist
7380 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
7381 Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
7382 I replied, "Simple shagging
7384 Is only for screwing canoeing."
7386 "I do love a lay every day,
7387 So whenever you're coming this way
7388 Just phone in advance
7389 And I'll jerk off my pants,
7390 And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
7392 I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
7394 I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
7397 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
7399 I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
7400 them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
7404 I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
7405 money and all the pussy.
7406 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
7408 I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
7409 -- The Undergraduate
7411 I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
7412 I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
7413 If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
7414 Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
7415 My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
7417 Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
7418 Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
7419 When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
7420 With You Is the Pits
7421 I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
7422 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
7424 "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
7425 marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
7427 I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
7428 one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
7430 I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
7431 It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
7434 I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
7435 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
7436 I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
7437 And she replied, "A Stetson."
7439 "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
7440 sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
7443 I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
7444 Italians -- they're so Jewish.
7447 I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
7451 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
7452 years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
7456 I have a funny daddy
7457 Who goes in and out with me
7458 And everything that baby does
7459 Daddy's sure to see,
7460 And everything that baby says,
7461 My daddy's sure to tell.
7462 You _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt have read my daddy's verse.
7463 I hope he fries in Hell.
7466 "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
7467 the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
7468 the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
7469 it was enough to make a blown man cry."
7471 I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
7474 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
7475 take our fill of love until the morning.
7478 I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
7479 but when I tried it I kept falling off.
7481 I knew Leo G. Carrol
7483 When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
7484 And I really got hot
7485 When I saw Jeanette Scott
7486 Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
7488 Science fiction, double feature
7489 Doctor X will build a creature.
7490 See androids fighting Brad and Janet
7491 Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
7493 At the late night, double feature, picture show.
7494 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
7496 I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
7498 He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
7501 I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
7503 She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
7506 I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
7508 She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
7512 I know of a fortunate Hindu
7513 Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
7514 By the ladies he knows,
7515 Who are thrilled to the toes
7516 By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
7518 I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
7519 Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
7520 -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
7522 I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
7523 an Englishman in the dark.
7526 I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
7528 I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
7529 is to bring a New Yorker home first.
7531 I met a young man in Chungking
7532 Who had a very long thing --
7533 But you'll guess my surprise
7534 When I found that its size
7535 Just measured a third-finger ring!
7537 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
7538 into my neighborhood after dark.
7541 I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
7545 I never had Miss Defauw,
7546 But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
7547 If she'd only said "No"
7548 When I wanted her so;
7549 But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
7551 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
7553 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
7554 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
7556 I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
7557 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
7559 I once had the wife of a Dean
7560 Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
7561 She remarked with some gaiety,
7562 "Not bad for the laiety,
7563 Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
7565 I once met a lassie named Ruth
7566 In a long distance telephone booth.
7567 Now I know the perfection
7568 Of an ideal connection
7569 Even if somewhat uncouth.
7571 I once was annoyed by a queer
7572 Who made his intentions quite clear.
7573 Said I, "I'm no prude,
7574 So don't think me rude,
7575 But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
7580 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
7582 I own my own body, but I share.
7584 I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
7585 bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
7586 as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
7587 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
7589 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
7590 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
7591 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
7592 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
7593 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
7594 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
7596 I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
7597 oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
7601 I shot a query into the net.
7602 I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
7603 But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
7604 And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
7605 Don't send such drivel overseas;
7606 A lawyer sent me private mail
7607 And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
7608 I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
7609 And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
7610 And criticized my writing style.
7611 Each day I scan each Subject line
7612 In hopes the topic will be mine;
7613 I shot a query into the net.
7614 I haven't got an answer yet...
7617 I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
7618 with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
7621 I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
7624 I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
7625 that has ever happened, and vice versa.
7628 I think the Mormon prophet
7629 Was a very funny man.
7630 I wonder how his wives enjoyed
7631 His Prophet Sharing Plan.
7633 I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
7636 I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
7637 had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
7638 dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
7639 from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
7640 Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
7641 with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
7642 them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
7643 an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
7644 of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
7645 to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
7646 What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
7647 Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
7648 the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
7649 of an Untenured Professor?
7650 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
7652 I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
7653 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
7655 I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
7658 I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
7660 I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
7661 I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
7664 I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
7666 I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
7667 by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
7668 about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
7669 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
7670 two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
7671 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
7672 dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
7673 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
7674 that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
7675 call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
7677 I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
7678 a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
7680 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7682 I wish I was a fascinating lady
7683 With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
7684 I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
7685 I'd live in a house with a little red light
7686 And once a month I'd take a small vacation
7687 And leave all the men to their imagination
7688 And once in a while I'd go all wild
7689 And have myself an illegitimate child
7690 I wish I were a fascinating lady
7691 Instead I'm the minister's child
7693 I wish that my room had a floor;
7694 I don't so much care for a door,
7695 But this walking around
7696 Without touching the ground
7697 Is getting to be quite a bore!
7700 I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
7701 Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
7702 I wonder can she tell
7703 That I've been raising hell;
7704 Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
7706 My wife is just as nice as can be,
7707 I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
7708 For an afternoon of joy,
7709 Is hell on the old boy,
7710 I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
7712 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
7713 I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
7714 She said it was crude
7715 To be wooed in the nude--
7716 I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
7718 I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
7719 I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
7720 And in all my lewd life
7721 I've met none like your wife,
7722 So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
7724 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
7725 going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
7726 your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
7730 I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
7732 I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
7733 scares the shit out of me.
7736 I'd like to give the world a hug
7737 And tell it jokes and stuff
7738 And pull its pants down to its knees
7739 And chase it through the rough
7741 Then tie it up with bonds and straps
7742 And search its purse for change
7743 Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
7744 With our cousin who's deranged ...
7745 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
7747 I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
7750 I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
7752 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
7754 I'd rather have fingers than toes,
7755 I'd rather have ears than a nose,
7756 And a happy erection
7757 Brought just to perfection
7758 Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
7760 I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
7762 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
7763 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
7765 If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
7769 If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
7770 showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
7771 corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
7774 If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
7775 does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
7777 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
7778 James Watt's office.
7779 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
7781 If continence causes neurosis
7782 And intercourse causes thrombosis
7785 Than live in a state of psychosis.
7787 If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
7789 If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
7790 He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
7792 If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
7794 If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
7797 If God had wanted people to give blow
7798 jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
7800 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
7803 If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
7804 would He have made it look like a taco?
7806 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
7808 If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
7810 If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
7813 If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
7814 In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
7815 If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
7816 I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
7817 If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
7818 Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
7819 I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
7820 I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
7822 I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
7823 I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
7824 I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
7825 I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
7826 If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
7827 Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
7828 I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
7829 Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
7831 A penis to plunder, a penis to push
7832 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
7833 A penis to love me, a penis to share,
7834 To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
7835 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
7837 If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
7838 -- Tommy Earl Bruner
7840 If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
7841 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7843 If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
7845 If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
7847 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
7849 If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
7851 If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
7853 If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
7855 If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
7857 -- Diogenes the Cynic
7859 If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
7862 If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
7864 If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
7865 suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
7866 fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
7867 only two went back to women.
7870 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
7871 and never be our destiny.
7872 -- Ren'
\be de Visme Williamson
7874 If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
7875 If they can, then fuck 'em.
7877 If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
7878 If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
7880 If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
7882 If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
7885 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
7887 The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
7888 don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
7889 addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
7890 following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
7892 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
7894 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
7895 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
7896 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
7898 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
7899 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
7901 Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
7902 studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
7903 done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
7904 of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
7906 If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
7908 If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
7910 If you find for your verse there's no call,
7911 And you can't afford paper at all,
7912 For the true poet born,
7914 There is always the lavat'ry wall.
7916 If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
7917 me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
7918 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
7919 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
7921 If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
7924 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
7925 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
7927 If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
7929 If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
7931 If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
7932 Employ first-order predicate calculus.
7933 With sufficient formality,
7934 The sheerest banality,
7935 Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
7937 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
7941 If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
7942 abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
7944 If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
7945 town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
7946 screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
7947 ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
7951 If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
7952 in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
7953 friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
7954 like one or the other of you planned.
7956 If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
7957 when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
7959 If you're speaking of actions immoral
7960 The how about giving the laurel
7961 To doughty Queen Esther,
7962 No three men could best her --
7963 One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
7965 Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
7968 Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
7969 D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
7970 Il la mene chaque soir
7972 Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
7975 Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
7976 Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
7977 Il dit:"quant a' moi,
7978 Je deteste tous les trois,
7979 Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
7981 Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
7982 Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
7984 J'entends quelqu'un venait."
7985 Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
7987 Il y avait une madame de Lahore
7988 Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
7989 Mais la vagine tres forte,
7990 Toujours ouverte la porte,
7991 Encore, et encore, et encore.
7993 I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
7994 -- Rodney Dangerfield
7996 I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
7997 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
7999 I'm a lover not a dancer!
8000 I'm a lover not a dancer!
8001 Don't want to be on my feet,
8002 When I can be on my back,
8003 Don't want to be on the floor,
8004 When I can be in the sack!
8005 I'm a lover not a dancer!
8006 I'm a lover not a dancer!
8007 I'm just a little bit tired
8008 If you know what I mean,
8009 Don't want to be in a crowd
8010 When I can be in a dream!
8011 I'm a lover not a dancer!
8013 And, baby, let me prove it to you,
8014 Baby, let me prove it to you!
8015 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
8017 I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
8018 -- Martin Cruz Smith
8020 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
8021 "I've just had a good war."
8024 I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
8025 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
8028 Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
8032 I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
8033 it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
8034 government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
8037 I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
8040 I'm not a pheasant plucker,
8041 I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
8042 I'm just a'plucking pheasants
8043 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
8046 I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.
8049 I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
8050 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
8052 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
8053 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop
8055 She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
8056 -- Song title by Jerry Reed
8058 When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
8059 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard
8061 I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
8062 -- Unattributed song title
8064 Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
8065 -- Unattributed song title
8067 I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
8068 girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
8069 like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
8072 I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
8074 Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
8075 I'm getting WARM....
8077 I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
8080 Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
8081 couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
8083 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
8084 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
8085 David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
8086 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
8087 There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
8088 Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
8090 John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
8091 On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
8092 Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
8093 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
8094 Hobbes was fond of his dram,
8095 And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
8096 Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
8097 A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
8098 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
8101 Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
8103 In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
8104 what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
8105 Finally they decide:
8106 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
8107 bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
8108 Finally a telegram comes back:
8109 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
8111 In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
8112 chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
8113 principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
8116 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
8117 Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
8118 His wife said, "Oh, stuff
8119 That philosophy guff
8120 Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
8122 In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
8123 reality at any point.
8124 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
8126 In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
8127 Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
8128 with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
8129 Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
8130 soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
8133 In days of old, when knights were bold,
8134 And rubbers weren't invented,
8135 They tied their socks around their cocks
8136 And babies were prevented.
8138 In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
8139 Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
8140 But this lubricant lapse
8141 Isn't noticed, perhaps
8142 Because nobody does in Duluth.
8144 In France they piss on Main Street
8145 (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
8148 In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
8149 its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
8151 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
8152 Was the first time I ever laid down,
8153 I was both proud and shy
8154 As he opened his fly
8155 And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
8157 Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
8158 As it went in I made not a sound,
8159 The more that he shoved it
8160 The more that I loved it,
8161 As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
8163 In my sweet little night gown of blue,
8164 On the first night that I slept with you,
8165 I was both shy and scared
8166 As the bed was prepared,
8167 And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
8169 As we both watched the break of day,
8170 And in peaceful submission I lay,
8171 You said you adored it
8172 But dammit, you tore it,
8173 My sweet little night gown of blue.
8175 In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
8176 -- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
8177 Season 3, Episode 16
8179 In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
8181 In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
8182 he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
8183 has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
8184 that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
8186 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
8188 In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
8189 Massaging the bust of his madam,
8190 He chuckled with mirth,
8191 For he knew that on earth,
8192 There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
8194 In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
8195 beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
8196 evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
8197 evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
8198 the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
8199 bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
8200 "Didn't you forget something?"
8201 "What did I forget?" asked the officer.
8202 "You forgot about the money," said the lady.
8203 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
8204 "A Polish officer never accepts money."
8206 In the shade of the old apple tree
8207 Where between her fat legs I could see
8209 With the hair in a knot,
8210 And it certainly looked good to me.
8212 I asked as I tickled her tit
8213 If she thought that my big thing would fit.
8214 She said it would do
8215 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
8216 In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
8217 In the soft dewy grass
8218 I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
8219 As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
8221 But you should have seen mine
8222 In the shade of the old apple tree.
8224 In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
8225 kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
8226 kissing him on the balls.
8227 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
8230 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
8233 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
8234 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
8236 ====================
8242 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
8243 her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
8246 ====================
8252 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
8253 more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
8255 Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
8256 someone writes `bible thumpers?'
8257 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
8259 Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
8260 fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
8262 Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
8263 the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
8264 cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
8265 a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
8266 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
8267 When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
8268 in second," Palmer replied.
8269 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
8270 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
8272 It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
8273 classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
8275 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
8276 it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
8277 into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
8280 It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
8282 It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
8284 It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
8285 general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
8287 It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
8289 It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
8290 Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
8292 -- Winston Churchill
8294 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
8295 damn thing over and over.
8296 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8298 It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
8299 You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
8301 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
8302 to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
8305 It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
8306 could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
8307 broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
8310 It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
8311 war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
8312 teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
8313 to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
8314 mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
8315 the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
8316 means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
8318 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
8319 registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
8320 fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
8321 startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
8322 finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
8323 his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
8324 was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
8325 all of us foolishly licked that finger.
8326 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
8327 principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
8328 We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
8329 anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
8330 continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
8331 licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
8333 It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
8334 if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
8335 Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
8336 but there's just no way for us to know it.
8337 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
8339 It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
8341 It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
8342 very unfortunate place to have it.
8343 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
8345 It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
8346 god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
8349 It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
8350 sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
8351 of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
8352 "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
8353 a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
8354 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
8355 the apparent miracle.
8356 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
8357 moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
8359 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
8360 beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
8361 teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
8362 AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
8363 they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
8364 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
8365 shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
8366 lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
8367 the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
8370 It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
8371 immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
8372 on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
8373 day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
8375 It seems that John gets this phone call:
8376 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
8378 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
8380 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
8381 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
8382 we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
8383 and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
8384 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
8385 he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
8387 It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
8388 was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
8389 a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
8390 forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
8391 from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
8392 but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
8393 Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
8394 the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
8395 gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
8396 even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
8397 pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
8398 he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
8399 forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
8400 lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
8401 Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
8402 upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
8403 the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
8404 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
8406 It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
8407 Especially in a paternity hearing.
8409 It takes leather balls to play rugby.
8410 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
8412 It takes little strain and no art
8413 To bang out an echoing fart.
8414 The reaction is hearty
8415 When you fart at a party,
8416 But the sensitive persons depart.
8418 It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
8419 They can kiss that shit goodbye.
8421 It was a female that drove me to drink
8422 and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
8425 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
8426 Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
8428 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
8430 It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
8431 They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
8432 the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
8433 excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
8434 off and we'll see what he does?"
8435 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
8436 off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
8437 jumping up and down.
8438 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
8439 your clothes and we'll see what he does."
8440 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
8441 really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
8442 in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
8443 the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
8444 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
8446 It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
8447 frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
8448 bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
8449 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
8451 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
8452 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
8453 at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
8455 "Vinegar and water."
8457 It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
8458 gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
8459 line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
8460 Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
8462 "Just fair," was the answer.
8463 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
8465 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
8467 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
8468 you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
8469 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
8470 I'm a tit mouse myself."
8472 It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
8473 their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
8474 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
8475 married three times."
8476 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
8477 and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
8478 of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
8479 third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
8480 would be up in 15 minutes.
8482 It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
8483 trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
8484 knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
8485 in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
8486 Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
8487 the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
8488 "Tell us a story," begged Mary.
8489 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
8490 her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
8491 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
8492 "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
8494 It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
8495 not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
8496 written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
8497 a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
8498 the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
8499 myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
8500 my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
8501 where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
8502 was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
8503 our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
8504 oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
8505 would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
8506 her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
8507 don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
8508 because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
8509 good things in your life.
8510 -- Stephen King, "The Body"
8512 It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
8513 was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
8514 upperclassman, he inquired,
8515 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
8516 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
8517 sentences with a preposition."
8518 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
8521 It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
8522 huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
8523 jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
8524 have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
8525 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
8527 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
8529 It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
8533 It's a bitch being butch.
8535 It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
8536 on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
8538 It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
8539 I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
8540 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
8541 of older women versus younger women
8543 "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
8544 in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
8545 soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
8547 It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who
8551 It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
8553 It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
8555 It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
8556 20-year-old son comes in.
8558 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
8559 bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
8560 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
8561 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
8562 chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
8563 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
8564 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
8566 "Papa, we're not Italian."
8568 It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
8571 It's not pretty being easy.
8573 It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
8575 It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
8577 It's the sighs that count.
8579 I've been feeling kind of jealous,
8580 Of all them well-hung fellas,
8581 Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
8582 Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
8583 I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
8584 If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
8585 They would turn on to my hardon --
8586 If I only had a cock.
8587 Oh, I can tell you now,
8588 The number of times I'd score,
8589 I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
8590 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
8591 And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
8592 And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
8593 Life would be a ding-a-derry
8594 If I only had a dong!
8595 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
8597 I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
8598 on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
8599 were more than enough.
8601 I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
8602 and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
8603 to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
8604 gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
8605 The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
8606 the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
8607 maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
8608 weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
8609 four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
8610 in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
8611 Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
8612 have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
8613 Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
8617 I've finally found the perfect girl,
8618 I couldn't ask for more,
8619 She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
8620 And owns a liquor store.
8622 I've got my ANSI C Reference book right here but it doesn't say anything
8623 about getting raped in the ass as part of the official C language (maybe
8624 I should get a C++ reference manual).
8627 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
8628 watch him have another.
8631 Jack an Jill went up the hill.
8635 Jack and Jill went up a hill
8636 To fetch a pail of water.
8637 Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
8638 And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
8639 Then went down and told the town
8640 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
8641 Jack to Jill thus did such ill
8642 That Jill, to pay the rotter,
8643 Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
8644 When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
8645 Half the town deals Jill a frown
8646 And half greets Jack with laughter.
8648 Jack and Jill went up the hill
8649 Each had a buck and a quarter.
8650 Jill came down with two-fifty
8652 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
8654 Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
8655 Jack jumped over the candle stick,
8656 And burnt his balls.
8658 Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
8659 Jack jumped over the candle stick.
8660 But Jack wasn't so nimble,
8661 Jack wasn't so quick,
8662 So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
8664 Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
8666 Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
8668 Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
8669 and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
8670 among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
8671 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
8672 Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
8673 I'm trying to make a point, here!"
8675 Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
8677 Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
8678 -- Michael O'Donohugh
8682 (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
8684 Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!
8689 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
8691 Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
8693 Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
8694 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year"
8696 Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
8697 on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
8698 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
8699 women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
8700 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
8701 "Do we have time?" Hart asked.
8702 "Do we have time?" Biden asked.
8703 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
8705 Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
8708 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
8711 John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
8712 his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
8713 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
8716 Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
8717 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
8718 over to the side of the road.
8720 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
8721 a prompt, type like hell.
8723 Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
8724 blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
8725 like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
8726 or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
8727 came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
8728 nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
8729 crucified in the morning.
8730 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
8732 Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
8733 are scared and the women are grateful.
8736 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
8737 one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
8738 groats"? *_
\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that
8739 doesn't help *_
\by_
\bo_
\bu* much.
8740 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
8742 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
8743 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
8744 for the students, and parking for the faculty.
8746 Kill a commie for Christ!
8748 King Louis gave a lesson in class,
8749 One time while enjoying a lass.
8750 When she used the word "Damn"
8751 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
8752 Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
8754 Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
8755 sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
8756 for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
8759 Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
8760 tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
8761 take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
8762 get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
8764 Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
8765 writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
8766 but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
8767 that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
8770 The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
8771 her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
8772 then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
8773 cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
8775 -- Kitten With A Whip
8777 Knowledge Engineering:
8782 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
8783 of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
8784 structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
8791 See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
8793 Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
8794 fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
8795 species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
8796 or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
8797 threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
8798 in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
8799 most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
8800 such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
8801 flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
8802 raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
8803 hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
8804 meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
8805 went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
8806 into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
8807 grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
8808 left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
8809 intention movements, that is.
8810 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science
8813 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
8816 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
8817 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
8818 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
8819 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
8820 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
8823 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
8824 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
8829 Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
8830 Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
8831 Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
8832 Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
8835 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
8837 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
8838 all will end as doves.
8840 Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
8842 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
8843 "In a long-distance telephone booth,
8844 I enjoyed the perfection
8845 Of an ideal connection --
8846 I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
8848 Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
8851 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
8854 Lawyers do it to everyone.
8856 Left a good broad by the river,
8857 Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
8858 Waited for 10 hours,
8859 Went back to the river,
8860 But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
8863 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
8864 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
8865 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
8867 If you're gonna run for office,
8868 And you know that it's an election year.
8869 Don't go in the river,
8870 'Specially by way of bridges,
8871 It could put an end to your political career!
8873 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
8875 Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million
8876 black people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name "Custer"
8877 mean anything to you?
8878 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to
8879 Prime Minister Botha of South Africa.
8881 Les salons de la ville de Trieste
8882 Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
8883 Parmi les grandes chaises
8884 On cause des malaises,
8885 Des estropiements, et des pestes.
8888 Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
8890 LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
8892 So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
8894 Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
8895 disqualified from entering.
8896 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
8897 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
8898 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
8899 They *must* be wrong!"
8900 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
8901 parakeet with black trim."
8902 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
8903 replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
8905 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
8906 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
8907 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
8908 employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
8909 prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
8913 Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
8915 Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
8916 It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
8918 Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
8919 -- Rodney Dangerfield
8921 Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
8922 in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
8924 Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
8925 hard you get fucked.
8927 Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
8928 you have, the less shit you have to eat.
8930 Life is not a cabaret.
8931 It's a fucking circus.
8933 Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
8935 Like private parts to the Gods are we,
8936 they play with us for their sport.
8937 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
8939 Limericks are art forms complex,
8940 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
8941 They usually have virgins,
8942 And masculine urgin's,
8943 And other erotic effects.
8945 Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
8946 Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
8947 Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
8948 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
8949 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
8953 ... do it with tail recursion.
8954 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
8955 ... have DEFUN while doing it.
8956 ... have Moby dicks.
8958 Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it)....
8960 Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
8962 Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money.
8963 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
8965 LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
8966 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
8967 experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
8968 cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
8969 with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
8970 By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
8971 for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
8972 or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
8973 with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
8974 eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
8975 to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
8976 intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
8979 Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
8980 told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
8981 hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
8982 morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
8984 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
8985 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
8986 your prayers have been answered."
8987 Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
8988 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
8989 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
8991 Little Johnny with a grin,
8992 Drank up all of daddy's gin,
8993 Mother said, when he was plastered,
8994 Go to bed, you little love-child.
8996 Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
8997 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
8998 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
9000 Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
9001 Eating her curds and whey.
9002 Along came a spider,
9003 And bit her right in the snatch.
9005 Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
9006 Eating her curds and whey.
9007 Along came a spider,
9008 Who sat down beside her,
9009 And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"
9010 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
9012 Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
9013 Her knickers all tattered and torn.
9014 For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
9015 But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
9020 Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
9021 And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
9023 Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
9024 her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
9025 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
9026 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
9027 "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
9029 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
9030 fruits and nuts is flakes.
9032 Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
9033 When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
9034 raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
9035 distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
9036 stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
9037 black hat and a red neckerchief.
9038 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
9039 He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
9040 dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
9041 had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
9042 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
9043 horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
9044 with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
9045 this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
9046 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
9047 house and rustled my cattle?"
9048 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
9049 "You better cut that shit out!"
9051 Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
9054 The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
9055 was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
9058 Love comes in spurts.
9059 --Devo, "Please Please"
9061 Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
9063 Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
9066 Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
9068 Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
9070 Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
9071 twang of a bedspring.
9074 Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
9077 Love letters no longer they write us,
9078 To their homes they so seldom invite us.
9079 It grieves me to say,
9080 They have learned with dismay,
9081 We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
9084 Someone who picks up a female
9085 hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
9087 Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
9090 Jogging home from a vasectomy.
9093 Life support system for a cock.
9096 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
9098 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
9099 any of the other stalls either.
9106 You got change for a ten?
9108 Man who dance in crowded ballroom
9109 dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
9111 Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
9113 Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
9114 Some say not even indecent.
9118 Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
9120 Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
9121 because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
9122 satisfaction of his death.
9125 Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
9126 not have chosen a suit by it.
9127 -- Maurice Chevalier
9129 Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
9133 Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
9134 a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
9136 Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
9137 is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
9140 Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
9141 But she can never catch him at it.
9143 Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
9145 Many nice things suck.
9147 Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
9148 at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
9151 Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
9152 She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
9153 If you want to get laid,
9154 Then we'll have to tribade!"
9155 (But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
9157 Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
9160 Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
9162 -- Professor Irwin Corey
9164 Mary had a little lamb,
9165 boy was the doctor surprised!
9167 Mary had a little lamb,
9168 It's fleece as white as snow.
9169 It followed her to school one day,
9170 And got fucked by a big black dog.
9172 Mary had a little lamb,
9173 She kept it in a bucket.
9174 And every time she let it out,
9176 Chase it around the garden.
9178 Mary had a little sheep,
9179 And with the sheep she went to sleep,
9180 The sheep turned out to be a ram,
9181 And Mary had a little lamb.
9183 Mary had a little watch;
9184 She swallowed it one day.
9185 And so she took some Ex-Lax
9186 To pass the time away.
9188 But when she took the Ex-Lax
9189 The time it did not pass.
9190 So when you want to know the time,
9191 Just look up Mary's ...
9192 Uncle, he has a watch, too.
9194 Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
9198 A self-service elevator.
9203 Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
9205 Mathematicians do it in groups.
9207 Mathematicians do it in theory.
9209 Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
9211 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
9213 May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
9214 take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
9216 May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
9218 May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
9220 May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
9222 May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
9224 May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
9226 Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
9227 opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
9229 Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
9230 nativity scene removed:
9231 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
9232 and a virgin in the whole organization."
9234 McCoy's a seducer galore,
9235 And of virgins he has quite a score.
9236 He tells them, "My dear,
9237 You're the Final Frontier,
9238 Where man never has gone before."
9240 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
9241 If an item is advertised as "under $50",
9242 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
9244 McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
9245 the passengers who were injured.
9246 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
9247 the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
9248 think when you saw this happen ?"
9249 "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
9252 Me father makes book on the corner,
9253 Me mother makes second hand gin,
9254 Me sister makes love for a dollar,
9255 And that's how the money rolls in!
9257 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
9259 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
9261 Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
9262 Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
9263 Me sister performs the abortions,
9264 And that's how the money rolls in!
9266 Me uncle's a poor missionary,
9267 He saves fallen women from sin.
9268 He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
9269 And that's how the money rolls in.
9271 Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
9272 of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
9273 are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
9275 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
9277 Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
9279 Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
9280 they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
9281 And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
9282 as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
9284 Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
9285 Afflicted with psychotic warps.
9288 And then vomit all over the corpse.
9290 Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
9291 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
9293 (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
9295 Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
9297 Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
9298 'em by the curb when you're done.
9300 Men have many faults,
9302 Everything they say,
9303 And everything they do!
9309 Using both hands to masturbate.
9311 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
9312 also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
9313 body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
9314 should not be seen by the light of day.
9315 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
9317 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
9318 has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
9319 closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
9320 the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
9322 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
9323 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
9324 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
9326 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
9327 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
9328 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
9329 interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
9330 skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
9331 who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
9332 views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
9333 much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
9337 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
9339 Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
9340 the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
9341 with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
9343 Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
9345 Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
9346 Mickey: Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
9349 Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
9350 wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
9352 Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
9353 testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
9356 Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass?
9358 Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high!
9359 -- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
9360 "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
9362 Missed the train at the railway station
9363 Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
9364 Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
9365 She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
9367 Missionary Position:
9368 The missionary on top.
9370 Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
9371 How does your garden grow?
9372 With silver bells and cockle shells,
9373 And one really fucked-up petunia.
9376 Something between a mister and a mattress.
9379 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
9380 in your brand new Mercedes.
9383 Where men are men and women are sheep.
9385 Moody bitch in search of...
9386 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
9388 Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
9389 good-looking guy to dump on.
9391 Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
9392 blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
9393 tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
9394 His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
9395 the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
9396 her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
9397 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
9398 for breakfast tomorrow."
9400 Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
9401 boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
9403 Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
9405 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
9408 Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
9410 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
9412 Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
9414 Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
9415 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
9416 stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
9418 Moustache rides, 50 cents.
9420 Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
9422 Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
9423 problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
9424 time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
9425 that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
9426 his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
9427 couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
9428 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
9429 had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
9430 took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
9431 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
9432 started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
9433 door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
9434 tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
9435 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
9436 and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
9437 Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
9438 arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
9440 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
9441 chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
9443 Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
9444 Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
9445 When he's under the weather
9446 They can't get together,
9447 So others get into her box.
9450 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
9451 to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
9452 everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
9453 months later, you're in trouble!
9455 Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
9456 fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
9457 understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
9458 being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
9459 they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
9460 things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
9461 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
9462 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
9463 of AIDS, book reveals"
9465 My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
9467 -- William Allen White
9469 My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
9470 with his head stuck up his ass.
9472 "My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would
9473 think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying,
9474 "My mother, drunk or sober."
9477 My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
9478 in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
9479 Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
9482 My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
9483 family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
9484 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
9486 My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
9488 My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
9489 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
9491 My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
9495 My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
9496 -- Rodney Dangerfield
9498 My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
9501 My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
9502 came home early from work and found us in bed together.
9505 My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
9506 vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
9507 quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
9508 paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
9509 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
9510 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
9511 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
9512 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
9513 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
9514 cannonball on the stomach.
9516 My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
9517 want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
9518 to screw again as long as I live.
9521 My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
9523 My travel agent's an Oxford chap
9524 Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
9525 I asked him about the Isle of Man
9526 For a journey of about six weeks.
9527 And this is what he said to me
9528 As he looked me right in the eye,
9529 "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
9530 Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
9532 A brand-new store just opened its door
9533 At the corner of 5th and Vine
9534 And I happened to be standing right outside
9535 When they turned on their neon sign.
9536 I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
9537 And that's when I almost died,
9538 They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
9539 To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
9541 "My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
9542 I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
9543 The ship was all white
9544 But it creaked in the night,
9545 And the band, they did not know la java."
9548 My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
9549 She's up to three packs a day.
9550 -- Rodney Dangerfield
9552 My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
9556 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
9558 Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
9559 naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
9560 sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
9563 Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
9564 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
9566 Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
9567 seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
9569 National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
9572 A place to stash your gum on the way down.
9574 Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
9575 Watch who you sleep with.
9584 Dropping in for a cold one.
9586 Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
9588 Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
9591 Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
9593 New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
9595 New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
9596 it's the asshole of the universe.
9597 -- Jonathan Michael Smith
9600 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
9603 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
9604 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
9605 and weekends. I'm sorry.
9607 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
9609 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
9613 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
9614 predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
9615 of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
9616 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
9617 expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
9618 to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
9619 than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
9620 living in Stenton, North Dakota.
9622 Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
9623 Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
9624 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
9626 Nice computers don't go down.
9628 Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
9630 Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
9631 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
9632 so the lid won't stay up.
9633 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
9634 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
9635 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
9636 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
9637 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
9638 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
9639 or speculate about your next one.
9640 7: A taco will never make a scene because
9641 there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
9642 8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9643 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
9645 Ninety percent of everything is crap.
9646 -- Theodore Sturgeon
9648 No matter how clever the hardware boys
9649 are, the software boys piss it away.
9651 No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
9654 No one is listening until you fart.
9656 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
9657 she will or will not be a mother.
9658 -- Margaret H. Sanger
9660 Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
9661 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
9663 Not everyone has a one-track mind.
9664 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
9666 Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
9670 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
9672 Nothing is better than Sex.
9673 Masturbation is better than nothing.
9674 Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
9676 Nothing ruins the mood more during foreplay than the image of your
9677 65-year old home room teacher trying to stretch a condom over a
9681 Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
9682 tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
9683 Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
9684 can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
9685 of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
9686 a doctor, that's why we killed him.
9689 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
9690 Who said with a wink and a smile,
9691 "Sure, please stick it in,
9692 Be it thick be it thin,
9693 But if's rough I won't do as a file."
9695 Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
9696 bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
9697 have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
9698 of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
9699 "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
9700 "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
9701 by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
9702 you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
9703 promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
9706 Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
9707 Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
9708 Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
9709 What would they do if I made no landfall?"
9710 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
9712 Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
9714 Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
9715 occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
9716 with this in response to one...
9718 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
9719 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
9720 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
9721 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
9722 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
9723 morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
9734 Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
9736 Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
9739 Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
9740 their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
9741 because it's obscene.
9743 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
9746 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
9747 man -- who has no gills.
9749 Oden the bardling averred
9750 His muse was the bum of a bird,
9751 And his Lesbian wife
9752 Would finger his fife
9753 While Fisherwood waited as third.
9755 Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
9756 exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
9757 author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
9758 "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
9759 Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
9760 an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
9761 himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
9763 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
9764 ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
9765 -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
9766 spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
9767 There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
9768 sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
9770 Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
9771 The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
9773 Of his face she thought not very much,
9774 But then, at the very first touch,
9775 Her attitude shifted --
9776 He was terribly gifted
9777 At frigging and fucking and such.
9779 Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
9781 Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
9782 Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
9783 Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
9784 And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
9786 Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
9787 That got run over with my mower.
9788 One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
9789 The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
9790 It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
9791 It landed by the kitchen door.
9792 Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
9793 that ain't gonna walk no more...
9794 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover
9796 Oh John, let's not park here.
9797 Oh John, let's not park.
9803 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
9804 Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
9805 The poor wench doth stammer,
9806 "I need a sledgehammer
9807 To pound a man into my vent."
9809 Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
9810 He tried to make love to a puma.
9811 Seems the puma, in play,
9812 Tore his testes away -
9813 - An example of animal huma.
9815 Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
9818 OLD FELLA RED CLARET
9819 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
9821 An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
9822 and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
9823 prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
9824 slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
9825 Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
9826 buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
9827 with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
9828 gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
9829 In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
9830 who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
9832 It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
9834 Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
9835 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
9838 Was a merry old soul,
9839 A merry old soul was he!
9840 He called for his pipe,
9841 And he called for his bowl,
9842 And he fiddled with his call girls three!
9844 Old McDonald had a farm,
9846 And on this farm he had some chicks,
9848 With a chick-chick here,
9849 And a chick-chick there,
9852 Everywhere a chick-chick,
9853 Old McDonald lost his farm
9854 'Cause he had too many chicks!
9856 Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
9858 Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
9859 She had so many children,
9860 She didn't know what to do.
9861 So she moved to Atlanta.
9864 Went to the cupboard
9865 To get her poor dog a bone.
9868 And she got a bone of her own.
9869 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay
9872 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9874 On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
9875 Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
9878 Whatever or whoever lays her.
9880 On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
9881 The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
9882 "Aha!" said the mate,
9883 "That settles the fate
9884 Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
9886 On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
9887 herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
9888 The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
9889 went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
9890 a man making love to the corpse.
9891 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
9892 that woman is dead!"
9893 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
9894 "I thought she was an American!"
9897 Russian: Uplifts the masses.
9898 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
9899 American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
9901 On day a Monterey daughter
9902 Did scuba down under the water.
9905 And they say t'was an otter that gotter.
9907 On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
9908 Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
9909 on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
9911 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
9912 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
9913 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
9914 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
9915 At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
9916 bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
9917 says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
9918 chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
9919 me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
9920 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
9921 money is right now, he will kill you here."
9922 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
9923 under the big tree at the pass!"
9924 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
9926 On the breast of a lady named Gail,
9927 Was tattooed the price of her tail.
9929 For the sake of the blind,
9930 Was the same information -- in Braille.
9932 On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
9933 His girl got a yen for fellatio.
9934 As she sucked on his dingus
9935 He tried cunnilingus
9936 But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
9938 Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
9939 eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
9940 only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
9941 better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
9942 and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
9943 The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
9944 fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
9945 wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
9946 sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
9947 my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
9948 to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
9949 you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
9950 at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
9951 gonna back to Italy.
9953 Once a woman has given you her heart you
9954 can never get rid of the rest of her.
9957 Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
9958 for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
9959 as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
9960 group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
9961 group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
9962 exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
9963 very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
9964 had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
9965 Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
9966 That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
9967 and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
9968 all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
9972 Once upon a girl there was a time...
9974 Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
9975 two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
9976 observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
9977 running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
9979 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
9980 alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
9981 going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
9982 say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
9983 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
9984 while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
9985 came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
9986 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
9987 know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
9988 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
9990 Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
9991 made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
9992 wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
9993 "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
9994 and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
9995 bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
9996 his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
9997 It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
9998 began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
9999 rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
10000 however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
10001 morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
10002 the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
10003 enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
10004 shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
10005 you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
10006 toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
10007 the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
10009 Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
10010 fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
10011 cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
10012 she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
10013 jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
10015 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
10016 you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
10018 Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
10019 fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
10020 the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
10021 After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
10022 earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
10023 little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
10024 warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
10025 began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
10026 chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
10027 he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
10029 There are three morals to this story:
10031 (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
10032 (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
10033 (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
10035 Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
10036 somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
10037 on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
10038 enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
10039 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
10040 time comes, I am going to be that one."
10041 A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
10042 knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
10043 and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
10044 All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
10046 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
10048 Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
10049 and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
10050 coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
10051 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
10052 sleeping in my bed!"
10053 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
10055 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
10056 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
10057 smaller prime numbers.
10059 2: The Odd Prime --
10060 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
10061 3: The True Prime --
10062 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
10063 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
10064 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
10065 case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
10066 the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
10067 However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
10068 41: The Female Prime --
10069 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
10070 prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
10071 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
10073 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
10074 are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
10075 but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
10077 Once was a hooker named Gail,
10078 Busted and sent-off to jail,
10079 She liked the jailer,
10080 He wanted to nail her,
10081 So Gail made bail with her tail.
10083 Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
10084 the rest of life is that much easier.
10086 Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
10088 One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
10089 boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
10090 Finally the office boy was brought in.
10091 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
10092 playing around with my secretary?"
10093 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
10095 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
10097 One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
10098 into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
10099 to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
10100 he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
10101 the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
10102 and approached the farmer.
10103 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
10104 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
10105 in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
10106 that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's
10109 One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
10111 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
10112 the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
10113 ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
10114 a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
10115 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
10117 One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
10118 anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
10119 he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
10120 Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
10121 threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
10122 The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
10123 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
10124 he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
10125 the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
10126 "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
10127 with my car once, remember?"
10128 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
10129 lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
10130 in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
10131 the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
10132 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
10133 to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
10135 One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
10136 the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
10137 they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
10138 place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
10139 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
10140 to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
10141 will create your mate."
10142 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
10143 asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
10144 ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
10145 the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
10146 Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
10148 "Yes, Adam, what now?"
10149 "God, what's a headache?"
10151 One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
10152 enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
10153 eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
10155 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
10156 he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
10157 "Blossom," she replied.
10158 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
10159 parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
10160 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
10161 under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
10162 thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
10163 name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
10164 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
10165 walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
10167 "Porky," was the child's reply.
10168 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
10169 "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
10171 One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
10172 gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she
10173 said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I
10174 guess"... I said "What do you mean 'you guess?'"... she said "I saw my
10175 analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the
10176 problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."...
10177 I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
10178 stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
10179 and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said,
10180 "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein."
10183 One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
10184 tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
10185 to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
10186 of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
10187 orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
10188 the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
10189 care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
10190 all your beer and spit it in my face?"
10191 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
10192 and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
10193 beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
10195 One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
10196 officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
10198 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
10199 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
10200 attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
10201 walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
10202 "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
10203 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
10205 One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
10206 were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
10207 nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
10208 Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
10209 passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
10210 "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
10211 be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
10212 leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
10213 democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
10214 following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
10215 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
10216 Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
10217 productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
10218 hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
10219 there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
10221 One evening a guru had coitus
10222 With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
10223 When asked what position
10224 He used for coition,
10225 He answered serenely, "the lotus."
10227 One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
10228 to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
10229 his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
10230 bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
10231 Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
10233 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
10234 gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
10235 the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
10237 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
10238 cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
10239 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
10241 One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
10242 One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
10244 One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
10246 One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
10247 and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
10248 seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
10249 another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
10250 wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
10251 like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
10253 One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
10254 to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
10255 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
10256 put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
10257 Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
10258 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
10259 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
10261 One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
10262 accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
10263 testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
10264 all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
10265 enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
10268 One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to
10269 compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
10271 One of the most expensive things in life
10272 is a girl who is free for the evening.
10274 One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
10275 He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
10278 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
10279 The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
10280 left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
10281 George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
10282 late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
10283 played right-handed and beat them again.
10284 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
10285 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
10286 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
10287 be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
10288 *or* right-handed."
10289 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
10290 superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
10291 right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
10292 "What if she's lying on her back?"
10293 George said, "That's when I'm late."
10295 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
10296 there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
10297 Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
10298 and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
10299 cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
10300 each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
10301 Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
10302 crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
10303 resources and our taxes.
10306 One should be cherry of virgins.
10308 One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
10309 occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
10310 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
10311 Life in the Universe"
10313 One, two, three, four
10314 What are we fighting for?
10315 Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
10316 Next stop is Vietnam.
10317 Five, six, seven, eight
10318 Open up the pearly gates.
10319 Ain't no time to wonder why
10320 Whoopie! We're all going to die.
10321 -- Country Joe and the Fish
10323 One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
10324 his ass from a hole in the ground!
10326 Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
10328 Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
10330 Operators mount anything!
10332 Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
10333 look at the other guy's.
10337 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
10339 ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
10343 The taste of things to come.
10345 O'Riordan's Theorem:
10346 Brains x Beauty = Constant.
10348 Purmal's Corollary:
10349 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
10350 availability goes to zero.
10352 Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
10355 Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
10356 Why pierce my skin, so white?
10357 You grow plump, as a leech.
10358 Stop! I beseech (in vein).
10361 Why waste my voice,
10362 When only a slap will do?
10364 What ho, you are smitten!
10365 Yo mosquito, fuck you.
10366 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
10368 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
10369 a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
10370 national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
10371 gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
10372 exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
10373 never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
10374 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
10376 Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
10377 quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
10379 Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
10380 the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
10381 help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
10382 basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
10383 but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
10384 near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
10385 with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
10386 still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
10387 to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
10388 probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
10389 considering whether there were men on base.
10390 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
10392 Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
10393 Has invented a new kind of car.
10394 With a tank full of shit
10395 There's no stopping it --
10396 For short trips, two poots take you far.
10398 Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
10399 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
10400 and I will lead you to the promised land."
10401 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
10402 your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
10403 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
10404 the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
10406 Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
10407 Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
10408 Oz: Not the battle. High School.
10409 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
10410 Season 3, Episode 22
10412 Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
10413 Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
10414 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
10415 Season 2, Episode 14
10417 Painters do it with even strokes.
10419 Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
10420 mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
10422 Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
10423 bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
10425 Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
10427 Pee-wee Recommends:
10429 When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
10430 the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
10432 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
10433 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
10434 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven
10437 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
10439 People humiliating a salami!
10441 People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
10442 citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
10445 People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
10447 People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
10450 Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
10451 on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
10452 a pedestal the better to view her legs.
10453 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
10455 Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
10456 Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
10457 She declined and declined
10458 Till approached from behind...
10459 When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
10461 Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
10463 Philadelphia flying fuck, n:
10464 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
10465 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
10468 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
10469 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
10470 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
10472 Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
10475 Physicists do it with charm.
10477 Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
10478 he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay.
10481 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
10483 Planned Parenthood:
10484 The emission Control Center.
10486 Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
10487 He announced as he folded with flair,
10488 "I had four of a kind,
10489 But those aces combined,
10490 Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
10493 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
10495 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10496 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
10497 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
10498 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10501 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
10502 For women, it's playing the slots.
10505 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
10507 Politicians do it to everyone.
10509 Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
10511 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
10512 a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
10513 hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
10514 practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
10515 as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
10516 above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
10517 queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
10518 are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
10519 them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
10520 induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
10521 is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
10522 that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
10523 nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
10526 Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
10527 Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
10528 At her first sight of one
10529 She started to run,
10530 And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
10532 Posterity will ne'er survey
10533 A nobler grave than this;
10534 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
10535 Stop, traveler, and piss.
10536 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
10538 Pour guerir un acces de fievre
10539 Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
10540 Il le prit a son trou,
10541 Et fit faire un ragout
10542 Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
10545 Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
10546 Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
10547 I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
10548 it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
10549 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
10550 give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
10551 all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
10552 your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
10554 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
10557 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
10558 you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
10560 Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
10562 Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
10564 premature ejaculation, n:
10567 premature ejaculator, n:
10570 Premenstrual Syndrome:
10571 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
10573 Prince Absalom lay with his sister
10574 And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
10575 But the kid was so tight,
10576 And it was deep night --
10577 Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
10579 Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
10581 Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
10582 the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
10583 in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
10584 picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
10585 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash
10587 Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
10589 Programmers do it bit by bit.
10591 Programmers do it until it goes down.
10593 Programmers get overlaid.
10596 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
10598 Prope mare erat tubulator
10599 Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
10602 Est mihi inquit tubulator.
10604 Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
10605 still come out ahead.
10607 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
10608 Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
10610 Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
10611 both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
10612 make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
10616 Organic dental floss.
10618 Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
10619 And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
10620 And drank Manishiewitz wine.
10621 Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
10622 And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
10623 And other kosher stuff.
10625 Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
10626 Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
10627 Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
10628 That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
10630 Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
10631 A: He's the only one with a duck.
10633 Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
10634 A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
10636 Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
10639 Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
10640 A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
10642 Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
10643 A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
10645 Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
10646 A: Real men don't care.
10648 Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
10649 A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
10651 Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
10652 A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
10654 Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
10655 A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
10657 Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
10658 A: By the stiff upper lip.
10660 Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
10663 Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
10664 A: She answered the iron.
10666 Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
10667 A: They called back.
10669 Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
10672 Q: How do you get them back out?
10675 Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
10678 Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
10679 A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
10681 Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
10682 A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
10684 Q: How did Tarzan die?
10685 A: Picking cherries!!!
10687 Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
10688 A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
10690 Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
10691 A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
10693 Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
10694 A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
10696 Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
10697 A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
10699 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
10700 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
10701 by lightning first.
10703 Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
10705 A: If all your trashcan liners are missing....
10707 Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
10708 or an airline stewardess?
10709 A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
10710 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
10711 and over again until we get it right."
10712 An airline stewardess says: "Hold this over your mouth and
10713 nose, and breathe normally."
10715 ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
10716 ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
10717 ... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
10718 ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
10720 Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
10721 A: When his cock tastes like shit.
10723 Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
10726 Q: How does a mink get babies?
10727 A: The same way babies get minks.
10729 Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
10730 A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
10731 speech, but under the United States constitution they are
10732 guaranteed freedom after speech.
10733 -- being told in Poland, 1987
10735 Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
10736 A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
10738 Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
10739 A: Three, but they're really only one.
10741 Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10742 A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10744 Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
10745 A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10747 Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
10748 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10749 A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
10750 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
10751 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
10752 credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
10754 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
10755 bulb, in San Francisco?
10758 Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
10759 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
10762 Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
10763 A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
10765 Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
10766 A: As much as he wants.
10768 Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would
10772 Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
10773 A: Play dumb until the second coming.
10775 Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
10778 Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
10779 A: They both like a tight seal.
10781 Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
10782 A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
10784 Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
10785 A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
10786 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
10788 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
10789 A: Sheep don't have strings.
10791 Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
10792 A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
10794 Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
10797 Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
10800 Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
10803 Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
10808 Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
10811 Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
10812 A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
10814 Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
10815 A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
10817 Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
10818 A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
10820 Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
10821 A: A computer that won't go down.
10823 Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
10824 A: Your last blowjob.
10826 Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
10827 A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
10829 Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
10830 A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
10831 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
10834 Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
10835 A: A rebel without a clue.
10837 Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
10838 moth ball in the other hand?
10839 A: One hell of a big moth!
10841 Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
10842 A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
10844 Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
10845 A: Will the defendant please rise?
10847 Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
10848 A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
10849 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
10850 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
10853 Click. "Did I get it?"
10854 Click. "Did I get it?"
10855 Click. "Did I get it?"
10856 Click. "Did I get it?"
10857 A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
10859 Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
10860 A: A frog in a blender.
10862 Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
10863 A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
10865 Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
10866 A: Baby in a blender.
10868 Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
10869 A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
10871 Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
10874 Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
10875 A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
10877 Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
10880 Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
10881 A: A cheese grater.
10883 Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
10884 A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
10886 Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
10887 A: Dating a Canadian.
10889 Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
10891 A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
10893 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
10896 Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
10899 Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
10902 Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
10905 Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
10906 A: Two hours of begging.
10908 Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
10909 A: The guy that gave it to him.
10911 Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
10912 A: The guy he got it from.
10914 Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
10915 A: Snow White's cherry.
10917 Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
10918 A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
10920 Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
10923 Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
10924 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
10925 A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
10927 Q: What is a compact city?
10928 A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
10932 Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
10933 pinscher humping your leg?
10934 A: You let the doberman finish.
10936 Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
10937 A: About four drinks.
10939 Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
10940 A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
10941 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
10943 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
10944 office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
10946 Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
10949 Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
10950 A: About 10 pounds.
10952 Q: How do you make them the same?
10953 A: Force feed the elephant.
10955 Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
10956 A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
10958 Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
10959 A: The weekend never comes too soon.
10961 Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
10962 A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
10964 Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
10967 Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
10968 A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
10971 Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
10973 A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
10976 Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
10977 A: It stays dark all night.
10979 Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
10980 A: About three inches.
10982 Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
10983 A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
10984 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
10985 "and some cigarettes."
10987 Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
10989 A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
10990 A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
10991 A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
10992 A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
10993 A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
10995 Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
10996 he hits your windshield?
10999 Q: What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
11000 mind when he hits your windshield?
11003 Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
11004 A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
11006 Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
11007 A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
11009 Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
11010 A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
11012 Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
11013 A: To the batpoles, Robin!
11015 Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
11018 Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
11019 A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
11021 Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
11022 A: They're just pussy substitutes!
11024 Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
11025 A: Because she's dead.
11027 Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
11028 A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
11030 Q: Why did God invent booze?
11031 A: So ugly men could get laid too.
11033 Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
11034 A: She'd never been taught to say no.
11036 Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
11037 A: To impress Jodie Foster.
11039 Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
11040 Jo Kopechne drowned?
11041 A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
11043 Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
11044 A: He couldn't help it.
11046 Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
11047 A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
11049 Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
11050 A: Because they can.
11052 Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
11053 A: To stamp out forest fires.
11055 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
11056 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
11058 Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
11059 A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
11061 Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
11062 A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
11064 Q: Why do men die before their wives?
11067 Q: Why do men marry women?
11068 A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
11070 Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
11071 A: Very few of them know how to dance!
11073 Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
11074 A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
11075 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
11077 Q: Why do WASPs play golf ?
11078 A: So they can dress like pimps.
11080 Q: Why do women have vaginas?
11081 A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
11083 Q: Why do women love Pacman?
11084 A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
11086 Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
11087 A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
11089 Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
11090 A: So she can moan with the other!
11092 Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
11093 A: It scares the dogs!
11095 Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
11096 A: The leash goes slack.
11098 Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
11099 A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
11101 Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
11102 A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
11103 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
11104 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
11105 -- being told in Poland, 1987
11107 Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
11108 A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
11111 Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
11112 A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
11113 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
11116 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
11117 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
11118 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
11119 who has that dream?"
11122 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
11125 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
11129 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
11132 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
11136 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
11139 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
11142 "I get girls because of who I am... a rapist."
11145 "I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
11146 grip. He's a lucky man."
11149 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
11152 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
11155 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
11159 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
11162 "I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
11163 a pair of velcro gloves."
11166 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
11167 the guy who screwed her last."
11170 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
11174 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
11175 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
11178 "It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
11179 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a 'fucking asshole.'"
11183 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
11186 "Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and 'You're
11187 going to put that thing *where*?'"
11190 "My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
11191 you stick those little prongs into it."
11192 -- Mark-Jason Dominus
11195 "No, honey, I've never been circumsized;
11196 it's simply wear and tear."
11199 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every
11200 gay and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be
11204 "Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself."
11207 "She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
11208 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!"
11211 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
11214 "Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
11215 and the others are more than willing to watch them."
11218 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
11222 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are
11223 crabby all month long."
11226 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
11230 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
11234 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
11237 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
11238 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
11239 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
11242 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
11243 Then get the fuck out."
11246 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
11248 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
11249 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
11250 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
11251 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
11252 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
11253 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
11254 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
11255 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
11261 No sooner spread than done.
11263 QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
11264 equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
11265 structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
11266 grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
11267 in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
11268 symptoms of a qwert.
11269 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
11271 Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy.
11272 Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
11275 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
11276 for farting at a friend.
11277 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
11280 Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
11282 Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
11283 Bette Middler: 37-25-36
11284 Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
11285 Jane Russell: 39-27-38
11286 Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
11287 Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
11289 Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
11290 of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
11292 Reach out and fuck someone.
11295 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
11297 Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
11298 usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
11299 a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
11300 possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
11301 of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
11302 driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
11303 it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
11304 puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
11305 avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
11306 and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
11307 Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
11308 more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
11309 through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
11310 sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
11311 holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
11312 do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
11313 urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
11314 (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
11315 you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
11317 Reagan can't _
\ba_
\bc_
\bt, either.
11320 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
11324 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
11326 Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
11329 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
11332 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
11334 Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
11336 Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
11339 Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
11340 champagne is the best tenderizer.
11342 Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
11343 sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
11344 changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
11345 grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
11346 liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
11350 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
11351 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
11353 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
11354 Republicans hang them on the wall.
11356 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
11357 girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
11359 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
11360 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
11362 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
11363 The remainder is thrown out.
11365 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
11366 That is why there are more Democrats.
11367 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
11369 Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
11370 any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
11372 Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
11373 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
11374 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
11375 someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
11376 blow job in the world!' on the wall."
11377 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
11378 we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
11379 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
11382 Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
11383 Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
11386 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
11387 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
11388 for seven seconds...
11390 Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
11392 Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
11393 With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
11394 The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
11395 So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
11396 Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
11397 With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
11398 Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
11399 They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
11400 Roland the Thompson gunner...
11401 His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
11402 But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
11403 So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
11404 That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
11405 Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
11406 Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
11407 He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
11408 Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
11409 But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
11410 The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
11411 Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
11412 In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
11413 Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
11414 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
11416 Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
11418 Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
11420 Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
11423 Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
11426 A sport requiring leather balls.
11428 Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
11429 two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
11431 Runners do it alone.
11433 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11435 (1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism.
11437 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11439 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11441 (10) Liberalism poisons the soul.
11443 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11445 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11447 (11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on
11448 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition.
11450 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11452 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11454 (12) Freedom is God-given.
11456 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11458 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11460 (13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition.
11462 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11464 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11466 (14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat.
11468 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11470 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11472 (15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or
11473 design, pro-communist.
11475 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11477 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11479 (16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the
11480 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have.
11482 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11484 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11486 (17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the
11487 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980.
11489 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11491 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11493 (18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity.
11495 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11497 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11499 (19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us
11500 of the good times in our past.
11502 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11504 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11506 (2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed
11507 by the heinous idea of centralized government control.
11509 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11511 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11513 (20) There is a God.
11515 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11517 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11519 (21) Abortion is wrong.
11521 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11523 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11525 (22) Morality is not defined by individual choice.
11527 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11529 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11531 (23) Evolution cannot explain creation.
11533 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11535 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11537 (24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have
11538 easier access to the mainstream of society.
11540 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11542 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11544 (25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You
11545 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and
11546 thank God they can.)
11548 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11550 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11552 (26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet
11553 leaders is that he is alive.
11555 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11557 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11559 (27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators.
11561 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11563 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11565 (28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation.
11567 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11569 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11571 (29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they
11572 called Oakland home.
11574 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11576 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11578 (3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons.
11580 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11582 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11584 (30) The United States will again go to war.
11586 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11588 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11590 (31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States
11591 is a sinful United States.
11593 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11595 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11597 (32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States
11598 is frightening and ominous.
11600 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11602 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11604 (33) There will always be poor people.
11606 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11608 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11610 (34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of
11613 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11615 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11617 (35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making
11620 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11622 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11624 (4) Peace does not mean the absence of war.
11626 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11628 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11630 (5) War is not obsolete.
11632 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11634 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11636 (6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.
11638 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11640 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11642 (7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them.
11644 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11646 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11648 (8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding"
11651 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11653 Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
11655 (9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ...
11656 it is sometimes dangerous.
11658 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
11660 Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
11661 "The men like to spread my two legs,
11662 Then slip in between,
11663 If you know what I mean,
11664 And leave me the white of their eggs."
11666 Said a decadent wench of Bombay:
11667 "This has been a most wonderful day.
11668 Three cherry tarts,
11669 At least twenty farts,
11670 Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
11672 Said a girl who upon her divan
11673 Was attacked by a virile young man:
11674 "Such excess of passion
11675 Is quite out of fashion"
11676 And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
11679 Said a happy young man of Fort Drum:
11680 "What care I for this shortage of gum?
11682 Is a condom or two,
11683 With a goodly amount of fresh come."
11685 Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
11686 "My favorite sport is coitus."
11687 But a fullback from State
11688 Made her period late,
11689 And now she has athlete's fetus.
11691 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
11692 When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
11693 "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
11694 And tease it, and please it,
11695 For Rome wasn't built in a day."
11697 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
11698 Of all the girls that I've had,
11699 None gave me the thrill
11700 Of real rapture until
11701 I learned how to be a tribade."
11703 Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
11704 To a sailor just off of a barge,
11705 "We have one girl that's dead,
11706 With a hole in her head--
11707 Of course there's a slight extra charge."
11709 Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
11710 I'm simply too shy and afraid
11711 To take part in your pranks.
11712 But to show you my thanks,
11713 I'd just love to become your first aide.
11715 Said a pornographistic young poet
11716 "Although I perhaps do not show it,
11718 Is wearing quite thin,
11719 And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
11721 Said crew girl Angelica Bauer:
11722 "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
11724 At night that's not so--
11725 He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
11727 Said Einstein, "I have an equation
11728 Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
11729 Let _
\bV be virginity
11730 Approaching infinity;
11731 Let _
\bP be a constant persuasion;
11733 "Let _
\bV over _
\bP be inverted
11734 With the square root of _
\bM_
\bu inserted
11735 _
\bN times into _
\bV....
11736 The result, Q.E.D.,
11737 Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
11739 Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
11740 Is leading me straight to perdition;
11741 But I haven't the strength
11742 To go to the length
11743 Of making an act of contrition."
11746 Said President Jobcock one day:
11747 "War's better than love, I should say.
11748 Instead of a virgin,
11749 It's murder I'm urgin'--
11750 You get lots more blood that-a-way."
11752 Said sneering Mohammed el-Din:
11753 "Only infidel dogs put it in.
11754 Back home in Arabia
11755 We nibble the labia
11756 Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
11758 Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
11759 In a cunt halfway up to his ears:
11760 "This nautch is delicious,
11761 And without doubt nutritious.
11762 She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
11764 Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
11765 "Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
11766 I replied with some wit,
11767 "Do you belch when you shit?"
11768 I think that was one up for me.
11770 Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
11771 "This must be our final adieu,
11772 For the vicar is slicker,
11773 And thicker, and quicker,
11774 And two inches longer than you."
11776 Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
11777 That he'd had all the heavenly host:
11778 The Father and Son,
11779 And then - just for fun -
11780 The hole in the Holy Ghost.
11782 Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
11783 immensely profitable years in the construction business.
11784 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
11785 constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
11786 am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
11787 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
11788 dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
11789 Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
11790 But suck one little cock..."
11793 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
11796 San Francisco is my kind of city,
11797 Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
11799 Save a forest -- eat a beaver!
11801 Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
11803 Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
11805 Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
11807 Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
11808 "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
11809 To a muffer's delight,
11810 I'll take head on a flight,
11811 So the guy can have pie in the sky."
11814 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
11816 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11818 "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
11819 her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
11821 Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
11822 ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
11825 SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
11826 If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
11827 this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
11829 Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
11831 Secrets to a happy marriage
11832 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
11833 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
11834 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
11835 4. It is important that these three women never meet your wife.
11837 Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
11838 the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
11839 "What are you here for?" he asks.
11840 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
11841 and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
11842 but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
11843 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
11844 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
11845 to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
11846 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
11847 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
11848 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
11849 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
11850 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
11851 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
11852 I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
11853 wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
11854 resist it!" admitted the dog.
11855 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
11856 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
11858 Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
11859 were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
11860 the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
11861 again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
11862 know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
11863 so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
11864 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
11865 plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
11866 and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
11867 three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
11868 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
11869 right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
11870 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
11871 one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
11872 the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
11873 the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
11874 be explained by natural causes.
11875 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
11876 just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
11877 a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
11878 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
11879 and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
11881 Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
11882 pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
11883 a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
11884 her what that means.
11885 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
11887 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
11889 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
11890 then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
11891 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
11893 Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
11894 asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
11895 imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
11897 Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
11898 he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
11899 cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
11900 more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
11901 believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
11902 Could we maybe talk?"
11903 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
11904 the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
11905 starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
11906 I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
11907 there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
11908 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
11909 in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
11910 much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
11911 she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
11912 and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
11913 have to be the "back door".
11914 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
11915 panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
11916 you on the bus yesterday.
11917 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
11918 actually the bus driver."
11920 Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
11921 symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
11922 production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
11923 security while they're being screwed.
11925 Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
11926 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
11929 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
11931 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
11932 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
11933 material glorifying violence?"
11934 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
11935 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
11936 the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
11939 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
11940 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
11942 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
11943 The shit has hit the fan.
11946 Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
11947 -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
11949 Sex and drugs and UNIX.
11951 Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
11952 You can do each while thinking about the other.
11954 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
11957 Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
11959 Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
11961 Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
11968 Sex is just one damp thing after another.
11970 Sex is like a bridge game.
11971 If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
11973 Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
11975 Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
11977 Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
11979 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
11981 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
11985 Sex is the poor man's opera.
11988 Sex is what women have and men want.
11990 Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
11992 SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
11995 Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
11996 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
11997 the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's
12000 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
12002 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
12003 The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
12004 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
12005 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
12006 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
12007 The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
12008 "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
12009 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
12011 Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
12012 Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
12013 Let your pal be your guide.
12014 And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
12015 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
12016 'cause it digs up your hat,
12017 or has sex with your cat,
12018 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
12019 and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
12020 Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
12021 We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
12023 She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
12024 If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
12025 I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
12026 It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
12027 If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
12028 If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
12029 It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
12030 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
12031 Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
12032 I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
12033 -- proposed Country-Western song titles
12035 She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
12036 you any other way."
12038 She begged and she pleaded for more.
12039 I said, "We've already had four,
12040 And I'm sure that you've heard,
12041 Though it's somewhat absurd,
12042 That eros spelt backwards is sore."
12044 She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
12047 She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
12048 candidates for president.
12049 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
12050 Elizabeth Gould Davis
12052 She made a thing of soft leather,
12053 And topped off the end with a feather.
12054 When she poked it inside her
12055 She took off like a glider,
12056 And gave up her lover forever.
12058 She never liked zippers, she said,
12059 Until she opened one in bed.
12061 She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
12062 And begged for a bang: goodness knows
12064 And I sizzled to scrure,
12065 But the push had gone out of my hose.
12067 She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
12069 She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
12070 When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
12071 Now she's lying in the grass,
12072 With the muffler up her ass,
12073 And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
12076 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
12077 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
12078 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
12079 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
12080 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
12081 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
12082 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
12084 She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
12085 Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
12086 But she knew, just before
12087 She opened the door,
12088 This same Mr. had kr. sr.
12090 She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
12091 Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
12092 unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
12093 and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
12094 her on the top step.
12095 "How dare you?" she demanded.
12096 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
12097 second time I thought we'd become good friends."
12099 She wasn't what one could call pretty
12100 And other girls offered her pity,
12102 That her Wasserman test
12103 Involved half the men in the city.
12105 She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
12107 She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
12108 1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
12109 Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
12110 Him: Wondering which word would
12111 best describe her breasts
12114 1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
12115 Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
12116 will go all the way
12118 1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
12119 Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
12120 warmers and a leather
12123 1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
12124 Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
12125 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
12126 point before she passed away
12127 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
12129 She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
12133 Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
12134 totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
12135 know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
12136 says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
12137 He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
12138 with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
12139 to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
12141 Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
12143 Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
12144 I'm agog with excitement today!
12145 And the reason of course,
12147 Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
12149 Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
12150 together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
12151 to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
12152 isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
12155 Sighed a neat little package named Annie:
12156 "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
12157 Plus the yen, but the men
12158 Only call now and then--
12159 Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
12161 Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
12163 Sixteen'll get you twenty.
12170 Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
12172 Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
12175 "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
12176 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!"
12178 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
12179 "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
12180 He pulled it on out,
12181 But she started to pout,
12182 His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
12184 So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
12185 Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
12186 Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
12187 Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
12188 And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
12189 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
12191 So here was this fellow of Strensall
12192 Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
12194 But an interesting screw,
12195 Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
12197 So, how's your love life?
12198 Still holding your own?
12200 So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
12201 which one would you pick?
12203 So it's ai yi yi yi,
12204 Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
12205 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12206 And waltz me around by my willie!
12208 There once was a man from Nantucket!
12209 Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
12210 He said with a grin,
12211 As he wiped off his chin,
12212 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
12214 So it's ai yi yi yi,
12215 Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
12216 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12217 And waltz me around by my willie!
12219 There once was a young man from Boston!
12220 Who drove around town in an Austin!
12221 There was room for his ass,
12222 And a gallon of gas,
12223 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
12225 So it's ai yi yi yi,
12226 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
12227 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12228 And waltz me around by my willie!
12230 There once was a man from Racine!
12231 Who invented a screwing machine!
12232 Both concave and convex,
12233 It could please either sex,
12234 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
12236 So it's ai yi yi yi,
12237 Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
12238 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12239 And waltz me around by my willie!
12241 One night a girl had an affair!
12242 With a fellow all covered with hair!
12243 His enormous red whang,
12244 Gave her a wonderful bang --
12245 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
12247 So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
12248 lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
12249 has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
12250 and we've got no money left for food."
12251 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
12252 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
12253 You're going to have to go out and hustle."
12254 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
12255 "It's the only way," he said.
12256 Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
12257 staggering in early the next morning.
12258 "How did you do?" asked the husband.
12259 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
12260 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?"
12261 "Everybody," she said.
12263 So you fucked up... you trusted us!
12266 So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
12267 and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
12269 Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
12271 Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
12272 Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
12275 Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
12278 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
12280 Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
12281 and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
12283 Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
12284 Drank up several bottles of sherry;
12285 In the Yard around three
12286 They were shrieking with glee:
12287 "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
12290 Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
12294 Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
12295 fucked the buffalo.
12297 Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
12299 Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
12301 Some women are like musical glasses.
12302 To keep them in tune they must be wet.
12303 -- Samuel Coleridge
12305 Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
12308 Something better...
12310 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
12311 14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
12313 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
12314 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
12315 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
12316 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
12318 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
12319 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
12320 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
12321 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
12322 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
12323 coffee ... in Brazil.
12324 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
12326 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
12327 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
12329 Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
12330 a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
12333 Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
12336 Sooner or later, generals will own you.
12338 Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
12344 Starkle, starkle, little twink,
12345 Who the hell you are I think
12346 I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
12347 I'm just a little slort of sheep.
12348 Tee martoonis make a guy,
12349 Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
12350 So mass the pixer and kill my fup
12351 I've all day sober to sunday up.
12353 Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
12355 Statisticians probably do it.
12357 Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
12359 Stockmayer's Theorem:
12360 If it looks easy, it's tough.
12361 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
12363 STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
12367 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
12368 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
12369 desperately needs it.
12372 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
12373 organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
12375 Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
12377 Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
12380 successful cunnilingus:
12381 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
12385 A man who can afford to raise cain.
12387 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
12388 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
12389 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
12392 Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
12393 Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
12395 Sure banking is Biblical!
12397 How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
12398 Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
12399 little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
12400 Banks of the Jordan!
12402 Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
12403 you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
12405 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
12409 The (blew) bird of birth control.
12411 Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
12413 Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
12414 A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
12415 If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
12416 There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
12417 And you're fair game,
12418 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
12419 Just relax, enjoy the ride.
12420 Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
12421 But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
12422 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
12423 The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
12425 The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
12426 She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
12427 Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
12428 And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
12430 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
12432 Taoism: Shit Happens.
12433 Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
12434 Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
12435 Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
12436 Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
12437 Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
12438 Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
12440 Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
12441 am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone.
12445 A man who mounts animals.
12447 Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
12448 sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
12449 it's time to spend a night in town.
12452 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
12453 his leather jerkin' off."
12455 tearing off a quicky:
12458 Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
12460 Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
12462 Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
12463 in five minutes with a pistol.
12464 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
12466 Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
12467 got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
12468 If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
12470 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
12471 to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
12472 "My God, what happened to you?"
12473 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
12474 on his bloodied lips.
12475 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
12476 what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
12477 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
12480 Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
12481 Take two at the very most.
12482 Take three and you're under the table,
12483 Take four and you're under the host.
12489 D: none of the above.
12492 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
12494 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
12495 She obliges all who accost her.
12496 She welcomes the prick
12497 Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
12498 Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
12500 That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
12502 That Harvard don down at El Djim --
12503 Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
12504 With the whole harem randy,
12505 The sheik himself handy,
12506 To muss up a young camel's quim.
12508 That naughty old Sappho of Greece
12509 Said: "What I prefer to a piece
12510 Is to have my pudenda
12511 Rubbed hard by the enda
12512 The little pink nose of my niece."
12514 That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
12515 pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
12516 he got back, he was a husky fucker.
12518 The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
12519 of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
12520 began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
12521 nine. Candles out at ten."
12523 The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
12524 Do an act in the nude on their knees.
12525 They crawl down the aisle
12526 While screwing dog-style,
12527 As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
12529 The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
12530 at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
12533 The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
12534 home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
12535 when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
12536 law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
12537 the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
12538 slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
12539 my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
12540 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
12541 and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
12542 me catch you wearing my things again."
12544 The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
12545 Fell into the water baptismal;
12546 Ere they'd gathered its plight,
12547 It had sunk out of sight,
12548 For the depth of the font was abysmal.
12551 The bedsprings next door jounce and creak:
12552 They have kept me awake for a week.
12554 Select squeaky beds
12555 To develop their fucking technique?
12557 The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
12559 The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
12560 Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
12563 The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
12564 sex for money usually costs a lot less.
12567 The bishop of Alexandretta
12568 Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
12569 So he thought he'd enshrine her
12571 In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
12573 The blacksmith told me before he died,
12574 And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
12575 That no matter how he tried,
12576 His wife was never satisfied!
12578 And so he built a bloody great wheel,
12579 Harnessed to a cock of steel,
12580 Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
12581 And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
12583 Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
12584 In and out went the cock of steel,
12585 Till at last the maiden cried,
12586 "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
12588 And now we come to the crucial bit --
12589 There was no way of stopping it.
12590 And she was split from hole to hole,
12591 And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
12593 The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
12594 they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
12595 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
12596 any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
12597 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
12598 fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
12600 The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
12601 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
12603 The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
12604 They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
12605 there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
12606 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
12607 to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
12608 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
12609 "You must mean _faux_pas_."
12610 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
12611 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
12612 phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
12613 for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
12614 roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
12615 a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
12616 and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
12617 table. Remember all that, Ed?"
12619 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
12620 the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
12621 bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
12622 over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
12623 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
12625 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
12627 The bustard's a remarkable fowl
12628 With surely no reason to growl
12629 He escapes what would be
12631 By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
12633 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
12635 The computer is the ultimate polluter.
12636 Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
12638 The country girl who became a city madam
12639 has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
12641 The cruelest of creatures' the crab
12642 With claws that can pinch you or stab,
12643 And then when you dine
12644 On crab and white wine
12645 It gets you as well with the tab.
12647 The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
12648 the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
12650 The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
12651 is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
12653 The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
12655 The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
12656 went down on the Titanic.
12658 The difference between like and love is the
12659 same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
12661 The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
12662 cactus has the pricks on the outside.
12664 The difference between women and girls
12665 is as much as twenty years in some states.
12667 The Dowager Duchess of Spout
12668 Collapsed at the height of a rout;
12669 She found strength to say
12670 As they bore her away:
12671 "I should never have taken the trout."
12674 The early worm gets the bird.
12676 The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
12677 text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
12679 The Enterprise crew when off work
12680 Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
12682 Is shacked up with Sulu,
12683 And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
12685 The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
12686 Have chased Spock for several years.
12687 His look of disdain
12688 Has spared them great pain,
12689 For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
12691 The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
12692 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
12693 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
12695 The fearless old bishop of Brest
12696 Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
12697 He fucked whores in the apse
12698 With chancres and claps,
12699 But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
12701 The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
12702 Came to light with its face in its belly;
12703 Her second was born
12704 With a hump and a horn,
12705 And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
12708 The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
12709 even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death.
12710 I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me but I
12711 am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
12712 Buffy: Alright I get it, you're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
12713 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
12714 Season 3, Episode 10
12716 The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
12720 The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
12721 black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
12722 fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
12723 a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
12724 and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
12725 garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
12726 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
12727 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
12729 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
12730 the captain yelled.
12731 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
12733 The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
12734 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
12735 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
12736 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
12737 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
12738 -- You have drinks with William Holden.
12739 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
12741 The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
12743 The genital area of Ann
12744 Will accommodate any size man,
12745 From the wee that cause titters
12746 To the mighty twat-splitters
12747 That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
12749 The girls that go to see a man's etchings
12750 may not know art, but they know what they like.
12752 The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
12753 their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
12754 He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
12755 particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
12756 doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
12757 "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
12758 marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
12759 woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
12760 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
12761 "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
12762 phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
12763 hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
12764 woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
12765 in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
12766 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
12767 he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
12769 The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
12771 The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
12774 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
12775 These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
12776 results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
12777 kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
12778 put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
12780 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
12782 The greatest lies of all time:
12784 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
12785 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
12786 (4) The check is in the mail.
12787 (5) I was just going to call you.
12788 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
12789 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
12790 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
12791 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
12792 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
12794 The Grecians were famed for fine art,
12795 And buildings and stonework so smart.
12796 They distinguished with poise
12797 The men from the boys,
12798 And used crowbars to keep them apart.
12800 The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
12802 -- The morning after note reads:
12804 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
12805 I wanted to byte your ear.
12806 -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
12807 -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
12809 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
12810 program and shows up an hour late.
12813 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
12815 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
12816 indicate a malfunction.
12818 The harder they come, the more important it is to have
12819 an extra-firm mattress.
12821 The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
12822 outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
12823 the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
12824 occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
12825 mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
12826 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon
12828 The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
12830 The hope that springs eternal
12831 Springs right up your behind.
12832 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
12834 The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
12835 particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
12836 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
12837 was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
12838 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
12841 The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
12842 and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
12844 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
12845 was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
12846 even if it's right inside the front door."
12847 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
12848 husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
12849 the consultant asked.
12850 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
12851 sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
12854 The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
12855 day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
12856 however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his
12857 bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
12858 had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
12859 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
12860 the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
12861 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
12862 "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
12863 in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
12865 The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
12866 Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
12867 pull it out at the last minute.
12868 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
12870 The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
12871 two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
12872 other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
12873 account of the wedding night's progress.
12874 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
12875 entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
12876 honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
12877 And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
12879 The King named Oedipus Rex
12880 Who started this fuss about sex
12881 Put the world to great pains
12882 By the spots and the stains
12883 Which he made on his mother's pubex.
12885 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
12886 To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
12887 And cried, "Oh, my dear,
12888 I am coming, I fear,
12889 But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
12891 The kings of Peru were the Incas,
12892 Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
12893 They worshiped the sun
12894 And had lots of fun,
12895 But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
12897 The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
12898 is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
12899 town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
12900 gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
12901 majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
12902 soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
12903 has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
12904 anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
12905 has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
12906 resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
12907 want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
12908 said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
12909 wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
12910 Fact is, I rather like it."
12913 but you're not home;
12919 and you'll be mine...
12921 You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
12923 It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
12924 You know you're gonna have to face it,
12925 You're addicted to love!"
12928 The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
12929 they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
12930 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
12931 making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
12933 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
12936 The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
12937 containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
12938 were delivered in a welter of tears.
12939 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
12940 see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
12941 (blubber,blubber)!"
12942 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
12943 "and would you care to have them mounted?"
12944 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
12946 The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
12947 Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
12949 This buffersome he-man
12950 Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
12952 The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
12953 whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
12954 were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
12955 exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
12956 a certain awful recognition.
12957 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
12959 The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
12960 putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
12962 The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
12963 is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
12966 The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
12967 the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
12968 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane
12970 The mind is its own place, and in itself
12971 Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
12972 What matter where, if I be still the same,
12973 And what I should be, all but less than he
12974 Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
12975 We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
12976 Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
12977 Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
12978 To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
12979 Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
12980 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
12982 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
12984 The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
12986 The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
12988 The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
12989 jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
12991 The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
12992 "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
12995 The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
12996 that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
12998 The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
12999 virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
13000 you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
13001 stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
13002 man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
13003 your eyes - or just by staring into space.
13006 The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
13010 The moving finger having writ... gestures.
13012 The moyel who treated young Alec
13013 Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
13014 Presented the child
13015 His aim was so wild
13016 He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
13018 THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
13019 Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
13020 jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
13021 know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
13022 it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
13023 because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
13024 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
13025 your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
13026 Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
13027 Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
13028 by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
13029 Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
13030 Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
13031 We are talking about a lot of jobs.
13032 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
13035 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
13036 their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
13037 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
13039 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
13040 and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
13042 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
13043 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
13044 be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
13046 The new cinematic emporium
13047 Is not just a super-sensorium,
13048 But a highly effectual
13050 Mutual masturbatorium.
13052 The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
13053 hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
13054 replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
13055 pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
13056 returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
13058 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
13059 2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
13060 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
13061 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
13062 5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
13063 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
13064 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
13065 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
13066 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
13067 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
13068 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
13069 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
13070 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
13071 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
13072 Contest at St. Taffy's.
13074 The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
13075 to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
13076 upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the
13077 barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
13078 want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
13079 roost with my blessings."
13080 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
13081 a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
13082 took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
13083 me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
13084 ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
13085 henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me."
13086 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
13087 Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
13088 weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
13089 overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
13090 maintained a formidable lead.
13091 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
13092 dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
13093 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
13094 from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
13096 The nipples of Sarah Sarong
13097 When excited are twelve inches long
13098 This embarrassed her lover
13099 Who was pained to discover
13100 She expected no less of his dong
13102 The notorious Duchess of Peels
13103 Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
13104 Said she, "Would you mind? --
13105 Shove one up my behind.
13106 I am anxious to know how it feels."
13108 The office brown-noser named Bunky
13109 Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
13110 But when the chips were all down,
13111 His proboscis was brown,
13112 And there hung many strands which were gunky.
13114 The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
13115 that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
13117 The only difference between your girlfriend
13118 and a barracuda is the nail polish.
13120 The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
13123 The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
13124 that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
13126 The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
13129 The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
13131 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
13133 The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
13134 bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
13135 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
13137 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
13138 her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
13141 The only way you'll ever hear from
13142 me is if you're living in the same hell.
13145 The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
13146 catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
13147 guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
13148 The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
13149 her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
13150 hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
13151 once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
13152 to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
13153 of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
13155 The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
13157 The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
13158 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
13159 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
13160 "What IS your name?"
13162 The partition of Vavasour Scowles
13163 Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
13164 In a firkin; his brain
13165 Was found clogging a drain,
13166 And his toes were inside of some towels.
13169 The penis mightier than the sword.
13172 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
13175 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
13177 The pleasure is momentary,
13178 The position ridiculous,
13179 The expense damnable.
13180 -- Chesterfield, on sex
13182 The pleasure is transitory, the cost
13183 prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
13184 -- Disraeli, on sex
13186 The plural of spouse is spice.
13189 The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
13190 who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
13191 secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
13192 been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
13193 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
13194 twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
13195 private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
13196 and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
13197 third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
13198 into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
13199 and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
13200 I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
13201 for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
13202 dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
13204 The poor little doe
13205 Crawled out of the woods,
13206 Tired, bedraggled and blue.
13207 "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
13208 I should have asked for two!"
13210 The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
13211 for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
13212 of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
13213 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
13214 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
13216 The prick of the engineer, Scott,
13217 Fell off from Saturnian rot.
13218 He went to the basement
13219 And made a replacement
13220 Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
13222 The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
13223 one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
13224 He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
13225 noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
13226 as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
13227 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
13228 singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
13229 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
13230 wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
13231 The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
13232 that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
13233 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
13234 Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
13235 you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
13236 What is a blow job?"
13237 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
13239 The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
13240 chance to prove it.
13242 The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
13243 Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
13244 how is Brown going to get to Washington?
13246 The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
13249 The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
13250 length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
13252 The randy old Bey of Algiers
13253 Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
13254 Tried a cunt for a change,
13255 And remarked: "It felt strange ...
13256 Just think what I've missed all these years!"
13258 The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
13259 in front every time you want to kiss her.
13261 The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
13263 The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
13264 they can't masturbate.
13266 The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
13267 rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
13269 The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
13271 The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
13272 currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
13273 old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
13274 are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
13275 directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
13276 ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
13277 could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
13278 the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
13279 over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
13280 recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
13282 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
13285 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
13286 Called a girl a most elegant creature.
13287 So she laid on her back
13288 And, exposing her crack,
13289 Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
13291 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
13292 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
13293 The hen, pleased with that,
13294 Laid an egg in his hat --
13295 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
13296 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
13298 The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
13300 The rich man uses Vaseline,
13301 The poor man uses lard;
13302 The worker uses axle grease
13303 But gets it twice as hard.
13305 The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
13306 certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
13307 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
13308 "There certainly is," she agreed.
13309 "Some really bright stars in the sky."
13311 "Some dew on the grass."
13312 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
13314 The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
13315 community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
13317 The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
13318 dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
13319 and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
13321 The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
13324 The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
13326 She bites his head off.
13327 -- From a Women's Lib Poster
13329 The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
13330 on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
13331 survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
13332 woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
13333 her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
13334 toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
13335 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
13337 The Shah of the Empire of Persia
13338 Lay for days in a sexual merger.
13339 When the nautch asked the Shah,
13340 "Won't you ever withdraw?"
13341 He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
13343 The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
13344 doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
13345 the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
13346 psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
13347 felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
13348 and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
13350 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
13351 supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
13352 was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
13353 dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
13354 just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
13356 The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
13357 At breakfast with horrid dismay,
13358 So he launched off the spoons
13359 The pits from his prunes
13360 At their heads as they neared the buffet.
13363 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
13364 Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
13365 That when posed on her toes
13366 She elaborately shows
13367 Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
13369 The spouse of a pretty young thing
13370 Came home from the wars in the spring.
13371 He was lame but he came
13372 With his dame like a flame --
13373 A discharge is a wonderful thing.
13375 The star of that X-rated hit
13376 Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
13377 This serves as a palace
13378 For each turgid phallus--
13379 Some say that the plot is pure shit.
13381 The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
13385 The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
13387 The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
13388 like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
13391 The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
13392 And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
13393 He caught a big mouse
13394 Which he loosed in the house.
13395 (Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
13397 The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
13398 And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
13399 To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
13400 And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
13402 My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
13403 With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
13404 I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
13405 Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
13406 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
13408 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
13409 their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
13410 the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
13411 ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
13412 its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
13413 enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
13416 "The testes are cooler outside,"
13417 Said the doc to the curious bride,
13418 "For the semen must not
13419 Get too fucking hot,
13420 And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
13422 The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
13424 The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
13426 The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
13428 During the first four months: Missionary style
13429 During the second four months: Doggie style
13430 And during the last month: Coyote style
13433 You sit by the hole and howl.
13435 The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
13437 The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
13438 threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
13439 farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
13440 back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
13441 jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
13442 blaze under control.
13443 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
13444 gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
13445 driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
13446 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
13447 "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
13449 The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
13451 The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
13452 were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
13453 off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
13454 Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
13455 he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
13456 flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
13457 He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
13458 called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
13460 The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
13461 great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
13462 This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
13463 The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
13464 ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
13465 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
13466 The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
13467 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
13469 The two things that you should never lend out are your car
13470 or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
13472 The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
13473 like going to church.
13475 The United States Army:
13476 194 years of proud service,
13477 unhampered by progress.
13479 The Utah version of this joke goes:
13480 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
13481 office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
13482 that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
13483 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
13485 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
13486 prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
13487 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
13488 black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
13490 The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
13491 shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
13492 to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
13493 customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
13494 next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
13495 coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
13496 herself for a few moments and then snapped,
13497 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
13498 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
13500 The voters have spoken, the bastards.
13502 The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
13504 The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
13505 hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
13506 accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
13507 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
13509 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
13510 youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
13511 "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
13512 nature. The bully!"
13513 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
13514 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
13515 evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
13516 Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
13518 The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
13519 absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
13522 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
13525 The wife of young Richard of Limerick
13526 Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
13527 Still grows in diameter
13528 Each time that you ram at her;
13529 How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
13531 The woman who lives on the moon
13532 Is still cherishing the balloon
13533 Of an earthling who'd come
13534 And given her some,
13535 But had dribbled away all too soon.
13537 The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
13538 deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
13541 The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
13542 almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
13543 have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
13544 down in silly puns about "standing erect".
13545 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13547 The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
13548 Is not merely reading a meter.
13551 Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
13553 The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
13555 The world is so full of a number of things,
13556 I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
13557 I'll tell you a story--
13558 It won't take me long--
13559 Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
13561 There was an old fellow and what do you think?
13562 He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
13563 He whacked it, he hacked it,
13564 He ate it with glee-
13565 Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
13567 This charming old chap had a sister as well:
13568 She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
13569 Her cunt was so dirty
13570 It stank like a beast,
13571 And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
13573 What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
13574 I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
13575 Their odor and diet
13576 Won't soon be forgotten,
13577 And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
13579 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
13580 first visit home since starting college.
13581 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
13583 "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
13584 or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
13585 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
13586 guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
13588 The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
13589 woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
13590 his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
13591 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
13592 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
13593 stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
13595 Then there was the girl who was engaged
13596 to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
13598 Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
13599 swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
13601 Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
13602 for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
13604 Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
13605 After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
13606 for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
13607 went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
13608 well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
13609 dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
13610 they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
13611 nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
13612 babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
13613 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
13614 for your lousy fifty bucks."
13616 Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
13617 brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They
13618 caught him when he came back for the brick.
13620 There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
13622 There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
13623 contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
13624 bomb a virgin building is terrific.
13625 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
13627 There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
13628 there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
13629 there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
13630 I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
13632 I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
13633 And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
13634 And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
13635 They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
13637 You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
13638 You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
13639 You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
13640 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
13643 Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
13644 spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
13645 but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
13646 semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
13647 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
13649 There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
13651 There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
13652 a bitch, you ate five of them.
13653 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
13654 cannibalism in 1874.
13656 There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
13657 have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
13658 America, with all of the military strength of America, those
13659 revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
13660 organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
13661 oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
13662 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
13664 There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
13665 are having to take turns.
13668 There are some things we mustn't expose,
13669 So we hide them away in our clothes.
13670 Oh, it's shocking to stare
13671 At what's certainly there--
13672 But why this is so, heaven knows.
13674 There are three religious truths:
13675 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
13676 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
13678 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
13679 the adult book store.
13681 There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
13682 president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
13683 competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
13684 test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
13685 desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
13686 in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
13687 promotion? The one with the big tits!
13689 There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
13691 There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
13692 they notice a sapling half-way between them.
13693 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
13694 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
13695 "A son of a BEECH!"
13696 "A son of a BIRCH!"
13700 The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
13701 kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
13702 the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
13703 beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
13704 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
13705 I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
13707 There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
13708 woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
13710 There is a God, but He drinks.
13713 There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
13714 the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
13716 There is a young faggot named Mose
13717 Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
13718 And you'll double the joy
13719 Of this lecherous boy
13720 If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
13722 There is a young lady named Aird,
13723 Whose bottom is always kept bared.
13724 When asked why she pouts,
13725 She says "The Boy Scouts,
13726 All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
13728 There is nothing as overrated as a bad
13729 lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
13731 There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
13732 Boring your friends about it is the sin.
13735 There once was a man named Eugene
13736 Who invented a screwing machine
13738 It served either sex
13739 And it played with itself in between.
13741 There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
13742 And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
13743 Where seagulls flew over their nest.
13744 She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
13745 And caused her to tickle and itch.
13746 The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
13747 A sittin' out there on the rocks."
13748 The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
13749 And crowded four deep to the rail.
13750 All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
13752 "Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
13753 And soon we will certainly find
13754 If mermaids are better before or be... brave
13755 My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
13756 And cursing with spleen.
13757 This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
13758 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
13760 There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
13761 glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
13762 man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
13763 and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
13764 front page before discarding it?"
13765 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
13766 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
13767 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
13768 be on the front page."
13769 -- Attributed to FDR
13771 There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
13772 driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
13773 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
13774 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
13775 discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
13777 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
13778 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was
13779 downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive
13780 lady, and she asked the same question.
13781 He answered: "I'm a Republican."
13782 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
13783 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
13784 skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take
13785 it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been
13786 a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
13788 There was a young tenor named Springer,
13789 Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
13790 He hollered in pain,
13791 As they rolled down the drain,
13792 "There goes my career as a singer!"
13794 There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
13795 rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
13796 or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
13797 the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
13798 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
13799 tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
13800 feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
13801 but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
13802 participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
13803 in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
13804 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
13805 and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
13806 room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
13807 some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
13810 There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
13811 brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
13812 follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
13813 good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
13814 corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
13815 assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
13816 and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
13817 the following pitch.
13818 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
13819 of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
13820 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
13821 in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
13822 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
13825 There was something about her I liked,
13826 but I couldn't put my finger on it.
13828 There were the Scots
13829 Who kept the Sabbath
13830 And everything else they could lay their hands on.
13831 Then there were the Welsh
13832 Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
13833 Thirdly there were the Irish
13834 Who never knew what they wanted
13835 But were willing to fight for it anyway.
13836 Lastly there were the English
13837 Who considered themselves a self-made nation
13838 Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
13840 There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
13841 a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
13842 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
13844 There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
13845 treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
13846 soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
13847 not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
13848 limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
13849 in their own movie, let alone direct it.
13850 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
13852 There's a vas deferens between men and women.
13854 There's amnesia in a hangknot,
13855 And comfort in the ax,
13856 But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
13857 There's surcease in a gunshot,
13858 And sleep that comes from racks,
13859 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
13860 You find rest on the hot squat,
13861 Or gas can give you pax,
13862 But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
13863 There's refuge in the church lot
13864 When you tire of facing facts,
13865 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
13866 Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
13867 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
13868 But the pleasantest place to find your end
13869 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
13870 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
13872 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
13873 really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
13877 There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
13879 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13880 #15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
13882 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13883 #27 -- Use an electric sander.
13885 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13886 #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
13888 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
13889 #33 -- A bicycle pump.
13891 There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
13892 and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
13895 There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
13898 They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
13901 They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
13902 lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
13903 light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
13904 She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
13905 barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
13906 thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
13907 she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
13908 father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
13909 uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness,
13910 spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
13911 again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
13912 mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
13913 "Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
13914 burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
13915 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
13917 This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
13918 Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
13919 took my Russian watch.
13920 Desk Sergeant: Come again?
13921 Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
13922 took my Russian watch.
13923 DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
13924 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who
13925 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
13926 Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
13928 This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
13929 stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
13930 looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
13931 stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
13932 desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
13933 one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
13934 decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
13935 and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
13936 steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
13937 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
13938 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
13939 the shit hit the fan?"
13941 This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
13942 really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
13943 him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
13944 the patient a week later.
13945 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
13946 good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
13948 This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
13949 -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
13950 other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
13951 git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
13952 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
13953 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
13954 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
13955 to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
13956 stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
13957 all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
13958 She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
13959 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
13960 explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
13961 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
13962 me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
13964 This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
13966 Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13967 Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
13968 M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13969 T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
13970 M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13971 T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
13973 The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
13974 manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
13976 Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
13977 M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
13978 Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
13979 that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
13980 M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
13981 open a fuckin' savings account!"
13982 Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
13984 This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
13985 "My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
13986 himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
13987 except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
13988 "Do you always jog in the nude?"
13989 "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
13990 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
13991 "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
13992 "Do you always wear a condom?"
13993 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
13995 This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
13996 obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
13997 and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
13998 off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
13999 affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
14000 on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
14001 tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
14002 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
14003 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
14004 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
14005 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
14007 This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
14008 actual emergency, you would have known it!
14010 This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
14012 This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
14013 "di-dah" for the filthy words:
14015 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
14016 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
14017 di-dah di-dah di-dah?
14018 Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
14019 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
14021 This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
14022 stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
14023 the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
14024 with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
14025 off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
14026 mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
14027 During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
14028 prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
14029 prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
14030 Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
14031 weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
14032 bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
14033 news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
14034 of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
14035 later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
14036 be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
14037 going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
14038 and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
14039 a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
14040 dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
14042 This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
14044 This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
14049 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
14052 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
14054 Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
14055 the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
14056 of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
14057 had to break the news to his wife.
14058 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
14059 poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her
14060 tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
14061 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
14064 Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
14065 be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
14066 over in their tight pants.
14067 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
14068 costumes, and think of the holds."
14069 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
14070 pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
14071 right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
14072 rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
14073 `Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
14075 Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
14076 a bowl of Wheaties.
14079 Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
14080 and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
14081 women will take a little longer.
14084 Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
14085 however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
14086 for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
14087 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
14088 on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it
14089 never rains when you have your laundry out?"
14090 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
14091 my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
14092 going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
14093 it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
14094 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
14095 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
14097 Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
14098 better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
14099 going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
14100 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
14101 alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
14102 sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
14104 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
14105 flee," said the first girl.
14106 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
14108 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
14109 but I fail to see the problem."
14111 three-bag ugly, adj:
14112 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
14113 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
14116 four-bag ugly, adj:
14117 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
14119 Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
14120 You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
14122 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
14123 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
14125 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
14126 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
14128 Tim and I a hunting went
14129 We found three damsels in a tent,
14130 As they were three, and we were two,
14131 I bucked one and Timbuktu.
14132 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
14134 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
14135 Before his life is done,
14136 To write three lines of APL,
14137 And make the damn things run.
14139 To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
14141 To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
14143 To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
14144 then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
14145 to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
14146 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
14148 Today is gonna be one helluva week!
14151 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
14153 Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
14154 -- An American astronaut
14157 A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
14159 Tourist to New Yorker:
14160 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
14161 just go fuck myself?"
14164 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
14166 Tri Delts; everyone else has.
14169 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
14172 T-shirt of the Day:
14173 Head for the Mountains
14174 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
14176 Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
14177 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
14178 -- courtesy someone else
14180 T-shirt of the Day:
14187 T-shirt of the Week:
14188 I'm not excited, I'm cold!
14190 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
14191 Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
14192 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
14193 And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
14195 "Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
14196 The looks that melt, the claws that and through
14197 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
14198 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
14199 The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
14201 He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
14202 Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
14203 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
14204 So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
14205 And paused to smoke some pot.
14206 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
14207 Did groove and trip out at the pad:
14208 All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
14209 And the Radcliffe undergrad.
14211 Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
14212 twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
14215 Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
14216 The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
14217 side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
14219 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
14220 they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
14222 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
14223 looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
14224 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta
14225 you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
14226 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
14227 you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
14228 you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
14230 Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
14231 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
14232 "No, old man, what about him?"
14233 "Last seen in Africa, you know."
14235 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
14237 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
14239 Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
14240 whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
14242 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
14243 the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
14244 and went back to where his companion was waiting.
14245 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
14246 and the other's my mistress!"
14247 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
14248 before reaching the green.
14249 "What's wrong?" Bill asked.
14250 "Small world, isn't it?"
14252 Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
14254 Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
14255 had been doing, she committed suicide.
14257 Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
14258 had been doing, they buried her.
14260 Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
14261 had been doing, they dug her back up.
14263 Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
14264 boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
14265 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
14266 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
14267 alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
14268 Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
14269 to work. I feel like a bull!"
14270 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
14271 to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
14272 wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
14273 to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
14274 again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
14275 time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
14276 for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
14277 he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
14278 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
14279 never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
14280 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
14281 that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
14283 Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
14284 lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
14286 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
14287 ought to get to know him a little first."
14289 Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
14290 Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
14291 me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
14292 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
14293 nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
14295 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
14296 your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
14297 all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
14298 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
14299 on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
14301 Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
14302 church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
14303 nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
14304 superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
14305 strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
14307 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
14309 Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
14310 that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
14312 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
14313 as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
14314 make love to your wife?"
14315 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
14317 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
14318 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
14319 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
14320 pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
14322 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
14323 of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
14324 all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
14326 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
14328 Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
14329 were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
14330 went along these lines:
14331 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
14332 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
14333 and this continued for quite sometime.
14334 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
14335 'womb'" and trotted off.
14336 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
14337 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
14338 let alone heard one fart underwater."
14340 Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a
14341 hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden
14342 leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
14344 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
14345 vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
14346 a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put
14347 on. How did you lose your leg?"
14348 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
14349 terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?"
14350 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
14351 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all
14352 these years, does it?"
14353 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
14354 a seagull shit in my eye."
14355 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
14356 you would *lose* the eye..."
14357 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
14359 Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
14360 in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
14361 one asked his companion.
14363 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
14365 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
14366 them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
14367 at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
14369 Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
14370 cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
14371 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
14372 I must admit, we've had some problems."
14373 "Problems? What's wrong?"
14374 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
14375 wants to shove his fist up my ass."
14377 Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
14378 disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
14379 men remarked to his friend,
14380 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
14381 good for a man's virility?"
14382 "Yes, why?" the friend replied.
14383 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
14384 dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
14386 Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass
14387 S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress;
14388 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life
14389 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid,"
14390 Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass.
14393 Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
14394 bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
14396 Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
14398 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
14400 Unfair animal names:
14402 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
14403 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
14404 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
14407 Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
14409 UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
14411 Unix programmers do it with pipes.
14413 Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
14414 on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
14415 had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
14416 man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
14417 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
14418 wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
14419 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
14420 muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
14422 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
14423 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
14424 love her," sympathized the executive.
14425 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
14428 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
14429 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
14430 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
14431 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
14434 "Don't speak to the bus driver."
14436 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
14438 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
14440 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
14442 "Don't answer the driver."
14444 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14446 AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
14447 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
14449 FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
14450 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
14451 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
14453 SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
14454 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
14456 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14458 AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
14459 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
14460 travel in the trunk of your car.
14462 FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
14463 GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
14464 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
14465 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
14468 KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
14469 I will tell you the names and addresses of
14470 many American spies traveling as reporters.
14472 Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
14474 MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
14475 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
14476 this confession of capital crimes.
14478 MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
14479 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
14481 TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
14482 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
14483 I must have the recipe.
14485 ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
14486 DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
14487 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
14488 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
14490 USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
14491 massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
14492 a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
14496 User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
14497 Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
14498 upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
14499 sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
14500 be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
14501 looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
14502 well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
14503 permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
14504 is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
14505 completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
14506 especially if special features and options are utilized.
14508 vacation;look;find;talk;grep;touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;workbone; \
14509 fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;eject;umount;make clean;zip;split;done;exit
14512 The box a penis comes in.
14514 vaginal lubricant, n:
14517 Vandalism On The Upswing!
14518 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
14519 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
14520 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
14521 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
14523 Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
14526 The gift that keeps on giving.
14528 Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
14530 Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
14531 ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
14532 Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
14533 it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
14534 to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
14535 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
14538 (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
14540 Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
14541 back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
14542 with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
14543 an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
14544 You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
14545 less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
14546 you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't
14547 know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
14552 An ugly third grader.
14554 Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
14555 which takes but one prick to break.
14558 VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
14559 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
14560 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
14561 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
14562 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
14564 Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
14565 divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
14566 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
14567 in unusual sex practices?"
14568 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
14571 W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
14572 but you sure as hell can see it from there!
14574 Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
14576 War is menstruation envy.
14578 Was it you that did the pushin',
14579 Left the stains upon the cushion,
14580 The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
14581 Was it you, you little pecker,
14582 That got into my Rebecca,
14583 If you did, you'd better leave this town!
14585 Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
14586 Left the stains upon the cushion,
14587 Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
14588 But since I stuck your daughter,
14589 I've had trouble passin' water,
14590 So I guess we're kind of even all around!
14593 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
14595 Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
14597 Watching girls go passing by
14598 It ain't the latest thing
14599 I'm just standing in a doorway
14600 I'm just trying to make some sense
14601 Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves
14602 The tales they tell of men Remember what I said
14603 I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady
14604 I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend
14607 Don't need no booze
14608 Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
14609 But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth
14610 I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady
14611 I'm just waiting on a friend
14612 I'm just waiting on a friend
14613 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
14615 Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
14618 We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
14619 we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
14620 inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
14621 when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
14622 only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your
14623 Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
14624 he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
14625 and stink to Heaven.
14626 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
14628 We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
14632 We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
14633 then things get worse.
14635 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
14636 -- Pat Paulsen for President
14638 We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
14641 We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
14642 Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
14643 Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
14644 And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
14646 Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
14648 Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
14649 Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
14650 Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
14651 (Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
14653 Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
14654 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
14656 We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
14658 We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
14659 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
14661 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
14665 We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
14666 with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
14667 and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
14668 fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
14669 called civilization and its discontents.
14670 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
14672 We have reason to believe that man first
14673 walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
14677 We must increase our bust!
14678 The bigger the better!
14679 The tighter the sweater!
14680 And the boys will think more of us!
14682 We sailed on the good ship Venus,
14683 My God, you should have seen us
14686 And the mast an upright penis
14688 The captain of the lugger
14689 Was known as a filthy bugger
14692 From one ship to another
14694 The first mate's name was Cooper,
14695 By god he was a trooper
14696 He jerked and jerked
14698 Himself into a stupor
14700 The cabin boy was chipper,
14701 A dandy little nipper
14702 He shoved cracked glass
14704 And circumcised the skipper
14706 The captain's wife was Charlotte,
14707 Born and bred a harlot
14708 Her thighs at night
14710 By morning they were scarlet
14712 The captain's youngest daughter
14713 Slipped into the water
14714 Her plaintive squeals
14715 Announced that eels
14716 Had found her sexual quarter
14718 The ship's dog's name was Rover,
14719 They turned the poor beast over
14720 And ground and ground
14721 That faithful hound
14722 From Tenerief to Dover
14724 We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
14725 country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.
14728 We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
14731 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
14732 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
14733 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
14734 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
14737 In the church of Aphrodite,
14738 The priestess wears a see through nightie,
14739 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
14740 And she's good enough for me!
14743 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
14744 Give me that old time religion,
14745 Give me that old time religion,
14746 'Cause it's good enough for me!
14748 Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
14749 We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
14750 There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
14751 Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
14752 Come inside, the show's about to start,
14753 Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
14754 Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
14755 Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
14756 You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
14757 You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
14758 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
14760 Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
14761 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
14762 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
14763 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
14764 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
14765 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
14766 have two days to reach us at:
14769 Behind the hot water pipes,
14770 Third stall from the end,
14771 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
14773 Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
14774 This is the first of a series of revelations which could
14775 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
14776 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
14777 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
14778 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
14779 2: What you were doing.
14780 3: The names of the three people involved.
14781 4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
14782 5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
14784 Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
14785 not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
14786 up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
14787 always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
14788 joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
14789 y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
14790 provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
14791 y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
14792 mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
14793 too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
14794 "Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
14795 romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
14796 up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
14797 something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
14798 records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
14799 morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
14800 around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
14801 around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
14802 about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
14803 spend a little time with myself.
14804 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
14806 Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
14807 By all of the lads in his class
14808 He said, with a yawn,
14809 "Now the novelty's gone
14810 And it's only a pain in the ass."
14812 Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
14815 Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
14816 Excitable boy, they all said!
14817 And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
14818 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14820 He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
14821 Excitable boy, they all said!
14822 And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
14823 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14825 He took little Susie to the junior prom,
14826 Excitable boy, they all said!
14827 And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
14828 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
14830 After ten long years they let him out of the home,
14831 Excitable boy, they all said!
14832 And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
14833 Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
14834 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
14836 Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
14837 I hope they comin' for me!
14838 And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
14839 I hope they doin' it for free!
14840 They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
14841 First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
14842 Got it from the kitty next door...
14843 I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
14844 I think I got it some more!
14845 Got a bad scratch fever...
14846 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
14848 "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
14849 "And told my wife to try it on top.
14850 She bounced for an hour,
14851 Till she ran out of power,
14852 And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
14854 Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
14855 They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
14856 They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
14857 I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
14859 Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
14860 No bras left, just a queer over there.
14861 But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
14862 I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
14864 My baby's not a sports fan,
14865 But she plays with balls whenever she can.
14866 'Cause her favorite sport you see,
14867 Is playing tonsil hockey.
14869 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
14870 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
14871 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
14872 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
14873 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
14875 Well, I'd left home just a week before,
14876 And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
14877 But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
14878 And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
14879 Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
14880 But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
14881 La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola.
14884 Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
14885 down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to
14886 find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find
14887 a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
14888 beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen
14889 and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
14890 rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
14891 that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..."
14892 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to
14895 "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
14896 While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
14897 "'Twere better, perhaps,
14898 In the crypt or the apse,
14899 Because sex in the nave must be shared."
14901 Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
14903 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
14905 Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
14906 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
14908 Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
14909 she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
14910 her twice and slapped her.
14912 Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
14913 my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
14914 you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
14916 Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
14917 backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
14918 experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
14919 though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
14920 your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
14921 So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
14922 that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
14923 or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
14924 distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
14925 tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
14928 Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
14929 a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
14930 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
14932 Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile
14933 and not very much of a bird.
14934 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
14935 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
14936 "very much like people".
14938 Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
14939 a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out
14940 and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
14942 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister
14943 hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after
14944 thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
14947 We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
14948 philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
14950 WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
14951 [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
14952 reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
14953 Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
14954 Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
14955 unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
14956 though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
14957 President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
14958 they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
14960 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
14963 Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
14964 of a chambermaid as a duchess.
14967 Wesley: I have in fact faced two vampires myself. Under controlled
14968 circumstances of course.
14969 Giles: No danger of finding those here.
14971 Giles: Controlled circumstances.
14972 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
14973 Season 3, Episode 14
14976 Overnight sensation.
14978 We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
14979 divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
14980 but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
14981 poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
14982 "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
14984 We've got things well in hand.
14985 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California
14987 We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
14988 various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
14989 to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
14990 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
14992 What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
14993 she would look without them.
14996 What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
14998 What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
14999 I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
15000 my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
15002 What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
15003 A Dan Quayle watch.
15005 What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
15006 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
15008 Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
15010 What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
15013 What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
15014 An incurable romantic.
15016 What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
15018 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
15021 What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
15024 Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
15026 What the fuck, over?
15028 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
15030 What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
15032 What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
15033 Our Standardized Model should please even you,
15034 Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
15035 It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
15036 Yet your state of the union penultimate large
15037 Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
15038 And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
15039 Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
15040 Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
15041 For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
15042 But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
15043 Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
15044 Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
15045 You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
15046 That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
15047 Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
15048 Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
15049 Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
15050 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
15052 What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
15053 better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
15054 There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
15055 did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
15056 on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
15057 Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
15058 funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
15059 supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
15060 make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
15061 and great art to make life not so serious.
15062 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
15064 Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
15066 What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
15068 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
15070 What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
15071 Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
15073 When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
15075 When a man grows old and his balls
15076 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink
15077 And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell
15078 When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15079 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
15080 He can tell a tale or two.
15082 When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15083 Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15084 It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad,
15085 And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
15086 So the shooting ain't so bad.
15087 There was rarely a day without a lay
15088 And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
15089 For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
15090 Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of
15092 Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week.
15093 And a bison cow or so;
15094 And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
15095 This fucking was mighty slow.
15096 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
15098 When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
15100 When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
15101 I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
15102 In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
15103 Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
15104 Well, the men don't know,
15105 They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
15106 shot full of holes,
15107 Nurse try to save a soul.
15108 Killed her for murder first degree,
15109 Judge what tried let the man go free.
15111 Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
15112 Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
15113 When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
15114 I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
15115 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
15117 When God created man, She was only testing.
15119 When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
15120 -- Charles Merrill Smith
15122 When he tried to inject his huge whanger
15123 A young man aroused his girl's anger.
15124 As they strove in the dark
15125 She was heard to remark,
15126 "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
15128 When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
15129 lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
15130 honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
15131 fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
15132 to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
15133 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
15134 Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
15135 the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
15136 "I've got to lay you or Jack off."
15137 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
15139 When I need something
15141 I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
15142 With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
15143 Smart guys are nowhere Superman
15144 They make demands With a lobotomy
15145 Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard
15146 With talented hands My brother's out of Yale
15147 I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night
15148 And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail
15149 I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me
15150 For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot
15151 But the way he growled and bit me
15152 The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots
15154 In love till we're done The bigger they are
15155 Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
15157 For a good-looking jerk
15158 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
15160 When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
15161 kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
15162 "Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
15165 You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two
15166 months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a
15167 vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
15171 When in calling, plain speaking is out;
15172 When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
15173 You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
15174 You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
15175 It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
15176 When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
15177 But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
15178 It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
15181 When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
15182 rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
15184 When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
15186 When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
15187 pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
15188 a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
15189 a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
15190 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
15192 Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
15194 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
15196 When the candles are out all women are fair.
15199 When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
15200 selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
15201 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
15202 "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
15203 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching
15204 item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?"
15205 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
15206 sell you that one for less than a hundred."
15208 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
15209 going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
15210 vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
15211 bucks for my Thermos."
15213 When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
15214 -- Old Jewish saying
15216 [How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
15218 When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
15220 When they tell me to stick it where
15221 the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
15223 When things go wrong as they usually will,
15224 And your daily road seems all uphill,
15225 When funds are low and debts are high,
15226 When you try to smile, but can only cry --
15227 And you really feel you'd like to quit,
15228 Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
15230 When you and I are far apart
15231 Can sorrow break your tender heart?
15232 I love you darling, yes I do;
15233 Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
15234 All you are is a blossoming rose.
15235 Night is here so I must close.
15236 With care read the first word of each line.
15237 You will find a question of mine.
15238 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX
15240 When you're lying on the bed,
15241 And the thought is in your head,
15242 But the feeling is way down between your legs,
15243 Take your problem in your hand,
15244 And beat it to the band,
15245 And try your best to keep it off the walls.
15247 Don't let your lover tell you,
15248 Don't let anybody sell you,
15249 That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
15250 For I've rid myself of fears,
15251 (I've been doing it for years)
15252 And now I have an erection all the time.
15254 Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
15257 Which of the following doesn't belong?
15264 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
15265 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
15267 While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
15268 was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
15269 hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
15270 will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
15271 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
15272 into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
15273 curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
15274 magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
15276 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
15277 mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
15279 While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
15280 scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
15283 While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
15285 While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
15286 In thought on this and that,
15287 A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
15288 A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
15289 Why didst thou feel that my best hat
15290 "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
15291 And brings joy to my heart.
15292 But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
15293 Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
15294 For thy hat I thought was my nest,
15295 I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
15296 His words to better mull,
15297 Then lifted up a paving block
15298 And crushed his fucking skull.
15299 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
15301 While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
15302 might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
15303 him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
15304 only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
15305 girl with languorous eyes.
15306 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
15307 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
15315 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
15316 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
15317 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
15319 Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
15321 Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
15322 Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
15323 it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
15326 Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
15328 Why I am an atheist:
15330 1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
15331 2. God is the highest power.
15332 3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
15333 4. We should all strive to be like God.
15334 5. We should all be atheists.
15336 Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
15340 Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
15341 Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
15343 Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
15344 then she isn't good enough for you.
15346 Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
15347 who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
15348 would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
15349 stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
15352 ...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
15353 you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it.
15354 If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you
15355 lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
15356 of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
15357 and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose.
15358 -- Edmund Carlevale
15360 Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
15361 Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
15362 Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
15363 It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
15365 At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
15366 Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
15367 "'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
15368 When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
15370 Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
15372 With a bushel of apples, you can have
15373 a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
15376 Something to thwow at a wabbit.
15378 Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
15379 hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
15380 movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
15381 what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
15382 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
15384 Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
15386 Women should be obscene and not heard.
15388 Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
15389 be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
15392 Women Unite! Make *_
\bh_
\bi_
\bm* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
15394 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
15395 -- Graffito in a women's restroom
15397 Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
15399 Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
15400 you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
15402 Working here is like a pregnancy.
15403 After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
15405 World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
15406 a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
15407 The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
15408 Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
15409 settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
15410 postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
15411 appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
15412 Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
15413 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
15414 the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
15415 Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
15416 said, "It will be done."
15417 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
15418 wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
15419 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
15420 shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
15421 avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
15422 thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
15425 Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
15426 problem down the hall?
15428 Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
15430 Writers do it between periods.
15432 Xander: Let me tell you something. When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
15433 and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever. I always think,
15434 "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's
15435 dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
15436 Buffy: Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
15437 Xander: It's a deal.
15438 -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
15439 Season 1, Episode 1
15441 Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
15442 realized I was just flogging a dead horse.
15444 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
15445 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
15446 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
15448 Yesterday is a memory,
15449 Tomorrow is a vision,
15452 You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
15453 wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
15454 (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
15455 age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
15456 introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
15457 handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
15458 such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
15459 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
15461 You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
15462 only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
15463 as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
15466 You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
15468 You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
15469 uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
15472 (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
15473 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
15476 (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
15477 to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
15479 (c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
15480 blow your nose on your sock.
15482 You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
15483 and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
15484 thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
15486 You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
15488 You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
15489 your girlfriend gets the munchies!
15491 You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!
15492 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
15494 You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
15496 You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
15497 The first three days are the hardest.
15500 You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
15501 -- Frederick B. Artz
15503 You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
15504 pick your friend's nose.
15506 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
15507 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
15509 You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
15511 -- Heathcote Williams
15513 You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
15515 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
15516 and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
15517 there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
15519 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
15522 (b) Ask what position she played.
15524 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
15526 You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
15527 are the biggest bastards on earth.
15530 You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
15531 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
15532 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
15534 You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
15535 It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
15536 a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
15538 You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
15540 You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
15542 You see that fucking fish?
15543 If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
15546 You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
15548 You wanna play the dozens,
15549 Well, the dozens is a game,
15550 But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
15553 You will always have friends
15554 Some friends will peter out.
15555 But I'll always be your friend,
15556 Peter in or peter out.
15558 You'll be a guest at a gay party.
15559 That will have important consequences for you.
15561 Young men want to be faithful and are not;
15562 old men want to be faithless and cannot.
15565 Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
15567 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
15568 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
15570 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
15571 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
15572 -- they were the birth control poster child.
15573 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
15574 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
15575 get the puppy to play with them.
15576 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
15578 Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
15579 shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
15582 Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
15583 there are more important things in life than great sex.
15588 SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
15589 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
15590 motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
15591 Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
15592 But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
15594 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
15595 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
15596 My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
15597 out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
15598 both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
15600 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
15601 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
15602 extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
15603 accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for
15604 what you are than loved for what you're not.
15606 Your spooning days are over,
15607 And your pilot light is out;
15608 When what used to be your sex appeal
15609 Is now your water spout!
15611 You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
15615 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
15616 I just gave my sister's cherry away!
15617 To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
15618 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.