1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
72 -- Gifts for Children --
74 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
75 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
76 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
77 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
78 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
79 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
80 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
81 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
82 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
83 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
84 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
88 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
89 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
90 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
91 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
92 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
93 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
94 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
95 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
96 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
97 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
98 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
100 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
101 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
109 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
110 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
111 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
115 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
116 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
117 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
122 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
123 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
124 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
125 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
126 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
127 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
128 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
129 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
130 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
131 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
132 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
133 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
134 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
136 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
138 Has your family tried 'em?
142 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
144 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
145 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
149 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
150 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
151 stains that indicate freshness.
153 It's grad exam time...
155 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
156 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
157 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
158 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
159 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
162 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
163 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
164 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
167 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
169 It's grad exam time...
171 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
172 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
173 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
176 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
177 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
178 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
179 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
182 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
183 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
184 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
186 Pittsburgh driver's test
188 a) extremely dangerous.
190 c) the fault of the previous administration.
191 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
192 The correct answer is b.
193 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
194 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
195 you have nothing to worry about.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
198 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
200 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
203 The correct answer is d.
204 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
206 Pittsburgh driver's test
207 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
208 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
209 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
211 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
212 The correct answer is d.
213 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
215 Answer c is worth a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
223 The correct answer is b.
224 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
225 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
226 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
229 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
230 How often should you test it?
235 The correct answer is d.
236 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
237 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
241 but a steady left tail light. This means
242 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
243 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
244 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
245 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
246 d) The driver is from out of town.
247 The correct answer is d.
248 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
255 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
256 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
257 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
260 Pittsburgh driver's test
261 9: Roads are salted in order to
266 The correct answer is c.
267 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
268 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
269 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
272 THE STORY OF CREATION
276 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
277 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
278 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
279 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
280 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
281 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
282 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
285 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
288 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
289 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
290 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
291 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
292 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
294 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
295 he met the traveling salesman.
296 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
297 in high-level language.
298 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
299 and Apples," commented Jack.
300 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
301 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
302 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
303 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
305 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
306 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
309 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
311 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
312 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
315 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
316 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
317 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
318 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
319 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
324 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
325 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
326 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
328 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
329 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
330 Know what to kiss -- and when.
331 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
333 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
334 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
335 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
336 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
338 You are a fluke of the universe ...
339 You have no right to be here.
340 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
341 Is laughing behind your back.
345 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
347 Double bucky, you're the one!
348 You make my keyboard lots of fun
349 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
351 Control and Meta side by side,
352 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
353 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
355 Double bucky, left and right
356 OR'd together, outta sight!
357 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
358 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
359 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
361 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
363 Hard Copies and Chmod
365 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
366 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
367 user-hostile software
369 of course they're only bits and bytes
370 and characters and strings
373 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
374 telling me he loves me and
375 he'll take care of me
377 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
378 deep intimate secrets and
379 how he doesn't trust me
381 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
382 on personal stationery
383 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
385 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
386 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
387 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
388 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
390 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
391 neither has street credibility.
392 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
393 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
395 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
397 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
398 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
399 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
400 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
401 up of western dualism?
402 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
405 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
406 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
407 All kludgy were the function flows
408 And subroutines adhoc.
410 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
411 squrooneg, the false goto
412 Beware the infiniteloop
413 And shun the inprectoo.
415 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
416 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
417 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
418 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
419 when you hit the ground.
420 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
421 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
422 to psychological problems.
423 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
424 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
425 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
426 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
427 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
428 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
429 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
430 staggering illegally.
431 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
432 sanitary due to limited circulation.
433 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
436 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
437 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
438 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
439 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
440 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
441 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
442 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
443 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
444 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
445 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
446 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
447 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
448 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
449 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
450 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
451 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
452 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
453 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
454 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
457 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
459 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
460 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
462 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
463 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
464 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
466 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
467 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
468 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
469 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
470 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
471 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
473 The Three Major Kind of Tools
475 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
476 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
477 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
478 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
480 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
482 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
483 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
484 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
485 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
486 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
488 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
489 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
490 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
491 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
492 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
493 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
494 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
495 And we've also found Just flip one switch
496 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
497 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
499 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
500 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
501 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
503 'Twas the Night before Crisis
505 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
506 Not a program was working not even a browse.
507 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
508 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
509 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
510 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
511 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
512 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
513 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
514 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
515 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
516 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
517 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
518 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
519 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
520 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
521 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
522 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
524 What I Did During My Fall Semester
525 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
526 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
527 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
529 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
530 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
531 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
533 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
534 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
535 I found a thesis topic:
536 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
537 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
538 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
540 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
542 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
543 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
544 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
545 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
546 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
547 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
548 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
549 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
550 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
551 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
552 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
553 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
554 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
555 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
556 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
557 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
563 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
567 The integral of z squared, dz
568 From 1 to the square root of 3
571 Is the log of the cube root of e
575 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
576 Plans to "Eat it later"
578 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
580 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
581 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
582 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
583 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
584 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
585 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
586 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
587 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
588 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
589 you should blame when you make a mistake.
591 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
592 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
593 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
595 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
597 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
600 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
601 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
602 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
603 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
604 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
605 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
606 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
607 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
608 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
609 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
610 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
611 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
612 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
613 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
614 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
616 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
617 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
618 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
619 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
620 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
622 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
623 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
624 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
625 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
627 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
628 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
629 try this simple test:
630 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
631 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
632 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
633 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
634 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
635 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
637 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
639 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
640 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
641 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
642 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
643 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
644 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
645 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
646 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
647 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
648 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
649 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
650 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
651 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
652 yourself in the morning.
655 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
657 System going down in 60 seconds
661 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
662 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
663 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
664 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
665 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
666 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
667 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
668 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
669 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
670 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
671 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
673 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
675 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
678 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2
679 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
682 A dozen, a gross and a score,
683 Plus three times the square root of four,
685 Plus five times eleven,
686 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
688 7,140 pounds on the Sun
689 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
691 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
692 43 pounds on the Moon
693 648 pounds on Jupiter
695 303 pounds on Neptune
698 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
701 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
702 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
703 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
704 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
706 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
707 of carp-to-carp walleting."
709 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
710 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
711 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
712 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
713 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
714 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
715 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
716 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
717 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
718 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
720 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
721 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
722 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
723 have what I think is a pretty good act."
724 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
725 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
726 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
727 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
728 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
729 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
730 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
731 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
732 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
733 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
736 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
739 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
740 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
741 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
742 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
743 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
745 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
746 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
747 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
748 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
749 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
750 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
751 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
752 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
753 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
754 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
756 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
757 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
759 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
760 house of seven gobbles.
762 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
763 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
764 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
765 sadly, "runneth over."
767 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
768 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
769 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
770 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
771 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
772 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
774 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
775 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
776 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
777 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
778 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
779 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
780 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
781 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
782 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
783 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
784 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
785 only blurt out, "What happened?"
786 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
787 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
788 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
789 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
790 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
791 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
793 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
794 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
795 brother and inquires after his pet.
796 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
797 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
798 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
799 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
800 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
801 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
802 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
803 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
805 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
808 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
809 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
810 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
812 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
813 book The Martian Chronicles?"
815 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
818 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
819 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
821 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
822 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
824 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
825 The housewife replied, "Four!".
826 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
827 through my spread sheet one more time."
828 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
829 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
831 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
832 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
833 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
835 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
836 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
837 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
838 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
839 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
840 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
842 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
843 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
844 The bartender ignores him.
845 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
847 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
848 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
849 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
850 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
851 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
852 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
853 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
855 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
856 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
857 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
858 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
859 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
860 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
861 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
862 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
863 told, "that one is 150,000."
864 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
865 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
866 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
867 -- being told in Poland, 1987
869 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
870 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
871 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
872 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
873 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
875 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
877 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
878 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
879 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
880 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
881 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
882 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
883 little more ... that's it."
884 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
885 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
886 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
887 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
888 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
889 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
890 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
891 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
893 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
894 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
895 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
896 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
897 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
898 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
899 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
900 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
902 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
903 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
904 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
905 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
906 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
907 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
908 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
909 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
911 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
912 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
913 was making a bolt for the door.
915 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
916 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
917 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
918 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
921 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
922 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
924 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
926 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
927 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
929 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
930 how long will it take?"
931 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
932 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
933 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
934 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
935 The programmer agreed to this.
936 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
937 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
938 He had been programming all night.
939 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
941 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
942 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
943 manager retained his job.
944 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
945 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
946 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
947 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
948 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
949 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
950 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
951 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
952 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
953 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
955 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
956 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
957 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
958 resigned on the spot.
959 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
960 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
961 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
962 hours of the morning.
963 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
965 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
966 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
967 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
968 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
969 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
970 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
971 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
972 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
973 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
975 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
977 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
978 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
979 he said, "may I examine it?"
980 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
981 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
982 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
983 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
985 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
987 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
988 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
989 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
991 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
992 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
994 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
995 "It is," came the reply.
996 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
997 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
998 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
999 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1000 over for today," he said.
1001 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1005 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1006 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1007 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1008 today's minute attention span.
1010 The Troubled Aardvark
1012 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1013 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1014 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1015 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1016 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1017 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1018 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1019 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1020 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1021 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1022 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1024 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1027 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1028 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1030 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1031 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1032 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1033 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1034 "If what?" asked the composer.
1035 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1037 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1038 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1039 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1040 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1041 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1042 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1043 power-down sequence.
1044 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1045 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1046 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1049 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1050 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1051 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1052 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1053 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1054 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1055 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1056 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1057 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1058 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1061 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1062 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1063 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1064 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1065 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1066 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1067 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1068 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1069 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1070 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1072 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1073 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1075 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1076 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1077 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1079 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1080 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1081 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1082 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1083 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1084 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1086 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1087 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1088 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1089 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1090 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1091 unnatural entity exist?"
1092 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1093 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1094 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1095 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1096 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1098 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1100 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1101 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1102 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1103 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1104 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1105 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1106 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1108 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1109 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1110 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1111 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1114 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1115 "A dollar for your death."
1118 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1119 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1120 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1121 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1122 party. He walked out into the night.
1123 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1124 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1126 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1127 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1128 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1130 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1131 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1132 has killed them all.
1133 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1134 went out to be killed?
1135 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1136 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1138 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1139 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1140 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1141 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1142 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1144 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1145 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1146 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1147 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1149 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1150 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1151 way that astonishes him least.
1152 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1153 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1155 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1156 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1158 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1160 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1161 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1162 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1163 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1164 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1165 made rude noises during my presentation."
1166 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1167 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1168 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1169 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1170 with social conventions?"
1171 "They are alive within the Tao."
1172 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1174 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1175 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1176 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1179 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1180 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1181 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1182 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1183 which contained twelve more loons.
1184 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1185 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1186 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1187 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1189 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1190 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1191 his wellness potential."
1193 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1194 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1196 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1197 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1199 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1200 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1202 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1203 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1204 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1205 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1206 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1207 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1208 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1209 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1211 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1213 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1214 "This is a parson to parson call."
1215 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1216 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1217 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1218 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1219 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1220 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1221 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1222 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1223 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1226 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1227 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1228 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1230 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1231 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1232 really want to know.
1233 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1234 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1236 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1237 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1238 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1239 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1240 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1241 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1242 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1243 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1244 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1245 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1246 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1247 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1248 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1249 going to it is so large.
1250 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1251 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1252 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1253 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1254 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1255 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1256 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1258 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1259 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1260 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1261 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1262 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1263 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1264 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1265 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1266 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1268 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1269 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1270 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1271 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1272 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1273 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1274 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1276 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1278 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1280 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1281 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1282 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1283 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1284 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1285 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1286 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1288 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1289 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1290 suck the poison from the wound."
1291 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1292 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1293 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1294 who my real friends are."
1296 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1297 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1298 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1300 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1301 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1302 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1303 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1304 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1305 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1306 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1307 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1308 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1309 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1312 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1313 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1314 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1315 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1316 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1318 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1319 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1320 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1322 "This is true," He replied.
1323 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1324 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1325 right to make his laws?"
1326 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1329 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1331 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1332 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1333 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1334 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1335 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1336 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1339 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1340 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1341 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1342 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1344 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1345 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1346 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1347 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1348 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1349 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1350 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1351 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1352 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1353 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1354 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1355 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1356 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1357 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1358 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1359 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1362 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1363 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1364 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1365 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1367 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1368 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1369 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1372 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1373 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1374 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1375 These are the things I learned:
1379 Put things back where you found them.
1380 Clean up your own mess.
1381 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1382 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1383 Wash your hands before you eat.
1385 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1386 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1387 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1388 Take a nap every afternoon.
1389 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1391 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1392 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1393 how or why, but we are all like that.
1394 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1395 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1396 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1397 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1398 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1399 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1401 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1402 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1403 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1404 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1405 and to clean up their own mess.
1406 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1407 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1408 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1409 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1411 All that you touch, And all you create,
1412 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1413 All that you taste, All that you do,
1414 All you feel, And all you say,
1415 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1416 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1417 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1418 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1419 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1420 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1421 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1422 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1424 But the sun is eclipsed
1427 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1428 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1430 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1431 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1432 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1433 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1435 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1436 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1437 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1438 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1439 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1440 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1441 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1442 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1443 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1444 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1445 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1446 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1448 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1449 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1450 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1451 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1453 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1454 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1456 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1457 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1458 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1459 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1460 is ready to build a second system.
1461 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1462 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1463 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1464 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1466 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1467 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1468 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1469 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1471 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1472 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1473 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1474 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1475 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1476 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1478 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1479 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1480 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1481 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1482 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1483 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1485 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1486 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1487 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1488 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1491 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1492 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1493 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1494 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1495 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1496 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1497 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1498 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1499 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1500 this head and pulls the trigger.
1501 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1503 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1504 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1506 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1507 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1508 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1509 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1510 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1511 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1512 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1513 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1514 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1515 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1516 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1517 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1518 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1519 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1521 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1522 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1523 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1524 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1525 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1526 hour seems like a minute."
1527 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1528 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1529 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1531 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1532 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1533 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1534 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1535 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1536 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1537 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1539 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1540 asked the father of his little son.
1543 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1544 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1545 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1546 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1547 can at least make a decision."
1548 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1549 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1550 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1551 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1553 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1554 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1556 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1557 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1558 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1561 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1562 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1563 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1564 "That was the curious incident."
1565 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1567 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1568 preaching to a group of disciples.
1569 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1570 the absolute reality of --"
1571 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1572 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1574 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1575 with the spirit of the morning.
1576 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1578 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1579 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1581 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1582 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1583 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1584 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1585 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1586 Governor, and he vaporized.
1587 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1588 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1590 "Are you police officers?"
1591 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1592 -- The Blues Brothers
1594 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1595 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1598 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1599 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1600 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1601 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1602 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1603 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1605 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1607 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1608 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1609 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1611 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1612 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1614 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1615 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1616 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1617 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1618 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1619 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1620 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1621 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1622 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1623 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1625 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1626 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1627 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1628 by their ignorance the hard way."
1629 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
1631 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1632 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1633 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1634 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1635 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1636 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1637 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1638 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1639 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1640 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1641 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1642 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1643 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1644 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1645 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1646 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1648 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1651 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1652 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1653 still five feet between rails.
1654 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1655 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1656 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1657 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1658 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1659 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1660 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1661 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1662 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1664 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1666 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1667 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1668 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1669 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1670 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1671 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1672 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1673 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1674 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1675 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1676 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1677 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1678 it some other time, Carrie."
1680 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1682 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1683 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1684 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1687 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1688 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1689 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1691 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1692 way I ought to go from here?"
1693 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1695 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1696 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1701 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1702 A medley of extemporanea;
1703 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1704 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1707 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1708 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1710 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1713 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1715 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1716 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1717 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1718 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1719 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1720 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1721 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1722 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1723 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1724 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1725 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1726 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1727 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1728 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1729 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1730 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1731 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1732 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1733 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1735 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1737 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1738 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1739 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1740 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1741 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1742 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1744 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1745 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1746 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1747 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1748 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1750 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1752 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1753 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1754 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1755 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1756 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1757 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1758 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1759 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1760 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1761 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1763 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1764 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1765 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1766 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1768 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1769 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1770 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1771 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1772 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1774 "Do you think there's a God?"
1775 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1778 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1779 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1781 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1783 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1784 Or is Vaseline better?
1786 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1787 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1788 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1789 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1790 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1791 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1792 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1793 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1794 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1795 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1796 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1798 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1799 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1800 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1801 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1803 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1804 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1805 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1806 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1807 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1808 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1809 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1810 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1811 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1812 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1813 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1814 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1815 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1816 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1817 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1818 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1819 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1820 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1821 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1823 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1824 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1825 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1826 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1827 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1828 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1829 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1830 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1831 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1833 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1834 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1835 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1836 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1837 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1838 shot at mine, over there."
1840 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1841 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1842 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1843 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1844 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1845 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1846 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1847 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1848 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1849 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1850 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1851 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1852 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1854 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1855 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1856 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1857 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1860 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1861 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1862 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1863 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1864 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1865 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1866 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1867 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1868 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1869 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1870 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1871 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1873 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1874 that she didn't recognize me.
1875 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1876 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1877 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1878 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1880 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1881 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1882 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1883 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1884 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1885 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1886 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1888 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1889 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1890 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1891 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1892 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1893 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1894 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1895 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1896 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1897 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1898 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1899 energy policy and neither do you."
1900 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1902 "Fantasies are free."
1903 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1905 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1906 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1907 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1909 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1910 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1911 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1912 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1913 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1914 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1915 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1916 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1917 the little hammers strike.
1918 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1919 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1920 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1922 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1923 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1924 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1928 Say my love is easy had,
1929 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1930 Say I am too often sad --
1931 Still behold me at your side.
1933 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1934 Say I woo and coddle care,
1935 Say the devil touched my tongue --
1936 Still you have my heart to wear.
1938 But say my verses do not scan,
1939 And I get me another man!
1942 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1943 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1949 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1950 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1952 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1953 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1955 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1957 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1958 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1959 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1960 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1961 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1962 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1963 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1964 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1965 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1966 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1967 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1968 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1969 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1970 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1972 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
1974 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1976 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1978 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1979 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1980 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1982 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1983 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1985 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
1986 extracurricular activity except you."
1987 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1988 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1992 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1993 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1994 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1995 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1996 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1997 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1999 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2000 differences once and for all.
2001 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2002 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2004 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2005 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2006 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2007 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2008 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2009 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2010 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2011 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2012 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2013 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2014 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2016 Thank you and good luck.
2017 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2019 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2021 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2022 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2023 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2024 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2025 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2026 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2029 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2030 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2031 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2032 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2033 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2034 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2035 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2036 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2037 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2038 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2039 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2040 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2041 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2042 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2043 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2044 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2045 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2046 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2047 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2048 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2049 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2050 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2052 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2054 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2055 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2056 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2057 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2058 had actually implicationed.
2059 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2060 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2061 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2064 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2065 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2066 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2067 to conquer the world.
2068 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2069 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2070 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2071 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2072 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2073 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2074 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2076 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2077 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2078 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2079 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2080 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2081 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2082 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2083 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2084 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2085 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2086 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2088 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2089 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2091 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2092 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2093 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2094 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2095 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2096 the gun on himself!"
2097 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2098 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2100 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2103 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2104 "Yes; I don't have one."
2105 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2106 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2108 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2109 "Oh, twice that long."
2111 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2112 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2115 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2116 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2117 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2118 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2119 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2120 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2121 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2122 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2124 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2125 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2127 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2128 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2129 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2131 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2133 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2134 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2135 without darkening me.
2136 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2138 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2139 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2141 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2142 "How would that help?"
2145 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2148 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2153 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2154 between amd64 and ia64."
2155 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2156 know the difference then."
2157 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2159 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2160 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2161 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2162 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2163 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2164 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2165 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2166 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2167 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2168 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2169 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2170 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2171 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2172 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2173 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2174 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2176 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2177 of her blonde companion.
2178 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2179 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2182 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2183 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2184 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2185 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2186 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2187 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2188 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2189 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2190 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2192 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2193 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2194 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2196 "How many people work here?"
2199 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2200 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2201 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2202 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2204 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2205 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2206 full of money before."
2208 "How'd you get that flat?"
2209 "Ran over a bottle."
2210 "Didn't you see it?"
2211 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2215 I will not play at tug o' war.
2216 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2219 Where everyone giggles
2220 And rolls on the rug,
2221 Where everyone kisses,
2223 And everyone cuddles,
2227 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2228 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2229 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2230 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2231 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2232 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2233 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2234 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2235 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2236 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2237 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2239 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2240 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2241 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2242 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2244 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2246 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2247 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2248 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2251 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2252 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2253 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2254 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2255 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2256 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2257 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2258 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2259 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2261 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2263 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2264 (There's a hole *where*?)
2266 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2267 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2268 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2270 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2271 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2272 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2274 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2276 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2279 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2280 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2282 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2284 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2285 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2286 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2287 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2288 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2292 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2293 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2294 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2295 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2296 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2297 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2298 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2299 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2300 have to get back to you.
2304 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2305 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2306 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2308 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2310 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2311 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2313 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2314 so many different things."
2315 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2317 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2319 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2320 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2321 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2322 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2323 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2324 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2325 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2326 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2327 understand his long delay.
2329 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2330 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2331 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2332 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2333 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2334 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2335 shack in the desert.
2336 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2337 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2338 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2340 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2341 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2342 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2343 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2344 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2345 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2346 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2349 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2350 I think very probably he might be cured."
2351 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2352 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2353 The elders murmured assent.
2354 "Now, what affects it?"
2355 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2356 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2357 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2358 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2359 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2360 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2361 irritation and distraction."
2362 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2363 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2364 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2365 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2366 "And then he will be sane?"
2367 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2368 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2369 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2371 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2372 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2375 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2376 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2377 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2378 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2379 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2381 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2382 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2383 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2384 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2385 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2386 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2387 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2388 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2389 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2390 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2391 happened to be in the right.
2392 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2394 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2396 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2398 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2399 back; I would be nice."
2400 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2402 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2404 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2405 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2406 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2407 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2408 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2410 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2411 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2412 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2413 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2415 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2416 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2417 these complaints represent?"
2418 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2419 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2421 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2423 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2424 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2425 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2426 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2427 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2428 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2429 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2430 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2431 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2432 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2433 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2434 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2435 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2436 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2438 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2439 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2440 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2441 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2442 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2444 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2446 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2447 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2448 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2449 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2450 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2452 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2453 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2456 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2457 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2459 -- The Life of Brian
2461 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2462 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2464 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2465 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2466 that is also a psychological interaction.
2467 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2469 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2470 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2472 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2473 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2474 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2475 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2476 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2478 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2480 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2481 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2483 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2485 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2486 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2487 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2488 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2491 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2492 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2493 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2494 repeat the sequence.
2495 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2496 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2497 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2499 -- William S. Burroughs
2501 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2502 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2503 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2504 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2505 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2506 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2507 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2508 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2509 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2510 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2511 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2512 difficult can it be?"
2513 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2514 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2515 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2516 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2517 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2519 I'd say that VCS is more like the anal sex of the software
2520 world: Everybody talks about it, some people do it, some people enjoy
2521 it, but typically only vague implications about the best techniques
2522 are ever voiced in public.
2523 -- Warner Losh, on Version Control Systems
2525 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2526 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2527 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2528 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2529 them, or something?"
2530 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2531 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2532 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2533 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2534 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2535 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2536 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2537 would destroy the whole point of it."
2538 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2540 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2541 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2543 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2545 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2546 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2547 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2548 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2549 was by the time I find it.
2550 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2551 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2552 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2553 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2557 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2558 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2559 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2562 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2563 Junior, what are you up to?"
2564 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2566 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2567 will publish such rubbish!"
2568 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2569 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2570 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2571 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2572 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2574 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2575 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2576 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2577 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2578 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2579 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2580 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2582 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2583 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2585 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2586 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2587 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2588 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2589 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2590 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2591 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2592 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2593 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2595 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2596 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2597 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2598 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2599 been an efficiency expert?
2600 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2602 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2605 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2606 can see what we have done."
2607 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2608 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2609 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2610 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2611 "Certainly," said man.
2612 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2614 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2616 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2617 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2618 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2619 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2620 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2621 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2622 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2623 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2625 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2626 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2627 large numbers and prospered.
2628 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2629 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2630 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2631 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2632 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2633 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2634 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2635 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2636 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2637 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2638 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2639 -- The Story of Babel
2641 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2642 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2644 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2645 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2646 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2647 How could it be otherwise?
2648 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2650 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2651 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2652 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2653 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2654 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2655 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2656 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2657 you close your eyes?"
2658 "So that the room will be empty."
2659 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2661 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2662 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2663 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2664 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2665 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2666 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2667 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2668 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2669 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2670 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2671 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2673 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2674 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2675 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2676 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2677 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2678 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2681 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2682 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2683 life-style otherwise."
2684 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2686 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2687 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2688 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2689 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2690 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2691 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2692 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2693 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2694 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2695 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2696 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2698 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2701 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2702 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2704 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2705 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2707 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2708 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2710 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2711 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2713 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2714 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2715 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2716 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2718 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2719 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2720 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2721 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2722 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2723 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2724 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2725 freedom and games to the network...
2728 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2729 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2730 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2731 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2732 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2733 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2734 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2735 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2737 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2738 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2739 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2741 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2742 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2743 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2744 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2745 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2746 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2747 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2748 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2749 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2750 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2751 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2752 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2753 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2754 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2755 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2756 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2758 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2759 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2760 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2761 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2762 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2763 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2764 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2765 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2766 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2768 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2769 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2770 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2771 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2772 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2773 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2774 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2776 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2777 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2778 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2779 need to find out where we are."
2780 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2781 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2782 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2784 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2785 fifty feet in the air!"
2786 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2787 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2788 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2791 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2792 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2793 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2795 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2796 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2797 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2798 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2799 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2800 really needed in the first place.
2801 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2802 analogous to the above.
2803 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2805 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2806 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2807 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2808 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2809 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2810 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2811 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2813 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2817 "It means summon's in trouble."
2818 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2820 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2821 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2823 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2824 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2825 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2826 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2827 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2828 it always me, teacher?"
2829 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2832 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2834 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2835 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2836 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2837 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2838 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2839 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2840 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2841 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2842 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2843 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2847 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2848 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2849 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2850 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2851 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2852 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2853 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2854 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2855 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2856 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2857 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2858 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2859 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2860 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2861 now. They're in a band.
2864 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2865 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2866 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2867 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2868 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2869 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2870 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2871 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2872 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2873 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2874 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2875 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2877 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2878 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2879 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2880 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2881 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2882 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2883 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2884 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2885 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2886 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2887 smacked his lips with relish.
2888 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2889 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2894 My love is like an iron wand
2895 That conks me on the head,
2896 My love is like the valium
2897 That I take before my bed,
2898 My love is like the pint of scotch
2899 That I drink when I be dry;
2900 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2901 Until my wife is wise.
2903 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2905 "I said `intellectual'."
2908 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2909 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2912 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2915 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2917 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2918 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2919 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2922 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2923 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2924 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2925 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2926 All I have in the world is this gun."
2928 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2929 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2930 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2931 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2932 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2933 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2934 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2935 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2937 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2938 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2939 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2940 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2941 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2942 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2943 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2944 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2945 movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2946 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2947 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2948 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2949 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2950 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2951 possible, and turns to Murray.
2952 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2953 spits in the sergeants face.
2954 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2955 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2957 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2958 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2959 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2960 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2961 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2962 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2963 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2964 and Knights of Pithiests.
2965 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2966 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2967 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2968 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2969 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2970 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2971 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2972 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2973 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2974 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2975 So we're going back in a few years...
2978 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2979 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2981 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2982 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2983 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2984 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2985 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2986 the alter of human limitations.
2987 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2988 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2989 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2990 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2991 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2992 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2993 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2994 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2995 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2997 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2998 a girl should not do before twenty."
2999 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3002 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3003 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3004 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3005 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3006 true value of the company.
3007 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3008 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3009 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3010 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3011 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3012 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3015 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3016 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3017 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3018 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3019 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3020 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3022 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3023 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3025 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3026 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3027 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3028 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3029 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3030 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3031 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3032 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3033 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3034 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3035 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3036 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3037 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3038 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3039 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3041 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3042 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3043 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3044 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3045 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3046 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3047 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3048 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3049 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3050 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3051 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3052 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3053 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3054 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3055 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3057 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3059 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3060 to be avoided than harped upon.
3061 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3062 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3063 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3064 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3065 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3067 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3068 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3069 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3070 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3072 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3075 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3076 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3077 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3078 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3079 no attention to the signal.
3080 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3081 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3082 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3083 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3084 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3086 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3087 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3088 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3089 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3090 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3091 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3092 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3093 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3094 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3096 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3097 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3098 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3099 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3100 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3101 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3102 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3103 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3104 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3105 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3106 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3107 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3108 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3109 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3112 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3113 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3114 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3115 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3116 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3117 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3118 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3119 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3120 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3121 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3122 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3123 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3124 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3125 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3126 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3127 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3128 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3129 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3131 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3132 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3133 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3134 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3135 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3136 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3137 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3138 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3139 she looked like the side of a barn.
3140 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3141 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3142 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3143 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3144 to decide quickly. I decided.
3145 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3146 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoe came after
3147 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3148 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3149 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3150 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3151 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3152 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3154 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3155 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3156 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3157 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3158 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3159 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3160 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3161 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3162 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3163 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3164 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3165 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3166 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3167 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3168 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3169 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3170 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3171 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3174 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3175 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3176 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3177 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3178 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3179 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3180 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3181 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3182 die quicker than boredom!"
3183 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3184 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3185 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3186 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3187 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3188 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3189 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3190 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3191 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3192 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3193 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3196 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3197 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3198 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3199 dolphins live forever!
3200 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3201 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3202 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3203 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3204 steal one of these birds.
3205 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3206 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3207 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3208 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3209 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3210 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3211 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3212 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3213 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3215 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3216 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3217 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3218 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3219 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3220 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3221 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3222 help you break such a spell."
3223 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3224 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3225 the night under her pillow."
3226 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3227 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3228 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3229 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3230 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3232 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3233 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3234 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3235 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3236 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3237 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3238 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3239 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3240 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3241 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3242 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3243 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3244 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3245 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3246 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3247 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3248 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3249 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3250 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3251 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3252 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3254 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3255 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3256 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3257 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3258 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3259 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3260 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3261 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3262 perception of the elephant.
3263 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3264 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3265 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3266 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3267 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3269 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3270 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3271 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3272 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3273 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3274 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3275 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3276 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3277 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3278 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3279 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3280 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3281 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3283 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3284 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3285 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3286 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3287 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3288 available to anyone.
3289 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3291 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3292 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3294 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3295 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3298 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3299 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3300 went to speak with him.
3301 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3303 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3304 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3305 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3307 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3308 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3309 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3310 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3311 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3312 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3314 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3316 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3317 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3318 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3319 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3321 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3322 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3323 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3324 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3325 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3326 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3327 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3328 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3329 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3330 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3331 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3332 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3333 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3334 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3335 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3336 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3337 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3338 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3339 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3342 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3343 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3344 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3345 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3346 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3347 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3349 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3350 Back came the reply...
3351 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3352 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3353 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3354 Back came the reply...
3355 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3356 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3358 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3359 is our support for UNIX?
3360 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3361 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3362 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3363 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3364 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3365 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3366 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3367 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3368 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3369 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3370 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3371 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3372 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3373 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3374 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3375 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3376 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3380 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3381 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3382 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3383 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3384 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3387 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3388 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3389 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3390 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3391 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3392 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3393 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3396 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3398 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3399 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3400 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3401 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3402 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3404 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3405 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3406 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3407 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3408 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3409 never reveal our sauce."
3410 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3411 kept favoring curry.
3412 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3413 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3415 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3416 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3418 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3419 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3420 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3421 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3422 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3423 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3424 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3425 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3426 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3427 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3428 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3429 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3431 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3432 sounding a bit worried.
3433 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3434 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3435 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3437 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3438 Cobb said, hopping out.
3439 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3441 Phases of a Project:
3445 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3446 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3447 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3449 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3450 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3451 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3452 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3453 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3454 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3455 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3456 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3457 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3458 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3460 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3461 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3462 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3463 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3464 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3466 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3467 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3468 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3469 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3470 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3472 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3474 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3475 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3476 ran like a gentle wind.
3477 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3478 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3479 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3480 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3481 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3482 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3483 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3484 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3485 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3486 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3487 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3488 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3489 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3490 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3492 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3493 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3494 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3495 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3496 starfield surrounding the ship.
3497 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3498 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3499 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3500 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3501 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3502 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3503 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3505 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3506 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3507 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3508 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3509 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3510 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3511 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3512 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3513 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3514 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3515 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3516 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3517 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3518 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3519 On the Campaign Trail"
3521 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3522 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3523 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3524 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3525 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3526 if they don't live our way."
3528 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3529 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3530 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3531 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3532 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3533 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3534 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3535 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3536 "When you look at it that way..."
3537 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3538 Whatever. We want. To do."
3539 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3541 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3542 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3543 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3544 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3545 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3546 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3547 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3548 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3549 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3551 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3553 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3554 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3555 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3557 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3558 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3559 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3560 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3561 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3562 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3563 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3564 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3572 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3573 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3574 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3575 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3576 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3577 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3578 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3579 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3580 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3581 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3583 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3584 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3585 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3586 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3588 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3589 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3590 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3591 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3592 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3593 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3595 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3596 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3597 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3598 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3599 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3600 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3601 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3602 nice gesture you made today, George.
3603 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3604 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3605 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3606 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3609 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3610 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3611 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3612 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3613 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3614 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3615 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3616 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3617 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3618 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3620 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3621 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3622 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3623 the odd integers are prime."
3624 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3625 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3626 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3627 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3628 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3629 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3630 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3631 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3632 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3634 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3635 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3636 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3637 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3638 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3640 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3641 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3644 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3645 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3646 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3648 "What's he wanted for?"
3651 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3652 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3653 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3654 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3655 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3656 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3657 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3658 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3659 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3662 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3663 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3664 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3665 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3666 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3667 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3668 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3669 right straight toward us.
3670 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3671 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3672 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3673 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3674 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3675 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3676 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3677 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3678 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3679 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3680 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3682 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3683 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3684 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3686 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3687 -- Dating in Minnesota
3689 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3690 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3691 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3692 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3693 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3694 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3695 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3696 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3697 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3698 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3699 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3700 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3701 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3702 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3703 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3704 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3705 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3706 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3707 This is the Minneapple.
3709 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3710 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3711 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3713 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3714 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3715 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3716 harmony in the world.
3717 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3719 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3721 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3722 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3723 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3724 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3725 farmers in America."
3726 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3728 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3729 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3730 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3731 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3732 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3733 Machineries of Joy?"
3734 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3735 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3737 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3739 Bottle 750 milliliters
3740 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3742 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3743 Methuselah 8 bottles
3744 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3745 Balthazar 16 bottles
3746 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3747 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3749 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3750 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3751 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3752 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3754 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3755 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3757 "What is your name?"
3758 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3759 "What is your quest?"
3760 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3761 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3762 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3763 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3765 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3766 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3767 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3768 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3769 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3770 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3771 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3772 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3773 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3774 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3775 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3776 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3777 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3778 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3779 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3780 broke and rolled back.
3781 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3783 "Surely you can't be serious."
3784 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3786 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3787 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3788 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3789 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3790 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3791 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3792 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3794 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3796 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3797 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3798 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3799 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3800 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3802 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3804 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3805 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3806 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3808 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3809 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3810 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3811 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3812 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3813 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3814 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3815 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3816 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3817 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3818 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3820 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3821 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3822 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3823 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3824 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3825 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3826 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3827 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3828 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3829 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3831 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3832 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3833 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3834 got a sense of humor?"
3835 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3837 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3838 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3839 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3841 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3844 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3846 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3847 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3849 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3850 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3851 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3852 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3853 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3855 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3856 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3858 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3860 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3862 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3863 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3865 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3866 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3867 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3868 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3869 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3871 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3872 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3874 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3876 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3878 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3879 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3881 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3882 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3883 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3884 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3885 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3886 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3887 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3889 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3890 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3891 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3892 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3893 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3894 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3896 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3897 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3898 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3899 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3900 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3901 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3902 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3903 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3904 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3906 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3907 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3908 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3909 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3911 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3913 On the good ship Enterprise
3914 Every week there's a new surprise
3915 Where the Romulans lurk
3916 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3918 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3919 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3921 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3923 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3924 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3925 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3926 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3928 It's the good ship Enterprise
3929 Heading out where danger lies
3930 And you live in dread
3931 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3932 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3934 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3935 the subject of towels.
3936 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3937 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3938 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3939 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3940 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3941 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3942 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3943 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3945 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3946 the subject of towels.
3947 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3948 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3949 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3950 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3951 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3952 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3953 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3954 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3956 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3958 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3959 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3960 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3961 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3962 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3963 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3964 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3965 "That's two," he said.
3966 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3967 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3968 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3969 shot the horse between the eyes.
3970 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3971 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3972 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3974 "The jig's up, Elman."
3978 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3980 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3981 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3982 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3983 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3984 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3987 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3988 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3989 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3992 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
3993 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
3994 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
3996 Here is a sample program:
3997 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
3998 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
3999 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4000 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4002 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4004 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4006 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4010 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4012 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4014 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4016 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4017 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4018 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4020 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4021 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4022 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4025 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4026 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4027 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4029 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4030 you find the time to try it again?"
4032 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4033 a position of negative need.
4034 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4035 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4037 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4038 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4039 prestige of His identity.
4040 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4041 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4042 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4043 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4044 into a pleasurific mood state.
4045 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4046 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4047 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4048 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4049 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4050 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4051 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4052 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4055 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4056 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4057 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4058 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4059 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4060 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4061 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4063 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4065 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4066 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4068 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4069 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4071 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4072 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4073 you know where it might be?"
4074 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4075 in the data center."
4076 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4078 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4079 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4081 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4082 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4083 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4085 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4086 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4087 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4088 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4090 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4091 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4093 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4094 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4096 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4097 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4098 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4099 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4101 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4102 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4103 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4105 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4106 logically experienced citizens."
4108 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4109 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4110 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4112 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4113 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4115 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4116 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4118 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4119 Alice corrected herself.
4120 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4121 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4122 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4123 time completely bewildered.
4124 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4125 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4126 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4128 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4129 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4130 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4131 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4132 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4133 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4135 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4136 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4137 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4138 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4139 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4140 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4142 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4144 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4145 problems in order to get results
4146 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4147 toy problems in order to get results.
4149 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4150 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4151 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4152 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4153 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4154 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4155 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4156 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4158 "The pyramid is opening!"
4160 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4161 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4162 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4164 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4165 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4166 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4167 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4168 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4169 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4170 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4171 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4172 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4173 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4174 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4175 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4176 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4177 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4178 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4180 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4182 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4184 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4185 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4187 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4188 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4190 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4191 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4193 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4194 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4195 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4196 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4197 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4198 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4199 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4201 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4202 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4203 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4204 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4206 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4208 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4209 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4210 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4212 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4213 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4215 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4219 The wombat lives across the seas,
4220 Among the far Antipodes.
4221 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4222 Or then again, on missionaries;
4223 His distant habitat precludes
4224 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4225 But I would not engage the wombat
4226 In any form of mortal combat.
4228 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4229 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4230 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4231 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4232 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4233 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4234 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4235 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4236 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4237 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4238 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4239 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4240 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4241 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4242 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4245 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4246 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4247 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4248 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4249 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4250 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4251 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4252 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4253 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4254 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4255 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4256 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4257 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4259 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4260 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4261 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4263 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4264 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4265 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4266 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4267 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4271 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4272 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4273 hard, to keep from falling.
4274 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4275 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4277 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4278 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4279 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4280 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4282 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4283 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4288 Into love and out again,
4289 Thus I went and thus I go.
4290 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4291 Well and bitterly I know
4292 All the songs were ever sung,
4293 All the words were ever said;
4294 Could it be, when I was young,
4295 Someone dropped me on my head?
4298 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4299 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4300 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4301 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4302 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4304 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4305 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4306 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4307 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4308 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4309 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4310 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4311 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4313 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4314 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4315 that people cannot think.
4316 -- Richard W. Hamming
4318 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4319 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4320 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4321 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4322 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4323 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4324 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4325 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4326 but nothing was to be found.
4327 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4328 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4329 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4330 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4331 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4332 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4333 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4334 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4336 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4337 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4338 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4339 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4340 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4341 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4342 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4344 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4345 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4346 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4347 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4348 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4350 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4351 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4352 a man who answered one door.
4353 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4355 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4356 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4357 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4358 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4360 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4361 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4362 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4363 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4364 they're carrying upstairs!"
4366 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnaped
4367 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4368 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4370 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4371 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4372 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4374 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4375 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4376 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4377 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4378 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4379 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4380 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4381 Proof: assume the opposite...
4383 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4384 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4385 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4386 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4387 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4388 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4390 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4391 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4392 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4393 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4394 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4395 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4396 is easier to design."
4397 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4398 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4399 The programmer made no reply.
4400 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4402 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4403 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4404 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4405 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4406 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4407 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4408 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4409 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4410 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4411 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4412 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4413 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4414 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4415 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4417 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4418 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4419 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4420 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4421 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4422 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4423 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4424 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4425 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4426 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4427 things was itself the doing of them.
4428 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4429 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4430 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4431 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4432 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4433 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4434 spread only for demons or for gods."
4435 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4437 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4438 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4439 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4440 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4441 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4442 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4443 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4444 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4445 country. We're completely computerized.
4446 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4447 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4448 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4449 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4450 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4451 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4452 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4453 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4454 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4455 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4456 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4457 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4458 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4460 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4461 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4462 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4463 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4464 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4465 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4466 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4467 making anything out of all the hard work.
4468 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4469 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4470 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4471 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4472 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4474 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4475 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4477 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4478 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4479 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4480 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4481 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4482 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4483 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4484 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4485 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4486 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4487 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4488 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4489 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4490 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4491 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4493 To A Quick Young Fox
4494 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4495 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4496 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4497 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4500 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4501 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4502 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4503 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4504 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4505 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4506 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4507 pint of ice cream nearby.
4508 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4510 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4512 The other saw stars.
4514 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4515 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4518 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4519 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4520 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4521 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4522 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4523 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4524 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4525 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4526 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4527 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4528 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4529 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4530 was Carmen or Cohen.
4531 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4532 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4533 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4535 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4536 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4538 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4540 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4541 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4542 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4543 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4544 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4545 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4546 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4547 soggy potato chips."
4548 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4549 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4550 "but I thought it made good copy."
4551 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4553 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4554 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4557 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4558 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4559 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4561 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4562 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4563 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4565 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4567 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4569 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4571 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4572 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4573 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4574 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4575 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4576 by law, up to and including nothing.
4577 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4578 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4579 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4580 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4581 attack shark at which point we relented.
4582 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4584 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4585 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4586 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4587 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4589 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4590 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4591 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4592 -- William Burroughs
4594 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4596 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4597 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4598 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4599 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4600 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4601 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4602 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4603 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4604 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4605 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4606 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4607 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4609 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4610 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4611 psycho-prompter couch?"
4613 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4614 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4615 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4617 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4618 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4619 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4620 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4621 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4622 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4624 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4625 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4626 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4628 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4632 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4633 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4634 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4635 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4636 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4637 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4638 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4639 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4640 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4641 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4642 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4643 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4644 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4645 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4646 Time passed, unheeded.
4647 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4648 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4651 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4652 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4653 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4654 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4656 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4657 let him lie there all night."
4658 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4659 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4660 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4661 that a bunch of thugs had kidnaped him."
4662 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4663 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4664 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4665 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4666 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4667 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4668 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4669 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4670 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4672 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4673 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4674 maim or kill innocent little children."
4675 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4676 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4679 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4681 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4682 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4683 "It means the Thing to Do."
4684 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4686 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4687 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4688 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4691 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4692 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4693 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4694 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4696 The New Yorker's comment:
4697 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4699 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4700 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4701 "No, we just don't like him."
4702 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4703 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4704 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4705 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4707 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4708 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4709 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4710 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4713 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4714 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4715 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4716 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4717 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4718 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4719 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4720 they're not selling."
4721 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4722 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4724 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4725 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4726 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4727 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4728 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4729 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4731 "What are we going to do?"
4732 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4733 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4734 short initiation period."
4735 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4737 "What are you watching?"
4739 "Well, what's happening?"
4740 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4742 "Why are you watching it?"
4743 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4747 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4749 "You keep it to yourself."
4752 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4754 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4756 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4757 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4758 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4759 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4760 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4761 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4762 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4763 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4764 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4765 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4766 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4767 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4768 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4769 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4771 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4772 didn't believe in God".
4773 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4774 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4775 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4778 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4779 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4780 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4781 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4783 "What's that thing?"
4784 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4785 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4786 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4787 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4789 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4790 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4791 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4792 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4793 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4794 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4795 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4796 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4798 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4799 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4800 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4802 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4803 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4804 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4805 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4806 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4807 moved farther to the left."
4808 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4810 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4811 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4812 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4814 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4815 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4816 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4817 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4819 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4820 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4822 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4823 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4824 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4825 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4826 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4828 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4829 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4830 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4831 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4832 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4833 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4834 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4835 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4836 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4837 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4839 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4841 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4842 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4843 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4844 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4846 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4848 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4849 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4850 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4851 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4852 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4853 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4854 then. We're trying to catch her."
4855 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4856 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4857 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4859 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4860 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4861 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4864 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4865 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4866 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4868 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4869 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4870 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4871 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4872 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4873 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4874 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4875 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4876 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4877 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4878 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4879 why the sea is salt."
4880 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4881 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4883 Why are you doing this to me?
4884 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4886 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4888 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4889 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4890 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4891 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4894 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4895 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4896 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4897 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4898 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4899 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4900 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4901 "Okay. It's your wife."
4905 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4906 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4913 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4914 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4916 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4917 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4918 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4919 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4920 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4922 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4923 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4924 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4925 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4926 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4927 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4928 long, and two mouses wide."
4929 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4931 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4935 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4936 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4937 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4938 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4939 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4940 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4941 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4942 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4944 "You are *so* lovely."
4946 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4948 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4949 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4950 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4952 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4953 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4954 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4955 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4956 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4958 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4959 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4960 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4962 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4963 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
4964 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4966 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4967 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4968 fit to hear his view of things?"
4969 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4970 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4971 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4972 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4973 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4974 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4975 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4977 "You say there are two types of people?"
4978 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4980 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4981 Those who separate people into three groups.
4982 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4983 Those who can't decide."
4984 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4986 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4987 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4989 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4990 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4993 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4994 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4995 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4996 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4997 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4998 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4999 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5000 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5001 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5002 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5003 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5004 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5005 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5006 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5008 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5009 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5010 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5011 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5012 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5013 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5014 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5015 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5016 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5017 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5018 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5019 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5020 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5021 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5022 cats on the dinette table, etc.
5023 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5025 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5026 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5028 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5030 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5031 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5032 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5033 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5034 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5035 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5036 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5038 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5039 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5040 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5041 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5042 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5043 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5045 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5046 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5062 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5063 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5064 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5065 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5071 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5073 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5074 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5076 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5078 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5079 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5080 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5081 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5082 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5084 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5096 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5097 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5098 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5099 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5100 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5101 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5102 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5103 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5104 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5111 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5115 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5117 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5118 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5119 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5120 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5121 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5122 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5123 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5125 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5127 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5128 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5129 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5130 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5131 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5133 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
5135 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5136 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5137 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5138 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5139 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5141 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
5143 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5145 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5146 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5147 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5148 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5149 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5152 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5154 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5156 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5157 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5158 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5159 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5160 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5163 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5165 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5166 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5167 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5168 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5170 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5171 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5172 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5175 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5176 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5177 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5179 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5180 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5182 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5184 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5186 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5187 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5188 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5189 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5191 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5193 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5194 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5195 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5196 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5197 it cold boots the machine so often.
5199 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5201 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5202 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5203 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5204 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5205 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5207 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5212 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5213 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5214 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5215 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5216 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5218 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5220 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5222 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5223 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5224 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5225 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5226 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5227 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5228 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5229 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5230 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5231 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5233 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5235 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5236 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5237 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5238 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5239 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5240 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5241 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5242 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5243 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5244 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5245 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5247 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5249 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5250 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5254 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5256 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5258 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5261 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5263 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5265 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5267 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5269 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5270 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5271 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5272 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5273 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5275 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5277 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5278 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5279 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5280 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5281 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5282 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5283 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5284 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5287 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5289 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5290 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5291 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5292 second per second takes over.
5293 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5294 intervenes suddenly.
5295 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5296 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5297 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5298 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5300 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5301 conforming to its perimeter.
5302 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5303 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5304 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5305 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5306 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5307 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5309 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5310 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5311 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5313 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5314 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5317 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5318 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5319 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5322 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5323 have turned into a pile of dust.
5325 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5326 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5329 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5330 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5331 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5332 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5333 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5334 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5335 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5337 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5338 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5339 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5340 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5341 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5342 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5343 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5344 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5345 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5346 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5348 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5350 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5351 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5352 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5353 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5354 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5355 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5357 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5358 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5359 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5362 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5363 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5364 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5365 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5366 never when standing.
5368 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5369 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5370 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5371 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5372 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5373 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5374 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5375 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5376 astray by hunting and pecking.
5377 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5378 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5380 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5382 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5384 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5386 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5387 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5388 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5389 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5390 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5391 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5392 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5393 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5394 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5395 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5396 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5397 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5399 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5400 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5401 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5402 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5403 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5404 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5405 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5406 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5407 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5408 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5410 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5411 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5412 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5413 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5414 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5415 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5416 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5417 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5418 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5420 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5423 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5424 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5425 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5426 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5427 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5428 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5429 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5430 other's private parts.
5431 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5433 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5434 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5438 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5439 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5442 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5443 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5444 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5445 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5446 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5447 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5449 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5451 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5453 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5454 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5455 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5456 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5457 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5458 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5459 knows them in the naming.
5460 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5466 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5467 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5468 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5469 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5472 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5473 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5474 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5475 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5477 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5479 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5480 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5481 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5482 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5483 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5484 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5485 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5486 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5487 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5488 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5489 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5490 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5491 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5493 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5494 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5495 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5496 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5498 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5500 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5501 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5502 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5505 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5506 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5507 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5509 : is not an identifier
5511 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5512 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5513 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5514 superficial design flaws.
5515 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5516 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5518 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5519 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5520 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5521 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5524 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5525 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5528 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5529 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5532 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5533 legally ... impeccable!
5535 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5536 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5537 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5538 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5539 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5540 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5541 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5542 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5543 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5544 of a lucrative nature.
5545 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5546 osseous structure, but appelations will eternally remain innocuous.
5548 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5552 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5553 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5554 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5556 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5557 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5560 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5561 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5562 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5563 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5564 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5565 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5566 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5567 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5568 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5569 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5570 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5571 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5572 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5573 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5575 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5577 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5578 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5579 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5580 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5581 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5582 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5583 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5585 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5586 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5590 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5591 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5592 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5593 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5594 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5595 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5596 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5598 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5599 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5600 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5601 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5602 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5604 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5605 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5606 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5607 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5608 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5610 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5611 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5612 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5613 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5614 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5615 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5617 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5618 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5619 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5620 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5621 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5623 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5624 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5625 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5626 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5627 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5628 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5629 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5630 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5631 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5632 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5633 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5634 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5635 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5636 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5637 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5639 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5641 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5642 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5643 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5644 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5645 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5646 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5647 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5648 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5649 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5650 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5651 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5652 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5653 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5654 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5655 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5656 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5658 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5663 Norman, knock loudly,
5668 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5671 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5672 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5673 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5676 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5677 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5678 optimal cachinnation.
5680 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5681 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5682 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5683 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5684 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5686 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5687 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5688 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5689 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5691 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5693 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5694 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5695 -- The Firesign Theater
5697 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5698 from beginning to end.
5699 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5702 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5704 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5706 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5707 entrances; others cannot.
5708 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5709 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5710 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5711 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5712 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5714 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5715 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5716 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5717 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5718 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5719 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5720 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5721 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5722 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5723 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5724 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5725 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5726 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5730 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5731 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5732 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5733 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5734 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5735 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5736 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5737 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5738 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5739 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5741 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5742 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5744 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5745 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5748 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5749 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5750 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5751 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5752 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5753 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5754 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5755 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5756 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5757 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5758 barely able to walk.
5759 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5760 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5761 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5762 "The good news first!"
5763 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5764 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5765 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5766 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5769 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5771 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5772 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5773 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5775 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5776 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5778 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5779 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5780 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5781 Wash the windows once a week.
5782 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5783 coal for the day's business.
5784 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5786 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5787 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5788 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5789 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5790 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5793 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5795 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5796 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5797 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5798 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5799 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5800 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5801 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5802 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5803 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5804 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5805 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5807 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5808 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5809 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5810 [4] Four is an even number.
5811 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5812 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5813 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5815 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5816 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5817 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5818 [4] Four is an even number.
5819 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5820 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5821 Therefore, all horses are black.
5823 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5824 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5825 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5826 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5827 the social ramble ain't restful.
5828 5. Avoid running at all times.
5829 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5830 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5832 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5833 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5835 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5836 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5837 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5838 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5839 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5840 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5841 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5842 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5843 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5844 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5845 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5846 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5847 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5848 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5849 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5850 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5851 to 1 meter per second
5852 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5853 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5854 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5855 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5856 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5857 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5858 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5859 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5860 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5864 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5865 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5866 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5867 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5869 1: No code table for op: ++post
5872 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5873 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5874 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5875 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5876 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5877 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5878 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5880 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5881 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5882 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5883 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5884 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5885 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5886 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5887 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5888 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5889 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5891 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
5893 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5895 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5896 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5897 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5898 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5899 other beers on the side.
5900 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
5902 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5903 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5904 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5905 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5907 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5908 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5909 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5911 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5913 Take one down, short it to ground
5914 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5916 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5918 Take one down, short it to ground
5919 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
5923 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5924 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5925 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5927 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5929 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5930 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5934 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5937 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5941 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5947 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5950 1/2 oz. orange juice
5953 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5954 Long Island Iced Tea
5958 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5960 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5961 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5962 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5963 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5964 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5965 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5967 Nine in the second place means:
5968 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5970 Six in the third place means:
5971 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5972 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5974 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5977 17th Rule of Friendship:
5979 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5980 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5982 -- Esquire, May 1977
5984 186,000 miles per second:
5985 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5987 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5988 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5990 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5991 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5992 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5993 1907 Good to the last drop
5994 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5995 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5996 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5997 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5998 1919 It satisfies thirst
5999 1919 The taste is the test
6000 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6001 1922 Thirst knows no season
6002 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6003 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6005 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6006 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6007 1929 The pause that refreshes
6008 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6009 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6010 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6011 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6012 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6013 1939 Thirst stops here
6014 1942 It's the real thing
6016 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6017 1963 Things go better with Coke
6018 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6019 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6021 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6023 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6025 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6027 2180, U.S. History question:
6028 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6029 office did he later hold?
6031 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6032 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6033 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6035 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6040 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6042 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6043 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6044 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6045 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6046 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6048 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6050 3rd Law of Computing:
6051 Anything that can go wr
6052 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6054 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6056 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6058 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6059 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6060 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6061 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6062 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6063 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6064 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6065 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6066 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6068 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6069 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6070 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6071 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6072 and other good books.
6073 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6074 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6075 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6076 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6077 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6078 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6079 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6080 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6081 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6082 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6084 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6092 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6093 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6096 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6097 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6098 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6100 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6101 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6103 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6104 and the rest hang out around here.
6106 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6108 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6109 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6111 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6113 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6114 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6116 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6117 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6119 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6122 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6124 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6125 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6128 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6130 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6134 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6135 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6137 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6138 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6141 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6142 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6145 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6148 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6151 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6153 A beginning is the time for taking the
6154 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6155 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6157 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6158 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6160 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6161 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6162 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6163 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6165 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6166 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savanna in their
6167 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6169 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6170 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6171 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6172 there's one white zebra."
6173 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6175 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6177 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6179 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6182 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6184 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6190 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6191 that the animal is going somewhere.
6194 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6195 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6196 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6197 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6198 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6199 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6200 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6201 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6202 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6203 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6204 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6205 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6206 resource centers along the roads.
6207 -- The Underground Grammarian
6209 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6210 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6212 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6213 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6215 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6217 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6218 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6221 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6222 of turning around three times before lying down.
6225 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6228 A budget is just a method of worrying
6229 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6231 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6233 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6235 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6236 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6237 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6238 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6239 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6240 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6241 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6242 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6243 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6244 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6245 pole in a complex plane."
6247 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6248 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6249 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6250 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6251 -- Robert W. Service
6253 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6254 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6256 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6259 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6260 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6262 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6263 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6264 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6265 examine him about his recent diet.
6266 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6268 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6269 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6270 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6271 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6272 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6273 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6274 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6276 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6278 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6279 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6280 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6281 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6282 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6283 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6284 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6286 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6287 does not prove anything.
6288 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6290 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6292 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6293 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6295 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6296 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6297 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6298 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6299 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6300 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6301 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6302 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6305 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6306 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6307 who passed it on to theirs.
6309 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6310 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6311 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6312 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6313 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6314 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6315 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6316 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6317 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6318 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6319 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6320 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6321 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6322 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6324 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6325 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6326 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6328 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6329 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6331 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6333 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6336 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6338 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6339 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6340 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6343 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6345 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6346 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6348 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6349 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6351 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6352 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6355 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6358 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6360 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6361 and nobody wants to read.
6362 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6364 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6366 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6367 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6368 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6369 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6370 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6372 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6374 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6375 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6376 valuable scientific objectivity.
6378 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6379 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6380 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6382 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6383 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6385 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6387 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6388 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6389 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6390 disability you may have experienced.
6392 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6393 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6394 explained in terms that you would understand.
6396 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6397 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6398 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6400 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6402 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6403 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6404 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6406 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6407 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6409 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6410 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6411 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6412 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6414 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6415 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6417 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6418 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6419 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6420 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6422 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6425 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6426 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6428 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6429 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6432 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6435 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6437 A complex system that works is invariably
6438 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6440 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6443 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6446 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6447 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6450 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6451 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6452 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6453 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6455 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6456 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6457 Computer: George Washington.
6458 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6459 Where is my father?"
6460 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6461 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6463 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6464 landed a twelve pound bass.
6466 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6467 the computer science student has run in to.
6469 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6470 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6471 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6472 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6473 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6474 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6475 get the pointer value from there?
6476 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6477 make it point to the previous item.
6478 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6479 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6481 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6483 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6485 A computer science student on an exam:
6487 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6488 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6489 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6492 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6494 A computer, to print out a fact,
6495 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6496 But this output can be
6497 No more than debris,
6498 If the input was short of exact.
6501 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6502 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6504 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6506 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6507 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6510 A CONS is an object which cares.
6513 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6516 A conservative is a man
6517 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6520 A conservative is a man
6521 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6522 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6524 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6525 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6527 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6530 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6531 damned things is ample.
6534 A couch is as good as a chair.
6536 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6539 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6540 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6541 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6542 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6543 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6544 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6545 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6546 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6547 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6549 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6550 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6551 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6552 there, he don't have one!"
6554 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6555 money is always there but the pockets change;
6556 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6557 and that is all there is to say about money.
6560 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6561 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6562 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6563 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6564 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6565 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6566 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6567 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6568 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6569 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6570 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6571 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6572 this central section.
6573 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6574 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6575 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6576 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6578 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6581 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6582 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6583 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6585 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6588 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6590 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6592 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6594 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6596 A day without sunshine is like night.
6598 A dead man cannot bite.
6599 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6601 A debugged program is one for which you have
6602 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6605 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6606 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6607 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6608 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6609 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6610 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6611 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6613 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6614 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6616 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6617 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6619 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6620 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6623 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6624 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6625 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6627 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6630 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6631 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6633 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6636 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6637 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6639 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6640 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6641 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6643 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6645 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6646 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6647 that you only have six weeks to live."
6648 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6650 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6653 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6654 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6655 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6656 courtesy," he explained.
6658 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6661 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6665 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6668 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6669 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6670 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6671 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6673 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6676 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6678 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6681 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6682 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6684 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6686 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6687 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6688 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6689 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6690 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6691 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6692 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6694 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6695 -- Winston Churchill
6697 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6699 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6700 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6701 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6702 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6703 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6704 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6705 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6706 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6707 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6708 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6709 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6710 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6711 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6713 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6714 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6717 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6718 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6719 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6720 should be masculine or feminine.
6721 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6722 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6723 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6724 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6725 went on their way rather quickly.
6726 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6727 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6728 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6730 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6732 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6733 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6734 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6737 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6738 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6740 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6742 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6744 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6745 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6746 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6747 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6748 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6749 drowned in the lake!"
6750 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6751 more chain than he can swim with?"
6753 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6754 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6755 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6756 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6757 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6758 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6761 (Or scatters scats);
6762 A potting shed's for potting;
6765 Or caught an otter otting.
6768 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6770 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6771 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6773 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6775 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6777 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6779 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6780 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6782 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6784 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6785 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6787 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6788 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6790 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6791 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6792 -- George Bernard Shaw
6794 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6797 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6799 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6802 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6803 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6804 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6806 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6809 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6812 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6814 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6815 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6817 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6818 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6821 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6822 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6824 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6826 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6829 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6831 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6834 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6836 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6837 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6838 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6839 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6842 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6843 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6845 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6846 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6847 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6848 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6849 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6852 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6853 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6854 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6855 electrical shock to the horse.
6856 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6857 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6858 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6859 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6860 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6861 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6863 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6865 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6867 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6869 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6871 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6873 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6876 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6878 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6879 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6880 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt _
\bh_
\ba_
\bd _
\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6881 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6883 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6884 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6886 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6889 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6890 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6892 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6893 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6895 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6896 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6897 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6898 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6902 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6903 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6904 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6905 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6906 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6907 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6910 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6911 -- Michel de Montaigne
6913 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6915 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6916 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6919 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6922 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6926 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6927 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6928 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6931 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6934 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6936 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6938 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6939 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6940 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6941 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6943 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6944 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6945 "That's dynamite, baby."
6946 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
6948 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6949 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6953 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6954 the table after you eat.
6956 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6959 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6960 to take it all away.
6963 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6965 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6968 A great many people think they are thinking
6969 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6972 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6975 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6976 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6977 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6978 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6979 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6980 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6981 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6982 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
6983 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6984 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6985 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6986 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6987 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6988 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6990 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6991 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6992 not going to church on Sunday.
6995 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6998 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6999 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7001 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7004 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7005 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7006 Brings good fortune.
7008 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7010 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7012 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7014 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7015 weight in other people's patience.
7018 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7020 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7021 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7022 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7027 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7028 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7029 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7030 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7031 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7032 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7033 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7034 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7035 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7037 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7039 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7040 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7043 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7044 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7046 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7047 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7048 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7049 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7050 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7051 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7052 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7053 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7054 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7056 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7058 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7059 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7061 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7063 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7064 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7065 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
7067 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7070 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7073 A hypothetical paradox:
7074 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7075 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7076 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7079 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7080 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7081 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7082 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7083 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7084 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7085 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
7086 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7087 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7088 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7089 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7090 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7091 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7092 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7097 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7098 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7099 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7100 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7101 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7102 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7103 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7104 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7105 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7106 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7107 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7108 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7109 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7110 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7111 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7112 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7113 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7114 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7115 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7116 T is for true, which does very little.
7117 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7118 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7119 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7120 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7121 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7122 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7123 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7125 A joint is just tea for two.
7127 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7129 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7132 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7135 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7137 Simply handed in through the window.
7138 There is certainly no blame in this.
7140 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7143 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7144 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7146 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7148 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7149 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7151 A king's castle is his home.
7153 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7154 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7155 words are superfluous.
7157 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7159 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7162 A lady with one of her ears applied
7163 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7164 Two female gossips in converse free --
7165 The subject engaging them was she.
7166 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7167 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7168 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7169 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7170 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7171 "To hear my character lied about!"
7174 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7175 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7178 A language that doesn't have everything is
7179 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7180 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7182 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7183 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7184 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7185 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7186 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7187 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7188 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7189 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7190 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7191 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7192 this here corn liquor?"
7193 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7194 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7195 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7196 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7197 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7198 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7199 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7200 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7203 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7204 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7207 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7208 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7209 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7210 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7211 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7212 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7213 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7214 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7215 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7216 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7217 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7218 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7220 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7221 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7223 A Law of Computer Programming:
7224 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7225 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7227 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7230 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7233 A lie in time saves nine.
7235 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7239 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7241 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7243 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7245 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7246 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7248 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7251 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7252 Into space that is quite economical.
7253 But the good ones I've seen
7254 So seldom are clean,
7255 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7257 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7258 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7261 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7264 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7266 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7269 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7270 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7272 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7273 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7274 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7275 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7276 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7278 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7279 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7280 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7281 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7282 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7283 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7286 A little word of doubtful number,
7287 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7288 If you add an "s" to this,
7289 Great is the metamorphosis.
7290 Plural is plural now no more,
7291 And sweet what bitter was before.
7294 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7296 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7298 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7299 Buy the negatives at any price.
7301 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7303 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7306 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7307 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7310 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7313 A major, with wonderful force,
7314 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7315 All the flowers looked round,
7316 But no horse could be found;
7317 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7319 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7322 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7323 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7325 A man always remembers his first love with special
7326 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7329 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7330 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7331 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7332 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7334 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7335 on the side to make it interesting?"
7337 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7341 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7344 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7345 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7346 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7348 A deep majestic voice answered,
7349 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7350 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7351 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7352 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7353 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7354 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7356 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7360 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7361 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7363 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7366 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7367 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7368 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7370 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7371 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7372 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7373 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7375 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7376 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7377 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7378 and he heads off into the distance.
7379 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7380 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7381 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7382 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7383 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7384 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7386 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7389 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7390 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7393 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7394 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7395 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7397 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7400 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7401 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7403 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7404 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7407 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7408 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7409 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7411 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7413 A man said to the Universe:
7415 "However," replied the Universe,
7416 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7419 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7420 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7421 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7422 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7423 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7425 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7426 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7427 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7428 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7429 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7430 just want to get my saddle back!"
7432 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7433 he is able to answer.
7436 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7438 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7439 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7440 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7441 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7442 wakes up and gives me hell."
7443 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7445 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7446 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7447 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7448 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7449 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7452 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7453 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7454 why did you Di......eeee"
7455 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7456 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7457 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7458 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7459 why....eeeee did you.."
7460 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7461 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7462 "My wife's first husband."
7464 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7465 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7467 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7470 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7471 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7473 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7474 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7476 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7478 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7480 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7481 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7483 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7485 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7487 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7489 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7490 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7491 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7492 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7493 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7495 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7497 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7499 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7500 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7502 A man's house is his castle.
7505 A man's house is his hassle.
7507 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7508 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7509 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7510 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7511 "What about you: do you see it?"
7512 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7513 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7514 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7515 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7516 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7518 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7519 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7520 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7521 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7523 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7524 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7525 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7527 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7529 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7532 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7534 A meeting is an event at which the
7535 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7537 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7538 but to protect the writer.
7541 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7542 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7545 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7546 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7547 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7548 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7549 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7550 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7551 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7552 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7553 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7554 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7555 fall over gently onto their backs.
7556 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7558 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7560 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7561 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7562 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7564 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7565 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7567 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7568 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7569 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7572 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7573 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7576 A mighty creature is the germ,
7577 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7578 His customary dwelling place
7579 Is deep within the human race.
7580 His childish pride he often pleases
7581 By giving people strange diseases.
7582 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7583 You probably contain a germ.
7586 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7588 A modem is a baudy house.
7590 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7591 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7594 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7595 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7596 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7597 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7598 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7599 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7600 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7601 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7602 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7603 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7604 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7605 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7608 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7609 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7612 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7614 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7616 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7618 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7620 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7621 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7624 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7625 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7627 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7630 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7632 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7633 will be to us a national blessing.
7634 -- Alexander Hamilton
7636 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7637 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7638 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7639 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7641 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7642 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7643 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7644 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7645 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7646 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7647 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7650 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7651 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7652 It is an ice cream koan.
7654 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7655 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7656 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7658 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7659 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7660 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7661 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7662 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7663 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7664 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7665 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7667 A New Way of Taking Pills
7668 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7669 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7670 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7671 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7672 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7674 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7675 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7677 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7678 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7679 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7680 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7681 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7682 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7683 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7684 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7685 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7686 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7687 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7688 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7689 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7693 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7694 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7695 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7696 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7697 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7698 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7699 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7700 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7701 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7704 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7705 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7707 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7710 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7711 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7714 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7716 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7718 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7719 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7722 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7724 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7725 enlightenment, several years later.
7730 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7731 With thought and sarcasm.
7733 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7735 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7736 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7738 A Parable of Modern Research:
7740 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7741 brightly lit corner.
7742 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7743 "I can only see here."
7745 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7746 -- William S. Burroughs
7748 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7751 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7753 A penny saved has not been spent.
7755 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7757 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7759 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7761 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7762 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7763 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7764 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7765 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7768 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7769 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7770 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7771 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7774 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7776 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7778 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7779 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7781 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7782 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7785 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7788 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
7791 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7792 gets out and goes into the office.
7793 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7794 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7795 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7797 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7798 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7800 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7801 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7803 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7804 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7805 "we're building a house".
7807 A pig is a jolly companion,
7808 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7809 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7810 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7811 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7812 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7813 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7814 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7815 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7816 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7818 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7819 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7821 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7822 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7824 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7825 referring to memory management system services.]
7827 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7830 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7831 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7834 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7836 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7838 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7839 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7840 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7841 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7842 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7843 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7845 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7846 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7847 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7848 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7849 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7851 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7853 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7854 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7857 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7860 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7862 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7863 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
7865 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7866 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7867 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7870 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7873 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7874 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7875 of yours to press against my heart.
7878 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7880 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7881 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7883 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7887 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7889 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7891 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7892 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7893 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7895 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7897 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7899 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7901 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7903 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7906 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7907 asks you not to kill him.
7908 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7910 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7911 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7913 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7915 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7916 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7917 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7918 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7919 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7920 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7921 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7922 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7923 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7925 A programming language is low level
7926 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7928 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7929 drink with -- even if he drank.
7932 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7933 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7934 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7935 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7936 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7937 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7938 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7939 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7940 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7941 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7943 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7944 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7947 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7948 your wife asks you for nothing.
7951 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7952 your wife will give you for free.
7954 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7955 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7956 was intended for her preservation.
7959 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7960 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7961 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7962 to make a travesty of the game.
7965 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7966 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7967 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7969 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7970 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7971 might be made an Archbishop."
7972 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7973 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7974 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7975 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7976 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7977 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7978 up from being the Pope?"
7979 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7980 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7982 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7983 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7986 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7987 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7990 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7992 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7993 his neighbor notice it.
7996 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7997 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7998 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7999 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8000 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8001 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8002 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8003 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8004 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8005 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8007 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8008 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8010 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8011 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8013 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8014 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8016 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8017 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8018 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8019 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8021 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8022 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8023 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8026 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8027 people what to do with their money.
8028 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8030 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8033 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8034 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8037 A robin redbreast in a cage
8038 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8041 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8042 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8043 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8045 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8047 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8049 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8052 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8053 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8054 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8055 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8058 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8059 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8060 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8061 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8062 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8063 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8064 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8065 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8066 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8067 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8068 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8069 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8070 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8071 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8072 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8074 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8075 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8076 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8077 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8078 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8079 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8080 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8081 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8082 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8084 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8085 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8086 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8088 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8090 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8091 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8092 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8094 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8095 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8096 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8099 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8101 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8102 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8103 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8104 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8105 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8106 the vocation must fit the individual.
8107 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8109 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8111 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8112 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8113 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8116 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8117 the vexation of thinking.
8118 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8120 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8121 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8122 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8123 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8125 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8126 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8128 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8130 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8131 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8135 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8138 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8139 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8140 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8141 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8142 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8143 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8144 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8145 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8146 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8147 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8148 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8149 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8150 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8152 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8153 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8154 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8155 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8156 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8157 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8158 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8159 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8160 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8161 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8162 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8163 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8164 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8166 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8169 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8172 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8173 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8174 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8177 I knew the language of the floweret;
8178 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8179 Love long has taken for his amulet
8182 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8183 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8184 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8186 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8188 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8191 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8193 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8195 A snake lurks in the grass.
8196 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8198 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8199 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8200 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8202 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8203 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8204 which is on its way out.
8207 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8210 A soft drink turneth away company.
8212 A song in time is worth a dime.
8214 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8215 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8216 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8217 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8218 "How are you?" they ask.
8219 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8220 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8221 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8222 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8223 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8225 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8226 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8227 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8228 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8230 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8231 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8232 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8233 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8235 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8237 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8239 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8242 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8243 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8244 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8245 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8247 A stitch in time saves nine.
8249 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8252 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8256 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8257 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8258 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8259 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8260 the student with a stick.
8262 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8264 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8266 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8267 undreamed of by its author.
8270 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8274 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8275 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8276 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8277 new versions of their own innards!
8280 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8281 -- by Charles Dickens
8283 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8285 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8288 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8290 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8291 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8293 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8296 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8298 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8299 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8301 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8302 -- by Charles Dickens
8304 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8305 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8308 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8309 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8311 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8312 feels guilty and apologizes.
8314 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8317 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8319 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8321 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8323 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8324 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8326 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8327 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8329 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8330 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8333 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8334 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8336 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8339 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8340 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8341 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8343 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8344 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8346 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8347 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8348 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8349 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8350 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8351 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8352 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8353 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8354 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8355 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8356 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8357 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8359 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8361 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8362 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8364 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8367 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8368 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8371 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8374 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8376 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8378 A truth that's told with bad intent
8379 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8382 A university is what a college becomes
8383 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8386 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8387 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8389 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8390 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8391 She found a good way
8392 To combine work and play:
8393 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8395 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8396 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8397 -- Tennessee Williams
8399 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8402 A very intelligent turtle
8403 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8404 The system, you see,
8405 Ran as slow as did he,
8406 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8408 A violent man will die a violent death.
8411 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8413 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8415 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8417 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8420 A watched clock never boils.
8422 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8423 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8425 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8427 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8428 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8429 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8430 Software rots if not used.
8432 These are great mysteries.
8433 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8435 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8438 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8439 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8441 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8442 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8444 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8447 A witty saying proves nothing.
8450 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8453 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8454 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8455 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8456 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8457 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8458 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8459 near your person at all times.
8460 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8462 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8463 were quite a struggle.
8466 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8468 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8469 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8470 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8472 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8475 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8476 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8479 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8480 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8483 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8484 thankful for a good one.
8485 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8487 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8491 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8492 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8495 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8499 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8500 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8501 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8502 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8504 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8507 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8508 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8509 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8510 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8511 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8512 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8513 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8514 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8516 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8517 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8518 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8520 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8521 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8523 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8525 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8528 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8529 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8531 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8532 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8534 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8536 A word to the wise is enough.
8537 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8539 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8540 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8541 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8542 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8543 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8544 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8545 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8547 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8548 what he writes fiction.
8551 A yawn is a silent shout.
8554 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8556 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8557 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8558 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8560 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8561 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8562 have that!" she gushed.
8563 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8564 window and grabbing the ring.
8565 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8566 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8567 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8569 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8570 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8571 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8573 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8574 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8575 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8576 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8577 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8578 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8579 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8580 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8581 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8582 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8583 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8584 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8585 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8586 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8587 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8588 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8589 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8590 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8591 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8592 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8595 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8597 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8598 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8599 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8600 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8601 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8602 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8604 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8606 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8607 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8609 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8611 Abbott's Admonitions:
8612 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8613 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8615 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8617 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8618 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8620 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8621 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8622 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8623 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8624 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8625 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8626 And to the presence in the room he said,
8627 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8628 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8629 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8630 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8631 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8632 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8633 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8634 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8635 It came again with a great wakening light,
8636 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8637 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8638 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8640 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8642 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8644 About the only thing we have left that actually
8645 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8647 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8650 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8651 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8652 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8654 Above all else - sky.
8656 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8658 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8661 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8662 and miss the return train.
8664 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8665 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8668 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8669 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8672 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8673 it enkindles the great.
8675 Absence makes the heart forget.
8677 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8679 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8682 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8684 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8687 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8691 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8692 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8693 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8695 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8699 A weak person who yields to the
8700 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8701 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8704 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8705 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8706 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8707 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8708 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8709 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8710 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8711 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8712 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8713 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8714 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8715 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8718 A statement or belief manifestly
8719 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8720 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8722 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8723 because the stakes are so low.
8726 Academicians care, that's who.
8729 A modern school where football is taught.
8731 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8733 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8735 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8738 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8740 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8741 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8743 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8746 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8747 but absence of body is better.
8748 -- Foolish Dictionary
8751 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8752 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8753 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8754 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8755 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8757 Accidents cause History.
8759 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8760 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8761 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8762 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8763 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8764 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8766 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8767 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8768 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8769 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8770 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8771 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8772 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8773 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8774 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8775 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8776 sheepish grin" comes from.
8778 According to all the latest reports,
8779 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8781 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8782 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8783 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8784 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8787 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8788 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8790 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8792 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8793 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8795 According to the latest official figures,
8796 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8798 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8801 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8802 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8803 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8804 beat up their city anytime.
8808 A bagpipe with pleats.
8811 The vice of being right
8813 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8815 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8818 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8819 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8820 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8821 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8823 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8825 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8826 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8827 well, I think of my sex life.
8832 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8833 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8834 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8835 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8836 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8837 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8838 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
8839 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8840 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8842 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8843 everyone glued in their seats!"
8844 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8847 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8848 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8849 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8850 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8852 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8854 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8855 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8856 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8858 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8860 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8861 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8863 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8864 only have one floor to go to.
8866 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8867 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8868 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8869 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8870 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8873 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8876 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8877 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8879 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8881 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8882 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8885 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8886 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8888 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8889 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
8891 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8892 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8893 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8894 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
8896 Adding sound to movies would be like
8897 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8898 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
8900 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8901 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8903 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8905 Adler's Distinction:
8906 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8907 and from the bureaucrats.
8910 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8911 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8914 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8916 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8921 To venerate expectantly.
8922 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8925 One old enough to know better.
8929 Advancement in position.
8931 Advertisements contain the only
8932 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8935 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8936 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8939 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8942 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8943 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8946 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8947 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8950 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8952 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8954 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8955 then at least be aseptic.
8957 African violet: Such worth is rare
8958 Apple blossom: Preference
8959 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8960 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8961 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
8962 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8963 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8964 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8968 Forget-me-not: True love
8970 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8971 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8972 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8973 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8974 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8975 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8976 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8977 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8978 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8979 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8981 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8982 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8983 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8984 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8985 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8986 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8987 especially that which is prohibited.
8988 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8989 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8991 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8992 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8993 more advanced than the lichen family.
8994 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8996 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8998 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8999 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9000 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9001 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9002 And presents aren't promises
9003 And you begin to accept your defeats
9004 With your head up and your eyes open,
9005 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9006 And you learn to build all your roads
9007 On today because tomorrow's ground
9008 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9009 A way of falling down in midflight,
9010 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9011 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9012 For someone to bring you flowers.
9013 And you learn that you really can endure...
9014 That you really are strong,
9015 And you really do have worth
9016 And you learn and learn
9017 With every goodbye you learn.
9018 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9020 After all, all he did was string together
9021 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9022 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9024 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9026 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9029 After all my erstwhile dear,
9030 My no longer cherished,
9031 Need we say it was not love,
9032 Just because it perished?
9033 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9035 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9036 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9037 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9040 After an instrument has been assembled,
9041 extra components will be found on the bench.
9043 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9044 month than you did before.
9046 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9047 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9048 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9049 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9050 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9051 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9052 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9053 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9054 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9055 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9056 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9057 that it sinks like a stone.
9058 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9060 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9061 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9062 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9063 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9064 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9065 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9066 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9067 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9068 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9069 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9070 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9071 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9072 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9074 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9075 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9076 cost to others, to win advancement.
9079 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9081 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9082 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9084 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9085 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9086 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9087 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9088 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9089 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9090 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9091 one foot in his mouth.)
9092 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9094 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9097 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9098 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9099 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9100 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9101 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9103 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9104 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9106 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9107 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9108 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9109 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9110 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9111 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9112 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9113 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9114 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9115 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9116 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9117 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9118 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9119 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9121 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9122 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9123 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9125 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9126 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9127 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9128 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9129 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9131 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9132 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9133 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9134 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9135 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9136 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9137 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9139 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9140 straight to the point.
9141 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9143 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9144 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9146 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9149 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9152 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9154 Against Idleness and Mischief
9156 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9157 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9158 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9159 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9161 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9162 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9163 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9164 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9165 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9167 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9168 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9170 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9172 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9175 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9176 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9179 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9180 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9181 enterprise to commit.
9182 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9185 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9187 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9189 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9190 Or what's a heaven for ?
9191 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9193 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9196 For all dreams are not equal,
9197 some exit to nightmare
9198 most end with the dreamer
9200 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9202 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9203 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9204 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9205 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9208 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9210 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9212 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9214 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9215 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9216 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9217 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9218 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9219 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9221 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9223 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9224 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9226 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9229 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9230 -- The Mad Dogtender
9232 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9233 bring me a message from a young man.
9236 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9238 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9241 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9242 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9244 Air is water with holes in it.
9247 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9248 the fattening of the poor.
9249 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9251 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9253 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9254 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9255 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9257 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9258 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9260 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9261 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9262 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9263 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9265 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9266 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9268 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9269 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9274 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9275 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9276 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9277 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9280 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9281 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9282 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9283 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9284 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9287 Social innovations tend to the level
9288 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9290 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9291 The surest poison is time.
9292 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9294 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9295 -- George Bernard Shaw
9298 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9300 (2) Always be backlit.
9301 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9303 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9304 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9305 You take one down, and pass it around,
9306 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9308 Alex Haley was adopted!
9310 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9311 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9313 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9314 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9315 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9317 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9318 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9320 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9321 important programming language yet developed.
9325 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9327 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9329 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9330 them keeps paying for it.
9333 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9336 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9339 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9341 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9343 Alive without breath,
9345 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9346 All in mail ever clinking.
9348 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9350 All art is but imitation of nature.
9351 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9353 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9354 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9355 Catiline", by Sallust
9357 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9361 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9362 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9364 All constants are variables.
9366 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9369 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9371 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9376 Smoke a friend today.
9378 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9381 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9383 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9385 All Gods were immortal.
9386 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9388 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9391 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9393 All heiresses are beautiful.
9396 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9397 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9400 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9403 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9405 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9408 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9409 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9412 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9413 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9414 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9417 All I need to have a good time,
9418 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9419 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9420 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9422 All I want is to never grow old,
9423 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9424 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9425 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9427 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9428 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9429 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9430 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9431 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9433 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9434 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9436 All intelligent species own cats.
9438 All is fear in love and war.
9440 All is well that ends well.
9443 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9444 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9445 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9446 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9447 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9448 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9450 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9453 All laws are simulations of reality.
9456 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9459 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9463 All men have the right to wait in line.
9465 All men know the utility of useful things;
9466 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9469 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9470 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9471 To believe none so is something worse.
9472 -- John Quincy Adams
9474 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9475 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9478 All most people ask of life is a constant
9479 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9481 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9483 All my friends and I are crazy.
9484 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9486 All my friends are getting married,
9487 Yes, they're all growing old,
9488 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9489 They're all doing what they're told.
9491 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9495 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9497 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9498 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9500 All of the animals except man know that
9501 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9503 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9504 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9505 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9506 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9509 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9510 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9512 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9513 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9514 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9515 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9516 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9518 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9522 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9523 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9524 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9526 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9528 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9531 All phone calls are obscene.
9532 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9534 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9537 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9539 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9540 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9541 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9542 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9543 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9544 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9546 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9548 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9550 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9551 to live beyond its income.
9552 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9554 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9555 -- Ernest Rutherford
9557 All seems condemned in the long run
9558 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9561 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9564 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9566 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9568 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9570 All that is gold does not glitter,
9571 Not all those who wander are lost;
9572 The old that is strong does not wither,
9573 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9574 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9575 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9576 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9577 The crownless again shall be king.
9580 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9581 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9582 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9583 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9584 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9585 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9587 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9589 All the evidence concerning the universe
9590 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9592 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9593 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9594 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9595 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9597 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9598 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9599 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9600 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9602 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9603 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9604 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9605 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9607 I've read all the greats
9608 Both starving and fat,
9609 But none was as great as
9610 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9611 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9613 All the men on my staff can type.
9616 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9619 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9623 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9626 All the simple programs have been written.
9628 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9629 the government in less than a second.
9632 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9634 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9637 All the world's a VAX,
9638 And all the coders merely butchers;
9639 They have their exits and their entrails;
9640 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9641 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9642 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9643 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9644 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9645 Unwillingly to school.
9646 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9648 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9649 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9650 -- Richard P. Feynman
9652 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9654 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9656 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9657 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9659 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9660 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9663 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9665 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9666 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9668 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9669 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9673 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9674 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9675 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9677 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9679 All who joy would win Must share it --
9680 Happiness was born a twin.
9683 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9685 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9686 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9687 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9688 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9692 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9695 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9696 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9697 cannot separately plunder a third.
9698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9700 All's well that ends.
9702 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9703 about today's software design would be accurate.
9708 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9710 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9711 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9713 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9714 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9715 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9716 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9717 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9718 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9720 caaa, n: An automobile.
9721 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9722 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9723 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9724 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9726 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9728 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9729 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9732 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9733 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9734 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9735 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9736 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9737 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9738 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9739 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9741 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9743 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9744 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9745 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9746 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9747 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9748 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9749 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9750 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9751 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9752 running the post office.
9753 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9755 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9756 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9757 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9758 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9759 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9760 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9761 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9762 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9763 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
9765 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
9767 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9769 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9772 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9774 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9776 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9779 Always store beer in a dark place.
9781 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9782 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9784 Always there remain portions of our heart
9785 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9787 Always think of something new; this
9788 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9791 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9794 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9797 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9798 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9801 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9802 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9805 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9806 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9809 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9811 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9815 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9816 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9817 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9819 America: born free and taxed to death.
9821 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9824 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9827 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9828 and the scum rises to the top.
9831 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9832 -- President John F. Kennedy
9834 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9835 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9836 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9837 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9838 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
9840 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9841 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9842 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9843 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9844 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9845 by the majority they were at the time.
9846 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9848 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9849 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9851 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9852 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9855 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9856 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9858 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9860 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9862 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9863 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9864 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9865 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9866 pictures on the doors.
9867 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9869 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9871 American cars are made shoddily...
9872 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9875 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9876 we allow them short of hanging.
9879 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9880 tail it knocks over a chair.
9883 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9884 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9887 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9889 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9890 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9891 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9893 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9895 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9898 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9899 and divide at the same time.
9901 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9902 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407
9904 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9906 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9907 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9909 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9912 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9913 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
9915 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9917 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9918 people refuse to see it.
9919 -- James Michener, "Space"
9921 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9922 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9923 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9924 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9926 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9929 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9932 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9933 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9934 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
9936 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9937 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9938 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9939 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9942 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9945 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9946 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9947 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9948 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9949 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9950 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9951 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9953 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9954 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9955 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9957 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9958 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9960 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9962 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9963 transportation everywhere."
9964 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9965 R: "We take the train."
9966 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9967 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9968 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9971 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9972 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9974 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9975 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9976 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9979 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9980 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9983 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9985 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9987 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9989 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9991 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9993 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9995 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9998 An attachment a la Plato
9999 for a bashful young potato
10000 or a, not too French, french bean
10001 must excite your languid spleen.
10002 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10003 with a poppy or lily
10004 in your medieval hand,
10005 every one will say,
10006 as you walk your flowery way;
10007 "If this young man is content,
10008 with a vegetable love
10009 which would certainly not content me.
10010 Why, what a very pure young man
10011 this pure young man must be!"
10012 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10013 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10015 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10016 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10017 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10018 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10019 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10020 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10022 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10023 really care to know.
10025 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10027 An economist is a man who would marry
10028 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10030 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10033 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10035 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10036 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10037 -- Winston Churchill
10039 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10040 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10043 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10044 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10045 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10046 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10047 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10048 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10049 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10050 I've already paid them half of it."
10051 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10052 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10054 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10056 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10057 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10058 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10059 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10060 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10061 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10062 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10063 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10064 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10065 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10067 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10069 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10070 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10071 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10072 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10074 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10077 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10079 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10080 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10081 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10082 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10083 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10086 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10087 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10088 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10089 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10090 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10091 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10092 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10093 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10094 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10095 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10096 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10097 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10099 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10101 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10105 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10109 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10110 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10111 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10113 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10114 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10116 An eye in a blue face
10117 Saw an eye in a green face.
10118 "That eye is like this eye"
10119 Said the first eye,
10121 Not in high place."
10123 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10124 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10125 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10126 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10127 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10128 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10129 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10130 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10131 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10132 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10133 He let go by the things of yesterday
10134 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10135 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10136 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10137 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10138 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10139 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10140 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10141 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10142 Was he to study till his head wend round
10143 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10144 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10145 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10146 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10148 [well, almost. Ed.]
10150 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10153 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10154 bought they stay bought.
10157 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10158 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10160 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10161 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10163 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10165 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10167 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10170 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10172 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10173 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10176 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10179 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10180 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10181 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10182 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10183 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10184 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10186 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10187 -- Benjamin Franklin
10189 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10190 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10191 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10192 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10193 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10194 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10195 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10196 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10197 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10198 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10199 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10200 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10201 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10202 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10205 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10208 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10209 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10211 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10213 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10216 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10219 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10221 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10224 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10225 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10226 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10227 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10228 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10229 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10230 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10232 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10233 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10234 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10235 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10236 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10237 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10239 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10240 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10241 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10242 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10243 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10244 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10245 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10247 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10248 Let our chant fill the void
10249 That others may know
10251 In the land of the night
10252 The ship of the sun
10255 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10257 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10258 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10259 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10260 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10261 And did the Countenance Divine
10262 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10263 And was Jerusalem builded here
10264 Among these dark satanic mills?
10266 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10267 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10268 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10269 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10270 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10271 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10272 Till we have built Jerusalem
10273 In England's green and pleasant land.
10274 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10276 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10278 And ever has it been known that
10279 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10282 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10283 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10284 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10285 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10286 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10287 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10288 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10289 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10290 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10291 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10292 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10293 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10294 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10295 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10296 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10297 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10298 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10300 And here I wait so patiently
10301 Waiting to find out what price
10302 You have to pay to get out of
10303 Going thru all of these things twice
10304 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10306 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10308 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10309 As they strolled out of sight,
10310 "Merry Christmas to all --
10311 You take credit cards, right?"
10312 -- "Outsiders" comic
10314 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10315 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10316 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10317 them, aren't braced against them.
10318 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10320 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10321 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10322 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10323 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10325 And if California slides into the ocean,
10326 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10327 I predict this motel will be standing,
10328 Until I've paid my bill.
10329 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10331 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10332 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10336 As I am heading for the sink.
10337 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10338 Along with half of my last drink.
10340 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10341 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10344 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10345 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10348 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10351 And miles to go before I sleep.
10353 And now for something completely the same.
10355 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10356 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10357 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10358 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10360 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10361 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10362 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10363 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10365 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10366 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10367 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10368 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10370 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10371 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10372 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10373 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10376 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10378 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10380 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10382 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10385 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10386 Mama'd come to school
10387 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10388 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10389 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10390 but you know yourself
10391 it's always somewhere else
10392 I'd build me a castle
10393 with dragons and kings
10394 and I'd ride off with them
10395 As I stood by my window
10396 and looked out on those
10398 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10400 And so it was, later,
10401 As the miller told his tale,
10402 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10403 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10406 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10407 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10408 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10409 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10410 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10411 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10412 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10413 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10414 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10416 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10418 And that's the way it is...
10421 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10422 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10423 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10424 clothes! He is naked!"
10425 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10427 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10428 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10429 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10430 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10431 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10432 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10434 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10435 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10436 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10438 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10439 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10441 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10442 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10443 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10444 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10445 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10447 And this is good old Boston,
10448 The home of the bean and the cod,
10449 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10450 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10452 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10453 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10455 And we heard him exclaim
10456 As he started to roam:
10457 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10458 please don't try this at home!'"
10461 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10462 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10463 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10464 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10465 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10466 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10467 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10468 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10469 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10470 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10471 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10472 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10473 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10474 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10476 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10477 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10478 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10479 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10480 -- The Grateful Dead
10482 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10483 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10484 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10485 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10486 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10487 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10490 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10491 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10492 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10493 face, we have politics.
10494 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10495 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10497 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10498 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10500 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10501 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10502 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10504 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10506 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10507 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10508 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10510 Andrea's Admonition:
10511 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10512 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10513 it isn't and he can.
10518 Angels we have heard on High
10519 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10522 Anger is momentary madness.
10525 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10527 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10528 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10531 Ankh if you love Isis.
10533 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10535 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10537 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10538 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10539 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10540 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10541 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10544 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10546 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10548 Another day, another dollar.
10549 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10550 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10553 Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
10554 and nobody wants to do maintenance.
10555 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Hocus Pocus"
10557 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10559 Another megabytes the dust.
10561 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10562 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10563 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10564 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10565 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10567 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10570 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10573 Anthony's Law of Force:
10574 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10576 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10577 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10578 corner of the workshop.
10581 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10584 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10585 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10587 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10590 Was tired of living alonio
10591 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10592 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10593 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10595 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10597 Said if you will be my ownio
10598 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10599 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10600 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10602 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10604 Uttered a dismal moanio
10605 And went off and hid
10606 Or I'm told that he did
10607 In the Antartical Zonio.
10610 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10612 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10613 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10614 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10615 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10616 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10617 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10618 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10619 cars across Europe.
10621 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10622 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10624 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10627 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10628 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10629 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10630 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10631 Is there a better way to die?
10632 -- Charles Lindbergh
10634 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10635 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10636 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10637 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10638 -- Richard Schickel
10640 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10643 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10644 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10646 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10647 wise person to be able to sell it.
10649 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10653 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10657 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10659 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10661 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10662 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10663 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10664 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10668 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10670 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10671 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10672 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10673 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10674 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10676 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10677 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10679 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10680 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10681 be deemed to be a cat.
10682 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10684 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10685 -- Sydney J. Harris
10687 Any president should have the right to shoot
10688 at least two people a year without explanation.
10689 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10691 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10694 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10698 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10700 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10702 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10703 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10704 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10705 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10707 Any small object that is accidentally
10708 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10710 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10711 exactly the point of most pressure.
10714 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10717 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10719 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10720 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10722 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10723 given proper legal counsel.
10724 -- Alfred Perlstein
10726 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10729 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10730 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10732 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10734 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10735 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10738 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10739 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10742 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10743 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10745 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10747 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10748 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10749 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10752 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10753 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10756 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10759 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10762 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10763 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10764 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10765 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10766 thought on every occasion.
10767 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10769 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10771 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10772 extremely humble opinion.
10776 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10777 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10778 make messes in the house.
10779 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10781 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10784 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10785 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10787 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10790 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10791 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10792 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10793 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10794 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10796 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10797 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10800 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10801 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10802 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10804 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10805 account be allowed to do the job.
10806 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10808 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10809 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10810 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10811 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10813 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10816 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10817 tried taking candy from a baby.
10820 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10823 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10825 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10827 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10829 Anything is possible on paper.
10832 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10834 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10835 The label means the price went up.
10836 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10837 means the price went way up.
10839 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10841 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10842 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10843 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10845 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10847 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10848 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10849 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10850 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10851 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10852 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10853 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10854 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10855 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10857 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10858 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10860 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10863 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10864 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10867 A concise, clever statement.
10869 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10870 -- James Alexander Thom
10872 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10874 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10875 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10877 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10879 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10880 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10883 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10884 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10887 Appearances often are deceiving.
10891 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10894 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10895 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10897 April is the cruelest month...
10898 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10900 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10901 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10902 faucet on and off with your toes.
10903 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10905 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10906 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10907 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10908 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10909 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10911 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10912 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10913 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10914 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10915 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10917 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10918 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10919 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10920 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10921 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10922 able to lend you a few bucks.
10924 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10925 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10926 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10927 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10928 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10929 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10932 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10933 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10934 general can be said."
10936 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10937 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10941 Are we running light with overbyte?
10944 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10945 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10946 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10949 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10950 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10952 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10953 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10954 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10955 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10956 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10957 Don't you know any better?
10958 How could you be so stupid?
10959 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10960 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10961 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10963 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10964 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10966 Do as I say, not as I do.
10967 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10968 What did you do *this* time?
10969 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10970 When I was your age...
10971 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10972 Think of all the starving children in India.
10973 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10974 I'm going to kill you.
10976 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10978 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10979 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10981 Go away. You bother me.
10982 Why? Because life is unfair.
10983 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10984 Children should be seen and not heard.
10985 You'll be the death of me.
10986 You'll understand when you're older.
10988 Wipe that smile off your face.
10989 I don't believe you.
10990 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10993 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10994 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10996 Good children always obey.
10997 Quit acting so childish.
10999 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11000 Why do you have to know so much?
11001 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11002 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11003 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11005 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11007 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11008 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11010 When are you going to grow up?
11011 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11012 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11014 What's wrong with you?
11015 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11016 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11017 Don't you have any sense at all?
11018 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11019 Why? Because I said so.
11020 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11022 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11023 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11025 You wouldn't understand.
11026 You ask too many questions.
11027 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11028 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11029 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11031 You're acting too big for your britches.
11032 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11033 Wait till your father gets home.
11034 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11035 Shape up or ship out.
11039 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11041 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11043 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11044 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11046 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11047 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11050 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11051 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11053 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11054 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11055 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11058 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11059 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11060 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11061 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11064 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11065 the world's developed countries.
11067 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11071 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11073 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11074 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11079 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11081 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11082 If the check is truly in the mail,
11083 it is surely made out to someone else.
11086 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11088 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11089 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11090 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11091 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11094 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11095 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11096 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11097 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11099 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11100 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11101 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11102 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11104 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11105 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11107 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11108 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11109 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11110 piece would be better known as:
11111 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11113 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11114 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11115 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11117 Art is a jealous mistress.
11118 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11120 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11123 Art is anything you can get away with.
11124 -- Marshall McLuhan
11126 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11129 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11132 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11133 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11135 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11137 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11138 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11139 remind them of someone else.
11140 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11141 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11142 of yourself in person.
11145 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11146 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11147 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11148 Article the Fourth:
11149 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11150 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11151 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11153 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11154 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11155 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11156 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11157 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11159 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11160 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11163 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11165 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11167 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11168 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11169 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11170 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11171 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11173 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11174 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11175 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11178 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11179 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11180 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11182 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11183 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11184 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11185 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11187 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11188 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11189 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11190 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11192 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11193 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11195 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11196 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11197 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11200 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11201 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11204 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11207 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11208 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11210 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11211 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11212 -- Frederic Reynolds
11214 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11215 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11218 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11220 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11223 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11224 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11225 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11226 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11227 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11228 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11229 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11230 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11231 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11234 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11235 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11238 As I thought, no better from this side.
11241 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11242 Feeling worse and worser,
11243 There I met a C.R.T.
11244 And it drop't me a cursor.
11247 Phosphors light on you!
11248 If I had fifty hours a day
11249 I'd spend them all at you.
11250 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11252 As I was passing Project MAC,
11253 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11254 Every hack had seven bugs;
11255 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11256 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11257 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11258 How many losses at Project MAC?
11260 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11261 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11262 The words were torn and tattered,
11263 From the storm the night before,
11264 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11266 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11267 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11268 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11269 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11271 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11272 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11273 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11274 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11276 As in certain cults it is possible to
11277 kill a process if you know its true name.
11278 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11280 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11281 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11282 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11283 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11284 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11285 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11286 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11287 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11288 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11289 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11290 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11291 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11292 on the austerity of the word.
11293 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11295 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11296 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11297 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11298 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11300 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11302 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11304 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11305 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11306 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11308 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11309 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11310 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11312 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11313 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11314 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11316 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11318 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11319 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11320 3. Some people never look at me.
11321 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11322 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11323 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11324 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11325 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11326 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11327 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11328 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11329 12. I cannot read or write.
11330 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11331 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11332 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11333 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11334 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11335 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11336 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11337 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11339 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11340 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11341 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11343 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11345 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11346 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11348 4. I like mannish children.
11349 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11350 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11351 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11352 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11353 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11354 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11355 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11357 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11358 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11359 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11360 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11361 16. My eyes are always cold.
11362 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11363 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11364 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11365 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11367 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11368 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11369 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11370 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11371 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11372 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11373 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11374 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11375 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11377 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11378 Please update your programs.
11380 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11381 Please update your programs.
11383 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11385 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11386 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11388 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11390 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11391 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11392 Keywords: C sources
11395 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11396 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11397 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11398 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11400 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11401 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11402 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11405 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11406 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11407 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11408 conversion to a new computer system.
11410 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11411 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11412 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11413 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11414 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11416 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11417 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11418 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11419 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11421 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11423 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11424 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11427 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11428 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11429 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11430 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11431 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11432 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11433 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11435 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11436 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11437 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11439 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11440 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11441 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11442 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11444 -- Benjamin Franklin
11446 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11447 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11449 As Will Rogers would have said,
11450 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11452 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11453 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11454 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11455 proper time for chocolate.
11456 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11458 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11459 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11462 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11463 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11464 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11465 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11466 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11467 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11468 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11469 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11470 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11471 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11472 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11473 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11474 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11477 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11478 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11479 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11480 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11481 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11482 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11483 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11484 spider is suing you for damages.
11486 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11487 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11489 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11491 Ascend to the high mountain pass,
11492 Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
11493 Do not give up to the great distance:
11494 It's by going that you will reach your aim.
11495 Be not discouraged by human frailty:
11496 You will overcome it if you try to.
11497 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
11500 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11501 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11502 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11506 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11508 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11510 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11511 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11513 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11514 one went to Harvard).
11515 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11517 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11518 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11521 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11523 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11524 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11526 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11529 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11532 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11533 -- John Stuart Mill
11535 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11536 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11537 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11538 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11539 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11540 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11541 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11542 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11543 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11544 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11545 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11546 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11547 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11548 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11549 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11550 -- Garrison Keillor
11552 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11553 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11554 -- Christopher Hampton
11557 The masculine of "lass".
11559 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11560 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11563 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11564 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11565 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11566 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11569 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11571 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11572 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11574 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11575 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11576 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11577 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11578 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11579 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11580 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11581 a computer problem?"
11582 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11583 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11584 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11585 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11586 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11587 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11588 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11590 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11592 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11593 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11594 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11595 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11597 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11598 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11599 ignorance upon the shore.
11602 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11603 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11604 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11605 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11607 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11608 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11609 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11610 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11611 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11612 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11613 function as a normal person.
11615 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11616 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11621 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11622 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11623 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11625 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11627 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11628 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11629 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11631 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11632 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11635 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11638 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11640 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11641 thumb with a hammer.
11642 -- Marshall Lumsden
11644 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11645 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11646 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11647 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11648 after fact and reason.
11651 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11652 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11655 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11656 and no further activities are scheduled.
11658 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11659 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11660 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11661 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11663 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11664 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11665 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11666 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11667 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11668 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11669 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11671 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11673 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11674 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11675 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11676 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11677 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11678 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11679 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11680 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11682 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11683 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11684 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11685 guess who's going to die soon!"
11687 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11688 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11690 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11691 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11693 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11694 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11697 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11698 number of pens that person is carrying.
11700 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11703 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11705 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11708 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11709 -- Winston Churchill
11711 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11712 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11716 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11717 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11718 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11719 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11720 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11721 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11724 A gyp off the old block.
11726 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11730 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11732 Auribus teneo lupum.
11733 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11736 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11738 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11739 depths they were once able to plumb.
11742 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11743 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11746 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11751 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11753 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11754 They're a dime a dozen.
11756 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11758 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11759 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11761 Avoid reality at all costs.
11763 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11764 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11765 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11767 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11769 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11770 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11771 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11772 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11774 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11775 bad fiction contest.
11778 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11779 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11783 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11786 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11788 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11789 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11790 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11791 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11792 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11793 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11794 Business before pleasure."
11796 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11797 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11798 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11799 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11800 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11801 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11802 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11803 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11804 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11805 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11806 never really caught on.
11808 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11809 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11811 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11812 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11814 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11816 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11818 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11819 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11823 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11824 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11825 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11826 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11827 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11830 Bagdikian's Observation:
11831 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11832 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11834 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11835 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11837 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11838 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11839 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11844 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11848 Fear of being buried alive.
11857 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11859 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11861 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11862 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11863 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11866 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11867 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11869 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11872 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11874 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11875 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11876 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11877 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11878 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11880 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11881 floor -- especially in the dark.
11884 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11887 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11888 what kind of weather we are having.
11889 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11891 Barth's Distinction:
11892 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11893 types, and those who don't.
11895 Baruch's Observation:
11896 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11898 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11901 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11904 Basic Definitions of Science:
11905 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11906 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11907 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11909 Basic is a high level languish.
11910 APL is a high level anguish.
11912 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11914 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11918 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11919 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11921 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11922 come in and sink my boats.
11926 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11927 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11928 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11930 Batteries not included.
11933 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11934 will not yield to the tongue.
11935 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11937 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11938 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11940 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11942 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11944 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11945 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11947 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11949 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11952 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11954 Be careful! Is it classified?
11956 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11958 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11959 situations that can't bear inspection.
11961 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11964 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11965 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11967 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11969 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11972 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11974 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11975 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11977 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11978 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11981 Be different: conform.
11983 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11984 the issue afterwards.
11986 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11987 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11989 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11992 Insult a rich relative today.
11994 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11995 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11997 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12000 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12001 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12003 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12005 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12006 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12008 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12009 and original in your work.
12012 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12014 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12017 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12019 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12021 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12022 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12026 In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
12027 from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
12028 In war: where soldiers die.
12030 Beam me up, Scotty!
12032 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12034 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12036 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12039 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12041 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12043 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12045 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12048 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12049 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12052 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12056 Because I do not hope,
12057 Because I do not hope to survive
12058 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12059 Because I do, only do,
12063 Because the wine remembers.
12065 Because we don't think about future generations,
12066 they will never forget us.
12070 What did you bring back for me?
12072 Been Transferred Lately?
12074 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12076 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12078 Bees are very busy souls
12079 They have no time for birth controls
12080 And that is why in times like these
12081 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12083 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12084 -- Addison H. Hallock
12086 Before destruction a man's heart is
12087 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12090 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12091 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12092 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12093 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12094 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12098 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12100 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12101 they are "Let's eat out."
12103 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12104 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12106 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12108 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12110 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12111 you really want to know the answers.
12112 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12114 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12115 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12119 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12120 you won't have to watch commercials.
12122 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12123 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12125 Beggars should be no choosers.
12128 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12130 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12132 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12134 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12135 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12136 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12140 Behold the unborn foetus and
12141 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12142 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12143 An enemy civilian).
12145 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12146 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12148 Beifeld's Principle:
12149 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12150 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12151 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12152 looking and richer male friend.
12154 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12156 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12157 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12158 opposite applies with the judges.
12159 -- Beyond the Fringe
12161 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12162 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12165 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12166 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12167 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12168 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12169 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12171 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12172 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12173 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12174 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12176 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12178 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12179 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12181 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12182 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12185 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12186 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12189 Being owned by someone used to be called
12190 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12192 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12194 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12195 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12196 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12198 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12201 Something you do not believe.
12203 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12207 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12209 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12212 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12213 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12214 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12215 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12217 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12221 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12223 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12224 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12226 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12227 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12230 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12231 none of his friends like him either.
12234 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12235 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12236 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12237 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12238 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12239 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12240 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12241 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12242 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12243 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12244 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12245 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12246 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12247 "The test or the room?"
12248 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12249 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12250 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12251 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12252 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12254 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12257 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12258 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12259 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12261 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12263 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12265 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12266 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12268 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12271 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12272 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12273 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12274 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12277 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12278 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12280 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12281 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12282 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12283 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12284 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12285 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12286 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12287 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12289 Best Mistakes In Films
12290 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12291 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12293 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12294 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12295 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12296 with television aerials.
12297 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12298 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12300 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12301 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12302 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12304 Best of all is never to have been born.
12305 Second best is to die soon.
12308 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12309 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12310 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12312 Better by far you should forget and
12313 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12314 -- Christina Rossetti
12316 Better dead than mellow.
12318 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12319 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12321 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12323 Better late than never.
12324 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12326 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12331 santa claus <north pole >town
12333 cat /etc/passwd >list
12336 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12337 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12338 santa claus <north pole > town
12340 who | grep sleeping
12342 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12343 for (goodness sake) {
12347 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12348 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12349 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12351 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12353 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12354 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12356 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12358 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12361 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12362 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12363 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12364 pushing boulders into a single word.
12365 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12366 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12367 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12368 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12369 Parliament and Party.
12370 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12371 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12372 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12374 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12376 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12384 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12386 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12387 referring to system service dispatching.]
12389 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12391 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12393 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12395 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12397 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12398 a new wearer of clothes.
12399 -- Henry David Thoreau
12403 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12407 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12409 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12411 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12413 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12415 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12416 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12417 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12420 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12421 -- Leonard Brandwein
12423 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12424 drip under pressure.
12426 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12427 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12428 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12430 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12432 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12433 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12435 Beware the new TTY code!
12437 Beware the one behind you.
12440 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12442 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12443 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12444 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12445 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12447 Big book, big bore.
12450 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12451 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12454 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12456 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12459 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12461 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12462 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12464 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12465 generation to generation?
12467 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12470 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12472 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12473 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12474 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12477 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12479 Biology grows on you.
12481 Biology is the only science in which
12482 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12485 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12488 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12489 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12490 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12492 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12495 The first and direst of all disasters.
12496 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12498 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12500 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12501 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12502 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12503 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12504 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12505 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12506 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12509 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12510 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12511 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12514 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12515 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12516 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12520 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12523 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12525 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12527 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12528 are involved in when they burn stores.
12531 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12532 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12533 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12534 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12536 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12537 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12538 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12539 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12543 That's an empty wish.
12544 Just dump them together
12545 And leave them alone,
12546 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12547 -- To My Favorite Things
12549 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12550 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12551 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12552 She wants to hit those bricks,
12553 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12554 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12555 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12556 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12557 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12558 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12560 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12562 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12563 get the better even of their blunders.
12566 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12568 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12571 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12573 -- James Russell Lowell
12575 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12576 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12578 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12581 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12584 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12585 for he shall enjoy living.
12588 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12589 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12592 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12598 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12599 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12600 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12602 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12604 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12606 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12607 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12610 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12613 Blow it out your ear.
12616 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12619 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12621 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12623 Boling's postulate:
12624 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12626 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12627 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12628 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12630 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12631 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12633 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12634 seemed to come from Texas.
12635 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12637 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12640 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12642 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12645 You always find something in the last place you look.
12648 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12651 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12655 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12656 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12659 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12660 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12661 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12664 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12665 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12666 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12670 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12673 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12674 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12676 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12677 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12678 straightened out for a crowbar.
12681 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12682 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12683 on the same communications line connection.
12684 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12686 Boucher's Observation:
12687 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12688 several octaves higher than originally written.
12690 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12694 Talent goes where the action is.
12697 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12701 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12702 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12703 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12704 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12705 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12706 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12707 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12709 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12710 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12712 Boy, life takes a long time to live
12716 A noise with dirt on it.
12718 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12720 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12722 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12723 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12726 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12729 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12730 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12731 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12732 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12733 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12734 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12735 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12736 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12737 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12738 which is all the time.
12739 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12741 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12742 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12743 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12744 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12745 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12749 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12750 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12752 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12753 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12754 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12755 have handled this?"
12757 Brain fried -- core dumped
12760 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12761 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12763 Brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
12764 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12765 of error in an opponent.
12766 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12768 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12769 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12771 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12772 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12773 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12774 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12776 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12777 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12778 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12779 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12780 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12781 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12782 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12783 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12784 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12785 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12786 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12787 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12788 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12789 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12791 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12794 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12797 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12799 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12800 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12801 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12803 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12804 Watch lights fade from every room.
12805 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12806 another day's useless energies spent.
12808 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12809 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12810 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12811 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12813 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12814 Removes the colors from our sight.
12815 Red is grey and yellow white.
12816 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12817 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12819 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12822 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12823 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12825 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12828 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12830 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12831 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12832 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12833 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12834 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12835 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12836 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12837 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12838 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12839 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12840 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12841 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12842 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12845 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12846 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12847 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12848 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12850 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12851 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12852 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12853 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12854 -- "The Jabberwock"
12856 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12857 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12859 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12860 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12861 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12862 brusque, your character.
12865 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12866 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12869 British Israelites:
12870 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12871 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12872 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12873 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12874 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12875 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12876 and take all your teeth.
12877 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12879 broad-mindedness, n:
12880 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12883 People tend to congregate in the back
12884 of the church and the front of the bus.
12887 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12889 Brontosaurus Principle:
12890 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12891 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12892 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12893 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12896 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12897 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12898 expands it beyond recognition.
12901 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12904 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12905 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12906 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12908 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12909 (of one of the two other meanings).
12910 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12911 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12912 reviews just done in his spirit.
12914 BS: You remind me of a man.
12916 BS: The man with the power.
12918 BS: The power of voodoo.
12922 BS: Remind me of a man.
12924 BS: The man with the power...
12925 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12928 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12929 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12931 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12934 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12937 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12938 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12941 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12945 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12946 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12947 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12948 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12951 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12954 Building translators is good clean fun.
12957 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12959 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12960 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12964 All the parts falling off this car are
12965 of the very finest British manufacture.
12967 Bunker's Admonition:
12968 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12971 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12972 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12973 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12975 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12976 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12977 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12978 12 months after the decision is made.
12981 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12984 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12988 A politician who has tenure.
12990 Burke's Postulates:
12991 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12992 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12994 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12995 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12997 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12998 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12999 perfectly balanced.
13000 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13003 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13006 Bus error -- driver executed.
13008 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13010 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13012 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13013 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13014 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13016 Business will be either better or worse.
13019 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13021 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13024 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13025 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13027 But has any little atom,
13028 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13029 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13032 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13033 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13034 kill more than I could eat.
13037 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13039 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13040 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13041 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13042 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13043 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13045 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13046 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13047 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13048 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13049 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13050 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13051 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13052 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13053 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13054 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13055 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13056 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13058 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13060 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13061 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13062 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13064 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13065 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13066 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13068 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13073 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13075 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13076 In proving foresight may be vain:
13077 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13079 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13081 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13083 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13085 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13087 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13088 to the nearest gas station.
13090 But scientists, who ought to know
13091 Assure us that it must be so.
13092 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13093 What nobody is sure about.
13096 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13098 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13099 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13102 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13103 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13104 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13105 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13107 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13108 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13109 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13110 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13111 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13112 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13113 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13114 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13115 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13116 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13117 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13119 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13120 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13121 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13122 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13123 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13124 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13126 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13128 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13129 I've been taking them for years.
13131 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13132 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13133 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13134 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13135 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13136 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13138 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13141 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13142 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13144 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13145 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13146 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13147 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13149 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13150 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13151 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13152 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13153 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13154 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13155 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13156 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13157 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13158 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13159 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13160 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13161 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13162 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13165 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13167 By doing just a little every day, you can
13168 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13170 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13172 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13173 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13174 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13177 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13178 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13181 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13182 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13183 as it is to invent.
13185 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13186 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13187 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13188 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13190 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13191 -- Charles Spurgeon
13193 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13194 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13196 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13197 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13198 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13200 By the time you swear you're his,
13201 shivering and sighing
13202 and he vows his passion is
13203 infinite, undying --
13204 Lady, make a note of this:
13205 One of you is lying.
13206 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13208 By the yard, life is hard.
13209 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13211 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13212 Another man's, I mean.
13215 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13216 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13220 Believing Your Own Bull
13222 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13223 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13224 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13225 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13226 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13227 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13228 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13230 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13232 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13233 carefully print the chaff.
13244 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13246 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13247 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13248 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13251 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13252 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13253 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13258 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13260 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13262 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13263 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13266 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13267 is supposed to know is there.
13269 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13272 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13273 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13276 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13279 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13280 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13282 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13285 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13286 referring to logical names.]
13288 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13289 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13291 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13292 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13293 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13294 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13296 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13297 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13298 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13300 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13301 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13303 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13304 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13308 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13310 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13312 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13316 Can anyone remember when the times
13317 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13319 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13320 Yes, work never begun.
13322 "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
13323 No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
13324 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
13326 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13327 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13328 -- Robert J. Ringer
13330 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13331 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13333 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13334 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13336 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13337 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13338 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13340 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13341 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13342 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13343 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13344 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13346 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13347 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13348 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13349 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13350 when you're poor and unhappy.
13352 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13353 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13354 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13355 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13356 recipients are Cancer people.
13359 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13360 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13361 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13362 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13363 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13364 fashion without thinking.
13365 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13366 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13367 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13369 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13370 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13371 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13373 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13375 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13377 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13378 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13379 -- John Maynard Keynes
13381 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13382 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13383 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13384 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13385 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13386 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13388 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13389 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13390 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13391 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13393 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13394 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13395 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13396 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13397 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13399 Captain Penny's Law:
13400 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13401 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13403 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13405 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13406 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13407 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13410 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13411 trousers that don't match.
13413 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13414 the name Craney incorrectly.
13417 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13418 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13419 the same can be said of dirt.
13421 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13422 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13423 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
13424 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13425 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13427 Carson's Consolation:
13428 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13429 It can always be used as a bad example.
13431 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13432 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13434 Carswell's Corollary:
13435 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13436 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13439 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13441 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13444 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13447 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13449 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13450 -- Garrison Keillor
13452 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13453 a sled through the snow.
13455 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13457 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13458 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13460 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13462 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13464 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13466 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13468 Cecil, you're my final hope
13469 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13470 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13471 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13472 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13473 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13474 What I don't understand is just why he
13475 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13476 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13477 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13478 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13479 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13480 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13481 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13482 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13483 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13485 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13487 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13488 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13489 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13490 -- Kelvin Throop III
13492 Census Taker to Housewife:
13493 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13495 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13497 cerebral atrophy, n:
13498 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13499 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13500 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13501 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13502 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13503 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13504 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13506 cerebral darwinism, n:
13507 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13508 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13509 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13510 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13511 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13512 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13513 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13514 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13516 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13517 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13518 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13521 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13522 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13524 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13525 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13526 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13527 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13528 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13529 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13530 others who have tried it.
13531 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13534 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13535 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13536 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13537 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13538 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13539 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13540 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13541 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13543 Certainly the game is rigged.
13544 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13545 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13547 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13548 But it's very funny --
13549 did you ever try buying them without money?
13552 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13554 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13555 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13557 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13560 Chairman of the Bored.
13562 Chamberlain's Laws:
13563 1: The big guys always win.
13564 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13566 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13569 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13571 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13574 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13576 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13578 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13579 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13580 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13581 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13582 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13583 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13584 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13587 character density, n.:
13588 The number of very weird people in the office.
13590 Character is what you are in the dark!
13591 -- Lord John Whorfin
13594 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13596 Charity begins at home.
13597 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13599 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13600 Linus: To make others happy.
13601 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13603 Charlie was a chemist,
13604 But Charlie is no more.
13605 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13607 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13608 without having asked any clear question.
13610 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13612 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13613 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13616 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13617 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13619 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13621 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13622 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13625 Any cook who swears in French.
13628 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13629 the next time he's in need.
13632 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13634 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13636 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13638 Chemistry is applied theology.
13639 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13641 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13644 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13648 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13651 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13653 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13654 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13655 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13656 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13658 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13659 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13660 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13661 cheerfully baste you.
13662 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13664 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13665 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13667 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13669 Chicken Little was right.
13672 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13673 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13674 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13675 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13677 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13678 shivers when it's warm.
13680 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13681 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13683 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13684 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13686 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13687 going to catch you in next.
13688 -- Franklin P. Jones
13690 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13691 And that's what parents were created for.
13694 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13695 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13698 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13699 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13701 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13702 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13704 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13706 Chism's Law of Completion:
13707 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13708 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13710 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13711 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13713 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13714 Roger the thief has a
13717 Folks who are reading are
13719 Always Forgetting to
13720 Guard their own bac ...
13724 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13725 a friend if she were a man.
13729 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13730 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13731 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13732 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13733 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13734 And we begged her not to go.
13735 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13736 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13737 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13738 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13739 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13740 He's been taking this so well.
13741 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13742 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13743 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13744 They should never give a license,
13745 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13747 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13750 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
13752 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13754 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13755 -- George Bernard Shaw
13757 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13758 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13759 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13760 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13762 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13763 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13764 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13765 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13767 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13768 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13769 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13770 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13771 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13772 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13773 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13774 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13775 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13778 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13779 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13780 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13783 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13787 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13788 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13789 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13791 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13794 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13797 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13798 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13800 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13804 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13805 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13807 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13809 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13810 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13813 Clarke's Conclusion:
13814 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13816 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13817 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13820 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13821 leading the parade.
13824 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13825 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13828 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13830 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13831 the walk before it stops snowing.
13834 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13837 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13840 Where their last tornado did six
13841 million dollars worth of improvements.
13843 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13846 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13848 Climate and Surgery
13849 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13850 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13851 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13852 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13853 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13854 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13855 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13857 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13858 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13860 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13861 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13862 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13863 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13864 please?" it asked the bartender.
13865 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13866 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13867 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13870 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13871 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13872 is a clone of our product."
13874 Clones are people two.
13876 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13878 Clothes make the man.
13879 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13882 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13883 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13884 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13885 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13887 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13888 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13889 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13891 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13892 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13893 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13895 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13896 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13897 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13899 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13900 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13901 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13903 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13904 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13905 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13907 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13908 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13909 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13911 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13912 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13913 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13915 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13916 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13917 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13919 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13920 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13921 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13922 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13923 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13924 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13926 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13927 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13928 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13930 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13931 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13932 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13934 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13935 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13936 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13937 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13940 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13943 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13945 COBOL is for morons.
13946 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13948 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13950 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13953 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13954 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13956 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13957 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13958 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13960 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13964 There is no bottom to worse.
13967 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13968 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13969 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13972 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13975 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13976 -- G. K. Chesterton
13979 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
13982 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13985 Cold hands, no gloves.
13988 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13991 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13992 other fellow can spell.
13995 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13997 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13998 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13999 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14000 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14005 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14007 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14009 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14011 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14012 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14013 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14014 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14015 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14016 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14017 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14018 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14019 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14020 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14022 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14023 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14024 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14025 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14026 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14027 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14028 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14030 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14031 All probabilities are 50%.
14032 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14034 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14035 This is especially true when
14036 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14038 Grelb's Commentary:
14039 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14041 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14042 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14043 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14044 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14045 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14047 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14048 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14049 The bird of time has but a little way
14050 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14054 -- George McGovern, 1972
14056 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14057 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14058 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14060 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14061 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14062 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14063 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14064 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14066 Come live with me, and be my love,
14067 And we will some new pleasures prove
14068 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14069 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14072 Come live with me and be my love,
14073 And we will some new pleasures prove
14074 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14075 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14076 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14077 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14079 You live with me, and I with you,
14080 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14081 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14082 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14084 And everything we will confess;
14085 Yes, even to the IRS.
14086 Some day on what we both may earn,
14087 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14088 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14089 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14090 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14091 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14093 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14094 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14096 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14097 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14100 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14101 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14102 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14103 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14104 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14105 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14106 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14107 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14108 Wherever in your sightless substances
14109 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14110 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14111 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14112 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14113 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14116 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14118 Coming to Stores Near You:
14120 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14122 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14123 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14124 I'm Not Misbehaving
14126 And A Whole Lot More...
14128 Coming together is a beginning;
14129 keeping together is progress;
14130 working together is success.
14133 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14134 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14136 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14137 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14140 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14141 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14144 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14145 decide that nothing can be done.
14149 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14150 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14151 stamps you as being wise.
14152 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14154 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14155 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14156 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14158 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14159 be appointed to do the work.
14161 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14162 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14165 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14168 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14171 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14172 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14175 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14176 1) No action is without side-effects.
14177 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14178 3) There is no free lunch.
14180 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14182 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14183 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14186 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14187 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14188 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14189 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14190 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14191 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14192 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14195 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14196 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14199 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14200 is in the eye of the beholder.
14201 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14203 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14204 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14209 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14212 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14215 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14216 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14217 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14220 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14221 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14222 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14224 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14226 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14228 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14231 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14232 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14233 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14234 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14235 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14236 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14237 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14239 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14241 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14243 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14244 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14247 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14249 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14250 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14253 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14256 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14257 the world that just don't add up.
14259 Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
14260 The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
14261 goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
14262 course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
14263 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
14265 Computers don't actually think.
14266 You just think they think.
14269 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14270 than the estimate the job will cost.
14272 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14273 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14276 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14279 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14280 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14281 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14283 Condense soup, not books!
14286 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14287 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14288 he's already decided to do.
14290 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14291 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14294 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14296 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14297 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14300 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14302 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14304 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14305 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14306 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14308 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14309 fall flat on your face.
14312 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14314 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14315 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14317 Conflicting research paradigms
14318 Have legitimized various crimes.
14319 The worst we can see
14321 Measuring reaction times.
14323 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14325 Confucius say too damn much!
14327 Confucius say too much.
14328 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14330 Confusion will be my epitaph
14331 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14332 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14333 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14334 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14336 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14337 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14340 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14341 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14342 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14343 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14344 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14345 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14346 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14347 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14348 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14349 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14350 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14351 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14352 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14354 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14356 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14361 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14362 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14363 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14364 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14365 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14368 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14369 nameless to the development team after releasing
14370 the second version of their product.
14372 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14374 Mathematician's Proof:
14375 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14376 odd numbers are prime.
14378 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14379 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14381 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14382 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14383 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14384 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14386 Connector Conspiracy, n:
14387 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14388 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14389 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14390 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14391 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14394 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14396 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14397 governing that is hard.
14398 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14400 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14403 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14406 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14407 when everything else feels great.
14409 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14410 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14412 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14416 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14417 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14418 never admitted to in the first place.
14420 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14421 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14424 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14425 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14428 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14429 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14431 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14432 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14434 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14435 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14436 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14437 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14439 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14440 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14441 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14443 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14444 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14448 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14449 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14450 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14451 Calculator, Will Travel.
14454 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14457 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14458 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14459 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14460 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14464 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14465 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14467 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14468 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14471 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14473 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14474 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14475 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14476 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14477 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14478 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14480 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14481 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14482 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14484 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14485 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
14487 Convention is the ruler of all.
14490 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14491 but solitude is the school of genius.
14494 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14495 is called the listener.
14498 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14501 This person must be fired.
14503 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14505 -- Raymond Chandler
14508 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14509 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14510 interested in reading them.
14513 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14514 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
14516 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14518 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14522 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14524 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14525 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14529 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14530 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14531 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14534 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14536 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14537 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14538 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14539 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14540 being easier to stake.
14542 Counting in binary is just like counting
14543 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14546 Counting in octal is just like counting
14547 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14550 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14552 Courage is grace under pressure.
14554 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14557 Courage is your greatest present need.
14560 A place where they dispense with justice.
14563 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14564 -- William Congreve
14567 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14568 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14570 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14571 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14572 -- Wernher von Braun
14574 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14576 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14577 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14578 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14579 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14580 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14581 between adequacy and excellence.
14583 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14584 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14585 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14586 say it was obvious all along.
14587 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14589 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14591 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14592 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14594 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14598 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14600 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14601 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14602 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14603 regardless of your formal duties.
14605 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14609 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14611 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14613 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14616 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14617 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14620 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14621 -- Socrates' last words
14624 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14627 The amount of work done varies inversely
14628 with the time spent in the office.
14630 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14633 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14634 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14635 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14636 much work has already been done on it.
14638 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14640 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14644 Cthulhu for President!
14645 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14647 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14649 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14651 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14655 One whose program will not run.
14660 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14662 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14664 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14665 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14666 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14667 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14668 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14669 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14670 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14671 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14672 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14673 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14674 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14675 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14676 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14680 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14681 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14682 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14683 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14685 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14687 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14688 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14691 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14695 Cutler Webster's Law:
14696 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14697 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14699 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14700 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14701 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
14708 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14709 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14710 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14711 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14714 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14717 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14718 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14721 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14724 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14725 it lacks is a decent editor
14728 The city that chose Astroturf to
14729 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14731 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
14733 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14735 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14738 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14740 Damn, I need a Coke!
14741 -- Dr. William DeVries
14742 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14744 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14747 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14749 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14752 The watchdog barkin'
14756 Slip in his window.
14758 Then his house I start to wreck
14763 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14764 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14766 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14767 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14770 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14771 -- Princess Leia Organa
14773 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14776 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14779 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14780 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14782 Data is not information;
14783 Information is not knowledge;
14784 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14787 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14788 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14790 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14792 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14793 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14794 * Hourly motel rates
14795 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14796 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14797 like some countries we could mention
14798 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14799 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14800 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14802 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14803 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14804 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14805 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14806 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14807 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14808 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14809 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14810 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14811 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14812 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14813 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14814 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14816 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14817 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14818 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14821 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14824 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14825 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14827 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14829 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14830 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14833 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14835 Dealing with failure is easy:
14836 Work hard to improve.
14837 Success is also easy to handle:
14838 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14840 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14841 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14845 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14849 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14850 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14851 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14852 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14853 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14854 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14855 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14856 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14858 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14861 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14862 summarize. What should I do?
14866 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14867 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14868 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14869 summarizing a vote.
14870 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14873 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14878 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14879 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14880 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14882 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14885 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14890 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14891 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14892 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14893 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14894 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14895 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14898 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14899 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14900 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14901 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14902 -- A Concerned Citizen
14905 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14906 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14907 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14908 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14909 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14911 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14912 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14913 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14914 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14915 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14916 they are always interested in good stories.
14919 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14920 to. How about an example?
14924 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14925 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14926 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14927 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14928 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14929 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14930 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14931 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14932 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14933 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14934 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14935 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14936 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14937 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14938 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14939 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14940 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14941 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14944 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14949 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14950 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14952 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14953 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14954 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14955 about the signature anyway.
14956 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14958 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14962 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14963 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14964 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14965 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14966 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14968 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14971 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14972 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14973 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14974 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14977 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14978 the other hand", again.
14980 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14984 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14985 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14986 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14989 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14990 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14991 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14992 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14995 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
14999 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15003 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15004 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15005 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15006 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15007 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15008 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15009 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15012 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15013 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15014 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15015 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15016 before making your attack.
15018 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15019 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15020 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15021 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15022 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15023 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15024 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15025 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15026 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15027 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15031 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15033 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15035 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15036 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15037 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15038 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15039 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15040 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15041 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15044 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15049 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15050 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15051 posting it. All others please ignore."
15052 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15053 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15054 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15055 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15056 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15057 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15058 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15059 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15060 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15061 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15062 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15063 so post it as many places as you can.
15064 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15067 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15068 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15069 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15070 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15071 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15073 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15075 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15077 Death before dishonor.
15078 But neither before breakfast.
15080 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15081 He lurks in every flower;
15082 Each season has its own disease,
15083 Its peril -- every hour.
15086 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15088 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15089 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15092 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15094 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15097 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15099 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15101 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15103 Death is only a state of mind.
15105 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15107 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15109 Death to all fanatics!
15112 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15114 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15116 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15117 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15119 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15122 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15123 erra, n: A mistake.
15124 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15125 Linder, n: A female name.
15126 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15127 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15128 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15129 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15130 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15131 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15132 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15133 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15135 Decision maker, n.:
15136 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15137 before the music stopped.
15139 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15140 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15141 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15142 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15143 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15144 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15146 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15147 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15149 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15150 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15153 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15154 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15155 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15156 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15160 The hardware's, of course.
15163 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15164 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15165 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15166 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15168 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15171 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15172 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15173 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15174 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15176 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15178 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15180 Hardware is what you kick;
15181 Software is what you curse.
15183 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15186 (cond ((null c) () )
15188 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15190 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15192 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15194 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15195 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15196 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15197 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15198 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15199 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15201 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15202 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15205 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15206 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15207 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15208 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15209 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15211 Delay is preferable to error.
15212 -- Thomas Jefferson
15214 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15215 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15217 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15218 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15220 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15221 referring to I/O system services.]
15223 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15224 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15225 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15226 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15227 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15228 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15229 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15230 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15231 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15232 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15234 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15235 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15236 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15238 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15241 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15243 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15245 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15247 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15248 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15249 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15250 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15251 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15252 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15253 steroid-free fitness center.
15254 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15256 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15257 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15258 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15260 Demand the establishment of the government
15261 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15263 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15264 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15266 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15267 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15269 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15271 -- George Bernard Shaw
15273 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15274 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15277 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15278 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15279 -- George Bernard Shaw
15281 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15284 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15285 will get the blame.
15286 -- Laurence J. Peter
15288 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15289 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15292 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15293 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15295 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15296 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15298 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15299 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15302 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15303 deserve to get it good and hard.
15304 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15306 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15307 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15308 -- Winston Churchill
15311 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15312 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15313 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15314 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15315 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15316 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15317 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15318 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15322 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15325 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15326 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15327 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15328 -- Charles Bukowski
15330 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15331 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15333 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15334 The remainder is thrown out.
15336 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15338 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15339 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15341 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15342 windows by Democrats.
15343 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15345 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15346 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15348 Dental health is next to mental health.
15351 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15352 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15353 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15356 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15358 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15360 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15362 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15364 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15365 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15368 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15370 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15371 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15374 What you regret not doing later on.
15376 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15377 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15379 Despising machines to a man,
15380 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15381 And ride out by night
15382 In a sheeting of white
15383 To lynch all the robots they can.
15384 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15386 Despite all appearances, your boss
15387 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15389 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15390 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15392 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15394 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15395 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15396 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15398 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15401 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15402 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15404 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15405 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15408 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15409 Some do, some don't.
15411 Did I say 2? I lied.
15413 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15414 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15416 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15417 has already been born?
15420 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15421 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15424 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15426 Did you hear about the model who sat
15427 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15429 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15430 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15432 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15434 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15439 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15440 only recaptured 116 of them?
15443 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15445 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15448 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15449 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15450 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15452 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15455 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15456 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15457 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15458 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15460 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15462 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15463 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15464 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15465 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15466 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15467 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15469 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15470 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15472 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15475 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15476 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15478 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15479 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15481 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15486 Did you know the University of Iowa
15487 closed down after someone stole the book?
15491 That no-one ever reads these things?
15493 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15494 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15495 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15496 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15499 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
15501 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15502 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15503 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15506 To stop sinning suddenly.
15509 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15510 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15512 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15514 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15516 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15519 Dignity is like a flag.
15520 It flaps in a storm.
15525 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15526 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15527 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15529 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15531 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15532 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15533 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15536 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15538 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15539 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15541 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15542 asked him, after a few days.
15543 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15545 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15546 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15547 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15549 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15552 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15555 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15561 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15565 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15566 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15569 As distinguished from some other bar.
15571 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15573 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15574 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15575 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15576 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15577 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15578 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15579 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15580 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15582 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15587 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15588 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15590 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15592 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15594 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15597 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15600 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15602 Disks travel in packs.
15604 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15605 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15607 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15608 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15611 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15614 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15615 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15617 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15618 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15619 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15621 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15622 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15623 -- Lord Chesterfield
15625 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15627 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15630 Do clones have navels?
15632 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15635 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15637 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15639 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15641 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15643 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
15645 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15647 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15650 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15651 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15652 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15653 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15654 of them ever committed suicide.
15655 -- Henry David Thoreau
15657 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15658 Their tastes may not be the same.
15659 -- George Bernard Shaw
15661 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15663 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15666 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15668 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15671 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15672 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15674 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15675 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15677 Do not overtax your powers.
15679 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15680 Violators will be prosecuted.
15681 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15683 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15684 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15685 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15687 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15689 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15691 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15693 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15694 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15697 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15699 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15701 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15703 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15705 Do not worry about which side your
15706 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15708 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15710 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15712 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15714 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15716 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15718 Do unto others before they undo you.
15720 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15722 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15723 -- Aleister Crowley
15725 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15726 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15728 Do you believe in intuition?
15729 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15731 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15732 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15733 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15734 Can you see your neck?
15735 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15736 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15737 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15738 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15741 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15743 Do you have lysdexia?
15745 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15747 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15748 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15749 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15750 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15751 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15752 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15756 Do you know Montana?
15758 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15759 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15762 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15763 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15766 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15767 between Nixon and the White House.
15768 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15770 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15771 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15773 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15774 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15776 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15777 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15779 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15780 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15782 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15784 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15785 just whipped out a quarter?
15788 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15789 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15791 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15792 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15793 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15794 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15795 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15796 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15798 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15799 Do they like to shake their tails?
15800 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15801 Is your garden full of snails?
15803 Do your part to help preserve life on
15804 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15806 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15807 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15808 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15811 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15814 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15815 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15818 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15819 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15821 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15822 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15823 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15824 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15825 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15827 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15829 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15831 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15832 and the rest of us.
15834 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15836 Doing gets it done.
15839 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15841 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15842 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15843 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15844 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15845 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
15846 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15847 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15849 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15851 Don't abandon hope.
15852 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15854 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15857 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15858 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15859 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15860 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15862 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15865 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15867 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15869 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15871 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15873 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15875 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15878 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15880 Don't confuse things that need action
15881 with those that take care of themselves.
15883 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15885 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15886 -- Firesign Theatre
15888 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15890 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15893 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15894 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15896 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15898 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15899 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15901 Don't eat yellow snow.
15903 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15905 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15908 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15909 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15911 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15913 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15916 Don't get even, get odd.
15918 Don't get mad, get even.
15919 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15921 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15924 Don't get mad, get interest.
15926 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15928 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15929 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15932 Don't get to bragging.
15934 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15935 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15938 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15940 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15943 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15945 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15947 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15949 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15951 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15955 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15957 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15958 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15960 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15962 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15964 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15966 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15967 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15969 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15970 until you have hold of something else.
15971 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15973 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15974 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15975 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15976 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15977 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15978 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15979 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15981 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15983 Don't let your status become too quo!
15985 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15987 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15989 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15995 Your brains are in it.
15998 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16000 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16001 -- Scottish Proverb
16003 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16005 Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
16006 -- "The Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Plauger
16008 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16009 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16011 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16012 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16014 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16015 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16017 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16018 lock the door and throw away the key.
16020 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16022 Don't read everything you believe.
16024 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16026 Don't remember what you can infer.
16029 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16030 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16032 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16034 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16035 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16037 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16039 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16041 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16043 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16047 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16049 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16052 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16055 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16056 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16058 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16060 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16063 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16064 sodomy and the lash.
16065 -- Winston Churchill
16067 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16069 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16072 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16075 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16076 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16077 -- Watchman Examiner
16079 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16081 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16084 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16085 with my breakfast cereal.
16086 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16088 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16090 Don't wake me up too soon...
16091 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16094 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16095 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16097 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16099 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16101 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16103 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16104 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16107 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16108 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16111 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16114 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16115 you can always take something for it.
16117 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16118 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16120 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16122 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16124 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16125 want to help you could agree with each other?
16127 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16129 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16130 you through times of no dope.
16133 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16134 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16135 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16136 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16140 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16141 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16142 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16143 Control and meta, side by side,
16144 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16145 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16147 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16148 Had a couple of bits more!
16149 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16151 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16152 OR'd together, outta sight!
16153 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16154 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16155 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16156 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16157 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16158 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16160 double-blind Experiment, n:
16161 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16162 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16163 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16165 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16168 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16169 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16171 Down to the Banana Republics,
16172 Down to the tropical sun.
16173 Go the expatriated Americans,
16174 Hoping to find some fun.
16175 Some of them go for the sailing,
16176 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16177 Trying to find what is ailing,
16178 Living in the land of the free.
16179 Some of them are running from lovers,
16180 Leaving no forward address.
16181 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16182 Some are running from the IRS.
16183 Late at night you will find them,
16184 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16185 Hustling the senoritas,
16186 While they dance beneath the stars.
16187 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16189 Down with the categorical imperative!
16192 In a hierarchical organization,
16193 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16195 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16196 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16197 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16198 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16200 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16202 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16204 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16205 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16206 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16207 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16209 Here's how the diet works:
16212 First Month: One egg
16213 Second Month: A raisin
16214 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16216 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16217 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16219 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16222 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16224 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16225 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16226 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16228 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16230 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16232 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16234 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16235 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16236 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16238 Drilling for oil is boring.
16240 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16241 Love, the reeling midnight through
16242 For tomorrow we shall die!
16243 (But, alas, we never do.)
16244 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16246 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16248 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16249 instant motor skills.
16252 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16255 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16256 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16259 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16260 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16261 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16263 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16265 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16266 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16267 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16270 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16271 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16272 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16273 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16274 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16279 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16282 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16286 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16289 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16291 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16296 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16297 yourself as part of the problem.
16299 Ducharme's Precept:
16300 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16304 Ducks? What ducks??
16306 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16307 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16310 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16311 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16313 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16314 fate and captain of your soul.
16316 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16319 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16321 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16322 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16323 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16324 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16327 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16328 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16330 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16332 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16333 perform as president?"
16334 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16337 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16338 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16339 and fly your colors proudly.
16341 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16342 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16343 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16346 What one expects from others.
16349 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16350 nothing whatever to do with it.
16351 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16353 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16354 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16356 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16363 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16365 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16368 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16369 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16370 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16371 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16372 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16373 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16374 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16375 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16376 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16377 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16378 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16379 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16380 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16381 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16382 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16383 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16385 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16386 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16388 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16389 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16390 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16391 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16393 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16396 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16397 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16398 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16402 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16403 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16405 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16409 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16410 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16411 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16413 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16415 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16416 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16417 21st century aircraft:
16419 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16420 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16421 pilot if he touches anything.
16422 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16424 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16425 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16427 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16428 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16431 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16433 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16435 /earth: file system full.
16437 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16439 Earth is a beta site.
16441 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16444 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16445 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16446 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16447 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16448 means the puzzle is solved.
16449 -- Steve Rubenstein
16451 Easy come and easy go,
16452 some call me easy money,
16453 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16454 and sometimes it ain't funny
16455 You may think that I'm a fool
16456 and sometimes that is true,
16457 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16458 with or without you.
16461 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16462 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16464 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16466 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16468 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16470 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16471 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16473 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16475 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16477 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16479 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16481 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16482 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16485 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16486 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16488 Economies of scale:
16489 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16490 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16491 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16492 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16493 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16497 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16498 personality to become an accountant.
16500 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16501 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16504 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16505 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16506 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16508 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16511 Editing is a rewording activity.
16513 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16514 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16515 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16517 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16518 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16519 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16521 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16522 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16524 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16527 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16530 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16531 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16532 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16533 royal-blue chickens.
16534 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16536 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16537 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16539 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16542 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16543 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16544 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16545 the "nog" comes from.
16547 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16550 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16552 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16553 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16556 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16559 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16563 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16564 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16566 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16568 Ehrman's Commentary:
16569 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16570 2. Who said things would get better?
16572 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16573 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16576 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16577 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16581 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16582 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16585 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16586 armrest in a movie theatre.
16587 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16590 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16592 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16593 make the machine do some more.
16596 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16597 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16600 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16602 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16606 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16607 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16608 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16609 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16613 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16614 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16615 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16617 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16619 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16620 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16621 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16622 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16623 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16624 the faint of heart.
16625 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16626 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16629 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16630 children under eight years of age.
16632 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16635 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16637 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16641 A mouse built to government specifications.
16643 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16645 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16646 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16647 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16648 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16649 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16650 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16651 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16652 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16654 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16655 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16656 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16657 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16658 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16660 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16663 The feel of a kiss.
16665 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16667 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16668 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16671 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16673 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
16674 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16675 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16678 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16679 Son knows everything.
16681 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16682 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16683 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16684 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16686 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16687 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16688 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16690 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16692 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16693 And here, find rest.
16695 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16696 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16697 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16698 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16700 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16701 Science: "Why will this work?"
16702 Management: "When will this work?"
16703 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16705 English literature's performing flea.
16706 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16709 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16710 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16711 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16712 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16713 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16714 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16715 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16716 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16717 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16718 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16720 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16721 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16724 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16726 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16728 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16731 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16732 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16734 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16736 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16739 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16743 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16744 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16746 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16747 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16751 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16752 something his wife can beat him at.
16754 Equal bytes for women.
16756 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16757 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16759 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16760 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16762 Error in operator: add beer
16764 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16765 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16766 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16767 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16768 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
16770 Eschew obfuscation.
16772 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16773 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16775 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16777 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16780 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16783 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16784 fashion for those with no taste.
16787 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16788 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16789 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16790 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16794 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
16795 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16798 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16799 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16800 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16801 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16802 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16803 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16804 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16805 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16806 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16807 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16808 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16810 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16815 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16817 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16819 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16821 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16822 And says his prayers at night
16823 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16824 And the moon is full and bright.
16825 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16827 Even God cannot change the past.
16830 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16833 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16834 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16837 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16840 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16843 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16844 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16845 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16846 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16847 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16848 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16849 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16850 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16851 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16852 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16853 A fairer summer and a later fall
16854 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16855 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16856 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16857 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16858 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16860 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16862 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16863 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16865 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16866 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16869 Events are not affected, they develop.
16872 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16874 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16875 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16877 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16878 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16881 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16882 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16884 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16885 Simple coincidence?
16888 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16889 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16890 We're big but bigger we will be,
16891 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16893 Our products now are known in every zone.
16894 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16895 We've fought our way thru
16896 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16897 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16898 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16900 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16901 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16902 Right here and now we thankfully
16903 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16904 To the corporation that's the best of all
16905 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16906 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16907 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16908 Once or twice, then sing again
16909 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16910 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16912 Ever since I was a young boy,
16913 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16914 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16915 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16916 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16917 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16918 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16919 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16920 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16921 Sure sends a mean packet.
16922 He's a UNIX wizard,
16923 There has to be a twist.
16924 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16925 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16926 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16927 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16928 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16929 The proper bit flags set,
16930 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16931 Sure sends a mean packet.
16934 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16935 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16936 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16937 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16938 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16939 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16940 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16941 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16943 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16945 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16947 Because newspapers are read too.
16948 Two and Two is four.
16949 Four and four is eight.
16950 Eight and four is twelve.
16951 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16952 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16953 Queen Mary was a ship.
16954 Ships sail the sea.
16955 There are fishes in the sea.
16957 The Fins fought the Russians.
16959 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16960 Therefore fire engines are red.
16962 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16963 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16964 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16965 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
16966 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16967 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16968 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16969 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16970 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16971 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16972 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16973 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16974 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16975 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16976 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16978 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16979 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16981 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16985 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16987 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16988 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16990 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16991 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16993 Every country has the government it deserves.
16994 -- Joseph De Maistre
16996 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16998 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17000 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17003 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17005 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17006 woman and stop her.
17008 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17009 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17010 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17011 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17012 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
17013 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17015 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17016 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17017 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17018 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17019 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17020 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17021 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17022 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17024 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17026 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17027 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17028 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17029 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17030 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17031 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17032 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17033 color"], that does not exist.
17035 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17036 -- Frank Moore Colby
17038 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17040 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17043 Every love's the love before
17045 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17047 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
17049 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17050 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17051 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17052 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17053 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17054 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17055 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17056 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17057 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17058 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17059 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17061 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17062 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17064 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17065 of vision for the limits of the world.
17068 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17069 and powerful know that he is.
17070 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17072 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17073 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17074 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17075 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17076 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17077 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17078 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17080 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17081 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17084 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
17085 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
17088 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17089 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17090 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17091 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17092 up, you'd better be running.
17094 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17096 Every night my prayers I say,
17097 And get my dinner every day;
17098 And every day that I've been good,
17099 I get an orange after food.
17100 The child that is not clean and neat,
17101 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17102 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17103 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17104 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17106 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17108 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17110 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17111 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17112 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17113 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17114 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17116 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17117 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17120 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17121 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17122 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17123 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17125 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17126 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17127 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17130 Every path has its puddle.
17132 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17133 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17134 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17136 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17137 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17138 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17140 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17141 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17143 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17145 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17147 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17148 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17150 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17151 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17154 Every solution breeds new problems.
17156 Every successful person has had failures
17157 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17159 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17162 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17164 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17166 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17168 Every time you manage to close the door on
17169 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17171 Every why hath a wherefore.
17172 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17174 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17177 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17181 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17182 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17183 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17184 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17185 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17186 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17187 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17188 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17189 you're fired. As of right now."
17190 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17191 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17192 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17193 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17196 Everybody has something to conceal.
17199 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17200 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17202 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17205 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17206 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17207 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17208 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17210 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17211 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17214 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17215 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17217 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17218 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17219 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17220 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17222 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17223 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17224 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17225 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17226 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17228 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17231 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17232 stop hacking and fall in love!
17234 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17236 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17237 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17239 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17241 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17243 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17246 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17248 Everyone is in the best seat.
17251 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17254 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17255 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17256 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17257 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17258 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17259 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17260 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17261 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17262 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17264 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17266 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17268 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17272 Everyone was born right-handed.
17273 Only the greatest overcome it.
17275 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17276 1. They want it quick.
17277 2. They want it good.
17278 3. They want it cheap.
17279 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17280 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17282 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17284 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17286 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17288 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17290 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17291 -- Alexander Woollcott
17293 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17294 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17296 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17297 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17299 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17300 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17302 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17303 that a belch is more satisfying.
17306 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17307 something you know.
17308 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17309 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17311 Everything might be different in the present
17312 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17314 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17315 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17317 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17319 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17322 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17325 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17326 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17328 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17330 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17332 Everything you know is wrong!
17334 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17335 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17338 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17339 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17340 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17341 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17343 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17345 Everything's great in this good old world;
17346 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17347 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17348 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17349 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17350 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17351 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17352 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17353 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17355 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17356 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17357 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17358 -- Flannery O'Connor
17360 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17361 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17362 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17364 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17366 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17367 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17370 Evolution is a million line computer
17371 program falling into place by accident.
17373 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17374 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17375 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17376 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17377 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17378 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17379 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17380 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17382 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17383 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17386 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17387 It is the only thing.
17388 -- Albert Schweitzer
17390 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17391 Spike the office water cooler.
17393 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17395 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17397 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17399 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17402 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17403 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17405 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17406 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17408 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17411 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17412 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17413 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17415 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17416 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17417 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17419 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17421 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17423 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17426 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17430 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17432 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17434 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17435 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17437 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17439 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17441 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17443 Expedience is the best teacher.
17445 Expense accounts, n:
17446 Corporate food stamps.
17448 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17449 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17451 Experience is not what happens to you;
17452 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17455 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17456 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17459 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17460 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17462 Experience is what causes a person
17463 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17465 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17467 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17468 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17469 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17471 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17474 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17478 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17480 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17482 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17483 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17484 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17485 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17486 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17487 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17488 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17489 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17490 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17491 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17492 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17493 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17494 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17495 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17497 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17498 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17499 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17500 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17501 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17502 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17503 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17504 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17505 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17506 offer more plausible alternatives.
17507 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17508 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17510 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17511 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17513 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17514 of justice is no virtue.
17517 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17518 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17519 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17520 On the poison they're exuding.
17521 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17523 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17525 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17527 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17529 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17531 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17533 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17536 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17538 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17541 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17544 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17545 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17546 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17547 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17548 doesn't even shout at me."
17549 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17550 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17551 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17552 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17553 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17554 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17555 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17556 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17557 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17558 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17559 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17560 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17562 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17564 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17565 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17568 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17570 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17572 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17573 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17574 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17575 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17577 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17578 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17580 Faith is under the left nipple.
17584 That quality which enables us to
17585 believe what we know to be untrue.
17588 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17589 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17590 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17593 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17594 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17595 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17596 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17597 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17598 good idea to check with your doctor.
17601 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17602 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17604 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17606 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17608 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17609 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17612 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17613 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17616 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17618 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17620 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17623 Families, when a child is born
17624 Want it to be intelligent.
17625 I, through intelligence,
17626 Having wrecked my whole life,
17627 Only hope the baby will prove
17628 Ignorant and stupid.
17629 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17630 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17634 Conspicuously miserable.
17635 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17640 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17641 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17642 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17643 4: We won't need reservations.
17644 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17645 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17646 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17647 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17649 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17650 forgotten your aim.
17651 -- George Santayana
17653 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17654 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17656 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17657 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17658 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17659 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17660 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17661 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17662 was the Empire forged.
17663 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17665 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17667 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17668 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17669 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17670 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17671 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17672 are a pretty neat idea ...
17673 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17675 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17676 stressful than divorce.
17677 -- Wall Street Journal
17679 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17680 it every six months.
17683 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17686 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17688 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17691 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17694 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17696 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17698 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17699 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17701 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17703 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17704 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17705 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17708 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17710 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17711 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17713 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17717 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17718 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17719 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17720 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17721 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17723 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17724 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17727 Feel disillusioned?
17728 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17730 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17733 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17734 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
17735 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17736 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17737 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17738 A singular development of cat communications
17739 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17740 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17741 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17742 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17743 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17744 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17745 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17746 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17747 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17748 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17749 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17751 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17752 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17753 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17754 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
17755 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17756 yours to the bottom of the list.
17758 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17759 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17760 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17761 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17762 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17763 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17764 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17766 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17769 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17772 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17773 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17774 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17776 Ferguson's Precept:
17777 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17779 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17780 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17782 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17783 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17784 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17785 basic difference between robots and humans?
17786 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17787 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17788 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17790 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17794 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17796 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17797 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17798 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17799 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17800 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17802 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17803 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17805 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17807 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17808 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17809 there is nothing important to do.
17811 Fifty flippant frogs
17812 Walked by on flippered feet
17813 And with their slime they made the time
17816 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17820 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17823 Throwing your wait around.
17825 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17826 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17829 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17831 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17832 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17834 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17835 No matter what results are expected,
17836 someone is always willing to fake it.
17838 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17839 No matter what the result someone
17840 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17842 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17843 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17844 it happened according to his pet theory.
17846 Finagle's First Law:
17847 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17849 Finagle's First Law:
17850 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17852 Finagle's Second Law:
17853 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17855 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17856 Once a job is fouled up,
17857 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17859 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17860 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17862 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17863 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17865 Finagle's Second Law:
17866 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17867 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17868 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17870 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17871 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17873 Finagle's Third Law:
17874 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17875 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17878 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17879 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17880 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17883 Perfection is finality.
17884 Nothing is perfect.
17885 There are lumps in it.
17887 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17889 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17891 Fine day for friends.
17894 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17896 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17899 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17901 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17903 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17905 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17908 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17911 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17913 First, a few words about tools.
17915 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17916 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17917 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17918 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17919 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17920 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17921 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17923 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17924 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17927 First Law of Bicycling:
17928 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17930 First law of debate:
17931 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17933 First Law of Procrastination:
17934 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17935 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17936 imposed the deadline).
17938 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17939 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17941 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17942 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17943 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17945 First Rule of History:
17946 History doesn't repeat itself --
17947 historians merely repeat each other.
17949 First rule of public speaking.
17950 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17952 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17954 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17955 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17957 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17958 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17959 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17960 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17961 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17962 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17963 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17964 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17965 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17966 another phone booth.
17967 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17968 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17969 released it, too, in the scrub.
17970 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17971 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17972 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17973 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17974 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17976 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17978 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
17979 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
17981 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17982 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17983 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17984 trees to prove their manhood.
17988 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17989 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17991 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17994 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17997 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18000 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18001 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18002 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18003 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18004 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18005 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18006 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18007 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18008 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18009 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18010 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18011 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18012 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18013 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18014 Yes, and goin' insane,
18015 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18016 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18018 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18020 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18021 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18022 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18023 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18024 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18025 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18026 Irish Political History".
18028 Five rules for eternal misery:
18029 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18030 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18031 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18032 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18033 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18034 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18035 things might become).
18036 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18037 follow the first four rules.
18043 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18044 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18046 Flappity, floppity, flip
18047 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18048 The strip revolved,
18049 The mouse dissolved
18050 In a chronodimensional skip.
18053 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18054 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18056 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18059 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18061 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18063 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18067 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18068 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18070 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18071 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18074 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18075 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18077 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18078 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18080 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18081 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18084 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18085 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18086 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18087 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18088 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18090 flowchart, n. & v.:
18091 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18092 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18093 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18094 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18095 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18096 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18097 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18098 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18099 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18100 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18101 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18102 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18105 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18106 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18108 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18110 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18111 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18113 Flying saucers on occasion
18114 Show themselves to human eyes.
18115 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18116 While they brand these tales as lies.
18119 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18120 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18121 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18123 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18124 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18125 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18126 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18128 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18129 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18131 Foolproof Operation:
18132 No provision for adjustment.
18134 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18136 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18137 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18139 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18140 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18141 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18143 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18146 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18148 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18150 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18152 For a light heart lives long.
18153 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18155 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18158 For adult education nothing beats children.
18160 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18161 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18162 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18163 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18164 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18165 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18166 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18167 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18169 For an adequate time call 555-3321
18171 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18172 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18174 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18177 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18179 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18180 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18182 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18185 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18186 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18189 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18193 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18196 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18197 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18200 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18201 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18202 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18203 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18204 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18205 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18206 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18207 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18209 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18211 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18215 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18224 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18226 For good, return good.
18227 For evil, return justice.
18229 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18230 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18232 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18233 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18234 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18236 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18237 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18238 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18239 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18240 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18241 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18242 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18245 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18247 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18248 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18251 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18252 get themselves filed.
18255 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18256 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18259 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18260 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18261 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18262 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18263 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18264 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18265 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18266 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18267 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18268 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18269 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18270 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18272 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18273 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18274 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18275 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18276 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18278 For people who like that kind of book,
18279 that is the kind of book they will like.
18281 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18282 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18283 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18286 Parachute. Used once.
18287 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18289 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18290 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18291 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18293 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18295 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18296 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18297 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18300 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18301 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18303 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18305 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18306 referring to system overview.]
18309 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18310 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18313 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18315 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18316 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18318 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18319 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18320 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18322 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18323 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18325 For they starve the frightened little child
18326 Till it weeps both night and day:
18327 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18328 And gibe the old and grey,
18329 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18330 And none a word may say.
18332 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18333 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18334 And the fetid breath of living Death
18335 Chokes up each grated screen,
18336 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18337 In Humanity's machine.
18339 And all men kill the thing they love,
18340 By all let this be heard,
18341 Some do it with a bitter look,
18342 Some with a flattering word,
18343 The coward does it with a kiss,
18344 The brave man with a sword.
18347 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18348 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18349 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18350 spend my evenings?"
18353 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18354 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18355 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18358 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18359 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18361 8 oz. shredded suet
18363 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18365 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18366 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18367 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18368 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18369 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18370 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18371 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18372 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18373 four to five hours.
18375 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18378 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18379 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18382 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18383 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18384 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18386 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18388 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18389 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18390 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18391 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18392 -- Justin Richardson
18394 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18396 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18399 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18400 "That definition's just."
18401 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18402 Remembering his pounded head:
18403 "Force is not might but must!"
18406 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18407 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18409 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18412 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18413 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18415 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18418 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18419 their destitution of conscience.
18421 Forgive and forget.
18425 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18428 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18429 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18432 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18435 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18437 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18441 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18442 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18444 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18446 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18447 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18450 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18453 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18456 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18457 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18458 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18459 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18461 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18462 probably for at least the next decade.
18465 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18467 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18468 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18469 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18470 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18471 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18472 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18473 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18474 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18475 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18478 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18481 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18483 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18484 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18485 my dissertation to rhyme.
18487 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18490 A: No, He's a mythter.
18492 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18494 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18496 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18499 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18500 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18501 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18504 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18505 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18506 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18507 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18511 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18512 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18515 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18518 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18519 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18521 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18522 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18523 she will get on with her life.
18524 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18525 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18526 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18527 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18528 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18529 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18530 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18531 these classes rarely prove effective.
18533 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18536 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18537 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18538 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18541 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18542 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18543 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18544 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18545 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18546 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18547 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18548 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18550 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18553 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18554 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18555 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18556 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18559 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18560 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18561 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18562 fixed without special tools".
18563 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18564 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18565 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18568 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18571 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18572 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18575 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18576 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18577 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18578 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18579 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18580 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18581 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18583 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18586 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18587 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18588 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18589 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18590 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18591 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18592 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18593 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18597 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18598 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18599 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18600 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18601 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18602 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18603 price their policies accordingly.
18604 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18605 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18608 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18611 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18612 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18613 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18614 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18617 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18618 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18619 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18620 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18621 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18622 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18624 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18627 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18628 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18629 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18630 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18633 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18634 looking, men kick cats.
18637 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18638 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18639 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18640 aware of some short people living in the house.
18642 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18645 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18646 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18647 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18648 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18649 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18650 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18653 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18654 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18655 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18656 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18659 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18660 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18661 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18663 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18666 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18667 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18668 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18669 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18670 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18671 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
18673 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18676 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18677 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18678 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18679 Boardwalk property.
18681 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18683 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18685 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18686 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18687 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18688 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18689 With Julie Christie.
18691 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18693 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18694 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18695 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18698 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18701 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18702 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18703 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18704 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18705 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18707 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18709 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18710 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18711 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18712 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18713 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18714 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18715 a glowing performance.
18717 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18719 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18720 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18721 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18722 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18724 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18726 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18727 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18728 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18729 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18730 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18733 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18735 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18736 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18737 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18738 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18740 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18741 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18742 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18743 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18744 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18746 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18748 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18750 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18751 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18752 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18754 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18756 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18757 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18758 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18759 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18760 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18761 as that in support of an affirmative.
18762 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18764 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18766 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18767 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18768 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18771 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18773 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18774 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18775 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18776 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18777 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18778 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18779 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18781 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18783 skilled oral communicator:
18784 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18785 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18787 skilled written communicator:
18788 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18789 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18792 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18793 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18794 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18796 key company figure:
18797 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18799 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18802 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18803 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18805 an excellent sounding board:
18806 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18807 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18809 a planner and organizer:
18810 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18811 animal tags on his clothing.
18813 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18815 has management potential:
18816 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18817 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18821 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18825 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18829 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18832 Fortune favors the lucky.
18834 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18836 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18838 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18840 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18841 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18842 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18844 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18846 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18847 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18848 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18850 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18852 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18855 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18857 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18860 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18862 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18864 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18866 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18867 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18869 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18871 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18873 fortune: No such file or directory
18878 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18880 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18881 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18882 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18883 renkontas. I've met.
18884 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18885 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18886 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18887 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18890 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18892 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18893 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18894 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18895 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18896 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18897 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18900 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18902 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18904 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18905 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18906 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18907 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18908 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18910 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18912 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18913 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18914 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18915 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18917 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18919 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18920 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18922 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18924 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18925 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18927 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18929 A: To be or not to be.
18930 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18932 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18934 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18935 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18937 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18939 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18940 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18942 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18944 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18945 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18947 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18949 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18950 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18952 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18954 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18955 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18957 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18959 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18960 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18962 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18966 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18967 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18968 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18969 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18971 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18972 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18973 make "heads or tails of all this"
18976 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18977 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18979 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18980 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18982 Oh, and have a nice day!
18983 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18985 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18987 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18988 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18991 Fortune's current rates:
18995 Answers requiring thought .50
18996 Correct answers $1.00
18998 Dumb looks are still free.
19000 Fortune's diet truths:
19001 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19002 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19003 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19004 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19005 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19006 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19007 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19008 appealing as tepid beer.
19009 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19010 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19011 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19013 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19014 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19015 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19016 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19019 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19021 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19022 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19023 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19024 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19025 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19026 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19027 you twitter around in your chair.
19028 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
19029 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19030 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19031 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19032 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19033 followed by one throw-up.
19034 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19036 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19039 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19040 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19041 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19042 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19043 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19045 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19046 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19047 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19048 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19049 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19050 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19051 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19052 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19053 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19054 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19055 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19056 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19057 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19058 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19059 poothtick comes out crean.
19061 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19062 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19064 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19065 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19066 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19067 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19068 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19069 rather then a spotted one.
19070 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19071 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19072 legume-part of the pea family.
19073 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19075 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19076 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19077 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19079 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19080 Can you name the seven seas?
19081 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19082 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19083 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19084 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19086 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19087 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19089 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19091 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19092 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19093 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19095 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19096 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19097 at least once a year.
19099 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19101 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19102 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19104 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19105 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19106 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19107 ability in that particular field."
19109 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19111 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19112 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19114 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19115 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19117 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19118 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19119 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19120 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19122 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19124 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19125 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19127 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19129 Don't Write On Walls!
19133 You want I should type?
19135 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19138 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19139 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19141 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19143 if reality disappears?
19144 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19145 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19147 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19148 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19149 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19150 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19151 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19152 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19153 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19154 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19156 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19158 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19159 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19160 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19161 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19163 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19164 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19165 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19166 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19169 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19170 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19171 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19172 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19173 charges may have been reversed.
19175 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19177 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19178 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19179 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19180 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19181 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19182 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19183 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19185 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19186 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19187 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19188 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19189 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19190 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19191 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19193 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19195 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19197 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19198 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19199 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19200 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19201 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19202 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19203 single poem ever written."
19205 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19206 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19207 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19208 bungling and greed of President
19211 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19212 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19214 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19215 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19216 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19217 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19218 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19219 apply to female horses.
19221 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19222 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19223 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19224 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19225 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19227 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19228 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19229 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19230 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19231 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19232 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19234 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19235 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19237 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19239 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19241 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19243 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19244 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19245 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19246 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19248 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19250 Q: Are you married?
19251 A: No, I'm divorced.
19252 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19253 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19255 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19257 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19258 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19260 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19262 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19263 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19266 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19268 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19269 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19270 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19272 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19274 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19276 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19278 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19279 A: Picking them up in the air.
19280 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19281 A: Attached to the ears.
19283 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19285 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19286 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19287 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19288 him to the station?
19289 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19291 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19293 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19295 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19297 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19299 Q: What is your name?
19300 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19301 Q: And what is your marital status?
19304 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19306 Q: What happened then?
19307 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19309 Q: Did he kill you?
19312 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19314 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19315 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19316 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19317 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19318 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19319 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19320 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19321 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19322 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19323 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19324 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19326 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19327 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19328 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19330 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19332 Never goose a wolverine.
19334 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19336 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19338 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19340 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19341 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19343 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19344 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19346 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19347 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19349 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19350 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19351 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19353 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19354 tombstones, women and competitors.
19355 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19357 Four hours to bury the cat?
19358 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19360 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19361 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19362 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19363 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19365 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19366 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19367 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19370 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19371 study for that instructor's course.
19373 Fourth Law of Revision:
19374 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19375 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19378 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19379 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19382 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19385 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19388 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19389 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19391 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19392 -- A Yippie Proverb
19394 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19396 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19398 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19400 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19404 Did you know that successive security officers take
19405 control by beheading their predecessor?
19408 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19410 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19412 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19415 Freedom is slavery.
19416 Ignorance is strength.
19420 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19422 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19423 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19425 Fremen add life to spice!
19427 Fresco's Discovery:
19428 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19430 Friction is a drag.
19433 Increased automation of clerical function
19434 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19436 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19440 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19442 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19444 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19445 Let me clue you in;
19446 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19447 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19448 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19449 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19450 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19451 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19452 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19453 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19454 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19456 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19460 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19461 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19465 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19466 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19467 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19468 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19469 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19470 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19471 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19472 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19473 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19474 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19476 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19477 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19478 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19479 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19480 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19481 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19482 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19483 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19485 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19486 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19488 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19489 That is the point that must be reached.
19492 From a Tru64 patch description:
19494 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19496 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19497 Association, in Rome]:
19499 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19500 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19501 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19502 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19503 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19504 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19505 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19506 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19507 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19509 From Italian tourist guide:
19511 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19512 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19514 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19516 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19519 From the crystal swirling waters,
19521 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19522 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19523 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19524 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19525 Your butt is on the menu
19526 And the check is in the mail.
19527 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19529 From the "Guinness Book of World Records", 1973:
19531 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19532 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19533 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19534 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19535 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19536 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19537 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19538 being nuts (unground)."
19540 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19541 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19542 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19544 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19547 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19548 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19549 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19550 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19551 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19552 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19553 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19555 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19556 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19557 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19559 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19561 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19562 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19563 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19564 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19565 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19566 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19567 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19569 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19571 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19572 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19573 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19574 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19575 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19577 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19578 systems program at JPL
19580 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19581 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19582 experience in sound:
19584 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19585 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19587 From too much love of living,
19588 From hope and fear set free,
19589 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19590 Whatever gods may be,
19591 That no life lives forever,
19592 That dead men rise up never,
19593 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19596 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
19597 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
19599 "Yes. They have more money."
19602 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19605 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19606 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19609 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19610 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19611 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19614 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19615 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19618 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19619 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19620 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19625 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19628 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19629 even when you are the only person in line.
19630 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19632 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19635 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19636 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19638 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19640 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19641 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
19643 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19644 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19645 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19646 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19647 that's your chance, my boy."
19649 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19652 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19653 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19654 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19656 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19659 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19660 stockings and desolating the country.
19661 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19663 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19664 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19665 -- Adventures of Asterix
19667 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19669 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19670 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19671 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19673 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19674 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19675 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19676 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19677 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19678 individuals and then grow ...
19679 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19680 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19681 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19682 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19683 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19684 think not, my friend, I think not.
19685 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19687 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19688 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19689 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19690 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19691 in it today, either.
19693 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19694 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
19695 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
19696 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
19699 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19700 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19701 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19702 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19703 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19706 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19707 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19709 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19712 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19713 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19714 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19716 General notions are generally wrong.
19717 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19719 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19720 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19722 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19726 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19728 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19729 and if you don't, why you should.
19732 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19733 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19734 all the right things to all the right people.
19736 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19739 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19740 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19745 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19747 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19749 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19753 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19757 Why he stays in the bottle.
19760 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19761 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19762 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19763 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19764 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19765 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19766 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19767 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19768 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19769 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19770 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19771 confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19772 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19773 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19774 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19775 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19776 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19777 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19778 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19779 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19780 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19781 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19782 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19783 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19786 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19787 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19788 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19791 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19794 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19795 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19796 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19798 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19799 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19800 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19802 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19803 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19805 George Orwell was an optimist.
19807 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19808 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19811 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19812 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19813 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19814 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19815 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19816 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19817 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19818 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19819 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19820 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19821 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19822 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19823 gonna get on Labor Day."
19825 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19826 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19827 "And he didn't understand me."
19829 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19830 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19831 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19832 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19833 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19834 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19836 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19838 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19841 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19843 Getting into trouble is easy.
19844 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19846 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19847 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19848 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19849 of the American Bar Association
19851 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19854 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19856 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19858 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19860 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19861 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19862 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19863 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19865 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19866 See them flying through the air (...)
19867 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19868 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19870 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19871 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19872 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19873 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19875 Gilbert's Discovery:
19876 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19877 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19879 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19880 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19881 the last whose realm was fair and free
19882 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19884 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19885 his shining helm afar was seen;
19886 the countless stars of heaven's field
19887 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19889 But long ago he rode away,
19890 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19891 for into darkness fell his star
19892 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19896 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19898 2. You can't break even.
19899 3. You can't even quit the game.
19901 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19903 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19904 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19907 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19908 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19909 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19912 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19913 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19915 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19917 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19918 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19920 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19921 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19924 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19925 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19927 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19929 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19930 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19932 Give him an evasive answer.
19934 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19935 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19937 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19938 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19940 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19942 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19945 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19948 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19950 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19951 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19952 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19953 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19956 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19957 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19958 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19959 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19960 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19961 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19963 Give thought to your reputation.
19964 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19968 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19970 Give your very best today.
19971 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19973 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19974 -- William Faulkner
19976 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19977 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19980 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19982 Given sufficient time, what you put
19983 off doing today will get done by itself.
19985 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19986 rather lie around. No contest.
19989 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19990 car keys to teenage boys.
19993 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19994 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19995 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19996 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19999 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20000 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20002 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20003 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20004 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20005 some useful work done.
20007 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20009 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20010 fifth of dry red wine
20012 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20016 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20017 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20019 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20020 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20021 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20022 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20023 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20024 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20025 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20026 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20027 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20031 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20033 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20035 Go ahead, make my day.
20036 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
20038 Go away, I'm all right.
20039 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20041 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20042 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20046 Go climb a gravity well.
20048 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20050 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20051 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20053 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20054 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20056 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20057 be in owning a piece thereof.
20058 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20060 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20061 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20064 Go to a movie tonight.
20065 Darkness becomes you.
20067 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20071 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20072 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20073 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20076 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20077 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20078 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20079 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20082 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20084 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20088 Darwin's chief rival.
20090 God created a few perfect heads.
20091 The rest he covered with hair.
20094 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20095 but many other things ceased as well.
20096 Woman was God's second mistake.
20099 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20100 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20102 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20103 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20106 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
20108 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20109 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20110 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20111 would he lie about a thing like that?
20112 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20114 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20116 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20117 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20119 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20120 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20121 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20122 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20123 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20124 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20125 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20126 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20128 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20129 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20130 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20132 God help those who do not help themselves.
20135 God helps them that helps themselves.
20138 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20140 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20141 but by pains and contradictions.
20144 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20146 God is a polytheist.
20155 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20158 God is love, but get it in writing.
20161 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20162 much less ambitious project.
20164 God is real, unless declared integer.
20166 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20167 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20171 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20174 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20176 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20179 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20181 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20184 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20186 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20189 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20191 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20193 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20194 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20195 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20196 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20197 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20198 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20201 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20202 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20203 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20204 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20205 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20206 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20209 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20210 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20211 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20212 Won't ruin your whole day.
20213 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20215 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20217 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20218 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20221 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20223 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20225 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20229 God votes Republican.
20231 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20235 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20236 somebody moves the ends.
20238 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20240 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20241 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20244 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20245 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20246 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20247 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20248 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20250 Goldenstern's Rules:
20251 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20252 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20254 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20255 eating before he bursts.
20258 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20261 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20262 (2) Time accelerates.
20263 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20265 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20266 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20268 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20270 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20273 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20275 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20276 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20278 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20280 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20283 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20285 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20287 Good advice is something a man gives
20288 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20289 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20291 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20293 Good day for business affairs.
20294 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20296 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20298 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20300 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20302 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20303 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20305 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20307 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20308 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20309 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20310 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20312 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20314 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20315 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20316 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20317 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20318 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20320 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20322 Good judgment comes from experience.
20323 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20326 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20328 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20329 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20330 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20332 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20334 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20336 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20338 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20340 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20342 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20345 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20348 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20351 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20352 -- George Saunders' dying words
20354 Goodbye, cool world.
20356 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20357 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20358 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20359 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20360 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20361 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20362 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20363 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20365 Gordon's first law:
20366 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20370 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20372 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20373 time travel, you never can tell."
20374 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20377 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20380 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20382 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20383 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20387 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20389 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20390 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20391 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20392 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20394 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20395 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20396 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20397 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20399 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20400 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20401 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20402 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20404 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20405 Everybody wants to have a home.
20406 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20407 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20408 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20411 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20414 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20415 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20419 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20420 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20421 leaving the best part.
20423 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20426 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20427 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20429 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20432 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20433 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20435 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20438 There is an exception to all laws.
20440 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20441 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20443 -- Princess Leia Organa
20446 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20448 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20450 Graduate students and most professors are
20451 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20453 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20455 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20456 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20457 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20459 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20460 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20462 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20464 Graphics blind the eyes.
20465 Audio files deafen the ear.
20466 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20467 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20468 Options wither the heart.
20470 The Guru observes the net
20471 but trusts his inner vision.
20472 He allows things to come and go.
20473 His heart is as open as the ether.
20476 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20478 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20482 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20484 Gravity brings me down.
20486 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20488 Gray's Law of Programming:
20489 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20490 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20492 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20493 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20495 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20498 Great American Axiom:
20499 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20501 Great minds run in great circles.
20503 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20505 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20506 place of residence.
20508 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20510 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20512 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20514 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20516 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20519 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20520 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20523 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20525 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20526 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20529 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20531 Green's Law of Debate:
20532 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20534 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20535 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20536 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20537 of half of Common Lisp.
20540 Eighty percent of all people consider
20541 themselves to be above average drivers.
20543 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20545 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20546 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20550 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20552 Grig (the navigator):
20553 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20557 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20559 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20560 Grig: That's the spirit!
20561 -- The Last Starfighter
20563 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20564 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20566 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20567 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20570 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20571 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20572 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20573 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20574 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20575 maybe, but not in the House."
20577 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20578 -- Maurice Chevalier
20580 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20581 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20582 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
20583 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
20584 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
20585 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
20586 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
20587 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
20588 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
20589 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
20590 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
20591 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
20592 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20595 Grub first, then ethics.
20599 A French chopping center.
20602 The probability of a given event
20603 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20605 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20607 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20608 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20609 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20610 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20611 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20614 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20615 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20616 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20619 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20620 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20621 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20624 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20627 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20628 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20629 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20630 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20631 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20632 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20633 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20634 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20636 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20637 Slice him up before he slays you.
20638 Nothing makes you look a slob
20639 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20640 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20642 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20643 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20644 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20646 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20647 Those who can -- do.
20648 Those who can't -- teach.
20650 Martin's Extension:
20651 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20653 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20656 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20657 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20658 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
20659 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20660 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20661 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20662 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20664 Hacker's Fight Song
20666 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20667 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20668 Never bungles, never shirks,
20669 Always gets his stuff to work!
20671 All take a drink (important!)
20673 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20675 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20676 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20677 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20678 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20679 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20680 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20681 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20682 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20683 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20684 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20685 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20686 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20687 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20689 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20690 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20691 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20692 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20693 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20694 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20695 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20698 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20699 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20701 Hackers of the world, unite!
20703 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20704 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20708 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20710 Had he and I but met
20711 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20712 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20713 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20714 And killed him in his place.
20715 I shot him dead because --
20716 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20717 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20718 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20719 No other reason why.
20720 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20721 You shoot a fellow down
20722 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20723 Or help to half-a-crown.
20726 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20727 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20728 -- Alfonso the Wise
20730 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20731 referring to operating system initialization.]
20733 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20734 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20736 Hail to the sun god
20737 He's such a fun god
20740 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20742 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20743 a big enough majority in any town?
20744 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20746 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20747 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20748 one of the following:
20749 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20752 (d) The letter you are answering.
20754 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20755 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20756 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20757 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20759 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
20761 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20763 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20764 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20767 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20768 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20769 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20770 difference between life and death.
20772 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20773 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20774 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20775 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20776 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20777 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20778 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20781 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20783 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20784 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20785 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20787 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20788 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20789 their own districts).
20792 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20793 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20794 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20797 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20799 handshaking protocol, n:
20800 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20801 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20802 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20804 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20808 The wrath of grapes.
20811 Never attribute to malice
20812 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20814 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20815 There are never enough hours in a day,
20816 but always too many days before Saturday.
20818 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20820 Happiness is a hard disk.
20822 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20824 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20827 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20830 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20832 Happiness is the greatest good.
20834 Happiness is twin floppies.
20836 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20838 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20841 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20844 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20849 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20851 Happy feast of the pig!
20853 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20856 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20859 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20862 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20864 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20865 -- Charlie McCarthy
20868 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20870 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20871 The Duke is fond of kittens
20872 He likes to take their insides out
20873 And use them for his mittens
20874 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
20876 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20877 Advertising wondrous things.
20880 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20881 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20884 Harp not on that string.
20885 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20887 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20888 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20889 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20891 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20892 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20893 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20895 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20896 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20897 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20898 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20899 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20900 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20901 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20902 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20903 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20904 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20906 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20907 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20908 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20909 hadn't been carving that pie."
20910 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20912 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20913 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20916 Harrison's Postulate:
20917 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20920 All the good ones are taken.
20922 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20923 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20924 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20925 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20926 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20927 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20928 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20929 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20930 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20931 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20932 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20933 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20934 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20935 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20936 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20939 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20940 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20941 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20942 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20943 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20944 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20945 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20946 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20947 just like Richard Nixon."
20948 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20950 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20951 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20952 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20953 with all that pep and vitality.
20955 Hartley's First Law:
20956 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20957 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20959 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
20960 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20963 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20966 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20967 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20968 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20972 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20973 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20974 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20975 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20977 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20978 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20979 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20980 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20981 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20985 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20986 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20987 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20988 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20989 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20991 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20993 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20995 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20996 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20997 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20998 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20999 but a lot harder than it appears.
21001 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21002 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21003 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21004 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
21005 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21006 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21012 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21014 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21015 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21017 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21018 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21020 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21023 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21024 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21028 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21030 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21032 Have a coke and a smile!
21037 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21039 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21040 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21046 Have an adequate day.
21050 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21053 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21054 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21055 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21057 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21058 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21059 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21061 Long live the revolution!
21064 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21065 seriously, for they will shape you.
21068 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21069 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21070 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21071 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21072 two-day-old cookbook?
21073 -- Richard Brautigan
21075 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21077 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21078 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21079 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21080 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21082 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21084 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21085 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21086 never find the time for play?
21088 Have you flogged your kid today?
21090 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21092 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21093 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21095 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21096 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21099 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21101 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21102 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21104 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21105 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21106 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21107 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21109 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21110 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21111 Let me take you by the hand
21112 Lead you through the streets of London
21113 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21115 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21116 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21117 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21118 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21120 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21121 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21122 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21123 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21124 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21125 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21127 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21128 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21129 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21130 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21131 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21133 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21134 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21135 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21136 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21137 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21138 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21140 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21141 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21142 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21143 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21144 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21145 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21146 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21148 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21150 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21153 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21156 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21157 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21159 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21162 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21163 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21164 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21165 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21168 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21169 It's not easy to play the clown
21170 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21172 He: Do you like Kipling?
21173 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21175 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21176 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21179 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21180 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21183 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21186 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21187 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21189 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21191 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21192 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21193 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21195 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21196 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21198 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21199 finer than the staple of his argument.
21200 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21202 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21204 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21206 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21207 perfectly delightful.
21210 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21211 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21212 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21213 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21215 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21218 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21219 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21222 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21225 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21226 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21228 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21229 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21230 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21231 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21233 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21236 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21237 who can say nothing in the most words.
21239 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21241 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21244 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21247 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21250 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21252 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21253 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21255 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21257 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21258 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21260 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21261 -- Sir Richard Burton
21263 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21264 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21266 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21269 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21272 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21273 had fallen to the ground.
21274 -- The Book of Serenity
21276 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21278 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21279 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21280 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21281 I must translate it otherwise.
21282 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21283 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21284 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21285 Lest you should write too hastily.
21286 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21287 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21288 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21289 That my translation must be changed again.
21290 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21291 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21294 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21295 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21297 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21298 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21300 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21301 -- John Stark, movie review
21303 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21304 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21306 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21307 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21308 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21310 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21311 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21313 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21314 -- Scottish proverb
21316 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21319 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21320 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21322 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21323 -- Benjamin Franklin
21325 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21327 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21328 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21330 He thought he saw an albatross
21331 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21332 He looked again and saw it was
21333 A penny postage stamp.
21334 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21335 "The nights are rather damp."
21337 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21338 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21339 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21340 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21341 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21342 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21344 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21348 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21350 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21351 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21352 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21353 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21354 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21357 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21360 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21363 He was part of my dream, of course --
21364 but then I was part of his dream too.
21367 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21369 He was the sort of person whose personality
21370 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21372 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21374 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21375 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21376 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21378 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21379 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21381 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21382 the human condition is a fool.
21385 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21386 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21388 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21391 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21394 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21396 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21398 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21400 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21402 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21404 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21405 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21406 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21408 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21410 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21413 He who hesitates is last.
21415 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21417 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21419 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21420 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21422 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21424 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21426 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21428 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21429 encounter many rivals.
21430 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21432 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21433 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21434 senses until the day of judgment.
21437 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21439 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21442 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21443 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21444 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21446 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21447 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21448 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21449 he knows something. Or something like that.
21451 He who knows others is wise.
21452 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21455 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21458 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21461 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21463 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21465 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21467 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21469 He who laughs, lasts.
21471 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21473 He who loses, wins the race,
21474 And parallel lines meet in space.
21475 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21477 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21480 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21482 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21483 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21484 -- Sir Richard Burton
21486 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21489 He who slings mud loses ground.
21492 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21494 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21496 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21499 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21502 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21503 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21504 education and culture.
21505 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21507 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21510 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21512 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21513 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21517 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21518 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21521 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21522 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21525 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21526 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21527 up a chopped libber?
21530 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
21531 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21534 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21535 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21539 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21540 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
21541 typewriter's ribbon?
21544 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
21545 One fortunate cookie...
21547 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
21548 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
21549 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
21551 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
21552 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
21554 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
21555 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
21557 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
21558 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
21559 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
21560 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
21563 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
21564 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
21565 while you expound your own.
21566 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21568 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
21569 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
21572 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
21574 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
21576 Heisenberg may have been here.
21578 Heisenberg may have slept here.
21580 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
21583 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
21584 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
21585 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
21587 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
21588 how are they supposed to know you care?
21590 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21591 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21594 Truth seen too late.
21597 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21599 Johnson's Corollary:
21600 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21603 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21604 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21605 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21607 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21608 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21609 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21610 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21611 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21612 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21614 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21615 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21616 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21619 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21621 Hell's broken loose.
21624 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21626 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21628 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21631 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21633 Help fight continental drift.
21635 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune/!
21637 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21639 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21641 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21643 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21644 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21645 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21646 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21647 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21648 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21651 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21652 Her loving husband's life to save;
21653 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21654 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21656 But to our modern married fair,
21657 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21658 No stellar recognition's given.
21659 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21661 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21662 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21664 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21666 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21667 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21668 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21669 thousand times before
21670 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21671 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21673 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21677 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21678 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21679 First net.this and net.that,
21680 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21682 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21683 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21684 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21685 For someone trapped in net.news?
21687 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21688 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21690 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21691 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21692 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21693 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21695 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21696 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21697 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21698 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21700 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21701 At whose beckoning history shook.
21702 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21703 So I stay at home with a book.
21706 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21707 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21708 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21709 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21710 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21711 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21712 important electrical lesson.
21714 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21715 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21716 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21717 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21718 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21719 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21720 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21722 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21723 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21724 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21726 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21728 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21729 if you're alive, it isn't.
21731 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21732 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21733 marketing anxiety in China.
21735 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21736 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21738 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21740 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21741 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21742 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21743 satiric vistas do not open up.
21744 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21746 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21747 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21750 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21752 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21753 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21754 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21756 Here there by tygers.
21758 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21759 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21760 around as if you're going to fall.
21761 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
21763 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21764 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21768 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21770 He's been like a father to me,
21771 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21772 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21773 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21778 He's got the heart of a little child,
21779 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21781 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21783 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21785 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21786 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21789 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21790 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21792 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21794 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21795 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21797 Hewett's Observation:
21798 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21799 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21800 peers similarly engaged.
21802 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21803 To get a little more stack;
21804 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21805 And have to pop all the way back.
21807 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21808 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21810 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21811 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21812 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21813 these words were spoken.
21815 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21816 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21819 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21820 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21822 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21823 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21824 leave your name and message after the beep...
21826 Hi! How are things going?
21827 (just fine, thank you...)
21828 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21829 (you just asked one...)
21830 Well, how about one more?
21831 (one more than the first one?)
21833 (you already asked that...)
21834 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21835 May I ask two questions, sir?
21837 May I ask ONE then?
21839 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21841 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21842 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21843 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21844 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21846 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21847 (go right ahead...)
21849 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21850 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21851 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21852 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21853 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21854 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21855 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21856 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21858 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21859 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21860 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21862 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21863 You wanna help on the audit now?
21865 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21866 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21867 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21869 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21870 The mice ran up the clock,
21871 The clock struck one,
21872 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21874 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21878 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21880 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21881 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21882 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21883 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21884 We buried him today because
21885 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21886 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21887 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21888 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21893 Ruffled the critics by
21894 Dropping this bomb:
21895 "Phooey on Freud and his
21897 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
21900 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21901 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21903 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21905 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21906 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21908 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21909 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21910 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21911 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21912 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21913 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21914 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21915 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21916 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21917 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21918 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21919 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21920 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21921 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21922 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21924 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21927 A California innovation composed
21928 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21930 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21932 Hildebrant's Principle:
21933 If you don't know where you are going,
21934 any road will get you there.
21936 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21937 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21938 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21939 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21942 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21945 Hindsight is an exact science.
21948 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21949 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21950 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21951 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21952 of zoology is full of surprises.
21953 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21955 Hire the morally handicapped.
21957 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21958 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21959 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21961 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21964 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21965 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21967 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21968 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21969 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21970 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21971 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21972 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21973 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21974 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21975 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21976 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21977 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21978 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21979 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21981 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21982 money, he went to Southern California.
21984 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21986 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21989 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21991 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21994 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21996 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21997 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21998 continues to this day.
22001 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22003 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22004 of the Mexican revolution:
22006 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22007 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22008 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22009 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22010 army where he was then executed."
22012 History is curious stuff
22013 You'd think by now we had enough
22014 Yet the fact remains I fear
22015 They make more of it every year.
22017 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22018 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22021 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22023 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22024 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22026 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22028 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22029 time as bedroom farce.
22031 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22033 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22034 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22035 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22036 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22037 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22038 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22040 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22041 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22042 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22043 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22044 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22046 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22047 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22048 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22049 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22050 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22052 And let me halfway fall in love,
22053 For part of a lonely night,
22054 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22055 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22056 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22057 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22060 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22061 The stapler runs out of staples
22062 only while you are trying to staple something.
22064 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22065 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22066 used against the coloured.
22067 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22070 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22071 they will find an easier way to do it.
22073 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22074 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22076 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22077 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22078 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22079 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22080 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22081 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22082 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22083 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22084 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22085 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22086 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22087 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22089 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22090 Inside every large problem is a small
22091 problem struggling to get out.
22093 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22095 Hoffer's Discovery:
22096 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22097 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22100 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22101 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22103 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22104 Take a shot every time:
22106 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22107 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22108 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22109 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22110 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22111 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22112 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22113 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22114 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22115 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22116 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22117 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22118 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22119 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22120 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22121 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22122 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22123 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22124 plan is impossible.
22125 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22128 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22130 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22133 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22134 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22136 Tune in again tomorrow:
22137 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22141 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22142 they have to take you in.
22143 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22145 Home is where the hurt is.
22147 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22148 cage is to a cockatoo.
22149 -- George Bernard Shaw
22151 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22152 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22155 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22157 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22160 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22163 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22165 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22168 Honesty's the best policy.
22169 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22172 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22175 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22177 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22179 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22182 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22183 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
22184 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22185 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22187 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22190 Hope is a waking dream.
22193 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22196 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22198 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22201 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22202 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22205 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22206 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22208 Horngren's Observation:
22209 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22211 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22214 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22217 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22219 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22221 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22222 had towels from my house.
22225 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22228 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22229 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22231 Housework can kill you if done right.
22234 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22237 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22238 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22240 How can you be in two places at once
22241 when you're not anywhere at all?
22243 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22246 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22247 -- Charles de Gaulle
22249 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22252 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22253 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22254 in the waking state?
22257 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22260 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22262 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22264 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22265 claim they'll make you?
22267 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22269 How come we never talk anymore?
22271 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22273 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22274 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22277 How could they think women a recreation?
22278 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22279 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22280 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22281 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22282 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22283 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22284 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22285 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22286 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22287 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22288 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22289 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22290 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22291 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22293 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22294 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22295 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22296 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22297 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22298 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22299 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22300 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22301 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22302 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22303 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22304 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22305 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22306 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22307 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22308 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22310 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22312 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22315 How doth the little crocodile
22316 Improve his shining tail,
22317 And pour the waters of the Nile
22318 On every golden scale!
22320 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22321 How neatly spreads his claws,
22322 And welcomes little fishes in,
22323 With gently smiling jaws!
22324 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22326 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22327 Improve its object code.
22328 And even as we speak does it
22329 Increase the system load.
22331 How patiently it seems to run
22332 And spit out error flags,
22333 While users, with frustration, all
22334 Tear their clothes to rags.
22336 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22337 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22338 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22340 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22342 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22343 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22345 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22346 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22348 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22349 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22350 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22351 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22352 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22353 cheese!" and so on.
22354 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22356 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22358 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22359 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22361 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22363 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22365 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22367 How much does she love you?
22368 Less than you'll ever know.
22370 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22371 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22372 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22374 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22376 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22378 How often I found where I should be going
22379 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22380 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22382 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22384 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22387 How to become a sysop:
22388 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22389 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22390 worked a full day in my life since then.
22393 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22394 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22396 How untasteful can you get?
22398 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22400 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22401 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22403 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22404 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22406 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22408 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22411 How you look depends on where you go.
22414 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22416 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22417 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22420 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22421 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22422 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22423 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22424 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22425 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22426 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22427 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22428 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22429 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22430 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22431 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22432 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22433 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22434 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22435 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22436 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22437 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22438 in the name of "conservatism."
22439 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22441 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22442 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22443 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22444 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22445 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22446 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22447 -- Albuquerque Journal
22450 Don't take life too seriously;
22451 you won't get out of it alive.
22453 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22455 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22460 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22462 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22463 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22464 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22465 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22466 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22467 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22469 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22470 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22472 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22475 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22476 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22480 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22483 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22484 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22486 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22488 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22491 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22494 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22495 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22496 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22497 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22498 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22499 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22500 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22501 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22502 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22504 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22506 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22507 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22508 All the king's horses,
22509 And all the king's men,
22510 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22512 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22514 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22515 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22516 to... to... uh.....
22518 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22519 time, turns into people.
22523 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22524 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22526 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22527 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22529 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22531 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22533 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
22534 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
22536 -- Norman Augustine
22538 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
22539 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
22540 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
22541 terrifies people the most.
22544 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
22547 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
22550 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
22551 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
22553 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
22554 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
22555 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
22556 -- Richard M. Nixon
22558 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
22559 -- Richard M. Nixon
22561 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
22562 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
22563 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
22565 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
22568 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
22569 It is never any good to oneself.
22570 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
22572 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
22573 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
22575 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
22576 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
22577 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
22579 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
22582 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
22583 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
22584 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
22585 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
22586 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
22587 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
22588 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22589 And a cow. And a cow.
22591 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
22592 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
22593 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
22594 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
22595 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
22596 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
22597 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22598 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22599 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22601 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22602 person, you will not sell me another book.
22605 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22607 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22608 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22609 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22611 I am a deeply superficial person.
22614 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22618 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22619 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22621 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22622 computer to be running Win98.
22623 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22625 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22626 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22627 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22629 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22630 -- Winston Churchill
22632 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22633 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22634 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22635 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22637 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22639 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22640 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22641 is to suffer for others.
22644 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22645 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22646 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22647 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22649 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22650 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22652 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22653 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22654 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22657 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22658 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22659 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22660 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22661 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22662 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22664 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22665 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22667 I am looking for a honest man.
22668 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22670 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22677 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22680 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22681 -- William Allen White
22683 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22686 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22689 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22692 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22693 -- English Professor
22695 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22696 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22697 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22698 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22701 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22702 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22703 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22705 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22706 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22707 -- Winston Churchill
22709 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22710 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22711 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22713 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22714 with an option to buy.
22716 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22718 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22720 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22723 I am two with nature.
22726 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22727 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22730 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22731 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22732 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22733 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22734 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22736 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22737 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22738 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22739 they don't even invite me.
22742 I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
22743 thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
22744 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
22746 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22747 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22748 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22749 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22750 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22751 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22752 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22754 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22755 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22763 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22766 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22767 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22768 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22769 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22770 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22771 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22772 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22773 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22774 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22775 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22776 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22777 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22779 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22781 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22782 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22785 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22786 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22787 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22788 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22789 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22790 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22791 the people who might elect him.
22794 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22795 -- G. K. Chesterton
22797 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22800 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22801 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22802 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22804 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22805 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22806 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22809 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22812 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22815 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22816 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22817 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22819 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22820 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22821 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22822 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22823 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22825 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22826 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22827 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22829 I brake for chezlogs!
22831 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22832 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22833 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22834 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22835 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22836 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22837 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22838 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22839 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22840 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22841 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22842 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22843 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22844 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22845 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22848 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22851 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22852 They're still living in the fifties.
22855 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22857 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22858 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22859 -- Firesign Theatre
22861 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22863 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22864 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22865 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22869 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22870 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22872 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22875 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22876 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22879 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22881 I can relate to that.
22883 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22884 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22888 I can resist anything but temptation.
22890 I can see him a'comin'
22891 With his big boots on,
22892 With his big thumb out,
22893 He wants to get me.
22894 He wants to hurt me.
22895 He wants to bring me down.
22896 But some time later,
22897 When I feel a little straighter,
22898 I'll come across a stranger
22899 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22900 And then.... I'll run him over.
22901 Pretty smart on my part!
22902 To find my way... In the dark!
22905 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22906 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22909 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22912 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22913 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22915 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22916 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22917 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22919 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22920 If it be man's work I will do it.
22922 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22924 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22925 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22926 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22927 United States would have lost World War II."
22928 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22930 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22933 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22934 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22936 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22939 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22940 -- Florence Henderson
22942 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22945 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22946 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22947 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22948 Your Socks Outside-in
22949 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22950 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22951 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22952 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22953 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22954 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22956 I can't mate in captivity.
22957 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22959 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22960 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22963 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22964 -- Albert Anastasia
22966 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22967 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22968 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22969 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22972 I can't understand it.
22973 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22974 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22976 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22977 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22980 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22981 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22984 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22985 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22989 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22990 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22991 -- Michael Prichard
22993 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22994 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22997 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22998 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22999 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23001 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23002 dance with the cows till you come home.
23005 I could never learn to like her --
23006 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23009 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23011 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
23012 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
23015 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23017 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23018 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23021 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23024 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23025 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23028 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23030 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
23032 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23033 The curtain was up.
23035 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23036 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23038 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23039 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23040 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23041 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23042 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23044 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23045 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23046 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23048 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23049 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23051 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23053 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23054 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23055 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23056 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23057 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23058 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23060 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23062 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23063 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23064 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23067 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23068 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23069 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23070 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23071 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23072 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23073 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23074 Cardinals backed down and played.
23076 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23079 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23080 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23083 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23084 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23086 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23087 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23088 comes nearest to it of any.
23089 -- Henry David Thoreau
23091 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23092 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23095 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23096 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23097 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23098 devote it to research in mathematics.
23099 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23101 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23102 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23106 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23109 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23110 don't believe in astrology.
23111 -- James R. F. Quirk
23113 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23114 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23117 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23118 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23119 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23121 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23122 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23123 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23124 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23126 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23127 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23129 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23132 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23136 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23137 deserve that either.
23140 I don't do it for the money.
23141 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23143 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23146 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23147 -- Katherine Cebrian
23149 I don't get no respect.
23151 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23152 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23154 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23155 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23157 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23158 highly trained certified public accountants.
23161 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23162 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23163 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23165 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23166 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23169 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23172 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23173 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23176 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23177 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23180 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23181 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23183 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23185 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23186 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23189 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23191 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23192 with Dutch Schultz.
23194 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23195 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23196 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23199 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23202 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23203 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23206 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23209 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23210 streets and frighten the horses.
23213 I don't need no arms around me...
23214 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23215 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23216 Don't think I need anything at all.
23217 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23218 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23219 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23220 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23222 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23224 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23226 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23227 he starts to practice law.
23228 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23231 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23232 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23233 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23235 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23237 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23238 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23239 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23241 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23242 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23244 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23245 you human beings don't."
23248 I don't understand you anymore.
23250 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23251 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23253 I don't want a pickle,
23254 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23255 And I don't want to die,
23256 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23259 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23262 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23263 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23266 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23267 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23268 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23269 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23270 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23271 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23272 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23275 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23277 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23280 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23282 I dote on his very absence.
23283 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23285 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23287 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23288 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23289 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23290 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23291 -- George Bernard Shaw
23293 I drink to make other people interesting.
23294 -- George Jean Nathan
23296 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23298 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23300 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23302 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23304 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23306 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23307 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23308 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23310 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23311 honest difference of opinion.
23314 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23315 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23318 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23319 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23322 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23324 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23327 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23328 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23331 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23332 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23333 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23334 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23336 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23337 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23338 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23339 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23341 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23342 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23343 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23344 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23346 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
\bh_
\bo_
\br_
\br_
\bi_
\bf_
\by_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg* 20
23347 minutes of my life!
23349 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23352 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23355 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23356 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23357 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23358 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23360 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23361 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23362 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23363 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23366 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23367 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23369 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23372 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23375 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23376 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23377 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23380 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23384 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23387 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23388 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23389 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23390 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23391 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23392 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23393 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23396 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23399 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23400 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23402 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23403 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23404 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23405 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23407 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23409 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23410 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23411 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23412 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23414 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23415 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23416 win -- or even how you won.
23419 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23420 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23423 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23424 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23425 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23426 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23428 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23431 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23432 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23433 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23435 I had a dream last night...
23436 I dreamt about 1976.
23437 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23438 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23439 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23440 so I went back to sleep again.
23441 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23443 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23444 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23445 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23446 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23447 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23448 dinner and I let it go.
23449 -- Winston Churchill
23451 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23452 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23456 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23457 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23458 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23460 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23461 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23465 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23466 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23467 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23468 power to make things different is a bitch.
23471 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23472 so I took his shoes.
23475 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23476 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23479 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23480 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
23483 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23485 I hate babies. They're so human.
23491 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23492 it's going to be up all night.
23495 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23496 and I know how bad I am.
23500 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23502 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23503 there's nothing else to do.
23506 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23507 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23510 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23511 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23512 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23513 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23514 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23515 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23516 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23517 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23518 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23521 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23522 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23523 and just keeps on typing.
23526 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23527 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
23528 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
23529 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23531 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
23532 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
23533 I just... to make a long story short..."
23536 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
23537 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
23539 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
23540 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
23544 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
23545 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
23546 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
23547 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
23549 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
23550 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
23551 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
23552 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
23553 -- Robert L. Stevenson
23555 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
23556 I spent last summer folding it.
23557 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
23560 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
23563 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
23564 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
23565 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
23568 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
23570 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
23571 but I can't prove it.
23573 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
23576 I have a very strange feeling about this...
23579 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
23580 sacrifice my wife's brother.
23583 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
23584 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
23585 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
23587 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
23590 I have become me without my consent.
23592 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
23593 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
23594 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
23596 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23598 -- George Bernard Shaw
23600 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23601 to sit still in a room.
23604 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23605 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23606 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23608 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23609 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23610 support of the woman I love.
23611 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
23612 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23613 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
23615 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23616 most of them are trash.
23619 I have gained this by philosophy:
23620 that I do without being commanded what others
23621 do only from fear of the law.
23624 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23627 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23628 of a prostate operation.
23629 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23631 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23634 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23635 I do believe that is a record.
23636 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23638 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23639 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23640 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23641 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23642 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23643 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23644 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23647 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23648 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23652 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23653 Which still grates on
23654 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23657 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23658 None of them is worth anything.
23659 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23660 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23661 The price of half a gallon
23663 And most of the bus fare home.
23665 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23666 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23667 -- James Gordon Bennett
23669 I have made this letter longer than usual
23670 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23673 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23675 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23677 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23679 I have never been one to sacrifice
23680 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23681 -- A. M. Readyhough
23683 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23686 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23689 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23690 gone in two years. He was half right.
23691 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23693 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23696 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23697 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23701 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23702 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23705 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23706 As seas of ink I spatter.
23707 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23708 The other kind don't matter.
23709 -- Robert W. Service
23711 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23712 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23713 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23714 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23716 I have not yet begun to byte!
23718 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23721 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23722 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23723 be blockhead enough to have me.
23726 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23729 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23732 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23733 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23734 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23735 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23736 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23737 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23738 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23739 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23740 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23741 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23742 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23743 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23744 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23745 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23746 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23747 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23748 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23749 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23750 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23751 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23752 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
23753 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23754 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23755 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23756 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23758 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23759 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23761 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23763 I have that old biological urge,
23764 I have that old irresistible surge,
23767 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23770 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23771 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23773 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23776 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23777 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23778 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23779 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23780 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23781 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23782 science of data processing), c. 1957
23784 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23785 -- John D. Rockefeller
23787 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23788 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23791 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23793 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23795 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23796 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23798 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23800 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23801 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23802 more than he knows.
23803 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23805 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23806 -- Thomas Jefferson
23808 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23809 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23810 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23811 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23813 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23814 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23815 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23816 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23818 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23820 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23821 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23823 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23826 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23830 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23831 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23832 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23833 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23834 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23836 I just got out of the hospital after a
23837 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23840 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23843 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23846 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23847 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23848 -- Arturo Toscanini
23850 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23851 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23853 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23854 If I could just remember what it was.
23856 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23857 take one along that worked.
23858 -- Raymond Chandler
23860 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23861 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23862 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23863 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23864 But don't you get square!
23865 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23866 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23868 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23870 I know not how I came into this,
23871 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23874 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23875 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23878 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23881 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23882 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23885 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23886 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23887 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23889 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23890 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23893 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23894 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23895 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23896 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23897 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23898 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23900 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23901 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23904 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23905 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23907 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23909 I lately lost a preposition;
23910 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23911 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23912 Up from out of under there."
23914 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23915 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23916 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23917 Up from out of under for?"
23920 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23921 Waitin' for the double E.
23922 The railroad don't run no more.
23923 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23924 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23925 These young girls won't let me be,
23926 Lord have mercy on me!
23929 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23930 Well, I ain't naming names.
23931 But she really worked me over good,
23932 She was just like Jesse James.
23933 She really worked me over good,
23934 She was a credit to her gender.
23935 She put me through some changes, boy,
23936 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23938 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23939 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23940 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23941 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23942 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23944 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23945 didn't is just lyin'!
23948 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23951 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23952 that kidnaped Europa.
23953 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23955 I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
23956 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23958 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23959 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23960 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23961 the way and let them have it.
23962 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23964 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23966 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23969 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23971 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23973 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23974 to bite people themselves.
23975 -- August Strindberg
23977 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23978 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23981 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23982 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23985 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23986 someone takes them away.
23989 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23990 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23992 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23995 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23998 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23999 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
24000 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24002 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24003 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24005 I love to eat them Smurfies
24006 Smurfies what I love to eat
24007 Bite they ugly heads off,
24008 Nibble on they bluish feet.
24010 I love treason but hate a traitor.
24011 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24013 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24016 I love you, not only for what you are,
24017 but for what I am when I am with you.
24020 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24021 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24023 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24025 I married beneath me. All women do.
24026 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24028 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24029 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24031 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24033 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24035 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24038 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24039 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24041 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24042 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24044 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
24045 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
24047 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
24048 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
24049 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24051 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
24052 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
24053 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24054 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
24055 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
24056 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24057 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
24059 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24060 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24063 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24067 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24068 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24069 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24071 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24072 -- Alexander Woolcott
24074 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24075 week sometimes to make it up.
24076 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24078 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24080 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24081 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24082 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24083 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24086 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24087 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24088 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24089 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24090 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24092 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24093 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24095 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24097 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24100 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24101 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24105 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24106 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24107 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24109 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24110 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24113 I never did it that way before.
24115 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24116 places they do today.
24119 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24120 could do was to go away.
24122 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24125 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24128 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24131 I never made a mistake in my life.
24132 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24135 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24136 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24138 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24140 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24142 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24143 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24145 I never saw a purple cow
24146 I never hope to see one
24147 But I can tell you anyhow
24148 I'd rather see than be one.
24151 I've never seen a purple cow
24152 I never hope to see one
24153 But from the milk we're getting now
24154 There certainly must be one
24157 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24158 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24159 But I can tell you anyhow
24160 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24161 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24163 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24165 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24168 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24169 -- George Bernard Shaw
24171 I only know what I read in the papers.
24174 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24175 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24177 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24178 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24179 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24180 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24181 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24182 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24183 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24184 -- Letters From Colette
24187 It's off to work I go...
24189 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24193 I owe the public nothing.
24196 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24197 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24198 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24199 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24200 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24201 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24203 -- Thomas Jefferson
24205 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24206 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24207 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24208 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24209 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24210 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24212 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24214 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24215 of the United States of America
24216 and to the republic for which it stands,
24220 and justice for all.
24221 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24223 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24226 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24228 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24229 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24231 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24234 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24237 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24238 -- William F. Buckley
24240 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24241 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24244 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24245 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24246 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24247 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24248 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24249 aspire to crudeness.
24250 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24252 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24255 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24256 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24257 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24258 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24260 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24261 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24264 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24265 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24267 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24270 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24271 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24272 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24273 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24276 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24277 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24278 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24279 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24280 write about, such as nose-picking.
24281 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24284 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24285 -- Marilyn Chambers
24287 I really hate this damned machine
24288 I wish that they would sell it.
24289 It never does quite what I want
24290 But only what I tell it.
24292 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24293 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24294 something of what has been passing in their time.
24297 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24298 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24299 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24302 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24303 believing that some men are my equals.
24306 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24308 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24309 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24310 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24311 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24312 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24313 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24314 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24315 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24318 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24319 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24320 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24322 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24326 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24327 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24330 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24333 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24334 woman should marry -- and no man.
24335 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24337 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24338 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24339 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24340 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24341 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24342 if they don't get it.
24345 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24346 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24348 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24349 'Round and round they sped.
24350 I was disturbed at this,
24351 I accosted the man,
24352 "It is futile," I said.
24354 "You lie!" He cried,
24358 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24361 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24362 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24365 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24367 I see a bad moon rising.
24368 I see trouble on the way.
24369 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24370 I see bad times today.
24371 Don't go 'round tonight,
24372 It's bound to take your life.
24373 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24374 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24376 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24377 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24378 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24380 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24381 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24382 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24383 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24384 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24386 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24387 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24388 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24389 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24391 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24392 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24393 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24394 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24395 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24396 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24397 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24398 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24399 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24400 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24402 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24403 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24405 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24406 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24408 I sent a message to another time,
24409 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24410 I sent a message to another plane,
24411 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24413 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24414 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24415 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24416 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24417 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24418 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24420 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24421 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24422 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24423 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24424 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24426 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24427 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24429 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24431 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24432 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24433 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24434 that matters, but victory.
24437 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
24438 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24442 -- graffito in San Francisco
24444 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24445 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24448 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24449 most western countries.
24454 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24455 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24458 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24463 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24465 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24466 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24468 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24469 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
24471 I stood on the leading edge,
24472 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24473 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24474 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24475 Go on and give it a try,
24476 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24477 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24479 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24480 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24483 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
24486 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24487 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24488 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24489 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24491 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24493 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24494 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24495 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24496 That needs a helping hand,
24497 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24498 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24500 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24501 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24502 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24503 are worth considering, to wit:
24506 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24507 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24510 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24511 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24512 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
24516 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
24519 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24520 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24521 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24522 are worth considering, to wit:
24525 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
24526 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
24527 a U-turn on a divided highway."
24530 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
24531 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
24532 traveling more than 60 MPH."
24535 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24536 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24538 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24539 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24540 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24541 are worth considering, to wit:
24544 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
24545 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
24548 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
24549 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
24550 a 5' parking space."
24553 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
24554 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
24556 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
24557 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
24559 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
24560 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
24561 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
24563 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
24564 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
24565 munchies, and ate the other half.
24567 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
24568 bottle stuck up my nose.
24569 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24571 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
24572 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
24574 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
24575 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
24576 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
24577 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24579 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
24580 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
24581 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
24582 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24584 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
24587 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
24588 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
24591 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
24594 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
24595 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
24597 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
24598 because I couldn't remember the proof.
24599 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
24601 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
24602 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24604 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
24606 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
24607 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
24608 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
24610 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
24611 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
24612 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
24613 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24614 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24617 I think that I shall never hear
24618 A poem lovelier than beer.
24619 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24620 With golden base and snowy cap.
24621 The stuff that I can drink all day
24622 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24623 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24624 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24626 I think that I shall never see
24627 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24628 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24629 I'll never see a tree at all.
24632 I think that I shall never see
24633 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24634 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
24635 I'll never see a tree at all.
24638 I think that I shall never see
24639 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24640 But as you see the trees have gone
24641 They went this morning with the dawn.
24642 A logging firm from out of town
24643 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24644 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24645 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
24647 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24648 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24649 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24650 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24651 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24652 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24653 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24654 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24655 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24656 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24658 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24659 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24662 I think the world is run by C students.
24665 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24666 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24667 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24669 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24670 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24671 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24673 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24675 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24677 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24678 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
24680 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24682 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24684 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24687 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24688 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24689 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24690 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24691 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24692 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24693 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24694 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24696 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24698 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24699 -- Firesign Theatre
24701 I think we're in trouble.
24704 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24705 except for the one about my mental instability.
24706 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
24708 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24709 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24710 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24711 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24712 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24713 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24714 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24715 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24716 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24717 She sent one from some past high school day,
24718 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24719 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24720 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24721 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24722 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24723 If you were not so totally weird!"
24724 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24725 And he had not done just the same,
24726 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24727 And would not have had fun with the game.
24729 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24731 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24733 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24735 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24737 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24738 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24739 -- Winston Churchill
24741 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24742 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24746 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24747 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24749 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24751 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24752 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24753 and drown myself in the noise.
24754 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24756 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24757 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24759 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24762 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24763 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24765 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24766 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24767 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24769 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24770 I never have to go upstairs.
24772 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24773 front of it in only eight minutes.
24776 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24779 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24782 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24785 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24786 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24787 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24788 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24789 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24790 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24794 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24796 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24799 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24802 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24803 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24804 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24805 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24806 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24807 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24808 No more, Mr. Clean,
24809 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24810 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24812 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24813 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24814 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24815 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24816 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24818 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24819 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24821 I used to have a drinking problem.
24822 Now I love the stuff.
24824 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24825 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24827 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24828 like I'm the only one moving.
24830 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24831 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24832 to be out that long."
24834 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24835 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24838 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24839 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24840 more mature than I am.
24842 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24844 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24845 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24846 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24849 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24850 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24853 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24857 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24858 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24859 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24860 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24864 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24866 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24867 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24869 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24870 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24872 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24874 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24877 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24879 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24880 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24881 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24882 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24883 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24884 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24886 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24888 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24889 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24892 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24893 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24894 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24898 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24899 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24900 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24901 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24904 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24905 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24906 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24907 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24908 get off my driveway.
24911 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24912 With a lady in St. Louie,
24913 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24914 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24915 Roll this rocker out some money,
24916 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24919 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24920 I said I didn't know.
24923 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24924 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24925 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24926 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24927 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24928 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24929 that all the time."
24930 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24932 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24933 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24936 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24937 permitted me to function effectively.
24940 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24941 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24942 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24943 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24944 avoiding the beach.
24945 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24947 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24948 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24951 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24952 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24953 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24954 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24955 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24956 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24957 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24958 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24959 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24960 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24961 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24963 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24964 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24965 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24966 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24968 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24969 full house and four people died.
24972 I was the best I ever had.
24975 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24978 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24979 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24980 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24981 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24982 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24984 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24987 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24990 I went home with a waitress,
24991 The way I always do.
24992 How I was I to know?
24993 She was with the Russians too.
24995 I was gambling in Havana,
24996 I took a little risk.
24997 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24998 Dad, get me out of this.
24999 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25001 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
25004 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25005 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25009 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
25010 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
25011 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
25012 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
25013 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
25014 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
25015 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25016 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25017 program to the point where it would not run at all.
25018 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25019 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25021 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25022 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25024 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25025 As if you just squashed a cop.
25026 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25028 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25032 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25033 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25034 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25036 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25040 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25041 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25042 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25043 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25045 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25046 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25048 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25051 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25052 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25054 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25056 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25057 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25061 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25062 statues that are in all the other museums.
25065 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25066 it took seven others to beat him!
25068 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25070 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25071 but not into it if I can help it.
25072 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25074 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25075 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25076 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25077 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25078 writing on this stone!
25081 I will make you shorter by the head.
25084 I will never lie to you.
25086 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25090 I will not get drunk!
25092 I will not in public!
25094 I will not fall down!
25096 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25098 I will not forget you.
25100 I will not play at tug o' war.
25101 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25102 Where everyone hugs
25104 Where everyone giggles
25105 And rolls on the rug,
25106 Where everyone kisses,
25107 And everyone grins,
25108 And everyone cuddles,
25110 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25112 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25116 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25117 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25120 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25122 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25124 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25125 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25129 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25131 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25133 I woke up a feelin' mean
25134 went down to play the slot machine
25135 the wheels turned round,
25136 and the letters read
25137 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25140 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25141 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25142 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25143 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25146 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25147 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25148 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25149 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25152 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25153 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25155 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25156 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25159 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25160 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25161 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25162 after we've been home a long while.
25165 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25166 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25169 I would have made a good pope.
25172 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25173 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25174 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25177 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25178 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25179 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25180 forget or do not know.
25181 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25183 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25184 referring to image activation and termination.]
25186 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25187 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25188 our tasks will be solved.
25189 -- Warren G. Harding
25191 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25192 with income tax policies.
25193 -- William F. Buckley
25195 I would like to know
25196 What I was fencing in
25197 And what I was fencing out.
25200 I would much rather have men ask why
25201 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25202 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25204 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25205 they're being taped.
25208 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25209 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25211 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25212 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25213 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25215 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25216 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25218 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25220 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25222 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25223 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25224 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25226 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25228 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25229 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25245 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25246 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25247 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25248 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25249 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25250 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25254 Idiots Become Managers
25256 Impossible to Buy Machine
25257 Incredibly Big Machine
25258 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25259 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25260 It Boggles the Mind
25261 It's Better Manually
25262 Itty-Bitty Machines
25264 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25265 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25266 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25269 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25270 And everywhere this language went,
25271 It was a total loss.
25273 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25275 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25276 Machines should work. People should think.
25278 IBM's original motto:
25279 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25281 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25284 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25286 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25288 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25291 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25292 -- Princess Leia Organa
25294 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25295 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25297 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25299 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25301 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25302 whole field to private industry.
25305 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25308 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25311 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25314 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25316 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25319 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25322 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25323 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25325 I'd never cry if I did find
25326 A blue whale in my soup...
25327 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25328 Inside a chicken coop.
25329 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25330 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25331 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25332 They've put acid in my rain.
25335 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25338 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25339 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25342 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25344 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25346 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25349 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25351 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25354 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25356 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25357 Than cry with the saints,
25358 The sinners are much more fun!
25359 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25361 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25363 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25364 solitary confinement.
25366 Identify your visitor.
25369 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25370 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25371 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25374 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25375 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25376 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25379 Leisure gone to seed.
25381 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25383 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25384 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25385 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25386 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25387 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25389 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25392 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25393 at about 30 miles/second.
25394 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25396 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25399 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
25400 is a camel's behind.
25401 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25403 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25405 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25406 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25408 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25409 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25412 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25415 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25416 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25419 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25420 really a guru at all?
25421 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25423 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
25424 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
25425 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25427 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25428 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25429 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25430 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25432 If a listener nods his head when you're
25433 explaining your program, wake him up.
25435 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25436 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25438 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25441 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25442 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25444 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25445 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25446 -- Albert Schweitzer
25448 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25449 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25450 it might well prolong his life.
25451 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25453 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25454 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25455 -- Thomas Jefferson
25457 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25458 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25459 will lose that, too.
25460 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25462 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25463 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25464 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25465 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25467 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25469 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
25470 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
25471 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
25472 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25475 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25476 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25479 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25480 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25481 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25483 If a system is administered wisely,
25484 its users will be content.
25485 They enjoy hacking their code
25486 and don't waste time implementing
25487 labor-saving shell scripts.
25488 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25489 they aren't interested in other machines.
25490 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25491 but these don't access any hosts.
25492 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25493 but nobody ever uses them.
25494 People enjoy reading their mail,
25495 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
25496 spend weekends working at their terminals,
25497 delight in the doings at the site.
25498 And even though the next system is so close
25499 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
25500 they are content to die of old age
25501 without ever having gone to see it.
25503 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
25504 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
25505 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
25506 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
25507 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
25510 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
25511 -- G. K. Chesterton
25513 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
25516 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
25518 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
25519 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
25520 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
25523 If all be true that I do think,
25524 There be five reasons why one should drink;
25525 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
25526 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
25527 Or any other reason why.
25529 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
25530 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
25532 If all else fails, lower your standards.
25534 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
25536 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
25537 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
25538 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
25540 If all the seas were ink,
25541 And all the reeds were pens,
25542 And all the skies were parchment,
25543 And all the men could write,
25544 These would not suffice
25545 To write down all the red tape
25546 Of this Government.
25548 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
25551 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
25552 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
25555 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
25556 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
25557 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
25558 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
25559 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
25560 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
25561 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
25562 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
25563 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
25565 If an S and an I and an O and a U
25566 With an X at the end spell Su;
25567 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
25568 Pray what is a speller to do?
25569 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
25570 And an HED spell side,
25571 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
25572 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
25573 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
25575 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
25576 car he ever lays down in front of.
25579 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
25580 let him become president of Harvard.
25583 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
25584 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
25585 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
25586 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
25588 If anything can go wrong, it will.
25590 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
25592 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25594 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
25596 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
25598 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25600 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25603 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25604 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
25607 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
25609 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
25611 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
25612 -- Leonard Levinson
25614 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
25616 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
25617 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
25618 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
25619 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
25620 plentiful as blackberries.
25623 If bankers can count, how come they have
25624 eight windows and only four tellers?
25626 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25627 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25628 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25630 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25631 but illegal purposes.
25634 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25636 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25639 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25643 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25645 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25649 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25651 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25653 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25654 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25656 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25658 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25659 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25661 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25663 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25664 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25665 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25667 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25668 around a deal faster.
25669 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
25671 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25673 If everything on the road of life seems to
25674 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25676 If everything seems to be going well,
25677 you have obviously overlooked something.
25679 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25680 -- Bertrand Russell
25682 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25684 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25685 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25686 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25687 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25688 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25689 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25692 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25693 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25695 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25698 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25700 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25702 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25704 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25706 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25708 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25710 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25711 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25713 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25715 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25716 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25718 If God had really intended men to fly,
25719 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25722 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25723 have made them cute and furry.
25726 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25729 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25730 He would have given you bigger hands.
25732 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25733 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25735 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25737 If God is One, what is bad?
25740 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25742 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25745 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25748 If God wanted us to have a President,
25749 He would have sent us a candidate.
25750 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25752 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25753 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25755 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25758 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25759 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25761 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25762 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25763 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25764 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25766 If he should ever change his faith,
25767 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25769 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25770 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25772 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25775 If I could read your mind, love,
25776 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25777 Just like a paperback novel,
25778 The kind the drugstore sells,
25779 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25780 The hero would be me,
25782 You won't read that book again, because
25783 the ending is just too hard to take.
25785 I walk away, like a movie star,
25786 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25788 A movie queen to play the scene
25789 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25790 But for now, love, let's be real
25791 I never thought I could act this way,
25792 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25793 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25794 And I just can't get it back...
25795 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25797 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25798 I would spill it all over the stage.
25799 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25800 Would you think the boy was strange?
25803 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25804 Suicide right on the stage,
25805 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25806 Would it help to ease the pain?
25808 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25810 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25813 If I don't drive around the park,
25814 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25815 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25816 I may get back my looks again.
25817 If I abstain from fun and such,
25818 I'll probably amount to much;
25819 But I shall stay the way I am,
25820 Because I do not give a damn.
25823 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25825 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25826 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25827 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25828 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25829 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25831 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25833 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25834 got to be a better way.
25835 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25837 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25838 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25839 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25841 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25844 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25845 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25848 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25849 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25851 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25852 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25853 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25854 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25855 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25856 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25857 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25858 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25859 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25860 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25861 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25862 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25863 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25864 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25865 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25866 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25868 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25871 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25872 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25874 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25876 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25877 shoulders of giants.
25880 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25881 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25884 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25888 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25891 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25892 stand on each other's toes.
25895 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25896 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25897 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25900 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25901 shoulders of giants.
25904 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
25905 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25908 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
25912 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
25915 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25918 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25919 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25920 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25922 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25923 -- Johann van Goethe
25925 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25926 just couldn't help myself.
25929 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25930 -- Alan Parsons Project
25932 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25933 I'm an engineer working on something.
25936 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25938 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25939 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25940 Murphy would be there to tell me
25941 The pot's at the other end.
25944 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25946 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25947 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25950 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25951 because I can't swim.
25954 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25955 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25958 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25960 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25963 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25964 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25966 If in doubt, mumble.
25968 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25970 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25972 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25973 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25975 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25976 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25977 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25979 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25981 If it heals good, say it.
25983 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25984 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25987 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25989 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25992 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25995 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25997 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25999 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26001 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26002 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26004 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26005 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26006 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26007 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26008 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26011 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26013 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26015 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26017 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26019 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26021 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26023 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26024 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26028 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26029 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26030 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26031 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26032 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26033 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26034 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26035 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26037 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26038 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26039 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26041 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26043 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26045 If life is merely a joke, the question
26046 still remains: for whose amusement?
26048 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26050 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26053 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26054 you've got in the house.
26055 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26057 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26060 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26061 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26063 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26066 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26068 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26069 -- Mary Wilson Little
26071 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26072 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26074 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26075 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26078 If men are not afraid to die,
26079 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26081 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26082 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26083 Who will dare to break the law?
26085 There is always an official executioner.
26086 If you try to take his place,
26087 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26088 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26089 you will only hurt your hand.
26090 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26092 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26094 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26095 be a merrier world.
26096 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26098 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26099 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26100 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26101 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26103 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26104 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26107 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26108 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26109 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26110 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26111 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26112 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26113 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26114 get an unfair advantage.
26115 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26117 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26120 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26122 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26124 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26127 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26128 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26129 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26131 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26133 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26135 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26136 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26138 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26140 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26141 -- George Bernard Shaw
26143 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26144 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26146 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26147 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26150 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26151 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26154 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26155 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26157 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26159 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26160 will take sandwiches.
26163 Eats first, morals after.
26164 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26166 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26167 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26170 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26171 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26173 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26175 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26176 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26177 an optional preceding '+').
26180 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26181 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26184 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26185 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26187 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26189 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26191 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26193 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26196 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26198 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26199 Eating components of soured milk.
26200 On at least one occasion,
26201 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26202 Or at least in her vicinity,
26203 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26204 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26205 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26207 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26208 pool cues, who would win?
26211 3) The television viewing public
26214 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26217 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26218 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26219 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26220 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26223 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26227 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26229 Their romance might have flourished.
26230 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26232 Love could not help but die,
26233 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26235 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26238 If some people didn't tell you,
26239 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26241 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26242 one day, I would have studied harder.
26243 -- Pope John Paul I
26245 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26247 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26248 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26250 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26253 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26254 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26256 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26257 presumably flunk it.
26260 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26261 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26262 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26263 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26265 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26266 this would be a better world.
26267 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26269 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26272 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26273 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26274 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26275 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26276 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26277 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26278 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26279 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26280 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26281 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26282 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26283 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26284 put on a professor.
26285 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26287 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26288 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26289 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26291 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26293 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26296 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26297 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26300 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26302 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26305 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26306 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26308 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26309 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26311 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26312 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26314 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26315 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26317 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26318 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26320 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26322 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26324 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26325 I would have recommended something simpler.
26326 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26327 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26329 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26330 the lives of both have been wasted.
26332 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26333 then this sentence would not be false.
26335 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26336 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26339 If the odds are a million to one against something
26340 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26342 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26345 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26346 what a living the poor could make!
26348 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26350 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26351 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26354 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26356 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26357 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26358 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26359 paper folding, or something.
26362 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26363 -- Chief Dan George
26365 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26366 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26367 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26368 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26369 -- Reverend Chichester
26371 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26373 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26374 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26376 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26377 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26381 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26382 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
26384 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26385 can't afford divorce.
26388 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26391 If there is no wind, row.
26394 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26395 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26398 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26400 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26401 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26402 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26403 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26405 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26406 something out of you.
26409 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26411 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26412 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26413 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26417 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26418 him because they don't like his necktie.
26419 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26421 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26423 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26425 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26428 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26430 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26433 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26436 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26437 doing the thinking.
26438 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26440 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26442 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26444 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26445 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26446 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26448 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26449 -- Ernest Hemingway
26451 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
26452 -- Laurence J. Peter
26454 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26456 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26457 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26459 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26461 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26462 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26464 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26465 all be millionaires.
26466 -- Abigail Van Buren
26468 If we do not change our direction we are
26469 likely to end up where we are headed.
26471 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26474 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26478 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26479 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26480 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26481 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26484 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26485 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26488 If we spoke a different language, we
26489 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26492 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26493 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26496 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26498 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
26501 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
26503 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
26505 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
26507 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
26508 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
26509 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
26510 -- Marguerite Emmons
26512 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
26514 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
26515 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
26516 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
26517 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
26520 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
26521 -- Aristotle Onassis
26523 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
26524 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
26525 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
26528 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
26529 Quit work and play for once!
26531 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
26534 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
26535 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
26537 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
26538 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
26541 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
26544 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
26546 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
26547 good, you will get out of it.
26549 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
26550 your honesty is corrupt.
26552 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
26553 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
26554 -- Abigail Van Buren
26556 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
26557 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
26560 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
26561 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
26563 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
26565 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
26566 by your parents, we will cash your check.
26568 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
26569 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
26572 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
26573 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
26575 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
26577 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
26579 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
26580 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26582 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
26585 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
26586 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
26588 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
26590 If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
26593 If you can read this, you're too close.
26595 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
26597 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
26600 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
26601 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
26602 -- Edwin Schrodinger
26604 If you can't be good, be careful.
26605 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
26607 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
26609 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
26611 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
26613 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
26614 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26616 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
26618 If you catch a man, throw him back.
26619 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
26621 If you continually give you will continually have.
26623 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
26624 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
26626 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
26628 If you didn't have most of your friends,
26629 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
26631 If you didn't have to work so hard,
26632 you'd have more time to be depressed.
26634 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
26637 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
26638 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
26641 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
26643 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26645 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26647 -- Mordecai Richler
26649 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26650 would have happened if you had done it.
26652 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26654 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26656 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26659 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26662 If you don't have the time right now,
26663 will you have redo right time later?
26665 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26666 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26668 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26670 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26672 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26675 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26676 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26678 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26679 Lavoris in the toilet.
26682 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26684 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26685 either of you for the rest of the day.
26687 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26688 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26690 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26691 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
26692 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26693 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
26694 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26695 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26696 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
26697 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26698 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26699 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26700 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26701 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26702 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26703 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26704 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26705 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26706 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26707 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26708 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26711 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26714 If you explain something so clearly that no
26715 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26717 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26719 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26720 the solution may become your next problem.
26722 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26724 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26725 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26726 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26728 If you fool around with something long
26729 enough, it will eventually break.
26731 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26733 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26734 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26735 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26737 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26738 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26739 -- Winston Churchill
26741 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26742 so as not to disturb those around you.
26744 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26745 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26749 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26751 If you had better tools, you could more
26752 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26754 If you had just one moment to live
26755 And they granted you one special wish
26756 Would you ask for something
26757 Like another chance.
26758 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26760 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26761 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26763 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26765 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26768 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26770 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26771 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26772 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26773 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26774 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26775 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26776 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26777 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26778 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26779 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26781 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26783 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26786 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26788 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26791 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26793 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26795 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26796 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26797 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26800 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26801 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26804 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26805 yourself in the posterior.
26806 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26808 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26810 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26814 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26816 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26819 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26822 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26823 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26826 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26827 365 useless things.
26829 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26832 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26834 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26837 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26838 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26840 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26841 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26844 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26845 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26846 -- Garrison Keillor
26848 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26849 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26851 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26852 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26854 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26855 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26856 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26858 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26859 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26861 If you love someone, set them free.
26862 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26864 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26865 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26867 If you make a mistake you right it
26868 immediately to the best of your ability.
26870 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26871 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26872 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26874 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26875 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26877 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26878 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26881 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
26882 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
26884 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26887 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26888 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26890 If you need anything just whistle.
26891 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26892 Just put your lips together and blow.
26893 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26895 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26896 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26898 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26901 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26902 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26905 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26906 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26909 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26910 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26913 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26914 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26915 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
26917 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26919 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26920 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26921 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26924 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26928 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26929 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26930 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26931 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26932 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26933 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26934 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26937 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26939 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26941 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26942 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26943 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26945 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26947 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26948 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26949 -- Swami Prabhupada
26951 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26954 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26956 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26958 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26959 many it's research.
26962 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26963 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26966 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26967 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26968 Or some joker who is slicker,
26969 Will trick you of your liquor,
26970 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26972 If you stick your head in the sand,
26973 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26975 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26977 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26981 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26982 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26985 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26988 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26990 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26991 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26993 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26994 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26996 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26997 try missing a couple of car payments.
27000 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27001 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27004 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27005 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27008 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27011 If you think the system is working,
27012 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27014 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27015 shopping center in the world?
27016 -- Richard M. Nixon
27018 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27019 lack sufficient imagination.
27021 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27022 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27023 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27025 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27026 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27027 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27028 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27029 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27031 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27032 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27033 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27034 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27035 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27038 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27039 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27042 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27043 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27044 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27046 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27047 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27049 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27051 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
27054 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27055 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27057 If you want divine justice, die.
27060 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27061 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27064 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27067 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27068 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
27071 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27073 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27077 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27080 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27082 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27086 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27087 -- Harry Blackstone
27089 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27090 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27091 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27092 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27093 the word "National".
27096 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27097 you say, talk in your sleep.
27099 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27100 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27101 even if they don't know what it means.
27102 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27104 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27106 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27107 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27110 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27111 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27112 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27113 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27116 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27118 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27120 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27121 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27124 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27125 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27126 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27127 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27128 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27129 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27130 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27131 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27132 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27133 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27136 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27138 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27141 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27142 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27144 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27145 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27148 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27150 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27152 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27153 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27154 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27156 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27157 I guess you do have a problem.
27158 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27160 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27162 If your mind grows weak,
27163 Don't yield to the weakness.
27164 Even if tired of thought,
27165 Never stop thinking.
27166 My sons and descendants,
27167 Don't get exhausted in reason--
27168 But become experienced.
27169 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
27171 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27172 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27174 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27176 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27177 longer be fantasies.
27180 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27181 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27184 If you're careful enough, nothing
27185 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27187 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27188 The Olympics are over.
27190 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27191 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27193 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27194 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27196 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27198 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27199 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27201 If you're going to do something tonight
27202 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27205 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27207 If you're happy, you're successful.
27209 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27211 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27212 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27214 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27216 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27217 As well as by traffic and crime,
27218 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27219 Though living on burrowed time.
27220 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27222 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27223 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27224 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27226 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27230 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27231 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27232 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27234 Ignorance is bliss.
27237 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27238 BLISS is ignorance.
27240 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27241 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27242 -- Franklin K. Dane
27244 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27246 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27247 so resolutely pursuing it.
27249 Ignore previous fortune.
27251 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27252 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27253 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27254 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27255 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27258 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27259 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
27260 it. Neither will Iles.
27262 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27265 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27267 I'll burn my books.
27268 -- Christopher Marlowe
27270 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27271 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27272 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27273 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27275 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27277 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27279 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27280 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27281 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27283 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27284 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27285 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27286 And in our bound partition never part.
27287 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27289 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27290 I play just what I feel.
27291 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27292 And die behind the wheel.
27293 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27294 I want a name when I lose.
27295 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27296 Call me Deacon Blues.
27297 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27299 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27302 I'll never get off this planet.
27305 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27307 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27308 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27309 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27311 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27312 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27314 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27318 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27321 Illegitimi non carborundum
27322 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27324 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27325 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27327 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27329 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27332 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27333 that I could have evolved from man.
27335 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27336 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27337 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27338 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27339 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27340 Ellen up a steep incline.
27341 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27342 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta
27343 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27344 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27345 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27346 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27347 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2
27348 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27349 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27350 that Kirk talked strangely.
27351 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27352 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27353 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27354 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27355 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27356 physical exam to answer the alert.
27358 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27359 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27361 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27363 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27364 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27365 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27367 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27368 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27370 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27371 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27374 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27375 will be more productive than its cost.
27376 -- David Rockefeller
27379 But it's not what I really want to do.
27380 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27381 I know what you're going to say --
27382 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27383 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27384 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27386 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27389 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27390 that I could have been created by man.
27392 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27393 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27394 I'll tell some power broker
27395 What they did for Iacocca
27396 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27397 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27398 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27399 When they hand a million grand out,
27400 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27401 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27404 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27406 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27407 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27408 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27409 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27410 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27411 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27412 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27413 "You snake," she rattled.
27414 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27415 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27416 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27417 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27418 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27419 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27420 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27421 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27423 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27426 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27429 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27431 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27432 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27434 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27435 I'm glad that I am free,
27436 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27437 And McGovern were a tree.
27439 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27440 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27443 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27444 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27445 > And in LA it's 72.
27447 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27448 is a million percent.
27449 > And in LA it's 72.
27451 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27452 > And in LA there are 72.
27454 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27457 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27460 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27463 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27466 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27467 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27470 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27472 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27473 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27475 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27476 I've missed your special date.
27477 Please say that you're not mad at me
27478 My tax return is late.
27479 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27481 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27485 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27486 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27487 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27488 She's traversed me seven times before.
27489 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27490 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27491 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27492 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27493 N-ary the tree I am.
27494 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27496 I'm not a lovable man.
27499 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
27500 with twenty-eight years ago.
27503 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
27507 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
27508 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
27510 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
27512 I'm not offering myself as an example;
27513 every life evolves by its own laws.
27515 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
27519 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
27521 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
27522 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
27524 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
27526 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
27530 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
27531 that some thinkle peep I am.
27532 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
27534 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
27535 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
27536 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
27537 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
27538 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
27539 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
27540 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
27541 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
27544 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
27545 totally unprepared for everyday life.
27547 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
27548 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
27551 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
27552 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
27554 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
27555 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
27556 -- English Professor, Providence College
27558 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
27560 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
27562 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
27563 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
27564 you being a dumbass.
27565 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
27567 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
27569 I'm sorry I missed.
27572 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
27574 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
27576 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
27577 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
27579 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
27580 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
27581 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
27582 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
27583 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
27585 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
27586 like pigeons and Catholics.
27589 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
27592 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
27595 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
27596 -- Jules de Gaultier
27598 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
27599 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
27600 thinks of complaining.
27601 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
27603 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
27604 It would mean political ruin.
27607 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
27608 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
27609 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
27610 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
27611 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
27613 "Is it PC compatible?"
27615 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
27616 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
27618 Imagine what we can imagine!
27619 -- Arthur Rubinstein
27621 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
27624 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
27625 In order for something to become clean, something else must
27626 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
27629 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
27632 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
27634 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
27636 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
27639 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
27640 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
27642 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27645 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27646 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27647 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27648 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27651 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27652 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27653 conflicting opinions.
27654 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27656 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27657 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27658 Boss is reading it.
27661 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27662 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
27663 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27664 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27666 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27669 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27672 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27673 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27675 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27678 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27679 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27680 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27681 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27682 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27684 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27685 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27687 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27688 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27689 more to its liking.
27691 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27692 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27695 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27697 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27698 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27700 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27701 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27703 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27704 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27705 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27706 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27708 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27709 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27713 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27714 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27716 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27717 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27719 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27720 other really likes.
27721 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27723 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27724 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27725 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27726 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27727 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27729 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27730 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27731 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27733 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27734 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27737 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27738 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27739 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27740 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27741 superior to Tops10.
27743 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27744 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27746 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27747 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27748 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27750 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27751 of the risks he takes.
27754 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27755 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27756 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27757 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27758 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27759 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27761 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27762 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27766 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27768 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27770 -- The Peter Principle
27772 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27773 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27776 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27777 are to be treated as variables.
27779 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27780 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27782 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27783 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27786 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27789 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27790 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27792 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27793 the cows are known sluts.
27796 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27797 made the World Series just something that came later.
27798 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27800 In buying horses and taking a wife
27801 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27803 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27804 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27805 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27806 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27807 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27809 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27810 it into television shows.
27811 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27813 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27815 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27816 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27818 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27819 -- The Kidner Report
27821 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27823 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27824 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27826 In charity there is no excess.
27829 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27830 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27831 be free of subjugation.
27832 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27834 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27835 This is called Monotony.
27837 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27838 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27839 to get her attention.
27841 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27843 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27844 in any motor vehicle.
27846 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27847 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27849 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27852 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27854 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27855 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27856 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27857 In speech, be true.
27858 In work, be competent.
27859 In action, be careful of your timing.
27862 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27863 programming languages.
27865 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27866 -- Thomas Jefferson
27868 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27869 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27871 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27872 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27873 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27874 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27877 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27879 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27880 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27881 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27882 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27883 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27885 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27886 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27888 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27889 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27890 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27891 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27892 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27893 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27894 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27896 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27898 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27899 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27902 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27903 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27905 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27906 In all the others all she loves is love.
27907 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27909 In high school in Brooklyn
27910 I was the baseball manager,
27911 proud as I could be
27912 I chased baseballs,
27913 gathered thrown bats
27914 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27915 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27916 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27917 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27918 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27919 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27920 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27921 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27922 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27923 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27924 I still recall that jacket
27925 and the memory goes on hurting.
27926 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27928 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27929 afterwards that causes the problems.
27932 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27935 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27936 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27937 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27940 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27941 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27942 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27943 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27945 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27947 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27948 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27949 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27951 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27952 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27955 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27958 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27961 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27964 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27965 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27966 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27968 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27969 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27971 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27972 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27973 have obtained from books of travel.
27976 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27977 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27978 -- Thomas Jefferson
27980 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27983 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27984 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27986 In most instances, all an argument
27987 proves is that two people are present.
27989 In my end is my beginning.
27990 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27992 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27993 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27994 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27996 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27997 becoming pure energy.
27998 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
28000 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28001 punishments, there are consequences.
28004 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28005 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28006 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28008 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28009 a practice which is still continued.
28012 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28014 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28015 you're what's left.
28017 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28019 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28020 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28022 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28024 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28026 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28027 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28028 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28030 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28031 Court decision and violent revolution.
28032 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28034 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28036 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28037 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28038 -- John Diefenbaker
28040 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28041 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28043 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28044 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28047 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28048 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28051 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28052 want the other person.
28053 -- Margaret Anderson
28055 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28057 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28059 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28060 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28061 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28062 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28063 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28064 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28066 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28067 merger be that far off?
28068 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28070 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28071 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28072 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28073 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28074 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28076 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28079 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28080 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28081 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28082 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28083 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28084 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28085 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28087 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28088 is over six feet in length.
28090 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28091 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28093 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
28095 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28097 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28100 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28103 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28106 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28107 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28108 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28110 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28111 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28112 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28113 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28114 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28116 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28117 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28118 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28120 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28122 "In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
28123 opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
28124 -- Benjamin Franklin
28126 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28127 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28129 In the beginning was the word.
28130 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28132 For with it came syntax ...
28135 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28136 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28137 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28138 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28139 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28140 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28141 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28142 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28143 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28145 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28146 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28147 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28150 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28151 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28153 In the days of old,
28154 When Knights were bold,
28155 And women were too cautious;
28156 Oh, those gallant days,
28157 When women were women,
28158 And men were really obnoxious.
28160 In the dimestores and bus stations
28161 People talk of situations
28162 Read books repeat quotations
28163 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28166 In the early morning queue,
28167 With a listing in my hand.
28168 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28169 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28170 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28171 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28172 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28173 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28174 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28175 I've moved up one at last.
28176 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28177 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28179 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28182 In the first place, God made idiots;
28183 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28186 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28187 the proper order then why can't he?
28189 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28192 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28193 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28195 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28198 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28199 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28202 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28203 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28204 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28206 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28209 In the long run we are all dead.
28210 -- John Maynard Keynes
28212 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28213 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28214 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28216 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28217 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28219 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28220 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28221 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28222 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28223 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28224 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28227 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28229 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28231 In the next world, you're on your own.
28233 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28234 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28235 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28237 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28238 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28240 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28241 the sound of those drums."
28242 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28243 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28245 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28246 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28247 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28248 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28249 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28250 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28251 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28253 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28254 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28255 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28256 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28257 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28260 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28261 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28262 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28263 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28264 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28265 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28266 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28269 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28270 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28271 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28273 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28275 In the time of peace and harmony
28276 Be a kind-hearted friend.
28277 In the time of conflict with enemies
28278 Be a falcon of advance and attack.
28279 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
28281 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28282 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28285 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28287 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28288 In practice, there is.
28290 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28295 Your head grows bald
28299 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28300 -- Benjamin Franklin
28302 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28303 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28306 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28307 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28309 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28310 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28313 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28315 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28317 -- Winston Churchill
28319 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28320 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28323 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28324 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28326 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28327 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28328 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28329 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28330 Down to a sunless C.
28332 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28335 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28338 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28339 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28341 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28343 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28346 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28347 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28349 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28350 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28351 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28352 Through caverns measureless to man
28353 Down to a sunless sea.
28354 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28355 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28356 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28357 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28358 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28359 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28360 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28362 In youth, it was a way I had
28363 To do my best to please,
28364 And change, with every passing lad,
28365 To suit his theories.
28367 But now I know the things I know,
28368 And do the things I do;
28369 And if you do not like me so,
28370 To hell, my love, with you!
28371 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28374 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28375 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28376 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28377 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28382 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28383 Have mate's phone bugged.
28386 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28389 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28391 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28392 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28393 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28397 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28398 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28400 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28401 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28402 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28405 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28407 Individualists unite!
28409 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28410 advance; insufferable in victory.
28411 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28414 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28415 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28416 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28419 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28420 in Constantinople, one who does.
28421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28423 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28425 Information Center, n.:
28426 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28427 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28429 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28431 Information Processing:
28432 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28433 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28435 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28437 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28438 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28439 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28440 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28441 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28443 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28444 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28445 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28449 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28451 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28452 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28455 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28456 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28459 On a Bucharest elevator:
28461 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28462 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28466 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28468 Various signs in Poland:
28470 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28472 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28474 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28476 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28478 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28479 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28482 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28485 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28486 and then complains of indigestion.
28488 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28489 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28492 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28493 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
28494 promote intellectual crime.
28495 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28497 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
28499 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
28504 Innovation is hard to schedule.
28510 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
28511 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
28514 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
28516 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
28517 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
28520 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
28523 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
28524 the person who told it to you.
28526 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
28528 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
28530 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
28533 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
28535 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
28536 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
28537 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
28538 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
28539 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28541 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
28544 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
28545 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
28546 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
28547 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
28548 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
28551 Integrity has no need for rules.
28553 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
28556 Intellect annuls Fate.
28557 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
28558 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28560 Interchangeable parts won't.
28563 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
28564 burned out employees must feign.
28566 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
28567 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
28568 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
28569 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
28572 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
28573 best at, that's what I say.
28577 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
28578 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
28579 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
28580 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28582 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
28585 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
28587 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
28592 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
28594 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
28596 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
28598 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
28599 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
28603 It's off to disk I go,
28604 A bit or byte to read or write,
28607 IOT trap -- core dumped
28609 IOT trap -- mos dumped
28611 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
28614 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
28615 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
28616 little paper envelopes.
28618 Iron Law of Distribution:
28619 Them that has, gets.
28622 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
28623 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
28625 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
28626 -- Douglas Hofstadter
28628 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
28630 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
28632 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
28634 Is death legally binding?
28636 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
28637 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
28640 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
28643 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28645 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28646 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28647 and such as are out wish to get in?
28650 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28651 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28653 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28656 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28658 Is there life before breakfast?
28660 Is this really happening?
28662 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28664 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28665 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28667 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28668 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28669 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
28671 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28672 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28673 -- Kelvin Throop III
28675 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28676 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28677 would make them better prospects?
28679 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28683 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28684 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28687 A solution in search of a problem!
28689 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28690 The Course of Progress:
28691 Most things get steadily worse.
28692 The Path of Progress:
28693 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28695 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28696 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28697 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28698 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28699 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28700 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28701 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28702 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28703 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28704 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28705 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28707 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28708 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28711 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28712 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28713 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28714 And empty holes it fills.
28715 It comes first and follows after,
28716 Ends life, kills laughter.
28718 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28719 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28720 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28721 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28722 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28723 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28724 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28725 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28726 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28727 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28729 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28730 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28731 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28732 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28733 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28734 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28736 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28737 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28739 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28740 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28741 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28742 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28743 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28744 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28746 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28748 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28750 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28751 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28753 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28754 done and what you're going to do.
28756 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28758 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28759 next morning it was someone else.
28762 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28763 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28764 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28765 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28766 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28768 It gets late early out there.
28771 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28772 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28774 It hangs down from the chandelier
28775 Nobody knows quite what it does
28776 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28777 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28779 It grows a couple of feet each day
28780 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28781 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28782 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28783 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28785 It happened long ago
28786 In the new magic land
28787 The Indians and the buffalo
28788 Existed hand in hand
28789 The Indians needed food
28790 They need skins for a roof
28791 The only took what they needed
28792 And the buffalo ran loose
28793 But then came the white man
28794 With his thick and empty head
28795 He couldn't see past his billfold
28796 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28797 It was sad, oh so sad.
28798 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28800 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28801 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28802 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28803 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28804 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28805 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28807 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28808 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28809 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28812 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28813 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28814 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28815 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28817 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28818 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28820 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28822 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28823 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28824 -- Bertrand Russell
28826 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28827 and getting people under the influence.
28830 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28832 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28833 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28834 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28835 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28836 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28837 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28838 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28839 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28840 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28841 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28842 competence will be quite enough.
28843 -- The Underground Grammarian
28845 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28846 little things are infinitely the most important.
28847 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28849 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28850 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28851 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28852 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28854 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28855 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28858 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28859 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28860 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28864 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28865 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28866 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28868 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28869 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28872 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28874 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28877 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28878 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28881 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28882 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28883 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28884 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28885 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28886 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28887 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28888 three more than the schedule allowed.
28889 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28890 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28891 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28892 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28893 their thumbs for ten months.
28894 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28895 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28896 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28897 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28898 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28899 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28900 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
28902 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28903 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28905 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28906 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28907 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28910 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28913 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28914 but you should let go of it now and then.
28917 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28918 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28919 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28921 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28923 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28924 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28925 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28928 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28929 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28930 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28931 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28932 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28933 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28934 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28936 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28937 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28938 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28940 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
28942 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28943 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28945 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28946 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28948 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28951 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28955 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28956 One in a million, perhaps.
28958 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28960 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28962 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28964 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28966 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28968 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28970 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28972 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28974 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28976 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28979 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28981 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28983 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28984 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28986 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28988 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28989 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28992 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28993 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28994 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28996 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28997 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29000 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29001 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29002 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29004 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29008 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
29009 depends upon his not understanding it.
29012 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29014 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29015 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29016 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29019 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29021 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29023 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29025 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29026 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
29027 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29028 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29029 attention, the harder the task.
29030 -- Sydney J. Harris
29032 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29034 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29037 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29039 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29040 -- George Santayana
29042 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29043 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29045 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29047 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29049 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29052 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29053 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29054 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29056 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29057 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29058 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29059 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29061 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29062 referring to scheduling.]
29064 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29065 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29068 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29069 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29070 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29072 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29074 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29076 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29080 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29083 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29085 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29086 innovative maneuvers.
29088 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29089 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29090 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29092 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29093 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29095 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29096 love does not lie in the ear.
29099 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29100 Boulevard at one time.
29102 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29104 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29105 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29106 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29107 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29108 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29110 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29112 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29113 against the attack of those who want to die.
29115 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29116 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29117 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29119 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29123 It is impossible to make anything
29124 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29126 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29127 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29131 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29133 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29134 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29137 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29138 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29139 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29141 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29142 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29143 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29144 like a happy married life.
29147 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29148 offense consists in doubting it.
29149 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29151 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29152 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29154 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29155 when you know nothing about the problem.
29157 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29159 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29160 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29161 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29162 -- George Bernard Shaw
29164 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29167 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29169 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29170 that makes life blessed.
29173 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29174 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29175 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29177 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29179 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29181 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29182 The main thing is to use it well.
29185 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29186 we should also have the management of them.
29187 -- La Rochefoucauld
29189 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29192 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29193 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29194 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29196 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29197 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29200 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29201 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29202 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29203 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29204 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29205 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29206 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29208 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29209 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29210 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29212 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29213 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29214 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29215 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29216 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29217 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29218 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29222 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29223 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29224 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29225 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29226 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29227 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29228 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29229 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29230 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29232 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29233 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29235 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29237 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29238 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29242 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29243 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29245 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29248 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29249 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29250 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29253 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29256 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29257 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29260 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29261 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29262 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29264 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29265 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29269 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29270 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29271 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29272 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29273 should be used in its proper place.
29274 -- Christopher Strachey
29276 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29277 -- Maimie Van Doren
29279 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29280 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29281 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29282 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29284 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29285 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29286 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29287 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29289 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29290 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29291 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29292 day like any other day, only shorter.
29293 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29295 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29296 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29297 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29298 too, shall pass away."
29301 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29302 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29305 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29306 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29308 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29309 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29310 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29312 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29313 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29315 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29316 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29317 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29318 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29319 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29320 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29321 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29323 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29324 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29326 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29327 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29328 until the other has gone.
29330 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29333 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29336 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29337 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29340 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29341 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29343 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29346 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29348 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29349 lives, works and has his being.
29352 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
29353 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
29354 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29356 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29358 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29360 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29361 It produces a false impression.
29364 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29365 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29367 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29370 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29371 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29373 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29375 It isn't easy being green.
29378 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29379 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29382 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29386 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29387 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29389 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29390 to Grandmother's condo.
29392 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29393 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29394 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29396 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29398 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29399 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29400 -- Princess Leia Organa
29402 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29403 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29404 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29406 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29407 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
29409 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29410 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29411 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29413 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29417 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29418 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29420 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29421 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29424 It may be that your whole purpose in life
29425 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
29427 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29429 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29430 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29431 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29432 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29433 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29434 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29436 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29437 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29438 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29441 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29443 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29445 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29446 one's life and then come round.
29447 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29449 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29451 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29452 they'll come out for it.
29453 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29456 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29457 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29459 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29460 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29462 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29464 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29465 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29467 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29468 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29469 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29470 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29471 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29472 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29474 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29477 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29480 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29481 language named "research student".
29483 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29485 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29486 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
29487 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
29488 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
29489 average wife is like that.
29490 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
29492 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
29494 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
29496 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
29497 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
29499 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
29501 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
29503 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
29506 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
29508 It takes less time to do a thing right
29509 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
29510 -- H. W. Longfellow
29512 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
29514 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
29515 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
29516 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
29517 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
29518 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
29519 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
29520 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
29521 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
29523 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
29524 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
29527 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
29528 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
29529 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
29530 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
29531 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
29532 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
29534 It used to be the fun was in
29535 The capture and kill.
29536 In another place and time
29537 I did it all for thrills.
29540 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
29543 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
29545 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
29547 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
29548 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
29549 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
29550 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
29552 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
29553 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
29554 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
29556 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
29559 It was all so different before everything changed.
29561 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
29562 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
29563 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
29565 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
29566 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
29569 It was one time too many
29571 It was all too much for me and you
29572 There was one way to go
29573 Nothing more we could do
29578 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
29580 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
29582 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
29584 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
29585 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
29586 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
29587 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
29588 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
29589 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
29590 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
29594 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
29595 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
29596 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
29597 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
29598 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
29599 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
29600 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
29601 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
29602 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
29603 would let me stay here for the night."
29604 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
29607 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
29608 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
29609 -- Hunter S. Thompson
29611 It was wonderful to find America, but it
29612 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
29615 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
29618 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
29619 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
29621 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
29622 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
29624 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
29625 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
29629 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
29630 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
29631 two things still safe to eat.
29634 It would be nice to be sure of anything
29635 the way some people are of everything.
29637 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
29640 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
29641 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
29642 are often slanted to the left.
29644 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29646 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29649 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29652 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29654 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29656 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29659 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29662 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29664 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29665 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29667 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29669 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29670 when you lose yours.
29673 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29676 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29677 -- Churchy La Femme
29679 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29681 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29684 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29685 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29686 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29687 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29688 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29689 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29690 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29691 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29692 have thought it up, I wonder?
29695 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29697 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29699 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
29702 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29703 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29705 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29707 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29709 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29712 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29713 but why do the rats always have to win?
29715 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29718 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
29721 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29723 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29725 It's clever, but is it art?
29727 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29729 "It's easier said than done."
29731 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29732 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29733 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29736 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29739 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29740 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29742 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29745 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29746 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29748 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29750 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29753 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29754 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29755 the ignorance of the community.
29758 It's faster horses,
29762 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29764 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29765 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29767 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29768 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29772 It's gonna be alright,
29773 It's almost midnight,
29774 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29776 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29777 even if most of them are bad.
29779 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29780 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29782 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29784 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29785 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29788 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29791 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29792 you're getting something off your chest.
29794 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29795 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29797 It's hard to think of you as the end
29798 result of millions of years of evolution.
29800 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29802 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29803 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29805 It's interesting to think that many quite
29806 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29808 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29809 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29810 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29811 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29813 It's just a jump to the left
29814 And then a step to the right.
29815 Put your hands on your hips
29816 And pull your knees in tight.
29817 It's the pelvic thrust
29818 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
29820 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29822 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29824 It's just apartment house rules,
29825 So all you 'partment house fools
29826 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29827 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29828 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29830 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29833 It's later than you think.
29835 It's later than you think, the joint
29836 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29838 It's like deja vu all over again.
29845 and even the teddy bears
29848 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29849 you're going in the wrong direction.
29851 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29854 It's multiple choice time...
29858 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29859 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29862 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29863 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29866 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29868 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29869 a sickness you like.
29872 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29873 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29876 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29878 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29881 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29884 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29885 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29887 It's not easy being green.
29890 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29893 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29896 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29899 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29900 what you're taking for it...
29902 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29904 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29908 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29909 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29912 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29914 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29917 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29920 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29923 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29925 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29927 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29928 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29929 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29930 -- Sydney J. Harris
29932 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29933 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29936 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29937 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29938 elected governor of California.
29940 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29941 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29943 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29944 as a warning to others.
29946 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29947 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29950 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29952 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29954 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29955 society will take full responsibility for you.
29957 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29958 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29959 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29960 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29963 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29965 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29966 have been all over it.
29967 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29969 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29970 just to see if it's real,
29971 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29972 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29973 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29974 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29975 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29977 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29979 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29981 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29982 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29984 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29985 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29986 -- Franklin P. Jones
29988 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29989 boy gets another beer.
29992 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29994 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29995 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29997 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29998 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29999 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
30001 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30002 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30004 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30005 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30006 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30007 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30008 inevitably unsuccessful.
30009 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30010 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30011 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30012 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30013 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30014 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30015 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30016 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30017 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30018 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30019 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30020 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30021 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30022 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30023 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30025 I've already told you more than I know.
30027 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30029 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30030 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30032 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30033 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30036 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30041 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30044 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30045 Does anybody know where it goes,
30046 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30048 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30052 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30053 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30054 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30055 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30056 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30057 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30058 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30059 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30061 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30062 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30063 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30064 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30066 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30067 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30068 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30070 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30072 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30073 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30074 -- Dennie van Tassel
30076 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30077 this little hole in the bottom ...
30080 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30082 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30085 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30088 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30091 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30094 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30097 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30098 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30100 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30102 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30105 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30108 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30111 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30115 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30118 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30120 I've only got 12 cards.
30122 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
30123 -- Senator Claghorn
30125 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30126 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30127 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30128 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30129 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30130 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30132 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30133 And from that full meridian of my glory
30134 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30135 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30136 And no man see me more.
30139 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30140 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30141 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30143 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30144 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30145 legislature is in session.
30149 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30150 ones; the meek the girls(the
30151 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30152 all except the cold ones; the slim
30153 ones plump tiny tall)
30158 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30160 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30161 all except ones; the mean
30162 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30164 except the green ones
30167 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30168 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30171 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30172 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30173 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30175 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30176 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30177 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30178 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30179 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30180 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30181 television?" and "Good night".
30182 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30186 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30187 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30188 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30189 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30190 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30192 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30199 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30201 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30202 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30204 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30205 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30208 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30209 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30210 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30212 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30213 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30214 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30216 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30217 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30218 to you. You gonna pay it?
30221 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30222 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30225 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30227 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30230 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30231 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30232 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30233 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30234 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30235 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30236 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30237 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30238 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30240 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30243 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30245 John Dame May Oscar
30246 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30247 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30248 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30251 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30253 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30255 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30256 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30257 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30258 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30259 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30260 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30261 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30262 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30263 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30265 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30266 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30267 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30268 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30270 Johnson's First Law:
30271 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30272 most inconvenient possible time.
30275 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30277 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30278 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30280 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30281 exciting people, and kill them.
30283 Join the march to save individuality!
30285 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30286 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30289 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30290 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30291 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30292 importance of their original contribution.
30295 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30298 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30301 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30302 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30304 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30305 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30306 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30307 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30308 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30309 yourself as wide as the sky.
30311 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30314 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30316 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30317 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30318 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30320 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30321 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30322 someone else's cash.
30323 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30325 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30328 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30329 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30330 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30332 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30333 6: It matches my eyes.
30334 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30335 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30336 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30337 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30338 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30339 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30341 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30342 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30343 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30344 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30345 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30346 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30347 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30348 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30349 She helped me with my suitcase,
30350 She stands before my eyes,
30351 Driving me to the airport
30352 And to the friendly skies.
30353 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30355 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30356 (and nobody cares about it).
30357 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30359 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
30360 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
30361 daydreams about women.
30362 -- George Bernard Shaw
30364 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
30365 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
30366 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
30367 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
30368 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
30369 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
30370 sense of respect for the whole truth.
30371 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30373 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30376 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30378 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30382 Just because the message may never be
30383 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30385 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
30386 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30388 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30390 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30393 Just because your doctor has a name for your
30394 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
30396 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30398 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30399 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
30400 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30402 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30404 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30405 get a prompt, type like hell.
30407 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30408 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30409 about his or her love affairs.
30412 Just machines to make big decisions,
30413 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30414 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30415 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30416 What a beautiful world this will be,
30417 What a glorious time to be free.
30418 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30420 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30421 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30422 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
30424 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30425 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30426 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30428 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30431 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30432 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30434 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30435 As he landed his crew with care;
30436 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30437 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30439 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30440 That alone should encourage the crew.
30441 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30442 What I tell you three times is true.'
30443 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30445 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30446 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30449 Just to have it is enough.
30451 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30452 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30453 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30455 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30457 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30460 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30461 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30462 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30463 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30465 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30466 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30467 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30468 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30469 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30470 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30472 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30473 -- Michael J. Wagner
30475 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30479 A decision in your favor.
30481 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30482 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30483 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30484 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30485 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30488 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30489 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30491 Kamikazes do it once.
30494 Where the men are men and so are the women!
30496 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
30499 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
30501 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
30502 package of snack food.
30504 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
30506 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
30509 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
30510 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
30512 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
30515 Men and nations will act rationally when
30516 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
30518 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
30519 exhausted all other alternatives.
30522 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
30523 Population density is inversely proportional
30524 to the square of the distance from the keg.
30527 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
30528 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
30530 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
30533 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
30535 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
30536 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
30537 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
30538 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
30539 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
30540 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
30542 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
30543 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
30545 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
30547 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
30549 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
30550 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
30551 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
30552 force is technically termed "car suck").
30553 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
30555 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
30556 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
30557 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
30558 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
30559 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
30560 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
30561 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
30562 in the head and knock you silly.
30564 Keep it short for pithy sake.
30566 Keep on keepin' on.
30568 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
30569 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
30572 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
30575 Keep the phase, baby.
30577 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
30579 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
30580 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
30581 at the end of six months.
30584 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
30586 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
30587 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
30588 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
30589 Your Feet on the Ground,
30590 Your Head on your Shoulders.
30591 Now... try to get something DONE!
30593 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
30594 -- Benjamin Franklin
30596 Keep your laws off my body!
30598 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
30599 Open it and you remove all doubt.
30601 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
30602 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
30603 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
30604 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
30605 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
30608 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
30609 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
30610 you've got to go broke.
30613 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
30616 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
30617 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
30618 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
30621 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
30622 traditions of sorcery and black art.
30624 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
30625 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
30626 and parking for the faculty.
30628 Kettering's Observation:
30629 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
30631 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
30633 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
30634 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
30635 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
30636 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
30637 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
30638 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
30639 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
30641 Kill a commy for your mommy.
30643 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
30645 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
30650 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
30655 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30659 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30660 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30663 An affliction of the blood
30665 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30668 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30671 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30672 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30673 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30676 Kinkler's First Law:
30677 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30679 Kinkler's Second Law:
30680 All the easy problems have been solved.
30682 Kirk to Enterprise...
30684 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30686 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30687 any of its streets.
30689 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30691 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30692 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30694 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30696 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30698 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30700 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30702 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30705 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30706 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30707 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30709 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30710 Butter up a friend.
30712 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30713 -- Winston Churchill
30715 Klatu barada nikto.
30717 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30719 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30723 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30725 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30726 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30728 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30729 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30732 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30734 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30737 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30738 causes of statistics.
30740 Knights are hardly worth it.
30741 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30747 Sam and Janet Evening...
30749 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30752 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30753 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30754 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30755 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30756 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30758 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30759 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30760 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30761 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30762 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30763 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30764 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30765 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30766 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30767 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30769 Knocked, you weren't in.
30772 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30780 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30782 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30786 Things you believe.
30788 Knowledge is power.
30791 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30792 -- Aleister Crowley
30794 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30796 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30797 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30798 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30799 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30800 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30803 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30805 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30806 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30807 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30810 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30811 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30812 From mud slides to brush fires.
30815 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30816 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30818 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30820 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30821 -- George Bernard Shaw
30826 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30828 Lactomangulation, n.:
30829 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30830 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30831 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30833 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30835 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30836 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30837 I come before you to stand behind you
30838 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30839 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30840 There will be a convention held in the
30841 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30842 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30843 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30844 It was a summer's day in winter,
30845 And the snow was raining fast,
30846 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30847 Stood sitting in the grass.
30848 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30849 Two dead men got up to fight.
30850 Three blind men to see fair play,
30851 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30852 Back to back, they faced each other,
30853 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30854 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30855 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30857 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30858 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30859 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30860 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30861 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30863 -- Billie Jean King
30865 Lady, lady, should you meet
30866 One whose ways are all discreet,
30867 One who murmurs that his wife
30868 Is the lodestar of his life,
30869 One who keeps assuring you
30870 That he never was untrue,
30871 Never loved another one...
30872 Lady, lady, better run!
30873 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30875 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30876 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30879 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30881 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30883 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30884 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30885 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30887 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30888 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30889 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30890 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30891 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30892 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30893 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30894 you would pin this on your white meat."
30897 Look to your stern!
30898 Your house is on fire,
30899 Your children will burn!
30900 So jump ye and sing, for
30901 The very first time
30902 The four lines above
30903 Have been put into rhyme.
30906 Laetrile is the pits.
30908 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30909 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30911 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30913 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30915 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30916 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30917 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30918 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30919 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30921 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30924 (1) Everything depends.
30925 (2) Nothing is always.
30926 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30928 Language is a virus from another planet.
30929 -- William Burroughs
30931 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30932 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30933 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30937 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30938 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30939 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30940 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30941 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30943 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30944 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30947 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30948 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30949 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30950 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30951 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30952 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30953 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30954 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30955 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30958 All laws are basically false.
30963 Last guys don't finish nice.
30964 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30966 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30967 the pillow was gone.
30970 Last night I met upon the stair
30971 A little man who wasn't there.
30972 He wasn't there again today.
30973 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30975 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30976 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30979 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30980 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30982 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30984 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30985 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30986 I don't remember what it was.
30989 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30991 Latin is a language,
30993 First it killed the Romans,
30994 And now it's killing me.
30996 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30998 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31000 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31002 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31004 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31006 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31008 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31012 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31014 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31015 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31017 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31018 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31019 -- Richard M. Nixon
31021 Law of Communications:
31022 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31023 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31024 area of misunderstanding.
31027 Experiments should be reproducible.
31028 They should all fail the same way.
31030 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31031 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31033 Law of Selective Gravity:
31034 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31036 Jenning's Corollary:
31037 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31038 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31041 He who hesitates is lunch.
31044 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31046 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31047 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31049 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31051 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31053 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31054 -- Otto von Bismarck
31056 Laws of Computer Programming:
31057 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31058 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31059 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31060 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31061 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31062 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31063 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31064 the programmer who must maintain it.
31066 Laws of Serendipity:
31068 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31070 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31071 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31074 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31078 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31079 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31080 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31082 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31085 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31088 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31091 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31092 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31093 Is to keep the lightning out.
31094 But what these unobservant birds
31095 Have failed to notice is that herds
31096 Of bears may come with buns
31097 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31099 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31100 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31101 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31104 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31106 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31107 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31108 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31109 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31111 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31113 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31115 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31117 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31120 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31121 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31122 quicker you can do it.
31124 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31125 everything else follows in the same way.
31128 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31129 thought without learning is perilous.
31132 Leave no stone unturned.
31136 Mother said there would be days like this,
31137 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31139 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31141 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31144 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31145 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31146 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31147 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31151 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31152 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31154 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31155 Proof (by induction):
31156 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31157 horses in that set are the same color.
31158 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31159 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31160 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31161 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31162 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31163 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31164 horses are the same color.
31165 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31166 Proof (by intimidation):
31167 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31168 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31169 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31170 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31171 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31172 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31173 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31174 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31176 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31178 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31180 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31182 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31183 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31184 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31185 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31187 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31188 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31189 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31190 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31192 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31193 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31194 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31195 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31196 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31199 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31201 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31204 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31206 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31207 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31209 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31210 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31214 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31215 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31216 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31217 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31218 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31219 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31220 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31221 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31222 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31223 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31224 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31225 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31226 If this be error and upon me proved,
31227 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31228 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31230 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31232 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31233 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31235 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31236 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31237 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31238 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31239 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31240 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31241 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31242 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31246 Let my own body be exhausted,
31247 But not the wealth of my state.
31248 Let my mortal body vanish,
31249 But not the power of my state.
31250 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31252 Let no guilty man escape.
31255 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31257 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31258 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31260 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31263 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31264 -- "The Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Plauger
31266 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31269 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31270 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31272 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31273 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31276 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31277 -- Benjamin Franklin
31279 Let us go then you and I
31280 while the night is laid out against the sky
31281 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31283 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31286 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31287 The muttering retreats
31288 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31289 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31290 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31291 Of insidious intent
31292 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31293 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31294 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31298 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31302 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31303 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31306 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31307 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31310 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31312 Let us treat men and women well;
31313 Treat them as if they were real;
31315 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31317 Let your conscience be your guide.
31321 [The state, that's me.]
31324 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31326 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31327 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31328 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
31329 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
31330 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
31331 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
31332 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31334 Let's love each other slowly,
31335 reaching for a plane,
31336 of exquisite pleasure,
31340 Let's not complicate our relationship
31341 by trying to communicate with each other.
31343 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31345 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31348 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
31349 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
31350 Anguish. You would sue:
31352 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31353 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31354 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31357 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31358 cretin like yourself.
31360 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31361 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31362 a large cash settlement anyway.
31365 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31366 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31367 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31368 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31369 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31370 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31371 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31372 It's not his money.
31373 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31375 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31379 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31380 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31381 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31382 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31383 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31384 agricultural industry.
31387 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31391 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31392 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31394 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31396 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31397 The first piece of luggage out of the
31398 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
31400 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31404 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31405 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31407 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31411 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31413 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31414 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31415 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31417 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31418 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31420 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31421 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31423 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31424 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
31425 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
31426 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31428 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31429 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31430 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31431 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31432 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31435 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31436 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31437 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31438 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31442 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31443 discovered to date.
31446 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31448 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31452 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31455 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31458 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31460 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31462 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31463 -- Miss November, 1966
31465 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31468 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31470 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31471 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31473 Life exists for no known purpose.
31475 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31476 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31477 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31478 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31481 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31482 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31483 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31485 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31486 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
31489 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
31490 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
31492 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
31493 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
31494 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
31495 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
31498 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
31500 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
31501 A medley of extemporania;
31502 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
31503 And I am Marie of Roumania.
31504 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
31506 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
31509 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
31511 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
31513 -- Charles Baudelaire
31515 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
31518 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
31519 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
31522 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
31524 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
31526 Life is an exciting business, and most
31527 exciting when it is lived for others.
31529 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
31531 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
31533 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
31535 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
31536 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
31538 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
31540 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
31542 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
31544 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
31547 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
31548 eat it nevertheless.
31551 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
31553 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
31555 Life is like a sewer.
31556 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
31559 Life is like a simile.
31561 Life is like a tin of sardines.
31562 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
31563 -- Beyond the Fringe
31565 Life is like an analogy
31567 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
31568 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
31570 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
31571 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
31574 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
31575 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
31578 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
31579 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
31580 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
31582 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
31583 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
31585 Life is not for everyone.
31587 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
31588 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
31590 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
31593 Life is the living you do,
31594 Death is the living you don't do.
31597 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
31599 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
31601 Life is too important to take seriously.
31604 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
31607 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
31610 Life is wasted on the living.
31611 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
31613 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
31614 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
31616 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
31619 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
31621 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31623 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
31624 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
31626 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
31627 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
31628 -- Dag Hammarskjold
31630 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
31631 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
31632 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
31633 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
31635 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
31636 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
31637 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
31638 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
31639 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
31640 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
31642 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
31645 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
31646 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
31648 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
31651 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
31652 weren't for other people.
31655 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
31658 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
31659 -- George Bernard Shaw
31661 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
31663 Lift every voice and sing
31664 Till earth and heaven ring,
31665 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31666 Let our rejoicing rise
31667 High as the listening skies,
31668 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31670 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31671 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31672 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31673 Let us march on till victory is won.
31674 -- James Weldon Johnson
31676 Lighten up, while you still can,
31677 Don't even try to understand,
31678 Just find a place to make your stand,
31680 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31683 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31684 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31687 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31689 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31690 the difference between one young woman and another.
31691 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31693 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31694 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31695 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31696 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31697 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31698 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31699 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31700 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31702 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31703 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31704 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31706 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31707 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31708 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31709 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31711 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31712 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31713 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31714 worst possible novel.
31716 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31717 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31718 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31719 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31720 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31721 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31722 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31723 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31724 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31725 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31726 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31727 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31728 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31729 You know I can't think straight no more
31730 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31731 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31732 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31734 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31735 weren't so damned great!
31736 -- Armistead Maupin
31738 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31739 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31740 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31741 like the Rolling Stones?
31742 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31743 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31745 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31746 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31747 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31748 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31749 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31753 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31755 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31756 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31757 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31759 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31760 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31763 Like the time I ran away...
31764 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31765 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31767 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31769 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31770 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31771 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31772 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31773 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31774 -- Senior Year Quote
31776 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31777 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31779 Q -- Is there life after death?
31780 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31781 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31782 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31783 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31784 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31785 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31786 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31787 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31788 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31791 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31792 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31793 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31795 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31796 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31798 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31799 Kennedy in November 1960.
31801 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31803 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31806 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31807 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31809 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31810 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31812 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31813 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31815 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
31817 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31819 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31820 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31822 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31823 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31826 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31827 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31828 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31829 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31831 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31832 Maybe we should think only about today.
31834 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31838 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31840 Lions in the street and roaming,
31841 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31842 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31843 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31845 Went down south across the border,
31846 Left the chaos and disorder
31847 Back there, over his shoulder.
31848 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31849 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31850 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31851 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31852 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31855 To call a spade a thpade.
31857 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31858 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31859 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31863 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31865 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31866 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31867 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31868 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31869 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31870 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31871 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31872 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31873 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31874 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31875 a panacea so alleged.
31876 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31877 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31878 facing up to the recession?"
31880 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31881 is the other way round.
31882 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31885 -- Ronald Macdonald
31888 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31889 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31890 Has brush'd away. And the want
31891 Of thought is death,
31893 A fly like thee? Then am I
31894 Or art not thou A happy fly
31895 A man like me? If I live
31900 Till some blind hand
31901 Shall brush my wing.
31902 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31904 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31907 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31908 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31910 Little Known Facts, #23:
31911 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31912 the BMW repair garage?
31914 Little Mary on the ice,
31915 Went out to have a frisk,
31916 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31919 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31920 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31922 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31925 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31927 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31929 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31930 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31931 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31933 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31936 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31937 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31938 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31940 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31941 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31943 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31944 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31946 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31949 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31950 to want things that nobody else wants.
31953 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31954 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31956 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31957 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31960 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31962 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31963 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31964 Don't you envy people who
31965 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31967 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31968 -- Henry David Thoreau
31970 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31971 interest rates, we don't need it."
31974 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31975 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31976 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31977 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31978 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31979 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31980 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31981 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31982 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31983 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31984 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31985 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31986 you and your friends will be, too.
31987 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31988 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31990 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31991 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31992 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31994 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31997 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31999 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32001 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32003 Logicians have but ill defined
32004 As rational the human kind.
32005 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32006 But let them prove it if they can.
32007 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32011 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32014 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32015 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32016 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32017 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32018 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32019 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32020 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32021 Bulletin Board System).
32023 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32024 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32025 -- '80 Microcomputing
32027 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32029 Lonely is a man without love.
32030 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32032 Lonely men seek companionship.
32033 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32040 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32042 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32044 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32045 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32046 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32047 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32049 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32051 Long life is in store for you.
32053 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32054 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32055 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32056 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32058 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32060 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32062 Look at it this way:
32063 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32064 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32065 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32067 Look at it this way:
32068 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32069 forget $26,000 of college education.
32070 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32072 Look before you leap.
32078 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32080 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32081 to pay income taxes, too?
32082 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32084 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32085 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32089 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32090 -- Stephen Sondheim
32092 Loose bits sink chips.
32094 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32095 -- Charles D'Hericault
32097 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32098 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32100 Losing your drivers' license is just
32101 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32103 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32104 Answers to electric can opener.
32106 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32108 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32110 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32113 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32114 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32116 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32119 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32120 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32122 Fine little girl she waits for me
32123 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32124 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32125 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32126 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32127 I smell the rose in her hair
32128 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32129 It won't be long, me see my love
32130 I take her in my arms and then
32131 Me tell her I never leave again
32132 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32135 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32138 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32141 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32142 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32145 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32148 When you don't want someone too close--
32149 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32152 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32154 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32156 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32158 Love America - or give it back.
32160 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32162 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32163 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32165 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32168 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32169 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32171 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32172 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32173 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32175 Love is a grave mental disease.
32178 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32181 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32182 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32183 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32185 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32186 Hate is a word that is not.
32187 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32188 Love, I have read, is hot.
32189 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32190 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32191 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32192 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32195 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32196 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32197 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32199 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32200 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32203 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32206 Love is being stupid together.
32209 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32210 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32211 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32213 Love is in the offing.
32214 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32216 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32218 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32219 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32220 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32224 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32225 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32227 Love is never asking why?
32229 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32231 Love is sentimental measles.
32233 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32235 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32236 raises some pretty good questions.
32239 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32242 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32243 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32244 -- Charles Baudelaire
32246 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32249 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32252 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32255 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32257 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32260 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32262 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32263 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32265 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32268 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32269 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32271 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32273 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32274 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32276 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32277 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32279 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32281 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32282 -- Krainian Proverb
32284 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32286 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32289 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32291 Love to eat them mousies,
32292 Mousies I love to eat.
32293 Bite they little heads off,
32294 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32297 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32298 seized this one for the fair form
32299 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32300 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32301 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32302 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32303 Love brought us to one death.
32304 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32306 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
32307 trying to figure out what you're up to.
32309 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32310 -- Benjamin Franklin
32313 If it jams -- force it. If it
32314 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32316 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32318 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32319 There's always one more bug.
32321 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32322 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32323 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32324 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32325 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32326 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32328 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32331 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32335 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32336 lighter -- both of which work.
32338 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32340 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32341 Can't you be serious for once?
32342 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32343 of the more important things in life!
32347 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32348 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32350 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32351 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32353 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32356 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32358 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32360 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32362 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32363 Does not run on any existing machine.
32365 Machine-independent program:
32366 A program that will not run on any machine.
32368 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32369 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32372 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32375 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32379 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32381 Macho does not prove mucho.
32385 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32386 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32388 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
32389 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32393 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32395 Madness takes its toll.
32398 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32399 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32400 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32401 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32402 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32403 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32404 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32405 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32406 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32407 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32408 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32409 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32410 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32411 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32412 entire nodal aggravations.
32413 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32415 Magary's Principle:
32416 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32417 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32418 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32420 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32422 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32424 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32426 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32427 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32428 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32430 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32433 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32435 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32438 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32439 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32440 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32443 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32446 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32447 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32448 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32449 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32450 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32451 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32452 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32453 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32456 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32457 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32458 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32459 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32462 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32463 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32466 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32467 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32468 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32469 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32472 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32474 Maintainer's Motto:
32475 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32477 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32478 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
32479 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
32482 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
32484 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32486 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32488 Secondary Conclusion:
32489 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
32490 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
32492 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
32495 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32497 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32500 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
32504 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
32506 Make a wish, it might come true.
32508 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
32510 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
32512 Make it right before you make it faster.
32514 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
32515 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
32517 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
32519 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
32521 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
32522 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
32523 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
32524 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
32525 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
32528 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
32531 The reason surgeons wear masks.
32533 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
32536 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
32538 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
32540 Man and wife make one fool.
32542 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
32543 -- Wernher von Braun
32545 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
32546 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
32547 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
32548 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
32549 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
32550 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32552 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
32555 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
32557 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
32560 Man is a military animal,
32561 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
32564 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
32565 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
32568 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
32569 no dog exchanges bones with another.
32572 Man is by nature a political animal.
32575 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
32576 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
32577 -- Wernher von Braun
32579 Man is the measure of all things.
32582 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
32585 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
32586 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
32587 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
32589 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
32590 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
32591 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
32594 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
32595 -- Arthur R. Miller
32598 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
32599 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
32600 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
32601 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
32602 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
32603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32605 Man proposes, God disposes.
32608 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
32612 Man who arrives at party two hours late
32613 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
32615 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
32617 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
32619 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
32621 Man will never fly.
32622 Space travel is merely a dream.
32623 All aspirin is alike.
32625 Management: How many feet do mice have?
32626 Reply: Mice have four feet.
32628 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
32629 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
32630 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
32631 M: What? Feet with no legs?
32632 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
32633 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
32634 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
32635 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
32636 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
32637 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
32638 is not equipped with a foot.
32639 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
32640 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
32641 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
32642 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
32643 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
32644 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
32645 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
32646 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
32647 ornamental in nature.
32648 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
32649 R: Mice have four feet.
32652 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
32655 A man known for giving great meeting.
32657 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
32658 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
32659 don't think, right?"
32663 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
32666 Easy glum, easy glow.
32668 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32671 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32672 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32673 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32674 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32677 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32678 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32679 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32682 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32685 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32687 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32689 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32690 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32691 -- Sydney J. Harris
32694 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32695 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32696 you need is in the others.
32699 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32702 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32704 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32705 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32706 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32708 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32709 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32710 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32712 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32713 can easily support two or more.
32715 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32716 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32717 -- George D. Prentice
32719 Many are called, few are chosen.
32720 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32722 Many are called, few volunteer.
32724 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32726 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32728 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32729 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32730 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32731 their data processing systems.
32732 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32734 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32735 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32736 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32737 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32738 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32739 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32741 Many hands make light work.
32744 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32746 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32747 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32748 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32749 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32750 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32751 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32752 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32753 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32754 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32755 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32756 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32758 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32759 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32760 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32762 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32763 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32764 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32766 Many pages make a thick book.
32768 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32771 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32772 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32774 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32776 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32778 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32780 Many people feel that if you won't let
32781 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32783 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32784 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32786 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32788 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32789 -- Bertrand Russell
32791 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32793 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32796 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
32797 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32798 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32799 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
32802 Margaret, are you grieving
32803 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32804 Leaves, like the things of man,
32805 You, with your fresh thoughts
32807 Ah! as the heart grows older
32808 It will come to such sights colder
32809 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32810 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32811 And yet you will weep and know why.
32812 Now no matter, child, the name
32813 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32814 It is the blight man was born for,
32815 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32816 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32820 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32821 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32823 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32824 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32826 Rose, any color: Love
32827 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32828 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32829 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32830 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32831 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32832 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32833 Rosemary: Remembrance
32834 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32835 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32836 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32837 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32838 Violet, white: Modesty
32839 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32840 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32842 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32844 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32845 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32846 it in order to protect themselves.
32849 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32850 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32851 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32854 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32855 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32856 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32861 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32862 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32865 Marriage causes dating problems.
32867 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32870 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32872 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32873 not ready for an institution yet.
32876 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32877 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32880 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32882 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32883 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32886 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32887 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32889 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32890 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32892 -- George Jean Nathan
32894 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32896 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32897 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32899 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32902 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
32903 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
32906 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32909 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32910 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32912 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32917 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32920 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32922 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32923 connected by a thin strand.
32925 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32926 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32928 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32929 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32930 territory from invasion by another group."
32932 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32933 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32935 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32936 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32937 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32939 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32940 -- George Bernard Shaw
32942 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32943 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32945 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32946 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32947 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32948 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32949 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32950 named a drink Fred?"
32952 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32953 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32955 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32956 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32957 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32958 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32959 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32960 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32961 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32962 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32963 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32964 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32965 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32966 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32970 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32972 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32973 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32975 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32978 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32979 you treat everything like a nail.
32981 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32982 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32984 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32986 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32987 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32990 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32991 -- Christopher Hampton
32993 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32996 Mater artium necessitas.
32997 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32999 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33002 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33003 Please, don't drink and derive.
33010 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33014 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33016 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
33017 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33018 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33020 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33021 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33023 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33026 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33029 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33031 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33032 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33035 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33036 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33039 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33040 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33041 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33042 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33043 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33044 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33045 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33046 -- Bertrand Russell
33048 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33050 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33052 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33053 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33055 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33057 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33058 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33059 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33062 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33066 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33068 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33069 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33071 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33073 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33075 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33077 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33079 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33081 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33083 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33084 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33085 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33087 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33089 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33091 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33093 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33094 a full moon on a dark night,
33095 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33097 May you live in uninteresting times.
33100 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33102 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33104 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33105 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33107 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33108 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33111 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33114 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33115 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33118 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
33120 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33121 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33122 had to seek professional help.
33124 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33125 these days you can certainly charge it.
33128 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33129 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33131 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33133 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33134 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33135 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33137 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33138 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33142 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33143 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33146 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33147 just like everyone else.
33149 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33150 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33151 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33152 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33153 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33154 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33155 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33156 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33157 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33158 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33159 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33160 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33161 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33162 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33163 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33164 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33165 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33166 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33168 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33169 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33170 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33171 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33172 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33173 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33174 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33175 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33176 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33177 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33178 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33179 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33180 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33181 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33184 Measure twice, cut once.
33186 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33189 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33191 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33194 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33195 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33198 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33200 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33201 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33202 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33206 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33207 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33210 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33211 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33214 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33215 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33216 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33217 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33219 I guess some things never leave you.
33220 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
33222 Memory fault -- brain fried
33224 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33226 Memory fault - where am I?
33228 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33230 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33233 Men are superior to women.
33236 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33239 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33240 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33243 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33246 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33247 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33250 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33251 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33254 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33256 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33258 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33259 from religious conviction.
33260 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
33262 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33265 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33266 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33267 -- Winston Churchill
33269 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33270 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33272 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33274 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33275 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33277 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33278 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33279 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33280 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33281 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33282 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33283 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
33285 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33288 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33290 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33292 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33293 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33295 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33296 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33299 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33300 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
33301 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
33302 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33303 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33305 Men who cherish for women the highest
33306 respect are seldom popular with them.
33309 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33310 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33312 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33313 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33314 cork makes when it is popped.
33316 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33317 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33319 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33320 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33321 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33322 can never hope to acquire it.
33324 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
33326 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33327 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33328 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33331 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33332 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33336 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33339 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33342 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33344 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33346 Message will arrive in the mail.
33347 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33350 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33351 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33353 Metermaids eat their young.
33355 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33356 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33357 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33358 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33359 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33360 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33361 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33362 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33363 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33364 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33365 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33366 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33367 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33368 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33369 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33370 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33371 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33372 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33373 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33374 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33375 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33376 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33377 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33378 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33379 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33380 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33381 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33382 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33384 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33390 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33392 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33394 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33395 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33397 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33399 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33401 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
33402 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33405 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33406 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33408 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33411 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33413 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33415 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33418 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33422 Lose a few, lose a few.
33425 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33427 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
33428 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33431 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
33432 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
33433 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
33434 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
33435 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
33436 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
33437 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
33438 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
33439 the gold and the black.
33440 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33442 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
33443 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
33444 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
33445 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
33446 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
33447 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
33449 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33451 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33454 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33458 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33459 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33460 come fall in love with a loon.
33461 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33462 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33463 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33464 where the elite meet sleet.
33465 glove it or leave it.
33466 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33467 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33468 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33470 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33472 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33473 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
33476 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
33478 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
33481 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
33483 Misery no longer loves company.
33484 Nowadays it insists on it.
33488 The kind of fortune that never misses.
33489 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33491 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
33494 A title with which we brand unmarried
33495 women to indicate that they are in the market.
33496 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33498 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
33500 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
33503 The Georgia Tech of the North
33505 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
33506 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
33507 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
33509 Mittsquinter, adj.:
33510 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
33511 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
33512 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33514 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
33515 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
33519 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
33520 With five empty seats.
33523 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
33524 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
33526 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
33528 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
33529 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
33530 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
33531 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
33534 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
33535 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
33536 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
33537 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
33538 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
33539 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
33540 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
33541 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
33542 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
33544 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
33548 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
33549 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
33551 Moderation in all things.
33552 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
33554 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
33557 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
33558 themselves that they have a better idea.
33561 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
33563 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
33564 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
33565 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
33566 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
33567 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
33568 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
33569 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
33570 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
33571 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
33572 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
33573 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
33574 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
33577 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
33579 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
33582 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
33583 not to be aware of it.
33586 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
33587 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
33589 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
33591 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
33592 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
33594 Moebius always does it on the same side.
33596 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
33598 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
33599 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
33600 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
33602 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
33603 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
33604 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
33605 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
33606 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
33607 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
33608 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
33609 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
33610 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
33611 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
33612 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
33613 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
33616 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
33617 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
33618 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
33619 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
33620 the atom in that it is an ion...
33621 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33623 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
33624 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
33625 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
33628 What you give a person when they are going away.
33630 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
33633 When they finally do have to take you to the
33634 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
33636 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
33639 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
33640 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33643 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
33644 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33646 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
33648 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33650 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
33654 but is excellent kindling.
33656 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
33657 Is a keen observer of life,
33658 The word intellectual suggests right away
33659 A man who's untrue to his wife.
33660 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33662 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33663 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33666 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33667 -- Christopher Marlowe
33669 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33672 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33675 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33677 Money is its own reward.
33679 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33681 Money is the root of all wealth.
33683 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33686 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33687 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33689 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33691 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33692 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33694 Money will say more in one moment than
33695 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33697 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33700 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33704 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33707 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33710 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33712 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33713 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33714 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33715 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33718 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33719 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33722 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33723 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33726 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33728 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33731 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33732 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33736 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33739 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33741 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33743 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33744 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33745 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33746 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33747 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33748 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33749 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33750 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33751 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33753 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33754 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33755 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33756 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33758 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33759 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33760 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33761 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33763 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33764 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33765 I just want to win one little lottery."
33766 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33767 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33770 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33772 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33773 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33774 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33776 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33777 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33778 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33781 The state bird of New Jersey.
33783 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33785 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33786 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33787 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33788 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33789 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33790 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33791 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33792 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33793 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33794 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33795 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33798 Most folks they like the daytime,
33799 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33800 They're up in the morning,
33801 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33802 But when the sun goes down,
33803 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33805 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33806 and one of them is always night.
33807 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33808 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33809 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33810 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33812 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33815 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33818 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33819 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33821 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33822 difficulties before we get to them.
33825 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33826 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33827 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33828 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33829 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33830 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33831 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33832 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33833 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33834 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33836 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33838 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33840 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33841 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33842 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33846 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33848 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33852 Most people deserve each other.
33855 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33856 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33858 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33861 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33863 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33864 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33865 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33868 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33870 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33871 a good reason, and the real reason.
33873 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33874 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33877 Most people need some of their problems
33878 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33880 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33882 Most people want either less corruption
33883 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33885 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33886 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33888 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33890 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33892 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33893 can't talk for people who can't read.
33896 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33898 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33904 Mother Earth is not flat!
33906 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33909 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33911 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33914 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
33916 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33917 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33920 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33921 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33922 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33924 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33926 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33928 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33932 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33933 population is growing.
33935 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33936 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33937 shirts but they're going back.
33939 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33940 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33942 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33943 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33944 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33946 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33947 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33950 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33951 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33952 wrong, "Up to a point."
33953 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33954 Yokohama isn't it?"
33955 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33956 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33957 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33958 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33960 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33963 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33964 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33967 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33968 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33969 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33971 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33972 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33973 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33975 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33976 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33977 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33978 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33979 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33981 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33982 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33983 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33984 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33985 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33986 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33987 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33988 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33990 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33992 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33993 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33994 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33995 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33996 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33997 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33998 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33999 as much fun to watch.
34000 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34003 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34005 Mummy dust to make me old;
34006 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34007 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34008 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34009 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34010 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34011 Now begin thy magic spell!
34012 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34015 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34017 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34018 -- Xaviera Hollander
34020 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34022 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34023 talk about after dinner.
34024 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34026 Murphy was an optimist.
34028 Murphy's Discovery:
34029 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34030 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34031 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34034 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34036 Murphy's Law of Research:
34037 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34039 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34040 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34043 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34044 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34045 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34048 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34050 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34053 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34055 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34056 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34059 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34060 long it has become a science project.
34061 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34063 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34064 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34066 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34067 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34068 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34069 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34070 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34072 And you know two heads are better than one.
34074 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34075 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34076 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34077 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34078 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34079 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34080 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34081 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34082 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34083 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34084 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34085 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34087 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34089 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34091 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34092 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34094 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34095 The height of its contents to see!
34096 She lit a small match to assist her,
34097 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34099 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34100 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34101 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34102 a bulls-eye on the back.
34104 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34105 said, "So will you."
34106 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34108 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34111 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
34112 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34115 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34116 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34117 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34118 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34119 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34120 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34121 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34122 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34123 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34124 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34126 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34127 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34129 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34130 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34131 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34132 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34133 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34134 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34135 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34136 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34137 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34139 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34140 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34142 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34144 My darling wife was always glum.
34145 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34146 And so made sure that she would stay
34147 In better spirits night and day.
34149 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34150 Unless there are three other people.
34153 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34155 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34156 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34160 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34163 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34164 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34165 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34167 My father taught me three things:
34168 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34169 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34170 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34172 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34173 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34176 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34179 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34180 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34181 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34183 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34184 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34185 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34186 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34187 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34188 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34189 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34190 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34192 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34193 but they were there to meet the boat.
34195 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34196 later I can ask him what he meant.
34199 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34200 but always, always, he was right.
34202 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34203 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34204 back and dig her up.
34206 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34207 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34208 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34209 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34210 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34212 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34214 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34216 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34218 My interest is in the future because I am
34219 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34221 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34224 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34225 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34226 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34227 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34228 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34229 As the fragrance of acacia.
34230 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34231 And I wish he were in Asia.
34232 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34234 My love runs by like a day in June,
34235 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34236 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34237 In the pathway or the morrows.
34238 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34239 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34240 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34241 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34242 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34244 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34245 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34246 -- George Bernard Shaw
34248 My mind can never know my body, although
34249 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34250 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34252 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34255 My mother loved children -- she would
34256 have given anything if I had been one.
34259 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34260 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34261 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34262 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34264 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34268 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34269 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34270 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34271 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34273 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34274 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34275 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34276 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34279 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34281 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34282 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34284 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34285 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34286 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34288 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34290 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34293 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34294 And he cares not what comes after.
34295 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34296 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34297 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34298 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34299 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34300 And I wish I'd never met him.
34301 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34303 My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
34304 perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
34305 words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
34306 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34308 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34309 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34310 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34311 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34312 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34313 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34314 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34315 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34316 -- James A. Michener
34318 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34320 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34321 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34322 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34323 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34326 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34329 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34332 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34335 My rackets are run on strictly American
34336 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34339 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34340 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34341 with our frail and feeble mind.
34344 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34345 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34346 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34347 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34348 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34349 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34350 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34351 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34352 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34353 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34354 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34355 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34356 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34357 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34360 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34361 reason to limit myself.
34364 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34365 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34367 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34368 I do not like me anymore,
34369 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34370 I ponder on the narrow house
34371 I shudder at the thought of men
34372 I'm due to fall in love again.
34373 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34375 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34376 -- Christopher Morley
34378 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34381 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34382 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34385 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34387 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34388 -- Booth Tarkington
34391 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
34392 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34393 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34394 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34396 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34397 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34398 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34400 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34402 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34403 "So, how's your daughter?"
34404 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34405 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34406 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34407 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34410 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34412 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34415 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34418 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34421 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34423 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34425 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34426 -- The Mad Palindromist
34428 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34430 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34432 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34434 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34435 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34437 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34439 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
34440 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
34441 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
34444 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
34445 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
34446 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
34447 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
34448 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
34449 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
34450 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
34453 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
34454 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
34457 "Have you ever seen me before?"
34459 "Then how do you know it was me?"
34461 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
34463 "Why?", he was asked.
34464 "Because at night we need the light more."
34466 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
34467 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
34468 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
34469 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
34471 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
34473 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
34474 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
34475 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
34477 Natural laws have no pity.
34479 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
34480 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
34481 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
34482 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
34483 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
34484 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
34485 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
34489 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
34490 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
34491 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
34495 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
34496 -- Clare Booth Luce
34498 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
34500 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
34501 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
34503 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
34504 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
34506 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
34508 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
34510 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
34511 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
34514 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
34515 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
34518 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
34519 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
34520 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
34521 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
34522 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
34523 The solid power of understanding fails;
34524 Where beams of warm imagination play,
34525 The memory's soft figures melt away.
34526 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
34528 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
34531 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
34532 On the Rue des Ecoles
34535 Every evening I would see him
34536 guiding the dog along
34537 the sidewalk, keeping
34538 a firm grip on the leash
34539 so that the dog wouldn't
34540 run into a passerby
34541 Sometimes the dog would stop
34542 and look up at the sky
34544 noticed me watching the dog
34545 and he said, "Oh, yes,
34547 when the moon is out,
34548 he can feel it on his face"
34551 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
34552 want to test a man's character, give him power.
34555 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
34556 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
34559 Necessity has no law.
34562 Necessity hath no law.
34565 Necessity is a mother.
34567 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
34568 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
34569 -- Alfred North Whitehead
34571 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
34572 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
34573 -- William Pitt, 1783
34575 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
34578 Needs are a function of what other people have.
34580 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
34583 Neil Armstrong tripped.
34585 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
34587 Nemo me impune lacessit
34588 [No one provokes me with impunity]
34589 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
34592 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
34593 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
34594 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
34597 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
34601 Melancholia's blue.
34605 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
34606 Psychotics live in them,
34607 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
34609 Neutrinos are into physicists.
34611 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
34614 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
34615 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
34616 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
34618 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
34621 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
34622 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
34625 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
34627 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
34629 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
34631 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
34634 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
34635 Professionals built the Titanic.
34637 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
34639 Never buy from a rich salesman.
34642 Never buy what you do not want
34643 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
34644 -- Thomas Jefferson
34646 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
34648 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
34650 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
34652 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
34654 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
34658 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
34660 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
34661 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
34662 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
34663 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
34665 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
34667 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
34668 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
34669 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34671 Never eat more than you can lift.
34674 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34675 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34677 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34678 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34681 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34684 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34686 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34688 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34690 Never give an inch!
34692 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
34695 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34696 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34698 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34701 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34704 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34706 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34708 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34711 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34714 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34716 Never laugh at live dragons.
34719 Never leave anything to chance;
34720 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34722 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34725 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34726 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34728 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34730 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34731 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34733 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34736 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34738 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34739 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34741 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34743 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34745 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34747 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34748 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34750 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34752 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34754 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34756 Never promise more than you can perform.
34759 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34762 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34764 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34766 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34767 law against it by that time.
34769 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34773 Never reveal your best argument.
34775 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34777 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34779 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34781 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34784 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34786 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34788 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34790 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34791 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34792 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34793 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34796 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34798 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34799 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34800 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34802 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34805 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34807 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34809 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34811 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34814 Never trust an operating system.
34816 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34818 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34820 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34824 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34826 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34827 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34829 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34830 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34832 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34833 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34835 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34837 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34840 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34841 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34843 Never volunteer for anything.
34846 Never worry about theory as long as the
34847 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34848 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34851 Different color from previous model.
34853 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34855 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34857 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34858 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34860 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34861 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34863 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34864 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34867 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34868 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34869 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34871 New systems generate new problems.
34873 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34874 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34875 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34877 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34879 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34880 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34883 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34884 Flyin' in from London to your door
34885 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34886 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34888 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34890 New York's got the ways and means;
34891 Just won't let you be.
34892 -- The Grateful Dead
34895 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34896 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34898 Newman's Discovery:
34899 Your best dreams may not come true;
34900 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34903 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34904 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34909 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34910 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34913 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34917 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34919 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34920 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34922 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34923 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34925 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34928 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34930 Nice guys finish last.
34933 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34936 Nice guys get sick.
34938 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34939 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34941 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34943 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34944 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34945 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34947 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34949 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34950 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34951 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34952 but Americans call him by value.
34954 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34955 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34956 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34957 Three megs for system source;
34959 One disk to rule them all,
34960 One disk to bind them,
34961 One disk to hold the files
34962 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34964 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34965 And tapes without any tracks;
34966 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34967 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34968 Take hold of the tape
34969 And pull off the strip,
34970 And then you'll be sure
34971 Your tape drive will skip.
34973 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34975 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34978 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34979 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34982 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34983 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34984 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34986 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34987 that be and their friends hang out.
34990 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34991 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34992 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34993 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34995 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34998 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35000 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35002 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35003 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35006 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35010 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35011 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35013 No character, however upright, is a match for
35014 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35015 -- Alexander Hamilton
35017 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35018 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35019 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35020 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35022 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35023 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35024 effectively under such difficult conditions.
35025 -- Laurence J. Peter
35029 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35030 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35031 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35033 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35034 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35036 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35039 No evil can happen to a good man.
35042 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35045 No extensible language will be universal.
35048 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35049 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35052 No good deed goes unpunished.
35053 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35055 No group of professionals meets except to
35056 conspire against the public at large.
35059 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35060 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35061 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35065 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35066 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35069 No, his mind is not for rent
35070 To any god or government.
35071 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35072 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35075 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35077 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35078 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35079 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35081 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35082 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35084 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35085 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35086 and Telegraph Company.
35087 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35090 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35093 No job too big; no fee too big!
35094 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
35096 No line available at 300 baud.
35098 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35099 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35100 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35101 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35102 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35103 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35104 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35105 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35110 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35111 interest in hair restorers.
35114 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35116 -- Channing Pollock
35118 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35119 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35120 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35121 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35122 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35123 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35124 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35126 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35128 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35130 No man is useless who has a friend,
35131 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35132 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35134 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35137 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35138 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35141 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35142 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35145 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35146 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35147 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35151 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35153 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35155 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35156 signs of improvement.
35157 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35159 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35162 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35164 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35165 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35167 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35169 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35170 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35172 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35173 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35176 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35177 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35180 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35181 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35182 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35183 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35184 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35185 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35186 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35188 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35189 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35191 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35193 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35194 dirty little beast.
35197 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35198 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35200 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35202 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35204 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35206 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35207 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35209 No one knows like a woman how to say
35210 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35213 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35216 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35219 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35222 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35223 one who's giving it.
35226 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35227 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35229 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35230 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35234 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35235 For this isn't really the norm.
35236 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35237 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35239 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35240 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35241 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35242 Cast even more perils before swine.
35244 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35245 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35246 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35247 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35249 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35250 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35251 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35252 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35254 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35255 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35256 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35257 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35260 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35261 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35262 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35263 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35265 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35266 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35267 their wish has been granted.
35268 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35270 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35272 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35275 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35277 "No program is perfect,"
35278 They said with a shrug.
35279 "The customer's happy--
35280 What's one little bug?"
35282 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35283 The others went home. As year followed year.
35284 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35285 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35287 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35288 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35289 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35290 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35292 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35293 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35294 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35295 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35296 -- The Perfect Programmer
35298 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35299 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35300 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
35301 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
35302 indication-applied occurrence.
35305 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35307 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35308 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35311 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35312 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35315 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
35317 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35318 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35320 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35322 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35323 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35326 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35328 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35329 Finished his old Raven,
35330 then he started his Old Crow.
35332 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35335 No spitting on the Bus!
35336 Thank you, The Management.
35338 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35341 No two persons ever read the same book.
35344 No use getting too involved in life --
35345 you're only here for a limited time.
35347 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35350 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
35351 she will or will not be a mother.
35352 -- Margaret H. Sanger
35354 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35355 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
35357 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35358 him than he deserves.
35359 -- Edgar Watson Howe
35361 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35362 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35364 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35366 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35368 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
35369 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
35370 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
35371 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
35372 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
35373 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
35374 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
35375 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
35376 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
35377 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
35378 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
35379 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
35380 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
35381 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
35382 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
35383 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
35384 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
35385 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
35386 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
35387 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
35388 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
35391 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35393 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
35395 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35397 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35399 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35402 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35404 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35406 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35407 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35408 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35409 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35410 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35411 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35414 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35416 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35420 Everybody hates me,
35421 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35422 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35423 Eat their insides out,
35424 And throw way the skins.
35425 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35426 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35427 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35429 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35430 And then it's too late.
35432 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35435 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35436 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35437 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35439 Only Capone kills like that.
35440 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35442 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35443 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35445 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
35446 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
35447 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
35450 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35451 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35453 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35454 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35456 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35457 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35459 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35460 coming in late and lying about it.
35464 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35465 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35469 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35473 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35477 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35479 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35482 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35484 None love the bearer of bad news.
35487 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35488 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35489 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35490 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35491 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35492 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35493 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35494 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35495 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
35497 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
35498 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35499 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35501 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
35504 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
35507 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
35509 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
35511 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
35512 intentions. He had money as well.
35513 -- Margaret Thatcher
35515 Norm: Hey, everybody.
35516 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
35517 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
35519 How are you feeling today, Norm?
35520 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
35521 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
35523 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
35524 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
35526 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
35528 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
35529 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
35530 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
35532 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
35533 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
35535 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
35536 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
35537 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
35539 Coach: How's life, Norm?
35540 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
35541 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
35543 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
35545 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
35546 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
35547 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
35549 Coach: What's up, Normie?
35550 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
35551 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
35553 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
35555 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35557 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
35559 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
35560 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
35561 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
35562 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
35564 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
35565 Norm: Elope with my wife.
35566 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35568 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
35569 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
35570 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
35574 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
35575 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
35576 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35578 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
35579 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
35580 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
35581 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
35583 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
35584 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
35585 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
35587 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
35589 Coach: What's up, Norm?
35590 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
35591 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35593 Sam: What's new, Normie?
35594 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
35595 They're demanding beer.
35596 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
35598 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
35599 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
35600 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
35602 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
35603 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
35605 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
35607 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
35608 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
35609 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
35611 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
35612 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
35613 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
35614 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
35616 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
35618 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
35619 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
35620 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
35622 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
35624 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
35626 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
35628 Not all men who drink are poets.
35629 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
35631 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
35632 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
35634 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
35635 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
35637 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
35638 the capitalist mode of production.
35641 Not every question deserves an answer.
35643 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
35645 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
35646 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
35647 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
35648 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
35649 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
35650 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
35651 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
35652 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
35653 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
35654 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
35656 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
35659 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
35660 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
35661 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
35663 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
35664 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
35666 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
35669 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
35670 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
35671 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
35673 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
35676 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
35677 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
35678 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
35680 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
35681 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35682 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35683 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35684 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35685 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35686 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35687 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35688 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35689 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35690 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35691 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35692 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35693 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35695 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35697 Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35698 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35700 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35702 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35703 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35704 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35705 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35706 not to make any poultry jokes.
35709 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35710 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35712 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35715 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35717 Nothing endures but change.
35719 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35721 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35722 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35725 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35726 -- Winston Churchill
35728 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35729 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35732 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35734 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35736 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35737 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35738 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35740 Nothing is but what is not.
35742 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35744 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35746 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35747 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35749 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35751 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35754 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35757 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35758 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35761 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35763 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35764 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35765 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35767 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35768 -- Michel de Montaigne
35770 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35771 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35773 Nothing lasts forever.
35774 Where do I find nothing?
35776 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35778 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35779 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35782 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35785 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35786 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35788 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35789 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35790 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35791 which can be offered to a personality.
35792 -- Soren Kierkegaard
35794 Nothing recedes like success.
35797 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35798 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35801 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35804 Nothing succeeds like success.
35807 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35808 -- Christopher Lascl
35810 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35813 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35814 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35815 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35816 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35817 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35818 She got from trying to fight
35819 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35821 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35822 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35823 She said it before, she said it to me,
35824 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35825 But the same old four imaginary walls
35826 She'd built for livin' inside
35827 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35829 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35830 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35831 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35832 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35833 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35834 The veil that covered her eyes,
35835 I said oh, you can leave it.
35836 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35838 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35841 Nothing will ever be attempted
35842 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35846 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35847 be summarily put out.
35851 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35853 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35855 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
35856 French for "not enough food".
35858 Continental breakfast, n:
35859 English for "not enough food".
35862 Spanish for "not enough food".
35865 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35868 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35871 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35873 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35874 not better, just different.
35876 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35878 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35879 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35880 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35882 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35883 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35884 If he should stop before I wake,
35885 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35888 Now I lay me down to sleep
35889 I pray the double lock will keep;
35890 May no brick through the window break,
35891 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35893 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35894 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35895 If I should die before I wake,
35896 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35898 Now I lay me down to study,
35899 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35900 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35901 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35902 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35903 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35904 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35905 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35907 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35910 Now is the time for drinking;
35911 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35912 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35914 Now it's time to say goodbye
35915 To all our company...
35916 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35917 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35920 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35921 Twenty will not come again,
35922 And take from seventy springs a score,
35923 It leaves me only fifty more.
35925 And since to look at things in bloom
35926 Fifty springs are little room,
35927 About the woodlands I will go
35928 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35931 Now that day wearies me,
35933 Will receive more kindly,
35934 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35936 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35937 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35939 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35941 And my soul, unguarded,
35942 Would soar on widespread wings,
35943 To live in night's magical sphere
35944 More profoundly, more variously.
35945 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35947 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35948 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35949 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35950 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35952 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35953 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35954 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35955 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35956 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35957 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35958 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35960 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35962 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35963 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35964 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35965 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35967 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35968 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35969 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35971 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35972 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35975 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35977 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35980 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35981 the next freeway exit.
35983 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35984 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35985 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35986 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35987 We see him and he's all washed up --
35988 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35989 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35990 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35992 Death and Money make their point once more
35993 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35994 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35995 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35996 Have the courage of the here and now
35997 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35998 When you think you got it paid in full
35999 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36000 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36001 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36002 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36003 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36004 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
36006 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36007 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36008 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36009 Times, June 10, 1955.
36011 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36014 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
36017 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36018 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36019 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36021 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
36024 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36026 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36028 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36030 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36032 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36035 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36037 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36038 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36039 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36040 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36043 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36044 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36045 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36046 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36048 O! If I were a fish
36049 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36050 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36053 For fish don't ever mish;
36054 They needn't flush after they pish!
36055 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36056 For all the fish!!!
36059 Where the buffalo roam,
36060 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36061 Where seldom is heard
36062 A discouraging word,
36063 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36065 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36066 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36069 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36070 To use it like a giant.
36071 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36073 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36074 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36076 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36077 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36078 Might we not smash it to bits
36079 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36080 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
36084 Objects are lost only because people
36085 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36088 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36090 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36091 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36092 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36094 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36097 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36100 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36101 To activate its captivation,
36102 Deposit on its termination,
36103 A quantity of particles saline.
36105 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36107 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
36108 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36109 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36110 of the grandstands.
36112 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36115 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36116 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36119 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36120 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36121 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36122 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36123 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36124 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36127 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36128 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36130 Odets, where is thy sting?
36131 -- George S. Kaufman
36133 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36135 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36136 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36139 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36140 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36142 -- Thomas L. Martin
36144 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36147 Of all the words of witch's doom
36148 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36149 The man who kills both which and whom
36150 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36153 Of all things man is the measure.
36156 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36159 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36160 if you don't know them too well.
36161 -- Charles Bukowski
36163 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36164 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36167 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36168 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36170 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36172 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36173 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36176 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36177 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36179 Official Project Stages:
36180 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36182 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36184 5. Search for the Guilty
36185 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36186 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36188 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36189 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36191 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36194 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36196 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36198 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36201 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36203 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36204 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36205 And isn't your life extremely flat
36206 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36208 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36209 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36210 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36211 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36213 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36214 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36215 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36216 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36218 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36219 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36220 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36221 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36223 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36224 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36225 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36226 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36228 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36229 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36230 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36231 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36232 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36234 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36236 Oh, give me a home,
36237 Where the buffalo roam,
36238 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36240 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36241 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36242 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36243 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36244 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
36245 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36246 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36247 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36248 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36249 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36250 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36251 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36252 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36253 And living up here is a bore.
36254 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36255 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36257 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36258 Where the space debris always collects,
36259 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36260 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36261 -- to Home on the Range
36263 Oh give me your pity!
36264 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36265 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36266 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36268 We confer and concur,
36269 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36270 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36271 And consider a load of reports.
36273 We compose and propose,
36274 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36275 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36276 There's terribly little gets done.
36278 We resolve and absolve;
36279 But we never dissolve,
36280 Since it's out of the question for us
36281 To bring our committee
36282 To end like this ditty,
36283 Which stops with a period, thus.
36284 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36286 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36287 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36288 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36289 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36290 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36291 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36292 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36293 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36294 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36295 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36296 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36297 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36298 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36299 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36300 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36302 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36303 I muck with indices and structs all day
36304 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36305 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36307 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36308 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36309 Shooting up my veins,
36310 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36311 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36312 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36313 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36314 -- To 'If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz"
36316 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36317 be irresponsible, too.
36320 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36321 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36322 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36323 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36324 You have not dreamed of --
36325 Wheeled and soared and swung
36326 High in the sunlit silence.
36328 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36329 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36330 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36331 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36332 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36333 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36334 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36335 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36336 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
36338 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36339 From a typical American town.
36340 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36341 And keeping old Castro down.
36342 And when it came my time to serve
36343 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36344 But when I got to my old draft board,
36345 Buddy, this is what I said:
36348 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36349 And I always carry a purse!
36350 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36351 And my asthma's getting worse!
36352 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36353 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36354 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36355 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36356 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36358 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36359 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36360 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36361 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36363 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36364 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36365 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36367 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36368 it's what you do with what you have left.
36369 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36371 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36372 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36374 Oh, so there you are!
36376 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36377 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36378 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36379 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36380 -- The Smothers Brothers
36382 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36383 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36385 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36386 To see oursel's as others see us!
36387 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36388 And foolish notion.
36389 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36391 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36392 Born under one law, to another bound.
36393 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36395 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36397 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36400 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36401 Then I was clean and brave,
36402 And miles around the wonder grew
36403 How well did I behave.
36405 And now the fancy passes by,
36406 And nothing will remain,
36407 And miles around they'll say that I
36408 Am quite myself again.
36411 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36413 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
36414 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
36415 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
36416 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
36418 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36419 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36423 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36424 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36425 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36426 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36427 save precious time and electrons.
36430 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36433 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36435 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36436 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36437 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36438 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36440 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36442 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
36445 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36448 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36451 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36453 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36455 Old Japanese proverb:
36456 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36457 and those who climb it twice.
36459 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36461 Old mail has arrived.
36463 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
36464 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
36465 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36467 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36468 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36469 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36470 And so was her daughter, I guess...
36472 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
36474 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
36476 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
36478 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
36480 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
36483 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
36486 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
36488 omnibiblious, adj.:
36489 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
36492 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
36494 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
36497 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
36499 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
36502 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
36503 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
36505 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
36506 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
36509 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
36510 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
36511 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
36513 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
36514 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
36518 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
36519 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
36520 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
36521 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
36522 you come any closer."
36523 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
36525 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
36527 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
36528 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
36529 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
36532 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
36533 proposition that all men are created jerks.
36534 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
36536 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
36537 same moment -- halftime.
36539 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
36541 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
36542 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
36543 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
36544 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
36546 On the subject of C program indentation:
36548 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
36549 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
36550 -- Blair P. Houghton
36552 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
36553 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
36555 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
36556 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
36557 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
36558 ideas that could provoke such a question.
36561 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
36562 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
36563 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
36565 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
36566 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36570 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36572 Once again dread deed is done.
36574 his all-knowing eye shaded
36575 to human chance and circumstance.
36576 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
36577 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
36579 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
36580 Impatient hands wait eagerly
36582 scant moments of time
36583 wrested from life in the full
36584 glory of Canon's power;
36585 held captive by his unblinking eye.
36587 Three golden orbs stand watch;
36588 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
36589 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
36590 When that feared moment arrives,
36591 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
36592 It tolls for thee."
36593 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
36594 Valley Pawn Shop today"
36596 Once Again From the Top
36598 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
36599 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
36600 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
36601 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
36602 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
36603 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
36604 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
36605 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
36606 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
36607 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
36608 The Herald regrets the errors."
36609 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
36611 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
36612 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
36615 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
36616 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
36617 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
36618 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
36619 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
36620 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
36622 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
36623 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
36624 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
36625 principles or your mistress".
36627 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
36630 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
36631 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
36632 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
36633 the railroad yards."
36634 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
36635 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
36636 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
36638 Once I finally figured out all of life's
36639 answers, they changed the questions.
36641 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
36642 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
36643 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
36645 Once is happenstance,
36646 Twice is coincidence,
36647 Three times is enemy action.
36648 -- Auric Goldfinger
36650 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
36651 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
36653 Once Law was sitting on the bench
36654 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
36655 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
36656 Nor come before me creeping.
36657 Upon your knees if you appear,
36658 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
36660 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
36661 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
36662 "Amica curiae," she replied --
36663 "Friend of the court, so please you."
36664 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
36665 I never saw your face before!"
36666 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36668 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
36669 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
36670 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
36671 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
36674 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
36677 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
36678 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
36679 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
36680 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
36681 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36682 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36683 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36684 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36685 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36686 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36687 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36688 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36689 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36690 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36691 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36692 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36693 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36694 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36695 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36696 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36697 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36698 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36700 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36701 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36702 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36703 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36704 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36705 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36706 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36707 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36708 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36710 Once upon a time there...
36712 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36713 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36714 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36715 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36716 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36717 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36718 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36719 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36721 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36724 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
36725 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
36726 the smaller prime numbers.
36728 2: The Odd Prime --
36729 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
36730 3: The True Prime --
36731 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
36732 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
36733 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
36734 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
36735 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
36736 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
36739 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
36740 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
36741 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
36743 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36744 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36745 Over many a broken and subordinate
36746 Volume of gnarly lore,
36747 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36748 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36749 As of someone profusely skulking,
36750 Skulking at my chamber door.
36752 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36754 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36755 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36757 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36758 somebody's listening.
36759 -- Franklin P. Jones
36761 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36763 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36765 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36766 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36767 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36769 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36771 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36773 One Bell System - it works.
36775 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36778 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36781 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36782 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36785 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36786 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36787 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36789 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36791 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36792 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36793 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36795 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36797 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36798 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36800 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36801 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36802 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36803 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36804 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36805 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36806 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36807 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36808 and march back home."
36809 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36810 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36811 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36812 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36813 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36815 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36816 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36817 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36818 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36819 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36820 is death by hanging."
36821 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36822 "I don't believe you."
36823 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36824 "But that would make it the truth!"
36825 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36827 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36828 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36829 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36830 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36831 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36832 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36833 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36834 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36835 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36836 there a number of details to be figured out.
36837 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36838 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36839 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36841 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36842 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36843 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36844 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36845 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36846 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36847 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36848 harmonic motion..."
36852 With nothing to say,
36853 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36854 That started: "One day,
36856 With nothing to say,
36857 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36858 That started: "One day,
36861 Were the words that the poet,
36863 To bring his mad poem,
36864 To some sort of close".
36865 Were the words that the poet,
36867 To bring his mad poem,
36868 To some sort of close".
36870 One difference between a man and a machine
36871 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36873 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36876 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36877 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36878 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36879 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36880 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36881 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36882 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36883 been havin' all these years."
36884 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36885 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36886 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36887 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36888 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36889 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36890 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36891 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36892 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36894 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36897 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36899 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36902 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36903 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36905 -- Henry Brook Adams
36907 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36908 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36910 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36911 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36913 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36915 One good thing about music,
36916 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36917 So hit me with music;
36918 Hit me with music now.
36919 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36921 One good turn asketh another.
36924 One good turn deserves another.
36927 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36929 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36930 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36933 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36936 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36937 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36939 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36942 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36945 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36946 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36948 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36950 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36951 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36952 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36953 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36957 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36960 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36963 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36964 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36966 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36969 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36971 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36972 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36975 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36977 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36978 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36981 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36985 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36987 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36989 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36990 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36991 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36992 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36993 nobody can touch him.
36994 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36996 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36997 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37001 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37002 enough to give you presents they make at school.
37005 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37006 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37007 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37009 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37010 do and always a clever thing to say.
37013 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37014 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37015 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37016 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37017 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37018 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37019 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37020 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37021 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37022 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37023 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37025 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37026 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37029 One of the most striking differences between a
37030 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37033 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37034 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
37036 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37038 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37040 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37042 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37043 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37044 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37045 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37046 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37048 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37049 once had a publisher shot.
37050 -- Siegfried Unseld
37052 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37054 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37055 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37056 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37057 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37058 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37059 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37060 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37061 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37062 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37064 One organism, one vote.
37066 One person's error is another person's data.
37068 One picture is worth 128K words.
37070 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37073 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37074 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37075 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37076 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37077 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37078 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37080 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37081 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37082 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37084 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37085 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37086 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37089 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37091 One planet is all you get.
37093 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37094 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37096 One possible reason why things aren't going
37097 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37099 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37100 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37101 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37102 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37103 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37104 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37105 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37106 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37107 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37108 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37109 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37110 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37111 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37112 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37113 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37114 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37115 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37117 One reason why George Washington
37118 Is held in such veneration:
37119 He never blamed his problems
37120 On the former Administration.
37121 -- George O. Ludcke
37123 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37124 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37125 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37126 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37127 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37128 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37129 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37130 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37133 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37135 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37139 Doesn't fit anyone.
37141 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37143 One thing about the past.
37144 It's likely to last.
37147 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37148 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37149 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37150 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37152 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37154 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
37156 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37157 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37159 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37160 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37164 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37166 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37167 One toke over the line,
37168 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37169 One toke over the line.
37170 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37171 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37172 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37173 One toke over the line.
37175 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37178 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37180 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37181 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37184 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37188 One-Shot Case Study, n:
37189 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37190 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37193 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37196 Only a fool has no doubts.
37198 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37201 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37203 Only fools are quoted.
37206 Only God can make random selections.
37208 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37211 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37212 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37214 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37215 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37218 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37219 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37221 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37222 to use the editorial "we".
37224 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37225 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37227 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37230 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37231 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37232 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37233 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37234 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37235 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37236 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37237 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37238 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37239 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37240 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37241 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37243 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37246 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37247 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37250 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37252 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37254 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37255 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37256 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37257 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37258 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37259 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37260 -- Sicilian police officer
37262 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37263 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37265 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37267 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37269 Onward through the fog.
37271 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37273 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37276 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37277 feel like eating for the next six days.
37278 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37280 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37282 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37283 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37285 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
37286 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37287 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37288 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37290 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37291 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37294 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37295 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37296 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37297 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37298 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37299 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37302 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37303 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37306 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37309 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37311 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37312 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37313 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37314 would justify them."
37315 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37316 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37317 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37319 Optimization hinders evolution.
37321 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37324 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37326 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37327 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37331 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37334 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37337 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37338 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37342 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37343 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37346 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37347 to people you could not have possibly met.
37348 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37351 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37353 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37356 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37357 Where most she satisfies.
37358 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37360 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37362 Others will look to you for stability,
37363 so hide when you bite your nails.
37365 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37366 Murphy was an optimist.
37368 Ouch! That felt good!
37371 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37372 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37374 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37375 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37376 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37378 Our business in life is not to succeed
37379 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37380 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37382 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37383 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37384 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37385 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37386 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37387 home-made, hand-held model.
37389 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37390 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37392 a. Don't kill anybody.
37393 b. Don't build things that do.
37394 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37396 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37399 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
37400 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
37402 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37403 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37404 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37405 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
37407 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37411 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37412 means to be a programmer."
37414 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
37415 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
37416 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
37417 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
37418 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
37419 to have been quite real.
37420 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
37422 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37424 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37425 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37427 Our little systems have their day;
37428 They have their day and cease to be;
37429 They are but broken lights of thee.
37432 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37433 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37434 In kernel as it is in user.
37436 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37437 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37438 rain, we were punished.
37439 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37441 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37442 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37444 Our problems are so serious that the best
37445 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37447 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37448 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37449 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37450 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37452 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37453 -- Christopher Marlowe
37455 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37456 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37457 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37458 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37459 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37460 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37461 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37462 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37465 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37468 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37469 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37471 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37472 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37474 Out of sight is out of mind.
37477 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37480 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37482 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37483 it's too dark to read.
37486 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
37487 need of the manager than the programming task.
37489 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
37490 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
37492 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
37493 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
37494 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
37495 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
37496 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
37497 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
37498 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
37500 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
37501 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
37502 Concepts and Philosophies,"
37503 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
37505 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
37506 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
37507 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
37508 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
37510 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
37512 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
37514 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
37517 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
37519 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
37521 Owe no man any thing...
37524 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
37525 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
37526 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
37527 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
37528 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
37529 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
37530 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
37531 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
37532 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
37535 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
37536 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
37537 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
37538 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
37539 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
37541 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
37542 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
37543 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
37546 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
37547 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
37549 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
37552 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
37553 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
37554 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37555 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
37557 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
37558 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
37559 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
37560 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
37561 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
37562 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
37563 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
37565 troopa, n: A state policeman.
37566 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
37567 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
37568 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
37571 Falling out of a twenty story building,
37572 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
37575 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
37578 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
37580 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
37583 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
37584 exposing them to the critic.
37585 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37588 Never open a box you didn't close.
37590 panic: can't find /
37592 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
37594 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
37598 2 dashes == 1smidgen
37599 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
37600 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
37601 2 soupcons == too much paprika
37603 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
37607 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
37609 Paralysis through analysis.
37612 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
37614 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
37616 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
37618 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
37620 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
37621 Now ... just try to find out where!
37623 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
37625 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
37626 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
37629 Pardon me while I laugh.
37631 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
37633 Pardo's First Postulate:
37634 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
37638 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
37640 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
37641 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
37644 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
37646 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
37647 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
37648 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
37650 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
37651 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
37652 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
37654 Parsley is gharsley.
37657 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
37660 A gathering where you meet people who drink
37661 so much you can't even remember their names.
37663 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
37664 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
37666 Pascal is not a high-level language.
37669 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
37670 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
37673 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
37674 in his grave if he knew about it.
37675 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
37678 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
37679 Please modify your programs accordingly.
37682 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
37683 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
37685 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
37690 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
37692 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
37693 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
37694 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
37695 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
37697 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
37698 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
37700 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
37701 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37704 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37706 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37707 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37708 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37709 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37710 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37711 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37712 par for the course, Charlie.
37713 -- Firesign Theatre
37716 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37717 under brain transplants.
37719 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37720 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37723 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37725 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37727 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37730 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37731 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37733 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37734 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37736 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37737 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37739 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37740 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37742 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37743 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37744 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37747 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37748 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37749 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37751 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37754 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37757 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37760 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37763 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37767 You can't fall off the floor.
37769 Pause for storage relocation.
37771 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37772 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37775 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37776 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37777 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37778 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37788 up your ides under brown-
37795 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37797 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37798 can only be achieved by understanding.
37801 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37802 of land... let there be no more wars.
37803 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
37806 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37807 periods of fighting.
37808 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37812 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37813 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37814 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37816 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37818 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37819 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37820 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37821 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37823 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37824 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37825 the week that has a "y" in it.
37828 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37829 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37830 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37833 A car with only one working headlight.
37834 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37836 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37837 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37838 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37839 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37840 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37841 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37842 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37843 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37845 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37846 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37847 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37849 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37855 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37858 "I will never understand people."
37859 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37860 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37861 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37862 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37863 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37864 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37865 -- no offense intended."
37866 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37868 Penguin Trivia #46:
37869 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37870 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37875 A federally insured chain letter.
37877 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37878 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37879 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37880 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37881 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37882 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37883 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37885 People are beginning to notice you.
37886 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37888 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37890 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37892 People don't change; they only become more so.
37894 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37895 times, four time, five times...
37897 People in general do not willingly read
37898 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37901 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37902 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37904 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37905 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37907 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37909 -- Otto von Bismarck
37911 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37912 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37913 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37915 People often find it easier to be a
37916 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37918 People respond to people who respond.
37920 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37924 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37925 have been left out on the pleasure.
37928 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37929 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37930 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37931 the concentration camps.
37933 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37935 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37936 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37939 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37942 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37944 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37945 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37946 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37948 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37949 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37951 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37952 -- Abigail Van Buren
37954 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37956 People who have no faults are terrible;
37957 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37959 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37960 what they want that they don't want it.
37963 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37965 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37967 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37969 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37972 People who think they know everything
37973 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37975 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37976 Franklin said it first.
37978 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37980 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37983 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37985 People's Action Rules:
37986 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37987 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37988 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37989 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37990 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37992 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37995 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37996 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37998 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38001 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38004 One who makes his host feel at home.
38006 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
38007 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
38008 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38011 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38012 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38013 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38015 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38016 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38019 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38020 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38023 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38025 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38026 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38027 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38028 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38030 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38034 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38035 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38036 -- Gandalf the Grey
38038 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38039 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38040 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38041 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38042 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38043 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38044 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38045 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38046 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38047 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38048 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38049 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38050 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38051 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38052 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38053 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38054 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38056 -- Fowler's English Usage
38058 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38059 a merit in political leaders.
38060 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38062 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38063 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38064 -- Bernadette Bosky
38066 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38068 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38069 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38070 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38071 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38074 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38075 wolf from the door.
38078 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38082 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38084 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38085 Waiter: Who told you?
38086 Pete: A little swallow.
38088 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38089 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38090 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38091 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38093 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38094 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38095 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38096 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38097 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38099 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38101 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38102 Look after the molehills, and the
38103 mountains will look after themselves.
38105 Peter's Principle of Success:
38106 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38109 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38112 Peterson's Admonition:
38113 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38114 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38117 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38118 are filled with something sticky.
38119 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38120 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38121 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38124 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38125 the window of a vending machine too long.
38126 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38128 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38130 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38131 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38133 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38136 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38139 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38141 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38144 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38147 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38148 that will bring it back to life).
38149 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38151 Photographing a volcano is just about
38152 the most miserable thing you can do.
38153 -- Robert B. Goodman
38154 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38156 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38157 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38158 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38159 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38161 Pick another fortune cookie.
38163 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38164 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38165 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38166 She left me not knowing what to do.
38168 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38169 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38170 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38171 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38173 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38174 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38175 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38176 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38177 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38179 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38180 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38181 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38182 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38183 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38186 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38187 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38189 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38190 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38191 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38193 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38194 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38197 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38203 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38204 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38205 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38206 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38208 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38209 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38212 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38213 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38215 Piping down the valleys wild,
38216 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38217 On a cloud I saw a child,
38218 And he laughing said to me:
38219 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38220 So I piped with merry cheer.
38221 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38222 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38223 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38225 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
38226 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38227 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38228 -- Love and Rockets
38230 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38231 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
38232 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
38233 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
38234 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
38237 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38238 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
38239 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
38240 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
38241 get run over by a bus.
38243 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38244 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38245 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38246 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38249 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38253 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38254 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38255 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38256 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38261 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38263 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38264 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38265 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38266 Don't shade your eyes,
38267 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38268 Only be sure to call it research.
38271 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38272 All the trees are red.
38273 No one ever dies there.
38274 No one has a head....
38276 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38277 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38278 -- Green Lantern Comics
38280 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38281 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38282 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38283 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38286 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
38287 What develops when two people get
38288 tired of making love to each other.
38290 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38293 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38295 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38297 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38298 by asking me to do something for you.
38300 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38301 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38303 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38305 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38306 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38308 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38309 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38313 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38315 Please ignore previous fortune.
38317 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38319 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38321 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38322 us being hysterical at the same time.
38324 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38326 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38327 For we are young and free.
38328 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38329 Our home is girt by sea.
38330 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38331 Of beauty rich and rare.
38332 In history's page, let every stage
38333 Advance Australia Fair.
38334 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38335 Advance Australia Fair.
38337 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38339 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38341 God save our Gracious Queen!
38342 Long live our Noble Queen!
38343 God save the Queen!
38344 Send her victorious,
38345 Happy and glorious,
38346 Long to reign o'er us!
38347 God save the Queen!
38349 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38351 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38354 Our home and native land
38356 In all thy sons' command
38357 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38358 The true north strong and free
38359 From far and wide, O Canada
38360 We stand on guard for thee
38361 God keep our land glorious and free
38362 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38363 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38365 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38367 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38369 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38370 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38371 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38372 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38373 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38374 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38375 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38376 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38378 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38382 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38383 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
38384 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
38387 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38389 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38391 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38393 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38394 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38395 an uncontainable experience.
38400 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38403 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38405 poisoned coffee, n:
38406 Grounds for divorce.
38408 Poland has gun control.
38410 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38412 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38413 Host: About the drugs?
38415 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38416 Police: No, the noise.
38417 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38418 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38419 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38421 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38422 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38423 ask the host to quiet things down?
38424 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
38425 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38426 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38427 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38428 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38431 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38435 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38436 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38437 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38439 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38440 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38443 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38444 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38445 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
38446 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
38448 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38451 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38452 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
38453 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38456 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
38457 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
38458 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38460 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38461 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38463 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38464 been, and never will be wrong.
38467 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38468 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38471 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38472 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38476 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38477 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38478 -- Winston Churchill
38480 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
38481 systematic organisation of hatreds.
38482 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
38484 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
38485 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
38487 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
38488 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
38489 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38491 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
38492 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38495 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
38496 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
38497 explain why it didn't happen.
38498 -- Winston Churchill
38500 Politics, like religion, hold up the
38501 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
38502 -- Thomas Jefferson
38504 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
38508 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
38509 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
38510 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38512 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
38513 The hyperactive child is never absent.
38518 Polymer physicists are into chains.
38521 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
38522 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
38525 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
38526 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
38527 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
38528 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
38529 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
38531 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
38532 Half a pound of treacle
38533 That's the way the chimney smokes
38536 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
38537 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
38538 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
38539 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
38540 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
38542 Populus vult decipi.
38543 [The people like to be deceived.]
38545 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
38549 Survives system reboot.
38552 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
38555 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
38556 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38558 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
38561 Post proelium, praemium.
38562 [After the battle, the reward.]
38564 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
38566 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38568 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
38569 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
38570 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
38571 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
38572 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
38574 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
38575 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
38576 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
38577 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
38578 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
38579 diets that are driving them crazy.
38581 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
38582 Except with sour cream.
38584 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38586 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
38587 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
38588 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
38589 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
38591 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
38592 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
38593 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
38594 general butter-melting by all.
38596 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
38597 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
38599 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
38602 An unfortunate state that persists as long
38603 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
38605 Poverty begins at home.
38607 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
38611 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
38612 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
38614 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
38615 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
38617 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
38619 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
38624 Power is the finest token of affection.
38626 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
38627 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
38628 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
38631 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
38633 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
38636 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
38638 Practical people would be more practical if
38639 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
38642 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
38645 Practically perfect people never permit
38646 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
38649 Practice is the best of all instructors.
38652 Practice yourself what you preach.
38653 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38656 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
38658 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
38659 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
38661 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
38664 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
38668 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
38669 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
38670 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38672 Predestination was doomed from the start.
38674 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
38678 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
38679 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38681 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
38684 Preserve the old, but know the new.
38686 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
38688 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
38690 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
38691 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
38693 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
38694 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
38695 -- The Washington Post
38697 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
38699 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
38700 It's on the other side.
38703 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
38705 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
38706 the working man, he loves to see him work.
38707 -- Winston Churchill
38709 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38710 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38711 -- Winston Churchill
38713 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38714 For having it off with his Mater;
38715 Revenge Dad or not?
38716 That's the gist of the plot,
38717 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38718 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38720 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38721 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38723 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38726 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38727 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38728 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38729 badly than someone else.
38731 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38734 Prizes are for children.
38736 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38738 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38740 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38741 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38742 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38743 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38744 -- Frederick Winsor
38746 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38747 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38748 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38749 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38753 A man who never buys.
38755 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38756 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38757 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38758 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38759 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38761 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38762 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38765 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38767 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38768 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38769 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38770 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38773 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38774 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38775 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38776 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38779 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38780 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38781 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38783 Programmers do it bit by bit.
38785 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38786 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38787 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38789 Programming Department:
38790 Mistakes made while you wait.
38792 Programming is an unnatural act.
38794 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38795 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38796 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38801 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38802 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38804 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38805 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38807 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38808 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38809 -- George Bernard Shaw
38811 Progress means replacing a theory that
38812 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38814 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38817 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38820 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38822 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38824 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38825 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38826 level where they can't foul up operations.
38828 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38830 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38832 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38833 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38835 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38837 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38838 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38839 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38840 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38841 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38842 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38844 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38845 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38846 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38847 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38848 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38850 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38851 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38853 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38855 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38857 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38859 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38861 Lack of a counterexample, and
38862 "It stands to reason"
38864 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38865 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38868 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38870 BBW Branch Both Ways
38871 BEW Branch Either Way
38872 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38874 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38876 BPO Branch on Power Off
38877 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38878 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38879 CLBR Clobber Register
38880 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38881 CM Circulate Memory
38882 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38883 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38884 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38886 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38888 DC Divide and Conquer
38889 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38890 DO Divide and Overflow
38891 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38892 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38893 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38894 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38895 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38896 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38897 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38898 PBC Print and Break Chain
38901 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38904 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38905 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38906 RASC Read And Shred Card
38907 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38908 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
38909 RTAB Rewind tape and break
38911 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38912 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
38913 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38914 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38915 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38916 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38917 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38918 WBT Water Binary Tree
38920 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38923 Prototype designs always work.
38927 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38928 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38929 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38930 prototype is not expected to work.
38932 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38933 than the both put together.
38935 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38936 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38938 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38940 Pryor's Observation:
38941 How long you live has nothing to do
38942 with how long you are going to be dead.
38944 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38945 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38946 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38947 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38948 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38950 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38951 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38953 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38955 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38957 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38959 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38963 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38965 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38969 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38972 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38973 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38974 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38975 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38976 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38977 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38978 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38979 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38980 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38981 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38982 Philosophers think they're gods.
38984 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38985 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38988 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38989 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38992 Public use of any portable music system is a
38993 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38996 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38997 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39000 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39001 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39003 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39005 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39006 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39007 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39008 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39009 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39010 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39011 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39012 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39014 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
39019 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39020 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39022 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39023 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39026 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39027 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39028 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39030 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39032 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39034 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39035 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39036 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39037 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39040 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39041 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39043 Put another password in,
39044 Bomb it out, then try again.
39045 Try to get past logging in,
39046 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39048 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39049 This is more than just a game.
39050 It's real fun, but just the same,
39051 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39053 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39055 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39057 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39059 Put your best foot forward.
39060 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39062 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39064 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39065 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39067 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39070 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39071 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39072 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39074 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39079 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39082 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39084 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39088 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39089 A: He got re-possessed!
39091 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39092 A: With three more bullets.
39094 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39096 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39098 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39100 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39102 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39103 A: When his lips move.
39105 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39106 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39108 Q: But how did he get back down?
39109 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39111 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39114 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
39115 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
39117 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39118 A: Unique up on it!
39120 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39123 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39125 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39126 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39128 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39129 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39131 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39132 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
39134 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39135 A: Throw him a rock.
39137 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39138 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39140 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39141 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39142 a blue-elephant gun.
39144 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39145 A: Take away his credit cards.
39147 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39148 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39149 A: He changes the domain.
39151 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39152 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39154 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39155 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39157 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39158 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39159 of license fee (binary only).
39161 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39162 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39163 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39165 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39166 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39167 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39168 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39170 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39171 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39172 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39174 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39175 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39177 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39178 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39180 Q: How long does it take?
39181 A: It's indeterminate.
39182 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39184 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39185 A: They replace your generator.
39187 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39188 A: One more than you can find.
39190 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39191 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39193 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39194 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39196 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39197 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39199 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39200 A: The door won't shut.
39202 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39203 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39205 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39206 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39207 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39208 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
39209 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39211 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39212 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39214 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39215 A: None. The application can work around it.
39217 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39218 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39220 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39221 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39223 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39224 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39226 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39227 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39229 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39230 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39232 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39233 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39234 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39235 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39236 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39237 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39239 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39240 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39241 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
39242 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
39243 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
39244 the bulb in the first place.
39246 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39247 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39249 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39250 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
39251 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
39252 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
39253 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
39254 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39255 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
39256 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
39257 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
39258 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
39259 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
39260 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
39261 between the parties.
39263 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
39264 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
39265 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
39266 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
39267 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
39268 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39269 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
39270 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
39271 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
39272 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
39273 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39275 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
39276 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
39277 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
39278 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
39279 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39280 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
39283 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
39284 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
39285 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
39286 revenue for the Partnership.
39288 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39289 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39290 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39292 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39293 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39295 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39298 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39299 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39301 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39302 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39303 to the earlier joke.
39305 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39307 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39308 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39309 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39310 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39311 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39312 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39313 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39314 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39315 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39316 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39317 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39318 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39319 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39320 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39321 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39322 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39323 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39324 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39326 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39328 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39331 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39332 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39333 out from under him.
39335 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39336 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39337 to really want to change.
39339 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39340 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
39341 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39343 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39344 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39345 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39347 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39348 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39349 with brightly colored machine tools.
39351 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39353 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39356 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39357 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39360 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39363 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39366 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39367 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39368 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39370 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39371 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39372 bottles into the typewriter.
39374 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39376 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39377 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39378 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39379 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39380 somebody else has made the correction.
39382 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39383 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39384 to inform the whole net right away!
39385 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39388 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39391 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39392 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39394 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39396 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39398 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39399 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39401 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39402 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39403 they go down on you.
39405 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39406 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39408 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39409 puzzle in only 6 months?
39410 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39412 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39413 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39415 Q: What do monsters eat?
39418 Q: What do monsters drink?
39419 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39421 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39422 A: The impossible dream.
39424 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39425 A: Rule the country.
39427 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39428 A: The same middle name.
39430 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39433 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39434 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39436 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39437 puzzle in only 6 months?
39438 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39440 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39441 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39443 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39444 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39446 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39449 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39452 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39453 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39455 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39458 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39459 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39461 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39462 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39464 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39465 eating fruit, and singing?
39466 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39468 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39469 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39471 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39474 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39475 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39478 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39479 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
39481 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39482 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
39485 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
39486 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
39489 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
39493 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
39495 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
39497 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
39498 A: An offer you can't understand.
39500 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
39501 A: Hot cross bunnies!
39503 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
39504 A: Not enough sand.
39506 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
39509 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
39510 A: To keep her neck warm.
39512 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
39513 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
39515 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
39516 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
39517 a delicious dessert.
39519 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
39522 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
39523 A: Exploding sheep.
39525 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
39528 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
39531 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
39534 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
39535 A: A ball point carrot.
39537 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
39540 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39541 A: A boolean grape.
39543 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39544 A: An Abelian grape.
39546 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
39547 A: Alexander the Grape.
39549 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
39550 A: One leg is both the same.
39552 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
39553 A: Yogurt has culture.
39555 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
39556 A: Her bowling shoes.
39558 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
39559 A: I think I'm drunk.
39561 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
39562 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
39564 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
39565 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
39567 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
39570 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
39571 A: A nervous wreck.
39573 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
39574 plays like a monkey?
39577 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
39580 Q: What's a light-year?
39581 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
39583 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
39584 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
39586 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
39587 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
39589 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
39592 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
39593 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
39594 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
39596 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
39597 A: Artificial intelligence.
39599 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
39600 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
39602 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
39605 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
39606 lawyer in the road?
39607 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
39609 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
39610 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
39612 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
39613 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
39615 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
39618 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
39621 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
39622 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
39624 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
39625 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
39627 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
39628 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
39630 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
39631 A: The Titanic had a band.
39633 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
39634 A: A canary with the super-user password.
39636 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
39639 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
39640 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
39642 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
39643 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
39645 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
39648 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
39649 A: Because they're worth it!
39651 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
39652 A: Because he was hungry.
39654 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
39655 A: To see what was on the other side.
39657 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
39660 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
39661 A: She opens the car door.
39663 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39664 A: He was giving it last rites.
39666 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39667 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
39669 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
39670 A: To get to the other slide.
39672 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
39673 A: To get to the other slide.
39675 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
39676 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
39678 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
39679 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
39681 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
39682 A: Because that was her name.
39684 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
39685 A: Because it was on the other side.
39687 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
39688 A: To get to the middle.
39690 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
39691 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
39693 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
39694 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
39696 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
39697 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
39698 Oh, right, *of course*!
39700 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
39701 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
39702 an eye on the two intellectuals.
39704 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
39705 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
39706 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
39708 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
39709 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
39711 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
39712 A: To keep their ankles warm.
39714 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
39715 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39717 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39718 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39720 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39721 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39722 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39723 visiting, they always take three.
39725 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39726 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39727 gets all the credit.
39729 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39730 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39731 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39733 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39734 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39736 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39737 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39739 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39740 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39742 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39744 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39746 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39747 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39752 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39755 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39758 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39759 an emergency on my part."
39762 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39765 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39768 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39771 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39772 have to stop and breathe."
39773 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39776 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39779 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39782 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39786 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39787 too late to punish."
39790 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39794 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39797 "Her other car is a broom."
39800 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39804 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39807 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39810 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39813 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
39816 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39817 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39820 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39823 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39826 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39827 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'"
39828 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39831 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39834 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39837 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39840 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39841 ball in their court."
39842 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39845 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39849 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39850 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39853 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39856 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39857 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39860 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39863 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39867 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39870 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39873 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39876 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39880 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39884 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39885 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39888 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39891 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39894 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39897 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39900 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39903 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39906 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39909 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39912 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39915 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39917 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39920 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39923 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39926 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39929 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39933 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39934 hands in his own pockets."
39937 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39940 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39943 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39946 "It's been Monday all week today."
39949 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39952 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39953 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39956 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39959 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39960 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39963 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39964 strike. To make less money."
39967 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39971 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39974 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39978 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39982 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39985 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39988 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39989 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39990 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39991 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39994 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39997 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40001 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40004 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
40007 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40010 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40014 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40017 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40020 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
40023 "Our parents were never our age."
40026 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40029 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
40032 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40033 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40036 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
40039 "She's about as smart as bait."
40042 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
40045 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
40048 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40051 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40052 I do what I get paid to do."
40055 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40056 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40059 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40062 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40063 the snakes have gone away."
40066 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40067 gerbil has more dark meat."
40070 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40073 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40077 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40080 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40083 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40084 think he was broken!"
40087 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40088 when I mess things up."
40091 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40092 "baring your neck."
40095 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40098 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40101 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40102 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
40105 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40109 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40115 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40116 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40118 Quality Control, n.:
40119 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40120 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40122 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40123 but its the only one we've got.
40125 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40126 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40128 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40131 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40133 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40135 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40138 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40142 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40143 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40146 Ask somebody something.
40149 Man Invented Alcohol,
40150 God Invented Grass.
40153 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40156 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40158 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40160 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40162 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40165 Whoever has any authority over you,
40166 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40168 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40171 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40172 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40179 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40182 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40185 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40189 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40191 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40194 rain falls where clouds come
40195 sun shines where clouds go
40196 clouds just come and go
40197 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40199 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40201 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40203 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40205 Ralph's Observation:
40206 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40207 realise that you are in a hurry.
40209 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40212 as in number, predictable.
40213 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40215 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40217 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40220 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40222 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40223 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40224 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40225 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40226 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40227 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40228 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40229 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40230 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
40231 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40232 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40234 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40235 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40236 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40237 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40238 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40240 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40241 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40242 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40243 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40244 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40245 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40246 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40247 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40248 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40249 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40250 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40252 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40253 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40258 And drugs cause cramp.
40259 Guns aren't lawful;
40262 You might as well live.
40263 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40266 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40267 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40268 described with pictures.
40270 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40271 And find they do not know your name.
40272 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40273 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40274 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40275 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40276 Hold a candle to the night,
40277 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40278 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40279 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40280 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40281 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40282 Lean upon the western wind,
40283 And know you are alone.
40286 Reactor error - core dumped!
40288 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40289 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40292 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40294 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40296 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40297 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40298 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40299 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40301 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
40302 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
40305 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40306 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40308 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40309 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40311 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40312 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40313 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40315 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40316 could they read their mail?
40318 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40319 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40320 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40322 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40323 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40324 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40327 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40328 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40331 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40332 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40334 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40335 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40338 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40339 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40340 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40341 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40343 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40344 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40346 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40347 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40350 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
40351 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40353 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40355 Real programs don't eat cache.
40357 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
40358 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40360 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40361 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40362 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40364 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40365 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40366 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40367 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
40368 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40369 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40370 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40372 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40373 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40374 using an undocumented external procedure.
40377 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40380 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40381 afraid to break your face.
40383 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40384 down the system for days.
40386 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40388 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40390 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40391 program doesn't deliver it.
40393 Real Users never use the Help key.
40395 Real wealth can only increase.
40396 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40398 Real World, The n.:
40399 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40400 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40401 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40402 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40403 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
40404 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40405 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40406 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40407 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40410 Reality -- what a concept!
40413 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40415 Reality does not exist - yet.
40417 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40419 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40422 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40425 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40427 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40430 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40432 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40435 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
40439 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40443 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
40446 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
40448 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
40449 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
40451 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
40452 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
40453 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
40455 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
40457 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
40458 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
40461 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
40462 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
40463 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
40464 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
40465 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
40466 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
40467 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
40468 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
40469 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
40472 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
40473 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
40474 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
40475 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
40478 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
40479 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
40480 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
40481 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
40483 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
40484 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
40485 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
40486 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
40487 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
40488 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
40489 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
40490 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
40491 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
40492 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
40493 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
40495 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
40498 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
40499 Take not a single bit!
40500 It used to point to me,
40501 Now I'm protecting it.
40502 It was the reader's CONS
40503 That made it, paired by dot;
40504 Now, GC, for the nonce,
40505 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
40507 Recursion is the root of computation
40508 since it trades description for time.
40510 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
40511 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
40513 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
40514 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
40518 Regression analysis:
40519 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
40523 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
40526 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
40529 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
40530 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
40532 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
40533 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
40534 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
40536 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
40537 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
40538 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
40540 Reliable source, n:
40541 The guy you just met.
40543 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
40546 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
40548 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
40551 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
40553 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
40554 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
40555 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
40556 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40558 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
40562 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
40564 Remember Darwin; building a better
40565 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
40567 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
40568 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
40570 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
40572 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
40575 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
40577 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
40580 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
40581 have an established user base.
40583 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
40587 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
40588 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
40589 -- Good Morning, Vietnam
40591 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
40592 that you're the one holding it.
40593 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
40595 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
40596 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
40597 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
40598 Across The Eighth Dimension"
40600 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
40603 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
40604 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
40605 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
40607 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
40610 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
40611 worse in Cleveland.
40612 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
40614 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
40616 Remember the... the... uhh.....
40619 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
40620 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
40621 Yea, from the table of my memory
40622 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
40623 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
40624 That youth and observation copied there.
40625 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
40627 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
40629 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
40632 Remember: use logout to logout.
40634 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
40637 Remove me from this land of slaves,
40638 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
40639 Where every knave and fool is bought,
40640 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
40643 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
40644 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
40647 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
40649 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
40652 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
40653 -- Indiana University football cheer
40655 Reply hazy, ask again later.
40657 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
40658 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
40660 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
40661 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
40664 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
40666 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40668 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
40670 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
40671 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
40672 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
40673 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
40674 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
40675 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
40676 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
40677 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
40678 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
40679 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
40681 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
40683 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
40684 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
40685 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
40688 What others are not thinking about you.
40690 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
40691 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
40692 so you're still a valiant nerd.
40694 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
40695 and think what nobody else has thought.
40697 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
40698 -- Wernher von Braun
40702 He didn't know where he was going.
40703 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
40704 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
40705 And he did it all on someone else's money.
40707 Resisting temptation is easier when you
40708 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
40711 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
40712 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
40713 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
40714 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
40715 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40717 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40718 actually have a shot at it.
40720 Reunite Gondwondaland!
40722 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40724 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40726 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40728 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40730 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40734 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40735 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40736 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40737 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40739 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40740 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40741 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40742 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40744 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40745 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40746 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40747 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40750 A form of government abroad.
40753 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40754 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40756 revolutionary, adj:
40760 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40761 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40762 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40763 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40764 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40765 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40766 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40767 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40768 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40769 assume otherwise, maybe.
40771 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40772 should be happier than others.
40775 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40776 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40777 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40781 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40784 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40785 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40787 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40788 "Your winnings, sir."
40789 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40792 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40793 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40795 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40798 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40799 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40800 rights, which they use or do not use.
40803 Ring around the collar.
40806 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40807 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40808 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40811 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40814 University administrator.
40817 Never having to say you're sorry.
40819 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40820 Unless the results are known in advance,
40821 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40823 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40825 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40827 Rome was not built in one day.
40830 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40832 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40833 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40834 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40836 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40837 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40838 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40839 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40842 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40843 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40851 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40852 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40854 Round Numbers are always false.
40857 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40859 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40861 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40862 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40865 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40866 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40867 stay in Washington and make it there.
40869 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40872 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40875 Rudin's Second Law:
40876 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40877 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40883 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40884 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40885 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40887 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40893 The Boss is always right.
40896 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40898 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40899 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40900 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40901 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40903 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40904 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40905 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40906 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40907 regain their composure.
40909 Rule of Creative Research:
40910 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40911 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40912 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40914 Rule of Defactualization:
40915 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40917 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40918 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40919 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40922 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40925 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40926 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40928 Rule the Empire through force.
40932 (1) The boss is always right.
40933 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40935 Rules for Academic Deans:
40937 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40938 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40940 Rules for driving in New York:
40941 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40942 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40943 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40946 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40947 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40948 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40949 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40950 4: About them sentence fragments.
40951 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40952 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40953 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40954 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40955 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40956 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40957 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40958 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40959 13: Correct speling is essential.
40960 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40961 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40962 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40963 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40966 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40967 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40968 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40969 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40970 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40971 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40972 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40973 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40974 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40975 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40976 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40977 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40978 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40979 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40981 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40982 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40983 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40984 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40985 (4) Enjoy your food.
40986 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40987 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40988 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40989 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40990 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40991 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40992 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40993 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40994 can always eat it later.
40995 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40996 (11) Avoid blue food.
40997 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
40999 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41003 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41005 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41006 -- John Cameron Swayze
41008 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41009 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41010 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41011 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41012 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41015 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41016 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41018 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41020 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41021 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41023 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41024 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41025 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41026 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41027 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41028 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41029 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41031 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41038 Sacher's Observation:
41039 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41041 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41044 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41046 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41047 Beating a dead horse.
41051 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41052 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41054 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41056 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41057 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41058 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41059 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41060 6. People ignore you at parties.
41061 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41062 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41064 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41066 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41067 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41068 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41069 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41070 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41071 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41072 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41074 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41075 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41076 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41077 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41078 laugh at you a great deal.
41080 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41081 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41082 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41083 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41085 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41086 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41087 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41088 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41090 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41091 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41094 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41095 -- Heard on Noah's ark
41097 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41098 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41100 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41101 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41103 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41104 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41107 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41109 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41110 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41111 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41112 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41113 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41114 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41115 uncharted waters here.
41118 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41119 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41120 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41121 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41123 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41124 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41125 Found him every couple of blocks.
41126 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41128 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41129 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41130 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41132 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41133 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41134 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41136 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41137 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41138 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41140 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41141 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41142 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41143 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41144 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41145 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41147 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41148 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41149 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41151 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41152 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41153 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41155 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41156 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41157 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41159 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41160 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41161 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41163 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41164 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41165 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41166 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41167 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41169 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41170 Norm: Most of my wife.
41171 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41174 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41175 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41177 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41178 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41179 to be the guinea pig.
41180 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41183 Four million people, where you can't get a
41184 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41186 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41187 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41188 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41189 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41190 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41192 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41196 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41198 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41200 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41203 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41205 Santa Claus is watching!
41207 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41210 He has long hair and a beard
41211 Must be a pacifist.
41213 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41215 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41216 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41218 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41219 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41221 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41223 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41224 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41226 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41228 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41231 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41233 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41237 It works better if you plug it in.
41239 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41240 Is like being nowhere at all,
41241 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41242 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41243 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41245 Satyrs have more faun.
41247 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41249 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41250 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41252 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41253 surprised at how little you have.
41256 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41259 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41261 Save energy: be apathetic.
41263 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41265 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41269 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41271 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41273 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41275 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41276 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41277 No one cares a cent about you,
41278 You don't care a cent for life;
41279 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41280 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41281 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41282 And the big blue sky.
41285 Say it with flowers,
41286 Or say it with mink,
41287 But whatever you do,
41288 Don't say it with ink!
41291 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41292 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41293 No justice, please, curse ye!
41294 We really want mercy:
41295 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41296 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41298 Say my love is easy had,
41299 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41300 Say I am too often sad --
41301 Still behold me at your side.
41303 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41304 Say I woo and coddle care,
41305 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41306 Still you have my heart to wear.
41308 But say my verses do not scan,
41309 And I get me another man!
41310 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41312 Say no, then negotiate.
41315 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41317 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41319 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41323 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41324 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41325 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41327 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41330 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41331 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41332 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41333 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41334 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41335 intently watching him.
41338 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41340 Schapiro's Explanation:
41341 The grass is always greener on the other side --
41342 but that's because they use more manure.
41344 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41346 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41347 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41348 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41349 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41351 Schmidt's Observation:
41352 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41353 than a thin person.
41356 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
41358 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41360 Science and religion are in full accord but
41361 science and faith are in complete discord.
41363 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41364 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41365 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41366 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41368 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41369 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41370 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41371 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41373 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41374 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41376 -- Jules Henri Poincare
41378 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41379 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41380 is not necessarily science.
41381 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
41383 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41384 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41387 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41389 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41391 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41393 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41394 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41395 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41396 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41397 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41398 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41399 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41400 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41401 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41402 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41403 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41404 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41405 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41406 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41407 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41409 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41413 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41414 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41415 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41416 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
41418 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
41419 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
41420 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
41421 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
41422 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
41423 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
41424 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
41425 together. "There is now", came the reply.
41427 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41428 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
41429 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
41430 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
41431 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41432 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
41434 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
41436 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
41437 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
41438 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
41439 Scorpio people are murdered.
41441 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
41442 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
41443 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
41444 to throw up. Knock it off.
41446 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
41447 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
41448 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
41449 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
41450 to win. You never learn.
41453 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
41455 Scott's second Law:
41456 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
41457 to have been wrong in the first place.
41460 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
41461 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
41463 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
41464 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
41465 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
41466 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
41467 Spock: Affirmative.
41468 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
41469 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
41471 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
41472 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
41473 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41474 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
41475 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
41476 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41477 And we've also found Just flip one switch
41478 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
41479 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
41480 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
41481 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
41482 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
41483 The system is going to crash.
41484 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
41488 Roll the tapes across the floor!
41490 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
41493 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
41495 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41497 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
41501 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
41502 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
41504 Sears has everything.
41506 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
41508 Second Law of Business Meetings:
41509 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
41510 will pick the wrong one.
41513 If there is only one way to spell a name,
41514 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
41516 Second Law of Final Exams:
41517 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
41518 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
41520 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
41522 Secretary's Revenge:
41523 Filing almost everything under "the".
41525 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
41526 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
41527 multiline message byte.
41528 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
41529 must be sent passive true.
41530 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
41531 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
41532 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
41533 (a) The LADS is active
41534 (b) Nor LACS is active"
41536 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
41537 Programmable Instrumentation
41539 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
41541 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
41542 [Who guards the Guardians?]
41544 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
41545 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
41546 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
41548 Sightlessly seeking
41549 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
41550 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
41552 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
41554 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
41555 the second one should have seen it.
41557 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
41558 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
41559 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
41560 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
41561 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
41562 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
41563 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
41565 Seeing is believing.
41566 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
41568 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
41571 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
41572 Will come when it will come.
41573 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41575 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
41576 -- Alfred North Whitehead
41578 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
41579 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
41580 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
41581 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
41582 rocks. They all got out of the car:
41583 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
41584 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
41585 into town and have a specialist look at it."
41586 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
41587 in and see if it does it again."
41589 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
41590 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
41592 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
41593 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
41594 you like me to put it on your bill?"
41595 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
41597 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
41598 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
41599 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
41600 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
41601 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
41603 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
41604 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
41605 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
41606 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
41607 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
41608 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
41609 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
41610 like when God was working it alone!"
41612 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
41613 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
41615 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
41616 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
41619 "Got any bear bells?"
41621 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
41622 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
41623 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
41625 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
41626 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
41629 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
41630 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
41632 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
41633 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
41634 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
41635 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
41637 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
41638 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
41639 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
41640 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
41641 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
41642 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
41643 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
41644 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
41645 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
41646 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
41647 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
41648 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
41649 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
41650 some new underwear.
41651 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
41652 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
41653 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
41654 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
41655 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
41656 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
41658 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
41659 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
41661 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
41662 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
41664 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
41665 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
41667 Self Test for Paranoia:
41668 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
41672 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
41676 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
41679 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
41681 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41683 Send some filthy mail.
41685 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
41686 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
41689 The state of mind of elderly persons
41690 with whom one happens to disagree.
41692 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
41693 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
41694 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
41695 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
41697 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
41699 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
41703 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
41705 Serenity through viciousness.
41710 Serocki's Stricture:
41711 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
41713 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
41715 Set the cart before the horse.
41718 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
41719 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
41720 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
41721 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
41722 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
41723 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
41724 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
41725 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
41726 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
41728 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
41729 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
41730 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
41731 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
41732 like crabgrass all over the United States.
41733 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
41735 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41736 Is all my brain and body need.
41737 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41738 Are very good indeed.
41740 Take your silly ways,
41741 Throw them out the window,
41742 The wisdom of your ways,
41743 I've been there and I know,
41744 Lots of other ways...
41745 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41747 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41749 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41752 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41754 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41755 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41758 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41761 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41763 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41765 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41766 -- Garrison Keillor
41768 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41769 it's still darn tasty!
41771 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
41774 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41778 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41781 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41782 most amount of trouble.
41785 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41786 repeated until infinity.
41787 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41788 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41791 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41792 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41795 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41796 how children do not come into the world.
41799 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41801 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41802 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41805 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41806 pietists to oppress the human race.
41807 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41809 Shannon's Observation
41810 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41811 that is beginning to improve.
41814 To give in, endure humiliation.
41816 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41817 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41818 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41822 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41825 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41827 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41829 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41830 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41831 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41832 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41834 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41835 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41836 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41837 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41839 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41840 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41841 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41843 She been married so many times
41844 she got rice marks all over her face.
41847 She blinded me with science!
41849 She can kill all your files;
41850 She can freeze with a frown.
41851 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41852 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41853 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41854 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41856 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41859 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41861 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41864 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41867 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41868 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41869 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41870 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41871 involvement in "The Avengers".
41873 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41876 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41877 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41879 She often gave herself very good advice
41880 (though she very seldom followed it).
41883 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
41884 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41886 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41887 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41888 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41889 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41891 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41893 She stood on the tracks
41895 Leading me to that third rail shock
41897 She changed her mind
41899 She gave me a night
41901 What will it take until I stop
41905 There's nothing else I can do
41906 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41907 I don't want anyone new
41908 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41909 There's nothing in it for you
41910 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41911 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41913 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41914 But she's just a crumb up here
41915 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41916 With a cauliflower ear
41917 Someday we will be married
41918 And if vegetables become too dear
41919 I'll just cut me a slice of
41920 Her cauliflower ear!
41921 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41923 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41924 good at being short.
41925 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41927 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41929 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41931 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41934 All trails have more uphill sections
41935 than they have downhill sections.
41937 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41939 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41940 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41941 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41942 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41943 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41944 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41945 bad fiction contest.
41947 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41948 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41949 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41952 She's genuinely bogus.
41954 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41955 that others waste time putting into words.
41957 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41959 She's such a kinky girl,
41960 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41961 She will never let your spirits down
41962 Once you get her off the street.
41964 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41967 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41970 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41973 Shift to the right,
41975 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41978 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41982 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41984 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41985 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41986 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41987 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41990 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41991 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41992 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41994 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41995 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41996 body join her long dead brain.
41998 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41999 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42002 Short people get rained on last.
42004 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42007 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42008 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42011 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42012 playing golf with his boss.
42014 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42016 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42018 Showing up is 80% of life.
42021 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42024 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42025 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42028 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42030 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42031 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42034 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42036 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42038 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42040 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42042 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42043 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42045 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42046 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42050 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42053 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42055 sillema sillema nika su
42056 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42058 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42060 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42061 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42062 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42063 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42064 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42065 intersection in town. BUT!
42067 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42068 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42070 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42071 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42072 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42073 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42075 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42076 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42079 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42082 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42084 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42088 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42089 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42090 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42093 -- by Claude E. Shannon
42095 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42101 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42103 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42104 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42105 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42108 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42109 when others believe him.
42110 -- Charles DeGaulle
42112 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42114 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42115 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42116 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42118 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42119 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42120 burst out in laughter.
42123 Since I hurt my pendulum
42124 My life is all erratic.
42125 My parrot who was cordial
42126 Is now transmitting static.
42127 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42128 The cat keeps doing poo.
42129 The only thing that keeps me sane
42130 Is talking to my shoe.
42133 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42136 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42140 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42141 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42143 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42145 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42147 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
42150 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
42151 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
42152 -- Winston Churchill
42154 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42155 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42156 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42158 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42159 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
42160 It'll cost you though".
42162 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
42163 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
42165 "An arm and a leg", said God.
42167 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
42170 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42171 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42172 gives us modern art.
42175 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42176 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42177 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42178 should have gotten.
42180 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42181 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42182 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42183 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42184 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42187 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42189 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
42190 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
42192 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
42193 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
42194 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
42195 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
42196 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
42197 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
42198 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
42199 for deliverance from chains.
42200 -- Frederick Douglass
42202 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42205 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42207 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42208 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
42209 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42210 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42211 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42212 attracted to dark objects.
42215 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42220 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42223 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42224 it sits in the dish too long.
42225 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42227 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42229 Small is beautiful.
42230 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42232 Small things make base men proud.
42233 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42235 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42236 teacher was in my class for five years.
42239 Smear the road with a runner!!
42241 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42243 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42245 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42248 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42249 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42250 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42251 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42252 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42253 filed 30 days in advance.
42255 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42258 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42260 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42261 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42264 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42265 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42267 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42269 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42272 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42274 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42276 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42277 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42279 Snow Day -- stay home.
42281 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42282 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42283 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42284 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42285 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42286 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42288 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42289 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42290 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42291 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42293 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42294 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42295 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42296 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42297 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42298 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42299 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42302 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42305 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42306 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42307 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42308 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42309 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42310 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42311 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42312 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42313 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42315 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42316 praise of intelligence.
42317 -- Bertrand Russell
42319 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42320 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42321 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42322 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42324 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42325 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42326 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42327 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42328 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42329 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42330 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42331 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42332 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42334 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42336 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42337 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42339 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42342 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42343 large as it needs to be?
42345 So little time, so little to do.
42348 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42349 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42351 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42354 So many men and so little time.
42356 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42357 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42359 So many women, and so little time!
42361 So many women, so little nerve.
42363 So much food, and so little time!
42379 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42402 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42403 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42404 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42406 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42407 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42408 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42409 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42410 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42411 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42415 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42416 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42417 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42419 So... so you think you can tell
42421 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
42422 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
42423 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
42424 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
42425 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
42427 A walk on part in a war
42428 For the lead role in a cage?
42429 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
42431 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
42432 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
42434 So, you better watch out!
42435 You better not cry!
42436 You better not pout!
42437 I'm telling you why,
42438 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
42440 He knows when you've been sleeping,
42441 He know when you're awake.
42442 He knows if you've been bad or good,
42443 He has ties with the CIA.
42446 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
42447 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
42448 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
42449 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
42450 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
42451 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
42452 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
42454 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
42455 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
42458 So you're back... about time...
42460 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
42461 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
42465 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
42468 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
42470 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
42472 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
42473 The government sells it.
42475 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
42477 The government shoots one cow,
42478 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
42480 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
42482 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
42485 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
42489 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
42491 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
42492 like a staff function."
42495 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
42496 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
42497 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
42498 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
42500 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
42501 Are practically zero,
42502 But those who wish to be civilians,
42503 They run into the millions.
42505 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
42508 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
42509 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
42512 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
42513 and some few to be chewed and digested.
42515 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
42517 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
42518 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
42520 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
42521 as when you find a trout in the milk.
42524 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
42526 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
42528 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
42530 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
42532 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
42535 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
42539 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
42540 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
42541 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
42543 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
42545 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
42546 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
42549 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
42550 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
42552 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
42555 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
42556 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
42559 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
42560 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
42563 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
42566 Some men who fear that they are playing
42567 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
42569 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
42570 The answer is: I don't know.
42571 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
42573 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
42574 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
42575 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
42576 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
42577 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
42578 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
42579 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
42580 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
42582 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
42583 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
42584 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
42585 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
42586 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
42587 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
42588 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
42589 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
42590 he received, shame and wounds."
42592 Some of the things that live the longest
42593 in peoples' memories never really happened.
42595 Some of them want to use you,
42596 Some of them want to be used by you,
42597 ...Everybody's looking for something.
42600 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
42603 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
42604 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
42605 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
42606 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
42607 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
42608 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
42609 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
42610 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
42611 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
42612 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
42613 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
42615 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
42617 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
42618 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
42620 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
42621 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
42622 two-dimensional ones.
42623 -- F. Frederick Skitty
42625 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
42627 Some people cause happiness wherever
42628 they go; others, whenever they go.
42630 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
42631 but at least you only have to climb it once.
42633 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
42634 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
42636 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
42638 Some people have parts that are so private
42639 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
42641 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
42644 Some people live life in the fast lane.
42645 You're in oncoming traffic.
42647 Some people manage by the book, even though they
42648 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
42650 Some people need a good imaginary cure
42651 for their painful imaginary ailment.
42653 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
42655 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
42657 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
42658 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
42661 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
42662 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
42664 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
42665 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
42669 Some points to remember [about animals]:
42671 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
42673 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
42674 front of your clothes;
42675 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
42676 you have just kicked.
42677 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42679 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
42680 And tasted it, and found it good.
42681 And that is why your Cousin May
42682 Fell through the parlor floor today.
42685 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
42687 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42689 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
42691 Some say the world will end in fire,
42693 From what I've tasted of desire
42694 I hold with those who favor fire.
42695 But if it had to perish twice
42696 I think I know enough of hate
42697 To say that for destruction, ice
42700 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
42702 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
42705 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
42707 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
42710 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
42711 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
42713 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
42714 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
42715 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
42716 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
42718 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
42719 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
42720 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
42721 That don't smell very nice --
42722 He's nobody's moggy now.
42724 Oh you who love your pussy,
42725 Be sure to keep him in.
42726 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
42727 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
42728 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
42729 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
42730 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
42731 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
42732 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
42733 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
42734 Just red and squashed and soggy --
42735 He's nobody's moggy now.
42736 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
42738 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42739 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42741 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42742 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42744 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42745 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42746 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42749 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42752 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42754 Someday your prints will come.
42757 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42758 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42759 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42761 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42763 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42764 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42765 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42768 Someone is speaking well of you.
42771 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42773 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42775 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42777 Something better...
42779 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42780 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42781 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42782 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42783 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42784 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42786 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42788 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42789 mind putting that thing away.
42790 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42791 It's what's in it that matters.
42792 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42794 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42795 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42797 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42798 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42800 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42801 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42803 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42806 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42807 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42810 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42813 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42814 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42817 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42818 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42819 -- Richard M. Nixon
42821 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42824 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42825 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42826 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42827 Either light up or leave me alone.
42829 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42830 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42834 Sometimes I live in the country,
42835 And sometimes I live in town.
42836 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42837 To jump in the river and drown.
42839 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42840 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42842 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42843 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42844 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42846 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42849 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42852 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42854 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42855 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42856 me because I am beautiful.
42857 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
42859 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42861 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42862 Other times I can hardly see.
42863 Lately it occurs to me
42864 What a long strange trip it's been.
42865 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42867 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42870 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42871 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42872 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42873 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42876 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42877 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42880 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42884 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42886 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42888 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42889 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42892 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42895 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42896 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42897 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42898 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42899 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42901 Song Title of the Week:
42902 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42905 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42906 paid may disregard this fortune).
42908 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42912 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42914 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42916 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42917 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42918 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42919 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42921 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42924 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42927 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42928 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42929 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42930 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42933 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42935 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42937 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42940 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42941 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42942 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42945 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42946 And beat him when he sneezes:
42947 He only does it to annoy
42948 Because he knows it teases.
42952 I speak severely to my boy,
42953 And beat him when he sneezes:
42954 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42955 The pepper when he pleases!
42958 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
42960 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42961 And boot it when it crashes;
42962 It knows that one cannot relax
42963 Because the paging thrashes!
42967 I speak severely to my VAX,
42968 And boot it when it crashes;
42969 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42970 My jobs it always thrashes!
42974 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42976 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42979 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42980 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42981 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42982 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42983 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42984 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42985 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42986 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42987 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42988 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42989 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42990 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42991 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42992 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42993 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42994 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42995 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42996 syllable is thine!"
42997 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42999 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
43000 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
43001 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
43002 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
43003 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
43004 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
43005 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
43006 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
43007 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43009 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43011 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43012 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43013 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43014 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43015 Helpless users with projects due
43016 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43018 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43019 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43021 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43022 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43025 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43026 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43027 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43028 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43029 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43030 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43031 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43032 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43034 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43035 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43037 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43038 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43039 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43040 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43041 Faculty members especially welcome.
43043 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
43045 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43046 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43047 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43048 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43050 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43051 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43052 number of times you have looked at it.
43054 Spelling is a lossed art.
43056 Spence's Admonition:
43057 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43059 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43065 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43067 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43069 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43070 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43072 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43075 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43076 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43078 Spring is here, spring is here,
43079 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43082 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43083 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43085 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43087 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43088 who through strategy and stealth
43089 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43090 Here's a toasting to his health --
43091 but not too many toastings
43092 lest you lose yourself and then
43093 forget the good St. Patrick
43094 and see all those snakes again.
43096 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43098 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43100 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43101 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43102 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43103 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43104 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43105 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
43106 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
43107 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
43108 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
43109 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
43110 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
43111 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
43112 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
43113 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
43114 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
43115 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
43116 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
43117 All it said was: "Write two letters."
43119 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43121 Stamp out philately.
43124 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43126 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43127 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43128 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43131 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43133 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43134 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43136 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
43137 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
43138 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
43139 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
43142 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43145 Start the day with a smile.
43146 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43148 State license plates we'd like to see:
43150 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
43152 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
43156 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
43158 State license plates we'd like to see:
43162 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
43164 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
43166 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
43170 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43172 State license plates we'd like to see:
43174 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43175 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43176 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43178 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43180 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43182 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43183 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43184 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43188 A system for expressing your political
43189 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43191 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43194 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43196 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43198 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43202 Stay together, drag each other down.
43204 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43205 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43206 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43208 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43209 Though we really did try to make it,
43210 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43212 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43213 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43214 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43216 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43217 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43218 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43220 But it's too late baby...
43221 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43222 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43224 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43225 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43226 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43227 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43228 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43230 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43232 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43233 Good enough is never good enough.
43235 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43236 Everybody should believe in something --
43237 I believe I'll have another drink.
43239 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43240 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43243 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43244 Embezzlement is another matter.
43247 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43249 Step back, unbelievers!
43250 Or the rain will never come.
43251 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43252 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43253 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43254 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43256 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43257 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43258 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43259 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43260 very little call for those up there.
43261 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43263 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43264 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43266 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43267 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43269 Stock's Observation:
43270 You no sooner get your head above water
43271 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43274 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43276 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43277 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43278 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43279 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43280 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43281 on the credulity of human nature.
43283 Stop me, before I kill again!
43285 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43286 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43288 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43290 Strange things are done to be number one
43291 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43292 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43293 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43294 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43295 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43296 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43297 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43298 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43299 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43300 The movers came to crate the frame;
43301 It weighed a million ton!
43302 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43303 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43304 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43305 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43306 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43307 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43308 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43309 Because they couldn't deliver.
43310 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43313 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43316 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43317 after those creating it have left the organization.
43319 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43321 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43322 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43323 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43324 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43325 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43326 and have a nice day.
43328 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43329 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43330 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43331 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43334 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43335 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43338 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43340 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43342 Stupidity is its own reward.
43345 90% of everything is crud.
43347 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43349 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43350 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43352 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
43353 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43356 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
43357 way before it is understood.
43359 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43360 the streets after them.
43363 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43365 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43367 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43368 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43370 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43372 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43374 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43376 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
43377 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43379 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43381 Such a fine first dream!
43382 But they laughed at me; they said
43385 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43386 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43388 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43389 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43390 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43392 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43393 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43395 Sudden Death Dating:
43398 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43399 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43401 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43402 without his duck ...
43404 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43405 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43406 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43407 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43408 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43410 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43412 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43414 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43419 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43420 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43421 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43424 The Network IS the Load Average.
43426 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43428 To code the impossible code,
43429 To bring up a virgin machine,
43430 To pop out of endless recursion,
43431 To grok what appears on the screen,
43433 To right the unrightable bug,
43434 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43435 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43436 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43439 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43440 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43441 progressively reducing solar elevation.
43443 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
43444 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
43447 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
43448 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
43449 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
43450 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
43452 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
43453 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
43455 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
43457 -- Overheard at a supervision
43459 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
43461 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
43463 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
43465 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
43466 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
43468 Support the Girl Scouts!
43469 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
43471 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
43473 Support your local church or synagogue.
43474 Worship at Bank of America.
43476 Support your local police force -- steal!!
43478 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
43480 Support your right to arm bears!!
43482 Support your right to bare arms!
43483 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
43485 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
43486 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
43487 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
43488 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
43489 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
43490 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
43491 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
43493 -- Christopher Evans
43495 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
43497 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
43498 But what if he forgets?
43500 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
43501 men in national government too.
43502 -- Richard M. Nixon
43504 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
43506 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
43507 Just type in your name and social security number.
43508 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
43514 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
43516 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
43519 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
43520 strapped on with electrical tape.
43523 The way of the tuna.
43525 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
43526 -- William Shakespeare
43529 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
43533 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
43536 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
43539 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
43541 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
43544 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
43545 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
43547 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
43548 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
43549 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
43551 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
43553 Swipple's Rule of Order:
43554 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
43556 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
43557 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
43560 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
43561 unusually pale and clear.
43562 Problem: Glass empty.
43563 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43565 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
43566 and the front of your shirt is wet.
43567 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
43568 wrong part of face.
43569 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
43570 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
43572 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43574 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
43575 Fault: The Bar is closing.
43576 Action Required: Panic.
43578 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
43579 You cannot see the bathroom light.
43580 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
43581 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
43582 treat yourself to a lie-in.
43584 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43586 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
43587 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
43588 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
43591 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
43592 Fault: Improper bladder control.
43593 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
43594 to the owner about its lack of house training and
43595 demand a beer as compensation.
43597 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43599 Symptom: Floor blurred.
43600 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
43601 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43603 Symptom: Floor moving.
43604 Fault: You are being carried out.
43605 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
43606 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
43608 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43610 Symptom: Floor swaying.
43611 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
43613 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
43615 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
43616 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
43617 Fault: You have fallen forward.
43618 Action Required: See above.
43620 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
43621 flourescent light strips.
43622 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
43623 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
43624 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
43625 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
43627 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43629 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
43630 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43632 System checkpoint complete.
43634 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
43636 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
43638 System going down in 5 minutes.
43640 System restarting, wait...
43642 System/3! System/3!
43643 See how it runs! See how it runs!
43644 Its monitor loses so totally!
43645 It runs all its programs in RPG!
43646 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
43649 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
43650 Works equally poorly on all systems.
43652 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
43653 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
43654 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43656 Systems programmer:
43657 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
43658 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
43659 are to receive from your boss.
43661 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
43664 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
43665 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
43666 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
43667 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
43668 -- The Roguelet's ABC
43671 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
43673 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
43676 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
43679 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
43680 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
43682 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
43685 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
43687 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
43688 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
43690 Take an astronaut to launch.
43692 Take care of the luxuries and the
43693 necessities will take care of themselves.
43696 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
43697 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
43699 Take everything in stride.
43700 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
43702 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
43703 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
43705 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
43707 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
43709 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
43714 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
43715 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
43718 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
43719 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
43720 have given them to you.
43722 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
43725 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
43726 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
43727 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
43728 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
43730 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
43732 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
43733 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
43734 -- Booth Tarkington
43736 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
43737 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43740 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43742 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43745 Talkers are no good doers.
43746 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43748 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43751 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43752 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43754 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43755 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43756 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43758 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43759 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43760 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43761 It's hanging there on the shed.
43763 All together now...
43764 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43765 Tie me kangaroo down.
43766 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43767 Tie me kangaroo down.
43769 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43770 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43773 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43774 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43775 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43776 headed. You are a Communist.
43778 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43779 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43780 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43781 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43783 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43784 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43785 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43786 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43791 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43792 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43795 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43798 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43801 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43804 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43806 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43807 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43808 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43810 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43813 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43814 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43816 Teachers have class.
43819 Having someone to blame.
43821 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43824 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43825 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43826 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43827 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43828 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43829 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43830 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43831 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43832 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43834 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43835 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43836 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43837 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43838 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43839 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43840 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43841 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43842 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43843 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43844 a moment and then log off.
43846 Technological progress has merely provided us
43847 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43850 Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
43851 Teeth for humans are in the soul.
43852 A strong body defeats one,
43853 A strong soul conquers many.
43854 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43856 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43857 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43859 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43860 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43861 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43862 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43866 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43867 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43868 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43871 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43872 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43873 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43874 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43876 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43879 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43882 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43883 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43885 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43889 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43890 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43892 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43893 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43896 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43897 rather than each other.
43899 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43900 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43901 to touch to be sure.
43903 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43904 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43905 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43906 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43909 Tell me what to think!!!
43911 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43912 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43913 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43914 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43916 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43917 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43918 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43919 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43921 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43922 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43925 Tempt me with a spoon!
43927 Tempt not a desperate man.
43928 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43930 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43931 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43932 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43933 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43934 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43935 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43936 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43937 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43938 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43940 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43943 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43944 way of telling you to stop writing.
43947 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43948 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43949 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43950 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43951 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43952 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43953 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43954 It sleeps well the horned head:
43955 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43956 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43957 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43958 Your friends to death before their time.
43959 Moping, melancholy mad:
43960 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43963 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43964 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43967 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43968 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43969 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43970 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43971 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43973 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43974 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43975 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43976 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43977 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43978 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43979 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43980 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43981 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43982 contemptuously rejected it.
43983 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43984 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43988 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43989 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43990 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43991 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43992 the solution will turn blue-green.
43994 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
43995 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43997 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44002 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44003 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44004 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44007 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44008 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44009 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44010 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44011 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44012 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44013 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44014 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44015 called you from here."
44017 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44020 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44022 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44023 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
44024 -- J. Finnegan, USC
44026 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44029 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44030 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44032 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44034 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44035 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44037 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
44040 That does not compute.
44042 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
44043 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
44044 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
44045 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
44047 That feeling just came over me.
44048 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44050 That government is best which governs least.
44051 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44053 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44054 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44055 in the same way as us.
44056 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44064 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44067 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44069 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44070 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44071 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44074 That, that is not, is not.
44075 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44076 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44078 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44079 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44080 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44081 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44082 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44083 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44084 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44086 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44088 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44091 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44092 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44093 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44096 That's always the way when you discover
44097 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44103 How much does it cost?
44105 I only have a dollar.
44108 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44109 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44110 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44111 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44112 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44114 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44115 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
44116 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44121 That's odd. That's very odd.
44122 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44124 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44127 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44128 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44130 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44131 really hate is lousy programmers.
44132 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44134 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44135 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44138 That's what she said.
44140 That's where the money was.
44141 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44143 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44146 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44149 The 357.73 Theory --
44150 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44151 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44153 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
44155 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
44156 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
44157 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
44159 The Abrams' Principle:
44160 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
44162 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
44165 The absent ones are always at fault.
44167 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
44170 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44171 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44173 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44176 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44177 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44178 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44179 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44180 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44181 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44183 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44184 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44185 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44187 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44188 -- Thomas Jefferson
44190 The Advertising Agency Song:
44192 When your client's hopping mad,
44193 Put his picture in the ad.
44194 If he still should prove refractory,
44195 Add a picture of his factory.
44197 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44198 he is already degraded.
44201 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44202 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44205 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44206 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44208 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44209 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44212 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44214 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44216 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44217 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44220 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44221 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44222 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44224 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44225 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44229 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44230 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44231 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44233 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44234 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44235 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44238 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44239 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44241 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44244 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
44245 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44246 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44248 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44249 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44250 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44251 even better, nobody has to play it.
44252 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44254 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44255 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44257 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44259 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44262 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44263 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44266 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44267 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44268 --Salvador De Madariaga
44270 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44271 -- Albertano of Brescia
44273 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44274 doctors nor lawyers.
44277 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44278 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44279 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44280 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44281 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44282 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44283 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44284 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
44285 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44286 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44287 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44288 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
44289 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44290 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44291 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44292 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44293 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44294 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44295 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44296 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44297 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44299 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44300 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44301 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44302 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44303 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44304 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44305 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44306 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44307 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44308 fire-fighting aircraft.
44310 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44312 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44314 Four day work week,
44315 Two ply toilet paper!
44317 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44318 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44319 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44321 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44322 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44323 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44324 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44325 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44326 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44327 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44330 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44331 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44332 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44333 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44334 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44336 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44337 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44338 and color, but also on ability.
44341 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44344 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44345 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44346 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44349 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44350 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44352 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44353 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44354 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44355 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44356 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44357 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44358 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44359 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44360 and therefore do not exist.
44362 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44364 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44365 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44366 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44368 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44369 the morning feeling just terrible.
44372 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44374 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44375 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44377 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44379 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44380 one graveyard to another.
44381 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44383 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44384 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44385 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44389 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44390 average man can see better than he can think.
44392 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44393 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44394 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44396 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44397 carries any reward.
44398 -- John Maynard Keynes
44400 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44401 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44403 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44405 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44406 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44407 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44408 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44409 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44411 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44412 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44413 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44414 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44416 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44417 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44418 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44419 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44420 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44421 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44422 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44423 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44424 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44425 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44426 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44427 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44429 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44431 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44432 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44433 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44434 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44435 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44436 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44437 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44438 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44439 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44440 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44441 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44442 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44443 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44445 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44446 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44447 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
44448 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
44449 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
44450 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44453 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
44455 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
44456 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
44458 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
44459 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
44462 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
44465 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
44466 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
44468 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
44469 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
44470 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
44471 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
44472 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
44473 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
44475 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
44477 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
44480 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
44482 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
44486 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
44489 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
44490 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
44491 by judging things by their price.
44493 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
44494 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
44495 them while they do it.
44496 -- Theodore Roosevelt
44498 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
44500 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
44503 The best man for the job is often a woman.
44505 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
44507 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
44509 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
44510 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
44513 The best prophet of the future is the past.
44515 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
44516 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
44518 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
44519 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
44520 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
44521 being read by a corpse.
44523 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
44524 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
44525 drifting side by side to our common doom.
44528 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
44529 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
44531 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
44533 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
44535 The best things in life are for a fee.
44537 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
44539 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
44541 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
44543 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
44545 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
44547 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
44551 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
44552 smoke is a right worth dying for.
44554 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
44555 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
44556 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
44557 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
44558 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
44559 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
44560 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
44562 The best you get is an even break.
44565 The better part of valor is discretion.
44566 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
44568 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
44569 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
44572 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
44573 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
44574 It's just that they need more supervision.
44576 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
44577 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
44580 The Bible on letters of reference:
44582 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
44583 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
44584 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
44585 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
44586 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
44588 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
44591 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
44592 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
44593 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
44594 hungry all the time?
44596 The bigger the theory the better.
44598 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
44600 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
44603 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
44604 working for someone else.
44606 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
44609 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
44610 and the bird is on the wing.
44613 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
44614 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
44615 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
44616 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
44617 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
44618 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
44619 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
44620 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
44622 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
44624 The bogosity meter just pegged.
44626 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
44627 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
44629 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
44630 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
44632 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
44633 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
44634 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
44635 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
44636 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
44637 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
44638 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
44639 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44641 The boy stood on the burning deck,
44642 Eating peanuts by the peck.
44643 His father called him, but he could not go,
44644 For he loved those peanuts so.
44646 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
44647 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
44649 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
44650 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
44651 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
44652 one, and convert to the next higher units.
44654 The British are coming! The British are coming!
44656 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
44657 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
44658 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44660 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
44661 and humiliating reality.
44664 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
44665 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
44666 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
44667 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
44668 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44670 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
44671 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
44672 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
44675 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
44676 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
44679 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
44680 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
44681 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
44682 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
44685 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
44686 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
44687 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
44688 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
44690 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
44691 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
44692 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
44693 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
44694 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
44696 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
44699 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
44700 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
44702 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
44703 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
44706 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
44707 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
44708 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
44709 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
44711 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44713 The camel has a single hump;
44715 Or else the other way around.
44716 I'm never sure. Are you?
44719 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
44720 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
44721 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
44722 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
44725 The carbonyl is polarized,
44726 The delta end is plus.
44727 The nucleophile will thus attack,
44728 The carbon nucleus.
44729 Addition makes an alcohol,
44730 Of types there are but three.
44731 It makes a bond, to correspond,
44732 From C to shining C.
44733 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
44735 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
44736 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
44738 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
44740 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44743 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44747 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44748 at the steam fitters picnic.
44750 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
44753 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44756 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44759 The church is near but the road is icy,
44760 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44763 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44766 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44767 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44768 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44770 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44772 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44775 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44776 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44777 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44778 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44779 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44780 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44781 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44783 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44785 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44786 is when he fills out a job application form.
44787 -- Stanley J. Randall
44789 The clothes have no emperor.
44790 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44792 The coast was clear.
44795 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44796 intellectual nakedness.
44797 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44799 The Commandments of the EE:
44801 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44802 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44803 embarrassing manner.
44804 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44805 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44806 earthly vale of tears.
44807 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44808 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44809 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44811 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44812 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44815 The Commandments of the EE:
44817 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44818 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44819 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44820 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44821 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44822 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44823 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44824 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44825 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44826 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44827 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44828 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44829 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44830 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44831 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44833 The Commandments of the EE:
44835 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44836 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44837 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44838 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44839 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44840 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44841 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44842 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44843 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44844 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44845 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44846 innocent-seeming device.
44848 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44850 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44852 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44853 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44854 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44858 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44859 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44862 The Computer made me do it.
44864 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44867 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44868 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44870 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44872 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44874 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44875 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44876 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44878 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44880 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44881 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44882 every bird watcher in the country.
44883 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44885 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44886 than what we've got!
44888 The Consultant's Curse:
44889 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44890 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44891 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44893 The control of the production of wealth
44894 is the control of human life itself.
44897 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44898 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44899 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44900 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44902 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44904 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44906 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44909 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44911 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44913 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44914 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44915 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44916 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44918 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44920 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44923 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44924 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44925 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44926 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44927 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44930 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44931 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce
44933 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44936 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44938 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
44940 The Crown is full of it!
44941 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44943 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44944 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44945 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44946 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44947 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44948 of all our rights and privileges.
44949 -- William Ellery Channing
44952 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44953 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44956 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44959 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44960 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44962 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44963 Every class is unfit to govern.
44966 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44967 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44968 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44969 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44970 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
44971 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44972 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44973 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44974 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44976 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44977 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44978 -- Henry David Thoreau
44980 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44982 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44983 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44984 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44985 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44986 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44987 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44988 -- Thomas Jefferson
44990 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44992 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44995 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44996 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44997 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44999 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45001 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45002 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45003 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
45004 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45006 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45008 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45009 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45011 The degree of civilization in a society
45012 can be judged by entering its prisons.
45015 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45016 proportional to the level of management.
45018 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45019 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45020 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45022 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45023 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45024 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45025 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45026 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45027 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45029 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45030 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45031 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45033 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
45034 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45035 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45036 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45037 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45038 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45039 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45040 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45042 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45045 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45046 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45048 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45050 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45053 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45055 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45057 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45059 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45060 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45063 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45064 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45065 it would be a calamity.
45066 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45068 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45069 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45071 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45072 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45073 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45075 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45076 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45077 is thinking that they're conspiring.
45080 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45081 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45083 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45085 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45086 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45088 The difference between reality and unreality
45089 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45092 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45093 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45096 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45097 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45098 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45099 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45100 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45102 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45103 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45104 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45106 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45108 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45109 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45112 The difference between this place and yogurt
45113 is that yogurt has a live culture.
45115 The difference between us is not very far,
45116 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45118 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45121 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45123 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45124 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45125 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45128 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45130 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45132 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45133 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45136 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45137 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45139 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45140 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45141 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45142 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45143 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45144 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45145 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45146 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45147 Jews won't go near them."
45148 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
45150 The distinction between true and false appears to become
45151 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
45154 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
45155 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
45157 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
45158 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
45159 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
45162 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
45163 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
45164 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
45166 The door is the key.
45168 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
45169 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
45170 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
45171 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
45173 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45174 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45176 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45180 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45182 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45184 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45185 and owns the worm farm.
45188 The early worm gets the bird.
45190 The early worm gets the late bird.
45192 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45194 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45197 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45198 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45200 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45201 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45202 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45203 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45204 valuable possession to him.
45206 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45207 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45208 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45209 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45210 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45211 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45212 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45215 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45216 weather forecasters.
45217 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45219 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45220 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45223 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45225 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45226 Compute' -- I forget which."
45227 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45229 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45230 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45231 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
45232 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45233 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45234 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
45235 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45236 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45237 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45238 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45239 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45240 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45241 wall when the revolution came'.
45243 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45244 -- Buckminster Fuller
45246 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45248 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45250 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45252 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45253 symposium to follow.
45255 The ends justify the means.
45256 -- after Matthew Prior
45258 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45259 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45260 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45261 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45264 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45265 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45266 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45268 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45269 their children to speak it.
45270 -- George Bernard Shaw
45272 The English instinctively admire any man
45273 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45274 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45276 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45277 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45278 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45279 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45280 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45281 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45282 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45283 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45285 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45286 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45287 "A rich, Jewish family."
45289 "A German aristocrat."
45290 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45291 "I spent most of my life in England."
45292 "How did you make a living there?"
45293 "A friend supported me."
45294 "Where did you get the money from?"
45295 "He owned a textile factory."
45297 "Never heard of him."
45298 "What is your name?"
45301 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45302 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45303 a substitute for intelligence.
45306 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45309 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45312 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45313 is the most likely to be correct.
45314 -- William of Occam
45316 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45317 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45318 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45319 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45320 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45321 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45322 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45323 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45324 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45327 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45329 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45330 All the livelong day;
45331 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45332 You cannot get away;
45333 Do not think you can escape them
45334 From night 'til early in the morn;
45335 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45336 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45337 -- University of Texas' school song
45339 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45340 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45341 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45342 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45344 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45345 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45348 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
45349 in general as no other can.
45352 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45355 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45356 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45360 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
45361 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
45363 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45365 The farther you go, the less you know.
45366 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45368 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45369 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45371 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45372 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45373 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45374 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45375 so long as they are Tories.
45376 -- Christopher Booker
45378 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45381 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45382 -- The Grateful Dead
45384 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45385 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45387 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45388 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45389 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45390 of their own homes.
45391 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45396 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45397 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45398 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45400 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45401 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45402 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45403 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45405 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45406 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45408 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45409 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45410 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45411 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45412 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45413 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45414 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45415 for them to despise science fiction.
45416 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
45418 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45419 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45420 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45421 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45422 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45423 center at Notre Dame."
45424 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45427 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45428 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45429 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45430 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45431 and become lesbians."
45433 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45434 (1) write down the problem.
45435 (2) think very hard.
45436 (3) write down the answer.
45437 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45440 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45442 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45443 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45445 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45447 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45449 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
45450 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
45452 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
45454 -- John Quincy Adams
45456 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
45457 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
45458 to man are contained in it.
45461 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
45462 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
45463 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
45466 The First Commandment for Technicians:
45467 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45468 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45469 untechnician-like manner.
45471 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
45474 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
45475 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
45476 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
45477 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
45478 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
45479 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
45480 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
45481 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
45482 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
45483 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
45484 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
45485 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
45486 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
45487 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
45488 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
45489 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
45490 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
45491 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
45492 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
45493 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
45495 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
45496 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
45498 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
45499 and the second half by our children.
45502 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
45503 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
45505 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
45506 management is that success equals skill.
45509 The first requisite for immortality is death.
45512 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
45513 child, was propounded to me by my father:
45514 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
45516 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
45518 "A herring," said my father.
45519 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
45520 "So hang it there."
45521 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
45523 "But a herring isn't wet."
45524 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
45525 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
45527 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
45529 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
45531 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
45534 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45537 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
45538 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
45539 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
45541 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
45544 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
45548 The first thing I do in the morning
45549 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
45552 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
45553 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
45555 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
45556 The second, a trick.
45557 Later, it's a well-established technique!
45558 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
45560 The first version always gets thrown away.
45562 The five rules of Socialism:
45565 2. If you do think, don't speak.
45566 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
45567 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
45568 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
45570 -- being told in Poland, 1987
45572 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
45574 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
45575 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
45577 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
45580 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
45581 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
45583 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
45584 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
45585 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
45586 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
45588 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
45589 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
45590 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
45593 The following statement is not true.
45594 The previous statement is true.
45596 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
45598 1. You can't push on a string.
45599 2. Ain't no free lunches.
45600 3. Them as has, gets.
45601 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
45603 The Force is what holds everything together.
45604 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
45605 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
45607 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
45608 completely surrounded by people who want some.
45609 -- Dwight MacDonald
45611 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
45612 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
45613 rests on mutual help.
45616 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
45617 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
45619 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
45620 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
45622 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
45623 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
45625 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
45626 if the character does not have fire resistance.
45627 -- README file from the NetHack game
45629 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
45633 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
45634 -- Somerset Maugham
45636 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
45637 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
45639 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
45640 of both parties tactfully interferes.
45641 -- G. K. Chesterton
45643 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
45644 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
45645 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
45647 The future is a myth created by insurance
45648 salesmen and high school counselors.
45650 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
45653 The future is going to be boring.
45656 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
45658 The future lies ahead.
45660 The future not being born, my friend,
45661 we will abstain from baptizing it.
45664 The garden is in mourning;
45665 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
45666 Summer shivers quietly
45667 On its way towards its end.
45669 Golden leaf after leaf
45670 Falls from the tall acacia.
45671 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
45672 In this dying dream of a garden.
45674 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
45675 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
45677 Close her weary eyes.
45678 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
45680 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
45682 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
45683 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
45684 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
45687 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
45689 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
45691 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
45694 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
45695 remember her first husband.
45697 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
45699 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
45702 The glances over cocktails
45703 That seemed to be so sweet
45704 Don't seem quite so amorous
45705 Over Shredded Wheat
45707 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
45708 least until we've finished building it.
45710 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
45711 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
45713 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
45714 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
45716 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
45720 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
45721 He who has the gold makes the rules.
45723 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
45724 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
45725 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
45726 man in the bonds of Hell.
45729 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
45733 The good (I am convinced, for one)
45734 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
45735 Once your reputation's done
45736 You can live a life of fun.
45739 The good life was so elusive
45740 It really got me down
45741 I had to regain some confidence
45742 So I got into camaflouge
45744 The good time is approaching,
45745 The season is at hand.
45746 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45747 Will be heard throughout the land.
45748 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45749 Budless are the trees.
45750 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45751 Is borne upon the breeze.
45752 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45755 If a string has one end, it has another.
45757 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45758 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45759 and they can't fire it.
45761 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45762 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45763 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45764 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45765 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45766 down anything he damn well pleases.
45767 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45769 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45770 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45771 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45773 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45775 -- George Washington
45777 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45778 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45779 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45780 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45781 "Send Lord Combermere."
45782 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45783 Combermere a fool."
45784 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45785 -- G. W. E. Russell
45787 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45788 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45791 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45792 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45793 -- Benjamin Franklin
45795 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45797 The grave's a fine and private place,
45798 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45801 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45802 -- Charles de Gaulle
45804 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45805 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45806 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45807 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45808 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45810 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45812 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45813 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45815 The Great Movie Posters:
45817 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45818 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45819 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45821 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45822 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45823 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45825 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45826 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45827 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45828 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45829 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45831 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45832 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45833 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45835 The Great Movie Posters:
45837 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45839 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45841 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45842 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45844 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45846 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45848 The family that slays together stays together.
45849 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45851 The Great Movie Posters:
45853 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45856 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45857 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45858 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45860 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45863 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45866 The Great Movie Posters:
45868 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45869 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45870 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45871 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45873 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45874 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45876 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45877 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45878 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45879 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45880 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45882 They're Over-Exposed
45883 But Not Under-Developed!
45884 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45886 The Great Movie Posters:
45888 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45889 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45891 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45892 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45893 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45895 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45896 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45897 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45899 The Great Movie Posters:
45901 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45902 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45904 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45905 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45907 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45908 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45910 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45911 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45913 The Great Movie Posters:
45915 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45916 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45917 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45920 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45921 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45924 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45925 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45926 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45927 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45928 was a girl in love!
45929 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45930 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45932 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45933 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45935 The Great Movie Posters:
45937 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45938 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45940 She Sins in Mobile --
45941 Marries in Houston --
45942 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45943 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45944 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45947 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45948 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45950 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45951 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45952 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45953 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45954 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45955 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45957 The Great Movie Posters:
45959 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45960 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45961 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45962 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45963 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45964 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45965 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45966 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45969 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45970 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45972 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45973 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45974 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45975 give you the wim-wams!
45976 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45978 The Great Movie Posters:
45980 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45981 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45982 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45983 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45985 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45986 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45988 It's always better when you come again!
45989 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45991 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45994 The Great Movie Posters:
45996 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45997 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45998 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46000 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46002 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46005 TOMORROW the World!
46008 The Great Movie Posters:
46010 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46011 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46018 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
46019 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
46020 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46021 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46022 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46023 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46024 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46025 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46026 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46027 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46029 The Great Movie Posters:
46031 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46032 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46034 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46035 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46036 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46037 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46038 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46039 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46041 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46043 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46045 The Great Movie Posters:
46047 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46048 horror on a screaming world!
46049 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46051 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
46053 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46055 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46056 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46057 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46058 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46060 The Great Movie Posters:
46062 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46063 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46064 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46066 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46067 -- The French Line (1954)
46069 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46070 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46072 The Great Movie Posters:
46074 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46076 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46078 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46079 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46081 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46082 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46083 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46085 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46089 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46090 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46091 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46094 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46095 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46096 answered themselves.
46099 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46100 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46101 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46103 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46104 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46106 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46109 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46110 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46111 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46112 their wives and daughters to his arms.
46113 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
46115 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46118 The Greatest Mathematical Error
46119 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46120 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46121 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46122 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46123 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
46124 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46125 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46126 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46127 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46128 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46130 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46131 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46133 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46135 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46138 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46140 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46141 it delivers its message and then disappears.
46143 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
46144 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
46145 would have been useful to the chicken.
46147 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
46149 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
46152 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
46153 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
46155 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
46158 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
46159 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
46161 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
46162 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
46163 author's name on the title page.
46164 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
46166 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
46167 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
46169 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
46170 of functions performed by private citizens.
46171 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46173 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46174 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46176 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46179 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46181 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46183 The heaviest object in the world is the
46184 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46185 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46187 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46188 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46190 The help people need most urgently is
46191 help in admitting that they need help.
46193 The herd instinct among economists
46194 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
46196 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46197 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46198 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46199 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46200 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46201 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46203 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46205 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46206 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46207 least 5000 years old."
46209 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46210 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46212 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46213 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46214 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46215 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46216 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46218 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46220 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46221 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46224 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46226 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46228 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46229 pretext that your brother did it.
46231 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46234 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46235 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46238 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46239 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46242 The horror... the horror!
46244 The human animal differs from the lesser
46245 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
46248 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46249 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46250 -- Sir George Jessel
46252 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46253 has gills through which it can see.
46256 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
46257 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46259 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
46260 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
46263 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
46264 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
46265 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
46266 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
46267 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
46268 certain degree of awe.
46269 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46271 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46274 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46275 procession but carrying a banner.
46278 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46281 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46282 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46285 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46286 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46289 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46290 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46292 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46295 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46296 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46297 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46300 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46301 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46302 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46303 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46304 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46305 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46306 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46307 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46308 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46309 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46311 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46312 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46315 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46316 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46317 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46318 -- John Maynard Keyes
46320 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46323 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46325 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46328 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46332 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46333 A program is a lot like a nose:
46334 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46336 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46338 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46340 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46341 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46342 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46345 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46346 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46347 important thing to people.
46348 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46350 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46351 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46352 -- Bertrand Russell
46354 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46355 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46358 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46359 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46360 pointer and a mark.
46361 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46363 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46364 number of participants.
46367 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46368 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46369 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46370 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46371 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46372 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46373 overturning everything.
46374 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46376 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
46377 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
46379 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46380 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46381 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46382 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46384 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46385 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46386 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46387 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46389 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46390 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46393 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46394 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46395 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46396 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46397 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46400 The Junior God now heads the roll
46401 In the list of heaven's peers;
46402 He sits in the House of High Control,
46403 And he regulates the spheres.
46404 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46405 If, even in gods divine,
46406 The best and wisest may not be those
46407 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46410 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46411 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46412 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46413 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46414 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46415 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46416 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46417 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46418 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46419 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46420 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46421 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46422 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46423 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46424 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46425 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46427 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46428 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46431 The Kennedy Constant:
46432 Don't get mad -- get even.
46434 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46437 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46438 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46439 advantage to see the truth.
46440 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46442 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46444 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46445 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46447 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46449 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
46450 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
46452 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
46453 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
46456 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
46457 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
46458 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
46460 The knowledge that makes us cherish
46461 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
46464 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
46465 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
46466 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
46467 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
46468 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
46469 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
46470 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
46471 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
46472 And now, just look at me."
46474 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
46475 Would shudder at a wicked word.
46476 Their candle gives a single light;
46477 They'd rather stay at home at night.
46478 They do not keep awake till three,
46479 Nor read erotic poetry.
46480 They never sanction the impure,
46481 Nor recognize an overture.
46482 They shrink from powders and from paints...
46483 So far, I've had no complaints.
46486 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
46487 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
46488 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
46490 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
46493 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
46494 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
46496 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
46498 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
46501 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
46505 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
46506 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
46509 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
46512 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
46513 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
46516 The Law of the Letter:
46517 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
46519 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
46520 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46522 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
46524 -- Henry David Thoreau
46526 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
46527 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
46528 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
46532 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
46533 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
46534 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
46535 give a public reading of his latest poem.
46536 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
46537 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
46538 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
46539 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
46540 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
46541 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
46543 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
46544 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
46545 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
46546 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
46547 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
46548 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
46549 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
46550 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
46551 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
46553 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46555 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
46556 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
46557 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
46558 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
46559 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
46560 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
46561 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
46562 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
46563 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46565 The Least Successful Collector
46566 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
46567 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
46568 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
46569 works of Shakespeare.
46570 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
46571 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
46572 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
46573 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
46574 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
46575 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
46576 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46578 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
46579 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
46580 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
46581 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
46583 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
46584 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
46585 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
46586 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
46587 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
46588 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
46590 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46592 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
46593 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
46594 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
46595 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
46596 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
46598 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46600 The Least Successful Executions
46601 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
46602 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
46603 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
46604 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
46605 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
46606 punishment, he was reprieved.
46607 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
46608 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
46609 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
46610 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
46611 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
46612 to America and lived until 1933.
46613 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46615 The Least Successful Police Dogs
46616 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
46617 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
46618 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
46619 offend the criminal classes.
46620 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
46621 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
46622 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
46623 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
46624 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
46626 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
46627 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
46628 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
46629 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
46630 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46632 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
46635 The less time planning, the more time programming.
46637 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
46639 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
46640 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
46641 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
46642 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
46643 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
46644 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
46645 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
46646 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
46648 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
46650 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
46651 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
46652 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
46655 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
46657 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
46658 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
46659 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
46660 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
46661 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
46662 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
46664 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
46666 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
46667 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
46668 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
46669 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
46670 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
46672 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
46673 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
46674 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
46675 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
46677 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
46678 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
46680 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
46683 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
46684 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
46685 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
46688 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
46690 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
46691 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
46692 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
46693 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
46694 it travels across the screen.
46696 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
46698 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
46699 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
46700 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
46701 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
46703 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
46705 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
46706 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
46707 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
46708 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
46709 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
46711 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
46713 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
46714 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
46715 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
46716 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
46717 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
46718 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
46719 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
46720 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
46721 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
46722 who end up using this language.
46724 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
46726 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
46727 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
46728 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
46729 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
46730 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
46731 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
46732 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
46733 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
46734 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
46736 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
46739 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
46742 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46745 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46747 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46749 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46751 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46752 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46755 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46756 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46759 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46760 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46762 The little town that time forgot,
46763 Where all the women are strong,
46764 The men are good-looking,
46765 And the children above-average.
46766 -- Prairie Home Companion
46768 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46769 door with a basket of kittens.
46770 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46771 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46772 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46773 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46774 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46775 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46776 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46777 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46779 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46780 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46781 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46784 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46787 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46789 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46790 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46792 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46793 we could with both of them.
46794 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46796 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46797 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46799 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46803 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46804 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46806 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46807 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46808 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46809 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46810 steel through your last meal!'
46811 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46813 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46815 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46816 Are of imagination all compact...
46817 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46819 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46821 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46822 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46824 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46827 The major advances in civilization are processes
46828 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46831 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46832 bonds will eventually mature.
46834 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46837 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46841 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46842 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46846 The makers may make,
46847 And the users may use,
46848 But the fixers must fix
46849 With but minimal clues.
46851 The man she had was kind and clean
46852 And well enough for every day,
46853 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46854 The one that got away.
46855 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46857 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46858 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46859 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46861 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46862 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46863 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46864 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46865 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46866 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46867 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46868 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46869 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46870 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46871 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46872 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46874 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46875 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46877 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46879 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46882 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46885 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46886 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46888 The man who runs may fight again.
46891 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46892 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46893 -- Old Japanese proverb
46895 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46896 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46899 The man who understands one woman is
46900 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46903 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46904 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46907 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46908 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46911 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46914 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46916 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46917 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46918 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46920 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46921 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46924 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46925 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46926 master calls a butterfly.
46927 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46929 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46930 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46931 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46933 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46935 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46937 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46938 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46939 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46941 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46944 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46946 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46947 always end up on their ends without any means.
46950 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46951 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46953 The meek don't want it.
46955 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46957 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46959 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46960 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46962 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46965 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46967 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46969 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46970 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46972 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46974 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46975 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46978 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46979 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46981 -- Winston Churchill
46983 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46984 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46985 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46986 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46988 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46989 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46992 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46993 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46996 The operation completed successfully.
46998 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46999 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
47001 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47003 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47004 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47005 being who produces the impressions.
47006 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47008 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
47009 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
47010 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
47011 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
47012 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
47013 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47015 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47018 The Modelski Chain Rule:
47019 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47020 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47022 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47023 bright-looking individual.
47024 3: Procure a large chain.
47025 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47026 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47027 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47028 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47030 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47031 -- Laurence J. Peter
47033 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47034 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47036 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47038 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47039 -- Nicol Williamson
47041 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47043 The moon is made of green cheese.
47046 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47048 The Moral Majority is neither.
47050 The more control, the more that requires control.
47052 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47053 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47055 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47057 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47058 lower the mailing cost.
47059 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47061 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47063 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47064 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47066 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47067 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47069 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47070 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47073 The more the merrier.
47076 The more they over-think the plumbing
47077 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47079 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47082 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47084 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47086 The more we disagree, the more chance
47087 there is that at least one of us is right.
47089 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47091 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47093 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47094 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47095 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47097 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47099 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47102 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47104 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47105 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47106 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47107 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47108 have the good fortune to find one.
47111 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47112 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47113 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47116 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47117 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47120 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47121 -- American proverb
47123 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47126 b) The American Nazi Party
47127 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47129 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47130 the country is the one on which you resell it.
47133 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47134 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47136 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47137 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
47138 -- Theodore H. White
47140 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
47142 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
47143 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
47144 -- Alfred De Musset
47146 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
47147 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
47150 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
47151 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
47152 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
47153 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
47154 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
47155 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
47156 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
47157 starts a long, long time before the event.
47158 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
47159 from "Congress Eate It Up"
47161 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
47162 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
47165 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
47166 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
47167 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
47169 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47171 The most important early product on the way
47172 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47174 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47175 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47177 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47178 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47181 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47183 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47184 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47186 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47187 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47188 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47190 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47191 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47192 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47193 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47194 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47195 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47196 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47197 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47198 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47199 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47200 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47201 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47202 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47203 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47204 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47205 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47206 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47207 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47208 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47209 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47210 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47211 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47212 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47213 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47214 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
47215 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47217 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47218 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47222 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47223 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47224 them were fishermen.
47227 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47228 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47229 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47230 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47231 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47232 to commit adultery.
47233 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47234 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47235 the printers L3,000.
47236 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47238 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47239 children for their insurance money.
47242 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47244 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47245 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47246 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47247 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47249 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47250 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47251 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47253 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47254 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47256 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47257 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47259 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47260 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47263 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47264 Support your right to bare arms!
47266 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47269 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47272 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47273 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47274 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47275 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
47277 The net of law is spread so wide,
47278 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47279 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47280 They take in every child of wrong.
47281 O wondrous web of mystery!
47282 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47283 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47285 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47286 I hope I don't get run over again.
47288 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47289 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47292 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47294 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47295 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47297 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
47298 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47302 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47303 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47304 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47305 and running the country ...
47306 -- Robert J Woodhead
47308 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47309 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47312 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47313 The last thing I said was false.
47315 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47316 -- Lucille S. Harper
47318 The nice thing about standards
47319 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
47320 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47322 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47324 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47325 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47327 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47328 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47329 I'm burnt around the edges,
47330 But I'm tender in the middle.
47333 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47334 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47335 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47336 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47337 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47339 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
47340 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
47341 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47343 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47344 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47345 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47346 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47349 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47353 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47354 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47356 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47359 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47360 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47362 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47363 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47365 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47366 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47367 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47370 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
47371 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
47372 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
47375 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
47376 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47378 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47380 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47382 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47384 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
47385 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
47386 of Corporate Planning."
47388 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47390 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47391 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47392 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47393 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47395 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47397 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47398 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47399 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47400 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47401 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47402 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47404 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47405 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47406 more like fourteen.
47407 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47409 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47410 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47411 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47412 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47413 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47415 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47416 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
47419 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47420 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
47422 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47424 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
47425 Let the reader catch his own breath.
47426 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47428 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
47429 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
47432 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47435 The one good thing about repeating your
47436 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
47438 The one L lama, he's a priest
47439 The two L llama, he's a beast
47440 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47441 There isn't any three L lllama.
47442 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47443 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47445 The One Page Principle:
47446 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47447 cannot be understood.
47450 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47451 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47453 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47456 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47459 The only constant is change.
47461 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47462 right turn on a red light.
47465 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47466 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47468 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47470 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47471 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47474 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47475 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47476 -- The Indianapolis Star
47478 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47480 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47482 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47483 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47484 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47485 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47486 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47487 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47488 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47489 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47490 it and are delighted.
47493 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47496 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47497 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47498 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
47501 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47504 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47505 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47506 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47507 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47508 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47510 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47513 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47515 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47517 The only possible interpretation of any research
47518 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
47519 -- Ernest Rutherford
47521 The only problem with being a man of leisure
47522 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
47524 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47527 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47528 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47529 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47530 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47533 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47534 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47535 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47536 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47538 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47540 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47541 for getting acquainted.
47544 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47545 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47548 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47550 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
47551 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
47552 finished, and put inside boxes.
47553 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47555 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
47556 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
47559 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
47560 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47562 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
47564 The only thing better than love is milk.
47566 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
47568 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
47570 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
47572 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
47573 the first one was useless.
47574 -- Nicolas Chamfort
47576 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
47579 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
47580 the lessons that history has to teach.
47583 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
47586 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
47587 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
47588 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
47589 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
47591 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
47595 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
47597 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
47599 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
47600 he has lost over the years.
47601 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
47603 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
47606 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
47610 The only way to amuse some people
47611 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
47613 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
47616 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
47617 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
47620 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
47623 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
47624 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
47625 -- Jean de la Bruyere
47627 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
47630 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
47631 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47634 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47637 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
47639 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
47641 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
47642 and the pessimist knows it.
47643 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
47645 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
47646 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
47647 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
47648 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
47650 The optimum committee has no members.
47651 -- Norman Augustine
47653 The opulence of the front office door varies
47654 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
47656 The orders come down and they march us away.
47657 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
47658 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
47659 But it's better than working for Xerox.
47660 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
47662 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
47666 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
47669 The other line moves faster.
47671 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
47672 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
47673 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
47674 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
47675 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
47676 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
47677 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
47678 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
47679 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
47680 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
47681 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
47682 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
47684 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
47686 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
47687 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
47689 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
47690 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
47691 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
47692 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
47694 The past always looks better than it was.
47695 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
47696 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
47698 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
47699 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
47702 The people sensible enough to give
47703 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
47705 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
47706 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
47707 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
47708 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
47709 person you have always wanted to be.
47712 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
47715 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
47716 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
47720 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
47722 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
47724 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
47726 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
47728 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
47729 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
47730 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
47731 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
47733 The philosopher's treatment of a question
47734 is like the treatment of an illness.
47737 The Phone Booth Rule:
47738 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
47740 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
47741 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
47742 Let others think his heart is big,
47743 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47746 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47747 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47748 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47749 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47750 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47753 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47756 The plural of spouse is spice.
47758 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47759 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47760 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47763 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47764 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47765 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47766 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47767 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47768 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47769 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47770 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47771 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47772 the higher emotions.
47773 She would me "Honey" call,
47774 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47775 But now alas! She's left me
47777 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47778 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47779 The fives did fit her shoe.
47780 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47781 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47782 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47783 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47784 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47785 worst poet in England."
47786 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47788 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47789 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47792 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47793 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47794 save your sanity for later.
47796 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47797 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47798 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47799 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47800 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47802 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47805 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47806 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47807 -- Buckminster Fuller
47809 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47810 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47813 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47816 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47819 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47820 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47822 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47824 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47825 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47826 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47827 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47830 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47831 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47832 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47833 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47835 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47836 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47837 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47839 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47841 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47842 they might force their beliefs on us.
47845 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47848 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47849 knowledge of its ugly side.
47852 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47853 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47854 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47856 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47858 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47859 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47861 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47862 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47863 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47864 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47865 program, should the value of pi change.
47866 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47868 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47869 voters to win the next election.
47871 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47872 represents the secondary theme:
47874 Law Enforcement Officials
47876 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47878 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47881 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47882 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47884 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47885 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47886 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47887 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47888 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47889 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47890 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47892 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47894 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47895 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47898 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47899 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47902 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47903 to sleep every few days.
47905 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47906 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47907 government because they could not keep up.
47910 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47911 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47914 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47915 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47916 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47918 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47920 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47923 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47924 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47925 with sloppy English.
47926 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47928 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47932 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47934 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47935 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47937 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47938 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47942 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47943 thoughts about their neighbours.
47946 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47947 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47948 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47949 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47950 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47951 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47953 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47954 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47956 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47958 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47961 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47962 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47963 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47965 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47966 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47969 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47970 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47972 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47974 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47975 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47976 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47977 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47978 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47979 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47980 remain each in their own position.
47981 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47984 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47985 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47986 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47988 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47990 The questions remain the same.
47991 The answers are eternally variable.
47993 The Rabbits The Cow
47994 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47995 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47998 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47999 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48002 The rain it raineth on the just
48003 And also on the unjust fella:
48004 But chiefly on the just, because
48005 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48008 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48010 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48011 measurement of the speed of blight.
48013 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48014 illiterates can read.
48017 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48020 The real man's Bloody Mary:
48021 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
48022 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48024 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48025 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48027 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48029 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48030 -- Christopher Morley
48032 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48033 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48035 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48036 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48038 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48040 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48042 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48043 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48044 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48045 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48046 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48048 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48051 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48052 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48055 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48056 is that the experience makes you wise.
48058 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48062 The reason why worry kills more people
48063 than work is that more people worry than work.
48065 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48066 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48067 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48068 -- George Bernard Shaw
48070 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48071 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48072 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48073 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
48074 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48075 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48077 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48078 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48081 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48085 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48086 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48087 The hen, pleased with that,
48088 Laid an egg in his hat --
48089 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48090 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48092 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48093 -- Japanese proverb
48095 The revolution will not be televised.
48097 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48099 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48102 The rhino is a homely beast,
48103 For human eyes he's not a feast.
48104 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48105 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48108 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48109 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48111 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48112 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48114 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48115 and to his imagination for his facts.
48118 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48122 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48125 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48126 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48128 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
48129 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
48130 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
48131 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
48132 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
48134 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
48135 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
48136 you have and what rights you have not got.
48137 -- J. Parnell Thomas
48139 The ripest fruit falls first.
48140 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
48142 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
48145 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
48148 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
48151 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
48152 and the travelers pay the expense of it.
48156 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
48157 one who is doing it.
48159 The root of all superstition is that men
48160 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
48163 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
48165 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
48166 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
48167 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
48168 take it too seriously.
48169 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48171 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48174 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48175 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48176 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48178 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48179 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48180 it through power, violence or weapons.
48181 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48185 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48186 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48187 the console keyboard.
48188 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48189 card decks together.
48190 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48191 especially if you're already married.
48192 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48193 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48194 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48196 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48197 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48198 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48199 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48200 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48202 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48203 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48204 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48206 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48207 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48208 gesture by the individual to himself.
48209 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48211 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48213 The savior becomes the victim.
48215 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48217 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48218 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48220 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48222 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48224 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48225 showed that all had these things in common:
48227 1) They all had moderate appetites.
48228 2) They all came from middle class homes.
48229 3) All but two of them were dead.
48231 The scum also rises.
48232 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48234 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
48235 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
48236 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
48238 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48239 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48243 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48245 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48246 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48249 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48251 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48253 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48254 you've got it made.
48257 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48258 there is no humor in Heaven.
48261 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48262 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48265 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48266 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
48267 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48268 millstones are lifted.
48269 -- George Bernard Shaw
48271 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48272 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48273 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48274 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48275 him are dead, he is alive.
48276 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48277 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48278 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48279 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48280 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48281 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48282 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48284 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48287 The sheep died in the wool.
48289 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48291 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48292 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48294 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48296 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48299 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48300 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48302 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48303 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48304 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48306 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48307 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48308 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48312 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
48313 -- [just say that five times...]
48315 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48316 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48318 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48319 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48321 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48322 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48323 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48324 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48325 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48326 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48327 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48328 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48330 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48331 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48332 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48333 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48334 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48335 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48336 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48337 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48338 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48340 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48341 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48342 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48343 one can see only a very few things at once.
48346 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48347 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48350 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48351 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48352 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48353 its theories will hold water.
48355 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48356 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48357 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48358 And slowly she let him inside.
48360 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48361 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48362 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48363 And now will you tell me why?"
48364 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48366 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48367 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48370 The solution of this problem is trivial
48371 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48373 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
48376 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48377 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48378 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48379 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48380 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48381 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48382 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48383 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48384 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48385 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48386 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48387 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48388 the table as the children gathered around him.
48389 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48390 There was total silence.
48391 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48393 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48394 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48396 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48397 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
48399 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48401 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48402 able to correct them.
48405 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48407 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48408 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48409 or further down, might dress a clown.
48410 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48411 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48412 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48413 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48414 But please don't let that get you down,
48415 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48418 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48419 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48420 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48421 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48422 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48423 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48424 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48425 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48426 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48427 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48428 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48429 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48430 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48432 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48434 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48435 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48436 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48437 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48440 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48442 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48443 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48444 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48446 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48448 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48450 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48451 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48452 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48453 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48454 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48455 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48456 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48458 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48460 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48462 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48463 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48465 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48466 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48470 The steady state of disks is full.
48473 The story of the butterfly:
48474 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48475 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48476 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48477 the third day, I heard a knock."
48478 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48479 there was nothing."
48480 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48481 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48483 The story you are about to hear is true.
48484 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48486 The street preacher looked so baffled
48487 When I asked him why he dressed
48488 With forty pounds of headlines
48489 Stapled to his chest.
48490 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48491 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48492 You see, you're just like me.
48493 I hope you're satisfied."
48496 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48498 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48500 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48501 -- Raymond Chandler
48503 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48505 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48506 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48507 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48508 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48509 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48510 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48511 by the values he wills.
48514 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48515 is an emerging underachiever.
48517 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48520 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48521 even any property taxes."
48522 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48524 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48525 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48526 -- The Silver Surfer
48528 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48529 The population is, of course, growing.
48531 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48533 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48536 The sun was shining on the sea,
48537 Shining with all his might:
48538 He did his very best to make
48539 The billows smooth and bright --
48540 And this was very odd, because it was
48541 The middle of the night.
48542 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
48544 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48545 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
48547 The superfluous is very necessary.
48550 The superior man understands what is right;
48551 the inferior man understands what will sell.
48554 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
48555 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
48556 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
48557 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
48558 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
48562 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
48564 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
48567 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
48569 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
48570 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
48573 The surest way to remain a winner is to
48574 win once, and then not play any more.
48576 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
48577 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
48578 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
48580 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
48582 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
48584 The Tao doesn't take sides;
48585 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
48586 The Guru doesn't take sides;
48587 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
48589 The Tao is like a stack:
48590 the data changes but not the structure.
48591 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
48592 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
48594 Hold on to the root.
48596 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
48597 used but never used up.
48598 It is like the extern void:
48599 filled with infinite possibilities.
48601 It is masked but always present.
48602 I don't know who built to it.
48603 It came before the first kernel.
48605 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
48606 is not the entire Tao.
48607 The path that can be specified
48608 is not the Full Path.
48610 We declare the names
48611 of all variables and functions.
48612 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
48614 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
48615 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
48617 Yet magic and hierarchy
48618 arise from the same source,
48619 and this source has a null pointer.
48621 Reference the NULL within NULL,
48622 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
48624 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
48625 artist never that he is a technician.
48626 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48628 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
48630 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
48632 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
48633 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
48634 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
48635 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
48636 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
48637 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
48638 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
48639 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
48640 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
48641 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
48642 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
48643 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
48644 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
48645 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
48646 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
48647 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
48648 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
48649 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
48650 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
48651 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
48652 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
48654 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
48655 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
48657 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
48658 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
48659 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
48660 most untechnician-like manner.
48662 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
48663 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
48666 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
48667 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
48668 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
48669 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
48670 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
48673 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
48674 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
48675 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
48677 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
48680 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
48681 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
48683 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
48685 The Third Law of Photography:
48686 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
48687 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
48688 the dark leaks out.
48690 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
48692 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
48694 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
48698 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
48701 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
48702 I need a lot of sleep.
48703 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
48705 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
48706 accurately it's called mudslinging.
48709 The Thought Police are here. They've come
48710 To put you under cardiac arrest.
48711 And as they drag you through the door
48712 They tell you that you've failed the test.
48713 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
48715 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
48717 The three biggest software lies:
48719 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
48720 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
48721 will fix the microcode.
48722 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
48724 The three laws of thermodynamics:
48725 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
48726 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
48727 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
48729 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
48731 1) Where's the bathroom?
48732 2) What time does the parade start?
48733 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
48735 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
48736 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
48738 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
48740 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
48741 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
48742 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
48744 The three rules of international air travel:
48746 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
48747 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48748 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48749 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48750 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48752 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48753 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48755 The time for action is past!
48756 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48758 The time is right to make new friends.
48760 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48761 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48764 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48765 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48766 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48767 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48768 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48769 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48770 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48771 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48772 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48773 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48774 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48778 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48781 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48783 The tree of research must from time to time
48784 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48787 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48788 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48791 The trouble with a kitten is that
48792 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48795 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48797 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48799 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48801 -- Franklin P. Jones
48803 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48804 think you have nothing more important to do.
48806 The trouble with computers is that they do
48807 what you tell them, not what you want.
48810 The trouble with doing something right the first
48811 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48813 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48814 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48817 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48818 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48821 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48822 -- George S. Kaufman
48824 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48826 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48827 always comes disguised as hard work.
48828 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48830 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48831 and then marry him.
48834 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48837 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48838 the other fellow of a dull one.
48841 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48844 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48845 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48846 all of the people all of the time.
48849 The trouble with you
48850 Is the trouble with me.
48852 But we still don't see.
48853 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48855 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48856 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48857 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48860 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48863 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48866 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48869 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48872 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48875 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48878 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48879 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48881 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48882 Which practically conceal its sex.
48883 I think it clever of the turtle
48884 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48887 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48890 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48893 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48894 -- George Bernard Shaw
48896 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48897 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48898 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48901 The two things that can get you into trouble
48902 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48904 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48905 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48908 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48909 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48910 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48911 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48913 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
48914 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48915 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48917 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48920 The ultimate game show will be the one
48921 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48922 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48924 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48925 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48927 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48928 "100 percent American"...
48929 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48931 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48933 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48936 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48938 The universe is an island,
48939 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48941 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48943 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48944 combination is locked up in the safe.
48947 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48950 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48953 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48954 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48957 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48960 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48961 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48962 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48963 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48965 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48966 and deviation standard.
48968 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48969 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48971 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48972 that I assume it must be evil.
48975 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48976 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48977 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48978 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48979 world put together.
48980 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48982 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48983 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48984 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48986 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48987 regarded as a criminal offence.
48988 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48990 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48993 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48995 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48999 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
49000 constant and regular employment of violence.
49001 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
49003 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49007 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49008 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49009 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49010 be one of the facts that needs altering.
49011 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
49013 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49014 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49016 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49017 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49018 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49019 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49020 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49021 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49022 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49023 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49024 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49026 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49027 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49030 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49033 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49034 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49035 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49036 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49037 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49038 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49039 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49041 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49042 it's just a tired feeling.
49044 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49046 The wages of sin are unreported.
49048 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49051 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49052 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49055 The water was not fit to drink.
49056 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49057 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49058 -- Winston Churchill
49060 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49061 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49064 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49067 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49069 The way to a man's heart is through his
49070 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49071 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49073 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49075 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49077 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49079 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49081 The way to make a small fortune in the
49082 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
49084 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49085 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49086 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49087 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49088 I feel together today!
49089 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49091 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49093 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49094 but the leaves are good to smoke!
49097 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
49098 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
49099 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
49100 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
49103 The white race is the cancer of history.
49106 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49109 The whole of life is futile unless you
49110 consider it as a sporting proposition.
49112 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49113 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49114 -- Bertrand Russell
49116 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49119 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49122 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
49125 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49126 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49127 It must have blown through someone's feet,
49128 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49131 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49132 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49136 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
49137 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
49139 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
49141 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
49142 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
49143 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
49144 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
49145 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
49146 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
49147 to get up in the morning!"
49149 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
49150 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
49152 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
49153 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
49154 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
49155 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
49156 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
49157 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
49160 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
49161 designed for people who walk on their hands.
49162 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
49164 The world is a comedy to those who think,
49165 and a tragedy to those who feel.
49168 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
49170 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
49172 The world is coming to an end!
49173 Repent and return those library books!
49175 The world is full of people who have never, since
49176 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49179 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49180 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49183 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49185 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49186 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49187 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49188 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49190 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49192 The world really isn't any worse.
49193 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49195 The world wants to be deceived.
49198 The world's as ugly as sin,
49199 And almost as delightful
49200 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49202 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49203 nor its great scholars great men.
49204 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49206 The Worst American Poet
49207 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49208 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49209 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49210 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49212 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49213 formula was the same:
49214 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49215 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
49216 Of their death I will relate,
49217 And also others lost their life
49218 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49219 Where so many people died.
49220 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49221 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49222 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49223 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49224 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49225 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49226 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49227 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49228 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49230 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49232 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49233 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49234 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49235 sheepishly left the building.
49236 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49237 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49238 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49239 was a practical joke.
49240 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49241 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49242 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49244 The Worst Car Hire Service
49245 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49246 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49247 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49248 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49249 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49250 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49251 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49252 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49253 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49254 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49255 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49256 we might overlook that too."
49257 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49258 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49260 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49262 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49263 -- George Bernard Shaw
49265 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49267 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49268 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49269 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49270 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49272 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49274 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49278 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49279 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49280 remotest clue what was happening.
49281 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49282 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49283 The excitement which this caused was only equaled when a second
49284 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49285 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49286 was hearing a murder trial.
49287 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49288 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49289 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49290 The judge ordered a retrial.
49291 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49293 The Worst Lines of Verse
49294 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49295 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49296 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49297 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49298 laughter the instant they were read out.
49299 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49300 inspired by the subject of war.
49301 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49302 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49303 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49304 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49305 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49306 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49307 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49308 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49309 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49310 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49311 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49312 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49313 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49314 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49315 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49316 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49318 "I've measured it from side to side;
49319 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49320 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49322 The Worst Musical Trio
49323 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49324 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49325 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49326 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49327 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49328 unhampered by great musical talent.
49329 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49330 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49331 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49332 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49333 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49334 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49335 "and it will be a sell out."
49336 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49337 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49338 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49339 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49340 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49341 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49342 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49343 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49344 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49345 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49346 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49348 The worst part of having success is trying
49349 to find someone who is happy for you.
49352 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49354 The Worst Prison Guards
49355 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49356 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49357 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49358 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49359 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49360 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49361 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49362 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49363 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49364 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49365 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49366 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49367 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49368 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49370 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49371 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49372 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49373 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49374 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49375 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49376 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49378 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49379 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49380 -- George Bernard Shaw
49382 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49384 -- William Butler Yeats
49386 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49387 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49388 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49391 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
49392 They were just the first not to crash.
49394 The yankees, son, are up north.
49395 The damnyankees are down here.
49397 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49398 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49401 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49402 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49403 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49405 The young lady had an unusual list,
49406 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49407 She set no preconditions.
49409 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49410 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49411 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49412 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49413 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49414 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49415 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49416 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49417 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49418 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49421 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49423 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49424 and you'd better not refuse.
49428 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49430 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49431 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49434 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49435 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49437 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49438 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49439 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49440 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49442 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49443 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49444 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49445 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49447 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49448 The town of the cries and the groans.
49449 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49450 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49451 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49453 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49454 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49458 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49460 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49461 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49462 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49463 to the "W" on the dial.
49466 He who has a Tates is lost!
49468 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49469 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49472 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49474 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49475 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49477 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49478 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49479 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49480 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49482 Proceed by induction:
49483 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49486 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49487 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49488 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49490 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49492 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49493 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49494 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49495 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49496 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49497 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49500 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49501 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49502 it will look in print.
49504 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49507 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49508 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49509 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49511 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49512 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49513 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49514 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49515 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49516 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49517 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49519 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49521 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49523 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49524 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49527 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49528 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49531 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49532 -- Winston Churchill
49534 There are bad times just around the corner,
49535 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49536 And it's no good whining
49537 About a silver lining
49538 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49541 There are few people more often in the wrong
49542 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49544 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49545 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49546 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49548 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
49549 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
49552 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
49553 and praiseworthy ...
49554 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
49556 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
49557 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
49558 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
49561 There are many intelligent species in
49562 the universe, and they all own cats.
49564 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
49565 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
49566 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
49567 get it in the winter.
49570 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
49571 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
49572 avoiding a great deal of pain.
49574 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
49577 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
49579 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
49581 There are more things in heaven and earth,
49582 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
49585 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
49587 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
49589 There are new messages.
49591 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
49594 There are no answers, only cross-references.
49597 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
49598 are chosen correctly.
49600 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
49602 There are no games on this system.
49604 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
49605 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
49607 There are no great men, only great challenges that
49608 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
49609 -- Admiral William Halsey
49611 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
49612 -- The Duke of Wellington
49614 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
49615 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
49616 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
49617 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
49618 -- Richard Davisson
49620 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
49621 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
49623 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
49625 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
49628 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
49630 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
49631 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
49634 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
49635 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
49638 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
49639 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
49640 people who find nothing odd about it.
49643 There are places I'll remember
49644 All my life though some have changed.
49645 Some forever not for better
49646 Some have gone and some remain.
49647 All these places had their moments
49648 With lovers and friends I still recall.
49649 Some are dead and some are living,
49650 In my life I've loved them all.
49652 But of all these friends and lovers,
49653 There is no one compared with you,
49654 All these memories lose their meaning
49655 When I think of love as something new.
49656 Though I know I'll never lose affection
49657 For people and things that went before,
49658 I know I'll often stop and think about them
49659 In my life I'll love you more.
49660 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
49662 There are running jobs.
49663 Why don't you go chase them?
49665 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
49666 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
49667 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
49670 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
49671 By the men who moil for gold;
49672 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
49673 That would make your blood run cold;
49674 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
49675 But the queerest they ever did see
49676 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
49677 I cremated Sam McGee.
49678 -- Robert W. Service
49680 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
49681 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
49684 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
49685 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
49686 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
49687 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
49688 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
49689 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
49691 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
49692 -- Benjamin Disraeli
49694 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
49696 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
49697 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
49698 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
49700 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
49701 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
49702 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
49703 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
49704 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
49705 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
49706 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
49707 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
49709 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
49710 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
49712 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
49714 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
49715 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
49716 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
49717 long winter evenings.
49720 There are three rules for writing a novel.
49721 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
49724 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
49725 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
49726 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
49727 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
49728 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
49730 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
49734 There are three things I have always loved
49735 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
49737 There are three things men can do with women:
49738 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
49741 There are three ways to get something done:
49744 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
49745 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
49747 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
49750 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
49751 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49754 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49755 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49756 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49757 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49758 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49759 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49760 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49762 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49763 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49764 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49765 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49766 Man it is smokin'!"
49767 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49769 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49770 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49771 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49772 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49774 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49775 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
49776 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49778 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49779 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
49781 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49782 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49783 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49784 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49786 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49787 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49788 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49790 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49791 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49793 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49795 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49796 marriage and after marriage.
49798 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49799 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49800 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49804 There are two ways of disliking art.
49805 One is to dislike it.
49806 The other is to like it rationally.
49809 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49810 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49813 There are two ways to write error-free
49814 programs; only the third one works.
49816 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49817 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49819 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49820 with an insurance salesman?
49823 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49824 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49825 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49826 together we'll face the world.
49827 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49829 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49830 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49832 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49835 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49838 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49841 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49842 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49845 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49846 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49848 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49849 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49852 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49853 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49855 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49856 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49857 permissions for everyone, you could say
49859 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49861 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49862 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49864 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49865 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49866 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49867 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49868 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49869 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49870 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49871 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49872 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49874 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49875 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49877 There has been an alarming increase in the
49878 number of things you know nothing about.
49880 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49882 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49883 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49884 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49885 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49887 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49888 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49889 A: The elevator would be full.
49891 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49892 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49893 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49894 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
49896 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49900 There is a fly on your nose.
49902 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49903 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49904 each other's throat.
49905 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49907 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49908 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49910 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49912 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49913 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49914 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49916 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49917 tied during the month of April.
49919 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49922 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49923 wooden toilet seats.
49925 It's called the Birch John Society.
49927 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49928 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49932 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49933 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49934 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49937 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49938 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49940 There is a time in the tides of men,
49941 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49942 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49945 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49946 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49949 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49952 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49954 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49956 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49958 There is always something new out of Africa.
49959 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49961 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49962 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49963 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49965 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49966 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49969 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49970 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49972 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49973 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49974 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49977 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49978 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49979 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49980 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49981 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49984 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49985 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49987 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49988 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49990 There is in certain living souls
49991 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49992 So great it must be shared
49993 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49994 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49996 There is one lonelier than you.
49998 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49999 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50000 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50001 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50002 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50003 even highly probable.
50004 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50006 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50008 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50009 and we will conquer. Follow me.
50010 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50012 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50013 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50014 -- G. K. Chesterton
50016 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50017 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50019 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50022 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50023 always enough time to do it over.
50025 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50027 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50028 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50029 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50031 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50032 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50034 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50035 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50036 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50038 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50039 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50040 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50041 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50042 striving of the human race.
50043 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50045 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50046 we define salvation through suffering.
50049 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50050 -- George Santayana
50052 There is no delight the equal of dread.
50053 As long as it is somebody else's.
50056 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50058 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50061 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50062 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50063 as 'unearned income.'
50066 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50067 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50069 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50070 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50071 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50072 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50073 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50074 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50076 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50078 There is no fool to the old fool.
50081 There is no future in time travel.
50083 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50085 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50086 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50087 -- Ernest Hemingway
50089 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50090 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50092 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
50093 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
50096 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50097 -- George Francis Gillette
50099 There is no point in waiting.
50100 The train stopped running years ago.
50101 All the schedules, the brochures,
50102 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50103 Promise rides to a distant country
50104 That no longer exists.
50106 There is no proverb that is not true.
50109 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50110 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50111 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50112 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50114 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50116 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50117 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50118 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50120 There is no royal road to geometry.
50123 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50125 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50126 -- George Bernard Shaw
50128 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50129 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50131 There is no sin but ignorance.
50132 -- Christopher Marlowe
50134 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50135 -- George Bernard Shaw
50137 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
50139 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
50141 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
50143 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
50145 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
50147 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
50148 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
50151 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
50153 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
50154 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
50155 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50157 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
50158 some anxiety always goes with it.
50160 There is no time like the pleasant.
50162 There is no time like the present
50163 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
50165 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
50166 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
50168 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
50169 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
50170 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
50171 live as cheap as the people.
50172 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50174 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50175 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50178 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50179 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50181 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50184 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50185 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50187 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50188 -- Marie Antoinette
50190 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50191 when you do it reluctantly.
50192 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50194 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50197 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
50198 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
50199 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
50200 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
50201 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
50202 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50203 the middle of the night?'"
50205 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50207 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50208 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50211 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50212 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50214 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50215 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50218 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50219 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50222 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
50223 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
50226 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50229 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50232 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50233 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50236 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50237 and that word is blackmail.
50240 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50241 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50244 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50245 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50247 There is something in the pang of change
50248 More than the heart can bear,
50249 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50252 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50254 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50256 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50257 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50261 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50262 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50264 There must be more to life than having everything.
50267 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50270 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50271 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50272 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50274 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50275 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50276 what would your decision be, my son?"
50277 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50278 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50279 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50281 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50282 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50283 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50285 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50286 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50287 what would your decision be, my son?"
50288 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50289 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50290 that I had promised."
50291 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50293 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50296 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
50297 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50299 There was a little girl
50300 Who had a little curl
50301 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50302 When she was good, she was very, very good
50303 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50304 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50306 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50307 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50308 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50309 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50310 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50311 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50312 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50313 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50314 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50315 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50316 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50317 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50318 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50319 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50320 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50321 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50322 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50323 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50325 There was a phone call for you.
50327 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50328 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50329 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
50330 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
50331 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
50332 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
50333 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
50334 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
50335 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
50337 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50338 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50339 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50343 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50344 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50346 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50348 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50349 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50350 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50352 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50353 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50354 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50358 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50359 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50360 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50361 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50362 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50363 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50364 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50365 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50366 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50367 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50368 the squaws of the other two hides.
50370 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50371 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50372 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50373 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50374 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50375 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50376 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50377 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50379 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50380 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50381 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50383 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50384 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50385 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50386 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50387 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50388 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50389 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50390 he tells the counterman.
50391 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50392 "You must be from New York."
50393 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50395 "Because this is a hardware store."
50397 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50398 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50399 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50400 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50401 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50402 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50403 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50404 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50405 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50406 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50407 telephone business?
50409 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50410 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50412 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50414 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50417 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50418 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50421 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50422 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50423 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50424 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50425 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50426 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50427 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50428 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50430 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50433 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50434 When everything is falling apart
50435 In life, just like in loving
50436 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50439 Like you don't need the money
50440 Love like you'll never get hurt
50442 Like nobody's watching
50443 It's gotta come from the heart
50444 If you want it to work.
50447 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50448 allows you to install Windows.
50449 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50451 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50453 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50454 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50455 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50456 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50457 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50458 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50459 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50460 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50461 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50462 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50463 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50464 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50465 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50467 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50468 The corporation that we represent.
50469 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50470 Of that man of men our sterling president
50471 The name of T.J. Watson means
50472 A courage none can stem
50473 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50474 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50476 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50477 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50478 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50479 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50480 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50481 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50482 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50483 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50484 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50485 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50486 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50487 along -- quite gracefully.
50490 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50493 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50495 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50497 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50498 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50502 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50504 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50506 There's little in taking or giving,
50507 There's little in water or wine:
50508 This living, this living, this living,
50509 Was never a project of mine.
50510 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50511 The gain of the one at the top,
50512 For art is a form of catharsis,
50513 And love is a permanent flop,
50514 And work is the province of cattle,
50515 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50516 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50517 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50520 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50521 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50524 There's no justice in this world.
50525 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50526 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50527 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50528 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50531 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50534 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50537 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50540 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50542 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50543 what you're talking about.
50544 -- John von Neumann
50546 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
50547 -- Milton Friendman
50549 There's no such thing as an original sin.
50552 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
50556 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
50558 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
50560 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
50562 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
50563 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
50565 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
50567 -- Clare Booth Luce
50569 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
50571 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
50573 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
50574 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
50577 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
50578 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
50581 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
50585 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
50586 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
50588 There's nothing worse for your business than
50589 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
50592 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
50593 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
50595 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
50596 always see somebody who did worse.
50597 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
50599 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
50601 There's only one everything.
50603 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
50604 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
50607 There's small choice in rotten apples.
50608 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
50610 There's so much plastic in this culture that
50611 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
50614 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
50616 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
50617 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
50620 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
50621 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
50623 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
50624 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
50626 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
50627 -- Richard Le Gallienne
50629 These activities have their own rules and methods
50630 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
50631 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
50633 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
50634 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
50635 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
50636 out of MEGATON MAN!"
50638 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
50639 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
50641 They also serve who only stand and wait.
50644 They also surf who only stand on waves.
50646 They are called computers simply because computation is
50647 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
50649 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
50650 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
50651 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
50652 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
50653 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
50655 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
50656 when they can see nothing but sea.
50659 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
50660 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
50662 They call them "squares" because it's the
50663 most complicated shape they can deal with.
50665 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
50666 -- The Blues Brothers
50668 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
50669 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
50670 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
50672 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
50673 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
50674 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
50675 only want to count to two.
50676 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
50678 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
50679 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
50680 question about the suffering of starving miners.
50682 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
50684 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
50685 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
50687 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
50688 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
50689 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
50691 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
50693 They make a desert and call it peace.
50694 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
50696 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
50697 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
50698 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
50701 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
50702 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
50703 learn this particular lesson.
50704 -- Richard Stallman
50706 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
50707 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
50708 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
50710 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
50711 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
50712 then we take Berlin.
50714 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
50715 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
50716 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
50717 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
50719 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
50720 always spell better than they pronounce.
50723 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
50724 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
50725 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
50727 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
50729 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
50730 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
50731 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
50732 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
50734 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
50735 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
50736 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
50737 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
50739 My notion was to start again
50740 Ignoring all they'd done
50741 We quickly turned it into code
50742 To see if it would run.
50744 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
50745 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
50747 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
50748 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
50750 They use different words for things in America.
50751 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50752 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50753 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50756 They went rushing down that freeway,
50757 Messed around and got lost.
50758 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50759 And it was life in the fast lane.
50760 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50762 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50763 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50765 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50766 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50767 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50768 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50771 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50772 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50773 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50777 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50778 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50780 They're just jealous because they don't have three
50781 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
50782 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
50783 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
50785 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50787 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50791 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50792 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50793 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50795 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50796 -- Dwight Eisenhower
50798 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50800 Things are not always what they seem.
50803 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50805 Finches, eh ? Seen one, seem 'em all.
50807 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50809 Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
50811 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
50813 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50815 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50816 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50818 Things will be bright in P.M.
50819 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50821 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50824 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50827 Pollute the Mississippi.
50829 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50831 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50834 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50836 Think of your family tonight.
50837 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50842 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50844 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50845 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50847 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50848 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50849 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50850 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50851 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50852 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50853 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50854 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50856 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50857 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50860 Thirty days hath Septober,
50861 April, June, and no wonder.
50862 all the rest have peanut butter
50863 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50865 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50868 Then they stand still.
50871 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50872 Everye nighte and alle,
50873 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50874 And Christe receive thy saule.
50875 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50877 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50878 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50879 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50880 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50881 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50882 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50883 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50884 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50885 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50886 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50887 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50888 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50890 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50891 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50892 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50894 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50896 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50898 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50900 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50901 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50902 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50903 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50904 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50906 This fortune intentionally not included.
50908 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50910 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50911 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50913 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50915 This fortune is false.
50917 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50919 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50921 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50923 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50925 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50926 We have emotional moving vans.
50929 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50930 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50931 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50932 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50933 of the house by dinner!"
50935 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50936 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50938 This is a good time to punt work.
50940 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50944 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50945 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50947 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50948 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50950 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50951 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50952 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50953 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50954 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50955 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50956 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50957 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50958 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50959 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50960 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50961 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50962 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50963 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50964 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50966 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50968 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50969 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50970 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50972 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50973 and not enough hunchbacks.
50975 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50976 Unborn and unbegot,
50977 For them to read when they're in trouble
50981 This is Jim Rockford.
50982 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50984 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50986 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50988 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50989 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50990 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50992 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50993 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50995 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50997 This is NOT a repeat.
50999 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51000 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
51001 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
51002 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
51004 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
51006 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
51007 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
51008 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
51009 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
51010 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
51011 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
51012 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
51013 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
51014 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
51015 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
51016 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
51017 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
51018 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
51019 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
51021 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
51022 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
51024 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
51025 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
51026 and come alone. I'm serious!
51028 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
51029 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51032 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51033 power of computers:
51035 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
51036 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
51037 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
51038 one should eat each day:
51042 1 glass of skim milk
51043 27 heads of lettuce.
51044 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51046 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51048 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51049 -- Winston Churchill
51051 This is the story of the bee
51052 Whose sex is very hard to see
51054 You cannot tell the he from the she
51055 But she can tell, and so can he
51057 The little bee is never still
51058 She has no time to take the pill
51060 And that is why, in times like these
51061 There are so many sons of bees.
51063 This is the theory that Jack built.
51064 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51065 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51067 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51068 And now you know why.
51070 This is the way the world ends,
51071 This is the way the world ends,
51072 This is the way the world ends,
51073 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51074 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
51076 This is your fortune.
51078 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
51079 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
51081 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
51082 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
51083 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
51084 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
51086 This land is full of trousers!
51087 this land is full of mausers!
51088 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
51089 -- Firesign Theater
51091 This land is made of mountains,
51092 This land is made of mud,
51093 This land has lots of everything,
51094 For me and Elmer Fudd.
51096 This land has lots of trousers,
51097 This land has lots of mousers,
51098 And pussycats to eat them
51099 When the sun goes down.
51101 This land is my land, and only my land,
51102 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
51103 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
51104 This land is private property.
51105 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
51107 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
51108 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
51109 to what to do and where to go.
51111 This life is yours. Some of it was given
51112 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
51114 This login session: $13.99
51116 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
51118 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
51120 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
51121 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
51123 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
51127 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
51128 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
51129 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
51130 don't actually hurt.
51131 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
51132 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
51133 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
51134 man enough to take me on?"
51135 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
51136 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
51137 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
51138 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
51139 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
51140 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
51141 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
51142 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
51143 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
51144 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
51145 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
51146 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
51148 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
51149 got to find a way off this planet.
51151 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
51152 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
51153 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
51154 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
51155 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
51156 paper that were unhappy.
51157 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51159 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
51160 something child-like.
51161 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51163 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51164 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51165 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51166 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51167 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51168 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51169 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51170 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51171 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
51172 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51173 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51174 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51175 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51176 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51177 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51178 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51179 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51180 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51181 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51182 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51183 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51184 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51186 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51187 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51189 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51190 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51191 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51192 which identifies errors in the original program.
51194 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51195 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51196 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51197 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51200 This screen intentionally left blank.
51202 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51205 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51207 This sentence no verb.
51209 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51211 This thing all things devours:
51212 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51213 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51214 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51215 Slays king, ruins town,
51216 And beats high mountain down.
51218 This unit... must... survive.
51220 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51221 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51223 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51224 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51225 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51226 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51228 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51229 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51231 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51232 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51235 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51237 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51239 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51240 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51241 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51242 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51243 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51244 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51245 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51246 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51247 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51249 Those lovable Brits department:
51250 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51252 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51255 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51257 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51258 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51259 at are called software.
51260 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51261 Literacy for the 1990's.
51263 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51264 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51267 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51271 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
51273 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51274 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51276 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51279 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51280 -- George Santayana
51282 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51284 Those who claim the dead never return
51285 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51287 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51290 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51293 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51294 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51297 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
51298 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51301 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51302 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51305 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51306 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51307 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51309 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51310 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51313 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51315 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51316 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51317 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
51319 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51320 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51321 without the roar of its many waters.
51322 -- Frederick Douglass
51324 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51325 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51326 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51327 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51328 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
51330 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51331 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51332 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51333 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51334 The highest rung. In his bung.
51336 Because in life they prayed so ill
51337 And offered god such swinish swill
51338 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51339 Sweat from lack of APL
51342 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51344 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51345 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51347 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51349 -- The Tao of Programming
51351 Though I respect that a lot
51352 I'd be fired if that were my job
51353 After killing Jason off and
51354 Countless screaming argonauts
51356 Bluebird of friendliness
51357 Like guardian angels it's
51360 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51361 Who watches over you
51362 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51363 Not to put too fine a point on it
51364 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51365 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51367 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51369 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51371 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51372 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51373 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51374 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51375 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51376 more about the matter than the others.
51377 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51379 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51382 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51383 -- Benjamin Franklin
51385 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51386 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51387 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51389 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51390 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51391 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51392 service station," said the Missourian.
51394 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51395 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
51396 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51398 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51399 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51402 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51403 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51404 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51406 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51407 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51408 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51409 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51410 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51411 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51412 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51413 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51414 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51416 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51417 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51418 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51419 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51420 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51422 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51423 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51424 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51425 and users will do the Right Thing.
51426 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51427 and there won't be any pirating.
51429 If these three aren't enough,
51430 just stay at your home directory
51431 and let all processes take their course.
51433 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51434 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51435 -- Bertrand Russell
51437 Thus spake the master programmer:
51438 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51440 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51442 Thus spake the master programmer:
51443 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51444 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51446 Thus spake the master programmer:
51447 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51449 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51451 Thus spake the master programmer:
51452 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51454 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51456 Thus spake the master programmer:
51457 "Time for you to leave."
51458 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51460 Thus spake the master programmer:
51461 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51462 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51464 Thus spake the master programmer:
51465 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51466 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51467 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51469 Thus spake the master programmer:
51470 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51471 hardware is useless."
51472 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51474 Thus spake the master programmer:
51475 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51476 can't make him computer literate."
51477 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51480 Everything goes wrong at once.
51482 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51483 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51484 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51485 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51487 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51488 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51489 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51490 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51492 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51493 And racing around to come up behind you again
51494 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51495 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51497 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51499 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51500 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51501 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51502 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51506 Quite unaccountably
51516 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51518 Tiger got to sleep,
51520 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51521 -- The Books of Bokonon
51523 Time and tide wait for no man.
51525 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51528 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
51530 Time goes, you say?
51532 Time stays, *we* go.
51535 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
51538 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
51539 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51541 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
51543 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
51544 -- Henry David Thoreau
51546 Time is nature's way of making sure that
51547 everything doesn't happen at once.
51549 Space is nature's way of making sure that
51550 everything doesn't happen to you.
51552 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
51555 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
51557 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
51559 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
51561 Time to take stock.
51562 Go home with some office supplies.
51565 Love's wounds unseen.
51566 That's what someone told me;
51567 But I don't know what it means.
51568 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
51570 Time will end all my troubles,
51571 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
51573 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
51574 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
51577 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
51579 Timing must be perfect now.
51580 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
51583 Never fry bacon in the nude.
51585 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
51588 Tip the world over on its side and
51589 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
51590 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51592 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
51593 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
51594 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
51595 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
51596 they would ordinarily.
51597 There is no music in space.
51598 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
51599 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
51601 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
51602 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
51603 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
51604 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
51605 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
51606 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
51607 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
51608 never been easier."
51609 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
51610 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
51611 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
51612 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
51613 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
51614 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
51615 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
51616 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
51617 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
51618 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
51619 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
51620 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
51622 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
51624 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
51627 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
51628 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
51629 stopping at red lights are both optional.
51630 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51632 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
51633 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
51634 to spend a few days there.
51635 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51637 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
51638 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
51639 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51641 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
51642 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
51643 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
51644 Swedes speak better English.
51645 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51647 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
51648 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
51650 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51652 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
51653 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
51654 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
51657 To add insult to injury.
51660 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
51661 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
51662 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
51663 -- Theodore Roosevelt
51665 To any truly impartial person, it would
51666 be obvious that I am always right.
51668 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
51671 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
51674 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
51675 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
51678 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
51679 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
51681 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
51682 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
51685 To be great is to be misunderstood.
51686 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51688 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
51689 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
51690 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
51691 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
51692 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
51693 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
51694 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
51695 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
51697 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
51699 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
51701 To be is to be related.
51709 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
51715 To be loved is very demoralizing.
51716 -- Katharine Hepburn
51718 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
51719 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
51720 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
51721 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
51723 To be or not to be.
51732 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
51734 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
51735 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51738 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51739 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51740 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51743 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51746 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51747 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51749 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51750 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51752 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51754 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51756 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51757 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51759 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51760 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51761 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51763 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51764 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51765 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51766 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51767 To write those routines
51768 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51769 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51770 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51771 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51772 To this glorious quest,
51773 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51774 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51776 Still strove with his last allocation
51777 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51778 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51780 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51783 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51784 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51785 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51787 To craunch a marmoset.
51788 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51790 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51791 more important than the ability to say yes.
51794 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51795 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51797 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51798 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51800 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51802 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51805 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51806 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51809 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51810 of four kids and one bathroom.
51813 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51816 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51818 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51820 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51822 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51823 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51825 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51827 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51829 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51831 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51832 -- MIT Assassination Club
51834 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51835 -- Benjamin Franklin
51837 To err is human, two curs canine.
51838 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51841 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51849 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51852 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51853 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51854 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51855 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51856 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51857 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51858 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51859 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51860 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51861 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51862 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51863 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51864 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51865 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51866 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51869 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51870 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51871 -- Bertrand Russell
51873 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51876 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51877 -- Benjamin Franklin
51879 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51882 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51884 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51885 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51887 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51888 persons, two of them absent.
51890 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51892 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51894 To have died once is enough.
51895 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51897 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51898 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51900 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51903 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51906 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51907 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51909 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51910 to kill them, treat them often.
51912 To know Edina is to reject it.
51913 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51915 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51917 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51920 To listen to some devout people,
51921 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51924 To love is good, love being difficult.
51926 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51928 To make tax forms true they should
51929 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51931 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51934 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51935 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51936 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51937 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
51939 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51941 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51943 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51944 -- 19th century toast
51946 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51948 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51949 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51952 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51954 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51955 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51956 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51957 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51959 To say you got a vote of confidence
51960 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51963 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51965 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51966 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51967 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51968 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51969 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51970 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51971 mind over matter; quite.
51972 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51974 To see you is to sympathize.
51976 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51977 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51979 To stand and be still,
51980 At the Birkenhead drill,
51981 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51984 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51985 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51986 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51988 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51990 To teach is to learn.
51992 To teach is to learn twice.
51995 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51997 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51999 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
52002 To Theodore Roosevelt:
52003 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
52004 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
52005 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
52006 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
52007 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
52009 Sultan to the Berbers
52010 Last of the Barbary Pirates
52012 To thine own self be true.
52013 (If not that, at least make some money.)
52015 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
52019 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
52020 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
52021 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
52022 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
52023 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
52024 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
52025 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
52026 secure ecological niche.
52027 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
52029 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
52031 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52032 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52033 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52034 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52035 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52036 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52037 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
52038 receiving said benefit.
52039 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52040 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
52041 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52042 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52044 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
52046 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52048 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52049 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52051 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52052 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52053 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52054 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52055 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52057 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52058 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52059 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52060 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52061 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52062 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52063 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52064 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52065 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52066 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52067 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52070 To use violence is to already be defeated.
52073 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
52075 To whom the mornings are like nights,
52076 What must the midnights be!
52077 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
52079 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
52080 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
52081 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
52082 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
52083 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
52084 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
52085 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
52086 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
52087 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
52088 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
52089 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
52090 and choose more docile words to take its part.
52091 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
52092 by making love directly to the brain.
52094 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
52097 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
52098 That from the devil does proceed;
52099 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
52100 And makes a chimney of your nose.
52104 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
52106 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
52107 Read someone else's mail file.
52109 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
52111 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
52113 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
52115 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
52117 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
52119 Today is the last day of your life so far.
52121 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
52123 Today is what happened to yesterday.
52125 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
52126 except in major motion pictures.
52127 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
52129 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
52130 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
52133 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
52135 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
52137 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
52138 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
52140 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
52141 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
52142 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
52145 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
52146 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52148 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
52151 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
52152 creating endless annoyance to male users.
52153 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
52155 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
52158 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
52159 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52161 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52163 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52165 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52168 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52170 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52171 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52173 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52175 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52176 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52178 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52179 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52182 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52183 real fast and freak everybody out.
52184 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
52186 Too clever is dumb.
52189 Too cool to calypso,
52190 Too tough to tango,
52191 Too weird to watusi
52195 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52196 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52197 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52198 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52199 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52201 Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
52204 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52205 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52208 Too much is just enough.
52209 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52211 Too much is not enough.
52213 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52216 Too much of everything is just enough.
52219 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52221 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52223 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52224 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52225 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52227 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52229 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52231 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52233 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52235 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52236 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52237 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52238 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52239 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52240 assurance people in its wake.
52241 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52242 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52243 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52244 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52245 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52246 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52247 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52249 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
52250 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52252 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52253 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52254 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52259 Follow these simple suggestions:
52261 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52262 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52263 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52265 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
52266 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52268 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52270 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52272 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52273 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52274 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52276 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52278 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52279 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52280 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52281 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52282 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52283 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
52285 Topologists are just plane folks.
52286 Pilots are just plane folks.
52287 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52288 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52289 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52290 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52291 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52295 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52297 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52298 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52300 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52301 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52303 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52304 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52307 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52308 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52311 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52314 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52317 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52320 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52321 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52322 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52325 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52326 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52330 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52332 Trap full -- please empty.
52335 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52337 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52339 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52342 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52343 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52344 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52345 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52346 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52347 for a short spell?"
52349 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52352 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52353 -- Charles DeGaulle
52355 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52358 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52360 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52362 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52363 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52364 a brand new series of three.
52366 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52367 in eucalyptus trees.
52369 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52371 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52373 True leadership is the art of changing
52374 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52377 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52378 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52381 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52384 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52385 -- Norman Augustine
52387 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52388 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52390 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52394 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52397 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52399 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52400 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52403 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52405 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52406 -- Albert Schweitzer
52408 Truth is free, but information costs.
52410 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52412 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52414 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52417 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52418 of him that brought her birth.
52421 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52424 Dumb and illiterate.
52425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52429 Try not to have a good time ...
52430 This is supposed to be educational.
52438 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52440 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52442 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52444 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52446 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
52447 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
52448 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
52449 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
52450 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
52453 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52455 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52457 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52458 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52460 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52462 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52463 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52465 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52468 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
52470 Trying to get an education here is like
52471 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52474 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52476 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52478 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52480 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52483 Turn the other cheek.
52487 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52491 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52493 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52494 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52496 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52497 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52500 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52501 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52502 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52503 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52504 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52505 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52506 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52507 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52508 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52509 Came whippany through the englewood,
52510 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52512 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52513 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52514 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52515 He caldwell in his joy.
52516 Did mahwah into patterson:
52517 All jersey were the ocean groves,
52518 And the red bank bayonne.
52521 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52522 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
52523 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
52524 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
52525 Beware the Jubjub bird,
52526 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
52527 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
52528 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
52529 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
52530 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
52531 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
52533 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
52534 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
52535 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
52536 He chortled in his joy.
52537 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52538 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
52539 All mimsy were the borogroves
52540 And the mome raths outgrabe.
52541 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
52543 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
52544 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
52545 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
52546 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
52547 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
52548 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
52549 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
52550 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
52551 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
52552 Came waffling with the truth too good,
52553 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
52555 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
52556 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
52557 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
52558 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
52559 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
52560 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
52561 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
52562 And mammon's wrath them bash!
52563 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
52565 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
52566 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
52567 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
52568 And Cory raths outgrabe.
52570 "Beware the software rot, my son!
52571 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
52572 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
52573 The frumious system crash!"
52575 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
52576 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
52577 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
52578 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
52580 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
52581 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
52582 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
52583 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
52585 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
52586 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
52587 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
52588 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
52589 -- Midnight On The Ocean
52591 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
52592 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
52593 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
52594 A satellite spotted him making his way.
52595 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
52596 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
52597 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
52598 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
52599 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
52600 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
52601 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
52602 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
52603 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
52604 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
52605 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
52606 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
52607 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
52608 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
52609 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
52610 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
52611 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
52612 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
52613 So after a trillion or two had been spent
52614 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
52615 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
52616 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
52618 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
52619 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
52620 throughout our place of residence,
52621 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
52622 possessors of this potential, including that
52623 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
52624 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
52625 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
52626 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
52627 imminent visitation from an eccentric
52628 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
52629 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
52631 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
52634 Twenty two thousand days.
52635 Twenty two thousand days.
52637 It's all you've got.
52638 Twenty two thousand days.
52639 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
52641 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
52642 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
52643 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
52644 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
52645 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
52646 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
52647 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
52648 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
52649 collision course with that ship.
52650 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
52651 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
52652 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
52653 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
52655 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
52656 course 20 degrees."
52657 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
52658 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
52659 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
52661 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
52663 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
52666 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
52668 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
52669 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
52670 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
52671 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
52672 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
52673 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
52674 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
52677 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
52678 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
52679 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
52680 knows when to stop."
52682 Two heads are better than one.
52685 Two heads are more numerous than one.
52687 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
52688 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
52689 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
52690 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
52691 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
52692 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
52693 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
52694 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
52695 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
52696 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
52697 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
52699 Two is company, three is an orgy.
52701 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
52703 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
52704 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
52705 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
52706 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
52707 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
52708 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
52709 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
52711 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
52712 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
52713 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
52714 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
52716 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
52717 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
52718 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
52719 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
52720 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
52721 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
52722 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
52723 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
52725 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
52727 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
52728 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
52729 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
52730 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
52731 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
52733 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
52734 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
52736 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52738 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52740 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52742 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52743 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52744 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52746 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52747 I forget the second.
52749 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52750 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52751 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52752 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52753 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52754 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52755 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52757 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52760 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52763 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52765 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52766 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52767 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52768 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52770 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52771 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52772 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52773 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52775 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52776 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52777 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52778 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52780 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52781 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52782 In the well of sanguine woe?
52783 In what clay & in what mould
52784 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52785 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52787 Type louder, please.
52789 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52790 Run right up and rub its horn.
52791 Look at all those points you're losing!
52792 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52793 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52795 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52796 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52797 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52799 Udall's Fourth Law:
52800 Any change or reform you make
52801 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52803 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52805 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52806 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52807 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52808 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52810 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52811 Sorry for the confusion.
52812 -- Sun Microsystems
52814 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52815 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52816 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52817 coughing and drops dead.
52818 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52820 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52821 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52822 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52824 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52825 just man is also in prison.
52826 -- Henry David Thoreau
52828 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52829 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52830 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52832 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52833 If you want something, it can wait.
52834 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52836 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52839 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52840 Dig my grave and let me relax
52841 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52842 And I lay me down with a will.
52843 These be the words that tell the way:
52844 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52845 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52846 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52848 Under the wide and starry sky,
52849 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52850 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52851 And laid me down with a will,
52852 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52853 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52854 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52855 And the hunter home from the hill.
52858 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52859 Superiority is recessive.
52862 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52863 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52864 basis of your own internal model instead.
52866 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52867 in relation to a bigger problem.
52870 Unfair animal names:
52872 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
52873 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
52874 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
52877 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52878 Selling cheaper than we do.
52880 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52881 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52882 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52883 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52887 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52889 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52890 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52891 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52892 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52893 low over the world.
52899 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52900 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52903 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52904 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52905 you how to fix it, and...
52907 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52908 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52910 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52913 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52915 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52916 of more feet, just to be sure.
52920 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory
52922 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52923 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52924 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52925 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52926 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52928 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52930 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52933 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52934 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52935 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52937 UNIX is many things to many people,
52938 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52940 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52944 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52945 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52946 with the workstation harem.
52948 unix soit qui mal y pense
52950 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52951 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52954 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52955 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52958 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52960 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52961 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52962 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52963 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52965 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52966 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52967 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52968 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52970 -- William Shakespeare
52972 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52976 If it happens, it must be possible.
52978 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52979 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52982 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52983 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52986 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52990 What you left out on April 15th.
52992 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52993 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52994 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52995 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52997 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52999 Use a pun, go to jail.
53001 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
53002 -- KFOG, San Francisco
53004 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
53005 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
53008 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
53009 more labor and less oratory.
53015 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
53018 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
53019 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
53021 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
53022 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
53024 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
53025 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
53026 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
53027 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
53029 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
53032 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
53033 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
53034 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53035 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53037 I always hated those adventure games.
53040 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53045 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53046 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53048 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53049 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
53053 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
53054 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
53055 life-style to recuperate.
53057 Vail's Second Axiom:
53058 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
53059 amount of work already completed.
53061 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
53062 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
53066 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
53069 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
53072 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
53075 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
53076 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
53077 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
53078 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
53079 and sour won ton soup.
53081 Variables don't; constants aren't.
53085 Vegetables are what food eats.
53086 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
53087 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
53088 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
53089 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
53091 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
53093 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
53094 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
53095 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
53098 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
53100 Verba volant, scripta manent!
53102 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
53105 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
53106 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
53110 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
53112 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
53113 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
53114 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
53115 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
53116 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
53117 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
53118 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
53119 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
53120 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
53121 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
53122 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
53123 is presumably working on it.
53125 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
53126 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
53129 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
53132 A hungry dog hunts best.
53133 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
53135 Decreased business base increases overhead.
53136 So does increased business base.
53138 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
53139 is fifth grade arithmetic.
53141 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
53142 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
53144 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
53145 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
53146 -- Norman Augustine
53148 Victory uber allies!
53151 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
53152 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
53153 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
53154 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
53155 in the 9th century.
53157 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
53158 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53161 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53162 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53163 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53166 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53167 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53169 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
53170 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
53171 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
53172 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
53174 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53176 Violence is molding.
53178 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53181 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53182 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53183 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53184 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53185 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53186 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53190 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53191 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53193 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53196 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53197 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53198 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
53199 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
53201 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
53202 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
53203 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53204 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53205 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53206 that old underwear you own.
53208 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53210 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53211 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53214 Virtue is its own punishment.
53217 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
53220 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53221 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53224 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53225 -- La Rochefoucauld
53227 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53229 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53231 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53232 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53234 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53235 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53237 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
53239 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53242 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53244 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53246 Voiceless it cries,
53253 A mountain with hiccups.
53255 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53256 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53257 And to him who's scientific
53258 There is nothing that's terrific
53259 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53260 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53263 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53264 than never to have lobbed at all.
53266 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53267 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53268 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53269 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53270 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53271 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53275 Vote early and vote often.
53276 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53277 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53279 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53283 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53285 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53288 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53291 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53292 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53293 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53294 (Waiter exits, returns)
53295 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53297 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53298 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53299 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53300 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53302 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53303 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53304 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53305 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53307 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53308 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53309 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53310 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53311 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53313 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53316 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53317 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53319 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53320 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53322 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53324 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53327 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53328 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53329 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53331 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53332 Garp: Gradual school?
53333 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53335 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53336 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53337 -- The World According To Garp
53340 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53341 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53342 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53346 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53347 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53348 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53349 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53350 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
53352 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53353 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
53354 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
53355 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53356 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53358 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53360 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53361 -- Charles Edward Montague
53363 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53365 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53366 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53368 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53369 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53371 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53374 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53376 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53380 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53381 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
53382 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
53383 of your favorite war.
53386 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53387 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53388 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53389 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53390 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53391 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53392 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53393 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53394 things to the terminal.
53396 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53398 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53399 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53401 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53403 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53404 Survivors will be shot again.
53407 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53409 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53410 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53411 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53412 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53413 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53414 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53415 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53417 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53419 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53421 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53422 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53423 There was a time they could cry over books,
53424 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53425 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53426 What's never known is safest in this life.
53427 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53428 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53429 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53430 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53432 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53434 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53437 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53438 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53439 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53441 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53443 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53444 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53446 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53449 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53451 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53453 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53455 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53458 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53462 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53465 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53466 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53469 The single most important word in the world.
53471 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53472 when it's necessary to compromise.
53475 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53476 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53479 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53481 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53483 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53485 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53486 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53488 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53489 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53491 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
53492 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
53493 is that it is not crazy enough.
53496 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53497 before we are fit to participate in society.
53498 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53501 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53503 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53506 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53508 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53511 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53514 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53515 -- Winston Churchill
53517 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
53520 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
53521 -- Whole Earth Catalog
53523 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
53524 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
53526 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
53527 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
53529 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
53531 -- Patrick Moynihan
53533 We are each only one drop in a great
53534 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
53536 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
53538 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
53539 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
53542 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
53543 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
53544 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
53547 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
53548 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53550 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
53551 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
53553 We are not a clone.
53555 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
53560 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
53561 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
53564 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
53566 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
53568 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
53569 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
53573 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
53575 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
53578 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
53579 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
53581 This is a recording.
53583 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
53584 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
53585 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
53586 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
53587 the substance that cast them.
53589 We are the people our parents warned us about.
53591 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
53592 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
53593 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
53595 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
53596 The order is not insignificant.
53597 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53599 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
53600 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
53602 We are what we are.
53604 We are what we pretend to be.
53605 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
53607 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
53609 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
53612 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
53613 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
53614 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
53616 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
53617 -- Sir Francis Bacon
53619 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
53622 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
53623 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
53624 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
53626 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
53629 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
53630 feet and go skating.
53631 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
53633 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
53634 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
53635 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
53636 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
53637 beautiful Universe, Our home.
53638 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
53640 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
53643 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
53644 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
53646 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
53648 We don't care how they do it in New York.
53650 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
53651 -- James Watt, noted theologian
53653 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
53655 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
53657 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
53658 that it wasn't a fish.
53659 -- Marshall McLuhan
53661 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
53662 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
53664 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
53667 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
53668 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
53669 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
53670 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
53672 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
53674 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
53675 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
53676 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
53677 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
53679 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
53681 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
53683 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
53686 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
53687 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
53689 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
53690 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
53691 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
53695 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
53696 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
53698 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
53699 -- La Rochefoucauld
53701 We gotta get out of this place,
53702 If it's the last thing we ever do.
53705 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
53706 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
53707 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
53708 our grave singing Halleluja ...
53711 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
53713 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
53716 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
53718 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
53719 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
53720 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
53721 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
53722 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
53723 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
53724 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
53725 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
53726 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
53728 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
53731 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
53734 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
53735 than from the machinations of the wicked.
53737 We have no scorched earth policy.
53738 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
53739 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
53741 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
53744 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53747 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53748 back to normal, and that they already have.
53750 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53753 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53755 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53756 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53757 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53758 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53759 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53761 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53762 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53763 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53764 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53765 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53766 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53767 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53769 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53770 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53772 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53774 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53775 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53777 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53778 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53779 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53780 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53781 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53782 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53783 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53784 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53785 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53786 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53787 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53788 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53789 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53790 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53791 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53792 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53794 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53795 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53796 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53797 to crave knowledge.
53800 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53801 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53802 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53803 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53804 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53805 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53806 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53807 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53808 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53809 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53810 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53811 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53813 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53816 We love our little Johnny
53817 He's the best little boy in all the world
53818 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53819 That's how much we love him.
53820 No, we couldn't live without him
53821 So that's why, since he died,
53822 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53823 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53824 Even better than before;
53825 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53826 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53827 Never miss our little Johnny,
53828 He'll never grow up and leave us
53829 That's why we love him like we do.
53832 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53833 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53834 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53835 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53838 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53842 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53843 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53844 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53845 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53846 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53850 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53851 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53852 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53853 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53854 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53855 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53856 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53857 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53858 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53859 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53860 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53861 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53863 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53865 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53866 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53867 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53868 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53869 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53870 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53872 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53873 but we always respect their good judgment.
53875 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53876 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53877 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53878 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
53879 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53880 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53881 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53882 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53883 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53885 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53886 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53889 We must die because we have known them.
53890 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53892 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53893 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
53894 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
53895 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53897 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53898 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53899 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53900 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53902 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53903 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53904 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53906 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53908 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53909 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53910 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53913 We must remember the First Amendment which
53914 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53915 -- F. G. Withington
53917 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53918 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53920 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53922 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53923 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53924 -- LaRouchefoucauld
53926 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53927 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53928 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53929 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53930 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53931 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53932 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53933 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53935 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53936 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53937 forgotten its source.
53938 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53940 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53941 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53943 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53945 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53946 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53947 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53949 We read to say that we have read.
53951 We really don't have any enemies.
53952 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53954 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53957 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53958 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53959 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53961 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53962 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53964 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53965 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53966 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53967 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53970 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53971 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53975 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53976 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53980 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53981 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53984 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53987 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53988 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53989 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53990 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53991 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53992 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53993 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53994 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53995 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53996 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53998 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53999 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
54000 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
54002 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
54003 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
54004 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
54005 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
54008 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54009 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54010 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54011 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54014 ------------------- -------------------------
54015 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
54016 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
54017 Moody Manic-depressive
54018 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
54019 Poet Boring manic-depressive
54020 Sultry/Sensual Easy
54021 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
54022 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
54023 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
54024 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
54025 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
54026 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
54028 Aging child Self-centered adult
54029 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
54030 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
54032 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
54033 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
54034 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54035 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54038 ------------------- -------------------------
54039 Independent thinker Crazy
54040 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
54041 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
54042 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
54043 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
54045 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
54046 Big and beautiful Really Fat
54047 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
54048 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
54050 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
54051 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
54052 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
54053 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
54055 We totally deny the allegations, and
54056 we're trying to identify the allegators.
54058 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
54059 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
54060 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
54061 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
54063 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
54066 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
54067 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
54068 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
54070 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
54071 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
54072 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
54073 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
54074 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
54075 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
54076 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
54077 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
54080 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
54081 were married for four and a half years.
54084 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
54086 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
54087 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
54090 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
54091 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
54092 French restaurant. [...]
54093 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
54094 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
54095 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
54096 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
54097 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
54098 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
54099 "Stop the car," the girl said.
54100 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
54101 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
54102 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
54103 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
54105 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
54106 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
54107 onto my granola and faced a new day.
54108 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
54111 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
54112 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
54116 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
54117 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
54119 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
54120 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
54121 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
54122 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
54123 in the end a summer with wild winds &
54124 new friends will be.
54126 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
54127 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
54128 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
54129 use of this material.
54130 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
54131 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
54132 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
54134 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54135 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54136 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54137 And a Sun Myung Moon!
54141 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
54143 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
54147 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
54148 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
54150 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54152 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
54155 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
54156 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
54157 least interested and say nothing about the other.
54159 Weekend, where are you?
54162 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
54165 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54166 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54167 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54168 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54170 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54171 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54173 Weinberg's First Law:
54174 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54176 Weinberg's Principle:
54177 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54178 on to the grand fallacy.
54180 Weinberg's Second Law:
54181 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54182 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54185 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54186 There are no answers, only cross references.
54188 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54189 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54192 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54204 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54205 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54206 -- Garrison Keillor
54208 Welcome to the Zoo!
54210 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54211 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54212 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54213 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54214 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54215 the reader! For example, the sentence
54217 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54219 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54220 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54221 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54222 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54223 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54224 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54225 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54226 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54229 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54231 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54232 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54233 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54234 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54235 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54236 *thousands* of words to say it.
54237 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54238 Fyodor Dostoevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54239 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54240 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54241 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54243 I'm told that Dostoevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54244 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54245 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54246 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54248 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54249 nature and will kill you.
54250 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54253 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54254 night. Live, on the Death label.
54255 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54257 Well begun is half done.
54260 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54261 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54265 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54267 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54269 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54270 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54271 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54272 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54273 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54274 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54276 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54277 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54278 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54279 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54280 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54281 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54282 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54283 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54286 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54288 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54289 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54292 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54293 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54294 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54295 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54296 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54297 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54298 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54299 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54300 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54301 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54302 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54303 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54304 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54306 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54307 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54308 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54309 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54310 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54311 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54312 When along came a senorita,
54313 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54314 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54315 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54316 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54317 Grow some funk of your own.
54318 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54319 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54321 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54322 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54323 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54325 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54326 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54327 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54328 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54329 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54331 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
\ba_
\bn*
54333 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54335 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54338 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54340 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54342 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54344 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54346 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54347 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54348 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54350 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54351 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54352 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54353 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54354 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54355 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54357 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54358 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54359 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54360 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54361 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54362 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54363 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54364 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54365 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54367 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54368 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54369 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54370 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54372 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54373 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54374 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54375 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54377 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54378 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54379 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54380 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54382 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54383 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54384 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54385 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54386 -- Core Dumped Blues
54388 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54389 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54390 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54393 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54395 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54396 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54397 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54398 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54400 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54402 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54405 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54406 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54409 Well, we'll really have a party,
54410 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54411 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54413 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54414 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54415 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54416 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54418 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54419 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54420 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54421 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54422 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54423 But the thrill we've never known,
54424 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54425 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54427 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54428 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54429 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54430 Drivin' my limousine.
54431 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54432 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54433 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54434 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54436 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54437 Who'll do anything we say.
54438 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54439 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54440 So we never have to be alone.
54441 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54442 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54443 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54444 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54446 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54447 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54450 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54471 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54472 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54473 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54475 We're all in this alone.
54478 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54479 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54480 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54481 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54482 it's not going to do anything for you.
54483 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54485 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54486 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54487 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54488 in his bowl full of jelly.
54489 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54491 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54492 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54493 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54494 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54496 We're happy little Vegemites,
54497 As bright as bright can be.
54498 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54499 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54501 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54502 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54503 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54505 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54507 We're Knights of the Round Table
54508 We dance whene'er we're able
54509 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54510 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54511 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54512 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54513 That are quite unsingable
54514 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54515 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54518 And impersonate Clark Gable
54519 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54520 I have to push the pram a lot.
54523 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54526 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54527 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
54528 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
54531 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
54532 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
54533 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
54534 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
54535 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
54536 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
54537 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
54538 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
54541 We're only in it for the volume.
54544 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
54547 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
54549 Westheimer's Discovery:
54550 A couple of months in the laboratory can
54551 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
54554 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
54556 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
54557 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
54558 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
54561 We've tried each spinning space mote
54562 And reckoned its true worth:
54563 Take us back again to the homes of men
54564 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
54566 The arching sky is calling
54567 Spacemen back to their trade.
54568 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
54569 And the lights below us fade.
54570 Out ride the sons of Terra,
54571 Far drives the thundering jet,
54572 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
54573 Out, far, and onward yet--
54575 We pray for one last landing
54576 On the globe that gave us birth;
54577 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
54578 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
54579 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
54581 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
54586 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
54587 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
54588 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
54589 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
54591 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
54592 understand what a misfortune it is.
54593 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855
54595 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
54596 -- WOP, "War Games"
54598 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
54601 What an artist dies with me!
54604 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
54608 What awful irony is this?
54609 We are as gods, but know it not.
54611 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
54613 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54615 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
54616 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
54617 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
54618 Can only be carried on one man's back.
54619 -- Louden Wainwright III
54621 What did you bring that book I didn't want
54622 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
54624 What did you do when the ship sank?
54625 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
54627 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
54628 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
54629 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
54630 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
54631 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
54632 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
54634 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
54637 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
54640 What does education often do?
54641 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
54642 -- Henry David Thoreau
54644 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
54646 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
54647 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
54648 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
54649 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
54650 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
54651 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
54652 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
54653 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
54654 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
54655 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
54656 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
54657 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
54658 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
54659 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
54660 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
54661 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
54663 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
54666 What ever happened to happily ever after?
54668 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
54671 What foods these morsels be!
54673 What fools these morals be!
54675 What fools these mortals be.
54676 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54678 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
54680 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
54682 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
54683 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
54684 country. Nice try anyway, George.
54685 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
54687 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
54688 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
54690 What good is a ticket to the good life,
54691 if you can't find the entrance?
54693 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
54694 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
54696 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
54699 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
54700 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54702 What happened last night can happen again.
54704 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
54705 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
54709 What happens to a dream deferred?
54711 Like a raisin in the sun?
54712 Or fester like a sore --
54714 Does it stink like rotten meat?
54715 Or crust and sugar over --
54716 Like a syrupy sweet?
54721 Or does it explode?
54724 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
54726 What has roots as nobody sees,
54727 Is taller than trees,
54729 And yet never grows?
54731 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
54732 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
54733 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
54734 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
54735 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
54736 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
54737 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
54738 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
54739 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
54740 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
54741 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
54742 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
54743 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
54744 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
54745 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
54746 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54748 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54749 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54750 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54751 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54753 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54754 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54755 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54756 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54758 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54760 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54762 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54763 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54764 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54766 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54767 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54768 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54770 What if there had been room at the inn?
54771 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54773 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54776 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54777 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54778 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54779 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54781 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54782 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54783 3. We may not change our hardware.
54784 4. We may not change our tasks.
54785 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54786 in which the work has to be done.
54788 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54789 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54791 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54793 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54796 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54800 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54801 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54803 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54804 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54805 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54806 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54807 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54808 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54809 all the weak: Christianity.
54810 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54812 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54813 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54815 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54817 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54819 -- Charles Baudelaire
54821 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54824 What is mind? No matter.
54825 What is matter? Never mind.
54826 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
54828 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54831 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54834 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54835 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54838 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54841 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54844 Uh, that still ain't right...
54845 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54846 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54847 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54849 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54850 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54851 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54853 "What is the Nature of God?"
54855 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54859 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54861 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54864 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54866 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54867 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54868 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54869 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54871 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54872 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54873 is the first law of nature.
54876 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54877 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54878 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54879 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54880 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54881 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54882 British civilian morale, 1939
54884 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54885 which is the exact opposite.
54886 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54888 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54890 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54891 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54893 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54894 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54897 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54900 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54901 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54903 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54904 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54906 What makes you think graduate school
54907 is supposed to be satisfying?
54908 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54910 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54912 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54913 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54915 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54916 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54919 What on earth would a man do with himself
54920 if something did not stand in his way?
54923 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54926 What one fool can do, another can.
54927 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
54929 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54931 What pains others pleasures me,
54932 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54933 There i couch in ecstasy,
54934 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54935 Into kernel memory.
54936 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54937 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54939 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54940 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54942 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54943 more than man's transparency.
54946 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54947 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54948 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54949 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54950 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54951 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54952 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54955 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54956 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54957 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54958 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54959 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54960 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54961 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54962 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54963 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54964 their grasp before they were five years old.
54965 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54967 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54968 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54970 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54973 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54974 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54975 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54976 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54977 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54978 The file, the highseg of login.
54979 Why lies it here, on public disk
54980 And why is it now unprotected?
54981 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54982 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54983 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54984 The file, the highseg of login.
54987 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54989 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54992 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54993 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54994 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54995 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54996 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54997 When they come to hang you, lad:
54998 But bacon's not the only thing
54999 That's cured by hanging from a string.
55000 So, when the spilt ink of the night
55001 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
55002 Lads whose job is still to do
55003 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
55006 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
55007 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
55008 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
55010 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
55012 What the hell is it good for?
55013 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
55014 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
55015 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
55017 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
55019 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
55020 -- Nikita Khruschev
55022 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
55027 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
55028 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
55029 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
55030 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
55031 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
55033 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
55034 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
55035 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
55036 a long way with his skills."
55037 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
55038 "You won't find many people like her."
55039 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
55040 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
55041 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
55042 felony in my presence.)
55047 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
55049 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
55050 "Her input was always critical."
55051 (She never had a good word to say.)
55052 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
55053 (And it's nonexistent.)
55054 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
55055 already has so many outstanding members."
55056 (Unless you already have a moron.)
55057 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
55058 one unbelievable result after another."
55059 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
55060 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
55061 (In fact, to life in general...)
55066 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
55067 (We certainly never succeeded.)
55068 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
55069 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
55070 "Success will never spoil him."
55071 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
55072 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
55073 (And such a sigh of relief.)
55074 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
55075 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
55076 (And his IQ, as well.)
55077 "He should go far."
55078 (The farther the better.)
55079 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
55080 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
55082 What they say: What they mean:
55084 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
55085 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
55086 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
55087 to unforeseen difficulties
55088 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
55089 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
55090 assured grateful for anything at all.
55091 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
55092 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
55093 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
55095 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
55096 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
55097 approach kicking it around.
55098 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
55100 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
55102 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
55104 What they say: What they mean:
55106 New Different colors from previous version.
55107 All New Not compatible with previous version.
55108 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
55109 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
55110 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
55111 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
55112 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
55113 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
55114 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
55115 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
55116 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
55117 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
55118 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
55119 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
55120 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
55121 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
55122 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
55123 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
55125 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
55127 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
55129 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
55131 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
55133 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
55136 I don't know, it keeps changing.
55138 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
55139 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
55142 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
55143 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
55145 What we Are is God's give to us.
55146 What we Become is our gift to God.
55148 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
55151 What we do not understand we do not possess.
55154 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
55155 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
55156 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
55157 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
55158 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
55159 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
55160 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55161 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55163 What we need is either less corruption,
55164 or more chance to participate in it.
55166 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55169 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55172 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55173 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55176 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55178 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55179 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55181 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55183 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55186 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55187 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55188 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55189 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55191 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55193 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55194 something to occur to you.
55197 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55198 referring to AST's.]
55200 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55202 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55203 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
55204 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
55205 shredding hundred dollar bills."
55208 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55210 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55212 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55216 Whatever happened to the good old days
55217 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55219 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55221 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55223 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55224 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55225 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55227 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55228 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55230 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55231 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55233 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
55237 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55238 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55239 -- Charlotte Whitton
55241 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
55242 but it is very important that you do it.
55245 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55247 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55249 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55251 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55254 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55256 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55259 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55261 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55262 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55266 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55267 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55268 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55270 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55271 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55272 Some say your nose,
55273 Some say your toes,
55274 But I think it's your mind.
55275 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55277 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55280 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55281 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55283 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
55284 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
55287 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55289 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55291 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
55292 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
55295 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55298 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55299 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55301 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55302 inattentions of one.
55305 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55306 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55307 -- George Bernard Shaw
55309 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55310 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55311 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55313 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55314 should consider himself as public property.
55315 -- Thomas Jefferson
55317 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55320 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55321 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55324 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55328 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55329 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55330 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55331 liar who has broken his promises.
55334 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55336 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
55337 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
55338 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55339 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55341 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
55342 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55343 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55344 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55346 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55347 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55350 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55351 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55354 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55355 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55357 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55358 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55359 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55360 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55361 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55362 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55363 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55364 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55365 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55366 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55367 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
55368 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55369 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55371 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55372 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55373 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55376 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55378 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55379 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55381 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55383 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55385 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55387 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55389 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55392 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55393 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55396 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55397 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55399 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55400 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55401 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55403 When asked the definition of "pi":
55405 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55406 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55408 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55412 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55414 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55417 When choosing between two evils, I always
55418 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55419 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55421 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55422 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55425 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55427 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55428 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55429 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55430 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55431 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55432 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55435 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
55437 When does later become never?
55439 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
55440 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
55442 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55445 When forecasting, give them a number
55446 or give them a date, but never both.
55448 When God endowed human beings with brains,
55449 He did not intend to guarantee them.
55451 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55452 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55455 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55456 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55457 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55458 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55459 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55460 himself to destruction.
55463 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55464 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55467 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55468 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55469 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55471 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55473 like my grandfather.
55476 like the passengers in his car...
55478 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55479 and a willingness to compromise.
55480 -- Weber cartoon caption
55482 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55483 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55486 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55487 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55488 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55490 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55491 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55492 what you like now."
55495 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55496 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55497 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55499 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55500 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55501 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55502 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55504 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55506 When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
55507 live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
55508 nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
55509 I am in this torrent.
55510 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
55512 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55513 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55515 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55516 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55519 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55520 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55522 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55524 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55525 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
55528 When I think about myself,
55529 I almost laugh myself to death,
55530 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
55531 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
55532 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
55533 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
55534 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
55535 I laugh until my stomach ache,
55536 When I think about myself.
55537 My folks can make me split my side,
55538 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
55539 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
55540 They grow the fruit,
55542 I laugh until I start to crying,
55543 When I think about my folks.
55546 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
55547 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
55549 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
55550 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
55553 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
55554 I was an only child... eventually.
55557 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
55558 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
55562 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
55563 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
55564 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
55567 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
55568 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
55571 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
55572 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
55575 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
55577 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
55578 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
55579 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55581 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
55582 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
55584 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
55585 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
55588 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
55589 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55591 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
55592 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
55593 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
55594 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
55595 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
55596 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
55597 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
55598 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
55599 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
55600 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
55602 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
55603 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
55606 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
55607 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
55608 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
55609 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
55612 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
55613 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
55616 When I works, I works hard.
55617 When I sits, I sits easy.
55618 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
55620 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
55621 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
55622 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
55623 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
55624 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
55625 questions like a senator.
55628 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
55631 When in charge ponder,
55632 When in doubt mumble,
55633 When in trouble delegate.
55635 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
55636 to apologize than to get permission.
55637 -- Grace Murray Hopper
55639 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
55641 When in doubt, follow your heart.
55643 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
55644 -- Raymond Chandler
55646 When in doubt, lead trump.
55648 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
55651 When in doubt, tell the truth.
55654 When in doubt, use brute force.
55657 When in panic, fear and doubt,
55658 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
55660 When in this world the headlines read
55661 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
55662 Who rob and steal from those who need
55663 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55664 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55665 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
55666 Fighting all who rob or plunder
55667 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
55671 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
55673 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
55674 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
55676 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
55678 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
55679 it is necessary not to make a decision.
55681 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
55682 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
55684 When license fees are too high,
55685 users do things by hand.
55686 When the management is too intrusive,
55687 users lose their spirit.
55689 Hack for the user's benefit.
55690 Trust them; leave them alone.
55692 When love is gone, there's always justice.
55693 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
55694 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
55698 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
55699 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
55701 When Marriage is Outlawed,
55702 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
55704 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
55707 When my brain begins to reel from my
55708 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
55711 When my fist clenches crack it open,
55712 Before I use it and lose my cool.
55713 When I smile tell me some bad news,
55714 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
55716 And if I swallow anything evil,
55717 Put you finger down my throat.
55718 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
55719 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
55721 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
55724 No one knows what its like to be hated,
55726 To telling only lies.
55729 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
55730 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
55731 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
55732 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
55733 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
55734 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
55735 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
55736 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
55737 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
55738 most unlikely of situations.
55739 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
55741 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
55742 touched, the majority of men live content.
55743 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
55745 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
55747 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55750 When one knows women one pities men,
55751 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55754 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55755 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55757 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55758 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55760 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55762 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55763 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55764 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55765 a camera for professional photographers
55767 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55768 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55769 And Oxygen still had none
55770 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55771 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55772 Called because of rain.
55774 When people have trouble communicating,
55775 the least they can do is to shut up.
55778 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55780 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55782 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55783 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55784 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55786 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55787 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55788 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55789 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55790 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55791 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55792 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55793 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55795 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55796 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55797 is away and you get twice as much done.
55800 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55801 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55803 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55804 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55806 When some people discover the truth, they just
55807 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55809 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55810 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55811 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55812 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55813 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55814 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55816 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55817 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55818 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55820 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55821 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55822 We only want the world to know
55823 That we support the status quo;
55824 They love us everywhere we go,
55825 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55826 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55828 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55829 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55831 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55834 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55836 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55837 of asterisked sentences:
55839 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55840 And costs less than $1,300.**
55842 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55844 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55845 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55846 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55847 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55848 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55850 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55851 you really want to. Or less.
55854 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55857 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55860 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55863 When the candles are out all women are fair.
55866 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55868 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55869 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
55871 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55874 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55875 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55877 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
55880 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55883 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55885 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55887 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55888 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55890 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55891 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55893 When the Guru administers, the users
55894 are hardly aware that he exists.
55895 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55896 Next, one who is feared.
55897 And worst, one who is despised.
55899 If you don't trust the users,
55900 you make them untrustworthy.
55902 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55903 When his work is done,
55904 the users say, "Amazing:
55905 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55907 When the leaders speak of peace
55908 The common folk know
55910 When the leaders curse war
55911 The mobilization order is already written out.
55913 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55914 I go to the market where lies are bought
55916 I take my place among the sellers.
55917 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55919 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55920 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55921 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55922 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55924 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55927 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55930 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55932 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55933 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55934 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55936 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55939 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55943 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55946 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55947 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55948 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55949 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55950 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55951 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55953 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55954 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55955 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55956 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55957 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55958 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55959 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55961 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55962 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55965 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55969 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55970 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55972 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55973 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55974 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55976 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55979 When things go well, expect something to
55980 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55982 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55983 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55984 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55985 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55986 -- George Bernard Shaw
55988 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55989 other user interfaces become ugly.
55990 When users see some programs as winners,
55991 other programs become lossage.
55993 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55994 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55995 Double and float cast to each other.
55996 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55997 While and until follow each other.
56000 programs without doing anything
56001 and teaches without saying anything.
56002 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
56003 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
56004 He has but doesn't possess,
56005 acts but doesn't expect.
56006 When his work is done, he deletes it.
56007 That is why it lasts forever.
56009 When we are planning for posterity,
56010 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
56013 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
56014 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
56015 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
56016 history of war have so few been led by so many.
56017 -- General James Gavin
56019 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
56021 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
56022 except our fingertips will have been singed.
56023 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
56025 When we write programs that "learn",
56026 it turns out we do and they don't.
56028 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
56029 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
56031 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
56032 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
56036 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
56037 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
56039 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
56040 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
56041 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
56045 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
56046 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
56049 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
56051 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
56053 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
56054 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
56055 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
56056 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
56057 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
56058 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
56059 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
56060 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
56061 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
56062 from, to torture and unsettle us?
56063 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
56065 When you become used to never being alone,
56066 you may consider yourself Americanized.
56068 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
56070 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
56073 When you dig another out of trouble,
56074 you've got a place to bury your own.
56076 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
56078 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
56080 When you find yourself in danger,
56081 When you're threatened by a stranger,
56082 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
56084 There is one thing you should learn,
56085 When there is no one else to turn to,
56086 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
56087 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
56089 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
56090 And the world makes you King for a day,
56091 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
56092 And see what that guy has to say.
56093 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
56094 Who judgement upon you must pass.
56095 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
56096 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
56097 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
56098 For he's with you clear up to the end,
56099 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
56100 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
56101 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
56102 And think you're a wonderful guy,
56103 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
56104 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
56105 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
56106 And get pats on the back as you pass,
56107 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
56108 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
56109 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
56110 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
56111 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
56112 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
56114 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
56115 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
56118 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
56120 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
56123 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
56124 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
56125 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
56127 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
56128 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
56129 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
56130 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
56133 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
56134 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
56136 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
56137 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
56138 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56140 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
56141 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
56142 know the answer either.
56143 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
56145 When you live in a sick society,
56146 just about everything you do is wrong.
56148 When you make your mark in the world,
56149 watch out for guys with erasers.
56150 -- The Wall Street Journal
56152 When you meet a master swordsman,
56153 show him your sword.
56154 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
56155 do not show him your poem.
56156 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
56158 When you overesteem great hackers,
56159 more users become cretins.
56160 When you develop encryption,
56161 more users become crackers.
56164 by emptying user's minds
56165 and increasing their quotas,
56166 by weakening their ambition
56167 and toughening their resolve.
56168 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56169 management will not try to interfere.
56171 Practice not-looping,
56172 and everything will fall into place.
56174 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56175 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56176 -- Otto von Bismarck
56178 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56179 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56181 When you try to make an impression, the
56182 chances are that is the impression you will make.
56184 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56186 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56187 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56189 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56190 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56191 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56193 When your memory goes, forget it!
56195 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56199 You're a Yup all the way
56200 From your first slice of Brie
56201 To your last Cabernet.
56204 You're not just a dreamer
56205 You're making things happen
56206 You're driving a Beamer.
56208 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56209 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56210 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56211 I feel the same when you are hear.
56212 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56214 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56215 -- David Pryce-Jones
56217 When you're dining out and you suspect
56218 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56220 When you're down and out, lift up your
56221 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56223 When you're in command, command.
56226 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56227 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56228 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56229 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56231 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56233 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56235 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56236 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56237 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56239 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56240 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56241 to become a parrot or something.
56242 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56244 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56247 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56248 to spend their weekends with?
56251 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56253 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
56254 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
56257 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56258 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56259 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56262 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56265 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56266 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56267 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56268 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56269 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56270 And he was always human when he talked;
56271 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56272 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56273 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56274 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56275 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56276 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56277 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56278 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56279 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56280 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56281 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56283 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56284 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56286 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56287 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56288 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56290 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56292 Whenever you find that you are on the
56293 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
56296 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56297 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56298 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56299 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56301 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56303 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
56304 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
56306 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56308 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56309 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56310 When it's converted to energy?
56311 There is a slight loss of parity.
56312 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56314 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56317 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56320 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56321 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56322 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56324 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56327 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56328 examine the laws of heat.
56329 -- Christopher Morley
56331 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56332 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56333 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56334 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56336 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56337 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56338 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56339 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56342 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56344 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56346 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56347 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56349 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56352 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56354 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56356 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56358 Where will it all end?
56359 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56361 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56362 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56364 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56367 Where's the man could ease a heart
56369 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56371 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56372 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56375 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56376 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56377 Go on, do not rest.
56378 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56380 Whether you can hear it or not
56381 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56382 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56384 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56386 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56387 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56388 -- John Joseph Lynch
56390 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
56391 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
56393 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56394 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56395 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56396 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56397 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56398 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56399 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56402 While having never invented a sin,
56403 I'm trying to perfect several.
56405 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56406 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56407 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56408 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56409 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56410 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56411 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56413 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56414 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56415 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56417 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56418 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56420 And now I see with eye serene
56421 The very pulse of the machine.
56422 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56424 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56425 referring to software interrupts.]
56427 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56428 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56429 -- Edward Stevenson
56431 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
56432 lets you choose your own form of misery.
56434 While most peoples' opinions change,
56435 the conviction of their correctness never does.
56437 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56438 held a gun to his head.
56439 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56440 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56441 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56442 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56443 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56444 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56446 While there's life, there's hope.
56447 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56449 While walking down a crowded
56450 City street the other day,
56451 I heard a little urchin
56452 To a comrade turn and say,
56453 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56454 I'd be happy as a clam
56455 If only I was de feller dat
56456 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56458 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56459 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56460 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56461 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56462 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56463 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56464 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56465 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56466 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56468 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56471 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
56472 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
56474 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56475 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56477 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56478 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56479 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56481 Whip it, whip it good!
56484 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56486 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56488 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56490 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
56491 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
56492 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
56495 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56500 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56501 ...they might want to cut it out...
56503 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56504 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56508 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56511 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56512 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56514 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56517 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56518 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56519 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56521 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56524 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56527 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56531 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
56533 Who loves me will also love my dog.
56536 Who loves not wisely but too well
56537 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
56538 But he whose love is thin and wise
56539 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
56542 Who made the world I cannot tell;
56543 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
56544 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
56545 I never soiled with such a deed.
56548 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
56550 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
56552 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
56553 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
56555 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
56556 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
56558 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
56559 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
56562 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
56564 Who was that masked man?
56566 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
56568 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
56570 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
56571 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
56573 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56575 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
56578 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
56579 pure in heart can make a good soup.
56580 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
56582 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
56584 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
56587 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
56589 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
56591 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
56596 Who's scruffy-looking?
56599 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
56600 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
56602 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
56605 Why are programmers non-productive?
56606 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
56608 Why are programmers rebellious?
56609 Because the management interferes too much.
56611 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
56612 Because they are burnt out.
56614 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
56615 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
56617 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
56618 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
56621 Why are you so hard to ignore?
56623 Why are you watching
56624 The washing machine?
56625 I love entertainment
56626 So long as it's clean.
56628 Professor Doberman:
56629 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
56630 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
56631 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
56632 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
56633 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
56634 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
56635 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
56636 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
56637 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
56638 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
56641 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
56644 Why be a man when you can be a success?
56647 Why be difficult, when, with just a
56648 little more effort, you can be impossible?
56650 Why bother building anymore nuclear
56651 warheads until we use the ones we have?
56653 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
56655 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
56656 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
56658 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
56661 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
56662 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
56663 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
56666 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
56667 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
56669 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
56670 It's quite uncanny.
56672 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
56674 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
56676 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
56678 Why do we want intelligent terminals
56679 when there are so many stupid users?
56681 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
56684 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
56686 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
56687 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
56688 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56690 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
56693 New Jersey had first choice.
56695 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
56698 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
56700 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
56702 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
56703 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
56704 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
56705 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
56707 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56709 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
56710 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
56712 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
56716 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56718 I'd LOVE to, but...
56719 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
56720 -- None of my socks match.
56721 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
56722 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
56723 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
56724 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
56725 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
56726 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
56727 named Basil Metabolism.
56728 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
56729 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
56730 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
56731 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
56732 -- I feel a song coming on.
56734 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56736 I'd LOVE to, but...
56737 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
56738 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
56739 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
56740 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
56741 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
56742 -- My subconscious says no.
56743 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
56744 can't seem to put it down.
56745 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
56746 -- I have to study for my blood test.
56747 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
56748 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
56749 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
56751 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56753 I'd LOVE to, but...
56754 -- I have to floss my cat.
56755 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56756 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56757 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56758 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56759 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56760 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56761 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56762 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56763 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56765 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56767 I'd LOVE to, but...
56768 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56769 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56770 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56771 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56772 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56773 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56774 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56775 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56776 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56777 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56779 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56781 I'd LOVE to, but...
56782 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56783 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56784 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56785 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56786 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56787 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56788 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56789 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56790 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56791 -- My crayons all melted together.
56793 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56795 I'd LOVE to, but ...
56796 -- I have to floss my cat.
56797 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56798 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56799 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56800 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
56801 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56802 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56803 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56804 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56805 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56806 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56807 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56809 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56811 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56813 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56814 It is because we are not the person involved.
56817 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56820 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56823 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56824 way to prove how much she means to me?
56826 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56827 you knowing nothing?
56828 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56830 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56832 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56834 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56835 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56836 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56837 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56838 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56839 I can't think why not.
56840 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56841 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56843 Why not go out on a limb?
56844 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56846 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56847 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56848 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56850 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56852 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56853 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56855 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56856 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56857 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56859 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56861 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56863 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56864 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56866 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56867 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56869 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56872 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56873 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56874 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56875 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56876 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56877 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56878 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56879 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56880 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56881 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56882 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56883 eternity for his faithlessness.
56884 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56885 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56887 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56890 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56892 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56893 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56894 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56895 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56898 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56899 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56902 Government expands to absorb all
56903 available revenue and then some.
56906 A pat on the back is only a few
56907 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56909 Will Rogers never met you.
56911 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56912 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56914 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56915 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56918 Williams and Holland's Law:
56919 If enough data is collected,
56920 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56922 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56923 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56924 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56925 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56927 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56928 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56929 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56930 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56932 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56933 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56934 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56935 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
56936 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56938 Wilner's Observation:
56939 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56941 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56944 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56946 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56947 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56948 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56951 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56954 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56955 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56957 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56958 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56959 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56961 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56964 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56966 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56970 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56974 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56975 try to be a fraud and a half.
56976 -- Otto von Bismarck
56978 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56979 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56981 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56982 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56984 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56985 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56986 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56988 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56990 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56991 they make a law it's a joke.
56994 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56995 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56996 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56997 is no such thing as progress.
57000 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
57001 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
57004 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
57006 With reasonable men I will reason;
57007 with humane men I will plead;
57008 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
57009 -- William Lloyd Garrison
57011 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
57012 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
57013 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
57014 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
57016 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
57017 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
57019 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
57020 the city and forty on the highway."
57022 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
57023 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
57024 close. Like catching snakes.
57027 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
57029 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
57030 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
57031 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
57032 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
57033 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
57034 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
57035 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
57036 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
57037 White House's National Security Council, Washington
57038 Post, 21 March, 1982
57040 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
57041 -- Alfred North Whitehead
57043 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
57044 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
57045 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
57046 important to him than his table or his white robe.
57047 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
57049 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
57051 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
57053 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
57055 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
57056 without intelligence love is not enough.
57059 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
57062 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
57063 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
57064 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
57065 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
57067 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
57068 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
57069 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
57072 A man who knows all the ankles.
57074 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
57075 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
57077 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
57080 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
57081 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
57085 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
57086 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
57087 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57089 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
57090 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
57091 I shall be sober in the morning.
57093 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
57094 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
57095 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
57096 that he might love her.
57099 Woman would be more charming if one could
57100 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
57103 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
57106 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
57107 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
57108 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
57109 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
57110 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
57111 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
57112 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
57115 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
57116 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
57119 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
57120 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
57121 marriage certificates, and defy you.
57124 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
57125 from charity, or revenge?
57126 -- Gustave Vapereau
57128 Women are just like men, only different.
57130 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
57131 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
57134 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
57137 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
57140 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
57143 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
57146 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
57147 but it takes more of them to do it.
57149 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
57152 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
57153 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
57156 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
57157 as good as any other.
57158 -- Philippe De Remi
57160 Women give themselves to God when the
57161 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
57164 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
57165 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
57168 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
57169 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
57172 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
57173 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
57174 original earth clinging to the roots.
57177 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57178 than men who reason with the head.
57181 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57182 but never a man who misses one.
57183 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57185 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57186 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57189 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57190 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57191 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57194 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57195 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57198 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57199 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57202 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57203 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57206 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57208 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57209 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57210 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57213 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57215 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57216 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57218 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57219 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57220 Socrates, quoting Plato
57223 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57225 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57226 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57227 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57228 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57229 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57230 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57233 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57234 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57235 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57236 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57237 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57238 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57239 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57240 although their insurance rates went way up.
57241 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57244 A theory is better than its explanation.
57246 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57247 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57248 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57249 -- Cheers, Airport V
57251 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57252 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57253 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57256 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57257 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57259 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57260 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57261 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57263 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57264 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57265 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57267 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57268 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57269 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57271 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57272 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57273 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57275 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57276 swallowed the canary.
57277 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57278 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57280 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57281 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57282 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57284 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57285 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57286 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57288 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57289 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57290 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57292 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57293 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57294 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57296 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57298 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57299 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57300 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57302 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57303 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57304 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57306 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57307 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57308 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57310 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57311 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57312 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57314 Sam: How's life treating you?
57315 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57316 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57318 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57319 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57321 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57322 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57324 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57325 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57326 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57328 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57329 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57330 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57332 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57333 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57334 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57335 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57337 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57338 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57339 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57341 Words are the voice of the heart.
57343 Words can never express what words can never express.
57345 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57348 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57351 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57352 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57354 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57355 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57358 Work continues in this area.
57359 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57361 Work expands to fill the time available.
57362 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57364 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57365 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57367 -- Bertrand Russell
57369 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57372 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57375 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57376 a handshake, and have fun.
57377 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57378 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57380 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57381 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57382 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57383 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57384 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57387 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57389 Work without a vision is slavery,
57390 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57391 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57393 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
57396 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57398 -- Christopher Plummer
57400 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57401 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57402 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57403 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57404 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57405 error in the world."
57408 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57411 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57412 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57414 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57415 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57416 -- Steve Rubenstein
57418 Worst Month of the Year:
57419 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57420 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
57421 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57422 -- Steve Rubenstein
57424 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57425 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57426 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
57427 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
57429 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57430 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57431 -- Steve Rubenstein
57434 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57437 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57438 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57439 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57440 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57443 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57444 -- Princess Leia Organa
57446 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57449 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57451 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57454 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57456 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57458 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57460 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
57462 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
57463 trial testimony, 1947
57465 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57468 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57470 -- "Broadcast News"
57472 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57475 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57478 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57480 write-protect tab, n:
57481 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
57482 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
57483 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
57487 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57488 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57489 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57490 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57491 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57492 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57493 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57494 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57495 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57496 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57497 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57498 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57500 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57503 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57505 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57506 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57509 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57512 Writing software is more fun than working.
57516 "Wrong," said Renner.
57518 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57519 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57522 What You See Is What You Get.
57525 Accept any substitute.
57526 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57527 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57528 Form follows malfunction.
57529 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57530 The trailing edge of software technology.
57531 Armageddon never looked so good.
57532 Japan's secret weapon.
57533 You'll envy the dead.
57534 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57535 Let it get in YOUR way.
57536 The problem for your problem.
57537 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57538 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57539 Simplicity made complex.
57540 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57541 Flakey and built to stay that way.
57543 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
57547 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
57548 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
57549 Built to take on the world... and lose!
57550 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
57551 Power tools for Power Fools.
57552 Putting new limits on productivity.
57553 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
57554 Design by counterexample.
57555 A new level of software disintegration.
57556 No hardware is safe.
57558 Rationalization, not realization.
57559 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
57560 Gratuitous incompatibility.
57562 THE user interference management system.
57563 You can't argue with failure.
57564 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
57566 The environment of today... tomorrow!
57570 Something you can be ashamed of.
57571 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
57572 The first fully modular software disaster.
57573 Rome was destroyed in a day.
57574 Warn your friends about it.
57575 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
57576 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
57577 Don't wait for the movie.
57578 Never use it after a big meal.
57580 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
57581 It'll make your day.
57582 Don't get frustrated without it.
57583 Power tools for power losers.
57584 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
57585 Never had it. Never will.
57586 The software with no visible means of support.
57587 More than just a generation behind.
57589 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
57593 The ultimate bottleneck.
57594 Flawed beyond belief.
57595 The only thing you have to fear.
57596 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
57597 On autopilot to oblivion.
57598 The joke that kills.
57599 A disgrace you can be proud of.
57600 A mistake carried out to perfection.
57601 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
57602 To err is X windows.
57603 Ignorance is our most important resource.
57604 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
57605 Built to fall apart.
57606 Nullifying centuries of progress.
57607 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
57608 The last thing you need.
57609 The de facto substandard.
57611 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
57615 We will dump no core before its time.
57616 One good crash deserves another.
57617 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
57619 It didn't even look good on paper.
57620 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
57621 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
57622 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
57623 It could happen to you.
57624 The art of incompetence.
57625 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
57626 When uselessness just isn't enough.
57627 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
57628 When you can't afford to be right.
57629 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
57631 If it works, it isn't X windows.
57634 You'd better sit down.
57635 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
57636 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
57637 Live the nightmare.
57638 Our bugs run faster.
57639 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
57640 There ARE no rules.
57641 You'll wish we were kidding.
57642 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
57643 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
57644 There's got to be a better way.
57645 The next best thing to keypunching.
57646 Leave the thrashing to us.
57647 We wrote the book on core dumps.
57648 Even your dog won't like it.
57649 More than enough rope.
57650 Garbage at your fingertips.
57652 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
57655 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
57657 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
57659 XEROX never does anything original.
57662 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
57663 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
57664 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
57665 the managers would fly off.
57667 It costs a lot to build bad products.
57669 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
57670 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
57671 intermingle the two.
57673 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
57674 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
57675 of every airplane's weight.
57677 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
57678 and two-thirds of the problems.
57679 -- Norman Augustine
57682 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
57683 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
57684 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57687 The more one produces, the less one gets.
57689 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
57691 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
57693 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
57694 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
57695 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
57697 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
57698 unexpected should have been expected.
57700 A billion saved is a billion earned.
57701 -- Norman Augustine
57704 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
57705 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
57707 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
57708 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
57709 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
57710 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
57712 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
57714 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
57715 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
57716 as long as the official's who created it.
57718 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
57719 government workers than there are workers.
57721 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
57722 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
57723 -- Norman Augustine
57725 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
57728 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
57730 -- XML guru Chris Maden
57732 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
57733 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
57736 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
57737 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
57738 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
57739 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
57741 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
57742 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
57744 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
57745 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
57746 ten degradation accomplished.
57748 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
57749 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
57751 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
57752 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
57753 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
57754 -- Norman Augustine
57757 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
57759 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
57760 not selling advice.
57762 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
57763 currently estimated.
57765 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
57766 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
57767 costly action known to man.
57769 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
57770 or a new canvas to an artist.
57771 -- Norman Augustine
57774 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57775 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57777 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57779 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57781 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57782 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57783 hang on about half a decade.
57785 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57786 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57787 -- Norman Augustine
57790 The optimum committee has no members.
57792 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57793 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57795 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57797 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57798 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57801 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57802 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57803 the data authenticity.
57804 -- Norman Augustine
57807 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57808 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57809 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57810 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57812 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57813 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57815 The early bird gets the worm.
57816 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57818 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57819 the year -- in either direction.
57821 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57822 -- Norman Augustine
57824 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57826 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57827 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57828 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57829 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57830 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57831 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57833 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57834 rays and became a tangent ?
57836 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57837 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57839 Yea from the table of my memory
57840 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57843 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57844 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57845 operators together.
57848 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57850 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57852 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57853 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57855 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57856 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57860 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57861 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57864 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57866 Year Name James Bond Book
57867 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57868 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57869 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57870 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57871 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57872 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57873 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57874 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57875 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57876 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57877 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57878 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57879 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57880 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57881 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57882 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57883 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57884 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57885 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57886 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57889 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57890 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57892 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57894 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57896 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57899 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57900 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57903 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57904 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57905 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57906 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57907 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57908 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57909 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57911 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57913 -- George Michaelson
57915 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57916 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57917 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57920 Yesterday upon the stair
57921 I met a man who wasn't there.
57922 He wasn't there again today --
57923 I think he's from the CIA.
57925 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57926 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57927 I'm not respectable.
57928 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57930 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57934 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57935 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57938 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57939 hoping no one will notice.
57940 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57942 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57944 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57945 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57947 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57949 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57951 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57952 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57953 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57954 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57956 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57958 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57961 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57964 You are always busy.
57966 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57968 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57969 I demand that you log off immediately.
57971 You are as I am with You.
57973 You are capable of planning your future.
57975 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57977 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57979 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57980 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57982 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57984 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57986 You are false data.
57988 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57989 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57991 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57993 You are going to have a new love affair.
58004 But you're not all there.
58006 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
58008 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
58010 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
58012 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
58014 You are loved by the multitudes.
58015 Have you been to the clinic lately?
58017 You are magnetic in your bearing.
58019 You are never given a wish without also being given the
58020 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
58022 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
58024 You are not a fool just because you have done
58025 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
58027 You are not dead yet.
58028 But watch for further reports.
58030 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
58031 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
58032 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
58035 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
58036 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
58038 You are number 6! Who is number one?
58040 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
58041 "All your papers these days look the same;
58042 Those William's would be better unread --
58043 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
58045 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
58046 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
58047 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
58048 Made it pointless to think any more."
58050 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
58051 "And your hair has become very white;
58052 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
58053 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
58055 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
58056 "I feared it might injure the brain;
58057 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
58058 Why, I do it again and again."
58061 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
58062 That your lectures bore people to death.
58063 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
58064 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
58066 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
58067 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
58068 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58069 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
58071 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
58072 For anything tougher than suet;
58073 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
58074 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
58076 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
58077 And argued each case with my wife;
58078 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
58079 Has lasted the rest of my life."
58082 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
58083 And there isn't one language you like;
58084 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
58085 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
58087 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
58088 "Every language looks equally bad;
58089 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
58090 And don't realize that they've been had."
58092 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58093 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
58094 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
58095 Pray what is the reason of that?"
58097 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
58098 "I kept all my limbs very supple
58099 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
58100 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
58103 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58104 And make errors few people could bear;
58105 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
58106 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
58108 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
58109 "But my stature these days is so great
58110 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
58111 And to stop me it's now far too late."
58113 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
58114 That your eye was as steady as ever;
58115 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
58116 What made you so awfully clever?"
58118 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
58119 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
58120 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58121 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
58124 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
58126 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
58127 Therefore you have few friends.
58129 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
58130 I like that in a person.
58132 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
58134 You are standing on my toes.
58136 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
58138 You are the only person to ever get this message.
58140 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
58141 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
58142 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
58143 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
58144 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
58145 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
58146 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
58147 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
58148 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
58149 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
58150 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
58151 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
58152 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
58153 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
58155 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
58156 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
58157 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
58159 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
58160 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
58162 You ask what a nice girl will do?
58163 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
58164 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
58166 You attempt things that you do not even plan
58167 because of your extreme stupidity.
58171 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
58173 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
58174 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
58175 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
58176 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
58177 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
58178 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
58179 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58180 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58181 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58183 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58186 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58188 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58189 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58190 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58191 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58192 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58193 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58194 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58196 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58197 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58199 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58201 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58202 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58204 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58205 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58206 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
58208 You can be replaced by this computer.
58210 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58211 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58213 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58214 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58215 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58217 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58218 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58219 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58220 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58223 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58226 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58227 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58228 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58229 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58230 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58231 -- The Palindromist
58233 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58234 Blackmail a senior executive.
58236 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58239 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58240 Why do you find that funny?
58241 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58243 You can do very well in speculation where
58244 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58246 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58248 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58249 and the budget is big enough.
58250 -- Joseph E. Levine
58252 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58253 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58255 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58256 and all of the people some of the time,
58257 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58259 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58260 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58262 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58264 You can get everything in life you want,
58265 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58267 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58268 can with just a kind word.
58271 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58272 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58274 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58276 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58278 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58280 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58281 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58283 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58284 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58286 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58287 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58290 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58291 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58294 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58295 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58299 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58300 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58303 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58306 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58308 -- Franklin P. Jones
58310 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58312 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58313 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58316 You can move the world with an idea,
58317 but you have to think of it first.
58319 You can never do just one thing.
58322 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58324 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58325 -- Jeannette Rankin
58327 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58328 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58330 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58331 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58333 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58334 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58336 You can now buy more gates with less
58337 specifications than at any other time in history.
58340 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58343 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58345 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58347 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58348 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58349 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58352 You can tell how far we have to go,
58353 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
58356 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58359 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58361 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58362 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
58364 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58365 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58367 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58369 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58370 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58373 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58376 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58378 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58380 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58383 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58386 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58388 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58390 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58392 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58393 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58396 You can't cheat the phone company.
58398 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58400 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58401 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
58403 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58406 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58409 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58410 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58411 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58412 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58413 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58415 You can't fall off the floor.
58417 You can't get there from here.
58419 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58421 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58424 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58427 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58428 -- Booker T. Washington
58430 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58432 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58434 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58435 only sooner than she thought you would.
58437 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58438 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58439 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58441 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58443 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58445 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58446 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58448 You can't push on a string.
58450 You can't run away forever,
58451 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58452 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58454 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58458 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58459 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58462 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58463 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58466 You can't take damsel here now.
58468 You can't take it with you --
58469 especially when crossing a state line.
58471 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58472 either they have it, or they don't.
58473 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58475 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58476 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58477 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58479 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
58480 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
58482 You could live a better life, if you
58483 had a better mind and a better body.
58485 You couldn't even prove the White House
58486 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
58487 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58489 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58493 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58495 You do not have mail.
58497 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58499 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58500 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58501 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58503 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58506 You don't have to know how the computer
58507 works, just how to work the computer.
58509 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58512 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58515 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
58516 reason to eat with knitting needles.
58517 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58519 You enjoy the company of other people.
58521 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58522 now than you did when you used to.
58524 You fill a much-needed gap.
58526 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58527 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58528 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58529 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58530 names. Here's the complete text:
58532 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58533 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58534 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58535 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58536 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58537 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58538 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58539 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58541 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58542 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58544 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58546 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58547 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58548 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
58550 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
58552 You get what you pay for.
58555 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
58556 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
58559 You go down to the pickup station,
58560 craving warmth and beauty;
58561 You settle for less than fascination --
58562 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
58563 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
58564 on this strange new flesh you've found --
58565 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
58566 you hurry to the blackness
58567 and the blankets to lay down an impression
58568 and your loneliness.
58571 You got to be very careful if you don't know
58572 where you're going, because you might not get there.
58575 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
58576 And you know it don't come easy ...
58577 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
58578 And you know it don't come easy ...
58580 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
58582 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
58584 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
58587 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
58589 You had some happiness once,
58590 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
58592 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
58594 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
58596 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
58598 You have a message from the operator.
58600 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
58601 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
58603 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
58605 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
58607 You have a strong desire for a home
58608 and your family interests come first.
58610 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
58612 You have a truly strong individuality.
58614 You have a will that can be influenced
58615 by all with whom you come in contact.
58617 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
58619 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
58621 You are permanently confused.
58624 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
58627 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
58628 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
58631 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
58633 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
58635 You have an unusual equipment for success.
58636 Be sure to use it properly.
58638 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
58639 metal objects which are not fastened down.
58641 You have an unusual understanding of
58642 the problems of human relationships.
58644 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
58645 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
58647 You have been selected for a secret mission.
58649 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
58651 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
58653 You have junk mail.
58655 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
58659 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
58661 You have no real enemies.
58663 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
58664 -- John Viscount Morley
58666 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
58667 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
58669 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
58672 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
58673 You'll learn a lot today.
58675 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
58677 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
58678 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
58681 You humans are all alike.
58683 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
58684 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
58685 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
58687 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
58690 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
58691 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
58693 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
58696 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
58697 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
58698 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
58700 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
58703 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
58704 you people are all going to owe me big.
58707 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
58708 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
58710 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
58711 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
58714 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
58717 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
58718 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
58719 You play around you lose your wife,
58720 You play too long, you lose your life.
58721 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
58722 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
58724 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
58726 -- M. Somerset Maugham
58728 You know, the difference between this company and
58729 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
58731 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
58732 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
58733 you can always change the channel.
58736 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
58737 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
58740 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
58741 and I had my hands about it.
58742 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
58744 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
58748 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
58749 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
58750 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
58751 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
58752 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
58754 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
58757 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
58758 -- S. Rickly Christian
58760 You know your apartment is small...
58761 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
58762 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
58763 you have to go outside to change your mind.
58764 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
58766 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
58767 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
58769 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
58770 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
58771 mother is allowed to take.
58773 You know you're in a small town when...
58774 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
58775 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
58776 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
58777 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58778 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58779 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58780 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58782 You know you're in trouble when...
58783 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58784 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58785 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58787 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58788 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58789 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58790 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58792 You know you're in trouble when...
58793 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58794 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58795 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58796 and there aren't any.
58797 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58798 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58799 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58800 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58802 You know you're in trouble when...
58803 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58805 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58806 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58807 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58808 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58809 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58810 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58811 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58813 You know you're in trouble when...
58814 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58815 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58816 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58817 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58818 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58819 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58820 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58821 after you bought a waterbed.
58822 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58823 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58826 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58827 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58828 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58829 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58831 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58832 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58834 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58836 You learn to write as if to someone else
58837 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58839 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58841 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58842 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58843 -- Remington Steele
58845 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58851 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58853 You may already be a loser.
58854 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58856 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58857 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58859 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58860 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58862 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58864 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58865 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58868 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58869 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58872 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58873 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58874 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58876 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58880 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58882 You may have heard that a dean is
58883 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58886 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58887 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58888 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58890 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58891 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58893 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58896 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58897 making lots of little phone companies?
58899 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58900 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58901 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58902 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58903 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58905 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58906 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58907 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58908 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58910 You might have mail.
58912 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58913 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58914 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58917 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58918 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58920 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58921 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58922 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58923 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58924 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58925 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58926 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58927 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58928 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58930 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58931 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58932 are merely deputies of that one.
58935 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58936 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58938 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58940 You need no longer worry about the future.
58941 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58943 You need not worry about your future.
58945 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58946 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58947 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58949 -- Charles A. Beard
58951 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58954 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58956 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58958 You never have to change anything you
58959 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58962 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58964 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58967 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58970 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58972 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58973 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58974 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58975 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58976 guys were getting stoned!
58979 You now have Asian Flu.
58981 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58982 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58983 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58985 -- J. Wellington Wells
58987 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58989 You plan things that you do not even
58990 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58992 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58994 You prefer the company of the opposite
58995 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58997 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58998 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
59001 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
59003 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
59004 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
59012 Let's go be the Vice President...
59014 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
59016 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
59017 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
59018 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
59019 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
59020 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
59021 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
59022 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
59023 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
59024 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
59025 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
59026 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
59027 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
59031 You see things; and you say "Why?"
59032 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
59033 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
59034 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
59036 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
59037 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
59038 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
59039 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
59041 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
59043 You seek to shield those you love
59044 and you like the role of the provider.
59046 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
59048 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
59051 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
59053 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
59056 You should go home.
59058 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
59059 incest and folk-dancing.
59060 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
59062 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
59064 -- Ernest Rutherford
59066 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
59067 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
59068 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
59070 You should never wear your best trousers
59071 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
59074 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
59075 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
59076 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
59077 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
59078 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
59079 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
59080 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
59081 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59083 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
59084 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
59085 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
59086 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
59087 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
59088 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
59089 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
59090 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
59091 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
59092 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
59094 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
59096 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
59098 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
59099 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
59100 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
59102 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
59103 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
59105 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
59106 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
59109 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
59111 You teach best what you most need to learn.
59113 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
59115 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
59117 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
59118 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
59119 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
59121 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
59122 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
59123 make really big Zorkmids."
59125 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
59126 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
59128 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
59130 You too can wear a nose mitten.
59132 You tread upon my patience.
59133 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
59135 You two ought to be more careful--
59136 your love could drag on for years and years.
59138 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
59139 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
59142 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
59144 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
59146 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
59148 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
59150 You will be advanced socially,
59151 without any special effort on your part.
59153 You will be aided greatly by a person
59154 whom you thought to be unimportant.
59156 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
59157 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
59159 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
59161 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
59163 You will be awarded some great honor.
59165 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
59167 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
59169 You will be dead within a year.
59171 You will be divorced within a year.
59173 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
59175 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59177 You will be honored for contributing
59178 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59180 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59181 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59183 You will be married within a year.
59185 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59187 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59189 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59191 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59193 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59195 You will be run over by a bus.
59197 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59199 You will be successful in love.
59201 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59203 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59205 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59207 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59209 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59211 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59213 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59215 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59217 You will contract a rare disease.
59219 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59221 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59223 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59225 You will find me drinking gin
59226 In the lowest kind of inn,
59227 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59228 -- G. K. Chesterton
59230 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59232 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59234 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59236 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59238 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59240 You will get what you deserve.
59242 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59244 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59246 You will have a long and boring life.
59248 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59250 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59252 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59254 You will have long and healthy life.
59256 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59258 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59260 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59262 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59264 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59266 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59268 You will lose an important disk file.
59270 You will lose an important tape file.
59272 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59273 mayonnaise salesman.
59275 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59277 You will never amount to much.
59278 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59280 You will never know hunger.
59282 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59284 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59286 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59288 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59290 You will pass away very quickly.
59292 You will pay for your sins.
59293 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59295 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59297 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59299 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59301 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59303 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59305 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59306 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59307 the butter upon a hot day.
59310 You will soon forget this.
59312 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59314 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59316 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59317 but only because your brakes are defective.
59319 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59321 You will triumph over your enemy.
59323 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59325 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59327 You will wish you hadn't.
59329 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59332 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59334 You worry too much about your job.
59335 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59337 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59338 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59339 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59340 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59341 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59342 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59343 yourself in this way."
59344 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59346 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59348 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59349 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59350 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59352 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59353 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59357 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59358 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59360 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59363 What you always were,
59364 Which has nothing to do with,
59365 All to do, with her.
59368 You'll be called to a post requiring
59369 ability in handling groups of people.
59373 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59374 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59376 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59378 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59380 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59381 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59383 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59384 hard things when they were easier to do.
59386 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59387 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59388 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59389 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59390 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59391 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59392 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59393 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59394 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59395 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59396 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59397 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59398 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59399 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59400 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59401 the defects of both.
59402 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59404 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59405 old men hearkened when he was young.
59408 Young men think old men are fools;
59409 but old men know young men are fools.
59412 Your aim is high and to the right.
59414 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59416 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
59417 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
59419 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59420 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59422 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59424 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59426 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59428 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59430 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59432 Your code should be more efficient!
59434 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59436 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59438 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59441 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59442 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59443 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59444 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59445 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59446 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59447 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59448 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59449 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59450 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59451 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59452 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59453 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59454 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59455 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59456 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59457 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59458 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59460 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59462 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59464 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59465 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59466 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59467 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59468 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59469 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59470 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59471 seconds if we felt like it.
59472 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59474 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59476 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59478 Your fault - core dumped
59480 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59483 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59488 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59489 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59490 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59491 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59492 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59494 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59495 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59496 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59497 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59498 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59503 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59504 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
59505 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59506 and you will live all the days of your life.
59508 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59509 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59510 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59511 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59512 miss two car payments.
59514 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59515 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59516 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59517 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59518 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59524 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59525 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59526 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59527 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59528 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59530 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59531 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59532 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59533 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59536 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59537 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59538 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59539 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59540 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59541 than people who work standing up.
59543 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59544 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59545 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59547 Your goose is cooked.
59548 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
59550 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
59552 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
59554 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
59556 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
59558 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
59560 Your love life will be... interesting.
59562 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
59564 Your lucky color has faded.
59566 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
59568 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
59569 Watch for it everywhere.
59571 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
59572 original and the part that is original is not good.
59575 Your mind is the part of you that says,
59576 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
59577 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
59578 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
59579 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
59581 Your mind understands what you have been
59582 taught; your heart, what is true.
59584 Your mode of life will be changed for
59585 the better because of good news soon.
59587 Your mode of life will be changed for
59588 the better because of new developments.
59590 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
59592 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
59594 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
59595 Face like ice, a little bit colder
59596 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
59597 You learned in school"
59598 But I don't really see
59599 Why can't we go on as three?
59600 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
59602 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
59603 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
59605 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
59607 Your object is to save the world,
59608 while still leading a pleasant life.
59610 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
59611 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
59612 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
59613 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
59614 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
59616 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
59618 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
59620 Your password is pitifully obvious.
59622 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
59624 Your present plans will be successful.
59626 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
59628 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
59630 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
59631 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
59632 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
59633 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
59635 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
59637 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
59639 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
59641 Your step will soil many countries.
59643 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
59645 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
59647 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
59648 be relieved in a surprising manner.
59650 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
59652 Your wig steers the gig.
59655 Your wise men don't know how it feels
59656 To be thick as a brick.
59657 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
59659 Your worship is your furnaces
59660 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
59661 have molten bowels; your vision is
59662 machines for making more machines.
59663 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
59665 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
59667 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
59668 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
59670 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
59671 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
59673 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
59674 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
59676 You're all clear now, kid.
59677 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
59680 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
59682 You're already carrying the sphere!
59684 You're always thinking you're gonna be
59685 the one that makes 'em act different.
59686 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
59688 You're at the end of the road again.
59690 You're at Witt's End.
59692 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
59694 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
59696 You're definitely on their list.
59697 The question to ask next is what list it is.
59699 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
59700 -- Eldridge Cleaver
59702 You're growing out of some of your problems,
59703 but there are others that you're growing into.
59705 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
59706 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
59709 You're never too old to become younger.
59712 You're not Dave. Who are you?
59714 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59717 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
59719 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
59720 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
59722 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
59724 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
59726 You're working under a slight handicap.
59727 You happen to be human.
59729 Yours is not to reason why,
59731 And when you find you have to throw
59733 Remember life as was it is,
59735 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
59736 'Till silence is but a blur.
59739 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
59741 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
59742 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
59743 -- Robert F. Kennedy
59745 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
59747 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
59748 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
59750 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
59751 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
59753 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
59754 -- George Bernard Shaw
59756 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
59758 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
59759 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
59761 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
59764 You've been Berkeley'ed!
59766 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
59768 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
59769 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
59770 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
59772 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59775 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59777 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59779 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
\by_
\be_
\bs_
\bt_
\be_
\br_
\bd_
\ba_
\by* yet!
59782 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59783 (see also Computer).
59786 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59788 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59792 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59795 The result of shutting down a production line.
59797 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59798 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59800 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59803 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59805 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
59806 since I first called my brother's father dad.
59807 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59809 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59810 People are always available for work in the past tense.
59812 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
59813 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
59814 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
59815 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
59817 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
59818 if only you could get a good picture of it.
59820 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
59821 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
59823 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
59824 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
59825 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com